Hey SV! So this will be my first thread on the forum, and also the first time I've posted my...
Piper's Payment
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Chapter 1
- Location
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Hey SV! So this will be my first thread on the forum, and also the first time I've posted my original fiction...well, anywhere. But I've been mulling over this idea for years now, and if I don't start posting it, then I might never finish it. Please be completely honest in your critiques; good or bad, I need to know so that I can improve. Other than that, hope you enjoy!
In retrospect, I should have known it would be a terrible day when I saw the death curse trapped in my bathroom mirror.
It was 6 in the morning. I had been so engrossed in a new project that I'd only gotten to sleep two hours ago. The curse was probably the prelude to some protracted magical combat session with some up-and-comer who lacked the good grace to send a proper challenge. And worst of all, I hadn't any time to clean up; the dark miasma in the mirror obscured all the details, but I was sure I looked downright hideous.
Now, honestly, the presence of the curse wasn't all that surprising. As current Novem of the Conclave Magicae, King of Artifice, and just generally perfect being, I've ruffled quite a few feathers in my time. Besides, I have no shame in admitting that I'm a much easier target than my distinguished colleagues. But my mirror, really? What did it do to deserve such a fate?
"Yeah, I know. It's not like you built this thing specifically to act as a shield or something," said Grimhilde drily, her voice echoing through my mind. "Seriously, Cedric, isn't that why you put it in a guest bathroom?"
"Yes, but it's still belongs to me," I muttered, tapping my finger against the glass and leaning in with narrowed eyes. I stared at the twisted mass of black magic currently straining against the enchanted glass, tendrils reaching out to stain the silver frame. "It's my work of art, and I cannot stand to have it defiled in such a manner."
"Indeed," said Gerhard, his form manifesting next to me. The tall brown-haired man was wearing his typical butler's uniform, this time one made out of autumn leaves and lengthening shadows. Don't ask me how I knew they were specifically "lengthening"; an artist has to keep some secrets. "This…thing is throwing off the entire alignment of the bathroom. It must be removed posthaste," he continued, narrowing his bright green eyes.
"Ugh, do you really have to buy into this?" Grimhilde replied, her spiritual form manifesting on my other side, draped in a dress made of the evening sky. Her blonde hair was left to flow to her waist, and her blue eyes were sparking with annoyance. "We both know the only reason he cares is because he can't see his reflection anymore."
"It's not the only reason," I said, sighing. "Although it does make the issue much more pressing. Now then, let's get started, shall we?"
Nodding, my two Familiars floated a few inches away, giving me room to move. I took a deep breath and raised my hands, slowly starting to flex my fingers as they were surrounded by a thin violet aura…which almost immediately winked out.
"What?!" I shouted. This didn't make any sense. If the curse was caught, it shouldn't be interfering with my spells, so what was the problem?
Suddenly I heard Grimhilde snort. "Cedric, you do realize you're not even half-dressed, right?" she asked, just barely suppressing laughter.
"What are you talking about? I'm wearing a nightgo-oh," I said, looking down at my fingers. My bare, ringless fingers. Touching the collar of my nightgown, I groaned when I felt nothing but cloth. "Ah. That makes sense," I sighed.
"I suppose you need our assistance then, Sir?" Gerhard asked, his quiet chuckles almost drowned out by Grimhilde's uproarious laughter.
"…Yes, that would be most helpful," I said, my cheeks flushing.
"You got it," Grimhilde said with a smirk, before she and Gerhard's manifestations vanished. A moment later, the two bracelets on my wrists, the only jewelry I actually wore to bed, began to glow.
"Would you like us to perform the spell instead?" came Gerhard's voice. "It would be a trivial matter."
"Perish the thought," I said quietly as I readjusted my hand position. "Just because I'm underdressed doesn't mean I'm an invalid. Besides," I muttered, "I need to regain at least some dignity.
"Alright, fine. But if you mess this up, I reserve the right to laugh at you," Grimhilde said, her voice giving the impression of a grin.
"I would expect nothing less," I replied, relaxing as my hands once more began to move through the air. With Grimhilde and Gerhard supplementing my lack of Artifacts, the magic finally began to take form. With each twitch of my elegant fingers, a rune of purple light materialized, sparkling with Grimhilde's reflective essence. They followed the trails my hands moved, guided by our will, until I was surrounded by the things. A few more deft movements wove them together into a completed diagram, one which rippled and flowed like cloth being blown by the wind yet still echoed the solidity that only Gerhard's creations could match.
"And now," I said, positioning my hands right behind the diagram, "to your work." A single pulse of magic brought the spell in contact with the mirror, the purple quickly turning black as the malignant magic was siphoned out. I took a step back and raised my hands; even with my Familiars helping, I still was the main mind behind the spell; in my state, there was a good chance it would fail. However, my fears were unfounded. In a matter of moments, the now blackened array compressed itself into a tight orb of twisted magic, leaving the mirror clear once more.
"Ah, perfect," I sighed as Grimhilde and Gerhard rematerialized next to me, the latter conjuring a glass box to store the spell. As he floated out of the room, I looked at my reflection and groaned. It was even worse than I thought.
"Mirror, mirror, on the wall," I sighed, "how much work will it take to be presentable?"
"If you were normal? None," Grimhilde said, to which I scoffed. "Honestly, your attitude gives your ancestor a run for her money."
"Better honest vanity than false modesty," I replied, slowly running my fingers over my face. Slight discolorations from sleeping on a desk faded back to a rose-toned white, bags disappearing from under blue eyes, shoulder-length hair regaining its ebony shine and luster. Once the basic work had been taken care of, then came the application of cosmetics, covering whatever minor imperfections the magic had failed to correct. Ten minutes later, I once again looked normal.
"There we are," I said, examining myself in the mirror with a contented smile. "A fine base is essential for proper artistic creation, is it not?"
"Indeed, Master," replied Gerhard as he floated back in, opening the door behind him with a quick glance. "One cannot create beauty from nothing."
"If you're done stroking each other's ego," Grimhilde muttered, "I have more important things to be listening to. Like wind blowing." With that, her manifested image vanished.
"Philistine," I scoffed as I straightened up, giving myself a final onceover before walking out into the clean marble hallway. Looking around, I smiled to see the rosewood door to my bedroom directly in front of me. With a nod to Gerhard, who smiled and bowed before likewise fading, I opened the door and walked in. As always, the transfer from cold marble to plush carpeting brought a sense of relaxation, one which was only aided when I shucked off my nightgown. As I felt the building rumble around me, Gerhard returning the rooms to their proper places, I walked over to the floor-length mirror my Familiar had prepared so that I could properly finish my examination.
"So Grimhilde, would you happen to know who might have sent that curse?" I asked, looking my lean form over from all the required angles. When there was no response, I turned away for a moment, only to groan when I heard giggling. Looking back, I was unsurprised to see Grimhilde standing where my reflection should be. "Quite unnecessary," I sighed, folding my arms at the grinning spirit.
"Just making sure I have your attention," she chuckled, ignoring my body with the practiced ease that only family can muster. "And unfortunately no. The 'flavor' of the spell doesn't match anyone you've encountered recently, and the spell was guided by your name rather than anything physical."
"Of course it was," I groaned. This was just getting worse and worse; any magician powerful enough to send a curse like that through name alone was one I had to be wary of. "Anything else you were able to glean from it?"
"Just that whoever cast this thing is pretty sick," she said with a grimace. "It's basic sympathetic magic stuff until you get to the second layer. Then you start hitting the personal touches."
"Dare I ask what those are?" I asked resignedly.
"Your bones tearing their way out of your skin, followed by your organs dissolving one by one, all while the spell keeps you alive to feel it." Grimhilde's grimace had transformed into a mask of utter disgust and hatred.
"Absolutely wonderful," I sighed, pressing my head in my hands. "We're not just dealing with an upper level mage, we're dealing with a psychotic upper-level mage. That's always pleasant."
"Sir, would you like me to contact Ms. Aberford?" came Gerhard's voice, soon followed by the spirit himself. "I'm sure she would be more than happy to deal with this."
