The wizard detective (Dresden files)

[Accelerator]

The Compass 1.1

It was a dark and stormy night, and I was sitting in my office, trying to finish some novel I had bought from the bookstore. Being a wizard was more boring than I thought. Here I was, sitting in my office, waiting for someone to knock on the door. Well, anyone other than my landlady. Old lady had been nagging me for rent for the past week, and I was pretty desperate for any job that would prevent me from losing the office, the house, and force me out onto the streets to die of hunger.

Would be pretty embarrassing way to go.

I looked up from my book as the doorbell rang. What appeared before me was a woman with amber eyes, smooth white skin, long, dark hair that went down to past her shoulders, and legs that seemed to go on forever. She was wearing a shot-red dress that went past only one-third of her thighs, and had high heels that chinked like glass when she took a step.

I was alert and paying attention in an instant.

She smiled at me when she noticed me sitting at the desk.

"Hello, Mr. Detective, I heard that you specialised in searching for people." Her voice was sultry, barely a over a whisper, but I could hear her just fine. "Normally, I wouldn't go searching for you…" She said, gesturing towards the rather….run down and drab office I had setup shop in.

"Yeah, I know that it's not looking so great now, but…. Aren't appearances deceiving?" I hoped that the excuse would be enough to convince her to pay me for this one job. I didn't want to be late on the rent again.

Hoping to change the topic, I asked: "So how may I help you? I specialize in finding people. Especially lost relatives." That was what I had placed on the advertisement. Thaumaturgy was useful like that. I just hoped that she wasn't going to ask me to find an adopted family member. Or at least had one of their possessions.

"Or so I heard. The name's Angelika Blandelli. I've already hired several private investigators and the police have already been alerted. But so far, all they have is a dead end. No clues at all have been found." She spoke, sliding a picture towards me. On it was a photograph of a smiling, 10 year old girl. Blonde, with green eyes. "This is my daughter. Her father is currently…. unavailable. She had disappeared since last year, and I haven't heard from her since." I could hear the worry that was in her voice.

"No ransom? No communication from whomever could have taken her?"

"No. None at all. It's been months, and I'm getting worried."

Well, that was a problem. Most kidnappings occurred for several reasons. One was money. Judging from the clothes, this woman had lots of it. So they were either dragging it out to make her desperate and get a higher ransom, or……they weren't looking for it.

This day couldn't get any worse, could it?

Spoiler: picture

Woman in red: Cinder fall.

Girl: November terra. chibi version.

Spoiler: A/N:

So yeah, Ryuugi and I disagreed with what Dresden had done with his time, so I'm making an OC.

Please critique.

 

[Pidl]

I'm assuming Dresden is pretty young here?

Because a more experienced Dresden would have alarm bells going off in his head by the combination of a beautiful woman and a daughter who looks nothing like her.

 

[Accelerator]

I'm assuming Dresden is pretty young here?

Because a more experienced Dresden would have alarm bells going off in his head by the combination of a beautiful woman and a daughter who looks nothing like her.

Click to shrink...

Nope.

OC. doing stuff we never see dresden do. also, the daughter takes after the father

 

[Accelerator]

Extermination 1.1

It had taken him years to get this far.

It was hard work, getting the reagents. All those gold plated bricks to hold the charge, waiting for the weather to appear so he could draw on the energy, bribing the park wardens and paying for the use of the leylines intersections from the resident wizards, even purchasing the knowledge for the ritual itself…..

It had cost lots of money.

He had asked the Council for help. But he'd been refused. 'Too useless' they said. 'Unnecessary' they said. 'Other things more important, they said'. Hah! As if they would know. These bastards had killed over thousands of people per year! They preyed on those in the tropics, those too poor or weak to fight back against it or afford protection. They killed them slowly, as their bodies rotted away from within. Others, they poisoned subtly, but even if they were discovered, there was no cure. No rescue from them. At least, not without magic. He himself remembered those 2 graves. It had been so long ago. And he had heard news on how year after year, more and more died from the same causes.

But no more.

The stars aligned. The power of the ritual had reached its crescendo. In a single rush, the power of the earthquake beneath him, the power stored within the golden bricks surrounding the ritual site, and the intersecting leylines below his feet were transformed into a water element, and then power enough to turn a mountain into nothingness rushed towards the thaumaturgical link at the center of the ritual. The link would enable him to kill all that were bound to it via family ties.

But he had to be careful. If he did not handle the energy coursing through his energy properly, the effects of the spell would spillover into the bodies of innocent people, potentially killing many people around the globe.

