AN1// This is a continuation of Division and the first part in the series can be found here Not...
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Hiver | 63 |
She's a Hiver SI who decided that she liked being a lesbian starship better than a straight human male.
Yes, but I meant compared to the normal protag of this series.She's a Hiver SI who decided that she liked being a lesbian starship better than a straight human male.
Ivy is the fork of Star from the last story.Yes, but I meant compared to the normal protag of this series.
Technically, all of the Federation AI are Hiver AI, and about half of them prefer to be female, so that is not enough information.She's a Hiver SI who decided that she liked being a lesbian starship better than a straight human male.
Some things can only be properly expressed by purring, I'd discovered. That wasn't anything I really realized before picking a Caitian avatar.
A strong backrub, chocolate, the corona of a star.
The reason I felt like purring like a housecat this time was the last one. The outer corona, to be clear. I could actually feel the photon pressure on my sunside, plasma, radiation and base particles whirled and slid across my shields and it felt great.
I have no idea how I would describe the feeling to a non-ship. It was a pretty amazing feeling to be right next to a massive star and feel its fury slide across me. I couldn't stay here forever, my shields were at maximum and holding, but there was a limit to how long that would last.
But I could handle it for a day or so and it was not a feeling I got to experience often. And the way the particles spun and danced was so pretty.
This should be either 'with a flashlight' or 'by flashlight'. Other than that, I didn't notice anything more than what Lagrange pointed out.
I drifted through space, tumbling softly on three axis as my crew struggled to get everything going manually.
- the plural of Axis is Axes
Of course, normally if the AI simply disengaged they could simply flip a couple of switches and everything would work of the normal computer. But what fun would a drill be if it showed the best possible scenario?
- missing 'it'
So I simulated a complete main computer crash. Secondary sub processors only. Complete AI shutdown. Even my avatar was laying on the floor in the corridor. I think I managed to do the death scene justice.
- sentence fragment. Probably should be something like "The crew was left with only secondary sub processors" or "I left the ship running on secondary sub processors only"
"Try it now!" Merilyn called out from inside the maintenance hatch.
No AI meant no maintenance bots, meaning Merilyn Wallace, my chief engineer hard to do some crawling through ducts herself to get at simulated errors. Luckily she was a rather tiny woman so it was easier for her than most.
- should be "had" unless Merilyn is meant to have odd speech patterns
"It say Error 69: Something went wrong," the rather unfortunately named Daniel Danielson, one of her assistants called back into the jefferies tubes, unable to see her from one of said maintenance bots having collapsed in the middle of it, barely giving Merilyn space to squeeze past.
- should be 'says'
- Also, the entire paragraph is a single run-on sentence. It should be broken up into smaller indivual sentences.
"What!? Who the hell write these!? That's not helpful!" Merilyn yelled back before she snarled to herself and crawled further into the tube, "Maybe there is another break further down the line."
- Unless Merilyn is meant to have unusual speech patterns, the first word should be "writes" or "wrote", and the second should be contracted as "there's"
They they kept trying to track down the error to get the main computer to stop sprouting gibberish at them, Doctor Hiroki Yamamoto was looking quite cross with the entire situation as he went over supplies in sickbay and getting ready for possibly wounded.
- First bit has two "they" repeated. Probably should be "While they[...]", or possibly "While the engineers [...]". The rest of the sentence is a run-on sentence that contains multiple concepts. Perhaps write it as "While the engineers kept trying to track down the error to get the main computer to stop spouting gibberish at them, Doctor Hiroki Yamamoto was looking quite cross with the entire situation. The doctor was going over supplies in sickbay, getting ready for possile wounded.
He was a man in his fifties, tall and lanky, really thin. Which was kinda amusing considering he was also the ships chef. I had checked, he eat as much as everyone else on board, but some people have those genes I guess.
- "ships" is meant to be possessive, so should be "ship's"
- unless you are using the word 'had' for emphasis, this would typically be written "I checked, [...]". You would use the word 'had' if you wanted to indicate that something was different now as opposed to when the checking took place. For example, "I had checked, but he went to a gene doctor afterwards just to mess with me."
- "eat" should either be "ate" or "eats". As the chef is still living when the writing takes place, "eats" is probably more correct here.
"Would it hurt you to leave the lights on!?" He growled at the ceiling and I mentally grinned in amusement. A rather sarcastic man the nice doctor.
A power surge apparently blew every light in sickbay, not including the weak red emergency lights so he was now doing inventory with flashlight.
- This sentence has mixed tenses; you might want to write it as "A power surge had blown [...]"
- missing the trailing comma after the word "lights"; it should be "lights,"
- the sentence implies that the red emergency lights are still functioning but are too dim to use for inventory purposes. I think that's what was meant, but if you meant something else, it would need to be rephrased.
- "with flashlight" should be "by flashlight" or "with a flashlight"
Despite his grumbling and complaining beneath his breath, he was doing a good job and was actually well ahead of where he should be despite the lack of normal lighting. He was a good doctor. His bedside manner however... might need some work at times.
My biggest problem was my lead scientist. An andorian woman named Jhita Zh'azaaqar. She was mostly looking bored about the entire situation and while she was technically gathering up the science staff and assisting engineering with what needed to be done, she did it with one eye on the novel on her PADD and one eye on the readings on the screen in front of her.
Normally I would be kinda pissed about that, but she [color="red"were[/color] technically doing her job and she knew it [color="red"]was not[/color] a real emergency and not like those readings needed her complete attention. Even so, I needed to have a talk with her about that kind of thing.
