I recently found a good enough version of the Chapter 54.5 of the Manga and read it. Now I'm...
Over the Horizon: Walking on Butterflies(Aoki Hagane No Arpeggio)
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Index; 1.1
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I recently found a good enough version of the Chapter 54.5 of the Manga and read it. Now I'm suffering for the most horrible 'What If?!' Syndrome I ever had. What you're going to see here is one of the things that my mind just refused to let go of, please bear with me and read it.
On SB.
One Missing Beat of Wings - 1.1
'Mou, how can he be such a dummy?' Kotono Amaha scowled slightly as she brushed her teeth in front of her bathroom's mirror. Being a student in such a prestige place like Japanese Maritime Institute of Technology had its perks, like a decent apartment and a scholarship that let her afford some pretty good things.
Like a new mobile phone, which was ringing at the moment.
Kotono twisted around and tried to reach for it, but it wasn't the best idea while standing on the small fluffy mat that had little to no traction with the floor.
*Thud*
Amaha's feet slipped with the mat and she tumbled right onto the floor face first, her long brown hair sprawling around her and the toothbrush falling right onto the back of her head.
"Owie..." She groaned and shakily started to get up. "This was embarrassing."
[Incoming Transmission...]
Amaha's eyes widened and her whole body shuddered, she grabbed the edge of the sink with her left hand to not fall down again.
'No...' She grabbed her head with her right hand and gritted her teeth, the look of fear and pain on her face as she struggled to maintain her balance. 'Go away!'
[Incoming Transmission...]
'Leave me alone!' She could feel as the alien presence in her mind was growing more insistent. 'I said, get out!' Her whole body shuddered. 'I don't know what you want and I don't care, get out of my head!' She roared and with the force of pure will forced the presence to retreat back to wherever it came from.
Amaha released a shaky breath.
'Too close...' She thought, as she released the edge of the sink, only to wince as she saw the cracks that formed from the force of her grip. 'I almost lost it...' She looked at her hand that almost broke her sink, the feat that no normal human could accomplish.
"I'm Kotono Amaha." She said to herself. "I'm Kotono Amaha and no one else." She clenched her fist and took a deep breath, her brown eyes were shining with resolve.
She knew that lately the assaults were getting stronger, but each and every time she drove them off with her will. She didn't know how long she would be able to hold, how long she would be able to shield herself from whatever was trying to connect with her but each and every time she started to doubt herself she remembered just why she was fighting back.
'Gunzō, Sō, my friends.' She smiled slightly. She wasn't alone anymore, she had friends who she cherished and a bright future in front of her, she would not let this go.
"I always believe in you."
'You dummy...' Her smile widened as the image of her black-haired friend floated in front of her eyes. 'I really want to believe in myself just as much as you believe in me.'
She will hold herself together, she won't let whatever it was overtake her.
At first she thought that she just had some vivid dreams where she was on board of the Yamato-Class Battleship, all alone and in her nightie, which was also pretty weird but she wrote it off as her desire to be out in the sea, maybe with Gunzō if she would be lucky but she knew that it would be impossible with him wanting his own ship and crew...
Then, one night, she saw it...
Just from the corner of her eye, a figure clad in a spacesuit that strongly resembled the one that was used in an Apollo missions, she looked it up in the library. It wasn't tall, about her chest level and was just standing near her bed, staring at her. Amaha was paralyzed with fear and couldn't even move under the gaze of whatever it was. Then it was disappeared like there just wasn't anything there in the first place, but she knew that that thing wasn't a hallucination or a dream, the presence that felt from it was real and made her want to just curl up in a ball and cry.
Something inside her clicked and her dreams became nightmares.
The knowledge that flowed into her mind was impossible, she was scared and lost during these episodes where she was on this ship that became more like a torture chamber to her. That metal titan of the sea felt like an extension of her being, like it was suppose to be there and she was the ship and her body was just something insignificant and weak that she should trow away.
First time it happened she woke up in cold sweat and with tears streaming down her face, and even when awake the feelings that she received from the ship didn't disappear like they did before.
She hated them.
She hated that damn ship.
She loathed the feeling of rightfulness the damn thing brought.
She despised how natural it felt to control every extension of the giant machine like it was her own body.
She couldn't stand the fact that she knew everything about the monstrosity that haunted her dreams, each millimeter of it hull, each bolt and wire, each weapon and system was part of her and she wasn't even able to delude herself that it was all her imagination.
Her whole being screamed at her that it was real.
But worth of all were the ideas that came with the connection.
