I wrote a thing, but it was in various sessions along the day, so I'm not sure if the tone and flow have kept well or not. Also, I got fed up with it and wanted to post it, so I only re-read half of it. Any comment, suggestion or correction is very welcome.
Epic Showdown of the Fates.
The whole matter, Obi Wan reflected, had become simply ridiculous.
It had started well enough, with the Jedi Council managing for a moment to pierce the veil of darkness that obfuscated the Force... only to find a second one directly behind it, made entirely out of smugness. The Jedi Order collectively focused its eyes on Lady Ciaran, who for years now had gracefully sidesteped every investigation thrown her way and positively radiated that very same emotion whenever she came to the Temple for yet another inquiry. This time, though, they had managed to find a lead and their best specialists had shadowed a group of heavily armored Mandalorians (he reminded himself to ask Satine what was up with
that next time he happened to see her on Coruscant) as
they shadowed a row of disreputable characters all around the Galaxy, until they finally arrived at a warehouse in Coruscant to witness a meeting between Count Dooku and a shadowed figure. The Jedi team made the correct tactical assessment following the latter while the "Guide Dogs" (strange name for spies, that) kept to the former and eventually found themselves in front of the Supreme Chancellor's office.
The Council wisely assessed that Chancellor Palpatine was probably the mysterious Dark Lord of the Sith they had been searching for years, though the Masters refused to call him "Darth Insidious", the moniker Lady Ciaran had given them years before, on the basis that the woman was likely just fucking with them at this point.
From there things had progressed rapidly, with Dooku taken down by a still living Darth Maul and allegedly Asajj Ventress along with many unidentified Force users, possibly from one of the minor orders of the Galaxy. This brought complete chaos among the Separatists and the war ground to a screeching halt almost by itself, which prompted the Jedi to act before either of the remaining darksiders (or possibly, may-be, presumed to be something alike?) could exploit the occasion.
The arrest of Palpatine had gone swimmingly, at least as far as public relations went: it seemed like the Sith Lord in the past days had experienced a long streak of bad luck and small incidents which had soured his temper considerably and kept him from sleeping, so when the whole Council plus a select few Knights had gone to the Senate they had found him dressed in rumply robes stained with scalding stimcaf, ranting at an intern in the middle of the Senate anteroom. The ensuing fight had left the revealed "Darth Sidious" (Anakin had snorted hearing that and almost lost a finger to a rabid ex-Chancellor) without a job or hands, not to mention under investigation for a list of crimes spanning most of the existing legal codes.
The first problem came with the
other suspected mastermind: records showed Lady Ciaran had gone on a private vacation on that very same day and all her known associates had disappeared, except for one. Senator Naberrie was found the day following Palpatine's arrest in her apartment still recovering from an unspecified "victory party", but gave a series of coordinates to an "emergency safe haven" their quarry had given her, though she requested to come with the team and seemed convinced their mission was all some sort of practical joke on Ciaran's part. At least with her aboard Anakin was kept in good spirits after a dear friend of his was outed as a murderous villain, though he would have to question the young Knight on the conversations he had had with the Senator (when did they find time to go meet Shmi Skywalker with Ciaran last year? Where did the latter find Naboo's Magnus Charter for Padme's naming day? Why wasn't he invited to the party?).
No, the humiliating part began when the Jedi (Masters Yoda, Ki-Adi-Mundi and himself, along with Anakin and his padawn Ahsoka. The rest were busy trying to keep the Republic from collapsing after the so called "Insidious Scandal") and the Senator started their travel, or at least tried to.
The problem was that their navigational computer gave back strange errors when they entered the astro-coordinates and Master Yoda in his venerable age was cautious enough to call the customer support rather than letting Anakin fix it. What followed were two hours of mind-boggling boredom as Yoda was bounced between offices and Ki inexpertly tried to explain their problem to info-droids, while Anakin kept muttering to himself unkindly as Ahsoka and Padme chatted and played pazaak. In the end they managed to speak with someone from the IT department in person and Obi Wan gently took the lead on the conversation.
He had lived through many difficult experiences, but he had to to admit his sheer humiliation when the techie discovered that the planet they wanted was, in fact, called "ERROR 404: PLANET NOT FOUND" in the "INVALID DESTINATION" system, was possibly the most degrading of them all. There was something in being lectured like an especially dim toddler by the nasal voice of someone with less experience with women than the group of monks he was speaking to, that cut surprisingly deep.
