The idea is to make a "Poem writer's corner" and get other poem writers to post their work here...
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Durabys
Miaow! Break the Chains!
- Location
- the land of the Boii
- Pronouns
- He/Him
The idea is to make a "Poem writer's corner" and get other poem writers to post their work here.
A warning: Your Mileage May Vary. Some people hate poetry, some like it and some just want to help the author to become better. Please, be the latter group.
Originally? I was thinking about putting this together with original fiction works. But then I thought about it again and realized that this deserves a cathegory of its own. I will appreaciate any further discussion with the Admin staff if this really fits this sub-forum or not.
So without further ado..my handfull of short limerick-constructed poems. Criticism is permited and endorsed!
There once lived a chap
who was generally known as Jaap
stayed at home
with a silent hope
that he wouldn't ever become pope.
He lived and never looked back
was called lazy and slack
those were his days
which were like a haze
pity that it was all due his aching back.
Once there was a woman called River
who thought she could best a beaver
never has she realized the mistake
of thinking before jumping into that lake
that she would end up a pancake.
A man who was called Mike
also owned a large dike
at some later time, during summer
he got married to a woman called Hester.
After the divorce he could only hike.
The limerick is a poem of the comical,
of laugh that comes out as clinical.
If it wasn just for this,
it would have been bliss.
But it also pisses off the concerned individual.
There was man called Adya.
Who saw a street girl, Raya.
If it stayed at that,
he would also still have his hat.
Now he suffers a cold and chlamydia.
Where everymen had a tick.
They were a happy bunch.
If it wasn't for one little crunch.
In the form of it being on their dick.
There was house in Singapore,
which was home to an Elenore.
There was nothing severe,
except her being a seer.
No boyfriend of her could ever be sure anymore.
Let's get realistic. People think it is awful. And I think so too. I was thinking that at least some of those were at least somewhat good. I wrote this several years back and is, perhaps, not the current state of affairs. Please give me your constructive criticism.
e1
Constructive criticism:
This is how a limerick should look like, courtesy of @Username Redacted:
There once was a poet called Durabys,
Who stared quite too long at the abyss.
The abyss, it gazed back
and called the poet a hack
for his poems it found to be piss.
-by Username Redacted
e2
More constructive criticism by @Username Redacted:
Further ideas and musing by @Username Redacted.
A warning: Your Mileage May Vary. Some people hate poetry, some like it and some just want to help the author to become better. Please, be the latter group.
Originally? I was thinking about putting this together with original fiction works. But then I thought about it again and realized that this deserves a cathegory of its own. I will appreaciate any further discussion with the Admin staff if this really fits this sub-forum or not.
So without further ado..my handfull of short limerick-constructed poems. Criticism is permited and endorsed!
There once lived a chap
who was generally known as Jaap
stayed at home
with a silent hope
that he wouldn't ever become pope.
She was called Little Mary
but her real name was actually Rory
during darkest night
when there was no light
she danced in the sky chintzy mercury.
but her real name was actually Rory
during darkest night
when there was no light
she danced in the sky chintzy mercury.
He lived and never looked back
was called lazy and slack
those were his days
which were like a haze
pity that it was all due his aching back.
There once was a town called Limerick
where houses were made of brick
it was such a boring place
that the people have come up with a race
in writing poetry that has a kick.
where houses were made of brick
it was such a boring place
that the people have come up with a race
in writing poetry that has a kick.
Once there was a woman called River
who thought she could best a beaver
never has she realized the mistake
of thinking before jumping into that lake
that she would end up a pancake.
A beautiful young lady named Lena
who thought of herself as Xena
she was boxing, cutting and dodging
but never leaving her little lodging
most called her with a pejorative abbreviation – Luna.
who thought of herself as Xena
she was boxing, cutting and dodging
but never leaving her little lodging
most called her with a pejorative abbreviation – Luna.
A man who was called Mike
also owned a large dike
at some later time, during summer
he got married to a woman called Hester.
After the divorce he could only hike.
The limerick is a poem of the comical,
of laugh that comes out as clinical.
If it wasn just for this,
it would have been bliss.
But it also pisses off the concerned individual.
There was man called Adya.
Who saw a street girl, Raya.
If it stayed at that,
he would also still have his hat.
Now he suffers a cold and chlamydia.
That woman was never nice,
it was like she was made of ice.
We all know she wanted to look like an old spinster.
Always trying to look sinister.
But failing at it when she started giving couples sexual advice.
There was a town called Limerick.it was like she was made of ice.
We all know she wanted to look like an old spinster.
Always trying to look sinister.
But failing at it when she started giving couples sexual advice.
Where everymen had a tick.
They were a happy bunch.
If it wasn't for one little crunch.
In the form of it being on their dick.
Lucy would no longer wait!
She was going to look like a jail-bait.
You see? She was quite horny.
So the problem became quite thorny.
