They said the worlds of Fire Emblem couldn't get any funnier. They're about to be proven wrong, for better or worse, thanks to two of the great spoof masters. Guest-starring Steve Martin as Theodoric of York: Medieval...Jack-of-All-Trades...and "Weird Al" Yankovic as the head monk of 'the Order of Our Father of Perpetual Refrain'...
Mel Brooks's Monty Python and the Fire Emblem
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Prologue
*Disclaimer: I own nothing of Nintendo, Intelligent Systems, the work(s) of one Melvin Kaminsky and friends, or the work(s) of certain Misters Chapman, Idle, Gilliam, Jones, Cleese, and Palin. I'm just here to be amusing. Additionally, the events depicted are to be imagined in the visual style of DeviantArt user arktoons.*
It was dawn at Askr Castle as the Gatekeeper of Garreg Mach watched the sun rise over the hills from his position at the entrance. Though vigilance was always part of his duty, he made sure to take the time to take in sights like a sunrise, one of those little things that shouldn't be taken for granted. He soon found that he wasn't alone in his musings when the Summoner walked up to him with two steaming mugs in-hand.
"Greetings, Summoner!" the Gatekeeper said with a salute. "Nothing to report, so far."
"At ease, McCarley," the Summoner said in turn as he handed one of the mugs to the Gatekeeper in question. "And I've told you before, no need to be so formal with me. Kiran'll do just fine."
"Er, right, sorry about that," McCarley replied. "Force of habit."
"I hear that," Kiran concurred as the two 'clinked' their tea mugs before taking a sip and watching the sunrise. "Never get tired of this, given all that goes on here."
"You said it," McCarley affirmed, before a puzzled look appeared on his face. "You see that?"
Kiran squinted a bit as he looked in the distance. "Yeah, I do-looks like some guy running this way."
"Wonder what from?" McCarley asked.
Soon, the figure got closer and closer, his panting growing more audible by the minute. The two could now make out the figure occasionally giving brief looks back, as if trying to see if he was being followed, sometimes stumbling as he went. Finally, their concern grew when the man managed to reach their line of sight, at which point he nearly collapsed at their feet, only to be caught by a surprised Kiran. Unsure at first of what to do, McCarley then offered the panting man his cup of tea, which the man took and almost greedily drank in one gulp, the heat not getting to him at all.
Upon closer inspection, the man was old, with white hair and a white beard that went down to his upper chest. He wore a red robe with two white stripes that went down along each side, a small black strip inset on each; the red tunic underneath the robe was held in place by a large black-and-white striped belt, and the man wore sandals on his feet. He also carried a staff akin to the kind shepherds usually held.
Given the world he originated from, a thought soon occurred to Kiran. Why does this guy look like Moses? he wondered. And then it came to him-the way the old man appeared before them, his look...It all pointed to one thing. Oh, boy—just when I thought this multiverse couldn't surprise me anymore...!
McCarley, unaware of the Summoner's thoughts at the moment, was doing his best to help the old man be at ease. "Sir, are you okay? What happened? What were you running from?"
The old man dropped the empty mug and clutched desperately at the surprised McCarley's collar, before he answered him, in a nearly-hoarse voice, with one single word:
"It's—"
View: https://youtu.be/2AxiATxLofk
Author0fntent Proudly Presents:
Mel Brooks's Monty Python and the Fire Emblem
*Art by VGAfanatic.*
View: https://youtu.be/2AxiATxLofk
Author0fntent Proudly Presents:
Mel Brooks's Monty Python and the Fire Emblem
*Art by VGAfanatic.*
Last edited:
Pretty Fly, for a Rabbi
Vignette 1 - Pretty Fly, for a Rabbi
Kiran the Summoner, the Askran royal siblings, Commander Anna, and the contingent of Heroes they'd brought with them had set up camp in a wooded area following the recent skirmish with Emblian forces that they'd just won. Much to the joy of many among their number, Oscar of Tellius was on cooking duty. Others were passing the time either chatting, playing cards, or engaging in a bit of training with their weapons, magic, or otherwise. While Kiran was chatting with Anna and the siblings, the conversation was interrupted when they heard a noise in the distance. It was the sound of a small wagon being pulled along, as well as the wizened voice of its owner.
"I don't like the way you're walking..." they heard said owner admonish. "You've been into the sacramental wine again-you're fahsnickered! You drunken mule, you..."
The party soon saw the source of the voice as a mule pulling a two-wheeled wagon came into view. The wagon had loaded in its bed multiple casks of varying sizes, all labeled 'Sacramental Wine' (with some further labeled 'non-alcoholic'). At the reins was an old man, approximately in his late-fifties or early-sixties, wearing a black coat with a white collared undershirt, black pants and shoes, and a matching short-brimmed hat. He had a brown full beard with wisps of gray, and two brown curls stuck out and away from his sideburns.
The old man himself soon noticed the party looking at him, and pulled on the reins for his mule to stop. "Whoa, Morris, whoa," he commanded, causing the mule to halt.
Prince Alfonse of Askr stepped forward to greet the newcomer. "Hello there, Sir! Apologies if we're in your way, we'll move a bit so you can pass through." His sister, Princess Sharena, nodded in agreement.
"Oh, no problem at all, young man," the old man replied genially. "And, er, who might you be?"
Alfonse gave the man a slight bow as he made his introductions. "Prince Alfonse of Askr, at your service." He then pointed to the others. "My sister, Princess Sharena." Sharena gave a slight bow of her own. "Commander Anna, the lead general of this group." The ponytailed redhead nodded. "And Kiran, the Summoner and one of our chief tacticians." Kiran gave a slight wave. "The others you see before you are just some of those we've recruited from many different worlds into the Askran Order of Heroes." Said recruits offered their own varying greetings.
"Azoy? Askr, eh?" the old man inquired briefly. "So, you two must be Queen Henriette's kids! I've just come from the town near Askr Castle, where I happened to run into her. You've been making her proud, you know."
"How do you know the Queen?" Anna asked.
"We met through mutual people," the old man replied. "I presided over the wedding of two friends of hers: the daughter of the late Lord and Lady Bagelle, and the heir to the Loxley estate." He grew a bit wistful as he continued. "Now there was a match made in heaven--Loxley and Bagelle, what a surefire pairing! An 'S' support worth working towards!"
"Makes sense," both Alfonse and Sharena said, somewhat unsurprised.
"And who are you, Sir?" Kiran asked curiously.
"I am Rabbi Tuckman," the old man answered as he tipped his hat (and his curls!), before pointing to the casks on his wagon. "Purveyor of sacramental wine, and mohel extraordinaire."
A bit of curious chatter erupted among the Heroes in the party, especially those in the healing and spiritual professions themselves.
"What's a rabbi?" Lissa of Ylisse asked in whisper.
"Must be some type of priest," Serra of Elibe answered. "For what, I haven't a clue."
A different sort of question came from Azama of Hoshido. "A...mohel? I don't believe I've heard of that particular trade."
Rabbi Tuckman was all too eager to explain. "A mohel is a very important guy--he makes circumcisions!"
Laslow of Nohr (in reality, Inigo of (future) Ylisse) arched a curious eyebrow. "What exactly is a circumcision?"
Rabbi Tuckman grinned a little as he answered. "Oh, it's the latest rage--the ladies love it."
That was enough for Laslow and the other self-described 'ladykillers' of the party to eagerly start asking about it. Some of the more sensible gentlemen--and a good number of women--rolled their eyes or shook their heads at their comrades' predictability in that regard.
"You have my interest, good sir," Laslow said with a bow. "So then, how does it work?"
"It's a snap," Rabbi Tuckman began to explain as he took out an object from a pouch on the side of the wagon; said object looked like a miniature guillotine, drawing more arched eyebrows from the onlookers. "I take my little machine..." He then took a carrot out of another pouch and placed the pointy end through the contraption's hole. "I take your little thing, see? I put it into this little hole here, and..." He then pressed a tiny lever, which caused the blade to come down and slice the very tip of the carrot clean off. "...Nip the tip! Who's first?"
The sight of this greatly surprised the party, especially those who seemed eager before, some of whom winced and reflexively covered the front of their waists; a good number of the female portion of the party blushed at the implications.
"Er, heh-heh, I've, uh, changed my mind," Laslow nervously said.
"Um, already got one, actually," lied Matthis of Macedon.
"Uh...question?" Tobin of Valentia lightly asked, before his friend and fellow Valentian Gray quickly lowered his raised hand for him.
"*Sigh* I gotta work with a much younger crowd," Rabbi Tuckman said with a mild shake of his head.
Anna, at that point, decided (for the best) to change the subject on behalf of all present. "Rabbi, you appear to be a good man-would you join us for a little while, perhaps share some of your wisdom, your counsel...and maybe some of your wine? (With those of drinking age, of course.)" This inspired a lot of vocal agreement from some of the others.
"Wisdom and counsel, that's easy," Rabbi Tuckman responded. "But what I carry here is sacramental wine--it's only used to bless things." Some of the Heroes expressed a bit of disappointment on hearing that; Rabbi Tuckman soon quickly salvaged the situation. "Waitaminute," he started, getting the party's attention. "There's things here--there's trees, there's rocks, there's birds, there's squirrels...there's what I'm guessing is your latest victory, of course." The others nodded at this. "Come on! We'll bless them all until most of you get fahsnickered! Join me!"
Hearing this got plenty of cheers from the party. "Let's hear it for the rabbi!" came one from Lex of Jugdral in particular. Soon a good number of the menfolk of the party began to help the rabbi unload some of the casks from the wagon. Off to the side, Kiran, Anna, and the royals met up with some of the healers in their group.
"...We're gonna have more than a few hangovers, aren't we?" Alfonse posed, a sweat drop by his and Sharena's heads.
"Looks that way," Brady of (future) Ylisse replied as he looked to his fellow healers. "*Sigh* Don't worry, we all prepared for this." The other healers, along with Oscar, nodded in affirmation as they quickly began mixing up all manner of hangover cures for the inevitable morning to come.
Next we find out the head of a giant maid crash landed somewhere on the world.
Not quite—next, we learn that one Marianne von Edmund has little tolerance for any form of animal cruelty. Especially if committed by taunting Frenchmen.
- Location
- Earth, Sol System, Milky Way Galaxy
I wonder in this fic, Nemesis died because of the Black Beast of AAAAAAAAAAAAAA.
I thought it was AAAAAARRRRGGGHHH.
And actually, he might have been taken by surprise by the Spanish Inquisition—both Monty Python AND Mel Brooks variety.
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Yes, you could say it needed…something completely different? Nudge-nudge, wink-wink…?
Fire Emblem, with a French Twist
Another day, another march of the Order of Heroes towards the next battle in the conflict between the forces of Askr and Embla. For this mission, however, they were taking a slight detour to seek out what could prove to be a boon to their efforts: an add-on to the Summoner's main weapon, Breidablik! The ensemble of warriors had been traveling a good distance when they came upon a most curious sight. The band was looking at a rather large fortress that, much to the befuddlement of Kiran, the Askran royal siblings, and Anna, wasn't on the map--and they had a pretty up-to-date map! (Sloppy, Askr's cartography corps was most definitely not!) Making a note to puzzle over this development another day, the group decided amongst themselves that they'd see if whoever oversaw the fort would allow them to stay the night before moving out the following morning. Two of the Heroes stepped forward to see if they could get the attention of anyone in the fort.
