Marked for Death: A Rational Naruto Quest
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- naruto rationalist romance armageddon is looking better and better damn you kishimoto explosions everywhere explosives solve everyone if in doubt surrender to the mercy of zabuza it seemed like a good idea at the time looks like a really bad case of being a jōnin my god. where does the lore end? precommitting is the winning plan screaming in kagome screw the rules i have explosives something bad might still happen sometimes you gotta sociopath stabby zabby subsection c of paragraph 9 should include we can weaponize this so hard open voting
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@Orisha91 When you vote, could you please make a new post instead of editing it into an older one? You edited your vote into a post that was before the actual definition of the plan, meaning that it appears first in the tally count but doesn't list the details. Not a huge deal but it would make our lives easier.
(Note that the approval voting will happily collate your votes across multiple posts, if that's what you were worried about. All of your votes count regardless of which post they're in.)
(Note that the approval voting will happily collate your votes across multiple posts, if that's what you were worried about. All of your votes count regardless of which post they're in.)
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PSA: Potentially disconcerting chapter incoming
The next chapter will be dropping soon. It contains one scene that we have been delaying writing as long as we could but don't feel we can skip any longer for simulationist reasons. We aren't sure what reaction this scene will produce. Some people may be relieved/happy, some might be upset, and probably for most people it will be shrug-worthy. If it upsets you, we apologize and ask that you step back from the keyboard for a few minutes before releasing the salt cannon. Again, it's not personal it's simply something we didn't think we could avoid any longer. (If it makes you happy, feel free to say so right away. ;> )
The next chapter will be dropping soon. It contains one scene that we have been delaying writing as long as we could but don't feel we can skip any longer for simulationist reasons. We aren't sure what reaction this scene will produce. Some people may be relieved/happy, some might be upset, and probably for most people it will be shrug-worthy. If it upsets you, we apologize and ask that you step back from the keyboard for a few minutes before releasing the salt cannon. Again, it's not personal it's simply something we didn't think we could avoid any longer. (If it makes you happy, feel free to say so right away. ;> )
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If it's Ami marrying Naruto, then I want the Prophetic vision Aspect.
My bad. Been working on an omake and got to lazy. I knew better.
Chapter 388: The Gōketsu’s Final Battle
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There were many places Hazō wouldn't want to find himself on the morning of his brother's wedding. The bottom of the ocean. Hidden Mist T&I. Orochimaru's basement. Ordinarily, Asuma's office wouldn't be quite this high on the list, but the Hokage's frosty demeanour was making him recalculate. He doubted he was here for another trip to the killbox—you couldn't call any misdemeanour treason unless you wanted to end up with a copy of Yagura's Mist—but he was pretty sure he hadn't been invited for a friendly cup of tea either. The sight of a poker-faced Lord Hagoromo sitting in the next chair over did nothing to dispel the impression.
"Lord Hagoromo, Lord Gōketsu, thank you for coming," Asuma began. "I don't want to be dealing with this first thing in the morning any more than you do, so let me be brief. I have judged that your conflict is on the verge of becoming a threat to Leaf security. That means it is over. Your clans will make peace with each other."
Lord Hagoromo's expression twisted in disgust for the merest fraction of a second before assuming an air of schooled indifference. Hazō's Iron Nerve did the same for him even as he reeled.
"Lord Hagoromo, your clan will retract its ban, and provide the Gōketsu with the same range of services you do the other clans, willingly and without complications. You can be assured that the ANBU miss nothing. Lord Gōketsu, you will compensate the Hagoromo for damages dealt"—Hazō opened his mouth, but shut it at a warning look from Asuma—"with the services of a Gōketsu sealing instructor, to provide one year's daily training to a jointly-approved Hagoromo candidate. All training and research will take place at the Hagoromo compound, and I will appoint a third party to monitor progress, and determine responsibility for any lack of progress. If there are any sealing failures or other esoteric mishaps, I will hold the Gōketsu accountable." He raised a finger to smother Lord Hagoromo's flicker of pleasure. "Please note that those failures will be happening in the Hagoromo compound. If anything else goes wrong, I will determine culpability.
"If either of you fail to hold to these terms in good faith, I will consider it defiance of my orders and take more direct action. You do not want that to happen. Am I understood?"
"Of course, Lord Hokage," Lord Hagoromo said in the voice of a man aware that no question was in fact being asked.
"You are, sir," Hazō said, suppressing a burning fury. Right when they were on the verge of something great, how dare he—
"Good. Lord Hagoromo, thank you for your time. Lord Gōketsu, please stay."
Lord Hagoromo bowed, gave Hazō a brief, smug look, and took his leave.
"We cannot keep doing this, Hazō," Asuma said wearily the second the door clicked closed. "I cannot keep summoning you to my office and explaining to you all the various ways your latest idea undermines the safety of this village, and then sending you out with a punishment that does nothing to stop you from being called back here in a few months' time. This is not an acceptable Hokage-clan head relationship."
"Sir," Hazō said with forced calm, "the Gōketsu were not the clan out of line here. The Hagoromo have been the aggressors all along, both to us and—"
"Kindly do me the favour of pretending your Kage is not an idiot," Asuma said sharply. "One of the harsh truths of war is that corpses don't care which side threw the first kunai. The Hagoromo's ruined business interests don't either. I know the Nara did most of the damage, but if you wanted plausible deniability, you shouldn't have started that mess with the currency. Did you really give them a sackful of Hidden Rock ryō?"
"That was a filthy lie," Hazō spat. "It was a random mix of currencies. Sir, you know the Gōketsu are as loyal to Leaf as it gets."
"I didn't think so," Asuma said. "But your loyalty isn't the issue here. Let's be clear on this, Hazō. The Hagoromo were not the ones who escalated. They failed to respect the dignity of a clan consort, and they withdrew a paid service provided by their clan. Those are actions with consequences, but they are not beyond the pale as far as Leaf society goes.