"And wake her up early?" I asked with a chuckle. "Not worth the argument. Besides, I can hardly sit back and let someone else solve my problem. Leave her a non-urgent meeting request. I'd like to take care of this sooner rather than later."
"Absolutely," Gerhard replied, a grin on his face as he faded from view. Suddenly, I felt a pair of feather-light arms wrap around my shoulders.
"I wish we could just get it over with," Grimhilde muttered against my back. "All I'd have to do is dig a little deeper, and I could send this curse right back to sender."
"Perhaps, but is it truly worth the effort?" I asked, patting my Familiar's hand. "We have a responsibility as members of the Conclave to be above that. I will not have you sullying yourself over a gnat like this."
"'Myself'? You mean yourself, you pretentious ass," Grimhilde said, but her words were heatless. I felt her inhale like she was about to speak more when I felt her body stiffen.
"What's wrong?" I asked as I felt her manifestation disappear, turning back to face the mirror.
"Your niece is calling you," she replied, her image once more within the glass and her expression one of confusion. "It's Cassandra," she continued before I could even ask for clarification.
"At this hour?" I muttered, quickly conjuring the illusion of a towel around my waist. My niece has many times expressed her lack of appreciation for the art that is my body, and like any loving relative, I strove to accommodate her. "Please put her through."
Grimhilde nodded, then vanished as the image in the mirror began to distort, colors flowing across the glass like paint. As it did, I started pondering why she was calling. Was it about the children? A visit would absolutely make up for the dreadful start to the day, but it was still early. Perhaps they snuck over already? I could see Gerhard "forgetting" to inform me; the spirit loved surprises.
Nevertheless, certain proprieties had to be addressed. While the image in the mirror kept shifting, I started adjusting my posture, looking for the perfect pose to great my niece with. However, those plans were interrupted when the image cleared, showing a brown-haired woman in her early fifties clad in normal sleep wear. While closer to what the unobservant might view as plain, my niece was as lovely as ever, her strong features perfectly accentuating the lines of her face, revealing a woman who knew what the world was capable of, and was always ready to fight back. On a normal day, she'd be looking at me with exasperation; she never had patience for any of my preening. Now, though, she looked absolutely terrified.
"Cassandra?" I asked, shocked out of my posture. I hadn't seen her that scared since she was a child. "What's wrong?"
"Sorry, I didn't know if you would be up, but you're the first person I could think of to call and-" Cassandra said, her husky voice frantic the words gushing out of her in a torrent.
"Cassandra," I interrupted, "just breathe. Find the beauty within, and bring it outward."
Grimacing at the familiar phrase, Cassandra closed her eyes and took several deep breaths. By the time she was done, her eyes had regained some of their fire.
"Always 'beauty' this and 'perfection' that with you," she muttered, forcing a chuckle. "Can't just tell me to calm down like a normal person, can you, Uncle Peacock?"
"I don't appreciate your tone, miss," I sighed, but a smile crept onto my face. If she was together enough to put me down, it couldn't be that bad. "Now then, what exactly has brought you to my mirror looking so distraught?" I said, starting to relax.
"It's the kids."
I stopped dead. "…What?"
"The kids. They're not here," she said, her voice devoid of anything resembling emotion.
"Define 'not here,'" I said quietly, my heart pounding. Calm down, they could have just snuck over, they've done that before…
"Their bodies are here, but they aren't," Cassandra said bluntly, and my heart stopped.
"…I'll be there in ten minutes," I said, straightening up and snapping my fingers. The mirror cleared instantly. Turning on my heel, I banished the illusion and headed straight for the bathroom. "Gerhard," I said as I passed his manifestation, "elevate the urgency of that request, please."
"At once, Sir," Gerhard said, his usually calm voice shaky as he faded from view.
"…Are they crazy?" Grimhilde asked, her voice once more slowly in my mind. "Soul magic is one thing, but going after kids? Your family? Do they have a death wish?"
"Doesn't make much of a difference," I answered, sparks of purple magic bursting from my clenched fists. "After all, whether they do or don't doesn't matter. I'll grant it either way."
Piper's Payment
In retrospect, I should have known it would be a terrible day when I saw the death curse trapped in my bathroom mirror.
It was 6 in the morning. I had been so engrossed in a new project that I'd only gotten to sleep two hours ago. The curse was probably the prelude to some protracted magical combat session with some up-and-comer who lacked the good grace to send a proper challenge. And worst of all, I hadn't any time to clean up; the dark miasma in the mirror obscured all the details, but I was sure I looked downright hideous.
Now, honestly, the presence of the curse wasn't all that surprising. As current Novem of the Conclave Magicae, King of Artifice, and just generally perfect being, I've ruffled quite a few feathers in my time. Besides, I have no shame in admitting that I'm a much easier target than my distinguished colleagues. But my mirror, really? What did it do to deserve such a fate?
"Yeah, I know. It's not like you built this thing specifically to act as a shield or something," said Grimhilde drily, her voice echoing through my mind. "Seriously, Cedric, isn't that why you put it in a guest bathroom?"
"Yes, but it's still belongs to me," I muttered, tapping my finger against the glass and leaning in with narrowed eyes. I stared at the twisted mass of black magic currently straining against the enchanted glass, tendrils reaching out to stain the silver frame. "It's my work of art, and I cannot stand to have it defiled in such a manner."
"Indeed," said Gerhard, his form manifesting next to me. The tall brown-haired man was wearing his typical butler's uniform, this time one made out of autumn leaves and lengthening shadows. Don't ask me how I knew they were specifically "lengthening"; an artist has to keep some secrets. "This…thing is throwing off the entire alignment of the bathroom. It must be removed posthaste," he continued, narrowing his bright green eyes.
"Ugh, do you really have to buy into this?" Grimhilde replied, her spiritual form manifesting on my other side, draped in a dress made of the evening sky. Her blonde hair was left to flow to her waist, and her blue eyes were sparking with annoyance. "We both know the only reason he cares is because he can't see his reflection anymore."
"It's not the only reason," I said, sighing. "Although it does make the issue much more pressing. Now then, let's get started, shall we?"
Nodding, my two Familiars floated a few inches away, giving me room to move. I took a deep breath and raised my hands, slowly starting to flex my fingers as they were surrounded by a thin violet aura…which almost immediately winked out.
"What?!" I shouted. This didn't make any sense. If the curse was caught, it shouldn't be interfering with my spells, so what was the problem?
Suddenly I heard Grimhilde snort. "Cedric, you do realize you're not even half-dressed, right?" she asked, just barely suppressing laughter.
"What are you talking about? I'm wearing a nightgo-oh," I said, looking down at my fingers. My bare, ringless fingers. Touching the collar of my nightgown, I groaned when I felt nothing but cloth. "Ah. That makes sense," I sighed.
"I suppose you need our assistance then, Sir?" Gerhard asked, his quiet chuckles almost drowned out by Grimhilde's uproarious laughter.
"…Yes, that would be most helpful," I said, my cheeks flushing.
"You got it," Grimhilde said with a smirk, before she and Gerhard's manifestations vanished. A moment later, the two bracelets on my wrists, the only jewelry I actually wore to bed, began to glow.
"Would you like us to perform the spell instead?" came Gerhard's voice. "It would be a trivial matter."
"Perish the thought," I said quietly as I readjusted my hand position. "Just because I'm underdressed doesn't mean I'm an invalid. Besides," I muttered, "I need to regain at least some dignity.
"Alright, fine. But if you mess this up, I reserve the right to laugh at you," Grimhilde said, her voice giving the impression of a grin.
"I would expect nothing less," I replied, relaxing as my hands once more began to move through the air. With Grimhilde and Gerhard supplementing my lack of Artifacts, the magic finally began to take form. With each twitch of my elegant fingers, a rune of purple light materialized, sparkling with Grimhilde's reflective essence. They followed the trails my hands moved, guided by our will, until I was surrounded by the things. A few more deft movements wove them together into a completed diagram, one which rippled and flowed like cloth being blown by the wind yet still echoed the solidity that only Gerhard's creations could match.
