My oldest memory was one of pain and cold, and the beating of great wings against howling wind. And a feeling that I had gained something vital at the cost of losing something precious.
It was not long after that I learned the terms of the exchange. As I lay, moaning and mumbling in pain as the coppery liquid dribbled from my lips, 'twas my sister who alerted me of the boon I had received.
"You can speak," she exclaimed, new tears filling her eyes to join the old, "by the fury, Aulaunt, did it only take all the snow in Coerthas being dumped upon us for you to learn?!"
It wouldn't be until much later that what had been lost was made clear to me. My memory. I knew this girl to be my sister, but until she told me once again I could not have recalled her name. Nor my childhood, nor our parents who then lay buried under yalms of snow and ice.
While such things as cleaning and feeding myself came easily - at least after I had recovered enough to take on the physical labors without assistance - it was the intellectual pursuits that eluded me entirely without guidance.
Marcechamp, the man who had seen fit to make room for us in Tailfeather, wasn't one for intellectualism.
In exchange for a place to rest and tending for my wounds, my sister was set to the task of helping the local hunters in whatever way they saw fit. By the time I was well enough to do the same, she had taken up with other individuals with a poorer reputation. Some would call them bandits or heretics, but my sister called them allies.
Marcechamp was not an intellectual, but neither was he stupid. He turned a blind eye to her relations, and had little nice to say for the noblemen and clergy besides, marking him an implicit ally of the heretics.
In time, as my wounds healed in full and I was able to take out the more stout labors, my sister was gone more and more on her missions with the heretics, until one day she asked the question I'd been waiting for.
I might not remember my parents' names or faces, but for my sister's tears, the bastards in Ishgard would pay dearly.
"Higher, boy, higher. How many times must I tell you to keep your shield up?"
Igrert was a stout man by Elezen standards. Hardy, slow to anger but foul mouthed when he got there, and a disgraced guard captain, run out of the city when he wasn't quick enough to curse the name of any and all who opposed the church.
Also, my instructor in technique and pain.
I didn't bother to voice my complaints as I struggled to keep the shield in the air while wearing the heavy chainmail and attempting to strike the dummy with a sword I could have sworn was heavier than the ones they actually used while on patrol. Healed I might have been, but a pillar of strength I was not.
Or wasn't yet, as Igrert seemed all too keen to change that.
I stumbled slightly as I made another attempt at the poorly-constructed dummy's head, and my swing meekly scraped against its 'chest'.
Igrert scoffed and shook his head.
"Enough. You'll only hurt yourself at this rate. We'll try again tomorrow."
I stripped myself of the accoutrements of a warrior, the sword and shield laying in a pile along with the chain before I thought better of it and placed each respectfully in their proper places along the armory wall lest Igrert see the unseemly pile and give me a proper dressing-down for my laziness.
It didn't take me long wandering down the icy path of the cave system that the heretics had made their base of operations to find my sister. Heretics, I say, though in truth they used no such term. The disciples of Saint Shiva, they called themselves in private.
When first I arrived, the story of Saint Shiva was one that surprised me. Until then, I'd assumed that the war with the dragons had been one without a known beginning, and perhaps without an end.
But with knowledge of the former came hope for the later. That man and dragon had once lived in peace meant that perhaps they could live in peace once more.
Even in our opposition to the church and Ishgard, our own alliance with the dragons was tenuous at best. Hresvelgar's brood were sometimes willing to aid us, or at the very least to leave us be. Nidhogg's, however, was an ever-present danger. Though the core of their ire was reserved for Ishgard itself and its knights, it wasn't unknown for our own forces to be injured or outright slain in the field by the furious dragon of the firstbrood's children.
My sister I found in the act of taking inventory of our supplies. Like me, she was no warrior, but though the disciples had been initially reluctant to accept her into their ranks, she had quickly shown her value as an organizer and a planner. What had been a mish-mash of rebels and exiles alike to a bludgeon flailing against the impenetrable walls of Ishgard had quickly become a scalpel wielded by my sister to raid supply lines, denying the city of vital trade while supplying ourselves with desperately needed food, arms, and armor.
Or at least the others made claim she had had such an effect. I could but assume they had no reason to make mummery on the matter.
"How are things," I asked.
At her raised finger, I waited patiently. I could see she was deep in thought, her eyes roving over the supplies. Finally, she nodded to herself, conclusion reached.
"We're running out of sulfur."
I tilted my head, not quite certain where my older sister was going with the line of thought.
"It's used to make torches. The caravans don't have much reason to carry them in great quantity, nor do they for sulfur. Ishgard itself mines the sulfur and the craftsmen of the city make torches on their own."