With a thundering crash, the energy built up around him was gone. All was still. The mage, meanwhile, had collapsed from the sudden loss of his energy

Hours had passed before he awoke.

With a grin, he stumbled away. The ritual had taken all the power out of him, and it would take him weeks to recover his magical power.

It didn't matter. He had won. He had finally defeated those bastards.

Behind him, the sample of the AIDs virus melted away into sludge.

Next step, Ebola and Malaria


AN: So! A new use of thaumaturgy that I don't think anyone ever did. What do you think of it? More would arrive.

Please review and leave criticism.

 

[Shadow Pen]

This has got to be the most badass way to kill a disease I have ever read. Is this the same character as the one in the previous chapter? Cause if so then he is the number two white mage of the decade.

EDIT: The number one white mage is the composite of all the white mages in gaming history.

 

[Accelerator]

This has got to be the most badass way to kill a disease I have ever read. Is this the same character as the one in the previous chapter? Cause if so then he is the number two white mage of the decade.

EDIT: The number one white mage is the composite of all the white mages in gaming history.

Click to shrink...

Nah, both different.

Generally, if its different title, they're not the same.

 

[Skychan]

okay I have no idea what the link between these chapters is, but I'm curious enough to see what comes next. also, I do like this method of extermination for aids.

 

[Accelerator]

okay I have no idea what the link between these chapters is, but I'm curious enough to see what comes next. also, I do like this method of extermination for aids.

Click to shrink...

Actually, its a series of oneshots.

I mean, I can actually think of lots of ideas that Dresden can use for his powers. Lots of them. Too bad he didn't use them.

 

[Accelerator]

The Compass 1.2

I strongly suspect that my newest customer thought I was a loon.

Don't get me wrong, she was polite and all. But I think that the look she gave me when I asked her was the same one my other clients gave me when I told them how I'll find their missing cousin. Especially when I told them about magic.

Too bad they left before I could show them a fireball.

But, this lady seemed to be giving me a chance, so….

"It's using magic. I know, I know, you don't believe me. But anyway, is it alright if I show you some proof?"

This was it. Her reaction to this could easily cost me a client. But I had not much of a choice. I mean, what excuse could I possibly give for drawing out their blood? Besides, she deserved to know how I'm gonna find and rescue her family.

"Well, I don't see why not." Skepticism. Ok. I can work with this.

I conjured a fireball and observed her reactions.

Nothing much. Either than a slight widening of the eyes. Either she has a good poker face, or she's seen this before.

"Now do you believe me? " I asked.

"Of course." She replied. Saying so, she took out a small knife from her purse, and using it, made a small cut on her hand. Blood flowed out, and I collected it within a single small vial. The bond she has with her child through her blood will be used to track down the missing child.

"So when would I be able to get results?" She asked, as she started to leave. She turned, and left a business card with her address and number on it.

"By next week. I'll have to make sure of the location first."



Thaumaturgy had always been one of my good points. Stuff like artifact crafting, potions, the sort of stuff that needed….. a more delicate touch.

Too bad that meant I couldn't cast fireballs willy-nilly.

But anyway, the ritual itself took less than 5 minutes. Just draw a circle, place vial at center, then concentrate.

The problem was using that direction to find the missing person.

I glanced at my compass. Direction…… is 80 degrees at this particular longitude and latitude.

I marked the location and angle on the map using a pen and a protractor.

Now for the next 2 points.

Using those, I would be able to pinpoint where exactly in the US the girl is in. After that, it would be time to narrow it down to individual cities and counties.


Washington.


I leapt through the Nevernever.



I entered Washington through a dark alleyway between 2 buildings and started to get to work again. I began using the ritual in order to once again pinpoint the location of the child. It seemed to be based on an apartment within the more rundown areas of the city.

I entered the apartment, continued to narrow down the location of the child, until I finally narrowed it down to a single unit.

My work done, I jumped back into the Nevernever to give a call.


A/N: So yes, by using a protractor, sextant, and maps, you can narrow down the location. It's been a year, so I can't remember how tracking spells work.

 

[Accelerator]

You know, I'm glad you guys like this and all, but comments???

 

[Ellf]

It's short, honestly, and there's not enough details given. You're doing a lot of telling and very little showing. The genre you're trying to write in tends to have a lot of introspective moments, and you're not giving that with your OC. When Butcher describes a scene, he uses what Harry sees, what Harry feels, hears, smells, tastes... He doesn't just go "I conjured a fireball and observed her reactions." You're also rushing things, significantly.