"And now," I said, positioning my hands right behind the diagram, "to your work." A single pulse of magic brought the spell in contact with the mirror, the purple quickly turning black as the malignant magic was siphoned out. I took a step back and raised my hands; even with my Familiars helping, I still was the main mind behind the spell; in my state, there was a good chance it would fail. However, my fears were unfounded. In a matter of moments, the now blackened array compressed itself into a tight orb of twisted magic, leaving the mirror clear once more.
"Ah, perfect," I sighed as Grimhilde and Gerhard rematerialized next to me, the latter conjuring a glass box to store the spell. As he floated out of the room, I looked at my reflection and groaned. It was even worse than I thought.
"Mirror, mirror, on the wall," I sighed, "how much work will it take to be presentable?"
"If you were normal? None," Grimhilde said, to which I scoffed. "Honestly, your attitude gives your ancestor a run for her money."
"Better honest vanity than false modesty," I replied, slowly running my fingers over my face. Slight discolorations from sleeping on a desk faded back to a rose-toned white, bags disappearing from under blue eyes, shoulder-length hair regaining its ebony shine and luster. Once the basic work had been taken care of, then came the application of cosmetics, covering whatever minor imperfections the magic had failed to correct. Ten minutes later, I once again looked normal.
"There we are," I said, examining myself in the mirror with a contented smile. "A fine base is essential for proper artistic creation, is it not?"
"Indeed, Master," replied Gerhard as he floated back in, opening the door behind him with a quick glance. "One cannot create beauty from nothing."
"If you're done stroking each other's ego," Grimhilde muttered, "I have more important things to be listening to. Like wind blowing." With that, her manifested image vanished.
"Philistine," I scoffed as I straightened up, giving myself a final onceover before walking out into the clean marble hallway. Looking around, I smiled to see the rosewood door to my bedroom directly in front of me. With a nod to Gerhard, who smiled and bowed before likewise fading, I opened the door and walked in. As always, the transfer from cold marble to plush carpeting brought a sense of relaxation, one which was only aided when I shucked off my nightgown. As I felt the building rumble around me, Gerhard returning the rooms to their proper places, I walked over to the floor-length mirror my Familiar had prepared so that I could properly finish my examination.
"So Grimhilde, would you happen to know who might have sent that curse?" I asked, looking my lean form over from all the required angles. When there was no response, I turned away for a moment, only to groan when I heard giggling. Looking back, I was unsurprised to see Grimhilde standing where my reflection should be. "Quite unnecessary," I sighed, folding my arms at the grinning spirit.
"Just making sure I have your attention," she chuckled, ignoring my body with the practiced ease that only family can muster. "And unfortunately no. The 'flavor' of the spell doesn't match anyone you've encountered recently, and the spell was guided by your name rather than anything physical."
"Of course it was," I groaned. This was just getting worse and worse; any magician powerful enough to send a curse like that through name alone was one I had to be wary of. "Anything else you were able to glean from it?"
"Just that whoever cast this thing is pretty sick," she said with a grimace. "It's basic sympathetic magic stuff until you get to the second layer. Then you start hitting the personal touches."
"Dare I ask what those are?" I asked resignedly.
"Your bones tearing their way out of your skin, followed by your organs dissolving one by one, all while the spell keeps you alive to feel it." Grimhilde's grimace had transformed into a mask of utter disgust and hatred.
"Absolutely wonderful," I sighed, pressing my head in my hands. "We're not just dealing with an upper level mage, we're dealing with a psychotic upper-level mage. That's always pleasant."
"Sir, would you like me to contact Ms. Aberford?" came Gerhard's voice, soon followed by the spirit himself. "I'm sure she would be more than happy to deal with this."
"And wake her up early?" I asked with a chuckle. "Not worth the argument. Besides, I can hardly sit back and let someone else solve my problem. Leave her a non-urgent meeting request. I'd like to take care of this sooner rather than later."
"Absolutely," Gerhard replied, a grin on his face as he faded from view. Suddenly, I felt a pair of feather-light arms wrap around my shoulders.
"I wish we could just get it over with," Grimhilde muttered against my back. "All I'd have to do is dig a little deeper, and I could send this curse right back to sender."
"Perhaps, but is it truly worth the effort?" I asked, patting my Familiar's hand. "We have a responsibility as members of the Conclave to be above that. I will not have you sullying yourself over a gnat like this."
"'Myself'? You mean yourself, you pretentious ass," Grimhilde said, but her words were heatless. I felt her inhale like she was about to speak more when I felt her body stiffen.
"What's wrong?" I asked as I felt her manifestation disappear, turning back to face the mirror.
"Your niece is calling you," she replied, her image once more within the glass and her expression one of confusion. "It's Cassandra," she continued before I could even ask for clarification.
"At this hour?" I muttered, quickly conjuring the illusion of a towel around my waist. My niece has many times expressed her lack of appreciation for the art that is my body, and like any loving relative, I strove to accommodate her. "Please put her through."
Grimhilde nodded, then vanished as the image in the mirror began to distort, colors flowing across the glass like paint. As it did, I started pondering why she was calling. Was it about the children? A visit would absolutely make up for the dreadful start to the day, but it was still early. Perhaps they snuck over already? I could see Gerhard "forgetting" to inform me; the spirit loved surprises.
Nevertheless, certain proprieties had to be addressed. While the image in the mirror kept shifting, I started adjusting my posture, looking for the perfect pose to great my niece with. However, those plans were interrupted when the image cleared, showing a brown-haired woman in her early fifties clad in normal sleep wear. While closer to what the unobservant might view as plain, my niece was as lovely as ever, her strong features perfectly accentuating the lines of her face, revealing a woman who knew what the world was capable of, and was always ready to fight back. On a normal day, she'd be looking at me with exasperation; she never had patience for any of my preening. Now, though, she looked absolutely terrified.
"Cassandra?" I asked, shocked out of my posture. I hadn't seen her that scared since she was a child. "What's wrong?"
"Sorry, I didn't know if you would be up, but you're the first person I could think of to call and-" Cassandra said, her husky voice frantic the words gushing out of her in a torrent.
"Cassandra," I interrupted, "just breathe. Find the beauty within, and bring it outward."
Grimacing at the familiar phrase, Cassandra closed her eyes and took several deep breaths. By the time she was done, her eyes had regained some of their fire.
"Always 'beauty' this and 'perfection' that with you," she muttered, forcing a chuckle. "Can't just tell me to calm down like a normal person, can you, Uncle Peacock?"
"I don't appreciate your tone, miss," I sighed, but a smile crept onto my face. If she was together enough to put me down, it couldn't be that bad. "Now then, what exactly has brought you to my mirror looking so distraught?" I said, starting to relax.
"It's the kids."
I stopped dead. "…What?"
"The kids. They're not here," she said, her voice devoid of anything resembling emotion.
"Define 'not here,'" I said quietly, my heart pounding. Calm down, they could have just snuck over, they've done that before…
"Their bodies are here, but they aren't," Cassandra said bluntly, and my heart stopped.
"…I'll be there in ten minutes," I said, straightening up and snapping my fingers. The mirror cleared instantly. Turning on my heel, I banished the illusion and headed straight for the bathroom. "Gerhard," I said as I passed his manifestation, "elevate the urgency of that request, please."
"At once, Sir," Gerhard said, his usually calm voice shaky as he faded from view.
"…Are they crazy?" Grimhilde asked, her voice once more slowly in my mind. "Soul magic is one thing, but going after kids? Your family? Do they have a death wish?"
"Doesn't make much of a difference," I answered, sparks of purple magic bursting from my clenched fists. "After all, whether they do or don't doesn't matter. I'll grant it either way."
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subsider34
Forum Lurker Extraordinaire
- Location
- Houston, TX
- Pronouns
- He/Him
Wow. I have to say, when I clicked this thread I didn't expect such a riveting start to a story. Especially not from an author who's posting original works for the first time.
