The Jackasses (SI/YouTubers)

[Ultimate]

Think of the worst people you ever met. Good, now we-

Wait…That's it? Those are the worst people you've ever met? That's it?

Huh, that's not enough. We need someone worse. Think of the real worst people you've ever met, people horrendous, people whose morality makes you question your faith in humanity. People treat you so badly that you went insane from the pain they gave you. People that-

Really? You're thinking the truth?

Damn, ok let's take it a step further than that. Let's try this again.

Think of the worst characters you know.

Not in terms of writing but, in terms of morality. They can be the best-written characters ever as long as they're evil as all hell.

Thought it? Perfect.

Yes, that's what I wanted. Now you know the characters' depravity. Hopefully, you understand them. Because, now maybe you'll understand how bad these four, wait, excuse me, three men are.

These are the worst people alive. These are the most evil beings on the Planet.

These are the men who just wanted to be loved and never were.

This is a story about The Jackasses.

 

[Ultimate]

Their rooms were fucking messes.

Well, nearly all of their rooms were.

Raphael's room was a complete mess, filled with pizza boxes, soda cans, food containers, dirty books, and snot rags. It was a fucking mess, like a goddamn 4chan bedroom. There were even drawings on the wall with markers and crayons. Like, for real. It was supposedly 'designing the room', if designing the room was done by a five-year-old. The only thing that was clean was a display of knives above his couch. Several displays of knives were above. Displaying chef's knives, butcher's knives, and knives specifically made for killing people.

Kyle's room was just as messy, in a different way. Things were disorganized, all over the place, and nothing was where it should be. But it was exactly where he wanted it to be. Clothes by the door, drinks next to trash, light next to the bed. But still riddled with crumbs and stains everywhere. He had a book with detailed descriptions of everyone he hates. And a revolver under his pillow.

Alex's room was the cleanest. Not a speck of dirt was out of place, or even in place. The bed was freshly made. The walls were dusted, and the floor was vacuumed. Everyone was as clean as it could be. As if a germaphobe lived there. The door had, like, twenty locks on it. There was a picture of himself on his desk. The games, mostly horror, in his room were arranged by color. And there were condoms pinned to the wall, a punching bag, and a dartboard made for him, and only him.

Damian's room had a bed that was made, and his floor was clean of dirt and crumbs. But his desk was disorganized and disheveled. Not as messy as Raphael's and Kyle's. His walls had pictures of family and friends. Some of them are framed. Damian also had a big book on the foot of his bed. One he wrote himself.

These are The Jackasses. These are the monsters we'll be focusing on. These are the idiots we'll be following.

And yes, it'll hurt.

Right now, they are discussing what they'll play next for their YouTube channels. You see, Raphael suggested they do a crossover a month ago. Something very beneficial to their channels. As it led to millions of views and hundred of thousands of subscribers. It was also something detrimental, as they give each other more hate than YouTube commentator gives female mary sues in Two-thousand and sixteen.
Because of that, these discussions never go anywhere. But this one ends with the worst decision of all time. One that shaped the future of our world.

And it's fitting that the decision that'll cause these idiots to end the world starts with a pun about suicide.

"What should we play?" Raphael played with a butterfly knife.

"For YouTube?" Damian scratched his head.

"No, for my dead grandmother, yes for YouTube!"

They were talking on voice chat. They always get together once a week or once every two weeks to discuss what game to play. This time was no different. Except, in consequences.

Kyle rolled his eyes. "You know what we should do, we should play Oversuicidewatch because-"

Damian giggled.

"Shut up, if I have to do one more video of this shit, I'm putting a revolver in my mouth."

"Except we're more successful together," Alex grabbed his groin. "You kill yourself, and I'll be very unhappy,"

Kyle blinked. "Did you just threaten to kill me beyond death?"

"No...wait...I guess I did?"

Kyle facepalmed. "My god, you're an idiot. You realize that's impossible, right?"

"Nothing is impossible," Damian said.

"Yes, maybe one of us will become president of the world," Kyle said.

Damian shrugged. "Anyway, what game should we play?"

Alex snapped his fingers, "Zombie game."

Kyle rubbed his forehead. "One of those new simulation games."

