MC_Lovecraft Watches Lots of Movies!

Village of the Damned (1960)

MC_Lovecraft

Friendly Neighborhood Anarchist
Location
Texas
Pronouns
He/They
I have been a film lover since I was a little kid, watching a grainy VHS of Jurassic Park until the tape wore out. I talk a lot about movies with my IRL friends, but I've definitely forgotten about most of the movies I've watched over the years, even really good ones, because I never kept any kind of log or record of what I had seen and what I thought about it. Recently I started cataloguing the films I definitely remember on Letterboxd, and reviewing all the movies I have watched since then. I'll link to all of my reviews here. I'd like to have a place to go more in-depth with these films though, and hopefully solicit recommendations for what to watch next, and that's what I intend this thread to be.

To kick things off, last night I watched Village of the Damned (1960) for the first time. I thoroughly enjoyed it, not least because it felt very Twilight Zone in the best way. The cinematography was fairly workmanlike, and the effects were quite sparing, but the narrative is gripping and the performances adequate. The primarily male main cast embody the straight-faced competence that I really enjoy from 1960's cinema, especially science-fiction. There's just something compelling about serious people trying to solve serious problems, even when those serious problems are glowing-eyed children from beyond the stars.

I know that there is at least one remake of this film from the 90's, and I'll likely check it out. A core approach to the way I enjoy movies is to experience the different versions of a film or character, usually in chronological order. Sci-fi and horror remakes scratch the same itch in my brain that really good song covers or remixes do.

Well, that's it for now. Have you seen Village of the Damned? What did you think? What should I watch next? Is the Chupacabra a reptile or a mammal, or something else entirely? All this and more, next time on Dragonball Z!
 
The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (1974)
Tonight I watched The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (1974) for the first time.

This is such a creepy fucking movie, and it sets that tone right from the beginning. The opening narration and text are a bit hokey by today's standards, but they work really well to subtly ramp up the tension in those first moments, before the opening sequence begins and you're hit with some pretty graphic imagery right off the bat. The gore is accompanied by further narration, this time by a radio news presenter who rattles off a story about local grave robberies, before continuing on to provide an almost post-apocalyptic slate of headlines, delivered in a background drone against the bizarre on-screen imagery. It is genuinely very unsettling.

The main cast are introduced in a sequence that feels a bit weird, coming on the heels of that opening, but that is pretty standard for slasher flicks, and this is the granddaddy of slashers. In fact, there were a lot of elements that were recognizable as having been cribbed by later works, which pleased the pattern-recognition algorithm that rules my brain.

Speaking of irrational pattern recognition, the actors who play Franklin and Jerry are dead ringers for Bobby Moynihan and Yung Gravy, respectively. The scene with them all in the van, with Franklin cheerfully going on about slaughterhouse practices to everyone else' disgust felt like a bizarro world SNL sketch, up to and including the introduction of an unhinged hitchhiker, who presumably would have been played by Bill Hader.

Some other thoughts in no particular order:
Sally and Franklin at least are both supposed to be from Texas, and presumably the other three are as well. Franklin has the most intense Texan accent I've ever heard, but nobody else in the van does at all.
The annoying astrology girl being casually lifted onto a meathook was unintentionally hilarious.
There is very little blood in this movie. Lots of excellent corpse effects, but the only blood effect we see is when the brother/hitchhiker cuts himself and then Franklin in the van. I assume this was just a budget thing, because the corpse effects really are grotesque and phenomenally well made.
I did not realize that the grandpa was still alive until he was doing his dracula impression. I thought it was a Psycho type situation, but then no, he's just an impossibly ancient looking vampire/cannibal.
Half of the people who are killed in this movie are killed with a hammer. The other two do get the saw, but it still feels kind of odd that the movie is named for what appears to be more a weapon of convenience than Leatherface's preferred implement.

The cinematography is really well done, there are a number of shots utilizing dutch angles in a non-nauseating way that actually enhances the atmosphere. Speaking of atmosphere, probably the element that does the most to elevate this film is the soundtrack. The music and radio narration are interspersed masterfully throughout the action, always enhancing it, never becoming a distraction.

Overall I give this one 4.5 out of 5 stars, only because there are a handful of elements where the low-budget shows through to the detriment of the tension, such as during the disappointingly sterile chainsaw kills.

Have you seen this flick? What did you think? What should I watch next? What is the air-speed velocity of an unladen swallow?

Edit: Oh! I forgot to mention; I knew this was loosely based on Ed Gein but the lamp made of faces really brings that home. It's also an incredibly gross prop that I would love to own if I could display it without being arrested.

Edit2: There is a moment when the gang are exploring Sally and Franklin's grandparents' old house (which is extremely dilapidated for a house that they visited within the past decade, when they were children) when one of the boys, I think Kirk, sees a mass of shifting black spiders carpeting the windows of the house, casting maddening shadows against the wall.

That is a completely real thing that happens in central Texas. My own grandparents had a house out in the hill country, and when I stayed there, I stayed in a bedroom with big french doors opening onto a little balcony. In the late summer, what we called "Daddy Long-Legs" would emerge from the woodpiles and leaf litter to absolutely blanket the entire surface of the house on that side, presumably for mating purposes. I would awake in the morning to dappled, shifting spider-shadows even with the blinds fully open and the sun high in the sky, because their wriggling carpets became dense enough to block out the light. I had real problems with spiders for a long, long time because of it, and I still really dislike Daddy Long Legs in particular.

So that two-second shot probably did more to set the tone for me than anything before it, actually.
 
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Piranha II: The Spawning (1982)
Today I watched Piranha II: The Spawning/Flying Killers (1982) for the first time. I recently watched the original Piranha as well, and left a short review on Letterboxd, which you can find here.

Hoo boy, this is the horniest movie I've watched in a while, including some straight up exploitation flicks like Foxy Brown. This is James Cameron's directorial debut I believe, and it really has his fingerprints all over it. A huge portion of the runtime takes place underwater, and the opening sequence treats us to a dubiously plausible scuba sex scene. The underwater sequences are pretty well done, in fairness, and are interspersed with terrestrial action so we can occasionally have dialogue.

The other thing to get out of the way up front is that this movie is just Jaws. Jaws but mega horny. The first Piranha was riding Jaws' coattails, but this flick straight up cribs all of the major plot points and characters, and just has them have sex with eachother a bunch.

The characters are mostly likeable, with the exception of Cop Dad (Lance Henriksen) who we meet as he harasses a family of color in the course of his official duty, and who proceeds to generally invade the privacy of his estranged wife, at one point potentially endangering her life by doing so, and a handful of stock characters who are meant to be unlikable so we enjoy it when they get eaten by fish.

By contrast, Dynamite Dad is easily the best character because he has exactly three traits: 1. Loves his son. 2. Loves his dynamite. 3. Smokes hella blunts. Unproblematic king for sure. So of course they and every other black character, named or otherwise, die over the course of the film.

Our protagonist is Annie, played by Tricia O'Neil of Star Trek and Babylon 5 (and who apparently later appeared in Titanic as "woman"), a marine biologist/scuba tour guide/single mother, who is running tours out to a sunken navy vessel which we learn has only been down there for two months, raising a whole number of questions that are absolutely never answered by the film. She is paired up for most of the film with the third leg of their love triangle, Tyler, a fellow scuba nerd and secret mad scientist for the government.

The cast is rounded out by Annie and Cop Dad's son, his teenage love interest, her foppish British father, and the predictably evil owner of the island resort.

There are sex gags and gratuitous nudity throughout, but mostly frontloaded during the first act. The fish-on-human violence is serviceable, but not really much of an improvement on the first film. The corpse effects range from just okay to pretty good, with an notable highlight in the morgue scene where we get a straight up chestburster piranha emerging from a dead man's chest cavity. It is so clearly an Alien ripoff, but it doesn't even matter, because it's well done and hilariously stupid at the same time.

There is some continuity with the first movie that gets introduced about halfway through, which I appreciated. All too often creature features like this can be a whole series of films connected by nothing more than a title. I'm pretty sure the sequels after this one are all just remakes, but the original duology tells a distinct, connected sequence of events, so good for Jimmy Cam Cam there.

The major difference between this movie and the first, in terms of the piranhas themselves is that (as per the international release title) these ones can fly now, and also apparently breathe on land. They spend most of the movie hanging around the ship where they hatched, but it's not clear that they have any real reason to. They also are also adapted for saltwater, unlike the freshwater piranhas of the first movie. The explanation of the genetic engineering is very Jurassic Park (despite predating even the novel!)

There are some plot holes and continuity errors, but they don't really detract much from the experience. The ending is unfortunately the weakest part of the movie, partly because the build up to the climax is all underwater, so completely without dialogue, and partly because it's just Jaws again. They blow up the ship with the fish inside it, which definitely would not kill all of them, given that a good number are still on land at that moment, killing people. In fact, the piranhas that attack the beachgoers near the end are just never mentioned or shown again. Annie escapes the resort off-screen and gets to her car, and the fact that people died is referenced, but those piranhas aren't like, dealt with or stopped from going elsewhere, by anyone, as far as I can tell. There are only like three people on the whole island who are even trying to stop them, and we see what all of them are doing. I digress.

Cop Dad contributes almost nothing to the ending; his kid finds his own way back to a boat, and Annie was already escaping the shipwreck. If he hadn't sped off with the boat, she could have hauled herself up the anchor chain. She still manages to grab hold and not die, but he really does almost kill her, and then just happens to still be around once his competition had needlessly sacrificed his own life to simplify the love triangle. The anchor chain stunt is pretty cool though.

Some other points in no particular order:

The son looks like he's genuinely having a blast just being an island brat, I bet it was a fun role to play.

Cop Dad ditches a helicopter into the ocean for no readily apparent reason. I wonder what that paperwork looks like.

Dynamite Dad has the most emotionally charged scene in the movie, and it's genuinely great.

The sleazy resort owner is just a less fun version of Dick Miller's character from the first movie.

The first scene with Annie and her son is bizarrely sexual. He straddles her in bed, where she is apparently nude beneath the sheets, and a moment later in the kitchen they are very clearly flirting. The kid basically eye-fucks every woman he shares the screen with, so I'm not sure if this is even unintentional. It's very weird, but thankfully he gets an age appropriate love interest (who isn't a blood relative) later on.

Many of the underwater scenes take place at night, and the characters carry lights, but are also fully lit from most angles.

Overall I think I have to give this one a 3.5. I had fun watching it, and I think it works as a sequel to the first film, but it kind of lost some of what made the original really great trash. Cameron over-relies on tits and ass to keep you engaged, when the prospect of fish violence ought to be enough. I thoroughly enjoy sex-trash comedies, but I wish this one had leaned a little more into horror, and not been an even more blatant Jaws rip-off than the first.

Have you seen any of the Piranha films? What did you think? What should I watch next? Why won't the government stop putting microphones under my skin? Find out next time, on Magnum, P.I.!
 
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Roar (1981)
This evening I followed up Piranha II with Roar (1981), the greatest and most insane movie of all time.

If you have never heard of this film, this is the movie Tippi Hedren (of Alfred Hitchcock's The Birds) and her actual insane person of a husband, Noel Marshall made together in Africa and the California desert. When people say that a movie could not be made today, they usually reference Blazing Saddles, despite the fact that Tarantino has been making westerns where he says the N word a lot for years now. This is actually a movie nobody will ever make anything like ever again. That is because, while there exist characters and a rough plot tying the scenes together, this isn't actually a movie. It's evidence of a man actively endangering his friends and family, as well as himself, with the aid of approximately one billion actual lions.

I am only joking a little bit. The very rough plot is as follows: A zoologist has been living in Africa for three years, apart from his family, to study big cat behavior. Not just African big cats. He's got Mountain lions and Bengal tigers living alongside Jaguars, black Panthers, a handful of cheetahs, and then, without exaggeration, at least a hundred lions, including way more adult males than a pride in the wild would ever sustain. His family is coming to see him for the first time since he left, and his wife and daughter are openly discussing their marital problems on the plane as it lands.

The entire rest of the movie is just improvisation around a series of actual maulings by lions, tigers, and one seriously pissed off elephant. Noel spends a good portion of the film near the beginning trying desperately to bandage a hand that has been gashed open by a lion, as the approximately thirty other lions inside his house toss him around like a ragdoll, and one begins chewing on his bleeding hand.

Once the family arrives at the house they spend the next thirty minutes desperately searching for shelter from the billions of lions in the house. Tippi Hedren gets stuck in a wardrobe, and has to abandon her daughter after lions tear through the back to go get help from Marshall's son John, who is himself trapped in a locker by tigers, while his brother Jerry is stuck in an icebox in the kitchen. You could not possibly have scripted this movie.

The version I watched was the Drafthouse Films release which adds some additional environmental messaging as well as a statement that none of the animals that appear to be injured were actually harmed. There is a scene in this movie where lions are visibly ripping an actual zebra into chunks, which they carry into the house, smearing blood everywhere and devouring the animal in front of Tippi Hedren and her actual terrified family. 70 members of the crew were injured seriously enough to require treatment, and at one point an elephant (which has just annihilated a metal boat) hauls Tippi into the air and tosses her around, before flinging her, contemptuously, into the river, fracturing one of her hands and ankles. None of the lions were really shot, obviously, but so, so, many animals and people were absolutely injured.

Having said that, I said that this was not just the most insane movie of all time, but the greatest, and I stand by that. The creation of this film was deeply misguided, but it's environmentalist message (which is extremely unsubtle) is a really good one. The thesis is just that we ought to learn about the life around us so that we can better coexist with it, and that's a message that I don't think can ever be repeated enough. The craft that went into its creation cannot be understated either. Making a movie is hard enough. Making a movie while constantly surrounded by a trillion lions is unreal. The fact that there exists any coherent narrative at all, the fact that Tippi Hedren remembers to scream her husband's character's name rather than his real one while screaming in actual mortal terror, the fact that the antagonist lion gets a heroic heel-face-turn, all of these things elevate this from a horrific misadventure to an exercise in utter Gonzo film-making.

During the 98 minute runtime we see Noel get absolutely shitmixed by 300lb adult lions and tigers at least a dozen times. His best friend, Mativo, is constantly being harassed by the tigers, and gets his jacket stolen no less than three times. Noel abandons him to the tigers to buy himself time twice. Noel at one point invites two of the tigers into a car with him, leaving Mativo to cling to the back. It's not even his own car.

While the lions and tigers are genuinely terrifying, it really is apparent that they are just big cats, doing cat stuff, but bigger. I actually work with colonies of feral cats, and watching this movie was incredible from that perspective. These were wild animals, but wild in the way feral cats are wild. They were naturalized to Noel's presence, and he really did move among them quite well, until their environment was disturbed by the appearance of his family and an entire film crew.

The animal that was surprisingly the most scary was the elephant. I don't know the history of the animal, but I do know one thing for sure: It fucking hates boats. Tippi and family have just escaped the house of a thousand lions in a metal skiff when they run up on the riverbank next to a young bull elephant. That elephant completely annihilates their boat. He picks it up in his mouth and trunk and slams it into the ground over and over, stomping on it and piercing it with his tusks. He later does something similar to the family as they try to hide inside water barrels, which predictably roll into the river as well.

The most striking accomplishment of the film is that despite all of the carnage, and Noel Marshall's huge overconfidence in his ability to manage a hundred and fifty billion wild cats, the animals do not ever come off as villainous. Even Togar, the antagonist lion, is painted as a noble rogue, who steps in to protect the pride when the heroic lion is tragically killed. He is also painted in literal blood for the whole film, as are most of the characters. It's honestly hard to know if any of it was fake, because so much of the violence is undeniably real. Noel was apparently hospitalized multiple times for his many, many injuries, and the bad cases of gangrene he kept getting from the tiger bites. Tippi has grooves in her skull from a tiger biting her scalp at a promotional event. And yet the animals are clearly animals, and the family learns, however irrationally, to love them and coexist with them. The ending montage of adorable baby animals helps sell that angle.

My last major thought is that the music in this is phenomenal. The theme song and ending song are very on-the-nose, but they are earnest environmentalist folk songs, so that's kind of to their credit. The rest of the soundtrack in between is driven by African drums that really help to blend the actual tension of the actors in a room with thirty lions with the narrative tension of the characters in the same exact situation, making what was real seem created, in a fusion of documentary and artifice. It's really good is what I'm saying.

Watch this if you love animal attack movies sympathetic to the animals, independent Gonzo film making, or wildlife documentaries.

5/5, obviously. If I could live in that dude's house, with all the wild animals at a sane distance, I would do it in a heartbeat.

Have you seen this one? What should I watch next? Who do you think you are, pal? Find out next time, on The Zeta Project.

Edit: I should say, a surprising amount of this movie is genuinely just very cool footage of people interacting with animals. There is a scene at the beginning where an adolescent giraffe sprints to keep up with Noel's motorbike, and it's one of the most moving shots in the film. All of the shots of the family laying around on the floor with the lionesses and cubs are incredible, and the panthers in particular seem very chill the entire time. Outside of the adult male lions and tigers, the big cats behave almost exactly like the cats you are familiar with, and the film goes to great lengths to drive that home. The fact that it is also an effective animal attack movie despite that underlying ethos is a triumph.
 
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Robocop 2 (1990) and Additional Thoughts on Roar
Tonight I watched Robocop 2 (1990). I saw the original Robocop for the first time recently, and reviewed it here.

Man, talk about a mixed bag. I went into this one blind after having seen the first one, and while I didn't think that he had, it was apparent very quickly that Paul Verhoeven did not return to direct the sequel. On the flip side, most of the cast does return, including Peter Weller as our tin man, Nancy Allen as Anne (sadly no Lady Robocop), and Dan O'Herlihey as 'The Old Man.'

Nobody quite feels like themselves, however, Weller least of all. His upgraded Robocop is much slower, jerkier, and noisier than the original, and little of Officer Murphy shows through. This is a bizarre choice given that a good deal of the plot has to do with resolving the trauma of losing his family despite them still being alive. Which brings me to his family. In the first film we learn that they have moved across the country to start new lives away from the painful reminders of their dead husband and father. In this film they have apparently moved back into town, and Robocop's son has become one of the premier drug lords in the city, at the ripe old age of twelve.

