The beginning

[Nick.Brown01234]

Pathetic" Xander watched Buffy cry tears of joy over as she craddled deadboy's body.

Why did he even like this girl?

Xander watched as she acted like he wasn't even there before glancing at the unstable portal to hell.

Xander glanced back at Buffy before shrugging "meh it's not like I'll be missed anyway's right?"

Just like that xander became a blur the portal closing the second it passed through the portal closed.

(Time skip)
"Aaaaaaaahhhhhh!" Xander screams as the hellflames lick his body burning him inside and out he then dies.

In the realm between life and death he awakens again.


"That was an incredibly stupid Idea." Xander thought to himself grimacing.

"Stupid, but brave!" a males gruff voice speaks from behind me My neck does a 180 faster than lightning it doesn't hurt because I'm dead well a ghost really but dead nonetheless.

"Who are you?"Xander asks curiously. Before his eyes wide. "are you God?"

He chuckles, "no I am your father, I am chaos"

"Chaos as in the greek primodorial chaos?"

He grins

"Yes"

Xander eyes widen "oh..."

"Fuck!"

 

[NakedFury]

The start of Sanders journey.

You must mean Xander.

King of Whirlpool with capital letters.

I am Chaos. With capital letter since this being is presenting itself and telling Xander his name, Chaos.

Overall too short, incredibly too short.

The Time Skip noticed is not needed at all, you don't have to put the word Time Skip following a time skip, specially a few seconds time skip, that is ridiculous. You just used words to indicate a time skip happened when you start describing the next scene or character thought.

The last few months have been tough Xander thought to himself. Is a perfect example of a time skip happening and the author informing us, the readers, without breaking the pace of the story with the word Time Skip.

Another thing, more details. Why was Buffy crying over Angel? Where was she crying over him? Was Angel dead or missing a chunk of body, was she hugging ash? What did Chaos look like? We have nothing to go on about him, at all. Where is Xander talking to his father?

Next time if you are going to post a 180 word first chapter you better have another 2 to 5k words Chapter 1 ready to hook readers in.

 

[Nick.Brown01234]

The start of Sanders journey. You must mean Xander. King of Whirlpool with capital letters. I am Chaos. With capital letter since this being is presenting itself and telling Xander his name, Chaos. Overall too short, incredibly too short. The Time Skip noticed is not needed at all, you don't have to put the word Time Skip following a time skip, specially a few seconds time skip, that is ridiculous. You just used words to indicate a time skip happened when you start describing the next scene or character thought. The last few months have been tough Xander thought to himself. Is a perfect example of a time skip happening and the author informing us, the readers, without breaking the pace of the story with the word Time Skip. Another thing, more details. Why was Buffy crying over Angel? Where was she crying over him? Was Angel dead or missing a chunk of body, was she hugging ash? What did Chaos look like? We have nothing to go on about him, at all. Where is Xander talking to his father? Next time if you are going to post a 180 word first chapter you better have another 2 to 5k words Chapter 1 ready to hook readers in. Click to shrink... I am sorry. You are right. I will edit it and make the chapters longer Thanks for the advise.