Three captains had betrayed the Gotei 13, Central 46 was massacred, and Kuchiki Rukia's execution was found to be illegitimate. Komamura only felt emptiness as he wondered what he could've done to stop it all.
The Heart's Cruelty (Bleach Komamura Fanfic)
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Just a one-shot. Nothing more to add.
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Hello all. I'm reposting this fanfic from AO3; you can read it there if you want to. I've also posted it on FFN, so that's an option as well.
Anyway, I hope it's a decent read
Sajin coughed up splotches of blood as he laid upon his futon. Candles fluttered in his room, giving the dark space a little light. Their calming smell was overwhelmed by the stench of his life-force that stained his haori and fur with crimson red. He was a mess.
When Aizen unleashed the Kurohitsugi upon him hours ago, it felt like his insides were skewered apart repeatedly until he could no longer stand.
But what pained him the most—what tore him completely apart—was to see Tousen ascend up away from him, enclosed in that yellow light, up away into the Menos' grasp. Sajin couldn't comprehend what he saw in the slightest. He screamed for his only true friend to come back down. He could've sworn he saw regret scrawled across Tousen's face.
Sajin tussled and turned, desperate to find the sleep that had eluded him for so long. He stopped when he felt a familiar reiatsu near him. It felt soft and generous, reminding him of Unohana.
Sajin focused his eyes onto his room's door when the 4th division captain appeared.
"Captain Komamura." Unohana bowed with an emotionless face. "Apologies for barging in like this, but I take it that you're feeling unwell."
Sajin narrowed his eyes in thought. He didn't expect her company in his personal quarters, but it wasn't surprising given what chaos the Seireitei went through earlier today. He only felt immense shame for her seeing him like this.
"I feel fine. I have no right to feel weak—"
"You have no right to be foolish either," Unohana interrupted with a sharp tone. "Not accepting help when it's needed is a special kind of weakness, Komamura."
Sajin closed his eyes and breathed in deep, remembering the moments on Sōkyoku Hill where he limped away from those 4th division members who were assigned to heal him. He told them there were others who needed the help more than he did. But truthfully, he didn't want anyone to see him.
Unohana sighed before she sat on her knees next to Sajin's heavily built form that heaved with every breath. She smiled watching him. "You are like most men: Always wanting to appear strong, even if such a display weakens you."
"That wasn't my reason for refusing treatment," Sajin grunted in pain as he pointed at his own wolfish snout. "My face…"
"Ah. I see now." Unohana nodded politely, understanding what the wolf meant. "But that's even more of a foolish reason, Captain Komamura."
Those soft spoken words lingered in the air between the two captains as silence filled the room. Sajin closed his eyes in deep contemplation. Before Unohana could begin her healing Kidō techniques, the wolf's eyes flicked open with nervousness in them.
"Are you… surprised by my appearance?"
"I suppose. I've definitely never seen anyone like you." Unohana stared at her wolf colleague emotionlessly for a few seconds before smiling. "I personally like it a lot more than your helmet-head look, though."
"Why? You think I'm not a monster?"
Unohana chuckled lightly. "That's certainly an interesting way to describe a fluffy, loyal, and respectful wolf, Komamura-san."
Sajin was completely taken aback. He didn't expect such kind and respectful words—not even from Unohana.
When the traitors began leaving with the Menos, Sajin remembered feeling numerous sets of eyes staring at him when most of the captains and lieutenants tried stopping them. It was a feeling he was intimately familiar with: To be watched and to be judged. He didn't know what his shinigami comrades thought of his wolfish features.
Sighing heavily, the wolf captain turned away from Unohana and laid flat on his back; his eyes staring at the ceiling above in deep thought.
The 4th division captain outstretched her palms and began healing. The two were silent as the candles in the room flickered on amidst the night's darkness.
"You don't have to stay and endure me wallowing in my own self-pity, Unohana-san," Sajin grumbled, still staring at the ceiling. "You can go."
"So soon? You're still very vulnerable," Unohana blankly stated as she looked over the wolf's many wounds.
"You don't need to worry." Sajin forcibly smiled while grunting in pain. "My kind has thick skin and fur. I don't feel anything—"
"I didn't mean just your physical injuries, Komamura," Unohana interrupted. "Your fear of your own appearance is gushing out from your reiatsu. It's pretty noticeable."
Sajin sighed in defeat.
"But that's not a bad thing," Unohana continued. "It's natural to fear what we don't understand. It's like recruits facing their first hollow. They'd be terrified until they can grasp what to expect fighting them. Of course whether or not you'll learn from your own fears and conquer them is entirely up to you. Are you brave enough to do that? I won't judge if you're not."
There was silence between the two again as Sajin contemplated those words from her.
He lifted a large paw in front of his snout and studied it. It was normally covered by a gauntlet that was useful for defense and the hand-to-hand combat styles of Hakuda, but that had been destroyed by Aizen's Kurohitsugi. His fur covered paws—so different compared to normal hands—now laid bare for anyone to see.
Am I brave enough?
Sunlight filtered through the windows of Sajin's room, waking him up from his slumber.
The day was clear and beautiful, but he didn't feel the relief such a day would normally bring him. It was hard to believe what had transpired yesterday. Three captains had betrayed the Gotei 13, Central 46 was massacred, and Kuchiki Rukia's execution was found to be illegitimate. He only felt emptiness as he wondered what he could've done to stop it all.
How he could've stopped Tousen...
But he shook his head, trying to disrupt his thoughts. The Court of Pure Souls would need its remaining captains to lead their divisions in this calamity and build back stronger. The time for whimpering would come later.
He arose from his slumber, almost stumbling on his feet before steadying himself. The familiar stench of iron filled his nostrils and he was covered in dried blood. His wounds were closed, making him feel grateful for Unohana's presence last night. Despite his stubbornness that night, she still healed him remarkably well. He showered and dressed in a new set of his captain's uniform.
The only thing that was missing from this routine that he did every morning was donning his helmet over his bestial head. A wave of worry washed over him upon this realization. But he took a deep breath and soldiered on out of his personal quarters. Many of his subordinates already saw his true face yesterday.
He only hoped that would dampen their shock seeing him again.
He made his way to his office as the floorboards creaked under his immense weight. He already sensed his lieutenant's reiatsu in there.
Opening the shoji door, Sajin smiled before bowing. "Good morning, Tetsuzaemon."
"Morning, captain!" Tetsuzaemon shouted as he bowed low.
The wolf entered the room as he noticed his lieutenant holding onto something bucket-shaped in his hands. "What is that?"
"Oh this?" Tetsuzaemon grinned as he held it out. "It's your helmet, Captain!"
"Tetsuzaemon…" Sajin gasped in shock, reaching out for the head piece he had worn for so long. "When did you even? How?"
"Found it after you went in for a rest and I managed to patch it up last night," Tetsuzaemon said with happiness and excitement. "How is it?"
Sajin ran his paws across the recognizable vizor of his helmet. The sensation of his fur brushing against the wood felt nice. He almost placed it over his head out of habit. But he stopped himself when he thought about all of the people who already saw his wolfish face yesterday.
"It's excellent work. However, I'll probably not wear this again. It served me admirably in the past, but now time has moved on," Sajin said, staring at the helmet in his paws. "I no longer need to hide my appearance."
"That's…" Tetsuzaemon choked on his words as tears flowed. "THAT'S VERY MANLY, CAPTAIN!"
Sajin flinched at the sudden outburst. He was surprised by Tetsuzaemon's unexpected loudness and his sobbing. The wolf soon felt bad as he thought about the hard work that most likely went into repairing his helmet. He embraced his crying lieutenant. "Don't worry, I won't let your craftsmanship go to waste. It will stay here in my office where I can admire it."
"That's… not… why," Tetsuzaemon said as he sniffed repeatedly. "You're finally showing off how awesome you are. That makes me proud, Captain."
Sajin's heart beated ferociously as he heard those words. His muscles tensed and he tightened his embrace with the smaller man. Every passing moment reminded him of how he was lucky that his lieutenant wasn't anyone else but Tetsuzaemon. Happiness swirled in Sajin's chest as he thought about that.
"Thank you, Tetsuzaemon. You truly are irreplaceable, you know that?"
