Marked for Death: A Rational Naruto Quest
- Thread starter eaglejarl
- Start date
-
- Tags
- naruto rationalist romance armageddon is looking better and better damn you kishimoto explosions everywhere explosives solve everyone if in doubt surrender to the mercy of zabuza it seemed like a good idea at the time looks like a really bad case of being a jōnin my god. where does the lore end? precommitting is the winning plan screaming in kagome screw the rules i have explosives something bad might still happen sometimes you gotta sociopath stabby zabby subsection c of paragraph 9 should include we can weaponize this so hard open voting
"I thought this universe was headed towards a Big Bounce?"
"Some uppity apes decided to screw with the cosmological constant."
"Prepare countermeasures."
Annex Nagi island and invent archeology.
Random thought. I wonder if there are chakra beasts out there that don't prey on humans, or at least don't specifically prey on humans. Something like Kagome's cat(?), maybe.
Usually places near population centers are kept clear of chakra beasts through extermination missions. Naturally, chakra beasts will then migrate back in to fill the missing niches in the ecosystem that creates, which is why extermination missions have to be done every so often, rather than a one-and-done kind of thing. If there were chakra beasts that were more or less harmless to humans though, letting them run around to prey on other chakra beasts and eat up the food that dangerous chakra beasts require, that could mean that extermination missions don't have to be called in quite as often.
Unfortunately, the most obvious way to get harmless chakra beasts involves Orochimaru.
Literally describing cat autodomestication. Talk to the Inuzaka.
- Location
- Europe
We can just try to capture and tame some Sky squids, maybe we can ask our new Condor summoner friend for help.
And we have to talk to Orochimaru about the trade network anyway, maybe he is interested if can get him some living ones.
Noburi Mist/cloud drain is pretty OP for capturing stuff.
- Location
- USA
- Pronouns
- He/Him
Pet peeve, activate!
I would like to be sure that people actually read the referenced post and don't take the wrong lesson here: Reducing taxes from ~100% to 70%, as mentioned in the post, leads to extra productivity and economic growth will likely pay for the cut. That's because you're moving from right to left on the front side of the Laffer Curve. Once you get to the peak, further cuts do not help. Said more simply, tax cuts stop being useful after a certain point.
Dissonance
Luna's Luna
- Location
- Ginnungagap.
- Pronouns
- S/H/T
We shared this in #mfd and someone mentioned it might be appreciated thread-ward!
Song about pangolins, how they're cool, how they're unfortunately hunted.
Song about pangolins, how they're cool, how they're unfortunately hunted.
Seventh path peace through chakra beast eradication!
- Location
- Book Fort
- Pronouns
- They/Them
I wonder how the Summoning Clans would deal with such a threat? Would they unite against an outside enemy, or would they throw other clans under the bus for their own survival? Ordinarily, I'd say the first. But, given what we've seen, I think that the second is much more likely.
- Location
- The Void
- Pronouns
- She/Her
These are all nice ideas of things that we might do but they don't have the flavor of crazy interesting. All of these things are reasonable things that if any of we or our peers did no one would really bat an idea. I'm talking about the crazy over the top things that legends can be based upon. Stuff on the level of infiltrating another village and creating a political faction that gets a seat on the governing body. Or taking over the entire countries economy. Think things on Ami/Mari level
- Location
- Book Fort
- Pronouns
- They/Them
What about recreating a spy network for Leaf using Goketsu trade networks (citrus trade, chocolate, Jiraiya's novels, eventual glassware, etc).
- Location
- The Void
- Pronouns
- She/Her
That's on the low end of what I'm looking for but totally acceptable
Chapter 367: Fixing Stupid
- Location
- USA
- Pronouns
- He/Him
Hazō considered Minami's words carefully. Emotions flickered past—annoyance at people's stupid unwillingness to cooperate, sympathy for the harsh treatment of the Minami, irritation with the Hyūga's blood-purist arrogance that complicated everything, more annoyance at people's stupid unwillingness to cooperate. He forced himself to set all of that aside.
"Let's be clear," he said at last, "the Hyūga are no friends of the Gōketsu. We believe in the Will of Fire and have done everything we can to model it—more than many clans, in my opinion. Despite that, Hyūga Hiashi still considered us traitors. Moreover, he schemed to take power from Jiraiya, including using back-alley deals and political tricks to take the Hokage's hat.
"Despite all of Hyūga's arrogance and obstructionism, Jiraiya never seriously moved against him. Not in his role as Hokage and not via his own personal strength either. He could have killed Hyūga anytime he felt like it"—a smile flickered across his face as he remembered that fraught conversation the night the clan was formed—"but he didn't. That would have been against the Will of Fire. Yes, he colluded with your clan to use economic leverage against theirs, but as I understand it that's simply how the game is played. Jiraiya showed restraint when he didn't have to. Why? Because Jiraiya cared deeply about the greater good of Leaf, and he recognized that such actions, when Leaf was already reeling from its losses, would be catastrophic for our survival."