I didn't catch any mistakes. The pacing is excellent, each character has clear differentiating quirks, the dialog is interesting, and the setting is defined enough to be intriguing without getting in the way.
For a first chapter, this checks all the boxes that make me want to read more. A very promising start.
I didn't catch any mistakes. The pacing is excellent, each character has clear differentiating quirks, the dialog is interesting, and the setting is defined enough to be intriguing without getting in the way.
For a first chapter, this checks all the boxes that make me want to read more. A very promising start.
- Location
- United States
So, first off, thanks to subsider34 and Howler9215 for your interest. And second, I have a bit of a funny story. Turns out that over the last week, I had a bunch of new ideas that kind of made me reframe the entire story. As such, I've updated the first chapter to reflect that. If you prefer the original, please say so, because I can and will work with it; I just think this iteration is better. Edits are in the first post, so please let me know what you think!
subsider34
Forum Lurker Extraordinaire
- Location
- Houston, TX
- Pronouns
- He/Him
I have to admit, I don't like this version as much. The things you took out were things I felt added a great deal of nuance and depth to the characters.
The discussions he had with his neice had revealed a lot about how he was treated by his extended family. How he loved her children and they him. Enough that they would sneak out to visit him routinely. Enough that their mother didn't overly worry about them doing so.
The changes also significantly altered my perception of the protagonist. Instead of being a reasonably powerful wizard with far more powerful familiars, he's now so powerful that Grimhilde does not even offer to get rid of the curse for him. Both she and Gerhard simply assume it is so trivial for him that that shouldn't even bother offering. This is not aided by removal of mention that Grimhilde is more powerful than the protagonist. The new version seems to relegate the familiars to more of a strictly secretarial role as well.
You compressed everything so you could fit a new character into this chapter (as opposed to a latter one) and avoid the search for children. The characters feel blander, shallower, and less interesting as a result. In fact the protagonist doesn't even have a name in this version.
I'm not sure if the plot works better with or without the changes. I can't see past this chapter and I don't know your plans. But I can tell you that I feel this chapter suffered significantly because of the changes.
The discussions he had with his neice had revealed a lot about how he was treated by his extended family. How he loved her children and they him. Enough that they would sneak out to visit him routinely. Enough that their mother didn't overly worry about them doing so.
The changes also significantly altered my perception of the protagonist. Instead of being a reasonably powerful wizard with far more powerful familiars, he's now so powerful that Grimhilde does not even offer to get rid of the curse for him. Both she and Gerhard simply assume it is so trivial for him that that shouldn't even bother offering. This is not aided by removal of mention that Grimhilde is more powerful than the protagonist. The new version seems to relegate the familiars to more of a strictly secretarial role as well.
You compressed everything so you could fit a new character into this chapter (as opposed to a latter one) and avoid the search for children. The characters feel blander, shallower, and less interesting as a result. In fact the protagonist doesn't even have a name in this version.
I'm not sure if the plot works better with or without the changes. I can't see past this chapter and I don't know your plans. But I can tell you that I feel this chapter suffered significantly because of the changes.
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InterstellarHobo
Cosmic Vagrant
- Location
- No Fixed Planetary System
Ah, I'm here too late to comment about versioning differences, but this is extremely promising stuff.
What we've seen of the setting isn't enough to interest me, but I'm already in love with this narcissistic tit. You've managed to concentrate an intense amount of character in a fairly brief chapter one.
What we've seen of the setting isn't enough to interest me, but I'm already in love with this narcissistic tit. You've managed to concentrate an intense amount of character in a fairly brief chapter one.
Lockedaisical
Trying my best
- Location
- New Zealand
- Pronouns
- He/They
Dude this is amazingly strong for a first chapter. I also can't compare it against the original, but regardless what I've read here is still a good hook, good premise. Watched, and eager for more.
- Location
- United States
Thank you very much for your honesty, and I can definitely see your points. For me, planning this story has always been a difficult balance against power and personality, and I feel that this is currently the version that inspires me the most. That said, you do have extremely strong points, and I will work to address them in the next chapter, because you're right; I don't want to relegate the Familiars to a secretarial role, downplay any of the interactions, or cause Cedric or his family to become blander. That said, do you think it would be worth it to make these changes to Chapter 1, or just move forward and address it as it comes? I ask simply because you raised some great points that I hadn't thought of, and I want to make the best possible story it can be. While I do want to move past Chapter 1 in the next week or so, I would feel uncomfortable presenting anything less than my best.
Initial Drafts
- Location
- United States
Sorry about the double post, but I've come to a decision and I felt it pressing to share with you. As I've said, this is my first published work of original fiction, and I'm a little obsessed with having it turn out perfect. I'm also not the most secure in my own writing at times, hence why I feel driven to edit and adjust so often. As such, I have rewritten Chapter 1 for a third time based on the feedback I received. Additionally, I am posting the original editions here for people to read and compare. That said, I am saying this; this will be the last time I rewrite this chapter. It is not fair to my readers to constantly be editing and adjusting and recreating instead of expanding, and it's not fair to me to let my anxiety take over. People may like this new version more. They may like it less. They may prefer the old versions. And if so, I absolutely respect that. I can hope that you continue to follow the story as it is now, but if you do not like the direction I'm going or the amount of unnecessary rewriting that I've implemented, I absolutely understand. But I can promise that from here on, I will continue to write this story as it currently appears in the first post. That said, I don't mean this to say that I won't be taking suggestions; in fact, I encourage you to be honest with your feedback, positive and/or negative. I just mean to say that I will not be rewriting this chapter for a fourth time, and will instead move on to Chapter 2. I hope to see you there.
(Also, sorry if this came out super pretentious. Sometimes it's hard for me to talk in anything other than overdramatic and overwritten statements of intent. Really got to work on that.)
(Also, sorry if this came out super pretentious. Sometimes it's hard for me to talk in anything other than overdramatic and overwritten statements of intent. Really got to work on that.)
In retrospect, I should have known it would be a terrible day when I saw the death curse trapped in my mirror.
I was just trying to clean up; I'd been so engrossed in a project the night before that I ended up falling asleep in my workroom, and I needed to freshen my appearance before anyone could see me less than pristine. And there it was, a growling miasma of black magic frantically pressing against the glass in my bathroom mirror, tendrils staining the silver frame with putrescent traces of dark magic.
Now, the presence of a curse was annoying, but not quite surprising.. As the "master" of an Ars Goetia, exceptional magician, and generally perfect being, I've ruffled quite a few feathers in my time. Besides, I have no shame in admitting that I am a much easier target than my distinguished court. But my mirror, really? What did it do to deserve such a fate?
Grimacing, I tapped my finger against the glass, leaning in and peering at it with narrowed eyes. But it was of no use. The mirror was well and truly inundated with the spell; what's worse, it wouldn't even cast my reflection. It needed to be purified immediately, before the world could be deprived of any more of its art.
"Oh come now, Cedric," came Grimhilde's voice. In my mind's eye I could see the spirit clad in a dress that seemed to be made out of the evening sky, her blonde hair left to flow to her waist and her blue eyes alight with mischief. "It's just a mirror. No need to be so dramatic."
"You do realize the irony in that statement, yes?" I muttered, all the while examining the mirror. Now, what sort of spell would be best for the job…?
"Of course I do. I just don't care," she replied glibly, prompting a chuckle. "In all seriousness, would you like me to take care of it?"
"Perish the thought!" I said, raising my hands before the mirror. "What sort of ruler would allow his court to complete a task he himself can perform? Besides, I've just come up with a new pattern, and this seems like the perfect time to try it out."
"Fine, 'Your Highness'. But I reserve the right to laugh if this blows up in your face," she said.
"I would expect nothing less," I replied, smiling as my hands began to move through the air. With each twitch of my elegant fingers, a rune of purple light materialized, following the trails my hands moved until I was surrounded by the things. A few more deft movements wove them together into a completed diagram, one which rippled and flowed like cloth being blown by the wind.
