Nice Guy's Amazing adventures with those chaps he met from the Slaughterhouse

[fabledFreeboota]

Once upon a time a Nice Guy found himself joining a band of the most wonderful chaps he'd ever met. One Mr. Slash decided to let the fellow tag along on their wondrous and whimsical wanderings. Now, the delightful chap that nobody could bring themselves to hate regales us with the times he went on tour with them, the splendorous spoils of their sprees, and the quiet happy people that that naughty Protectorate won't let you get to know.

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Worm Pre/Through-Canon fic starring Nice Guy and his buddies in the Slaughterhouse 9. Occupies a nice little spoilerless slot of time, barring the powers of the 9's former colleagues. A ramble-athon from the mind of madness as told by a cross between Forrest Gump, The Silence, and Twoflower.

This was something I did for a bit of fun, churn it out in less than half an hour if I get going. For maximum enjoyment, read it in the voice of whatever wacky uncle you have.

Reposting here, but hey, I'm no chump, so we'll be having some edits as I use this as an opportunity to make some changes. If you want the full thing, hop on over to the dreaded SB, via this cunning link. NGAAWTCHMFTS

 

[fabledFreeboota]

So where do I start? Oh god yeah, the Slaughterhouse 9 attacking my home town. Damn shame. Goodbye Cumberland. You can piece together your houses but you can't piece together the community. Literally! Mr Roberts was in a good few sections. So i'm sitting there wondering, "Why am I even alive?"

And I look around and wouldn't you know it, Jack Slash is looking at me with concern. The fellow resembles that chap out of Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas. He looks at me like I'm turning into a lizard and he wants to make me aware of it.

"Are you ok there buddy? I swear you took a nasty tumble."

Ok, I'm thinking I just laugh this off. Maybe its another of his infamous games. So I just try and stay calm, play nice.

"Yeah sure, um, how are you doing?"

"Fine. One of my friends passed out around here, we thought it might be another parahuman."

Now this piques my interest of course, of all things, or at the very least I can distract him from cutting out my eyes, or my spleen, or my gonads, so I just ask him,

"Why's that?"

"Well, you see, most people get their powers from this thing called a trigger. Worst day of your life. But you black out, and when you wake up, BINGO! Superpowers. But yeah. We kinda need to find him before we all head off. Can't really have a new guy join the heroes. Can you imagine, they could have something really dangerous."

Now I'm not a fool, and I've heard of strangers, so I reckon, I blacked out, you black out when you get powers...at least, I think I've heard of strangers at this point. Can't really remember. But if I can follow Jack Slash, wait for the right moment, maybe I can kill him! This guy goes through thousands of people and I could be really famous, and rich, or at least get a pat on the back and a "Good on ya lad" from the heroes.

"Uhm ok, want me to help you find him?"

It's a damn pantomime as we open cabinets, check under cupboards, but damn it if every time I'm about to pull a knife on him he turns around, or leans down to check beneath a table. And I don't think I can kill a man in cold blood, even if he's a total monster. It's not even that, he just seems so, nice. He even complimented my curtains. So we went to sit down for a quick coffee and he talks shop and I have to say I can understand why the guy gets such a bad rap but he's got some real dedication to his job. He cracks a fast one about how the Protectorate are always on his ass about meeting dead-lines.

In the end he decides to leave. I give him his coat back from the rack but then the darndest thing happens. He up and invites me to dinner! Says the Nine are only like eight right about now so they've probably got a space open at the dinner table. Well, I was going to catch a flick with Daisy tonight but I'd mentioned that to Jack earlier and he'd said to give her a call. And would you believe it, she gurgled up blood, swore at me, got really needy and then just stopped talking altogether. So I grab my hat and pipe and we head out. Turns out I fell on my lighter but my buddy's got some matches, tells me not to sweat it.