My eyes drifted to one of the torches flickering not far from where we stood, and she answered my unspoken question.
"We had the opportunity to snatch up some of the sulfur the city mines, but with the mines so close to the city and so vital to its function, they have seen fit to heighten the security upon the entire endeavor, in numbers beyond what we could reasonably risk contending with."
I turned my gaze to the assorted supplies, likewise turning my thoughts towards the problem.
Ever was my sister quicker with such problems, however, especially with such a head start. She stopped one of the disciples in passing.
"Can we spare any men at the moment? I have need of some few to accompany me in seeking out sulfur in the caves to the west with which to fashion torches, ere we be forced to work by campfire light alone."
The man grimaced before shaking his head. "No ma'am. The knights have been harrying us in greater numbers of late, and we're forced to increase our own lest we be encircled at every turn."
As the two both quieted, neither having a solution to the conundrum, I spoke up.
"Do you truly need such an honor guard, my lady," I asked in mock respect. At her curious look and the dark look starting to grace the visage of the disciple I held up my hands in surrender.
"Lest you misunderstand, I merely speak of the fact that not all of the caves to the west are truly dangerous. At least a few were already explored previously, were they not? It's possible that one or more may contain sulfur, without any such note having been made when they were checked for wildlife before. And while I'm no hardened warrior, I could accompany you without detracting from the current postings."
Giving a wan smile, my sister nodded.
"A well-reasoned possible solution, if not guaranteed to yield results. I'll check the records to see what caves might be worth another look, and you can let Igrert know of the personal guard duty of 'your lady' for which you have so generously volunteered yourself so he may outfit you properly."
I sighed at that, realizing just what I had signed myself up for. Amongst my sister's proponents, Igrert was surely one of the greatest. I could already imagine the reception that would be waiting for me if a single hair on her head was somehow harmed under my watch.
"You son of a bitch."
I could hardly contain my annoyance for the man, and so I chose not to. The training sword I had thought was heavier than the others was indeed, if only by a bit. What I wasn't expecting was that the old shield and chainmail the man had had me practicing with were all slightly heavier than their proper counterparts.
And the man clearly knew that I knew what he had done as he smacked my shoulder, grin on his face.
"You can thank me later, buddy. Wasn't expecting you to be going out on a proper mission so soon. A few more weeks of that and these would have felt light as a feather, but a month of training or so will have to do."
I sighed, unable to fully fault him, effective as the training had been.
"Now, let us discuss proper escort duty procedures. I hear you're heading out tomorrow, so a crash course will have to do."
Groan as I might, I listened, thankful that the lesson didn't involve more than careful attention.
Other than a stray mammet here or a quietly tinkling lesser elemental there, our exploration of the caves went without interruption or success. Until, that is, the weather decided things were going far too well and forced us to hurry into the nearest cave to escape the pouring hail and grumbling thunder.
Even as my sister and I breathed a sigh of relief and caught our breath from the brief jog we'd made to get to the cave entrance, we were on our guard. This was not a cave we had planned to visit, and as we exchanged a glance, it was clear we both knew it.
"Shall we remain by the entrance then, or…?"
At my question, she spared another glance at the constant downpour of white framed only by the occasional flash and boom outside before looking back towards the still darkness of the tunnel leading gently downward.
"So long as we have care not to provoke aught we cannot handle, I see no reason to waste time, not where the efficient operation of the disciples are concerned."
"Right then," I said, mentally going over the lessons Igrert had imparted the previous day as I hefted my shield once more and moved to a position a few yalms further into the cave, "please remain nearby my lady, and let me know if you see any hostiles outside my field of view."
With that, we made our way carefully and slowly into the cave. Unlike a few we had already seen, it was largely linear, with any branching paths terminating within easy view of the main path. My sister held one of the last torches which we had brought to aid in our hopeful search, allowing me to keep sword and shield at the ready. Even so, the gentle descent quickly became a treacherous path jutting up and down, transforming a leisurely walk into a proper hike.
To our disappointment, when the cave finally reached its end, there had been no sulfur to speak of, and so we took a moment to sit and rest.
I took up a defensive position on my sister's other side on the off chance we had missed some errant danger earlier in the cave.
As I stood, acting as a shield for my sister, I felt that what I was doing was right in a way that was hard to pin down. But as I turned to my charge, I could see that she was troubled.
Ever keen to my own thoughts, she answered before I could ask.
"Mine apologies, dear brother. Even as we must hold true to our convictions in the hope of making right the wrongs of our forefathers and ending the war twixt dragon and man, none are immune to doubt. And so my thoughts turn to how we could possibly overcome the ever-flowing might of Ishgard."
As her voice hitched, I found myself without words of reassurance for her. And after a quiet moment, she continued.
