Note. This is something I started as an experiment...
The origin of SWORDS.
- Thread starter Jaune Pendragon
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1. What?
Jaune Pendragon
King Of Servants
- Location
- Avalon
Note. This is something I started as an experiment.
________________________________________________________________________________
Thunder roared as rain poured down from the heavens.
In the middle of a grassy field 'something' appeared.
This 'thing' woke up wondering where it was. Only to be quite confused at its strange sight. It could see all around it.
Yet what confused it the most was something that appeared in front of it.
(Level 1)
Race: SWORD
Name: UNNAMED
HP : 100/100
MP : 100/100
CP : 100/100
ATK: 10
DUR: 10
MAG: 10
Rarity - Godly
Type - Noble Phantasm
Skills:
Gamer's Mind (Lvl Max) Cost Free - Keep a calm mind at all times.
Telekinesis (Level 1) Cost 2 MP per Second. Range - 10 Meters.
Skill Points - 0
Attribute points - 0
QP - 0
Current Form: Iron short sword.
Yes. It was a sword a short sword that looked so plain. Short sword. But on the inside was the soul of a human that was internally screaming to the heavens.
Lightning flashed.
'Fuuuuuuuuuuuck'
The sword continued ranting into the night.
________________________________________________________________________________
Thunder roared as rain poured down from the heavens.
In the middle of a grassy field 'something' appeared.
This 'thing' woke up wondering where it was. Only to be quite confused at its strange sight. It could see all around it.
Yet what confused it the most was something that appeared in front of it.
(Level 1)
Race: SWORD
Name: UNNAMED
HP : 100/100
MP : 100/100
CP : 100/100
ATK: 10
DUR: 10
MAG: 10
Rarity - Godly
Type - Noble Phantasm
Skills:
Gamer's Mind (Lvl Max) Cost Free - Keep a calm mind at all times.
Telekinesis (Level 1) Cost 2 MP per Second. Range - 10 Meters.
Skill Points - 0
Attribute points - 0
QP - 0
Current Form: Iron short sword.
Yes. It was a sword a short sword that looked so plain. Short sword. But on the inside was the soul of a human that was internally screaming to the heavens.
Lightning flashed.
'Fuuuuuuuuuuuck'
The sword continued ranting into the night.
Last edited:
- Location
- Italy
Were you inspired by Tensei Shitara Ken Deshita?
Also, you mispelled 'origin' in the title.
Also, you mispelled 'origin' in the title.
Jaune Pendragon
King Of Servants
- Location
- Avalon
AYE.. Sharp one ain't ya
- Location
- Italy
Eh, I keep myself caught up with the translation. It's good, if only in comparison to the sea of trash that is light novels.
Here's some more spelling errors.
Probably forgot to close there, if you were hyphenating for emphasis.
Its
The first a is repeated twice, then 'a soul' probably should be 'the soul'
Jaune Pendragon
King Of Servants
- Location
- Avalon
Thank you.. EDITED
- Location
- Italy
Missed this part.
WeylandSmith
Loose Cultivator
- Location
- [Global State]
You have my attention! 
- Location
- Wellesley MA
You put over a half dozen tags for settings that aren't currently in the story. You have a stat sheet for a story that isn't a quest. You don't have enough content to fill a chapter, or even a scene. And you start the non-quest by introducing a mechanic that will do away with all my favorite scenes - you know, the scenes where the protagonist is panicking as they run around like a chicken with their head cut off. Can't have the protagonist confused and terrified with gamer's mind!
-_-
While I don't think it's against the rules, please don't post stories with 10 different tags that are really just character sheets. At least post a story when you post a story. -_-
-_-
While I don't think it's against the rules, please don't post stories with 10 different tags that are really just character sheets. At least post a story when you post a story. -_-
Jaune Pendragon
King Of Servants
- Location
- Avalon
2)SWORD
Jaune Pendragon
King Of Servants
- Location
- Avalon
Fortunately, their rant didn't last long.
The SWORD was forcefully calmed down within seconds.
Oh.
The Rain Stopped.
So, where am I anyway? SWORD asked himself before a notification popped up.
Of course! The 'YES' option Highlighted itself before the glowing blue dialogue disappeared, and another appeared in its place.
Gamer's Dungeon?