"HELLO!" called out Gatrie of Tellius.
"Anyone there?!?" followed Amelia of Magvel.
After a few moments without response, a helmeted head, with a mustached and tiny-bearded face, appeared over the top of the fort's left wall.
"'Allo! 'Oo is it?" the figure asked from a distance, in an accent unfamiliar to all but Kiran.
Alfonse and Sharena stepped forward. "We are Princess Sharena and Prince Alfonse of the Kingdom of Askr!" Sharena responded in turn. "With us are members of the Askran Order of Heroes! Whose fortress is this?"
"This is the fortress of my master, Guy de Lombard," the soldier answered.
Alfonse continued from there after Sharena nodded for him to do so. "We're currently searching for an upgrade for our Summoner's primary tool, Breidablik! Please inform your master that, if they will give us food and shelter for the night, we'd be glad to let them accompany us in our quest!"
The soldier on the wall didn't take long to reply. "Well, I'll ask 'im, but I don't think 'e'll be very keen--'e's already got an upgraded Breidablik, you see?"
Hearing this completely surprised the group, if their widening eyes and agape mouths were any indicator.
Why, in the pit of my stomach, do I have a feeling of where this is going...? Kiran thought to himself with a minute sense of foreboding.
"Excuse me, WHAT?" Anna asked, flabbergasted by the soldier's statement.
"How can they already have one?" Princess Fjorm of Nifl asked confusedly.
"I thought Kiran had the only one in existence," Peony of Ljósálfheimr added, just as confused.
"Pardon my language, but I'm calling bull on this," Leif of Thracia said as he stepped forward, eyes narrowed in the soldier's direction. "Are you certain they've got one?" he pointedly asked.
"Oh yes, it's ver' naahs," the soldier said in turn, before he secretly looked to his fellow soldiers who were hiding behind the wall's top. "I told 'em we've already got one!" he said mirthfully in whisper, causing the others to snicker.
Leif's skepticism was soon echoed by some of the other Heroes. "Very well..." began Igrene of (future) Elibe, eyes also narrowed in the soldier's direction. "Mind if we come up and have a look?"
"Of course we do!" the soldier responded quite defensively. "You are English-types!"
Some among the heroes traded more befuddled looks with one another. "English...?" Jakob of Nohr asked, scratching his head.
Deciding to play this out, with a sigh, Kiran spoke up before anyone else could ask 'What are English?'. "Well, what are you then?"
"Ah'm French!" the soldier replied indignantly. "Why do you think I have this out-rrrageous accent, you silly hooded fellow?!"
"Outrageous is being right," an un-amused Petra of Fódlan, she with her own distinct accent, muttered.
"What are you doing on the continent of Zenith?" Anna asked, trying to clarify things.
"Mind your own business!" the soldier replied snidely.
It was then that another Hero, Hector of (present) Elibe, stepped forward, his brows furrowed as he pointed towards the soldier. "Look here, you, we've been perfectly reasonable up to this point. If you won't allow us to verify your claim, we aren't above breaking down your doors to do so!"
"You don't frighten us, English pig-dogs!" the soldier bit back.
Unsurprisingly, a lot of the Heroes didn't take too kindly to the insult slung their way. "PIG-DOGS?!?!?" a fuming Sharena repeated through gritted teeth as she clenched her fists.
"Go and boil your bottoms, children of silly people!" the soldier continued, either unaware of or purposefully ignoring Sharena's ire. "Ah blow my nose at you, so-called 'Alfunze and Sharrie Preenze'! You and all you silly Ass-kur Odor of Zzzzzzeroes!!!"
The group of Heroes alternated between looks of further befuddlement and frustration when the soldier then proceeded to clap on the metal of his helmet while blowing a series of raspberries at them.
"What a strange person," Lute of Magvel remarked, which drew wide-eyed stares from some of her fellow Heroes, considering this was Lute who had said this.
"All right, you," began Selena of Nohr (better known as Severa of (future) Ylisse), "I've had just about enough of--"
"Ah don' wanna talk to you no more, you empty-headed animal food-trough wiper!" the soldier said, interrupting her and causing the vein on her forehead to grow just a bit bigger. "Aaah fart in your general direction! Your mother was a hamster, and your father smelt of elderberries!"
"HEY!" shouted both Robin and Cordelia of (present) Ylisse, glaring as they popped up alongside Selena. "Said mother and father happen to be standing right here!" Cordelia further added, pointing to both Robin and herself.
Not liking the way this was going, Linde of Archanea stepped in to try and diffuse the tension. "Is there someone else up there we can talk to?" she asked.
"No!!" the soldier answered. "Now go away, or Ah shall taunt you a second time!"
It was then that Bartre of (future) Elibe drew his axe. "I don't know about the rest of you, but since it's clear diplomacy failed, it's time for action! Who's with me?!" His call to arms was met with a good number of cheers from some of the other Heroes, who drew their own weapons, be they melee, long-range, or magical. "CHAAAARGE!" he cried out as he began running towards the fort, those same others following him on either foot, horseback, or winged steed.
Kiran gave himself a facepalm, already having an idea of what they were in for. "For the love of--people, people, stop! You're gonna be running right into--!"
The Summoner's words came too late when all of a sudden, a loud *TWANG* was heard, followed by a loud *BUCK-KAW!*, and soon Bartre found himself hit in the face by...a chicken?
"OI! Get this dag-blamed bag o' feathers offa me!" he shouted while swiping his free hand at the frantic fowl currently adorning his countenance. Soon some of the other Heroes, wide-eyed with shock, scattered as they evaded more poultry projectiles launched by the French catapult. And not just chickens...
"Cain! Duck!" shouted Mamori of Tokyo as the young armor-clad girl jumped out of the way.
"Huh?" Cain of Altea said before his face found an unexpected visitor with a loud *QUACK!*, forcing him to stop his horse while he tried to get the daffy creature off of himself. It wasn't long before non-fowl farm denizens were being launched by the French, who laughed, jeered and teased from their perch above the fortress wall.
"Yipe!" let out Claude of Fódlan, as he and fellow royals (as well as students of Garreg Mach Officer's Academy) Dmitri and Edelgard evaded a couple of sheep and a goat, who thankfully landed in some bushes.
"Sweet Sothis's silk stockings..." Edelgard muttered in utter confoundment over the spectacle she was both witness of and unwilling participant in.
"FALL BACK! EVERYONE FALL BACK!" Alfonse called out as he, Sharena, Anna, and Kiran ducked behind a ridge.
"*Ugh* This is utterly ridiculous..." Sharena lamented, a large sweat drop by her head.
"No way I'm letting the scribes take all this down," Anna concurred as she observed the other Heroes while they ran from the French-accented barnyard bombardment.
Arthur of Nohr's eyes bugged out as soon as he spotted another creature headed towards him and the three Fódlan royals. "SWINEY SALVO INCOMING!" he shouted fearfully.
The royals joined him in the bugged-out eyes department as they noticed the inbound squealing missile. "What do you know? Today's the day pigs fly," Claude grimly mused. Before any of them could feel the impact of pigskin on their own skins, a blue, black and gold blur zipped by them as another Garreg Mach student, the usually-shy and withdrawn Marianne, caught the pig in a beautifully-executed interception any professional line-wide receiver would be envious of.
More jaw-dropping from her comrades ensued as Marianne swiftly caught the other animals launched their way and set them gently down on the ground. Just when it seemed like the Heroes would get a reprieve, another *TWANG* of the French catapult was heard, followed by a very audible...
*MOOOOOOO!!!*
The Heroes soon saw the cow that had been launched heading towards them, and Marianne leaped into the air, where she proceeded to catch the literal live(stock) ammo with a strength that belied her petite frame before coming in for a near-perfect landing. Upon setting the cow down, the grateful creature let out another *Moo!*, which, were one able to speak its native tongue, would translate as 'My hero!'.
The Fódlan royals weren't paying attention to this, as their thoughts were focused more on Marianne herself...while looks of a more foreboding nature appeared on their faces, an action found on the other Garreg Mach students in the contingent of Heroes. "Uh-oh..." Edelgard, Dmitri, and Claude all said simultaneously.
"What? What do you mean, 'uh-oh'?" Kiran asked. The royals turned to him, Alfonse, Sharena, and Anna before one of them answered.
"Let's just say our French foes are really in for it now..." Claude warned.
"Um, why?" Alfonse asked.
"...Let me put it this way," Edelgard started to explain. "At Garreg Mach, everyone and their mother knows how much Marianne loves animals."
"In turn," Dmitri added, "she absolutely hates any form of animal cruelty with a passion unmatched by anyone else."
"You so much as literally kick a puppy," Claude chimed in, "and you'll be earning a lengthy hospital stay, courtesy of Marianne's 'other side'."
Hearing that part made the eyes of Kiran, the Askr royals, and Anna widen considerably. "...'Other side'?" Sharena asked in a small voice.
The Fódlan royals slowly nodded. "We've got a bit of a saying," Claude began. "'Woe betide those who incur the wrath of...'Brawler' Marianne.'" The other Garreg Mach students in the party shuddered on hearing that.
Claude's statement also caused Kiran, Anna, Alfonse, and Sharena's eyes to widen further as they looked towards the bluenette Garreg Mach student in question. "'Brawler' Marianne?!?'"
Speaking of, Marianne looked up towards the direction of the fortress, a grim, determined expression now on her face. When she spoke, it wasn't with her usual soft, quiet tone.
"Dmitri, your gauntlets, please," she said as she held out her right hand without turning around.
Dmitri looked between Claude and Edelgard, before remembering that when Marianne spoke that way, she wasn't making a simple request. He proceeded to remove his metal gauntlets and handed them to her, which she took and then donned on each hand. She then began storming her way towards the fort, 'borrowing' a grappling hook from Matthew of Elibe (who was too stunned to resist) as she did. When she reached the wall, she swung the rope until releasing the hook, which gained purchase right on the other side of the wall the initial French soldier they met was peering over, much to said soldier's surprise. Marianne then climbed up the wall, and when she reached the ledge, she jumped over it, further surprising the soldiers. And that...was when the brutality began. Soon the Heroes could hear the makings of one of the most intense royal beatings ever to have occurred being visited upon the French soldiers, all at the hands of Marianne, of all people.
"What ze--? Zut alors!"
"Mon dieu!!"
"SACRE BLEU!!!!"
The Heroes just stood there, eyes wide and mouths agape with shock, occasionally wincing as the sounds of bones being broken and Frenchmen being tossed about like ragdolls reached their ears. Finally, after several minutes, the sounds stopped. Marianne then reappeared above the wall, where she proceeded to plant an Askran flag.
