The Essay
MordredRaal
Agitating
- Pronouns
- She/They
Signalis: A Hand Reaching Out Beyond Death
Signalis, the survival horror game by rose-engine, was the second most intense experience of my life.
Not, the second most intense experience with games. The second most intense experience in general. (The most intense one was realizing I am trans, if you're curious.)
So it probably isn't surprising that I wanted to write about it. But nonetheless I was very uncertain if I wanted to write this essay.
Not because I don't think that I have worthwhile things to say about Signalis, but rather because,...I was afraid that trying to communicate my feelings and memories would lessen them. That trying to put them into words would trap them in that form, or worse, make them flow out of me forever.
I am still afraid of that, to be quite honest.
Still, I'm nothing if not impulsive, so we're doing this.
Before that though let me state the obvious.
This Essay will be filled with spoilers for Signalis. I would extremely recommend playing Signalis more or less blind. Knowing about the first chapter probably isn't so bad, but this essay will be working in a spoiler-intensive chronological order.
I know that it probably won't deter a lot of people, because these warnings usually don't deter me. But I know that I would not have had as strong a reaction to the game if I knew where it would lead, and I would be a lesser person for that fact.
So if you at all have time to play it, I would recommend you do so first. It's only 20 € on Steam and I've seen it on sale for 16 € multiple times.
One word of advise. I think that the game is most effective if you play it in big sessions, back to back, till your finished. Maybe take a weekend to just play it all the way through? It's very finish-able in that amount of time.
So. Let's get started.
Chapter 1: Decontextualization
My experience of Signalis did not start with opening the game and so, of course, neither will this essay.
I first became aware of Signalis when I watched the first few videos of SB's play-through of it:
View: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oVe7IW4i-g8&list=PLv2Qcu6n6_mLVxngi77oMPLWMAq9kyoB5&pp=iAQB
SB is my personal favorite you-tuber. She's great and while I wouldn't necessarily recommend her play-through of Signalis (for reasons I'll get into later) you should still check out her other stuff. Her videos got me through a lot of dark times in my teenage years, and her coming out as trans made my egg crack, so I owe her a lot.
(Also to give credit and be transparent I'm skipping through her series to double check things while writing this essay.)
Anyway. So. I watched the beginning of her series on Signalis and suddenly had a realization. I could also play it myself!
…Yeah. A Great Revelation foretelling the things to come, I know.
But! That actually was a kind of realization for me.
While gaming has always been a big part of my life, I have, for big stretches of it, been too depressed or stressed to actively seek out games I'm interested in. Both of the games I've played the most, are games that my friends dragged me into and while I've always enjoyed single player games, I've been playing less and less of them as the years went by.
So while seeing Signalis and then seeking it out to play it myself was by no means unprecedented, it also was far from an every day occurrence. And! From what I can recall at least, it was the first time that I stopped watching a play-through to avoid spoiling myself.
So I stopped watching the play-through, bought the game and started playing.
I played for about an hour.
I tried to get through it quickly, cause I'd already seen the beginning and wanted to get to the new stuff ASAP.
So I got through the prologue, briefly forgetting the solution to the first puzzle, embarrassingly.
Now, of course, thinking back to the ship hurts quite a bit. A credit to the re-contextualization that happens later. But at the time I didn't think much of it, though the mood already started to get to me.
The sequence where you descend down the well and crawl through the hole,... I'll be honest it still doesn't do much for me. (Though the well gains greater significance for me later).
REMEMBER OUR PROMISE
Then the first chapter starts. Synchronizität (Synchronicity). This is mechanically the best chapter in my opinion.
I got through the first level of the mining facility pretty quickly (cause I'd already seen this stuff before). Though not without, just,... not seeing a key-card I needed, for a few minutes.
We also meet Isa! We'll be seeing a lot of her. She is also looking for HER, but sadly we can't help Isa.
She is FLESH. And FLESH cannot carve on it's own.
After that came the first real level of the game. Tbh I kinda forgot it existed. It's alright. Good introduction level.
Here you get the Radio and the Plate of Eternity. Both of which are gonna be very important in different ways.
You also get the first of what I'm calling Dream Sequences. The First Person segments where you walk around. (I'm not counting the walk to the well for... reasons.)
The Radio is sometimes finicky, though that's true of all the menus in the game to some extent.
I got through the level very cleanly. So naturally I was growing arrogant.
You leave through an elevator. And in the adjacent Save room you get the shotgun!
At this point my first session ended. I left satisfied and with the intention of continuing soon. To finally get past the parts I was already familiar with.
I didn't return to it for over half a year...
Yeah. Real life got in the way.
A lot happened in That Time. I really grew into myself in That Time.
I started writing in earnest and started posting my writing online. That really improved my life a lot. Cause writing is, like, the one thing that I'm actually, for real, good at. So writing more frequently really improved my confidence and... my sense of purpose, I guess.
I started actually interacting online instead of just lurking. Though only a little bit.
Of course I also developed a neurological condition 'cause of University stress, so it wasn't all good times. I briefly thought I was going blind. I eventually got Meds for it though.
What I'm trying to get across is that a lot of life happened in That Time.
Which makes it understandable that I didn't think much about Signalis!
It didn't entirely slip from my mind, but as I write this (Or rather as I revise this section from a desperate listing of every time I thought about Signalis in That Time), I realize that I'm trying to retroactively apply significance to a time where I had started something that would change me forever but did not realize it yet.
I wish that there was a great urging to return to the game. It feels like there should have been. But there wasn't.
This... is what I was afraid of. That I would reexamine something that means something to me and instead find that there was nothing there.
… No matter. If there is one thing I've taken from Signalis, it's that sometimes, when it really matters, you just have to keep pushing, even if you know that there is nothing there for you at the end, except THE END.
WE'RE NOT DONE YET
The thing that finally got me to sit down and play Signalis again was, funnily enough, the very thing that got me to play it in the first place. SB's play-through.
I really wanted to watch it. But I also knew I wanted to finish my play-through first.
So I started my second session.
Which is where our story really begins.
Chapter 2: Great Holes Are Secretly Digged Where Earths Pores Ought To Suffice
We return to the game, just after getting the shotgun.
At this point I'll start a behavior that I'll continue throughout the game.
Namely that in my inventory I, by default, carry a small gun and a big gun (and later the flashlight and the photo-module).
No reloads. No healing.
Now that might seem like an incredibly minute thing to mention, and it mostly is.
But, Signalis only has 6 inventory slots.
So the fact that I that consistently have 2 slots free for plot items and pick ups, actually had an out-sized effected on reducing my frustration with having to ferry items to and from the Safe Rooms.
