Author's note:
Okay, this took a while, I just struggled with the... Emotions.
*Hides in cave*
Tell me what you think below, I'd like to hear your take on it.
I'd like to thank my fantastic beta Anastacius_Arklov whom has been absolutely amazing!
Artemis landed on his back, winded. A cold wet feeling trickled down his neck and the dribbling of a stream filled his ears. He sat up, shirt soaked through, stained pink by the mingling of blood and water, surveying the familiar terrain. He sat at the mouth of a cave, where he had fallen through the door and instantly regretted it.
God, his side hurt.
He pulled a demon knife (made of pure oblivion and blessed by an Aztec priest) out his combat boot and held it in numb fingers, it glinted in the morning light. He glanced around him, no hostiles in sight.
He dragged himself out of the shallow water and tried to catch his breath, but it wouldn't come. The quiet of the clearing was too loud, his thoughts buzzing around him, a swarm of vengeful hornets.
He didn't know what the angel had done to him but the veil of numbness that dampened his guilt, his joy, his hurt, had lifted. He could feel it in a crisp clarity that he hadn't known for years. The world was real, tangible, but it was also sharp and jagged. Perhaps that was good, the pain cutting through the mist like dead tissue shed from skin. Maybe it meant the parts of himself that were rotting, were cast away.
He took a breath. There was no fighting, no orders to yell, no reports to write. What did he do now? He was in purgatory, and Ali
wasn't here. Should he go back?
He had killed people; he had tortured people and for the
life of him couldn't figure out
why it was only hitting him now. He had known
before; good god, he had
done it.
He was grounded back in reality by something damp brushing against his knuckle. He looked down and saw the cat nuzzling at his hand with her nose, meowing softly. He stroked her, the fur soft against his skin. He closed his eyes, focusing on her.
He felt woozy to say the least. Probably from the blood loss. He laughed; Butler would lose his mind if he could see him now.
Artemis began to fall asleep, lulled by the rhythmic purring. Distantly, he noticed Bast nosing his chest where the wound was. Bast meowed desperately, trying to get his attention and headbutted his hand. It was too late; sleep had already taken a firm grasp on his mind.
A frustrated yowl escaped Bast as she transformed into a panther, taking off at speed. Trees whipped by and still the cat ran, for hours, finally stopping at a group, treading through the trees. The group converged on a lone man. Bast, tired of Benny playing with his food, pounced and ripped the were wolf's limb from
stringy limb.
Benny stared, a little horrified, a little flattered, "Thanks." Then, "Not that I needed any help."
Bast shrank into a cat and leapt towards him, meowing desperately.
Kneeling, Benny frowned, "What's wrong? You hurt?"
Bast growled, annoyed, headbutting his knee as she turned to face the forest.
"Is someone coming?" he guessed.
Bast growled again and headbutted him before beginning to walk off.
"You want me to follow you?" he asked.
At this Bast meowed emphatically and trotted away, followed by Benny, bemused as he was.
It took a while for Benny to realise where Bast was leading him, and he tried not to hope. Hope would crush you. If you let it.
The trees receded as they made their way into the clearing, and that was when he saw it. A figure lying on the floor by the stream, limp. Ice filled his veins as he recognised Artemis, still and unmoving. He sprinted over and dropped to one knee, checked for a pulse. He waited with bated breath until he felt the rhythmic thump of a heart.
As soon as he was sure the boy wouldn't die on him, he took in Artemis' appearance. The kid was wearing dark camouflage combat gear, steel capped boots, and clutched to his chest, a wickedly sharp looking curved black blade. His complexion was pale and sickly, his breathing was shallow and ragged, his face was cut in several places as well as being caked in dirt.
What the hell?
"Artemis?" he called as he tried to wake his friend.
Wild eyes snapped open, and Artemis shot up, or rather,
he tried to before wincing and falling back down again and instead scrambled away as best as he could, finally kneeling on one knee with a foot planted in the ground, ready to spring into action.
