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Only the Caged Bird Is Free (Naruto AU)
- Thread starter Chandagnac
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Introduction and Index
Chandagnac
Broken Robot
- Location
- Nowhere
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1. My Mistake
Chandagnac
Broken Robot
- Location
- Nowhere
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- Location
- The U.P.
Its a good start and a new premise that I haven't seen before. I could see the different takes on what Hiashi did. Officially he is a missing nin and dishonored his family and clan. But in private I could see him becoming a folk hero that is still fighting the good fight against Kumo. In a shocking change Neji could grow up wanting to be like his uncle after hearing stories about how much he sacrificed to save his family and his brother.
Chandagnac
Broken Robot
- Location
- Nowhere
Thank you very much for your kind words. I like that idea for how Neji might be influenced by Hiashi's actions in this story.
I use single quotation marks because I'm British.
According to www.gsbe.co.uk I'm not necessarily wrong to do so:
Nope. "Sneaked" is correct.
Here's a quote from dictionary.reference.com to explain why:
I don't think I have "a regular tendency to use present tense words for past tense", but if you can see any actual examples please let me know.
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Ah, this brings back good and extremely messed up memories, glad you liked it!
I recall reading this snippet sometime ago and liking it. This is a very clever twist on a point in canon that is sometimes ignored or used poorly.
This line does feel a bit odd given the issue most seem to have with Hinata was that she was too weak to be a clan head, despite having absurd radius for her Byakugan.
Anyway, the descriptions were solid, you managed to set the tone expertly, and I loved how he points out the, rather obvious, flaw in their insane plan and his brothers motivations, but retained a sense of uncertainty in himself which gives a more humanising factor.
Best of luck with the next chapter!
Corvus Black
The Inestimable
- Location
- England
Can't say I've ever seen an AU with this concept before, though as you say it does make sense once you look past the fact that Naruto is a shōnen manga.
I will watch this with interest, and look forward to seeing what plans Hiashi comes up with and the effect this has on Hinata and Neji.
I will watch this with interest, and look forward to seeing what plans Hiashi comes up with and the effect this has on Hinata and Neji.
Oh I am slain!
Wynaut?
- Location
- Tatooine
*typo: The clan
[There may be more, but this was the only one that disrupted my reading.]
Kids are scary. Ninja kids probably doubly so.
Man, I adore the premise.
It guarantees that we'll eventually get to see a series of powerful, oddball ninjas get sent after Hiashi, and each of them can have a story of their own to tell. There's something very classical and badass about it. I forget whether there's a name for it, but it's a subtype of the Hero's Journey.
It also sets up an overarching goal for Hiashi--revenge on Kumo--which provides structure.
Meanwhile, there's lots of other material ripe for exploration, like the concepts of family, clan, nation, exile, etc. Hiashi is the kind of person who would be exceedingly observant and insightful, yet still has lots of space for personal development.
And the traveling aspect allows for us to see more of your strength at world-building. I'm grinning just from thinking about what you might do with it.
One thing that I am a bit hesitant about is whether you're moving the development too fast on some details, such as Hiashi writing down his thoughts on the weaknesses of the jūken. I feel hesitant, since on one hand, it does help establish the kind of character Hiashi is and attract us short-attention-span readers. But on the other hand, it might leave slightly less material for later on if Hiashi is already so self-aware and meticulous. (And on the third hand, this might not even be a problem, since I now can't immediately think of other examples of this problem in the first post off the top of my head. Perhaps Hiashi's series of thoughts on Hinata before saying goodbye to her?)
Whoops. I'm now rambling. One final thing: I'm not sure why I get the feeling from both Hedge Maze and this story that your characters have a tendency to either be very sensible or at least very internally logical. I personally enjoy it, though it might decrease the diversity of characters. (This is just an impression, and I may be suffering from memory biases.)
Anyway, I shamelessly love stories in fandoms I enjoy, even though I ought to support authors on putting greater efforts on their original works. So I'm very much looking forward to seeing more of this. :3
Chandagnac
Broken Robot
- Location
- Nowhere
I'm going to try and explain this with the help of a metaphor. So… it's like with musicians. Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart was a genius who wrote his first symphony when he was eight years old. However, he still needed time and experience to produce his best work; he didn't produce his most admired works until near the end of his life (he died in 1791, at the age of 35).
The vast majority of musicians do not start out with Mozart's instinctive genius, but a significant number still manage to achieve greatness by dint of sheer hard work and monumental effort.
Ninjas are a bit like that. Neji is a prodigy, incredibly talented from a very young age, quick to learn jūken techniques he hasn't even been taught yet. Hinata is less obviously talented and she suffers from having severe confidence issues, but with hard work she's capable of becoming an awesome ninja.
(In this fic, at least) there are factions within the Hyūga clan who do not want Hinata to become an awesome ninja. They would prefer it if she stayed weak because that would make it easier for them to advance their own agendas and put forward their own candidate(s) to be the next clan head. So they don't want Hinata to have the opportunity to grow strong and become a woman who would be worthy of being the next clan head. Even if they say they only want a strong clan head, it's because they want their own man in charge.
Thank you very much, Zam. I'm glad you like it.
Thank you! I hope I won't disappoint.
Thank you. I've changed it.
Heh. There'll be a huge bounty on Hiashi, so he'll spend a lot of time dodging various various bounty hunters.
I'm glad you're excited about this.
Hmm. Self-awareness is a trait I admire, so I tend to give it to my more heroic characters. (On the other hand, I tend to give my more complex villains the negative traits I see in myself, only distorted and exaggerated.)
Also, I think the "characters have a tendency to either be very sensible or at least very internally logical" thing is necessary because of the premise of this story. (In canon, Hiashi was forced to go along with something that I feel made no sense; in this story, he absolutely refuses to go along with it, so straight away he seems more sensible than in canon. However, what he does instead - becoming a missing-nin - is not exactly sensible. In order to have even a slender chance of getting away with his audacious plan, he needs to have a keenly calculating mind. Otherwise, he wouldn't survive for very long.
If you want characters who are crippled by their own flaws, trying to make the galaxy a better place without really understanding what they want or what they're doing, check out my Warhammer 40K fic, The Road to Disappointment. (Yeah… that's not much of a recommendation, but maybe it explains a few things, like why I prefer to write about more self-aware characters when I'm not writing that fic.)
The whole thing about Hiashi writing down his thoughts about the weaknesses of the jūken was meant to set up some later plot points, world-building, and conflict between Hiashi and other members of the Hyūga clan. More on that later.
Well, I suppose I'd better get to work continuing this, hadn't I?
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Hmm, yeah I can see that, some will naturally want a powerful clan head acting as their representative, like Hanabi, but other will naturally either want their own person being that rep or someone they can micro manage and control with ease, any minor dent to their pride can be countered by throwing the likes of Neji and Hanabi around to show Hyuga strength after all.
Thanks for the info!
No problem, thanks for the response and good luck with this story!
Corvus Black
The Inestimable
- Location
- England
Hanabi won't be in this story.
She is, in canon, 6 years younger than Hinata.
Oh dear... Thanks for the info though!