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The Sun Never Sets

PhoenixAct

PhoenixAct

So, I recently started a blog in which I publish my own original fiction, and you can find the first chapter of my first story here:

Link

The story is basically an Isekai, but done in reverse, with a character being sent to a fantasy world based on Sengoku Japan, rather than Medieval Europe. I also tweaked it a bit more, and the main character is a Victorian lady, rather than a teenage boy from the modern day. There are some horror themes involved, as the original inspiration for the story came from the videogame Nioh and by extension Dark Souls. The plan as it stands, is to post a chapter every fortnight, as I will be writing it around my normal, everyday commitments.

Now the reason for this thread, is because I want a place where I can answer questions and go into more detail on discussing the story. In my experience, the comment sections on blogs aren't really fit for that sort of thing.
 
Hm. Might be interesting, but it's a bit early to tell. I do like that you're using a Victorian lady instead of the usual bland schoolkid.
 
Chapter 3 = An Unfortunate Encounter

A little more action this time.

On a serious note, how are people finding Chiyo's segments? I added them to explore Chiyo's character a bit more, since there's whole language barrier thing and she's not the main viewpoint character. Plus, I was slightly concerned about falling into the whole "inscrutable Asians" trope.
 
I actually really like Chiyo's segments. I really like seeing both side of the language and culture barrier, and have honestly started viewing her as the second main character. It also servers to give a bit of context of whats going on. It has allowed me to understand that whats going on is decidedly not normal for this world, but also keeps some mystery. Like, we know towns turning into zombies is not an everyday happening, but we are left guessing from that swap with what exactly those still living, if completely crazy, men where in the current chapter.
 
If I were to give one critique for the switching, I think you should try to swap viewpoints at the same point in time. In the latest chapter, when you swapped from Chiyo to Alice you jumped back far enough in time it took you 6 paragraphs or about 500 words to get back to the same point in time. I would try to avoid such jumps going forward as it can cause the reader (ok, maybe just me, but I'm a reader!) to become lost in the timeline of the scene.
 
Okay, the latest chapter of The Sun Never Sets is up!

Chapter 5 - Dark Dreams and Chance Encounters

How will our heroines fare after escaping the tunnels, and what waits for them next?


Also, I just want to mention that I have a patreon now; so if you want to kick a little money my way feel free, and if you don' that's fine too. I promise not to bring it up too much, but if I never advertised the thing there'd be no point in having it.
 
oh the title is an allusion to the victorian setting

i thought it would have been a reference to a sort of kennedy like horror where the cruel sun refuses to set and the eyes of the people grow ever haunted as the it burns away their sleep with its harsh gaze and as the mists of hypnos recede the monsters lurking in the back of our minds and unchained and free to wander under the scorching sun.

Anyway it's somewhat alright, but the opening scenes are the best place to set up your character references and you missed that kind of hard. There's a lot of chances to sneak in setting expansion and more 'character' within the first chapter in an organic fashion that doesn't jostle out the narration but it's almost entirely missed. Alice seems to have no personality beyond her immediate driving goals, and thus no real direction to follow. Chiyo is more interesting the first chapter as a viewpoint character even considering that she's given only a brief one page of POV.

Also this isn't meaningful critique but White Adventurer in a Strange Foreign Asian-esque land is honestly kind of offputting. But that's nothing you can meaningfully change in the story.
 
Jemnite said:
oh the title is an allusion to the victorian setting

i thought it would have been a reference to a sort of kennedy like horror where the cruel sun refuses to set and the eyes of the people grow ever haunted as the it burns away their sleep with its harsh gaze and as the mists of hypnos recede the monsters lurking in the back of our minds and unchained and free to wander under the scorching sun.

Anyway it's somewhat alright, but the opening scenes are the best place to set up your character references and you missed that kind of hard. There's a lot of chances to sneak in setting expansion and more 'character' within the first chapter in an organic fashion that doesn't jostle out the narration but it's almost entirely missed. Alice seems to have no personality beyond her immediate driving goals, and thus no real direction to follow. Chiyo is more interesting the first chapter as a viewpoint character even considering that she's given only a brief one page of POV.

Also this isn't meaningful critique but White Adventurer in a Strange Foreign Asian-esque land is honestly kind of offputting. But that's nothing you can meaningfully change in the story.
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Yeah, This really needs a chapter of pure downtime, where Alice can expand from "scared girl in pajamas" into an actual person with goals and background. I almost find myself skimming her parts for Chiyo because Chiyo has direction and, I don't know, a feeling of depth?
 
Jemnite said:
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serra2 said:
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First of all, thanks for taking the time to offer up some critique, it is appreciated.

So, I guess that Alice is coming across as a bit flat? I'll try to set up something in upcoming chapters to expand her character a little, and maybe push her development forward a little too.

Jemnite said:
oh the title is an allusion to the victorian setting

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Also this isn't meaningful critique but White Adventurer in a Strange Foreign Asian-esque land is honestly kind of offputting. But that's nothing you can meaningfully change in the story.
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I was going for the sun theme because the sun has at times been associated with both Britain and Japan, the red circle on the Japanese flag is meant to represent the sun, for example.

As to your other concern, it was a concern I shared going into this, but I went forward because I like stories about culture clashes and the like. Perhaps I was just rationalising, but I figure the problem with such stories is usually because the white character is there to tame the savage jungle and civilise the local tribes, he's a conqueror who's presented as being inherently better than the locals. Hopefully I'll avoid presenting things that way.

Part of the reason I added PoV segments for Chiyo was so that the audience could get insight into the character, remove some of the mystique, and avoid the whole "inscrutable asians" trope.

All of that said however, if you have specific concerns about this feel free to mention them, or PM me if you prefer.
 
Chapter 6 is up!

With a new member in their group our heroines continue their journey, only to find that they may have wandered into a trap.

Chapter 6 - Voices on the Breeze

Also, while I'm here, I don't suppose anyone know any artists who would take commissions for this sort of thing?
 
Spooky ghost village separating our party members, that's just cheating. Action definitely appears to be rising.
 
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