There are a couple of transitions utilizing the faux commercials and programming from the first movie, but they just lack the same punch, probably because this film is largely empty of the satire that defined the original. There are jokes, and some timely social commentary, but the action is more or less played straight, and the concept of child gangs dealing narcotics alongside career criminals is kind of left unexamined. It almost feels like a rated 'R' Saturday morning cartoon based on Robocop, rather than a direct sequel starring the original cast.

The movie is not without its strong points though. The stop-motion miniatures and animatronics are wonderful to behold, and the action is great from a technical standpoint. Some of the designs are a bit wonky; Robo-Cain at the end clearly has never done leg day (probably so that he can appear in-frame with Robocop without RC being nine feet tall) and Robocop still drives a regular police car instead of a cool batmobile, but the blend of practical effects, animation, and models in the big set-piece ending are undeniably cool.

The main villain (kinda) is played by Tom Noonan, who I recognized from a single episode of The X-Files and the short film They're Made Out of Meat which you should definitely watch. He stood out to me because he looks exactly like Kane from Command and Conquer, which I am just now realizing they probably based on this movie... There are like four to six main bad guys in this movie, and their competing interests sort of drive the plot along, which is a shame, because it means that Robocop is barely in this Robocop movie. Even when he is on screen, it's often an animatronic, or miniature, and not actually Peter Weller, meaning that his screen time is like fifteen minutes at most, and I wouldn't be surprised if it were less than that.

This isn't a bad movie exactly, but it really doesn't live up to the promise of the original. There are a lot of ideas that I wish they had explored instead of just having Robocop fight a robot they literally call, in the movie, Robocop 2. The most interesting thing that does happen in the whole film is when Murphy's drug lord pre-teen son takes over the cartel after Kane's apparent death, and pitches a plan to the mayor to flood the market with cheap, safe, euphoric drugs, to crowd out dangerous ones, including alcohol and tobacco, and end the violence of the war on drugs. It's essentially an early argument for decriminalization, and it's hilarious that they put it into the mouth of a child. Of course, good things can't be allowed to happen in our cyberpunk dystopia, so the suits put a stop to that right away via robot ultraviolence.

I didn't know it until the credits rolled, but this was written by Frank Miller, which explains why it goes for a lot more of a Capitalist-Realist message than the biting satire of the original. Frank cannot abide heroes who are actually effective, or systems that do anything but get worse, and he's made a career out of shoving other people's characters into that paradigm. Robocop is reduced to an action figure in this movie, a flashy aesthetic with little to say about anything. There is some mileage in that idea itself, but the film doesn't bother exploring it.

Probably the most memorable aspect of this film are the one-liners. Most are pretty terrible, but there are a few real nuggets in there. Here are a few of my favorites in no particular order:

"Go fuck a refrigerator, pecker-neck!"
"Why do we have to label people?"
"Thank you for not smoking."
"Jesus had days like this..."

Overall I was pretty disappointed. Not a terrible movie, but not one I would have been happy about if I had been a big Robocop fan and seen it in theaters. 3/5 stars, pretty much fully on the merits of the practical effects. I have a lot more notes, but there's really not much that I feel like adding, for a movie I'm this lukewarm on. Oh well.



Edit: You know what, I'm just going to use this space to talk about Roar some more. I somehow completely forgot to mention that there is a skateboarding lion. It takes some experimenting, but the cat full on shreds.

I also did not realize that the film was shot almost entirely in Tippi Hedren's actual family home in California. Apparently they just started buying and rescuing cats and cubs and bringing them into the house. When they started production they had 31 animals, and by the end they had over 150 cats and a whole herd of other animals, living in the California desert. They did this despite the whole idea being based on a house that was actually in Africa, had 30 lions in it, and most importantly, wasn't the one they lived in. Why did they not film there, or at another site in Tanzania? Because they were fucking nutso. These people were the original Tiger Kings.

I cannot imagine what it must have been like to live and work there for the eleven years it took to make the film. The actor who played Mativo, real name also Mativo, apparently refused to be anywhere near the place unless the cameras were actively rolling, and I don't blame him. As much as I would love the experience of being surrounded by big cats and getting to observe them up close, it is downright miraculous that nobody died. The cinematographer, who would go on to direct Twister, was scalped. It took like two hundred stitches to reattach his hair.

Can you imagine being one of the (adult) kids? Following your parents ever deeper into complete madness at the risk of your own life on a daily basis? For eleven years. I don't know if even being a rich, do-nothing, Hollywood nepo-baby is worth being repeatedly mauled by tigers.
 
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The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2 (1986) and Faster, Pussycat! Kill! Kill! (1965) (And more Roar thoughts)
This evening I watched a double-feature of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2 (1986) and Faster, Pussycat! Kill! Kill! (1965)

I started the evening with Chainsaw Massacre 2, and I'm glad I did because it meant that I ended on a high note. This was unfortunately another disappointing sequel. The short version of this review is that Tobe Hooper didn't understand what he got right with the original, so the sequel is a chaotic mashup of elements that work and don't work on their own, but add up to less than the sum of their parts.

The film opens with a text wall and narration explaining that at the end of the first film the entire cannibal family somehow got away, and their murder house was never found, but chainsaw killings have continued across Texas. It's left ambiguous whether something supernatural is going on, but as with the first movie, there's really only one fairly likely supernatural element, and it's grandpa vampire, who reappears in this to do exactly the same thing he did in the original, note for note.

The absolute best part of this movie by a mile is the prosthetic and prop work done by Tom Savini. All of the practical effects are fantastic, and we get one real banger of a chainsaw kill early on that almost makes up for the bloodlessness of the first film.

The worst part is the huge amount of screentime that is given to the Family, particularly the brother, called 'Chop Top' in this one due to having had his head split open in the first. For some reason Hooper decided to introduce more comedy elements for the sequel, and gave almost all of the jokes to the murderous cannibal rednecks that are meant to be the drivers of the film's horror. Instead, they just come off as offensive, disgusting, and poorly-considered. Chop Top spends most of the movie pretending to be a Vietnam veteran, I suppose with the joke being that that's why he's crazy, not the giant hole in his head. It's really tiresome, and it turns the radio-station invasion scene from something that should be tense and scary into an abrasive slog.

The film's protagonists are significantly more fun to watch, for completely different reasons. Caroline Williams plays Stretch, a small time radio DJ between DFW and Oklahoma, and every joke that actually lands in this movie comes out of her mouth. She's a delight to watch, and her scenes with Leatherface are the best in the movie.

Dennis Hopper plays Lefty, a deeply unhinged detective, and uncle to Franklin from the first film. He speaks in Texan cliches so Texan they don't actually exist. A real exchange of dialogue that happens in this movie is as follows:
"Brazos... brazos... brazos."
"Remember the Alamo, cowboy."
The context doesn't matter, it's not in response to anything that would make it make sense, it's just utter madness. At some point his quest for revenge morphs into a mission from god, and he spends about half of the movie running around with multiple chainsaws, screaming about Hell. He has a chainsaw fight with Leatherface. That part is pretty cool, actually.

Speaking of Leatherface, Gunnar Hansen did not return for the sequel, and it fits with the theme of not understanding the original. Hansen was Leatherface. All of the little behaviors that brought him to life were Gunnar's contribution, and this version is little more than imitation.

There are a lot of cool little moments in this movie, almost all of them either practical effects, or quips from Stretch, but they just don't do enough to redeem the fact that it's not really a horror movie anymore. This feels very much like a poor man's Army of Darkness, but made all the more jarring for the fact that the original really wasn't trying to be funny at all. What humor was there was basically just to humanize the cast and move the plot along. In this one the jokes keep coming at the expense of tension, pacing, and character.

The absolute best scene in the movie is when Leatherface has Stretch cornered in a freezer, and she screams at him to stop, which he does, and then she asks him:
"Are you mad at me? How mad at me are you?"
It was the only moment during the whole film when I laughed out loud, but I had to actually pause the movie because I was howling.

I'll keep it short. This movie is fine, but it is a very poor follow up to the original. I'd only recommend it if you are a big fan of Tom Savini, because some of his best work is on display here. I give it 3/5 stars overall.



Faster, Pussycat! Kill! Kill! is one of those movies that is so famous for being cool and edgy that I went forever without seeing it, fearing that I was just too square to really appreciate this seminal work of gonzo cinema. I'm glad I finally got around to watching it, because it lives up to its legend in some surprising ways.

For one, this movie gets talked about a lot in the same conversations as the sexploitation films of the 60s and 70s, and it shares a lot of the same aesthetic, but a very different ethos at its core. The three women at the center of this movie wield their sexuality like weapons, and the lack of actual nudity plays to that aspect. This is a movie that is extremely aware of the relationship between sex and violence in American culture, a fact that is noted in the opening narration. The film revels in depicting gleeful, wanton violence perpetrated by powerful, liberated women, without reducing them to mere flesh. There is even a queer relationship at the center of the group dynamic which lends an unexpected tragic depth to the trio's fates.

I was also not expecting it to be nearly as funny as it was. Not all of the quips land, but enough of them do that the pace never begins to drag, and they are all delivered in such a hostile, punchy manner that you cannot help but laugh. Billie the blonde, in particular, keeps up a running stream of innuendo and cool-kid slang that lends her character a comic-book charm. Tura Satana, by contrast, shouts every single line of her dialogue like a drill instructor, and treats her comrades with a kind of gleeful hostility that borders on psychosis. She did all of her own stunts, and apparently basically wrote her own dialogue as well. I'm not sure this movie isn't a secret documentary about some murders she did in the 60s.

The Old Man, the Vegetable (this is what he is credited as...) and Kirk make up the rest of the cast, and they complement Satana's madness without stealing the show. One of the highlights of the film involves the musclebound Vegetable in a contest of strength with Satana's car.

There are some surprisingly literary elements to this film. The relationship between the Old Man and the Vegetable is very Frankenstein, with some Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde thrown in there as well, in a dynamic that I like to call the "Master Blaster." Basically anytime you've got a smaller, physically incapable family member who abuses their mentally less capable but physically powerful family member to enact their goals, you've got a Master Blaster, and these guys are definitely one. The Vegetable is played as a tragic creation of his father's abuse and his own mental handicaps, and he comes across as genuinely sympathetic.

Kirk has one of the best lines, when Satana is seducing him, he is keenly aware that he's being manipulated, but he's also aware of his own humanity:
"Because you're a beautiful animal, and I'm weak. And I want you."

The cars are awesome, despite the driving scenes being made somewhat sillier by cutting between stunt drivers actually driving and the actresses sitting in stationary cars being bounced around on a set. An extended gag is made out of a filling station attendant being unable to locate the gas-cap on a porsche, and it feels like an Abbot and Costello gag. That same scene has one Satana's best lines. The attendant's eyes wander down to her expansive cleavage as he talks about wanting to explore America, to which she responds:
"Well you're not going to find it down here, Columbus." Classic.

Overall I have to give this one 4/5. It's far from perfect, but it was much weirder and more interesting than I expected it to be. 60s cinema continues to surprise and delight.

Edit: I wanted to take a moment to point out some weird parallels that I noticed between these two films, outside the body of the main reviews.

Both of these movies deal with a reclusive family of three men with a dark secret living in the desert of the American West. Both families involve an abusive father figure who is physically limited, and a massive, childlike son, and both movies make the sexual/romantic attraction felt by the childlike giant towards the female leads the source of friction between them. Both families have apparently hidden bodies on their property, and both maintain a thin veneer of normality that allows them to exist in public before we see their true colors. Leatherface in the sequel is treated much more as an abused manchild who is not really responsible for his actions, much the same way that the Vegetable is essentially Lenny from Of Mice and Men. There are a bunch of little things as well, but the parallels between the two families are almost too much to be coincidence. I'm curious if Tobe Hooper was a fan of Faster, Pussycat.

Edit2: Oh! I almost forgot the best line in Pussycat. Early on, one of her comrades describes Satana's character, Varla, as "a velvet glove, cast in iron" which is just chilling.

Edit3: Because I just can not stop talking about Roar; the only time an actual plot development tries to happen is when representatives of the local government show up to tell Noel that he can't have a billion lions, and they'll do something about it if he doesn't let them hunt some of them. Then tigers interrupt the scene to sink the government officials' boats and pretty savagely maul the main antagonist. He doesn't really have to fake his vitriol in the later sequence where he goes to try and exterminate the animals, but he does have to crawl for his life as he is viciously savaged by Togar the lion. This man was probably perfectly nice in real life, but his role as the villain in this movie got him brutally attacked once on accident, and once on purpose. They needed a heroic climax, so they had Togar kill the evil poacher. But Togar was not an actor. He was an adult male lion who we had already seen square up with whole groups of his lion opps. This movie was an attempted mass murder that somehow failed to kill anyone.
 
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Murders in the Rue Morgue (1932) and Hellhole (1985)
Tonight I watched a double feature of Murders in the Rue Morgue (1932) and Hellhole (1985). Both salacious shockers from wildly different eras.

Murders in the Rue Morgue is based on a short story by Edgar Allen Poe. I haven't read that story, but I have read a lot of Poe, and watched a lot of Poe adaptations. I tend to enjoy them, and find his work engaging both as literature and as fodder for adaptation. The 1932 adaptation of the story stars Bela Lugosi, Sidney Fox, and Leon Waycoff, and it wavers between a more traditional gothic reading of Poe's style and a flashy visual spectacle leveraging the medium of film.

Lugosi is in his prime here. He's menacing, bizarre, and a little bit alluring. Those eyebrows are almost hypnotic. I don't know that I've seen Leon Waycoff in anything before, but he was great as well, so I might have to look for more of his work. Sidney Fox does an admirable turn as a damsel in distress in a role that is eerily prescient of the next year's King Kong. Overall the performances are great, and the dialogue drips with gothic poetry, presumably taken directly from the short story, which gives our players some solid material to work with.

The plot revolves around Legosi's character Dr. Mirakle, a man of science who seeks to definitively prove man's descent from an ancestral ape by performing a successful transfusion of blood from his captive "gorilla" Erik into a human. It's an interesting plot, not least because it is set in 1884, before the discovery of blood types, and was shot in 1932, only a generation after their discovery, and in a time when blood transfusion was still very new and not well understood. Rhesus types wouldn't be discovered, allowing for safe human blood transfusions, until 1939.

Mirakle seems less focused on the technical obstacles to his work, however, and more on ensuring that he only uses beautiful women as his test subjects. When his first victim (that we see) predictably dies after receiving an injection of Erik's blood, he blames her, yelling "Your blood is rotten! As black as your sins!" and then disposes of her body through a sick trap-door setup.

Erik the Ape-Man is portrayed by a man in a pretty good ape suit in wide shots, but for some reason they decided to film a chimpanzee for the close-ups. I understand that contemporary audiences wouldn't have known much about different species of ape, but they don't look anything alike, and the chimp is clearly much smaller. They also call him a gorilla, a baboon, and an Ape-Man, so the movie itself is kind of unclear on what he's supposed to be.

The climax of the movie is honestly so similar to King Kong, down to a limp heroine being carried aloft the rooftops by an Ape mad with lust and rage, that I had to google which came out first. This one beat Kong to theaters by a year, and to be fair, it's based on an even older story, and the rest of the plot is pretty distinct. Still, it's an interesting parallel.

The humor is pretty solid, and there is a scene where the gendarmes are investigating the abduction of Sidney Fox which lampoons the police in a way that I always appreciate. Waycoff shines as a sort of put-upon sherlock holmes in that scene, leading the gendarmes (who are set on arresting him and committing him as a madman) along as he works out where the body of Erik's victim is hidden. Also, while there are a couple of scenes that take place in the morgue, none of the film's several murders occur there, making the title completely unrelated to the events of the movie.

Overall I give this one 4.5/5, with the only real blemish being Erik's whole deal.

Edit: I would be remiss in not mentioning that this movie is a product of its time in more than just the scientific details. The opening sequence takes place at a carnival in Paris, where the white wife of an audience member wonders aloud if the brown-skinned Arabian dancers are really brown, or if they paint their skin. There is a pretty cringeworthy depiction of American natives as well. Most of the characters are ostensibly french, but they speak with a mix of English and American accents. It doesn't earn full marks for cultural sensitivity is what I'm saying. That said, for a film dealing with the topic of evolution and prejudice in the 1930s, it avoids some decidedly more troublesome territory entirely, for which I believe the filmmakers deserve some credit. One of the best lines in the film comes during the Arabian dancer scene as well, when one patron asks another if they bite, and his friend responds "Oh yes, but you have to pay extra for that."



Hellhole is a dirty little skin flick that revels in its lurid subject matter and absurdly over-sexed characters. At one point the sadistic Dr. Fletcher responds to her colleague's chiding at allowing her sexual hang-ups to influence her work "At least I have sexual hang-ups. You don't even have sex!"

Judy Landers plays Susan, who's mother is brutally murdered on the orders of a corrupt doctor/politician. Ray Sharkey plays the sleazy hired killer employed by Dr. Munroe to silence Susan's mother and recover 'The Papers' which serve as the plot's macguffin. Richard Cox plays Ron, a loose cannon investigator for the state board of medical ethics, and Mary Woronov plays the villainous Dr. Fletcher.

There is a lot of full frontal nudity in this flick, as is to be expected of an unabashed sexploitation film. Most of the movie's DNA is taken from the 'women in prison' movies of the 60s and 70s, with a liberal dusting of porno-chic banter mixed in. The violence is omnipresent, but mostly pretty understated, until the climax, which has some very satisfying moments.

Susan is forcibly committed to a mental institution run by Dr. Fletcher, to be treated for amnesia brought on by the shock of the attack. Ray Sharkey infiltrates the facility to keep an eye on her and discover the whereabouts of the papers. Unbeknownst to Sharkey and his boss, Dr. Fletcher is using the facility to test her chemical lobotomy procedure on troublesome patients.

While the film doesn't really have anything new to say or do, it does at least have excellent taste in what it cribs from. The lighting throughout the film is evocative of Italian Giallo films like Suspiria, and the cinematography incorporates some of the more dynamic elements common to horror films at the time. There is a certain cache in just presenting a lot of beautiful nude women on screen as well, and this movie has that in spades.