"What you tried to do was rally as many people as you could convince into an open war with another Leaf clan. And for what? A dozen shinobi, not one of them a full jōnin, most of them not even clan? Shinobi who, whatever their private circumstances, have been serving Leaf's interests perfectly well? How much damage were you prepared to do for their sake?"
"Sir," Hazō objected, "it's not just a dozen people. There must be countless others, unable to speak up out of fear."
"Must there?" Asuma said. "Did any of those countless others ask you to make war on their behalf?
"That doesn't matter. Can you imagine the potential damage if your actions ended up setting Leaf against itself? People marching against their fellows' source of spiritual guidance, others rushing to defend them? If you succeeded in turning the Hagoromo into champions of orthodoxy—or worse, martyrs—you'd pull everyone into the conflict. Even the most moderate clans would have a moral obligation to take sides. You could tear the village apart.
"The Clan Council exists so that such conflicts don't happen. It represents the will of the village. Any ambition to change the village as a whole goes through the Clan Council, where it can be discussed, debated, and finally acted on, if appropriate, by the village's representatives working together. Even your sister understood that much. By trying to privately rally the masses against the status quo, you chose to bypass the authority of the Clan Council—and you chose to bypass my authority as its head and the village leader."
They sat in silence for a few moments. Hazō was fuming, but he had nothing to say to the accusation—he really hadn't seen the Hokage or the Clan Council as relevant to the gay agenda. He'd begun making plans for how to get Asuma on board for the duel, but forgot to factor him into the war.
Asuma leaned forward over his desk. "Being honest, I don't care about any of this. You and the Nara and the Hagoromo can sort out the insults that both sides feel they were delivered and I don't particularly care how you do it as long as it doesn't affect Leaf as a whole or its military readiness. I don't care if sexual deviants want to spontaneously group up for mutual support—in fact, more power to them. Everyone should have the chance to be happy and I don't care if they're futtering a man, a woman, or a sheep—although the spines make that last one risky—so long as they are willing and able to do the missions I assign them. None of this is my problem... until you made it my problem by involving Leaf society in general with your war against the Hagoromo.
"Hazō, I wish I could just say this happened because you were an idiot and show you the door. But you're not an idiot. You're a valuable asset to this village who does so many things well. Your response in the aftermath of the Great Collapse, moving quickly to provide shelter for Leaf citizens, was exemplary. Your medical clinic's been helping to reduce the burden on the hospital at a time when we're so critically low on medic-nin. Your games nights are a clever way for outsiders like your clan to grow more embedded in Leaf's social fabric even though you no longer even live inside the village. And your adoption tickets? Simply brilliant. Exactly the kind of creative thinking this village needs in order to grow and prosper.
"So why do you keep blowing yourself up with your own tags?"
Hazō was at a loss how to answer. The fact was, he hadn't done anything wrong. The Hagoromo were corrupt. Their actions were causing suffering. They needed to be stopped. If all it took to shake Leaf was for a few people to stand up and say that everybody should be free to love who they loved, then maybe there was no choice but to shake it.
"I like the Gōketsu, Hazō. You've made a huge contribution to Leaf in the short time you've been here, and I have high hopes for you. Do not make me weigh your value to Leaf against that of another clan. Do you know how many Hagoromo ninja have laid down their lives in Leaf's name since the village was founded?"
Hazō shook his head.
"Most of them," Asuma said flatly. "I don't know how it is in Mist, but in Leaf, dying on a mission is natural causes for a shinobi. Only the unlucky are forced to die in bed. Your entire clan could sacrifice themselves twice over and it wouldn't put a dent in what the Hagoromo have given for this village. Hagoromo Ritsuo's spent more time in hospital recovering from mission injuries than you have serving as a Leaf ninja.
"I'm not saying this to defend his actions. Like I told you, that is simply not my problem. I'm saying this to remind you that a record of service carries a moral weight. Every clan in the village respects that weight, including the Sarutobi. Until the Gōketsu have it, generations from now, you should be careful making public threats against clans that do.
"You should also be careful about slandering our heroes. To my mind, it's distasteful to pretend the dead supported your political cause when there's no way to know, but you're not the first to play that card and you won't be the last. What you are is the first to play a one and act like it's the Sword Saint. Doors are going to close to the Gōketsu in the coming months when word gets round that the ex-Mist-nin are accusing Leaf's honoured dead of perversion, and you'd better hope that's as far as it goes. The Sage himself won't help you if any of the heroes on your list were clan.
"Finally, there is Isan. From both your and Yuno's reports, there'll be multiple factions in Isan that won't want to see the Pangolin Summoner back, much less side-by-side with the cursed child and a bunch of suspicious foreigners. A religious conflict is inevitable. I'm a lot less comfortable sending you there now I know your way to handle a religious conflict is a war to the finish.
"That'll be all. I hope you enjoy the wedding."
-o-
Hazō had been forced to sacrifice hours of shadow clone training to pull himself out of a spiral of fury and loathing that could have ruined a special day for one of the most important people in his life. Namely, he'd set all his clones to do nothing but meditation centred around the Yamanaka ninjutsu.
Hazō: Resolve 27 + 3 = 30 vs TN 23
The triple whammy of serenity had left him with an eerie sense of dissociation from his anger, as if it was just another process taking place inside his mind, to be examined and then set aside. In retrospect, the fact that no one had ever mentioned this use for the technique implied that it might not be entirely reliable or safe, so it might be a good idea to check with the Yamanaka or the Nara before doing it again.
Now that he was feeling a little more like himself, it was Hazō's duty to make sure everyone else was too, and specifically Akane. Really, it might have been a good idea to give her a heads-up before announcing to the world that she might at any point find herself in a polyamorous relationship with multiple men.