"Mario," Raphael said.

"Mario, why Mario?" Kyle asked.

"Because it involves teamwork," Raphael said. "it'll be perfect for a team like us to play."

"Except we're a terrible, horrible, no-good, very bad team, so it's really not."

"As much as I want to agree just to save me the trouble of buying a twelfth controller, that's exactly why we should play it."

"A zombie game is for the best," Alex rubbed his chin. "Like Left 4 Dead 2, which does involve teamwork, so it's objectively the best choice."

"But Mario is innocent and cheerful," Raphael said, slightly irritated. "So it'll be funnier when we start cursing each other out over it"

"Or that we'll get a lawsuit from Coppa," Kyle huffed. "Listen, everyone plays those new hyper-realistic simulation games. Ever since that Ima guy and his three other brothers showed up and started inventing things, technology became the new 'it' thing. So we need to do videos about at least one piece of tech and considering we're a let's play channel..." he trailed off. Allowing the three to logically connect the dots.

Raphael put his hand under his chin. "I don't watch the news, so I wouldn't know what you're talking about."

"This is the problem with teenagers. They don't pay attention to the world at large."

"Piss off."

Damian nearly gasped. Before they could fight, he quickly said, "Do you even watch the news, Kyle?"

"I…watched enough," Kyle sneered. "Fuck off." Damian knew he wasn't serious.

"He's right, Raph. You're interested in science! You should know!" Alex said. "But basically, a couple of years ago, a guy named Ima and his three brothers came into the science business and started advancing the field practically every month."

"And they made a hyper-realistic simulation?"

"No, they made a G.I. that made ANOTHER intelligent G.I. when asked to make a hyperrealistic simulation."

"Because as the G.I. says. 'It was the only way'." Damian spoke.

"Well, I did know about the human-like AI. I didn't know what they created." Raphael explained.

"Which is why we should play it for our let's play channel!" Kyle said. "Everyone and their grandmothers are playing these hypersimulations! We should do the same."

"Yeah, but everyone's doing videos of them. We should at least wait until they die down," Alex argued.

"What about-

"But everyone requesting them now so we should play them now." Kyle interrupted

"What about-"

"I'm with Alex." Raphael interrupted. "There's no way we'd end up in recommended with everyone doing videos on it."

"That's exactly HOW we'll end up recommended." Kyle shot back

"We should fucking play Mario!"

"Zombie game!"

"Simulation!"

"WHAT ABOUT," Damian projected, stopping the argument. "A zombie simulation game?"

Everyone stopped talking for a sec.

Kyle shook his head. "There's no way we would survive in a HYPER-REALISTIC simulation with zombies! Do you think when bullets start flying, when zombies start chasing us, when we look for food, we'll do a good job? We'd die! "

"But it's fake," Damian replied, "so we don't have to worry about being in real danger, even if it hurts."

"To be honest," Raphael said, "no one else is doing a video on a zombie simulation, so if we were to do that, we would get attention."

"That's true," Alex agreed. "And I would do a better job than most because…it's me! I'd shove pencils up their asses! But pain, that's basically a non-factor. It's a good idea."

Kyle sighed. "If you think that, it's probably not. Even if we can find one, do you really think we wouldn't die in 2 nanoseconds, and it'll skyrocket our channel to popularity?"

Alex spoke, "Even if it watched out of morbid curiosity, it'll be watched. That's all that matters"

"So it's decided?" Raph said.

"Yep," Alex replied.

Kyle facepalmed. "Yeah…I guess so."

"Then I guess it's decided," Damian said. "We're going to play a zombie simulation game."

 

[Ultimate]

Well, here we are, the first chapter of the first fanfic I've ever written! (Not counting the Prologue since I added that in later)
This will be like if the Gang from IASIP was in The Walking Dead. so get ready for a lot of laughs!

 

[Ultimate]

The weather was different in all of their areas.



In Kyle's, it was a gloomy day. Cloudy, gray, and generally depressing. Kyle never had his hopes up for better days than this, but he still disliked them. Damian's area was the opposite, even though he was only forty minutes away. The skies were clear, the sun was shining, it was your typical day in late summer, which it was, where it was getting cooler, but still warm enough to enough to enjoy the outside. Ever since Raphael and Kyle help Damian get out of his depressive funk, Damian would like to go out on day like these.



