It was a standard patrol. Armsmaster, known to those few he trust and commands as Colin Wallis was riding his iconic tinkertech bike when console reported something.
"Armsmaster! Be advised, parahuman activity reported near a warehouse not far from you. Clockblocker out." The Ward said over radio.
"Got it. Over."
Swerving his bike around, the Leader of the Protectorate North-East-North sped across the street, jumped over a rail and- and was promptly hit by a large truck. Tinkertech bike and Protectorate hero was embedded in the hood of the car as the driver panicked and slammed his foot down on the brakes.
The truck flipped on its side and slid off the highway, punching through the rails, its entire length crashing onto the train rails below.
The incoming train than plowed itself into the truck. The lead car of the train crunched up and was pulverized immediately. The other train cars were flung into the sky- twisting and turning before crashing down in a fifty feet wide radius.
One train car happened to be carrying an ancient artifact of awesome power. It predated human civilization and was considered by everyone to be a perfectly ordinary antique.
The Idol of a Golden Monkey was flung loose from its crate, smashing through the glass of the door window and fell through the night air.
At this moment, a groaning Armsmaster crawled out of the wreckage, his armour badly damaged and his legs limping. He stood up-
And was bonked over the head by a golden monkey.
A flash of golden light enveloped the world.
Armsmaster found himself standing in an empty train track, all wreckages gone. He looked around, confused and dazed.
"What."
He limped from away from his location, more confused. Had someone froze him in time or something? What the hell?
"Console, this is Armsmaster." He barked into the radio. His HUD was flickering a bit, but everything seems to be fine.
There was a static buzz and then the familiar voice of Clockblocker came over the radio.
"Come again?"
"This is Armsmaster- I've just had an-"
"Whoa. I don't know how you got on this channel- but you are breaking the law dude. Like, big time. PRT channels aren't for random independents. If you need to contact us, you have to use the design-"
"Clockblocker!" Armsmaster hissed. "What the fuck are you talking about! This isn't the time for jokes. I-"
"Okay, Mr. Armsmaster or whatever, funny times over- patching you over to Miss Militia."
There was a pause. "I don't know who you are." Hannah's voice sounded over the channel. "Good job on pranking the PRT channel though- ha!"
What.
"But seriously, you can't do this. Are you an independent Hero?"
"No. I am the leader of the Protectorate East-North-East."
Hannah laughed. It was a fake "Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha." and "Ha." Laugh.
"Okay, man. That was funny. But sexist."
What.
"And probably racist. Honey, I am the leader of the Protectorate East-North-East. If I had a hundred and fifty dollars for every time some male villain or hero think a woman can't do a man's job, I'd be able to afford a new laptop."
Clockblocker's voice came over the comms. "Or that a Middle-Easterner woman can't do a white man's job."
"Yes. And that. Thank you Clockblocker."
Armsmaster's head hurts- and everywhere hurts. And he had enough of this.
"Hannah, what the fuck are you playing at."
There was a beat.
"Wow. Okay, that crossed a line. You're under arrest. Creepy stalker jerk!"
Wait, what.
"Excuse me?" Armsmaster said, sounding scandalized. "Me, under the arrest!? Hannah what the fuck-"
The sirens of the PRT vehicles rounding the corner shut him up. Three vans rolled to a stop near Colin and the doors slid open to allow PRT agents in body armour to jump out, several had riot shields, batons. A couple had foam cannons aimed at him.
"We've been tracking your location the whole time. Dumb of your communications software to tell us where you are right now. What kind of an idiot hacker makes his stuff so compatible with PRT tech?"
It occured to Armsmaster that Miss Militia might have been mastered. That was bad, but the PRT agents should be able to verify who he is and they could get Piggot to lock down Miss Militia and Clockblocker-
"Hands in the air, asshole!" One PRT sarge shouted, foam cannon in hand as nearby PRT agents pointed cannons. Armsmaster recognized him.
"Kandinsky! It's me! Armsmaster! Miss Militia and Clockblocker has been mastered-"
"Fucker knows my name." Kandinsky said, fury in his voice. "He threatening me. You think he threatening me, Samson?"
"Hell the fuck yes, sir. He a threatening motherfucker." A female trooper next to him said, pointing an assault rifle in Colin's direction.
"Nobody threatens me. Foam the bastard!"
Or not. Apparently everyone was mastered.
Armsmaster rolled away from the layer of containment foam that splashed across the soil where he was at. He ran away, trying to sidestep the cordon.
Then a red blur slammed into him.
It was Assault.
"Hello! This is Assault!"
A blue blur kicked him in the chin and he flew away to slam into the train tracks, denting them.
"And this is Battery!"
"Hey, I had him!" Assault said.
"Shut up, Assault. He was mine. Kill Stealing mofo." Battery sniped back.
"You the mofo. You skank. Why'd I ever stick my dick in y-"
"Break it up kids." Kandinsky said as he marched over to foam Armsmaster. "Bag and tag this asshole. And show him plenty of police brutality."
"Yes sir." Another trooper said.
+++
"Name?" Hannah asked, bandana covering her face, as if he didn't know who she was or what she looked like already.
"Colin Wallis."
"Okay, thanks for revealing your secret identity."
They knew his name after all, why lie? He was sitting in a familiar interrogation room, his hands cuffed to the table- they allowed him to keep wearing his armour, if only because they had no idea how to remove it. He was also allowed to wear his helmet- because the "Unwritten Rules" apparently.
Apparently being mastered removed their memories of him or something. Which makes sense- but why? What nefarious purpose would be served by making people forget that Armsmaster exists?
With distress, he realized the situation was bad. Two men were leaning against the large glass window, staring down at him. Velocity and Dauntless. If even they were compromised- shit was real.
Hannah clicked through her computer for a bit- then glared at him.
"Nice try, honey. The name doesn't exist."
"Stop calling me that."
"What, honey? You got a problem with people being nice to you?"
"No, Hannah doesn't say honey- ever."
"You're an expert on me now, eh?"
"No- look, you've all been mastered."
