Pancakes and Penguins

[Alex]

Okay! So as anyone who shares the discord with me knows this was a long time coming. What started as writing practice spiraled into this and I am happy with how it came out! Shout outs to all those on the discord who put up with me talking about this and even gave me much needed support @Doctor Squared @DocMatoi @Susano @Zeratoth @Strypgia @Turingdecible and @jcmoorehead . Thank you @Susano @Strypgia and @jcmoorehead for help with minor story corrections and always thank you @Turing Decidable for turning my mess into a readable story.

Pancakes and Penguins​

Shinji Ikari stirred as the first rays of sunlight drifted in through the open window above him. He rose bit by bit, his eyelids flickering. Shinji sat up, awoken by the sound of music and the smell of frying grease from down the hall. Instinctively, Shinji looked around the room, seeing an empty space on one side of him that Asuka had occupied while on the other Kaworu still dozed undisturbed.

Shinji suppressed a laugh as he saw that his boyfriend had once again tangled himself in the sheets in his sleep, tying himself into a mess of knots. After placing a soft kiss on the idiot's forehead, Shinji got out of bed and stretched, careful as not to wake his gray-haired companion. He looked around their shared room. It was modestly furnished: A few dressers and bookshelves covered the walls while a poster of the German countryside hung on the closet door. It wasn't much but after all, they had gone through, the three decided privacy was preferable to luxury.

Slowly, Shinji made his way to the kitchen, careful not to make any undue noise. Shinji liked to catch the redhead by surprise when he could. It saddened him, but even around him and Kaworu she almost never let her guard down completely. Shinji suspected no matter how much time would pass that in some ways she would forever stay the warrior he had met some years ago. Fierce and cautious of any danger. Which was why he treasured moments like this: Seeing Asuka comfortable and at ease, happily spooning dollops of pancake batter onto the sizzling pan and humming along to some airy pop song on the radio in nothing but an oversized shirt.

"I know you're there, Third," Asuka said matter-of-factly, not bothering to turn around. "Thought you would come and sneak a peek?" There was a playful sternness to her voice. Even years later, Asuka still liked to tease the boy.

Shinji blushed and sighed. "Am I really that obvious?"

Asuka turned around briefly and smirked. "You're about as subtle as an N2 mine." Asuka paused to awkwardly flip a pancake and gestured towards her efforts, clearly proud of herself. "Pretty good, huh?"

Shinji looked at her work. Beside her on a plate was a towering stack of pancakes. Those at the bottom were a bit blackened and misshapen but, as Shinji gaze climbed the stack, he saw how they quickly became perfect golden brown discs. Shinji was impressed. "You normally let me do all the cooking. I didn't know you knew how to make these."

Asuka snorted and pointed her spatula at her boyfriend's chest pointedly. "I am the great Asuka Langley Soryu! I will have you know that there is nothing beyond my reach once I apply myself. And besides"—she waved dismissively—"it's just breakfast, not musical theory."

Shinji sighed. That had been a trying experience. Feeling left out of the loop whenever he and Kaworu brought out their instruments, Asuka had insisted on participating in one of his and Kaworu's musical sessions only to discover that, while a brilliant and skilled pilot, Asuka could not hold a tune in a bucket. Eventually, after several failed attempts, Asuka learned to content herself with listening while the two of them played, occasionally commenting in her usual snide way from the sidelines.

Asuka returned her attention to the pan, gently placing several strips of pink bacon away from the pancake in the center, smiling as they began to sizzle happily. "How is Angel Boy?"

Shinji chuckled. "Still sound asleep. He managed to bind himself up in the sheets again."

"Only that idiot could manage to sleep wrong." Asuka laughed, shifting the meat to a cooler area of the pan before applying more.

A smile crept on the corners of Shinji's lips. Leaning in, he playfully whispered in her ear. "I don't hear you complain when you use him as a hot water bottle."

Asuka went as scarlet as her hair. "I just sleep better with someone beside me. It could be anyone at all. Why do you think I let you in with me?" There was no sting in her words however as the brown-haired boy just laughed. "I should wake him up, though. We have a lot to do today and we both know he could sleep through Fourth Impact." Asuka turned to Shinji and motioned towards the pan. "Would you mind looking after this for a minute?"

"Of course not," Shinji said, taking the pan from her. "Untangle him for me, would you?"

Shinji poked the bacon with the spatula and sighed. It was times like this he thought about how much it took to get here.

*​

The first thing Shinji felt was pain, overwhelming pain. Then the burning feeling of water filling his lungs and his chest as he instinctively gasped for air. Some part of him knew he was underwater and sinking. Desperately, he flailed, pushing himself up and forward, trying to claw his way to the air above. Relief passed through his mind as he felt the sand beneath him, crunching between his toes. Like a madman, Shinji pulled and heaved himself up inch by inch above the water and onto the beach. Hacking and sputtering, Shinji expelled the water from his stomach and lungs onto the sandy shore. Joy filled him as he could finally breathe. Though short and ragged, each breath felt like salvation. His strength giving out, Shinji collapsed onto the sand, water still lapping at his feet. His whole body hurt, his muscles ached, and his head throbbed painfully. Shinji tried to slow his breathing and crawled a bit farther until he was lying on the hot dry sand. Fading in and out from exhaustion and pain, Shinji heard a voice.

"Shinji?" It was weak, barely audible above the distant waves, but there.
"Kaworu?" Shinji asked as he looked up to see the figure of the boy he had killed.

*​

​

Shinji paced in the locker room, his head hanging low. He had long since gotten dried off and changed from his plug suit for the sync test but was paralyzed by the conflict in his thoughts. I can't keep avoiding her, Shinji thought, she needs me to be there for her to support her. Still, the thought of visiting Asuka in the hospital was not appealing. The last time that Shinji had tried to reach out, she had just lain there unresponsive. After all the two had been through, it made Shinji feel so useless and awful to see her like that. Asuka wasn't always nice to him, but she was his fellow pilot and, Shinji liked to think, his friend. Seeing her lying there lifeless after living with her was... almost too much.

The sound of the door to the showers opened, snapping Shinji out of his thoughts of Asuka. Standing before him, smiling and in nothing but a towel, was Asuka's replacement: Kaworu Nagisa. The boy's friendly and open nature confused Shinji; his attention was unexpected, but not unwelcome.

"You're still here," Kaworu said, smiling. "Did you wait for me, Shinji?" Kaworu asked in his usual pleasant tone.

"Oh sorry, just dragging my feet a bit. There is something that I think I should do but I'm not sure... I don't know if I can." Shinji was unsure of why he was telling the boy this. Perhaps his open nature just made him easy to speak to.

"What is the issue? I am sure whatever it is, it can be solved," Kaworu said as he began to dry himself off with the towel.

Shinji turned red and looked away, focusing his attention on a locker on the far side of the room, attempting to drive out the images that seemed content to linger in his mind. Kaworu was exceedingly open about some things, to a degree that Shinji found embarrassing. Returning to Asuka to try and focus, Shinji decided to ask Kaworu for help. "I... I am not sure what to do about Asuka," Shinji said nervously.

"The Second Child? I was informed of her condition in my briefing with the Major. She said that the two of you were close. You are worried about her, aren't you?"

Shinji sat on the bench and started to tell Kaworu about Asuka, about how he was worried and afraid for her. The more he told him, the easier it got and Shinji quickly found himself reciting all he knew. He told him about how they'd met and had been forced to fight an Angel in the ocean. How, to defeat another angel they practiced for a week, dancing and synching to that stupid song and how jubilant they were when they came together and succeeded. He told him about the kiss that had left him so twisted and confused, and about that night she had, half asleep, crawled into bed with him, her soft breath on his skin. When he was done, he looked over at Kaworu, embarrassed, who simply smiled like he always did.

"You have a big heart, Shinji." Kaworu said, "but you should not use your fear of pain as an excuse not to live, or else you will regret not trying."

Shinji thought for a moment. Kaworu was right. Even if Asuka didn't respond, it was still worth it to try—for her sake, at least. After all he had lost, he needed to try.

Kaworu headed for the door. "I am sure that she will appreciate our visit."

Shinji blinked in surprise. "You want to come as well?"

Kaworu nodded. "The Second..." He paused for a moment, thinking. "Asuka seems like an interesting soul. I would like very much to meet her."