But he couldn't on account of the game they were playing.



Raphael was on the other side of the country, so him having different weather than the other two made sense. It was a hot day, the heat was beating on the people like drums at a orchestra, and you could actually see the hotness beaming off the cars, touching them would be like a red-hot knife. Meanwhile, At Alex's,...you couldn't actually tell what his weather like. At least, not from inside his room, due to him closing the curtains to prevent people from looking in, even though he was fifty stories up.



"So, Damian," Alex asked. "Did you get the game?



"Yep," Damian responded. "I got it. I couldn't find it at first but I just went a long way to get it, and I got it."



"Perfect," Raphael said. "So we are almost ready. Just let me get behind the couch so I can do my intro."



"Why do you have to get behind the couch to do the intro?" Kyle asked.



"I had that as an idea for an intro since I was twelve."



"You need to come up with better ideas for intros," Alex said. "Especially if you were a dumb twelve-year-old"



"God, you say that like it's a slur," Raphael rubbed his fingers through his head. "Piss off."



"Hey! Don't tell me to-"



"Ok! How about we start the game!" Damian exaggerated his tone.



"Wait a second, is this online?" Kyle asked quizzically "Like a public server?"



"No, it's private," Damian responded. "So we don't have to worry about other players."



Alex sighed. "Ok, I guess."



"Sounds boring," Raphael said. "Can't we change that?"



"Why would we?" Damian asked.



Raphael rolled his eyes and sighed. "Forget it."



"I'm ready," Alex said. "Start the game."



"I'm not done asking questions," Kyle put two fingers to his temple.



"I'm done listening to them," Alex nearly muted him. "Well?"



"Well, first," Damian interjected, "I have to invite you guys...just hold on"



Damian invited the players, them being Raphael, Alex, and Kyle.



"Ok, so I invited you guys into the game. You should get a message asking if you want to accept it. Don't worry, you don't need the simulation to play it with me."



"Ok." the three other men said at the same time



The three men accepted the invitation and saw the screen of the game showing images of run-down towns, dark forests, and ruined cities. All fading in and out. Along with the menu showing the four that were playing.



"Ok, I'm ready." Raphael said, "Let me turn the camera on...ok let me get behind the couch."



Alex flexed his fingers. Raphael crawled behind the couch as everyone else turned their camera on.



Raphael then jumped from behind the couch as he said his intro.



"Hello guys and gals of all races and species, this is Super Ultimate Number One coming at you from Earth and this is another installment of random game Wednesday! And I'm not alone"



Damian took his cue. "Hello, guys! Pwnageshow here, and welcome to real-life zombie simulation! That's right, zombie simulation! We're going to play what no one else has played before! Or…at least no one that we know! And I'm not the last one here."



Alex took his signal. "That's right everyone! Unrealentgaming here, and today...we're actually not going to compete. We're just going to cause mayhem and wreak havoc and shit."



Kyle spoke up. "Because we're too stupid to come up with challenges in real life! But uhhhhh… should we get started?"



"We should get started as soon as possible," Raph interjected. "How do we get in the game?"



Damian explained. "We pull the Oculus Rift over our heads and say the code word."



"And what's the code word?" Kyle asked.



"Oculus Rift."



"Wow," Kyle said. "those guys at Oculus...or whatever company makes the Oculus Rift. They are the apex of creativity, aren't they?"



"I came up with it."



"Oh well, that explains it."



Damian banged his legs in anger. "Ok, just...put it on so we can get in the game. "



"Ok," everyone said in unison.



And with that, everyone pulled over their headsets and said the code words in unison.



"Oculus Rift."



In an instant, they were transported to the world they created. They felt a new sensation of chills, different clothing, new scars, and accessories that would help them fight the undead. They were in the ruin of a town with most buildings that looked to be ransacked with broken windows and busted down with blood covering the walls and streets. Cars were empty and covered the area, some of them crashed into certain building such as stores and shops.



"Wow, that was quick," Kyle commented. "Where'd you get this?"



