The Adventures of Kitty!Tale (Worm, Crack, Spinoff)

[iLikeTurtles1998]

This story is a spin-off of my Crack story Jurassic Worm. I'm adding in a few chapters from it as the prologue to this story, so you don't have to read Jurassic Worm to understand this story.

Spoiler: Summary

This tale features a Tattletale who has been given 'alterations' by the world's best healer, and is now for all intents and purposes the protagonist of an anime-like world, filled with all the cliches - overdone action scenes, impractical outfits, Tsundere, rivalries...you name it!

Prologue 1 of 3​

Amy was having the worst day ever.

First she had to deal with Dean constantly fussing over Vicky, as if they were dating or something. She knew they were, but pretended they weren't because it made her feel better. After dealing with them doing things like hugging, and kissing, in front of her, she just wanted somewhere less...stifling. So she decided to go shopping at the boardwalk, but to do that she needed money. To get money she had to go to the bank.

Oh, it hadn't been too bad at first. There was a long line, but that was to be expected for Brockton Bay's biggest bank. But right when she was about to withdraw her money, everything went dark and she couldn't hear.

She groaned and got to the ground, realizing what this was - a bank robbery by some new cape group. If everything went dark, that meant it was the power of Brew or something, from the Othersiders.

Then the darkness lifted and everyone could see again. There was some blonde in a purple and black costume standing in the middle of the room with a gun in her hand. Behind her was a guy in a motorcycle helmet, a girl in a dog mask, and a Ren-Faire reject.

"Alright people, you know the drill! We bust into your precious bank, relieve you of your hard earned cash, then we get away without anyone trying to be a hero! This isn't a movie, or a tv show, this is real life, and anyone who tries to do something stupid won't be tolerated. Don't worry, we'll be done in less than fifteen minutes, and as long as none of you get any dumb ideas you'll be fine. Now-"

She didn't get a chance to say anything more than that, as some giant bird-thing crashed through the skylight, raining glass everywhere. There was some dark-haired girl on it, hair flying in the wind as she let out a whoop of joy before they landed gracefully on the ground.

"ALRIGHT EVERYONE PUT YOUR...hands...up…" The girl who had jumped off the flying dinosaur faltered, looking around. "Am I interrupting something?"

The girl, Prattletale or something, pointed at the new girl. "Regent, deal with her! I said no heroes are going to save the day!"

"Oh yeah?" The girl advanced to Prattletale confidently. "Well I'm not a h-" she was cut off as she slipped on a tissue and faceplanted on the ground.

"Good work Regent!"

The villain rubbed the back of his neck sheepishly. "I, um, actually didn't do anything yet…"

Dinosaur-girl hopped back up to her feet. "A hero might not be saving the day, but I sure am!" She put two fingers in her mouth and blew, but only resulted in puffing her cheeks up and getting her fingers wet.

"Oh my god, haven't you ever whistled before?"

Dog-girl stepped up to Dinosaur girl and looked at her disapprovingly.

"Well I don't have much experience with whistling…"

"Look at me, this is how you do it. Put your fingers together like this." She put two of her fingers together, waiting for Dinosaur-girl to copy her. "Now put it in your mouth to push your tongue back, and blow like this. She produced an ear-piercing whistle that must have been heard miles around.

"Like this?" Dinosaur-girl tried to whistle but ended up puffing her cheeks up again.

"No, like this!" Another high-pitched whistle, more intense than the last one.

"This?" More spitting sounds.

"This!" An even more intense whistle that made me cover my ears with my hands.

"This?" This time she ended up getting some spit on the floor.

"THIS!" A whistle so powerful it made every mosquito in a five-mile radius explode into a fine cloud of pink mist.

"This?" The floor was coated in spit at this point.

"Ugh! I give up!" Dog-girl stormed back to her teammates. Amy was about to think about doing something to interfere with whatever they would do now that they were focused, but was interrupted by a text from Vicky!

---------------------------------

Hey, wyd?

---------------------------------

Thinking her reply over carefully, Amy responded.

---------------------------------

Nothing much. Some cape stuff is going on tho, u might want 2 help

R U in danger? Dean said there was something going on at the bank

---------------------------------


Amy didn't want to sound too desperate, but realized now was not the time to play hard-to-get.

Yea, u should probs come over.

Omw!

----------------------------------

Amy was interrupted from her thoughts about Victoria by the bickering of some of the capes.

"No, you can't just switch it up and decide to be a hero in the middle of your plan to rob a bank!"

"Why not? I get to have more fun this way!"

"You don't rob a bank to have fun, you go clothes shopping or something for fun!"

"But I don't like clothes shopping."

Prattletale stomped her feet. "Then do something else for fun, I don't care! But don't interfere in our plans!"

Dinosaur-girl went back to her pteranodon and laid a hand on its shoulder (did they have shoulders?). "If you want to rob this bank, you'll have to get past me first!"

Prattletale shrugged. "That's fine with me. Undersiders, attack!"

They dashed forward, but they were suddenly moving a lot less quickly than they should have. Like, a lot less quickly. Amy recognized this as Vista's work, and a treacherous smile found its way onto her face. The Wards were here!

"HAHAHA! You fools! You'll take minutes to get all the way to me thanks to my technology from Missy here!" She petted the head of some fucked-up chicken looking thing. "With these upgrades, you never stood a chance!" It chirped in agreement.

Dog-girl whistled and the dogs started running at dino-girl, but she waggled a finger. "Nu-uh-uh, HERE REX!" She spit on her fingers again in an attempt to whistle, but a dinosaur Amy recognized from an Earth Aleph movie as a velociraptor came charging in anyway. He knocked away one of the dogs, but two were still coming at her. She pulled out an obviously tinker-tech gun and pointed it at them. The space around them compressed, then expanded, resulting in them being shot straight into the air, crashing through the roof. Unbeknownst to Amy, Brutus was knocked right into Glory Girl during her flight, sending her careening into the bay.

Then without warning, the device allowing the Undersiders to move at a speed of an inch per second failed, sparking and stuttering. They fell flat on their faces as space returned to its normal, non-malleable state, but quickly recovered.