*​

Asuka looked at the sleeping boy currently caught up in impromptu sheet bondage and smiled. Slowly, she undid the mess, one tendril at a time. It had taken a long time to get used to him the way she did Shinji; they lacked the shared experience fighting together that she and Shinji had had. That aside, she found his naivete and his airy nature frankly off putting at times. And yet, over time the bond between them grew. While Shinji was often a bundle of nerves and anxiety, Asuka learned to enjoy the peaceful aura Kaworu seemed to emanate. Over time, they learned they had a great deal in common. Growing up in SEELE's controlled isolation was much like her childhood training to be a pilot: Both starved for attention, cut off from the world, manipulated by those who would only use them. And there was another thing, something they almost never spoke of in the light of day: They had both died and been reborn, snatched from the jaws of oblivion and given another chance. And while Shinji was never anything but loving and supportive, Asuka found that in some ways one could not understand it unless one had experienced it, leaving her and Kaworu unique in the world.

Kaworu stirred wincing as he entered the waking world, his face sour as he blinked in the low light. Asuka sat on the edge of the bed and laid a hand on the boy's knee. "You had the dream again, didn't you?" There was a deep concern in her voice.

Kaworu sat up, wiping the grit from his eyes and nodded "I was back in Terminal Dogma, but I was in Shinji's hands, not Unit One's. I—" He trailed off and stared into his lap.

Asuka pulled him into a tight hug, running her hand up and down the small of his back. This was nothing new to them. For both Asuka and Kaworu, the scars of their deaths ran deep, bubbling to the surface in dreams and nightmares. And while these visions often had a great number of variations, they always ended the same. Asuka sighed as Kaworu sobbed into her shoulder. She could be there for him like this and he could be there for her, because while both of them loved Shinji, they could not explain these feelings to him without making him feel guilty and depressed, something that helped no one.

After a moment, Asuka spoke gently into Kaworu's ear. "I made us some breakfast." She paused. "Well, Shinji is currently finishing it but I started it so it's mine, no matter what the idiot says." Asuka pouted smugly. "Even if some of his pancakes are better. Understand?"

That made the boy perk up. "I am sure whatever you made will be delicious," he said smiling.

Asuka looked him in the eyes and asked, "Even if they are a bit burnt?"

Kaworu paused and rubbed his chin. "I suppose then it will just be a different kind of delicious."

Asuka laughed and lightly punched his arm. "You really are unbelievable. I guess flattery does get you anywhere." She got up and stretched before holding out a hand for the boy. "Come on, then. Don't want to keep the Third waiting."

*​

Asuka forced herself to keep walking. Over and over, she put one foot in front of the other, the soft sand crunching under her feet as the crimson rays of the sunset blanketed everything in a warm red light. Her body was sore and her head was spinning but she told herself she had to keep moving. She didn't know why she was here. The last thing she remembered was fighting those horrible winged monsters, the joy of her victory snatched from her as one by one they rose from defeat bearing their foul wicked grins. Asuka remembered them rising into the air, circling her like vultures before they... Asuka shuddered. She should be dead. Ripped apart by those beasts. And yet, here she was, walking along what felt like an endless beach having recently woken up, washed ashore clad in a ripped plug suit. Her mind was racing. A hundred thoughts screamed for dominance, but their root was the same: How?

Off in the distance, she spotted something that brought her out of her contemplation. Two bodies lay on the sand ahead of her. Both appeared to be male, one with dark brown hair and the other with a mop of grey. Asuka quickened her pace as her heart sped its march in her chest. Is it really them? Asuka's suspicions were confirmed as she reached the two. Shinji was hugging his knees, watching the waves, while Kaworu simply stared into space. She further picked up her pace until she was clearly within their view, at which point the two began to walk towards her.

As she got close, Shinji spoke up with tears in his eyes. "Asuka... you're alive! How did you?" She walked right past him to his companion, not giving Shinji a word. I'll get to you second. First, Angel Boy.

Kaworu too looked relieved. "It is very good to see you again, Asuka. I did not think—" The gray haired boy was interrupted by Asuka's fist meeting his jaw. With a meaty smack, the boy was sent sprawling into the surf.

"Welcome back to the world of the living, asshole!" Asuka spat, moving in on her target.

Upon seeing the display, Shinji immediately rushed in, trying to get between them. Asuka in turn simply pushed him aside and moved in towards the grey-haired boy, mentally drowning out Shinji's protests. Asuka was tired, her muscles ached, her lungs burned, and it took noticeable effort to stay upright, but she was still a soldier. Still trained from childhood to fight and kill and even given the circumstances she was dangerous. Trembling, Asuka put her hands around the boy's pale throat.

I could kill him! she thought as she straddled the red eyed boy. She could snap his neck in one quick jerk even if Shinji tried to stop her. Curiously, he made no attempt to throw her off, indeed no attempt to protect himself whatsoever, instead just staring up into her eyes.

"I am sorry." The boy under her said. There was a deep welling sadness in his voice, a despair which disarmed Asuka. "If you wish to kill me, I will not stop you."

"Why?" she asked, her throat now hoarse. It was an accusation as well as a question, a plea for understanding to him, but also to herself.

"I could not change my nature, no matter how much I wanted to." A trembling hand reached up and softly brushed the hair from her cheek. "Even for the two of you."

Asuka let go of the boy's throat and punched the sand beside his head, sending loose particles flying up in all directions, staining her face and hair. "Then how did you come back!?" she asked as she started to shiver. The sound of those horrible birds playing in her mind. "How did any of us come back?!"

"Rei." Kaworu and Asuka turned to Shinji who had just spoken. "It was Rei."

*​

As the Seventeenth Angel walked along behind Shinji Ikari into the stark hospital, his mind swam with questions. Kaworu was not sure what he was doing here. Obviously, he had wanted to follow Shinji. The boy seemed to hold some strange allure for him. But in this place, specifically? He could have easily have told Shinji to stay away and yet, hearing the boy tell stories about his friend had made him feel something. Sympathy? Well, yes, he was sympathetic. He was sympathetic to all lilim, that was why he was going to free them from their pain and usher in a world without walls or borders. Curiosity? He admitted that the girl did seem interesting. Much in the same way Shinji did, an archetypal example of humanity, albeit from a different angle. While Shinji desired love but hid inside himself, from Shinji's description it sounded like this Asuka girl drove away any who got too close, to avoid the pain of real intimacy. Still, she was only a lilim, one of many soon to be gone. And besides, who would benefit more from Instrumentality than her? One too afraid to reach out normally? Then what was this feeling twisting inside him? Jealousy? Certainly not, he wanted Shinji to be happy and fulfilled. And while he wanted to be an instrument of that happiness, he held no grudge or desire for him to be the only one. Regret? Perhaps. He had felt a similar feeling on his flight into Tokyo-3, where he observed the damage and the scars the battles with his brothers had caused. But this was more personal, somehow. It was easy to view all of this as necessary, all of Kihl's plans and machinations, all the killing and pain when it had been abstract, not a scared girl in a hospital bed.

The two arrived at the room and were shown in. It was stark. A pale milky white color covered the floor and the walls, while on the opposite side glazed windows filtered the oppressive afternoon light. In the center on a bed with a large metal frame lay the Second Child, around which a dozen gently beeping machines and tubes loomed. She did not respond to the two's presence.

"Asuka..." Shinji started nervously. "We brought you some flowers. I thought maybe you would like that." Shinji moved closer and put them on one of the several small tables beside the bed.

Arael, Kaworu thought as he took in the girl's state, this is your work. Even after death, his presence lingered, covering Asuka like a shade. What afflicted her was more than physical, more than mental. On a level deeper than any lilim could see, she was poisoned. Her A. T. Field was thick and hard, but brittle. Kaworu suspected it would not take much to push her into nothingness. The Angel listened to Shinji speak to the girl, quietly updating her on all the things that had happened at school and NERV in her absence. When she did not respond, Kaworu saw as Shinji held back tears. It broke Kaworu's heart to see him like this, as did seeing a casualty of this war. Maybe there was something he could do... Kihl had forbidden him from doing anything that might reveal his nature until the end, but surely there could be no harm in this if he was subtle. Slowly and with great care, he extended his A. T. Field, probing the edges of the girl's psyche. Hmm, perhaps if combined with emotional stimulation?

