The silly story of politically dogmatic Diablo II Amazons and their misadventures, reported by the patient chronicler and player. Diablo II nerdery mixed with political satire, ceaseless bickering, blossoming romance and general weirdness.
Written in dialogue form with some edited screenshots here and there as illustrations.
The silly story of two politically dogmatic Diablo II Amazons and their misadventures, reported by the patient chronicler and player. We will follow the progress of Rödluvan (Swedish for Little Red Riding Hood) and Snövit (Swedish for Snow White) as they try to battle their way through the evil minions of stepmothers, charming wolves and the Prime Evils. Diablo II nerdery mixed with political satire, ceaseless bickering, blossoming romance and general weirdness.
Written in dialogue form with some edited screenshots here and there as illustrations.
Once upon a time on 8 October 2011 two annoying would-be heroes stepped out on the Blood Moor...
Maltatai: Welcome to the first episode of the tale of two bow-using amazons. We will follow the progress of Rödluvan (Swedish for Little Red Riding Hood) and Snövit (Swedish for Snow White) as they try to battle their way through the evil minions of stepmothers, charming wolves and the prime evils. In this primitive game dots do not exist so just pretend that the crosses inside the Diablo o:s are made up of imprisoned dots that would like to get out and return to their proper place above the letter. Stay tuned for regular updates or completely random lack of those, depending on how much time I have for the characters.
Let's move on to the plan for each character. I will try to keep their progress more or less even and not have any rush too far ahead of the other.
Snövit: Now that's motivating... What's the point of expanding my enterprise to new levels if the progress is held down by that kind of command economy? Now I will never be able to get ahead of Rödluvan.
Maltatai: As you hear, Snövit is ideologically as blue as the frost arrows she will soon specialize in. Rödluvan is more of the red type.
Rödluvan: And I must protest against how the progress of the archer community is held down by this inappropriate linking with the evil marketing forces! Think what monumental gains we could otherwise have gained in our social solidarity if left unchecked!
Maltatai: That said, why don't you present yourself and the progress you have made so far?
Rödluvan: I started first (HA! Owned, Snövit!). My plan is as follows:
20 Inner Sight
20 Exploding Arrow
20 Fire Arrow
20 Decoy
1 in all other passive and magic skills
1 Strafe
Spare points into Critical Strike
So, I will spread the warm, red and social exploding arrows across the land. Hopefully the decoy and very strong 1-point valkyrie will keep me safe so I won't need to rely on slow missiles. That way, inner sight should turn most enemies into easy target practise. If I can acquire good enough items, it may even be enough to allow me to use strafe to trigger some interesting processes. I am especially eager to find some open wounds gear since it is red and suits my theme. Crushing blow will also do fine, as well as life leech. And of course knockback. I plan on going through the game in a quilted armour to look as red as possible.
Currently I am on level 12 and have cleared the cold plains and got myself a rogue scout. Her name is Floria and she is rather cold. We use hunter's bows with rubies and sapphires. Naturally I put the rubies first to get a red bow. I have found a ring and amulet of greed but the returns are meagre so far.
I have the following skills:
Magic Arrow: 1/1
Fire Arrow: 8/8
Multiple Shot: 1/1
Critical Strike: 1/1
Exploding Arrow: 1/1
The feeling of seeing those explosions start at level 12...wonderful! What fireworks! A shame that the costs are so high. The community budget is not exactly balanced, but then, these are hard times for most states and I suppose the Rogue Camp is feeling the effects of the current economic crisis. I have had to support my economy on numerous occasions (buying, drinking and storing mana potions) but I am sure we will endure and one day rise to a self-sufficient community.
Plans for the near future: Beat Snövit in all ways possible. Try to acquire a Tal and Eth rune. I have already stored a socketed quilted armour to make "Stealth" in. Find more runes for a new bow. Find some boots that will me run faster. I am unsure whether to pump exploding arrow or inner sight the coming levels.