The information that flooded her mind was overpowering and almost swallowed her whole if not for her will and because apparently the damn thing couldn't comprehend her feelings for her friends, for Gunzō in particular. Apparently the damn abomination was incapable of stomaching human's emotions and concepts such as friendship and love, Amaha was holding onto that last straw for her dear life and showed all her feeling and all her strongest memories that could arise such feelings into its metaphorical throat hoping that it would choke on them and die.
It worked, the thing stopped the process of... whatever it was doing with her and collapsed on itself. She didn't quite remember what it was trying to shove inside her mind and why and she honestly didn't care because she at that time had something more important to think about. She was still herself, she was till Kotono Amaha and whatever this thing was trying to do with her didn't stick, she didn't stop being herself and it was a small relief but her main concern was still valid. Something tried to kill her, strip her of her own identity and load her with something that would've make her not herself anymore, she was sure about it and it made her sick because after careful and very gentle prodding of the link she found out some remains of the thing.
She found out who was the person in the spacesuit.
The holder of the Admiralty Code.
The person who tried to ruin her life and take her away from everything she knew and loved.
She was horrified when she found out just what the 'Integration Program' would have done with her. it would have stripped her of her identity, leaving all the memories intact but replacing her soul, for the lack of better word, with the identity of the Fog-ship making her nothing but a shade of her former being restricted by the goals that everyone else in the Fleet had. She wouldn't have been Amaha anymore, just a husk with her memories and personality but absolutely different core of her being, a twisted reflection of herself.
She locked herself in the bathroom and cried for the rest for the night after finding this out, she almost died because whatever would have come out of the process wouldn't have been Kotono Amaha, just a mockery, a parody of her, twisted by the system and hardwired to be one of the Fleet of Fog without any actual freedom to chose her won future.
'No.' She wiped the tear that rolled down her cheek, and walked towards her closet to get dressed. 'It didn't happen and it wouldn't happen, I would sooner die than I would let it get me.' She was still fighting off the strange connection that was trying to establish itself with her but she was able to fight it off, she wasn't going to take any chances with the Fleet of Fog, she wasn't going to surrender without a fight.
It will be a strictly Kotona Amaha/Chihaya Gunzō and nothing more.
On SB.
One Missing Beat of Wings - 1.1
'Mou, how can he be such a dummy?' Kotono Amaha scowled slightly as she brushed her teeth in front of her bathroom's mirror. Being a student in such a prestige place like Japanese Maritime Institute of Technology had its perks, like a decent apartment and a scholarship that let her afford some pretty good things.
Like a new mobile phone, which was ringing at the moment.
Kotono twisted around and tried to reach for it, but it wasn't the best idea while standing on the small fluffy mat that had little to no traction with the floor.
*Thud*
Amaha's feet slipped with the mat and she tumbled right onto the floor face first, her long brown hair sprawling around her and the toothbrush falling right onto the back of her head.
"Owie..." She groaned and shakily started to get up. "This was embarrassing."
[Incoming Transmission...]
Amaha's eyes widened and her whole body shuddered, she grabbed the edge of the sink with her left hand to not fall down again.
'No...' She grabbed her head with her right hand and gritted her teeth, the look of fear and pain on her face as she struggled to maintain her balance. 'Go away!'
[Incoming Transmission...]
'Leave me alone!' She could feel as the alien presence in her mind was growing more insistent. 'I said, get out!' Her whole body shuddered. 'I don't know what you want and I don't care, get out of my head!' She roared and with the force of pure will forced the presence to retreat back to wherever it came from.
Amaha released a shaky breath.
'Too close...' She thought, as she released the edge of the sink, only to wince as she saw the cracks that formed from the force of her grip. 'I almost lost it...' She looked at her hand that almost broke her sink, the feat that no normal human could accomplish.
"I'm Kotono Amaha." She said to herself. "I'm Kotono Amaha and no one else." She clenched her fist and took a deep breath, her brown eyes were shining with resolve.
She knew that lately the assaults were getting stronger, but each and every time she drove them off with her will. She didn't know how long she would be able to hold, how long she would be able to shield herself from whatever was trying to connect with her but each and every time she started to doubt herself she remembered just why she was fighting back.
'Gunzō, Sō, my friends.' She smiled slightly. She wasn't alone anymore, she had friends who she cherished and a bright future in front of her, she would not let this go.
"I always believe in you."
'You dummy...' Her smile widened as the image of her black-haired friend floated in front of her eyes. 'I really want to believe in myself just as much as you believe in me.'