"And now," I said, positioning my hands right behind the diagram, "to your work." A single pulse of magic brought the spell in contact with the mirror, the purple quickly turning black as the malignant magic was siphoned out. I took a step back and raised my hands; this was a new variation of one of my purification formulas, and I needed to be ready in case it collapsed. However, my fears were unfounded. In a matter of moments, the now completely blackened spell burst into an array of sparkles just as it was meant to, leaving behind an untouched mirror.
"Perfect," I said with a grin, which quickly turned into a grimace as I saw my reflection. "Mirror, mirror, on the wall," I sighed, "how much work will it take to be presentable?"
"If you were normal? None," Grimhilde said, to which I scoffed. "Honestly, your attitude gives your ancestor a run for her money."
"Better honest vanity than false modesty," I replied, slowly running my fingers over my face. Slight discolorations from sleeping on a desk faded back to a rose-toned white, bags disappearing from under blue eyes, shoulder-length hair regaining its ebony shine and luster. Once the basic work had been taken care of, then came the application of cosmetics, covering whatever minor imperfections the magic had failed to correct. Ten minutes later, I once again looked normal.
"There we are," I said, examining myself in the mirror with a contented smile. "A fine base is essential for proper artistic creation, is it not?"
"If you're quite finished preening, perhaps we could get on with our lives?" Grimhilde said, my mental image putting her hands on her hips.
"Philistine," I muttered as I straightened up, giving myself a final onceover before stepping into the bedroom. As always, the transfer from cold marble to plush carpeting brought a sense of relaxation, one which was only aided when I began shucking the puff-sleeved shirt and black trousers I'd been wearing since last night. With a flick of my fingers, a large mirror rose up from the carpet, allowing me to properly examine my lean form.
"So, what news is most important for me to know this morning?" I said, looking myself over from all the necessary angles. However, I was interrupted when Grimhilde's image appeared in the glass. "Quite unnecessary," I sighed, folding my arms at the grinning spirit.
"Just making sure I have your attention," she chuckled, ignoring my body with the practiced ease that only close friends can muster. "To begin with, Phenex report seeing signs of a Dullahan lurking near our territory."
"I suppose that explains the death curse," I groaned, putting a hand against my face. "If it comes by again, please tell her to teach it a lesson."
"Noted," Grimhilde said. "Next, Vepar would like you to arrange a proper summoning. It seems he has some new formulas he's interested in discussing."
"More aquatic spells are always a boon," I said, smiling. "I'll get on that today or tomorrow. Anything else or may I proceed with the rest of my morning rituals?" As I spoke I turned on my heel, about to walk back into the bathroom.
"One last thing. Your niece has been trying to contact you for the past two hours," came Grimhilde's voice, stopping me in my tracks.
"…And you thought it best to leave that for last why?" I asked with a sigh.
"Because of that look on your face," she replied quickly. Even from behind I could feel her smile radiating from the mirror. "Shall I put her on?"
"I suppose I shouldn't keep her waiting any longer," I answered, turning back to face the mirror. As the image wavered, I conjured an illusion of a towel around my waist. My niece has many times expressed her lack of appreciation for the art that is my body, and like any loving relative, I strove to accommodate her.
"Well, if it isn't my dear Cassandra," I said as the image refocused, showing a brown-haired woman in her early fifties clad in casual business wear. While closer to what the unobservant might view as plain, my niece was as lovely as ever, her strong features perfectly accentuating the lines of her face, revealing a woman who knew what the world was capable of, and was always ready to fight back. Judging by her folded arms and brown-eyed glare, the subject of her ire was me today. "How are you doing this exquisite morning?"
"Fine," she growled, her already husky voice practically subterranean. "Cedric, where are they?"
"Going to need you to be a trifle more specific," I said, looking over my nails.
"Oh for the love of…" Cassandra muttered before turning the full force of her glare at me. "Look, I get that they think it's fun to sneak over to your place, but it's a schoolday, so you really shouldn't be letting them sleep in this late."
I paused. "…Are you talking about your children?" I asked, a sick feeling rising up in my stomach
She rolled her eyes. "No, I'm talking about my cats; yes I mean my kids!" she snapped, oblivious to my face paling with shock, all of my attention on her. "I know they put you up to this, so stop playing dumb and-"
"They're not here," I said quietly, stopping her in her tracks.
"…Excuse me?" Cassandra asked.
"Your children are not here. They didn't visit last night," I replied, my teeth starting to grind. "I haven't seen them."
"…You…you're joking, right?" Cassandra asked, a note of desperation in her voice. "This is just…part of their game-"
"Cassandra!" I barked, startling her out of her tangent. "Even if I lied at all, I wouldn't lie about this. Wherever your children are, it is not. Here."
"But then…but then…" Cassandra said, her voice trailing off as her expression transformed from anger to horror.
"I'll be there in ten minutes," I said brusquely. "Hold it together until then." With a snap of my fingers, the mirror's face cleared.
"…I'm sorry. I had no idea," Grimhilde said contritely from within my mind.
"It wouldn't have crossed your mind," I said, banishing the towel and making quick strides toward the bathroom. Normally I liked to take my time with my cleansing, but things had changed. "This should not be happening."
"You're telling me," the spirit agreed. "Going after kids is one thing, but your family in particular? Do they not know who they're dealing with?"
"Doesn't make much of a difference," I answered, sparks of purple magic bursting from my clenched fists. "After all, whether they do or don't only changes one thing; how 'inventive' I get in dealing with them."
I was just trying to clean up; I'd been so engrossed in a project the night before that I ended up falling asleep in my workroom, and I needed to freshen my appearance before anyone could see me less than pristine. And there it was, a growling miasma of black magic frantically pressing against the glass in my bathroom mirror, tendrils staining the silver frame with putrescent traces of dark magic.
Now, the presence of a curse was annoying, but not quite surprising.. As the "master" of an Ars Goetia, exceptional magician, and generally perfect being, I've ruffled quite a few feathers in my time. Besides, I have no shame in admitting that I am a much easier target than my distinguished court. But my mirror, really? What did it do to deserve such a fate?
Grimacing, I tapped my finger against the glass, leaning in and peering at it with narrowed eyes. But it was of no use. The mirror was well and truly inundated with the spell; what's worse, it wouldn't even cast my reflection. It needed to be purified immediately, before the world could be deprived of any more of its art.
"Oh come now, Cedric," came Grimhilde's voice. In my mind's eye I could see the spirit clad in a dress that seemed to be made out of the evening sky, her blonde hair left to flow to her waist and her blue eyes alight with mischief. "It's just a mirror. No need to be so dramatic."
"You do realize the irony in that statement, yes?" I muttered, all the while examining the mirror. Now, what sort of spell would be best for the job…?
"Of course I do. I just don't care," she replied glibly, prompting a chuckle. "In all seriousness, would you like me to take care of it?"
"Perish the thought!" I said, raising my hands before the mirror. "What sort of ruler would allow his court to complete a task he himself can perform? Besides, I've just come up with a new pattern, and this seems like the perfect time to try it out."
"Fine, 'Your Highness'. But I reserve the right to laugh if this blows up in your face," she said.
"I would expect nothing less," I replied, smiling as my hands began to move through the air. With each twitch of my elegant fingers, a rune of purple light materialized, following the trails my hands moved until I was surrounded by the things. A few more deft movements wove them together into a completed diagram, one which rippled and flowed like cloth being blown by the wind.
"And now," I said, positioning my hands right behind the diagram, "to your work." A single pulse of magic brought the spell in contact with the mirror, the purple quickly turning black as the malignant magic was siphoned out. I took a step back and raised my hands; this was a new variation of one of my purification formulas, and I needed to be ready in case it collapsed. However, my fears were unfounded. In a matter of moments, the now completely blackened spell burst into an array of sparkles just as it was meant to, leaving behind an untouched mirror.
"Perfect," I said with a grin, which quickly turned into a grimace as I saw my reflection. "Mirror, mirror, on the wall," I sighed, "how much work will it take to be presentable?"