"Shinji," Kaworu spoke up, interrupting Shinji's report, "do you still have that song on your music player? The one you said that you and Asuka practiced to?"

Shinji's face lit up. "Oh, of course! Misato made us listen to it on a loop when we weren't dancing. I must have heard it a thousand times." Shinji chuckled as a warmth returned to him. When he realized Kaworu's intent, he asked, "You think she would like that?"

"That song is a strong connection you two share. Perhaps she will respond to that," Kaworu replied. And perhaps I can help. Kaworu hated lying to the boy, but there was no way that it would end well. They were to be as two ships in the night, so close and yet destined for different things.

Shinji fished the device from his pocket before finding the song. Smiling to himself, he approached Asuka on the bed.

"Be careful to turn the volume down. We don't want to shock her," Kaworu said gently.

Shinji put the earbuds near her head and pressed the start button, swaying subconsciously to the music. Even now Misato's training was still ingrained.

Well, now or never. With great care, Kaworu softly radiated anti A. T. rays towards Asuka's form. Not enough to erase her sense of self or to affect her form, but hopefully enough to wash away Arael's influence and to give her a fighting chance. If she wanted to, that is. It was ultimately Asuka's choice whether to return.

For a moment, it seemed that she was too far gone. But after what seemed like an eternity, something in Asuka stirred, first in the tips of her fingers and then in the ends of her toes, small twitches that corresponded with the music. Next, her head, which began to gently nod in time, and finally, when the song finished, she opened her eyes.

"Asuka?" Shinji asked as if not believing it, tears gathering in his eyes as the girl sat up in her bed.

With a trembling hand, Asuka reached out and brushed Shinji's cheek as if to see for herself if this was a dream. "Shinji?" she asked weakly.

Shinji clutched her hand and sobbed. Not even in the deepest corner of his heart had he dared to hope for this. "I'm here, Asuka, I'm here."

"I feel sick," the girl rasped. "I have been asleep for too long."

Kaworu moved forward, revealing himself to the girl. "Welcome back to the world of the living." Smiling as he always did, he said, "Shinji has told me so much about you."

Asuka looked at the odd boy inquisitively. "Who are you?"

Kaworu smiled, took her other hand and shook it gently. "My name is Kaworu Nagisa. I am very pleased to meet you." I am your savior, and then he thought with a heavy heart, but I will also be your doom.

*​

The three sat at the table and ate happily. Kaworu had taken possession of all pancakes of dubious quality, and munched on them contentedly, aided by a liberal dollop of raspberry jam. He looked at his two loves, who were currently engaged in their usual banter. It had taken Kaworu some time to get used to that, but by now he could see it for what it was: Love. Currently, they were discussing Shinji's rather territorial treatment of his kitchen.

"I don't think I am unreasonable, Asuka, you guys just don't clean up after yourselves,"Shinji explained, slightly embarrassed.

"It's not just that. You get practically apprehensive when I use anything more complicated than the microwave," Asuka said as she chewed on a piece of bacon.

"It's true," Kaworu spoke up, smiling, "when I used the blender the other day for a smoothie, you almost leaped out of your skin."

"I just..." Shinji was staring at his pancakes now, idly jabbing one with his fork. "I like to feel useful, you know? You guys are so good to me I just..." He searched for the words. "I like to make you happy too."

Asuka sighed and smiled. "You make us happy just being here, idiot." Kaworu heard no malice in her voice, however, just care. "We're not going to run off if you stop feeding us. We're not strays." She looked over at Kaworu and gave a sly smile. "Well, I'm not a stray anyway."

Kaworu looked Shinji in the eyes. "Asuka is right, we are not leaving. Though I must admit I like to watch you cook. You always seem to enjoy yourself. And you are very good at it." Awkwardly, he turned to Asuka. "Not that you are not also good, just maybe good in a different—"

Asuka waved a hand, cutting him off. "Anyway..." she cleared the air, grabbing Shinji's attention. "I have a surprise for us all."

That seemed to snap Shinji out of his moping, returning him to his previous snarky state. "Oh, I should have guessed."

Asuka returned the favor. "What is that supposed to mean?"

Shinji rubbed the back of his head. "Well, it's just usually you don't wake up this early on a Saturday, so I assume you have something special planned."

Asuka huffed, but conceded the point. "I am taking us three to the zoo!" She was clearly excited; she practically bounced as she said it.

Shinji was slightly confused. He would love to go; he just was unsure as to why now. Asuka had expressed no great interest in the zoo or animals recently. "What brought this on?" Shinji asked, curious.

Asuka looked indignant. "What, a girl can't bring her boyfriends to the zoo when she wants!? Maybe I am gonna sell you to them, Third, I hear they always need more for the monkey exhibits."

Kaworu smiled. "I would love to go with you, Asuka. I'd like to see some more varieties of life this planet has to offer."

Shinji snorted. "You would follow her to the moon if she asked." He smiled internally laughing at his own joke.

Kaworu seemed aghast. "I don't think I would, I mean I would go if she asked me but why would she? The moon seems like such a boring place." And lonely, Kaworu thought. Once again, his mind drifted to the First Child. This happy scene before him had not come without a cost. Somewhere, floating in space, Kaworu knew Rei or Lilith or whatever it wanted to be was alone. But maybe not forever. Kaworu liked to imagine that one day she would find her own peace. Maybe she would make her own people on a world far, far from here, one unburdened by prophecy or fate, by cataclysm and suffering.

Asuka turned her attention to Kaworu. "But before we head off, we should get prepared. I will get all the stuff we need while Shinji"—she looked at him and smiled—"can you help Kaworu with his sunscreen? I don't have to remind you two what happened last time."

Kaworu shuddered. He did not need to be reminded. While he'd never had an issue with it when he was an Angel, it seemed his new body was quite sensitive to the sun. Just another thing to worry about, he supposed. These past few years had been quite a parade of the weaknesses of man. From his first scraped knee to his first dance with the common cold, Kaworu had learned that the human experience was not all kisses and roses. And there were other times, times he did not like to talk about that he felt a sort of phantom pain for the senses and abilities he had lost. Sometimes it felt like he was half blind and deaf compared to what he had been. Still, he did not dare to complain about these things to Shinji and Asuka. He knew it would not come off well to complain about being 'only human'. And besides, even with these new struggles, he preferred the world of humanity to his old lot a hundredfold. Here he was loved, here he had a future, here he had hope.

*​

Hikari looked around the restaurant expectantly. Asuka was very late. Late enough Hikari was on her second glass of water and basket of buttered rolls. She spun her wedding ring on her finger like she always did when she was nervous. The days of being the class representative were long over, but her rigidity when it came to punctuality never left her.

She tried to be understanding. Asuka had had a very busy life these days. Ever since she had been approached about joining the UN think tank charged with uncovering the secrets Nerv had left behind. Mountains of data and experiments and technology that had been sealed away in the chaos of the days following the Angel War. Hikari had heard from Touji that Kaworu and Shinji both held reservations about the position, preferring to ignore the past. But Hikari knew Asuka. She knew that she had to get involved. Asuka was not one to stand by and let others do things for her and Hikari knew that if she had not joined up that she would have worried herself sick thinking of what they were uncovering. Hikari hoped that Asuka could find some measure of peace with herself. After all these years, she still bore the scars of her childhood in Nerv. And while she knew that Asuka relied on Kaworu and Shinji for support, she sometimes there were some things that Asuka needed to do for herself.

The sound of the cafe door opening behind Hikari snapped her out of her speculation. She turned around to see the object of her thoughts—Asuka Langley Soryu—who was still wearing her new UN uniform with its navy blue jacket that Asuka left open, revealing a loose shirt underneath. As she approached Hikari's table, she let of a stream of apologies.

"I am really sorry, Hikari. Believe me, I got out as fast as I could, you have no idea how long those meetings can drag on." She sat down opposite Hikari and poured herself a glass of water from the pitcher on the table.

Hikari smiled. "It's alright, these things happen. How goes the new job?"

