A collection of wacky one-shot crossovers in the Super-Wackos of EVA series.
Super-Wackos of EVA: The One-Shot Anthology
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NERV's Screaming with Binky
*Disclaimer: I own nothing of Gainax/Khara, Film Roman, or Paws, Inc. For purposes of adding to the authenticity of the crossover, the events described below are to be imagined in the visual style of Jim Davis.*
The shot opened on Tokyo-3, the sound of the Angel alert system blaring across the city-so loudly, one could even hear it from the top of Mt. Fuji. Many buildings were retracted underground, leaving only a small swath of dummy skyscrapers that were disguised weapon emplacements. Into this scene, narration began as a certain title graphic appeared over the shot.
Garfield [showing as much enthusiasm as he can muster--which is barely]:
"Just when you thought it was off the air for good, 21 years later and it's time for:
Screaming with Binky"
"Just when you thought it was off the air for good, 21 years later and it's time for:
Screaming with Binky"
The scene cut to a shot of a certain orange-furred cat with black stripes, sitting in a deck chair on a hill on the outskirts of the city. He was observing the goings-on with a pair of high-powered binoculars when he turned his attention towards us.
Garfield: "Here we are in the fortress city of Tokyo-3, Japan. (Gee, I wonder what happened to 1 and 2...) Why a fortress city? Because it's also the epicenter of mankind's battle against the alien monsters strangely dubbed 'Angels', for some reason. Any time one of these rejects from Toho's studio backlot comes to town, the United Nations special agency NERV--what the name stands for, I have no clue--deploys its equally-colossal fighting machines known as the Evangelions, piloted by a specially-selected group of teenagers (only one of which with attitude). Let's watch as they get in position."
The minute he said that while looking back through the binoculars, three lift chutes opened in the streets of Tokyo-3, revealing the aforementioned Evangelions. The trio was made up of the blue, one-eyed Unit-00 piloted by the stoic, red-eyed, blue-haired girl named Rei Ayanami; the two-eyed, one-horned, fighting purple people-pleaser Unit-01, piloted by the timid, brown-haired, cobalt-eyed boy Shinji Ikari; and the four-eyed red menace Unit-02, piloted by hot-headed, redheaded, blue-eyed girl named Asuka Langley Sohryu.
The three giant mechs, once plugged into their power cables, exited their lifts and headed towards the weapons lockers closest to their respective positions, as directed by their immediate commanding officer, Major Misato Katsuragi, who dished out her orders and battle tactics from the bridge of Central Dogma, located in the underground headquarters of NERV known as the Geofront. Handling matters on the support side of things were NERV's chief scientist Dr. Ritsuko Akagi, and carrying out the support functions were members of the bridge crew of computer technicians, such as Lts. Makoto Hyuga, Maya Ibuki, and Shigeru Aoba. Observing all this from their particular perch were the heads of the entire globe-spanning organization: Supreme Commander Gendo Ikari (cold and distant father of Shinji) and Vice-Commander Kozo Fuyutsuki (Gendo's former college professor).
All eyes on the bridge observed on the main monitor as the Evangelions each picked up their weapons and got into position behind a dummy skyscraper, having been instructed to observe as their target made its way towards Tokyo-3. Eventually, said target appeared in their sights: the Angel in question looked like an exact double of Sachiel, the very first Angel Shinji had fought when he had first come to Tokyo-3. The only difference was the entirety of the creature was colored in obnoxious neon green, hot pink, and highlighter orange; the one trait shared with its predecessors was the ruby-red core in the middle of its chest, just like Sachiel.
"All right, guys," Misato said over the comms. "Like the old saying goes, don't fire till you see the whites of its eyes."
On hearing that, Shinji grew confused. "Um...Its eyes are completely black."
"Just a technicality," Misato stated. "Basically, wait until I give the word before you three turn Sachiel-lite into Swiss cheese."
"Roger," the pilots all replied. The wait was tense as the Angel lumbered ever-closer to the edge of the city. Then, just as the creature was taking another great step forward, crossing over into the city streets proper...
Garfield [voiceover]: "All right, cue the clown."
Suddenly, popping out of the window of a dummy building near the creature was the colorfully-crazy personage that was Binky the Clown, a big, eager grin on his face.
Binky the Clown [at the top of his lungs through a megaphone]: "HEEEEEEEEEEEYYYYY MONSTER!"
On hearing this, the badly-startled Angel yelped, jumped up a la Charlie Brown and fell on its back, leaving quite an imprint in the pavement; the creature saw stars and tweeting birds dance around its face, its eyes having gone spiral-shaped like in many a 'typical' anime series. The Evangelion pilots, as well as the crew and command staff watching from the bridge, were stunned and speechless, their mouths agape at the frankly bizarre thing they just bore witness to.
Binky the Clown [still speaking through the megaphone]: "You sure you're in the right place? I thought these were Godzilla's stomping grounds!" [Binky then proceeded to honk a clown horn through the megaphone, further stunning the Angel, before he ducked back into the building and closed the window.]
Garfield, observing from his spot on the hill through the binoculars, was a tiny bit surprised at the turn this Angel attack had taken.
Garfield: "Huh. Who knew he was good for something after all?"
