Canon Side-Story: ToDoList, Sakura Learns to Cook New
Another week above $70 on the Patreon, another side-story. This one is a ToDoList item, where things that Sakura does something she's wanted to do for a while, but the progressive nature of real chapters hasn't allowed for it. (Though this might actually have fit in arc 5, whoops.)
This is a little on the shorter end, but I just genuinely couldn't think of more to put here that wouldn't make the scene objectively worse just to fish for length.
I think in the future if I put small items like this on the vote I'll double it up with something else that also needs to get done. I don't think it's a big deal here, since we get another sidestory tomorrow, but just in general, someone paid to vote for this, I'd like it to be big enough that I have to scroll down to get it all on in the SV/SB post box.

To be clear this does take place pre-chapter 89, not that that means anything to most of you, but it's an important distinction for those that are there. If you would like to read CH 89 instead of waiting, with the break, 8 weeks to get there. Uhhh, patreon is a thing. Linktree down below, has the discord and Kofi too.
Let's watch Sakura learn to cook.
Sendicard/WitchAtTheEnd | Linktree


Crafting tutorial done, Tenten annoyed, it's time for Sakura to do something she promised herself she'd do to show Kakashi a long time ago. At least, it feels like a long time ago.

She's going to learn how to cook. "Haku, I need help!" She barges into the house, finding him already in the kitchen and in the middle of cutting a pepper.

"Sakura?" He looks at her with a slightly tilted gaze, and no small amount of clear confusion on his soft features. She's her softboy streamer alright, he's useful for more than just that though; he's useful for cooking tutorials!

"I got a skill to help me learn crafting skills so now I want to learn cooking so I can tell Kakashi to screw off the next time he does something insulting." She's pretty sure he did something insulting, she doesn't really remember.

"Skill?" Haku asks her. Which is a weird question, as she's definitely told him about - wait… Did she not tell him? She definitely told him, she had to have told him, but what if she didn't?

Not the time, she decides she'll deal with that later, maybe she has, maybe she hasn't. "I need to learn how to cook." Sakura explains, reaching down and taking the knife from Haku's gentle hand. She uses it to slice through the pepper, completing Haku's task. "There, I did you a favor, help me!"

"Sakura, I don't think cutting one pepper I was already in the middle of cutting counts as- sure." Haku's always so agreeable, it's nice. The toneless expression is one of care and comfort, she's sure. "Stand here, no, here." He moves her around the kitchen, taking her hands from behind her, and getting into a position that most would find intimate. For Sakura, it's a little embarrassing to feel his heat so close to her, his hard chest against her back, but it's more like a sibling helping her with something than anything intimidating or awkward. It helps Haku doesn't feel so much like a guy to her. As far as she's concerned, Haku's just a person, and he's very comfortable to be around so there's not much point in thinking about it further.

"So rice needs this much water per ounce-"

She's not sure why but after about twenty minutes, she finds several Narutos watching them. He could just come over and learn how to cook too! But running through the meal is nice, and it really makes her appreciate just how much effort Haku is putting into-

"No, too much, that's too much!" She's never heard Haku get so passionate before, but apparently too much onion is one of those things.

"But onions are good." She points out. He's so much taller than her that she has to look up and back to give him her totally earned and valid pout.
"No." He slides the knife - using her hand - across the cutting board and pushes the rest aside. "Just like with the salt, there's a point where you're using too much and no longer are you just making the dish better in its natural state."

"So I have to worry about changing the dish even while I make it?" Sakura asks. "Isn't that what cooking is? Making new things?"

"Only if you want the entire house to secretly throw your food away when you're not looking." Haku warns her with a grumble, "you should save experimentation for when you have a few extra ryo and you want to make something for just you. After you're sure you have a winning dish, you can test it out with everyone else. But cooking for your family is rote memorization, so memorize with me. You should also get into the habit of judging your own cooking, that way you won't get offended if someone has feedback, and you can constantly improve. Remember, someone wouldn't make a suggestion on matters of taste if they didn't care, they want it to be better because they want to enjoy eating it."