Asuka shrugged dejectedly. "Hard. The one thing all of us at the think tank agree on is that we don't know how if half of what Nerv created works. And the stuff we can figure out is either impractical or incomplete." She took a long drink from her glass and sighed. "Still, it's good work. All my life I have wanted to know what Nerv was really like, and now..." She looked Hikari in the eyes. "I guess it's just good to have some closure you know?" She perked up. "Plus, the pay is not half bad. Turns out the UN is willing to shell out the big bucks if they think you are an expert."

A waiter approached the table. "I see Miss Soryu has arrived. Would you like to order now or shall I get you started on some drinks first?"

Hikari gave Asuka a look before responding to the server. "I think we would like some time with the menus first but until then I think we would both like your house white."

Asuka spoke up, "Just water for me, thanks. My stomach is on edge today."

The waiter nodded. "One house white and another pitcher of ice water." He gave a curt nod before heading in the direction of the kitchens.

When he was out of earshot, Asuka asked, "So how are you and the stooge doing? Is domestic bliss all its cracked up to be?" Asuka sniggered.

Hikari huffed as she picked up her menu. She had already memorized the specials from waiting for Asuka, but she did not want the redhead to see her flushed. "I will have you know Touji is great... if a little impulsive sometimes. But besides, its not like you three are much different. That week you were gone in Germany your boys acted like the sun had set for good."

Asuka blushed thinking of her idiots missing her. She felt kinda guilty about the new job as she knew it would eat up a sizable amount of her time. Time that could be spent on those she loved. "That was what I called you here to talk to you about."

Alarm bells rang in Hikari's mind. As much as she felt uncomfortable with the arrangement at the beginning, she had long since come around. "Is everything okay with you three? Is Shinji sick? What about Kaworu? They didn't cheat on you did they? Are you moving? Tell me if you are moving."

Asuka Grit her teeth. While she was her best friend, Hikari had a penchant for drama. "It's nothing like that. It's good, in fact." She leaned in closer as to not project "I am gonna ask them to marry me. And well, you're really the only one I know that has any experience there, so..."

Hikari's eyes each widened to the size of the dinner plate in front of her. "Married?!" She could not help but shout, which earned a shush from Asuka in response. "I thought you never wanted to get married, didn't you once say that you didn't give a damn about any of that?"

Asuka shrank to the size of a pea. "Ah, well... let's just say, something came up recently that ah... made me reconsider."

Pieces began to click in Hikari's mind. The loose clothing, the water, the sudden urgency... "You're pregnant, aren't you?"

Asuka went crimson. "It's that obvious, huh?" She rubbed her forearm. "Some things just creep up on you. It's scary. I don't know what kind of mother I will be but... I wanna try."

Hikari squealed in delight. "Don't worry, Asuka! Sakura and I will take care of everything. We'll handle the invitations and the venue. I can look for someone... open minded to officiate and I can even pick out dresses."

Asuka smiled. It was nice to see her friend this happy. Whatever would come would come. All she could do was ride the waves.

Their waiter returned and asked their orders. Hikari, feeling guilty about all the bread, ordered a mixed salad while Asuka, who was more adventurous, spoke up, "I will have the soup of the day to start and for the main..." She smiled. "I will have the trout."

*​

Kaworu smiled as he headed toward the usual meeting place, a bounce in his step. Over the last few days, he and Shinji had settled into a nice pattern. After their tests and duties, they would meet and visit Asuka in the hospital. While the girl had first reacted with a mix of anger and jealousy when she had learned his position as replacement pilot of Unit-2, after being alone for so long, she began to appreciate the company. He looked forward to seeing the two. It was strange. Kaworu could not identify quite what his feelings for Shinji were. When they were together, something seemed to bloom in Kaworu, a desire for more that he could not place. He seemed to be affecting Shinji as well; in the time since his arrival, he had seemed to open up a great deal, his awkward, shy nature giving way to a sweet, sensitive boy. As he made his way up his usual route from his quarters in the bowels of the Geofront, Kaworu came across a peculiar obstacle: The first pilot, Rei Ayanami. Kaworu's nature let him see into the hearts of others, to observe at a metaphysical level. And so, when he looked at the First Child, he saw what was hidden under the surface... Lilith.

The girl gave him an odd stare. Kaworu was certain that she could see his nature in some way as well, if not as clearly. "You are the Fifth Child, Nagisa Kaworu."

Kaworu smiled knowingly. "That I am, and you are the first." He smirked. The first of many things: The First Child, the first pilot, the first soul on Earth. Kaworu could see her, the girl's soul. There was a strange duality to it, as if torn asunder and remade into one flesh.

The First Child looked curious. "You are spending time with Ikari." It was an accusation as much as a statement. "Why?"

The Angel shrugged. "We enjoy each other's company. We like to talk and play music together." Kaworu smiled thinking of him. "He is a wondrous example of a lilim. So fragile and yet he continues to try to reach out to others. There is a great hope within him that not even this war can extinguish."

There was a sadness in the First Child, a look of great longing for things lost. "Do you... make him happy?"

Kaworu could see the girl's concern. Clearly, she had a strong connection with the boy even if she could not express it. "I think I do," Kaworu said. He admitted to himself it was difficult for him to divine people's intentions sometimes. Lilim were strange creatures—how they acted was often the opposite of how they felt.

Rei seemed content at the answer. "Please, be kind to Ikari... He deserves happiness." She seemed to plead to Kaworu.

Kaworu sighed and looked at the girl. Their A.T. Fields seemed to bristle and screech at the contact. "But not us," Kaworu returned her look of sadness. "We walk a different path."

The girl nodded, a loneliness clouding her eyes. Without another word, she walked away down a dark corridor of the Geofront until she was out of sight. The girl interested Kaworu. She seemed unique in the world. Like Kaworu, she seemed to be unfinished, born with an emptiness that could only be resolved with oblivion. Kaworu tried to shake the feeling out of his mind. For now, he decided he would make Shinji happy, Asuka as well if she would let him.

Eventually, Kaworu freed himself from the twisting corridors of the Geofront. To his surprise, he saw that the sky, usually bright and blue, was a deep overcast. Billowing grey clouds rolled over the landscape, covering everything in their shadow. In the distance, he saw the familiar figure of Shinji Ikari getting closer, a small black umbrella under one arm.

"Kaworu. It's good to see you." Shinji smiled, something that always made Kawrou happy. "You were a bit late, so I was worried you weren't coming."

Kaworu shook his head. "I apologize for my lateness. I had a run-in with the First Child."

Shinji's eyes widened and his face twisted into a sour expression. Kaworu had learned that Shinji had recently found out about the First Child's nature as an artificial lifeform. Something he seemed to avoid thinking about. Shinji seemed to feel betrayed by the revelation, confused and shocked by his friend's strange nature. Kaworu could only imagine how Shinji would react to his own nature. He swallowed gravely, trying to push it out of his head.

Shinji spoke up inquisitively. "Ayanami?" he asked. "How is she?"
"She seems complicated." Kaworu admitted. Shinji did not need to hear about Lilith from him. If he wanted to, he could connect on his own with his friend. If not, then that would be his choice. "But we should head off ourselves if we want to get to the hospital before the rain starts."Shinji nodded and the two walked towards the bus stop. Shinji stayed quite close to his new friend. Above them, pressure in the cloud layer continued to build.

The two were quite disappointed to learn when they arrived that Asuka was not available for visits today, as she was busy speaking to psychiatrists and counselors. Dejected, the two turned away, walking along the sidewalk of the building.

Shinji spoke up dejectedly. "So what now?"

"I believe that this hospital is supposed to have some wonderful gardens on the property. While we are here, I would love to visit them," Kaworu suggested.

Shinji smiled at the thought. "I would like that." Following along, the two made their way to the gardens. Long twisting paths were lined with greenery and rock gardens. Shinji looked sad as he turned to see a collection of pots, each filled with flowers that had wilted.

"Poor guys. I guess the heat got to them," Shinji said, touching a dry petal.

"Especially considering it will rain today. It is sad they could not hold out any longer." Kaworu looked over the plants.

Shinji seemed nervous. "Sometimes, I guess you don't know how much longer you have." Shinji looked away for a moment, hiding his face. "We should all try to find some happiness while we can."

Kaworu pondered. "That's very profound, Shinji." He smiled. "All humans can ever do is make do with what is given to them. Whether they can be happy there is up to them. Any place can—" Kaworu stopped as he felt the air turn. "Did you feel that?"