That I traveled light also increased my desperation during times where the nearest Safe Room (And therefore the nearest healing) was far, far away.
So my default load-out shaped my journey in a major way. Which is why I'm mentioning it, even if academically noting these effects can't really communicate how they made me feel while I'm playing.
Anyway! We just entered a new level, which is going to introduce us to switching Elevation... levels, henceforth referred to as Elevations.
The central puzzle in this level is a door with 5 key slots. The matching key-cards are scattered over two Elevations, with each card requiring a puzzle to acquire.
Now at this point I still have the arrogance I'd build up during my first session. It's only slightly shaken by getting hit in stupid ways, multiple times.
During this level we also get the Photo-module, which will receive a permanent slot in my default layout, because standing in front of a puzzle only to have to go back to fetch a module is a major pain in the ass.
The exit to this level is guarded by a boss-fight! With a Mylah.
The first time I die, because I didn't get the gimmick quick enough,... but the second time I do it!
… We are still in the parts I'd already seen. At least this time I have the excuse that it's been months.
Then we have a flashback(-ish), where Adler tosses us down an Elevator shaft.
...Poor Adler. We are not yours anymore. And you are not and never could be HER.
You are of the FLESH even if you aren't NOISE.
After a Dream sequence we awaken from among a pile of our own corpses.
As is our right and our duty.
Now we find ourselves in the last level of the game's first chapter.
Which is a delight! Because from a mechanics perspective this is the best level in the game!
Dozens of little puzzles are scattered over 4 Elevations and gradually unlocked shortcuts often redefine how you move through the level.
While the puzzles in this game are largely key-based, or quasi key-based with the radio, and often need to be solved in a set order, I don't consider that a negative.
Because that means that, while you rarely need to think about what to do, that leaves you more time to focus on the how.
Because you have to ferry items across the level multiple times, you become familiar with it in a way you just wouldn't, if there was a way to acquire keys in an order that'd allow you to get everything in two or three runs.
This allows you to really immerse yourself in the mood and placeness of a level.
So, yeah. I really like the puzzles in this game. And I like the puzzles because the levels they are in, are excellent.
During this level I finally really get into the rhythm of the game.
I finally get past the parts I'm already familiar with. I stop feeling that arrogance. And I start really feeling the ammo crunch.
I don't kill every enemy, buuuuut I do have to put down every enemy in every hallway. Sometimes more than once.
Cause enemies sometimes resurrect when you get near them.
Sometimes you get lucky and kill them in a spot far enough away from the doors that you don't risk waking them. But usually you have to decide whether you burn them or not, depending on how often you expect to go through there again.
I am very bad at estimating how often I'll have to return to a room in this game.
So, we go through this level, solving puzzles and learning about the world.
We find the flashlight, which goes into my default loadout.
We find the revolver.
We find the room where FALKE/US/THE FLESHsleeps waits.
And we find Adler's diary. In it, he describes how it feels like he is experiencing the same day, over and over again. His memories are blending together. And the longer this feeling of Deja Vu last, the more THE NOISE creeps in.
He feels a call from the mines of the facility.
We also get the key-card for the mines!
Which is good because that is where we are going as well.
We descend the mine-shaft and enter the game's second chapter. Liminalität (Liminality).
I had to look up how the word is written, by checking in the game. It feels like the word I wrote has more letters than the one on the screen but I cannot see the mistake.
We see Isa throw Adler down A Hole by stabbing him in his right eye.
Fitting.
We'll see that Hole again very soon.
Then the elevator stops and we are in the mines.
The first thing I do is open the map and immediately groan.
"No Map Data"
This is going to be a problem for me during chapter 2, though I don't yet know how much of one.
I walk for a while and... nothing happens?
I reach the save room.
I take a lift deeper.
Finally there are enemies again.
I sneak past them.
Past some mono-wire, there are corpses, along with two people still alive.
A Eule who is crying and a Star who is dying.
The Star tries to comfort the Eule by revealing that she remembered the name she had in her last life. It'd be their secret.
We don't get to hear the name.
Good.
"It'll be okay. Where ever it is I'm going. I'll wait for you there"
REMEMBER OUR PROMISE
We leave.
The way forward lies past those enemies we sneaked past earlier.
Running past them, I take a few hits. Only to find that on the other side there is a gate that slowly opens as a Mynah and a Star chase you around the room.
I take a few more hits.
I jump down the hole, taking another hit.
I'm almost dead, two or three hits from death.
Thankfully there is health down here. I have to drop some ammo I'd picked up to use it though.
Besides the health there is also the Hole that Adler was pushed into.
"It looks like there is no other way."
We jump.
And land in a pit full of corpses. Not our own this time... probably.
With this starts the most miserable part of my experience playing Signalis.
The... place at the bottom of the Hole is a good part of the game, but I really struggled with it.
Still no map. Which is part of the problem.
It wasn't so bad in the mines, but this place is far more complicated.
There are more doors here and the direction we enter the doors from doesn't correlate with the direction we leave them from.
I'm also going to have to solve puzzles here which will become an issue.
Particularly these Fucking Doors. They have a symbol on them and a key pad.
There is a Microphone for the Radio that's connected to a screen and a key pad like is on the doors. I figure I'm gonna get a Radio-Frequency like I did in the previous Radio puzzles.
The really annoying part though will be the Elevations.
After a couple rooms we descend down a ladder right next to an ominous note which states that there will be a door in this wall once the thing below is killed.
Then... We have to jump down a hole in pulsating Flesh.
Of course. This whole place is FLESH, but unlike above, the distinction between FLESH and NOISE is... difficult.
So. We jump.
And then we find the thing the note mentioned.
It's a mass of limbs in a cage. And it's attacking Isa!
I dump all my ammo into it. But it Just. Won't. Die.
As it's getting up and I realize that I'm out of bullets I'm already resigned to the fact that I'm gonna die on every boss-fight in this game.
Then Isa fucking shoots it!
Which is helpful.
Unfortunately she goes down from the recoil.
I... I thought she was dead. But she's just unconscious.
We leave her in the safe room.
Then we find a ladder back up in the next room.
I'm gonna get reallllllly familiar with that ladder.
The ladder is the only way back up to the prior Elevations for now.
I find some Ammonia behind the door that appeared like the note promised.
That wakes Isa up, after another jump down the flesh hole.
She asks if we've found who we're looking for yet.
We haven't. Of course. SHE isn't of the FLESH.
Isa feels as sick as I do sitting in front of my screen. It's been a few hours but I want to keep going.
She gives us her rifle, but not, importantly, the next puzzle piece I need to progress.