The travel itself was mostly fine, with Anakin guiding Ahsoka through exercises, Padme drinking a lot of liquids and Master Yoda snoring softly in his afternoon meditation. Ki-Adi-Mundi, though, had decided to keep him company in the cockpit and Obi Wan discovered that the powerful cerean Master had an atrocious sense of humor
and the need to fill any silence with his voice.
In the end, they arrived in the hidden system undetected, dropping out of hyperspace well clear of the planet and proceeded cautiously toward the surface, where they found a single large settlement and decided for a rapid assault. Anakin landed on the private launching pad of the large structure where they felt Lady Ciaran's Force presence and they disembarked quickly, entering the complex with a spare electronic key in Padme's possession. And that's when things got really weird.
The interior was labyrinthine, probably deliberately so, with corridors going nowhere and rooms grouped together for no good reason. The defence systems (Obi Wan refused to call them traps), though bizarre and non-lethal, still took out two of their numbers (he never knew Master Mundi was allergic to Bothan peanuts and Ahoka had had to take him back to the ship looking for his epipen) and the people inhabiting the building were just outlandish. In a spacious room he had seen a blue skinned alien playing dejarick with General Grievous using all kinds of separatist droids and live ammo, while in another a Hutt and an old man had seemingly recreated Zeltros writ small and in a third there was some sort of fighting ring going on and Anakin had gotten a nice shiner. He himself had just been chased out of a laboratory by a shrieking droid Togruta after he had seen her half-naked as she... changed parts? He didn't even know what to think anymore.
But none of it mattered, as they had finally found their target: she stood there, on a stage at the end of an unreasonably long hall, with heavy drapes covering the windows and a soft gothic chant on the background. They advanced rapidly and once they were near he decided to take the lead, wishing to put this misadventure firmly behind himself:
"You cannot win, Ciaran!" he declared "Surrender yourself and you'll have a just process."
The Force vibrated with a feeling of terrible amusement. "Win, Obi Wan?" Ciaran smiled broadly "But I already have! The public loves me, both the Separatists and the Senate are kept together only by my influence. I lacked only one thing and you have finally brought it to me! After I drunkenly forgot her back on Coruscant. Sorry." Everyone turned to Padme, who was shocked either by discovering that her best friend
was an amoral mastermind or that she actually
had left her passed out in a bar the night before. But before anyone could speak, Ciaran continued talking and things spiraled completely out of his control.
"Now, Padme, join me and together we shall run the Galaxy as heterosexual life partners!"
"What?! No!"
"Well love, I if you want more I'm open to give it a try, but-"
"What?! NO!"
"Anakin, dear, don't interrupt. I'm speaking with my new colleague and possibly lov-"
"She's not gonna come with you! And she's not gonna become our lover! She's-" Anakin's brain managed to catch up with his mouth at that very moment and barely stopped it from fucking him over every aspect of his life at the same time. This created an awkward silence in the conversation, though their host was more than happy to fill it.
"Ani, sweetie, what did Dr. Razon say to you about unhealthy obsessions?" Her tone was motherly.
"That while our personal bonds are necessary for individual growth, we must always respect that others have their own wants and needs." Anakin recited what was clearly a lesson learned by rote, acting the scolded child to a T.
"Good." The part Miraluka turned to the other woman again. "Now, are you sure you don't want to be the supreme ruler of the Galaxy?"
"Of course not! I'm a Senator of the Galactic Republic and I won't become a puppet for a despot, Ciaran!" Padme's answer was as clear as her convictions.
"Honey, who said anything about puppets? Just because I effectively own the Galaxy doesn't mean I want to
manage it. I just thought you'd like to try your hand at becoming Supreme Chancellor and do all those reforms you always talked about."
"Now wait a minute" at this point Obi Wan felt the need to interject. "Nobody is defecting to anyone: we're here to take you in for questioning and that's all that's gonna happen. Ciaran: come down. You're coming with us." His tone was level and his expression serious.
"No, I'm not."
"Yes, you are."
"No, I'm not."
"Yes."
"No."
"Yes." The Jedi brought a hand to his lightsaber.
"No." The Miraluka pressed a button and plasma shields appeared all around the intruders. Obi Wan's shoulders dropped.
"There's cortosis under the floor and walls, isn't there?" He sounded tired.
"Big time." Ciaran nodded.
"Bugger."