As if summoned by his words, water began to rain down upon them, slowly at first, but getting stronger. Shinji pointed to a nearby pavilion, grabbing Kaworu's wrist on instinct as the two ran before they were soaked.

The two boys panted in the summer heat as the heavens opened up around them. Torrents of rain poured from the sky, soaking the grass and the trees. Kaworu looked around in amazement. This was his first storm. All at once, he felt like he was so small, there was so much of this world he would never know. Never see. It hurt him to think of everything he missed when he—

Kaworu turned around to see that Shinji had moved in close to him, barely more than a foot apart and closing. "Shinji? What are you doing?" Kaworu was shocked. Shinji did not seem one for assertiveness, but here he was, fidgeting and blushing but getting closer.

"Finding some happiness," Shinji said softly before kissing him. Kaworu was vaguely aware of lightning striking somewhere nearby and the rolling pan of thunder, but knew it was Shinji that was making him quake. Hesitantly, Kaworu kissed back, cupping Shinji's face with a hand. They stayed for a good while, holding each other close as they rode out storm.

*​

The three of them stumbled out of the bar together laughing, Kaworu and Shinji helping carry their friend Touji to the curb. Given Touji's limitations, walking anywhere right now was not a real option. Shinji was grateful; it was a nice, cool night. A light breeze sent a shiver up Shinji's spine as he wobbled into a sitting position. He turned to his friend, who was still chuckling to himself about his recent antic. In the back of his mind, Shinji hoped one of them had had the foresight to grab Touji's cane. "I can't believe you did that."

Touji laughed "I can't believe I did either, but when that guy started slagging you guys I had two options: To punch him or moon him."

Shinji rubbed his brow, his head spinning. That certainly fit Touji. Maybe he had drunk too much himself. "I am just glad he thought it was funny." He looked over at his boyfriend, who was simply staring at the stars, giggling. Well, at least I'm not the only one.

Touji smiled. "The waitress didn't, though."

Shinji shrugged. He had never been thrown out of a bar before, but he supposed that, given his life, he should be allowed a few eccentricities. A thought floated to the surface of his blurry mind. "I texted Asuka back inside. She should be here in a while to pick us up." He could only imagine the scolding he and Kaworu would receive back home, but he racked it up to Future Shinji's problem.

"She is a nice girl," Touji conceded, "when she isn't trying to bite your head off."

Kaworu spoke up. "Heh, Hikari can be quite scary when she wants to be. The way she puffs up when she gets agitated is quite fascinating. She is like...what are those birds from Australia?"
Touji was confused. "Are you calling my fiancee an ostrich?"

Kaworu waved his hands in defence. "I don't mean to insult... I mean she is a very pretty ostrich."

Touji laughed it off nervously. "In a few weeks that ostrich is gonna be my wife."

Shinji looked at his friend. "You're not getting cold feet, are you?"

Touji smirked. "Nah. You know me, I love Hikari to bits. I just... well, its a big commitment, you know?"

Shinji nodded. "I understand. But well, you have been together since high school..."

Kaworu sighed contentedly, cutting in. "True soul mates."

Shinji chuckled and continued. "Honestly, you should be happy you found someone who puts up with you."

Touji nodded. "There is that," he said weakly, looking at his prosthetic arm "Sometimes, I just wish I was a better man for her."

Shinji looked at him and knew exactly what he meant. Out of all of them that had passed through that hell, Touji's scars were most visible. "Listen, Touji, I know I will never really understand but... I'd like to think I can empathize. If you want to talk about it."

Touji tried to do his best shrug but winded up lying on the side walk. "It's okay, I got over most of this stuff a long time ago. It's just... I had a thought the other day. What am I telling my kids about this? When I have them, I mean." He stared up at the moon, trying to avoid crying.

Shinji smiled. "Tell them you got them saving the world."

Touji gave a gruff snort ."Yeah right, all I did was get in an infected Eva. Big hero I am."

Shinji lay down beside his friend. "The point is that you tried to help. You tried to. You wanted to save people. That is something to be proud of, even if it didn't turn out well."

Kaworu looked solemn, his goofy grin gone. "You did a lot better than me. At least you didn't mean to hurt anyone."

Shinji turned to his boyfriend with hurt in his eyes. "Kaworu how many times do I have to tell you I—"

He was interrupted by a familiar red sedan pulling up to the curb. It stopped and an annoyed redhead stepped out of the car. "Did some idiots call for a ride?"

Shinji and Kaworu smiled. After this night's events, they were glad they had someone to come and rescue them. Not that Asuka minded playing the hero.

Kaworu grinned as he looked at her. "Have I ever told you how beautiful you are in the moonlight?"

Asuka blushed and sighed, shaking her head in frustration. Kaworu's already limited vocal filter seemed to disappear when he drank. "Just get in the car. I swear I'll refuse to play doctor for you two tomorrow."

"What about me?" Touji asked as Asuka helped him to his feet, careful to hand him his cane that had been thoughtlessly discarded on the ground.

Asuka smirked. "You're Hikari's problem. The last time I let you stay over drunk you yakked on my sofa. Now get in the front, stooge, you're the first stop."

Kaworu sighed as he slid in the backseat with Shinji. "It was such a nice sofa too, it really tied the room together." Shinji simply yawned.

The ride through late-night Tokyo was long. Even at night, the streets were filled with cars, each with an impatient driver with a place to go. Longer still was the act of dropping Touji off at his and Hikari's apartment making sure that he was okay. But while the task was annoying and Asuka complained vocally, inwardly she did not mind. The look on her two loves' faces as they snoozed in the back seat when she drove home made the whole thing worth it.

*
​

The train to the zoo was long and crowded. Asuka was not exactly unique in the idea to go to the park on such a wonderful sunny day, something that seemed to put Shinji on edge but affected Kaworu very little. The grey haired boy seemed to take strange comfort in the hustle and bustle of other people, the normalcy of it. So it was with a small smile that he sat in the middle of the three as the train clicked along from station to station, holding the others' hands. On one fateful stop, a woman with a stroller noticed almost too late that it was her station and rushed towards the retractable doors. The child in the stroller startled awake and dropped a small felt monkey. Springing to action, Kaworu grabbed the toy from the floor and gave it to the woman, who then smiled and thanked him before leaving to catch her next train. Asuka smiled. Kaworu had a connection with children; his kind open nature seemed to resonate with them. He would probably make an okay fath... Asuka's heart caught in her throat. She had been so used to thinking for the short term, so desperate to make whatever small happiness she could find last that she had never really thought of her future. But that was what happened with someone you loved, right? A waterfall of images fell into her mind of weddings and babies and jobs and mortgages. It was all too much. Hesitantly, she got up and walked over to the doors, grasping the metal pole as she gasped for breath.

Shinji and Kaworu both got up to see if she was alright, but Asuka placated them with a wave a and a smile. "It's just a bit hot for me. Remind me to drink some water when we get off."

Asuka tried to enjoy the rest of the ride, but was disturbed by the thoughts that crept into her brain. In truth, Asuka had never expected to be here like this. Back when she had come to Japan, she had held hopes of defeating the Angels, being showered in glory and riding off into the sunset with Kaji. But things had not turned out that way. Her past self would never have believed or accepted what she had now. Not with the likes of stupid Shinji and the bastard replacement, in any case. And truth be told, it had taken a good deal of time. Asuka smiled. It would have been simple if it had all happened at once. Some big stupid declaration and song. But the truth was their love had crept up in inches. After they had all... come back. The three of them had stuck together like iron, forged by fire into something greater. Shinji and Kaworu were the first. They had gotten together first before the end so it made sense that they would connect first after. Asuka had not been happy about the development when it happened. She remembered locking herself in her room and sobbing into her pillow for hours. Even if she didn't admit it yet, some part of her knew she loved Shinji. And to see him taken away had almost been more than Asuka could bear. And yet, she continued to love him. She could no more tell her heart to stop loving him than she could tell it to stop beating. So it was to her great joy and surprise that one day the three had talked. Asuka could remember Kaworu's warm smiling face as he brought them together. He told her that he knew about her feelings, and he knew that Shinji harbored feelings for her as well. He said that he was not angry or jealous but that, while his powers were gone, he could always feel how much they lighted up each others lives. She and Kaworu had come later. They had become quite close after all that had happened but it was a slow slide into love. One moment building on the last until one day, Asuka woke up with Shinji on one side and Kaworu on the other and realized she never wanted anything else.