Dog-girl sent her remaining dog back into the fight, and Rex soon had his hands full. Missy the tiny dinosaur was leaping all around Regent and Brew, distracting and preventing them from doing any harm.

"We need backup!" Prattletale announced, before pressing some buttons on her phone. After about 5 and seven-tenths seconds exactly, a trash can crashed through the wall of the bank, creating an opening large enough for a floating, tentacled monster to float through. Some guy in a top-hat appeared where one of the hostages was, while the rest of the Travelers entered the normal way. Rex ran at Sundancer, but she created a miniature sun between them which melted the marble floor below them, stopping Rex in his tracks. He tried to find a way around, but the sun moved wherever he did, much like the real one did when your parents were driving you around as a kid and you looked at the sun appear to follow you - immediately followed by you starting to cry because you were staring directly into the sun like a doofus.

Ballistic was sending paperclips and other party favors in the general direction of the fight. The monstrosity that must have been Genesis was trying to grapple Panacea out of everyone, but dinosaur-girl smacked her with a fire extinguisher before extending a hand out to her. "Yeah, I know who you are. Wanna join in the fun?"

She really shouldn't, Amy had far too much responsibility to have fun like this, especially in the middle of a fight with a morally-ambiguous Master-cape. But then she realized she could think of it in one of two ways - either the Master-cape was powerful enough that it didn't matter what she wanted to do, so she might as well do it anyway, or the cape wasn't powerful enough to be scared of, and it couldn't hurt anything. And anyway, the cape was kind of cute… Amy reached a hand out to dinosaur-girl, but had it yanked away by Prattletale, who rolled onto the scene.

"Not so fast! There aren't going to be any alliances here! You…" She looked down at her hand, realizing she was holding onto Panacea's bare skin, but it was too late to do anything about it. With a quick thought, Panacea altered Prattletale's biology permanently, writing it into her DNA. Within seconds she had cat ears and a tail.

"Think about that next time you try interfering with a hero!" Panacea quipped before taking dinosaur-girl's hand and getting to her feet and joining the action. She dodged paperclips sent at her by Ballistic, and got to ride Rex into battle, giving him spikes on his tail just for the hell of it. Then the Wards arrived on the scene, with Armsmaster on his motorcycle in the front of the formation.

"Welp, looks like it's time for me to go!" Dino-girl exclaimed as she hopped onto the pteranodons back. "Wanna come with?" She held out her hand to Amy again, and for the second time that day, Panacea joined a maybe-hero maybe-villain cape. She hopped onto the dinosaur's back and it flew off through the hole in the roof. Missy jumped onto Rex's back, and the space ahead of them warped as they ran, making the dinosaur run at least ten times his normal speed.

"My name's Taylor, by the way."

"Amy."

Amy wrapped her hands around Taylor's waist as they soared through the skies. From up here, Brockton Bay didn't look nearly so bad. You couldn't see all the sick and dying people from this far up, and Amy could feel her guilts and worries fading away. They spent a while like this, just soaring through the air together without saying anything.

Taylor was the one to interrupt the silence. "Wanna get ice cream?"

"Fuck yes."

Amy was having the best day ever.

 

[iLikeTurtles1998]

Prologue 2 of 3​

Jim The Cop saw a shape move in the shadows.

"Hold on Carl, I think I saw something."

"No, it's just your imagination again. Remember that time you thought you were being followed by a cape, but it was a fox? It really…" Carl elbowed Jim, "...outfoxed you, huh?"

"Shut the fuck up Carl, I'm serious about this. Stay here and make sure no civilians get on the scene while I investigate."

"Sure thing boss!"

Jim grumbled to himself as he walked away, choosing to check out a nearby side-alley he saw the shape disappear into. He could still hear his Partner In Law Enforcement (the phrase didn't have the same ring to it as the more popular one, but using the phrase regularly was a new rule instituted by some Glenn guy from the PR department) making some shitty pun about alleys and allies. Fucking Carl.

Entering the alley, his eyes came to rest on a girl in a hoodie, covering her hair. There was a camera hanging from a strap around her neck - one of the old fashioned cameras that printed out your picture for you. Expecting some hardened criminal or parahuman, he was pleasantly surprised to see that it was just some short blonde girl. She looked to be the same age as Jim's own daughter, and certainly not a cause of alarm. Jim let his gun arm relax.

"Hey there kid, why were you darting around like that?"

She mumbled an answer that Jim didn't quite hear, so he asked her to repeat herself.

"I'm doing a...project. Yes, a project. I'm really into...paleontology, and dinosaurs and stuff." She rubbed the crook of her arm, adding to the charm. His daughter Katie really like dinosaurs when she was little, and being reminded of this filled Jim with a happy, nostalgic feeling.

"C-could you help me with the project? I just wanted some pictures of the footprint you're investigating…"

Jim thought about it, but saw no harm in letting the girl take some pictures. After all, it wasn't like there was any harm in it. Just a few quick pictures and she could go.

"Sure, come on."

The girl smiled in a way that was eerily similar to Katie, again giving him that nostalgic feeling, but he thought nothing of it at the time. As they walked to the scene, he felt something tug on his sleeve. The girl was pulling on a loose thread, but when she saw him looking she clasped her hand behind her back. She gave a nervous grin before looking away, and Jim chuckled. She took a few pictures of the crime scene and jogged away. Jim felt warm remembering his daughter being excited about dinosaurs and decided to take a quick look at one of Katie's baby pictures in his wallet.

Jim's wallet wasn't in his pocket.

*****​

Lisa decided to splurge her newfound cash on a drink. She had her fake ID on her, and decided to stop at Fugly Bobs bar area for a few drinks. Most people forgot that Fugly Bobs was actually part bar and part restaurant, which is why Lisa decided the internal monologue specifying that she would use their bar area was necessary. She couldn't wait to get something strong and very expensive.

"What can I get for ya'?" The bald man standing behind the counter asked. Lisa shifted on her seat to make herself more comfortable, a habit that was becoming all too common recently.

Lisa considered the options. There was the Pina Colada, or the Strawberry Margarita, or the Wrench. But she knew what she really wanted.

"Milk."

The man stopped wiping a glass. "What?"

"One milk, please. And warm it up."