I sigh out loud and go back up the ladder.
Time to go through every room to find whatever item I've missed.
I find nothing. Just the doors and no idea of how to open them.
Back down the flesh hole.
Isa is gone. There is no way for her to go. But there doesn't need to be.
This place doesn't make any sense and it isn't meant to. The NOISE is growing.
WE NEED TO DO THIS
I search down in the lowest Elevation and don't find anything there either.
Back up the ladder.
One of the corpses gets up. I get hit. I hurry past it. I don't find anything.
Back down the flesh hole. I don't find anything.
Back up the ladder. I get hit. I shoot the corpse. I don't find anything.
Back down the flesh hole. A corpse gets up. I get hit. I shoot it. I don't find anything.
Back up the ladder. Another corpse gets up. I get hit. I shoot it. I don't find anything.
Back down the flesh hole. I don't find anything.
Back up the ladder. I don't find anything.
Back down the flesh hole. I don't find anything.
Back up the ladder.
Finally! In the middle of going mad from the constant repetition and the disgusting environments I finally get the idea to just turn my radio on near the microphone.
...It shows one of the symbols on one of the Fucking Doors along with an input for the key pad. When I change the frequency it shows another symbol and another input.
I... I could have gotten that sooner, but in fairness literally none of the puzzles so far have worked this way!
...Whatever.
I put the correct input into the correct door and sure enough it opens.
From the room beyond it we get... a Plate of Flesh.
You know? Like the Plate of Eternity. Like the Plate of Eternity we got in the second level of the fucking game!
We're finally gonna find out what they're for!
We open another door and... get another Plate.
This is gonna be a whole thing isn't it?
I'm way too done to continue at this point.
So my second session ended. Pretty frustrated and very annoyed.
Nonetheless. As I go to bed, I'm mentally mapping out where all the doors are. I don't sleep until I'm confident I got all the doors I've seen.
The next day I had something to do. Theoretically.
Practically, I was far too distracted to concentrate.
So I booted up the game again.
That's how my third session started.
We are back in the flesh hole!
But unlike last time we actually have an idea of what we're doing.
My frustration melted away over the night. Replaced with an overwhelming urge to keep going.
WE'RE SO CLOSE
So we get to work.
In this place there are fewer puzzles, but they take longer.
Eventually we find a Door with six slots.
Sure enough, the Plate of Eternity fits perfectly and so do the newer Plates.
This time I'm having far more fun moving through the level.
Partially because I'm not stuck anymore, but also because the map layout sank into our soul.
Now, so far I haven't talked about the rooms I'm moving through in detail unless they are particularly important or disgusting.
But I'm making an exception for Nightmare Room #1 and Nightmare Room #2. So called because you have to go through Nightmare Room #1 to get to Nightmare Room #2.
Nightmare Room #1 is some kind of surgical suite with 5! enemies patrolling it, including a Mynah. It's actually surprisingly easy to get through. What isn't easy is getting the mandatory item right in the middle of the room.
Nightmare Room #2 "only" has 4 enemies in it. But in exchange it's pitch black. To get to the item in the middle of the room you have to turn on your flashlight, thereby aggroing every enemy in the room.
And like previously mentioned, you can only reach Nightmare Room #2 through Nightmare Room #1, meaning you have to leave that way too. Sure hope you turned off your flashlight before sprinting out the door, or else every enemy in Nightmare Room #1 is also aggroed.
But we manage it eventually.
Like that we slowly gather the Plates one by one.
Then we find ourselves in front of The Door.
We slot in the last Plate and walk through.
I already feel nauseous.
…
WE are in the Well again.
WE ascend the steps.
WE are in a formless red desert.
Adler is sitting on the final steps.
He can never go beyond this point. He tried so many times. These aren't his steps to walk.
He longs for THE US-THAT-WE-REPLACED/THE FLESH/FALKE, but WE ignore him.
(The Essay I'm writing is repeating OUR words back to me. Over and Over. But in the wrong places.)
WE walk into the desert again.
WE walk past our own corpses.
WE always return here.
WE reach The Ship.
SHE is here.
WE REACH OUT A HAND
The world grows quiet.
We climb onto the ship and pull on the hatch.
We're so close.
We fail.
Our arm is torn to pieces.
We fall down. Down.
We lie next to The Ship.
The light in our eyes goes out.
FAILURE
AGAIN
Credits roll.
I stare at them.
I can't look away.
My mouth moves, but no sound comes out.
I'm crying, but my body isn't.
I sit there.
After... after... . The main menu comes up again.
An empty eye stares back at me.
I stare into ourselves.
This is wrong.
This is wrong.
This is wrong.
An empty eye stares back at me.
…
Slowly. Very slowly. I move my mouse.
And hit "QUIT"
Chapter 3: OUR PROMISE
I stare at my black screen.
Then the game comes back.
WE WAKE UP
AGAIN
I'm grinning. I can barely sit still.
WE'RE NOT DONE YET
This is right.
THE FLESH HAS BEEN GATHERED
NOW WE MUST SHARPEN OURSELVES
We are on The Ship.
We are doing our maintenance route. SHE is waiting for US.
All Is Right In The World.
We find a briefing for HER. SHE should ignore US. SHE should not love US.
SHE loves US anyway.
Good.
The Ship is filled with Hope and The Stars are Beautiful.
WE go to HER.
ARIANNE
WE missed HER. SHE missed US.
WE kiss HER.
SHE dances with US.
All Is Right In The World.
WE REMEMBER
WE fall asleep in HER arms.
WE WAKE UP
We are in The Ship.
WE REMEMBER
It is filled with FLESH and NOISE but SHE is Beautiful.
WE REMEMBER
We go to the place where SHEsleeps waits.
We find FLESH and NOISE and OUR own corpse.
WE KNOW WHAT WE MUST DO
Anything.
We take what we need.
We are back in the mining facility.
It is filled with FLESH and NOISE, but it doesn't matter.
We are on Rot-Front.
The enemies look like me now.
This makes sense.
I was always a spiteful person.
We are in HER home now.
We need to understand HER.
The better to carve HER.
We walk through a Rot-Front housing block, collecting tarot cards and information about ARIANNE.
We stop a fire in the pipe works, which allows us to go past it and into the "Disinfection Room".
It is anything but.
Flesh is growing from the walls and out of the floor.
The Meat-grinder beyond it is worse.
I feel like I have to vomit.
We quickly pick up the items there and leave.
I don't ever want to go back there.
We go to the hospital room. We get a card.
Then I have a problem.
I don't see a way forward.
I re-search every room and recheck every locked door.