The feeling within Asuka's stomach did not settle when they arrived at the park, the sweltering sun doing nothing to help her own feelings of disquiet and worry. With a wave of her hand, Asuka separated from the two to go down a less crowded path and into the statuary section dedicated to now extinct species, walking and thinking until she bumped into a well-worn figure of a large jungle cat.

Asuka looked at the tiger and sighed. It was almost too on the nose, wasn't it? As she sat next to the worn and bird-shit-crusted statue, it made her realize fully that some things could never be returned. Some wounds would never heal. Some injustices could never be repaid. There was never going to be some magical day that would make it all better. Some part of her would still be that little girl running for her mother.

Asuka frowned as a familiar presence sat down beside her. "I thought I told you I wanted to be alone."

Shinji smiled and brought a hand to his eyes, trying to block out the sun. "I know, I just figured we could be alone together. Besides, I think we both know stewing on this kinda stuff never helps."

Asuka leaned back against the metal railing, hissing a bit at the unexpected heat. "Where is Angel Boy? You didn't send him on a snipe hunt, did you?"

Shinji showed off a coy smile "I did no such thing. I just pointed him in the direction of the otter enclosure, something I knew he would enjoy and let him do the rest."

Asuka laughed. "Shinji Ikari, you can be a master manipulator when you want to be."

Shinji smiled and leaned in on Asuka's shoulder. "I got you, didn't I?"

Kaworu was not as foolish as he sometimes liked to display. He knew that Asuka was concerned about something and that Shinji had sent him off so he could talk to her in private. Some part of Kaworu was hurt by this. He wished that everything came easy, that they all loved and trusted each other equally. He wished sometimes that they were more like him. Kaworu's love for the two was endless and without judgment. But the truth was less simple; lilim were less simple. They seemed to spend their lives in fear of what would happen if they let themselves be happy. Sometimes, Kaworu found it hard to understand the lilim, even if he was one himself now. All he could do was try his best and let them be what they were. So, as he turned the corner of the memorial garden to see his two loves sitting in the shade of a statue of a rhinoceros locked in an embrace, it made Kaworu's heart leap in joy.

"I know we said we should be careful with money today, since everything is overpriced here," he said, grabbing the two's attention as he motioned to his gifts: Two ice cream cones he had recently procured from a vendor. "But I knew that Asuka could use some cheering up, and I cannot recall a time in which ice cream made anyone feel worse."

Asuka smiled at the kindness and took the dessert, taking a good lick. She was unable to stop herself from snarking. "I will feel worse when it all goes to my thighs." But she caught herself. "But... thank you." She looked up at the boy, who beamed at her, and then at Shinji, who seemed content just to stare, hardly noticing his own treat. Don't think of it like a cage, she thought, think of it like a boat. Some things will be familiar. Some things will anchor you, but there is no limit to the places you'll go. "Thank you both, for all of it. I know that I can be a bit... much sometimes."

Kaworu knelt down to join them, sitting on Asuka's other side in the shade. "You are Asuka Langley Soryu. A fire burns within you, stronger than any I have seen. To ask you to be someone else, to even try, would be like asking a bird not to fly or a fish not to swim. I love you for who you are, not who I want you to be."

Asuka blushed deeply. While she often found Kaworu's seemingly random musings inane, his unique way of seeing the world occasionally cut deep into the heart of things. It almost made up for all the jabber... almost. Vanilla ice-cream still on her lips, Asuka pulled the boy in to a surprise kiss, which did a very good job of shutting him up and placing Asuka back on top. "I hope you liked that," Asuka laughed, "'cause the rest of the cone is mine."

Shinji laughed in response, giving Asuka a quick kiss before moving past her to give a quick peck to Kaworu. "Oh, come on, Asuka," he teased, "I thought you were better with sharing."

Asuka could stay like this forever. However, as she continued licking at her cone in the shade, the reason she had brought the two here today popped into her mind. Brightening, she stood up and motioned for the two to follow her. "Come on," she smiled, "I didn't sit in that crowded train for an hour to do what we could have done at home."

Ignoring their questions of what their destination was, Asuka dragged the two through the park, the hot sun providing no hindrance in the face of Asuka's enthusiasm. Through the prairies and the mountains, the deserts and the jungles, Asuka continued until they came to an enclosure in the arctic and antarctic section of the zoo. Asuka had been very surprised when she had gotten a call from Ibuki out of the blue to inform her of this. Compared to everything else that had happened in those final days, it was easy to forget. And sometimes she did want to forget, everything and anything from those days. But when she saw Shinji's face light up when he pressed his face to the glass, she knew it was a good idea to come.

"Pen Pen?" Shinji looked shocked as he looked down at the bird in the enclosure, surrounded by his fellows. He lacked his little backpack, and there was nary a beer can or newspaper to be found, but Shinji knew that creature when he saw it. Turning to Asuka, Shinji was gobsmacked. "How?"

"Ibuki called me. I almost hung up on her out of principle, but... she told me that all those years ago, Misato sent Pen Pen away to an animal preserve, where he has stayed since. But that a few weeks ago"—Asuka waved a hand toward the preening animal below—"he found a new home."

"And he isn't alone," Kaworu said, smiling and pointing at another penguin who waddled up to the bird and began to nuzzle. "I think your old pet has found himself someone."

Shinji grinned. So often he tried to divorce himself from what had happened, talking about it only to other people who had been there. It was a place of pain for him, a scar that would never really heal. So it was heartening to see that someone else, something else had got through it. Grabbing Asuka with one hand and Kaworu with the other, he pulled them close "He isn't the only one."

*​

There was very little noise as Shinji walked down one of the many ruined streets of Tokyo-3. What little people remained in the city seemed hollow and quiet, not bothering to recognize Shinji's presence unless directly in front of him. One could easily forget that today was Christmas Eve. In a happier time, Shinji could imagine these streets filled with people bustling as they shopped and celebrated. Shinji would watch them growing up. The holiday meant nothing to his teacher and otherwise Shinji's only exposure to festivities were through his school. But there was something comforting about seeing others happy, even if he could not have that himself. He was going to meet up with Kaworu to visit Asuka in the hospital. While Kaworu did not know Asuka well, his presence seemed to help the girl, if only to spur her into passion to denounce her "replacement". Shinji tried not to over analyze the boy himself. While the two of them had gotten quite close since the thunderstorm, Shinji was unsure what they were or what he felt, what he was or what it meant. As selfish as it was, for now Shinji simply used the boy as a place of comfort and of peace.

He had wanted to meet up with him earlier. Between school closing down, Lieutenant Ibuki's increasingly infrequent sych tests and Misato wrapping herself in her own grief, Shinji found it hard to fill the day. And in some ways, Kaworu and his... thing had made these times of silence ring more loudly. Shinji was afraid. So many people had left him; so many people had been lost. Hikari, Touji and Kensuke had fled the city with their families. Misato had grown cold and distant. Rei... Shinji did not like to think about Rei. There had been something there once. Shinji still remembered the two of them fighting side by side, Rei protecting him just as she promised. He remembered her smile after the battle. But if they had had a connection once, it was severed now. His own fear and weakness prevented him from facing her, facing what she was and what that meant for him. Kicking a glass bottle from the gutter into the adjacent sidewalk, Shinji clenched his fists. It's no wonder people keep leaving me. Misato is right. I am too much of a fucking coward to fight for them.


"I hope that bottle deserved that." Shinji looked up to see Kaworu approach him from down the street. "Are you alright, Shinji?"

Shinji forced a smile as he turned to face Kaworu. He should not talk about those to him, he knew, lest he drive another person away. "I'm alright. But I thought you had to be alone? Why are you here so soon?"

"My talk with my teacher was more... direct than I expected it to be. He made his expectations of me and my role very clear. I do not know if I should go though with his wishes, however."

Kaworu sometimes spoke like this, confusing and mysterious. It made Shinji nervous and a bit angry. Why doesn't he trust me enough to tell me? Still, given how open and friendly the boy was about some things, Shinji supposed he could be mysterious about others. And it was not like he did not understand what Kaworu was going through. He would not be in this city at all if not for the wishes of his father, and he would not have stayed if it not for the desires of those around him. "Will you do it? Do what your teacher wants?"