Damian scratched the back of his head. "Ummmm…the internet?"



"Works for me!" Raphael said.



"That makes no-" Kyle stopped. "Wow, I've seen your eyes while editing, Alex. But it's way worse seeing them in real life."



"This isn't real life," Alex said, eyes wide as saucers



"You know what I mean, why do they get like that sometimes?"



"Ehh, I don't know," Alex shrugged, as he shut them. "Just a tic I guess."



"Speaking of which, I can't feel my old body in the real world," Raphael commented.



"Yeah," Alex said. "It's like Sword Art Online,"



There was a three-second beat after that.



"Shut the fuck up." Kyle snarked.



Damian laughed.



Alex smiled. "What's wrong? You don't like Sword Art Online Kyle?"



"No, I actually do. I just, I have a rep to hold."



"Waitwaitwait you actually like that piece of shit? A-are you shitting me?"



"Wha...YOU WERE THE ONE REFERENCING IT!"



"Yeah, but that doesn't mean I like it."



"So now the weaboo is going to criticize me for liking anime!? An anime?"



"Do not. call me. a fucking weaboo." Alex glared with wide eyes again. "fucking prick."



"Why do people make jokes so seriously?"



I'm not taking it seriously by-



"Well, I'm not being a fucking prick by ju-"



"Yes, you are! ye-



"Ok!" Damian interrupted. "So the game! how do weeeeeee…what do we do?"



Kyle turned to Alex, "Let the leader decide."



Alex scratched his head. "Technically, the idea man comes up with the ideas. So Raph?"



"Well," Raphael said, "the first thing we should do is go for resources. That way we can be stocked up."



Kyle scratched himself, "ok so we-why do I have a sword?"



The rest of the team quickly then took notice of the medium-sized sword hoisted at Kyle's hip.



Raphael rubbed his chin, "I don't know, that's weird. did-We all have weapons for some reason."



The team then brought their attention to the weapon they were holding. Raphael was holding twin pistols and had a knife in his pocket, with a backpack as well, Damian was holding a hammer, and Alex a machine gun. Kyle also had a handgun in his hand.



Damian looked at his hammer. "yeah I was going to bring our attention to it but I assumed I was just part of the game."



Raphael looked at his guns. "So we spawned with them?"



Kyle looked up from his sword. "Yeah, we had when I came-we-we didn't even do anything yet, of course, we spawned with it. How does this game work, Damian?"



Damian shrugged. Rather quickly.



"Huh, weird, but not important." Raphael turned, "we have to go explore this...town. It's not like we'll get resources from nowhere



"Ok" Alex took a stance "Well as your leader I will lead on this journey and we will come out alive. No zombies or walkers or runners or whatever the fuck will stop us."



Kyle stared. "I have no faith in this team."



"Whatever," Raphael turned to Alex, "lead the way."



And with that, they were off,

 

[Ultimate]

"That's the shittest reason to like a show I ever heard," Alex said.

"How is that a terrible reason?" Kyle asked.

"Because I said so."

Kyle rolled his eyes. "What am I your autistic twelve-year-old? Look the show has good-"

"Do not. Insult me, Adams." Alex's eyes got wide again.

"How was Insulting you? Maybe if you weren't so sensitive-"

"I'm not fucking senitive! I'm just-"

The Jackasses were traveling alongside a sidewalk, where nature has run it's course, flowers, plants, and trees clouded the area. You could even walk in a parking lot without running into the rather large bush, you couldn't walk into a store without seeing the marks of time, like visting a factory that hasn't had workers in eight years.

Damian wasn't sure he could listen to his friend's argument anymore. It wasn't serious now. But with his friends, it would always eventually become serious. It always did. Unless they were playing a game, which technically they were, but it didn't feel like it.

He had to interject.

"So," He said. "when do you think we're going to find some resources?"

"Don't know," Alex took a break from his argument with Kyle. "we checked several houses already and they all have nothing in them."

"Yeah, this is, this is…" Kyle paused. "This is why I don't like The Walking Dead."

Damian giggled.

"Nothing else! Just walking and talking and shit. That's all there is to it."

"Yep, even Left 4 Dead has better writing," Raphael pointed at a house made out of wood. "Let's check that one. It's bigger, so it's bound to have something."