Artemis blinked up at Benny's concerned face, "…Ben?" as his eyes cleared, his expression crumpled, he shook his head, "
Not again." His eyes screwed shut and hands clamped over his ears, "It's not real. It's
not real." he sank to both knees, sounding confused and close to tears, "What did I do? I didn't…" He trailed off, a despondent glaze settling over his cold blue eyes. He hung his head, muttering to himself all the while.
Something cold and heavy settled in his chest, "Artemis?" No response. "Artemis
listen to me," his voice hard as iron.
Artemis went ridged for a moment, the whispers ceasing before his face appeared from under the mop of black hair. He looked terrified. Not like before, not panic, not despair, he was scared… of him.
Benny winced, he shouldn't have done that, "Okay, let's assume that this is real for a moment. Why do you think this isn't real?"
"It can't be. Just more sims. They haven't used you before, must be trying something new." Came a jumbled response.
This wasn't good, the kid was really mixed up, "Who are 'they'?"
"Demons."
A horrible feeling was creeping its way up his spine, as a horrible realisation dawned on him. No. "
Oh cher."
Artemis was staring ahead now, somewhere else entirely.
It was important to keep his attention now, "Okay, you said I ain't in the 'sims' usually, what else is different?"
Artemis' arms came up to wrap around his chest in a self-soothing gesture, casting furtive glances in either direction, "I… the… My uniform. I'm wearing my uniform." The boy looked down at himself, bewildered.
"And?" he prompted.
"It's spitting." He said after a brief pause, "If this were a simulation-"
Ah,
simulation. The last few minutes began to make a lot more sense.
"-then it would be raining, or not. As if… it has low resolution. And… I'm… I'm injured. From before, when I was…" the crack in his voice sent an uncomfortable pang to Benny's chest. Piercing blue eyes were trained on him, "So you're really…" Tears threatened to fall and The kid trailed off.
"Yeah."
The tension in the kid's body disappeared as if his strings had been cut and Benny only now felt it was safe to approach the patch of riverbank where he was knelt. He settled down in front of Artemis.
"Hi." Artemis said, as if it were the first time he had seen him.
"Hey chief. How you feeling?"
"Like I've been hit by a bus. An angry bus." Artemis deadpanned, his voice containing a slight American twang.
That was… odd.
"Well in that case I should probably take a look at you. Make sure you're not dying," He said.
"M'fine."
He spared Artemis a quizzical look, "Mm, yeah, that's exactly how I would describe being
hit by an angry bus."
The boy sighed, grumpily.
"You really are starting to remind me of my idiot of a brother." Benny remarked.
"You had a brother?"
He laughed, "I was born over a hundred years ago, I had ten siblings, and I even
liked two of them."
Artemis bowed his head, shoulders shaking, a sobbing sound escaping him.
"Artemis?"
The shaking continued and the wheezing sound became regular. When Artemis brought his head up again, tears were running down his face, and a brilliant smile lit up his features. He was both crying and hysterically laughing, "I've missed you Benny, I really did. I thought I'd never see you again."
"Right back at you cher." Benny had been worried about how Artemis would respond to all of this, but somehow, this felt right.
Artemis shook again, the strange combination of sobbing and uncontrollable glee leaving him in cathartic waves. He pulled Benny into a hug.
Something between a scream and a groan of anguish clawed its way past Artemis's mouth. Benny held him tighter, hand tracing circles on his back. The kid laughed, for no particular reason.
The two of them kneelt there until Artemis composed himself. "S'good to see you." he mumbled, brokenly.
Benny inclined his head, "Well, I am a handsome devil, even I have to admit that."
Artemis rolled his eyes and sniffed, "I take it all back, I'd simply forgotten how insufferable you were."
"I'm glad to see you too kid, it's been weeks. Thought you were dead." His eyes swept over the combat gear, "Any injuries? Where does it hurt?"
Artemis frowned confusedly, "I… uh got hit by a shell, shrapnel buried in my chest. I've been stitched up. Not sure if there's still some debris in there."
"Shrapnel? As in from a bomb?"
The kid nodded, dazedly.