In the event, Akane was in a flurry of organisation with Gaku, who'd been called in to help with an emergency: the Hagoromo had sent an urgent messenger earlier that morning with an altered wedding plan. Hazō caught her just as she was updating the seating arrangements for the axe of honour.
"Hazō," she said with a smile. "You're looking… unusually relaxed."
"I'll tell you later. Listen, Akane, I wanted to apologise for the other night. I should have told you first."
"I wish you had," Akane said. "I mean, it's your right to love who you want, and I can't interfere in that, but it would have been nice to have a little time to prepare. People kept giving me these looks, and on the way out, somebody actually asked if this meant you and I had a Keiko-Shikamaru arrangement. I was lost for words."
She hesitated.
"Does this mean you already… have your heart set on someone?"
Hazō shook his head emphatically.
"There's only one person I love, Akane. All I wanted to say was that if I did find a boy I liked, I wouldn't try to pretend it away. That doesn't mean I think it's likely to happen. In fact, I doubt it will."
"I see," Akane said. "I was wondering if I should… I mean, I thought I knew where this was going, if you decided you wanted more than one person. I don't think I'd mind if it was someone I knew and trusted, though I guess there's no way to know for sure until it happens. But another boy… it bothers me a little. I mean, what if you go exploring, and it turns out you like boys more?"
"That's not going to happen," Hazō said confidently. "Did you miss the part where I'm hopelessly in love with you? And"—he found himself blushing—"I think we've established that you being a woman is a factor in that."
"I know," Akane said. "It's just that I don't exactly have anyone to talk to about these things. Mari said something vague about people still learning their preferences at our age, and then made an excuse to go do something else because she knew she wasn't going to reassure me. Ino's the wrong person to ask for love advice, at least for someone like me. I don't actually have many close friends in Leaf—I think I was too youthful for a lot of people back when I was at the Academy, and since then I've been busy. And the novels are full of these icy villainesses who prefer the company of women until the hero converts them with his love and acceptance and skills in the bedroom, so who's to say it doesn't work the other way round?"
"Wait," Hazō said, "you read those novels?"
"Not much. I read fiction for the plot, and in many of those the plot tends to be an excuse for the action. But… an expert introduced me to them last year, and then after Jiraiya's passing, I noticed that Mari wasn't grieving very much, and that worried me, but I figured if I just talked to her about it, she'd brush me off. So I asked her to recommend me her favourite works of Jiraiya's, and then after I read them, we started having long conversations about them—and about him. At first, back when there was this side of her that was cold and dark, it seemed like a doomed effort, but I kept going—it's not like getting to know Mari better wasn't worth it on its own terms—and then ever since she had her epiphany, she's started to open up a little."
Akane took a deep breath. "Hazō, I don't think she actually knows how to grieve. I mean, it's not exactly taught in the Academy, which is weird now I think of it because they do teach us about survival rates, but… well, you know what happened to her. She didn't let herself grieve for him because he was a monster, even though he was also her father figure, and after that she didn't let herself care about anybody enough to grieve when they were gone, but now she does care, and…"
"Akane?"
"Sorry, give me a minute to phrase this right.
"I never knew Jiraiya except as one of my greatest heroes, but I know he meant something to the rest of you, and you never really talk about that. I know Keiko's still angry with him, and I know Noburi's angry at fate, and you're trying to be someone who fills the gap he left in the world, and Kagome didn't let himself get that close in the first place and he has complicated feelings about that, and Haru's bitter because your bond with Jiraiya is just another thing he can't share… but none of you talk about your feelings, and I don't think it's good for Mari. Honestly, I don't think it's good for anyone."
Hazō didn't know what to say. The truth was that it wasn't just Keiko. The Gōketsu didn't talk as much as they wanted, maybe even not as much as when they'd been missing-nin with nothing in the world but each other's company. Deep conversations took time, and energy, and it felt like whenever he sat down to have one, he was taking away time from activities that would one day save the world.
"But that's not something to worry about today," Akane said. "Today is Noburi and Yuno's day, and if you tell me that everything is fine on the boy front, then I'll trust you. Instead, can you send a message to Keiko asking how many seats she'll need?"
"You know," Hazō noted, "to any other woman in the world, that would be an insult to be repaid in blood."
-o-
The hour was nigh. The crowds were gathered. Tsunade had been given special seating in the front row, where everyone else was expected to stand. The Hagoromo priest, a boy younger than Hazō and almost certainly their most junior acolyte, was preparing at the altar at the far end of the Path of Purification (the Hagoromo had neglected to tell them the details of the ceremony proper, blaming time constraints, but apparently Yuno's foreigner status meant that they'd had to dig deep into the ancient texts to find a suitable ritual). The day was overcast and cool, but by the ancestors' mercy, it didn't look like it was going to rain, despite the fact that they hadn't scheduled the wedding for an auspicious day (and therefore anything could happen).
Yuno was in the women's tent with Mari, their activities unknown and unknowable to the male gender. Noburi was here in the men's tent with Hazō, and he was not looking his best.
"Hazō, I don't know if I can do this."
"You have to do it," Hazō said patiently. "There is no possible way you can turn back now. Asuma would kill you if Yuno didn't get there first. And I'd be third in line, followed by the rest of the clan."
"You don't understand," Noburi said, his voice close to trembling. "Once I go out there, that's it. I go through the door, and then I turn around, and it's a wall, and it'll always be a wall. It's getting hard to breathe, just thinking about all those walls closing in on me. You remember the engagement party? That was it. My last hurrah. I'm never going to be able to have fun like that again. Whose idea was it for people to get married anyway?"
"Noburi," Hazō said impatiently, "did we not talk about this exact thing?"
"Noburi!" Akane stuck her head through the tent flap before he could elaborate. "What are you still doing here? The ceremony's about to start!"
"Akane," Noburi said, "I can't. I just can't."