Hannah started laughing.
"Wow- he's a piece of work." Velocity said, nudging Dauntless.
Dauntless glared at the speedster and growled. "Don't touch me."
Colin frowned. That sure didn't sound like Dauntless.
"If I may, Miss Militia-"
Ah, his saviour had arrived. Figuratively. The voice of Dragon immediately made Colin sit up. If anyone could clear up this mess, it would be Dragon. Surely she had already alerted the Boston PRT branch and even the Triumvirate. Heroes would be arriving to rescue him any moment.
"I have strong suspicions that Mr. Walis may be from an alternate reality."
What. Dragon was compromised too?
Wait- she was saying something important.
Alternate reality.
That...that couldn't…
"Oh, what makes you say that? His rapist aura?" Miss Militia said.
Colin sputtered.
Hannah moved her head side to side, with one hand up, fingers resting on her collar bone. "What, you knew my name. You sound like a stalker. You make me feel insecure."
Dauntless stomped his feet and slammed both hands on the table, denting it.
"You no make Daunty angry. You got that, tincan man!?" He screamed in Armsmaster's face, landing spittle all over the shocked hero.
"Ahem." Dragon said. "As I was saying- Colin Wali's has knowledge that he shouldn't have. He has authorization codes that proved he knows PRT procedures and codes, including codes that only the leader of the Protectorate or other specialists like myself would know. The only thing that doesn't check out is that he doesn't exist and his personal codes don't exist."
Colin's eyes bugged out. "Seriously?"
"I've scanned your face. I can confirm where every potential match is right now. None of them are Colin Wallis, they just look kind of like you. From all over the world."
"Wait, so this guy is really from another Universe? That is far out." Velocity said.
"How so, we have like, Earth Aleph." Dragon deadpanned.
"Yeah, but this guy is saying that he's from another Earth Bet. That's crazy!"
Colin buried his hand in his face. "Fuck me."
"Sure thing, honey." Hannah said.
Wait, what.
"Naw. I was just screwing with you. Figuratively."
Dauntless growled and his eyes narrowed into slits behind his Spartan helm.
"If you touch Hannah. I will touch you." He said to Colin.
Colin gaped. "But I-"
Hannah interrupted. "It's okay, if anyone do the touching first, it'll be me."
Dauntless paused at that and then said. "If you let Hannah touch you, I will touch you."
Hannah put a hand over her bosom. "Awww, Daunty! That's so nice of you."
She grabbed his biceps and give it a squeeze.
Colin started hyperventilating. None of this makes any sense. None of these people makes any sense.
"Dragon, save me!"
Dragon paused. "I am the wish-genie. Yay me. Director Piggot has been monitoring this interview. She wants to talk to you. You can thank me later. "
Oh shit.
"Fuck me!" Colin swore.
Dragon snorted. "Ha! Very funny. But you know I am an AI."
There was a pause.
"Wait, what. You're AI?"
Miss Militia and Dauntless froze- his arms still draped over the olive skinned heroine.
They stared at him. Miss Militia's eyes narrowed. "Okay, you just made me doubt the other-universe theory."
Dragon asked. "You mean you didn't know, Colin?- the me in your Universe never told you?"
"Um. No."
Dragon was silent for a bit. "That is weird. So not Zen. You know, I am all about openness and spiritual stuff. I can't imagine why the other me would lie to her friends and family. Can't be healthy for her."
Colin wanted to cry.
+++
Colin stared at the familiar pudgy form of Director Piggot sitting opposite him in the familiar office. It was eerily familiar how everything looked; from the stack of reports on Piggot's desk to her stapler, even the model of her computer- except apparently none of this was from the same objects from his memories.
"Ah, Armsmaster. Or should I say, Colin Wallis. Our... dimensional refugee." Piggot drawled, tapping her fingers on the table. Her nails were sharp and untrimmed. "You have given me some serious headaches and a hell of a lot more paperwork this evening. So fuck you."
What could he say to that?
"My apologies. I had not intended to be displaced from my dimension." Colin Wallis deadpanned.
"Quite- which is why I am willing to extend some measure of leeway to you. You said that you were the leader of the Protectorate ENE back on Earth....Bet."
"Clearly, I've realized that there are two Earth Bets, so you must be Earth Bet-Beta and the local Earth Aleph is Earth-Aleph-Beta." Colin clarified. He had thought about the notation while being marched over by Velocity and a couple guards.
"A logical, if infuriating and mouthful notational system." Piggot said.
Colin shrugged. "Had management planned this out better, we might have a better notation for different dimensions- frankly this situation is absurd."
"True. Well, my offer is this- you're on probationary protectorate membership. Prove yourself and you'll be made a full member. We'll provide you with an ID and a place to live."
Colin gritted his teeth. Everything he had worked for, lost due to a stupid freak occurrence! Surely Piggot could come up with something better than that!
He leaned forward. "Now listen here, I-"
Piggot suddenly pushed herself back- her wheelie chair flying backwards away from her desk to slam into the back wall, taking the bulk of her body with her.
"Whoa!' She said, holding up both hands. "Don't come any closer!'
Velocity gasped and place his hand over his mouth. "Oh. Em. Gee. You entered her personal space."
Deputy-Director Renick coughed awkwardly and placed a hand on Colin's shoulders. "Um, Armsmaster- Director Piggot takes her personal space very seriously. PTSD from Ellisburg and all that, right, Ems?"
He gave her a meaningful look.
Piggot looked confused and then nodded her head rapidly. "Ah, yes. The PTSD, uh, thingy. Yes, that. That was it. I am not racist, okay. I don't have a problem with parahumans. None of them. Love the flying bastards! Why do you guys keep accusing me of being racist!?"
Colin's lie detector display on his cracked HUD lit up.
LIE.
What.
He frowned.
Piggot continued, standing up and grabbing her coat from the nearby coat rack. "Ah, Renick, be a dear and handle this- I need to go home, right now. My favourite show PRT is on, and I am dying to find out if Lawrence and Seraph hooks up."