There is a lot of drug use in this picture too, and not just abstracted hollywood drugs, they show people snorting crystal meth and huffing glue out of a plastic baggie. I suppose it's meant to contrast the kind of drugs the women chose to self-medicate with and the drugs the doctors wanted them to take, as well as with the lobotomizing formula being cooked up by Dr. Fletcher. In practice it just lends another layer of hedonistic spectacle to a film already centered entirely in the Id.

I'm a sucker for honest sleaze, and that's exactly what this is. I can't give it 5 stars, for a whole host of reasons, but it does deserve a solid 4/5.



As an aside, I'd like to encourage anyone who pops in to read these to say hello. I'd love to hear other people's thoughts on these films, but even if you haven't seen any of them, it's nice to know you aren't just shouting into the void. I can see the view counter creeping up, so I know you're out there. I promise I don't bite.
 
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Screwballs (1983)
Yesterday was a long, hard day at work, and I felt like putting something completely mindless on, which is how I found myself watching Screwballs (1983) for the first time.

This is the platonic ideal of the 80s sex comedy, as far as I'm concerned. Every element of this film is in actively bad taste; the characters are all vapid cartoon characters, the plot revolves around an attempted sexual assault, it all takes place in a hyper-stylized suburban America where everyone is lethal levels of horny all the time, and black people are mythical creatures rarer than bigfoot.

Despite each discrete element working as hard as possible to render this an unwatchable trash fire, the film is a triumph of escapist fantasy. I want to live in the world where this movie takes place (minus the racial homogeneity). The vision of America presented in this film is at total odds with the bleak, puritanical dystopia that I grew up in. T&A High School exists in a bizarre alternate timeline where sex positivity completely annihilates the divisions between cliques and classes. Everyone is too horny to actually exclude or other anyone else, and every single person is primarily concerned with getting laid above all else. Home invasion and sexual assault become victimless crimes because everyone is genuinely so oversexed that once the clothes come off any reluctance is forgotten. Jocks and Nerds unite in their quest to see as many titties as possible. It is impossible to imagine genuine poverty or war in this world, because that would just be a bummer, and the world of Screwballs runs entirely on Good Vibes. The plot, such as it is, revolves around the single holdout within the community to this way of thinking, Purity Bush.

Purity is the only virgin at T&A, and the main cast of male delinquents simply cannot abide that. They set out to try and score with the mythical Ice Queen, or at least see her naked, and somehow she still comes off as the Bad Guy. I think it's because in the world of Screwballs, she is genuinely antisocial in a way that is confusing and upsetting to the general horndog population of the town. By the strange logic of the movie, bringing Purity down to the level of everyone else is a fully heroic act.

The first few minutes of the movie are the weakest, which may just be a result of the psychological whiplash required to get into the right state of mind for what you are about to see. Once the film gets up to speed it maintains a breakneck pace of innuendo, physical gags, and nudity that make it impossible to look away. I was expecting the humor in this movie to be a lot more hit-and-miss than it was, largely because there is a refreshing lack of the homophobia and mean-spirited bullying that underpin so, so many 80s high school comedies. Instead, this film is relentlessly positive about life, friendship, and casual sex with multiple partners, and the humor reflects that.

The T&A High cheerleading squad appears to practice pelvic thrusts and some kind of bust-enhancing exercise to the exclusion of all actual cheering. One of the gang is a guy named Jerkovski, and he is constantly getting detention for masturbating in unlikely places, which is played as a hilarious and not at all disgusting character trait. One of the other guys is a rich preppie type, and for some reason he carries a tennis racquet with him in every single scene. The school opens an airplane repair shop in one scene, and this is not questioned or examined at all, largely because the gang doses the whole school with Spanish Fly at the opening.

You get the picture.

There is a lot of nudity in this movie, but honestly less than I expected given that the plot revolves around trying to see titties specifically. There isn't much male nudity, but there is one memorable sequence involving a bowling ball and a surprisingly fit geek, and the men are treated as sex objects to nearly the same degree that the women are.

Probably the element that does the most to hoist this film above the sea of contemporaries is the care put into the set design. There are wonderful, hilarious details hidden in just about every shot of the film. One of my favorite gags involves a character named Muffy, related entirely through graffiti proclaiming Muffy's sexual appetites and prowess, on walls, notebooks, and streetsigns through the film, and culminating in a two-second shot of a girl in the crowd at the climactic final scene, wearing a T-Shirt that says 'I'm Muffy.' The character is never referred to in any dialogue, as far as I can tell, but she became an indelible part of the atmosphere of T&A High, and having her appear in person demonstrates an eye for environmental storytelling that is simply head and shoulders above most of the other films in this genre.

Overall I was very surprised by how much I liked this movie. I expected to tune out and just let the crass 80s humor wash over me, but instead I found myself actively engaged the whole time, and I let out a genuine cheer at the end. 4.5/5 stars, and I would have made it a round 5 if they had included any people of color at all.

Edit: The specific moment when I realized I was going to actually enjoy this movie is when the gang are all waiting in the principal's office, awaiting their detention, and discussing Purity Bush. One of the boys asks "Do you think she's really a virgin?" to which the responses are: "No girl is." "My sister is." ... "My mom is." It's such a dumb little joke, but the delivery is fucking perfect, and as soon as I clocked what he had said I felt myself tune into the movie completely for the first time. If that joke falls flat for you, you probably won't like this one as much as I did.

Edit2: Oh! Oh! I can't believe I forgot to mention that one of the members of the gang, Rick, has not one, but two incredibly well done drag scenes in the movie. It is exactly the kind of thing that would be the punchline of a joke in any other movie in this genre, but instead, Rick's performance is played completely straight (lol) and the humor is derived from other elements of the scenes. It's a 100% positive portrayal of drag performance by the male lead in a movie that came out in 1983. It's hard to convey how unexpectedly progressive the ethos of this movie is, given that it does still center around a series of what are actually awful crimes in our world. The people in this movie are simply better than we are, and above silly things like prejudice and bigotry, because those things just get in the way of having fun and getting laid. The home invasion scene I mentioned earlier includes further evidence of this. Tim, the new kid in the gang, sneaks into Purity's house to seduce her, but finds himself in her mother's room. Her mother is desperately horny because Purity's father is sexually neglectful, and so she fully embraces a stranger entering her room to ravish her. The father, on the other hand, discovers them in bed and responds violently, but not because of the infidelity. He is a raving anti-communist, and believes that Tim is an invading Russkie. Purity and her Father are the only two characters in the move who display a hatred or even real dislike of anybody else, and they are also sexually-repressed narcissists. The clear message is that hating people is for squares who don't get laid, and I can absolutely get behind that.

Edit3: There is a sequence in the film that takes place at a classic drive-in theater, and the film that is being shown is The Arena with Pam Grier, although it is billed as The Wild Women of Wongo (probably because that's a much better title, and because Screwballs is set in the 60s, while The Arena came out in 1974). Just further evidence of the surprisingly good taste Linda Shayne and Jim Wynorski apparently had.
 
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Zardoz (1974)
Last night I watched Zardoz (1974) for the first time.

The only thing I knew about this movie going into it is that it features Sean Connery wearing bandoliers and a speedo, and it certainly delivered on that front.

From the very first moments, this film lets you know that it is going to be weird and thoughtful in a way that I was absolutely not anticipating. The titular Zardoz, also known as Arthur Frayn, informs us, in an opening monologue delivered as a floating head, that the film is his story, but only one possible version of that story, and it has already happened, but is still only a potential future. Frayn reveals to us right from the start that he is a magician and a fake god, and seems aware that he is fictional as well. In that vein, he leaves us with this banger of a line: "Who conjured you out of the clay? Is God in show business too?"

What follows is a psychedelic episode that vacillates between dream and nightmare. Zardoz reigns over the Brutals of Outland, demanding sacrifice and dispensing the gift of Gun! He dictates from on high that 'The Gun is Good. The Penis is Evil.' to his rabid gang of executioners. One of these men is Zed, played by Connery, who we discover is far more than a simple Brutal.

Within the first ten minutes of the film Zed kills his god and hijacks his flying stone head, using it to invade heaven, or 'Vortex 4.' Within the vortex lives a society of immortal, telepathic communists, Arthur Frayn being one of their number. Vortex 4 is a disorienting blend of the mundane and the absurd. Quaint little village houses are surrounded by strange inflatable pods containing nude human bodies, a motif that repeats throughout the film. We learn eventually that these bodies are in fact Eternals who's bodies were damaged or destroyed, and whom the Tabernacle is resurrecting.

The Eternals themselves are quickly revealed to be bored to tears of immortality, and their society has broken down almost entirely. Wrongthink is punished by forced aging, and the 'renegades' live in a sort of commune in the woods, collectively senile. Others, the Apathetics, simply do not respond to outside stimuli anymore. They have gone completely catatonic. Others simply do their best to hide their growing malaise, and we see an Eternal put on trial for the crime of Bad Vibes.

Our guide to this strange world is Friend, who seems to be a museum curator of some kind, and the most vocal malcontent we see among the Eternals. The Vortex is ostensibly committed to absolute equality, but in practice we see that this is clearly not so, and the Vortex is dominated by May and Consuela, a scientist and some sort of civic leader. A lot of the text of this film serves as a critique of utopian communist thinking, while not outright rejecting the premise. It's a fascinating work because it could so easily devolve to pure reactionary nonsense, but John Boorman was clearly committed to making a film with something real to say. There is a demonstration of the concept of 'instant democracy,' something that was technologically just not possible at the time this film was made, but which has become more and more plausible with the maturation of the internet and the ubiquity of internet-connected devices. The utopia created by the Eternals is treated seriously, and both its flaws and its merits presented for examination.

Zardoz himself is something of an oddity. He was tasked by the other Eternals with managing the Outlands, and left to his own devices on how to do it. There is some more social critique here about how liberal democracies are frequently built on the exploitation and colonization of others, and that there is often a veil of ignorance between the populace and the knowledge of how their bread is made. Zed is one of his chosen mutants, indoctrinated to kill, then forced to play the role of slave master, and eventually enlightened with the knowledge of reading, all in service to Frayn's larger plans for the Vortex.

Sexuality is another core theme of the work. The Eternals have no real need to reproduce, and when they do so, they do it without sexual contact, producing a child from pure psychic will. May, the scientist, becomes fascinated with Zed and his raw, aggressive sexuality. She does a whole study on boners. This vacillates between being kind of uncomfortable, to proposing some interesting thoughts about the role of sexuality in a community, and the predatory nature of Zed's own sexual attraction. Notably he is not aroused by simple nudity, but by May's fear of him. This aspect of his character is frequently called back to, as a sort of reminder that Zed is not really a hero, but an animal produced by his environment, and by Frayn specifically. At one point in the film Zed resists a psychic assault by perpetrating a sexual assault. The movie has a lot to say about a lot of different things, but does a pretty good job of tying them all together into a single thesis about community, exploitation, and power. The many, many parallels to Brave New World are surely not accidental.

There is something of a 'twist' reveal, but it is honestly so heavily foreshadowed and implied that it seems a little odd to assume that the audience wouldn't understand it unless it was spelled out for them. Essentially, Frayn plants the idea of a fake god manipulating society for his own gain from behind a curtain in Zed's mind by leading him to the book 'The Wizard of Oz.'

Wizard-of-Oz. Zardoz.

That is the seed that grows into Zed's rebellion against god, and his eventual liberation of the Eternals from the yoke of immortality.

This is a very good movie, far better than I was expecting, and much better than all of the marketing around it would seem to indicate. It has some rough elements, and it is very clearly the vision of one man, unconcerned with producing a marketable message, but there is real substance here. It feels like a high budget version of an Outer Limits episode on mushrooms, and I mean that in the best possible way. 4.5/5 stars, definitely recommended, especially for fans of Sci-Fi with big concepts and bizarre visuals, in the vein of 2001: A Space Odyssey, and Terry Gilliam's Brazil.
 
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Scanners (1981)
Tonight I watched Scanners (1981) for the first time.

I love Michael Ironside so much. Starship Troopers is one of my all time favorite movies, and since then, every time I see him on screen it elevates a film for me. Seeing him here as a psychic renegade with the power to literally blow your mind was a real treat.

Stephen Lack was also great as the heroic Cameron Vale, and Patrick McGoohan gave a moody, melodramatic performance as Dr. Ruth.

Where Zardoz's Eternals are sedate and melancholy in their psychic emanations, the Scanners are alive with ecstasy and terror. The dissonant keening that accompanies the instances of 'scanning', alongside distorted voices and other audio artifacts, makes the process seem deeply unpleasant for every party involved, although we learn that this is not necessarily always the case. Nonetheless, the facial performances by Ironside and Lack are something to behold, and despite being objectively ridiculous, they completely work alongside that discordant soundtrack and dramatic framing.

If you haven't seen this movie, it's where that .gif of a dude in a suit's head exploding comes from. That moment comes shockingly early in the runtime, and is sadly the only total head explosion in the movie. There are tons of other cool psychic powers on display though, from telepathy and mind control to telekinesis and fire-starting. At one point Cameron reads the mind of a computer, which is pretty silly, but it sort of works alongside the techno-thriller narrative the move has going for it. The practical effects are varied and thoroughly entertaining, especially during the final psychic duel between Cameron and Ironside's Darryl Revok.

The explanation for how 'scanning' works is kind of like a quantum entanglement of two nervous systems, which is pretty cool. Dr. Ruth describes it as "the direct linking of two nervous systems separated by space." He also describes scanning in a bunch of deeply purple prose, like "a derangement of the synapses called telepathy" that really only works because he delivers the lines through a luxurious beard and mustache with the affect of a man who has been dipping into the company ketamine.

There are some decent action sequences, although I was oddly distracted by the sheer number of shotguns in this movie. Nearly every gun we see is a shotgun of some kind, and we see a lot of guns. It had to be a deliberate choice, and maybe I'm just missing some context that makes it make sense because I was not alive in 1981 when this came out, but it was conspicuous enough that I was thinking about that instead of what was happening on screen during at least a couple of scenes. During one car chase sequence, a panel van opens up gun ports along the side and issues forth a shotgun broadside like a 17th century pirate ship. It's weird.

Jennifer O'Neill plays Kim Obrist, and does a fine job. She spends most of the runtime being traumatized either by seeing her friends die or being forced to kill people with her mind, remarking at one point "Now I know what it feels like to die." She and her friends were a group of Scanners living outside the control of Dr. Ruth or Darryl Revok, until Cameron crashed into their lives and Revok sent in the shotgun squad.

The computer I mentioned earlier is a charmingly retro 80s mainframe computer, with terminal access. Very much before my time, but instantly familiar from playing the Fallout video games. The description of its magnetic tape reel-to-reel system as a "nervous system" by Dr. Ruth is a bit of a stretch, but the payoff of seeing Cameron do psychic battle with a computer is well worth the effort to suspend disbelief. The beginning of the scene brings to mind the real life 'Phone Phreakers' who could manipulate systems connected to the telephone network with audio recordings and even by whistling specific tones. Those guys basically had real technopathic powers, enabled by the weird way our communications infrastructure was set up. In any case, it's one of the best fight scenes between a man in a phone booth and computer in a building miles away ever put to film, for sure.

There is a kind of corporate espionage subplot that involves the production and distribution of a drug that suppresses Scanners' abilities (with some other effects that we discover later.) That angle creates some parallels to the real world Thalidomide scandal, as well as historical medical experimentation on the public, such as the Tuskeegee experiment, that give the plot some scope, and long-term implications.

The ending is simply fantastic, I won't ruin it by going into detail, but it's a lot of fun. Overall I feel this was a solid 4/5, with excellent practical effects, a moody and melodramatic atmosphere, and a surprisingly complex plot. Enjoyers of techno-thrillers, body horror, and beloved character actor Michael Ironside should definitely check this one out.

Edit: Apparently they tried a bunch of different things for the head explosion, and in the end they went with a guy laying behind the desk and blowing the dummy away with a shotgun. It's like these filmmakers had access to a bottomless supply of shotguns (maybe from Zardoz?) and decided to work them into the film at all possible intervals. It's bizarre, but it works.
 
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Gymkata (1985)
I started today off with Gymkata (1985) because I couldn't get the subtitles to work on my copy of Gamera: Guardian of the Universe, and the dubbed version doesn't translate the on-screen text.

Gymkata tells the story of Jonathan Cabot (Kurt Thomas), an Olympic gymnast who is recruited by the US government for a top secret mission to the secluded country of Parmistan (lol), where a dangerous game (basically just an obstacle course) is held and the winner entitled to a single wish. The government wants Cabot to exchange his wish for permission to install a Star Wars surveillance satellite over the country, because this movie is a true product of the mid 80s. The feds sweeten the deal by telling Cabot that his father was a secret spy who was sent in to attempt the Game himself.

This movie straight up does not have a first act. There is a brief prologue where we see Cabot's father attempt to win the Game, intercut with shots of the younger Cabot at the Olympics, and then Jonathan is thrust into a training montage that also lets him speedrun the romantic subplot of the movie (with his conveniently mute-by-choice love interest, so we can skip all the unnecessary dialogue). Then he's off to Parmistan and a series of very silly fight scenes where he gets to do gymnastics to people with the aid of conveniently placed parallel bars and pommel horses among the anachronistic 19th century streets of the city.

Princess Rubali (Tetchie Agbayani) and her father The Khan (Buck Kartalian) are fun most of the time, and they have good chemistry with one another. The Khan in particular comes off as a pretty good king, if a little naive. His villainous vizier Zamir (Richard Norton) is suitably musclebound and nefarious. Kurt Thomas was apparently a real Olympic athlete. He won a bunch of World Championship medals, but never medalled at the Olympics themselves. I know absolutely nothing about gymnastics, but I guess he seemed like he was good at it. It does not make for a convincing fighting style, however.

The plot of this movie is silly, but fine, and the stunts are well done (if silly as well a lot of the time) but the technical aspects of this film are seriously lacking. There is a tremendous reliance on slow-motion and scenes that refuse to end just to make it to a 90 minute runtime. You could edit this thing down to a lean 45 minute TV special and not really lose anything in the process. The music also frequently does not match the tone of the action on screen, and it sometimes feels like they just didn't have anything that fit, so they reused other parts of the score. In that same vein, the ADR made necessary by the slow-motion sequences is not done well, which wouldn't be a big problem if those scenes were not so incredibly long.