Akane disappeared, then reappeared a few seconds later, and strode in as if having a woman enter the men's tent wasn't a catastrophic violation of everything that was right and proper in the world.
"Akane, you can't be here," Hazō hissed. "If people find out…"
"I've asked Prism to stand guard," Akane said. "She's been assigned deceptiveness. If anyone tries to go in, she'll tell them you're busy performing youth-based male bonding rituals, Rock Lee-style, and anyone who enters has to join in.
"Noburi," she said, "I don't think you understand what this ritual means at all. Stick your head out of the tent, just for a second. Look at her. Really look at her."
Noburi obeyed.
"This isn't some kind of binding spell being cast on you, Noburi. It's a battle."
"What do you mean?"
"Do you love her?" Akane asked simply.
"Of course I love her!"
"This is a battle, Noburi. It's a battle for her. You know how many enemies you're going to have to beat before she can be happy. All those inner demons. All the painful memories she can't escape. One day, you're going to have to beat the final boss, Satsuko, because you and I both know that codependent relationship has to break before her heart can be free."
Noburi nodded.
"It starts here, Noburi. It starts with beating the Hagoromo, but more importantly, it starts with beating yourself. None of it was ever about freedom, or responsibility, or who you are and aren't allowed to flirt with. Do you love her? Do you want her to be happy?"
"Of course I do."
"Then fight. The first boss is Gōketsu Noburi, and the only person in the world who can beat him is Gōketsu Noburi. Which Noburi are you going to be? The one who stands between Yuno and her happiness, or the one who wins?"
Noburi's hands tightened into fists. "Dammit, Akane."
He looked out through the tent flap again, then pulled back. He was quiet for a few seconds.
"Just don't ever tell her that I spent my last moments as a bachelor being this lame. Promise me, both of you."
Hazō and Akane both grinned. "You've got it."
Noburi strode out of the tent, head held high.
-o-
Noburi and Yuno stood at the start of the Path of Purification, he in a light summer yukata in Gōketsu green and red, and she in a kimono in Kannagi midnight blue. Ahead of them, Hagoromo attendants lined the path, buckets at the ready.
As the priest began to chant, juggling the seven gems, an attendant helped Yuno out of her kimono, symbolising her liberation from the darkness of her origins and leaving her in a white shift that left little to the imagination. There were gasps from the audience, which hadn't known anything about the ritual in advance. Hazō couldn't imagine the resolve it must have taken for Yuno to wear something like that in public.
In parallel, six steps apart as the instructions mandated, Noburi and Yuno began to slowly walk the several dozen metres separating them from the priest, and the first of the attendants started to strew purifying salt before them. Since everyone knew salt only purified what it touched, the pair had to walk barefoot (as having just their sandals purified would be of little benefit to the marriage).
Unfortunately, the salt the Hagoromo had brought wasn't ordinary ground salt, but coarse rock salt, the kind with sharp edges. Hazō could see the pair suppress winces as the soles of their feet began to bleed.
Step by step, they proceeded…
An attendant dumped a bucket of freezing cold holy water over Yuno's head, drenching her completely. She shivered, but didn't falter.
Noburi's bucket didn't contain cold water. It contained the venomous millipedes known as sin eaters.
According to Leaf legend, the First Hokage and Uchiha Madara had once found themselves trapped in a great nest of the creatures. The First was pure of heart, so he barely noticed their bites, but Madara was almost killed by pain as they devoured his sins.
Hazō couldn't see Noburi's expression from where he was, but his brother kept walking steadily onward even as the millipedes bit him. Was that an expression of shock, quickly smothered, on the Hagoromo priest's face?
Bucket after bucket followed. Yuno was beginning to turn blue, though by miracle of sorts her shift refused to turn see-through no matter how much water was dumped on it. Still, neither slowed down.
Finally, they reached the altar.
The Hagoromo priest threw them the gems one by one. Despite being theoretically incapacitated by pain in one case and frozen stiff in the other, Noburi and Yuno caught and juggled them (which was just as well, since dropping them would have been the ultimate ill omen for the marriage). The priest nearly faltered in his chanting, but recovered.
"I call upon the Sage of Six Paths," Noburi said smoothly, "to bestow the blessings of Seven upon my beloved bride, that the bonds between us be strong enough to bridge distant worlds, that our wills be a single blade cleaving a path to the future, and that the blood we spill always be followed by healing."
One for the world, one for her clan, and one for her. It was a nuance Hazō had missed the first time round.
"I call upon the Sage of Six Paths," Yuno said, speaking slowly and carefully as she forced her numb lips to obey (misspeaking during an oath being another terrible omen), "to bestow the blessings of Six on my beloved groom, that our bonds bring us together no matter where and when we are reborn, that our love be as endless as a river and as deep as the sea, and that in the coldest night, we tell our story warmed by the Will of Fire."
"Thus mote it be," pronounced the priest.
Noburi and Yuno cupped their hands together, catching the gems one by one, and rolled them into the mouth of the urn symbolising the Sage of Six Paths.
The audience, including Hazō, cheered uproariously, recognising that the completion of this particular ceremony was a genuine achievement on the part of the newly-married couple.
Finally, Noburi and Yuno turned around and cast blunted exorcism kunai at the crowd, and if the venom and the cold made their aim slightly off and a large number of kunai fell on the unprepared Hagoromo attendants, that could hardly be helped.
And with that, the Gōketsu had won.
The wedding had been a massive team effort. That morning, Mari had charmed the Hagoromo priest into spilling the details of the ceremony in advance, their choice of the youngest candidate completely backfiring on them. Haru had snuck in and stolen one of the millipedes, then got Tsunade to provide antivenom for Noburi to drink in advance. Akane had scoured the shops to find a water-resistant twill shift in Yuno's size. Keiko had persuaded the Akimichi to hand over a clan-exclusive cold climate endurance pill. Kagome-sensei had lurked ominously over the priest and attendants, making sure they didn't get any ideas about changing things up at the last minute. And Hazō, who'd had less time than the rest, had ensured the third tent contained a towel, a medical kit, a change of clothes, and a storage seal containing plenty of hot chocolate.
