Heroes do cool shit. They fight monsters, finish quests, get a full night's sleep, and always...
Sharing Our Pain with These Idiots (Konosuba Fic/Friend Inserts)
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Prologue
Khawy
TITANNNNNNNNNNN
- Location
- The United States of America
Heroes do cool shit. They fight monsters, finish quests, get a full night's sleep, and always save the princess.
These are not heroes.
These are the guys who didn't make the cut.
These are the scrubs.
Scrubs do lame shit. They fight rats, do menial labor, sleep in a barn, and are dumped by the girl.
The world isn't fair, for every lucky person, ten more would suffer from bad luck. For every success, ten others fail. For every winner, there has to be a loser, or two, or three. For every hero, there is a countless number of scrubs silently suffering in the background. Get the drift?
Although, every now and then, some scrubs start acting out...
"No, don't. It'll fucking kill you, asshole. If you die, it's not on our asses." A drunk man leaning on another drunk man politely advises drunk man prime not to do something stupid.
"Dude, dude, dude. Dude. Dude." The drunk man rests his hand on the others shoulder, a massive grin on his face. "Fuck you. I'm doing it"
It seemed like a good idea at the time.
The gravestone says. The stupid scrub's friends scowl at it. Some of them mutter 'I told you so' under their breath.
----------------------
Some scrubs don't even realize their place; in fact, they believe themselves to be the chosen ones.
A young man stands at the pinnacle of a small mountain, breathing in the fresh air and crowing his superiority to an uncaring sky. Pride fills his heart, and his mocking glance graces those still struggling below. Unfortunately, a victorious pump leads to a fatal mistake, as the fall is sure to follow. He accidentally jumps too enthusiastically.
I regret nothing soon graces a headstone with no bones entombed below it.
----------------------
Luckily, they don't have to deal with that unfair world anymore. For there is another world out there, one with a depleting population. One that sorely needs anyone it could get to repopulate it. That new world is desperately in need of more scrubs-I mean, heroes to deal with its problem.
A tired man in a rumpled suit rushes around the empty room, catching the loose papers flying all over the place. Once he catches sight of the two individuals seated in two corresponding ornate chairs, he nervously scratches the back of his scruffy, black hair.
The assorted paperworks continue to flutter in the empty space, and the tired man continues to look inept in front of his two brand-new charges.
He fidgets a little, the cool air failing to soothe his burning face. "Hi there. Uh, I'm-I'm Norbac, one of the gods who work in the afterlife human resources department and here to, uhh, process. You." the suited man begins, his eyes doing their best to avoid the judging gazes of the two before him. "It's for reincarnation. You see, you, uh, both. Died. So, please stay calm and listen to what I have to say. We can get through this quickly, I promise, and we'll all be happier for it. Isn't that nice? It is, it is. Well, there are two things you can do. One, you guys can, well, restart from square one, by which I mean reincarnating as a baby with no memories, or move on to heaven-."
"Heaven, please," the stupid drunkard from before stands up proudly, smiling confidently. "God knows that I deserve to go to heaven."
"Uhh, you sure?" Norbac catches a floating paper by his side, looking over the contents of the paper as he turns to address the drunkard. "...Mister Erik?"
Erik angrily grumbles.
Norbac coughs in his fist before continuing on. "Well, see, here's the thing. Heaven isn't exactly what people imagine it to be. It's more like a retirement home. It's boring. You don't really get to do anything. You just exist, no bodies, no pleasure, no material goods. You just exist in a white space where you can bask in the glorious, eternal light of the sun."
"Ugh. Lame." The drunkard sits down grouchily.
"Anyways, you guys are actually in luck." Norbac tugs at his messy collar. "There just so happens to be an opening of sorts in another world. Well, you see, apparently there is a demon army culling the local population there. And the people who died to them refuses to, uhh, reincarnate there again. So, there is a shortage of souls which is dangerously dipping into the red. And we really need to bring the number up again."