The two hugged each other as the stress and hopelessness that had consumed them for the past day was briefly forgotten. Sajin was thankful for this relief, even if it only lasted a few seconds.
The two broke away from their hugging and they regarded each other warmly.
Sajin was about to say something until a Hell Butterfly flew into the office from an open window. It fluttered mid-air close to him at his height; its message apparently for him. He outstretched a claw, ready to receive its contents.
It read: 'Komamura Sajin, you are to report to the Second Division for questioning as soon as possible. This order was sanctioned by the Captain Commander himself.'
"What's it about?" Tetsuzaemon asked.
"Soi-Fon…" Sajin stared at the Hell Butterfly flying out the window it originally came through. "She probably wants to learn more about Tousen's past from me."
"I see. Do you have any orders for me while you're away?"
"Stay here and train our soldiers. I imagine they'll need the leadership and guidance when I'm gone, especially after all the chaos they've been subjected to."
"Yes sir!" Tetsuzaemon bowed low and hastily headed towards the door and walked into the hallway.
Sajin was alone in his office. Normally he wouldn't have minded the solitude that much, but he felt strangely vulnerable without Tetsuzaemon around.
Sajin turned his attention back to the helmet he had worn ever since he became captain. The wolf swept his claws all across its length, admiring it. He remembered with nostalgia that Tousen never liked this helmet. The blind man often complained it slightly changed Sajin's reatisu into something that wasn't truly him. Sometimes Tousen complained he couldn't possibly play with Sajin's fur and ears when the helmet was in the way.
The wolf laughed and howled at the memories. His heart ached painfully when he wondered what Tousen would've thought about him putting away the helmet.
With a heavy sigh, Sajin placed the helmet down on his desk and left his office. His steps were heavy with sorrow as he couldn't stop thinking about the blind man who saw past Sajin's fur and found dignity when the wolf himself could not.
Sajin reached the large blue doors that made up the front entrance to his division. His claws grasped the handles, but he hesitated.
He hated to admit it, but he was shivering in utter fear. He didn't know what would happen, or how the others would see him. Despite his immense size and stature, he felt like a mere ant in front of the many sets of eyes he imagined would be staring at him.
He wanted to stay here in the 7th division surrounded by the familiar energy of his subordinates. But he knew he only feared what he didn't understand. Soon, he'll need to get over this anxiousness he has over his own appearance, especially for the Captain's meetings that were sure to come.
So with a very heavy sigh, he pushed the doors aside and stepped into the sun's rays.
Without any warning, Sajin felt something landing on top of his head. His ears twitched and flicked as he felt soft warm hands glide across his fur.
His eyes widened when he realized what was happening. Inexplicably, and perhaps impossibly, the 11th division lieutenant appeared out of nowhere and was playing with his ears as if they were nothing more than toys.
"Y-Yachiru!" Sajin shouted.
"KEN-CHANNN! LOOK AT THIS! Koma-Koma is a fluffy-wuffy doggy!" Yachiru laughed. "This is the best day ever!"
Sajin grunted in annoyance. Out of any response there could've been towards seeing him without his helmet, this was the least expected. He mildly enjoyed it, much to his chagrin. "This is no polite way to greet someone, Yachiru."
The pink haired child's only response was to grab and pull his ears harder. "You're so cute, Bow-Wow!"
Sajin sighed. He wondered where the Kenpachi was. Yachiru's idea of showing adoration was genuinely hurting his ears. Seconds later, the wolf sensed a wild, barely restrained reiatsu approaching him. He heard bells ringing as he saw the 11th division captain walking to him.
"Damn, Yachiru," Zaraki said with a demonic smile. "You were so fast, you disappeared into the air like you were nothing. You little brat."
"Ken-Chan!" Yachiru squealed before leaping onto her adoptive father's shoulder. "Look! Koma-Koma was a doggy-doggy all this time!"
"I can see that." Zaraki's demonic smile widened.
The two captains stared at each other. Neither had forgotten their fight yesterday when Zaraki destroyed Sajin's helmet, revealing his appearance. The tension between them was palpable and many of the shinigami who were nearby watched, wondering what was going to happen next.
"Can we have him?" Yachiru pointed at the wolf captain. "Pretty please? I will give him all my snacks and I will take care of him. Please!"
Sajin's left eye twitched with disbelief. Did she… refer to me as a pet?
Before the wolf could correct her with stern words, Zaraki roared with laughter. "No, Yachiru. He ain't a pet or dog. He's a dog man. Big difference."
"But… the belly rubs!"
"No, Yachiru. Owning another person is weird."
"But I own you! Ken-Chan does everything I say like a good person!"
Sajin watched as the two continued bickering back and forth at each other. He was surprised to see this fatherly side of the Kenpachi trying to rein in Yachiru's antics. It slightly warmed his heart.
"Zaraki. Kusajishi," Sajin said, interrupting their argument. "It was nice meeting you two, but I have business to attend elsewhere."
"Not so fast, big dog." Kenpachi wildly smiled as he grasped the handle of his Zankpakuto. "Remember what you said yesterday?"
Sajin recalled saying 'this will be a fight to the death ' the moment when he released his bankai after saving Tousen from Kenpachi's blade. He remembered feeling rage and a genuine desire to kill the eyepatch wearing captain. Upon reflection, he felt somewhat ashamed he harbored those feelings. In the end, Kenpachi was right for helping the ryoka at the time.
"I have no wish to fight you, Zaraki. It would be terrible timing to fight now after everything that has happened."
"Tch." Kenpachi's face contorted into a bored look. "Yachiru," he simply said as an order for her to get off his shoulder.
"Yes!" The pink haired lieutenant obeyed with a high pitched squeal before jumping onto a nearby roof and watching the two captains below her.
"That's a whole lotta boring crap you kept on saying, you cowardly mutt. I guess I'll find someone else to have fun with," Kenpachi said, hefting his zanpakuto to rest on the shoulder Yachiru had occupied.
Sajin stared at him as he easily deflected the poor attempt of an insult. Although he still did wince a little internally from being labeled a mutt—a slur he hadn't heard directed towards him in a long time.
Eventually, the wolf turned and began walking away. His posture was relaxed, but his ears stood alert for any trace of sound behind him.
And in a heartbeat, Sajin drew his zanpakuto and blocked a powerful lunge from Kenpachi's blade. Their zanpakutos grinded against each other in a stalemate.
"I knew you would do that." The wolf's amber eyes glared down at the 11th division captain with contempt.
"Good! Let's fight then!" Kenpachi shouted excitedly, his demonic smile widening. "Nothing wakes the body up like fighting a bloodthirsty wolf beast!"
Sajin growled angrily, baring his fangs. He absolutely hated being called a beast. But most of all, he hated this senseless violence the both of them seemed ready and willing to commit. There was a lot to loathe, but the casual attitude the Kenpachi had towards spilling blood was bewildering. He'll never understand why this man embraced this fearless love for fighting.
The two captains jumped away and eyed each other with hardened gazes. Sajin was about to charge until he sensed a new reiatsu appearing by his side. The wolf pressed his muzzle against his chest, looking down at a miniature woman he towered over. She wore a captain's haori emblazoned with the Second Divison's emblem and a yellow sash at her waist. This was Soi-Fon, he thought.
Kenpachi stopped too, eyeing Soi-Fon with irritated impatience. "Get outta the way! We're fighting here!"
Soi-fon glowered at the Kenpachi before uncomfortably craning her head upwards to meet Sajin's gaze directly. "Komamura…" She said, staring at the wolf's golden eyes stoically. "Your presence is needed at the Second Division. I'm sure you'll honorably comply with this order."
"Of course…" Sajin rumbled in reply. He was unsure why she stared at him like that; it made his fur stand on end in worry. He couldn't help but wonder what she was thinking of him. Knowing the kind of person Soi-Fon was, she probably harbored unpleasant thoughts about his beastly features.
At least he won't be forced to indulge in the Kenpachi's antics any longer. The wolf was thankful for that.
But on the other hand, being forced to recall memories of his friendship with Tousen—the friendship he thought was sacred for both of them—wasn't going to be easy.
It would be monumentally painful, he imagined. Perhaps more painful than getting stabbed and slashed by the Kenpachi's zanpakuto.
