Marked for Death: A Rational Naruto Quest
- Thread starter eaglejarl
- Start date
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- Tags
- naruto rationalist romance armageddon is looking better and better damn you kishimoto explosions everywhere explosives solve everyone if in doubt surrender to the mercy of zabuza it seemed like a good idea at the time looks like a really bad case of being a jōnin my god. where does the lore end? precommitting is the winning plan screaming in kagome screw the rules i have explosives something bad might still happen sometimes you gotta sociopath stabby zabby subsection c of paragraph 9 should include we can weaponize this so hard open voting
- Location
- The state of Paranoia
She heard that we almost passed a romcom plan, and she wanted in.
It's like playing Russian roulette with our tastebuds...
[jk] Action Plan: Grow Your Hair Out
Emstar
The Shining One
- Location
- Trapped in an extradimensional rift.
- Pronouns
- She/They
The unfortunate thing is that that plan would've given us the appearance of doing some inane Romcom stuff with the almost-immediate result at some point during the night being Ami's arrival.
Man, I don't know what the mid-term reactions from Keiko and Shikamaru would be, but the probable immediate ones would certainly be humorous to see on screen.
Cariyaga
Handsome Gentleperson
- Location
- United States
We can still do it!
- Location
- The state of Paranoia
[X] Action Plan: Operation Tele(Micro)scope
This is the kind of thing that a merchant spy network would be really good for. Unfortunately, I don't think we really set up enough trading partners to use that way. The Wakahisa might work, but that would let them know how important telescopes are to us (plus they may just refuse if they think that telescopes might be a strategic resource). On the other hand, even Jiraiya and Mari didn't realize how useful telescopes could be when the telescope merchant tried to sell to them.
Let's try to narrow it down a bit. Where would a telescope merchant be? Probably in a place where people can afford to buy telescopes. There's no point in hanging out in a town of farmers, since they wouldn't be able to afford one anyway. That leaves ninja villages and possibly large cities.
So we should probably focus on getting contacts in large cities like Tanzaku Gai and ninja villages, and we should focus on rich merchants and nobles who a telescope merchant would likely go to to try and get a sale. It would be ideal to also make contacts among powerful ninja clans (like the Wakahisa), but I'm slightly worried about what they could figure out if we ask them for information on telescope merchants.
@Kiba here's a plan section to add if you want. It includes ninja villages/clans, but that can be easily taken out if you think it's a bad idea:
This is the kind of thing that a merchant spy network would be really good for. Unfortunately, I don't think we really set up enough trading partners to use that way. The Wakahisa might work, but that would let them know how important telescopes are to us (plus they may just refuse if they think that telescopes might be a strategic resource). On the other hand, even Jiraiya and Mari didn't realize how useful telescopes could be when the telescope merchant tried to sell to them.
Let's try to narrow it down a bit. Where would a telescope merchant be? Probably in a place where people can afford to buy telescopes. There's no point in hanging out in a town of farmers, since they wouldn't be able to afford one anyway. That leaves ninja villages and possibly large cities.
So we should probably focus on getting contacts in large cities like Tanzaku Gai and ninja villages, and we should focus on rich merchants and nobles who a telescope merchant would likely go to to try and get a sale. It would be ideal to also make contacts among powerful ninja clans (like the Wakahisa), but I'm slightly worried about what they could figure out if we ask them for information on telescope merchants.
@Kiba here's a plan section to add if you want. It includes ninja villages/clans, but that can be easily taken out if you think it's a bad idea:
- Get contacts in major cities and ninja villages
- Wealthy merchants
- Nobles
- Ninja clans (Wakahisa?)
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- Location
- USA
- Pronouns
- He/They
Out of curiosity, I'm not super familiar with how spelling/meaning is conveyed in Japanese; would "Written as 'Kei'; read as 'Respect'!" be the verbatim words used (like the word for written, the word for "as", then the letters kei, then the word for read, etc etc) or is there like a single word that encompasses the entire concept (ie in English we might say "magnolia, like the flower" or something similar)?
I know that got most things they usually wouldn't use kanji, but I don't know how things like katakana and hiragana are talked about, so this might literally just be fundamental Japanese 101 that I've never learned.
