The Multiverse Shits Itself With The Imperial Fam-Squad the Abridged Series! (SAO abridged/Multiverse Conquering)

[Zackman2k12]

Ainz's heart, brand new and fresh off the lines, pounded against his ribs. He watched, frozen in place, as the divinity he had no idea the name of, stared at him with an intensity that seemed to pierce through his carefully crafted human facade. A myriad of expressions flickered across the monstrous being of divine power's face – curiosity, confusion, sympathy, anger, and finally, a deep, unsettling sadness.

Ten seconds. It felt like an eternity. Ainz braced himself for the worst. For a blast of divine power that would obliterate him, for the agonizing oblivion of death. He'd seen what these beings were capable of. He'd felt their power firsthand.

But instead of annihilation, the thing simply nodded, leaning over to whisper something to who he identified as his wife, during that heroic tale. Her expression, initially guarded, softened as the man spoke. Then, with a serious look, he beckoned Ainz closer.

Ainz, his mind a chaotic storm of confusion and terror, shot a desperate look at his companions. Behave, he mouthed, hoping they understood the gravity of the situation. Albedo, her usual predatory grin replaced by a mask of wary obedience, nodded curtly. Nabe and Lupusregina remained silent, their gazes fixed on the powerful being, their hands hovering near their concealed weapons.

Ainz approached the man and Asuna, his steps hesitant, his every sense screaming at him to run, to teleport back to the safety of Nazarick, to do anything but stand here, vulnerable, before these beings who could crush him like an insect.

"Sup," he said, his voice surprisingly casual. "Names Kirito. So, uh, I saw you were Japanese by your skin tone and general looks, so I got curious and rooted around in your noggin. Sorry 'bout that. Really raw deal you got there, seriously, fuck that god. Never seen an asshole curse someone for a shittier reason than that."

Ainz, his mind reeling, grasped at the only lifeline he could find: the misunderstanding. "You have no idea," he croaked, his voice barely a whisper.

Kirito grimaced, his expression pained. "Uh, sorry. I do. I was really interested after watching your third life, so I just kept watching. Man, that's totally fucked up. 105 lives and counting, and you're still getting a shit deal. You only get to keep your memories of how you got powerful, and I feel like… you know, I'm just gonna stop talking."

Ainz, desperate for this conversation to end, nodded eagerly. "Yes," he said, his voice firm. "I'd rather not bring up those kinds of memories. I'd thank you to stop."

"Names Kirito," the divinity repeated, his gaze softening slightly. "This is my wife, Asuna. So, in essence, I hope you have a better life this time." With a final, sympathetic glance, Kirito and Asuna turned and walked away, disappearing into the bustling crowd.

Ainz stood there, frozen, his mind a blank slate. What had just happened? Why hadn't they killed him? What had Kirito seen in his mind?

Five minutes later, after a frantic mental inventory of his skills and abilities, Ainz finally understood. The flavor text he'd haphazardly shoved into his "Perfectly Unknowable: Alignment" skill… it had merged, then autocompleted into a single, sprawling narrative. A story that spanned 105 lifetimes, a tale of heroism, tragedy, and repeated reincarnation. A story that was completely, utterly, categorically false.

He'd stumbled upon a loophole, a glitch in the system. His own incompetence, his careless disregard for the details, had inadvertently created a shield, a defense against the very beings who could have erased him from existence.

Ainz pulled off a masterful plan. By sheer accident.

---

I stood near the quest board, a scowl etched across my face. My fingers drummed impatiently against the worn wood, my gaze unfocused, my mind a whirlwind of anger and disgust. I had a literal god on my shitlist now. And when we got back to the empire, I was going to dedicate a significant portion of my processing power to brainstorming ways to turn that divinity into a pincushion of agony. With Yui's help, of course.

"I've never seen you so disturbed, Kirito," Asuna said, her voice laced with concern. "What did you see in his head?"

I took a deep breath, trying to organize the chaotic mess of memories and emotions that had flooded my mind when I'd peered into that poor bastard's soul. "Picture this, Asuna," I began, my voice low and intense. "You've just gotten off work. The year is 2138. Your life is absolute garbage, and all you have to look forward to is absolute boredom and drearyness when you get home because, news flash, corporate hellholes don't pay you enough for a proper three meals a day, let alone any entertainment or education."

I paused, letting the image sink in. "So, one day, you're forced to fire the guy just below you in the hierarchy, the corporate amoeba to your corporate ant. The guy then goes to the subway and is pushed in front of an oncoming subway car. That's just the beginning. The piece of shit who plucked you out of the sea of dead souls, the flamboyant, clown-faced asshole of a god, says that, 'Ohhh, you're too ugly and gross, so I must now be the ULTIMATE dickwad and give you the blessing of being handsome,'" I mocked, my voice dripping with disdain.

"In exchange for the following curses," I continued, my voice hardening. "An unending series of new lives with no rest after any death. But you're guaranteed suffering because guess what? He's been specially chosen to be the equivalent to the protagonist in every world because of the second curse. Then the third curse, the 'let you live in interesting times' garbage? Yeah, even if he beats the big bad, another one just goddamn shows up because sadistic asshole is sadistic. The number of times his wife or wives – and after all that, I wouldn't judge him – and friends survive longer than him, I can count on one hand. He's been through this shit 105 times now, and I'm pretty sure he's the guy who's supposed to beat the skeleton asshole because he's just about weaker than him." I finished my rant with a scowl, the image of that poor bastard's suffering seared into my mind.

Asuna blinked, her expression a mix of horror and pity. "I… don't think I have any words for that other than I don't want to think about it. Like, at all."

I nodded grimly. "Yeah, me neither. But I can't just let that asshole god get away with this. It's… it's just wrong." A surge of anger, cold and sharp, pulsed through me. "I feel like something therapeutic would be finding that clown of a god and shoving my upgraded Dark Repulsor so far up his ass that even if I don't shove Elucidator down his gullet – which I will – he explodes into fine goddamn mist. Seriously, the bastard turned a perfectly fine, average wage slave into the real-life equivalent of 'All the Suffering Natsuki Subaru Who Can't Even Save His Loved Ones.'"

---

After using a perception speed enhancing skill and a time slow spell afforded to rogues of sufficiently rare classes and homunculus type races, Ainz quickly reads through the 200000 word summarized section of his flavor text. 100,000,000 plus words condensed properly into telling him only the important bits in a story that, even condensed, took a subjective few days, Ainz paled considerably.

This is literally the most tragic shit I have ever read and Touchme talked about plenty of those stories, fantasizing about how he would fix them if he was sent there with a special power.

Touchme used to even write 'fix-it' fics, even if I never read them, he was a ham about talking about them and quoted his heroically written words often in-game.