But Sajin followed in Soi-Fon's steps regardless, sheathing Tenken as he did so. He still had a duty to fulfill, and would see to it no matter how painful.
"Oi!" Kenpachi shouted at the retreating backs of the two captains, his face twisted with woe. "Thought we had somethin' going on here, wolf jerk!"
Both Sajin and Soi-Fon disappeared with flash steps in a blink of an eye.
"Tch. Guess it's time for baking my ass off in the sun while I wait for Ichigo to heal up," Kenpachi quietly said to himself, grinning. "Then we can have some fun."
Yachiru plopped onto Kenpachi's shoulder. "KENN-CHANN won! Woohoo! Ken-Chan! Ken-Chan!" She shouted excitedly, raising her arms into the air.
"Yeah, whatever."
Yachiru smiled and bobbed her head side-to-side at his nonchalant response. However, she stopped her enthusiastic head bobbing a few moments later and went closer to one of Kenpachi's ears. "Hey, Ken-Chan…" She said in a whisper. "I realized something about Koma-Koma."
"What?" Kenpachi asked with a slightly annoyed tone.
"I think Koma-Koma has a tail!"
Kenpachi turned to Yachiru; a puzzled look on his face before he chuckled.
"I think so too, Yachiru."
Sajin was ducking his head as he lumbered inside the halls of the 2nd division with Soi-Fon. Unlike the seventh, the walls, doorways, and ceilings here weren't built with his massive stature in mind. So he often found himself crouching low, or had others give him the widest space possible so he could walk past them.
He hadn't felt so noticeably out of place in a long time until now.
The stares he was getting only added to this nerve racking feeling he had. It was like he was surrounded; singled out like an injured deer amidst a pack of wolves.
He only hoped they weren't thinking about brutally assaulting his ears like what Yachiru had done. He snickered internally at the ridiculous, unlikely thought.
The two captains reached a secluded room that had no windows. It was completely barren except for a floor table and two mats. They sat down, the wolf readjusting himself for comfort before the two looked at each other.
Sajin took a deep breath, closing his eyes in focus. He knew Soi-Fon was enjoying this rare opportunity to invade his privacy and talk about his relationship with Tousen so soon after the blind man's betrayal. She was cruel like that. But in the end, he also knew the circumstances justified this interrogation whether or not her intentions were nefarious.
So he tried telling himself it shouldn't be as painful as he imagined earlier.
"Before we begin," Soi-Fon said with a bladed voice. "I'd like to remind you that your rank and everything you've worked for is on the line. Answer my questions with that in mind, Komamura."
"Of course," he rumbled in reply, unfazed by her coldness.
"So then... When did you and Tousen first meet?"
"Two centuries ago, just outside the Academy." The wolf smiled faintly at the memory. Even after all these years, he still remembered every detail of that fateful day.
"Do you know why he wanted to become a shinigami?"
"For justice," he said with a little hurt in his voice; the events of Tousen's betrayal fresh in his mind. "A dear friend of his who was a shinigami died, so he wanted to become one to honor her."
"I see." Soi-Fon fingered her chin, looking up in deep thought. She was intrigued about the traitor's noble reason for becoming a shinigami. "Did you notice anything suspicious about his behavior? His conduct?"
"Nothing at all."
Soi-Fon's face twisted into a cruel scowl when she heard that. "Seriously? You were so close to him and yet you never noticed anything?"
The wolf looked down in shame as his ears drooped. He was silent, unable to say anything in his own defense.
"Makes me wonder what caused you two to be such great buddies in the first place." Soi-Fon continued, smugly smirking.
Sajin's eyes widened as unbearable sadness and grief consumed him. He knew Soi-Fon's question was a rhetorical one meant to tease. But that didn't stop him from thinking back to the day when Tousen wanted to find out with his sense of touch who Sajin really was beneath all the cloth he hid behind. It was such a simple gesture that nonetheless gave him something he thought he'd never experience in his lifetime: Acceptance.
The wolf placed one clawed hand on the side of his muzzle—the exact spot Tousen wanted to feel.
"AHHHH!" Sajin howled as all the pain and rage that had built up inside him released like a bursting dam. One of his clawed hands balled into a fist which he smacked into the floor table in front of him, tearing it apart instantly.
"K-Komamura!" She shouted, scooting back in terror from the massive captain's sudden outburst.
Sajin lowered his wolfish head ashamed. He deeply sighed upon realizing what he did. "I'm sorry… Soi-Fon. My anger got the best of me and I lost control. It was unbecoming of me. I'm… sorry."
Sajin raised his head to meet Soi-Fon's gaze, expecting to see that permanent scowl on her face. Instead, what he saw on her face was… compassion? The wolf never would've used that word to describe the second division captain, and yet that's what he clearly saw on her face.
"We can continue, Soi-Fon. I promise I won't lash out—"
"No…" She interrupted, looking away from the wolf's golden eyes. Her face was ridden with guilt. "That won't be necessary. I'm ending this now. You're free to go."
Sajin's ears perked up. He was surprised. "I thought you eagerly wanted this."
"I did, but truthfully, I myself was lashing out when I requested this interrogation," she said, finally turning to meet Sajin's wolfish face directly. She still felt guilty. "I was absolutely enraged that those three betrayed Soul Society. But most of all, I was enraged at myself that they managed to run such a massive operation under my very eyes and nose without me noticing… There isn't much worse than incompetence, Komamura. We were all incompetent."
Sajin nodded solemnly. "I understand."
The two captains stood, The wolf towering over his colleague with his massive bulk. They regarded each other calmly before he spoke. "Before I leave, there's something I wanted to ask you, Soi-Fon."
"Go ahead."
"Why are you such a cruel person?"
She raised a brow, tilting her head to the side in bemusement. "Is that a rhetorical question?"
"I'm serious."
Soi-Fon looked up at Sajin blankly. "Because the world is cruel, Komamura. Anyone who doesn't agree with that is living in their own fairytale."
Sajin nodded. He understood where she was coming from, especially with his memories of the Rukongai, where running away from mobs hell bent on killing him was a common occurrence—all because of his beastly appearance. But despite that, he still disagreed with her.
"Soi-Fon," he paused before he continued, meeting her stare. "It's easy to be cruel in a world that is also cruel. To be a kind person despite the cruelty of this world… that takes a sort of strength neither of us possess."
A period of silence lingered between the two before the massive wolf bowed low for his colleague as a show of respect. He turned to leave, ducking along the way so his towering form wouldn't bump into anything.
Soi-Fon gritted her teeth, enraged by those words. She hated the suggestion that her way of coping with the cruelty of this world was easy. She hated that deep, rumbling voice of his, and that wolfish appearance of his, and the way his canine ears would twitch every once in a while. She began hating just about everything that reminded her of Sajin.
And yet, she couldn't disagree with what he said…
Sajin stood before the grave of Tousen's friend. The grave consisted of a wooden pillar surrounded by a semi-circle of poles, atop a hill that overlooked the entirety of the seireitei.
It was a serene experience that made his whiskers quiver whenever a gust of wind brushed against his fur.
The sublime peacefulness only added to the aching pain in his heart, however. The absence of Tousen's presence here weighed heavily upon the wolf. Sajin knew Tousen wasn't here anymore—that much was obvious reality. But to be standing in this particular place where Tousen shared his feelings and vulnerabilities the most with him made the reality all the more painful. Unbearably so.
Despite how aggravating Soi-Fon can be, Sajin had to admit she was right to be appalled by his ignorance of Tousen's treacherous intentions. Even Tetsuzaemon would be disappointed in him. To not know anything despite being so close and dear to him was quite pathetic, the wolf thought.
Sajin lowered his head and gazed down at the memorial of Tousen's friend. He wondered what he could've done to stop the man that had given him so much to live for.
He looked up again, admiring the clear blue skies and the sun that shined its warmth deep into his fur. The day was beautiful, but it stood in stark contrast to the state his mind was in.
As the wolf was deep in thought, his ears twitched to the sound of footsteps behind him. Sajin turned and saw a small woman who wore a black kimono bedecked with white flowers. A few strands of hair hung between her eyes.
"Kuchiki Rukia…" Sajin stared down at her, his massive size dwarfing her completely.