"The fortress...is ours!" she shouted triumphantly while pumping her free fist, before activating the mechanism that unlocked the doors.
The other Heroes looked to one another warily, before walking towards the fortress. Once inside, they looked towards the courtyard, where they shared a collective wince upon seeing the pile of battered, broken, groaning French soldiers, before they were joined by Marianne, who jumped down from her position atop the wall, her demeanor shifting back to its usual setting the moment she touched the ground, further astonishing her comrades. She then excused herself to go check on the animals she'd saved.
By the day's end, the Heroes had secured the fort, with Anna having arranged for the Frenchmen to be given medical treatment. She also instructed the scribes to add a new policy to the code of conduct for the Order of Heroes: that all members were strongly encouraged to take great care of any and all animals under their watch. (With, in the fine print, 'Or else: woe betide those who incur the wrath of 'Brawler' Marianne'.)
**Author's Note(s)**
This vignette came about in no small part while being inspired by arktoons's 'Brawler Marianne' pieces, which are both cool and hilarious. (Also, I apologize to any French readers who may feel insulted by this.)
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How One Keeps an Army in the Black
Vignette 3 - How One Keeps An Army in the Black
When not on missions that *usually* involved a skirmish of some sort, the people who made up the Askran Order of Heroes could usually be found in and around Askr Castle, engaged in all manner of activities, chores, or the simple pleasure of taking a leisurely stroll throughout the grounds and within the castle itself, whether alone or in a group. Such was the case of the latter as one day found Lyn of Elibe, Hinata of Hoshido, Kris of Altea, and Mareeta of Jugdral walking through the halls, discussing variations of swordplay and comparing notes. A turn into another hall led them by a door they'd somehow managed to overlook in all the time they'd been in Askr; naturally, they wondered what kind of room lay behind it. Thankfully, there was someone who could hopefully answer whatever questions they had, whom they'd spotted at the other end of the hall conversing with a couple of Askran soldiers.
"Excuse me, Commander Anna?" Lyn asked, getting the redhead's attention.
Anna noticed the quartet out of the corner of her eye and excused the two soldiers before she walked towards them. "Something up, folks?"
"We just passed by this door," Kris began to answer, pointing to the door in question with his thumb, "and it occurred to us that, for as long as we've been here, we have no idea what's in that particular room."
"We figured you'd know something," Mareeta added. "So, can you tell us what's in there? What goes on?"
Anna grinned a bit before walking towards the door. "Glad to answer that," she said. "What we do in this particular room is a vital part of the logistics side of the Order of Heroes..." She then opened the door. "Merchandising."
On hearing this, a quizzical look appeared on the faces of each of the four swordfighters.
"...Merchandising?" Hinata asked. "What's that?"
"Merchandising! Come on in, I'll show you," Anna answered as she led them into the room. Once inside, the quartet grew surprised by the sight of an assortment of various tchotchkes, knick-knacks, clothing, and other objects adorned with the iconography of the Order. "Go ahead, take a look! We've put the game's name on everything!" The head general of the Order's forces was now in full-on pitchwoman mode as she continued. "Merchandising, merchandising-where the real money from the game's made!" Some of the objects were then held up by a few assistants as Anna pointed out each one. "Order of Heroes casual shirts! Order of Heroes art booklets! Order of Heroes collectable keychain figurines! Order of Heroes travel bags! Order of Heroes canteens! Order of Heroes replica shields! (The kids love these.)" Anna was then handed one more object, purposefully standing next to a perch with a certain white-feathered creature on it. "And last, but not least, Order of Heroes plush dolls, based on the very face of the Order itself: Feh." The real Feh nodded affirmatively as Anna pressed a little magic charm on the belly of the owl's plush counterpart; this, in turn, made the plush owl appear to utter a few of Feh's usual phrases:
*Flap-flap! Flap-flap-flap! Feeeeehhhh!*
Anna, grin still on her face, held up the plushie as if gauging the four swordfighters' reactions. Feh herself chimed in by giving it two feathers up.
Lyn, Hinata, Kris, and Mareeta gave each other looks of muted astonishment and slight confusion by what they'd just stepped into. "Well, if it keeps this army afloat..." Kris mused.
Moments later, the four were out the door and back on their way, though each with a little 'free sample' for their troubles after listening to Anna's spiel: Lyn with a tapestry, Kris with a hat, Hinata with a limited-edition whetstone, and Mareeta with a Feh plushie. The other three looked at her curiously, nonverbally wondering why she chose that, given her usual attitude.
Mareeta, for the most part, shrugged. "I'll admit...it's a bit adorable."
Kylia Quilor
I Have Two Moods, and Bitter is One of Them.
- Location
- Hiding in the corner of your vision.
- Pronouns
- She/Her
Brilliant.
And all-too-fitting.
Oh, What's in a Name...?
Vignette 4 - Oh, What's in a Name...?
*Disclaimer: The following contains innuendo as the backbone of the comedy within the segment. If you're averse to such, make like a Danish prince once suggested and get thee to a nunnery.*
*Disclaimer: The following contains innuendo as the backbone of the comedy within the segment. If you're averse to such, make like a Danish prince once suggested and get thee to a nunnery.*
"I am so, so sorry about this, guys."
Those were the words that came from one of the newest recruits to the Order of Heroes: Alara, one of a pair of twin divine dragon royal siblings from the newly-discovered Realm-XI, also known as the World of Rings. (No, not the Tolkien kind of rings.) She and her twin brother Alear could definitely stand out in a crowd, thanks mainly to both sporting heterochromatic eyes and hair color. Presently, Alara was on one of her first missions as part of the Order of Heroes, as part of a small squad made up of Kiran the Summoner, Korrina of Realm-VI (one of two divine dragon royal siblings of the kingdom of Valla), Ephraim of Realm-IV (one of two royal siblings of Renais, on the continent of Magvel), and Edelgard of Realm-X (imperial princess of Adrestria, on the continent of Fódlan). Specifically...all were currently captives of a troop of Emblian soldiers, who had confiscated their weapons (currently lying in a cart following them), tied them up, and were leading them to the main field headquarters building where their commanding officer was stationed.
"It's all right, Alara," Kiran said reassuringly. "This sort of thing happens to the best of us."
"Take it from me, I've been where you are," Korrina added sympathetically. "Look at it this way, now we both have something in common aside from being divine dragon royals."
"Still, I should've been more wary of the script that production assistant showed me with all the last-minute changes," Alara said with a hint of regret.
"What, did the note that emphasized you running towards the Emblian soldiers while yelling 'Leeroy Jenkins' not set off enough red flags for you?" Edelgard asked with more than a hint of skepticism, if her arched eyebrow and minorly sarcastic tone weren't enough as indicators.
"I did ask about the why behind it!" Alara replied defensively. "They pointed to the underlined portion that said 'Because: rule of funny'!"
"I wonder where that PA ran off to anyway..." Ephraim pondered.
-X-
From behind a tree, observing the march with a mirthful grin on their face, the 'production assistant' revealed themselves to be the lady trickster Loki of Ásgarðr, who had bedeviled the Order of Heroes on a number of occasions. Giggling, she looked our way briefly.
"As they say in rustic circles: ain't I a stinker?" she posed with a wink.
-X-
Eventually, the captives and their captors arrived at the garrison building, the field captain at the head of the proceedings. Once inside, they were to meet with the Emblian commander overseeing the operations in this area.
"All bow before Lady Gaudias al Getout!" the captain commanded, to which he and his troops did, the captives 'nudged' to do the same, much to the annoyance of Ephraim and Edelgard. From there, the lady in question appeared before them.
She definitely lived up to what her name riffed on, as she looked and was dressed like a stereotypical aristocratic woman, though her garb was quite gaudier and more flamboyant than one would typically picture for an anime-stylized JRPG franchise like Fire Emblem. In other words...she came off as something of the equivalent of a character played by frequent Mel Brooks collaborator Madeline Kahn, the closest anime equivalent being Martina from the cult-favorite franchise The Slayers. Adding further to the comically villainous archetype she represented was the Elmer Fudd-esque lisp in her voice the moment she said something.
"Well done, Captain Zandew," she commended, eyeing Alara in particular as she moved in closer. "Hmm...You--what is youw name, giwl?"
Alara, maintaining a bit of stoicism, answered bluntly. "Alara, ma'am."
"'Alawa', eh?"
Alara, confused by what she thought was simple mispronunciation on Lady Gaudias's part, corrected her, emphasizing the 'r' in her name. "No, no. 'Alara'." Her correction was met with a *BONK* on the head by the rather light mallet held by Captain Zander. "Hey! What'd you do that for?"
Lady Gaudias let out a haughty laugh on seeing this. "Well now, the giwl has a bit of spiwit in hew, it seems."
Captain Zander expressed confusion at his commander's statement. "Has what, Milady?"
"Spiwit," Lady Gaudias emphasized. Seeing this interaction made the eyes of the captives widen a bit as they silently exchanged a look of slight confoundment.
"Er, I believe she used a sword, Milady," Captain Zander said, misunderstanding her words.
"No, no," Lady Gaudias began to correct him, "Spiwit--you know, bwavado, a touch of dewwing-do, that sowt of thing."
"Oh--um, I believe it was about eleven or so, Milady," Captain Zander said, again missing the point.
Lady Gaudias arched an eyebrow at her subordinate before returning her attention to Alara. "So...you and youw comwades dawe to waid us, do you?"
Alara was once again confused due to the woman's lisp. "To...what, Miss?"
Lady Gaudias furrowed her eyebrows at this. "Captain, stwike hew again, hawdew!"
Captain Zander did as ordered and swung the light mallet onto Alara's head.
*BONK*
"HEY! Cut it out!" Alara bit back, more annoyed than before.
Undaunted, Lady Gaudias sneered at Alara. "Now then, you wascally giwl..."
"I am NOT just a girl, I'm a divine dragon!" Alara responded in turn. Her fellow heroes looked at Alara concernedly. "What's the harm? I'm not giving anything else important away!"
Ignoring that last part, Lady Gaudias expressed curiosity about Alara's admission. "A divine dwagon, you say?"
Again mistaking her lisp for mispronunciation, Alara corrected the noblewoman. "No, no, a divine dragon." Yet again, she was met with a *BONK* from Captain Zander's mallet. "Will you stop that?!" she said with a glare directed at the man, now more irritated than annoyed as she was before.
Unconcerned, Lady Gaudias continued to probe Alara. "So, this means you must be descended from another divine dwagon. Tell me, who in pawticulaw?"
"My mother is Queen Lumera of Elyos," Alara replied with a hint of pride.
"Pff--HAH!" Captain Zander scoffed with a disbelieving laugh, drawing another glare from Alara and eye-rolls from Kiran, Korrina, Ephraim (who was secretly using a hidden penknife to work his way through his bonds), and Edelgard.
Lady Gaudias, on the other hand, became a bit more curious. "Captain, do we know of a kingdom by that name?" she asked as she faced the man.
"...Well, no, Milady," Captain Zander answered.
"Weally? You seem quite confident about this--have you checked?"