Albedo, her eyes gleaming with admiration, began to declare, "Sasuga! Ainz-sama, a masterful—"

A wave of panic surged through Ainz. He couldn't let her finish that sentence. If those words, that praise for his nonexistent brilliance, reached Kirito's ears… He shuddered, imagining the consequences.

With a swiftness born of his enhanced mental processing speed, a perk of his new "Mockery of Life" racial class, he cast a silent Message spell, targeting Albedo, Nabe, and Lupusregina.

QUIET! The words appeared in their minds, stark and urgent. Don't ruin the deception! If that god finds out— if the outsider god known as Kirito, EVER finds out any of that is false, he will be so angry that he will erase us on the spot with great fury! We will NEVER speak of it out loud, and if he references it in your presence, you are to look contrite and sad, as well as sympathetic towards me as possible. The deception must NEVER be spoken of.

Albedo's eyes widened, her voice catching in her throat. Nabe and Lupusregina exchanged startled glances, their hands instinctively tightening on their concealed weapons. Albedo, her face paling, looked as if she were about to prostrate herself, begging for forgiveness for her perceived failure. Ainz, with a sigh of exasperation, sent another silent message.

We will talk about it when we return to the Tomb. But for now, you need to act natural!

Albedo, her posture stiffening, nodded curtly. Nabe and Lupusregina followed suit, their expressions carefully neutral. Ainz, his heart pounding a steady rhythm against his ribs, forced a smile onto his face. He had to maintain the illusion, the facade of a weary, yet noble, hero.

He approached the counter, his gaze scanning the room. The Adventurers Guild was a bustling hive of activity, filled with the sounds of boisterous laughter, drunken arguments, and the clinking of tankards. He spotted a stack of forms near the counter, presumably for those seeking to register as adventurers. He reached for one, his fingers brushing against the rough parchment.

And then he realized he couldn't read it. The language, a swirling mess of unfamiliar characters, was completely alien to him.

He glanced at Albedo, a silent plea for help in his eyes. She, ever attuned to his needs, nodded subtly. She poked a finger to her temple, then repeated the gesture, targeting Nabe, Lupusregina, and finally, Ainz. A jolt of energy surged through him, and suddenly, the words on the form swam into focus. He could read them. He could understand them.

"Ah, thank you, Albedo," he said, his voice a low murmur. "I do not have that spell and would have been in trouble. So, consider the minor slight resolved."

He mentally patted himself on the back for avoiding another potential meltdown from his overly devoted guardian overseer. Albedo, like all of his NPCs, seemed to crave punishment for even the slightest perceived transgression. It was a bizarre quirk, one he hadn't quite figured out how to address.

He took a deep breath, his newly human lungs expanding and contracting with a comforting familiarity. He could do this. He had to do this. He had to blend in, gather information, and avoid attracting the attention of those terrifyingly powerful beings.

This cannot go horribly wrong at all, he thought sarcastically, a flicker of doubt creeping into his mind.

 

[Zackman2k12]

The image of that smug, clown-faced god, the one who'd cursed that poor salaryman bastard with an eternity of suffering, flickered in my mind.

For a fleeting moment, a surge of white-hot rage pulsed through me, and I considered tearing through the void, hunting him down, and shoving my sword so far down his throat that it tickled his nonexistent balls.

Ah, yes, I have foiled your evil plan by simply existing, doesn't that infuriate you? Isn't it so super-angry-making, you whiny baby with a god complex? Well, the real god's here now, and he has a good reason to have a word with you!

But no, revenge would have to wait. We had more pressing matters to attend to. Like, for instance, the fact that we were currently operating on a budget of zero. I mean, sure, we could probably just walk into the royal treasury and help ourselves to a few chests of gold, but where was the fun in that? Besides, we had a reputation to maintain. Foreign royalty didn't resort to petty theft, even if they were literal gods in disguise.

"Looks like we need to make a quick trip to the money-making machine," I muttered, my gaze sweeping across the crowded guild hall. The place was a chaotic mess of boisterous adventurers, overflowing tankards of ale, and the lingering scent of sweat, straight from anti-sunshine land.

Not exactly my ideal hangout spot, but hey, beggars can't be choosers.

Asuna, who was browsing through the lower-level quest postings with a look of amused disbelief, raised an eyebrow at me. "Money-making machine?" she echoed, her voice laced with a dry sarcasm that only I could fully appreciate. "You mean that piece of paper on the board over there that dispenses 10 copper coins for collecting ten rat tails? Sounds thrilling."

"Nah," I said, shaking my head. "I'm thinking about something a little more… efficient."

I'd noticed something interesting about this world's currency system. Gold, it seemed, was gold. No matter where you went, no matter what realm you found yourself in, a gold coin was a gold coin. And when you took it out of your inventory in a real-world setting, the digital gold of my 'col' turned into actual, physical gold.

Handy, that.

So, selling a few gold coins to be melted down seemed like a safe bet. No chance of crashing the market in a country that had a stranglehold on the link between currency and categories of items, no matter the stock.

Besides, it was better than doing something stupid, like selling an item I had no idea the significance of in a world this weak, magically speaking.

Selling a mid-heal crystal, probably the equivalent of a potion of literally god-level healing in this world, would bring so much suspicion down on our heads that I could practically hear the inquisition already marching our way.

Oh, look, a glowing crystal that can instantly heal any wound, even regrow limbs! Must be a common trinket from some backwater kingdom. Nothing suspicious here!

Yeah, right.

This world was different. Magic was weak, common goods were cheap, but a single gold coin could buy you, at most, a single book on being slightly useful. Which, considering the average intelligence level I'd observed so far, was probably a generous overestimation.

I glanced back at the quest board, my eyes scanning the postings.

Goblin extermination for a copper-plated adventurer? Ogre hunting for a mythril-plated adventurer? Seriously?! What was wrong with these people?! The difference in difficulty between those tasks was so absolutely negligible that my brain fucking trembled!

It was like comparing a toddler's tea party to a slightly more chaotic toddler's tea party.

Do you want to fight a fighter or a slightly more muscular fighter?! Well, have I got the specifically weak mission for you!

"Hey, Asuna," I said, my voice laced with a sardonic amusement, "wanna go on an epic adventure? We could collect ten herbs! After all, we, the copper plates, are so goddamn weak that the world will shit itself at our presence! Such weak! Or deliver a package to the next town for a whopping silver coin and a chance at an upgrade to iron! It'll be a real test of our skills!"

Asuna snorted, shaking her head. "You're such a dork," she said, but the smile in her eyes betrayed her amusement.

Yeah, she got it. She always did. This world, with its low-level quests and its primitive understanding of magic, was a joke. A bad joke. But hey, at least it was entertaining. For now.

---

"—No, I think I'd rather go with your plan of melting down gold at the bank. No chance of suspicion for big items, so that adventure of not-so-epic proportions can wait."