As the other men looked at the house, they agreed and went to the door. Alex put his hand on the doorknob. "Ok, on the count of three."

Raphael facepalmed, Damian put both hands on his face,

Kyle simply rolled his eyes. "Can't we just go in for once?"

"We went in all of them! What's the problem!?"

Kyle sighed. "Nothing."

"Good."

Alex held up one hand. "One...one and a half...one and three quarters...one and three and a half quarters...one and-"

"I actually think he's taking longer," Raphael whispered.

"One and almost all the quarters...Two...Two and one quarter."

"Oh, for flippin' cussing, fucking sake! Let's go, Kyle." Raphael raised hias leg

Then him and Kyle kicked the door open with one kick.

"Rodgers!" In order for Alex's eyes to get wider, he would have to remove his eyelids, Jeff the Killer style. "I was getting there!"

"No, you weren't, And if you keep referring to me by my last name, I'm going to kill your ass.."

"Will you two fumblefucks shut up!? Let's hurry up and ransack this place." Kyle ordered.

Alex frowned.

The Jackasses went insde the house and took in the surrouding. It'd made them want to go back home and turn on the air condition.

"Think we'll find anything in this one?" Damian asked.

"Probably not," Kyle shook his head. "How does this simulation work? Because if there are no people, then who's taking all the food?"

"It probaly started that way." Raph suggested. "Maybe we should split up. Y'know, cover more ground and find a way to-"

"No, you know better than that. We just end up in trouble without anyone else to help us." Alex shot the idea down.

"Or you're afraid of being alone." Kyle snarked.

"Hey Kyle, you might try to listen for once. Maybe you'll learn something."

Kyle frowned, then looked down and saw something. "Hey, there's something there."

"What, a walker!?" Alex immediately got his gun ready.

"Not a walker, dipshit! It's tiny. On the ground."

Alex scanned the area. "Where?"

"There!"

"Where?"

Kyle walked forward. "Right. Over. There." Kyle said pointing at the thing.

Damian squinted. "Oh! I see it! It looks like a hairball."

Alex and Raphael walked forward. Alex spoke first. "I don't think so."

"Yep," Raphael agreed. "With the shape, definitely a rat."

"Oh, shit!" Alex went behind Raphael. "I don't fuck with rat."

"You don't fuck with anything," Kyle said. "Come on, we're wasting time."

The men beside Raphael went into the kitchen to search for food.

"Nothing," Kyle said, "how-who ransacked all these houses already and stole their shit? We must've been to a dozen houses by now"

"Actually, it's been eleven houses, four stores and a gas station. I've been keeping count." Raphael called out.

Kyle walked forward to Raphael, who was slowly picking off the nails of the rat with his tail under Raph's foot. All with a devilish smile on his face.

Kyle rolled his eyes and stomped on the rat with his foot. Killing it.

"HEY!" Raphael Eyes bulged like Wile E. Fucking Coyote.

"You're wasting time, hurry up and help us look for food."

Raphael frowned but complied. Walking to the kitchen.

Raphael looked in the pantry. "I don't see anything."

"Yeah, thanks, Mr. Statement of the Obvious," Kyle said. "Never would've figured that out without you telling me that."

"Well hey, it's not a total loss!" Damian looked to the pantry and grabbed a moldy rotten loaf of bread. 'We found some food we could eat! Come on, let's eat! Gobble gobble!"

Everyone looked at Damian like he grown a second head when he started making an eating motion next to the bread

"You're an asshole," Kyle said

Damian giggled. "Come on, Kyle, eat some bread"

"No, get away from me-"

"Come on, Kyle-"

"No, I don't want-"

"Come on-"

"Noooooooo! getaway-"

"EAT THE BREAD!"

"GET AWAY FROM ME, YOU FAGGOT!"

And as Kyle was wrestling with Damian with the piece of bread, Raphael was searching in the cabinets for some food.

"Nothing," he shook his head. "Have a feeling this is going to be a very boring let's play."

"Raphael's right," Alex stepped on a chair. "We need action! Adventure! The blood pumping through our veins, and our lives at stake! THE RUSH OF WIND IN OUR EARS PAIN SEARING THROUGH OUR BODY! WE. NEED. CONFLICT!"