At least she will gain a useful erotic trait.
She was going to look like a jail-bait.
You see? She was quite horny.
So the problem became quite thorny.
At least she will gain a useful erotic trait.
There was house in Singapore,
which was home to an Elenore.
There was nothing severe,
except her being a seer.
No boyfriend of her could ever be sure anymore.
Let's get realistic. People think it is awful. And I think so too. I was thinking that at least some of those were at least somewhat good. I wrote this several years back and is, perhaps, not the current state of affairs. Please give me your constructive criticism.
e1
Constructive criticism:
This is how a limerick should look like, courtesy of @Username Redacted:
There once was a poet called Durabys,
Who stared quite too long at the abyss.
The abyss, it gazed back
and called the poet a hack
for his poems it found to be piss.
-by Username Redacted
e2
More constructive criticism by @Username Redacted:
e3
Further ideas and musing by @Username Redacted.
Last edited:
- Pronouns
- He/Him
...
You're aware that these are like, objectively awful, right?
You're aware that these are like, objectively awful, right?
1) I'm pretty sure this should go in User Fiction
2) These are awful. That, or 3 deep 5 me.
EDIT: I'd give you a more in depth analysis of the awfulness of your attempt at poetry, but I cannot bring myself to actually reread the entirety of it and it would be a stream of "this is fucking terrible why did you write it why", anyway.
2) These are awful. That, or 3 deep 5 me.
Like, are you serious? Really?
EDIT: I'd give you a more in depth analysis of the awfulness of your attempt at poetry, but I cannot bring myself to actually reread the entirety of it and it would be a stream of "this is fucking terrible why did you write it why", anyway.
Arkalest
ELOP Stan In The Streets, Dromok Under The Sheets
I...Think my brain is trying to find some sense in this. This is like reading the writing of someone with glossalia. You're pretty sure that there is a meaning in it, but you're not sure what meaning it is.
Or maybe my brain is simply refusing to accept that such a meaningless thing could exist in an ordered universe.
Mein gott in himmel, this feels like reading a poetry book from Chrischan himself.
...Is this.... Is this how having an existential crisis feels like? I am pretty sure that not even Leopardi's screaming at the heavens to denounce the cruelty of the Almighty and the senselessness of the world was this nihilistic.
Durabys
Miaow! Break the Chains!
- Location
- the land of the Boii
- Pronouns
- He/Him
I wrote it several years back. It is NOT current work.
e1: Also. Most of these verses were intended as limericks for Christs sake! When I was writing them I was told by a friend that the earlier drafts were "too nice and polite". I told him "fine" and went back to work.
e2
I do not want an in-depth analysis. I would like a general advice on small poetry (not limericks necessarily) if anything else.
ADDENDUM: Sorry that I am just replying now but I was in quite a shock for a time and I did not want to reply in full while my emotions were high.
e1: Also. Most of these verses were intended as limericks for Christs sake! When I was writing them I was told by a friend that the earlier drafts were "too nice and polite". I told him "fine" and went back to work.
e2
And you would not have some general advice for writing limericks? Please. I will say this: You are one of the few people I would not only listen to an advice but also try to implement it.
Yes, I have a minor existential crisis. No, the poetry got into "very bad" territory after a friend of me said that the original drafts were "too polite". Yes, I want to write better then this.
I agree that it should probably go into User Fiction.
I do not want an in-depth analysis. I would like a general advice on small poetry (not limericks necessarily) if anything else.
ADDENDUM: Sorry that I am just replying now but I was in quite a shock for a time and I did not want to reply in full while my emotions were high.
Last edited:
Username Redacted
I am a beetle for Christmas.
I'm no foamy, but I think you should keep in mind that a limerick is essentially a joke. If there's not a firm punchline in your mind, it's probably not going to work well as a limerick or pseudolimerick.
There once was a man from Lahore
Whose limericks stopt on line four.
When asked why that was,
He responded, "because."
I don't remember where I heard that one, but it illustrates the underlying principles of this genre of poetry pretty well. It's funny because you're expecting a fifth line in which the poem will be resolved with a clever, rhyming punch line. Even if you can't come up with an actual joke, you should at least give your limerick a firmly-defined point.
There once was a poet called Durabys,
Who stared quite too long at the abyss.
The abyss, it gazed back
and called the poet a hack
for his poems it found to be piss.
Cut me a little slack on that one -- I wrote it quickly to illustrate a couple of points. Consider the meter, for one thing
There once was a man from Lahore
Whose limericks stopt on line four.
When asked why that was,
He responded, "because."
I don't remember where I heard that one, but it illustrates the underlying principles of this genre of poetry pretty well. It's funny because you're expecting a fifth line in which the poem will be resolved with a clever, rhyming punch line. Even if you can't come up with an actual joke, you should at least give your limerick a firmly-defined point.