Overall I feel this is a 3/5. It could have been tightened up and been more watchable, but not without bringing it below feature length. There's just not much movie here.
 
Bloodpsort (1988)
I followed up Gymkata with Bloodsport (1988).

Let me begin by saying that the real life Frank Dux is a delusional fraud, and literally one of the subjects of the original Stolen Valor. For the rest of this review, you can assume that any time I refer to Dux, I am referring to the 100% fictional character, and not the real-life fraudster.

The story of Frank Dux (in one of Jean-Claude Van Damme's first leading roles) is a simple, bloody spectacle. Dux is a young man who was taken under the wing of a world-renowned martial artist and who wishes to achieve the dream of his master's late son to seize victory in the Kumite. The Kumite is an underground, full-contact martial arts tournament held every five years by a clan of ninjas to determine who their greatest fighter is. The Kumite depicted in the film is the first time the event has been opened up to westerners, and fighters from all over the world have flocked to Hong Kong to take part.

Dux is some kind of military badass, and he has to keep his participation in the tournament a secret from the higher ups, who are apparently more concerned with him getting hurt in an MMA fight than whatever it is that he does for the military. Not getting shot at, I guess. Maybe he's a translator or something, and that's why they care so much about him? In any case, he goes AWOL and two agents (one played by a young Forest Whitaker) are dispatched to ineffectually tail him and periodically threaten him with tasers.

On his way out of the country, Dux stops at the home of his aging master, Tanaka (Roy Chiao) and we are treated to a flashback sequence that details all of Dux' history with Tanaka, while occasionally cutting back to Van Damme's impassive face to remind us that there's a present-day narrative that we'll be getting back to any day now. Most of the training montage content of this martial arts flick is also flashback content, like a delicious trope sandwich.

Once he's in Hong Kong, Dux quickly encounters Ray Jackson (Don Gibb), a foul-mouthed and publicly drunken sex pest, but an instantly loyal friend to Dux. Gibb's performance reminded me a lot of Mick Foley's in-ring persona Mankind, and I kind of wonder if he was a fan of this movie. The two men share a strong physical resemblance as well. Leah Ayres plays Janice, a reporter in Hong Kong to uncover the secrets of the Kumite, and to be Dux' love interest.

The Kumite takes place within the Kowloon Walled City, which is a fascinating little bit of geography itself that sadly (or happily, probably, I never had to live there) no longer exists. It is also apparently regulated by the 'IFAA' or the International Fighting Arts Association. It's just so like a sports movie to have an organizing body for an illegal underground fighting ring. With the regulatory body apparently comes a need to demonstrate that you belong in the tournament, which Dux does by performing the Dim Mak, the 'death touch', on a stack of bricks, shattering the bottom brick but leaving the others intact. It's a fun moment.

The tournament makes up most of the rest of the movie, and it's pretty great. Lots of different fighters with different styles get to show off, and despite being coordinated by real-life fraudster Frank Dux, the fight choreography is more than competent, it's flashy and fun. The Heel role is filled by Chong Li (Bolo Yeung) who performs with charm and style. He does the Terry Crews jumping pecs thing a lot too, which is fun. The editors did him a little dirty by not dubbing in any sound for his cheers and celebrations, making him look like a silently screaming weirdo in those sequences. Jackson abuses his opponents on the mat with the drunken grace of a trailer park wrestler, which is a nice contrast to Dux' more refined and reserved style. They both make really wild facial expressions though, which is great. The fights are filled with great moments, like Dux uppercutting a sumo wrestler in the 'nads, and Chong Li snapping a kick-boxer's femur.

The dialogue in this film is serviceable, with some genuinely funny jokes sprinkled throughout, and a lot of line readings that are elevated to unintentional comedy by their scenery-chewing deliveries. Probably the best line is Jackson retorting "I ain't your pal, dickface!"

This movie mostly takes itself very seriously, which is funny because it is a deeply silly premise and the lead actor could barely speak English at the time. The blend of unintentional humor and solid fight sequences make for a thoroughly enjoyable watch, and I feel like this one is a solid 4/5 stars. The end credits begin with a series of title cards claiming a bunch of bullshit about Frank Dux' mythical achievements, but they're worth ignoring because the credits roll to the theme song 'Fight to Survive' which is a fucking banger. I recommend this one if you enjoy martial arts flicks, goofy Orientalism, or want to see Van Damme in one of his first roles.

Edit: @tashkal over at rpg.net informed me that there was an all-female remake of Bloodsport that came out in 2016, called Lady Bloodfight. They are also apparently working on a ttrpg inspired by 80's beat-em-ups, which sounds amazing.
 
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Deepstar Six (1989)
We've been getting rain for the first time in months, and I wanted to celebrate with some underwater films. Tonight I watched Deepstar Six (1989).

1989 saw the release of about a billion underwater thrillers. The Abyss, Leviathan, and even The Little Mermaid came out that year. Deepstar Six falls into the sub-category of underwater films that were also Alien rip-offs, which is not a small number, but I feel it handles the premise fairly well. For what it's worth, this one was a TriStar picture, and that Pegasus (especially the classic version) has rarely steered me wrong.

The plot follows a team of Navy technicians working on a deep-sea underwater platform to install missiles on the seabed. The project is apparently headed by a private citizen, Van Gelder (Marius Weyers), and he is pressed for time for some reason. This urgency leads him to rush the job and call for his team to detonate explosives over an undersea cavern. The entirely predictable consequences of that act play out over the rest of the runtime.

I was happy to see Miguel Ferrer again, and he had a sizeable role in this film as Snyder, which I enjoyed immensely. The cookie-cutter 80s action badass lead is McBride, played by Greg Evigan (Looking this guy up led me down a rabbit-hole ending in TekWar, a sci-fi series by William Fucking Shatner). There are three women among the crew, which was a refreshing gender balance for this kind of movie. Collins (Nancy Everhard) is McBride's love interest, and I'm not sure what her actual navy job is. Scarpelli (Nia Peeples) is some kind of scientist, and she is the first to raise concerns about the cavern and its possible inhabitants. Dr. Norris (Cindy Picket) is the base's medical officer, and one of the most level headed and competent members of the crew. Captain Phil Laidlaw (Taurean Blacque) does a serviceable Carl Weathers impression, aided by a glorious mustache. A young Elya Baskin also appears in this as a geo-scientist of some kind. Thom Bray and Ron Carroll play submarine pilots and the first hapless victims of this film's creature.

The last member of the crew is Richardson, played by Matt McCoy. I had an instant dislike of Richardson, and I couldn't put my finger on why (other than the fact that he's a smarmy, leering creep in this movie), so I googled him and realized that he's the bad guy from that episode of Star Trek where Troi and Crusher do jazzercise in the hallway.

The miniatures and practical effects, as well as the designs of the mini-sub interiors were all excellent. This film had a budget of only 8 million dollars, and they spent their money well. It's not the best looking movie that came out that year, but it's far from the worst. The creature design is great, and Sean Cunningham does a good job of teasing it out over the course of the film. The first time we see the creature, it has already claimed several lives, and it erupts from a hatch like an aquatic Graboid. That first look is impressive, but the monster has a few more tricks up its sleeve that keep the tension up even once it has been partially revealed. There are some very nice gore effects, including a chest explosion from a shark dart.

The crew have a chemistry that works, despite being so clearly cribbed from Alien, down to the breakfast table they all talk shit at. Both the Navy folks and civilians, with the exception of Van Gelder, exude an easy blue collar competence that I appreciate in this kind of movie. Snyder is visibly at the end of his rope from the first moment, but the other crew members manage him to varying degrees of success, with the familiarity of people who have been living and working together, in tight quarters, for months. The dialogue is cheesy, and most of the jokes are lame, but there are moments of real humanity between the crew, and especially between each of the crew members and Snyder, as his mental state deteriorates.

The sequences that were actually shot underwater were well done as well. The movie takes the time to establish that McBride can hold his breath for long periods without needing to spell it out, or like lampshade it with a swimming trophy in his bunk, which I appreciated. In general all of the action and stunts were quite grounded, and the only places where the budget really showed through were in the exterior miniature shots of the mini-sub rescue scene, because the miniature kept moving around in ways I'm pretty sure it wasn't meant to.

In the latter half of the movie things conform pretty closely to the formula for 80s thrillers, with each character revealing some heartwarming personal detail shortly before they are killed off, and a final couple forming as the survivors are picked off. Greg Evigan does a serviceable job as McBride, but neither he nor Nancy Everhard's Collins have much in the way of charisma, and once they are the last of the crew left alive, it's kind of a relief that the movie is nearing it's explosive conclusion (that would be recreated almost exactly in Deep Blue Sea years later). That's not to say that I didn't enjoy this one, I very much did, but the core couple are not the strongest part of the film.

One last thing that I thought was funny is how casually it is revealed that the missiles they are installing are nukes. I guess it would have been obvious in 1989, but the cold war was in its last sputtering months when I was born (at least according to the history books I read in school, I imagine the books written in the future will have something different to say about this period) a few years later, and that subtext completely flew over my head until it was spelled out. The base is also powered by a nuclear reactor, which provides a nice ticking clock for the climax, as it approaches meltdown.

Overall, this is a fun mashup of genres that failed to really stand out from the crowd upon release, but I think it's one of the better attempts to cash in on the trend of the year while still making something watchable. I give this one a 3.5/5 stars, mostly for the miniature and prop work, and Miguel Ferrer's performance as Snyder.



Now, the most important question, has anyone here watched TekWar? I am so tempted to binge watch the series, but I can easily see it being the kind of thing that's not even 'so bad it's good'. I love Bill Shatner, but the man has made some real turds in his time.
 
Leviathan (1989)
I continued the underwater theme today with Leviathan (1989).

Another of the 1989 underwater thrillers, this film follows almost exactly the same beats as DeepStar Six, but I feel that it has both higher highs and lower lows than that one.

Our team of underwater roughnecks this time are miners extracting silver from the sea bed. I have no idea if this is an economically viable setup, or even if there is silver at the bottom of the Atlantic ocean, but it could not matter less, because it never comes up in relation to the plot.

Peter Weller plays Beck, a geologist tasked with leading the mining team. He is completely monotone the entire film, and I can't decide if he hated making this movie, or if he's just like that. The only non-RoboCop role I have seen him in prior to this was Buckaroo Banzai, where I also noticed that he had a particularly flat aspect compared to the rest of the cast. Was Weller typecast as the stone-faced straight-man, or is this just how he performs every role? If so, I can see why he was picked for RoboCop in the first place. It's not a bad performance exactly, it's just that his emotional reactions (or lack thereof) are jarringly at odds with the scenes happening around him. If he was going for cool and unflappable, it kind of works, but Beck's character arc in this film is about gaining the confidence to stand up to his corporate overlords, so having him be cool as ice from the start is at odds with the text of the film. I'm probably overthinking this, because I want to like Peter Weller, but so far the first RoboCop is the only movie where he seemed to understand the assignment (Although to be fair, he's barely in RoboCop 2 at all).

Richard Crenna (Trautman from First Blood!) plays a world weary and cynically detached Doctor Thompson, in probably the standout performance of the picture (other than Jones). Daniel Stern (One half of the Wet Bandits from the Home Alone movies) plays Six Pack, the requisite drunken sex pest member of the crew. Williams (Amanda Pays) is a posh and proper Brit, who fills the role of Beck's love interest. Cobb (Hector Elizondo) and Jones (Ernie Hudson, Winston from Ghostbusters!) are miners and good union men. Bowman (Lisa Eilbacher) plays the apparently also requisite role of 'girl who likes the drunken sex pest character'. DeJesus (Michael Carmine) is the final member of the team, and I thought he was going to basically be analogous to Miguel Ferrer's character in DeepStar Six, but that ended up being Doc Thompson. Cult movie regular Meg Foster plays Ms. Martin, the human face of Tri-Oceanic, the corporation which owns the mining platform, and who repeatedly delivers the news that the team is not going to be rescued.

The creature in this movie is both far creepier and better looking than the crustacean in DeepStar, and the plot nonsense around its creation is a lot of fun. Basically, the russkies were playing around with genetic engineering, trying to make a fishman, and made something much worse instead. This picture heavily borrows from The Thing, in addition to the standard Alien stuff, and the body horror is done pretty effectively. I noticed that this movie had almost triple the budget of DeepStar, but it really doesn't look like it apart from those effects. The diving suit sequences are great, but there is almost no actual underwater footage in this one, and much fewer miniatures. It doesn't look worse than DeepStar, but apart from the creature, it doesn't look better either. They just failed to make back their budget, so it seems like the audiences felt the same way at the time (DeepStar Six made almost their whole budget back, but certainly was not a success either).

The chemistry between the characters is somewhat lacking, and while there are some funny lines, there doesn't seem to be the kind of easy camaraderie among the crew that is so important for establishing audience buy-in in this kind of movie. They just don't seem like people who have been working together for 87 days at the start of the film. That said, Hudson's Jones is a welcome ray of sunshine in a number of scenes (even if he's complaining in most of them) and his comedic chops do a lot to carry the movie. That's probably why he was one of the longest surviving crew-members, somewhat contrary to the stereotype (Although ultimately giving in to it in a frankly disappointing display. I wanted Jones to live, and his death was not cool enough to be better than letting him survive in terms of audience satisfaction. The movie was already basically over. That was probably the lowest point in the film, which sucks because it was during the climax. This parenthetical has gone on way too long now.) and why he was the only crew member really shown to have a relationship with more than one of the others.

One of my favorite lines actually was delivered by Weller. He threatens Six Pack at one point, telling him "I'll pop your top. All six of em". At least, I assume that was a threat, it kind of reads a little bit like homoerotic innuendo. The true comedic standout, Jones, responds to the news that Six Pack has some kind of skin condition with "The only 'skin problem' I see is white people," to the white doctor, which is pretty hilarious. Upon the revelation that the creature has eaten the blood supply in the infirmary, he shouts "we got a goddamn Dracula in here with us?" and I will never not find it funny when people refer to all vampires (or blood-sucking lamprey creatures) as Draculas.

While DeepStar focused mostly on stealing the suspenseful elements of Alien, Leviathan opted to lift more of the grungy industrial vibe, and the flamethrower specifically. We only get to see them used briefly, but for much of the film members of the crew are carting around a set of flamethrowers that would not look out of place in Warhammer 40K, as well as some other formidable looking chainsaws and pole-axes.

The action is fairly well paced, although as mentioned, the emotional responses by the characters to what is happening to them are bizarrely muted, again with the exception of Jones. I'm fairly sure that the ending was actually at least two different endings that were cut together, because we see the creature pretty definitively die on-screen, and then it returns to kill Jones. The post-rescue scene has a comedic tone to it that is completely at odds with the entire rest of the movie, culminating in a slapstick gag where Peter Weller punches a woman in the face (with a comic sound effect) and then makes a quip about it. I am convinced they added that bit after realizing that Beck's character arc didn't have a resolution without a confrontation with his boss, because his core flaw had been established as a reluctance to stand up to her, and he doesn't do that in a meaningful way prior to escaping the mining platform.

Overall I enjoyed this one maybe a little more than DeepStar Six. The plot is more ambitious, and the creature far more effective. That's why I feel weird about this, but I'm also going to give it a 3.5/5. I think watching this movie did more to make me cognizant of DeepStar's structural flaws, many of which it shares with this movie, than it did to leave a distinct impression. DeepStar probably should have been a 3, or even a 2.5, and this one only squeaks over to a 3.5 because the creature is so much better, and Ernie Hudson put in some real work here.
 
Deep Rising (1998)
I went ahead and made Deep Rising (1998) the finale to my underwater marathon.

Released in '98 rather than '89, Deep Rising is a fun, dumb, summer schlockbuster.

This movie has a pretty stellar cast. Treat Williams, who I will always love for playing Berger in the Hair film adaptation, plays Finnegan, a hopelessly trusting mercenary boat captain of some sort, who lives by the motto "If the cash is there, we do not care," a credo that immediately lands him in hot water as he takes on a crew of heavily armed criminals without even asking where they are going. Finnegan's ship is crewed by Joey the engineer (Kevin J O'Conner, Beni from The Mummy (1999)), and Leila (Una Damon) who dies so early and unceremoniously that I was sure it was a fake-out all the way until the credits rolled. The fabulous Wes Studi plays Hanover, the leader of the thieves, and his gang includes some great character actors, particularly Jason Flemyng and Djimon Hounsou. Simultaneously with Hanover's heist, cat burglar Trillian (Famke Janssen) is also attempting to rob the floating casino that serves as the location for most of the movie. Anthony Heald rounds out the main cast as the loathsome capitalist behind the Argonautica cruise ship, Simon Canton.

The dialogue is truly terrible, but in a way that wraps around to being fun again. Everyone speaks exclusively in cliches, and the first few minutes include three different characters angrily shouting "X, my ass!" in a way that lets you know the screenwriters thought they were really doing something. The little moments between characters are frequently funny, even if no line of dialogue ever feels like it was delivered by an actual human being. I think my favorite moment is a one such quiet exchange between Finnegan and Joey; "Whatcha got there? Peanut. Peanut? Peanut."

The basic plot is that Hanover's crew have hired Finnegan to get them to an undisclosed location along with a cargo that turns out to be a bunch of torpedoes. They plan to rob the vault of the Argonautica and then scuttle the ship. Canton, the businessman, serves as their man on the inside, hoping to cash in on the insurance policy for the boat to bail him out of his poor financial decisions. These schemes are interrupted by the presence of giant, tentacled worm monsters from the deep. They aren't mutants, or aliens, or prehistoric crustaceans this time, just a nasty beastie that apparently lives in the area, according to the opening text dump. The creatures quickly consume nearly everyone aboard and our heroes have to make their way around the stricken vessel, avoiding the monsters and searching for the loot.