"Chosen the wrong companions for this travel I have." The only person who had remained silent chose that moment to intervene, looking from Anakin, who seemed in the middle of a fairly serious personal crisis, to Obi Wan, who just looked defeated. Yoda then turned to the one phantom menace he could never predict, to engage her in discussion while he waited for the inevitable stroke of luck. He found her smiling winningly.
That same expression was making Padme panic internally. Because she knew
it, almost as well as she knew Ciaran herself. It wasn't the happy "taking you on vacation whether you like it or not" smile or the impish "telling your sister of that night at the club" smile, no. This was the full frontal, unrestrained "wake up the day after covered in chocolate and Twi'leks" smile. She spoke before she gave herself time to think.
"Is it too late to jump ship?"
"What?!"
"What?!"
"Yes!"
"No!"
The last ones were Anakin and Ciaran, respectively.
"Sorry guys, but she's going to bring out the big guns and I'd really like to have my self esteem intact when I make my reforms."
"Excellent choice, love, now when this is over we can all enjoy the celebrations together."
"Wait Padme, don't do it! I know you're confused and maybe want to experiment but-"
"Anakin Brian Skywalker!" The tone alone shut up the young Jedi immediately and made the other human male cringe instinctively, giving time to the mortified ex-Queen to prepare for an unparalleled tirade of feminine fury on the concepts of freedom and personal privacy. Meanwhile Ciaran activated her comms unnoticed and waited for the intergalactic holonet call to pass through. It took just under ten minutes, which sounded like a lot, but honestly it was a very good time for a signal coming from the middle of nowhere and then going to a
different middle of nowhere. Providentially, it connected just as Padme was winding down, leaving her poor victim red as a star and hoping to disappear in the ground, while the other twomonks shuffled uncomfortably on the side. The famous businesswoman exchanged the usual courtesies and then called out just as the silence was becoming
really awkward.
"Anakin, dear, I'm passing a call to your comms." Everyone abruptly turned to her, having somehow forgotten her presence. "Your mother has something to tell you." He answered automatically, without even noticing the distressed look of his former Master or Yoda's disapproving one.
"Yes Mum?... No, no I do want to talk to you, but the last days have been very busy and before that I was at the front... yeah, sure, what news?...WHAT? But you're- I mean the healer said- No no I'm happy, I'm happy! I just wondered... how far along? What!? Why didn't you tell- no, no I'm not angry I just- yeah, yeah, I understand... so, ah- when is it due? WHAT?! But it's less than a week I can't- nonono I
want to be there- just wait a second." The young man looked up and said to noone "I gotta go", then ran back down the hall as the rear plasma shield helpfully lowered still talking on the comms.
Ciaran called to him waving "Your starfighter is waiting on the roof!" and a muted "Thanks!" echoed from the retreating figure (it was an exceedingly long hall). The lady of the land, the whole system to be precise, looked at the two remaining Jedi "Soo... what's next?"
"You don't really think we'll be as easily manipulated as my former Padawan, do you?" Obi Wan had managed to collect himself back into his usual unflappable exterior "I'm afraid neither Master Yoda nor I are so...
inept in our emotional discipline, but I admit you have us at a disadvantage and so I'll give diplomacy a last chance. What do you want, Lady Ciaran?"
"I already told you, Master Kenobi: I already have everything I ever wanted. It's you who dropped in unannounced and started talking of arrests and investigations; I'm only playing host until you decide to depart. Oh, and speaking of ineptitude and diplomacy how is dear Sabine?" The last human male in the room stiffened. "Last I heard her pregnancy was the talk of both Coruscant and Mandalore... Mandalore the Resurgent himself even recalled her back home about it and he sounded furious! I spoke to her yesterday as she was about to embark and she told me it was going well; I had heard she wanted to call the baby Obi-Too, but she said-"
"Excuse me Master Yoda, I need to go save- I mean recover my former Padawan, yes. I'll see you back at the Temple as soon as I'm done." He turned away and marched out quickly.
"There's an express convoy to Mandalore launching in half an hour from the spaceport, Obi Wan, I'm sure you'll find a ship to Tatooine from there. Bye." The part Miraluka kept smiling and locked eyes, as the saying goes, with the oldest, most venerable Jedi Master in the Galaxy. The staredown was surprisingly even, considering she had the advantage of a mask, and in the end it was the younger participant who broke the silence.
"Razuk Sorority Spring festival, University of Zeltros, 136 After the Ruusan Reformation."
The old Master turned and walked away in silence.