"Well, no, Milady," Captain Zander replied. "I think it's a joke--she's probably trying to trick you by giving you a funny-sounding name. Like say, 'Lili Von Shtupp', or, or 'Bigaulle Schwanzstucker'."
On hearing that, some muted chuckling was heard from one of the soldiers; Edelgard, unbeknownst to the others, bit her lip to suppress something.
Lady Gaudias, on the other hand, arched her eyebrow. "...And what, pway tell, is so funny about Bigaulle Schwanzstucker?"
"Well, it's a jokey-sounding name, Milady," Captain Zander answered.
Lady Gaudias lightly furrowed both eyebrows as she stepped a bit past the captain. "It just so happens that I've a vewy gweat fwiend in the uppew echelons of Emblian high society by the name of Bigaulle Schwanzstucker." Suppressed chuckling was again heard from the same soldier, which made Lady Gaudias step up immediately to him, causing him to go stone-faced instantly. "Silence!" she ordered in a scolding manner. "What is all this insolence fwom you? You'll find youwself back in basic twaining swiftly, by behaving so wudely!"
The captives briefly looked at one another, befuddled by this odd turn of events (except for Edelgard, again biting her lip to suppress her own chuckling). "Er...may we go now?" Kiran asked. "I mean, it looks like you've got some disciplinary measures to handle, so..." Before he could finish, Captain Zander bonked him on the head with the mallet. "Ow! God, that's annoying..."
Not acknowledging this, Lady Gaudias shook her head disapprovingly as she turned from the soldier. "Just wait till Bigaulle Schwanzstucker hears about this..." Hearing the name caused the same soldier to again chuckle (and Edelgard to keep biting her lip), putting Lady Gaudias's disapproving gaze back on him. "That's IT--Captain Zandew, take him away!"
The captain looked at his commander concernedly. "But--but look, Milady, he only--"
"No excuses!" Lady Gaudias interrupted him. "I want him in the awena fighting all mannew of wuffians, cutthwoats and bwigands before the week is out!"
Sighing, Captain Zander shook his head as he accosted the soldier. "Yes, Milady. All right, come on you, you brought this on yourself..."
The soldier paid no heed, as he was too busy guffawing over the name. So focused on this were the Emblians that no one noticed Ephraim continuing to covertly undo his bonds, before moving on to Korrina's.
Lady Gaudias continued on her partial-tirade. "I will NOT stand fow my fwiends being widiculed by gwunts like you!" She then leveled a glare at the soldiers around her, before getting up close to one of those on either end of the captives. "Anyone else feel like a tiny...tittew...when I mention my good fwiend...Bigaulle...[Another soldier began to chuckle.]...Schwanzstucker?"
The chuckling from the other soldier grew audible enough that it drew Lady Gaudias straight to him. "And what about you, soldiew? Are you finding it to be quite...wisible?...When I uttew the name...Bigaulle [The soldier continued to hold in his chuckling as best as he could.]...Schwanzstucker?"
At that point, the two soldiers guarding the captive Heroes began to chuckle themselves (while straining to mask it), until Lady Gaudias's gaze turned on them. (While this was happening, Ephraim managed to get both himself and Korrina free, and the two proceeded to covertly undo the bonds on Kiran, Alara, and Edelgard.) She walked towards them before coming to a stop, leveling a wary set of eyes on them as they quickly tried to maintain their composure. "...He's got a vewy lovely wife, by the way. Know what her name is?" Both soldiers shook their heads as they struggled to keep a straight face. "Hew name is...Lady Tigolle." She paused for dramatic effect, before quickly uttering, "Lady Tigolle Bittes."
Hearing this caused the two soldiers, along with the rest of their comrades, to immediately burst into laughter. "SHUT UP!" Lady Gaudias ordered. "What do you think you'we doing?! I've had enough of youw smawt-alecky sniggewing and guffawing!" Her commands proved to be in vain, as the soldiers couldn't stop their laughing fit. "BE QUIET! You call youwselves Emblian soldiers? You'we all acting like--" Her train of thought was interrupted when she noticed the prisoners had escaped their bonds and managed to abscond with the cart holding their confiscated weaponry, as well as put a good deal of distance between them and their captors. "SEIZE THEM! AFTEW THEM! Blow your bloody noses and gwab them befowe they get away!"
Meanwhile, many miles away, the squad of Heroes had managed to make it to the outskirts of Askr territory, and were stopping to catch their breath, considering how much they ran.
"*Huff* Well, that will go down as one of the strangest escapes I've ever made," Ephraim commented.
"Same here," Korrina concurred.
"I'd say we lucked out, big time," Alara added. "What about you, Edelgard?...Edelgard? Are you all right?"
It was at that point that the proverbial dam burst and the axe-wielding princess of Adrestria uncharacteristically burst into laughter as she fell to her knees, her hands clutching at her sides.
"AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Oh, goddess, I didn't think I was going to make it until we left!" she said, laughing till she started to tear up, her face almost as red as half of Alara's hair from the effort.
All but Kiran stared at Edelgard, nearly-speechless at the sight, considering how they'd usually interacted with her back at Askr Castle. (Kiran already had a good idea of what was so funny.)
"Uh, Edelgard?" Alara started to ask. "Why are you laughing?"
"...Is it about that name the weird noblewoman kept saying?" Korrina asked.
Edelgard slowly stood back up as she tried to regain her composure. "Admittedly," she replied, a chuckle still in her voice. "It's just that, 'Schwanzstucker' has a totally different meaning in my native language. One with more...ribald connotations. Something I'm guessing Lady Gaudias had no idea of at all, the ditz..."
"What does it mean, anyway?" Alara asked very curiously.
Edelgard walked up to her side before answering. "It means..." she started to say, before whispering into Alara's ear, the act covered by her left hand. Korrina leaned in to listen, and by the time Edelgard finished her explanation, both divine dragon royals were quite astonished...among other feelings.
"OH," both said while blushing heavily, considering just what the meaning entailed.
**Author's Note(s)**
-For my personal take on aspects of Fire Emblem 'canon', I've opted for the approach of making all the 'avatar/player' characters into sets of twin siblings. Thus, you'll see Kris alongside 'Kyria' from New Mystery of the Emblem; Robin and 'Regan' from Awakening; Corrin and 'Korrina' (and therefore 'Kuro' and Kana) from Fates; 'Byron' and Byleth from Three Houses; Shez and 'Shayla' from Three Hopes; and lastly, Alear and 'Alara' from Engage.
-In contrast to the nomenclature of Heroes, I've designated the worlds of the Fire Emblem multiverse in a manner akin to classic comic book tropes. Thus, we have:
Realm-I (Shadow Dragon (and the Blade of Light)/Echoes: Shadows of Valentia (and by extension, Gaiden)/(New) Mystery of the Emblem (and by extension, BS Fire Emblem)/Awakening)
Realm-II (Genealogy of the Holy War/Thracia 776)
Realm-III (The Binding Blade/The Blazing Blade/Hasha No Tsurugi (with minor tweaks))
Realm-IV (The Sacred Stones)
Realm-V (Path of Radiance/Radiant Dawn)
Realm-VI (Fates)
Realm-VII (Tokyo Mirage Sessions #FE)
Realm-VIII (Fire Emblem Heroes)
Realm-IX (Fire Emblem Warriors)
Realm-X (Three Houses/some of Three Hopes)
Realm-XI (Engage)
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That will definitely come down the line, as it'll involve Ike AND Zelgius meeting the Python version.
But for now, tune in next time…for something nobody expects….
What the Inquisition WASN'T Expecting...
Vignette 5 - What the Inquisition Wasn't Expecting...
The atmosphere was a bit tense as the two parties met in the middle of the courtyard of the large fort, deemed neutral enough territory for the parlay to take place. On one side were Kiran, Anna, Alfonse, and Sharena, accompanied by a small mix of leading Heroes: Marth and Caeda of Realm-I, Eldigan of Realm-II, Titania and Soren of Realm-V, and Hinoka of Realm-VI. On the other side was Emblian Imperial Princess Veronica, her masked older brother Bruno (also known as the Askr royals' former friend Zacharias), and a small cohort of their troops. Both Alfonse and Veronica stepped forward.
"Thank you for agreeing to meet with us, Princess," Alfonse said. "I hope we can put this particular matter to rest before too long."
Veronica arched an eyebrow before replying. "That will depend on just what the matter has to do with me."
"Right then, I'll get to the point," Alfonse said. "We've been receiving reports of raids by bands of strange ruffians on towns near the border of our two nations. Said ruffians were all dressed in red--specifically, a shade of red just like the one worn on Emblian uniforms."
"Your point being?" Veronica posed, eyebrow still arched.
Sharena then stepped in to ask the question Veronica knew was already on Alfonse's tongue. "Are these thugs doing this at your behest, or aren't they?"
Veronica's eyebrows narrowed. "No, they most certainly are not raiding at my behest. I've no idea who this band of rogues are with a shade of red similar to Embla red."
"Are you positive about this?" Sharena asked, a bit more firmly than before.
"*Ugh* Of course I'm positive!" Veronica answered irritably, pinching the bridge of her nose in exasperation. "Honestly, I agreed to come here to validate my innocence in all this. I certainly wasn't expecting an inquisition!"
Right then and there, the whole situation now made sense for Kiran, who realized what was going to happen next. Oh, no...he thought grimly to himself.
Suddenly, the gates to the courtyard burst open to the sound of a jarring musical sting, surprising all present, as three men--all Cardinals--swiftly stepped in between both parties. All three wore red robes and golden crucifixes around their necks; the middle one, clearly the leader, had a neatly-trimmed Van Dyke beard with a slim mustache and wore a wide-brimmed red hat; the one to his right had a more bushy mustache and wore purple gloves and, anachronistically, a turn-of-the-century aviator's leather cap with goggles; the one to his left wore a red cowl and had a small goatee, and held a tool of some sort in his hands.
"NOBODY expects the Spanish Inquisition!" the lead Cardinal exclaimed smugly.
After a beat, the Askran royals, Veronica, and Bruno exchanged befuddled looks. "They are most definitely NOT with me," Veronica stated. Bruno, briefly looking our way, held up a small sign that said:
Ye olde TH' F***?!
On the Askran end, Marth and Caeda looked to Kiran confusedly. "Umm...Spanish?" Marth asked.
"I'll explain later," Kiran muttered.
The leader of the trio of Cardinals then spoke again. "All, pay heed--now enters his holiness: Torquemada, the Grand Inquisitor of the Spanish Inquisition!" The sound of a gong soon got the attention of both Askran and Emblian forces, who then noticed that suddenly more of the Spanish Inquisition had popped up within the fort, the courtyard itself having undergone a subtle transformation at their hands into something out of a Broadway production, though with more instruments of torture present. At the top of a center balcony, a hooded man in a fine red robe with a golden cord around his waist stepped forward, looming above his lackeys. (Anna noted, to herself, that he greatly resembled Rabbi Tuckman, only clean-shaven and with grayer hair.) The leader of the Cardinal trio who spoke earlier continued as he gestured towards the other man above him. "Torquemada: do not implore him for compassion! Torquemada: do not beg him for forgiveness! Torquemada: do not ask him for mercy!" The lead Cardinal then held a hand to the side of his mouth conspiratorially. "Let's face it, you can't Torquemada anything."