Ainz overheard the woman's words as he finished pondering the "Comprehend Multiple Items" spell. Albedo had just cast it on a written form, and it had somehow worked. Magic in this world was… strange. Unpredictable. He still hadn't quite grasped its nuances of how it converted from Yggdrasil.

Then, the woman's- Asuna's words, spoken so casually, so carelessly, hit him like a runaway carriage.

"—Melt down gold…"

"—Melt down gold…"
"—Melt down gold…"
"—Melt down gold…"

The phrase echoed in his mind, a mocking refrain that underscored his own stupidity. He'd been so focused on maintaining his "hero" facade, on blending in, that he'd completely overlooked the obvious. Selling a mid-tier potion in a world where magic was weak, where healing potions were likely rare and valuable… it would have been a disaster. He could already imagine the questions, the suspicion, the inevitable scrutiny that would have followed.

How did you acquire such a potent potion? Where did you learn such advanced alchemy? Who are you, really?

The sound of a hand meeting flesh echoed through the guild hall. Ainz had slapped himself, hard, across the face. A facepalm of epic proportions.

You idiot, he thought, wincing at the stinging sensation on his cheek. You almost blew your cover before you even started!

Ainz watched, his newly-formed heart pounding a steady rhythm against his ribs, as Kirito and Asuna moved towards the quest board. They seemed so… normal. So human. It was almost impossible to reconcile this image with the terrifying power he'd witnessed in the forest.

They scanned the board for a moment, their expressions thoughtful, before selecting a parchment and heading towards the registration counter. Ainz strained to hear their conversation, but their voices were lost in the din of the guild hall.

He saw Kirito slap a few copper coins onto the counter, presumably the registration fee, and receive a small, metal token in return. They turned and headed towards the exit, their movements casual, their demeanor relaxed. They were leaving.

Ainz felt a surge of relief, but it was quickly replaced by a wave of anxiety. He had to know what they were up to. He had to understand their motivations, their goals. He had to…

"Shall I dispatch a few Shadows to follow them, Ainz-sama?" Albedo's voice, a low murmur in his ear, startled him out of his thoughts.

"No," Ainz said, his voice firm. He couldn't risk it. If those beings, those gods discovered they were being followed, the consequences could be disastrous. "We will follow them ourselves, but only for a short distance. Just long enough to see which direction they take, then we will retreat."

Albedo's brow furrowed, her expression a mix of confusion and disappointment. "But Ainz-sama," she protested, "surely a few Shadows would be more discreet. They could-"

"Enough! Albedo!" Ainz interrupted, his voice taking on a sharper edge. "We cannot risk being discovered. Those beings are far too perceptive. They might still be watching us, even now." He wasn't sure if that was true, but it was a convenient excuse to avoid further scrutiny.

Albedo, her shoulders slumping slightly, bowed her head. Then in a hyper-flagilistic way she exclaimed, "As you command, Ainz-sama! I apologize for my…"

"There is no need for apologies, Albedo," Ainz said, forcing a reassuring smile onto his face as he prevented her from slamming her face into the table. "Your loyalty is commendable. But for now, we must proceed with caution. We will discuss this further when we return to Nazarick." He didn't want to deal with Albedo's self-flagellation right now. He had enough on his plate as it was.

---

We stepped out of the bank, a satisfying weight settling in my pocket. A few hundred gold coins, discreetly exchanged for a small fortune in this world's laughably inflated currency, would be more than enough to cover our expenses for the foreseeable future. Who knew that the actual amount of gold in the 'gold' coins was so small that 100 2 ounce gold coins would be such a big deal.

I glanced at the setting sun, its orange glow painting the sky in a fiery palette. Time for the next phase of our "grand adventure."

I unfolded the quest parchment, scanning the details. "Investigate the local graveyard for signs of undead activity and report back to the guild," I read aloud, my voice laced with amusement. "And report back… huh. Yeah, not going to do that. Wanna go catacomb diving, Asuna?"

Asuna, who was already twirling a lock of her hair around her finger, a sure sign that she was ready for some action, grinned. "Catacomb diving it is," she said, her eyes sparkling with mischief. "Who knows what kind of treasures we might find down there? Maybe even a few undead to test out our 'new totally not sandbagging' skills on."

I chuckled, shaking my head. Leave it to Asuna to turn a mundane task into an opportunity for some good old-fashioned attention grabbing. "Alright," I said, my grin widening, "let's go raise some hell."

 

[Zackman2k12]

By the power of mass releases, BE HEALED!

Also, this is no longer for patreon because apparently having my normal stories and fanfics on the same patreon is bad-juju. I don't feel like managing TWO patreons, so yea.

 

[Zackman2k12]

The cemetery gates loomed before us, a wrought iron monstrosity that seemed to sag under the weight of years and neglect. A gaggle of adventurers, their tags ranging from copper plates to a few gleaming silvers, milled about, their expressions a mix of boredom and apprehension. Apparently, this was a group mission, a mass extermination of the undead that had taken up residence in the catacombs beneath the graveyard.

I scanned the crowd, my enhanced senses taking in every detail. Irons and silvers would be arriving soon, taking over from the lower-ranked adventurers who had finished the initial scouting. Emptying out the entire catacombs before they even got a chance to swing a sword would probably piss them off. Not that I particularly cared about pissing off irons, bronzes, or coppers. But the few silvers and the gold-plated overseer… they might prove to be a bit obstructive if we just waltzed in and obliterated every single derpy skeleton down there.

So, the solution was simple: do all the scouting at once. I turned to Asuna, our eyes meeting in a silent exchange. We'd practiced multiple ways of communicating silently by now, from subtle hand gestures to telepathic links. But for this, the simplest solution was best.

"You have Maximize Magic and Area Detect Undead from those zealots we killed in the Katze Plains, right?" I asked, my voice a low murmur that only she could hear.

Asuna nodded, a grin on her face and her eyes narrowed. "Yup."

I grinned, already picturing the looks on their faces. "Alright, let's give them a show they won't forget."

With a casual flick of her wrist, Asuna began to cast the spell. A faint hum filled the air as a complex- to the onlookers at least-, two-layered magic circle materialized before her, its simple as fuck- I totally mean intricate, runes glowing with an ethereal light. The adventurers, their mouths agape, stared in stunned silence. To them, this was high-level magic, a display of power far beyond their comprehension.

Asuna, ignoring their bewildered gazes, poured a negligible her will into the spell while making it look simple- because to her it was. The magic circle pulsed, expanding outwards, encompassing the entire graveyard and the catacombs beneath. The air crackled with energy as the spell reached its peak, then faded, leaving behind a shimmering afterimage.

Asuna, with a smirk, conjured a sheet of parchment and overlaid the spells divination to the paper. Lines appeared, forming a detailed map of the area, with glowing red dots marking the locations of every single undead creature within the catacombs. She handed the map to the gold-plated overseer, who was still staring at her with a slack-jawed expression.