The hospital isn't there anymore. The way there is blocked by Flesh.
Of course. We took everything we needed. The NOISE is growing.
WE NEED TO HURRY
Every locked door is blocked by a key I don't have.
We look over the map again.
Then I curse out loud.
There is an Elevation Change symbol in the Meat-grinder.
...We go there.
We jump in the meat-grinder.
The hallway in the lower level is a pain. But we are making progress again.
We collect more cards.
We get into the Itou-Bookstore and find Isa there.
She looked everywhere, but she can't find HER.
Of course she can't.
WE are THE KNIFE.
Isa is FLESH.
It was always going to end this way.
Still, we beg for forgiveness, as she falls apart on herself.
… We collect a card.
We continue through the level.
Everywhere we have taken Everything from is blocked by Flesh. The NOISE devours everything we aren't focusing on.
We collect the final cards.
IT IS TIME
The final door opens.
We have to crawl through a hole again.
Then we are in HER room.
AGAIN.
The game tells me this is THE END
It doesn't need to.
WE ARE HERE
We walk through the final hallway.
The world is dying.
We reach the final room.
FALKE/US/THE FLESH waits for us there.
"Why did you return?"
The Final Work begins.
"There is nothing here for you"
One more time.
"She'll never dance with us again,..."
WRONG
"No matter what we do."
WRONG
"She doesn't even want us anymore"
WRONG
"Both of us are incomplete"
TRUE
"Let us become whole again"
YES
And then we carve.
WE are THE KNIFE
FALKE is THE FLESH
With every stab We carve the world into the shape in Our soul.
With every spear the world gets pinned down into what is Right and what is TRUE.
"Now we are one"
We've been waiting for this for a long time
WE are in the desert again.
Adler is there again.
He tries to stop us.
He fails.
WE walk into the desert again.
WE walk past our own corpses.
WE always return here.
WE reach The Ship.
SHE is here.
WE REACH OUT A HAND
The world grows quiet.
We climb onto the ship and pull on the hatch.
We're so close.
The hatch opens.
WE are BACK AGAIN
The Ship is still a nightmare. Slowly falling apart. Barely clinging on.
Worse than we remembered.
It doesn't matter.
We hurry on. We need to get to Her.
We find The Note.
We were never supposed to live.
We were sent here to die.
Hate flares in our hearts.
It doesn't matter.
We did it anyway.
We grow ever more frantic.
Through the radiation. Past the trash. Past the place where we failed.
It doesn't matter.
We need to go to Her.
The final door.
This is all that's left.
She lies there. In the cryopod.
Carved anew from THE FLESH.
We go to her.
WAKE UP
PLEASE
She moves, and our hearts stop beating.
Every muscle in our bodies feels like it is about to explode.
Our breath stops for an eternity.
"We've come back for you."
She doesn't react.
"It's us, Elster..."
PLEASE
"...Elster?"
"I'm sorry but I don't remember"
IT'S OKAY
"It's okay."
It's okay.
ICH BIN WIEDER ICH ABER DU BIST NICHT MEHR DU
I'm me again. But you aren't you anymore.
It's okay.
PLEASE
"Please,..."
Please
Just let me stay by your side, A little longer
…
She embraces us again.
All Is Right In The World.
Credits roll.
Chapter 4: A Desperate Desire For What Can Never Be Again
We stare at them.
We can't look away.
Our mouth moves, but no sound comes out.
We're crying, but our body isn't.
We sit there.
We sit there.
WE sit there.
...
How are we supposed to go on now?
…
We eventually get up from our chair.
We feel like we need to vomit.
We are pacing.
Our parents ask us what's wrong.
EVERYTHING
"Everything's good."
Later we share our experience online.
It helps.
But we are still restless.
We aren't sure how we are supposed to sleep like this.
But as we go to bed, we know.
She still feels so close.
Our eyes see nothing but our dark room.
But our soul sees a red desert.
She is here.
WE REACH OUT A HAND
…
…
…
Nothing happens.
I let my hand fall again.
Then I sleep.
…
…
…
I awaken the next day and it feels like there is a hole in my chest.
I feel sick.
I want to cry.
I want to go back.
I can't.
I'm even more restless than the day before.
I talk about it online again, in the same place. It helps. Again.
But I still feel an enormous lack.
Eventually I go to finally watch SB's Signalis play-through, hoping that it helps.
It doesn't.
Having another person play through it is,... so much less intense than what I'd just experienced.
It doesn't help that SB is very unlucky in terms of the impact of the parts that affected me the most.
She plays it in hour long chunks, rather than the frenzy of my second and third sessions.
She somehow managed to almost miss that the game goes on after chapter two, by hitting play and then quitting, thereby making the quit button actually work again.
And she was sick while playing Rot-front, the most emotional chapter. Regular sick, rather than the emotional haze I was in.
Still, that is no fault of SB's.
Watching her play-through didn't give me what I wanted, but nothing could have.
What watching did do, is bury that overwhelming longing I felt for the state I was in, the day before.
I hated it.
At least the longing was as intense as the state itself.
Without either,... I felt so much lesser.
It felt like the greatest moment of my life just happened and I just stood there and let it pass me by.
I...A part of me wished that I'd died that night. So I could stay in that moment forever.
…
It eventually got better.
I continued processing it, until remembering it didn't hurt so much any more.
I integrated it into who I am.
I am glad that I experienced it.
And my life improved from it.
I felt a sense of purpose I hadn't felt before.
I felt like I was better than I was before.
And I was. And I am.
Authors Note: I was scared when I started writing this essay. And writing the first chapter seemed to confirm my fears.
But writing everything after that put them to rest.
I am glad I wrote this.
It let me relive my experience in a way I didn't think was possible for me.
Also, for the record. I am okay.
My experience back then was intense, but it was in every moment positive.
Even during the moment, where I wanted to go back and stay there.
I included that moment, because it was important. Because it mattered. And because this essay wouldn't have been complete without it.
But I'm neither suicidal, nor unhappy with my life. OK?
Playing Signalis and writing this essay were both very intense and emotional experiences. But the good kind of intense.
I'm a better and happier person for these experiences.
So. Yeah.
I hope that this was also enjoyable as a reader. It certainly was enjoyable as a writer.
Wheeew.
Now back to my other proje... Back to my studies.
I,...maybe procrastinated just a little bit with this essay.
But it was extremely worth it.
Fun fact!: I played Signalis in three sessions and I wrote this essay in three days. Roughly writing through one session per day.
Also! Final Final Note: I know that Signalis has multiple endings. I ignore their existence, because they do not, could not, matter to me. So if you have questions about other endings or want to talk about them, don't bother me with that. OK? Good.