Misato, sensing an opportunity, issued new orders to the pilot. "Shinji, I want you to get the progressive hammer and a prog-spike from the weapons locker and make your way to the Angel. Once there, you'll use the hammer to carefully tap the spike into the core. Asuka, Rei, you two will keep your weapons trained on the Angel just in case it tries anything funny."
"Roger," all three pilots once again affirmed. Unit-01 soon reached the locker and traded in its pallet rifle for the hammer and spike Misato had described, and carefully tiptoed its way to the collapsed Angel; Unit-00 and Unit-02, still holding their own weapons, followed suit and tiptoed on each side of Unit-01. Unit-01 crouched down and held the tip of the spike over the center of the core. Unit-00 and Unit-02 kept their weapons trained on the Angel, never moving from their spots.
Before Shinji did anything else, Ritsuko spoke into the comms. "Remember Shinji, carefully tap the spike into the core--any sudden thrusts will result in the usual type of explosion that comes with an Angel's destruction."
"R-roger that," Shinji nervously affirmed. "(No pressure.)" He swallowed and then began to gently tap the hammer onto the spike's head, carefully driving it bit-by-bit into the core after the point had penetrated its surface.
Suddenly, without warning, Binky the Clown popped up between a surprised Misato and Ritsuko, and grabbed the mic on the console.
Binky the Clown: "HEEEEEEEEEEEYYYYY KID!"
"GAH!" a badly-startled Shinji blurted out, the knee-jerk reaction causing him to swing the hammer down fast and fully pound the spike into the core. Once again, anyone not Binky the Clown was stunned speechless (even Rei, who normally gave off little-to-no emotion), while Binky himself made a quick getaway before anyone could do anything else. Then, all eyes noticed the core begin to grow brightly, which meant only one thing.
Asuka, her expression shifting from bewilderment to frustration, looked in our direction and said only five words that dripped with venom: "I really, REALLY hate clowns."
*KABOOOOOOOOM!*
A cross-shaped explosion lit up the city streets and sent all three Evangelions flying, the trio eventually landing a few yards from the imprint of what used to be the Angel. Once the explosion subsided, the Evangelions slowly got up and looked at the mess made by the destruction of the Angel. They then looked down to where Binky the Clown was standing at the edge of the creature's imprint. Binky gave the Evangelions a side-eye glance.
Binky the Clown [chuckling obnoxiously]: "How'd you like that? The big guy really went out with a big bang! Get it?!"
Unfortunately for Binky, the pilots, as well as those on the bridge, if their un-amused glares indicated anything, weren't in a joking mood. Before Binky knew it, all three giant mechs pointed their weapons at him, fingers on the triggers.
"Commander," Rei tersely began to ask, "permission to eliminate new target?"
Gendo, his expression mirroring those of his subordinates, minced no words in response: "Permission granted."
The minute that order was given, Binky, a sheepish grin on his face, gave a little wave goodbye and immediately made a run for it as he dodged the Evangelions' fire left-and-right.
Binky the Clown: "Aw, c'mon, guys! Aren't I kinda beneath you in terms of threat level?!"
The pilots paid him no heed as they continued to chase after him as they exited the city limits.
Back on his hillside observation spot, Garfield watched all this, a hint of amusement in his demeanor.
Garfield: "Whoops--looks like I spoke too soon." [He then turned to face us.] "We'll be right back...possibly without Binky making much of an impact."
THE END.
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NERV Gets Split
*Disclaimer: I own nothing of Warner Bros., Hanna-Barbera, or NBC.*
Ritsuko, for once, was feeling quite worried. Also for once, it had nothing to do with anything NERV-related. No, what was worrying her was something on the more casual side of things:
She'd forgotten to buy a gift for Maya's birthday. It was something she always went out of her way to do, considering Maya was the best assistant she had. Unfortunately the work that was involved in fixing up the MAGI (if not most of HQ's electronic infrastructure) in the wake of the Eleventh Angel's invasion had taken a lot out of everyone involved, herself included, so it was natural that a detail like this might get lost in the shuffle of an all-nighter or two.
Ritsuko was now going over a number of possible solutions to the dilemma at hand, including making a brief run out to downtown during lunch to find something last-minute. It was while she was lost in her thoughts that she nearly overlooked a strange, glowing green envelope that appeared on top of a table at a sidewalk café she was passing by. Stopping to give the object a curious look, she picked it up and examined its back before flipping to its front, where she found written in sparkling lettering:
The answer to your current predicament.
Hand this to the birthday girl, and she--along with everyone else, yourself included--will get one unforgettable surprise.
Good luck!
Hand this to the birthday girl, and she--along with everyone else, yourself included--will get one unforgettable surprise.
Good luck!
Normally Ritsuko, woman of science that she was, would've really regarded this with enough skepticism to fill an Evangelion's entire internal battery. But Ritsuko, more importantly, was human, and in her present state of mind, therefore desperate enough to not look this particular gift horse in the mouth. She pocketed the envelope and hurriedly continued on her way to HQ, hoping whatever was in the envelope would be good enough for her kohai.
NERV HQ, later that day...