Kaworu's eyes turned sad. "I do not know. I don't think I want to, but I don't think I have a choice, either."

Shinji knew that feeling well. After every battle he would think the same thing.Never again, I won't do it, not for them or myself, and yet, like clockwork, when the time came and he was called, Shinji answered. "I guess we all have to do things in life we don't want to."

Kaworu looked off into the distance. "We do, don't we?"

Wanting to cheer up the boy without disturbing him, Shinji tentatively grabbed his hand. The effect was immediate, snapping Kaworu to attention like lightning. "We should go see Asuka. I am sure she is lonely being stuck in a hospital on Christmas."

Shinji and Kaworu spent the bus ride talking. Shinji was curious as to how they celebrated Christmas in Germany so he could be considerate to Asuka. He knew that gifts were customary, but... Shinji was unsure what Asuka, in her highly monitored condition, was allowed to have. And so, he decided no gift was better than one that might be confiscated. Kaworu seemed very knowledgeable, but not experienced, providing all the information Shinji asked for, but staying silent when he asked if he had done these things. If Shinji could guess, Kaworu was like Asuka in some ways: A life dedicated to piloting, divorced from living. Whereas I don't even have that excuse, Shinji thought melancholically.

The hospital, for its part, did cover itself in a thin veneer of Christmas. A small, sad looking tree sat in the corner of the lobby in which Shinji and Kaworu sat as they waited for one of the few nurses still left staffing the place to come and sign them in, its lights glowing dimly. Just like Asuka.

After a brief talk with one of the staff, the two were told they could go and visit her. The man didn't bother to accompany them. They don't care anymore, do they? They only cared about Asuka as a tool to use against the Angels, and now that she can't fight anymore, they are just gonna throw her away. Kaworu, for his part, seemed sad as well, watching the staff scuttle about the faded hallways.

The two found Asuka playing a game on a little device, the soft sounds of rapid button presses and the happy bleeps from the game filling the room.

Clearing his throat, Shinji tried to get Asuka's attention. Pausing her game, she looked almost surprised when she saw the two in the doorway. "Oh... you're back."

Shinji tried to smile. He was unsure what to say. It was difficult seeing Asuka like this. Since she had arrived, she had been passionate and fiery. Everything she did, everything she said, she did with conviction. And even though that meant that being with her was sometimes hard, even though it sometimes hurt, Shinji would prefer that to seeing her so... fragile. But Shinji pressed forward. It would be easy to leave and ignore it, to close in and hide from everything. But he couldn't. After losing Rei, Shinji could not afford to lose anyone else. "I told you we would. How are you doing?"

Asuka sighed and turned off her game, ending the idle sounds it chirped. "The food sucks, the nurses don't give a shit and the pills they gave me make my head spin but... I'm alive I guess. Not sure if I should be, but... I am."

"I am glad, Asuka. Life is the wellspring of all hope. As long as there is life, there is hope." Kaworu smiled at the girl warmly, causing both her and Shinji to raise an eyebrow.

Not wanting to let Asuka dwell on her last point, Shinji tried to brighten the girl up. "We thought you might want to have company today, since it's Christmas and all."

Asuka looked the two over. "You didn't bring me anything. My dad would have brought something. Kaji... he would have gotten me something. But... neither of them are here anymore, so I guess I will take what I can get. The only thing I really want is some fresh air, anyway. They have not let me out since I woke up. This processed stuff is making me choke."

Shinji rubbed the back of his head. He could understand the desire. Looking around, he saw hardly anything in the room besides a few books and her game. She deserved better than this. She was better than this. After all she had done for them, after all she had gone through for them, she deserved more than this cage. "I'm sorry, Asuka, but I don't think that..."

"We can take you out, if you want." All eyes turned to Kaworu. His voice was surprisingly even.

Shinji looked at him, concerned. "But the doctor said..."

"We will be with her. It will be fine. I want to give Asuka the thing she desires. I don't think a few doctors should stop us." Kaworu got a bit cold for a moment. "We should not let others rule us or define us."

Shinji was going to shut down the idea until saw a glimmer in Asuka's eyes. Unable to bring himself to extinguish that, he just nodded.

It was not hard for Kaworu and Shinji to sneak her out. Shinji had played look out while Kaworu took a somewhat shaky-looking wheelchair from a nearby empty room. Trying not to notice how thin Asuka's gown was or the scars on her wrists, Shinji helped the girl into the chair and the three crept their way to the elevator down the hall. No one stopped them, no one saw them as far as Shinji could tell, but when they exited the hospital and stepped into the parking lot, his heart was pounding. But perhaps that was from the contented sighs of joy coming from his red-haired friend as she breathed in the cool fresh breeze that made his his heart skip a beat.

The three had no great destination in mind, but when Asuka saw the green hill on the far side of the parking lot, she knew what she wanted. "The grass." She smiled. "Let me lie in the grass!"

Jubilant at Asuka's newfound happiness, Shinji happily pushed the chair across the lot, picking up speed in time with his pulse. Kaworu seemed to feel the energy too, grinning as he began to jog to keep pace, laughing all the way. When the three made it to the end, Shinji and Kaworu helped Asuka out of the chair and onto her weak legs. Her face warmed as she felt the soft grass on her toes. She took a few steps before wobbling and deciding to lie down. Shinji was unsure what to do, but saw Kaworu smile and lie beside her, the girl not noticing. Swallowing, Shinji did the same, enjoying a strange feeling of the girl beside her. "Asuka, are you..." Shinji choked out the words "are you okay?"

Asuka smiled woefully. "Merry Christmas, Shinji, and you too..."

Kaworu smiled. "Kaworu Nagisa."

Asuka shifted a bit. "Merry Christmas, Shinji Ikari and Kaworu Nagisa." Asuka closed her eyes as a faint breeze drifted over her skin, causing goosebumps. "This is the greatest gift I have ever had."​

*​

Asuka walked down one of the endless cold clean corridors of the Geofront several lock step paces behind her former guardian and commander, Misato Katsuragi. The woman had brought her here, back to the fortress of Nerv, back to her duties as a pilot. The doctors didn't say anything, I didn't say anything. She said to come, and I followed. Asuka knew why she was here, Misato had not come out and said it, but Asuka knew. The only reason that they'd left her alone after she... after what had happened was that they thought she was a lost cause. Now that she was up and about again, Nerv took an interest. Asuka looked at the back of Misato's head as she walked behind the woman. Neither could seem to look the other in the eye. There was a time that Asuka thought of Misato as a friend, perhaps a mentor of sorts, though she would never have said it aloud. Asuka remembered all the laughs and the teasing, the smiles and the encouragement. Was it all a lie? Asuka had to ask herself. Did Kaji's death and all the other pain harden the Major? Or did it reveal things as they really were? Asuka could not say, and was unsure what was even preferable. But she knew one thing. Misato was going to tell her to pilot again, and she was going to say yes. She could do nothing else; she knew what she was. She would fight until she died and maybe then she could rest. Weakly, Asuka managed to speak up, unsure of where they were headed. "Where are we going?"

Misato did not slow or stop her pace, simply communicating in a flat tone as she continued forward. "The command bridge. Maya is there doing some maintenance. When that is done, she will take you to the cages and prepare you for a synch test. Now that you are... better, you should begin to train again. We don't know when the next Angel will attack, so we need to be prepared."

The words were not new to her. If Asuka closed her eyes, she could almost feel the tight feel of her plug suit on her skin and the bitter taste of LCL filling her lungs as her Unit-02 connected with her, its warm sharp sensors making the edges of her senses crackle. It would not be hard, Asuka thought, to do another test, even if her score was as bad as before. If you go along with it, she might even be nice, she might even praise you. "Good job, Asuka," she will say, "it's good to have you back." There was a time, Asuka knew, she would have fought tooth and nail for those words. But now? For some reason, the thought turned her stomach. Focusing on that, Asuka gathered up any fire and indignation she had left. "I tried to kill myself, you know." That made the Major stop. "I know you know that, but I want you to know I won't pretend that everything's normal."

Misato turned around to face the girl, her face a cold mask."Only those with the will to live get to survive. If you wish to abandon that and disappear, then I cannot stop you. But as long as you are alive, you have a duty to do."