"If you were normal? None," Grimhilde said, to which I scoffed. "Honestly, your attitude gives your ancestor a run for her money."
"Better honest vanity than false modesty," I replied, slowly running my fingers over my face. Slight discolorations from sleeping on a desk faded back to a rose-toned white, bags disappearing from under blue eyes, shoulder-length hair regaining its ebony shine and luster. Once the basic work had been taken care of, then came the application of cosmetics, covering whatever minor imperfections the magic had failed to correct. Ten minutes later, I once again looked normal.
"There we are," I said, examining myself in the mirror with a contented smile. "A fine base is essential for proper artistic creation, is it not?"
"If you're quite finished preening, perhaps we could get on with our lives?" Grimhilde said, my mental image putting her hands on her hips.
"Philistine," I muttered as I straightened up, giving myself a final onceover before stepping into the bedroom. As always, the transfer from cold marble to plush carpeting brought a sense of relaxation, one which was only aided when I began shucking the puff-sleeved shirt and black trousers I'd been wearing since last night. With a flick of my fingers, a large mirror rose up from the carpet, allowing me to properly examine my lean form.
"So, what news is most important for me to know this morning?" I said, looking myself over from all the necessary angles. However, I was interrupted when Grimhilde's image appeared in the glass. "Quite unnecessary," I sighed, folding my arms at the grinning spirit.
"Just making sure I have your attention," she chuckled, ignoring my body with the practiced ease that only close friends can muster. "To begin with, Phenex report seeing signs of a Dullahan lurking near our territory."
"I suppose that explains the death curse," I groaned, putting a hand against my face. "If it comes by again, please tell her to teach it a lesson."
"Noted," Grimhilde said. "Next, Vepar would like you to arrange a proper summoning. It seems he has some new formulas he's interested in discussing."
"More aquatic spells are always a boon," I said, smiling. "I'll get on that today or tomorrow. Anything else or may I proceed with the rest of my morning rituals?" As I spoke I turned on my heel, about to walk back into the bathroom.
"One last thing. Your niece has been trying to contact you for the past two hours," came Grimhilde's voice, stopping me in my tracks.
"…And you thought it best to leave that for last why?" I asked with a sigh.
"Because of that look on your face," she replied quickly. Even from behind I could feel her smile radiating from the mirror. "Shall I put her on?"
"I suppose I shouldn't keep her waiting any longer," I answered, turning back to face the mirror. As the image wavered, I conjured an illusion of a towel around my waist. My niece has many times expressed her lack of appreciation for the art that is my body, and like any loving relative, I strove to accommodate her.
"Well, if it isn't my dear Cassandra," I said as the image refocused, showing a brown-haired woman in her early fifties clad in casual business wear. While closer to what the unobservant might view as plain, my niece was as lovely as ever, her strong features perfectly accentuating the lines of her face, revealing a woman who knew what the world was capable of, and was always ready to fight back. Judging by her folded arms and brown-eyed glare, the subject of her ire was me today. "How are you doing this exquisite morning?"
"Fine," she growled, her already husky voice practically subterranean. "Cedric, where are they?"
"Going to need you to be a trifle more specific," I said, looking over my nails.
"Oh for the love of…" Cassandra muttered before turning the full force of her glare at me. "Look, I get that they think it's fun to sneak over to your place, but it's a schoolday, so you really shouldn't be letting them sleep in this late."
I paused. "…Are you talking about your children?" I asked, a sick feeling rising up in my stomach
She rolled her eyes. "No, I'm talking about my cats; yes I mean my kids!" she snapped, oblivious to my face paling with shock, all of my attention on her. "I know they put you up to this, so stop playing dumb and-"
"They're not here," I said quietly, stopping her in her tracks.
"…Excuse me?" Cassandra asked.
"Your children are not here. They didn't visit last night," I replied, my teeth starting to grind. "I haven't seen them."
"…You…you're joking, right?" Cassandra asked, a note of desperation in her voice. "This is just…part of their game-"
"Cassandra!" I barked, startling her out of her tangent. "Even if I lied at all, I wouldn't lie about this. Wherever your children are, it is not. Here."
"But then…but then…" Cassandra said, her voice trailing off as her expression transformed from anger to horror.
"I'll be there in ten minutes," I said brusquely. "Hold it together until then." With a snap of my fingers, the mirror's face cleared.
"…I'm sorry. I had no idea," Grimhilde said contritely from within my mind.
"It wouldn't have crossed your mind," I said, banishing the towel and making quick strides toward the bathroom. Normally I liked to take my time with my cleansing, but things had changed. "This should not be happening."
"You're telling me," the spirit agreed. "Going after kids is one thing, but your family in particular? Do they not know who they're dealing with?"
"Doesn't make much of a difference," I answered, sparks of purple magic bursting from my clenched fists. "After all, whether they do or don't only changes one thing; how 'inventive' I get in dealing with them."
In retrospect, I should have known it would be a terrible day when I saw the death curse trapped in my bathroom mirror.
It was 6 in the morning. I had been so engrossed in a new project that I'd only gotten to sleep two hours ago. The curse was probably the prelude to some protracted magical combat session with some up-and-comer who lacked the good grace to send a proper challenge. And worst of all, I hadn't any time to clean up; the dark miasma in the mirror obscured all the details, but I was sure I looked downright hideous.
Now, honestly, the presence of the curse wasn't all that surprising. As current Novem of the Conclave Magicae, King of Artifice, and just generally perfect being, I've ruffled quite a few feathers in my time. Besides, I have no shame in admitting that I'm a much easier target than my distinguished colleagues. But my mirror, really? What did it do to deserve such a fate?
"Yeah, I know. It's not like you built this thing specifically to act as a shield or something," said Grimhilde drily, her voice echoing through my mind. "Isn't that why you put it in a guest bathroom?"
"Yes, but it's still belongs to me," I muttered, tapping my finger against the glass and leaning in with narrowed eyes. I stared at the twisted mass of black magic currently straining against the enchanted glass, tendrils reaching out to stain the silver frame. "It's my work of art, and I cannot stand to have it defiled in such a manner."
"Indeed," said Gerhard, his form manifesting next to me. The tall brown-haired man was wearing his typical butler's uniform, this time one made out of autumn leaves and lengthening shadows. Don't ask me how I knew they were specifically "lengthening"; an artist has to keep some secrets. "This…thing is throwing off the entire alignment of the bathroom. It must be removed posthaste," he continued, narrowing his bright green eyes.
"Ugh, do you really have to buy into this?" Grimhilde replied, her spiritual form manifesting on my other side, draped in a dress made of the evening sky. Her blonde hair was left to flow to her waist, and her blue eyes were sparking with annoyance. "We both know the only reason he cares is because he can't see his reflection anymore."
"It's not the only reason," I said, sighing. "Although it does make the issue much more pressing. Now then, if I may get to work…?"
Nodding, my two Familiars floated a few inches away, giving me room to move. I took a deep breath and raised my hands, slowly starting to flex my fingers as they were surrounded by a thin violet aura.
"Just so you know, if you mess this up, I reserve the right to laugh at you," Grimhilde said, flashing me a grin.
"I would expect nothing less," I replied, smiling as my hands began to move through the air. With each twitch of my elegant fingers, a rune of purple light materialized, following the trails my hands moved until I was surrounded by the things. A few more deft movements wove them together into a completed diagram, one which rippled and flowed like cloth being blown by the wind.
"And now," I said, positioning my hands right behind the diagram, "to your work." A single pulse of magic brought the spell in contact with the mirror, the purple quickly turning black as the malignant magic was siphoned out. I took a step back and raised my hands; this was a new spell, combining my latest purification and containment formulas, and I needed to be ready in case it collapsed. However, my fears were unfounded. In a matter of moments, the now blackened array compressed itself into a tight orb of twisted magic, leaving the mirror perfectly clear. As Gerhard conjured a glass box to store the spell and floated out of the room, I looked at my reflection and groaned. It was even worse than I thought.
"Mirror, mirror, on the wall," I sighed, "how much work will it take to be presentable?"