She nervously looked away from the wolf's gaze. "I'm s-sorry if I bothered you, Ko-Komamura. I will leave—"
"No, your presence is not bothering me," Sajin interrupted with his rumbling voice. He turned away from Rukia and focused on the grave, conscious of the size difference between them and how fearful she must've been from his stare. "I was just surprised to find you here in a place like this."
"I needed some time alone from the others, so I came here," Rukia said in a barely audible whisper. "And I like high places. They give me confidence and peace."
Sajin nodded, his hulking back still turned to her. He noticed how pained her words sounded. That worried him. Turning around to look at her again, he saw more clearly the suffering in her eyes and the outline of dried tears on her face. The wolf felt guilt welling up inside him at the sight of her.
"Rukia," he said before lowering his furred head and closing his eyes. "I apologize for everything you've been through. I'm not asking for forgiveness, but please know that I regret how easily I accepted your execution. We were cruel to you without a doubt."
"No, it's fine," Rukia said softly before looking up at the wolf and smiling a little. "You were only doing your duty, Captain Komamura."
Sajin remembered what he said to Soi-Fon earlier: 'To be a kind person despite the cruelty of this world takes a sort of strength neither of us possess.' To see Rukia not hate him and the Gotei 13 despite her suffering was nothing short of admirable. He still felt immense guilt, however.
"I willfully turned a blind eye to your death penalty because it meant loyalty. Do you understand, Rukia? I was content with your death if it meant proving my loyalty to Genryūsai-dono…" He looked at her with a pained expression, his ears drooping.
"It's okay, Captain. I forgive you," Rukia said softly. She had never seen this side of the massive 7th division captain before. So apologetic he was. It warmed her heart. "Besides, my execution wasn't your fault."
Sajin deeply sighed. He didn't ask her for forgiveness, but he'd be lying if he said he didn't want it.
The two stood in silence as the wind howled all around them. Whenever the wolf spared a look at the woman he towered over, he saw torment in her watering eyes.
"What troubles you, Rukia?" Sajin rumbled in a kind, sympathetic tone.
"I will be honest, Captain Komamura…" She looked away from the wolf's golden eyes and stared down at the grass beneath her. Her voice was cracking. "It just seems I'm so unbelievably powerless. When I was forced to kill Kaien, I couldn't do anything to save him. When I was waiting for my execution, so much blood was shed for me, and all I could do was watch."
She tightly pressed her fingers onto the hems of her kimono as tears began falling. "So useless! So helpless! It's like I'm so much more of a dead weight than an actual shinigami."
Rukia tried her best not to cry in front of the captain, but those last few words broke whatever resolve she had left.
Sajin held out a paw that almost engulfed the entirety of Rukia's head, and gently rubbed her hair. He brought her shivering form close to him, embracing her with his bulk so she could lean on him while she cried. The wolf remained quiet. He knew, from the many times he had to be there for his subordinates whenever they needed to cry, that letting it all out until there wasn't much desire left for crying would be a good idea.
In the meantime, as Sajin waited for her to cool down, he marveled at how relatable her words felt. Memories of lying defeated in his own pool of blood, swept so easily away by Aizen's Kidō, came to him. He remembered Tousen ascending up into the sky along with the two other treacherous captains, his words the only effort he could think of to bring the blind man back down. He felt so immensely powerless then.
Sajin held out his other paw—the one that wasn't comforting Rukia—and studied the fur on it with keen eyes. He wanted Tousen back so bad. He yearned for the feel of fur against skin, for the confidence Tousen always seemed to give him with just his presence alone. The wolf didn't even care about the many punishments Tousen deserved for his treachery. If eschewing them meant the chance to see his life-long friend again, then he'd do so within a heartbeat.
Sajin realized something that made his eyes widen. His feelings toward Tousen weren't just friendship. He loved him. So much so, he'd overlook any of Tousen's flaws if it meant becoming closer to the blind man.
Sajin wondered if he could've done anything to stop Tousen if it meant throwing away yet another precious thing he never experienced in his life.
Sajin noticed Rukia's crying lessened. He tightened his embrace with her reassuringly. "Don't say you're dead weight, Rukia. Despite all of the power we as shinigami possess, there are just some things we're powerless to go against," he rumbled with a resigned expression.
Rukia slowly nodded, lowering her head so she could hide the embarrassment on her face. There wasn't much for her to be proud of, including wetting the wolf captain's haori and kosode with her tears. "It's just that… I wonder If I should continue being a shinigami."
"Do not give up," Sajin rumbled in a stern voice, staring down at her. "We shinigami may be outmatched, outskilled, even outsmarted—but we never give up." He smiled a little, revealing some of his fangs. His words were meant for her just as much as for himself. "I don't know you too well, Rukia, but I reckon getting knocked down never stopped you from becoming a shinigami, no?"
"No…" Rukia whispered, thinking back to her memories of trying her hardest to help herself and Renji survive in Inuzuri. "Getting knocked down never stopped me."
"Good." Sajin's smile widened, his fangs on full display. He turned away from Rukia to face the memorial of Tousen's friend. He vowed that he will save Tousen from this darkened path by any means necessary. He vowed, to the anonymous friend of Tousen, that he will make things right.
The two stood in silence as the sun's rays of warmth washed over them. Sajin stared down at the memorial and Rukia looked at the wolf's pointy ears. She was drawn to them.
"Komamura, I don't mean to be rude, but what happened to that helmet you always liked wearing?"
Sajin turned to the small woman he easily dwarfed, and furrowed his wolfish brows. He didn't like the question, but he found no harm in answering it. "It was destroyed by the Kenpachi, and rebuilt by my lieutenant, Tetsuzaemon. No need to wear it anymore, now that almost everyone has seen my monstrous face."
Rukia squinted her eyes with utmost effort at the wolfish face towering over her. "Monstrous?! You're just about the cutest fluff ball in all of Seireitei!"
Sajin widened his eyes; his ears twitching from the sudden loud shout. He didn't expect that from her whatsoever.
"Heh." Rukia awkwardly smiled, looking away embarrassed. "I apologize, Captain Komamura."
"No, I think… I think I needed that," Sajin rumbled, smiling with her. His joyfulness faded away, however, when he thought about the many reasons he wore his helmet. "When I left my clan, I was constantly harassed and attacked for my appearance. I guess, inevitably, I believed I rightfully deserved to be branded and treated as a monster."
The wolf paused as the weight of his own words beared down upon him, making him realize the full extent of his self-loathing. He smiled again. "Thank you, Rukia."
Rukia couldn't help but blush, her cheeks reddening. To receive thanks from someone so much larger and powerful than her made her heart race unstoppably with joy. She truly meant it when she said the seventh division captain was such a cute fluff ball. She craved those ears of his that twitch every once and a while, and all his fur that seemed so comfortable to hug with.
Rukia wondered if a particular request she wanted to ask of the captain was completely inappropriate. On one hand, it was obviously so. On the other, she really couldn't resist, could she?
"Say, Komamura… I was wondering…"
"Hm?" Sajin waited for her to finish what she was saying, but the words never came. He noticed her staring at his ears with pleading eyes, and it immediately clicked for him what she wanted. "You want to play with my ears?"
"Yeah, I know. It's—"
"If it makes you happy, I see no reason to refuse," Sajin interrupted before crouching low and encouraging her to climb up his massive back.
"A-Alright then," Rukia stuttered, shocked that the captain would agree so easily with her antics. She clambered onto his back and clung tightly onto his neck, which was so thickly corded with muscle, he didn't choke despite the raven haired woman giving all of her strength to hold on.
Once she was secure, Sajin roused to his full height, easily bringing up Rukia along with him as if she was weightless like a leaf. She marveled with her eyes wide at how truly towering the wolf was. From her new perspective, almost everything seemed so tiny. She felt the winds swirling amidst her hair more intensely than before. Her hands caressed his ears and stroked his silky soft fur with uncontrollable joy.
"Like I said earlier, Komamura." Rukia grinned, laughing resoundly. "I like high places! They give me confidence and peace!"
Sajin smiled, proud to see her so different to the sad, vulnerable woman he knew not so long ago.
Though he was happy, he had to admit something that bothered him a little. He didn't completely enjoy having others mount him like he was a beast of burden that was nothing more than an animal.