"So, you want to send us to our death again?" The other man who has yet to speak up reveals his presence. The ambitious man scans his target.
"Oh, don't worry! I know that you guys won't, I mean, are a bit unprepared to tackle on the demon issue. But, because of my responsibility as a god, I am authorized to give you guys some advantages to ensure your survivability there!" The tired, bureaucratic god smiles reassuringly, with two thumbs up. "I believe you folks call it cheat power, ranging from super strength to magical items. Anyways, you can find the advantages I was talking about floating around you guys. But you can only get one, so, uhhh, try not to trip each other...."
"Hey, Norbac? Yeah, Norbac, I think we're still getting a raw deal in this situation. I mean, we just died, and we came from a very peaceful world to boot," The ambitious man gets up and stretches out his limbs. "How about this instead…" He strides up to the nervous god and wraps his strong brown arm around the god's scrawny neck. "You give us more powers to work with. How does five sound?"
"Umm… I don't think it works that way." Norbac grabs a paper floating by. "Mister…."
"Call me Jin," he cuts in smoothly, a disgustingly ingratiating smile crawling across his face. He steps forward, leaning in and resting hands gently on the table. Norbac resists the urge to wipe it off with a dishrag and settles for leaning back.
"Mister Jin-"
"Call me Blade." Jin cuts in, inspecting his nails.
Norbac audibly pauses, before forging ahead. "Mister...Blade...I'm afraid, uhh, it doesn't work that way. You see, it would go against my contract."
The drunkard from earlier joins in, and swings his scrawny brown arm over the bureaucrat. He flashes an equally disgusting smile at Blade.
"But-but-but, you need us, right? To go fight the demon king, so we can't be weak as common cannon fodder. You don't want us to die for nothing, right?" The slime works his magic, trying to worm his way into the overworked god's defense.
Blade discreetly cracks his neck, and sidles over to his other side. "That's right, he's got a good point. It would be terrible if we just died before we could do your bidding. Simply horrible. Why, failing you would surely see us die in horrible, terrible ways."
The drunkard chimes in. "Why don't you make me a god too? To give us a better fighting chance."
The god shakes and quivers under the pressure of the two laughing scumbags.
"I… I guess. But I'm sorry, Mister Eri-"
"Call me literally anything else."
"Call him Rein." Blade pushes.
Norbac frowns and Rein pauses.
"I don't think-" "Yeah, okay."
Norbac swivels to Rein more confused than before.
He shrugs and Blade hums in satisfaction. "Excellent."
"You cannot speak for hi-"
Rein smiles and sidles closer.
Norbac grinds his teeth, swallowing his words and forcing himself to go on. "I cannot make you a god. That would actually get me in trouble." The god struggles to get the two men off of him.
"How about this then," Blade speaks, eyes gleaming. "Let me call down the wrath of god - at will. Problem solved." He casually buffs his nails, but his anticipation revealed itself through shaking fingers.
Norbac swallows, then stops. His fingers discreetly clench under his desk, and a sick smile greets the two. "W-wrath of, of the gods? That sounds fine Mister Blade."
Rein cuts in, lazy eyes focused. "Turn me into a dragon."
Norbac stops and stares at the man. "Wha-"
"Turn me. Into. A dragon."
Norbac shakes his head. "No, Mister Rein-"
"Turn. Me. Into. A. Dragon."
Norbac stares at the man who seems to be growing more excited the more he rejects him. He sighs.
"Sure. You know what. Be a dragon." The soul crushing workloads that he has been given have finally revealed itself. The god just gives the offender a flat stare.
Rein visibly deflates at his assent, clearly disappointed for reasons Norbac has absolutely no interest in discovering any time soon.
Blade seems incredibly amused.
Norbac twitches his eyebrows.
"Does that means that I'm finally done dealing with you guys-I mean, are you guys all set with braving the demon army and go on adventures?" Suddenly, energy returns to the tired god, his back straight and smile wide.