He paused, locking eyes with Minami and projecting as much seriousness as he could. "I intend to follow in Jiraiya's footsteps." The Iron Nerve flickered an impish grin across his face. "Well, actually I intend to get out in front of his footsteps and blaze new trails of legend and glory. For now, however, I intend to follow. I will work for Leaf, not just for the Gōketsu. Part of that means following what I think Jiraiya would have done had he had more time. Once Leaf was safe, he would have acted. Acted to protect the Minami, to put an end to the arrogance of the Hyūga and guide them out of being an arrogant pack of asshole nobles who consider themselves above our city and into being more an actual part of it. He would have tried to convince them that they should work whole-heartedly to Leaf's betterment. The most important part of that would have been finding the right time to strike.
"That's what I intend to do. Continue to model the Will of Fire, continue to work for the success of Leaf and a future where all its citizens are united and happy...and also work to create the proper moment to strike down an enemy who believes us to be a non-threat."
"'Enemy'? 'Strike down'?" Minami said, raising an eyebrow. "Strong words for someone who talks about modeling the Will of Fire more than anyone else, and also invites their so-called enemy's Clan Head to play board games."
Hazō shrugged. "I don't see Hinata as my enemy. I see the Hyūga arrogance and focus on their own purity and superiority as the enemy. They need to be disabused of those ideas."
She snorted. "I wish you the best with that. I'd sooner ask a pig not to eat truffles. It's easier to train pigs."
"I think it's possible. Hinata is too young and has too many close friends in our age group to have fully absorbed her family's attitude. Most—all? I'm not sure—anyway, at least some of the Hyūga elders were killed in the Collapse, meaning that they won't be whispering hatred and isolation in her ears. If we, the Minami and the Gōketsu and the rest of Leaf, offer her better alternatives then I think she'll take them."
"She's a Hyūga," Minami said flatly. "She absorbed their vile nature with her mother's milk. She isn't going to change her attitude and a leopard isn't going to eat salad."
"Humor me for a moment. Let's assume, hypothetically, that the Gōketsu were going to strike at the Hyūga. There are three ways we could do it.
"There's my uncle's way: Explosives, death, destruction. Burn everything to the ground. That's a great choice out in the wild but a terrible choice here in Leaf. I'm confident that we could destroy the Hyūga if we wanted to...the Gōketsu have three Summoners, two sealmasters, more explosives than we know what to do with, and some remarkably thorough experience with destruction. We could do it, but it would be a terrible idea. The Hyūga aren't as strong as they think they are—not even the Sage could be that strong—but they are strong. The Gōketsu and our allies would be massively weakened, perhaps even eliminated. Even if we weren't, the battle would shatter Leaf. One clan actually attacking another? It would be against everything the nation stands for. No, that's not an option unless we get pushed to the absolute limit.
"There's Mari's way: Smile and nod and work from the shadows without ever being seen. Take over the Hyūga's sources of revenue, Seventh Path and Human Path alike, turn their allies against them with blackmail or whispers of treason. Steal their secrets. Cause 'accidental' fires that destroy their properties. Drug their food and water to make them sick and debilitated. Leave them destitute and homeless, begging for protection from anyone who will provide it." He caught her amused expression and smiled grimly. "You laugh. Don't. Mari is very good at what she does and, as you mentioned, we have Jiraiya's legacy of seals." He left that one carefully non-specific. There was nothing he knew of in Jiraiya's collection that would be specifically useful for the sort of things he was describing, but the sheer vagueness of it would leave Minami's imagination plenty of room.
"Back in Mist, the Mori did that to the Kobayakawa. It's effective, and would not harm Leaf as badly as Kagome-sensei's path...still, the Hyūga are ninja of Leaf and so it would still harm Leaf to a degree. That's the last thing I want. I want to uplift Leaf and the Land of Fire, not tear them down.
"Finally, there's my way: Turn Neji. Turn Hinata. Surround Neji with teammates and partners that he must work with and who can make him see our point of view. Forge political bonds and trade deals with Hinata so that her clan's interests become entangled with those of the Gōketsu and she has to listen to us and cede ground to us. If I can get her to make one concession one time I can leverage that into her making more concessions. I can show her that the outcome of those concessions was better because we did it the Gōketsu collaborative way instead of the Hyūga isolationist way. And I give her a chance to learn that lesson again. And again. And again. She's a smart woman. She will eventually come to see things my way, to choose the path that I would choose because she agrees that it's better.