During a lull in the work being done around HQ, a number of staff took some time to give Maya a little celebration outside in the Geofront greenery, just to get away from the drabness and overly-technological atmosphere. The three Evangelion pilots were also present at tactical ops director Misato Katsuragi's insistence; in spite of her reluctance, one pilot, the redheaded and haughty Asuka, admittedly wouldn't turn down an opportunity for free cake.
Choosing a moment when she wasn't in the middle of conversing with a coworker, Ritsuko approached Maya and tapped her on the shoulder.
"Oh! Sempai, I was wondering where you were," Maya said with a slight start.
"Let's just say I'm not breaking my streak any time soon," Ritsuko confidently replied before reaching into her lab coat's pocket and handing Maya the green envelope. "Happy birthday, Maya."
Maya, smiling appreciatively, gladly took the proffered envelope from her sempai (which, Ritsuko noticed, now strangely read on the front "For the Best Assistant a Girl Could Ask For") and opened it. She then removed the card, which read on the cover:
A quizzical look on her face, Maya opened the card up, and soon the entire area was engulfed in a dazzling flash of light, something that caught the attention of NERV supreme commander Gendo Ikari all the way up in his dark and, frankly, uninviting office. When the flash subsided, all present on the grass were met with a very jaw-droppingly astonishing sight, as music and a certain song began filling the air...
Tra la la, la la la, la
Tra la la, la la la, la
Tra la la, la la la, la
Tra la la, la la la, la
Tra la la, la la la, la
Tra la la, la la la, la
Tra la la, la la la, la
The staff watched as four brightly-colored, oddly-patterned custom Amphicat six-wheel drive all-terrain vehicles whizzed and zoomed all over the Geofront greenery. Each Amphicat was driven by a cartoony-looking, anthropomorphic animal, all of whom wore a red and yellow hat that wouldn't be out of place with a marching band. The animals themselves consisted of a dog with a big red bow tie; an orange ape with a black mop top haircut, white-rimmed sunglasses, and a yellow vest; a lion with a red nose and yellow-rimmed square sunglasses; and an elephant with little pink round sunglasses, a green vest with yellow highlights, and polka-dots in his ears.
One banana, two banana, three banana, four
Four bananas make a bunch, and so do many more
Over hill and highway the Banana Buggies go
Coming on to bring you The Banana Splits Show
The four Amphicats soon parked themselves in front of the still-surprised audience as their drivers jumped out, musical instruments in-hand, and began playing along and goofing around to the song still playing in the air.
Making up a mess of fun
Making up a mess of fun
Lots of fun for everyone
Making up a mess of fun
Lots of fun for everyone
Commander Ikari, having exited the building to investigate the strange events going on outside, walked over until he was within viewing distance of some of the staff members, including the pilots, one of whom being his son, the quiet and shy Shinji; and another being his ward, the blueheaded and stoic Rei.
Tra la la, la la la, la
Tra la la, la la la, la
Tra la la, la la la, la
Tra la la, la la la, la
Tra la la, la la la, la
Tra la la, la la la, la
Tra la la, la la la, la
"Just what on Earth is going on-?" he grumbled to himself before his train of thought was interrupted by his being hit on the head with, of all things, a guitar.
The noise got the attention of Shinji and Rei, whose eyes widened with further surprise on seeing the Commander beaned and sporting a dazed and goofy look on his face. The now-unconscious Commander was then carried off by, what Rei could have sworn were, an anthropomorphic white horse wearing a black hat, mask, and cape; and a short, brown, equally-anthropomorphic burro wearing a yellow sombrero and neckerchief. While the glimpse of those two wasn't enough to get a reaction out of Shinji, the sight of his father (with whom he didn't have the best of relationships with) getting bonked in an example of the most basic form of physical comedy was enough to get the boy laughing heartily for the first time in a long while, to the point where he couldn't stand up. Rei, on the other hand, chalked what befell the Commander up to whoever brought about the current festivities not wanting him to ruin the mood.
Speaking of the festivities, Maya was absolutely over the moon by what she was seeing, a sight Ritsuko was awestruck by. She remembered Maya telling her about how her mom had been a fan of The Banana Splits ever since she watched imports of the show as a little girl, and how she'd passed that fandom onto her daughter, to the point where Maya had a plushie set of all four Banana Splits at her apartment.
Four banana, three banana, two banana, one
All bananas playing in the bright warm sun
Flipping like a pancake, popping like a cork
Fleagle, Bingo, Drooper, and Snork
All bananas playing in the bright warm sun
Flipping like a pancake, popping like a cork
Fleagle, Bingo, Drooper, and Snork
Ritsuko was soon brought out of her awestruck feeling by Maya giving her sempai quite a hug.
"OHMYGAWDthisisthebestbirthdaygiftI'veevergotten!" Maya enthusiastically stated at an uncharacteristically fast pace. "ThankyouSempaiTHANKYOU!"
"Um, sure," a bewildered Ritsuko managed to get out. "No trouble at all." BIG thanks-a-million to my mysterious benefactor, whoever you are...she thought to herself.