"But you have a TV in the offic-" Colin begin, but Piggot was already hurrying pass him to get to the door.
"Bye!" Renick waved.
"Bye, Director!" Velocity waved, a big happy smile on his face.
The door slammed shut.
"So...were we dating in your Universe, Armsy?"
What.
"What." Colin said, staring at Velocity in confusion.
"I mean, you were giving me..the look. Know what I mean?"
Colin didn't know what the fuck Velocity was talking about. He really didn't.
"I don't want to assume, but I can imagine how shocking it must be to be displaced from home and lose everyone you ever loved."
Renick suddenly bursted into tears and started sobbing. "Bwa-oh my god. That's so sad." He grabbed a wad of tissue paper and started blowing his nose. Velocity patted him gently on the shoulders.
"There, there."
Colin sighed.
+++
Colin ate his hamburger morosely at the cafeteria, surrounded by PRT troopers who glared at him. Kandinsky suddenly sat down on the bench opposite him with a big plate piled high with meat, meat and more meat.
He picked up a chicken leg and squeezed it into pieces.
"Hey there, asshole. Heard Piggot decided to let you live."
"Sarge, he's from a different dimension. He's apparently one of ours. We should treat him nicely." A nearby trooper said, his tone indicating sympathy.
"Thank you!" Colin said. He meant it.
"He like one of them refugees. Lost and alone. Needing America's help to get back on his feet."
Kandinsky snorted. "So he a welfare parasite."
Colin frowned. He has had it! "Okay, first of all, that's bullshit. And second of all, the Kandinsky I knew wasn't a motherfucking cunt asshole like you. Whore."
He meant every word. He was that angry.
Several troopers made "Oooooogh" noises and one even said. "Oh, sick burn, sarge."
Kandinsky looked shocked, then he nodded his head in respect. "I am impressed, asshole. You have balls after all."
Colin sighed. That didn't went how he had intended.
He looked up and froze.
Skitter walked across the mess hall towards the exit.
Colin stood up and pointed at Skitter.
"Sound the alarms! It's-"
The other troopers turned to stare at Skitter, then turned back to look at Colin oddly.
"Oh that's Skitter." One trooper said. "She's soooo cool."
"Oh my God. It's Skitter." Another trooper said, voice faint with awe.
"Sit down, arms-whatever-your-name-is!" Kandinsky barked at Colin. "I know you have a raging boner right now, but calm yourself. Other dimension or no, in the PRT ENE we show discipline and respect."
"Hoorah!" The other troopers chanted, crossing their arms. "Discipline and Respect."
Colin gaped at them. "But t-that's Skitter. A member of the undersiders. The Criminal!"
A criminal walking opening in the PRT HQ. Sure, she didn't start out as a criminal, but her insistence on joining the Undersiders and robbing banks had seriously pissed off Colin. Not to mention almost getting him in serious trouble when her venom almost killed Lung.
Wait, this was a different Universe!
Kandinsky looked at him blankly. "Are you an idiot, armsboy? Skitter is an A-class hero. Possibly Triumvirate tier. She fucked up Lung on her first night out. She's been scaring the shit out of the Brockton Bay underworld for months now. And she did it alone. She's a motherfucking legend. So shut your mouth and sit down!"
Colin sat down in shock, mouth hanging open.
____________ A/N: Yeah, Vainglorious is awesome, but it runs on awesomesauce. My natural tendency for crack has to go somewhere, so...yeah. PRT ENE: Mad World will follow an irregular update schedule ala 38,000 B.C. But you know the wait is worth it.
It was his first day as a Protectorate member in this particular iteration of Earth Bet. He was partnered up with Velocity, who would be reporting on his behaviour and progress. That was to be expected after all, since he was a probationary member until he proved himself. It was almost insulting.
That was when Hookwolf came barreling out of an alley in a blind panic. In his hand, he had a bag of jewelry. A literal loot bag stuffed to the brim with gems, diamond studded watches, and pearl necklaces.
Colin could hear the alarm of a shop ringing nearby.
There a pause.
"Oh shit." Hookwolf said, before turning to run away from the two heroes.
Velocity pointed at the Empire cape and shouted. "Whoa, hold it right there, Hookwolf! You're under arrest." He then posed, one leg bent and hitched up in a faux-sexy pose. He did something with his hands, a weird M- like for metal?- and pointed at the sky. He shouted. "In the name of love and justice!"
The fuck.
Colin stared at his patrol partner, mouth hanging open.
"You damn heroes are never catching me!" Hookwolf said, sweating in terror. He started to lumber down the street, his skin rippling into metal in his panic to get away.
Armsmaster reacted quickly. He dashed forward, his knee servos boosting his speed. His halberd swung right up and knocked Hookwolf on his ass. Another swing smacked him across his metal jaw, knocking out the parahuman.
Hookwolf slumped into the streets and did not move. Nearby pedestrians gasped. One had a cellphone out and was recording, shaking his head.
Wait, that was it? That was too easy!
"Why did you do that!" Velocity complained, horror in his voice. "We could have just cut him off and force him to surrender!"
"B-but that's Hookwolf. He's like super dangerous!"
Velocity shook his head and frowned at Colin. "I am disappointed in you Armsy. Everybody knows Hookwolf struggles with PTSD from his time as a trafficking victim in the pit fights. It's why we try to avoid traumatizing him any further."
"What." Colin blinked in confusion.
-FLASHBACK-
Chen's Noodle Restaurant's door were kicked open by two officers who stomped into the room, pistols raised. The customers looked up in shock.
"BBPD! Hands up!"
There was a violent crash as someone's big ceramic bowl of wonton noodle soup smashed on the ground, much to the dismay of the chef.
Hookwolf swung both arms into the air, his wonton noodles hanging off the edge of his mouth. He quivered in terror, tears in his eyes. "Please don't torture me. Please don't pull out my nails or make me kill puppies!"
The officer swore. "Oh shit, it was Hookwolf. I am sorry about your noodles, man!"
His partner shook his head. "Goddamnit Simon, you traumatized him! Captain's gonna chew you out for this!"