Treat Williams looks and acts bizarrely like Lonestar from SpaceBalls in this movie, but everyone else is so ridiculous that it doesn't stand out as an oddity. Famke Janssen is gorgeous and fun, while Hanover's crew all chew the scenery like mad dogs. Joey was the standout character for me though. He plays the long-suffering-nerd archetype, and does it well, although it really bothers me that his relationship with Leila is made use of in a scene exactly twice before she is killed, and he spends the whole movie not knowing that she's dead, until the end, and then he goes right back to wisecracking after a moment of emotion. The writers clearly did not have a strong direction for his character, so he ends up as the repository for all the comic relief jokes that didn't fit anyone else. The fact that Kevin J O'Conner is genuinely super funny turns the role from one that could have been incredibly abrasive into a solid comic sidekick.

The CGI for the monster is very inconsistent. There are a couple of shots that look very good, especially for 1998, and then there are plenty that look just bad, even for 1998. It was a very ambitious creature design, and I feel that it mostly works, but I will always dock points for CGI creatures where they could have been done more effectively with practical effects, and I do feel that is the case here. The limited locations in the film meant that they could have spent the time putting in place some really good looking animatronics and puppets, but they went 100% digital all the way. The explosions in this are also just terrible, copy-pasted stock effects. I should probably also mention the stupid guns Hanover's crew use. They have rotating-barrel assault rifles, like little mini-miniguns, apparently the cutting edge hardware in China. There are just so many problems with them, but the question that hangs over it all is why someone thought that this movie about CGI tooth-worms needed a fictional firearm in the first place. The prop designer must have been the director's nephew or something.

I had a blast watching this one, but it is truly trash-cinema. I'll give it 3/5, and that's probably too generous.
 
Fortress (1992)
Tonight I pulled down a DVD that I got from a garage sale and promptly forgot about for years, Fortress (1992).

I can't believe I had never seen this movie before. I knew from quickly scanning the case that it starred Christopher Lambert (Highlander) and Kurtwood Smith (That 70s Show, RoboCop), but I was not expecting to see my favorite actor of all time, Jeffrey Combs, especially in such a prominent role. There is almost no marketing copy on the case, so it was a hugely pleasant surprise.

The movie takes place in the distant future of 2017, when the United States has implemented a one-child policy and total ban on abortion, in a flatly contradictory scheme to control a booming population (and harvest babies from newly criminalized mothers). Lambert plays John Brennick, husband to Karen (Loryn Locklin) who is pregnant with her second child. While trying to cross the border into Canada, where they can have their child in peace, the couple are captured and sent to The Fortress, a massive underground Panopticon, lorded over by Poe (Kurtwood Smith) and the AI control system Zed-10 (Carolyn Purdy-Gordon).

The Fortress is a private prison run by Men-Tel, and they treat the prisoners to a hilarious guided tour with heavy reliance on the slogan/motto "Crime Does Not Pay." Zed-10 and Poe inform the prisoners of the security measures in place, including the 'Intestinator,' a combination belly bomb and remote pain device. There are also red and yellow lines that the prisoners are not supposed to cross, upon pain of death. As soon as this is established we see a prisoner cross those lines and set off his Intestinator, and then the lines are never seen or mentioned again. Just a tough break for that guy I guess. The cells within the prison have laser-grid bars, and a series of ceiling-tracked robot cameras serve as Zed-10's eyes and ears. We get to see a surprising amount of full frontal male nudity as the incoming prisoners are processed, which is the only nudity in the film apart from a psychedelic wet dream reconstructed by a computer later in the film, so points for breaking the mold there.

After the tour, Brennick meets his cell-mates, including Gomez (Clifton Collins Jr) the other newbie, Abraham (Lincoln Kilpatrick) the old timer, Stiggs (Tom Towles) the skinhead rapist, and D-Day (Jeffrey Combs) the hippie-dippy bomb-maker. Another prisoner, Maddox, is alluded to but not seen. Stiggs and Maddox are purely stereotypical prison skinheads, and they attempt to rape Gomez pretty much as soon as the prison part of the film starts. It's cheap, gross, homophobic, and easily the worst part of the film. It's a pretty graphic, if brief, depiction, and the only redeeming factor is that it's not played for laughs (in that one scene at least, there is some other homophobic stuff sprinkled throughout).

Zed-10 and Poe are the weirdest part of the movie. She has a camera that can see prisoner's dreams, and seems to be a fully general AI. She and Poe run the prison together, and neither one seems to be totally in charge. Zed-10 controls all of the infrastructure, but we see Poe talk her into all kinds of things, often by making emotional appeals. The best line in the movie is when he yells through a locked door, trying to convince Zed-10 to open it, "Do you know what they'll do to you? You'll be lucky if you end up a Speak-and-Spell!" Over the course of the film we learn that Poe is a cyborg, and that he himself was a baby taken by Men-Tel under the one-child policy. He was modified as an infant and spent his entire life in the control room of the Fortress. Clearly the experience has taken a toll on him, because he spends his time watching the wet dreams of prisoners, to Zed-10's consternation, when he should be punishing them for 'unauthorized thought processes'. The more we learn about Men-Tel and the cyborgs, the more horrific they become, and it's honestly a very effective slow-burn escalation.

A lot of crazy shit happens in this movie. There is a fun gyroscope ride that wipes your brain, leading Karen to use Zed-10's dream camera to Inception her brain-dead husband back to life. Brennick gets savaged by dogs, beaten to a pulp by Maddox, and Intestinated all in one day. D-Day uses the power of magnets to remove everyone's belly bombs, and some fun is had with them after that. Several people get just massive holes blown in their torsos, and once the cyborg soldiers start dying we see some excellently creepy practical effects for their innards, all caked in blue goo. Zed-10 possesses a truck.

I just love Jeffrey Combs' commentary on everything as it happens. When they first take out one of the cyborg guards, he pokes around in the innards, muttering to himself "the shit they're coming up with these days!" He also refers to the bombs in their Intestinators as 'TNT on PMS' which made me giggle a little. Unfortunately, this movie conforms to the standard model of dystopic actioner, and everyone apart from the core couple has to die before the runtime is over, and D-Day is no exception. He gets a triumphant send-off which is nice, but it would be great to see one of these super silly action movies where a few more of the secondary characters make it to the end credits. They even get Gomez in the last few moments, and Abraham was marked for death from the moment he appeared on screen, in all his budget Morgan Freeman glory (He's the other one I would have liked to see live, the non-rapist cellmates were both fun characters with more stories to tell, they should have lived).

This movie is pretty stupid from start to finish, but there are so many elements that I love about it, it's hard to decide what score it deserves. I think I'm going to call it a 2.5/5. If the completely unnecessary prison rape trope was excised completely, I would bump it up another half star at least, but it's more than just a line of dialogue and so it has to be reflected in the score. With that major caveat, I would still recommend this one for fans of Christopher Lambert's hilarious accent, Kurtwood Smith's unnerving smile, or Jeffrey Combs' genius everything.

Edit: I was also distracted by how much Christopher Lambert looks like Thomas Jane (The Punisher, Deep Blue Sea) in this. They are nearly identical, apart from the tips of their noses, and it's weird. I love seeing actor doppelgangers like that, especially when they play similar roles like these two guys frequently do.
 
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Fortress 2: Reentry (2000)
Based solely on the fact that Pam Grier was listed among the cast, I decided to go ahead and watch Fortress 2: Re-Entry (2000).

Christopher Lambert is the only cast member from the original to reprise his role (John Brennick) for this low-budget follow up ($11mil budget vs $48mil for the original). Pam Grier plays the head of Men-Tel, but clearly shot her parts in a single afternoon, mostly in one room, so very disappointing on that front. I suppose that's why she wasn't credited higher despite legitimately being the biggest name in the film beside Lambert. Patrick Malahide plays Peter Teller, Pam's step-son and the supervisor of this movie's new and improved Fortress. It's in space this time. Karen is replaced by Beth Touissant (who played Tasha Yar's sister in an episode of Star Trek) but it's okay because she's even less important to the plot this time around despite playing exactly the same role in it.

The core group of cellmates this time around includes Stan (Willie Garson) who's implant (oh yeah, there are implants again) malfunctions, leaving him absent minded and delirious, Rivera (Liz May Brice) one of Brennick's fellow renegades, Marcus (Anthony C. Hall, who is not listed on IMDB or Wikipedia's pages for this film for some reason, despite having more lines than several of the other characters) the comic relief/tech guy, and Max (Nick Brimble) a secret Russian spy.

Teller runs the prison station with the aid of several bored guards and one total psychopath, Sato (Yuji Okumoto). The tension between Sato and his fellow guard Gordon (Fredric Lehne) gives them something to do other than be faceless goons, which is a decent effort for this kind of film. The prison itself looks worse than the original, and there are fewer shooting locations. Teller's office (and a few of the other locations as well) looks like a dressed-up hotel room, and the control center for Zed this time around is little more than a closet. Also Zed is a kiwi now, and hearing her pronounce 'Death Sentence' as 'Dith Sintince' every time is utterly hilarious.

The dialogue is still terrible, but less fun most of the time. There are a handful of good lines, mostly between Brennick and Marcus, with probably the only clever line in the movie coming while they discuss their escape plan, and building a particular device. The gang has just discovered that their implants allow Zed to see through their eyes, so when Brennick asks if Marcus can build the device they need, and he responds "With my eyes closed," Brennick quips back "That would be the way to do it." so kudos for the exactly one good joke in the movie.

The film manages to be both more and less sleazy than the original. There is no actual rape scene in this one, but the threat of sexual violence is still presented as a joke. There is a lot more nudity, but it is nearly all female. Definitely no conga line of wieners in this one. Pam Grier remains fully clothed as well, so further disappointment abounds.

The plot is essentially the same as the original. Brennick gets caught while on the run with his family, including their now seven year old son Danny (Aiden Ostrogovich), and is spirited away to a supposedly inescapable prison. The actual escape plot is a little more involved this time, and there are a lot of little moments that make me think someone in the writer's room actually cared about this one. It wasn't enough to right the ship, but it was enough to keep me entertained long enough to finish the film. The two characters that sort of sparked my interest, Rivera and Max, get a smidgen of plot focus (and Rivera's breasts get some camera focus) but are left underutilized like many of the best elements of this film.

Overall this is an uninspired follow-up with bad CGI, bad miniature work, and a criminal under-use of Pam Grier. I'll give it back the half-star I shaved off of the original because they made some progress on the sexual assault front, but that still leaves this one hovering around 2.5/5. I would only recommend this one if you saw the first one and loved it exclusively for Christopher Lambert's performance, because there's not really anything else from the original here, and less to recommend it on its own merits.

My final thought is that Wikipedia claims this is an American-Luxembourgish production, and I am just floored at the idea that this is what Luxembourg is doing with all of that gold they have. They're the richest country in the world by density of capital, and they apparently use their hoarded lucre to make bad Christopher Lambert vehicles. I thought that maybe Lambert was from Luxembourg, given his bizarre accent (despite the fact that I had always assumed he was French-Canadian), but that isn't the case. He was born in New York and raised in Switzerland, by French parents. What mad Luxembourgian person decided that the world needed Fortress 2, and why? Anyway, I'm going to watch something with more Pam Grier in it next time.
 
The Arena (1974)
After the sad dearth of Grier that was Fortress 2, I went back to the peak of the exploitation era and watched The Arena (1974), which is indeed 'Female Spartacus'. So much so that Spartacus is explicitly referenced in the dialogue.

This one stars Pam Grier (obviously) as Mamawi, a Nubian dancer captured by a Roman slave patrol. She co-stars with Margaret Markov's Bodicia, (who I'm confident is meant to be a Briton but who repeatedly claims to be from Brittany, which is a little bit funny if you're a big old nerd like me and you know that Britons didn't colonize Armorica and start calling it Brittany until after the fall of the Roman empire) a druidess and fellow slave. Grier and Markov had previously co-starred in 1973's Black Mama, White Mama, another classic exploitation flick.

I'll get right out in front of this thing and mention that there are several instances of forcible sexual assault in this movie, and in one instance it is depicted as a sort of just punishment for one of the film's villains, so if that's a non-starter for you, you might want to give this one a miss. For what it's worth, the first time this happens to a character, as much or more screen time is devoted to the grotesque, leering faces of the men watching on as to the actress' body, making it pretty clear that the film is not intended to be an amoral spectacle, presenting the assault as pure entertainment, there is a grain of commentary underlying all of the violence, sexual and otherwise, which gets highlighted here and there.

Beyond that element, this is an absolutely classic gladiator/sexploitation flick. Both Margaret Markov and Pam Grier are absolutely gorgeous, and the film paints them in fabulous golden sunlight frequently throughout the runtime. They are joined by Deidre (Lucretia Love, which could be a character name in this flick as well) a cheerfully drunken redhead, and Livia (Marie Louise Sinclair) a roman woman sold into slavery. The women are overseen by the head of the household, Cornelia (Rosalba Neri, as Sara Bay), a frightfully loyal enforcer who answers to Timarchus (Daniele Vargas), the girls' new owner.

Now, I could watch Pam Grier fold laundry for 90 minutes and be fully content, but luckily she's given a lot more fun things than that to do in this movie. From her sensual dance performances at the beginning, to her ass-kicking, trident-wielding, bad-assery during the rebellion, every moment with Mamawi on screen is fantastic. There is a brief bathing scene with full-frontal nudity of all the girls, including Pam, which is pretty standard for this kind of skin flick. Otherwise the nudity is mostly restricted to the love/sexual assault scenes, and both Mamawi and Bodicia's incredibly sheer gladiatrix tops.

The fight choreography ranges in quality, but notably Mamawi seems to visibly improve with practice in a way that feels natural. Having the girls actually learn and grow as fighters, even just a little, rather than be superhuman Amazon warriors from the start was something that I appreciated. Each of the girls also had a distinct fighting style. Mamawi starts off with a sick trident, and makes use of spears later on, and Pam Grier does a fantastic job with her choreo. Bodicia uses a sword, and Markov is believable with it, if not quite as flashy as Mamawi's more exotic weapon. Deidre notably does not want to fight anyone, and when she is forced to it drives her deeper into drinking. We see this play out through both dialogue and some visual bits involving her gulping down wine during the big fight scenes. She reminds me of a stock character from Vietnam war movies; the pacifist druggie who progressively loses their cool as the tension mounts, and always dies before the credits roll.

The interplay between the women is fairly well done. Livia the Roman is an absurd caricature of a person, but she's also representative of an attitude that very much exists among some people. Her character fairly well embodies the well known LBJ quotation about white supremacy and its role in keeping the wealthy in power, even down to her making racist remarks about Malawi and Quintus (Jho Jhenkins) and praising her slave master. The other girls each have their own perspective on their captivity and how best to endure or resist it. Bodicia finds solidarity and comfort with the other gladiators, including the terrifying Septimus (Pietro Ceccarelli), and Mamawi embraces the sexual freedom of the gladiator stable while plotting her escape. Deidre drinks. They initially find little in common despite their shared bondage, but the different approaches they take to their situation ultimately contribute to the success of their escape plan.

The actual plot revolves around the arena of Brundisium and the fact that the local crowd are hilariously bored of watching dudes murder each-other. Initially purchased as a lot by one of Timarchus' servants to work as serving girls, our heroines are thrust into the ring to provide a novel spectacle for the audience. The women predictably are not super jazzed about the prospect of fighting each-other to the death, and the rest of the film details their efforts to survive and to escape.

The editing is very rough, and several scenes end abruptly with hard cuts that don't seem 100% intentional, like they just ran out of film and so the shot ended. Part of this is up to the transfer I watched not being the best quality, and partly to the fact that it was a cheap B movie when it was made and they used the cheapest available film stock. That doesn't really excuse the parts where the music cuts out mid-scene, or actions that are the focus of the shot go un-dubbed. The grainy, scratchy, slightly yellowed effect caused by the cheap film is actually kind of cool most of the time. It's the aesthetic that Tarantino and Robert Rodriguez based their whole careers around, but it's the real thing rather than a meticulous and expensive facsimile.

By contrast, the cinematography is surprisingly competent, and in places actually quite beautiful. There is a close-up shot of Mamawi's face as she bears down on a fallen Aristo during the rebellion, with the sun flashing out from behind her hair, that is absolutely gorgeous. I want it as a big print to hang up on the wall.

There is some pretty distasteful homophobia in this picture. One of Timarchus' primary flunkies is the heavily queer-coded Priscium (Priss-ium) who expresses flamboyant disgust at the idea of touching any of the *shudder* women. By contrast the sex scenes are genuinely quite artful, and the presentation of sexuality as something that can be used to comfort and heal is a surprisingly positive, and even sensitive one. The contrast between the humanity shown to the women in this picture and the queer stereotype is one of the elements that makes it hard to judge this one overall. I love this movie, but I don't like a lot of things about it.

Ultimately this film represents, for me at least, the archetypal exploitation flick. The basic draw is sex, violence, and spectacle, but once you're invested in the premise the film has some solid social commentary underpinning its narrative. A lot of Pam Grier's films from this era, specifically, embody this duality between low-brow hind-brain engagement and a fairly radical political understanding. It makes a lot of sense, in a way. These kinds of B movies were made outside the big studio system for the most part, and thus were saddled with the dual attributes of not having any money and not having to self-censor to keep the bigwigs happy. Foxy Brown has a whole scene where Black Panthers discuss the distinction between justice and revenge, and at what point the use of violence becomes justifiable in the pursuit of either. It also has a lot of Pam Grier's incredible rack. The Arena doesn't present nearly so cogent a thesis on violence as Foxy Brown, but it does a passable job, and it embraces the camp and spectacle of 50's gladiator films in a way that is enjoyable and fun entirely on its own merits.

I'm going to give this one 4/5 stars. Half a star off for the rough editing and music, and half a star for the presentation of rape as a deserved punishment for one of the characters, and in particular the somewhat indulgent way that that assault is lingered on by the film. I know I filled a lot of space talking about this movie's flaws, but it is eminently watchable, and far less gross in the way that it presents (most of) the sexual content than a lot of its contemporaries. I heartily recommend this movie to Pam Grier appreciators, Gladiator aficionados, and habitual schlock consumers.
 
Hair (1979)
Tonight I felt like revisiting an old favorite, so I put on Hair (1979).

