Remove ads

The Deadpool Quest

Created
Status
Ongoing
Watchers
103
Recent readers
0
Threadmarks
2
Oh, hey there.

I know, I know, you're probably a bit confused right now. You're probably...
Threadmarks
Reader mode
Remove ads
Part the First, In which I, Deadpool, begin a Quest.
  • Threadmarks
    • Telamon

    Telamon

    A corvid.
    Councillor
    Location
    Texas
    ​

    Oh, hey there.

    I know, I know, you're probably a bit confused right now. You're probably thinking something like "Hey, this is a Quest, why the hell is it talking to me?"

    Well, my innocent little Quester, this isn't just any quest, it's The Deadpool Quest. It's got a special sexy font and everything. And if you haven't figured it out by now, I'm Deadpool, which is why you're reading this in Ryan Reynold's voice (or Nolan North's, if you're a loser who plays video games. You know who you are.)

    Okay, now that we've got all of that sorted out, here's the logo. Don't worry, we'll cut to the questy bits soon.


    Aren't I pretty?
    The Deadpool Quest
    ​
    I hope you liked that. Took five whole minutes of searching on Google.

    We're switching to white now, because the GM realized an entire page of yellow hurts his eyes.

    Anyhow, welcome to the greatest Quest of all time. Ever. It's gonna get a TvTropes page, fanart, fanfiction, the whole nine yards. Six seasons and a movie.

    One word: Franchising. (See what the GM did with the yellow here, to enchance the internal monologue? He's a great writer, isn't he?)
    ​
    Now, I know what you're thinking (Yes, I'm smarter than you, get over it). "How the flying fuck is this gonna work? The fourth wall exists for a reason!"*

    Well, you see, when the GM came up with this gimmick, he thought it through, proving he's slightly less stupid than previously imagined.

    See, I do this thing where I have voices in my head, and they kind of talk to me. My friend Spidey (he says we're not friends, but what does he know?) tells me that means I'm mentally unstable, but I'm not the one who dresses up like a kinky luchador and runs around shooting his sticky white fluids all over New York.

    I'm normal. I just kill people.

    Anyhow, re: the voices in my head, they're you. Or rather, you're them. And your incessant bickering and babbling fits in perfectly with the rest of my mental furniture. Matches the feng shui of my headspace. So when I do my Deadpooly stuff**, you'll get to chip in from time to time and tell me what to do, and I will do it. Roughly. Most of the time. Maybe. Probably.

    Point is, say the thing and I'll do the thing, or something which is at least vaguely like the thing.

    Try it out now! C'mon. Say "Deadpool, do a flip."

    Yes, with your lips. Your fleshy flappy mouth-bits, under your nose.

    Yes, in real life. The GM felt really clever for thinking up this whole bit, and you wouldn't want to make him sad, now would you?

    Did you do it? Really?

    Wait, really?

    Holy shit, I'm crying. You actually said it. Wow. I didn't think you would actually say it. I know you can't hear me, but I want you to know this: I'm laughing at you. You talked out loud to your computer screen.

    Oh, jeez. That was good. That...that was good.

    Okay, okay, I'm done.

    By the way, here's a quick review on who I am, in case you who don't know and yet have read this far for some reason. Weirdo.

    My name is Wade Wilson, and I'm the last child of a dead planet called Deadpoolia. When I was a child, my parents sent me into space because our planet was being destroyed by acid reflux. Through some miracle of chance, I landed on the planet Earth, where I was raised by a pair of homosexual mafia dons. Using my powers, I became Deadpool, protector of Truth, Justice, and the American Way, because with Great Power Comes Great Responsibility.

    Oh, you've heard this one?

    Fine, fine. The name's Wade Wilson. I was a mercenary. That means I did not-nice things to a whole lot of people. And by not-nice things, I mean I made them un-alive for money. Lots of money.

    I still do that, by the way. This story doesn't exactly have a happy ending.

    But then one day, I got cancer. To cure it, I left my beautiful girlfriend...or I was kidnapped...or I enrolled in a secret government program in Canada. Or...something. I don't remember. Anyhow, I was experimented on by this asshole named Francis. His name was definitely Francis. Now, Francis wanted to activate my latent mutant powers (Oh, I didn't mention I'm a mutant? Well, why should it matter? Racist.) But to do so, he had to torture me to force my mutant genes to trigger, because they could only activate in high-stress situations.

    Long story short, the torture worked, and activated my special snowflake mutant power, which is super-healing. Yeah, some people get claws or laser eyes or bird wings or lizard faces (look it up), but I never have to worry about a paper cut again. Or ritual beheadings.

    Oh, and it gave me perpetual cancer, made me look like a bucket of ugly, and drove me insane.

    Yaaaay!

    Now I operate around the world as the mercenary (see, I told you) Deadpool, killing people for money and spouting witty quips. Most of the money I make goes to pay my court fees though, because some asshole named Slade's been suing me since 1991.

    TL;DR: I never shut up and I can't be killed. Good luck.

    So it's time to get to the actual quest-y stuff. I live in the Marvel Universe, as many of you know, but there are a lot of 'Marvel' Universes, mainly because DC shat the bed in the 90's, and now all the cool kids are smoking the multiverse pipe. So go ahead and pick which universe we're going to carve mayhem in.