Snövit: Ha! As you hear, the silly community spirit of Rödluvan will not prevail. Individualistic freedom is the way to go! Already she is having trouble balancing her budget. I, on the other hand, am close to reducing my expenses to near nothing. But let me start properly;
Being Snövit, I will of course specialize in skills that are snowy and white, namely:
20 Magic Arrow
20 Guided Arrow
20 Cold Arrow
20 Freezing Arrow
1 point in all passive and magic skills
Spare points into critical strike I think
Freezing arrow will be the main attack against crowds. The freezing should provide ample safety against most enemies, as long as I fire continuously. I don't think it's worth the investment to max Ice Arrow just for the freeze length (well, at least it's more fun to have more skill diversity). The lack of a strong decoy or valkyrie will be a challenge but I hope to be able to use guided arrow to take down most cold immunes from some safe spot behind a corner or something. To suit the theme I will be looking for things that slow the target, blue or white armour and "hit freezes target" items if they seem viable. Shatter and bow before the mighty Snövit!
So far I am at level 12. I have also cleared the cold plains and have a rogue scout named Blaise (should be Blaze for she is pretty warm). I have gotten almost complete control over the magic arrow market and can buy almost at any prize I want. Soon, very soon, I will have a monopoly and endless free arrows. Muahahahaha! This early in the game the fixed damage bonus of Magic Arrow is particularly notable. I have the following skill:
Magic Arrow: 12/12
I and Blaise wield socketed hunter's bows with rubies and sapphires (sapphire first for me of course) and I have two rings of greed and an amulet of regeneration to keep the daily small life expenses down. I was very lucky when I gambled and the first pair of gloves I got was some very stylish blue ones with cold resist and a chance to cast frost nova when struck. I am sure Rödluvan doesn't have anything near those.
Future plans: Gain runes to make Stealth armour and a good bow, unless I find a white or blue suit of armour.
Maltatai: Thank you. One thing that strikes me is that you both have greedy jewellery. It's nice to see that you agree on at least some points.
Rödluvan: Certainly not! Snövit's greed is filthy market schemes to rob the people and exploiting the workers. MY greed represents the taxes gathered for the greater good of everyone, distributed by the communal society.
Maltatai: So, when brutally slaughtering demons you are...collecting taxes?
Rödluvan: Exactly.
Snövit: Just listen to the filthy hypocrite! Did anyone ask whether those demons wanted to pay taxes in the first place? No! Rödluvan represents a brutal oppression of enemies whereas I give the demons the freedom of choice. I shout "Experience and loot or your Life" to every foe I see before engaging them.
Maltatai: Really?
Snövit: Ok, maybe not exactly but I point my bow at them in a threatening manner. Universal sign of "hand over your belongings or get attacked".
Maltatai: And how is a monster supposed to be able to give you experience without being killed?
Snövit: That's the monsters problem. I have at least given them a choice, after that it's up to the other part to pick whatever option he or she likes.
Maltatai: I see. Well, this will be all for this time. I don't think the prime evils stand much chance against such relentless capitalism or disregarding socialism. They have already made me feel a bit sick and this is just the first episode. I have to take a break until the next one. Over and out.
Maltatai: We're back, with encouraging news for all imprisoned old men in the world! Their numbers have diminished lately, going from a total of 1 to 0 with the rescue of Deckard Cain. Apparently the tired old lady Akara suddenly learned that Cain was in danger and should be searched for. Why she hadn't come up with the idea earlier remains unknown.
Snövit: It is not unknown, it's all completely obvious. Rescuing him in sensible time would ruin the dramatic effect. For the same reason, the demons and undead of Tristram could not be allowed to behave normally and just slaughter and eat Cain instead of imprisoning him. But maybe he tastes bad and they put him in the cage to keep him away from the other food.
Maltatai: Right, but I wonder how this fits in with the fact that no matter how long you dawdle or how fast you hurry, Cain seems to be in the same state of health and boredom. Perhaps his metabolic functions and ageing has slowed down to nothing due to their paralysing boredom? How was the journey to Tristram?