Rukia wasn't a child, after all…
But if carrying Rukia around can make him a better person, if it can at least bring a little happiness to both him and her during these trying times, he didn't mind whatsoever.
Anyway, I hope it's a decent read
Sajin coughed up splotches of blood as he laid upon his futon. Candles fluttered in his room, giving the dark space a little light. Their calming smell was overwhelmed by the stench of his life-force that stained his haori and fur with crimson red. He was a mess.
When Aizen unleashed the Kurohitsugi upon him hours ago, it felt like his insides were skewered apart repeatedly until he could no longer stand.
But what pained him the most—what tore him completely apart—was to see Tousen ascend up away from him, enclosed in that yellow light, up away into the Menos' grasp. Sajin couldn't comprehend what he saw in the slightest. He screamed for his only true friend to come back down. He could've sworn he saw regret scrawled across Tousen's face.
Sajin tussled and turned, desperate to find the sleep that had eluded him for so long. He stopped when he felt a familiar reiatsu near him. It felt soft and generous, reminding him of Unohana.
Sajin focused his eyes onto his room's door when the 4th division captain appeared.
"Captain Komamura." Unohana bowed with an emotionless face. "Apologies for barging in like this, but I take it that you're feeling unwell."
Sajin narrowed his eyes in thought. He didn't expect her company in his personal quarters, but it wasn't surprising given what chaos the Seireitei went through earlier today. He only felt immense shame for her seeing him like this.
"I feel fine. I have no right to feel weak—"
"You have no right to be foolish either," Unohana interrupted with a sharp tone. "Not accepting help when it's needed is a special kind of weakness, Komamura."
Sajin closed his eyes and breathed in deep, remembering the moments on Sōkyoku Hill where he limped away from those 4th division members who were assigned to heal him. He told them there were others who needed the help more than he did. But truthfully, he didn't want anyone to see him.
Unohana sighed before she sat on her knees next to Sajin's heavily built form that heaved with every breath. She smiled watching him. "You are like most men: Always wanting to appear strong, even if such a display weakens you."
"That wasn't my reason for refusing treatment," Sajin grunted in pain as he pointed at his own wolfish snout. "My face…"
"Ah. I see now." Unohana nodded politely, understanding what the wolf meant. "But that's even more of a foolish reason, Captain Komamura."
Those soft spoken words lingered in the air between the two captains as silence filled the room. Sajin closed his eyes in deep contemplation. Before Unohana could begin her healing Kidō techniques, the wolf's eyes flicked open with nervousness in them.
"Are you… surprised by my appearance?"
"I suppose. I've definitely never seen anyone like you." Unohana stared at her wolf colleague emotionlessly for a few seconds before smiling. "I personally like it a lot more than your helmet-head look, though."
"Why? You think I'm not a monster?"
Unohana chuckled lightly. "That's certainly an interesting way to describe a fluffy, loyal, and respectful wolf, Komamura-san."
Sajin was completely taken aback. He didn't expect such kind and respectful words—not even from Unohana.
When the traitors began leaving with the Menos, Sajin remembered feeling numerous sets of eyes staring at him when most of the captains and lieutenants tried stopping them. It was a feeling he was intimately familiar with: To be watched and to be judged. He didn't know what his shinigami comrades thought of his wolfish features.
Sighing heavily, the wolf captain turned away from Unohana and laid flat on his back; his eyes staring at the ceiling above in deep thought.
The 4th division captain outstretched her palms and began healing. The two were silent as the candles in the room flickered on amidst the night's darkness.
"You don't have to stay and endure me wallowing in my own self-pity, Unohana-san," Sajin grumbled, still staring at the ceiling. "You can go."
"So soon? You're still very vulnerable," Unohana blankly stated as she looked over the wolf's many wounds.
"You don't need to worry." Sajin forcibly smiled while grunting in pain. "My kind has thick skin and fur. I don't feel anything—"
"I didn't mean just your physical injuries, Komamura," Unohana interrupted. "Your fear of your own appearance is gushing out from your reiatsu. It's pretty noticeable."
Sajin sighed in defeat.
"But that's not a bad thing," Unohana continued. "It's natural to fear what we don't understand. It's like recruits facing their first hollow. They'd be terrified until they can grasp what to expect fighting them. Of course whether or not you'll learn from your own fears and conquer them is entirely up to you. Are you brave enough to do that? I won't judge if you're not."
There was silence between the two again as Sajin contemplated those words from her.
He lifted a large paw in front of his snout and studied it. It was normally covered by a gauntlet that was useful for defense and the hand-to-hand combat styles of Hakuda, but that had been destroyed by Aizen's Kurohitsugi. His fur covered paws—so different compared to normal hands—now laid bare for anyone to see.
Am I brave enough?
Sunlight filtered through the windows of Sajin's room, waking him up from his slumber.
The day was clear and beautiful, but he didn't feel the relief such a day would normally bring him. It was hard to believe what had transpired yesterday. Three captains had betrayed the Gotei 13, Central 46 was massacred, and Kuchiki Rukia's execution was found to be illegitimate. He only felt emptiness as he wondered what he could've done to stop it all.
How he could've stopped Tousen...
But he shook his head, trying to disrupt his thoughts. The Court of Pure Souls would need its remaining captains to lead their divisions in this calamity and build back stronger. The time for whimpering would come later.
He arose from his slumber, almost stumbling on his feet before steadying himself. The familiar stench of iron filled his nostrils and he was covered in dried blood. His wounds were closed, making him feel grateful for Unohana's presence last night. Despite his stubbornness that night, she still healed him remarkably well. He showered and dressed in a new set of his captain's uniform.
The only thing that was missing from this routine that he did every morning was donning his helmet over his bestial head. A wave of worry washed over him upon this realization. But he took a deep breath and soldiered on out of his personal quarters. Many of his subordinates already saw his true face yesterday.
He only hoped that would dampen their shock seeing him again.
He made his way to his office as the floorboards creaked under his immense weight. He already sensed his lieutenant's reiatsu in there.
Opening the shoji door, Sajin smiled before bowing. "Good morning, Tetsuzaemon."
"Morning, captain!" Tetsuzaemon shouted as he bowed low.
The wolf entered the room as he noticed his lieutenant holding onto something bucket-shaped in his hands. "What is that?"
"Oh this?" Tetsuzaemon grinned as he held it out. "It's your helmet, Captain!"
"Tetsuzaemon…" Sajin gasped in shock, reaching out for the head piece he had worn for so long. "When did you even? How?"
"Found it after you went in for a rest and I managed to patch it up last night," Tetsuzaemon said with happiness and excitement. "How is it?"
Sajin ran his paws across the recognizable vizor of his helmet. The sensation of his fur brushing against the wood felt nice. He almost placed it over his head out of habit. But he stopped himself when he thought about all of the people who already saw his wolfish face yesterday.
"It's excellent work. However, I'll probably not wear this again. It served me admirably in the past, but now time has moved on," Sajin said, staring at the helmet in his paws. "I no longer need to hide my appearance."
"That's…" Tetsuzaemon choked on his words as tears flowed. "THAT'S VERY MANLY, CAPTAIN!"
Sajin flinched at the sudden outburst. He was surprised by Tetsuzaemon's unexpected loudness and his sobbing. The wolf soon felt bad as he thought about the hard work that most likely went into repairing his helmet. He embraced his crying lieutenant. "Don't worry, I won't let your craftsmanship go to waste. It will stay here in my office where I can admire it."
"That's… not… why," Tetsuzaemon said as he sniffed repeatedly. "You're finally showing off how awesome you are. That makes me proud, Captain."
Sajin's heart beated ferociously as he heard those words. His muscles tensed and he tightened his embrace with the smaller man. Every passing moment reminded him of how he was lucky that his lieutenant wasn't anyone else but Tetsuzaemon. Happiness swirled in Sajin's chest as he thought about that.
"Thank you, Tetsuzaemon. You truly are irreplaceable, you know that?"
The two hugged each other as the stress and hopelessness that had consumed them for the past day was briefly forgotten. Sajin was thankful for this relief, even if it only lasted a few seconds.
The two broke away from their hugging and they regarded each other warmly.