"There you go," she said, her voice laced with a playful amusement. "Happy hunting."

We turned and walked away, our pace leisurely, our expressions carefully neutral. We'd made our point. We were not to be trifled with.

We were two blocks away, heading back towards the Adventurers Guild, when the gold-plated overseer finally found his voice.

"HOW IN THE FUCK?!" he roared, his voice echoing through the streets. "THAT WAS FOURTH-TIER MAGIC!"

I chuckled, shaking my head. "Ah, yes," I muttered, "the smell of primitives seeing a slightly stronger than normal spell and then freaking out. Such interesting. Many fun. Wow."

This world was going to be a challenge, alright.

Yes.

All of the difficulties.

Totally.

---

The familiar scent of ale and sweat washed over me as we stepped back into the Adventurer's Guild. The usual boisterous atmosphere was subdued, a low hum of conversation replacing the usual shouts and laughter. Most of the adventurers were either gathered around tables, nursing their drinks, or huddled in small groups, their voices hushed as they discussed upcoming expeditions or recounted past exploits.

A lone pigeon perched on the counter of the "Incoming Message and Courier Delivery" section, its beady eyes fixed on a flustered receptionist who was staring at a small scroll clutched in her hand. Her jaw hung slack, her expression a mix of disbelief and bewilderment.

"I need you to confirm this with the Gold Plate Overseer in person," she said, her voice sharp with urgency after she beckoned to a nearby Copper Plate adventurer, a young man with a mop of unruly brown hair and a nervous twitch in his eye- and he arrived. "He needs to send one of his Silvers to give this message, not just hand it off to a carrier pigeon!"

I glanced at Asuna, a silent question passing between us. What in the world is going on? I thought, my curiosity piqued. But we had a reward to collect, and I wasn't about to let a little bureaucratic drama get in the way of our hard-earned- well, not really hard-earned- easy cash- payout.

We continued towards the reward counter, our steps echoing on the wooden floor. But before we could reach our destination, the receptionist, her face still flushed with a mix of confusion and what looked like awe, intercepted us.

"Ah, umm, Your Royal Highness Prince Famme," she stammered, her eyes darting between us and the pigeon, which was now pecking impatiently at the counter, "could you please wait until we confirm the information? We already know what you two supposedly did, but we need to be thorough for record's sake."

I nodded, my expression carefully neutral. "Very well," I said, my voice a smooth, practiced blend of patience and authority. It wouldn't do to make a scene, not when we were trying to maintain our cover. Besides, I was curious to see what all the fuss was about. This was turning out to be far more entertaining than I'd anticipated.

"Ah, my royal fiancé of the Yuuki Ducal house, the future queen of the nation that is my heart," I said, my voice dripping with all of the honey, "what shall we do while we wait?" I gestured vaguely towards the bustling guild hall, my illusion of boredom barely masking the amusement I felt at the absurdity of the situation.

Asuna smirked, a faint blush coloring her cheeks. "I do so wonder," she replied, her voice a playful purr. But beneath the surface, a different conversation was taking place.

We really need to fix that 'Yuuki' surname, she sent telepathically, her tone laced with a hint of annoyance. The thought of being related to that parasite and the sperm donor still pisses me off. The fact that we never returned to get officially married in the sense of Japanese law still sucks.

I chuckled, sending a reassuring thought back to her. How about we fix that? We shall truly become a Famme-ily.

"How about," I said aloud, my voice taking on a more serious tone, "we start planning the wedding? Right here, right now."

I dropped to one knee, my movements smooth.

With a flourish, I pulled out a ring. Not just any ring, mind you. This was a masterpiece of craftsmanship, a dazzling display of diamonds arranged in an intricate pattern that would make even the most jaded jeweler weep with envy. It was a ring fit for a goddess, a ring that whispered of eternal love and devotion.

Why are you so sweet? Asuna sent, her mental voice choked with emotion. We already did this in virtual reality, but the fact that we're doing this in a physical world… it hurts how much love you are making me feel for you. I don't know how I could ever be more happy.

Externally, she gasped, her hand flying to her mouth as she stared at the ring with wide, tear-filled eyes. Then, with a sudden surge of emotion, she grabbed me by the shirt, pulling me close, and kissed me. It was a long, passionate kiss, a kiss that spoke of nearly three years of shared experiences, of battles fought side-by-side, of a love that transcended the boundaries of reality.

"Yes," she whispered, her voice barely audible above the sudden hush that had fallen over the guild hall. "A million times and forever, yes."

The guild erupted in applause, cheers and whistles filling the air. A few adventurers even started stomping their feet, creating a rhythmic thunder that shook the very foundations of the building. It was a moment of pure, unadulterated joy, a celebration of love and commitment that transcended the usual cynicism and violence of this world.

And then, time froze.

The cheers died in throats, the tankards froze mid-air, and the flickering flames of the fireplace solidified into motionless sculptures of fire. A wave of divine power, cold and alien, washed over the room, its presence so overwhelming that it made my skin crawl.

A figure materialized before us, its form shifting and swirling, a kaleidoscope of colors and light that defied comprehension. It was a being of pure energy, its shape constantly changing, its voice a chorus of whispers that echoed in the frozen silence.

"My favorite person who actually understood me, despite me literally pretending to be a cat who shoved his head into a NerveGear and forced everyone to believe it, is finally getting married for real!" the being declared, its voice a bizarre mix of static and a strangely familiar feline purr.



"I FUCKING KNEW IT!" I roared, my voice shattering the frozen silence. I'd always known that damn cat was more than it seemed. That level of intelligence, that understanding… it was impossible for a normal feline.

"WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?!" Asuna demanded, her voice laced with a mixture of shock and disbelief. "And why does it look like— oh my fucking god, you were actually talking to the cat before, and you really did understand it BECAUSE IT WASN'T A CAT AT ALL!"

"Really, Asuna, if Don Fluffles was actually a cat and not some eldritch monstrosity, no offense," I interjected, turning to the glowing figure, "it would have died of starvation or dehydration. No one is going to take the body of a cat who is somehow playing in a NerveGear to a vet! It's almost as implausible as the fact a cat got into a NerveGear in the first place."



Don Fluffles, his form solidifying into a vaguely humanoid shape,



nodded in agreement. "Yeah, I'm surprised I actually got away with that, even with the sep field. Congrats on the upcoming wedding."

The fact that his adventurer A type armor changed into an extremely fancy modern suit was actually quite cool.

 

[Zackman2k12]

View: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dqjG0GFE60Y

 

[Zackman2k12]

"Fair warning," Don Fluffles said, his voice a low rumble that seemed to vibrate the very air around us, "everyone will remember me as if I'd always been here as an Adamantite Plate adventurer when I unstop time. Just pretend that I have a majestic beard and a shiny bald head and am totally not a cat-faced eldritch abomination."