Snövit: Excellent, because this time I started first. At level 13 I acquired the magical and magnificent free and endless magic arrows. What a feeling...endless arrow spamming. I found a great deal of blue little demons in a stony field that I most reluctantly shot down despite their beautiful colour. Sadly, I could not find any demon hide to make a blue suit of armour of. What a shame. I especially liked the boss Rakanishu, the one that all other carvers idolize to the point that they use his name as a battle cry.
To get to this strange tree I was apparently supposed to find I had to crawl through a murky tunnel. Luckily my arrows are shining and could be used to illuminate the path ahead. I had no real difficulties with anyone here and even took the time to loot the second level of the passage. Sometime I also managed to gamble a pair of boots that increased speed, but only to a minor extent. I've been doing a lot of running so my vitality has increased.
The tree in question was guarded by some large ape-like creatures that made me think of the man-bear-pig of South Park. Maybe they are related. The dark wood does not qualify for being a wood because it is just a plain open ground with some trees scattered on it. It should be called the dark park or something. But why complain (except to fill out the story) - it makes excellent archery ground. Luckily I had gotten the waypoint in this park-wood so I wouldn't have to crawl through the tunnel again.
Maltatai: At least not in this difficulty...
Snövit: What is that supposed to mean?
Maltatai: Ahh, nothing. Please continue.
Snövit: Right, so I had gotten the waypoint and travelled back to the Rogue camp. I must say i prefer this way of travelling. Why can't those waypoints be activated from the start? It would be much more convenient.
Maltatai: I think it is part of the Rogue energy-conservation policy, to reduce expenses. Waypoints are put offline until someone activates them.
Snövit: Aha. Then it is all in order. Akara interpreted the scroll to be a list of which of the Cairn Stones should be touched first in order to open a secret portal to Tristram. I’m sure it is very secret and not at all attracting attention, hidden as it is in the middle of a stone monument in an otherwise empty plain. When I was about to go back I noticed to my embarrassment that I had forgotten to activate the Stony Field waypoint so I had to go back from the Cold Plains.
Rödluvan: What a nOOb! Loser! Ahahahahaha!
Snövit: I could do without maniacal laughter from you in the future. The town of Tristram wasn't much of a talking point except for the annoying blacksmith. He kept approaching me trying to sell the outdated items from Diablo I!
Maltatai: You don't think he was trying to attack you?
Snövit: Nah, why would he move so slowly in that case? Even zombies are faster than that. He must have been trying to sell me something. I offered him payment in the form of my finest magic arrows (I have after all complete control of that market) and after many barrages of bartering Griswold was so overwhelmed with my generosity that he fainted and dropped some useless loot.
Maltatai: You mean you shot him until he fell to the ground, destroyed, a process that would be called dying had he not been undead?
Snövit: Whatever. I didn't stop to check. Cain was easily let out of his cage. It's a miracle he couldn't do that on his own. I mean, he can even conjure up town portals out of nothing. How he was unable to escape by himself beats me. Akara gave me a ring and Cain offered me a lifetime discount should I hire his identification firm at any time in the near future. After my heroic escapades I have reached level 15 and have a point in Inner Sight and Slow Missiles. The latter of them should prove useful in the future. Blaise has reached level 13.
Maltatai: I hear you also found some old book.
Snövit. Yes. It is some sort of fairy tale about a countess that is buried alive. Apparently it's supposed to make everyone eager to travel to a ruined tower somewhere. Such stupid fan behaviour. I'm sure it's just a scheme from a Black Marsh tourism department to attract more travellers. Personally I would recommend them to start with changing the name to something more welcoming, like the Sunny Marshes or something.
Maltatai. There may be runes there...
Snövit: RUNES?! WHERE?! WHERE?! WHERE?!
Maltatai: Patience is a virtue, at least until next chapter. Now let's hear the story of Rödluvan.
Rödluvan: Not a line too early, I say! I, the competent one, did of course not forget any stony waypoint.
Snövit: Yeah, just gloat about it, you moron.