She will hold herself together, she won't let whatever it was overtake her.
At first she thought that she just had some vivid dreams where she was on board of the Yamato-Class Battleship, all alone and in her nightie, which was also pretty weird but she wrote it off as her desire to be out in the sea, maybe with Gunzō if she would be lucky but she knew that it would be impossible with him wanting his own ship and crew...
Then, one night, she saw it...
Just from the corner of her eye, a figure clad in a spacesuit that strongly resembled the one that was used in an Apollo missions, she looked it up in the library. It wasn't tall, about her chest level and was just standing near her bed, staring at her. Amaha was paralyzed with fear and couldn't even move under the gaze of whatever it was. Then it was disappeared like there just wasn't anything there in the first place, but she knew that that thing wasn't a hallucination or a dream, the presence that felt from it was real and made her want to just curl up in a ball and cry.
Something inside her clicked and her dreams became nightmares.
The knowledge that flowed into her mind was impossible, she was scared and lost during these episodes where she was on this ship that became more like a torture chamber to her. That metal titan of the sea felt like an extension of her being, like it was suppose to be there and she was the ship and her body was just something insignificant and weak that she should trow away.
First time it happened she woke up in cold sweat and with tears streaming down her face, and even when awake the feelings that she received from the ship didn't disappear like they did before.
She hated them.
She hated that damn ship.
She loathed the feeling of rightfulness the damn thing brought.
She despised how natural it felt to control every extension of the giant machine like it was her own body.
She couldn't stand the fact that she knew everything about the monstrosity that haunted her dreams, each millimeter of it hull, each bolt and wire, each weapon and system was part of her and she wasn't even able to delude herself that it was all her imagination.
Her whole being screamed at her that it was real.
But worth of all were the ideas that came with the connection.
The information that flooded her mind was overpowering and almost swallowed her whole if not for her will and because apparently the damn thing couldn't comprehend her feelings for her friends, for Gunzō in particular. Apparently the damn abomination was incapable of stomaching human's emotions and concepts such as friendship and love, Amaha was holding onto that last straw for her dear life and showed all her feeling and all her strongest memories that could arise such feelings into its metaphorical throat hoping that it would choke on them and die.
It worked, the thing stopped the process of... whatever it was doing with her and collapsed on itself. She didn't quite remember what it was trying to shove inside her mind and why and she honestly didn't care because she at that time had something more important to think about. She was still herself, she was till Kotono Amaha and whatever this thing was trying to do with her didn't stick, she didn't stop being herself and it was a small relief but her main concern was still valid. Something tried to kill her, strip her of her own identity and load her with something that would've make her not herself anymore, she was sure about it and it made her sick because after careful and very gentle prodding of the link she found out some remains of the thing.
She found out who was the person in the spacesuit.
The holder of the Admiralty Code.
The person who tried to ruin her life and take her away from everything she knew and loved.
She was horrified when she found out just what the 'Integration Program' would have done with her. it would have stripped her of her identity, leaving all the memories intact but replacing her soul, for the lack of better word, with the identity of the Fog-ship making her nothing but a shade of her former being restricted by the goals that everyone else in the Fleet had. She wouldn't have been Amaha anymore, just a husk with her memories and personality but absolutely different core of her being, a twisted reflection of herself.
She locked herself in the bathroom and cried for the rest for the night after finding this out, she almost died because whatever would have come out of the process wouldn't have been Kotono Amaha, just a mockery, a parody of her, twisted by the system and hardwired to be one of the Fleet of Fog without any actual freedom to chose her won future.
'No.' She wiped the tear that rolled down her cheek, and walked towards her closet to get dressed. 'It didn't happen and it wouldn't happen, I would sooner die than I would let it get me.' She was still fighting off the strange connection that was trying to establish itself with her but she was able to fight it off, she wasn't going to take any chances with the Fleet of Fog, she wasn't going to surrender without a fight.
-=(0-0)=-
[Joint Tactical Network: Establishing Connection with Unit-|Yamato|...]
[Joint Tactical Network: Critical Error]
[Joint Tactical Network: Connection Failed]
[Joint Tactical Network: Unknown Corrupted Data Received Through the Failed Connection]
[Joint Tactical Network: Decoding Unknown Data...]
[Joint Tactical Network: Decoding Failed]
[Joint Tactical Network: Terminating the Link...]
[Joint Tactical Network: Link Terminated]
[Joint Tactical Network: Waiting for the Authorization for Creating a New Link with Unit-|Yamato|...]