Hookwolf whimpered and started rocking back and forth. -END FLASHBACK-
"What."
Colin could scarcely believe what he had just heard.
Velocity sighed and walked over to the unconscious Nazi and handcuffed him. "Let's bag and tag him. And you better pray for your ass. As cute as it is, it's not getting you out of this mess."
+++
Director Piggot marched by Colin's desk and barked.
"Armsmaster, my office!"
She walked away.
Miss Militia pushed her swivel chair away from her desk and rolled over next to Colin's seat.
"Oh honey....You. Are. In. Trouble! And you haven't even worked for a full day yet." She shook her head sadly, her voice thick with disappointment. Or schadenfreude. It's hard to tell with Hannah. "You bad, bad boy."
Colin gnashed his teeth and stood up, marching over to the Director's office. He mentally composed himself before giving a polite knock on the hard wood door.
"Come in!" Piggot shouted.
He entered the room and saw Director Piggot frowning at him while twirling a typical B2 pencil. The writing utensil looked hilariously tiny compared to the thick fingers holding them.
"Sit down, Armsmaster." Her voice was curt and dead serious. Colin kept his anger in check. He didn't deserve this!
He sat down, his leg servos whirling. The chair creaked a bit- his armour wasn't light after all. Colin prepared himself for the dressing down.
"I read Velocity's report. You fucked up Armsmaster. In this town, we don't like police brutality- or at least, we don't like brutalizing criminals as mentally ill and traumatized as Hookwolf!"
She paused and composed herself. "I have a lot of acquitances with PTSD. I know victims of human trafficking. It's not their fault."
"But he's a Nazi!" Colin protested.
"Because Kaiser was the first person to take him in, show him kindness, let him live like a human being." She explained. "Look, I get that things are different here than from your home dimension- but you have to let go of your assumptions. I heard from Kandinsky's troopers how you reacted to Skitter."
"She's a-"
"I don't give a fuck." Piggot said bluntly. "God forbid, if you happen to end up interacting with her, you will show some goddamned respect."
Colin gritted his teeth.
"Am. I. Understood, Armsmaster?" Piggot punctuated every word with a jab of her pencil towards Armsmaster. Her fingers strained pink with flushed blood.
"Yes."
She arched one eyebrow. "Yes what?"
"Yes, I understand!"
"Good. Dismissed. Get the fuck out of my sight."
He sighed and stood up, slamming the door behind him. It tore off at the hinges and collapsed onto the hallway.
"That's coming out of your first paycheck!" Piggot screamed at him.
Colin groaned in frustration.
+++
Armsmaster walked into the elevator. And waited, watching the numbers go down. His lab was now in the basement. Supposedly they cleared out some dingy garage for him. He would have to start from scratch- all of his waldos and 3D printers, and energy generators and batteries. And his designs and schematics, too. Even his iconic tinker tech bike.
What a pain. He had an appointment with a PR representative coming up soon and that just gave him a headache.
And the elevator was still just as ridiculously slow as ever.
Dragon's voice came over the speakers. Her slight Newfoundland accent giving her voice a distinctive twang. That he knew was wholly artificial.
"Sup, Armsmaster."
"Dragon." He tried to greet her normally, but it came out curt and cold. He realized that he was still shocked that she was an AI. Why did the Dragon from his dimension never told him the truth? Had she not trusted him? Or was this a difference between dimensions, and his Dragon wasn't ever an AI, but a real live human being?
"Do you have a problem with me?" Dragon asked out of the blue.
"What? No, I don't have a problem with you." Colin said, a tad bit defensively. "Why would you ever think that?"
"Well, I know we don't know each other- but you know me, I was your friend in that other dimension right? So why don't you...I don't know...try and befriend me? You've been giving me the cold shoulder, no matter how nice I was and how many times I try to start a conversation. And that hurts my feelings." Dragon told him bluntly.
Colin blinked and then coughed. "I- I apologize. A lot of things are happening at once and I am being overwhelmed by so many things being different. It wasn't my intention to hurt you."
He was just reading from the social prompt built into his HUD, verbatim.
"You know I can read the social prompt in your HUD, right?" Dragon deadpanned. "Like, it was super easy to hack. Seriously, I am not impressed with your attitude. Hmmmph."
There was a static sound as she disconnected from the speakers in anger.
Colin started bashing his head against the elevator's metal doors. Dammit, he fucked up again! What did people even want with him? The doors suddenly opened and he stumbled forward, collapsing onto Hannah, who yelped in shock.
They crashed to the floor, his face inches from her own- her bandana had fallen to the side. Her lips parted in surprise.
"Oh my." She said, eyes wide- then it turned mischievous. "That was bold, Armsmaster."
She grabbed one of his biceps with both of her arms even as Colin hastily climbed back up to try and get away from Hannah.
"Armsmaster- you're into me." She said, her voice sultry and confident.
"No. No I most assuredly am not. It was an accident."
Hannah shook her head. "You gotta take responsibility for accidents, honey."
She winked at him.
The fuck. Colin didn't know what she was even talking about.
That was when Dauntless rounded the corner. "YOU! Get away from Hannah!"
Colin backed up- but Hannah was still hanging onto his biceps.
Dauntless roared, stomping one foot angrily against the ground and started stomping towards him in his Hoplite styled armour and greaved legs bouncing up and down like a dumb brute.
Then he suddenly froze mid step like a sculpture.
Clockblocker- in full costume- poked his head around from behind Dauntless.
"Sup, Armsy. I saved your ass."
Colin breathed a sigh of relief, then forced Hannah off of him with a rough shove.
"Miss Militia! You can't just accost my person whenever you want! That is not professional behaviour!" He said. Repeating word for word what his social prompt said...would work on his dimension's Hannah, but not this one! Fuck, he hadn't calibrated his social prompts for the new dimension! That was why he was having trouble. Oh shit! And worse yet, he didn't know how. His prompt was built with help from his Dragon. Without Dragon to help him...oh god.
Hannah frowned at him. She bent down, picked up her American flag bandana and wrapped it around her mouth.