Rödluvan: The journey through the tunnels and the Dark Wood was much quicker for me since my fine explosive arrows seem to carry the fire damage from the rubies in m bow. I can't wait to get my hands on some Ral runes... However it also costs more mana. My travels are a bit like first class ones - expensive but faster and better - while the greedy and miserly Snövit won't spare a penny to afford more than her silly magic arrows. I was happy to dispose of the ugly blue carvers who I suspect are evil telephone salesmen in disguise or some other capitalist scum.
With 30:ish mana I can afford six flaming arrows until I have to drink so they must be used sparingly. I tried to herd enemies together as much as possible but they like to spread out.
They probably do that just to annoy me. I have found a few nice topazes but, alas, they don't suit my theme. But maybe my mercenary can use them in the future.
Having to use normal attack most of the time has been rather embarrassing with that hag looking over my artificial shoulder for opportunities to taunt me. She would qualify as a barbarian the way she behaves!
Maltatai: But you haven't exactly been the incarnation of politeness either.
Rödluvan: Petty details, petty details. The important thing is that the poor Cain was rescued from his sorry state of solitude, locked away from the community and kept out of society. What horrible fate!
Snövit: Not at all. The appalling thing with Cains imprisonment is the oppression of his individual freedom. To restrict ones unhindered movement like that â€" terrible! Surely the loss of freedom was the worst to bear!
Rödluvan: Unthinkable! It must have been to be cut off from the rest of our community.
Maltatai: You don't think it could have been both? Anyway, if this is so important to you, why don't you just ask Mr. Deckard Cain about the matter?
Rödluvan: What do you mean? That would be like...like...like listening to what the people actually want. Totally out of the question!
Snövit: Or like producing good quality products that your customers would actually require. Completely unthinkable!
Maltatai: Here we go again... I can't stand them sometimes. Over and out.
Snövit: Yahooo! Yahiii! It's meee! I have at last broken free of Maltatai's evil control and foul enterprise-restricting double-character-playing idea. Now it is I who am running things here, and I am running them fast and efficient! I have already run the countess once. Guess what I got? A Ral rune! Screw YOU, Rödluvan! I got a Ral rune, I got a Ral rune! I bet the countess will be out of those when you get there. Carried exploding fire damage, goodbye...hahaha!
The magic free arrows made short work of all enemies in the Black Marsh, and I must say it was especially satisfying to shoot those red Blood Clan goat men in the tower. The red blood hawks or whatever they are called were also good targets, but the returned are kinda irritating because they block arrows like if they were silly knights in shining armor with crosses on their shields. You know who I'm talking about "wink".
I'm currently wearing this VERY thematically themed suit of hard leather armor with two white chipped skulls in it. One could expect the armor to become white from that, but it turned black! Even blacker than the standard amazon middle-armor black. Where is the logic in this game... Another disappointment is that contrary to what the name implies, hard leather armor does not turn you into a hard rocker. So the soundtrack is still the plain old outdoor act one stuff. Boo!
Almost all the time I was out, it was black night. I left camp at maybe five in the afternoon and stayed out until dawn. Since I spent most of the time in the hole and the forgotten tower you could say that I was out all night at two infamous underground nightclubs. But I still don't think Kashya should go, like, mad, like that. Blaise says she's the same to all the rogues but I am actually bigger than them! I was at least 16 levels old and I think it's very discriminating of those demons to have a level 18 age limit in their clubs. But I crashed into their dark dungeons anyway and crashed their party too while I was at it.
It is a bit tiresome, though, I must say. All those places are so dark that you have to fire arrows madly to see anything and cast slow missiles just to illuminate it all. After taking all those shots at the foes I was a bit dizzy, but dizziness is after all to be expected after so many shots at a nightclub. Blaise was also tired, I think more so than me. She is after all just 15 levels old so I guess it's natural. She behaves well overall (mainly because I kill almost all foes before she can get herself into trouble by running up next to them and other rogue-ish misbehaviour). Blaise said it was especially exhausting when she had to take down big monsters herself without my help, but hey, I can't be everywhere at once!