Lady Ciaran, head of arguably the most powerful organization in the Galaxy thought that was very rude of him and so she said goodbye with a polite "May the common sense be with you." Unfortunately the aged Jedi stopped just for a second before continuing, so she walked down the stage and guided her somewhat astounded best friend by the arm to a hidden door on the side of the room, then down a corridor.
"That went well. Honestly, when I realised I had left you in that bar I thought all my machinations were for nothing but we managed to pull it off, didn't we?"
"We? What are you talking about?"
"Love, you're going to be the Supreme Chancellor of the new Galactic Republic, you can't let people think you aren't abreast of everything."
"I already told you, I won't be your puppet in the Senate." They both stopped for a moment, before Ciaran resumed guiding her at a slower pace.
"I already have those, dear. What the Galaxy and I truly need is someone actually capable of mending all the bridges and wounds caused by that silly Darth Insidious and his posse. And
you are the only one with those capabilities who didn't foolishly cut all diplomatic relations with the Separatists at the beginning of the war and who kept calling for peace. The Republic will come to you, as will the Separatist Council and the CNS and afterward... who else could be counted on to steer the ship? No Padme, you'll be Supreme Chancellor of the whole Galaxy on your own merits, with or without me, but I intend to be at your side regardless."
"I don't know if I can do all that."
"Don't worry, sweetie, you'll have all the help you'll need. Tomorrow we'll have to return to Coruscant for the start of the voting procedures but, as I said, for now we can celebrate with all my old and new family." The spymaster opened a door and followed the other woman inside.
"Celebrate? Ciaran we've already-" Padme looked around and stopped talking. They were back in the Little Zeltros room. Only it seemed even bigger now, the music was louder and there was a lot more people, including the blue alien and Grievous and a lot of food and drinks on the tables and-
Oh Force there's melted chocolate and Twi'lek dancers. She turned abruptly but found herself facing her closest friend who smiled and put an arm on her shoulders. She had just noticed Ciaran wasn't blindfolded and smoldering violet eyes were looking at her when she realised something and froze. It was
that smile, again.
"Don't worry love, I'm sure you and my new boyfriend will get along
famously."
THE END
Edit:
Behind the Scenes, or Ciaran's checklist:
- The Jedi found out the Veil I made to hide from [Insidious].
- Shit, the idiots are gonna come after me.
- Dangle some heavily armoured Mandos in front of the Jedi and lead them on a merry chase around the Galaxy to buy time.
- Disseminate rumors of betrayal about [Count Doofus] in [Insidious]' network and follow him to the source.
- Lead Jedi to encounter and then learn who it is from them.
- Shit, it's Palpatine
- I'm fucked.
- Just had an idea to rename subject [Insidious].
- Initiate operation [Counted Days] with assets [Half the Man I Used to Be], [Bitch Cassidy] and all [Invisible Hands].
- Commence [A Series of Unfortunate Events] strategy on target [Shit Lord]
- Find a Senate internship for Staci from the front desk. Force knows she's clumsy enough to do half our work entirely by accident.
Take [Princess of the Universe] on vacation on [Bestnameever].
Come clean-ish with her and convince [Princess of the Universe] to take up the Office and make our dreams come true.
Use [Princess Nameday's Afterparty] pics only if necessary.
Bring actual melted chocolate and Twi'leks in any case. Why not.
Wait with her for the Jedi to follow the breadcrumbs as we pilot the elections and talks on all three sides.
Cause enough problems so only Jedi on the [Offers that You Can't Refute] list can come.Remind tech department to disable the lethal traps but leave the funny ones active.
Since he tentacle plant is in both categories, either teach it to be gentle or take it away.
Make [Princess of the Universe] meet [Blueberry Delight].
Use [Princess of the Universe] on [Prophesied Timebomb] and the appropriate items from the list to deter action.Victory Party!
Own the Galaxy as heterosexual life partners.
"Heterosexual" is negotiable.
- Fuck.
- They'll be here in three hours. Wing it.
- The team is composed of [Prophesied Timebomb], [Celibate is a State of Mind], [Flygal], [Master Talkalot] and [Master Gollum].
- Use [Space Mary], [Bun in the Oven], [Prophesied Timebomb], nutlauncher turret and [Ancient History] respectively.
- [Princess of the Universe] is with them.
- The dancers and the chocolate were ready anyway.
- Victory party!
- Make [Princess of the Universe] meet [Blueberry Delight].
- Own the Galaxy as heterosexual life partners.
- "Heterosexual" is negotiable.