Sajin was about to say something until a Hell Butterfly flew into the office from an open window. It fluttered mid-air close to him at his height; its message apparently for him. He outstretched a claw, ready to receive its contents.
It read: 'Komamura Sajin, you are to report to the Second Division for questioning as soon as possible. This order was sanctioned by the Captain Commander himself.'
"What's it about?" Tetsuzaemon asked.
"Soi-Fon…" Sajin stared at the Hell Butterfly flying out the window it originally came through. "She probably wants to learn more about Tousen's past from me."
"I see. Do you have any orders for me while you're away?"
"Stay here and train our soldiers. I imagine they'll need the leadership and guidance when I'm gone, especially after all the chaos they've been subjected to."
"Yes sir!" Tetsuzaemon bowed low and hastily headed towards the door and walked into the hallway.
Sajin was alone in his office. Normally he wouldn't have minded the solitude that much, but he felt strangely vulnerable without Tetsuzaemon around.
Sajin turned his attention back to the helmet he had worn ever since he became captain. The wolf swept his claws all across its length, admiring it. He remembered with nostalgia that Tousen never liked this helmet. The blind man often complained it slightly changed Sajin's reatisu into something that wasn't truly him. Sometimes Tousen complained he couldn't possibly play with Sajin's fur and ears when the helmet was in the way.
The wolf laughed and howled at the memories. His heart ached painfully when he wondered what Tousen would've thought about him putting away the helmet.
With a heavy sigh, Sajin placed the helmet down on his desk and left his office. His steps were heavy with sorrow as he couldn't stop thinking about the blind man who saw past Sajin's fur and found dignity when the wolf himself could not.
Sajin reached the large blue doors that made up the front entrance to his division. His claws grasped the handles, but he hesitated.
He hated to admit it, but he was shivering in utter fear. He didn't know what would happen, or how the others would see him. Despite his immense size and stature, he felt like a mere ant in front of the many sets of eyes he imagined would be staring at him.
He wanted to stay here in the 7th division surrounded by the familiar energy of his subordinates. But he knew he only feared what he didn't understand. Soon, he'll need to get over this anxiousness he has over his own appearance, especially for the Captain's meetings that were sure to come.
So with a very heavy sigh, he pushed the doors aside and stepped into the sun's rays.
Without any warning, Sajin felt something landing on top of his head. His ears twitched and flicked as he felt soft warm hands glide across his fur.
His eyes widened when he realized what was happening. Inexplicably, and perhaps impossibly, the 11th division lieutenant appeared out of nowhere and was playing with his ears as if they were nothing more than toys.
"Y-Yachiru!" Sajin shouted.
"KEN-CHANNN! LOOK AT THIS! Koma-Koma is a fluffy-wuffy doggy!" Yachiru laughed. "This is the best day ever!"
Sajin grunted in annoyance. Out of any response there could've been towards seeing him without his helmet, this was the least expected. He mildly enjoyed it, much to his chagrin. "This is no polite way to greet someone, Yachiru."
The pink haired child's only response was to grab and pull his ears harder. "You're so cute, Bow-Wow!"
Sajin sighed. He wondered where the Kenpachi was. Yachiru's idea of showing adoration was genuinely hurting his ears. Seconds later, the wolf sensed a wild, barely restrained reiatsu approaching him. He heard bells ringing as he saw the 11th division captain walking to him.
"Damn, Yachiru," Zaraki said with a demonic smile. "You were so fast, you disappeared into the air like you were nothing. You little brat."
"Ken-Chan!" Yachiru squealed before leaping onto her adoptive father's shoulder. "Look! Koma-Koma was a doggy-doggy all this time!"
"I can see that." Zaraki's demonic smile widened.
The two captains stared at each other. Neither had forgotten their fight yesterday when Zaraki destroyed Sajin's helmet, revealing his appearance. The tension between them was palpable and many of the shinigami who were nearby watched, wondering what was going to happen next.
"Can we have him?" Yachiru pointed at the wolf captain. "Pretty please? I will give him all my snacks and I will take care of him. Please!"
Sajin's left eye twitched with disbelief. Did she… refer to me as a pet?
Before the wolf could correct her with stern words, Zaraki roared with laughter. "No, Yachiru. He ain't a pet or dog. He's a dog man. Big difference."
"But… the belly rubs!"
"No, Yachiru. Owning another person is weird."
"But I own you! Ken-Chan does everything I say like a good person!"
Sajin watched as the two continued bickering back and forth at each other. He was surprised to see this fatherly side of the Kenpachi trying to rein in Yachiru's antics. It slightly warmed his heart.
"Zaraki. Kusajishi," Sajin said, interrupting their argument. "It was nice meeting you two, but I have business to attend elsewhere."
"Not so fast, big dog." Kenpachi wildly smiled as he grasped the handle of his Zankpakuto. "Remember what you said yesterday?"
Sajin recalled saying 'this will be a fight to the death ' the moment when he released his bankai after saving Tousen from Kenpachi's blade. He remembered feeling rage and a genuine desire to kill the eyepatch wearing captain. Upon reflection, he felt somewhat ashamed he harbored those feelings. In the end, Kenpachi was right for helping the ryoka at the time.
"I have no wish to fight you, Zaraki. It would be terrible timing to fight now after everything that has happened."
"Tch." Kenpachi's face contorted into a bored look. "Yachiru," he simply said as an order for her to get off his shoulder.
"Yes!" The pink haired lieutenant obeyed with a high pitched squeal before jumping onto a nearby roof and watching the two captains below her.
"That's a whole lotta boring crap you kept on saying, you cowardly mutt. I guess I'll find someone else to have fun with," Kenpachi said, hefting his zanpakuto to rest on the shoulder Yachiru had occupied.
Sajin stared at him as he easily deflected the poor attempt of an insult. Although he still did wince a little internally from being labeled a mutt—a slur he hadn't heard directed towards him in a long time.
Eventually, the wolf turned and began walking away. His posture was relaxed, but his ears stood alert for any trace of sound behind him.
And in a heartbeat, Sajin drew his zanpakuto and blocked a powerful lunge from Kenpachi's blade. Their zanpakutos grinded against each other in a stalemate.
"I knew you would do that." The wolf's amber eyes glared down at the 11th division captain with contempt.
"Good! Let's fight then!" Kenpachi shouted excitedly, his demonic smile widening. "Nothing wakes the body up like fighting a bloodthirsty wolf beast!"
Sajin growled angrily, baring his fangs. He absolutely hated being called a beast. But most of all, he hated this senseless violence the both of them seemed ready and willing to commit. There was a lot to loathe, but the casual attitude the Kenpachi had towards spilling blood was bewildering. He'll never understand why this man embraced this fearless love for fighting.
The two captains jumped away and eyed each other with hardened gazes. Sajin was about to charge until he sensed a new reiatsu appearing by his side. The wolf pressed his muzzle against his chest, looking down at a miniature woman he towered over. She wore a captain's haori emblazoned with the Second Divison's emblem and a yellow sash at her waist. This was Soi-Fon, he thought.
Kenpachi stopped too, eyeing Soi-Fon with irritated impatience. "Get outta the way! We're fighting here!"
Soi-fon glowered at the Kenpachi before uncomfortably craning her head upwards to meet Sajin's gaze directly. "Komamura…" She said, staring at the wolf's golden eyes stoically. "Your presence is needed at the Second Division. I'm sure you'll honorably comply with this order."
"Of course…" Sajin rumbled in reply. He was unsure why she stared at him like that; it made his fur stand on end in worry. He couldn't help but wonder what she was thinking of him. Knowing the kind of person Soi-Fon was, she probably harbored unpleasant thoughts about his beastly features.
At least he won't be forced to indulge in the Kenpachi's antics any longer. The wolf was thankful for that.
But on the other hand, being forced to recall memories of his friendship with Tousen—the friendship he thought was sacred for both of them—wasn't going to be easy.
It would be monumentally painful, he imagined. Perhaps more painful than getting stabbed and slashed by the Kenpachi's zanpakuto.
But Sajin followed in Soi-Fon's steps regardless, sheathing Tenken as he did so. He still had a duty to fulfill, and would see to it no matter how painful.