When we came back to camp during the morning Blaise was almost sleeping in my arms. Luckily I have found an amulet of regeneration (+5) so we will soon be rested and fresh again. You should have seen Kashyas face when she saw us! Unholy cows, that woman can be really noisy sometimes. Standing with her arms crossed as always, she went on and on about
And that was just the beginning. When Blaise mumbled something about how tired she was from taking all "the killa' shots" (rogue slang for finishing a monster all by herself – taking the "killer shot") I thought Kashya would explode. She seemed to think Blaise had talked about something called Tequila shots instead, whatever that is. Maybe it's some sort of new arrow? I've got to ask Blaise tomorrow.
I can't imagine how the rogues can put up with Kashya. She's really over-protective of the rogues. Maybe it has something to do with them being so strangely small (much smaller than in Diablo I it is said). Perhaps THAT is the strange curse Andariel has cast on them that Akara and Kashya has mentioned – shrinking them all. But that is still no excuse for her to be like that. She's like the annoying mother or stepmother of the camp and the tiny rogues are like the seven dwarfs.
Maltatai: Then all is in order, isn't it, considering yours and Rödluvan's names?
Snövit: Yaaawn... Maybe. Will write more tomorrow. Unless the quest against the prime evils is hanging too heavy over me in which case I will have to go out and adventure instead.
Maltatai: Yes, these quest "hangovers" can be quite a nuisance after a full night of shots at parties of demons.
Snövit: No kidding, wise guy...zzz...
Maltatai: Sweet dreams. While you take your well-deserved (?) break I might go and play with Rödluvan.
Snövit: Zzz...noo...zzz....must not fall asleep...zzz
Maltatai: "whisper" Over and out.
Chapter 4: Concerning Monasteries, Smiths and Pits
Chapter 4: Concerning Monasteries, Smiths and Pits
Maltatai: After some time off it seems Snövit has recovered and is ready to put Blaise in new kinds of trouble. This time they are...
Snövit: Now, knock it OFF! Blaise has never been in serious danger and I would also like to point out that she followed me totally freely.
Maltatai: Of course. A hireling in a linear role playing game has all the power in the world to leave whenever she wishes... By the way, I hear Blaise's health bar dropped down to yellow this time and you had to manically town portal her to safety.
Snövit: Rubbish! I was in complete control all the time. It was an advanced plan to weaken and disrupt a bosspack of goatmen. Everything was a calculated risk.
Maltatai: I see. Was the risk calculated before or after the encounter?
Snövit: Why don't you let me tell the chapter from the start instead of these lame attempts at sarcastic humour?
When I woke up I found Kashya and Akara waiting to speak with me. They wanted to send Blaise to some prim, boring, restrictive religious school to learn not to hang out with amazons with bad reputations. No personal offense intended of course. I did of course not take it personally, I mean, how could I? This camp must be swarming with amazons. The fact that I have never seen anyone else doesn't mean that there might be dozens hiding behind Gheeds wagon. Those old harpies! The trouble with the rogue leadership is that they are just jealous because we are better archers! They thought that I should go too to this religious stuff. Ah, whatever. I decided I could check it out. I had nothing better to do at the moment.
Crossing the Tamoe Highland I was impressed with the fashionable blue colour of the corrupted rogues here. Something strikes me. The Sisterhood of the Sightless Eye (what a name for a group of archers) was never that popular but the number of corrupted rogues seems literally endless. Could it be that Andariel is better at marketing her competing sisterhhod? Could it be the diversity of uniforms and weapons available? I also found a rogue chieftain with a very nice aura. It was all blue and radiated icy cold and chilled and slowed everyone around. I want aura! I want aura!
I also visited the famous pit. It was filled with bone warriors and more corrupted rogues. I have heard that the pit is great for finding valuable and powerful items but I didn't see any of those.
Maltatai: That's a bit of an overstatement. The pit, hrrm, needs to mature for a time. Like a bottle of wine. Then it can be raided for high level items.
Snövit: Another thing is that I would have expected a scary vampire boss or similar in the lower levels. I was greatly disappointed.
Maltatai: Why on earth would you expect that?