I know English isn't likely your first language, but my suggestion is that you reread the Dresden Files, look at how Jim does things. Read over "A Song of Ice and Fires that weren't my fault" by @Puzzle on SpaceBattles. Read over "God's Eye" by @todeswind on here. I'd recommend reading my two Dresden fics too, but that's a little tooting my own horn. You don't have to read those.

The point is, your snippets are each less than six hundred words. You're not getting a lot of story out from there, and they don't really fit the genre, but you're trying. Keep trying, and try a bit harder. Work on getting into your MC's head. What do they see? What do they feel? Smell? Why are they deciding to do the things they do? You have the opportunity to ramble on about your character's opinions, to elaborate on certain aspects of things. Do so. Make us care about your OC. Make us care about his client.

 

[Accelerator]

Oh... very well then.

So basically, narrate a lot?

How do you show instead of tell?

 

[Ellf]

Oh... very well then.

So basically, narrate a lot?

How do you show instead of tell?

Click to shrink...

Your line here:

I leapt through the Nevernever. <-This can be a scene unto itself. Hell, Butcher sometimes spends several chapters where Harry's going through the Nevernever.

Showing, not telling, uses evocative language. Basically there's a big difference between:

"I conjured a fireball and watched her reaction." and "With a muttered word and an effort of will, I summoned a fireball above my hand, the heat crackling as it hovered there. I watched my client, wondering how she might react, given the skepticism that she'd already displayed."

Which one of the lines gives you a better image in your mind of what's going on?

That said, there are times where telling is appropriate as well.

 

[Accelerator]

Your line here:

I leapt through the Nevernever. <-This can be a scene unto itself. Hell, Butcher sometimes spends several chapters where Harry's going through the Nevernever.

Showing, not telling, uses evocative language. Basically there's a big difference between:

"I conjured a fireball and watched her reaction." and "With a muttered word and an effort of will, I summoned a fireball above my hand, the heat crackling as it hovered there. I watched my client, wondering how she might react, given the skepticism that she'd already displayed."

Which one of the lines gives you a better image in your mind of what's going on?

That said, there are times where telling is appropriate as well.

Click to shrink...

oh.... thank you very much! I shall edit it!

See, guys?

This is how you review!

 

[Todeswind]

Your dialogue is off, not off by much but off by enough to feel fake. I don't know how else to put it. It doesn't sound like people talking, it sounds like someone trying to imitate how they imagined people talk. You know how when kids are trying to imitate a deep voice and sound like adults? That's the vibe I get from this writing.

You have all the basic elements of a Dresden story plot hook, the femme fatale, the thing he needs to find, a discussion of how they won't believe that magic is magic, but you're just sort of running though them like a check list. You're not giving any single element the chance to breathe. Butcher, as an author, tends to muse on something peripherally related to what he's writing about. He'll tell some sort of a story about Harry's wizarding past or will tell the significance of the item in question as a way of relating it back to Harry's life and giving you a context for who the man is.

Treat your current 600 word snippets as plot skeletons, they're not bad ideas and I genuinely can see what you were going for in them. They hit on all the major points you need to hit in a chapter. You just need to flush them out into something more. I would aim for another 500 words of character development and an additional 400-500 of setting or action. Dresden Files chapters fall more into the 2500 - 3000 word range. I don't mean add more plot BTW. I mean take the plot you have and put some meat on those bones.

 

[Arafell]

I would just like to note you started off with the words "It was a dark and stormy night."

Unless you're writing a parody of writing cliches, this is not a good thing

 

[Accelerator]

Unless you're writing a parody of writing cliches, this is not a good thing

Click to shrink...

It was.

The femme fatale too.

Sometimes, I wonder if I should have the femme fatale become the bad guy.

though when I wrote this, I did it after watching this:

 

[Accelerator]

Your dialogue is off, not off by much but off by enough to feel fake. I don't know how else to put it. It doesn't sound like people talking, it sounds like someone trying to imitate how they imagined people talk. You know how when kids are trying to imitate a deep voice and sound like adults? That's the vibe I get from this writing.

You have all the basic elements of a Dresden story plot hook, the femme fatale, the thing he needs to find, a discussion of how they won't believe that magic is magic, but you're just sort of running though them like a check list. You're not giving any single element the chance to breathe. Butcher, as an author, tends to muse on something peripherally related to what he's writing about. He'll tell some sort of a story about Harry's wizarding past or will tell the significance of the item in question as a way of relating it back to Harry's life and giving you a context for who the man is.