[Joint Tactical Network: Critical Error]
[Joint Tactical Network: Connection Failed]
[Joint Tactical Network: Unknown Corrupted Data Received Through the Failed Connection]
[Joint Tactical Network: Decoding Unknown Data...]
[Joint Tactical Network: Decoding Failed]
[Joint Tactical Network: Terminating the Link...]
[Joint Tactical Network: Link Terminated]
[Joint Tactical Network: Waiting for the Authorization for Creating a New Link with Unit-|Yamato|...]
-=(0-0)=-
A/N: So, any comments? I know that the beginning sucks, but I hope to pick up some speed later because this was the best I could manage with this particular mine filled plot-bunny.
Last edited:
TheBleachDoctor
Secretly a Cat
- Location
- The Plane of Infinite Kittens
- Pronouns
- She/Her
I like it. You misspelled some things though.
- Location
- Russia; Saint-Petersburg
Can you pont them out please? I'm using an inbuilt corrector for spell-check and... It sucks...
Last edited:
TheBleachDoctor
Secretly a Cat
- Location
- The Plane of Infinite Kittens
- Pronouns
- She/Her
GladlyCan you pint them out please? I'm using an inbuilt corrector for spell-check and... It sucks...
I recently found a good enough version of the Chapter 54.5 of the Manga and read it. Now I'm suffering for the most horrible 'What If?!' Syndrome I ever had. What you're going to see here is one of the things that my mind just refused to let go of, please bear with me and read it.
It will be a strictly Kotona Amaha/Chihaya Gunzō and nothing more.
On SB.
Index:
- One Missing Beat of Wings: 1.1;
One Missing Beat of Wings - 1.1
'Mou, how can he be such a dummy?' Kotono Amaha scowled slightly as she brushed her teeth in front of her bathroom's mirror. Being a student in such a prestige place like Japanese Maritime Institute of Technology had its perks, like a decent apartment and a scholarship that let her afford some pretty good things.
Like a new mobile phone, which was ringing at the moment.
Kotono twisted around and tried to reach for it, but it wasn't the best idea while standing on the small fluffy mat that had little to no traction with the floor.
*Thud*
Amaha's feet slipped with the mat and she tumbled right onto the floor face first, her long brown hair sprawling around her and the toothbrush falling right onto the back of her head.
"Owie..." She groaned and shakily started to get up. "This was embarrassing."
[Incoming Transmission...]
Amaha's eyes widened and her whole body shuddered, she grabbed the edge of the sink with her left hand to not fall down again.
'No...' She grabbed her head with her right hand and gritted her teeth, the look of fear and pain on her face as she struggled to maintain her balance. 'Go away!'
[Incoming Transmission...]
'Leave me alone!' She could feel as the alien presence in her mind was growing more insistent. 'I said, get out!' Her whole body shuddered. 'I don't know what you want and I don't care, get out of my head!' She roared and with the force of pure will forced the presence to retreat back to wherever it came from.
Amaha released a shaky breath.
'Too close...' She thought, as she released the edge of the sink, only to wince as she saw the cracks that formed from the force of her grip. 'I almost lost it...' She looked at her hand that almost broke her sink, the feat that no normal human could accomplish.
"I'm Kotono Amaha." She said to herself. "I'm Kotono Amaha and no one else." She clenched her fist and took a deep breath, her brown eyes were shining with resolve.
She knew that lately the assaults were getting stronger, but each and every time she drove them off with her will. She didn't know how long she would be able to hold, how long she would be able to shield herself from whatever was trying to connect with her but each and every time she started to doubt herself she remembered just why she was fighting back.
'Gunzō, Sō, my friends.' She smiled slightly. She wasn't alone anymore, she had friends who she cherished and a bright future in front of her, she would not let this go.
"I always believe in you."
'You dummy...' Her smile widened as the image of her black-haired friend floated in front of her eyes. 'I really want to believe in myself just as much as you believe in me.'
She will hold herself together, she won't let whatever it was overtake her.
At first she thought that she just had some vivid dreams where she was on board of the Yamato-Class Battleship, all alone and in her nightie, which was also pretty weird but she wrote it off as her desire to be out in the sea, maybe with Gunzō if she would be lucky but she knew that it would be impossible with him wanting his own ship and crew...
Then, one night, she saw it...