I blinked as time lurched back into motion, the frozen guild hall springing back to life. It was like someone had hit the play button on a paused movie, except with the added weirdness of a few extra people suddenly appearing out of nowhere. Reality, it seemed, had a bit of a glitch.

"Hey, Don," a voice boomed from behind me. I turned to see a massive woman, her features chiseled and strong, her muscles rippling beneath her armor. She had a smirk on her face, and her eyes, a piercing blue, seemed to assess me with a single glance. "You talkin' to these newbies?"

I watched as Don Fluffles nodded and gave a thumbs-up, that bizarrely feline grin still plastered on his face. The way his mouth moved, like he was making elongated meowing noises, was and always had been extremely strange when paired with his deep, booming voice. It was like watching a nature documentary narrated by Morgan Freeman, but with a cat's face superimposed over the majestic lion.

"Yeah, they're entirely underrated," Don Fluffles said, his voice a rumble. "I'm sure they'll get to our level in short order, Gagaran."

The woman, now identified as Gagaran, just nodded, taking a long swig from her tankard. "I'll take your word for it," she said, wiping her mouth with the back of her hand. "I'll go check up on Evileye." She winked at me – a gesture that, coming from someone with her physique, was more intimidating than flirtatious – and then strode off towards a shadowy corner of the guild hall.

"Mhm, thanks for the vote of confidence," I said, nodding to Don Fluffles after I had a quick revolted shudder. "Didn't need it, but a rep boost is a rep boost."

Don Fluffles chuckled, his shoulders shaking with mirth. "Don't mention it, kid," he said, his voice a low purr. "Just having a little fun."

"Disturbing revelations and broken perception filters aside," Asuna began, her voice full of so much annoyance and rage that I was absolutely sure that she would develop a misfortune domain simply to use it on her newly gained adversary, "is anyone else disturbed that big, mean, and anti-feminine over there just tried to ineffectually flirt with someone who just proposed to me? Like, no one at all?"

I was about to respond, to offer some witty retort or a reassuring gesture, but before I could, the guild receptionist bustled back to our table, a silver plate clutched in her hand. Beside her stood a man with a mustache so majestic it could have its own gravitational pull. He nodded to Don Fluffles with a smile, then turned his attention to us.

"I would like to give you a Platinum Plate due to your feat of fourth-tier magic," he said, his voice a booming baritone that commanded attention, "but after completing just a single quest and giving one to an adventurer, let alone a team of two… well, let's just say the other guild masters would try to make trouble. My name is Pluton Ainzach, and I am the Adventurer's Guild Master here at E-Rantel. I expect great things from you two." He handed us each a silver plate that was both cool in the temperature sense and cool in the 'I want to wear this' sense.

"Thank you, Guild Master Ainzach," I said, my voice a carefully crafted blend of humility and gratitude. "We are honored to serve." I glanced at Asuna, who was examining her newly acquired plate with a mix of amusement and curiosity.

"Hmm, alright, this seems adequate." she murmured, her fingers tracing the metal surface. "I wonder what kind of perks come with being a Silver Plate adventurer in this world?"

I chuckled, shaking my head. "Only one way to find out," I said, my grin widening.

I watched as Ainzach, his shoulders slumping with fatigue, turned to head towards the stairs leading to the upper levels of the guild hall. A mischievous grin spread across my face. Time to stir the pot a little.

"Please, Guild Master Ainzach," I said, my voice laced with a feigned innocence, "Explain to us newbies what silverifying ourselves would prevail us of opportunity-wise."

Ainzach paused, his brow furrowing slightly at my deliberately mangled wording. He seemed to be a man of few words, his patience worn thin by years of dealing with idiotic adventurers. But he was also a professional, and he clearly took his duties as Guild Master seriously. With a sigh, he turned back to face us, his expression a mask of weary tolerance.

"Silver adventurers are allowed to request lodging directly at guild housing for a fee," he explained, his voice a gruff baritone. "Some restaurants offer discounts, and you can get better quests. That's pretty much it."

I exchanged a glance with Asuna, a silent chuckle passing between us. Better quests? I thought, my amusement growing. In this world? I'd like to see what they consider 'challenging.'

"Well," I said, my grin widening, "guess we'll have to wait for those 'better quests' to materialize. In the meantime…" I trailed off, my gaze following Asuna as she strode back towards the quest board. She scanned the postings for a moment, her brow furrowed in thought, before selecting the parchment detailing the cemetery clearing mission. The one that specifically involved killing the undead, not just mapping their locations.

"Now that we are, in fact, Silver Plates," she said, her voice laced with a predatory excitement, "let's go have some fun." She turned and headed towards the exit, her steps purposeful, her hand resting on the hilt of her rapier.

I chuckled, shaking my head. Leave it to Asuna to find a way to make even the most mundane task sound like a declaration of war. I followed close behind, enjoying the bewildered stares of the other adventurers as we passed.

As we reached the guild hall doors, a loud sigh echoed from the second-story balcony. Ainzach, his face a mask of weary exasperation, slammed the door to his office shut. "Crazy royal bastards," he muttered, his voice barely audible above the din of the guild hall.

I grinned, my amusement growing. He had no idea.

---

The cemetery gates creaked open, revealing a gaggle of adventurers milling about, their expressions a mix of anticipation and boredom. I spotted the Gold Plate Overseer, a stern-looking man with a neatly trimmed beard and a no-nonsense demeanor, standing near the entrance to the catacombs. Time to make our grand entrance.

"Look who's got the right plate now?" I said, approaching the Overseer with a shit-eating grin plastered on my face. "Fun time?"

The Overseer, his expression unchanging, simply nodded. "Yes. Fun. In a crypt." He then turned to address the assembled adventurers, his voice a booming baritone that cut through the murmuring crowd. "Alright, listen up! The catacombs are extensive, and the undead are said to be particularly aggressive this time of year. Stick to your assigned teams, follow the maps, and don't engage any enemies beyond your rank. Safety first, people!"

I stifled a chuckle as the adventurers, their faces a mix of eagerness and apprehension, surged forward, jostling for position as they entered the crypt entrance. They were so eager to prove themselves, so desperate for a taste of glory, that they completely missed the obvious. The deliberately blocked doorway, the faint scent of decay that lingered in the air, the unnatural silence that hung over the graveyard… it all screamed "trap." But hey, who was I to spoil their fun?

Asuna, ever the pragmatist, pushed aside a heavy wooden box that had been jammed against the door, a rusty piece of metal further securing it in place. So I just kicked the rest of it down as I turned down a hidden corridor.

"Are you sure that was wise?" she asked, her voice a low murmur.