"What-" Benny faltered, "What happened?"
Artemis' voice shook, which was… disturbing, "I… um," the word became strangled, "Fuck." He said, his voice breaking, "This is really hard, can we talk about it later?" His eyes were clouded and focused on some point in the sky, finger tapping against the ground, no doubt in sets of five.
He froze, then soften, "Sure, Chief. How badly are you injured; you think you can walk?"
"That's the thing," Artemis slurred, "m'not hurt that badly. Whatever the angel did to me…" his brow furrowed, "I feel weird… weak."
"
Not hurt that badly? Weren't you just saying that there
may or may not be shrapnel still inside you." he grumbled.
Artemis relaxed, their usual exchanges comforting. His knees were wet from the stream and small stones dug into him.
"Sorry kid, but we need to get to the treeline. Can't light a fire out in the open. Think you can stand?"
"Yeah, basically. Might need a bit of help standing up."
"Look at you, using slang and casual sayings. You've
changed." Benny teased.
He shrugged, before wincing at the movement, "I may've picked some things up along the way."
Benny hoisted Artemis to his feet, propping him up with an arm around his side.
"Mind the ribs." He winced, hobbling along, leaning on the offered shoulder for support.
"Right. Sorry."
He focused on the twinge of pain as his side ached in protest, it was calming, familiar. But it wasn't enough. He felt the urge to pull on his stitches until the pain burnt his uncertainty away, to plunge the knife into his skin. But the urge wasn't so strong that Artemis would ignore the fact that Benny would find that deeply disturbing.
Benny eased him down to a patch on the forest floor and soon a fire was casting a warm light over the makeshift camp.
The man hunkered down, "When's the last time you ate?"
Artemis cocked his head, "Two, three days."
"Hmm, I'll stay near, I'm just going to find something. You have anything against eating rodents?"
"I don't suppose I have much of a choice."
Benny shrugged, "Na, not really." He said, then walked off.
For the first time in years his thoughts ran unchecked. Something about hell had been stifling, strangling thoughts, keeping rational ponderings dampened. It was safer that way, it kept the sharper thoughts away.
He almost laughed, the great Artemis Fowl, mentally agoraphobic.
Benny had asked what happened, but Artemis wasn't sure he could answer that question. He would at least like some kind of answer before Benny returned.
Alastair had tortured him.
Then why do you want to go back?
He'd let that boy bleed out in the basement.
You didn't even know his name.
Artemis had helped them.
Coward.
He'd fought for them.
Fool.
He'd killed angels.
Murderer.
He had tortured people.
Monster.
He didn't even have the heart to be angry at Alastair, he just… missed him.
Like a kicked fucking dog.
Artemis stared at the fire, he shifted toward it and held his hand over the scorching heat, the pain relaxing him like a comfort food or a blanket. It reminded him of Ali.
Sometime later he heard the crunch of twigs under boots. Too late, he snatched his hand away from the flame.
"What'ya doing there Cher?"
He shrugged, not really in the mood to lie, "Needed quiet."
There was a pause that stretched out like honey dripping from a spoon. It
would have been uncomfortable, Artemis supposed, if he still registered discomfort as he once had. Discomfort was bones breaking and skin tearing. His eyes went distant at the thought.
Benny looked to be at a loss, so he settled on a comforting, "That's okay kid."
The camp was filled with the sound of food hissing on the spit and Bast had joined them, curled up in Artemis's lap, if only to steal food.
None of this felt real, the time before Hell seemed like a distant dream. He was sick of feeling distant, of everything being surreal, he wanted to be here, really
be here.
He took a breath, "I fell through a door to Hell, that's where I've been." There. He'd said it now.
The silence stretched on, as both of them waited for the other to say something. If Holly had been present, Artemis imagined she would roll her eyes, if the topic had not been so heavy.
Benny looked at him, really
looked at him, "Are you okay?"
"I- I don't think I am." He said, staring at his hands. An owl hooted in the trees.
"Wanna talk about it?", came the tentative response.