Just from the corner of her eye, a figure clad in a spacesuit that strongly resembled the one that was used in an Apollo missions, she looked it up in the library. It wasn't tall, about her chest level and was just standing near her bed, staring at her. Amaha was paralized with fear and couldn't even move under the gaze of whatever it was. Then it was disappeared like there just wasn't anything there in the first place, but she knew that that thing wasn't a hallucination or a dream, the presence that felt from it was real and made her want to just curl up in a ball and cry.
Something inside her clicked and her dreams became nightmares.
The knowledge that flowed into her mind was impossible, she was scared and lost during these episodes where she was on this ship that became more like a torture chamber to her. That metall titan of the sea felt like an extension of her being, like it was suppose to be there and she was the ship and her body was just something insignificant and weak that she should trow away.
First time it happened she woke up in cold sweat and with tears streaming down her face, and even when awake the feelings that she received from the ship didn't disappear like they did before.
She hated them.
She hated that damn ship.
She loathed the feeling of rightfulness the damn thing brought.
She despised how natural it felt to control every extension of the giant machine like it was her own body.
She couldn't stand the fact that she knew everything about the monstrosity that haunted her dreams, each milimetr of it hull, each bolt and wire, each weapon and system was part of her and she wasn't even able to delude herself that it was all her imagination.
Her whole being screamed at her that it was real.
But worth of all were the ideas that came with the connection.
The information that flooded her mind was overpowering and almost swallowed her whole if not for her will and because apparently the damn thing couldn't comprehend her feelings for her friends, for Gunzō in particular. Apparently the damn abomination was incapable of stomaching human's emotions and concepts such as friendship and love, Amaha was holding onto that last straw for her dear life and showed all her feeling and all her strongest memories that could arise such feelings into its metaphorical throat hoping that it would choke on them and die.
It worked, the thing stopped the process of... whatever it was doing with her and collapsed on itself. She didn't quite remember what it was trying to shove inside her mind and why and she honestly didn't care because she at that time had something more important to think about. She was still herself, she was till Kotono Amaha and whatever this thing was trying to do with her didn't stick, she didn't stop being herself and it was a small relief but her main concern was still valid. Something tried to kill her, strip her of her own identity and load her with something that would've make her not herself anymore, she was sure about it and it made her sick because after careful and very gentle prodding of the link she found out some remains of the thing.
She found out who was the person in the spacesuit.
The holder of the Admiralty Code.
The person who tried to ruin her life and take her away from everything she knew and loved.
She was horrified when she found out just what the 'Integration Program' would have done with her. it would have stripped her of her identity, leaving all the memories intact but replacing her soul, for the lack of better word, with the identity of the Fog-ship making her nothing but a shade of her former being restricted by the goals that everyone else in the Fleet had. She wouldn't have been Amaha anymore, just a husk with her memories and personality but absolutely different core of her being, a twisted reflection of herself.
She locked herself in the bathroom and cried for the rest for the night after finding this out, she almost died because whatever would have come out of the process wouldn't have been Kotono Amaha, just a mockery, a parody of her, twisted by the system and hardwired to be one of the Fleet of Fog without any actual freedom to chose her won future.
'No.' She wiped the tear that rolled down her cheek, and walked towards her closet to get dressed. 'It didn't happen and it wouldn't happen, I would sooner die than I would let it get me.' She was still fighting off the strange connection that was trying to establish itself with her but she was able to fight it off, she wasn't going to take any chances with the Fleet of Fog, she wasn't going to surrender without a fight.
-=(0-0)=-
[Joint Tactical Network: Establishing Connection with Unit-|Yamato|...]
[Joint Tactical Network: Critical Error]
[Joint Tactical Network: Connection Failed]
[Joint Tactical Network:Unknown Corrupted Data Received Through the Failed Connection]
[Joint Tactical Network: Decoding Unknown Data...]
[Joint Tactical Network: Decoding Failed]
[Joint Tactical Network: Terminating the Link...]
[Joint Tactical Network: Link Terminated]
[Joint Tactical Network: Waiting for the Authorization for Creating a New Link with Unit-|Yamato|...]-=(0-0)=-
A/N: So, any comments? I know that the beginning sucks, but I hope to pick up some speed later because this was the best I could manage with this particular mine filled plot-bunny.
- Location
- Russia; Saint-Petersburg
Thank you!
Ehhh... And if I am?
- Location
- Russia; Saint-Petersburg
Don't take it literally, it just a figure of speech.
Fixed.
Baughn
Healing-type writer
- Location
- Dublin
You risk a glitch destroying your work. It's supposed to be autosaved on SV, but it still isn't a good idea.Ehhh... And if I am?