The man raised an eyebrow, but had learned long ago that the best way to do business in Brockton Bay was not to ask questions. There were a wide variety of capes here, and that meant there were enough people who had odd diets that Mac kept a little of everything.

Lisa watched the glass fill, and tried not to lick her lips in anticipation. She slid a twenty across the counter and drank it the only way she knew how anymore, leaning her face over the glass and hiding what she was doing with her hood. She had to get her face close enough to the glass for her tongue to reach it, and to let herself do that surprisingly efficient method of licking up the milk to drink it. She had tried to drink things normally, but it felt like too much and made her gag.

Pulling a square of paper out of her pocket, Lisa investigated the footprint. It seemed to be bigger than any dinosaurs that ridiculous cape had summoned or created, and that meant she must have summoned another dinosaur. Obviously. But something about the footprint didn't seem right, and Lisa just couldn't put it together. Her power didn't work as well through pictures, but she had known she wasn't going to get much of a chance to see the actual footprint. Absent mindedly she heard a glass break.

"Hey, what was that for?" Lisa looked up from her picture and saw the bartender glaring at her.

"What? I didn't do anything!"

But Lisa realized that was wrong. She vaguely recollected her hand doing something while she wasn't looking, and saw the broken glass on the floor below her.

"Whoops. Uh, I gotta go!"

Taking off at a run, Lisa knew she had to avoid as much attention as possible. But her attempts at discretion were hampered by someone grabbing her hood. She choked to a stop, and heard a few more glass-breaking sounds as everyone turned to stare at her. The man let go of her hood, apologizing profusely. She saw a costumed man in red with a visor stand up, licking his fingers as he finished one of those Fugly Bob's specials where you get it for free if you manage to eat the entire meal. Lisa felt like she was going to panic, being in the rare situation where she didn't know what to say. Before she had a chance to think the man in red (whose name her power told her was Assault), was putting his hand on her shoulder.

"Hey, I'm sorry about what happened to you. If you'll come with me to the PRT building, we can see if we can find your past family. It almost never happens with you Case fifty-three's, but we might as well try, right?"

Lisa grabbed onto that idea of innocence and held onto it for dear life. "Y-yes, I've been so scared, I didn't know what to do…" She thought about her brother to bring tears to her eyes, enhancing her innocent appearance. The red-clad hero walked her out of the restaurant, and after a few minutes a PRT van pulled up.

"Come on in, we'll see if we can find your family for you. And if we can't, how would you like a place among the Wards? We can give you a home and training for your powers. What do you say?"

It had been so long since someone in charge had treated Lisa so nicely, and she accidentally let out a squeak (which sounded annoyingly like a meow) when she tried to speak. Instead of trying again and embarrassing herself more, Lisa nodded and stepped into the van.

 

[iLikeTurtles1998]

Prologue 3 of 3​

"This is the lounge room. You can hang out here when you want to relax, if you want. When you're not training or on patrols, of course."

Lisa nodded, letting her tail flick back and forth. Sometimes it would hit Assault, but he didn't seem to mind. They entered a hallway, and the doors had various cape names on them. They were themed around the cape who the door belonged to, with a clock taped to Clockblocker's door and some machinery around Kid Win's. There was also a nondescript door with nothing on it, but the name 'Browbeat' was written on it with marker.

"Well it looks like we have a spare room for you, so that's useful. Don't wanna have to share a room with anyone who decided to stay the night, right?" Assault elbowed Lisa playfully.

"But isn't this someone's room? It says Browbeat on it…"

The hero looked closer at the door. "So it does. That must be an old sign, because there's no Browbeat here today. You should ask Armsmaster he was, he'll know."

Lisa shrugged, ignoring her power's protests. It wanted to be used and tell her something, but Lisa knew learning something about some old Ward wouldn't be anything important. When she entered the room it was still covered in posters of scantily clad heroines and, including some swimsuit edition of a PRT cape calendar.

Calendar is used to encourage people to remember cape's names.

Lisa frowned. It was getting harder and harder to keep her power from telling her useless things, ever since Panacea had done...that...to her. It probably did something to her attention span.

Biological improvements decreased attention span.

Improvements?! Lisa fumed, and glared at Assault. She knew it wasn't his fault, but she was still mad that her power would think having a tail was an improvement.

"Well now that you're situated to your room, how about you meet the rest of the Wards?"

"Nya-yeah, that would be nice."

*****​

"It's so nice to have another girl on the team! And I always wanted a kitty!"

Lisa cringed away uncomfortably at Vista's hug, and was saved by Gallant.

"Missy, it's not polite to call people cats."

Gallant. Can see emotions. Dating Glory Girl. Allergic to cats.

Vista. Space manipulator. Manton limited. Loves cats.

"So, here I am. I guess." Lisa rubbed the back of her head, not knowing what to do. She hadn't expected any of this, and signing the papers to join the Wards had been ridiculously fast. All she did was write the chosen name Assault had suggested to her - Cheshire. It fit more than he realized, which was perfect. It turns out Case 53's aren't expected to give out much information about themselves, considering that they don't know much of it.

"Well we're glad to have you on our team…" Aegis prompted, so Lisa told him her new name. "We're glad to have you on the team, Cheshire. So, what are your powers?"

Lisa had prepared for this on the way there, and knew just what to say. A way of describing her powers that she never would have as a villain.

"I can draw conclusions from small amounts of information, in addition to whatever else my 'modifications' gave me.

"SHE'S A SUPER SMART KITTY!!" Vista grabbed Lisa in a hug again, squeezing so hard she found it hard to breathe. Lisa squirmed, trying to get out of the hug. When the pain disappeared, she opened her eyes to see that she had managed to wiggle out of Vista's grasp. She felt heat flush across her face.

"Vista! I told you it's rude to call people cats! Even if they look like them!"

This time it was the younger girl's turn to blush. "Oops! Sorry about that, Cheshire!"

Lisa couldn't find it in her heart to stay mad at the tiny Ward. Ruffling her hair, Lisa told her it was okay and not to worry about it.