Another gong drew everyone's attention to Torquemada himself, his hands now held as if in prayer, as he spoke. "Let all those who wish to confess their evil ways, and to accept and embrace the true church, convert now..." He then held up one finger as he continued. "...Or forever burn in hell! For now begins...the Inquisition!" At that cue, a jaunty musical number began to play, courtesy of the off-screen orchestra, while Torquemada slid down a spiral slide attached to the balcony. On reaching the bottom, he was joined by the Cardinal trio and some monks as they all broke into a Busby Berkely-esque song-and-dance routine.
Torquemada:
The Inquisition--
(Let's begin!)
The Inquisition--
(Look out, sin!)
We have a mission--to convert all youse...!
(Youse-a-youse-a-you, you, youse!)
We're gonna teach ya--
(Wrong from right)
We're gonna help ya--
(See the light)
And make an offer, that ya can't refuuuse!
(That all'a youse just can''t refuse!)
Both Askran and Emblian parties just stared, slack-jawed, at the spectacle before them, unsure of what to make of it.The Inquisition--
(Let's begin!)
The Inquisition--
(Look out, sin!)
We have a mission--to convert all youse...!
(Youse-a-youse-a-you, you, youse!)
We're gonna teach ya--
(Wrong from right)
We're gonna help ya--
(See the light)
And make an offer, that ya can't refuuuse!
(That all'a youse just can''t refuse!)
Confeeeeessss,
(Confess, confess)
Don't be bo-ring.
Say yeeessss,
(Say yes, say yes)
Don't be dull!
Torquemada and cronies:
A fact, you're ig-no-ring...
Torquemada:
It's better to lose your skullcap than your skull.
Kiran and Anna (both facepalming):
Oy, gevault.
Torquemada (sashaying onto a small dolley disguised as a piece of stone):
The Inquisition--
(What a show!)
The Inquisition--
(Here we go!)
We know you're wishin'...
Torquemada and cronies:
...That we'd go awaaaaayyyyy!
Torquemada (as his platform carries him off 'stage right'):
But the Inquisition's here and it's here to staaaaayyyyy!
Cardinals and monks (following Torquemada):
The Inquisition, oh boy!
The Inquisition, what joy!
The Inquisition, oy, oy!
Once Torquemada and his cronies were out of sight as the last music note hit, the sound of roughhousing was heard as suddenly, a few Inquisition monks were tossed onto the 'stage' from 'stage right'. The ones who did the deed revealed themselves as they walked in, and turned out to be more members of the Order of Heroes: Catherine and Shamir of Realm-X (the former with a monk slung over her right shoulder), Echidna of Realm-III (with a monk slung over each shoulder), and Rinkah of Realm-VI (carrying her club).(Confess, confess)
Don't be bo-ring.
Say yeeessss,
(Say yes, say yes)
Don't be dull!
Torquemada and cronies:
A fact, you're ig-no-ring...
Torquemada:
It's better to lose your skullcap than your skull.
Kiran and Anna (both facepalming):
Oy, gevault.
Torquemada (sashaying onto a small dolley disguised as a piece of stone):
The Inquisition--
(What a show!)
The Inquisition--
(Here we go!)
We know you're wishin'...
Torquemada and cronies:
...That we'd go awaaaaayyyyy!
Torquemada (as his platform carries him off 'stage right'):
But the Inquisition's here and it's here to staaaaayyyyy!
Cardinals and monks (following Torquemada):
The Inquisition, oh boy!
The Inquisition, what joy!
The Inquisition, oy, oy!
Kiran: "Catherine?"
Anna: "Shamir?"
Alfonse: "Echidna?"
Sharena: "Rinkah?"
"What are you doing here?" Hinoka asked.
Catherine and Shamir looked to each other briefly before the blonde swordswoman answered, unintentionally continuing the rhythm of the musical number.
Catherine:
We were sitting in a tavern, we were minding our own business, just enjoying a nice spirit-filled repast...
[She glared at the nervous Inquisition monk she held by the back of his collar.]
When these 'papist' persons plunged in, with their weapons set to bludgeon,
which necessitated that we kick their collective ass.
[She then unceremoniously tossed the monk onto the growing pile near them, dusting off her hands after doing so.]
Shamir:
They weren't considerate,
Quite impolite...
And should've known to never ruin a good old "girls' night".
Echidna [in a vaguely New York accent]:
We're sittin', eatin' chicken, gettin' correspondence from Ricken,
when these guys came in and knocked down both the walls.
Rinkah [also with a vague New York accent]:
We didn't even know 'em, but we sure knew where to throw 'em,
so we did, and also punched 'em in the balls.
Monk on Echidna's right shoulder [in a pained voice]:
Oy, the agony!
Monk on Echidna's left shoulder [same]:
Ooh, the shame!
Both monks:
To have our keisters kicked in by some dames!
We were sitting in a tavern, we were minding our own business, just enjoying a nice spirit-filled repast...
[She glared at the nervous Inquisition monk she held by the back of his collar.]
When these 'papist' persons plunged in, with their weapons set to bludgeon,
which necessitated that we kick their collective ass.
[She then unceremoniously tossed the monk onto the growing pile near them, dusting off her hands after doing so.]
Shamir:
They weren't considerate,
Quite impolite...
And should've known to never ruin a good old "girls' night".
Echidna [in a vaguely New York accent]:
We're sittin', eatin' chicken, gettin' correspondence from Ricken,
when these guys came in and knocked down both the walls.
Rinkah [also with a vague New York accent]:
We didn't even know 'em, but we sure knew where to throw 'em,
so we did, and also punched 'em in the balls.
Monk on Echidna's right shoulder [in a pained voice]:
Oy, the agony!
Monk on Echidna's left shoulder [same]:
Ooh, the shame!
Both monks:
To have our keisters kicked in by some dames!
Echidna then added both monks on her shoulders to the pile, just as a backflipping Torquemada and his cronies returned from 'stage right' to a drum roll. When Torquemada landed on his feet, the music resumed; he was unaware of what transpired, as well as his cronies suddenly cowering in fear at the glaring Catherine, Shamir, Echidna, and Rinkah. Amidst all this, a slowly-growing crowd of townsfolk had been gathering in and around the courtyard to watch all of this going down.
Torquemada:
The Inquisition--
Catherine/Shamir/Echidna/Rinkah:
What a joke.
Torquemada:
The Inquisition--
Catherine/Shamir/Echidna/Rinkah:
We just broke.
Torquemada:
We know you're wishin', that we'd go awaaaayyyy...!
The Inquisition--
Catherine/Shamir/Echidna/Rinkah:
What a joke.
Torquemada:
The Inquisition--
Catherine/Shamir/Echidna/Rinkah:
We just broke.
Torquemada:
We know you're wishin', that we'd go awaaaayyyy...!
The music stopped for the moment as Torquemada suddenly found himself in the collective clutches of Catherine on his right and Echidna on his left, his reverie halted as he nervously looked between all four glaring warrior women. Off to the side, Kiran signaled for the orchestra's conductor to skip right to the ending portion of the song, which he did as he quickly flipped his sheet music to the final page. From there, while the music began to resume, Catherine, Shamir, Echidna, and Rinkah continued as well...
Catherine/Shamir/Echidna/Rinkah [briefly looking towards the audience, both literal and beyond the fourth wall]:
Well, you all are gonna get your wish...
[All four turn back to Torquemada.]
So scram, or we'll gut you like a fish.
[All four bring their respective weapons--Thunderbrand, Survivalist Bow, Rearguard+, and Rinkah's Club--to bear.]
You wanna see what we can dish...?
Torquemada [fearfully]:
No waaaaaayyyyyy!!!
Well, you all are gonna get your wish...
[All four turn back to Torquemada.]
So scram, or we'll gut you like a fish.
[All four bring their respective weapons--Thunderbrand, Survivalist Bow, Rearguard+, and Rinkah's Club--to bear.]
You wanna see what we can dish...?
Torquemada [fearfully]:
No waaaaaayyyyyy!!!
At that moment, Torquemada and his cronies proceeded to flee in the other direction, terrified of the retribution that would have been visited upon them had they stayed. From there, the four women, uncharacteristically, closed things out with their own synchronized song-and-dance moves.
Catherine/Shamir/Echidna/Rinkah:
Now the Inquisition's done, and it's gone...to-...-daaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!!!!
Now the Inquisition's done, and it's gone...to-...-daaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!!!!
All four ladies flashed some jazz hands as they reached the big finish, and when the music ceased, the 'audience' comprised of townsfolk, the Askran forces, and the Emblian forces erupted into cheering, whistles, and applause. The four women then stood up and proceeded to take their bows. Rinkah was even handed a bouquet of roses from 'stage left', which she took with gleeful surprise.
"I knew all those times we joined in on choir practice at Garreg Mach would pay off someday," Catherine said to Shamir, who simply, drolly rolled her eyes a little in response.
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Proper Political Discourse with Peasantry
Why me, why me...? Kiran mentally bemoaned. For the latest mission the Order of Heroes was charged with, he, the Askran royals, and Anna had divided their force into four separate squads led by each. Kiran had drawn the short straw when it came to who'd be under his command, and it showed in those who made up his unit. Oy, what a unit...
He was leading a team made up of, of all people, Zephiel from Realm-III (king of Bern, on the continent of (future) Elibe); Walhart of Realm-I, ruler of Valm (a future version of Valentia)); and lastly, versions of Realm-X's Edelgard, Dmitri, and Claude of Fódlan. Specifically, versions from five years into Fódlan's future, when they were no longer students at Garreg Mach Officer's Academy but ruling their respective territories outright. (Making things a tad awkward when all three were first summoned and came face-to-face with their younger selves.) All three were in very different places than they'd been during their student days, with a hardened Edelgard now Empress of Adrestria, a ruthless, embittered Dmitri crowned as king of the Holy Kingdom of Faerghus, and Claude (more or less the same as he was) now the duke of Riegan territory in the Leicester Alliance. There was also an animosity between all three that, thankfully, didn't boil over into actual conflict while they were in Askr; to better explain the reasons for this animosity would take at least two more chapters and the suggestion to consult either the Fire Emblem Wiki, the TV Tropes page for Fire Emblem: Three Houses, or the nearest Reddit page to satisfy your curiosity, which is why that has been set aside for the moment to focus on the comedy here.
Anyway, combined with dealing with both the formidable, unyielding Conqueror of Valm and the zealous, pro-dragon king of Bern, and the Summoner knew he was going to be in for a literal royal headache. I don't know how she did it, but I'm gonna get Anna back for doing something to the straws...Of all five, at least Claude appeared to be the easiest to deal with.
"You okay, Summoner?" the bow-slinging, wyvern-riding duke in question asked. "You're looking a bit exasperated."