I know that got most things they usually wouldn't use kanji, but I don't know how things like katakana and hiragana are talked about, so this might literally just be fundamental Japanese 101 that I've never learned.
- Location
- The Void
- Pronouns
- She/Her
So Kei's birthday is coming up. We should probably start work on that right now since we are super heavily booked with summoning training. My idea is to commission a play with a Kei expy. Kinda like Jun from Jiriaya's books. But would love to hear more ideas
- Location
- USA
- Pronouns
- He/They
We really need to decide whether and who from the Kei clan we can/should invite, since that will inevitably be a very strong political statement either way. Given that, it should definitely be intentional.
- Location
- Book Fort
- Pronouns
- They/Them
You know, it started as a joke, but long hair could very well be a sign of power in the MfD universe. A sign of "fuck you, I'm so powerful I can allow myself this tactical weakness" that might be mistaken for arrogance. I'm actually down for letting Hazou's hair grow out... once we get over the damaging/nerf-ing Aspects that're affecting us right now.
- Location
- USA
- Pronouns
- He/Him
Speaking of which...
Hazō's current Severe Consequence, "The Thinness of Reality", was obtained back in Chapter 286, which came out on real-world September 15, 2019. It will expire around 2 in-game weeks from the end of the latest chapter. My original plan was to timeskip over the summoner training in the next chapter, in which case the Consequence would have lasted just over 9 months of real time. Given the things y'all are planning and that Keiko's birthday is coming up it seems unlikely that I'll be able to do that big a timeskip. Still, I was impressed at how long it's been hanging around.
- Location
- Yes.
For some reason I want to start a manga with Keiko as the protagonist.
- Location
- The Void
- Pronouns
- She/Her
YES. This is a much better idea
Unaligned Player
Agony that desires to meet Extinction
- Location
- Adrift between sanity and madness
- Pronouns
- Shrug
She'd be as frustrating and entertaining to watch as anyone else on this damned team.
- Location
- United States of America
Well, I can't comment on the weird use of English and Japanese in the Narutoverse, but in this case it sounds like a typical way of stating which kanji to use and which reading to use for it, albeit with a neat rhetorical twist.
The sound "kei" is used for many different kanji, so without context clues or seeing the word written out it's hard to know which character and therefore meaning the speaker is using. For example, the name "Keiko" could mean "blessed child", "respectful child", etc. but if you say "Keiko, as is in megumi (blessing 恵み) " or "Keiko, as in sonkei (respect 尊敬)" the listener will know exactly which kanji to write and by extension, the meaning.
Similarly, most kanji have multiple readings (sounds) that can be used, so seeing just the character/s won't tell you how to pronounce them without context clues or familiarity. This situation comes up a fair amount with names, so it's not uncommon for someone to specify the reading. For example, if you read 新垣 (a common Okinawan family name) on someone's nametag, you might try and get their attention by calling "Mr. Shingaki! Can I have a moment?", only for him to say "It's actually read Arakaki, but, sure, what is it?"
So in this case, by both specifying the writing and the reading of the new Clan name in such a dramatic way, the Kei clan founders are stating in no uncertain terms, "This is who we are and what we stand for. Make no mistake!"
It's really cool writing.
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- Location
- Liverpool
That makes sense, as I just made it up. As in Ami is quite mercurial in her moods and presentation, and the often go to extremes.
(In my head I was picturing a 4-D spinning and shaking icosahedron-esc shape, partially filled with Mercury. Each vertex correlates to a flavor, feeling, or value. Ami's mood is whatever value/expression is associated with the vertices that are submerged in the mercury at any given time, and what the vertices represent changes as well over time, because of course it does. This is not particularly fair to Ami, but that doesn't stop it from being a fun mental image the still predicts her behaviour about as well as me trying my best.)
Incorporated the idea. It's up to Mari to do the work, or assigning merchants to do the work for her.
Omake: DESTINY OF THE SHARINGAINS: BOWL-O-RAMA
- Pronouns
- He/Him
Omake: DESTINY OF THE SHARINGAINS: BOWL-O-RAMA
sorry if formatting is weird, written from my phone
Hazou and Sasuke sat across from one another within the Uchiha household once more, the walls reflecting that same bare chic Sasuke insisted on maintaining to spite Itachi, or maybe to avoid dredging up painful memories. Sasuke was dressed in a formal tunic bearing the crest of the Uchiha, his eyes dispassionate but not unfriendly. It was a gaze Hazou had become quite accustomed to these past few months, training with Sasuke.