We take a stroll down Main Street and it's a lot quieter than I remember. Eventually we find the bus and there's a little picnic set up. All around the blanket are some of the most interesting people I've ever met. Skinslip offered to shake my hand but it came straight off. He was wearing Daisy's face and you know, I think he rocked that look a lot better. Crimson had already filled up on blood and would you know he'd made an awful mess too. Winter was cleaning off his mouth. You'd swear she was his mother, not his girlfriend. I asked how long and it's a wonder the two aren't married. This little kid in an adorable grey uniform looked sad, said he didn't get to play today. Poor guy. Jack had to introduce me to Psychosoma, he didn't get on TV much but he was rocking the devil beard. I'm about halfway through a demonstration of one of his pet monsters when Jack wonders aloud about getting a new driver, says the last one got shot. So I volunteered!

Everybody's packing up when I realise, "I completely forgot my suitcase."

So Jack just asks Chuckles to give me a lift back and I get the fastest piggyback ride of my life. When we get there he even offers to help me pack after I struggle for a while. He closes the lid and says something under his breath. I say "I didn't quite catch that." and he frowns. I didn't mean to offend the poor guy. But I know what'll cheer him up, so I manage to dig out an old bike horn from the garage and he finds the damn thing a real hoot. We get back and Jack's all worried, says that someone else was at dinner that no-one knew.

"Golly, that's scary. You'd have thought I'd have noticed them. You think they're dangerous?"

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We're about 4 hours drive away when a police car stops us. Well they were parked, and a couple of PRT troopers were sitting a little bit back with their guns and grenades ready. An officer yelled us down with a megaphone. Asks me to wind down the window. Jack's riding passenger now and tries to hide, so I get my license and registration out, but I remember I'm not insured for the RV. He says it's alright anyway, I wasn't exactly speeding, and they've got bigger fish to fry. Asks if I've seen the Slaughterhouse 9. I tell him no, there's only eight of them right now. He reckons that's about right. Asks me how many of us are in the RV.

"Nine. We're going to Orlando. Room for one more if you want."

I flash him a smile. He waves us on. Turns to his partner and remarks what a Nice Guy I am.

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Hello there.

 

[The Magician]

Friendship is magic!

 

[fabledFreeboota]

It was at that time, rolling down the highway from my home of some 10 years, that I reflected on my bachelorly life. Dating had been a protracted, slow affair, and I'd not caught the eye of anyone save Daisy. Sure Skinslip wore her face and gave me a few looks but I know what side my toast's buttered, and it's not at all thank you, I'll just have some marmalade if you have any.

But that all changed when Mr. Slash finally introduced me to the love of my life. Her name was Screamer, and she was loud. You could hear her plain across the other side of town and she always had something to say. She was good at impressions, from Winston Churchill to the greater crested North-American swallow. Her eyes had a twinkle that I could scarcely describe, and when the two of us talked my heart beat faster than Chuckles with a blackjack. We talked about that scary guy that had been walking around with the 9, Jack had told us all he was still stalking around but said the guy probably wouldn't be a problem. After all, if he was following the 9 around, he had to be pretty crazy.

Food was a little sparse that night, they'd bought a bunch of tins back home and I'd packed some whiskey I'd been saving for a special occasion. I shared it with Screamer, asked her how she'd joined. She said the same way I did, but back when the King was still around. Now I'm not talking about Elvis, I'm talking about King. The psychopathic supervillain that set out one day with a dream, a beautiful dream to make superheroes look really. Really. Silly. He'd find all the wackiest villains he could, the ones with powers that nobody every thought were scary. People like that couldn't possibly fight the Protectorate. But King was a driven man. Not a driving man, he had Harbinger for that. No, he made people afraid when all he could do is not get hurt. If you touched him, then wham, you'd get hurt instead of him. Why, he once tried that on Alexandria herself. She'd punched him as hard as she could, flying as fast as she could, right in his jaw. And you wanna know what happened? She got knocked into low orbit! By her own punch! Took out cable for half of Alabama.