Tra la la, la la la, la
Tra la la, la la la, la
Tra la la, la la la, la
Tra la la, la la la, la
Tra la la, la la la, la
Tra la la, la la la, la
Tra la la, la la la, la
Unknown to Ritsuko, said mysterious benefactor was floating up above near the Geofront ceiling, observing the events down below. The little green man with the antennae-sporting helmet and collared cape was grinning at the little moment of joy he 'helped' facilitate.
"You're quite welcome," the Great Gazoo said, before he threw us a knowing wink.
Tra la la, la la la, la
Tra la la, la la la, la
Tra la la, la la la, la
Tra la la, la la la, la
END.
Tra la la, la la la, la
Tra la la, la la la, la
Tra la la, la la la, la
END.
NERV Gets Weird - One(-Shot)-Point-Oh
*Disclaimer: I own nothing of Gainax, Khara, or the material and discography of Mr. Alfred Matthew Yankovic. For further purposes of humor, the events below are to be imagined in the art and animation style of J.G. Quintel (Regular Show, Close Enough). This one-shot was originally intended to be published on December 4th, Asuka's birthday.*
"I got that she made it, okay?!" Asuka said vehemently into the phone. "Dammit, Misato, don't keep calling me over every little thing!"
Asuka slammed the phone back onto the receiver, and collapsed face-first onto her bed. Her room was an utter mess, a result of her earlier tantrum. A coffee mug lay broken in pieces, a couple of magazines had been torn to shreds, and one of her throw pillows had been ripped, the stuffing leaking out. Asuka had really gone to town on her room, all because of her anger both at everything going on her life, and at Shinji. Anger she couldn't even vent at him...because presently, he wasn't around. In the battle with the 14th Angel that occurred weeks ago, once again she tried to prove her worth as a pilot. She gave everything she got in facing the beast, and all it got her was her EVA's arms and head sliced off.
"To think..." she lamented. "To think I couldn't do anything! I can't believe I lost to that stupid Shinji!"
Once again, Shinji came to the rescue, his sync rate having climbed beyond the threshold. The resulting berserk EVA-01 completely eviscerated the Angel, but at a great cost, as the staff at NERV found after bringing the EVA back to HQ. Shinji's sync had caused him to be absorbed into the EVA's very core, and since then, for the better part of two days, every effort had been directed at trying to get him out; it was going to take a while. Misato hadn't been back to the apartment for all that time, and probably wouldn't be, since she was the most worried for Shinji. Asuka was left alone, her mood swinging between more than a few extremes. She'd always been hard on other people, especially the Third Child. Truthfully though, there was only one person she'd been harder on the most: herself. She'd felt humiliated by her loss against the Angel, and her self-confidence took a dive; the fact that it was Shinji again who saved her, took the kill, the glory that should be hers due to her experience and superior skill, served to pour more salt in the wound.
"I hate this!" she cried to no one, seeing how, aside from Pen-Pen, she was the only one in the darkened apartment. And the worst part of it?
Like another famous fictional redhead, it seemed that everyone had forgotten her birthday.
Before Asuka could resume her sulking, her phone rang, much to her continually-growing ire. Almost reluctantly, she answered it.
"I told you to stop calling me over every little thing, Misato!" Asuka irately yelled into the phone.
"Asuka, get down here, right away," Misato ordered, a hint of concern in her voice. "It's urgent!"
"Define 'urgent'," Asuka bit back through gritted teeth.
"A large package was found in the middle of the EVA cages," Misato explained. "Asuka, please get down here and see it."
"Why should I?!" the redhead barked.
"There was a note attached to it," Misato answered concernedly. "'Only the birthday girl gets to open this.' Seriously, Asuka, we have no idea what it is, and you're the only one whoever put it there wants opening it. We've already swept it for anything that might be explosive, it's harmless-but we're still erring on the side of caution here."
All that served to stir Asuka's curiosity somewhat. "...*SIGH* Fine, I'll be down there," she said before hanging up the phone.
Moments later, thanks to some swift transportation from Section-2, Asuka dashed into the EVA cages, where she saw that almost all staff were present and still studying a very large box that was set in between the gantries for both her Unit-02 and the still-being-repaired Unit-01. Even the commanders, Kaji, and Rei were present, as they too had grown quite curious over this strange development.
Asuka walked up to where Misato and Dr. Akagi were standing. "So this is what's got everyone paranoid?" she asked bitterly.
Dr. Akagi nodded. "In spite of all that we've experienced for most of this year, it was the strangest thing-one minute we're in the middle of repairs to Unit-01 for the salvage operation, the next minute this big box, for lack of a better term, suddenly appears right here."
"And with that note I mentioned to you," Misato added as she pointed to the note in question. Asuka walked up and noticed a cord underneath the note, and, with a bit of hesitance, yanked it towards her. The box started to shake, causing her and the others to slowly back away, until finally, each side of the box fell outward and revealed the contents within.
To the surprise of everyone, what was in the box was a gigantic birthday cake, with 'Happy Birthday Asuka' written across its three tiers in icing. A projector also appeared from behind the cake and started to warm up. Everyone who saw this couldn't have been more stunned, especially the birthday girl in question.
"...Huh. Someone actually did remember," Asuka muttered. Then, to everyone's further surprise, the sound of a drum set began filling the air, soon followed by an electric guitar and a bass guitar, and then by...an accordion?