Yes. Yes, he did, but… telling someone else about what happened between him and Alastair, it felt like a betrayal. It was personal, delicate, like if it was exposed to the open air it would dissolve. It felt like something he wasn't supposed to talk about.
But, he knew Benny was trustworthy, and he also knew his own judgment could be severely impaired.
"I don't know. This doesn't feel… I need to know they're the same. That this isn't some hallucination. But I shouldn't-" He muttered to himself. That wasn't normal, he didn't mutter. But that was before.
Benny watched Artemis argue with himself, an uneasy expression on his face.
When Artemis's disordered musings reached a peace, he seemed agitated, almost uncomfortable with the concord they had come to. "I hid for a few days in the streets. They knew I was there somehow." He frowned distractedly.
Bast happily chewed on a large piece of miscellaneous meat.
The kid smiled at the cat and continued, "Hell is… something of a fusion of a city and a military base, there's the surface level and then there's a subterrain network of tunnels and chambers, they call it the pit. Even the smallest factions of demons have factions in hell; it's chaos. Meg found me, took me to a demon called-" he took a sharp breath, taking the plunge, "Alastair." The sentences were curt and ineloquent, his voice forced and thick.
A rising sense of unease unfurled in Benny's gut, if this was going where he thought it was going… well, it would explain some of the kid's behaviour at least. He rested a hand on his shoulder and squeezed, "Hey, slow down Cher, it's all right."
Artemis closed his eyes, leaning into Benny, "I know how bad this will sound. I
know." He scrubbed his palm across his face. "It's not… he didn't…" he abandoned sentences as they sputtered into dead ends, "He tortured me. I don't know for how long or…" the train of thought evaporated. "It would always heal before I died, as if I was reset."
Something lodged itself in his chest.
What in tarnation. Something was seriously wrong with the way Artemis talked about it, he was confused, that much Benny could tell.
"It's not as bad as it sounds… He hurt me but… he- I don't know how to explain it. I don't… I won't make any sense anyway."
"Hey, it's okay if it don't make sense. You're allowed that sometimes chief, its human. Well, non-humans too. It's a part of being alive." He put a hand on Artemis's arm, "I'm listening. You can try an'explain."
Artemis looked up, his head bowed and considered him, "Time works differently on hell; for me it was eight years, give or take. He kept me in a cell for three or four years." He paused, "I miss him. That's... Not good. I shouldn't..." he shook his head, quiet shrouding him.
"I never told you why I left my family, did I?" Benny's question took him off guard, "When someone turns you, it's like a switch in your brain flips, and suddenly… they are god. The man who turned me, we called him father and he was a jealous god, kept us separate from the outside world. He could do anything to me and I... I'd let him. Well, until Andrea, if I saw him now I'd kill him. But that's another story. Point is, I get it. Probably not in the same way but I'm no-one to judge you."
Bast finished off another mouthful of meat, and keeled over in a food coma, nuzzling his hand until he continued to stroke her.
"Thanks. For telling me that."
Benny shrugged, "It was a long time ago."
"It's just… I was in pain, all the time- and he was… nice. Sometimes. He is a demon, and we were in Hell, it's simply how the place is run. It's not as if demons are capable of feeling huge amounts of remorse." Artemis rubbed his upper arm in a self-soothing action. He shrugged, "I don't know how to process any of this."
"I'd say that's understandable cher." His expression became slightly apologetic, "And I know you probably don't want to hear this but… nothin' makes what he did to you okay. Nothing."
"It wasn't… all bad. He's not
bad. He's not. After, when I stopped being so stubborn- he gave me direction. It was… grounding."
Benny grimaced, a chill dripping down his spine "Cher, he locked you up in a cell and tortured you for years. of course, you needed direction. He took advantage of that. In fact, he was counting on it."
Artemis's jaw locked, blinking tears out of his eyes.
"An' I don't know what happened but… you weren't being 'stubborn'. It sounds like you didn't do what he wanted you to do." Artemis was quiet, so he continued, "He say that a lot? That he hurt you because you were stubborn. That it was your fault?"