    [] The MCU: Oh, aren't you original. Yes, this is the Marvel Universe from the movies. Yes, with Robert Downey Junior and Chris Evan's abs and the cool Olsen Twin. I'm not in this one on the big screen because Marvel was a slut during the 90's, and sold my movie rights to the guys who did Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Squeakuel. If you vote for this, I get to be in the same universe as Scarlet Johansson, which is just the bee's knees, but I'm gonna lose a lot of my supporting cast, like Wolverine, or the other guys no one cares about. I get to hang out with my buddy Spidey, though, which is always a plus. But he's too young to get drunk, which sucks. And I think I'm attracted to his aunt.

    [] The X-Men Universe: This is the one with my movie. Y'know, the one you saw at the theaters last year with that one nerdy buddy of yours who was really upset that Cable didn't show up, and probably orgasmed during the end credits sequence. It's got all the X-Men you know and love: The blue chick who used to be Jennifer Lawrence, Sansa Stark, Captain Picard, laser eyes guy, the black lady with the lightning, the furry, magnet Gandalf, the list goes on! It's got all that awesome stuff you like, plus all my friends are here. Downside is, it's got no Spider-Man, and the timeline is crazy confusing. Pros are....oh, hell, you know what the pro is. It's got Hugh Jackman, and he made you cry in Logan.

    [] The Comic Universe: Home sweet home, the ol' 616, where everything's just as it should be! The Hulk's dead, Spiderman sold his soul to the devil, and Captain America's a Nazi. Wait, no, sorry, that's all bullshit and we're not doing it. The GM doesn't like any of that stuff and comics are hard and he doesn't have the time in his life to read all 900 back issues of Captain America to find out why the hell he's a Nazi now. Wait, why the hell is he a Nazi now?***

    [] Homebrew: The GM is a creative little guy, isn't he? He mixed together the MCU and the Fox movies into a nice tidy little universe, and spent an unreasonable amount of time making it all work timelinewise. Basically, you get everything from the first two options, together! But some things are changed around and moved. Things stay essentially the same, but you might run into some surprises, and I can't promise he hasn't wholesale forgotten about movies he barely watched (such as 2003's X2: X-Men United) or didn't like (such as 2003's X2: X-Men United) or just plain didn't understand (such as 2003's X2: X-Men United).

    [] Blank Slate: I don't know what this holds, and neither does the GM! It's a blank slate, our tiny little corner of the universe where everything's just getting started up. The basics remain the same, but anything else is up for change! Tony Stark just built a mecha in the desert in a cave with a box of scraps, but it's anyone's guess if he still looks like RDJ. Captain America just got thawed out, and we can promise he's not a Nazi, and nothing more! Pick this option to watch the GM mangle and distort over 70 years of comic book history!


    Oh, and if you haven't guessed yet, this is an M-Rated Quest.

    Ask your parents first.


    *Alternatively, you're thinking "Oh no, not another Telamon Quest, what's he gonna do about all the others?!" Well let me tell you, he doesn't know. It keeps him up at night. He's haunted by his past quests, but whenever he sits down to restart one, his resolve crumbles like the sugary coating on one of those weird curly cakes you get at carnivals. Don't ask him about it. He's very sensitive, and he might cry, and it'd be real awkward for everyone involved.

    **Not all of it, of course. A man's gotta eat. And poop. So mainly the Deadpooly stuff where I kill people. Weird how these Quests never cover the pooping and the eating.     ​

    ***Okay, so he actually did read all the back issues because he's Marvel's dirty, dirty whore. Long story short, Cap's a Nazi because the Red Skull manipulated a sentient Cosmic Cube into thinking Hydra were the good guys. The Cube changed reality so that the ultimate good guy, Captain America, was a Hydra sleeper agent. See, it's totally simple if you've been following comics obsessively for three years! Nerd.
     
    Last edited:
  • Threadmarks
    • [x] Blank Slate

    "Hello Deadpool, it's been a while since your last quest."
     
    Last edited:
    dunk1010 said:
    [X]Magic The Gathering
    Click to expand...
    Click to shrink...


    Please format your vote correctly, as MTG is not a correct choice.



    "While being a Plansewalker would be awful fun, I hate mana traps, and I'd run into that asshole Nicol Bolas sooner or later.

    Oh, and the GM sucks at MTG.

    You're probably gonna have to stick with one of the five four options you see up there."
     
    A new Telamon quest! :)

    [x] The MCU

    Most familiarity for meme-ing. And part of the fun would be to see all the terrible butterflies we create.

    Or alternatively:
    [x] Whichever setting that can help Telamon write a 150+ page quest thread.
     
    Oh I am slain! said:
    A new Telamon quest! :)

    [x] The MCU

    Most familiarity for meme-ing. And part of the fun would be to see all the terrible butterflies we create.

    Or alternatively:
    [x] Whichever setting that can help Telamon write a 150+ page quest thread.
    Click to expand...
    Click to shrink...

    Are you implying something?

    I feel like you're implying something, but I obviously have no clue what it is. :oops::whistle:

    Oh, and in other news, Blank Slate is ahead by five votes, with the MCU close behind.
     
    Reader mode
    You must login or register to reply here.
    Remove ads
    Back
    Top