Suddenly, someone with curly brown hair and wearing a loud Hawaiian shirt popped out of the top of the cake, playing the accordion with a big, toothy grin on their bespectacled, mustached face. It didn't take long for someone among the crowd to recognize them.
"...'WEIRD AL' YANKOVIC?!" Asuka said, dumbfounded. The jaws of the others merely hung open, shocked as they were by the least likeliest of people to ever appear in NERV HQ, let alone the Geofront. As for the visitor of the hour, he soon launched into a song that proved quite fitting for the day, just as the projector behind the 'cake' fully turned on...
Happy birthday!
Happy birthday to YOU!
['Al' points to Asuka, who in turn points questioningly to herself.]
Happy birthday!
Happy birthday to YOU!
['Al' jumps out of the cake and starts manically dancing around while singing and playing his instrument.]
Well, it's-time-to-celebrate your birthday, it happens every year!
[Shoves a sprig of broccoli into Rei's mouth and drops a metal keg into Misato's arms, surprising both.]
We'll eat a lot of broccoli and drink a lot of beer!
You should be good and happy that there's something you can eat--
A million people every day are starving in the street!
[Projector shows an image of Asuka's father with her stepmother.]
Your daddy's in the gutter with the wretched and the poor,
['Al' holds up an x-ray machine of some sort in front of Unit-02's core, revealing Kyoko Zeppelin Sohryu, caught off-guard by her sudden reveal to Asuka and the others.]
Your mama's in the kitchen with a can of Cycle Four!
[Projector shows the 'bloody' waters surrounding what used to be Antarctica.]
There's garbage in the water,
There's poison in the sky,
I guess it won't be long before we're all gonna die!
Happy birthday!
[Points to Asuka.]
Happy birthday to YOU!
Happy birthday!
Happy birthday to YOU!
['Al' then crouches down next to Asuka and swiftly puts a party hat on her head.]
WELL, what's-the-matter little friend, you think this party is the pits?
Enjoy it while you can, we'll soon be blown to bits!
['Al' drops a number of folders into the hands of Asuka and the other NERV staff, all labeled 'SEELE's Human Instrumentality Project'.]
The monkeys in the Pentagon are gonna cook our goose...
['Al' then pops up next to Commander Ikari and swiftly pulls off the man's right glove, revealing the embryonic form of Adam the First Angel grafted onto his palm, to everyone's great shock.]
Their finger's on the button, all they need is an excuse!
['Al' then sidles up to Misato and directs hers and Kaji's attention to the projector, which now shows images of an invasion of the Geofront by the JSSDF.]
It doesn't take a military genius to see
We'll all be crispy critters after World War III!
There's nowhere you can run to, nowhere you can hide--
[The projector then shows the nine Mass Production Evangelions landing in the Geofront, weapons at the ready.]
When they drop the big one, we all get fried!
Come on, boys and girls, sing along, okay?
Happy birthday!
['Al' points to Asuka.]
Happy birthday to YOU!
Happy birthday!
Happy birthday to YOU!
['Al' tosses an electric guitar towards Lt. Aoba, who instinctively catches it with surprise.]
(WOOOOOW!)
[Aoba's hands, to his own shock, soon begin moving on their own as he shreds his way through the song's guitar solo. While that's going on, 'Al' tosses an accordion towards Rei, who also instinctively catches it and soon, much to her own astonishment, begins 'shredding' her way through the accordion solo portion of the song, ending it with a flourish as she lands in a splits position.]
['Al' begins popping up randomly among the NERV crowd.]
Well, there's-a-punk in the alley, and he's looking for a fight...
There's an Arab on the corner buying everything in sight...
There's a mother in the ghetto with another mouth to feed...
Seems that everywhere you look today there's misery and greed.
[The projector begins showing images of Third Impact as seen in The End of Evangelion.]
I guess you know the earth is gonna crash into the sun,
But that's no reason why we shouldn't have a little fun!
['Al' crouches down next to Asuka again.]
So if you think it's scary, if it's more than you can take--
['Al' hands Asuka a plate with a slice of birthday cake on it, a lit candle sticking up on the top.]
Just blow out the candles, and have a piece of cake!
['Al' leaps back onto the top of the cake he popped out of.]
Happy birthday!
['Al' points to the still-dumbfounded Asuka.]
Happy birthday to YOU!
Happy birthday!
Happy birthday to YOU! (WOOOW!)
Happy birthday!
Happy birthday to YOU!
Happy birthday!
Happy birthday to YOU!
Happy birthday to YOU!
['Al' points to Asuka, who in turn points questioningly to herself.]
Happy birthday!
Happy birthday to YOU!
['Al' jumps out of the cake and starts manically dancing around while singing and playing his instrument.]
Well, it's-time-to-celebrate your birthday, it happens every year!
[Shoves a sprig of broccoli into Rei's mouth and drops a metal keg into Misato's arms, surprising both.]
We'll eat a lot of broccoli and drink a lot of beer!
You should be good and happy that there's something you can eat--
A million people every day are starving in the street!
[Projector shows an image of Asuka's father with her stepmother.]