And then, as an unexpected finishing touch to the performance…
Noburi emerged from the tent, freshly dressed and looking no worse for wear, with a wet towel in one hand and a wooden bowl (which Hazō had no idea why he'd asked for) in the other, as well as a flask on his hip. He set the bowl on the ground and demonstratively wrung the towel out into it.
"Hey, Your Holiness," he called out to the Hagoromo, who was in the process of packing up. "We've got one last Isan tradition left. Could you hold up the urn?"
The priest looked uncertain, but complied.
Noburi reached into the bowl.
"Secret Art: Ami's Ultimate Buster Bomb!"
The water in the bowl coalesced, turning into a solid sphere in the palm of Noburi's hand.
He pulled his hand back, and then tossed it underarm into the mouth of the urn as if it were an eighth gem.
Almost.
The sphere went just a little too high—which is to say it hit the Hagoromo priest right in the face, leaving him soaking wet and goggling like a fish.
"Sorry, Your Holiness. Guess all that venom's still throwing off my aim. Don't worry, it wasn't a very important tradition anyway."
Now the Gōketsu had won.
-o-
The afterparty was raucous. Just as the wedding had been mostly given over to Leaf tradition, the afterparty belonged to Isan, and apparently the Isanites firmly believed that if they celebrated the marriage enthusiastically enough, the kami in charge of the couple's fate would follow suit. At least as long as the proper forms were observed.
Hazō, this time not in fool's motley as Yuno had seen to the briefings herself, had just finished commiserating with Ino over her miserably conservative outfit when he was joined by a hounded-looking Keiko.
"Hazō, I require a cast-iron excuse not to participate in that vilest of abominations known as traditional Isan dance."
"That's convenient. I require a conversation partner who will sadly be too busy to join in. Grab a seat."
Keiko sat down next to him.
"Say, Keiko," he said, "did I see you guys catching kunai at the ceremony earlier?"
"Of course," she said matter-of-factly. "I train with the greatest ranged weapons specialist of her generation. That much was trivial."
"All right… but why did you need five times a normal person's romantic success? Are things not OK with Tenten?"
Keiko hesitated. She leaned in towards him.
"Hazō," she said in the voice of a woman confiding that Leaf was secretly run by lizardpeople, "I have received a love confession."
"You have? From whom?"
"I believe under the circumstances it would be best for them to remain anonymous until and unless they choose otherwise," Keiko said.
"They? So, male? Female?"
"Hazō," Keiko said impatiently, "only you would interpret a statement of secrecy as an invitation to ask further questions."
"Sorry," Hazō said. "But you can't blame me for being curious. What are you going to do?"
"I have no idea!" Keiko exclaimed. "No one has ever confessed to me. I would almost suspect a prank, but that the gap in status would make such a course of action very dangerous to the prankster. Their behaviour makes no sense!"
"Have you considered…" Hazō paused as if to indicate a dramatic revelation in the offing, "that they might be attracted to you?"
"Absurd," Keiko said. "Miracles do not happen twice."
Hazō sighed. "So assuming this isn't part of some diabolical plot on this mysterious individual's part, what are you going to do about it?"
"I have no idea!" Keiko exclaimed again. "I barely know them. It would be an act of intellectual dishonesty, and perhaps cruelty, to reject them out of hand, but nor do I have any interest in romance with strangers whose motives are bewildering at best and suspicious at worst. I cannot even be completely certain that it is me they want, as opposed to having confused me with Snowflake."
"OK… what does Tenten think?"
"Tenten has little personal knowledge of them herself, nor of the implications should the most complicated relationship in the Elemental Nations become more complicated still. She has only just adjusted to Snowflake."
"To… Snowflake?" Hazō asked uncertainly. "Does that mean Tenten's dating both of you?"
Keiko nodded without comment.
Hazō tried to wrap his brain around a concept nobody in the history of mankind had ever had to try to wrap their brain around.
"But if you're dating her, and Snowflake's dating her, and you two are versions of the same person, does that mean you and Snowflake—"
"Hazō," Keiko said mildly, "while I have not consulted her, I imagine Yuno of all people will feel her wedding celebration only enhanced by a skillful display of maiming."
"So," Hazō said, "about your confession problem. Have you considered not committing to an answer until you've had a chance to spend a day together in order to facilitate greater mutual knowledge and familiarity, arranged in anticipation of a potential long-term relationship?"
Keiko stared.
"I… that is helpful advice. Terrifying helpful advice, but helpful advice nonetheless. Thank you, Hazō."
She sighed. "Hazō, I have a husband, a lover, a romantically-entangled variant clone, her clones, a Shiori, and now, incomprehensible love interests unfazed by my gender, sexuality, or marital or relationship status. Why," she asked plaintively, "do these things keep happening to me?"
"It's in your bloodline," Hazō decided after a second's thought. "Ami generates chaos; you attract it. It's the only explanation for how you ended up with me, Noburi and Mari, then Akane, then Kagome-sensei, then Jiraiya, then Tenten and Shikamaru and Shiori, then Snowflake, and now this. There's an undeniable pattern of escalation. It also neatly explains why you and your sister are so compatible."
"In other words," Keiko concluded, "I need to swiftly take control of and stabilise the present situation, because the next one will be even worse. Thank you, Hazō. I had noticed my life lacking in existential dread of late."
"Any time. Incidentally, where is Ami? I didn't see her earlier either."
"She elected not to attend," Keiko said. "She told me it would be unreasonable to ask Yuno to play coy about her origins on the day of her own wedding, though I suspect her actual motivations were different." She fell silent for a second.
She glanced over in the direction of the wedding pastries. "Excuse me. I believe I see Snowflake about to cause some manner of social disaster."