"Oh, okay." By the time she gets the prompt to say she's learned [Cooking LVL 1] she finds she's lost almost all her interest in the idea. It's still cool though! If nothing else, she appreciates Haku more for all the things he does, and also, it's good to know she can get some nice huggy warmth from the boy without it being weird. Naruto always makes it kind of weird.

"So about skills…" Haku begins.

"I have to go bother Ino, bye!" Yeah she'll uh, have that conversation later. Did she really not tell him? He has to be forgetting.
 
I remember a really cool moment in, I think it's a fanfiction, where the Gentle Fist got fucked for Hiashi before he laughed and said something like "if you think the Gentle fist is my only method, you're an idiot." Before he just beat the absolute shit out of the enemy.
It was fucking awesome.

So, what we need is someone to put Neiji into a false-death state, so that his seal triggers and makes him blind.

Only for him to go on kicking ass anyway. Probably making use of Gai-sensei's absurd training - I'm fairly sure he would teach all his students to fight blind.
 
So, what we need is someone to put Neiji into a false-death state, so that his seal triggers and makes him blind.

Only for him to go on kicking ass anyway. Probably making use of Gai-sensei's absurd training - I'm fairly sure he would teach all his students to fight blind.
I think that it also destroys a persons brain? Theoretically still survivable but you'd probably need a replacement-brain to do that.
 
Sage this fic is awesome. Love Sakura's absolutely wild outlook on life.
The feedback on the story has gotten a lot lesser in the last few weeks to month or so, so I do appreciate the praise.
Thank you. I genuinely need more of this in my life.

There was a time where I had to turn off push notifications because every time I updated I'd get a notif every 3 minutes for the next two days.
Hype has definitely died down. It's a natural consequence of the story being 10 months old now, and me having made several non-people pleasing decisions.
I bet it'll get even quieter in Arc 5, I make several decisions I know for a fact aren't going to be super popular. Lost like 6 patrons over one of them, at least I think that's why.

But, I'll always read every comment, and smile at every bit of praise.
And uh, I like my decisions, so you know, screw everyone who doesn't XD

The writer is the story's first reader, and the only person who is required to maintain interest.
 
Canon Side-Story: Forest of Death, That Time Naruto Got Eaten New
Here's your second side-story of this week, voted on by the $10 patrons.
I hope you guys are doing well!
Voting for the next round of side stories is on Monday.
Next chapter is next Friday. Using my outlining time well.
Sendicard/WitchAtTheEnd | Linktree

Watching them collect water from a little river that runs through the training grounds, Ino can't help but feel that they're maturing. They would have made this some kind of contest just a day ago, but here they're just getting water like normal people. "You know, it's a little surprising to find a river built into a training ground like this." Naruto says, looking around himself for the first time.

"How else would the monsters be getting water?" Sasuke snorts, shaking his head at the blond boy. "They need a lot of it, they're huge." Okay, maybe they're more tired than maturing.

"I know I just, it's a lot." Naruto shrugs, "Sakura's whole thing with Wave has me thinking about infrastructure, and just how much logic goes into every decision. Do you think they built this training ground here because of the river, or that the river was built because they wanted to make a training ground here?"

Sasuke just shrugs, while she gets off her perch to approach him. He just said something that caught her ear, "what about Sakura and Wave?" She hadn't told her a whole lot about it, just that it was a big deal and she has some trauma she'll be working off until she's in her thirties.

"Um-er-" before he can manage to squeak out anything but an awkward sound, she sees something in the water.