"Were that Saint Shiva was here in my stead, that she could lend her strength of conviction, to lead us upon the right path. Or even had I the half of her fabled wisdom. Her love."
I held my tongue, though I had my own, differing opinions. What did some old Saint have over my sister? What we truly needed was a great blade to cut away the falsehoods, to strike at the very heart of the church's lies.
Though I had no memory of my own, I had heard tell of the terrible might of Bahamut when unleashed upon Eorzea a few short years ago. Of the ferocity with which Nidhogg harried the knights of Ishgard for a thousand years.
If I could become a sword and shield for my sister to direct with even an onze of the might of those great dragons of the first brood, surely that would make a great difference.
I would become such a weapon, I thought, I must. I will strike at them like a bolt from the blue, unexpected and unstoppable.
Our attentions both must have lapsed entirely, as the torch my sister had borne chose that moment to run dry, plunging us into darkness.
For only a moment we sat in deepest black, before the soft glow of light pierced the gloom, revealing what we had been blind to so long as the torch's light shone in the cave.
Crystals - innumerable crystals glowed from the walls, ceiling, and floor of the tunnel. And as we looked on, their light grew and grew, seeming to fill the very air of the cave itself, until I felt something indefinable swelling within me.
It was only as I chanced to spy my sister wreathed in swirling ice that the spell was broken. She shared what must have been the shocked look on my own face, and I glanced down to see black claws in place of my own hands, before the strangeness scattered entirely, leaving us as we were before, in the soft glow of the crystals.
"What… what was that?" I breathed. Just as whatever it was had felt empowering, filling me with a rush of energy, it left me feeling winded as if I'd spent the last few minutes running rather than resting quietly.
"Saint Shiva," she said, her breath shuttering, "It was just as I dreamed. As I always knew. I am Shiva, reborn."
She told me then, of the dreams, or perhaps memories she had had of Saint Shiva ever since she could remember. To hear her tell it, I was the only one in which she had confided these dreams, but after I lost my memories she had never thought to tell me once again.
In retrospect, perhaps her mute brother was the only one she had deemed safe to tell such tales that others might have discarded as mummery or mad ravings.
"I had convinced myself that it was all a child's fancy, and saw no reason to embarrass myself by telling you once again. But this… this proves it."
A moment of confusion seemed to pass over her features.
"But if I am the reincarnation of Shiva, then what of you? In that moment, you were as a demon-"
I shook my head, clearing it of doubt. Whatever had happened, it would not change my convictions of what I was, what I had to become.
While we returned from the outing without a new source of sulfur, we did bring back with us a pair of mysteries.
The first, my sister was quick to solve.
"Crystals. Crystals and mindset."
I paused for a moment from whacking away at the poor dummy by the meager light that filtered down through the cave without the aid of torches to give her my full attention.
"I visited that cave we found," she said, speaking more softly now, "and stayed there until I was able to do it again. To summon Shiva. The cave walls are made of crystals, and the mindset I had yesterday brought her forth again."
I nodded along as she spoke, "It takes both. The mindset absent crystals does nothing, and likewise with crystals without mindset. We don't have crystals in such quantity among our supplies here, but… "
She held aloft a single crystal, and I knew what she was implying. Because I could feel it. Once I knew to look, it was obvious, like the tantalizing scent of spiced meats roasting upon a fire.
I turned my head slowly towards the supplies area, and I could sense the crate the contained the meager supply of crystals, used sparingly in the crafting of what goods we needed to continue the resistance efforts.
"You felt it too, didn't you," she went on, "the power granted to us in those forms. With it, we could lay Ishgard low."
Her expression faltered then. "But still, it bothers me. Were I to have undergone the transformation alone, I would have had no doubt of the implications. That I am Shiva reborn. But then, what of you? What terrible visage was it that I saw, that graced your features?"
She turned, looking down into one of the wider cave areas where one of the patrols was resting.
"Did we stumble upon some strange, unheard of category of crystal which induces those present to transform into some other form? I think not- for you and I both feel the siren call of all crystals now. Whatever it is, we must know before any attempt to use this power against Ishgard. But I fear what would become of the disciples in my absence. Full glad am I that I was able to bring a useful set of skills to them, but things have changed, and I worry they have become reliant on me."
"And so, I would ask much if you, if I may. To go in my stead. Doubtless, Ishgard will have hidden or burned any texts which might shed light on what it is we found, but Eorzea is wide and there are yet realms beyond the church's reach."
She looked back at me then, and while there was steel in her eyes, ever could I see beneath to her uncertainties. But with regards to Ysale's request?
"Was there truly any doubt," I asked with a grin, "that I would walk to the far edge of the land for my beloved sister?"