Artemis glanced up, "Yeah."
"Do you believe it?"
"Does it matter?"
"Of course it matters Cher. I know you just accepted whatever he said, told him whatever he wanted to hear, otherwise he'd hurt you. But you're not there anymore. What you think matters."
"Well, I…I didn't make it easy for myself. I was always resisting him. I knew what was going to happen." He kept his eyes on the ground. "It was my fault sometimes."
Benny felt sick, "It wasn't you fault
at all."
"I don't think that…"
"Artemis that ain't right. You can't be serious." Benny hadn't meant to raise his voice like that. Aw, hell. He wasn't good at this.
Artemis's curled in on himself, fidgeting, eyes wide, "Sorry. You're right, I was just..." Scared, the kid looked scared.
Benny looked at him for a long moment, "Did-? Look, I'm sorry. Didn't mean to sound so angry, I'm not, I swear." He paused, "You can disagree with me, you know."
Artemis nodded mutely, still not making eye contact.
"You're not scared of me, are you?"
Artemis opened his mouth to say something and then snapped it shut, panic flashing across his face. Finally, he said, "I'm not."
"What's goin' on Cher?"
"I'm always doing that. Being difficult."
Should he even try to open this can of worms? "So was I kid, what's wrong with that?"
Artemis shrugged, shutting down.
Benny sighed, conceding defeat. He smiled wanly, "I'll take the night shift, you look half dead."
"Thanks Benny." Artemis said quietly. He curled up by the fire, though it was still light. Bast temporarily woke from her food coma to slink over to Artemis and settle down in his arms.
It was odd to see him so subdued, and looking at him now, a hand buried in Bast's fur, Benny couldn't remember a time when Artemis had seemed so child-like.
Which was ironic, considering-. No, idiot, wrong time for bad jokes.
Still, it was sickening. What people did to one another.
It didn't sit right with him.
Someone had done that, had him jumping at his shadow, apologising for existing, terrified to have a
god damn opinion. It was nauseating.
And Benny was aware what he was doing. He was. Funnelling all the uncomfortable emotions into anger was easier than dealing with pain, sorrow, horror. Greif.
Benny doubted he would ever fully recover. There were some things that never leave you.
Artemis didn't seem to have the same awareness he had before. Like there was entire layer of conversation he was missing. Artemis wasn't talking
with him, it was as if he was navigating a set of invisible rules.
The whole thing was wrong.
He kept his knife in his hand, scanning the dark night for any sign of life.
If one had the ability to perceive the celestial plane, they would see the yellow light beaming from Artemis chest, riddled with black tendrils, strangling it. A brilliant sliver of blue was weaving through the yellow, consuming and transforming the tar-like veins.
As the night wore on, the tendrils disappeared, and the blue substance, that floated as if it were a gas, but it appeared to be a liquid, heavy and dense, began to wrap around the sleeping boy's chest, cuts and bruises disappearing.
Benny had said he would take first shift, but it wasn't as if Artemis could take the second. Familiarity and routine, he could at least do that.
It was a concern, what happened once Artemis found his bearings. He was unbalanced, not in his right mind, and Benny was worried that he would want to go back. To that place.
Force would be used if force had to be used, but he really hoped it wouldn't come to that. Something like they would dissolve a trust they had built over weeks.
The thought struck him, innocuous and disarming, this was like being a father again; the constant worrying, having to think about a thousand things and once but appearing to notice none of them.
It wasn't something he could dwell on. Family.
He glanced over to Artemis's sleeping form, watching his chest rise and fall. Someone had to look out for him.
Because Benny had learnt in his many years that monsters weren't outside, they weren't disfigured monsters in the shadows. They were clever, charming, smiling reapers.
That was one of the only things he ever learnt from his dear old daddy. May he rest in Hell.
It weren't something someone as young as Artemis should have to learn, but life weaves in circles, never ending patterns in the sky.
Author's note:
Also, if anyone is interested, I listened this song on repeat while writing :
Maybe by Flower face
iolence and incarceration ahead.