"If you were normal? None," Grimhilde said, to which I scoffed. "Honestly, your attitude gives your ancestor a run for her money."
"Better honest vanity than false modesty," I replied, slowly running my fingers over my face. Slight discolorations from sleeping on a desk faded back to a rose-toned white, bags disappearing from under blue eyes, shoulder-length hair regaining its ebony shine and luster. Once the basic work had been taken care of, then came the application of cosmetics, covering whatever minor imperfections the magic had failed to correct. Ten minutes later, I once again looked normal.
"There we are," I said, examining myself in the mirror with a contented smile. "A fine base is essential for proper artistic creation, is it not?"
"Indeed, Master," replied Gerhard as he floated back in, opening the door behind him with a quick glance. "One cannot create beauty from nothing."
"If you're done stroking each other's ego," Grimhilde muttered, "I have more important things to be listening to. Like wind blowing." With that, her manifested image vanished.
"Philistine," I scoffed as I straightened up, giving myself a final onceover before walking out into the clean marble hallway. Looking around, I smiled to see the rosewood door to my bedroom directly in front of me. With a nod to Gerhard, who smiled and bowed before likewise fading, I opened the door and walked in. As always, the transfer from cold marble to plush carpeting brought a sense of relaxation, one which was only aided when I shucked off my nightgown. As I felt the building rumble around me, Gerhard returning the rooms to their proper places, I called forth a large mirror with a snap of my fingers, enabling me to properly finish my examination.
"So Grimhilde, would you happen to know who might have sent that curse?" I asked, looking my lean form over from all the necessary angles. When there was no response, I turned away for a moment, only to groan when I heard giggling. Looking back, I was unsurprised to see Grimhilde standing where my reflection should be. Quite unnecessary," I sighed, folding my arms at the grinning spirit.
"Just making sure I have your attention," she chuckled, ignoring my body with the practiced ease that only family can muster. "And unfortunately no. The 'flavor' of the spell doesn't match anyone you've encountered recently, and the spell was guided by your name rather than anything physical."
"Well, I suppose that's the hazard which comes with fame," I said as Grimhilde rolled her eyes. "Still, to send the spell out with just that takes quite a bit of power. Anything else you were able to glean from it?"
"Whoever cast this thing is pretty sick," she said with a grimace. "It's basic sympathetic magic stuff until you get to the second layer. Then you start hitting the personal touches."
"Dare I ask what those are?" I asked resignedly.
"Your bones tearing their way out of your skin, followed by your organs dissolving one by one, all while the spell keeps you alive to feel it." Grimhilde's grimace had transformed into a mask of utter disgust and hatred.
"Absolutely wonderful," I sighed, pressing my head in my hands. "We're dealing with a psychotic upper-level mage. That's always pleasant."
"Sir, would you like me to contact Ms. Aberford?" came Gerhard's voice, soon followed by the spirit himself.
"And wake her up earl?" I asked with a chuckle. "Not worth the argument. Leave her a non-urgent meeting request. I'd like to take care of this sooner rather than later."
"Absolutely," Gerhard replied, a grin on his face as he faded from view. Suddenly, I felt a pair of feather-light arms wrap around my shoulders.
"I wish we could just get it over with," Grimhilde muttered against my back. "One three-fold return and they'll need a mop to put this freak back together."
"Yes, but we are above that," I said, patting my Familiar's hand. "To sully ourselves over a single deranged magician is to sully the honor of the Conclave Magicae itself. And they, quite simply, are not worth it."
"I know, but still-" Grimhilde began, before suddenly stiffening.
"What's wrong?" I asked as I felt her manifestation disappear, turning back to face the mirror.
"Your niece is calling you," she replied, her image once more within the glass and her expression one of confusion. "It's Cassandra," she continued before I could even ask for clarification.
"At this hour?" I muttered, quickly conjuring the illusion of a towel around my waist. My niece has many times expressed her lack of appreciation for the art that is my body, and like any loving relative, I strove to accommodate her. "Please put her through."
Grimhilde nodded, then vanished as the image in the mirror began to distort, colors flowing across the glass like paint. As it did, I began experimenting, trying to find the best pose to greet my dear relative with. However, those plans were interrupted when the image cleared, showing a brown-haired woman in her early fifties clad in normal sleep wear. While closer to what the unobservant might view as plain, my niece was as lovely as ever, her strong features perfectly accentuating the lines of her face, revealing a woman who knew what the world was capable of, and was always ready to fight back. Now, though, she looked absolutely terrified.
"Cassandra?" I asked, shocked out of my posture. I hadn't seen her that scared since she was a child. "What's wrong?"
"Sorry, I didn't know if you would be up, but you're the first person I could think of to call and-" Cassandra said, her husky voice frantic the words gushing out of her in a torrent.
"Cassandra," I interrupted, "just breathe."
Nodding, Cassandra closed her eyes and took several deep breaths. By the time she was done, her eyes had regained some of their fire.
"Thanks for that," she said quietly. "Guess even Uncle Peacock has some practical advice once in a while."
I sighed at the old nickname, but a smile crept onto my face. If she was calm enough to put me down, she was calm enough to give me details. "Now then, what exactly has brought you to my mirror looking so distraught?" I said, slowly settling back into my pose.
"It's the kids."
I stopped dead. "…What?"
"The kids. There's something wrong with the kids," she said, her voice devoid of anything resembling emotion.
"…I'll be there in ten minutes," I said, straightening up and snapping my fingers. The mirror cleared instantly. Turning on my heel, I banished the illusion and headed straight for the bathroom, where I heard the shower start to run. "Gerhard," I said as I passed his manifestation, "elevate the urgency of that request, please."
"At once, Sir," Gerhard said, his usually calm voice shaky as he faded from view.
"…Are they crazy?" Grimhilde asked, her voice once more slowly in my mind. "Going after kids? Your family? Do they have a death wish?"
"Doesn't make much of a difference," I answered, sparks of purple magic bursting from my clenched fists. "After all, whether they do or don't doesn't matter. I'll grant it either way."
It was 6 in the morning. I had been so engrossed in a new project that I'd only gotten to sleep two hours ago. The curse was probably the prelude to some protracted magical combat session with some up-and-comer who lacked the good grace to send a proper challenge. And worst of all, I hadn't any time to clean up; the dark miasma in the mirror obscured all the details, but I was sure I looked downright hideous.
Now, honestly, the presence of the curse wasn't all that surprising. As current Novem of the Conclave Magicae, King of Artifice, and just generally perfect being, I've ruffled quite a few feathers in my time. Besides, I have no shame in admitting that I'm a much easier target than my distinguished colleagues. But my mirror, really? What did it do to deserve such a fate?
"Yeah, I know. It's not like you built this thing specifically to act as a shield or something," said Grimhilde drily, her voice echoing through my mind. "Isn't that why you put it in a guest bathroom?"
"Yes, but it's still belongs to me," I muttered, tapping my finger against the glass and leaning in with narrowed eyes. I stared at the twisted mass of black magic currently straining against the enchanted glass, tendrils reaching out to stain the silver frame. "It's my work of art, and I cannot stand to have it defiled in such a manner."
"Indeed," said Gerhard, his form manifesting next to me. The tall brown-haired man was wearing his typical butler's uniform, this time one made out of autumn leaves and lengthening shadows. Don't ask me how I knew they were specifically "lengthening"; an artist has to keep some secrets. "This…thing is throwing off the entire alignment of the bathroom. It must be removed posthaste," he continued, narrowing his bright green eyes.
"Ugh, do you really have to buy into this?" Grimhilde replied, her spiritual form manifesting on my other side, draped in a dress made of the evening sky. Her blonde hair was left to flow to her waist, and her blue eyes were sparking with annoyance. "We both know the only reason he cares is because he can't see his reflection anymore."
"It's not the only reason," I said, sighing. "Although it does make the issue much more pressing. Now then, if I may get to work…?"