Content Warning: Grief, Suicidal Ideation
Signalis, the survival horror game by rose-engine, was the second most intense experience of my life.
Not, the second most intense experience with games. The second most intense experience in general. (The most intense one was realizing I am trans, if you're curious.)
So it probably isn't surprising that I wanted to write about it. But nonetheless I was very uncertain if I wanted to write this essay.
Not because I don't think that I have worthwhile things to say about Signalis, but rather because,...I was afraid that trying to communicate my feelings and memories would lessen them. That trying to put them into words would trap them in that form, or worse, make them flow out of me forever.
I am still afraid of that, to be quite honest.
Still, I'm nothing if not impulsive, so we're doing this.
Before that though let me state the obvious.
This Essay will be filled with spoilers for Signalis. I would extremely recommend playing Signalis more or less blind. Knowing about the first chapter probably isn't so bad, but this essay will be working in a spoiler-intensive chronological order.
I know that it probably won't deter a lot of people, because these warnings usually don't deter me. But I know that I would not have had as strong a reaction to the game if I knew where it would lead, and I would be a lesser person for that fact.
So if you at all have time to play it, I would recommend you do so first. It's only 20 € on Steam and I've seen it on sale for 16 € multiple times.
One word of advise. I think that the game is most effective if you play it in big sessions, back to back, till your finished. Maybe take a weekend to just play it all the way through? It's very finish-able in that amount of time.
So. Let's get started.
Chapter 1: Decontextualization
My experience of Signalis did not start with opening the game and so, of course, neither will this essay.
I first became aware of Signalis when I watched the first few videos of SB's play-through of it:
View: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oVe7IW4i-g8&list=PLv2Qcu6n6_mLVxngi77oMPLWMAq9kyoB5&pp=iAQB
SB is my personal favorite you-tuber. She's great and while I wouldn't necessarily recommend her play-through of Signalis (for reasons I'll get into later) you should still check out her other stuff. Her videos got me through a lot of dark times in my teenage years, and her coming out as trans made my egg crack, so I owe her a lot.
(Also to give credit and be transparent I'm skipping through her series to double check things while writing this essay.)
Anyway. So. I watched the beginning of her series on Signalis and suddenly had a realization. I could also play it myself!
…Yeah. A Great Revelation foretelling the things to come, I know.
But! That actually was a kind of realization for me.
While gaming has always been a big part of my life, I have, for big stretches of it, been too depressed or stressed to actively seek out games I'm interested in. Both of the games I've played the most, are games that my friends dragged me into and while I've always enjoyed single player games, I've been playing less and less of them as the years went by.
So while seeing Signalis and then seeking it out to play it myself was by no means unprecedented, it also was far from an every day occurrence. And! From what I can recall at least, it was the first time that I stopped watching a play-through to avoid spoiling myself.
So I stopped watching the play-through, bought the game and started playing.
I played for about an hour.
I tried to get through it quickly, cause I'd already seen the beginning and wanted to get to the new stuff ASAP.
So I got through the prologue, briefly forgetting the solution to the first puzzle, embarrassingly.
Now, of course, thinking back to the ship hurts quite a bit. A credit to the re-contextualization that happens later. But at the time I didn't think much of it, though the mood already started to get to me.
The sequence where you descend down the well and crawl through the hole,... I'll be honest it still doesn't do much for me. (Though the well gains greater significance for me later).
REMEMBER OUR PROMISE
Then the first chapter starts. Synchronizität (Synchronicity). This is mechanically the best chapter in my opinion.
I got through the first level of the mining facility pretty quickly (cause I'd already seen this stuff before). Though not without, just,... not seeing a key-card I needed, for a few minutes.
We also meet Isa! We'll be seeing a lot of her. She is also looking for HER, but sadly we can't help Isa.
She is FLESH. And FLESH cannot carve on it's own.
After that came the first real level of the game. Tbh I kinda forgot it existed. It's alright. Good introduction level.
Here you get the Radio and the Plate of Eternity. Both of which are gonna be very important in different ways.
You also get the first of what I'm calling Dream Sequences. The First Person segments where you walk around. (I'm not counting the walk to the well for... reasons.)
The Radio is sometimes finicky, though that's true of all the menus in the game to some extent.
I got through the level very cleanly. So naturally I was growing arrogant.
You leave through an elevator. And in the adjacent Save room you get the shotgun!
At this point my first session ended. I left satisfied and with the intention of continuing soon. To finally get past the parts I was already familiar with.
I didn't return to it for over half a year...
Yeah. Real life got in the way.
A lot happened in That Time. I really grew into myself in That Time.
I started writing in earnest and started posting my writing online. That really improved my life a lot. Cause writing is, like, the one thing that I'm actually, for real, good at. So writing more frequently really improved my confidence and... my sense of purpose, I guess.
I started actually interacting online instead of just lurking. Though only a little bit.
Of course I also developed a neurological condition 'cause of University stress, so it wasn't all good times. I briefly thought I was going blind. I eventually got Meds for it though.
What I'm trying to get across is that a lot of life happened in That Time.
Which makes it understandable that I didn't think much about Signalis!
It didn't entirely slip from my mind, but as I write this (Or rather as I revise this section from a desperate listing of every time I thought about Signalis in That Time), I realize that I'm trying to retroactively apply significance to a time where I had started something that would change me forever but did not realize it yet.
I wish that there was a great urging to return to the game. It feels like there should have been. But there wasn't.
This... is what I was afraid of. That I would reexamine something that means something to me and instead find that there was nothing there.
… No matter. If there is one thing I've taken from Signalis, it's that sometimes, when it really matters, you just have to keep pushing, even if you know that there is nothing there for you at the end, except THE END.
WE'RE NOT DONE YET
The thing that finally got me to sit down and play Signalis again was, funnily enough, the very thing that got me to play it in the first place. SB's play-through.
I really wanted to watch it. But I also knew I wanted to finish my play-through first.
So I started my second session.
Which is where our story really begins.
Chapter 2: Great Holes Are Secretly Digged Where Earths Pores Ought To Suffice
We return to the game, just after getting the shotgun.
At this point I'll start a behavior that I'll continue throughout the game.
Namely that in my inventory I, by default, carry a small gun and a big gun (and later the flashlight and the photo-module).
No reloads. No healing.
Now that might seem like an incredibly minute thing to mention, and it mostly is.
But, Signalis only has 6 inventory slots.
So the fact that I that consistently have 2 slots free for plot items and pick ups, actually had an out-sized effected on reducing my frustration with having to ferry items to and from the Safe Rooms.