"Oh, it's...nothing, Claude. Really," Kiran replied as he looked around the area they were currently walking through. "Just thinking of where we might get some intel in these parts."
"Well...from the look of things, might be a tall order here," Claude said.
The area they were traveling through presently had a few wrecked stone buildings, though a castle in the distance appeared to be intact. Commoners were walking about or working the ground, seeming to not spare the group a look. Kiran looked over his shoulder at the other members of the squad. Not surprisingly, Dmitri and Zephiel were stoically silent, but surprisingly, Walhart and Edelgard appeared to get along swimmingly. And not just in terms of sharing a taste for imposing red outfits and horned headwear...
"...Thus, I would end the reign of the gods. I would free the world's people from being slaves to tradition, to obligation, the old ways," Walhart was explaining.
"Yes! Exactly!" Edelgard concurred enthusiastically, a stark contrast to how hardened she'd become in the intervening years. "Finally, someone who gets me! That's what my whole conflict was aiming for!"
"Indeed," Walhart said. "We appear to have much in common, Lady Edelgard." He furrowed his brows as he continued. "Including allying ourselves with veritable serpents in our midst..."
Edelgard grimly nodded, having previously told him of her alliance of convenience with the shadowy group dubbed 'Those Who Slither In the Dark' (there were a couple of times where she'd suggested to their leader, Thales, that they really ought to come up with a better name), just as he'd told her of the treachery (which he already knew about) of an advisor of his by the name of Excellus.
Dmitri cast a fleeting glance at the two and rolled his eye before returning his focus to what was ahead of him. "Of course you'd get along with him..." he muttered (grumbled?) to himself.
"Did you say something, your majesty?" Edelgard asked with a hint of sarcasm.
"I said," Dmitri began, out loud this time, "that you two make quite the peas in a pod, don't you? You both wear red, wield large axes, and have trampled over who knows how many innocents in your drive to conquer your respective lands!"
Edelgard glared at the one-eyed king of Faerghus. "Says the one with plenty of Imperial blood on his hands, if all my troops you've slaughtered are any indication!"
"I'm avenging those I've lost ever since Duscur!"
"*UGH* I keep telling you I had NOTHING to do with Duscur!"
"Did too!"
"Did not!"
From there it devolved into petty arguing between the two, at which point Walhart (in a rare show of unease for him) nudged his horse to quietly walk ahead of them to avoid being caught in the flak. Seeing this, Kiran gave himself a facepalm with a weary sigh, while Claude shook his head in pity. "You know, now I really can believe those two are step-siblings..." Kiran said.
"You want me to try and calm them down?" Claude asked.
"Nah, I'll do it," Kiran answered. "I've a technique from my world I've been meaning to employ for such a situation." He then quickly turned to face the arguing rulers, put two fingers to his mouth, and let out a sharp whistle. "HEY! Both of you pipe down back there, or I will turn this caravan around! Do I make myself clear?!"
Both Dmitri and Edelgard (in a rare show of sheepishness for them) stopped shouting at each other on hearing this, folded their arms, and, glares still on their faces, said "Yes" in almost-bored tones of voice. ("He started it," Edelgard quietly muttered.)
Zephiel shook his head as he spoke up for once. "Yet another reason why dragons should be ruling the world..." he grumbled just as quietly.
"*Sigh* Look, can we just focus on the task at hand?" Kiran asked. "We need information, and our best bet will be from whoever lives in that castle. Finding that out, however..."
"Let me ask one of the locals here," Edelgard volunteered. "Someone has to take initiative, after all..." She then walked ahead of them and approached a wagon being pulled by a villager. "Excuse me, old woman?"
"Man," the villager replied.
Caught a bit off-guard by this, Edelgard resumed her attempt. "Pardon me. Old man, can you tell us whose castle that is?"
"I'm thirty-seven!" the man said.
Hearing this confused Edelgard (along with all but Claude and Kiran). "Wait, what?"
"I'm thirty-seven, I'm not old!" the man clarified.
"Er, ah, my apologies then," Edelgard responded. "It's just, well, I can't just call you 'man'."
"Well, you could say 'Dennis'," the man said.
"I...didn't realize that was your name," Edelgard said.
"Well, you didn't bother to find out, did you?"
Claude decided to step in to smooth over any potential tension. "Hey, hey, it's okay, it was an honest mistake on my friend's part," he said, earning a mild glare from Edelgard. "She did apologize for the 'old woman' remark, but you've got to admit, from behind you looked like--"
"Well, I object," Dennis said in turn. "She was automatically treatin' me like an inferior!"
"With all due respect, I am an empress," Edelgard stated.
"Not really helping..." Claude said to her under his breath.
"Oh, an empress, very nice," Dennis said sarcastically as he stopped at a certain spot. "What's that make the rest of you then, eh?"
"Um...well, I personally am a duke," Claude said, absent-mindedly scratching the back of his head.
"I'm...well, I guess you could say a royal tactician," Kiran offered before pointing to the other three in their party. "Those two are kings, and the big guy on the horse is an emperor."
"Huh," Dennis said, not really impressed. "And how'd you all get those, then? By exploitin' the workers, by hangin' on to dated imperialist dogma, which perpetuates the economic and social differences in our society. If there's going to be any progress--"
Before Dennis went any further, an older woman crawled through the mud towards him and the party. "Dennis," she called out, "there's some lovely filth down here!" The older woman then noticed the more regal-looking people next to Dennis. "Oh! How do you do...?"
"Er, hi there, ma'am," Kiran greeted. "I'm Kiran, summoner and tactician of Askr." He then pointed out those with him. "These are members of the Askran Order of Heroes, called from many worlds to help aid the Kingdom of Askr against the Kingdom of Embla. Respectively, with me now are King Zephiel of Bern; Emperor Walhart of Valm; Duke Claude of House Riegan; King Dmitri of Faerghus; and Empress Edelgard of Adrestria."
Only one part of Kiran's elaboration elicited a question from the woman. "Order of who?"
"The Askran Order of Heroes," Kiran reiterated.
"Who are the Askrans?" the woman asked quizzically.
Kiran, for a moment, didn't know how to answer that, before offering, "Um, well...technically, you and the other villagers here are, and I represent the royal family of Askr." The woman continued to look at him with a puzzled expression. "...You know...Queen Henriette, Prince Alfonse, Princess Sharena...?"
"I didn't know we had a queen," the woman said. "I thought we were an autonomous collective."
Autonomous what? the five rulers wondered, as if all on the same perplexed wavelength.
Oh, boy...Kiran thought to himself. I knew this setup all seemed familiar. And cue Dennis's response in 3...2...1...
"You're foolin' yourself," Dennis said cynically. "We're livin' in a dictatorship, a self-perpetuating autocracy, in which the working class--"
"Oh, there you go, bringing class into it again--" the woman said with a shake of her head.
"But that's what it's all about!" Dennis said insistently. "If only people would listen--"
"People, people, please!" Claude interjected. "Look, much as I'd like to get in on some nice political discourse, my comrades and I need a little information. Now then..." He pointed towards the castle. "Can you tell us who lives in the castle over there?"
"No one lives there," the woman confirmed.
"...Right," Dmitri started to say. "Can you tell us who your ruling lord is, then? Or at least your magistrate...?"
"We don't have a lord," the woman replied.
Hearing this surprised all but Kiran. "Hold on--what do you mean?" Walhart asked, for once befuddled by something.
"I told your companion," Dennis started to answer, "we're an anarcho-syndicalist commune. We take it in turn, to act as sort of an officer for the week..."
"Uh-huh, go on..." Claude said as he started jotting down notes on a little pad of paper.
"...but all the decisions of that officer have to be ratified at a special bi-weekly meeting..."
"...Seriously...?" Edelgard wondered mutedly.
"...by a simple majority in the case of purely internal affairs..."
Zephiel pinched the bridge of his nose, already annoyed with this drivel he was being subjected to. I never could tolerate this much bureaucracy even in my own world...
"...or by a two-thirds majority, in the case of..."
How do they even get things done...? Dmitri wondered with a hint of incredulity.
"All right, we've heard enough," Walhart said firmly. "You can cease your prattling immediately."
"Oh, 'cease prattling', eh?" the woman sarcastically questioned. "Who's he think he is?"
"I am Walhart, the Conqueror--emperor of Valm!" Walhart stated.
"Well, I didn't vote for you," the woman replied back.
...Vote? Zephiel, Edelgard, and Dmitri all mentally wondered simultaneously. Claude, on the other hand, added that detail to his already-three pages of notes.
"Last I checked, you don't vote for Emperors," Walhart said, while looking to the others. "Or kings, empresses, or dukes for that matter."
"Well, how'd you all become whatever you are, then?" the woman asked.
Kiran looked to the royals under his command, twiddling his thumbs before offering up an answer. "...For each, they're pretty long stories..."
"How about the abridged versions then?"
"Hum...Well, I'll try. *Ahem!*" He first pointed to Walhart. "Led a massive military campaign across the entirety of the continent of Valentia." On pointing to Zephiel: "Struck down his jealous, fearful father, the previous king of Bern, after faking his own death." On Edelgard: "Forced her own father, the Adrestrian Emperor, to step down from the throne." On Dmitri: "Ascended the throne following the death of his uncle, the regent of Faerghus, during an attempted coup by forces supporting the Adrestrian Empire." On Claude: "And stepped up to his position after his grandfather, the previous Duke Riegan, passed on." He paused a moment before adding an additional, common detail. "Other than all those, the fact they wield powerful, ancient weapons handed down through generations of their respective lines also contributed."
Dennis and the woman (who turned out to be his mother) gave each other skeptical looks before the former responded to all that Kiran had elaborated on. "Listen, and I direct this at all of you," Dennis started to say, "neither military power, deaths in the family, or being given strange weapons is no basis for a system of government. SUPREME executive power derives from a mandate of the masses, not from paramilitary intimidation, nepotism, or fancy meat cleavers."
"I'm starting to get really tired of this man..." Zephiel grumbled oh-so-subtly.
"You can't expect to wield supreme executive power, just 'cause, say, some weirdly-designed spear landed in your lap..." Dennis continued in his rant.
Dmitri took great offense to that remark. "Why, you--shut your mouth!"
"Uh-oh..." both Kiran and Claude uttered on seeing Dmitri's reaction.
"Why, if I went around sayin' I was a king, just 'cause say, some watery tart had put a sword in my hands, they'd put me away for spouting such crazed nonsense--"
"I said shut your mouth!" Dmitri shouted as he grabbed Dennis by the collar. "You know NOTHING of what I went through--!"
"Ah," an unfazed Dennis said, "NOW we see the violence inherent in the system!"
"Shut up!" Dmitri yelled as he shook Dennis, forcing Kiran, Claude, and even Zephiel to hold him back and force him to release Dennis, who then cupped both hands to his mouth as he began call out to the other villagers in the area.
"Come and see the violence inherent in the system!" he cried. "Help, help, I'm bein' repressed!"