"Yeah!" The scum duo, Blade and Rein pump their fist in anticipation, their clear enthusiasm warming Norbac's heart.
Great. Now just stay in the magic circle and don't move too much!" Norbac backs away, as a blue magic circle begins to encompass the two young men.
Norbac reaches out to a paper flying by, barely giving a glance to its content. He knows it all too well already. "Misters Blade and Rein." Norbac says, his voice resembling confidence. "You two will be heading to another world now and become one of the hero candidates to defeat the demon king. You will receive a gift from the gods the moment you defeat the demon king.
"Yes, a gift! A wish for anything you want. Anything your heart desires! Heroes, may you be the victors, among the sea of hero candidates. Rise above your mediocrity and defeat the demon king! I bid you farewell!"
Norbac gives the so-called heroes the birdie, before they are sent from this in-between realm. Too late did the heroes realize that they are being flipped off. Their bodies have already dematerialized halfway.
"Screw you fuckers!" A courteous, polite send off is what the two heroes hear before they fade away."
A bright light appears behind Norbac, whose back begins to sweat under the pressure of the new entity.
"These are the new heroes?"
The light states, somewhat in disbelief.
Norbac swallows heavily.
Author's note: Recently, I have been re-watching Konosuba and going through the books again. And currently, I am free from any obligations for a while and I have a lot of free time on my hand. Thankfully, I have a couple of friends who have ego problems, and I had thought it would be a good idea to observe them in a generic fantasy setting. So, I thought, why not write a friend insert about them in Konosuba?
So, here we are.
t-thanks @Bladestar123 and @erlking for letting me use their images as i please
SV's special notice: And yes, I'm totes Bondo on SB. I have proofs I swear.
Also Also: pls don't hurt me people who may notice that I'm not doing other important things ;_;
These are not heroes.
These are the guys who didn't make the cut.
These are the scrubs.
Scrubs do lame shit. They fight rats, do menial labor, sleep in a barn, and are dumped by the girl.
The world isn't fair, for every lucky person, ten more would suffer from bad luck. For every success, ten others fail. For every winner, there has to be a loser, or two, or three. For every hero, there is a countless number of scrubs silently suffering in the background. Get the drift?
Although, every now and then, some scrubs start acting out...
"No, don't. It'll fucking kill you, asshole. If you die, it's not on our asses." A drunk man leaning on another drunk man politely advises drunk man prime not to do something stupid.
"Dude, dude, dude. Dude. Dude." The drunk man rests his hand on the others shoulder, a massive grin on his face. "Fuck you. I'm doing it"
It seemed like a good idea at the time.
The gravestone says. The stupid scrub's friends scowl at it. Some of them mutter 'I told you so' under their breath.
----------------------
Some scrubs don't even realize their place; in fact, they believe themselves to be the chosen ones.
A young man stands at the pinnacle of a small mountain, breathing in the fresh air and crowing his superiority to an uncaring sky. Pride fills his heart, and his mocking glance graces those still struggling below. Unfortunately, a victorious pump leads to a fatal mistake, as the fall is sure to follow. He accidentally jumps too enthusiastically.
I regret nothing soon graces a headstone with no bones entombed below it.
----------------------
Luckily, they don't have to deal with that unfair world anymore. For there is another world out there, one with a depleting population. One that sorely needs anyone it could get to repopulate it. That new world is desperately in need of more scrubs-I mean, heroes to deal with its problem.
A tired man in a rumpled suit rushes around the empty room, catching the loose papers flying all over the place. Once he catches sight of the two individuals seated in two corresponding ornate chairs, he nervously scratches the back of his scruffy, black hair.
The assorted paperworks continue to flutter in the empty space, and the tired man continues to look inept in front of his two brand-new charges.