Snövit: Because of the name, of course. The Pit.
Maltatai: The Pit, not the Pitt! Pit as in hole, abyss, underground area, not Ingrid (may she rise from the dead to sink her teeth in more horror movies). While the game is filled with a number of hammer horrors (one is soon to appear) she does not appear I'm afraid.
Snövit: Booooo!
Maltatai: Which is just as well, I might add. Only a completely overbearingly chivalrous, despicably holier-than-thou and nauseatingly boring snob (also known as Paladin) could stand any chance of destroying her. If Mircalla/Carmilla/Marcilla Karnstein appeared in the game she would wield superpowers that controlled the mind of all female characters in no time.
Snövit: At not-so-long last we stood before that stupid girl school. I was appalled! This is not a school, it's a freaking monastery!
Those silly harpies will turn Blaise into a nun! Over my dead Saturday nights! Raagh!
I stormed the place to find it...totally empty. It was very strange and suspicious. I even activated a waypoint in the courtyard but still no sign of anyone. Well, these places are boring, but this was getting ridiculous. Finally we found some devilkin receptionists in the monastery barracks. They explained that the business had been taken over by Andariel.
Maltatai: You mean they started to attack you and shoot fireballs at you?
Snövit: Yes, like I said. Aren't you paying attention? I was very happy that Blaise would be unable to attend any classes here, except for Advanced Archery Grade 4. In the deepest recesses of the barracks I found a most hideous character. It was truly a hammer horror. He spoke with a loud voice that is one of the most frightening things to experience when you are new to Diablo II. Mr Smith!
Maltatai: It's actually "The Smith".
Snövit: Are you sure?
Maltatai: Yes. So you called him Mr Smith. How did he take it?
Snövit: Pretty angrily. He seemed to think it was insulting to be called Mr Smith. I don't know why, it is a very common name in many English-speaking countries.
Maltatai: I think he was referring to the movie called Mr and Mrs Smith - utter crap that has spawned from the dark side of film industry. Actually, it includes the dark side of acting Pitts too. Wait a little, the Smith is of course Mr Smith. Who is Mrs Smith? Oh, it must be Andariel, hahaha! Or maybe Blood Raven?
Snövit: I'm sure the readers are very interested in your personal preferences of film that you so subtly (NOT!) hide in shallow jokes... We explored the monastery barracks and came upon the next shock.
First a monastery school and now this! What has Blaise done to deserve this? Going to jail! For what?!
Blaise: Maybe they want to throw you into jail?
Snövit: What!?
Maltatai: Or maybe it's just a dungeon with a jail theme leading to the end of the act which you have to use in this one-way linear game.
Snövit: A jail that is bigger than the monastery itself. Either your sisterhood has an entire different aim than I thought or some demons have been very busy building this.
Maltatai: Why don't you ask Blaise?
Blaise: I've never been down there. Until now, that is.
Snövit: That place was creepy. I found a waypoint and then took a long break. When I returned to the camp I had a VERY productive chat with Kashya and Akara and told them of my opinions of certain aspects of Rogue leadership. I also mentioned one or two anecdotes regarding target practise and Amazon customs and they have now agreed to leave Blaise and me alone to pursue our own interests.
In this jail we encountered the most disgusting and ugly of all super-uniques. I am of course talking about Pitspawn Fouldog! By this time I had gained a level and learned to shoot a simple cold arrow. While not so effective, it is my first snowy skill so I am at last both snowy and white. I tried it out for the first time on no other than Pitspawn Fouldog himself, who is cold enchanted and thus must have been extraordinarily humiliated by being chilled by my arrows.
Maltatai: Any good finds?
Snövit: No, but I got some topazes that may be useful later and charms of lightning and poison damage (note to self: remove before eating, otherwise fork becomes electrical and food tastes disgusting). Over and out.
Maltatai: I am supposed to say that!
Snövit: But I beat you to it. Haha! And now this episode is officially over so you can't say it until the next one!
Maltatai: Where I am sure Rödluvan will be delighted to play the title role.