"Oi!" Kenpachi shouted at the retreating backs of the two captains, his face twisted with woe. "Thought we had somethin' going on here, wolf jerk!"
Both Sajin and Soi-Fon disappeared with flash steps in a blink of an eye.
"Tch. Guess it's time for baking my ass off in the sun while I wait for Ichigo to heal up," Kenpachi quietly said to himself, grinning. "Then we can have some fun."
Yachiru plopped onto Kenpachi's shoulder. "KENN-CHANN won! Woohoo! Ken-Chan! Ken-Chan!" She shouted excitedly, raising her arms into the air.
"Yeah, whatever."
Yachiru smiled and bobbed her head side-to-side at his nonchalant response. However, she stopped her enthusiastic head bobbing a few moments later and went closer to one of Kenpachi's ears. "Hey, Ken-Chan…" She said in a whisper. "I realized something about Koma-Koma."
"What?" Kenpachi asked with a slightly annoyed tone.
"I think Koma-Koma has a tail!"
Kenpachi turned to Yachiru; a puzzled look on his face before he chuckled.
"I think so too, Yachiru."
Sajin was ducking his head as he lumbered inside the halls of the 2nd division with Soi-Fon. Unlike the seventh, the walls, doorways, and ceilings here weren't built with his massive stature in mind. So he often found himself crouching low, or had others give him the widest space possible so he could walk past them.
He hadn't felt so noticeably out of place in a long time until now.
The stares he was getting only added to this nerve racking feeling he had. It was like he was surrounded; singled out like an injured deer amidst a pack of wolves.
He only hoped they weren't thinking about brutally assaulting his ears like what Yachiru had done. He snickered internally at the ridiculous, unlikely thought.
The two captains reached a secluded room that had no windows. It was completely barren except for a floor table and two mats. They sat down, the wolf readjusting himself for comfort before the two looked at each other.
Sajin took a deep breath, closing his eyes in focus. He knew Soi-Fon was enjoying this rare opportunity to invade his privacy and talk about his relationship with Tousen so soon after the blind man's betrayal. She was cruel like that. But in the end, he also knew the circumstances justified this interrogation whether or not her intentions were nefarious.
So he tried telling himself it shouldn't be as painful as he imagined earlier.
"Before we begin," Soi-Fon said with a bladed voice. "I'd like to remind you that your rank and everything you've worked for is on the line. Answer my questions with that in mind, Komamura."
"Of course," he rumbled in reply, unfazed by her coldness.
"So then... When did you and Tousen first meet?"
"Two centuries ago, just outside the Academy." The wolf smiled faintly at the memory. Even after all these years, he still remembered every detail of that fateful day.
"Do you know why he wanted to become a shinigami?"
"For justice," he said with a little hurt in his voice; the events of Tousen's betrayal fresh in his mind. "A dear friend of his who was a shinigami died, so he wanted to become one to honor her."
"I see." Soi-Fon fingered her chin, looking up in deep thought. She was intrigued about the traitor's noble reason for becoming a shinigami. "Did you notice anything suspicious about his behavior? His conduct?"
"Nothing at all."
Soi-Fon's face twisted into a cruel scowl when she heard that. "Seriously? You were so close to him and yet you never noticed anything?"
The wolf looked down in shame as his ears drooped. He was silent, unable to say anything in his own defense.
"Makes me wonder what caused you two to be such great buddies in the first place." Soi-Fon continued, smugly smirking.
Sajin's eyes widened as unbearable sadness and grief consumed him. He knew Soi-Fon's question was a rhetorical one meant to tease. But that didn't stop him from thinking back to the day when Tousen wanted to find out with his sense of touch who Sajin really was beneath all the cloth he hid behind. It was such a simple gesture that nonetheless gave him something he thought he'd never experience in his lifetime: Acceptance.
The wolf placed one clawed hand on the side of his muzzle—the exact spot Tousen wanted to feel.
"AHHHH!" Sajin howled as all the pain and rage that had built up inside him released like a bursting dam. One of his clawed hands balled into a fist which he smacked into the floor table in front of him, tearing it apart instantly.
"K-Komamura!" She shouted, scooting back in terror from the massive captain's sudden outburst.
Sajin lowered his wolfish head ashamed. He deeply sighed upon realizing what he did. "I'm sorry… Soi-Fon. My anger got the best of me and I lost control. It was unbecoming of me. I'm… sorry."
Sajin raised his head to meet Soi-Fon's gaze, expecting to see that permanent scowl on her face. Instead, what he saw on her face was… compassion? The wolf never would've used that word to describe the second division captain, and yet that's what he clearly saw on her face.
"We can continue, Soi-Fon. I promise I won't lash out—"
"No…" She interrupted, looking away from the wolf's golden eyes. Her face was ridden with guilt. "That won't be necessary. I'm ending this now. You're free to go."
Sajin's ears perked up. He was surprised. "I thought you eagerly wanted this."
"I did, but truthfully, I myself was lashing out when I requested this interrogation," she said, finally turning to meet Sajin's wolfish face directly. She still felt guilty. "I was absolutely enraged that those three betrayed Soul Society. But most of all, I was enraged at myself that they managed to run such a massive operation under my very eyes and nose without me noticing… There isn't much worse than incompetence, Komamura. We were all incompetent."
Sajin nodded solemnly. "I understand."
The two captains stood, The wolf towering over his colleague with his massive bulk. They regarded each other calmly before he spoke. "Before I leave, there's something I wanted to ask you, Soi-Fon."
"Go ahead."
"Why are you such a cruel person?"
She raised a brow, tilting her head to the side in bemusement. "Is that a rhetorical question?"
"I'm serious."
Soi-Fon looked up at Sajin blankly. "Because the world is cruel, Komamura. Anyone who doesn't agree with that is living in their own fairytale."
Sajin nodded. He understood where she was coming from, especially with his memories of the Rukongai, where running away from mobs hell bent on killing him was a common occurrence—all because of his beastly appearance. But despite that, he still disagreed with her.
"Soi-Fon," he paused before he continued, meeting her stare. "It's easy to be cruel in a world that is also cruel. To be a kind person despite the cruelty of this world… that takes a sort of strength neither of us possess."
A period of silence lingered between the two before the massive wolf bowed low for his colleague as a show of respect. He turned to leave, ducking along the way so his towering form wouldn't bump into anything.
Soi-Fon gritted her teeth, enraged by those words. She hated the suggestion that her way of coping with the cruelty of this world was easy. She hated that deep, rumbling voice of his, and that wolfish appearance of his, and the way his canine ears would twitch every once in a while. She began hating just about everything that reminded her of Sajin.
And yet, she couldn't disagree with what he said…
Sajin stood before the grave of Tousen's friend. The grave consisted of a wooden pillar surrounded by a semi-circle of poles, atop a hill that overlooked the entirety of the seireitei.
It was a serene experience that made his whiskers quiver whenever a gust of wind brushed against his fur.
The sublime peacefulness only added to the aching pain in his heart, however. The absence of Tousen's presence here weighed heavily upon the wolf. Sajin knew Tousen wasn't here anymore—that much was obvious reality. But to be standing in this particular place where Tousen shared his feelings and vulnerabilities the most with him made the reality all the more painful. Unbearably so.
Despite how aggravating Soi-Fon can be, Sajin had to admit she was right to be appalled by his ignorance of Tousen's treacherous intentions. Even Tetsuzaemon would be disappointed in him. To not know anything despite being so close and dear to him was quite pathetic, the wolf thought.
Sajin lowered his head and gazed down at the memorial of Tousen's friend. He wondered what he could've done to stop the man that had given him so much to live for.
He looked up again, admiring the clear blue skies and the sun that shined its warmth deep into his fur. The day was beautiful, but it stood in stark contrast to the state his mind was in.
As the wolf was deep in thought, his ears twitched to the sound of footsteps behind him. Sajin turned and saw a small woman who wore a black kimono bedecked with white flowers. A few strands of hair hung between her eyes.
"Kuchiki Rukia…" Sajin stared down at her, his massive size dwarfing her completely.
She nervously looked away from the wolf's gaze. "I'm s-sorry if I bothered you, Ko-Komamura. I will leave—"
"No, your presence is not bothering me," Sajin interrupted with his rumbling voice. He turned away from Rukia and focused on the grave, conscious of the size difference between them and how fearful she must've been from his stare. "I was just surprised to find you here in a place like this."