But they'd gotten smart about that, and he was getting pretty tired when he'd picked up the plucky young grey boy I'd met at the picnic. They called him Grey Boy. His 5th 13th birthday was in a few weeks, and Mr Slash had promised to take him to Disneyland. I'd never been to Florida before, but the heat was something, and I was glad I'd packed a few Hawaiian shirts I'd bought on my trip to Alaska. Anyway, Grey Boy was a little sad that he didn't get to grow up, and a little happy once I reminded him he was like Peter Pan. I'd made him a little hat with a feather in it that I plucked from some girl with wings Winter had killed. She really should've flown South. He ended up wearing that hat until it got knocked off by some Blaster in Jackson County. Grey Boy sat there in that crater of his, still wearing his little uniform and looking around for that hat, until that feather floated down out of nowhere. That kid was sad again for a long time, but he got the last laugh because he stuck that man in one of those funny little loops of his, gave him a pirate hat, and then hid a clock behind him so he could pretend he'd beaten Captain Hook. It was those loops that made King like him, cos King was safe from them, and then all the heroes were scared they'd not get killed. Which seemed a little silly given how they were after Mr. Slash and his 9 for killing people.

Now Screamer had been "volunteered" to join up so she could talk to everyone, kinda like a walkie talkie that you didn't have to hold, because she heard everything and could just parrot it back for each of us. She didn't like personal calls though, and couldn't do it very far, so she mostly stayed with the vehicle unless they were really sure there wasn't going to be a fight. Mostly she sulked cos the whole "Murder everyone in one town over the course of a few days" stopped her from doing this whole, Hitchcock horror movie thing with her victims, gaslighting them for months, driving them crazy, making em doubt her existence, and now she had to either run around manic trying to keep up with everyone else's efforts, or just give up. I mentioned how Jack picked me up back in my home, how we'd looked around for some new cape. She thought it was a bit funny, and asked if I might know who was following us. That's when I did something really stupid. I'd leaned in close to Screamer that night, planted a kiss on her cheek, and she'd blushed worse than Winter if you told her Crimson had left lipstick marks. Then she realised something, and I think it was the only time she'd ever really whispered.

"Are you that stranger?" She said.

I looked her deep in those eyes of hers and said, "I don't ever want to be a stranger to you."

She laughed and laughed and must've been using her power because everyone else came rushing, and she tried to tell them about how some stranger had kissed her, and everyone was running around looking scared. But Jack just leaned down and patted me on my shoulder, and told me the best advice I've ever had. Well, best advice I'd had at the time. By now I can barely remember it, something about how, if you really want something, you got to work for it, even if nobody notices what you do for it, but you can't ever get lazy, because if you make a fool of yourself, everybody's going to notice. Then he actually got around to asking me my name, and I think by that point I just was too damn embarrassed because all I could come up with was, "I'm just a Nice Guy. Isn't that enough?"

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What a Disgus- LOVELY PERSON.

 

[achaput]

Disneyland's in California. Disney World's in Florida.

 

[fabledFreeboota]

One day, Mr Slash took me to one side, and whispered that with that creepy stranger following us all, the 9 could really do with another member. Plus, there were only 8 of us, but 9 if you counted me. So he offered me a spot! Screamer said I should take it, Slip and Chuckles already liked me plenty. It turns out that joining the Slaughterhouse 9 is normally kinda like pledge week in college, they got a bunch of capes together and got them to kill each other until there was one left. Then they forced the last one to go through a bunch of really nasty dares, like getting tattoos or fighting the toughest, meanest guy they had. Still better than what I had to go through to join the D&D society. But seeing as how we'd not met another para-person, I got to skip straight to all the fun little challenges they had planned.

Crimson was first, wanting a double virgin bloodied Mary.

I think, on reflection, this probably counted for the first killing during my tenure in the 9. Or at least, first conscious permissing of the cessation of a human being. Manslaughter? Probably not, I mean he made it clear he wanted a drink, and I was probably already an accessory to murder from joining the 9 in and of itself.
But yes. Ingredients. The works. "...tomato juice, and combinations of other spices and flavorings including Worcestershire sauce, Tabasco sauce, piri piri sauce, beef consommé or bouillon, horseradish, celery, olives, salt, black pepper, cayenne pepper, lemon juice and/or celery salt."
And two virgins named Mary.