"There's a saying in Mist: 'The most thorough destruction of your foe is to make him your friend.' The goal is to make them not-Hyuga, make them into something new that retains what makes them strong but cuts out the cruelty and arrogance." He shrugged and spread his hands. "To be honest, the Gōketsu are already working on it. We're trying to prevent those antiquated, xenophobic views from spreading to the new generation. One avenue we're using is Keiko's relationship with Lady Hanabi. I don't entirely understand that relationship and I freely admit that what I do understand worries me, but Keiko believes in my Way and I think she'll pass those views on to Hanabi."
"You intend to transform the fundamental character of an entire clan...by manipulating a child?"
Hazō chuckled. "Not just that, but it's a start. Hanabi and Hinata are close. Keiko's words are going to end up in Hinata's ears, but they'll be coming from a trusted source, a Hyūga source. Likewise, Neji. He and Noburi bicker like an old married couple and, honestly, I think they both like it. If Neji didn't like it, why does he keep showing up to games night?"
"Perhaps because his Clan Head orders it? It's an easy way for her to maintain political connections with a new clan that everyone is still uncertain about, while not visibly tying herself to you."
"She comes to the games nights as well." He hesitated for a moment but then his sense of honesty forced him to add, "Sometimes. Not every time. Still, she does come."
"When she comes, does she spend most of her time in conversation with her peers, the other teenage Clan Heads?"
Hazō frowned, flicking back through his memories of the last few months. "I guess? That's not surprising. She grew up with them, they're all her friends. And we're all there to spend time together over the gaming table...."
"So. She sometimes but not always comes to a social event where she is not required to do anything political with you and at this event she spends much of her time socializing with her friends and peers. Thereby demonstrating how reasonable she is, how willingly she will work with the new clan, and maintaining close ties to the other Clan Heads without committing herself to anything."
"No, that's not— I mean, she...look, it's intended as a social event, not a political one."
"Everything is politics for Clan Heads, especially those who sit on the Council. Every word, every gesture, every work of art on the wall, every invitation given or taken. It all frames you for the rest of Leaf and sets their expectations of you. It worries me that you don't know this."
Hazō started to respond hotly, then forced himself to stop and take a breath. Inhale calm and peace, exhale stress and panic, said the long-gone voice of Mari-sensei. He went through the cycle twice, then focused on relaxing the muscles in his cheeks and shoulders.
"Clumsy," Minami noted, her voice clinical. "It's good that you can manage your anger but you need to be less obvious about it. A good strategy is to pause for a sip of tea while you do that. It covers your face and if you drink the right tea the scent will help with relaxation."
"Thank you. I wasn't angry so much as...frustrated, I guess is the word." He paused, taking a sip of his long-since-cooled tea to give himself a moment to think. Minami gave an amused smile at his immediate adoption of her advice.
"The key point is this: I want Leaf to prosper. I want the Land of Fire to prosper. The only way to do that is for its people to cooperate. That is why Leaf is so powerful: We cooperate better than the other villages. Indeed, they only exist because we started cooperating and they had to follow us or be destroyed."
"With respect, Lord Gōketsu...'we'?" She quirked her lips in amusement, the words balancing between friendly teasing and actual mockery.
"Yes. We. I am Gōketsu Hazō, adopted son of Jiraiya of the Three, Fifth Hokage. I co-invented the skywalkers that were essential to the defeat of Akatsuki. I sheltered hundreds of Leaf's people and dozens of her ninja after the Collapse. I have every right to claim Leaf as my home and myself as one of its people." He met her eyes as he spoke, and his own were cold.
She raised a hand in mute apology. "Fair. Apologies."
He nodded acknowledgement. "Regardless. The secret of Leaf's success is that her people cooperate. The problem, in my opinion, is that we don't do it enough. Everyone hoarded their knowledge until Asuma's contest, but once he got us to share we all became stronger. The Great Clans have their walled compounds where they stay isolated from the people; I have to think that it makes them feel isolated, feel like they are less a part of the city and more temporary visitors."
"With respect, I'll note that your estate is literally isolated from the entire city by virtue of being outside it."
He chuckled. "Not by my preference. We had an estate inside the walls but Orochimaru returned and yanked it out from under us. We had to find a new place within a few days and there wasn't a lot of empty land to choose from. This place was the best we could do." He looked around the room, imagining that his eyes could pierce the walls and the city blocks beyond to see the expanse of the Gōketsu land. "I like to think we've done well with it. Regardless, we encourage our people to visit the city and we regularly have people from the city visit us. We're doing our best to balance safety—which means walls—with a sense of identity as Leaf citizens.