This is a particularly important film for me. I was already a long-haired weirdo who had just discovered Pink Floyd, Jimi Hendrix, and the Beatles when I first saw a scene from this movie play on TV, probably on MTV or VH1. It was the jail scene, where the Tribe sings the title track, Hair. It was like someone had pulled all the words I could never find to explain why I looked the way I did out of my brain and set them to music. I asked my parents if they had ever heard the song before, and my mother pulled out her box of vinyl records. She handed me a stack including the albums for not only Hair, but Jesus Christ: Super Star and, bizarrely, Monty Python Sings, a collection of the songs from their movies. I was obsessed. I started making my own tie-dye and wearing Buddhist prayer flags as headbands, and I wore so many beads and bangles that I sounded like a walking beaded curtain.

We lived in a small town in Texas, and not only did I not look, act, or dress like the other kids my age, I didn't even fit in with the other weirdos, because I was fixated on a counter-culture that was decades in the grave. My folks probably should have taken that as a sign to have me evaluated for autism on its own, but the mainstream understanding of neurodivergency at the time was, let's say, lacking. I watched the film version of the musical a lot during those years, and it paved the way for me to discover Rocky Horror, and Little Shop of Horrors, and a whole universe of weirdos who served as my guiding stars throughout my childhood.

When I was 16, we took a trip to New York and spent ten days in Manhattan, during which I got to see the Hair revival off-Broadway. During the ending reprise of Flesh Failures (Let the Sun Shine In) the cast started pulling people out of the crowd to dance. I was, predictably, fully adorned in my home-made hippie accoutrements, and they pulled me up on stage to dance and sing with the main cast. It was one of the most incredible experiences of my life, and one of the touchstone moments that helped me start to explore my identity and self-image with a confidence and validation that I had never felt before.

All of that is to say that I have no way of objectively approaching a review of this film. It is too wrapped up in core associations for me to disentangle, so I'm going to just get the rating out of the way up front, and give it a glorious 5/5, with the understanding that you may feel very differently about it.

The film follows the plot of the stage musical pretty closely, though it omits several of the best songs, it does incorporate some elements that were impossible on stage, like live animals and vehicles. We begin with Claude Hooper Bukowski (John Savage, The Deer Hunter) leaving his home in Oklahoma, sharing a touching moment with his father before boarding the bus to New York, and the Induction Center. As he travels across the country we see the countryside give way to New England cities and a funky riff falls in. In short order Claude finds himself in Manhattan and we get our first glimpse of the Tribe, a street-roaming gang of hippies led by George Berger (Treat Williams, Deep Rising). The opening number, Aquarius, is performed by Renn Woods, and her flower-studded afro is a glory to behold.

The core members of the Tribe besides Berger are Hud (Dorsey Wright), Woof (Don Dacus, who played guitar with Stephen Stills and Chicago in the 70s), and Jeannie (Annie Golden) who is pregnant with either Hud or Woof's child. We first see the Tribe as they burn their draft cards, panhandle around central park, and mildly harass the horseback-mounted Sheila (Beverly D'Angelo), a privileged college student and debutante. After meeting Claude and acquiring some cash, the Tribe rent a horse of their own and Woof serenades Sheila and her friends with the single funniest song in the film, Sodomy.

The next song is Donna/Hashish, led by Berger, which plays out over Claude re-encountering the Tribe and joining up with them to smoke dope and sleep on the street. This transitions into Colored Spade, an intensely racially charged number that is well done in the film, but was absolutely electric to see live. It consists entirely of Hud calling out slurs that he's been identified with, and when the actor who performed the song in the revival gave his rendition he roared the words into the crowd like a challenge. The film's rendition is comparably much more sedate, but a little of that anger does bleed through, particularly as the song is framed as a response to Woof's racism and the possibility that Jeannie's baby will be black. Hud is proud to be a young, strong, black man, and he wants his potential child to share that pride (although this exchange feels very different in hindsight after later revelations regarding Hud's character).

Claude, being a newcomer to pot-smoking and the general hippie lifestyle, is rendered nearly catatonic by the hash smoke. He eventually comes around to the number Manchester, where first Berger, then Claude profess "I believe in God, and I believe that God believes in Claude, that's me!"

The racial tension between Hud and Woof is then resolved during the song I'm Black/Ain't Got No, which was covered and mashed up with the song from later in the musical, I Got Life in an incredible performance by Nina Simone, which you should absolutely watch if you are a music lover.

The following day, Claude awakens on the street, huddled amongst the Tribe, and begins to wander off, unsure of how to proceed after his brush with a wild lifestyle unlike anything he had experienced before. I identify so strongly with Claude during the first half of this movie. I too was once a painfully naive hick encountering drugs and parties and rebellion for the first time, and everything from his posture to his awkward, halting gait is painfully familiar to me. When Berger calls out to him and asks him to come back, a little bit of the brittle icy shell surrounding my heart melts away.

The party in question is a high-society function where Sheila, the horse girl, will be debuting. Both Berger and Claude seem to have taken an interest in the Sheila, and so the Tribe attends, having seen the announcement in a paper that Berger was pissing on. In the stage version there is an incredible song, My Conviction in which a posh party goer expressed her (contextually) hot take of the evening, that long hair and decoration on men is the natural way of things, and should be embraced instead of rejected. It is a real shame that the film skips over it, although a 'lady in pink' as she is credited, is featured who is clearly meant to be the character from the stage version. She enthusiastically dances with Berger atop the banquet tables and admires his grungy style.

After delivering his rendition of I Got Life (Which is just so good) Berger and the rest of the tribe, including Claude, are arrested and thrown in jail. This is where the title song, Hair, comes in, and the film presents it in a very cool way, by having the opening stanzas delivered as Woof's internal monologue as he decides how to respond to the prison psychologist's questions. It's a great song, and I find myself singing it under my breath absolutely all the time. The interview also includes a fantastic exchange when she asks Woof if he's a homosexual and he responds "I wouldn't kick Mick Jagger out of my bed, but no, I'm not a homosexual." which I also spend a lot of time thinking about.

Then, for the first time, Claude's relationship with the Tribe is tested. He has the cash to pay his fine and walk free, but only enough to free himself. He likes Berger, and he seems fond of Jeannie too, but he's just met these people and they've already gotten him thrown in jail. Eventually Berger's charm offensive breaks through his barriers though, and Claude gives Berger the money instead, so that Berger can go round up enough cash to spring the rest of them. This he accomplishes by first carjacking Sheila and her brother Steve (Miles Chapin) and asking them for the dough, and eventually by going home and asking his folks. Berger's mother, played by Antonia Rey, is delightful, and we see a brief glimpse of the life that Berger and presumably the rest of the Tribe have given up to roam the streets and live among the hippies, weirdos, and dropouts.

The next segment of the film, as in the stage version, depicts Claude and the Tribe attending an anti-war rally and dropping acid, with it being Claude's first experience. The LSD/dream sequence isn't particularly true to my experiences with acid, but John Savage's facial performance certainly is. He rattles between terror and ecstasy as the experience washes over him, colored by the marriage proposal that Jeannie has just laid before him as a way to escape the draft (as they don't take married men with children). Eventually Claude runs off into the crowd, overwhelmed by the experience.

In the stage production there is a somewhat controversial group nude scene during the song Where Do I Go? which is replaced in the film by a skinny dipping sequence, where we mostly see Beverly D'Angelo topless. The song instead plays out as Claude roams the city, angry at a prank played by Berger, as well as frustrated at the casual disdain they have for his decision to go through with his induction. It's a solid song and a solid performance. The nudity in the stage version, even in the early runs of the musical, is extremely brief and mostly serves as a reference to a tactic used by real anti-war protesters. It was pretty cool as a 16 year old seeing nudity and the human body celebrated instead of shamed, and by a huge crowd of people, for probably the first time in my life.

Claude's wandering finally delivers him to the induction office and we get one of the most hilarious scenes in both versions. As the parade of nude inductees (including one young man who refuses to remove his socks until he is physically hoisted into the air and they are pulled from his feet to reveal a fully painted set of toenails) are presented to the Army staff, we get the songs Black Boys and White Boys which unabashedly celebrate the female gaze (and in the film version, the Gays as well). The juxtaposition of the raunchy sex-positive musical number and the fact that Claude is (seemingly) passing the point of No Return makes this a weird one, but they're such fun songs that you'd hardly notice on the first viewing. Afterwards Claude is whisked away to boot camp where he undergoes basic training set to Walking in Space which rises to the repeated phrase "My eyes are open" as the reality of his situation begins to finally set in.

There is a time-skip, where the intermission takes place in the stage version, and then the narrative picks up again at wintertime. Sheila receives a letter from Claude, and shares it with the Tribe. As they are discussing a trip to go visit him at the military base in Nevada where he is being trained, a woman and a small child approach the group. The woman calls out to Hud, calling him by the name LaFayette, and asking him what he's doing there, with those people. Asking him if the visibly pregnant Jeannie is carrying his child. This is, despite the deeply bittersweet ending, the emotional low point of the film and the musical. Cheryl Barns, playing Hud's jilted fiance and the mother of his already existing child, belts out a rendition of Easy To Be Hard, demanding to know "how can people be so heartless?" that brings me to full-on tears every single time.

If this movie has a single, serious flaw, it is that Hud's treatment of his fiance, left unnamed, is forgiven nearly instantly by the film, if not the character. There is an inkling that Hud is not a true flower child, committed to peace and love and harmony, so much as a selfish asshole who abandoned his old life and responsibilities to pursue easy sex and drugs among the free love generation. We see him arguing angrily with the other members of the Tribe between devastating shots of Barns' solo, but the content of that argument is not shared with us, and we simply have to accept, as the fiance apparently does, that some resolution has occurred. A later moment between Jeannie and the fiance gives the lie to this, but from that point on she and LaFayette Jr. silently accompany the Tribe on the next leg of their adventure. Jeannie comes across as cruelly blind to the suffering of this poor woman, and Hud is actively hostile to her the entire time.

I don't now why Hud was singled out to be the only member of the Tribe who is depicted as a genuinely bad or selfish person, but it gives us the most powerful solo in the film, so there is some good that comes of it. A charitable reading of the Hud situation might tie it into the otherwise fairly subtle critique of the flower-power generation that runs throughout the film, where the members of the hippie community that are the most vocal about peace, love, and understanding are sometimes the least committed to living that lifestyle, and even members of radical social-justice movements can be blind to the injustices occurring under their own roofs. The fringe lifestyle led by the hippies was deeply appealing to a lot of narcissistic abusers because of the permissive attitudes towards sex, drugs, and alternative philosophies. Hud represents those people, and it's a little weird that there are no consequences for his actions whatsoever.

The tribe carjacks Steve a second time, picking up Sheila in the process, and make their way to Nevada to visit Claude before he ships out to Vietnam. The song Three-Five-Zero-Zero is another racially charged anti-war number, inspired by a Ginsberg poem, and rising to an upbeat chant of "Prisoners in N*****town, it's a dirty little war" which I felt guilty just hearing on the record as a kid, but it has remained with me as a powerful mental image my entire life. It is arranged with What a Piece of Work is Man, and the jolly recitation of the violent phrases helps drive home the horror settling down on Claude despite his best efforts to hide it. In the film the songs play out over a hijacked PA system at the base as well as at another anti-war demonstration in Washington DC, and there is a bit of vaudevillian humor as soldiers try desperately to turn off the music.

Once the Tribe arrives in Nevada they engage in some more carjacking and kidnapping, this time of an Army officer, in order to sneak onto the base, where Berger takes Claude's place while he visits with the rest of the Tribe. One of the funniest lines in the movie comes as Berger, dressed as an Army officer and with freshly cut hair, orders Claude out of the barracks and into his waiting car. Maintaining his drill sergeant voice, Berger demands of Claude "Are you an Asshole, soldier?" and when Claude responds 'No sir' he fires back "Well that's too bad, because I am" and reveals his identity. It's a great moment.

While the two are switched, orders to deploy come down, and Berger is marched onto a plane with Claude's unit, reprising Manchester and singing out "I believe that God believes in Claude, that's me!" as though trying to convince himself, while the chorus chants "the rest is silence" behind him. Manchester becomes Good Morning Starshine/Flesh Failures and Berger's fate is made immediately clear as we jump to the tribe visiting his grave at Arlington. It is a startlingly bleak ending to a musical that deals with some heavy themes but is overall very cheerful and funny throughout. The refrain of Let the Sun Shine In is as powerful today as it was the first time I heard it. The credits roll to footage of hundreds of hippies descending on the White House lawn, singing those words, in a spectacle that recreated for the film, at almost full scale, the anti-war demonstrations that had occurred there only a decade prior in real life.

This is already a much longer review than I intended, so I will sum up my thoughts here. Hair is a triumph of musical theater, and the film adaptation does a fantastic job of translating the experience from the stage to the screen. There are a lot of great songs missing, but that is only because there are no bad songs in the musical, so any cuts will necessarily be bangers. I have strong mixed feelings about the character of Hud and the way that the film treats his transgressions, but overall the social commentary on offer is sharp, funny, and uncompromising. The music composed by Galt Macdermot and the lyrics written by Gerome Ragni and James Rado are as powerful as they are endlessly listenable. This film means so very much to me, as a turning point in my own life, and as a piece of that weird filmic vision of the past into which I so frequently find myself yearning to escape. I stand by my score of 5/5. There are elements that could be worth docking a half star here or there, but overall this film truly is a masterpiece.

Edit: If it weren't clear enough why I identify so strongly with Claude already, the lyrics to Manchester repeat:
"Claude Hooper Bukowski
Finds that it's groovy
To hide in a movie
Pretends he's Fellini
And Antonioni
And also his countryman Roman Polanski
All rolled into one
One Claude Hooper Bukowski"

Edit2: This is the cast recording from the production that I saw as a teenager. It's great, but doesn't hold a candle to the live performance.
 
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Rumble in the Bronx (1995)
We remain in NYC for tonight's feature: Rumble in the Bronx (1995)!

This is the movie that introduced Jackie Chan to America, and launched him to super-stardom. I watched the New-Line Cinema English dub, which cuts some scenes and adds others. If I can find it I'd like to see the Hong Kong/International cut as well.

My first Chan film was Rush Hour, released a few years later, and this feels very much like the spiritual predecessor to that film (Although the Police Story films were probably the more direct influence on that series, I haven't seen those yet). Jackie plays Keung, who has just arrived in town from Hong Kong, for Uncle Bill's (Bill Tung) wedding, and to help run Bill's shop while he is away on honeymoon. Complications begin more or less immediately when Keung learns that Bill is selling the store that very day to a new owner, Elaine (Anita Mui). We are quickly introduced to Bill's young, wheelchair-bound neighbor, Danny (Morgan Lam), as well as a very silly looking biker gang who ride dirt bikes and a dune buggy instead of regular motorcycles for some reason (the reason is dirt bikes are cheaper and easier to jump off of cars), who are led by Tony (Mark Akerstram, who is credited on Deep Rising, but whom I don't remember from that film) and the unhinged Angelo (Garvin Cross, who has had a long career as a stuntman in big name pictures).

We get our first taste of Jackie's skills as he finds himself drawn to a practice tree in Bill's apartment, delivering a series of practiced strikes so smoothly it looks almost unimpressive, until you remember that there's no way in hell you or I could replicate it, much less with that degree of nonchalance. He also gives Danny a Sega Game Gear, which he proceeds to play without a game cartridge, for reasons that are entirely unclear given that he only learned of the kid's existence a few minutes prior. This early portion is very silly, and the English dubbing is downright terrible, but it is definitely entertaining.

Before too long the plot starts happening and Jackie witnesses the dirt-bikers doing a very silly kind of race on the street behind the apartment, endangering Uncle Bill's humorously fancy borrowed vehicle. He intervenes and costs one of the riders the race, and the cash prize. The next day, after the wedding, some of the bikers show up to the store and start stealing things. This is where we get to see Jackie really show off for the first time. Grocery stores are up there in terms of best settings for a Hong Kong action sequence, and Jackie makes use of the varied terrain and endless props to absolutely jaw dropping effect. At one point in filming Jackie would break one of his ankles and spend the rest of the shoot in a cast and boot, but this fight scene is so rapid and kinetic, it has to have been shot beforehand. Even the stunts he did after the break are phenomenal, and the way they disguised his cast is fairly ingenious.

The central conflict revolves around a diamond heist and the fallout from a deal gone wrong, but before we get to that, the violence between Keung and the bikers continues to be on-sight, with the gang cornering him the next day in an alleyway and batting empty beer bottles at him until he's covered in glass wounds. Nancy (Francoise Yip), who was the biker that Keung interfered with, as well as Tony's girlfriend, takes pity on Keung when he staggers, blood-soaked, onto her doorstep. The day after that there's a fight that involves a giant mobile ball-pit. The beef is becoming deeply silly. After this goes on for a while, Keung, Danny, and a few of Tony's bikers witness the aftermath of the diamond deal, including lots of Uzis and a sweet car explosion. Angelo ends up with the diamonds, and the massive goons who are looking to recover them follow him into the building where Bill, Nancy, and Danny live.

The action sequences are so good, with every movement being intentional, and the plot macguffin moving rapidly through the space, but never in such a way that you lose track of it. Jackie was in his absolute physical prime here and it's a blast to just watch him go. Nancy works as a dancer in a club with a live tiger (giving me Roar flashbacks) and Keung goes there to meet her. Another chase sequence later and our romantic leads are established.

Since he's been running around playing grab-ass with the dirt-bikers, Keung hasn't been showing up to work, and those same bikers wreck the market while looking for him. Determined to squash the beef, Keung heads over to the punk warehouse/club where Tony's gang hangs out and proceeds to whoop so much ass that the apparent villain in this martial arts action movie straight up learns a lesson and decides to turn his life around. This movie is so unserious and I love it.

Once the bikers are on-side the focus shifts towards the bigger, badder guys, who are still looking for Angelo and the diamonds. From here on out the action just ratchets up and up and up, culminating in an extended hovercraft rampage that is shot like a Kaiju film with the hovercraft filling the role of the giant monster. The physical comedy is great, even if none of the actual jokes are very funny. There are about a billion and one lazy racial stereotypes in this, which is about par for the course with 90's action flicks, although I'm curious how much of it is a product of the changes made for the dub.