Hazō followed her gaze. Two Snowflakes were engaged in a passionate argument, while a third was trying ineffectually to calm them down, and the remaining one observed from a distance, scribbling in a notebook. Nearby, Yuno watched in bemusement, her hand holding Noburi's tightly.
Come to think of it, where did Snowflake fit into their family arrangement? Was she Nara Snowflake? Or, since she hadn't married Shikamaru, Gōketsu Snowflake? Presumably it wasn't legal for either party to adopt her (though he wasn't sure how much anyone would care, since she was unlikely to claim tax benefits). Hazō wondered if this was something that needed to be brought up with the Clan Council. He doubted many people would care about the rights of an entity that only existed for a handful of hours a day, given they failed to care about the rights of dozens of full-time gay ninja, but on the other hand, a legal system that accounted for different tiers of individuality and existence seemed like exactly the kind of future-proofing a society with him in it ought to have. Maybe he should make some lists on the subject.
"Could I have your attention, please?"
It was time for Yuno's speech.
"I just wanted to say… thank you." Her voice trembled slightly. "Thank you for being happy that I'm happy. Thank you for letting me be one of you. I… I don't know if I can be the person you want me to be, but I promise I will try as hard as I can. I'm Gōketsu Yuno now, not Gasai Yuno, and I won't let her karma follow me here. Not for as long as I have Noburi."
She tightened her grip on Noburi's hand. Hazō saw him wince a little, then deliberately relax into it. He placed his arm around her waist.
"A big thank you from me as well," he said. "I know weddings can be deadly boring, and that's even if it's close family getting married. As fellow Leaf ninja, you guys are extended family, so I really appreciate you turning up anyway. In years to come, you'll be glad you did. You'll be telling your grandkids, 'I was there when the world's greatest love story was just taking off', and we'll be telling our grandkids, 'This person cheered for us before we were famous; you be sure to look out for their descendants'."
Yuno stared at Noburi in shock for a second, but then smiled softly and leaned into him.
"Oh, that may not sound like much now, but trust me. Soon enough, being a friend of the Gōketsu is going to be a badge of honour and a guarantee of success all in one. Your descendants are going to look at that legacy of friendship, and they're going to go, "Best ancestors ever', and then they're going to go back to their peaceful, prosperous lives, because that's what we're going to bring them. You can count on that, because I'll never stop working to be the best man I can be, and to make this world the best place it can be. After all…" He winked. "I've got a girl to impress."
As he joined in the applause, Hazō realized anew how blessed he was. He hadn't had any siblings, and for much of his life he hadn't had a father. But ever since he'd left Mist, his family kept getting bigger, and it kept getting weirder, and both were wonderful in their own complicated ways. From the gloomy logistician whose first words to him were advice on how to commit suicide, to the axe-obsessed pariah who'd followed a boy she love-hated halfway across the world, each one brought unpredictable new bonds and new discoveries. Knowing that it would keep growing bigger and weirder still (though hopefully not as a result of Noburi and Yuno's grandkids just yet) lifted his heart in a way that made the disappointments of the day seem trivial in the long run.
-o-
You have received 3 + 1 + 1 = 5 XP.
-o-
Major thanks to @eaglejarl for huge amounts of help with the first scene.
-o-
What do you do?
Voting closes on Saturday 7th of November, 1 p.m. New York time.
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- Location
- Under a Rock
Victory! Let us celebrate by exterminating chakra beasts. And bringing Yuno into the FOOM plan.
- Location
- The Maple Syrup Mountains
Shame that the game night turned out to be the undoing of our plots. Thankfully, Asuma is still a beacon of moderation and charitability, however much we must be straining his patience.
Personally, I think Hazou should be the one to teach the Hagoromo guy sealmastery, because Kagome would be so uncomfortable going deep in enemy territory on a regular basis. His increased experience with Sealing would be more than counterbalanced by the risk that he freaks out and blows up the Hagoromo Estate and gets himself killboxed.
SC Math for Chapter 388 (Applied):
@eaglejarl, @Velorien
By the SOPs, Keiko is training with 4 clones and Akane is training with 3. With 3 base XP, the SC payouts are:
Personally, I think Hazou should be the one to teach the Hagoromo guy sealmastery, because Kagome would be so uncomfortable going deep in enemy territory on a regular basis. His increased experience with Sealing would be more than counterbalanced by the risk that he freaks out and blows up the Hagoromo Estate and gets himself killboxed.
SC Math for Chapter 388 (Applied):
@eaglejarl, @Velorien
By the SOPs, Keiko is training with 4 clones and Akane is training with 3. With 3 base XP, the SC payouts are:
- Keiko: +1.2 XP (3 x0.4)
- Akane: +0.9 XP (3 x0.3)
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- Location
- Book Fort
- Pronouns
- They/Them
1) Akane is a dear and the best.
2) Yuno is awesome and deserves all the unrestrained, unconditional familial love.
3) Asuma probably has a mild addiction to willow bark tea because of us
4) Akane is a a dear and the best.
We should totally adopt the one LGBTQ sealmaster and ask him to do it.
2) Yuno is awesome and deserves all the unrestrained, unconditional familial love.
3) Asuma probably has a mild addiction to willow bark tea because of us
4) Akane is a a dear and the best.
We should totally adopt the one LGBTQ sealmaster and ask him to do it.
- Location
- UK
- Pronouns
- He/Him
Added, thanks.
- Location
- Under a Rock
Right, I don't expect this to gain any traction, but I'm putting it up just to remind people.
[X] Hubris and Greed:
[X] Hubris and Greed:
- Preparations:
- Discuss with Gouketsu for approval and suggestions.
- Ask for Keiko's cooperation, be willing to reimburse the Nara and her personally for it.
- Ask summon clans to what extent they are comfortable working together on this operation
- Separate teams?