I took a deep breath, letting the scent of decay fill my nostrils. It was a familiar aroma, a reminder of countless battles fought and won against the forces of darkness. "Well, seeing as that deliberately blocked door was super suspicious," I said, my voice dripping with mock naiveté, "what's the worst that can happen? In fact, nothing bad can happen at all! We're totally going to have all the fun exploring this mysterious crypt. They haven't breached the wall in 100 years, there's no way a cult of evil zombie summoners will attack us here. We are, in fact, invincible. For you see, Asuna, nothing can sink this boat because I HAVE DEFEATED MURPHY, THE BITCH!"

Asuna blinked, her expression a mix of amusement and concern. "That amount of poking Murphy…" she said, her voice trailing off. "Are you sure you want to invite that level of attention?"

I grinned, my eyes narrowing into a predatory gleam. I lifted my middle finger to the sky, a silent challenge to fate itself. "Believe me," I said, my voice a low, confident sound that echoed off the walls, "nothing will occur that is not exactly as I intend. No worries."

And then, with a low rumble that shook the very foundations of the crypt, the floor beneath us gave way.

 

[Zackman2k12]

View: https://youtu.be/qQIjIlS9ti0

 

[Zackman2k12]

So, Hurricanes dislike Miami on principle and since that's where I am and it's coming straight for my general direction, just wanna let you guys know via this temporary(Hopefully) post (Fuckin' category five you never know) that Powers gonna be out when its out and expect me not to be here for at least a couple days from wednesday onwards through friday(And maybe longer depending on infrastructure going smash.)

 

[Zackman2k12]

We landed gracefully, like vengeful angels descending upon a gathering of particularly clueless pigeons. Black robes swirled around us, hundreds of skull-topped staves clattering to the stone floor as their owners gaped in stunned silence. The air hung thick with the stench of incense and something else… something metallic, like blood mixed with rust. A shiver ran down my spine, but it wasn't fear. It was absolute disgust. This was more than just a random encounter with a few stray undead. They were clearly planning something stupid.

"Well," I said, my voice dripping with mocking amusement, "it seems we have acquired an invitation to a cult rave! Shall we go about shitting all over whatever the hell these morons are doing?" I gestured towards the throng of robed figures, my frown deepening into a grimace as I took in the absurdity of the scene. Hundreds of them, packed into this cavernous chamber deep beneath the graveyard, their eyes wide with shock and confusion.

Before any of the other weak and garbage-class cultists around us could even begin to react, a figure in crimson robes broke from the crowd. He stormed towards us, his face contorted in a mask of what he clearly thought was righteous fury while a necklace of skulls rattled against his chest like a demented wind chime. His eyes, blazing with a fanaticism that made my skin crawl, were fixed on me, on Asuna, on the audacity of our arrival.

"HOW DARE YOU! You dare invade the staging ground for my great plan!? Zurrernorn shall no-"

His words were cut short, abruptly and definitively. Asuna, her movements a blur of silver, a dance of death only I could truly appreciate, drove her rapier through the man's skull. The force of the impact obliterated his entire upper body in a spray of blood and bone. The crimson-stained necklace of skulls clattered to the floor, a morbid metronome marking the end of his pathetic existence.

Asuna, her rapier dripping with blood, turned towards the stunned crowd, her eyes narrowed, her voice a chilling whisper that cut through the stunned silence.

"I was talking to my husband!" She paused for a moment, as she swiped the air and the small amount of blood still on her rapier slapped one of the stunned cultists in the face. "Do any other bugs want to interrupt me!?"

A wave of panic rippled through the assembled cultists. Some stumbled back, their eyes wide with terror, their hands fumbling for weapons that would be as effective as toothpicks against a hurricane. Others, their minds consumed by a fanaticism that bordered on madness, let out a primal scream and charged towards us, their skull-topped staves held high. They were lambs to the slaughter, their pathetic attempts at resistance only fueling our amusement.

But our attention was drawn to a new arrival, emerging from the shadows with a predatory grace. A woman, tall and lithe, her every movement radiating a dangerous confidence. Two stiletto daggers, their blades gleaming, were held loosely in each of her hands. My gaze drifted downwards, my stomach churning as I took in the full absurdity of her attire. Her armor, a patchwork of mismatched metal plates, was clearly made from… adventurer tags. Hundreds of them, maybe even thousands, sewn together with a macabre artistry that was both impressive and deeply unsettling.

"That…" I said, my voice a low whistle of disbelief, "is really fucked up, lady. That's like, over a thousand dead adventurers you're wearing. And that smile…" I shook my head, a shiver running down my spine despite the mockery in my voice. "It doesn't make you look pretty. It makes you look like a demented frog with twelve murder fetishes."

Her smile widened, revealing a row of sharp, pointed teeth that seemed a bit too long, a bit too sharp, for a normal human. "Oh, honey," she purred, her voice a husky rasp that sent another shiver down my spine, "you have no idea." She took a step closer, her eyes, that seemed to glow with an inner fire, locked on Asuna. "You're going to look lovely as part of my collection."

My eyes twitched and my mocking frown disappeared, replaced by a scowl of contempt.

"And now you're fucking dead. How does that sound?"

The mocking amusement vanished from my voice, replaced by a chilling calm, a void of emotion that mirrored the emptiness I was about to unleash. I didn't bother with witty retorts, with playful banter. This… thing, this creature that wore the dead as a trophy, had crossed a line.

With a single step, I crossed the distance between us. The air snapped loudly as I stepped forward, the very fabric of reality warping under the weight of my unleashed divinity. My sword, a blur of motion too fast for any person in this reality besides Asuna to fully perceive, arced through the air, a whisper of death that cleaved through flesh, bone, and soul.

The woman, her predatory grin frozen in place, didn't even have time to scream or even notice I had moved. One moment she was there, a grotesque parody of inhumanity trying to be pretty, the next she was nothing. A spray of blood, a burst of crimson mist, then even that vanished, atomized into nothingness by the sheer force of my strike.

A heavy silence descended upon the chamber, broken only by the panicked gasps of the remaining cultists. I turned towards them, my eyes glowing with an icy fire that consumed their terror, their fanaticism, their very existence. They disintegrated, one by one, their forms dissolving into dust, their souls yanked into my storage for later personality erasure.

The floor beneath us buckled, the stone cracking and splitting under the strain of my power. A chasm, a jagged wound in the earth, ripped through the catacombs, extending upwards, outwards, consuming everything in its path. A distant rumble, the sound of collapsing stone and crumbling earth, echoed through the chamber.

"I'm glad to know my husband cares enough to snap at someone who threatens me," Asuna said, her voice full of amusement as she surveyed the carnage I'd wrought and snapped me out of my rage. "But I'm pretty sure we should get out of here before someone comes to find that a large portion of the city wall is missing, along with an eighth of the back side of the catacombs."

I chuckled, the chilling calm receding, replaced by a familiar mask of amusement. "Yeah," I said, my grin returning, "let's not stick around for the cleanup crew. This place is giving me the creeps."

With a thought, I used my control over space and the world around us blurred, reality twisting and folding upon itself as we teleported away, leaving behind a scene of utter devastation and a gaping hole in the city's defenses.