"They told me America was the land where your dreams come true. I dreamed of love." She said in a thick Kurdish accent. "It was all a lie"
She pushed pass him and entered the elevator, slamming her hand on a button. The door closed with a ding.
"Ooooh, she mad at you, Armsy." Clockblocker said. "You hurt her pretty bad."
"But why- wasn't she into Dauntless?"
"You mean you don't know?" Clockblocker said, sounding honestly surprised. "She was trying to make you jealous. It was obvious to me- hell, to literally anyone but Dauntless- that she's totally into you. Never seen her pine for someone so hard in all the years I've known her."
What.
"Yeah. You can tell because she flirts with you." Clockblocker said with certainty.
Colin blinked his eyes. "But she literally flirts with anything that moves."
"It's subtle." Clockblocker said.
"She's anything but subtle." Colin scoffed.
"It's the way she smiles with her eyes- dammit man! You have no awareness." Dennis rebuked.
Colin groaned. "That's insane. How could anyone possibly tell?"
"Yeah, the mystery of women is mysterious. But that's no excuse- your game must suck. Anyway, uh, you haven't met the Wards yet, right?"
"No, I have not." Colin admitted. Even though he should know all of their identities and alter egos already. That much at least, shouldn't have changed between Universes.
"Cool! I'll introduce you!"
Colin sighed and followed Clockblocker down the hallway, sidestepping a frozen Dauntless. God, that man had problems.
Dennis paused. "Oh yeah, so, I saw the video of you beating up Hookwolf, it was posted on PHO. Damn that was brutal. People are scared of you."
Colin sighed. Just great- his first day on the job and he already had bad PR! Everything he had worked for his whole life was in ruins- and he had no idea how to even begin trying to find a way to get back to his own dimension. Assuming he really was in a different dimension and that this wasn't part of some elaborate master effect. There was really no way to tell reality apart from simulation- not at this level of realism.
Dennis continued blabbering. "Which is kind of cool, you just picked the wrong target. Skitter has the whole scary anti-hero thing going on for her too, but she doesn't go after people like Hookwolf. People like it when police brutality is against toughened crime lords, not mentally ill people. Way to shoot yourself in the foot-"
Colin's temper flared at hearing about Skitter and he punched the wall with his gauntleted fist- only to whimper in pain when the metal of his gauntlet bent in and jammed into his fingers painfully.
"Aaaagh!" He screamed in pain.
Dennis held up both arms. "Whoaaa, man! The walls are reinforced- you could hurt yourself!"
"Aydedhurtmaisalf." Colin grounded out between his teeth, while clutching one arm to his chest. "The fuck is wrong with these walls- who the heck reinforce the walls on the inside?"
"Yeah, Kid Win went nuts during a Tinker fugue, used up every metal in storage and reinforced all the hallways down here with his uber alloy tiles. Piggot decided to keep it."
Kid Win. The fuck.
"Kid Win!? He did this?" Colin said, staring at the metal walls in surprise. "He could do something like this?"
Dennis was giving him a weird look- emoted through his helmet. "You mean you don't know that Kid Win does all of our Tinkertech?"
Colin's face scrunched up in confusion. "But he can't make anything work properly! And his technology is sloppy and inefficient!"
Now it was Dennis' turn to look confused. He tilted his helmet to one side.
"He's the best Tinker on the East Coast." He told Colin bluntly. "His modular technology is super adaptable- and can accommodate normal tech super easily, making him invaluable to the PRT ENE."
-FLASHBACK-
"And so, these laser modules cost about $9000 each, but-" Kid Win begin to say. The Review Board officer wasn't paying attention. He was busy staring at the lab report from the technology testing folks down at the lab. He picked up one of the modules that was compatible with any standard human rifle and that was easy to maintain. Dragon favourably reported that it may be mass reproducible given enough time to analyze the tech.
"Shut up." He told Kid Win.
The Ward paused, a frown on his face.
"Excuse me?" Kid Win asked, concern in his tone.
"I said shut up." The Officer stood up- withdraw his wallet and threw it on the ground in front of Kid Win. "SHUT UP AND TAKE MY MONEY!"
This action was mirrored by the entire Review Board moments afterwards. -END FLASHBACK-
"What." Colin stared at Clockblocker in disbelief.
The first thing Colin noticed when he walked through the familiar door into the Ward's Lounge was Sophia Hess. She had a black eye, and her jaw was swollen.
Gallant- Dean, and Aegis-Carlos, were also in the room. The other Wards like Vista, Triumph and Kid Win were nowhere in sight.
"Shadow Stalker- what happened to you?" He asked, quite concerned at an apparently injured Ward.
She mumbled something. His HUD helpfully transcribed that as "I got beaten up."
"By who?" Colin asked.
Carlos interrupted, skipping over to Colin and yammered. "Hello Armsmastah! Nice to meet you- the name is Caaaaaarlos."
He held out a hand for Colin to shake. Which he did.
But Colin was still curious. "But who beat up Shadow Stalker?"
Carlos started laughing silently, mouth opening and closing with no sound. Then he walked to the fridge and started rooting around for something.
"Um, it was like this." Dean begin to explain, picking up the slack for the Wards leader.
-FLASHBACK-
"Mask up, Wards!" Dean called out before pulling on his Gallant mask. Everyone else obediently did the same. Vista was practically dancing on one foot- excited to meet the new independent heroine they had all heard about.
The sliding doors parted and Skitter marched in imperiously, the yellow lenses of her mask gazing around the room, judging each Ward silently.
Finally satisfied, she nodded her head.
"I am Skitter." Her voice was heavily modulated and deep making her sound like a much older man instead of the teenage girl that she was. Oddly enough, part of her voice came from the air vents. Dean swallowed his saliva. That was scary.
"I find you….adequate." She said. Her emotions revealed her mild annoyance.
Dean breathed a sigh of relief.
That was when Shadowstalker walked out of the bathroom, sans the mask. "Whoo, that Fugly Bob burger really did a number on my bowels. I had like two deuce, back to back. Oui."