That I traveled light also increased my desperation during times where the nearest Safe Room (And therefore the nearest healing) was far, far away.
So my default load-out shaped my journey in a major way. Which is why I'm mentioning it, even if academically noting these effects can't really communicate how they made me feel while I'm playing.
Anyway! We just entered a new level, which is going to introduce us to switching Elevation... levels, henceforth referred to as Elevations.
The central puzzle in this level is a door with 5 key slots. The matching key-cards are scattered over two Elevations, with each card requiring a puzzle to acquire.
Now at this point I still have the arrogance I'd build up during my first session. It's only slightly shaken by getting hit in stupid ways, multiple times.
During this level we also get the Photo-module, which will receive a permanent slot in my default layout, because standing in front of a puzzle only to have to go back to fetch a module is a major pain in the ass.
The exit to this level is guarded by a boss-fight! With a Mylah.
The first time I die, because I didn't get the gimmick quick enough,... but the second time I do it!
… We are still in the parts I'd already seen. At least this time I have the excuse that it's been months.
Then we have a flashback(-ish), where Adler tosses us down an Elevator shaft.
...Poor Adler. We are not yours anymore. And you are not and never could be HER.
You are of the FLESH even if you aren't NOISE.
After a Dream sequence we awaken from among a pile of our own corpses.
As is our right and our duty.
Now we find ourselves in the last level of the game's first chapter.
Which is a delight! Because from a mechanics perspective this is the best level in the game!
Dozens of little puzzles are scattered over 4 Elevations and gradually unlocked shortcuts often redefine how you move through the level.
While the puzzles in this game are largely key-based, or quasi key-based with the radio, and often need to be solved in a set order, I don't consider that a negative.
Because that means that, while you rarely need to think about what to do, that leaves you more time to focus on the how.
Because you have to ferry items across the level multiple times, you become familiar with it in a way you just wouldn't, if there was a way to acquire keys in an order that'd allow you to get everything in two or three runs.
This allows you to really immerse yourself in the mood and placeness of a level.
So, yeah. I really like the puzzles in this game. And I like the puzzles because the levels they are in, are excellent.
During this level I finally really get into the rhythm of the game.
I finally get past the parts I'm already familiar with. I stop feeling that arrogance. And I start really feeling the ammo crunch.
I don't kill every enemy, buuuuut I do have to put down every enemy in every hallway. Sometimes more than once.
Cause enemies sometimes resurrect when you get near them.
Sometimes you get lucky and kill them in a spot far enough away from the doors that you don't risk waking them. But usually you have to decide whether you burn them or not, depending on how often you expect to go through there again.
I am very bad at estimating how often I'll have to return to a room in this game.
So, we go through this level, solving puzzles and learning about the world.
We find the flashlight, which goes into my default loadout.
We find the revolver.
We find the room where FALKE/US/THE FLESH
And we find Adler's diary. In it, he describes how it feels like he is experiencing the same day, over and over again. His memories are blending together. And the longer this feeling of Deja Vu last, the more THE NOISE creeps in.
He feels a call from the mines of the facility.
We also get the key-card for the mines!
Which is good because that is where we are going as well.
We descend the mine-shaft and enter the game's second chapter. Liminalität (Liminality).
I had to look up how the word is written, by checking in the game. It feels like the word I wrote has more letters than the one on the screen but I cannot see the mistake.
We see Isa throw Adler down A Hole by stabbing him in his right eye.
Fitting.
We'll see that Hole again very soon.
Then the elevator stops and we are in the mines.
The first thing I do is open the map and immediately groan.
"No Map Data"
This is going to be a problem for me during chapter 2, though I don't yet know how much of one.
I walk for a while and... nothing happens?
I reach the save room.
I take a lift deeper.
Finally there are enemies again.
I sneak past them.
Past some mono-wire, there are corpses, along with two people still alive.
A Eule who is crying and a Star who is dying.
The Star tries to comfort the Eule by revealing that she remembered the name she had in her last life. It'd be their secret.
We don't get to hear the name.
Good.
"It'll be okay. Where ever it is I'm going. I'll wait for you there"
REMEMBER OUR PROMISE
We leave.
The way forward lies past those enemies we sneaked past earlier.
Running past them, I take a few hits. Only to find that on the other side there is a gate that slowly opens as a Mynah and a Star chase you around the room.
I take a few more hits.
I jump down the hole, taking another hit.
I'm almost dead, two or three hits from death.
Thankfully there is health down here. I have to drop some ammo I'd picked up to use it though.
Besides the health there is also the Hole that Adler was pushed into.
"It looks like there is no other way."
We jump.
And land in a pit full of corpses. Not our own this time... probably.
With this starts the most miserable part of my experience playing Signalis.
The... place at the bottom of the Hole is a good part of the game, but I really struggled with it.
Still no map. Which is part of the problem.
It wasn't so bad in the mines, but this place is far more complicated.
There are more doors here and the direction we enter the doors from doesn't correlate with the direction we leave them from.
I'm also going to have to solve puzzles here which will become an issue.
Particularly these Fucking Doors. They have a symbol on them and a key pad.
There is a Microphone for the Radio that's connected to a screen and a key pad like is on the doors. I figure I'm gonna get a Radio-Frequency like I did in the previous Radio puzzles.
The really annoying part though will be the Elevations.
After a couple rooms we descend down a ladder right next to an ominous note which states that there will be a door in this wall once the thing below is killed.
Then... We have to jump down a hole in pulsating Flesh.
Of course. This whole place is FLESH, but unlike above, the distinction between FLESH and NOISE is... difficult.
So. We jump.
And then we find the thing the note mentioned.
It's a mass of limbs in a cage. And it's attacking Isa!
I dump all my ammo into it. But it Just. Won't. Die.
As it's getting up and I realize that I'm out of bullets I'm already resigned to the fact that I'm gonna die on every boss-fight in this game.
Then Isa fucking shoots it!
Which is helpful.
Unfortunately she goes down from the recoil.
I... I thought she was dead. But she's just unconscious.
We leave her in the safe room.
Then we find a ladder back up in the next room.
I'm gonna get reallllllly familiar with that ladder.
The ladder is the only way back up to the prior Elevations for now.
I find some Ammonia behind the door that appeared like the note promised.
That wakes Isa up, after another jump down the flesh hole.
She asks if we've found who we're looking for yet.
We haven't. Of course. SHE isn't of the FLESH.
Isa feels as sick as I do sitting in front of my screen. It's been a few hours but I want to keep going.
She gives us her rifle, but not, importantly, the next puzzle piece I need to progress.
I sigh out loud and go back up the ladder.