One by one, the rest of the Wards introduced themselves, including a sullen Shadow Stalker still wearing her mask, who only took a moment to introduce herself before going back to shooting darts. Literally shooting darts at a dartboard with her crossbows. Her power said Shadow Stalker was good enough with the darts that she didn't have to worry about getting hit by one unless Stalker decided she wanted to hit Lisa with one, in which case she really did have to worry.

She was interrupted from her thoughts by the sudden buzz of a speaker.

"Czhkt. Attention Cheshire: please report to the Public Relations office on the sixth floor. Czhkt."

*****​

Lisa stepped into office number 66, and saw a man in unflattering clothes sitting at a desk with his hands clasped on the desk.

"Hello Cheshire, My name is Glenn Chambers, but you can call me Glenn, or just G if you want. We're all friends here, and the most important thing to me is that I help you. And by help you, I mean to help you look in a way that emphasizes your powers while clearly being a hero."

"Oh, thank y-"

"That's why I had some of my unpaid interns design a few costumes for you already. Some of the more ambitious ones haven't been physically designed yet, but thanks to the help of a rogue cape, we've been able to design you a few costumes already. We have this," he pulled a picture out of a folder and showed it to Lisa. "What do you think?"

"Uh, I'm not sure about that…"

"Okay let's pull out the big guns here, metaphorically speaking. We want something that makes you look noticeable. We'd have to get one of our tinkers to build you the rainbow exhaust fumes, but it could be done."

"No, I want to look-"

"Fabulous?"

"No!"

"Aw. You don't even want this one?"

"No! I don't want to look like something from out of one of those cartoons!"

"Um actually it's called anime, and-"

"I don't care! I'm not going out wearing something like that! I have a power that doesn't have to do with being a cat, and I will be respected! I'm not going to demean myself for the sake of PR! I am never-"

Lisa was cut off by the sound of sirens. Not the Endbringer sirens, but an alert that her power told her had to do with Raptor.

"Czhkt. Attention all Protectorate and Wards! Raptor has been sighted in a fight with the Empire Eighty Eight! All unoccupied heroes must attend this fight! Do not engage Raptor unless she engages you! This is not a drill, repeat, this is not a drill!"

Glenn Chambers grinned smugly.

*****​

Lisa arrived on the scene in the only available costume she was willing to wear outside, ready for anything. Except, of course, for the green beam of energy that slammed into her. She felt herself compress, expand back to normal length, and before she knew it she was a hundred feet in the air.

"NYAAAAAAAA!!! HELP ME!!!"

Aegis flew up to her, arms outstretched, but before he could reach Lisa a chunk of concrete slammed into him, pressing him into the side of a building.

Lisa squirmed in the air, knowing that these would be her last moments-

And landed on all fours on the ground, unharmed. She stood up and dusted off her costume, then started licking her arm clean before she realized what she was doing and stopped herself.

"I guess cats really do always land on their feet!"

Lisa slapped Dennis playfully. "That's not funny!"

"Considering the alternative would be you dying, I think it's fine."

"Hmph." Lisa crossed her arms with a pout. "Whatever."

Suddenly she saw a red dot on Dennis's forehead, and before she knew what she was doing he was on the ground under her. A moment later a shot rang out, and a hole appeared in the van.

Bullet would have hit Dennis if not for my intervention.

"Y-you saved my life…"

Lisa's cheeks flooded with heat.

"N-not because I l-like you, or anything!"

"What?"

"B-baka!"

Lisa suddenly twisted her body out of the way as a chunk of rubble flew past her. Holding a handful of pebbles was a guy in black, angular armor that her power conveniently told her was Ballistic. He sent more tiny projectiles at her, and every time Lisa was certains he was going to die. But she saw the pebbles moving at her in slow motion, about the speed of a paper airplane. She twisted her body again, and was just fast enough to avoid the pebbles.

The attacks made plumes of dust and fragmented concrete fly up around Lisa, but she was too busy to care about that. She was completely focused on avoiding the devastating attacks. But as she watched a soda can fly past her face in bullet-time, Lisa realized she didn't have to be completely on the defensive. She gave her trademark Vulpine Grin and zig-zagged toward Ballistic. His attacks were becoming more and more desperate, and finally she darted past him, grabbing his throat with her tail. Slamming him to the ground, she heard a cheer from the sidelines. Clockblocker was clapping his hands loudly and embarrassingly, so she ignored him, dragging Ballistic to the van.

"You should probably get him in handcuffs or containment foam or whatever you do."

"Aye aye Cat-tain!"

She batted Dennis in the nose with her tail before running back to the action. It was time to have some fun.

Less than five seconds after re-entering the field of battle, she came face to face with Rex the Velociraptor. He snapped his teeth at her, but Lisa was confident in her newfound abilities. She faked left and went right, pushing the dinosaur as she went along. She heard a satisfying thunk as he hit the ground, and took some zipties out of somewhere on her costume and bound his feet together. Putting her hands on her hips, she thought of a witty superhero line.

"You're bound to lose if you do evil deeds like that!"

There was a collective groan from the rest of the capes, allies and enemies alike. Her enhanced ears (the cat ones, not her human ears. She had two sets of functional ears) heard Dennis whisper "I think I'm in love!"

She blushed, but the fighting started up again. Her blood was smart enough to know that spending time in her cheeks wasn't going to help keep them alive, and so it decided to do the more productive strategy of actually supplying oxygen to her muscles.

She leapt into action again, zip-tying criminals to each other and having a wonderful time until she heard some panting and loud, heavy footsteps bounding down the road.

She recognized that sound; Bitch's dogs were coming! Without further ado, the dogs crashed through a brick wall, and Lisa's hair stood on end reflexively. Bitch got off her dog, hopping to the ground coincidentally close to Lisa. Bitch saw her and her eyes narrowed.

Dog psychology - will attack if you blink. Recognizes you. Human psychology - will attack even if you don't blink.

Lisa scrambled to a lamp post as one of the monstrous dogs chased after her. She climbed her way to the top in seconds, but Judas was still barking ferociously at her. Grue whispered something to Bitch, and Lisa focused her ears.

"She's not attacking you Bitch, lay off."

"No, she betrayed us!"

"She wouldn't do that! She obviously has something else planned. We'll just have to trust her."