Google docs works pretty well, especially once you get a beta—the collaboration features are top-notch. Alternately, I guess I can recommend Scrivener.
Another reason? If your only copy is in here, that makes it hard to review your work.
Last edited:
Using any text editor is probably better, yeah. Would suck if the internet temporarily broke, SV dropped offline for a moment or something, and everything got lost. (Among possible ways ones work might get lost) Aside of the other reccommendations If one is more comfortable with something more traditional then those, one could use Libreoffice, which is free; so one could try that easily as well.
ThatJerk
SPACE ☆DANDY
Critique: You might want to vary your Pronouns and delivery / sentence structure more. The shock value of "She [verb]" kinda lost its magic when used it repeatedly during the segue where Kotono is terrified of the thought of being assimilated back into The Fog. Conversely, it would have been just as much a downer to see "Kotono [verb]" constantly. Some minimalist 3rd-person omniscient narratives can get away with it using charming dialogue, but even then it needs to be exercised with moderation.
Idiom: Variety is the spice of life. There is a rhythm and tone to storytelling, your "Voice" so to speak. Mine tends to be colored by almost rambling irreverence, procrastination, self-deprecation, and spastic bursts of activity, like a hyperactive kid, before entering a serious, almost adult-like Monk mode. The best audio-visual illustration of it would be an episode of Hideaki Sorachi's Gintama.
Opinion: I don't mind minimalist narratives, as they can deliver stories in a very succinct and lively manner. One of my recent favorites hails from this particular light novel: http://www.baka-tsuki.org/project/index.php?title=Tate_no_Yuusha_no_Nariagari
However, you can also fall into the pit of 4th grade English-level narratives where it's a long string of He said, She said, etc., and the reader just doesn't care anymore about the narration. They end up fast-forwarding through everything and just want to get to the dialogue.
Observation: The works of the authors with the strongest dramatic narratives around these parts are without a doubt - Ford Prefect, Aleph, FBH, Academia Nut, and EarthScorpion. If you're looking for something more with a witty, badman slant, there's The Ero-Sennin and Peptuck. And if you're looking for somebody who is super prolific, look no further than Ryuugi on SpaceBattles.
Confession: ...I suspect Ryuugi is a cybernetic writing machine from the future, harnessed in a shell of meat and bone. I really respect his work on The Games We Play, but man, do I turn my brain off and roll my eyes when he starts infodumping on us hardcore about game mechanics, which is coincidentally what the fans want.
Statement: You must proceed onward. Self-improvement only comes through effort and self-study. Also, you should go read this: http://forums.sufficientvelocity.com/threads/on-plotting-and-theming-writing-advice.12421/
Idiom: Variety is the spice of life. There is a rhythm and tone to storytelling, your "Voice" so to speak. Mine tends to be colored by almost rambling irreverence, procrastination, self-deprecation, and spastic bursts of activity, like a hyperactive kid, before entering a serious, almost adult-like Monk mode. The best audio-visual illustration of it would be an episode of Hideaki Sorachi's Gintama.
Opinion: I don't mind minimalist narratives, as they can deliver stories in a very succinct and lively manner. One of my recent favorites hails from this particular light novel: http://www.baka-tsuki.org/project/index.php?title=Tate_no_Yuusha_no_Nariagari
However, you can also fall into the pit of 4th grade English-level narratives where it's a long string of He said, She said, etc., and the reader just doesn't care anymore about the narration. They end up fast-forwarding through everything and just want to get to the dialogue.
Observation: The works of the authors with the strongest dramatic narratives around these parts are without a doubt - Ford Prefect, Aleph, FBH, Academia Nut, and EarthScorpion. If you're looking for something more with a witty, badman slant, there's The Ero-Sennin and Peptuck. And if you're looking for somebody who is super prolific, look no further than Ryuugi on SpaceBattles.
Confession: ...I suspect Ryuugi is a cybernetic writing machine from the future, harnessed in a shell of meat and bone. I really respect his work on The Games We Play, but man, do I turn my brain off and roll my eyes when he starts infodumping on us hardcore about game mechanics, which is coincidentally what the fans want.
Statement: You must proceed onward. Self-improvement only comes through effort and self-study. Also, you should go read this: http://forums.sufficientvelocity.com/threads/on-plotting-and-theming-writing-advice.12421/
TheBleachDoctor
Secretly a Cat
- Location
- The Plane of Infinite Kittens
- Pronouns
- She/Her
Are you still doing this?