Time to go through every room to find whatever item I've missed.
I find nothing. Just the doors and no idea of how to open them.
Back down the flesh hole.
Isa is gone. There is no way for her to go. But there doesn't need to be.
This place doesn't make any sense and it isn't meant to. The NOISE is growing.
WE NEED TO DO THIS
I search down in the lowest Elevation and don't find anything there either.
Back up the ladder.
One of the corpses gets up. I get hit. I hurry past it. I don't find anything.
Back down the flesh hole. I don't find anything.
Back up the ladder. I get hit. I shoot the corpse. I don't find anything.
Back down the flesh hole. A corpse gets up. I get hit. I shoot it. I don't find anything.
Back up the ladder. Another corpse gets up. I get hit. I shoot it. I don't find anything.
Back down the flesh hole. I don't find anything.
Back up the ladder. I don't find anything.
Back down the flesh hole. I don't find anything.
Back up the ladder.
Finally! In the middle of going mad from the constant repetition and the disgusting environments I finally get the idea to just turn my radio on near the microphone.
...It shows one of the symbols on one of the Fucking Doors along with an input for the key pad. When I change the frequency it shows another symbol and another input.
I... I could have gotten that sooner, but in fairness literally none of the puzzles so far have worked this way!
...Whatever.
I put the correct input into the correct door and sure enough it opens.
From the room beyond it we get... a Plate of Flesh.
You know? Like the Plate of Eternity. Like the Plate of Eternity we got in the second level of the fucking game!
We're finally gonna find out what they're for!
We open another door and... get another Plate.
This is gonna be a whole thing isn't it?
I'm way too done to continue at this point.
So my second session ended. Pretty frustrated and very annoyed.
Nonetheless. As I go to bed, I'm mentally mapping out where all the doors are. I don't sleep until I'm confident I got all the doors I've seen.
The next day I had something to do. Theoretically.
Practically, I was far too distracted to concentrate.
So I booted up the game again.
That's how my third session started.
We are back in the flesh hole!
But unlike last time we actually have an idea of what we're doing.
My frustration melted away over the night. Replaced with an overwhelming urge to keep going.
WE'RE SO CLOSE
So we get to work.
In this place there are fewer puzzles, but they take longer.
Eventually we find a Door with six slots.
Sure enough, the Plate of Eternity fits perfectly and so do the newer Plates.
This time I'm having far more fun moving through the level.
Partially because I'm not stuck anymore, but also because the map layout sank into our soul.
Now, so far I haven't talked about the rooms I'm moving through in detail unless they are particularly important or disgusting.
But I'm making an exception for Nightmare Room #1 and Nightmare Room #2. So called because you have to go through Nightmare Room #1 to get to Nightmare Room #2.
Nightmare Room #1 is some kind of surgical suite with 5! enemies patrolling it, including a Mynah. It's actually surprisingly easy to get through. What isn't easy is getting the mandatory item right in the middle of the room.
Nightmare Room #2 "only" has 4 enemies in it. But in exchange it's pitch black. To get to the item in the middle of the room you have to turn on your flashlight, thereby aggroing every enemy in the room.
And like previously mentioned, you can only reach Nightmare Room #2 through Nightmare Room #1, meaning you have to leave that way too. Sure hope you turned off your flashlight before sprinting out the door, or else every enemy in Nightmare Room #1 is also aggroed.
But we manage it eventually.
Like that we slowly gather the Plates one by one.
Then we find ourselves in front of The Door.
We slot in the last Plate and walk through.
I already feel nauseous.
…
WE are in the Well again.
WE ascend the steps.
WE are in a formless red desert.
Adler is sitting on the final steps.
He can never go beyond this point. He tried so many times. These aren't his steps to walk.
He longs for THE US-THAT-WE-REPLACED/THE FLESH/FALKE, but WE ignore him.
(The Essay I'm writing is repeating OUR words back to me. Over and Over. But in the wrong places.)
WE walk into the desert again.
WE walk past our own corpses.
WE always return here.
WE reach The Ship.
SHE is here.
WE REACH OUT A HAND
The world grows quiet.
We climb onto the ship and pull on the hatch.
We're so close.
We fail.
Our arm is torn to pieces.
We fall down. Down.
We lie next to The Ship.
The light in our eyes goes out.
FAILURE
AGAIN
Credits roll.
I stare at them.
I can't look away.
My mouth moves, but no sound comes out.
I'm crying, but my body isn't.
I sit there.
After... after... . The main menu comes up again.
An empty eye stares back at me.
I stare into ourselves.
This is wrong.
This is wrong.
This is wrong.
An empty eye stares back at me.
…
Slowly. Very slowly. I move my mouse.
And hit "QUIT"
Chapter 3: OUR PROMISE
I stare at my black screen.
Then the game comes back.
WE WAKE UP
AGAIN
I'm grinning. I can barely sit still.
WE'RE NOT DONE YET
This is right.
THE FLESH HAS BEEN GATHERED
NOW WE MUST SHARPEN OURSELVES
We are on The Ship.
We are doing our maintenance route. SHE is waiting for US.
All Is Right In The World.
We find a briefing for HER. SHE should ignore US. SHE should not love US.
SHE loves US anyway.
Good.
The Ship is filled with Hope and The Stars are Beautiful.
WE go to HER.
ARIANNE
WE missed HER. SHE missed US.
WE kiss HER.
SHE dances with US.
All Is Right In The World.
WE REMEMBER
WE fall asleep in HER arms.
WE WAKE UP
We are in The Ship.
WE REMEMBER
It is filled with FLESH and NOISE but SHE is Beautiful.
WE REMEMBER
We go to the place where SHE
We find FLESH and NOISE and OUR own corpse.
WE KNOW WHAT WE MUST DO
Anything.
We take what we need.
We are back in the mining facility.
It is filled with FLESH and NOISE, but it doesn't matter.
We are on Rot-Front.
The enemies look like me now.
This makes sense.
I was always a spiteful person.
We are in HER home now.
We need to understand HER.
The better to carve HER.
We walk through a Rot-Front housing block, collecting tarot cards and information about ARIANNE.
We stop a fire in the pipe works, which allows us to go past it and into the "Disinfection Room".
It is anything but.
Flesh is growing from the walls and out of the floor.
The Meat-grinder beyond it is worse.
I feel like I have to vomit.
We quickly pick up the items there and leave.
I don't ever want to go back there.
We go to the hospital room. We get a card.
Then I have a problem.
I don't see a way forward.
I re-search every room and recheck every locked door.
The hospital isn't there anymore. The way there is blocked by Flesh.