Your daddy's in the gutter with the wretched and the poor,
['Al' holds up an x-ray machine of some sort in front of Unit-02's core, revealing Kyoko Zeppelin Sohryu, caught off-guard by her sudden reveal to Asuka and the others.]
Your mama's in the kitchen with a can of Cycle Four!
[Projector shows the 'bloody' waters surrounding what used to be Antarctica.]
There's garbage in the water,
There's poison in the sky,
I guess it won't be long before we're all gonna die!
Happy birthday!
[Points to Asuka.]
Happy birthday to YOU!
Happy birthday!
Happy birthday to YOU!
['Al' then crouches down next to Asuka and swiftly puts a party hat on her head.]
WELL, what's-the-matter little friend, you think this party is the pits?
Enjoy it while you can, we'll soon be blown to bits!
['Al' drops a number of folders into the hands of Asuka and the other NERV staff, all labeled 'SEELE's Human Instrumentality Project'.]
The monkeys in the Pentagon are gonna cook our goose...
['Al' then pops up next to Commander Ikari and swiftly pulls off the man's right glove, revealing the embryonic form of Adam the First Angel grafted onto his palm, to everyone's great shock.]
Their finger's on the button, all they need is an excuse!
['Al' then sidles up to Misato and directs hers and Kaji's attention to the projector, which now shows images of an invasion of the Geofront by the JSSDF.]
It doesn't take a military genius to see
We'll all be crispy critters after World War III!
There's nowhere you can run to, nowhere you can hide--
[The projector then shows the nine Mass Production Evangelions landing in the Geofront, weapons at the ready.]
When they drop the big one, we all get fried!
Come on, boys and girls, sing along, okay?
Happy birthday!
['Al' points to Asuka.]
Happy birthday to YOU!
Happy birthday!
Happy birthday to YOU!
['Al' tosses an electric guitar towards Lt. Aoba, who instinctively catches it with surprise.]
(WOOOOOW!)
[Aoba's hands, to his own shock, soon begin moving on their own as he shreds his way through the song's guitar solo. While that's going on, 'Al' tosses an accordion towards Rei, who also instinctively catches it and soon, much to her own astonishment, begins 'shredding' her way through the accordion solo portion of the song, ending it with a flourish as she lands in a splits position.]
['Al' begins popping up randomly among the NERV crowd.]
Well, there's-a-punk in the alley, and he's looking for a fight...
There's an Arab on the corner buying everything in sight...
There's a mother in the ghetto with another mouth to feed...
Seems that everywhere you look today there's misery and greed.
[The projector begins showing images of Third Impact as seen in The End of Evangelion.]
I guess you know the earth is gonna crash into the sun,
But that's no reason why we shouldn't have a little fun!
['Al' crouches down next to Asuka again.]
So if you think it's scary, if it's more than you can take--
['Al' hands Asuka a plate with a slice of birthday cake on it, a lit candle sticking up on the top.]
Just blow out the candles, and have a piece of cake!
['Al' leaps back onto the top of the cake he popped out of.]
Happy birthday!
['Al' points to the still-dumbfounded Asuka.]
Happy birthday to YOU!
Happy birthday!
Happy birthday to YOU! (WOOOW!)
Happy birthday!
Happy birthday to YOU!
Happy birthday!
Happy birthday to YOU!
"HAPPY BIRTHDAY!" 'Al' and his unseen band all cheered as the song reached its finish with his usual kick, before he popped back into the giant cake. On the final note of the song, 'Al' suddenly popped back out and gave Asuka a mild pinch on the cheek. "AND A PINCH, TO GROW AN INCH!" he let out, before popping back into the cake again.
Aoba and Lt. Hyuga carefully walked over to the cake and looked down the hole 'Al' had popped out of, only to find nobody there, which served to further spook everyone. Then, they suddenly remembered a more important detail, as all eyes soon turned towards Commander Ikari, looking more nervous than usual. He turned to Sub-Commander Fuyutsuki, as if asking for any suggestions.
Fuyutsuki, having long grown tired of all the secrets and lies he found himself party to because of his former student's actions and decisions, sighed, put both hands in his pockets, and gave him a tiny smirk that said 'I told you so', before he finally spoke. "As a wise bandleader might have said...Ikariii, you've got some splainin' to do."
-X-
Meanwhile, observing all this from another plane of existence were the true culprits behind Asuka's very unusual birthday surprise: a small group of various mythological tricksters, all hanging around the water cooler as they took in the success of their handiwork. Loki of the Norse, Eris of the Greek, Sun Wukong of the ancient Chinese, Wisakedjak of the Navajo, and Anansi of Africa were all laughing heartily at what they'd just pulled off, having decided a short while ago that the world following Second Impact had just been too damn miserable for so long and needed something to shake it out of its doldrums. Hence, the weird little surprise they left for the humans battling the (not-really-)Angels. It was soon agreed among these tricksters that they'd have to do this again sometime...
-X-
In the midst of all this, within the core of Unit-01, Yui Ikari all of a sudden shuddered while in the middle of a game of mahjong with her presently-trapped son, Shinji.
"Mom? Something wrong?" he asked curiously.