"I needed some time alone from the others, so I came here," Rukia said in a barely audible whisper. "And I like high places. They give me confidence and peace."
Sajin nodded, his hulking back still turned to her. He noticed how pained her words sounded. That worried him. Turning around to look at her again, he saw more clearly the suffering in her eyes and the outline of dried tears on her face. The wolf felt guilt welling up inside him at the sight of her.
"Rukia," he said before lowering his furred head and closing his eyes. "I apologize for everything you've been through. I'm not asking for forgiveness, but please know that I regret how easily I accepted your execution. We were cruel to you without a doubt."
"No, it's fine," Rukia said softly before looking up at the wolf and smiling a little. "You were only doing your duty, Captain Komamura."
Sajin remembered what he said to Soi-Fon earlier: 'To be a kind person despite the cruelty of this world takes a sort of strength neither of us possess.' To see Rukia not hate him and the Gotei 13 despite her suffering was nothing short of admirable. He still felt immense guilt, however.
"I willfully turned a blind eye to your death penalty because it meant loyalty. Do you understand, Rukia? I was content with your death if it meant proving my loyalty to Genryūsai-dono…" He looked at her with a pained expression, his ears drooping.
"It's okay, Captain. I forgive you," Rukia said softly. She had never seen this side of the massive 7th division captain before. So apologetic he was. It warmed her heart. "Besides, my execution wasn't your fault."
Sajin deeply sighed. He didn't ask her for forgiveness, but he'd be lying if he said he didn't want it.
The two stood in silence as the wind howled all around them. Whenever the wolf spared a look at the woman he towered over, he saw torment in her watering eyes.
"What troubles you, Rukia?" Sajin rumbled in a kind, sympathetic tone.
"I will be honest, Captain Komamura…" She looked away from the wolf's golden eyes and stared down at the grass beneath her. Her voice was cracking. "It just seems I'm so unbelievably powerless. When I was forced to kill Kaien, I couldn't do anything to save him. When I was waiting for my execution, so much blood was shed for me, and all I could do was watch."
She tightly pressed her fingers onto the hems of her kimono as tears began falling. "So useless! So helpless! It's like I'm so much more of a dead weight than an actual shinigami."
Rukia tried her best not to cry in front of the captain, but those last few words broke whatever resolve she had left.
Sajin held out a paw that almost engulfed the entirety of Rukia's head, and gently rubbed her hair. He brought her shivering form close to him, embracing her with his bulk so she could lean on him while she cried. The wolf remained quiet. He knew, from the many times he had to be there for his subordinates whenever they needed to cry, that letting it all out until there wasn't much desire left for crying would be a good idea.
In the meantime, as Sajin waited for her to cool down, he marveled at how relatable her words felt. Memories of lying defeated in his own pool of blood, swept so easily away by Aizen's Kidō, came to him. He remembered Tousen ascending up into the sky along with the two other treacherous captains, his words the only effort he could think of to bring the blind man back down. He felt so immensely powerless then.
Sajin held out his other paw—the one that wasn't comforting Rukia—and studied the fur on it with keen eyes. He wanted Tousen back so bad. He yearned for the feel of fur against skin, for the confidence Tousen always seemed to give him with just his presence alone. The wolf didn't even care about the many punishments Tousen deserved for his treachery. If eschewing them meant the chance to see his life-long friend again, then he'd do so within a heartbeat.
Sajin realized something that made his eyes widen. His feelings toward Tousen weren't just friendship. He loved him. So much so, he'd overlook any of Tousen's flaws if it meant becoming closer to the blind man.
Sajin wondered if he could've done anything to stop Tousen if it meant throwing away yet another precious thing he never experienced in his life.
Sajin noticed Rukia's crying lessened. He tightened his embrace with her reassuringly. "Don't say you're dead weight, Rukia. Despite all of the power we as shinigami possess, there are just some things we're powerless to go against," he rumbled with a resigned expression.
Rukia slowly nodded, lowering her head so she could hide the embarrassment on her face. There wasn't much for her to be proud of, including wetting the wolf captain's haori and kosode with her tears. "It's just that… I wonder If I should continue being a shinigami."
"Do not give up," Sajin rumbled in a stern voice, staring down at her. "We shinigami may be outmatched, outskilled, even outsmarted—but we never give up." He smiled a little, revealing some of his fangs. His words were meant for her just as much as for himself. "I don't know you too well, Rukia, but I reckon getting knocked down never stopped you from becoming a shinigami, no?"
"No…" Rukia whispered, thinking back to her memories of trying her hardest to help herself and Renji survive in Inuzuri. "Getting knocked down never stopped me."
"Good." Sajin's smile widened, his fangs on full display. He turned away from Rukia to face the memorial of Tousen's friend. He vowed that he will save Tousen from this darkened path by any means necessary. He vowed, to the anonymous friend of Tousen, that he will make things right.
The two stood in silence as the sun's rays of warmth washed over them. Sajin stared down at the memorial and Rukia looked at the wolf's pointy ears. She was drawn to them.
"Komamura, I don't mean to be rude, but what happened to that helmet you always liked wearing?"
Sajin turned to the small woman he easily dwarfed, and furrowed his wolfish brows. He didn't like the question, but he found no harm in answering it. "It was destroyed by the Kenpachi, and rebuilt by my lieutenant, Tetsuzaemon. No need to wear it anymore, now that almost everyone has seen my monstrous face."
Rukia squinted her eyes with utmost effort at the wolfish face towering over her. "Monstrous?! You're just about the cutest fluff ball in all of Seireitei!"
Sajin widened his eyes; his ears twitching from the sudden loud shout. He didn't expect that from her whatsoever.
"Heh." Rukia awkwardly smiled, looking away embarrassed. "I apologize, Captain Komamura."
"No, I think… I think I needed that," Sajin rumbled, smiling with her. His joyfulness faded away, however, when he thought about the many reasons he wore his helmet. "When I left my clan, I was constantly harassed and attacked for my appearance. I guess, inevitably, I believed I rightfully deserved to be branded and treated as a monster."
The wolf paused as the weight of his own words beared down upon him, making him realize the full extent of his self-loathing. He smiled again. "Thank you, Rukia."
Rukia couldn't help but blush, her cheeks reddening. To receive thanks from someone so much larger and powerful than her made her heart race unstoppably with joy. She truly meant it when she said the seventh division captain was such a cute fluff ball. She craved those ears of his that twitch every once and a while, and all his fur that seemed so comfortable to hug with.
Rukia wondered if a particular request she wanted to ask of the captain was completely inappropriate. On one hand, it was obviously so. On the other, she really couldn't resist, could she?
"Say, Komamura… I was wondering…"
"Hm?" Sajin waited for her to finish what she was saying, but the words never came. He noticed her staring at his ears with pleading eyes, and it immediately clicked for him what she wanted. "You want to play with my ears?"
"Yeah, I know. It's—"
"If it makes you happy, I see no reason to refuse," Sajin interrupted before crouching low and encouraging her to climb up his massive back.
"A-Alright then," Rukia stuttered, shocked that the captain would agree so easily with her antics. She clambered onto his back and clung tightly onto his neck, which was so thickly corded with muscle, he didn't choke despite the raven haired woman giving all of her strength to hold on.
Once she was secure, Sajin roused to his full height, easily bringing up Rukia along with him as if she was weightless like a leaf. She marveled with her eyes wide at how truly towering the wolf was. From her new perspective, almost everything seemed so tiny. She felt the winds swirling amidst her hair more intensely than before. Her hands caressed his ears and stroked his silky soft fur with uncontrollable joy.
"Like I said earlier, Komamura." Rukia grinned, laughing resoundly. "I like high places! They give me confidence and peace!"
Sajin smiled, proud to see her so different to the sad, vulnerable woman he knew not so long ago.
Though he was happy, he had to admit something that bothered him a little. He didn't completely enjoy having others mount him like he was a beast of burden that was nothing more than an animal.
Rukia wasn't a child, after all…
But if carrying Rukia around can make him a better person, if it can at least bring a little happiness to both him and her during these trying times, he didn't mind whatsoever.
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