Skitter turned to look at Sophia Hess and froze up.
"Sophia." There was no emotion in Skitter's statement. Gallant frowned, how did Skitter know who Shadow Stalker was? And why was Skitter suddenly the emotional equivalent of a black hole?
"Um, yeah. Oh hey you're Skitter, I am a huge fa-"
Skitter rammed Sophia into the floor and started pounding on her face with her fists. The black girl cried and tried to fight back, but Skitter never gave her a chance.
"Feel my fist. On your face. You hate this. I feel great." Skitter chanted as she went to town on Stalker's bruising face. "My fist. On your face. On your face. On your face!"
"Oh my God." Dean said in horror. Skitter's emotions was bugfuck insane right now. She was all rage and no reason. She was the emotional equivalent of a raging inferno from Hell. She was going to kill Sophia.
"Somebody stop her!" Carlos shouted, panicking and waving his arms up and down- but he was facing the wrong direction and staring at the watercolour wallpaper of Alexandria wrestling the Siberian. In string bikinis. Missy drew that a year ago as part of the PRT ENE art contest. She won.
Missy frowned. "But why?"
Dean was disturbed that Missy's emotions revealed she was honestly confused by what was wrong with the scene.
"B-but Sophia might die!"
"So?" Missy frowned, sincere confusion in her voice and emotion. -END FLASHBACK-
Colin gritted his teeth. That criminal scum dared to beat up Shadow Stalker?
"That monster!"
"-but then it turned out that Stalker caused Skitter's trigger event." Dean continued to elaborate. "So yeah, the entire incident was brushed under the table by management."
Colin reeled. Shadow Stalker caused Skitter's trigger event? The fuck- when? How?
Colin turned to Carlos. "And Sophia wasn't punished? She violated her probation!"
Sophia Hess grumbled. "I can hear you assholes talking about me."
Carlos shrugged, his shoulders jerked awkwardly. "Stalker got chewed out by Piggot. But Skitter didn't want her to go to jail. Instead Sophia got a much worse punishment."
"Oh, how worse?" Colin dared to ask.
-FLASHBACK-
"Shadow Stalker here, I am on the roof overlooking the ABB bastards."
"Good." Skitter's voice came over the comms. "Do nothing until I begin my assault, my minion."
"What, I could take them!" Sophia protested. Then she yelped in pain when a fire ant bit her on the arse.
"Verily, I shall command that which skitter, crawl, leap and fly, to march up your anus and die there- if you dare to disobey." Skitter said. Her voice entirely without emotion and completely serious. "Do not disobey me, minion."
Sophia whined in terror. She absolutely hated being the Ward's official ambassador to Skitter. -END FLASHBACK-
"That has got to be illegal." Colin said, frowning.
"It's pretty terrifying- Stalker has nightmares daily now." Dennis said, sitting down on a couch. "It's pretty damn great! I love it! Booyeah!"
He high fived a Missy in pyjamas that was suddenly next to him- then she vanished from the room again.
What.
"Was that Missy?"
"Yes." Dennis confirmed.
There was a pause.
"Why isn't she here to greet me?" Colin wondered.
"Probably writing fanfics. She's a bit nuts." Dennis said nonchalantly, holding up his thumb and index finger to measure just how nuts- apparently Missy was only 1 inch nuts.
Then he paused. "Well, I hope she's writing fanfics. I am afraid to think of what else she could be doing."
He suddenly yelled and dramatically pointed a finger at Dean.
"Dean! Is Missy actually doing drugs! Tell the truth!"
Dean froze. "I- I can't tell you that! And how would I know?"
"You sense emotions, man- surely you'd know if someone was doing drugs!"
Dean sweated, looking at everyone in the room nervously- and then pointed at Carlos. "Carlos does drugs!'
"What!" Dennis exclaimed.
"WHAT." Colin whirled to look at the leader of the Wards, who was calmly wiping white powder away from his lips.
Carlos held up a powdered donut and mumbled between bites. "It's a snack! Chill people. I don't do illegal drugs."
Colin's HUD lit up. TRUTH.
Colin relaxed marginally. Thank the Gods of Science, he was wondering if he had to report this to Director Piggot-
"I love those painkillers though."
Colin gave him a confused look.
"Look, I have adaptable biology, not pain neutralizer. It's all above board though, Dr. Yamada was the one who supplied me- and we know she would never hurt anyone!" Carlos told everyone, his jaw biting at the air. He then took out a small unlabeled bottle. He popped out a couple of orange pills and started munching on them, his teeth chewing on the pills like candy. "Best part is I can't overdose! I mean, I do, but then it makes no difference because I still function just fiiiiiine."
He gnashed at the air. The leader of the Wards then walked away towards his room. "Bye guys, I feel sleepy."
"Huh." Dennis said. "She also offered me those pills- but she said they were candy."
He paused.
"That actually explained why I had that weird dream-"
"Anyway, Armsmaster! I am curious. What were we like in your universe?" Dean turned around and gestured at a shell shocked Colin Walis.
"Armsmaster?" He waved a hand in front of the catatonic man.
Colin wandered over to a couch and forced himself to sit down next to Dennis, his mind aflame.
"I can't do this." He covered his face with his gauntlets.
Dennis patted him on the shoulders. "It's okay, man. I know things are different here, but things are not that different. We are still the same people you know."
"Um, no you guys really aren't." Colin deadpanned.
"Ouch. That was rude of you." Dennis frowned.
Shadowstalker wandered over and sat down next to Colin.
"It's okay Armsmaster person- when I had mandatory therapy, I realized that I wasn't normal either. Maybe that's what you need, therapy?"
Colin frowned. "We could afford mandatory therapy, since when?"
As far as Colin knew, Piggot had saved tons of money by making therapy on-request only.
Dennis coughed. "Since Piggot realized that a Ward caused Skitter's trigger event because she was a psycho."
"Fuck you, Dennis." Sophia snarled at him.