"What's tha-" She instinctively pushes him forward with both arms before her brain even catches up to her, and her eyes watch him fly past razor sharp teeth and into the throat of a giant scaled beast that splashes out of the water. It slams webbed feet down onto the wet dirt with enough force to shake the ground underneath her. Its teeth clamp shut where Naruto was just half a second ago, revealing that her instinct probably saved his life, at least for the moment. "Giant monster-" She takes it in quickly, mind whirling at record pace. It's easily fifty times her size, scaled flesh, giant spikes on its back - It dives back down with a splash that shoots water up high before she can finish looking at it. She doesn't wait for that water to land on her, she's off like a bullet. Her legs take her off the dirt and into the river, landing on its back and grabbing one of those spikes as quickly as she can, holding on with both hands before it dives deeper with her on it. "Save us, Sasuke!" She shouts, unsure if she even fully gets her message out before she's garbled by the water overtaking her face.

Standing there on the shore, Sasuke watches it all happen with an almost detached look in his eyes. He reaches into his pocket, and pulls out a silver coin, flicking it up with a thumb and watching it rise. "Heads I save them, tails I let the idiots handle it." He mumbles tiredly, only moving slightly to catch the coin when it falls.

"Tails…" He glares at it with a frown, watching it shimmering in his hand, before sighing to himself nice and slow, in and out. With a belabored effort, he grabs the coin and flips it onto its face. "If you're unsure, flip a coin, if you're disappointed, flip it over." He recites advice given to him by an old man, before nodding, and jumping onto the water's surface. Sakura's not the only one that picked up better control in Wave.



"Hey, Naruto, what's up?." Sliding down into the giant fish's belly isn't her best cosmetic move, the gooey nonsense coating her hair is probably going to take forever to clean. It's so sticky, and yet slimy and slippery. How does one make a substance that's all three bad things at once? The only way to make it worse would be if it stains.

But looking at the boy sitting on the corpse of a smaller fish waiting in the monster's stomach while laying his head back on a fleshy bulb inside the monster, makes it worth it. He's alive, and not currently being torn apart by horrific acid, which is just a huge plus to her day. He's holding a hastily put together torch in one hand, which is the only reason either of them can see. Sasuke's been making them with a bunch of other cool make-shift tools. He's gotten really handy and good with his hands, working with them appears to be his stress response. She's observed that doing something useful makes him feel like he's not as doomed. All that said, she'd probably prefer it if he hadn't made the torch, as she'd rather not see the interior bulbousness of this monster.

"Hey, Ino, I'm just hanging out," Naruto says, holding out a small object that Ino quickly realizes is a flopping fish struggling in his hold, "fish?"

"Uh, sure," she takes it from him, admiring its shimmery scale, "shouldn't we get stabbing our way out or something?"

"Sakura says to save energy when a better plan exists," Naruto shrugs, "and I'm actually really tired. I'm using this opportunity to rest because Kakashi's probably not going to come into the fish to-oh come on!" It's at that moment, when a masked man with silver hair slides down the fish's gullet, proving to Ino and Naruto that there is no end to the lengths he will go to fuck with them.

"It's been two hours." Kakashi explains, "get ready."




"Thanks for saving us!" Hanging off of Sasuke like this, with her arms wrapped around him and her whole body a little ragdolled for the effort, she can't help but feel like this is too much like her earlier acts as a fangirl.

Unlike those though, this is legitimate. She could not be more grateful right now. The fish's insides were surprisingly nice and soft, up until Kakashi started spin kicking Naruto into the walls, from there everything got very hectic, and well, whatever Sasuke had to do to kill the thing and drag it ashore didn't help her balance. She's never had her face in so much flesh before, and she'd prefer it if she never did again.

"Dummy." Sasuke's new nickname for her is very nice, it's much better than 'fangirl bitch' as she's heard him call her several times, and 'crazy witch,' when he knew she was within hearing range. At least he's got the tact to be a little more gentle to her face, she gets the feeling that could have not been the case very easily; especially if she'd ever done anything truly crazy. Screw the fanclub, she's glad it's gone, they were insane. Poor Sasuke…

"Alright, your turn, Sasuke." An authoritative voice says, and she totally understands when Sasuke kicks her aside into the grass. Kakashi's after him, he needs to go!

"Run Sasuke, run!" Both Ino and Naruto echo at him.
 