There once was a poet called Durabys,
Who stared quite too long at the abyss.
The abyss, it gazed back
and called the poet a hack
for his poems it found to be piss.
Cut me a little slack on that one -- I wrote it quickly to illustrate a couple of points. Consider the meter, for one thing
I don't know a lot about meter, but I know that rhyming lines should flow similarly. In the above example, it's not perfect, but the syllable counts are all very close, and the stress patterns are similar. Compare the breakdown I just did with this one:
There's three main problems, here -- first, the inconsistency between rhyming lines makes it really hard for me to tell what to stress and what to leave unstressed to preserve a pattern. Second, the inconsistency itself is a bad thing -- it destroys the cohesiveness of the poem. Finally, there doesn't seem to be much of a point to the poem itself. A good limerick concludes with some shift in the audience's perception. For instance, the one I just composed (which I don't claim is good) goes from "There's a poet" to "he's gazing into the abyss, thinking dark thoughts" to "the abyss is gazing back" to "the abyss thinks his poems are dumb." There's a juxtaposition there that surprises the audience, throws off their expectations, and injects a bit of humor.
Durabys
Miaow! Break the Chains!
- Location
- the land of the Boii
- Pronouns
- He/Him
*furiously makes notes*I'm no foamy, but I think you should keep in mind that a limerick is essentially a joke. If there's not a firm punchline in your mind, it's probably not going to work well as a limerick or pseudolimerick.
There once was a man from Lahore
Whose limericks stopt on line four.
When asked why that was,
He responded, "because."
I don't remember where I heard that one, but it illustrates the underlying principles of this genre of poetry pretty well. It's funny because you're expecting a fifth line in which the poem will be resolved with a clever, rhyming punch line. Even if you can't come up with an actual joke, you should at least give your limerick a firmly-defined point.
There once was a poet called Durabys,
Who stared quite too long at the abyss.
The abyss, it gazed back
and called the poet a hack
for his poems it found to be piss.
Cut me a little slack on that one -- I wrote it quickly to illustrate a couple of points. Consider the meter, for one thing
I don't know a lot about meter, but I know that rhyming lines should flow similarly. In the above example, it's not perfect, but the syllable counts are all very close, and the stress patterns are similar. Compare the breakdown I just did with this one:
There's three main problems, here -- first, the inconsistency between rhyming lines makes it really hard for me to tell what to stress and what to leave unstressed to preserve a pattern. Second, the inconsistency itself is a bad thing -- it destroys the cohesiveness of the poem. Finally, there doesn't seem to be much of a point to the poem itself. A good limerick concludes with some shift in the audience's perception. For instance, the one I just composed (which I don't claim is good) goes from "There's a poet" to "he's gazing into the abyss, thinking dark thoughts" to "the abyss is gazing back" to "the abyss thinks his poems are dumb." There's a juxtaposition there that surprises the audience, throws off their expectations, and injects a bit of humor.
Ah. Okay. At least finally someone who actually contributes.
Eh? So not even one of those "things" of mine are even close to being good?
Username Redacted
I am a beetle for Christmas.
I wouldn't say that. I feel like I see a couple of themes that could be elaborated on to make some good poems, but I don't think that any of what you have right now is suitable for being a limerick. The limerick creates an expectation in the audience of a very specific kind of impact and humor, and when that expectation isn't met, the reaction usually isn't a positive one.
Also, as a bit of specific advice, I would purge the term jail-bait from your artistic vocabulary. The only artist who could use it without cheapening or sullying the work in question was Nabokov.
Username Redacted
I am a beetle for Christmas.
Oh -- apropos of almost nothing at all, are you a native French speaker?
Durabys
Miaow! Break the Chains!
- Location
- the land of the Boii
- Pronouns
- He/Him
Haha.
Nope. I am Czech. I am just currently studying for CPE exams. I already have already gained the CAE level. I wanted to post my old poems, that were collecting dust by now, so that I could gain a greater understanding of the English language from constructive criticism for the exam.
Username Redacted
I am a beetle for Christmas.
That's a shame.Haha.
I can muddle through French fine, but I can't read a word of Czech. I was going to suggest trying a bit in your native language, as that might help to get a feel for it.Something that I would recommend if you want to try more limericks is pick someone you can lightheartedly insult (a friend, someone on here who won't get upset, or just make someone up) and write an insulting limerick about that person.
For instance, if I were a far-right nutjob, I might write:
There once was a Kenyan: Obama,
whose electoral status caused drama
The Muslims voted him in
To begin the world's end
While he drinks with his best friend Osama.
If I were more liberal, on the other hand, I could do something like this:
Have you heard of the pundit Glenn Beck?
That man is simply a wreck.
It's hard, you will find
To stay open of mind
Around people who parrot his dreck.
EDIT: Okay, so those aren't exactly lighthearted. Neither was entirely serious, though, so I'm just gonna go with it.