Asuka felt weak at the words. Reaching out, she placed a hand onto a nearby wall for support. She tried to muster up some response, but failed. She is right. Defeated, Asuka simply continued down the hall towards the bridge, Misato now in tow.

The bridge was a drag affair. All about technicians scurried in the glow of a dozen monitors. Besides Maya, who was bent over what appeared to be a malfunctioning computer, Asuka knew none of those assembled. Misato, on the other hand, seemed to warm a bit when she saw one of the bridge crew, a youngish man with slicked back hair and glasses. Asuka saw Misato smile at him as they discussed some new shipments of supplies from NERV-3. Asuka was not sure where to stand or what to do. She hated everyone ignoring her, but did not want to face Misato again. She thought of waiting outside when a horrible and very familiar sound blared over the speakers.

"Pattern Blue!" Asuka heard someone shout. "It's an angel! We are being attacked!"

As the monitors all switched to emergency red, Asuka saw Misato switch from her cold stoicism to shock and fear, rushing over to the command desk. "Where is it?" she shouted at the crew. "How long inbound?"
Maya, had taken a seat at one of the monitors. Reading the incoming data, she tried not to looked panicked as she addressed the Major. "It says it is inside the Geofront! The sensors are reading the pattern is coming from the cages. It's inside the base!"

"We have cameras in there for a reason, damn it!" Misato shouted. A moment later, a feed from the cages was plastered on every surface.

Asuka gasped. She dizzily reached out to a railing to steady herself. What was on the monitor was nothing like she expected. "Kaworu..." The boy was an enigma to Asuka. When she had found out he was her replacement, she could not help but hate him. But no matter how cold or how bitter she acted, the strange boy only regarded her with a polite kindness that disarmed her. The fact that Shinji clearly seemed to like the boy only complicated matters. But she had never thought...

"Where is Shinji?" Misato yelled at the crew.

"He was prepping for the synch test, ma'am. He should still be in the changing room," Maya answered.

"We don't have any time to lose. Tell him to prepare to sortie, and when he is in the Eva, give him directions to the main shaft. That bastard is headed to Terminal Dogma. We need to kill it before it reaches there or we are all dead!"

The Major's harsh tone shocked Asuka. Just like that. Just like that, she is going to send Shinji out to kill his friend. Was he his friend? As Asuka watched the boy, whom she had thought of as odd but otherwise perfectly normal, float down the chasm leading to Terminal Dogma, her mind grew unsure. Was he just like everyone else? Lying to them and using them to get what he wanted? The fact that floating behind him was her beloved Unit-02, now seemingly dancing on invisible strings, made her sick. The screens split into two feeds, one monitoring Kaworu's progress to Terminal Dogma and the other watching Shinji frantically rushing into the plug. Asuka's mind raced as she watched the images above her, helpless to stop or change anything.

Images and sounds melted together; the endless chorus of panic from Misato and the crew blurred into noise. Focusing on the images made little more sense. So much was happening that she did not understand or fathom. All she knew for sure was Shinji. No matter how much the Major demanded, Shinji seemed to refuse to attack Kaworu, instead pleading with him to stop all the way down the shaft.

Asuka gasped as she watched the two reach the bottom of the chasm and what seemed like a vast black antechamber. But what shocked Asuka the most was not the unnatural shape of the smooth black stone, but the white masked giant nailed to a cross in the center of the chamber. "What the hell?" Asuka breathed. "Misato," Asuka shouted up at the major, "what is that thing?" Misato did not respond.

Frustrated, Asuka returned her attention to the monitors and to the feed coming from Unit-01. It was difficult to hear specifics. Shinji seemed to be breaking down into tears, but something he said caused even Misato and the crew to shut up.

"I love you."

The words cut into Asuka like a knife. He loves him. Asuka was never sure what she felt for Shinji. She wanted him and she hated him. She wanted him to be the great hero she thought he could be, and she wanted him to disappear and stop stealing affection and attention meant for her. She wanted him to hold her, and she wanted him to kiss her and she wanted him to bleed. Looking at the monitor and seeing the collapsed heap of Unit-02 and then looking at Shinji, Asuka realized losing him was worse.

The Angel turned to Shinji, his floating form level with the Eva's eyes. "I love you too. But there are some things that love cannot change, there are some wounds love cannot heal. I am grateful for the time I've had with you, but only one race may inherit the future of this Earth. And that future should be yours. Thank you for bringing some small meaning to this life."

Shinji was frantic. "I don't understand! Why are you telling me this?!"

"I am death, Shinji, either for you or for me, but only in my destruction may you know peace. Only in my passing may humanity have hope for the future."

Shinji's sadness turned to anger. "You lied to me! Just like everyone else! I hate you!" In a rush, Unit-01 reached out and snatched the boy from the air, clutching him in his armoured fist.

Kaworu did not react to being in the Eva's clutches, but he shed a single tear at the boy's words "Do not let our final words be those born of anger, Shinji. Think of the rain, and do what you must do."

Asuka trembled as she watched the screen. For a moment, there was silence and time seemed to crawl. Then there was the sound of a fist closing, and then the silence returned.

*​

Shinji sat and took a sip from the styrofoam cup he held in his shaky grip. Around him, nurses bustled carts as a hundred machines beeped in the distance. The black coffee he was drinking was, by any measurable standard, terrible, but it was just what a very stressed, very sleep deprived Shinji needed. The last few hours had been a nightmare. For whatever reason, Asuka seemed to be having a very difficult birth. And while he and Kaworu could take shifts, Shinji's guilt and nerves meant time spent away from Asuka was as hard as time spent with her.

A father. He was going to be a father. The idea was terrifying, but appealing. He had never known his father. While a towering figure in his life, Shinji had barely spoken to the man in his days at Nerv. There was a coldness there that hurt to think about. What kind of father will I be? Shinji's childhood had been spent alone. A cold empty series of spaces without attachments or feelings. Until I met them. Asuka had had her own childhood, forced to be a weapon and a warrior, bribed and threatened and forced into being a tool, a tool thrown away when it was no longer useful. Kaworu had... from what he had told them, Kaworu's childhood, if one could call it that, had been a mix of cold medical examinations and cult-like indoctrination. Who the hell are we to raise a kid? But at the same time, it felt right. The three of them were building a life together, a patchwork of old and new. The thought of having that, sharing that—it was almost too much for words. Little feet. The thought made him weak.

"Shinji?"

Shinji turned to face his very panicked husband calling him from down the hall. Seeing the worry on his face, Shinji put down the coffee and headed over. "Is everything okay?"

Kaworu nodded. "The nurses went looking for you. It's okay, it's..." He was practically glowing. Unable to put it into words, the man simply grabbed Shinji by the wrist and led him back to their wife's room.

As he entered, Shinji heard a muffled cry, and nothing else mattered. Lying in bed, tired and disheveled, she had never looked more beautiful. And in her arms, wrapped in a light blanket...

"The little guy was a fighter." Asuka beamed at the child "He did not want to come out."

Shinji reached out a shaking hand, brushing aside the blanket to look at his son. "Is he... is he alright?" The child warbled at the light and returned to nuzzling his mother's chest. Moving his gaze up, he met his wife's deep blue eyes. "Are you alright?"

An odd smile crept onto Asuka's face. "We are fine. It was touch and go for a minute there, but..." She reached out and laid a hand on Kaworu's, who was standing at her bedside. "I had good company."

Kaworu squeezed Asuka's hand gently. "I never had any doubts, Asuka."

Asuka looked at Shinji warmly. "You should hold him." Cooing the baby softly as she shifted her weight in the bed, she placed the child in Shinji's outstretched arms.

Shinji looked down at his son. In his arms was something lighter than a feather and heavier than the world. He had never felt so happy. Carefully, he held the baby close as he began to cry tears of joy.

So enraptured by this was Shinji that he did not see or hear one of the nurses come in until she had crossed into his vision. "Ah, Mister Ikari, we were looking for you. I am glad you are here." The old woman smiled as she sat down, letting the man have his moment. "Does he have a name?"

"Rei," Shinji breathed out. "His name is Rei. After an old friend." Looking down at his child, Shinji smiled, brushing an errant hair from his face. "Welcome to the world of the living, Rei Ikari."