---

We slipped out of the graveyard amidst the chaos, ignoring the shouts of the knights and the panicked cries of the adventurers who were still trying to figure out what the hell had just happened.

A massive chunk of the catacombs was missing, along with a sizable portion of the city wall.

Oops.

"Let's get out of here before they start asking questions," I whispered to Asuna, my voice a low murmur as we casually strolled back towards the Adventurers Guild.

My eyebrow twitched involuntarily when I glanced at the devastation behind us.

I really hoped we weren't going to be held responsible for the damages. Repairing a city wall was not exactly how I'd envisioned spending our vacation.

Back at the guild, we received our payment for the "undead extermination" with a mix of amusement and boredom. The guild staff, their faces still pale with shock, handed over a hefty sack of silver coins with trembling hands.

They seemed terrified of whatever had caused the wall to crumble, which, to be honest, was a bit of a mood killer.

"We have another urgent request," a guild receptionist stammered, her voice barely audible above the din of the guild hall. "The city wall has been breached. We need all available adventurers to assist in the defense."

I turned to leave, my eyebrow twitching again. "Sorry, we have a prior engagement," I lied smoothly. "Maybe next time." I practically dragged Asuna, who was just giving me a raised eyebrow and a smirk, out of the guild hall.

I didn't want to stick around to see the extent of the damage, let alone explain how it had happened.

We ended up at a fancy inn, a lavish establishment that reeked of wealth and privilege. After a quick bath – a luxury I'd sorely missed after days of traveling – we collapsed onto the massive, canopied bed in our room.

a few minutes later, after a series of groans and muttered curses, "This bed sucks!"

"Why didn't we check if this was an actual bed and not a dumpster?!" I agreed

The pillows were hard, lumpy, and smelled vaguely of mildew. I mean, seriously, who in their right mind would sleep on this monstrosity?

"What even is this garbage made of?!" Asuna clearly agreed further.

We both stumbled out of the bed, if you can call it that, and with a grimace I observed it closely.

Asuna then started doing a really in depth investigation.

Needless to say, that investigation had 'Disturbing discoveries.' to be discovered within.

We encased it in a barrier and set it on fire to the point that ashes would become ashes of ashes and then cease to exist.

We took another bath, this time with added disinfection methods via divinity.

"Inventory time," I declared, pulling out a massive, king-sized bed from my spatial storage.

The bed was a marvel of modern technology, a memory foam mattress with adjustable firmness settings, temperature control, and features that would probably make sense to the chad bedding scientist, but certainly not the average bedding sleeper.

Asuna, who had been struggling to get comfortable on the medieval torture device, let out a sigh of relief.

"Thank everything for actual comfortable bedding," she murmured, sinking into the plush embrace of the mattress. "This is the real comfort I need."

"This is life," I let out with a contented sigh.

My last thought before falling asleep was if I should leave this bed here or just some gold.

---

With that, our divinely-powered duo has scored themselves a shiny new Silver Plate! Meanwhile, they left a trail of bewildered adventurers wondering if maybe, just maybe, they accidentally wandered into a tournament arc where rocks fall and everyone dies! But while Kirito and Asuna are enjoying the perks of their ill-gotten bedding, the city of E-Rantel is in full-on panic! They're scrambling to repair a city wall that's looking a bit more like Swiss cheese than a formidable defense, completely oblivious to the fact that their "noble saviors" are the ones who accidentally turned it into a demolition derby practice oopsie!

Meanwhile, your humble narrator is hoping this hurricane doesn't decide to make a guest appearance in the author's living room! Will the truth about the city wall's "mysterious" collapse ever come to light? Will Kirito and Asuna's "vacation" devolve into a full-blown "conquer everything" speedrun? And just how long will it take for those poor, overworked souls at the Adventurer's Guild to realize that they've just handed out a Silver Plate to a pair of literal gods? How long will that guaranteed and torturous power-outage last?!

Find out next time on "The Multiverse Shits Itself: Honeymoon Havoc and Accidental Apocalypse of the 42nd dimension!" Where reality is about as stable as a caffeine-fueled squirrel with a tendency towards enacting serial murder and the only thing more unpredictable than a hurricane is a bored god with a penchant for collateral damage!

 

[Zackman2k12]

Ainz paced his study, the polished obsidian floor reflecting his newly human form. He ran a hand through his hair, a nervous tic he'd developed since his encounter with Kirito and Asuna. The Mockery of Life Homunculus racial class was proving to be more than just a physical transformation.

But his karmic value... It was changing him.

Even with the undead curse's emotional suppression dulled, a chilling truth had settled upon him. The world itself recognized him, his guild, and all his NPC companions as fundamentally evil. It was a stain, a mark upon their very souls, a consequence of their actions in Yggdrasil.

He couldn't feel the disgust he knew he should feel when he thought about Shalltear's gleeful descriptions of torture. He couldn't even muster pity for the victims of Demiurge's twisted schemes. And the worst part? He knew, with a chilling certainty, that he wouldn't hesitate to kill, even an innocent, if they stood in his way.

He stopped pacing, his gaze falling upon two items clutched in his hand. The Mass-Karma Reversal Token (Guildwide) and the Guild Relocation Map Token. Two Choices. Two Difficult choices that he already knew deep down had already been chosen by him in his own subconscious.

The Karma Reversal Token was something he couldn't bring himself to use. It would fundamentally alter the NPCs, rewrite their personalities, erase the essence of his friends' creations. The thought filled him with a deep, unsettling unease. It would be a betrayal, a violation of the trust they had placed in him.

But remaining in this portion of the world, near those terrifying gods, was not an option. He had to protect Nazarick and his guild's legacy, even if it meant running away and pushing any confrontation with them towards the future.

He made his decision. He activated the Guild Relocation Map Token, a relic from a fortune spent in a long-forgotten gacha event in Yggdrasil. A holographic map of the New World shimmered into existence, its surface etched with lines of power, ley lines, and magical nodes. He scanned the map, his gaze settling on a remote mountain range near the Slane Theocracy.

With a deep breath, he focused his will, channeling his magic into the token. The air crackled with energy, the room around him blurring as the spell took hold. And then, with a jolt that shook the very foundations of Nazarick, they were gone.

The Great Tomb of Nazarick, a monument to his guild's past, vanished from its original location, reappearing in a location in the slane theocracy that was far enough from the Kingdom of Re-estize, and therefore far enough to avoid those two monstrous beings.

It was a desperate attempt to escape the consequences of his own existence, but what else could he do?

---

"Hey, Asuna," I called out, my voice echoing across the bustling village square. "You think that asshat whose fief the king reassigned to us will actually try anything? I mean, his family, of course. That guy is probably screaming for his mommy in the king's dungeons by now."