After managing to get Dmitri to back down, Kiran and Claude decided for the best that the party should just move on. Edelgard agreed, as did Zephiel, Walhart, and begrudgingly Dmitri. Before they were out of the sight of Dennis and the other villagers, the wielder of Areadbhar grumbled to himself, "Bloody peasant..."
Apparently, it wasn't quiet enough as Dennis could make it out. "Oh, what a giveaway--did you see that?" he said to the other villagers, pointing towards the departing group. "Did you see him repressin' me? You saw it, didn't you?..."
Moments later, a great distance away from the anarcho-syndicalist commune, the group mostly walked in silence, until Walhart broke it. "Well, that was a detour I don't plan on making again anytime soon..."
Claude smirked a bit as he looked over the notes he jotted down. "Oh, I don't know, I think we (or at least, I) got something useful out of that little side-quest. The guy had a few good points..."
Edelgard rolled her eyes at that remark before returning to looking over an unfurled scroll of parchment. "Huh--that explains things."
"What are you talking about?" Kiran asked.
"I was going over this map of Askr," Edelgard began to answer, "and discovered why those people hadn't heard of the Order. Or much of anything, really." She then pointed towards a dark spot on the part of the map that marked their present location. "This whole area's unincorporated territory."
A beat passed through the rest of the group as they took in the very, very simple explanation. It was then that Kiran made a note to inform Queen Henriette, upon the group's return to Askr Castle, that it might be better to leave the area home to the commune be. (For the sake of everyone's sanity.)
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Kylia Quilor
I Have Two Moods, and Bitter is One of Them.
- Location
- Hiding in the corner of your vision.
- Pronouns
- She/Her
"No, let's not go back to Dennis's village. Tis a silly place."
Won't be the only silly place visited…
Hubert's Hubris: Or, How Not to Give the Empress of Adrestria Bad News
Bonus Vignette - Hubert's Hubris: Or, How Not to Give the Empress of Adrestria Bad News
*Above illustration by JDandJC.*
*And now, a short tale from Realm-X.*
*Above illustration by JDandJC.*
*And now, a short tale from Realm-X.*
The imperial palace throne room, Enbarr, the Adrestrian Empire, five years following the fall of Garreg Mach...
Hubert von Vestra, ever-loyal right hand to current Adrestrian Empress Edelgard von Hresvelg, was walking towards the woman in question, sitting on her throne, a goblet placed on the right armrest. He'd come with a specific purpose in mind, one that, deep down, he wasn't looking forward to.
"Your Majesty," he began as soon as he was at her side, "I have...news."
Edelgard regarded her longtime aide with slightly-furrowed brows before she spoke. "And what sort of news do you bring?" She furrowed her brows further before continuing. "It isn't bad news, is it? Just in case you didn't notice earlier, I'm in no mood to take bad news right now. Today's been good, quite good so far—I had a good night's sleep, I had a good B.M., I do NOT want to hear any bad news. Now, what sort of news do you have for me?"
Hubert, a look of slight concern on his face before recomposing himself, briefly looked from side-to-side before he responded, a hint of hesitation in his voice. "...Well, to be perfectly frank, it's bad news."
Needless to say, Edelgard responded accordingly. "...I KNEW IT!" she fumed while swatting aside her goblet in a fashion indicating she was (putting it mildly) quite peeved. "It had to be bad news!" She sighed as she rested her head on her left set of knuckles, before straightening back up with a look of inspiration on her face. "Hold on, I just had a thought..." She turned to Hubert as she continued. "Hubert, I want you to give me the bad news in a good way." She held her chin as she elaborated on her thinking. "The way I figure it, by being delivered in a good way, the news won't sound as bad. Is that understood?"
Hubert, more than a little befuddled by his new order, briefly looked our way before he responded to Edelgard. "B-bad news in-in a good way..." he repeated, as if seeking clarification. "Er...Y-yes, yes I can do that, 'bad news in a good way', let's see..." He then cleared his throat before he made his attempt, adopting a more...jollier expression that looked positively alien on the normally dark and brooding young man. "*AHEM* Ha-ha-HA! W-wait till you hear what was reported to me by our scouts observing Garreg Mach. They informed me that-heh-heh-Professor Byleth is back after having been missing these past five years-pha-ha-hah!"
Hearing the news of her former teacher's return made Edelgard raise a curious eyebrow, as well as sport a tiny wisp of a smile.
"Oh-oh and, they managed to reunite with the rest of our fellow students who've been watching over the monastery," Hubert continued, the laughter starting to become a bit more genuine. "And you know, they-ha-ha-ha-they totally went to town on the thieves who've been pillaging the ruins for a while now, none of them spared! *Phah-ha-ha-hah!*"
That does sound like something the Professor would do, Edelgard mused to herself.
"Oh, oh wait, it gets better," Hubert said as he kept going, his right hand clutching his left side. "They-they met up with not only Claude, but also found the one who's been completely decimating the troops we keep sending into the ruins—and it's Dmitri, who's not only alive, but somehow managed to escape imprisonment! *Heh-heh-ha-ha-ha-ha!*"
Hearing this caused the wisp of a smile to vanish from Edelgard's lips while her mouth went agape, as well as brought her other eyebrow up to join its twin in astonishment.
"Dmitri still absolutely hates you with a vengeance-pff-ha-ha-ha!" Hubert continued as more of the self-inflicted mirth began to overtake him, while Edelgard's jaw dropped further and her eyes grew wider. "And, and, he wants to see your head off your shoulders and put on a spike at the gates of Enbarr! *WHEEZE* BHA-HA-HA-HAH! *SNORT* *SNORT* And, and since the Professor and Claude have managed to bring Dmitri into their fold-HA-HA-HA-as well as brought in the Church's forces-HAHAHAH!-we're going to be in an awful lot of trouble! *WHEEZE* BWA-HA-HA-HA-HAH...!"
That last line was enough to cause the usually calm and collected empress to break her composure. "WHAT'RE YOU, CRAZY?!" she said in a further uncharacteristic panic, which caused Hubert to cease his reporting. "Why are you laughing?! Forget bad, this is terrible news!"
Hubert, once again, became befuddled. "Wha-but I, I-you-you told me to...I was just trying to 'soften the blow', as it were—"
Edelgard frowned and rolled her eyes. "Well, you blew it, Hubie, REALLY blew it..."
Edelgard, from that point forward, never asked to be given bad news in a good way again.
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Supper of the Dragons
Vignette 7 - Supper of the Dragons
*And now, a minor additional crossover with...The Slayers.*
*And now, a minor additional crossover with...The Slayers.*
*Grumble* The things I do to expand my magical repertoire...
The above line of thought came from one Lina Inverse, young sorceress from another realm--one that was outside the Fire Emblem multiverse, no less! Thanks to her experimenting with a instant-travel portal spell, the mistress of the legendary (and infamous) Dragon Slave had accidentally transported herself and her three companions to Askr. Now the four needed to find the necessary ingredients in order for her to cast the spell again and get them back to their own realm, and that, unfortunately...took money. Thus, they were forced to take odd jobs in the town next to Castle Askr, where they learned all about the Order of Heroes from word-of-mouth. Blonde and not-as-bright swordsman Gourry Gabriev, he who wielded the Sword of Light, joined up with a small construction crew as a laborer; Zelgadis Graywords, accidental chimera in search of a cure for his condition, took a position with the local smithy; and Amelia Wil Tesla Saillune, youngest princess of Saillune and an accomplished white magician, volunteered as an aide at the local parish. Which left Lina...working as a server at a rather prominent inn in town. Meaning she had to deal with her very by-the-book boss of a host and innkeeper.
"Inverse!"
Speaking of...Lina, apron over her usual garb, walked over to the innkeeper, a middle-aged woman you'd almost mistake for actress and Robin Hood: Men In Tights cast member Megan Cavanagh, to receive her latest task. "Yes, ma'am?"
The innkeeper briefly flicked off a bit of dust on Lina's left shoulder before she spoke. "Tonight, we have a private party for some members of the Order of Heroes in one of our back rooms."
"Uh-huh, a private party..." Lina said with a nod of her head.
"You are to take their orders..." the innkeeper instructed.
"Got it, take their orders..." Lina repeated to herself.
"Be correct--"
"Right, be 100% correct--"
"And of course, be polite--"
"Absolutely, be polite--"
"And most of all: PUSH the mulled wine, we're unfortunately stuck with it!"
"Push the mulled wine..." Lina repeated as she jotted it down on her little notepad. "We're stuck--"
"Not that part!" the innkeeper emphasized. "Now go!"
"Yes ma'am, right away ma'am!" Lina replied. "(Touchy, touchy...)"
As Lina headed off to the back room where the private party was seated, the innkeeper shook her head before briefly looking our way. "Can't get any good help today...!"
Lina soon found the door to the room, with a little sign that said "Private Gathering" hanging from it. On opening the door, she found herself quite astonished by who was behind it. They weren't just members of the Order of Heroes she'd heard so much about; though they were in human form, Lina could tell--all who were seated at the table were dragons. Some had very visible features that indicated as such, be they pointy ears, visible wings, or a specific shade of green for hair color. All exuded an aura that Lina could sense, and it was one she was quite familiar with.
No way...she thought to herself....I wonder if Filia knows any of them...Based on what Lina was hearing, it appeared that the gathering was some sort of...interdimensional family reunion?
"It is so good to see all of you here," Naga of Realm-I said with a smile on her face. "Rare is the occasion where our brother Askr has everything in perfect alignment for us to catch up on things. I know each of you have your own realms to watch over, but thanks to his allies in Vanaheimr, they will be left untouched until the conflict with Embla is resolved." Aside from Naga, those in attendance included her daughters Tiki (both younger and older versions) and Nagi, along with their longtime guardian, the fire dragon Bantu; Valentia's dragons, Mila and her brother Duma, both also of Realm-I; Nowi and Nah, both from two future eras of Realm-I; Ninian and her brother Nils, ice dragons from Realm-III; Fae, the youngest divine dragon, from the future of Realm-III; Myrrh of Realm-IV; King Deghinsea, his son Prince Kurthnaga, and the Prince's subordinate Ena, all from Realm-V; Corrin and Korrinna, along with their respective future children Kana and Kuro, as well as their retainer Lilith, from Realm-VI; Sothis, Rhea (aka Seiros), Seteth (aka Cichol), and Flayn (aka Cethleann) of Realm-X; and Lumera, Alear, and Alara of Realm-XI.
"Agreed, cousin," Mila chimed in while she looked over towards two more of their number. "It also affords us to connect with those newer generations among us, along with the more distant relations in the family." She was referring to some of the newer faces at the table, namely those faces from Realms-X and XI.
"Much appreciated, dear cousin Mila," Flayn said with a slight bow of her head.
"Sorry that Indech and Macuil couldn't make it," Sothis said with a shrug, "but they send their regards." She then noticed out of the corner of her eye that Rhea was avoiding some of the food on her plate. "(Seiros, please quit fiddling with your vegetables and just eat them.)"