- Location
- Russia; Saint-Petersburg
TheBleachDoctor
Secretly a Cat
- Location
- The Plane of Infinite Kittens
- Pronouns
- She/Her
So is this going to turn into a story about Kotono overwriting the Yamato and sailing away with Gunzou?
- Location
- Russia; Saint-Petersburg
Do you really want the Spoiler? If you answer 'Yes' then I'll tell, but be warned, it's a part of the end-plot.
TheBleachDoctor
Secretly a Cat
- Location
- The Plane of Infinite Kittens
- Pronouns
- She/Her
Then I'll wait.
1.2
- Location
- Russia; Saint-Petersburg
One Missing Beat of Wings - 1.2
'This is a chore...' Amaha growled as she walked over one of the main Canons of the damned ship she was now connected to. She always dreamed about going out into the sea, sailing along with Gunzō and maybe even Sō, working to protect what was left of the humanity and retrieve what was stolen from it…
"This is humiliating." She wasn't sure if it was some kind of a karma or she simply was being punished for refusing to budge on who she really was but apparently as soon as she defeated that thing that was trying to take her over everything on the ship stopped working. It stopped moving, reacting and even the lights weren't blinking anymore as if the whole damn thing just died.
But she knew better, because as long as she was alive then this thing would be too.
The problem was that as soon as she tried to sleep she appeared on this giant drifting titan all alone and without anything or anyone telling what exactly she had to do to get it to work. Oh, how did she wanted to simply let it sink and forget that this whole ordeal ever happened but no matter how hard she tried there always would be a part of her, the cold logical one that she had to develop due to nature of her studies, that told her that this giant machine could be an asset that would prove to be infinitely useful to her and to her friends.
That's why she didn't dare to destroy it, because as long as it could be useful she would endure its presence, she would tolerate its existence and maybe, just maybe she would be able to someday open up to people and tell them about it. Amaha never felt tired since that day, she suspected but never found the confirmation of the fact that her actual needs and requirements of her body were artificially generated by whatever program was used to make her believe that she was human in the first place. Now, when it was gone and probably unsalvageable she had no need to sleep, eat or go to the toilet and apparently it also removed some kind of a limiter on her mind and perception because she now had what people called a perfect recall along with the keenest senses of sight, touch and hearing.
"Get out!" She screamed as she ran at the whole damn flock of seagulls that decided to make one of the Cannon's muzzle into their improvised nest. "This is a Battleship, not a nesting grounds!"
Apparently the ship had some kind of a maintenance program that crashed and burned too because she never saw even a speck of dirt on it before in her dreams but now apparently she had to clean it herself. It wasn't fun to walk down one of the many walkways and suddenly step into a fresh pile bird crap with her bare foot, for whatever reason the ship was attracting the birds like a freaking magnet and it left her with no other choice but to get them to leave by herself.
*Splat*
Amaha slowly lifted her hand and touched the spot on her head that suddenly was hit by something, bringing the hand in front of her face she saw that the ends of her fingers had a very familiar whitish sludge on them. She dearly wish that she would be able to activate the Anti-Aircraft Turrets soon, she just had so many targets to practice on.
-=(0-0)=-
Amaha sat quietly in her class and doodled in her notebook, while she had no idea how to proceed further down the line it didn't mean she had to abandon her current goals. Finishing the Institute and being assigned onto a ship sounded wonderful and almost dreamy at first but with how things turned out recently she now had her doubts about actually succeeding.
Was she afraid of fighting the Fog? No, she knew more than anybody else what they all were against and she wouldn't show any fear or hesitation, no matter how fake her life was she will always consider herself Kotono Amaha, a human.
Was she afraid of telling her friends the truth? Yes, she was but in the end she didn't have a choice in that matter as it will only become harder and harder with time to take this step. As soon as she would be able to at least partially control the ship she would tell Gunzō and Sō the whole truth and go along with whatever decision they would come up with.
'Even if they would ask me to leave...' It hurt, even the thought of it, but after losing something dear to you there is no real way to take everything for granted anymore.
But it was not now and not here so she could wait and enjoy her life a little bit longer, could pretend that there wasn't anything worth mentioning about her private time and just smile and live as a person she is. It wasn't like she had a pressing matter to attend to anyway, the ship was as responsive as an empty tin can and there wasn't a way for her to do anything with it at the moment so she will just wait and see. She still had life and it wasn't controlled by the stupid ship and the invading forces of the similar ships that may or may not have human-like manifestations like…
'Oh, no.' Amaha suddenly straightened and almost fell down from her chair as her eyes widened, the sudden idea that struck her like a lightning bolt managed to almost cause her to forget her own concerns.