Lisa did not, in fact, have anything malicious planned. She couldn't stand staying around Bitch and her dogs any longer. The smell made her nervous, and she could always smell the dogs inside the base. She couldn't simply leave, so joining the Wards was the safest thing to do. That was totally why she joined the Wards and helped fight the villains so easily. It most certainly was not because of wanting to spend time around Dennis, y-you baka! >~<

That line of thought was cut off by a shrill whistle from Raptor. With her enhanced eyes (she only had the normal, albeit enhanced eyes, don't worry) she could see the morally ambiguous cape slide a whistle down her sleeve.

There were some regular crashing sounds, as if something very large were walking towards them. Which, of course, there was. A very big dinosaur in a top hat with a teacup delicately held in one hand emerged from around the corner of the block. He swept his gaze over the entirety of the capes who had taken a break from combat to stare at it.

"Mwahaha! Behold, my Tea-Rex!"

The Tea-Rex seemed to be analyzing something. His talons moved as if he was doing some complicated calculations in his head. Which of course he was doing - after all, it wasn't like he could write the problems on paper in the middle of battle. Also he crushed any pencils he tried to hold. He had tried to write some complaints to the pencil company, but was obviously hindered from doing that as well. Lisa frowned - why was her power telling her this?

With a swing of his arm, the teacup came flying towards her. She reflexively jumped away, and accidentally landed on Judas's head. Judas shook her head, and Lisa went flying off. She landed with a thud against the boot of a car, unlocking it. The car accelerated, the impact having jostled a few wires and starting it up, leading to it slamming into Alabaster. He crashed through the windshield, ending up in the driver's seat of the car. He panicked and turned the wheel away from slamming into Kaiser, which made it skid and roll over. Hookwolf was trapped under the broken car, and Alabaster's resetting wasn't allowing him to leave. While everyone was watching this happen, the Tea-Rex threw his top hat at Trickster.

It is a known universal law that there is only so much undue aristocracy that a single person can physically possess at a time. If one person attempts to contain too much aristocracy for his socio-economic stature, very Bad Things will happen. Of course, if one is deserving of, say, a top hat and a monocle, they can have both just fine, but if one who is only aristocratic enough for a top hat but not a monocle puts on the monocle, said Bad Things happen. This is why the teenage children of rich parents will only go shopping in groups, to spread out the wealth and aristocracy among many individuals safely.

Trickster was already wearing a top hat, which was stretching the limits of his aristocratic capacity. When the second top hat flew onto his face, the amount of aristocracy in his Aristocratic Field doubled. Both top hats blasted away from him leaving trails of gold dust through the air. His power went haywire as he was teleported back and forth across the battlefield, before finally teleporting into a PRT van, where he was promptly sprayed down and blinded.

Not willing to participate in such an unfair battle, the villains who were still capable of doing so ran or flew away. When the Tea-Rex looked at Ballistic, he mumbled a quick prayer and used his power on his shoes, blasting through the sky. Raptor took a long look at Lisa and chuckled to herself, before turning the Tea-Rex around and stomping away.

As the PRT soldiers cuffed the various villains, Lisa took the opportunity to go back to relative safety by the rest of the Wards - namely Dennis.

Dennis was the one to interrupt the silence. "Wanna get ice cream?"

"Fuck yes."

Lisa was having the best day ever.

 

[iLikeTurtles1998]

Chapter 1​

Lisa was enjoying the vanilla ice cream that Dennis had bought her. They were sitting in the food court of Brockton Bay Mall, under some umbrellas that were meant to look good rather than protect against the rain. Lisa's power told her the umbrellas wouldn't stop much water if the rain somehow got through the roof. The food court was jungle-themed for some reason, filled with tropical fake trees with lights in them and robotic parrots.

"Uh, Cheshire?"

Lisa finished savoring the milky flavor of the vanilla ice cream. "Yeah?"

"Do you want a spoon?"

Lisa felt herself blushing (something she could have sworn didn't happen nearly as often before Panacea did this to her. It was annoying at first. It was still annoying, but she felt it was necessary to include that it was also annoying at first. If she got her chance to get revenge on Panacea without it being suspicious, she would lap up that chance like a bowl of milk. Lisa realized she already finished her ice cream while lost in her revenge fantasies against Panacea.

"Wow, you must've been hungry, huh?"

"Nya-Yeah! That was a lot of, you know, exercise to do. You know, when I…" she saw Dennis smile (he was probably trying not to laugh at her!) and couldn't think of the words. "When I did the thing!"

"You mean when you fought Ballistic and a dinosaur?"

"Yeah!"

"That'll take a lot of you. I once had to fight Leet, a no-name Tinker villain. He and his buddy make videos of their crimes based on videogames, and that time they decided to base it off of dinosaurs. I don't know how he did it, but he made a robot dinosaur with a bunch of moving separated parts, and my power couldn't work on all of it at once. He showed up, and so I decided to…"

Lisa let Dennis ramble on about his fight with Leet. They were both in civilian clothes (thank god), so she could see his face. This turned out to be a problem when she realized she had started daydreaming solely about Dennis's face. With a mental slap to the face, she payed attention again.

"-and he said 'I wouldn't marry her to inherit a thousand dollars!'. Of course, that was all a distraction for Aegis to dropkick him into the bay. You know that feeling?"

She did not.

"I do, it's like we can relate to each other through common experiences!"

Lisa did not have much experience with flirting, and was taking hints heavily from her power. Which, of course, decided to start only giving her facts about the ice cream she just ate.

"Yeah, I guess you could put it that way. ...hey, have you ever wondered why Case-"

But he didn't get to finish his sentence, because the power went out and people started screaming. Lisa could see just fine, but everyone else was bumping into each other and running around, generally being a useless crowd of completely disposable characters, were something murderous to happen. For example, if the Slaughterhouse Nine were to attack this particular place at this particular moment. If that did happen, Lisa would have been able to see the Siberian's black and white striped form rip through people casually, obliterating everything in her way. She would be able to see Crawler crash through the wall, looking for a fight. She'd see Mannequin being terrifying, flopping around in that terrifying porcelain-doll way. She would have grabbed Dennis and pushed him onto the floor, where they would both blush and start making out. He would profess his undying love for her, and she would hesitatingly do the same for him. Not because she didn't like him, but because she didn't want him to think she liked him, and habits are hard to break. They would kiss under the flashing lights of Burnscar's attacks, teleporting between different flaming areas, the cries of the dying and doomed around them as one of the most dangerous S class threats attacked Brockton Bay.