"(Yes, mother,)" Rhea replied as she speared one with her fork and ate it, if a bit reluctantly. The sight of this left Lina dumbfounded, especially considering Sothis looked young enough to be Rhea's daughter.
"The gesture is much appreciated," Naga said. "Be sure to pass along ours in return." She then focused on those next to the dragons of Fódlan. "Lumera, it's been far too long. I mean, your children have grown quite a lot since the last time we spoke!"
"Not just physically, mind you," Lumera said in turn. "They've also become quite skilled with the sword. I couldn't be more proud than I already am!"
"Mother..." both Alear and Alara said, growing a bit pink with embarrassment.
"How come you have hair with two different colors?" Nowi asked the Elyos twins. "I get the eye thing, it happens--but hair?"
"You know, I've never really pondered that till now," Alear replied as he briefly fiddled with one of his bangs.
It was then that the party of dragons heard someone clear their throat, causing them to turn towards Lina, feeling a bit awkward for having unintentionally intruded on their conversation.
"Um...hi," she greeted as she quickly got out her pad and pencil. "Does anyone want soup?"
"Er...do you think you can come back in a little while?" Nah asked in turn, feeling a bit awkward herself.
"We really want to make the most of this time to talk," (older) Tiki added. "This might be our last supper together for another millennia!"
"Hey, cut me some slack, it's my first order!" Lina responded. "Look, just one little question and I'll get out of your hair--are you all together, or is it separate checks?" The party of dragons made some dismissive sounds and motions in response. "Okay, okay, yeesh..."
"Regarding a more important matter," Nagi began to say, "some of us have been wondering if there's been any headway in terms of finding a cure for draconic degeneration."
"Unfortunately, a definitive answer is still not within our grasp," Seteth responded. "In comparing notes with Corrin and Lumera, we currently remain at an inconclusive stage." Nagi frowned at that. "In spite of that, Castle Askr's library has proven to be a great resource, as have the many mages and scholars among our friends and comrades in the Order of Heroes, so we won't be losing hope any time soon."
"That's reassuring to hear," Mila said. "Thankfully, this condition is more of a rare occurrence among those of us in Realm-I, though I do often worry about who among us might be affected more severely."
"Duma?" Lina asked, startling the normally-stoic divine dragon patron of Rigel and getting his attention; he'd been listening intently to the conversation, considering the secret he was keeping about himself, that he almost thought Lina had somehow found him out.
"How do you know my name?" he asked in a firm voice, attempting to regain the iota of dignity he thought lost with his prior response.
"...Your nametag?" Lina replied, pointing to the identifier in question on his chest plate.
Duma looked down, realizing he'd forgotten he had that there; in fact, all the other dragons in attendance had nametags. "Oh," he said, before resuming his super-serious demeanor. "What do you want?"
"Can I interest you in a beverage?" Lina asked in turn, putting on her best salesgirl face. "The mulled wine comes highly-recommended, rated best in town!"
Duma sighed wearily before giving her a dismissive wave. "NO--now leave us. Do not make me say it twice."
"All right, all right. Goddess..." Lina said semi-placatingly.
"Yes?" Naga, Mila, Sothis, and Lumera all responded inquisitively.
"What?" Lina responded.
"What?" Naga asked.
"...What?" a confused Lina replied.
"Yes?" Sothis asked.
Lina, befuddled, rolled her eyes in slight exasperation. "Goddess...!"
"What?" Mila asked confusedly.
"Yes?" Lina asked in turn.
"What?" Lumera asked.
"W-well, you--you said 'what'..." Lina tried to answer, pointing at all four.
"What?" Naga, Mila, Sothis, and Lumera asked, still perplexed; it was a sentiment shared by the other dragons at the table.
Lina scratched her head absent-mindedly with the back of her pencil, before throwing her hands up in 'surrender'. "Forget it, never mind..."
The door to the room then opened, and in walked a teen boy wearing the uniform of Garreg Mach Officer's Academy from Realm-X, though without the jacket. He was carrying an easel and other art supplies in his hands.
"Hi, Ignatz, you made it!" Sothis greeted the newcomer.
"Oh! Uh, that's good, I was afraid I was late," the bespectacled student replied, before bowing in the presence of the other dragons.
Lina was confused by this new development. "Hang on, what's--?"
"It's all good," Sothis said. "I commissioned him to do a group portrait of us."
Ignatz put his supplies down as he took in the scene before him, inspecting it with his artistic eye. "Hmm..."
"Something wrong, Ignatz?" Flayn asked.
Ignatz finished thinking over his initial ideas before he answered her. "Well...it's just that as-is, all I'll be getting are the backs of most of you." He gave it some more thought before he hit upon an idea. "All right, I think I've got something--if I could have those of you on the left side of the table move to the other side, then arrange yourselves with tallest in the back and shortest in front, we should be good to go. Will that be okay?"
The dragons on the left side of the table made some affirmative responses or gestures as they got up from their seats, with the stronger ones lifting the benches and moving them to the other side, where the dragons on that half moved and rearranged their positions based on Ignatz's suggestion. Ignatz himself then set up his easel, put his canvas on it, and quickly mixed up his paints. When his mixtures were ready, he looked up at the group of dragons and instantly saw the composition he was looking for.
"Okay, and...hold it!" he said while pointing his brush at the group. The painting that resulted from his efforts would later be hung in the gallery of Askr Castle, where those who looked at it marveled at the wondrous work Ignatz had done. (While also chuckling a bit at the unexpected addition to the group, as a flustered, caught-unawares Lina had wound up in the shuffle of the dragons' impromptu game of 'musical chairs', with her holding her silvery platter up behind Naga's head. Some observers even remarked how it almost looked like a halo...)
- Location
- Earth, Sol System, Milky Way Galaxy
I can hear Brave Sir Robin with Robin from Awakening.
Oh, that'll factor into the vignette with the Knights Who Say 'Ni'.
To Camelot or Not?
Continuing a plot thread from Vignette 6, we look in on the group of Heroes being led by Prince Alfonse of Askr. Under his command were Luke of Realm-I, a cavalier; the archer Leon, also of Realm-I; the wyvern rider Altena, of Realm-II (as well as the older sister of Lief); Lalum, the fun-loving and boisterous dancer from Realm-III's future; and Micaiah of Realm-V, their resident magic-user. They were traveling at present towards the site of some supposed Emblian activity and were presently looking for a place to stop for the night.
"*Ugh* My feet are killing me..." Lalum complained with a groan. "That tears it, once we get back to Askr Castle, I'm investing in some better footwear!"
"Make sure you take me along with you then," Leon chimed in. "I found a great cobbler in the castle town a little while back, might be able to help you pick out something with both style AND good support."
"It's a date!" Lalum cheerfully agreed.
Further up the caravan, Micaiah was speaking with Alfonse. "How soon until Altena returns?"
Alfonse looked ahead of them to make out a flier in the distance. "I think that's her right now," he replied.
Soon enough, the red-armored wyvern rider was hovering alongside the others. "Found something up ahead, your highness," she confirmed. "Looks like a good prospect, in terms of shelter for the night."
"Well, what're we waiting for then?" Luke eagerly posed. "Show us the way, milady! My horse's dogs are barking like you wouldn't believe!"
Moments later, the party was at the bottom of a path leading to a rather nice-looking castle atop a hill. A sign in front of them identified the place in question as--
"Camelot?" Micaiah read out loud in a confused tone of voice.
"Rather a quaint name, don't you think?" Leon added as he absent-mindedly rubbed the back of his head.
Alfonse had a map of Askr out that he was going over. "Strangely enough, it's not on the map here--and I don't remember seeing it on any of the maps I've gone over back home."
"Who cares?" Luke said before letting out a yawn. "Let's just head up and see if they'll take us in till morning."
"I'm with him on this one," Lalum affirmed. "I'll be so relieved that I'll gladly muster up a happy dance even in my current state!"
With that, the party (along with Luke's horse and Altena's wyvern) trekked up the path until they reached the castle doors, where Alfonse proceeded to use one of the large metal knockers to see if someone would answer. As if automatically, both doors opened to reveal a tableau that took the party by great surprise:
The knights within, all singing, all dancing (some even on the tables of the feast hall), while a little musical troupe played in the background, all to a very, very jaunty-sounding tune.
Knights:
We're Knights of the Round Table,
We dance whene're we're able.
We do routines and chorus scenes
With footwork im-pec-cable!
We dine well here in Camelot--
We eat ham and jam and Spam a loooooottttt!
The knights on the table did a brief jump before launching into a brief kickline step, with one kick unfortunately hitting a server carrying a stack of round flatbread. The sight of all this left the party of Heroes staring, wide-eyed with dumbfounded expressions (which even the two mounts shared) chock full of disbelief.We're Knights of the Round Table,
We dance whene're we're able.
We do routines and chorus scenes
With footwork im-pec-cable!
We dine well here in Camelot--
We eat ham and jam and Spam a loooooottttt!
Knights:
We're Knights of the Round Table,
Our shows are for-mid-able.
Though many times, we're given rhymes
that are quite un-sing-able.
We're opera-mad in Camelot,
we sing from the diaphragm a loooooooootttttt!
We're Knights of the Round Table,
Our shows are for-mid-able.
Though many times, we're given rhymes
that are quite un-sing-able.
We're opera-mad in Camelot,
we sing from the diaphragm a loooooooootttttt!
The knights on the table continued their hopping kickline, before three of their number then broke into a little soft-shoe routine and one used four of his comrades as a human drum kit by tapping a wooden spoon and a mace atop their helmets (the latter of which he accidentally knocked out another server with, further astonishing the Heroes at the door).
Knights:
In war we're tough and able...
[The sound of a cat getting its tail stepped on was briefly heard, startling the Heroes.]
Quite in-de-fa-tig-able...
Between our quests, we sequin vests,
and impersonate Clark Gable.
It's a busy life in Camelot...
Knight [in a low baritone]:
I have to push the pram a looooooottttt!
In war we're tough and able...
[The sound of a cat getting its tail stepped on was briefly heard, startling the Heroes.]
Quite in-de-fa-tig-able...
Between our quests, we sequin vests,
and impersonate Clark Gable.
It's a busy life in Camelot...
Knight [in a low baritone]:
I have to push the pram a looooooottttt!
As soon as the music ended, both Luke and Alfonse quickly pulled the doors closed in front of them, before they and the party swiftly turned around towards the path they came up.
"...Oh-kaaaayyyy...On second thought, let's not stay at Camelot," Alfonse said.
"Seconded!" Lalum added. "I'm an admittedly pretty silly person, but even that was too silly a place for my tastes."
"Y'know what? I think my steed and I can manage another round of walking," Luke quickly chimed in.
Altena, Leon, and Micaiah nodded just as quickly in agreement, and soon the whole party headed back down the path to resume their original route. All the while, Alfonse made a mental note to ask the Summoner about two things:
Who was Clark Gable, and what is Spam?
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Kylia Quilor
I Have Two Moods, and Bitter is One of Them.
- Location
- Hiding in the corner of your vision.
- Pronouns
- She/Her
Perfect.