What if she wasn't the only one?
She carefully looked around the room from the corner of her eye, sitting on the last raw was one of the things she recently started doing just now payed up and she was able to see each and every student present today. Can she be not the only one? Well, theoretically she could see the whole picture as it would have been a logical act to seed a lot of sleeping agents around the world to collect as much information as possible, it was possible. It left a question, was she the only one whose life was fake and who was left to spy on people without even knowing of her role as an enemy's drone in this area or were there others who still didn't know the truth?
Could they impersonate anyone?
Young? Old? Men? Women?
Families?
She tightened her grip on her pencil and looked around again, this time she was focusing on everything that was happening in the class and how her classmates were interacting. Was she being too paranoid? Maybe, but if it was something that she had to do to not get destroyed or killed then it was more self-preservation than anything else.
'This whole thing just got a lot harder, didn't it?' Amaha slumbered in her seat and put her forehead on the desk, things just wasn't looking up for her today.
-=(0-0)=-
"Move." Amaha growled as she tried with all her will to make the small AA-Turret in front of her at least twitch. "I order you!"
Nothing.
She tried to meditate but it simply led her to learning how to imitate a statue better than those painted guys she saw on the pictures. She tried to get angry, last time it worked, even if it resulted in Cannon blasting her over the rails and into the sea, but there simply wasn't any reaction whatsoever. She tried to will the things to move but it only resulted in her looking constipated and thanking whatever Deity that was looking over her that she was alone at that time.
She even tried to physically push the Turret's barrel but it didn't even as much a budged, she was getting fed up with this whole damn thing and as much as she thought of the ship as an asset, with it being nothing but a big pile of what it was made of there certainly wasn't any actual use from it. She didn't even know where was is stationed because the navigation system or whatever it had to function as such was dead too, the only thing it could do was to float around and that was pretty much it.
'It's not fair!' Amaha collapsed on her butt and leaned against the railings with a tired sigh escaping her lips. It was already two weeks since she was aware of the true nature of this thing and no matter what she did it simply didn't react to anything she tried.
Amaha's current theory was that she would be able to use what sensors this thing had to detect other sleeping agents of the Fog, she had no illusions that she would be able to save them like she somehow managed to save herself but it wouldn't stop her from at least trying. If there was even a small chance that she would be able to remove someone from the ranks of the enemy's army and add them to at least a neutral side it was worth trying. On the other hand, if whatever placed her there in the first place was smart enough to come up with such a twisted and ingenious plan then whatever it was probably already fixed whatever glitch that let Amaha escape.
Seeing it once didn't give even the smallest insight on the true nature of the Admiralty Code, whatever it was it certainly didn't want to reveal itself to anyone.
'I need help...' That was what she knew but it was also something that she couldn't bring herself to ask for.
-=(0-0)=-
A/N: Well, here it is! Please Review, Criticize, Suggest how to Improve, Comment, everything is welcomed!
TheBleachDoctor
Secretly a Cat
- Location
- The Plane of Infinite Kittens
- Pronouns
- She/Her
It's alive!
And as good as ever!
And as good as ever!
- Location
- Russia; Saint-Petersburg
Yep and soon there will be more!
OtH:HtC is next!
She's switching between two bodies, one goes to sleep while the other wakes up.
jwolfe_beta
Semi Genre-Savvy Overlord
- Location
- Canada
The thing is that as far as I can tell Amaha is Yamato at the core.
Problem is that she doesn't think she is (guess she wiped her MM's memory and replaced it with a cover identity) and when her second core attempted to communicate she kind of crashed herself.
As for recruiting any Fog ships, as far as any of them will be concerned, Yamato's gone cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs. As a result I suspect that any communications will be rather difficult. Particularly since she refuses/can't log on to the Joint Tactical Network which they all use to 'talk' to each other.
Problem is that she doesn't think she is (guess she wiped her MM's memory and replaced it with a cover identity) and when her second core attempted to communicate she kind of crashed herself.
As for recruiting any Fog ships, as far as any of them will be concerned, Yamato's gone cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs. As a result I suspect that any communications will be rather difficult. Particularly since she refuses/can't log on to the Joint Tactical Network which they all use to 'talk' to each other.
Battleship_Fusou
(The Itty-Bitty Pretty Battleship Kitty)
- Location
- Surigao Strait
It lives! *squee!*