- Coordinate with the Tower to see where they want us to do this for maximum impact and political considerations.
- Hire a skilled medic nin or two to accompany us on an A-Rank mission
- Hire ninja(s) who know how to track, predict, manipulate, and harvest the beasts in the target area
- The rampage
- Goals
- The idea is to capture chakra beasts, drain them to death, and use the chakra for a positive sum loop.
- This is a trial run.
- Work out kinks
- Get an idea of how much chakra we can get, and how much land we can pacify.
- This run is not expected to be profitable.
- Methods
- Noburi sweeps rivers and lakes
- Non clone, non medic scout in teams
- Summons and clones engage
- Where possible, herd chakra beasts into places where Noburi can drain them without engaging.
- Have large reservoirs of sealed water for flooding nests and burrows
- Goals
- The spoils:
- Anything we kill gets harvested and doled between the participants (including summons)
- If we start getting more chakra than we can hold, use it to build MEW walls for nearby settlements
Tua
鸡肉面条汤
- Location
- شوربة الدجاج المعكرونة
Gotta admit, I wanted to read the update tomorrow in a more leisurely manner, but that's hard to do when the chapter comes with a disclaimer. 
So might as well go for a reaction style post.
I can see why some people won't be happy with it, but it does make a lot of sense that the Hokage would behave this way.
Good. Also very pragmatic, which is a nice trait to have in a leader.
Hol' up.
There has got to be a reason he mentioned sheep of all things. If there were more easily accessable and safer options, he would have mentioned those.
But he didn't. Meaning the risk to reward ratio of dealing with the spines is worth it for someone or another.
Did I read into this too much? Probably.
Good to know he still hasn't given up on us, and that he can see the Good we are doing.
I wanted to say that we didn't say anything of the sort but considering it was our party and our guests said this, we are responsible for this nonetheless.
PS: Stupid ANBU. Next time we should just hand deliver an invitation to a masked ANBU (because I wouldn't be surprised if we had even invited an unmasked ANBU by accident already), so we can stop pretending we aren't being monitored all the time anyway.
This... this isn't great. His point is valid but damn, I was really looking forward to returning to one of our Disc 1 locations now that we have a bigger party, more XP and better gear.
Smart, I would have done the same had I thought of it.
...I would not have done the same had I thought of it.
Yes!
That's kinda sad.
Unlike us, Akane actually does seem the type to need social contact. Not everyone has their own hive mind talking to him constantly or the drive to not think about anything but our next milestones.
Clearly a male fantasy. So I am guessing it's Jiraiya's work?
Yup.
Not to be too cynical but... maybe it's precisely because of the survival rates? No need to grief if you are going to die soon and I am sure someone did a cost-benefit analysis to figure out whether being demoralized or missing out on those extra hours of training was going to keep you alive longer or not.
100% agree.
It has become increasingly harder to even pass plans that don't advance any sort of longterm goal or fight some fires here and there.
We rarely just hang out with people and talk. Pity, honestly.
Case in point. All these plans are now part of Hazou's characterization. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah.
That's because Akane is best girl.
Is that the first time Akane mentioned her naming scene of her clones on-screen? Or did I forget about it already?
More like "You really are best girl, Akane. Look at you fixing relationship problems easily as if you were the successor of canon Naruto's Theray no Jutsu."
Petty.
But it didn't work out for you, did it?
Yup, totally did not work.
We won.
Definitely won.
Gotta admit, I was wondering if you were rolling for these things at first but the prep is even better.
Yay, friendly NPC agency.
Is it... can it be?!
Another person inducted into the Ancient Goketsu Family Technique And The Bane Of Female Mist Jounin Everywhere?
Are we branching out and including male Leaf ninja now?
I am not sure I am ready for this yet.
Aww.
Close enough, I guess? Less drowning but that'd be hard with remote delivery, I suppose.
I shall allow it. Just this once.
I think Noburi tried, once. You just didn't notice.
Interesting.
Yes, Hazou. I have seen my fair share of (terrible) Naruto fic in my day, all with... creative uses of Shadow Clones.
Someone wanna draw up a relationship chart for this?
If only her first choice had been to push Ami down a well to reduce the chaos generated.
Alas, a man can only dream. And the well probably would have somehow become a recurring villain haunted by Ami's ghost for one reason or another anyway.
We should bring this up to the Hokage.
It'd be hilarious to see his reaction when Hazou throws an adoption ticket at him and tells him it's for a Shadow Clone.
You know, just to see him not be disappointed at us for once, if only for the novelty of it.
...Wait a minute.
Look, I know he probably doesn't mean it quite that literally but I can't help that one part of my brain is just yelling "Uchiha! Uchiha! Clan Purity! They must have started small so that quite clearly must have happened!" while the other part is trying to smother it.
It's always nice to see Noburi make good use of his CHA stat, isn't it?
So might as well go for a reaction style post.
I can see why some people won't be happy with it, but it does make a lot of sense that the Hokage would behave this way.
Good. Also very pragmatic, which is a nice trait to have in a leader.
Hol' up.
There has got to be a reason he mentioned sheep of all things. If there were more easily accessable and safer options, he would have mentioned those.
But he didn't. Meaning the risk to reward ratio of dealing with the spines is worth it for someone or another.
Did I read into this too much? Probably.
Good to know he still hasn't given up on us, and that he can see the Good we are doing.
I wanted to say that we didn't say anything of the sort but considering it was our party and our guests said this, we are responsible for this nonetheless.
PS: Stupid ANBU. Next time we should just hand deliver an invitation to a masked ANBU (because I wouldn't be surprised if we had even invited an unmasked ANBU by accident already), so we can stop pretending we aren't being monitored all the time anyway.
This... this isn't great. His point is valid but damn, I was really looking forward to returning to one of our Disc 1 locations now that we have a bigger party, more XP and better gear.