- "were" should be "was"
- "was not" should be contracted as "wasn't"
- You've added another partial sentence with the word 'and' there, but typically you want to only add that once per sentence instead of twice. Break that off and make another sentence there. Perhaps "[...] a real emergency. It wasn't like those readings [...]"
The command conduit read as repaired, so I gave them access to the main computer. Now there [color="red"was[/color] just a couple of steps to get back to manual control.
[i]- "was" should be "were" - "was" is singular, "were" is plural, and so it has to match "steps" which is also plural. There was one step, there were several steps.[/i]
All in all, I think the crew would get a 'pass, but improvement needed' rating on this exercise. At least they didn't waste time trying to get my avatar operational. If the entire ship went down like this, my avatar would likely be completely fried as well. [color="red"]A quick check where she fell to see if she would reboot and then off to do something more important.[/color]
- This sentence is incomplete. It is also missing a verb after the word "then". Perhaps "They performed a quick check [...] and then went off to do something more important."
I should schedule another exercise like this in a couple of months. Maybe throw in some other complications like... let's say failing life support so they need to prioritize a bit more.
A subspace vibration pulled my attention and I tuned in to the channel even if it was rather full of static, "...is the USS 'Enterprise' We were hit by a ion storm and I have suffered heavy systems damage. My warp and impulse drives are down and my lifesupport is unstable. We require immediate assistance."
- The phrase is "drew my attention". If the word "pulled" is used, you would need to say something like "[...] pulled my attention toward it, and I [...]". This is just a case of English being weird; there's no actual rule behind this.
Hmm. She was kinda cute actually. Her chosen avatar was a human in her early twenties, shoulder length brown hair, command uniform. Rather... stacked. Reminded me of back when I was Star.
-A note; sentence fragments are fine when they're being used to express a character's train of thought. Even though I've commented on them previously, this one is fine.
"USS 'Enterprise' this is the LOU 'Roll for Initiative' responding to your distress call. I'm on my way." I sent back to her.
She didn't answer, instead she simply repeated her message again.
Well, if she was hit by a ion storm, it was no wonder her systems were fucked up, including her receiver and transmitters. The static and distortions fit for that kind of damage.
Starting to power everything up and returning to normal status, I formed a hologram in engineering, "Sorry guys, I'm afraid we have to cut this short." I explained at the confused looks I was getting, "I'm getting a distress call from the USS Enterprise." I said before I explained what had happened.
- There should be a paragraph break after her sentence there, because of the way dialogue is written. Like so:
Starting to power everything up and returning to normal status, I formed a hologram in engineering, "Sorry guys, I'm afraid we have to cut this short."
I explained at the confused looks I was getting, "I'm getting a distress call from the USS Enterprise." I said before I explained what had happened.
- English is weird like this: you can have the paragraph before or after the dialogue, but you can't have both. This also needs to be a new paragraph.
"What class is she? Wait, the Enterprise is a Island, right?" [color="red"Marrilyn[/color] asked as she crawled out of the maintenance access.
[i]- "a" should be "an" unless Merilyn is meant to have odd speech patterns.
- Merilyn's name changed spelling. "Marrilyn" should be "Merilyn" unless you have two crew members with similar names.[/i]
"The USS Enterprise is a Island class vessel." I confirmed and brought a hologram up in the middle of the air, "Crew of over three thousand people."
[i]- This is fine. "Dialogue," sentence, "dialogue" is fine, when sentence, "dialogue" sentence is not. This is because english is [u]weird.[/u] [/i]
Drake slowly shook his head, "...And what exactly are we going to do about that? I mean, if she has taken that much damage..."
"Help provide power for one thing." I told him, "And my systems are working perfectly[color="red"],[/color] I may be way smaller, but we should do what we can to help her."
- the comma should be a period.
"Hey, I didn't say we shouldn't go, just that I was unsure what we COULD do to help."
He had a point really. I had a crew of sixty. If pure cubage, I would have fit inside the hangar of a Island class ship even if my shape was all wrong. There was really only so much we could do to help, the Enterprise was just so big.
- There are some missing words here. It should probably be something like, "If we just compared pure cubage, [...]"
- This comma should be a semicolon; a semicolon is used when you glue two sentences together that would otherwise stand on their own.
- Word choice - if used for emphasis, consider italicizing the word "so". Otherwise, "too" would be more commonly used.
I nodded, "I know. But we should still try. Everyone, get your departments ready. Yellow alert. Just for fun, I think we will treat this like a hot rescue in a combat zone."
Couldn't hurt. I really think the distress signal was genuine, but getting disabled by a mine or something in the middle of a pirate trap would just be embarrassing after everything I have lived through so far.
- Tense again- "think" should be "thought"
AN// Unbetaed due to no volunteers. If you see anything that need to be fixed, please PM it to me and I'll fix it when I can.
this sentence might flow better if you change 'drive' to 'field'.The first warning you might get was your warp drive collapsing and then you had like twenty minutes until the storm itself hit.
What? no AAA? State Farm? Progressive Insurance?So, stop me if you've herd this one. A Feddie, a Jovian and a Cardassian are stuck on the side of the road...
Hmm, Rifts... The possibilities.
I doubt that any of the three of them piloting a Glitterboy, a SAMAS, or the SDF-1* will be the punchline of said joke.So, stop me if you've herd this one. A Feddie, a Jovian and a Cardassian are stuck on the side of the road...
Hmm, Rifts... The possibilities.
shows up