He fidgets a little, the cool air failing to soothe his burning face. "Hi there. Uh, I'm-I'm Norbac, one of the gods who work in the afterlife human resources department and here to, uhh, process. You." the suited man begins, his eyes doing their best to avoid the judging gazes of the two before him. "It's for reincarnation. You see, you, uh, both. Died. So, please stay calm and listen to what I have to say. We can get through this quickly, I promise, and we'll all be happier for it. Isn't that nice? It is, it is. Well, there are two things you can do. One, you guys can, well, restart from square one, by which I mean reincarnating as a baby with no memories, or move on to heaven-."
"Heaven, please," the stupid drunkard from before stands up proudly, smiling confidently. "God knows that I deserve to go to heaven."
"Uhh, you sure?" Norbac catches a floating paper by his side, looking over the contents of the paper as he turns to address the drunkard. "...Mister Erik?"
Erik angrily grumbles.
Norbac coughs in his fist before continuing on. "Well, see, here's the thing. Heaven isn't exactly what people imagine it to be. It's more like a retirement home. It's boring. You don't really get to do anything. You just exist, no bodies, no pleasure, no material goods. You just exist in a white space where you can bask in the glorious, eternal light of the sun."
"Ugh. Lame." The drunkard sits down grouchily.
"Anyways, you guys are actually in luck." Norbac tugs at his messy collar. "There just so happens to be an opening of sorts in another world. Well, you see, apparently there is a demon army culling the local population there. And the people who died to them refuses to, uhh, reincarnate there again. So, there is a shortage of souls which is dangerously dipping into the red. And we really need to bring the number up again."
"So, you want to send us to our death again?" The other man who has yet to speak up reveals his presence. The ambitious man scans his target.
"Oh, don't worry! I know that you guys won't, I mean, are a bit unprepared to tackle on the demon issue. But, because of my responsibility as a god, I am authorized to give you guys some advantages to ensure your survivability there!" The tired, bureaucratic god smiles reassuringly, with two thumbs up. "I believe you folks call it cheat power, ranging from super strength to magical items. Anyways, you can find the advantages I was talking about floating around you guys. But you can only get one, so, uhhh, try not to trip each other...."
"Hey, Norbac? Yeah, Norbac, I think we're still getting a raw deal in this situation. I mean, we just died, and we came from a very peaceful world to boot," The ambitious man gets up and stretches out his limbs. "How about this instead…" He strides up to the nervous god and wraps his strong brown arm around the god's scrawny neck. "You give us more powers to work with. How does five sound?"
"Umm… I don't think it works that way." Norbac grabs a paper floating by. "Mister…."
"Call me Jin," he cuts in smoothly, a disgustingly ingratiating smile crawling across his face. He steps forward, leaning in and resting hands gently on the table. Norbac resists the urge to wipe it off with a dishrag and settles for leaning back.
"Mister Jin-"
"Call me Blade." Jin cuts in, inspecting his nails.
Norbac audibly pauses, before forging ahead. "Mister...Blade...I'm afraid, uhh, it doesn't work that way. You see, it would go against my contract."
The drunkard from earlier joins in, and swings his scrawny brown arm over the bureaucrat. He flashes an equally disgusting smile at Blade.
"But-but-but, you need us, right? To go fight the demon king, so we can't be weak as common cannon fodder. You don't want us to die for nothing, right?" The slime works his magic, trying to worm his way into the overworked god's defense.
Blade discreetly cracks his neck, and sidles over to his other side. "That's right, he's got a good point. It would be terrible if we just died before we could do your bidding. Simply horrible. Why, failing you would surely see us die in horrible, terrible ways."
The drunkard chimes in. "Why don't you make me a god too? To give us a better fighting chance."
The god shakes and quivers under the pressure of the two laughing scumbags.
"I… I guess. But I'm sorry, Mister Eri-"
"Call me literally anything else."
"Call him Rein." Blade pushes.
Norbac frowns and Rein pauses.
"I don't think-" "Yeah, okay."