I'm going to give this one 3/5 stars, mostly on the strength of Jackie Chan's incredible physical skills and the fact that I was genuinely surprised when Tony just gave up and told Keung "You win." I may revisit that rating if the international release is less overtly stupid.
 
Them! (1954)
Tonight I thought I'd throw on some true classic monster movies from the golden age of the drive-in. I started the evening with Them! (1954).

James Whitmore leads the picture as Ben, a New Mexico cop on the lookout for a missing person. He and his partner, played by Christian Drake, find a little girl wandering alone in the desert, mute and unresponsive. A little further up the road a travel-trailer lies abandoned, its vinyl siding slashed to pieces. A bizarre footprint is found. Little by little the evidence mounts that something very strange is happening in the high desert.

This is the archetypal western Giant Monster movie. It was scooped (as was Gojira) on the trend by The Beast From 20,000 Fathoms a year earlier, but this is the film that cemented big critters as a mainstay of science-fiction in American cinema. Notably all three films use Atomic testing as the origin for their creatures, though each has a very different take on the concept.

When the local cops realize they are in over their heads (and the bodies start to pile up) they call in FBI agent Bob, played by the star of Gunsmoke! James Arness, who in turn calls in some government scientists to take a look. The doctors Medford are the most entertaining members of the cast; a father and daughter team of pharmacologist/entomologists working for the Department of Agriculture, their chemistry is delightful, and the elder Medford (Edmund Gwenn) delivers some truly excellent speeches throughout the runtime. Bob is less pleasant. His role seems to be to wear an ill-fitting suit, loudly demand answers from everyone, and clumsily hit on the younger Medford (Joan Weldon) while Ben does all the work.

The creature effects in this picture are great. The ants are freakish looking, and the eggs and other debris within their nests are very well done. There is one very naturalistic looking corpse that stood out to me as being almost modern-looking in comparison to most films from this era. There was blood, and visible injuries, but not overdone, and the body was placed very naturally. I think I was expecting this movie to look a lot worse than it did, and that factors a lot into how much I enjoyed it. The title sequence even holds a surprise, the film is shot in black-and-white, but the title, Them! is colorized and swoops in to almost pop out of the screen. I bet that was a real experience for drive-in viewers back in '54.

The set design and prop work is all quite good as well. There is a sandstorm sequence near the beginning of the film that is just excellently shot, on a soundstage from the looks of it. It doesn't look real, but it looks like how driving through a bad sandstorm feels, with the claustrophobic curtains of dust closing in all around. There are a few shots like this that lean into almost dreamlike imagery rather than strict realism, and it really helps sell the tense nervousness of the characters as they prepare to confront the unknown.

There is a ton of actual military hardware in this film, from rifle-grenades to Bazookas, to a whole bunch of flamethrowers. The main cast was loaded with WWII veterans who had actually used the things in combat, so they look and act very natural in a way that was interesting to see.

The human drama is also quite watchable. The parts where no monster is on screen are always the roughest bits in traditional Kaiju films, and I can maybe picture three of the human characters from the entire Godzilla franchise, but the whole cast here had distinct roles and were given things to do in them that made for a tight, entertaining mystery/procedural in the early scenes before the reveal of the monsters, and a solid thriller for the rest of the runtime. I actually cared about the fates of most of the cast, and when one of them is killed in the climax, I was pretty upset about which one it was. (Ben. They kill Ben the hero cop, and let Bob the sleazy, incompetent FBI man live.)

The elder Dr. Medford drip feeds his suspicions to the increasingly impatient Bob and Ben as the plot unfolds, and even if you know already what the monster is, it's quite engaging to watch. At one point he gives a short film presentation on Ant ecology which was genuinely just a great little nature documentary (with some hilariously outdated factoids sprinkled in) that happens partway through this killer bug movie. Edmund Gwenn is one of the all-time greats, and he does not disappoint here.

There are jokes, and some of them are funny, but this is mostly a serious sci-fi picture. In fact, the degree to which it takes itself seriously was entirely unexpected. I forget sometimes that the trashy B-movies I grew up on were based on tropes that were originally played straight, and sometimes even had budgets to pull them off. This is a good movie, entirely aside from its legacy as the grandaddy of Big Bug movies, and I should have known that it would be a cut above the derivative stuff that came later. I'm going to give this one a 4/5 stars. If Bob weren't a useless misogynist, and Ben didn't die such a pointless death, I would call this a clean five stars, but alas, here we are.
 
The Beast from 20,000 Fathoms (1953)
I followed up Them! with the classic Ray Harryhausen picture The Beast From 20,000 Fathoms (1953).

This was, as far as I can figure, the very first Atomic Monster movie. There had been films with giant creatures before, most notably Kong, but the Kaiju genre as we understand it really began with this film. Beast was released just over a year before Gojira, and the influences on the later film are manifold. All of the basic plot elements are there, and the original script even called for the Beast to breathe atomic flames just like his Eastern cousin. The biggest difference between the two is the way in which the films brought their monsters to life. Gojira famously employed 'suitmation' to deliver a very naturalistic looking monster who interacted directly with the city he was destroying. Beast instead opted for the masterful miniature and stop-motion effects of Ray Harryhausen, integrating matte shots and technical effects with creature effects to sell the illusion of scale. Both films accomplish their goals quite effectively, and both highlight the advantages (and disadvantages) of either method.

The film opens on an Arctic expedition intended to test an Atomic device and collect some unspecified data. Our lead, Professor Tom Nesbitt (Paul Hubschmid, who was a Swiss actor who appeared in light-entertainment flicks produced by the Nazis...) and a colleague are hiking out to the detonation site in order to conduct their readings when they are attacked by a mysterious creature emerging from the ice. Nesbitt survives, but he is committed to a hospital upon his return, with nobody believing his tales of a giant monster.

Eventually, with the help of Professor Thurgood Elson (Cecil Kellaway, who is great in Harvey, and also every other role where he plays a silly little doctor man) and his beautiful assistant Lee Hunter (Paula Raymond), Nesbitt begins to accumulate evidence that the beast exists. Boats have been attacked, and a lighthouse destroyed (in the sequence that "inspired" the movie, from a Ray Bradbury short story. The sequence was already scripted, but when the filmmakers saw the success of the Bradbury story, they bought the rights to it and heavily pushed that angle in marketing.), making it harder and harder for the authorities to ignore him.

There is a lot of dubious scientific speak thrown around, a lot of it humorous, but one tidbit that stuck out to me was an Anecdote that Lee related about a group of scientists finding Mastodons so well preserved by permafrost that their flesh was still edible. I have no idea if that was true in 1953, but it definitely is today. In 2013 a group of Korean scientists cooked and ate samples of Mastodon tissue, finding that it was tough, but flavorful.

There are lot of great locations in this flick, from the Arctic sets, to the boats and underwater sequence with a diving bell, to the streets of Gotham itself. Harryhausen masterfully blended miniature effects with in-camera split-matte techniques to bring his monster into the same space as the actors, and it works extremely well. I won't sit here and tell you that it looks better than later practical effects, or even modern CGI, but it has a visceral physicality to it that makes it impossible to look away, even if the eye is never exactly fooled. The varied backdrops and destructable environments ensured that the gimmick never wore out its welcome either, I was always eager to see what the Beast was going to do next. The Beast itself is shown on-screen much more freqiently than the ants from Them! and even a lot of later Kaiju movies that rely on tiny glimpses to build suspense. We catch a decent look at the Beast early on, and then it's not a long wait before his full boat-smashing reveal. The action itself is fun and exciting all the way through.

I found the human actors somewhat less compelling than the cast of Them!, although most of that is antipathy towards Paul Hubschmid who seems to be an in-universe Operation Paperclip type figure, in addition to being a dancing monkey for the real-life Nazis. Paula Raymond and Cecil Kellaway are delightful, and I would have much preferred if they had been centered as the film's protagonists with Nesbitt being relegated to a supporting role, probably much like the one Kellaway actually plays. Lee Van Cleef shows up at the end as a National Guard sharpshooter, in a fun little role that foreshadows his long career as a hollywood gunslinger.

I'm going to give this one a 4.5/5. If I liked Paul Hubschmid even a little, this might be a 5 star film.
 
Halloween (1978)
I imagine that I will be watching a lot of horror this month, so I figured I would start spooky season off right by revisiting Halloween (1978).

This is one of the first horror movies I can remember watching. The image of Michael Myers effortlessly lifting Bob (John Micheal Graham) into the air, pinning him to the wall with a knife, and then just standing there, examining his work, is seared into my brain for life. The rest of the kills are comparatively low-key in this first installment, with Michael resorting to strangulation more often than his iconic oversized knife. Regardless of the method, Myers is one of the few slasher antagonists who I genuinely find creepy, even frightening.

The movie opens with a long POV shot from Michael's perspective (although the POV is situated much higher than where 6 year old Mikey's actual eyeballs should be) as he covertly observes his sister canoodling with her boyfriend. The boyfriend leaves, discarding a halloween mask on the floor as he does so, which Michael retrieves as he slowly, inexorably approaches his nude sister in her room, knife in hand. The murder is quick, and not that flashy, but the first-person POV and the reveal that the killer is this tiny little blonde-headed boy still make for an effective shock.

Fifteen Years pass, and we are introduced to Dr. Loomis (Donald Pleasance), Michael Myers' psychiatrist during his long incarceration. Loomis does not fuck around. He spends the entire runtime telling anyone who will listen that Michael is pure, inhuman evil, even referring to him as 'it' until asked to do otherwise. It's almost hilarious how little this film does to establish Loomis as an actual doctor who cares about his patients. He's completely right in this case, but I like to imagine him strolling the halls of the asylum, hunting down evil like a modern day Van Helsing of the infirm, blowing away any patients who get a little jumpy with his concealed revolver. In all seriousness though, Pleasance is great, and the speeches he gives throughout the film are an irreplaceable component of this film's perfect formula.

Our true protagonist however, is Laurie Strode, played by Jamie Lee Curtis in her first role on screen. Laurie is a bookish teenager, just trying to navigate high-school, the homecoming dance, and her two friends, who are the worst people alive. Lynda (PJ Soles) is an obnoxious mean-girl type, and Annie (Nancy Kyes) is oversexed to the point of child endangerment. Laurie, by contrast, comes off as chaste and moral without making her a completely sexless figure. She pines for boys, and seeks a more lively social life, but she's also serious about her studies, and committed to being a good babysitter, unlike the other two who took the jobs just to have someone else' house to get laid in. I'm not sure if this is the absolute origin of the trope, but certainly nearly all subsequent slashers ran with the virginal Final Girl outliving her more promiscuous friends, with sexual frustration even being the explicit motivation behind several of the iconic baddies.

The plot kicks off with Michael Myers making his escape from the mental hospital where he is held, on the eve of some kind of parole hearing. I distinctly remember wondering 'How does he know how to drive?' for years after seeing this for the first time, and I was pleasantly surprised to note that there is actually a line of dialogue lampshading this later on in the film.

Michael returns to Haddonfield Illinois, the sleepy midwestern town (depicted quite convincingly by a California suburb strewn with fake leaves) where he killed his sister all those years before. He catches a glimpse of Laurie as she drops off a key to the old Myers' house for her dad, a realtor. It's not clear why Laurie becomes the object of his fixation. When I was a kid I though that she was also Michael's sister somehow, and that he was back to finish the job, but no, she's just the first person he sees while we're seeing from his POV. Regardless of his motivation, he begins a campaign of stalking, following Laurie around town in his stolen car, silently staring, and disappearing as soon as she blinks.

Michael also seems interested in Tommy, the little boy that Laurie babysits, watching him for a while after he is bullied by other children, whom Michael completely ignores. In this installement at least (my memory is hazy on the larger franchise) Michael never actually targets children, despite this one lingering shot of him observing Tommy. My impression is that Michael recognizes something of himself in Tommy. Maybe Michael was bullied at a young age too? In any case, the ambiguity of his intentions all throughout are a big driver of the tension. Michael never speaks. He doesn't explain his motivations, or curse in frustration as his victim slips away. He's an enigma, and that's a big part of his draw.

The real action begins once the sun has set and All-Hallows-Eve has begun in earnest. Michael tails Laurie and Annie to their babysitting gigs, watching silently all the while. Annie and her charge, Lindsey, don't seem to get along nearly as well as Laurie and Tommy, and Annie eventually pawns Lindsey off to Laurie so she can go get laid. This will be her final mistake. Later, Lynda and her boyfriend Bob show up to the now-empty house where Annie had been, and proceed to shag and toss beer cans all over the place, until Michael decides he's seen enough and mounts Bob to the pantry doors. Lynda meets her end at the hands of a telephone cord, while Laurie listens on, thinking it's a prank call.

Disturbed by the glimpses of unusual activity that she's been getting all day, Laurie decides to go investigate, and hopefully find her friends. She does, but arranged in a macabre display including the stolen gravestone of Judith Myers, Michael's first victim. This is the first indication that we get that Michael has anything at all going on upstairs beyond a drive to kill. He is clearly doing something that makes sense to his permanently warped six-year-old psychology, but is utterly incomprehensible to Laurie, Loomis, or anyone else.

The climax is fantastic, with stunts, and fake-outs, and a great split-second reveal of Michael's face (portrayed by Tony Moran. The Shape, as Myers is referred to in the script, is played by the incredible Nick Castle, who also portrayed the Beach Ball alien in Carpenter's Dark Star) that drives home how little there is underneath the mask. Loomis is right, there isn't really a person in there, the mask is who Michael is, and when that mask is dislodged momentarily, Michael doesn't know how to react. The film ends with Loomis blowing Michael away with his revolver, after Myers has already been stabbed in the eye and the chest (at one point, after Laurie believes she has killed Myers with his own knife, he does the slow sit-up thing that The Undertaker always did in the ring, and I just now understood where he got it from. It's an incredible shot.). There is the barest moment of respite, and then, horribly, Michael is just gone. The nightmare isn't over, even if the film is.

Jamie-Lee Curtis does an absolutely outstanding job in her first role, and this movie would be worth remembering just for her. The fact that it also gave us one of the most memorable Horror villains of all time, who is still being depicted in new films to this day, is a credit to John Carpenter. His script, his score, and his direction come together to create something that isn't quite an exploitation film (despite wearing the trappings proudly) and isn't quite a traditional slasher (because this is the film that inspired the genre-codifiers like Friday the 13th and Nightmare on Elm Street) but is instead a brutally effective tale of terror that I am always happy to revisit.

Halloween rates 5/5 stars. There are places where the finished product could have used more polish, but there is no denying how effective this is as a horror film, or how important it became to the genre. If you've never seen it, this is as good a time as any!
 
The Last House on the Left (1972)
Sticking with the spooky season theme, tonight I watched Wes Craven's directorial debut, The Last House on the Left (1972).

Serious Content Warning on this one, I'm going to talk about sexual assault a whooole bunch in this review, so hold on to your butts.

Holy Shit this was a weird movie. Wes Craven's first picture is a bewildering nightmare amalgamation of exploitation, horror, and slapstick comedy that I am struggling to wrap my brain around. I had picked up the basic plot of this film through cultural osmosis long ago, but this was my first time actually seeing it. I feel like I need to set up the context of the movie before I start talking about it, because on the surface of it, this is an ugly, heinous, offensively edited trainwreck of a film, but I am pretty sure that was the intended effect.

The plot of the film is loosely based on Ingmar Bergman's The Virgin Spring, of which Craven is a big fan. The idea for the film came from Craven's desire to present a shocking tale of violence, like in that film, but without the sterilization and glorification of the violence that he viewed as common in film at the time (in particular he apparently felt that the way Westerns portray violence as a force for good was damaging to Americans' ability to understand the Vietnam war). So he set out to make a hardcore pornographic film that depicted rape, assault, and murder in as realistic a fashion as possible, to pull the gauze away from his audience's eyes, as it were, and give them a taste of what violence actually looks like. He did not end up making that version of the film, which is probably for the best. What he did make is still devastatingly uncomfortable to watch, and it mostly accomplishes the goal of producing a watchable film that depicts its violence realistically without making it pornographic.

The actual plot of the movie begins on Mari Collingwood's (Sandra Peabody) 17th birthday. She and her friend Phyllis (Lucy Grantham), a queer-coded girl from the wrong side of the tracks, that Mom disapproves of, are going to go see a show to celebrate. We get to see a bit of Mari's fairly happy home life, with her mother Estelle (Cynthia Carr) and father John (Richard Towers) gifting her a golden peace-symbol necklace before she runs off to meet Phyllis in the woods.

The two girls run around by a picturesque river, share a bottle, and talk about their lives in what, to me, is a pretty clearly budding sapphic romance. It's not made explicit, but the chemistry between the two girls is easy and flirty, and they each represent countercultures that were becoming more accepting of sexual non-conformity at the time, the Hippies and the Punks. Having two young women at the center of the story rather than a hetero couple does a lot to ground the violence; you are never expecting the musclebound male lead to come rescue the damsel in distress. In fact, the police officers who appear in this movie are subjects of mockery and ridicule both by characters within the film, and the film itself. The message is clear: real violence is ugly and terrifying, often you cannot make a hollywood escape at the last moment, and help doesn't always arrive on time.

As the girls make their way towards the venue, we are introduced to the villains of the piece, a quartet of scum led by Krug (David Hess). Krug is male violence incarnate. He is insatiable. He imposes himself on everyone and everything around him, taking exactly what he wants and leaving only wreckage behind him. He is joined by his son, Junior (Marc Sheffler) whom he has gotten hooked on Heroin in order to better control, Weasel (Fred J Lincoln) the knife-wielding pedophile, and Sadie (Jeramie Rain) the bisexual sadist. The performances by these mostly first-time actors are bizarre at times, but gripping throughout. David Hess' Krug in particular is a force of nature that reminds me of a Stanley Kowalski type turned up to 11. Junior is used and abused by the three others, and it is he who lures the girls into their crash pad with the lure of cheap grass (himself desperate for his 'fix').