I looked around and sure enough, there was a Wild boar staring at me intently as if trying to spontaneously combust me from its gaze alone.
Let's see. Observe.
Wait is that all?
Telekinesis huh. Alright, then let's see. I concentrate on trying to activate telekinesis mentally. a few moments later I could feel myself lifting out of my anvil. Finally free from it.
[quote]Gift Received Would you like to open it? Y/N?[/quote]
Yes, please!
There was a small golden flash before I felt my something filling me up.
Holy hell. Let see If this works. I accelerated my self toward the boar sand pierced a side of it.
The boar ran Around trying to get rid me. But I was lodged in. I sliced him open from the inside casing a lot of bleeding and damage as the boar fell down.
I slid out of the boar and lay on the ground. Its blood Covering my body.
I put all 10 points to MAG. May as well be a magic sword even if I look ordinary.
Shop? A blank screen Opened.
Oh right the criteria. Skills that cost 2 skill points or less. Immediately a list opened in front of me.
I mentally nudged self-cleaning and a window popped out.
Hmmm. I mentally CLosed it and checked the Others One by one.
After about a While Decide on self-repairing. I don't want to rust away should I break after all. I also took Self-cleaning.
Skins?
Hmmm. Search for Laptops.
The moment I said that I got a list. But even the Cheapest laptop here costs 200 QP.
Alright, Let's see for skins?... Oh I Know. Search for Monohoshizao. There we go.
Holy FUCK 10,000 QP? But Anyways Doesn't matter. I got the skin. I don't have to look like a beginner Iron dagger anymore. I bought the skin...
Yes Please!
The moment I said that I was enveloped in a golden light and I felt myself being stretched. Strangely enough, it felt completely natural to me as if it wasn't something strange.
Within moments I was no longer an ordinary Iron Sword. I was now the REGENDARY MONOHISHIZAO!
And so I headed to slay more monsters till I ran out of MP. Waited for it to recharge before I kept Slicing and Dicing Level one and two monsters.
_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
End of day one.
(Level 2)
Race: SWORD
Charge: 0/10
EXP: 175/200
Name: UNNAMED
HP : 100/100
MP : 200/200
CP : 150/150
ATK: 10
DUR: 10
MAG: 20
Rarity - Godly
Type - Noble Phantasm
Skills:
Gamer's Mind (Lvl Max) Cost Free - Keep a calm mind at all times.
Telekinesis (Level 1) Cost 2 MP per Second. Range - 10 Meters.
Self Cleaning (Level 1) Passive
Self Repair (level 1) Passive
Skill Points - 0
Attribute points - 0
QP - 750
Current Form: Monoho Shizao
[/quote]
The SWORD was forcefully calmed down within seconds.
Oh.
The Rain Stopped.
So, where am I anyway? SWORD asked himself before a notification popped up.
Of course! The 'YES' option Highlighted itself before the glowing blue dialogue disappeared, and another appeared in its place.
Gamer's Dungeon?
I looked around and sure enough, there was a Wild boar staring at me intently as if trying to spontaneously combust me from its gaze alone.
Let's see. Observe.
Wait is that all?
Telekinesis huh. Alright, then let's see. I concentrate on trying to activate telekinesis mentally. a few moments later I could feel myself lifting out of my anvil. Finally free from it.
[quote]Gift Received Would you like to open it? Y/N?[/quote]
Yes, please!
There was a small golden flash before I felt my something filling me up.
Holy hell. Let see If this works. I accelerated my self toward the boar sand pierced a side of it.
The boar ran Around trying to get rid me. But I was lodged in. I sliced him open from the inside casing a lot of bleeding and damage as the boar fell down.
I slid out of the boar and lay on the ground. Its blood Covering my body.
I put all 10 points to MAG. May as well be a magic sword even if I look ordinary.
Shop? A blank screen Opened.
Oh right the criteria. Skills that cost 2 skill points or less. Immediately a list opened in front of me.
I mentally nudged self-cleaning and a window popped out.
Hmmm. I mentally CLosed it and checked the Others One by one.
After about a While Decide on self-repairing. I don't want to rust away should I break after all. I also took Self-cleaning.
Skins?
Hmmm. Search for Laptops.
The moment I said that I got a list. But even the Cheapest laptop here costs 200 QP.
Alright, Let's see for skins?... Oh I Know. Search for Monohoshizao. There we go.