"No thank you. Who knows what...bugs...you have down there. Ha! Buuuuurn!" Booyeah!" He high fived Missy. She vanished immediately afterwards.
Colin stood up. "Actually, therapy sounds good. But I would like to set up my laboratory as soon as possible."
"Okay, man." Dennis said. He then turned to Sophia. "So, I know you must do drugs- cause you're a little tolerable nowadays after talking to Yamada. Oh- I am hilarious! Another sick burn! Booyeah!"
Colin was entirely unsurprised when Missy appeared next to him and they high fived- and as before she immediately disappeared.
Colin walked out on the teenage psychos.
Barbarians! Savages all of them!
+++
Colin cried out as if he was in physical pain when he walked into his so-called "lab". It was a mess! As if someone had cleaned out an old storage space full of janitorial equipment, and had ripped off anything that was rooted to the ground, leaving only the stumps of wires sticking out.
Actually, that was probably exactly what had happened.
There was a new metal table, presumably for him to work on.
He missed his old lab more than ever, it would take him years to build back up to where he was. He would need to build the tools to build the equipments to build the machinery to build the waldos to build the advanced tools to build the advanced equipments to build the advanced machineries ad infinitum.
To say nothing of the software side of things.
Colin reached for the wall and started slamming his head against it. He hated this. He hated everything.
"Excuse me, would you perchance be the new Tinker?"
A suave voice called out from the opened doorway.
Colin turned his head to beheld his audience.
Dressed there in an Armani business suit over a collared white shirt was an impeccably dressed teenager, brown hair slicked back with hair gels.
He wore a pair of really expensive looking sunglasses of impeccable quality. Colin recognized it as one of the higher end brands. Not something he could have justified buying when cheaper brands worked just as well. If he had a civilian life, which he did not.
"Uh, yes. Who're you?" The Protectorate Hero asked.
The kid straightened his back and adjusted his suit collar. "I am Christopher Augustine Martin de Foléy. The Third."
Wait. He knew that name from somewhere...
His eyeballs bugged out when he made the connection.
"Kid Win!?" Colin gasped out, disbelief coursing through him.
"Yes. It is I. And your name, good sir?"
"But you know my na- I mean...Um...Armsmaster. I mean, Colin Walis." Colin stammered.
"Pleasure to meet you, Mr. Walis." Christopher said. He then sniffed the air and frowned at the state of the storage room.
"This is a really dusty storage area. I should warn you that you might have allergic reactions if you stayed here for too long."
He withdrew a handkerchief and sneezed neatly, before tucking it away into a pocket.
"My nose agrees with my assessment. If you'll excuse me, I must return to my lab. My nanomolecular recombinatorial drones are in the process of organically deriving a means to form a new melee weapon through natural selection. I am excited. If you need my help with your own tinkering, I am more than happy to share my experiences. Those review board guys may be tough, but they are always fair. "
He marched out, pausing to dust off something on his cuff- then turned a corner and vanished from the door frame.
Colin backed up against the wall and slid down in a daze.
"I just want to go home." He cried out and started sobbing.
Triumph walked over and tapped Colin on the shoulder. Colin looked up from his paperwork and frowned at the lion-themed hero.
"Um, Armsboy—"
"It's Armsmaster." Colin clarified, annoyed. But he was in a different universe after all, it wasn't like he should expect anything normal.
"Yeah, so, can you come with me to check up on my cousin, Dinah? She recently got a new pet, and it might be dangerous, but I don't know anything about science."
"Um...sure." Colin knew that Triumph's father was the Mayor...and his cousin would be the Mayor's niece. Perhaps that was exactly what he needed, to rub shoulders with some of the old blood of the Bay. If he stacked up good will, it could give him political advantages down the road.
"Sure, let's go."
+++
They arrived at Dinah Alcott's house, it was a very large house in the suburbs— her mother greeted them, giving Triumph a hug and shaking Armsmaster's hand.
Armsmaster was slightly bothered by the fact two heroes waltzed up to a house in the suburbs in broad daylight and nobody was worried about security concerns.
"She's right up stairs."
They made their way upstairs to Dinah's room. Opening the door, Triumph grinned and called out his cousin.
"Hey, Dinah! It's your favourite cousin!"
"Rory!"
They hugged.
Colin walked in and took in the stereotypical decor. Some obscure Asian boy band poster was on her wall, along with expensive looking collectible dolls in a glass case and valuable electronic devices. Rich spoiled white kid. Typical.
Rory, ignorant of Armsmaster's thoughts and disdain, waved him forward.
"Dinah, this is Armsmaster. He's a tinker and very smart, even though he's new—"
Armsmaster wanted to scream that he wasn't new, that he had been heroing for longer than Triumph have been pissing in the toilet under his own power. But he held his tongue.
Networking, Colin. You're here to network!
"— and so we want to look at your pet, maybe he can identify its species and see if its potentially dangerous. Okay?" Triumph said.
Dinah nodded her head and walked over to her closet.
Colin frowned. She kept a pet in her closet?
Dinah opened the closet and Armsmaster's eyes widened.
He grabbed his Halberd and pointed it at Dinah's "pet."
A thin man in a bodysuit stepped out of the closet and gave everyone a wave. His suit had a white snake that coiled around him.
Armsmaster knew this from his briefings back in his home universe.
"Coil!"
Dinah gasped. "How did you know his name!"
Triumph walked forward and inspected Coil. "Huh. Nice white colouration. Those are pretty scales."
Armsmaster blinked his eyes. "Triumph! That's a supervillain, step away!"
Triumph laughed. "What, this little fellow?"
"What's your malfunction— there's a bad guy in Dinah's closet!"
Dinah frowned and stomped her feet. "That's my pet! I found him in the sewers."
Triumph frowned. "Dinah, why were you in the sewers?"
"I was feeling bored. But Coil was there, and he looked so cute, so I grabbed him and took him home with me."
Triumph give Coil a pat on the head. "He's a cute critter alright."
Coil nodded his head and said. "I am a snek."
Armsmaster was starting to suspect that Coil had a stranger rating. And a potential fetish for pretending to be a little girl's pet snake!