Treat your current 600 word snippets as plot skeletons, they're not bad ideas and I genuinely can see what you were going for in them. They hit on all the major points you need to hit in a chapter. You just need to flush them out into something more. I would aim for another 500 words of character development and an additional 400-500 of setting or action. Dresden Files chapters fall more into the 2500 - 3000 word range. I don't mean add more plot BTW. I mean take the plot you have and put some meat on those bones.

Click to shrink...

Wait as ec.

How does one add setting/ action/ character development?

 

[Todeswind]

Wait as ec.

How does one add setting/ action/ character development?

Click to shrink...

You need to write about things that aren't what the character is physically doing in that second. Talk about what the things in his hands feel like, what they're making him think about, how they make him feel, how that all relates to why he does the things he does.

For example.

It was a dark and stormy night, and I was sitting in my office, trying to finish some novel I had bought from the bookstore. Being a wizard was more boring than I thought. Here I was, sitting in my office, waiting for someone to knock on the door. Well, anyone other than my landlady. Old lady had been nagging me for rent for the past week, and I was pretty desperate for any job that would prevent me from losing the office, the house, and force me out onto the streets to die of hunger.

Would be pretty embarrassing way to go..

Click to shrink...

Can very easily be flushed out to provide setting, tone and backstory without actually changing any part of your plot. For example.

The distant rumble of thunder cracked across the Chicago skyline, bright flashes of electricity across the sky illuminating the shadowy alleys and dark corners of the windy city. It wasn't raining so much as it was pouring, a full inch of water flooding the street in front of my office where the culverts had failed to keep up with the deluge. It was the sort of day where I'd be reluctant to leave my office even if I weren't in "business hours." Now defined as "from whenever I woke up" to "whenever I finally dragged myself out of the office, reluctantly conceding that there wasn't a client coming."

When I'd opened up my Wizard for hire racket, I'd been ready for anything. Excitement, adventure, all manner of monstrous ghosts, ghouls, fairies, and goblins threatening mortal kind. Well, at least I thought I was. What I hadn't been prepared for was the monotony.

Private wizarding work was a feast or famine industry, and boy was I starving - both literally and figuratively. I'd brought a book with me to distract me from the slight rumbling in my belly from where my body made it's displeasure known with the rationing my brain had concocted for the groceries sitting in my pantry. It was a dog eared thing, yellowing and weak at the binding from where it's previous owner had rubbed away at it absent mindedly. There's something special about a used book - especially a used book that was clearly loved by the owner. I'd selected it out of the dollar book bin almost exclusively for how loved it had clearly been.

I liked it. It would likely have been considered trash by an English teacher. I didn't get it all. It was a computer thing, something about a computer program controlled by the NSA which gained sentience, rebelled, then tried to conquer the planet. A pity I wasn't in that world, as a Wizard I likely would have been able to get rid of it with a single cry of "hexus." Computers don't like wizards even when you're not trying to destroy them, and an AI is just a computer with an attitude.

Unfortunately my book was only so long, soon leaving me back alone in my office, waiting for someone to knock on the door. Well, anyone other than my landlady. She'd been dropping increasingly less subtle hints that the rent was overdue that I was worried would soon evolve into polite reminders about what the eviction laws were. At this point I was pretty desperate for any job that would prevent me from losing the office, the house, and force me out onto the streets to die of hunger. Hell, Marcone could come in at this point and I'd politely consider his offer rather than outright telling him to fuck himself.

Starving on the streets would be pretty embarrassing way to go for a man who could toss fire from his fingertips.

Click to shrink...

That says the same thing you were saying, but gives more context into who Harry is as a person and how he interacts with the world around him.

 

[Accelerator]

You need to write about things that aren't what the character is physically doing in that second. Talk about what the things in his hands feel like, what they're making him think about, how they make him feel, how that all relates to why he does the things he does.

For example.



Can very easily be flushed out to provide setting, tone and backstory without actually changing any part of your plot. For example.



That says the same thing you were saying, but gives more context into who Harry is as a person and how he interacts with the world around him.

Click to shrink...

OMG.

You're amazing.

Goddamn it, I should have paid more attention in literature classes

"No, I don't need this. What am I gonna do? Write stories?"

Staring at computer screen. Word count: 47

"Fuck"

 

[Todeswind]

OMG.

You're amazing.

Goddamn it, I should have paid more attention in literature classes

"No, I don't need this. What am I gonna do? Write stories?"

Staring at computer screen. Word count: 47

"Fuck"

Click to shrink...