Smart, I would have done the same had I thought of it.
...I would not have done the same had I thought of it.
Yes!
That's kinda sad.
Unlike us, Akane actually does seem the type to need social contact. Not everyone has their own hive mind talking to him constantly or the drive to not think about anything but our next milestones.
Clearly a male fantasy. So I am guessing it's Jiraiya's work?
Yup.
Not to be too cynical but... maybe it's precisely because of the survival rates? No need to grief if you are going to die soon and I am sure someone did a cost-benefit analysis to figure out whether being demoralized or missing out on those extra hours of training was going to keep you alive longer or not.
100% agree.
It has become increasingly harder to even pass plans that don't advance any sort of longterm goal or fight some fires here and there.
We rarely just hang out with people and talk. Pity, honestly.
Case in point. All these plans are now part of Hazou's characterization. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah.
That's because Akane is best girl.
Is that the first time Akane mentioned her naming scene of her clones on-screen? Or did I forget about it already?
More like "You really are best girl, Akane. Look at you fixing relationship problems easily as if you were the successor of canon Naruto's Theray no Jutsu."
Petty.
But it didn't work out for you, did it?
Yup, totally did not work.
We won.
Definitely won.
Gotta admit, I was wondering if you were rolling for these things at first but the prep is even better.
Yay, friendly NPC agency.
Is it... can it be?!
Another person inducted into the Ancient Goketsu Family Technique And The Bane Of Female Mist Jounin Everywhere?
Are we branching out and including male Leaf ninja now?
I am not sure I am ready for this yet.
Aww.
Close enough, I guess? Less drowning but that'd be hard with remote delivery, I suppose.
I shall allow it. Just this once.
I think Noburi tried, once. You just didn't notice.
Interesting.
Yes, Hazou. I have seen my fair share of (terrible) Naruto fic in my day, all with... creative uses of Shadow Clones.
Someone wanna draw up a relationship chart for this?
If only her first choice had been to push Ami down a well to reduce the chaos generated.
Alas, a man can only dream. And the well probably would have somehow become a recurring villain haunted by Ami's ghost for one reason or another anyway.
We should bring this up to the Hokage.
It'd be hilarious to see his reaction when Hazou throws an adoption ticket at him and tells him it's for a Shadow Clone.
You know, just to see him not be disappointed at us for once, if only for the novelty of it.
...Wait a minute.
Look, I know he probably doesn't mean it quite that literally but I can't help that one part of my brain is just yelling "Uchiha! Uchiha! Clan Purity! They must have started small so that quite clearly must have happened!" while the other part is trying to smother it.
It's always nice to see Noburi make good use of his CHA stat, isn't it?
- Location
- The Maple Syrup Mountains
Can we do necromancy talks this cycle?
A valuable early step in the necromancy project, regardless of whether we do it by convincing Orochimaru to help or by waiting for Hazou to get S-rank, is gaining the support of our peers, so that a) we can use any insights/knowledge/abilities they're willing to share to speed things up, and b) when we're finally ready to do it, Konoha will be ready for the return of its heroes.
I don't think I can overstate the potential utility to our project of, say, cross-referencing our understanding of souls and the afterlife with the Yamanaka and the Uchiha, or in having more people ready to help arrange a favourable situation for Hazou to go talk with Orochimaru about resurrecting Jiraiya.
Apparently Leaf is not very deathist as a culture, so we shouldn't need to spend much time defending that it would be good to do, and we don't need to ask for any commitments before we have a solid game plan. Rather, the goal would be to inform them of our eventual goals and why we think it's not a fool's errand, which should at minimum leave them in the loop for when we have a game plan, and in favourable situations earn us an active ally in the necromantic cause.
Personally I recommend talking about it with Ino over lunch, and then working out from there.
A valuable early step in the necromancy project, regardless of whether we do it by convincing Orochimaru to help or by waiting for Hazou to get S-rank, is gaining the support of our peers, so that a) we can use any insights/knowledge/abilities they're willing to share to speed things up, and b) when we're finally ready to do it, Konoha will be ready for the return of its heroes.
I don't think I can overstate the potential utility to our project of, say, cross-referencing our understanding of souls and the afterlife with the Yamanaka and the Uchiha, or in having more people ready to help arrange a favourable situation for Hazou to go talk with Orochimaru about resurrecting Jiraiya.
Apparently Leaf is not very deathist as a culture, so we shouldn't need to spend much time defending that it would be good to do, and we don't need to ask for any commitments before we have a solid game plan. Rather, the goal would be to inform them of our eventual goals and why we think it's not a fool's errand, which should at minimum leave them in the loop for when we have a game plan, and in favourable situations earn us an active ally in the necromantic cause.
Personally I recommend talking about it with Ino over lunch, and then working out from there.
- Location
- UK
- Pronouns
- He/Him
Reaction posts are the best. It's a shame that there've been fewer of them ever since Discord became the primary site for MfD discussion.
We should probably make some more presents for Asuma. We want to stay too valuable to kick out, after all.
Tua
鸡肉面条汤
- Location
- شوربة الدجاج المعكرونة
And more's the pity.
I don't use Discord much, so I already had the feeling I was missing out on a lot of planning but it makes sense that it didn't just stop at that part, I suppose.
- Location
- Italy
As long as it has "propose reactive armor to kagome"(That can be done off-screen) i'm going to vote for a necromancy talk plan.
Do we have any update on the Skyslider research?
- Location
- NY
The mention of the two crippled chunin feeling like they're charity cases liable to be kicked out at any moment comes to mind. Can we put them to work doing low-rank till n' fills on the clan bill so they feel like they're earning their keep and can build back up some self confidence?
- Location
- USA
- Pronouns
- He/Him
Woot!
All the this. Speaking as an author, getting detailed reaction posts is very rewarding. And, as @Velorien said, I'm a little sad that the discussion is happening over there and leaving no record here.