What follows is a deeply uncomfortable sequence in which the girls are tormented, and Phyllis raped, while Mari is made to watch. This is the first part in the film that we get to experience the insane tonal whiplash that will characterize the rest of the runtime. Phyllis' assault and the molestation of Mari are intercut with Mari's parents flirting and canoodling set to comic music. This juxtaposition will continue throughout, with slapstick gags and utterly inappropriate banjo music cut directly into the most graphic sexual violence in the film. An extended gag is made of the cops who are investigating Mari's disappearance trying to catch a ride after running out of gas, with everyone they meet trolling the shit out of them for being cops. It's a confounding choice, because on the one hand, portraying the ineffectiveness of the police force does seem to tie into Craven's larger ethos about realistic violence, but the actual comedic framing (and the horrifically tonally dissonant music, seriously what the fuck?) are just so bizarre because they are juxtaposed with the most serious elements of the film's violence in a way that makes it seem like the violence is part of the joke.

The morning after they are assaulted, the girls are bundled into the trunk of the gang's car, and they hit the road. Krug has sex with Sadie in the car full of people, with the top down, as Weasel asks him what the 'sex-crime of the century' might be. Sadie quotes some rad-fem literature (she has a quirk where she mispronounces words, having only read them and not heard them sploken, that is actually an incredible bit of characterization for an otherwize sterotypically psychotic character) and eventually the car breaks down just up the road from Mari's house.

What follows is even more graphic rape and torture of the two girls, involving escalating acts of humiliation, including forcing the two girls to perform sex acts on one another (this is another scene which I think strengthens the sapphic narrative, as Phylis, the more experienced and queer-coded girl, comforts and directs Mari. Mari also seems far more devastated by this than any of the other assaults to her person, making me feel that the corruption of her feelings for Phylis are an intended reading of the abuse taking place, although Phyllis does call Sadie a dyke at one point, so who really knows where this movie's sexual politics are really meant to lead?). Eventually, Phyllis engineers an opportunity to escape, and give Mari an opportunity to run as well. She makes a valiant attempt, but is ultimately killed by the gang. In the goriest shot in the film the gang pull her intestines out and play with them as a group.

While Phylis is running for it, Mari tries a different tactic. Left alone with Junior she tries to appeal to him, to befriend him, and to get him to take her to her parents' home. Her efforts might have succeeded had the others not returned before she could wheedle him down. Krug rapes Mari once more, in the most graphic assault of the film. It is immediately followed by jaunty banjo music that made me actually shout "what the fuck?" at my screen. The gang+Mari look almost as lost as I felt in that moment. They all stand and sort of shuffle around, only briefly meeting eachothers' eyes, until Mari begins to pray, and walk into the river. Krug takes a pistol from Weasel and guns her down, with her body floating in the water like the painting of Ophelia.

We then crash headlong into another slapstick bit involving the cops trying to catch a ride on a chicken truck from an old lady who could not give less of a fuck about them. It's an objectively funny bit, but it is so, so jarring that it exists in this movie at all, much less as an immediate follow-up to the death of our leading lady.

The next that we see the gang, they have found Mari's parents' house and convinced them that they are just travellers experiencing car trouble. The parents offer to let them stay the night, until the mechanic opens in the morning. I should note that throughout the film so far characters keep commenting on the status of the phones at the house, informing us that they are 'still out' or 'just came back' in an order that left me entirely unable to tell when and whether they had phone access at all. To simplify that headache, Weasel simply cuts the phone line in this scene, and we're done worrying about it.

The next segment of the film involves the gang getting antsy and the parents putting together what has happened to their daughter, with Estelle eventually discovering Mari's necklace in Jr's possession, and bloodstained clothes in the gang's bags. We are treated to a sequence where John sets up a fairly complicated booby trap, as well as just spraying some shaving cream on the floor outside the gang's door, and Estelle seduces Weasel, drawing him away from the house. I won't mince words here, she bites his dick off. It is undoubtably the best moment in the film. I could see it coming from a mile away, and I still cheered when she did it. This is the first moment in the entire film where Craven's ethos starts to come together. The disdain for the police, and the hammering home of the banality of violence has led to this, the only glorified acts of violence in the film, where a middle-aged couple absolutely annihilate a gang of rapists and murderers. This is the film at its most Grindhouse, and yet, it's also the most conventional action in the whole thing. It feels almost like the third act to a real horror movie, and not whatever fever-dream this flick has been for the prior hour.

Just before the actual revenge plot kicks in, we get a fake-out that made me squirm in my seat. Weasel dreams that he has been awoken by the Doctors Collingwood, who proceed to chisel out his teeth with a hammer. That dream sequence I'm pretty sure is the kernel that eventually grew into Freddy Krueger and the whole Nightmare on Elm Street concept.

There is a fight between John and Krug that roams throughtout the house, and it gave me intense Clockwork Orange vibes, Hess is fully unhinged at this point, bleeding from birdshot in his shoulder, and goading the older man into swinging at him. There is a split-second moment where you can see a man standing in a doorframe behind the two men, as Krug advances of the wounded John, which I thought was a crew member accidentally in the shot. Instead, that tiny, tiny moment serves as the establishing shot which leads into Jr appearing behind Krug with Weasel's gun (There are tiny moments of technical brilliance like this peppered all throughout the film). There is a tense standoff, and for a moment there is hope that Jr will break free from his father's abusive hold over him, and try to atone for what he's done, but it passes, and Krug bullies his own son into suicide.

We get to see John's booby trap pay off, and Krug meets an appropriately grizzly end, hacked apart by a chainsaw (This film somehow does chainsaw violence better than the actual Texas Chainsaw Massacre...) while Estelle slashes Sadie's throat in the pool. The cops finally show up, just as John is jamming the motorized blade into the helpless, terrified Krug, and merely stand around, utterly incapable of rendering any kind of aid.

The film ends there, and that would be fine, if it didn't immediately jump back into that goddamn banjo music, and roll credits over freeze-frames of the cast that are directly out of some old sitcom. It is so jarring and inappropriate, I honestly could not tell you what the fuck Wes Craven was thinking when he edited this thing. And he did. He wrote, directed, and edited it himself, which is the only way a movie like this ever gets made.

On the subject of the music, there is a sort of 'theme song' called The Road Leads Nowhere that plays at several points throughout the movie. It's a folksy kind of tune with melancholy lyrics, and it's the bit of music that fits the scenes it's used in the most often (although still not always). Apparently that song was written and performed by David Hess, which adds a whole new layer to scenes where it is used, if you imagine it as something of an internal monologue that Krug is experiencing.

I have gone back and forth on how to rate this thing so many times, and I am still not confident in my decision. I think I enjoyed watching this movie, on balance. I was variously gripped, confused, revolted, and actually offended (something that does not often happen to me while watching a film) by the utterly bizarre experience of watching this one, and I think parts of it are just badly made, but other parts are crafted with a care and sensitivity that it makes it hard to write this off as pure exploitation trash. There is a kernel of solid gold at the heart of this thing, but it is totally buried beneath a toxic, cancerous mass of deliberate, in-your-face provocation. I am going to give this one 2.5/5 stars. This is definitely not the best horror movie ever made, but it's certainly not the worst. I don't think I'd ever want to see it again unless I was showing it to a group of friends or something though.
 
Halloween II (1981)
I've decided that I want to watch the entire Halloween franchise this October, so I went ahead and moved on to Halloween II (1981) tonight.

This is such a great movie, and such a great follow-up to the original. As I was watching, I wrote down the phrase 'Bigger, Louder, and Meaner' and I think that sums it up pretty well. Everything from the score, to the sets, to the kills benefits from the significantly beefier budget that this sequel had over the original, without completely sacrificing the minimalist ethos that drove the first film. There is also a dark humor that feels much more like the rest of the 80's slasher crowd than the first flick, which had laughs, but mostly not at the expense of the victims. That's not to say that this is a mean-spirited or particularly transgressive film, just that the script has been fleshed out some and the universe feels a little less quaint and innocent than in the first movie. It feels more like a world that Michael Myers belongs in, rather than one he has invaded.

The plot picks up during the climactic ending of the first film, giving us an abbreviated version of events, and fairly smoothly transitioning into the continuing action. Donald Pleasance returns as Dr. Loomis, as does Jamie Lee Curtis as Laurie Strode, and Jamie in particular seems to have grown into her acting chops in the three years since the first movie was released. Donald Pleasance's beard visibly fills out as he emerges from the house three years older, which is kind of funny as well. I should mention that the song 'Mr Sandman' serves as both intro and outro to this movie, and it works so well, despite not being set in the 50s/60s when that song was actually popular. I vaguely remember it becoming something of a recurring theme in these movies, but I guess I'll find that out.

Dr. Loomis pursues Michael out of the house, after firing six shots into his chest and blasting him off of a balcony. As we saw in the original, Michael is already gone by the time Loomis makes it downstairs. From here we get to see Michael stalking through the neighborhood, in what I like to call 'Michaelvision', long POV shots accompanied by Michael's masked breathing. The mask POV is arguably done better in the original, with the small eyeholes visibly obscuring parts of the screen, but the overall effect, with the heavy breathing and unfocused edges, is still very strong.

While Michael roams the alleys and houses of the neighborhood, the town is beginning to discover what has happened already that night, and flocks of people begin to converge on the house. Loomis and Sheriff Brackett (Charles Cyphers) continue to search the streets, and Laurie is carted off to the local hospital. In the ambulance we are introduced to Bud (Leo Rossi) and Jimmy (Lance Guest), who recognizes Laurie as attending the same school as his younger brother. I'm pretty sure this chatter between them is just to establish who Laurie is for anyone who didn't see the first film, but it also gives us our first glimpse at the wider cast this one will employ.

Arriving at the hospital we are treated to the sight of a child with a razor blade stuck in their mouth, presumably hidden inside a halloween treat. I knew this was something the news would get up in alarms about every Halloween when I was a kid, but I think this is the first time I've seen it depicted, or implied to be a real thing that happens. It's a great practical effect, and one of the 'meaner' jokes I mentioned, as the situation is definitely played for laughs. This is what I mean when I say it feels like a world Michael belongs in; there's casual cruelty in the background, without him needing to be there to inflict it. We also learn that the only doctor available (Ford Rainey) has been drinking, which might explain why he sedates Laurie to give her a few stitches, as well as draws about half a liter of blood from her right after mentioning her blood loss.

Back on the streets, Loomis and the sheriff spot a figure that resembles The Shape (this time portrayed by the legendary Dick Warlock), walking down the street among the trick-or-treaters. He's even wearing a similar mask. Loomis gives chase, and the figure lurches out into the street, where a cop car fucking annihilates him. It's so sudden and unexpected, the cruiser comes out of nowhere and just explodes into a massive fireball, with the object of Loomis' pursuit slammed between the hood of the car and the side of a van that also explodes on contact. The person in the mask is incinerated in seconds, rendering it extremely difficult to confirm whether it really was Michael or not.

We are next introduced to Karen (Pamela Susan Shoop), a nurse at the local hospital who has been out at a Halloween party. We get a short scene with Karen and a friend of hers, that smoothly transitions into exposition via boombox, as a man walks by, the radio blaring out a news story about the murders, and broadcasting Laurie's location to the world. The film doesn't leave us hanging for long, and we get confirmation that Michael was not the boy killed in the explosion (It's later revealed to have been Ben Tramer, the boy Laurie has a crush on in the first movie) when he bumps into boombox-man. With his destination now known to him, Michael proceeds to the hospital himself. Ben Tramer's death is never mentioned again after it is confirmed that he was the one who died, and presumably the cop who killed him faced no consequences, as is tradition.

The rest of the film, more or less, takes place at the Haddonfield hospital. We are introduced to Karen's boss, Mrs. Alves (Gloria Gifford), as well as her fellow nurses Jill (Tawny Moyer) and Janet (Ana Alicia), and the hospital security guard, Mr. Garrett (Cliff Emmich). During one scene in the hospital cafeteria/break area we get my favorite exchange of dialogue in the film, between Bud and Janet:

Janet: "Every other word you say is either Hell, or Shit, or Damn!"
Bud (deadpan): "Sorry. I guess I just fuck up all the time."

Comedy gold. Bud also delivers the appalling line "Amazing Grace, come sit on my face" which is either genius or madness.

Jimmy is the first person to actually tell Laurie that the monster who attacked her is the same Michael Myers who killed his sister fifteen years prior, which seemingly unlocks some repressed memories, and we get our first big hint at the movie's big 'twist'. It has been pointed out to me that this movie is where I got the idea that Laurie is Michael's sister in the first film, because that is precisely what is revealed in this one, a little later on. It's been about twenty years since I watched any of these movies apart from the first one, and H20, which I saw in theaters just... oh god... stop thinking about the passage of time. Anyway, the idea that the two were related is something I had carried around, but I had forgotten that it was actually established as canon in this film.

The middle portion of the fim cuts between Michael eliminating the small staff on duty at the hospital one by one, with some pretty inventive kills thrown in, and Laurie desparately trying to hide and/or escape, while Loomis continues his search for Michael (I'm not actually sure why nobody thought to put even a single cop on Laurie-watch, or why they all thought he was done with her that night). Bud gets offed in the background of a shot focused on Karen, which is very artsy and cool, and then Michael drowns Karen in scalding water, which is a little less artsy, but still very entertaining. Mrs. Alves is exsanguinated off-screen at some point, and Garrett gets to experience Hammer Time. I'm honestly not sure if Jimmy is dead by the end of the film. He slips in a pool of Alves' blood and hits his head, but he makes it out to the parking lot with Laurie later on, only to seemingly die at the wheel. Maybe it was blood loss from the head wound? I don't think he shows back up in any of the sequels, but it was kind of odd how ambiguous his fate was left. I'll be very impressed if he does make a return. I won't spoil all the kills, there are a couple other great ones, and just about every moment that Michael is on-screen is impossible to look away from.

The run-up to the climax is filled with great moments, and Dick Warlock really escalates the super-human force of nature feeling given off by The Shape, frequently just walking straight through doors and exhibiting freakish strength. The mask continues to be an incredible choice, because it translates the blank emptiness of Michael's psyche into an outward persona in a way that even the most talented actor never could, and paired with Warlock's implacible physicality, the effect is deeply convincing. I want to be far away from Michael Myers at all times.

There is a short scene a bit earlier in the film with dialogue between Loomis and officer Hunt (Ben Tramer's killer) where Hunt (Hunter Von Leer) offers Loomis a cigarette, which he takes, and then a lighter which he also takes. The scene continues and Loomis notably does not light the cigarette, he only took the items handed to him because he was talking and didn't want to interrupt himself to explain that he doesn't smoke (or so I imagine) and he walks off with both still in his hands. This becomes important later.

Loomis (who has been ordered by the governor himself to return to the mental hospital) carjacks the Federal Marshal sent to escort him, once he learns of the connection between Laurie and Michael Myers, and the Marshal takes it pretty well, all things considered. He, along with a woman who I think is meant to be the nurse from the beginning of the first film (although I thought she was dead?) and the Marshal return to the hospital, just missing Laurie in the parking lot. A tense sequence follows where Laurie screams for help and pounds on the door to the building, Loomis letting her in at the last moment. This is one of the moments where Michael just ignores the existence of a door and walks through it without breaking stride, only for Loomis to plug him six more times with his revolver, with exactly the same efficacy as the first time.

The climax takes place in one of the operating rooms, and it is absolutely perfect. Laurie finally gets to take her own stand against michael, shooting him once through each eye. By this point Michael's supernatural durability has been well established and it comes as no shock when this does not put him down. Instead The Shape blindly slashes around the room with a scalpel until Loomis hatches a plan.

Loomis and Laurie begin opening the gas valves on all of the Ether tanks in the room, flooding the room with flammable gas (Which, if I understand Ether correctly, probably would have killed everyone in the room on its own. "There is nothing so helpless and irresponsible and depraved as a man in the depths of an Ether binge" and all that). This is where the pocketed lighter resurfaces, with Loomis shepherding Laurie out of the room and then igniting the gas, killing himself, and seemingly Michael as well. The Shape emerges from the roaring flames one last time, before collapsing and burning away. It would be a convincing end to Michael if A. he had not already had one immolation fake-out death in this movie, and B. you didn't know that there are 11 more movies in this franchise.

Overall this movie is a very solid follow-up to the first, and makes excellent use of the larger budget without losing sight of the original's minimalist charm. I'm going to give this one 5/5 as well, although I doubt that trend will hold throughout the rest of the series. The third one is pretty rough if I remember correctly (and also has absolutely nothing to do with any of the other films). My final thought is that for all the bad sequels billed as Something: Part 2, this is one film that actually is just a straight up Part 2, and they decided not to go with that naming convention for some reason, which I find odd.


Edit: I've been giving this some thought (far more than it actually merits, but that's what I'm here for) and I realized that I don't know how Michael knows that Laurie is his sister. She was two years old when he killed Judith, so there's no way he recognized her (discounting a supernatural connection, which would be a totally valid explanation in this series) at 17. In the intervening time, he clearly learned some things about the world (like how to drive, and what Samhain means) but I think it would be very strange if Dr. Loomis were telling him anything about his family, at least after the first few years of their relationship, given the way that Loomis talks about Michael. So he should have no idea that his parents are dead, or that Laurie was adopted by another family in Haddonfield. In fact, we don't know for sure that Laurie is even the same name he knew her by. She was adopted at four, but I can imagine the adoptive parents changing her name to try and shield her a bit from the notoriety of her birth family.

So, Michael shows up at his childhood home, ready to finish the job he started fifteen years earlier, but finds it empty, something he probably never even considered. Then, a girl about the same age as his remaining sister would be, who another person calls Laurie within his hearing (assuming this is actually her birth name here), just happens to turn up on the house's doorstep? I think he decided in that moment that Laurie was his sister, and that he was going to kill her, completely absent any hard evidence to back that conclusion up. He happened to be right, but that's probably down to Fate or some bullshit, not any actual knowledge that Michael possessed. From there, the only other people he kills in the first movie are canoodling teenagers, which is what (apparently) set him off in the first place, and he uses them to make a shrine to Judith, which makes me think their murders were really just auxiliary crimes, subordinant to his true goal of offing Laurie and making her the centerpiece of his Idol.

In any case, I no longer know whether this plot element makes any sense at all, but I'm pretty sure I need to just move on to the one without Michael, to wipe my brain clean and smooth again.
 
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