Norbac swivels to Rein more confused than before.
He shrugs and Blade hums in satisfaction. "Excellent."
"You cannot speak for hi-"
Rein smiles and sidles closer.
Norbac grinds his teeth, swallowing his words and forcing himself to go on. "I cannot make you a god. That would actually get me in trouble." The god struggles to get the two men off of him.
"How about this then," Blade speaks, eyes gleaming. "Let me call down the wrath of god - at will. Problem solved." He casually buffs his nails, but his anticipation revealed itself through shaking fingers.
Norbac swallows, then stops. His fingers discreetly clench under his desk, and a sick smile greets the two. "W-wrath of, of the gods? That sounds fine Mister Blade."
Rein cuts in, lazy eyes focused. "Turn me into a dragon."
Norbac stops and stares at the man. "Wha-"
"Turn me. Into. A dragon."
Norbac shakes his head. "No, Mister Rein-"
"Turn. Me. Into. A. Dragon."
Norbac stares at the man who seems to be growing more excited the more he rejects him. He sighs.
"Sure. You know what. Be a dragon." The soul crushing workloads that he has been given have finally revealed itself. The god just gives the offender a flat stare.
Rein visibly deflates at his assent, clearly disappointed for reasons Norbac has absolutely no interest in discovering any time soon.
Blade seems incredibly amused.
Norbac twitches his eyebrows.
"Does that means that I'm finally done dealing with you guys-I mean, are you guys all set with braving the demon army and go on adventures?" Suddenly, energy returns to the tired god, his back straight and smile wide.
"Yeah!" The scum duo, Blade and Rein pump their fist in anticipation, their clear enthusiasm warming Norbac's heart.
Great. Now just stay in the magic circle and don't move too much!" Norbac backs away, as a blue magic circle begins to encompass the two young men.
Norbac reaches out to a paper flying by, barely giving a glance to its content. He knows it all too well already. "Misters Blade and Rein." Norbac says, his voice resembling confidence. "You two will be heading to another world now and become one of the hero candidates to defeat the demon king. You will receive a gift from the gods the moment you defeat the demon king.
"Yes, a gift! A wish for anything you want. Anything your heart desires! Heroes, may you be the victors, among the sea of hero candidates. Rise above your mediocrity and defeat the demon king! I bid you farewell!"
Norbac gives the so-called heroes the birdie, before they are sent from this in-between realm. Too late did the heroes realize that they are being flipped off. Their bodies have already dematerialized halfway.
"Screw you fuckers!" A courteous, polite send off is what the two heroes hear before they fade away."
A bright light appears behind Norbac, whose back begins to sweat under the pressure of the new entity.
"These are the new heroes?"
The light states, somewhat in disbelief.
Norbac swallows heavily.
Author's note: Recently, I have been re-watching Konosuba and going through the books again. And currently, I am free from any obligations for a while and I have a lot of free time on my hand. Thankfully, I have a couple of friends who have ego problems, and I had thought it would be a good idea to observe them in a generic fantasy setting. So, I thought, why not write a friend insert about them in Konosuba?
So, here we are.
t-thanks @Bladestar123 and @erlking for letting me use their images as i please
SV's special notice: And yes, I'm totes Bondo on SB. I have proofs I swear.
Also Also: pls don't hurt me people who may notice that I'm not doing other important things ;_;
Last edited:
Takoe
Dad
- Location
- Xehafort
Put me in the fic as a full-DARKNESS! old man and I won't heckle you into oblivion. How's that sound?
Khawy
TITANNNNNNNNNNN
- Location
- The United States of America
Hmmm....Put me in the fic as a full-DARKNESS! old man and I won't heckle you into oblivion. How's that sound?
Yeah. This seems to be your speed.
Takoe
Dad
- Location
- Xehafort
Hmmm....
Yeah. This seems to be your speed.
Speed of DARKNESS! ranting or speed of heckling?