Of course. We took everything we needed. The NOISE is growing.
WE NEED TO HURRY
Every locked door is blocked by a key I don't have.
We look over the map again.
Then I curse out loud.
There is an Elevation Change symbol in the Meat-grinder.
...We go there.
We jump in the meat-grinder.
The hallway in the lower level is a pain. But we are making progress again.
We collect more cards.
We get into the Itou-Bookstore and find Isa there.
She looked everywhere, but she can't find HER.
Of course she can't.
WE are THE KNIFE.
Isa is FLESH.
It was always going to end this way.
Still, we beg for forgiveness, as she falls apart on herself.
… We collect a card.
We continue through the level.
Everywhere we have taken Everything from is blocked by Flesh. The NOISE devours everything we aren't focusing on.
We collect the final cards.
IT IS TIME
The final door opens.
We have to crawl through a hole again.
Then we are in HER room.
AGAIN.
The game tells me this is THE END
It doesn't need to.
WE ARE HERE
We walk through the final hallway.
The world is dying.
We reach the final room.
FALKE/US/THE FLESH waits for us there.
"Why did you return?"
The Final Work begins.
"There is nothing here for you"
One more time.
"She'll never dance with us again,..."
WRONG
"No matter what we do."
WRONG
"She doesn't even want us anymore"
WRONG
"Both of us are incomplete"
TRUE
"Let us become whole again"
YES
And then we carve.
WE are THE KNIFE
FALKE is THE FLESH
With every stab We carve the world into the shape in Our soul.
With every spear the world gets pinned down into what is Right and what is TRUE.
"Now we are one"
We've been waiting for this for a long time
WE are in the desert again.
Adler is there again.
He tries to stop us.
He fails.
WE walk into the desert again.
WE walk past our own corpses.
WE always return here.
WE reach The Ship.
SHE is here.
WE REACH OUT A HAND
The world grows quiet.
We climb onto the ship and pull on the hatch.
We're so close.
The hatch opens.
WE are BACK AGAIN
The Ship is still a nightmare. Slowly falling apart. Barely clinging on.
Worse than we remembered.
It doesn't matter.
We hurry on. We need to get to Her.
We find The Note.
We were never supposed to live.
We were sent here to die.
Hate flares in our hearts.
It doesn't matter.
We did it anyway.
We grow ever more frantic.
Through the radiation. Past the trash. Past the place where we failed.
It doesn't matter.
We need to go to Her.
The final door.
This is all that's left.
She lies there. In the cryopod.
Carved anew from THE FLESH.
We go to her.
WAKE UP
PLEASE
She moves, and our hearts stop beating.
Every muscle in our bodies feels like it is about to explode.
Our breath stops for an eternity.
"We've come back for you."
She doesn't react.
"It's us, Elster..."
PLEASE
"...Elster?"
"I'm sorry but I don't remember"
IT'S OKAY
"It's okay."
It's okay.
ICH BIN WIEDER ICH ABER DU BIST NICHT MEHR DU
I'm me again. But you aren't you anymore.
It's okay.
PLEASE
"Please,..."
Please
Just let me stay by your side, A little longer
…
She embraces us again.
All Is Right In The World.
Credits roll.
Chapter 4: A Desperate Desire For What Can Never Be Again
We stare at them.
We can't look away.
Our mouth moves, but no sound comes out.
We're crying, but our body isn't.
We sit there.
We sit there.
WE sit there.
...
How are we supposed to go on now?
…
We eventually get up from our chair.
We feel like we need to vomit.
We are pacing.
Our parents ask us what's wrong.
EVERYTHING
"Everything's good."
Later we share our experience online.
It helps.
But we are still restless.
We aren't sure how we are supposed to sleep like this.
But as we go to bed, we know.
She still feels so close.
Our eyes see nothing but our dark room.
But our soul sees a red desert.
She is here.
WE REACH OUT A HAND
…
…
…
Nothing happens.
I let my hand fall again.
Then I sleep.
…
…
…
I awaken the next day and it feels like there is a hole in my chest.
I feel sick.
I want to cry.
I want to go back.
I can't.
I'm even more restless than the day before.
I talk about it online again, in the same place. It helps. Again.
But I still feel an enormous lack.
Eventually I go to finally watch SB's Signalis play-through, hoping that it helps.
It doesn't.
Having another person play through it is,... so much less intense than what I'd just experienced.
It doesn't help that SB is very unlucky in terms of the impact of the parts that affected me the most.
She plays it in hour long chunks, rather than the frenzy of my second and third sessions.
She somehow managed to almost miss that the game goes on after chapter two, by hitting play and then quitting, thereby making the quit button actually work again.
And she was sick while playing Rot-front, the most emotional chapter. Regular sick, rather than the emotional haze I was in.
Still, that is no fault of SB's.
Watching her play-through didn't give me what I wanted, but nothing could have.
What watching did do, is bury that overwhelming longing I felt for the state I was in, the day before.
I hated it.
At least the longing was as intense as the state itself.
Without either,... I felt so much lesser.
It felt like the greatest moment of my life just happened and I just stood there and let it pass me by.
I...A part of me wished that I'd died that night. So I could stay in that moment forever.
…
It eventually got better.
I continued processing it, until remembering it didn't hurt so much any more.
I integrated it into who I am.
I am glad that I experienced it.
And my life improved from it.
I felt a sense of purpose I hadn't felt before.
I felt like I was better than I was before.
And I was. And I am.
Authors Note: I was scared when I started writing this essay. And writing the first chapter seemed to confirm my fears.
But writing everything after that put them to rest.
I am glad I wrote this.
It let me relive my experience in a way I didn't think was possible for me.
Also, for the record. I am okay.
My experience back then was intense, but it was in every moment positive.
Even during the moment, where I wanted to go back and stay there.
I included that moment, because it was important. Because it mattered. And because this essay wouldn't have been complete without it.
But I'm neither suicidal, nor unhappy with my life. OK?
Playing Signalis and writing this essay were both very intense and emotional experiences. But the good kind of intense.
I'm a better and happier person for these experiences.
So. Yeah.
I hope that this was also enjoyable as a reader. It certainly was enjoyable as a writer.
Wheeew.
Now back to my other proje... Back to my studies.
I,...maybe procrastinated just a little bit with this essay.
But it was extremely worth it.
Fun fact!: I played Signalis in three sessions and I wrote this essay in three days. Roughly writing through one session per day.
Also! Final Final Note: I know that Signalis has multiple endings. I ignore their existence, because they do not, could not, matter to me. So if you have questions about other endings or want to talk about them, don't bother me with that. OK? Good.
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