"I sense a disturbance in the order of the universe," she replied, looking out towards a part of the core where she could perceive the goings-on of the outside world. "...Oh, dear."
"What? What is it?" Shinji probed.
"Let's just say that your father's comeuppance came a lot earlier than expected," she answered.
Shinji, mildly surprised by this, soon sported a look of indifference as he shrugged. "Meh, serves him right," he said before he swiftly laid down his next tile in triumph. "Mahjong!"
Yui, surprised by her son's win, chuckled a little as she began shuffling the tiles for their next game. "Heh, seems I've taught you well. Oh, I also happened to notice, apparently it's Asuka's birthday today."
Shinji's eyes widened on hearing that. "Crap--note to self, once out of the core, get her a belated birthday gift..."
END.
*"Weird Al" will return in "Super-Wackos of EVA: Rebuild of NERV Gets Weird"!*
*"Weird Al" will return in "Super-Wackos of EVA: Rebuild of NERV Gets Weird"!*
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NERV Gets Smothered with Sherman
*Disclaimer: I own nothing of Gainax, Khara, or the repertoire of Tom and Dick Smothers, or the discography of Allan Sherman. The following is dedicated to the memory of Tom Smothers.*
A spotlight shone on the stage in the auditorium as Rei, on guitar, and Shinji, on standing bass, began their act for the open mic night. Rei opened with a brief strum, before singing the lyrics for the first part of the medley.
Rei (with a teeny bit of an Irish lilt, for some reason):
She wheels her wheelbarrow,
Through streets that are narrow,
Her barrow is narrow, her hips are too wide.
She wheels her wheelbarrow,
Through streets that are narrow,
Her barrow is narrow, her hips are too wide.
Shinji grew surprised on hearing this, but managed to keep plucking at his bass. With a small hint of hesitation, he joined her in the song.
Rei and Shinji:
So wherever she wheels it,
The neighborhood feels it,
Her obi keeps scraping the homes on each side.
A few chuckles escaped from the audience.
Rei:
In Kyoto's fair city,
Where girls are so pretty,
My Maki stands out 'cause she weighs eighteen stone.
Rei [to the audience]: "To clarify, that is two-hundred and fifty-six pounds."
Rei and Shinji (the latter a bit sheepish):
I don't mind her fat, but...
It's not only that, but...
She's cockeyed and muscle-bound, just Maki alone.
Shinji [confusedly looking to Rei]: "Are you sure those are the lyrics?"
Rei: "They were in the book you asked me to check out."
Shinji [with a hesitant shoulder shrug]: "Okay then..."
The two then moved on to the next snippet in the medley, a fitting one for this time of year.
Rei:
I know a man, his name is Lang,
And he has a neon sign.
Rei and Shinji:
And Mister Lang is very old,
So they call it 'Old Lang's Sign'.
I know a man, his name is Lang,
And he has a neon sign.
Rei and Shinji:
And Mister Lang is very old,
So they call it 'Old Lang's Sign'.
Shinji again turned to Rei, a puzzled look on his face.
Rei: "Is something the matter?"
Shinji: "It happened again--I could've sworn that particular song had different lyrics."
Rei: "You instructed me to study the book carefully in preparation for this performance. I am simply following what I read."
Shinji [again hesitant]: "...Well...all right, then."
Rei then took the lead on the next part of the medley.
Rei:
Oh what have you done, Roshi-san, Roshi-san?
Oh what have you done, Master Roshi?
You took almost every cent
From West City's government,
Which you spent on ladies' undies--waste of Zeni!
Oh what have you done, Roshi-san, Roshi-san?
Oh what have you done, Master Roshi?
You took almost every cent
From West City's government,
Which you spent on ladies' undies--waste of Zeni!
More chuckles escaped from the audience, much to Shinji's continued confusion. He then took the lead on the next section of the medley.
Shinji:
All day, all night, Morimoto.
That's all I see on Iron Chef, is Morimoto.
What can he do that I can't do solo?
Big deal, big star, Morimoto.
All day, all night, Morimoto.
That's all I see on Iron Chef, is Morimoto.
What can he do that I can't do solo?
Big deal, big star, Morimoto.
Shinji, still feeling a bit uneasy on the lyrics, shrugged as he handed things over back to Rei.
Rei:
Oh, the moon is bright tonight upon the car wash,
So I'm having my Renault washed again.
Rei and Shinji:
But the way things go with me, the way my luck is,
Just as soon as they're finished, it will rain.
Shinji [looking at Rei]: "Seems more like a Miss Misato thing."
Rei [looking back at him]: "Based on past conversations, indeed."
Speaking of, at her apartment that very moment, Misato Katsuragi, just as she was taking a sip from a can of Yebisu, suddenly sneezed, spilling the contents down the front of her favorite top and causing her to briefly curse.
Rei:
On top of Old Smokey,
All covered with hair...
Of course I'm referring,
To Smokey The Bear.
On top of Old Smokey,
All covered with hair...
Of course I'm referring,
To Smokey The Bear.
Rei briefly held up a sign of the iconic ursine spokesman in question.
Shinji: "This next portion comes from an old American folk song called 'Aura Lee'."
Rei:
Every time you take vaccine,
Take it orally.