I idly watched a group of children chasing a stray dog through the newly paved streets. Carne Village, once a dusty, rundown collection of ramshackle huts, was now a model of efficiency and order. Cobblestone streets, neat rows of well-maintained houses, a centralized water system, and even a rudimentary sewage system – all thanks to a few days of work from my robot army and Asuna's meticulous planning.

It was almost too easy. This world, with its primitive technology and its easily manipulated populace, was like a blank canvas, just waiting for us to paint our masterpiece of world domination upon it.

But a nagging thought kept intruding on my self-satisfied musings. If all our minds were linked, did being a clone even matter? Sure, we effectively had an extra life for each clone, but beyond that… I shook my head, dismissing the philosophical quandary. Overthinking things was a surefire way to ruin a perfectly good vacation.

Asuna, who was overseeing the unloading of a wagon filled with supplies – mostly luxury items we'd requisitioned from the royal palace – shrugged nonchalantly. "I mean, it would be really stupid if they did," she replied, her voice laced with a bored amusement. "The likelihood they have any resources after the king seized them all is pretty unlikely. As– OI! Don't drop the barrel of celes– good wine. The VERY good wine! Get your back into it!"

I watched as Asuna, her usual playful demeanor replaced by a flash of genuine anger, berated a hapless worker who had nearly dropped a barrel of wine. Not just any wine, mind you. This was apparently Celestial Wine, it has capitalization apparently. A vintage so rare and valuable that it was said to have been aged for centuries in the cellars of the best winemaking gods. Yui had sent it over from the actual empire, as a little "care package" for her favorite parents.

I couldn't help but chuckle. That worker was lucky Asuna hadn't turned him into a fine red mist. Dropping that barrel would have been a capital offense, punishable by- well, let's just say it wouldn't have been pretty.

"Easy there, honey," I said, my voice laced with amusement. "It's just wine. Well, really good wine, but still."

Asuna turned towards me, her expression softening slightly, even if it still looked like she wanted to tear someone's face off. "You know how much I love good wine, Kirito," she said, her voice a low, terrifying, murmur. "And this stuff… it's practically a national treasure. Dropping it would be a crime against humanity."

I laughed, shaking my head. Asuna would definitely turn the idea of a dropped barrel of this kind of wine into a disaster-massacre.

---

Sunlight streamed through the gauzy curtains, painting the room in a warm, golden glow. I stretched, my muscles protesting the unaccustomed softness of the bed. Beside me, Asuna yawned, her hair a tangled mess of auburn silk. We both sat up, our gazes drawn to the charred patch on the floor where the original, medieval-era excuse for a bed had once stood.

"Well," I said, a wry grin spreading across my face, "that's one way to get rid of a fire hazard."

Asuna snorted, running a hand through her hair. "I still can't believe how uncomfortable and disgusting that thing was. It's like that bed was designed to inflict pain. But yeah, I kind of forgot we did that."

We decided to leave the king-sized bed in the room. After all, we could conjure up a new one anytime, anywhere. With a flick of my wrist, I erased the burn mark, restoring the floor to its pristine condition. No need to leave a trace of our divine intervention.

We checked out of the inn, leaving a generous tip – a small fortune in this world's currency – for the bewildered staff. As we strolled through the bustling streets of E-Rantel, the aroma of freshly baked bread and roasted meats filled the air. It was a pleasant change from the usual stench of sweat and grime that permeated most medieval cities.

We were heading towards the Adventurers Guild, ready to peruse the quest board and see what kind of "challenges" this world had to offer, when a burst of laughter caught our attention. A group of men, their attire suggesting a less-than-savory profession, were huddled in a nearby alleyway, their voices laced with a crude amusement.

"—Heard they got a whole shipment of beauties this time," one of them chuckled, his voice a gravelly rasp. "Fresh from the Empire, they say. Those Eight Fingers bastards know how to pick 'em."

"Yeah," another man chimed in, his voice a greasy snicker. "Heard they got a real looker this time. A noblewoman, they say. Gonna fetch a pretty penny on the market."

Asuna froze, her body stiffening, her eyes narrowing into slits. A wave of cold fury, so intense it made the air crackle around her, emanated from her. I knew that look. It was the look of a predator about to unleash its wrath.

Before I could even react, Asuna was gone. A blur of motion, a flicker of silver, and she was standing in the middle of the group, her rapier pointed at the throat of the first man. The men, their laughter dying in their throats, stared at her with wide, terrified eyes.

"Tell me everything you know about this 'shipment,'" Asuna demanded, her voice a low, menacing growl. "And I mean everything."

She didn't wait for an answer. She plunged her hand into the man's skull, her fingers glowing with an ethereal light. I watched, a mixture of fascination and horror, as she ripped the information from his mind, his screams echoing through the alleyway. She repeated the process with the other men, their minds violated, their memories laid bare.

"I'm gonna kill the Cocco Doll motherfucker," Asuna growled, her voice shaking with rage. "Then this world will learn why they call me Slaver-Killer McSexypants."

I sighed, shaking my head. "Yes, the nickname I gave you when we killed that Beloukas fellow," I said, my voice laced with a dry amusement. "People totally call you that, and not just me."

"Not now, Kirito," Asuna snapped, her attention already focused on a nearby building. She'd identified the location of the slave hideout, a hidden chamber beneath a seemingly innocuous warehouse.

"So, you know you could have just yanked the information out psychically," I said, my voice laced with a hint of amusement as I effortlessly kept pace with Asuna. She was practically flying now, leaping from rooftop to rooftop, her movements a blur of motion. "Shoving your hand into their actual brain matter wasn't strictly necessary."

"Don't care," Asuna shot back, her voice a cold, hard edge. "Slaver murdering time."

She launched herself into the air, soaring towards a dilapidated warehouse at the edge of the city. The building, its windows boarded up, its walls crumbling, looked like it hadn't seen a lick of paint in decades. It was the perfect place for a clandestine operation, a hidden den of iniquity.

"Right. Totally," I agreed, my grin widening. "I know these murder-rampages are important to you."

Asuna paused mid-air, her eyes narrowing dangerously. "Kirito, stop messing around," she growled, her voice laced with a warning. "We have injustices to un-justify. With death."

And with that, she manipulated gravity, her divine power warping the very fabric of reality. She rocketed downwards, a crimson blur aimed directly at the trapdoor that led to the slave brothel. The impact was devastating. The trapdoor shattered, the stone beneath it crumbling into dust. The street itself buckled and caved in, a gaping chasm marking the spot where Asuna had descended.

I watched the scene unfold, a mix of admiration and apprehension swirling within me. Asuna's fury was a force of nature, a righteous storm that would consume everything in its path. And those slavers… well, they were about to learn a very harsh lesson.

This was going to be messy.

Actually,

"MY LEG!!!"
"OH MY GOD, YOU KILLED GHGHGGHGHH—"
"WE HAVE ALL ERRORED GREATLY!"

It already was.