Dude, it comes with time and practice. Nothing more, nothing less. You've got the basics of what you need already. I wasn't being overly generous when I said that you'd touched base on the basic elements of what makes the kind of story you want to write. Now all you need to do is put yourself in the place of your character. Imagine you're him, sitting in his office, reading a book, bored out of your god damned mind while wondering how you're going to be able to pay the bills. Let yourself feel the feelings he would be feeling, and just commit the words to the page.

 

[Ellf]

There's a reason that @todeswind is jokingly referred to as Jim. Obviously, he isn't, but his writing's on par with Butcher's best, imho.

 

[Accelerator]

There's a reason that @todeswind is jokingly referred to as Jim. Obviously, he isn't, but his writing's on par with Butcher's best, imho.

Click to shrink...

You sure he isn't?

Because those words capture the Dresden Files perfectly.

 

[Accelerator]

Anderson was screaming. Not out loud, of course, He wasn't Marcus. That would be completely undignified. And the thought of stooping to Marcus's level was something unbearable, even in death.

He just couldn't understand why the hell this was happening!

It was... a smooth gig. Grab the girls, tie them up, feed and clean them for awhile, keep them beaten down, and enjoy them for a bit. Then ship them out to somewhere, like the Middle East or Africa or Korea to some shithole, and then sit back and count the cash. He just bought a Ferrari. Brand spanking new, all red and shit. He had barely ridden it, and he wasn't going to die before he trashed it at least once.

The girls? He didn't give a shit. Some people might call him a monster for this. Some call him scum. The girls called him that, sometimes. He just laughed, said that he was tougher than them, then made them scream. They didn't say much after that.

It all started last month. There were a bunch of them, spread out over different cities and states, so that nobody'll draw attention to the disappearances. Some in suburbs, some in forests, and some in just plain old cities. Jason's cell was the first to disappear. He was operating in some gig in Manhattan. He remembered him delivering a pair of sweet blondes. Damn, the games with those two.... And then he just appeared on the news, his entire operation destroyed. Frackin' Jason's face was ruined, like someone had thrown acid onto his face or something. The entire thing was drooping. Then there was the list of injuries. "hamstringing, destroyed tendons, concussions due to application of blunt object, as well as overdosing of anesthesia and sleeping pills." Jesus. What the hell. And then there was the last part. "Survivors and such have all claimed that they did not see their attacker, neither did they remember how they were attacked.

Everyone talked about it, saying how freaky it was. Then got on with their lives.

Then the next week, Collin's operation died. The injuries were worse, now. The papers said that they didn't see their attacker. "Disembowellment, skull fractures, cyanide poisoning, and knives through the back." Collin's operation had 30 girls, all set to be shipped out. Several hundred thousand dollars, all gone up in smoke. Not to mention the records....

The Feds would be closing in soon. He had to leave the country. He just had to survive.

He was preparing breakfast, when he heard a shout. Jack's. He was the one set to guard the door, to shoot anyone and alert everyone. Well, he ain't gonna do that, not with his throat cut open and in a pool of his own blood and piss. They had all gathered together in one room after that, with one entrance. They got their guns, their assault rifles, and all put themselves in one room, and pointed them at the entrance.

Then Marcus fell, screaming, clutching his head, then lay crumpled in a heap on the floor. Then Dick just... started screaming, waving his gun around, hollering for the thing killing them to come out... then screamed as his legs suddenly started bleeding. Someone had cut his heel. He scrambled on the floor, trying to grab the gun he dropped. He looked up at Jason, his eyes pleading.

Jason knew those eyes. It said. "Don't leave me."

Jason fled the room, screaming internally. He'll run. He'll never get into this business again. He'll be good. He'll change. He tripped. He smashed his head against the coffee table, his ears ringing.

He looked behind him, clutching his head, gritting his teeth in pain. He spied something... transparent and straight? Horizontal to the ground. Tripwire? Fuck. He placed his hands below him, trying to get up. He had to go-

6 inches of cold steel penetrated his back, through his ribs, into his heart. Jason could only feel a cold, sharp pain, as his life ended.

No more than a meter behind him, stood the one that had slaughtered over a hundred men in America with impunity. His name? Unimportant. His identity? Unimportant. He was no more than 25 years old, yet had skills which made him more dangerous than most veteran soldiers.

He looked at the knife, and pulled it out with a thunk. The blood glittered in the light, and then disappeared, hidden by the veil. He began to walk to the basement. Time to free them, and then disappear. The girls would know what to do.