Shinji became surprised on hearing this, while more of the audience laughed out loud.
Rei:
As you know the other way,
Is more painfully.
As you know the other way,
Is more painfully.
Shinji [a tiny bit flabbergasted]: "Rei, I said 'Aura Lee'."
Rei: "I thought you had said 'orally'. They do sound the same."
Rei moved on to the next portion of the medley.
Rei:
My grandfather's clock was the best ever made,
By the Timex company.
Just like the watch on that brand-new anime,
Last night on the old TV.
Rei and Shinji:
Oh, it works underwater so perfectly,
And it still makes a ticking sound.
Which my grandfather tried only this afternoon,
And that's how the old man drowned.
My grandfather's clock was the best ever made,
By the Timex company.
Just like the watch on that brand-new anime,
Last night on the old TV.
Rei and Shinji:
Oh, it works underwater so perfectly,
And it still makes a ticking sound.
Which my grandfather tried only this afternoon,
And that's how the old man drowned.
Shinji [surprised]: "Well, that got dark all of a sudden."
Rei: "Are you okay to continue?"
Shinji: "It's--it's fine. I think it's my cue this time...?"
Shinji then took the next brief snippet.
Shinji [puzzled as he realized what the lyrics were about]:
Do not make a stingy sandwich,
Pile the cold cuts high.
Customers should see salami,
Coming through the rye.
Do not make a stingy sandwich,
Pile the cold cuts high.
Customers should see salami,
Coming through the rye.
More laughter erupted from the audience, to Shinji's continued befuddlement, as he and Rei took on the next portion together.
Rei and Shinji:
Oh, I diet all day and I diet all night,
It's enough to drive me bats!
Got no gravy or potatoes,
'Cause the whole refrigerator's
Full of polyunsaturated fats.
Fare thee well, Metrecal,
And the others of that ilk...
Let the diet start tomorrow,
'Cause today I'll drown my sorrow
In a double malted milk!
Oh, I diet all day and I diet all night,
It's enough to drive me bats!
Got no gravy or potatoes,
'Cause the whole refrigerator's
Full of polyunsaturated fats.
Fare thee well, Metrecal,
And the others of that ilk...
Let the diet start tomorrow,
'Cause today I'll drown my sorrow
In a double malted milk!
A short burst of equal parts laughter and applause erupted from the audience before Shinji next spoke into his mic.
Shinji: "And now, the finale--an old spiritual piece."
What came out of Rei's mouth next proved to have nothing spiritual about it.
Rei:
When you go to the delicatessen store,
Don't buy the liverwurst!
Rei and Shinji (the latter dumbstruck by what he'd just heard, yet following along out of obligation):
Don't buy the liverwurst!
Don't buy the liverwurst!
Rei:
I repeat what I just said before--
Rei and Shinji:
Don't buy the liverwurst!
Don't buy the liverwurst!
When you go to the delicatessen store,
Don't buy the liverwurst!
Rei and Shinji (the latter dumbstruck by what he'd just heard, yet following along out of obligation):
Don't buy the liverwurst!
Don't buy the liverwurst!
Rei:
I repeat what I just said before--
Rei and Shinji:
Don't buy the liverwurst!
Don't buy the liverwurst!
Shinji [interrupting]: "Now wait a minute, wait a minute--are you trying to get more people to go vegetarian with this?"
Rei: "I am not--I see no reason to impose my particular dietary standards unto others. If you continue with me, you will find there is different reason to not buy the liverwurst."
Shinji did a double-take from Rei to the audience, who laughed at his reaction, before he shrugged and hesitantly kept going with Rei on the song.
Rei:
Oh, buy the corned beef if you must,
The pickled herring you can trust,
And the lox puts you in orbit A-OK!
Shinji:
A-OK!
Rei:
But that big hunk of liverwurst,
Has been there since October first,
And today is the twenty-third of May...!
Rei:
So when you go to the delicatessen store--
Rei and Shinji:
Don't buy the liverwurst!
Don't buy the liverwurst!
Don't buy the liverwurst!
Rei:
It will make your insides awfully sore.
Rei and Shinji:
Don't buy the liverwurst!
Don't buy the li-ver-wuuuurrrrst!
At the conclusion of the song, the audience, in a mix of cheers and laughter, gave the two a round of applause. While Rei took a bow, Shinji leaned over to get her attention.
Shinji: "Rei, about that book--are you sure it's the Sherman one I asked you to check out from the library?"
Rei: "I believe it is."
Rei then took out the book in question from behind her person, revealed to be How to Spoof a Song Like Allan Sherman. Shinji's mouth went agape on seeing this, before he gave himself a facepalm.
Shinji [with a slight groan]: "Rei, I asked for the book on the music of the Sherman Brothers!"
Rei: "Is Allan not one of them?"
Shinji: "No! Completely unrelated!"
Rei [glancing at the book's cover]: "Fascinating."
Shinji [shaking his head]: "I can see why Mother always liked you best..."
Rei: "Which one--Lilith, or Yui Ikari?"
Shinji nearly face-faulted at this response, much to the audience's amusement if their laughter was any indicator; and with that, the set ended with a rimshot from Pen-Pen.
END.