Monohoshizao Skin. Cost 50QP
Optional Skill: HIken Tsubame Gaeshi. Cost 10,000 QP
Would you like to purchase this skin? Y/N.
Would you like to Purchase this skill as well? Y/N?
Holy FUCK 10,000 QP? But Anyways Doesn't matter. I got the skin. I don't have to look like a beginner Iron dagger anymore. I bought the skin...
Yes Please!
The moment I said that I was enveloped in a golden light and I felt myself being stretched. Strangely enough, it felt completely natural to me as if it wasn't something strange.
Within moments I was no longer an ordinary Iron Sword. I was now the REGENDARY MONOHISHIZAO!
And so I headed to slay more monsters till I ran out of MP. Waited for it to recharge before I kept Slicing and Dicing Level one and two monsters.
_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
End of day one.
(Level 2)
Race: SWORD
Charge: 0/10
EXP: 175/200
Name: UNNAMED
HP : 100/100
MP : 200/200
CP : 150/150
ATK: 10
DUR: 10
MAG: 20
Rarity - Godly
Type - Noble Phantasm
Skills:
Gamer's Mind (Lvl Max) Cost Free - Keep a calm mind at all times.
Telekinesis (Level 1) Cost 2 MP per Second. Range - 10 Meters.
Self Cleaning (Level 1) Passive
Self Repair (level 1) Passive
Skill Points - 0
Attribute points - 0
QP - 750
Current Form: Monoho Shizao
[/quote]
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Jaune Pendragon
King Of Servants
- Location
- Avalon
Sorry about this. For some reason, I accidentally put quite a bit of a chapter inside a quote....
Edit Fixed it....
Edit Fixed it....
Last edited:
- Location
- Wellesley MA
Jaune Pendragon, I have a few issues with this story
1. Your use of Gamer's mind to nullify the character's legitimate nervous breakdown dehumanizes the sword and makes him less of a character.
2. Your fight with the boar was poorly handled. You turned one-on-one combat to the death into a simple numbers game, with very little focus at all on the action.
3. The vast majority of this chapter is about the statistics behind the skills you can learn or the skills you do learn, and at least half the chapter was spent in the point shop.
4. This is the literary equivalent to wanking off to all your friends about how awesome your level 10 dwarf barbarian is by having the dwarf barbarian look at all the things he can buy in the shop and the mathematical gains those items can give your dwarf barbarian. Like if the Dungeon Master's entire quest was spent in the point shop rather then actually playing a D&D campaign. Except this is a story and not a D&D campaign, so the audience has higher storytelling standards and is bored by RPG mechanics.
You need your story to have a plot that isn't about how awesome the Gamer power is, and the math has no context for the reader. Actual physical injury and the main character's reactions are how the audience gauges how much trouble the main character is in, because the numbers don't mean anything by themselves. Like, if you tell me the sword is at 10 HP, I think "so what", but if you tell me the sword's blade was sliced in half, I think "Oh wow that's bad".
1. Your use of Gamer's mind to nullify the character's legitimate nervous breakdown dehumanizes the sword and makes him less of a character.
2. Your fight with the boar was poorly handled. You turned one-on-one combat to the death into a simple numbers game, with very little focus at all on the action.
3. The vast majority of this chapter is about the statistics behind the skills you can learn or the skills you do learn, and at least half the chapter was spent in the point shop.
4. This is the literary equivalent to wanking off to all your friends about how awesome your level 10 dwarf barbarian is by having the dwarf barbarian look at all the things he can buy in the shop and the mathematical gains those items can give your dwarf barbarian. Like if the Dungeon Master's entire quest was spent in the point shop rather then actually playing a D&D campaign. Except this is a story and not a D&D campaign, so the audience has higher storytelling standards and is bored by RPG mechanics.
You need your story to have a plot that isn't about how awesome the Gamer power is, and the math has no context for the reader. Actual physical injury and the main character's reactions are how the audience gauges how much trouble the main character is in, because the numbers don't mean anything by themselves. Like, if you tell me the sword is at 10 HP, I think "so what", but if you tell me the sword's blade was sliced in half, I think "Oh wow that's bad".
Jaune Pendragon
King Of Servants
- Location
- Avalon
Hmmmm very well. i shall take them into consideration. This chapter was an introduction anyway.
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