Nodding, my two Familiars floated a few inches away, giving me room to move. I took a deep breath and raised my hands, slowly starting to flex my fingers as they were surrounded by a thin violet aura.
"Just so you know, if you mess this up, I reserve the right to laugh at you," Grimhilde said, flashing me a grin.
"I would expect nothing less," I replied, smiling as my hands began to move through the air. With each twitch of my elegant fingers, a rune of purple light materialized, following the trails my hands moved until I was surrounded by the things. A few more deft movements wove them together into a completed diagram, one which rippled and flowed like cloth being blown by the wind.
"And now," I said, positioning my hands right behind the diagram, "to your work." A single pulse of magic brought the spell in contact with the mirror, the purple quickly turning black as the malignant magic was siphoned out. I took a step back and raised my hands; this was a new spell, combining my latest purification and containment formulas, and I needed to be ready in case it collapsed. However, my fears were unfounded. In a matter of moments, the now blackened array compressed itself into a tight orb of twisted magic, leaving the mirror perfectly clear. As Gerhard conjured a glass box to store the spell and floated out of the room, I looked at my reflection and groaned. It was even worse than I thought.
"Mirror, mirror, on the wall," I sighed, "how much work will it take to be presentable?"
"If you were normal? None," Grimhilde said, to which I scoffed. "Honestly, your attitude gives your ancestor a run for her money."
"Better honest vanity than false modesty," I replied, slowly running my fingers over my face. Slight discolorations from sleeping on a desk faded back to a rose-toned white, bags disappearing from under blue eyes, shoulder-length hair regaining its ebony shine and luster. Once the basic work had been taken care of, then came the application of cosmetics, covering whatever minor imperfections the magic had failed to correct. Ten minutes later, I once again looked normal.
"There we are," I said, examining myself in the mirror with a contented smile. "A fine base is essential for proper artistic creation, is it not?"
"Indeed, Master," replied Gerhard as he floated back in, opening the door behind him with a quick glance. "One cannot create beauty from nothing."
"If you're done stroking each other's ego," Grimhilde muttered, "I have more important things to be listening to. Like wind blowing." With that, her manifested image vanished.
"Philistine," I scoffed as I straightened up, giving myself a final onceover before walking out into the clean marble hallway. Looking around, I smiled to see the rosewood door to my bedroom directly in front of me. With a nod to Gerhard, who smiled and bowed before likewise fading, I opened the door and walked in. As always, the transfer from cold marble to plush carpeting brought a sense of relaxation, one which was only aided when I shucked off my nightgown. As I felt the building rumble around me, Gerhard returning the rooms to their proper places, I called forth a large mirror with a snap of my fingers, enabling me to properly finish my examination.
"So Grimhilde, would you happen to know who might have sent that curse?" I asked, looking my lean form over from all the necessary angles. When there was no response, I turned away for a moment, only to groan when I heard giggling. Looking back, I was unsurprised to see Grimhilde standing where my reflection should be. Quite unnecessary," I sighed, folding my arms at the grinning spirit.
"Just making sure I have your attention," she chuckled, ignoring my body with the practiced ease that only family can muster. "And unfortunately no. The 'flavor' of the spell doesn't match anyone you've encountered recently, and the spell was guided by your name rather than anything physical."
"Well, I suppose that's the hazard which comes with fame," I said as Grimhilde rolled her eyes. "Still, to send the spell out with just that takes quite a bit of power. Anything else you were able to glean from it?"
"Whoever cast this thing is pretty sick," she said with a grimace. "It's basic sympathetic magic stuff until you get to the second layer. Then you start hitting the personal touches."
"Dare I ask what those are?" I asked resignedly.
"Your bones tearing their way out of your skin, followed by your organs dissolving one by one, all while the spell keeps you alive to feel it." Grimhilde's grimace had transformed into a mask of utter disgust and hatred.
"Absolutely wonderful," I sighed, pressing my head in my hands. "We're dealing with a psychotic upper-level mage. That's always pleasant."
"Sir, would you like me to contact Ms. Aberford?" came Gerhard's voice, soon followed by the spirit himself.
"And wake her up earl?" I asked with a chuckle. "Not worth the argument. Leave her a non-urgent meeting request. I'd like to take care of this sooner rather than later."
"Absolutely," Gerhard replied, a grin on his face as he faded from view. Suddenly, I felt a pair of feather-light arms wrap around my shoulders.
"I wish we could just get it over with," Grimhilde muttered against my back. "One three-fold return and they'll need a mop to put this freak back together."
"Yes, but we are above that," I said, patting my Familiar's hand. "To sully ourselves over a single deranged magician is to sully the honor of the Conclave Magicae itself. And they, quite simply, are not worth it."
"I know, but still-" Grimhilde began, before suddenly stiffening.
"What's wrong?" I asked as I felt her manifestation disappear, turning back to face the mirror.
"Your niece is calling you," she replied, her image once more within the glass and her expression one of confusion. "It's Cassandra," she continued before I could even ask for clarification.
"At this hour?" I muttered, quickly conjuring the illusion of a towel around my waist. My niece has many times expressed her lack of appreciation for the art that is my body, and like any loving relative, I strove to accommodate her. "Please put her through."
Grimhilde nodded, then vanished as the image in the mirror began to distort, colors flowing across the glass like paint. As it did, I began experimenting, trying to find the best pose to greet my dear relative with. However, those plans were interrupted when the image cleared, showing a brown-haired woman in her early fifties clad in normal sleep wear. While closer to what the unobservant might view as plain, my niece was as lovely as ever, her strong features perfectly accentuating the lines of her face, revealing a woman who knew what the world was capable of, and was always ready to fight back. Now, though, she looked absolutely terrified.
"Cassandra?" I asked, shocked out of my posture. I hadn't seen her that scared since she was a child. "What's wrong?"
"Sorry, I didn't know if you would be up, but you're the first person I could think of to call and-" Cassandra said, her husky voice frantic the words gushing out of her in a torrent.
"Cassandra," I interrupted, "just breathe."
Nodding, Cassandra closed her eyes and took several deep breaths. By the time she was done, her eyes had regained some of their fire.
"Thanks for that," she said quietly. "Guess even Uncle Peacock has some practical advice once in a while."
I sighed at the old nickname, but a smile crept onto my face. If she was calm enough to put me down, she was calm enough to give me details. "Now then, what exactly has brought you to my mirror looking so distraught?" I said, slowly settling back into my pose.
"It's the kids."
I stopped dead. "…What?"
"The kids. There's something wrong with the kids," she said, her voice devoid of anything resembling emotion.
"…I'll be there in ten minutes," I said, straightening up and snapping my fingers. The mirror cleared instantly. Turning on my heel, I banished the illusion and headed straight for the bathroom, where I heard the shower start to run. "Gerhard," I said as I passed his manifestation, "elevate the urgency of that request, please."
"At once, Sir," Gerhard said, his usually calm voice shaky as he faded from view.
"…Are they crazy?" Grimhilde asked, her voice once more slowly in my mind. "Going after kids? Your family? Do they have a death wish?"
"Doesn't make much of a difference," I answered, sparks of purple magic bursting from my clenched fists. "After all, whether they do or don't doesn't matter. I'll grant it either way."
subsider34
Forum Lurker Extraordinaire
- Location
- Houston, TX
- Pronouns
- He/Him
The third iteration is fantastic. It combined the best parts of of version one with the direction of version two. There's only one thing I'd change: the single typo I found.
Other than that, you gave Cedric back his name, the familiars are more than just secretaries, and we have extensive character development all around. This is all very, very good. I'm impressed you managed to make such a significant improvement in just the time between your last posts. I can honestly say this is as good as the first version if not better.
Other than that, you gave Cedric back his name, the familiars are more than just secretaries, and we have extensive character development all around. This is all very, very good. I'm impressed you managed to make such a significant improvement in just the time between your last posts. I can honestly say this is as good as the first version if not better.
- Location
- United States
Thank you so much! And again, thank you for your critiques earlier, since they're what prompted the rewrites. Glad you enjoyed, and I hope you continue to do so!