There was a gunshot.

Alex screamed like his balls haven't dropped. "DON'T KILL ME! TAKE THEM FIRST! I HAVE A BIG COCK!!"

The other Three Jackasses stared at him.

"If there was someone shooting at us..." Raphael said. "How would saying 'I have a big cock' save you?"

"Because!" Alex froze. "Wait, NO ONE IS SHOOTING AT US!?"

"It came from Kyle's gun," Damain said.

"What the...ADAMS!!"

Kyle tried to defend himself. "It was an accident! I didn't mean to! My finger was just on the trigger!"

Damian appeared visibly shocked. "Um...it's ok, I shouldn't have wrestled with while you had a gun" Damian looked up at the ceiling "but...what I'm worried about is...you don't think…anyone heard. Do you?"

It didn't take long after Damian said that for The Jackasses to run upstairs to check using the higher viewpoint, unfortunately, the second they reached the top of the stairs, Alex was tackled by a rotting corpse.

"Zombie!"

 

[Ultimate]

"ZOMBIE!!!!!!" Alex screamed as he held it off, keeping him at bay with his foot. "I DON'T WANNA DIE! Everyone, form a meat shield!"

"Raph, Kyle, shoot it!" Damian shouted.

Raphael crossed his arms.

"DUDE!!" Damian practically screamed.

"Man, fuck Alex!" Kyle said. "He can protect himself!"

Alex half screamed, half groaned. And grabbed the zombie by the throat and balls and threw him away,

The zombie landed on top of Kyle, and they both fell down the stairs. The zombie was on top of him.

"KYLE!" Damian cried.

Raphael laughed.

"THIS ISN'T FUNNY!" Damian shook his hands violently as he said it.

"It's a little funny, dude!" Raphael held half of his face.

Kyle grabbed the mouth of the zombie and was simultaneously keeping it from biting and pushing it back. Kyle shot multiple rounds into the zombie's stomach, deafening the team and causing Raphael to groan in anguish. Kyle threw it off of him.

However, it was still alive and the zombie was now crawling instead of walking.

While Kyle inspected his hands for bite marks, the zombie grabbed his leg "RAPH, SAVE ME, YOU FAGGOT!!"

"What's the magic woooooooooooooooord?" Raphael sang.

"KILL YOURSELF!"

"Well, that's not it."

"RAPHAEL!!

Raphael sneered "Don't fire next time."

"WHAT!?"

Alex rolled his eyes. "Fuck you, Kyle. You can protect yourself."

"CLEARY, I WAS RIGHT!!" Kyle screamed.

"That makes no sense."

Kyle screamed as the zombie continued to try to eat Kyle's leg. Kyle kicked at it several times like a little bitch, only succeeding in breaking his nose. Just when it seemed like it was over for Kyle, as the zombie closed his mouth around Kyle's leg. Damian bashed the zombie head in with his hammer.

All The Jackasses except for Damian glared at each other.

"WHAT. THE HELL. WAS THAT!?" All the The Jackasses except for Damian yelled.

"Why didn't you save me!?" Alex asked.

"Why didn't I save you!? Why didn't you save me!?" Kyle asked back.

"YOU DIDN'T SAVE ME FIRST!!"

"BECAUSE YOU DIDN'T NEED IT!"

"WHY DID YOU FIRE!?" Raphael joined in on the screaming.

Kyle stared at him. "What?"

"I HATE LOUD NOISES!! DON'T. DO IT. AGAIN!!"

"Of course, my bad. I won't do it again," Kyle tried to fire one more bullets.

Nothing.

He fired rapidly.

But he was out. "Shit."

"Jesus, Kyle," Alex pushed his arm and there was a pop. "Do you show any will or restraint?"

Kyle blinked. "Did…you just pop your arm into your socket?"

"My arm was dislocated by the zombie."

"That was not the problem."

Raph heard something foreboding.

"Does anyone else here growling?" as everyone else realized what that meant they ran upstairs with Kyle and Alex falling behind and from the window saw what they feared.

Zombies.

A whole horde of them