Now, I was able to haggle it down, as originally they were just wanting girls without practical experience, but I'd made a point in my favor about the star sign Virgo and that gave me a few more targets in the town they dropped me off in. Crimson gave me a three minute head start and a phonebook, and then he was after me. Anyone he touched he'd have to stop and eat, so I was able to just distract the bastard more often than not by tossing a man on the sidewalk towards him. Don't know how but he was able to follow me... Oh yeah that was Jack's idea, he had me bathe in barbecue sauce first so I'd taste more delicious if Crimson caught me.
So yeah, phone book, alphabetical order, and not very long before people started panicking as Crimson got bigger and bigger from that whole blood thing. Y'know, if he was around today he wouldn't last 5 seconds unless he came with an immunity to disease. Maybe he did? I seem to recall him being alright regardless of type, sickle cell, or comparable.
For the life of me, I can't recall which of the two was first. I think it was one Sarah Mary Conner first, found her and managed to convince her to come with me if she wanted to live. Told her something about just how unlikely it was Crimson would stop while he chased us. Cheating really, but I'd strung Jack and the others along with rules questions while I checked the addresses to find two who were close enough together. So thankfully I didn't have to carry her. Then it was about twelve or so false stops where it was pretty clear that they were a little old for that sort of descriptor to apply, although it still payed to ask, I mean Crimson was splatting anyone I'd met that didn't match up to standard. Up next was a young Mary Anne Summers, got her to follow to a bar, and Crim just bursts through the door, soaked in the viscera of the innocent, right as I've managed to get the tender out from hiding underneath his stool and crying about how the Slaughterhouse 9 were in town, to mix me up two Virgin Bloody Marys. Handed Crimson the glasses, he added the bloodied virgin Marys.

Now if you were thinking Crimson drank blood like a vampire in the films you'd be wrong. Seriously, what is up with those weird mosquito teeth? Nah, Crimson don't bite, just pulp and slurp. Splattered people with his strength and just sort of wormed around in the bits for a little while, or cracked them open and let it pour out. Not really that high pressure spray they sell you in a Tarantino film, lot of the time nothing's pumping it around anymore. Jack and the rest all burst through the door around that time, a little out of breath but nothing like what I've just been through, cardio really pays off and those morning jogs while the rest of the 9 just sort of sat around sure seemed like a great idea to carry on with. And that was about the time that Winter saw her boyfriend's swollen and pouty blood splattered lips, saw the nasty cocktails he was chugging, and dared me to give him a kiss. Jack Slash flashed. A smile. Not the Jack Junior, the Slasher, or whatever gross name he was alluding to it with at the time.
"Trial one has been passed. Winter has proposed Trial two."
"What? No I haven't."
"You asked him to. You know full well that we're recruiting this poor man and you were silly enough to waste your one request on a college initiation ritual. Nice Guy, you must now kiss Crimson. To his satisfaction. Or..." Jack paused, and flashed again. I really hoped that fly of his stayed shut this summer. "Winter will be permitted to murder you."
What the hell, thought I, and we pressed lips tighter than a welded plate. I used more tongue than a french foreign exchange student. And Crimson seemed to not exactly be a passive one. I made sure to flash those eyes at Winter. The "Oh, was this yours?" ones. Yeah. I could taste that aroma of Double 0 negative on him. Grey Boy started making faces, Skinslip looked jealous, Screamer looked impressed, and Jack was watching Winter's widening frown and sulk. I wouldn't have been surprised if he licked some of the sweat off her brow just to taste the salt, but I think Jack could subsist on ambient suffering alone. We broke off after some five minutes when he started getting a little... grabby. He and Winter ended up having a little fight later that eventually turned into another "Surprise attack of a Shaker on our RV", what the hey, but challenge 2 down, 6 to go. Quick succession.

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Dear god he's in the room!