Luckily for everyone, this was not the case. Instead it was Uber and Leet, a threat not dangerous enough to warrant proclaiming your mutual undying love to each other.

"Behold, puny normals! The genius of the best Tinker in the world, Leet, and his faithful sidekick and best friend, Uber!"

The screaming died down in what Leet falsely knew to be awe, and Uber correctly knew to be relief. Leet took this as his cue to talk some more.

"Cower in fear as you behold my latest creation! The food-inator nine thousand! Once I activate it, it will convert all the food in this room into…"

There was a pause. A cricket started chirping, but was embarrassed that no one else joined in.

"Into..."

Uber looked confused, and whispered something to Leet. Leet whispered something back, and Uber slapped himself in the forehead. He pulled a pair of drumsticks from somewhere unseen and started a drum roll.

"It will convert all the food in this room into...school cafeteria lunches!"

The screaming began again.

"What will we eat?" A panicking woman held her 96 month old child in her arms and ran for it.

"We're gonna starve!"

"Oh no!"

Leet stood triumphantly, basking in the chaos. "Your pizza will turn to brick! Your soup will be undercooked and overcooked! Your sandwiches will be partially frozen, as hard as ice in the center! Any milk will spoil!"

Someone had his phone out and was talking to what appeared to be the PRT, a factor Leet hadn't considered when he made this plan.

"Yes hello, a villain is threatening to turn all our food into toxic waste! Brockton Bay Mall, the food court! And hurry!" The blast of a laser knocked the cell phone out of the civilian's hand.

Lisa just stared into space, wide-eyed. The milk was going to spoil? She knew she didn't want to play into the stereotype, but she was so overcome with rage that she had to do something!

She caught the phone between two fingers with lightning-fast reflexes, and stood up from her seat.

Dennis grabbed her arm, giving her goosebumps. "You don't have to do this! The PRT will be here to take care of him soon! You don't have to put yourself in danger for these people!"

"I'm sorry Dennis, but I have to do this." She stepped forward and ripped off her hoodie, revealing her cat ears and a pink outfit that she didn't remember putting on. It showed off far too much of her than she wanted, despite covering more than a lot of the girls her age here had on. The air seemed to sparkle around her as everyone watched her, time seeming to pass in slow motion. She gave off a brilliant glow and shook her head a few times, long perfectly-done blonde hair waving as if in the wind, despite there being none inside.

Lisa blushed a little, but that was perfectly natural when you're about to yell at someone who didn't give you the opportunity to profess your undying love to someone.

"And why do you think you'll get away with that?"

Leet looked startled. "What?"

"You think you can get away with whatever you want, just because you have powers? You think you can spoil our food without trouble? Think again, mister!"

With this she sprinted forward, arms extended straight behind her for aerodynamics. She dodged a few laser blasts from Leet by a hair's width before pouncing on him. She managed to scratch him a few times, but two hands grabbed her from behind. Without warning Lisa found herself flipping through the air. She landed on her hands and feet with a hiss, looking for who did this to her.

Uber was picking Leet up and helping him to his machine. This could not be allowed.

Lisa ran at Uber, but at the last second he reached over his shoulder, grabbing her hands, and flipped her through the air. She crashed into the wall, but recovered quickly enough. Seeing Leet's laser gun lying on the ground, she ran past it, picking it up with her tail. A quick smack to the head and Leet was out, but Uber pulled out his own Tinker gun. Lisa stopped in her tracks, ready to dodge. Uber chuckled and pointed it behind him. Lisa was confused. What was he planning on shooting behind himself? He couldn't possibly aim at it.

A red dot appeared on the far wall.

A heartbeat later it was in her reach, but she just couldn't get it. She put her hand on top of the dot, but it stayed on top of her hand anyway. The dot started running away, speeding across the wall.

Lisa barreled past tables, knocking down chairs, using crouching people as leverage to jump at the dot. But she couldn't get it!

The dot zipped up the wall, and Lisa found herself at the top of it. She started to slip, and grabbed onto a tall tree. She hugged it for dear life, terrified of the fall that she knew wasn't enough to kill her. She could see Uber put the gun in his pocket and pick up Leet.

"Hey, since he's out anyway, let's not activate the machine and say I did, okay?"

There were murmurs of agreement, and Uber wheeled the machine away with him and his friend.

Drats! They got away!

And now Lisa was stuck. But she wouldn't call for help. She didn't need anyone to help her.

*****​

Dennis was worried. He hadn't seen Cheshire in a while. He figured she'd meet up with him after Uber and Leet left, but she hadn't shown up. He had seen her run at Uber, but after that she was a blur and he lost sight of her in the darkness.

"Hey Dean, have you seen Cheshire lately?"

"Not since that fight with that British dinosaur."

"Okay, thanks anyway."

"Wait Dennis, you can't find her. Think about it - she doesn't have any memory from before a few weeks ago, so where would you go if you were lost in an unfamiliar city?"

Dennis thought about this. "The videogame store."

"No, if you weren't you. Think of it as if you were Cheshire."

"I guess I'd probably...wait where I got lost…"

"That's right."

"Shit!"

*****​

"Hey Cheshire, you're not mad at me, are you?"

She crossed her arms, turning her head away. "I don't care."

"Do you want me to help you down? I could get Chris to help you with his hoverboard."

"I don't need help!"

"Ookay...then why are you still up there? I assumed you were waiting for me..."

Cheshire blushed. "N-no! Why would I be waiting for you? ...I'll come down when I feel like it!"

"...Do you feel like it?"

"...Yes."

"Then come down."

"Okay, fine, I'll take your help. But not because I need it, or anything! And not because I want you to help me, or anything!"

Dennis smiled.

Lisa blushed.

Scion picked her up and set her on the ground, then flew away in a streak of golden light.

There was a minute of silence.

"Don't you dare tell anyone about this."

 

[Finbar]

Lisa the Tsundere Catgirl......