"We're getting a bit far afield. My point was that the people of Leaf are strong in exactly the same degree that we work together. The Hyūga are, frankly, a problem. Their arrogance and isolation makes it hard to work with them and drives wedges through Leaf as a whole. I'm not going to attack them, I'm not going to try to undermine their livelihood, but I am going to do what I can to change their culture. Part of that means that I need to get connections with them that can be used as leverage, and as pathways for my ideas to reach them."
"Which brings us back to the trade network."
"Which brings us back to the trade network. I wish I had been more aware of the Minami/Hyūga split. I knew about it in a general sense, but I wasn't familiar enough that it was at the forefront of my mind, and I apologize for that. If it had been, maybe I could have done things differently. As it stands I approached Neji first because I knew him better, and he agreed to participate. I'm not comfortable uninviting him, both because I don't think it would be honorable and because it would give them an insult that would make it harder for me to reshape their culture into something a little less...." He paused, grappling for the right words, and finally shrugged. "If I'm being honest, a little less stupid. Nara Shikaku once told Hyūga Hiashi that the Hyūga arrogance had cost them about ten percent of the income they could have earned over the last decade. He offered to help them fix that problem; I don't know if Lord Hyūga ever took him up on it before Lord Nara died fighting beside Jiraiya.
"In any case. Neji is going to be one of the Summoners in our network, at least for the foreseeable future. If he causes too many problems or interferes with trade too much then maybe we uninvite him, but for now he's going to be there. I would like it very much if you would participate as well. I'm willing to do whatever I can to make it work—the two of you would never have to speak to each other or even be in the same room. You don't have to allow trade directly from the Porcupine to the Turtles if you don't want, although that's up to you and Yamaraja.
"As the Minami Clan's Summoner, you are a keystone—perhaps the keystone—to making the Hyuga realize how stupid they're being and exactly how much they're giving up by clinging to this attitude. I'm not saying that I can't fix their problem without your help, but it would be a lot easier if you were there. The Minami are probably the Hyūga's single biggest mistake." He shook his head, lips pursed in frustration. "Can you imagine how much stronger they would have been if they had honored Sōdai instead of throwing a tantrum because your ancestors didn't match some set-in-stone idea of what perfection looked like? Idiots! Why—" He cut himself off. "Sorry. I have no right to lose my temper when you manage to keep yours."
"I've had rather a lot more practice."
Hazō laughed. "I suppose. Anyway, going back to my earlier thought: The Hyūga are broken, and I want to fix them. I think there's a good chance of doing that, since Hinata is in charge, there are few if any elders putting stupid and poisonous ideas in her head, and the Gōketsu have several ways to help her see that better behavior has better outcomes. I understand you have grievances with them—very justified grievances!—but I'm hoping that you agree with me that helping the Hyūga get over themselves is a better way to avenge those grievances than constantly being at knifepoint with them. Better for you, better for Leaf, and more according to the Will of Fire. If you're willing and able to do that, it would be wonderful. If you believe that it wouldn't be safe because you can't trust the Hyūga, or whatever other reason might exist, I'll understand. The Gōketsu will still work to fix the problem, and if you ever change your mind and want to join us then you'll be more than welcome."
He stood up. "You don't have to answer now, but think about it. There's no hurry. Take a few days, or even weeks, that's totally fine. I may have to travel for a few days sometime in the next couple weeks, but aside from that I'll be available to you. In the meantime, I hope you'll come to the next games night. Hinata and Neji will be invited but even if they come, you don't have to interact with them at all. It will give you a chance to see what I mean about cooperation and being able to model better behavior for them."
Minami pursed her lips for a moment. "I'll consider it."
"Excellent. We haven't chosen a date, but I'll be sure you get an invite. Now, if you'll excuse me, I should head home."
"Of course." She rose and escorted him out.
FP AWARD: +2 (general refresh)
XP AWARD: 2
Brevity XP: 0 (406 words)
"GM had fun" XP: 1
It is now about 8pm.
Vote time! What to do now?
Voting ends on Wednesday, August 26, 2020, at 12pm London time.
Last edited:
- Location
- The Void
- Pronouns
- She/Her
We fucking crushed it
- Location
- Yes.
I'm confused, I thought this was in the Minami Clan Compound?
Cariyaga
Handsome Gentleperson
- Location
- United States
That was an excellent chapter and an amazing plan, @eaglejarl @Oneiros.
- Location
- The Void
- Pronouns
- She/Her
Over half the credit for the plan goes to my man @faflec
- Location
- NY
Nitpick, didn't Shikaku die with J-man?
Pretty sure we were in a Restaurant/Cafe/bar.
EDIT: you're right.
Last edited:
- Location
- Yes.
That was for the KEI-nin.
Have you not heard of the famous Minami Clan Compound Buffet and Grill? I'm pretty sure it's been mentioned before.