"Sakura says to save energy when a better plan exists," Naruto shrugs, "and I'm actually really tired. I'm using this opportunity to rest because Kakashi's probably not going to come into the fish to-oh come on!" It's at that moment, when a masked man with silver hair slides down the fish's gullet, proving to Ino and Naruto that there is no end to the lengths he will go to fuck with them.
Kakashi: Heard you were talkin shit
 
At this point I can't help but feel like it's intended to give them Learned Helplessness or something.
He explained the motivation before the training even began. It's to teach them that Sakura's really not that bad, while also prepping them for real encounters with people that actually want to hurt them and will take advantage, because he wants to send them to the Chunin exams.
(Also like, survival training, which they're getting pretty good at but that's not content and I can't really show that, it'll come up a lot during the Chunin exams.)

But he's still an asshole. I mean, it's Kakashi.
 
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He explained the motivation before the training even began. It's to teach them that Sakura's really not that bad, while also prepping them for real encounters with people that actually want to hurt them and will take advantage, because he wants to send them to the Chunin exams.
(Also like, survival training, which they're getting pretty good at but that's not content and I can't really show that, it'll come up a lot during the Chunin exams.)

But he's still an asshole. I mean, it's Kakashi.
I'm willing to believe that that's what he believes, despite it seeming to not really teaching anything about the difference between good survival strategies and bad ones, because you say as much.

I'm still going to believe that it was what whoever he plagiarized it from intended it to do unless you say otherwise though; he just doesn't seem capable enough of anticipating how other people react or develop beliefs or behaviors and whatnot based on his actions to devise training methods of his own or to properly apply the ones he stole.
 
Remember Kakashi basically skipped all of his education via fast forward and even as a Genin team all he was learning is teamwork - he had raw talent cover everything else.
 
Remember Kakashi basically skipped all of his education via fast forward and even as a Genin team all he was learning is teamwork - he had raw talent cover everything else.
Yeah that's why I believe that he would at best copy the education methods of others and apply them poorly. Or rather apply them perfectly to the wrong targets; ones which would react and develop entirely differently then who they were originally made for or who they were being used on when he originally copied them. I think that it's something like Fanon at this point.
 
Yeah that's why I believe that he would at best copy the education methods of others and apply them poorly. Or rather apply them perfectly to the wrong targets; ones which would react and develop entirely differently then who they were originally made for or who they were being used on when he originally copied them. I think that it's something like Fanon at this point.
So one of the major ways this story is AU is the "bare minimum" rule.
For the things we're shown, or I assert, to make sense; there has to be a bare minimum logical attachment.

A Konoha that functions the way it's shown but doesn't at least check in on Sasuke after the Massacre, doesn't make sense. So Sasuke has a guy he talks to.
A Konoha that is actually hidden, but still has merchant travel, doesn't make sense, so you can find Konoha on a map.
A Konoha that has a functional, mobile military, but only passes a few teams a year, doesn't make sense. So some Genin pass to a lesser degree and go to a Chunin tutor for hire kind of system, where Chunin take on disciples that they're paid to teach by the students, and are paid by the village to take out on missions occassionally.
And a Konoha that just allows any Jonin to pick up Genin at random without any sort of checks and balances, doesn't function. Because Jonin are crazy, wouldn't understand kids, and would lead many of them to their death randomly.
So Kakashi had to pass an exam before they would let him have the kids.

Now, a Konoha that didn't make him take a class, totally exists.
A Konoha that would sign off on Kakashi going "Hey I wanna shove my kids into the forest of death and beat the shit out of em every few hours for a week" totally exists.
So there is a bare minimum level of competence here, but expecting Kakashi to be a mostly incompetent dick is uh, totally fair XD

I do think it needs to be noted though, that while the dungeon has felt very long.
The kids have only actually been in the Forest of Death for like a few days now. This hasn't been months or anything weird like that.
So I don't think Kakashi has crossed any weird lines yet... Except for when he dismembered Naruto but like, come on, who hasn't wanted to dismember Naruto? (I'm like 99% sure that chapter's been posted, if it hasn't, whoops.)
 
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