Amy REALLY fucked with her brain!

If she ever realizes this, Lisa may get horrible revenge, likely by hacking up a hairball onto her pillow.

 

[iLikeTurtles1998]

Chapter 2​

"You told everyone!?"

All day people had been asking Lisa about what had happened. Dennis rubbed the back of his head awkwardly.

"Well you see, Gallant can sense emotions, so whenever someone has a secret, he has to assume that if they don't tell him it, that he has to enact Master/Stranger protocols."

Lisa crossed her arms. "You're lying."

Dennis smiled sheepishly. "Okay I couldn't help it. It was Scion! How could I not tell people?"

Lisa had to admit that was reasonable enough. She wasn't going to admit it though, as contradictory as that may be.

"Hey, you're not too mad, are you?"

"Hmph!" Lisa turned her head away.

They were walking down the street, and while looking away, Lisa didn't see the light post she bumped into.

"Now!"

Someone put a potato sack over Lisa's head, and Dennis was swearing as he was held back by two people holding cling wrap. Lisa was shoved forcefully into a vehicle, which immediately sped off at a reckless pace. There was some cursing going along, and she heard someone mention something about "that damn catgirl".

Lisa squirmed and tried to get out of the grip of her captors, but they started scratching behind her ears, and Lisa found her eyes getting heavier as she fell asleep…

*****​

"Wake up," a cold, frighteningly familiar voice said to Lisa's ear. Immediately she perked up, recognizing the voice.

"No…"

"Oh yes, for it is I, the famed and feared Coil! For years I have been amassing my strength, plotting behind the scenes like the proverbial puppeteer of the strings, the strings being parahumans and my many, many trained soldiers."

"Wha-"

"I know you are scared, for people fear the unknown," he gestured to himself, "and I am certainly unknown... but know this, my lovely Cheshire, I am on to your secret!"

"Y-you are?"

"Oh yes, it was quite obvious. With my men in the PRT and on the streets, an attempt at fooling one with my genius is simply the most foolish thing one can do. For yes, I do know your secret, Cheshire, and it shall be revealed to the world, unless you comply with my demands!"

Lisa thought about everything she had gained in the past three or so days. She made friends in the Wards, got a nice bed, nice food, plenty of milk...not to mention Dennis...because he's funny, not because Lisa likes him or anything, okay?!

Lisa sighed. "Okay, what do you want me to do?"

"Very good, my dear Cheshire. If that even is your real name!"

"Of course it's n-"

"YOU CAN NOT FOOL ME! I control the powers of FATE ITSELF!" He coughed. "Ahem. But that's besides the point. I have a specific parahuman under my thumb who has gone missing recently. I hear you have quite the Thinker power, Cheshire. I would like you to track down my missing Tattletale."

"Wha-why of course, I'll help you find her, yeah."

"Good! And remember, if you don't comply with my demands, I will destroy you! Now, what supplies will you need to track her down?"

Lisa paused for a moment to think. "I need a pair of binoculars, two telescopes, some duct tape, fifty gallons of nitroglycerin, and a prosthetic leg. And a bowl of milk."

"Consider it done."

*****​

Lisa was busy building a 'Thinker Tracker' out of old microwave parts and a blender. A satellite dish popped out of it and began surveying the area before hiding back inside the machine. It emitted lights and sounds at random, which was a surprising amount of function considering Lisa knew nothing about building machines.

"So, how's it going along?"

"EEK! Get away from me you perve- oh it's you."

A bruised Trickster was standing in the doorway, leaning against the wall and swinging his top hat around a finger.

"Yes, it's me. Heard you're the new big name in town, so I figured I'd introduce myself to you."

"Oh it's okay I-"

Lisa was cut off as music to play from an unknown source. Trickster spun his cane around a hand as he walked down the stairs, streams of fire being shot up next to him by a frustrated looking Sundancer. Streamers started falling from the ceiling, and confetti was shot all over the place at ridiculous speeds by Ballistic.

"Ladies and gentlemen, I would like to introduce to your friends and captors tonight! With me I have the bashful yet stunning Sundancer, whose radiance is second only to her ten thousand degree sun! We have the dashing Ballistic, whose wit and cunning are only slower than his attacks! And we can't forget about Genesis, who seems to change her appearance as often as Ballistic changes his underwear!" There was a laugh from an unknown audience at that. "And there's, well, Noelle, but she's feeling a bit under the weather tonight…. Which brings us to the star of tonight," by now Trickster had reached Lisa's spot, "The purr-fect Cheshire!" Lisa groaned.

"Are you done? I was trying to build a Thinker-Tracker, but you being here made the readings go negative and shorted it out."

The music abruptly stopped, and Trickster looked like he was at a loss of words. "....Coil wanted you to know that you can talk to him if you need more materials." With that done, he turned around with an audible huff and sauntered away, cape flowing behind him like a bad hair day in the wind.

The Genesis and Ballistic left soon enough after that, leaving only Sundancer reading a book in a corner. When she noticed Lisa's staring, she said "Coil wants one of us watching you at all times."

Lisa shrugged. "Fair enough."

Sundancer went back to reading.

Lisa went back to work.

Time passed.

And passed some more.

"So...how's the building going?"

Lisa looked up. Sundancer was standing in front of the machine, helmet tucked under her elbow. Her blonde hair flowed as she shook her head, trying to get a hair out of her face. It sparkled off the light from the ceiling, glitter flying through the air.

"It's going...okay…"

"You're not building anything, are you?" Sundancer had a sly smile on her lips.

Lisa considered denying it, but it was so obvious there was no point. "You're right. I don't know how to build anything, I'm just wasting time until someone comes and rescues me from here. And if you try to tell Coil that, I'll stop you. Don't think I won't, Sundancer."

She shrugged. "I wouldn't bother. And call me Mars. What should I call you?"

"I don't really have a civilian name…."

"Ohmygod I'm sorry! It just slipped my mind, I swear!"

Lisa laughed. "Don't worry, I'm not upset."

"Oh, that's good." Mars sat on the machine, dangling her legs. "I still need to call you something though. A real name, not just Cheshire. How about...Sarah! You look like a Sarah to me."