Mrs. Alcott entered the room then, carrying a trail of drinks. "I brought you guys some lemonade. It's a hot day."
"Thanks, Auntie!"
"Thanks, mom!"
Armsmaster grabbed Mrs. Alcott by the shoulders, nearly causing her to drop the tray.
"Mrs. Alcott, please tell me you see the supervillain standing in the middle of the room!"
She glanced over at Coil. "Oh that's the pet snake Dinah found and took home with her."
"I am a snek." Coil continued.
Armsmaster stabbed Coil with his halberd while screaming. "You're not a snake!"
Dinah screamed and started crying while Triumph punched Armsmaster in the face.
"Bastard! Why did you kill that poor snake!'
Mrs. Alcott grabbed Coil's arms and started hauling out of the room. "We gotta get this snake to the vet! Help me, Rory!"
Triumph decked Colin in the face again, knocking the older man into Dinah's dresser and turned to help his aunt rescue a defenceless animal.
Dinah trailed after that, bawling her eyes out. "My pet!"
+++
"Well, that should do it." The Vet said as he finished stitching up Coil. The Supervillain patted his belly and smiled.
"I am a Snek."
Dinah was smiling again, whilst Rory held her shoulder and Mrs. Alcott asked questions for Coil's long term care plans.
Armsmaster glared at them all through a glass window. He had been forbidden from entering the room with them earlier, and a security guard was keeping an eye on him, one hand on a shock baton.
Colin twitched when his helmets' audio systems picked up nurses gossiping about the "animal abuser" by the water cooler.
Something was wrong here, and he was going to find out why!
Suddenly an explosion resounded outside.
Hurrying outside, Colin gaped as he saw the Undersiders trying to run away from Empire capes. Krieg and Stormtiger were pressing their attack ahead of pretty blonde boys in suits and holding up signs that decried the degeneration of America's great white race.
Vans and cars were overturned as the superpowered chase continued— to the Undersiders' credit, they weren't stupid enough to engage. They ran for it. Especially since they lacked a strong firepower like Skitter in this universe. Thank god for small mercies.
He breathed a sigh of relief. Finally, he could do heroics again!
Halberd in hand, he took a step forward and took down Stormtiger who didn't even see him coming. The idiot was busy going through fake kung-fu moves and jumping around like a Bruce Lee knockoff.
Next he stabbed Krieg in the calf and the man went down, dropping his gun. "Uh! Fuck you you damn hero!"
Rune screamed. "Uncle Kraut!"
Uncle Kraut? What the fuck.
She rammed Armsmaster with her floating rock and started slapping him. Armsmaster grabbed her arm and easily subdued her. He handcuffed her with an emergency cuff he kept on his utility belt for such purposes.
Rune struggled and screamed at him. "Fuck you, boy! Who even the fuck are you, some new hero?"
"You have the right to remain silen—" Colin begin, but suddenly, a guitar riff blasted through the air that nearly shattered Colin's eardrums.
Drum beats started.
"ENOUGH! TOO MUCH VIOLENCE!" A Chinese-sounding accent mangled out from above.
Looking up, Armsmaster paled. On another floating concrete platform, stood Lung, chest naked and metal mask over his face. Oni Lee stood next to him, holding a guitar, while Bakuda sat behind a turntable, complete with a small laptop.
Armsmaster prepared to run for it and call for backup— from the corner of his eyes he saw civilians take out their phones to film the spectacle, and begin to converge towards them.
This was bad, these people could get hurt!
"BROCKTON BAY! ARE YOU READY! FOR TOUGH LOVE!" Lung roared.
"Love, you gotta fight for it, bitches!" Bakuda shouted.
Oni Lee started strumming his guitar. The sound amplified through powerful speakers built onto the platform.
"FOR!" Lung continued.
Bakuda tapped a key on her laptop and pyrotechnic fire exploded behind her to the cheers of the crowd.
"THE!" Bakuda started smacking away on her drums as more bombs went off everywhere, blinding Colin as sparks of fire showered him, Rune and the groaning Krieg.
"ASIAN BAD BOYZ!"
Lung started vocalizing at a very high pitch, before following up with some solid singing in dynamic and powerful Korean. Colin was shocked to hear Lung sing. He was very good! Also what the fuck is going on!?
A self-inflicted disaster weighs down on us, and our sighs rend the Heavens.
The crowd went nuts.
The glass door to the animal hospital slid opened and nurses and doctors wandered out, gaping. A nurse squealed and started dancing.
Triumph and Dinah ran out and gasped.
"It's the Asian Bad Boyz!" Dinah screamed, waving her hand like a rabid fangirl.
Here, fear of destruction reigns; has hope already folded its wings? After the last drop has been drained from the river, is everything lost?
Armsmaster suddenly realized that the ABB were a literal band. Then cars pulled to a stop and people started piling out to join the increasingly larger crowd.
Bakuda suddenly stepped up and started belting into the microphone. Jesus, she can sing too!?
Armsmaster's HUD indicated an incoming call.
He answered, but relied on subtitles to read what the other end had to say. The ruckus around him was just too loud.
"Armsmaster— my office! You gotta explain' to do! Abusing animals, being on national television after stabbing Uncle Kraut!" Piggot's angry voice shouted over the phone.
Colin sighed.
"Don't move. ABB fans are insane— they'll tear you apart if you stand up and catch their attention. They hate violence and you're close enough to a cop. Skitter and Vista are on enroute to retrieve you."
Armsmaster took off his helmet, uncaring for anyone seeing his face and smashed it against the concrete while Rune continued sobbing and insulting him.
"Fuck you and your racism!" Rune wailed. "We were just peacefully protesting, but the Undersiders decided to attack our rally."
Armsmaster decided that since he was already in trouble anyway, he might as well shut her up.
He grabbed Rune's hair and smacked her against the pavement, breaking her nose.
She was knocked out immediately.
Colin flipped onto his side next to the Nazi teenager and closed his eyes, as his ears continued to be assaulted by Lung's rocking voice.