Lisa tried to hide her shock. "Um, yeah, sure. That works, I mean."

"Great! So, when do you think your rescuers will be here?"

"I have no idea. Clockblocker should've gotten here by now."

*****​

Dennis was busy at the moment, and in far more danger than Lisa was.

"Get off me! Get away!"

The sound of clucking filled Dennis's ears as he was swarmed with hens. He kicked one, and thirty more came running around the corner. He broke into a run.

There's an interesting thing about running. Humans are the best creatures on the planet at endurance running. Humans aren't faster than many animals at a sprint, but given time, can hunt down any mammal and make it die of exhaustion. The thin hairs, ability to sweat, and ability to hold water and track down prey makes humans the best tracking species for when an animal really needs to be hunted down. Or, for example, when one needs to run away from a pack of mammals, a human could simply run long enough that the pursuing mammals got tired, quit, or their hearts explode.

Of course, when Dennis broke into a run, it was hopeless. For you see, chickens are not mammals.

Dennis's screaming filled the streets as he froze his outfit in panic.

"All I did was kick a chicken!"

The sounds of clucking drowned out his screams.

*****​

"...I don't think he's going to be coming here soon."

"Why do you say that?"

Sarah rubbed the back of her head. "My power, it tells me Clockblocker's gonna be out of action for a while."

"Oh, that's too bad." Mars set down her cards. "Ha! Straight flush!"

Sarah grinned and laid out her cards. "Royal flush!"

"WHAAA?!" Mars fell backwards on her chair, feet hanging in the air as birds floated around her head. "But how???"
Sarah giggled and shrugged. "I guess I'm just lucky!"

Mars pouted and crossed her arms. "Hmph! More like you were cheating!"

"It's not that hard to cheat when the deck is only face cards, you know."

Mars blushed. "Y-yeah well, I wanted to make it interesting! I don't have to explain my choice of cards to you!"

"But you just did."

A sweat drop materialized in the air behind mars. "W-whatever!" She glared at Sarah, who glared back. This lasted maybe three seconds before they both had giggling fits at how serious they were trying to be.

Mars' phone started buzzing, and she stood up to take the call.

"Hello? No, she hasn't tried anything...Yeah, her machine's going great, but there's still a lot to go." The machine was currently being used to shuffle the deck. "...No, she's not forcing me to say this." She sighed. "Marissa, alpha deta frog gemma. See, she's not making me do anything...sure, I'll tell her."

Mars slipped the phone in her pocket. "Coil wants you in his office."

Sarah grimaced, but went off to find Coil anyway.

Sarah got to Coil's office door, but hesitated before knocking. There were muffled sounds coming from the inside.

"I've been expecting you, my cat...No, that's not right. Behold, it is I! No, no…"

Sarah knocked, and there was the sudden sound of shuffling and putting things in place.

"Come in."

Sarah opened the door to see a large office chair concealing who was on it, the back facing her. It slowly spun around to reveal Coil in his skintight snake suit, petting a cat that kept trying to bite his hand.

"Ah, Cheshire, I've been expecting you."

"Um, yeah. Okay…"

Coil seemed annoyed at her (lack of) response, but composed himself quickly.

"It has come to my attention that people are going to realize you're gone. That's why I'm going to send you back to the PRT, along with an escort to make sure you don't try to do anything clever. You're going to be my new mole in the Wards."

"New mole in the Wards?"

Coil stiffened. "Did I say new mole? What I meant was...mew...mole...because of the sound a cat makes, you know, mew."

Sarah nodded slowly. "Riiight."

Coil clapped his hands together. "Right! Now, I need to make sure you're not too comfortable when you're away from my base, so I'm going to choose your escort for you. How have you liked Sundancer?"

"Oh, she's very terrible, I just hate her. She's so cruel and strict, and doesn't let me try and escape. Don't choose her, please!"

"Aha! You fool, I was asking you that question so I could choose someone you don't like! You fell right into my trap! Your escort shall be Sundancer, and she will join the Wards at your recommendation. She is going to watch you and make sure you do nothing suspicious, got it!"

Sarah tried her hardest to look upset. "Got it."

"Good! It's already been too long, so I'll be sending you with Sundancer. Her hero alias shall be...Sunny. Now move along, before I decide to punish you for….bad cat-titude!"

The multiverse let out a collective groan.

Before Coil could torture her with puns any more, Sarah left to get Mars.

"Hey, Coil says you basically have to join the Wards and 'keep an eye on me'" she made finger quotes at that, and Mars smirked.

"Okay, I'll make sure you don't get into any trouble. Let's go."

And so Sarah left Coil's base, the totally canon Fortress Construction basement, with her new best friend.

 

[NecroMac]

That's quite crazy ride here.
I kinda though that Coil would keep her as his evil mastermind mandatory cat to pat when heroes appear.

 

[PossiblyEnos]

That's quite crazy ride here.
I kinda though that Coil would keep her as his evil mastermind mandatory cat to pat when heroes appear.

Click to shrink...

He can't. She's not cat enough and too much teenage girl for him to keep her on his lap. He'll need to up his dirty old man image first.

And the last time he tried she dug her claws into his thigh so deep he still has the scars to show.

 

[ptbptb]

He'll need to up his dirty old man image first.

Click to shrink...

Didn't he keep a young girl locked away on addictive drugs in canon? How much more dirty old man does his image need to be?

 

[PossiblyEnos]

Didn't he keep a young girl locked away on addictive drugs in canon? How much more dirty old man does his image need to be?

Click to shrink...

It's not as if it was widely known. It's all about presentation, dude. It isn't enough to do the deed, people need to tweet about it and share crappily photoshopped memes of it on facebook.

Talking of tweets, better keep Lisa far away from Canary.

 

[dracklor]

Has... has Calvert been sniffing paint? Or has Amy tagged Coil too at some point?

 

[iLikeTurtles1998]

Has... has Calvert been sniffing paint? Or has Amy tagged Coil too at some point?

Click to shrink...

It probably has something to do with his plan to hold the world ransom for ONE MILLION DOLLARS going wrong.

 

[Centergg]

So crack'y... I like it.
Btw i think Coil and others act like in anime because of strange steam from Raptor's lab. Like in FLCL.