Hazou had to admit that one thing was for sure, Sasuke's techniques were quite potent. In these 3 months, Hazou had gained nearly twenty pounds. He almost didn't recognize himself in the mirror anymore. Last week, Noburi had circled Hazou over and over, scratching his chin and nodding. "Not bad, Mr. Mew," he'd said, before asking for tips. Three days ago, Kagome sprinted at Hazou and started screaming about sealing failures stealing his body and what had he been researching to warp his form so badly and if they acted fast there was still time to save him. Akane had bumped into him two days prior by accident, her eyes widening as she prodded his abdomen, causing him to go beet red. She moved away at roughly 8% the speed of light, the sudden movement of air making Hazou stumble. And just yesterday, Mari had walked by his room while he was putting on a fresh shirt, muttering "dispel" before giving a disgruntled look of disbelief and wandering off to investigate who'd been lethally dosing Hazou with the Akimichi food pills.
What he wasn't sure about was why Sasuke had called him here today. Tuesday was their rest day, to recuperate sore muscles. They would ordinarily spend their training time for the day independently meditating, so there was no need to meet in person.
"I'm sure you're wondering why I called you here," Sasuke said.
"Well, yeah, that's a pretty easy guess, since you didn't say… well, anything in your letter," Hazo responded. He wasn't as concerned with being polite with Sasuke anymore now that they'd become better acquainted. Every now and then Sasuke even felt like an actual cousin.
Sasuke smirked. "Fair enough. My people have always had a flair for the dramatic, even among ninja. First order of business, consider your training finished."
Hazou's eyebrows went up, but Sasuke smiled and said, "You didn't fail my expectations or anything, Hazou. In fact, you've performed quite adequately. No, your training is complete because I have no further techniques with which to share with you. The rest of the Uchiha tradition and techniques will survive with the remnants of the clan, but all of my original techniques are now yours."
"You honor me," Hazou said, immediately feeling like a dork for both saying and meaning it. Seriously, was this one of Jiraiya's novels or something? Sasuke didn't seem to think anything of it, though.
In addition to the extensive bodybuilding knowledge Sasuke had accrued or invented, Hazou had also been given extensive Taijutsu training, more intensive even than dueling with Lee. Pitting the Iron Nerve against the Sharingan made their spars feel more like chess matches than battles, but losing a piece was far more punishing in this case, since Sasuke hit like a truck. As someone who understood exactly what recalling old techniques felt like, Sasuke was in a much better position to teach Hazou Taijutsu than most, and he learned at an accelerated rate. Hazou's mental library expanded greatly after Sasuke showed him more movements that could multitask, such as repositioning while attacking, or guarding while breaking down the opponent's defenses. Sasuke showed Hazou when to use them, since they could both afford to think multiple moves ahead without having to focus on their current movements. It was pretty refreshing to train with someone else who could truly understand how he fought.
Sasuke even shared Chidori with Hazou, though Hazou could not yet produce lightning element. The precise movement at critical speeds was still something Hazou could practice and memorize, however, so he should be able to use it without a Sharingan of his own, once he could properly utilize lightning release. When asked why he was sharing it, Sasuke shrugged and said it wasn't the Uchiha's to keep, without saying anything more. Hazou knew who had created it, and couldn't help but wonder if this was some way of Sasuke attempting to honor his old teacher. He wouldn't let that respect go to waste.
But now Sasuke was saying that he had nothing left to share with Hazou, something that made him surprisingly glum. He had actually come to enjoy training with Sasuke, and would hate to see it end. He did need to start his summoning training soon, but...
Sasuke continued speaking. "Yes, your training with me has ended. However, as it was an Uchiha training program, it requires an Uchiha celebration."
Hmm, what could that be? "Uh, is this something you've mentioned before?"
Sasuke clapped twice. "Yuko?"
A man in plain black robes stepped forward and bowed. "Yes, Lord?"
"Ready the harem!" Sasuke demanded.
"Uhhhhh," Hazo said intelligently.
Sasuke laughed and waved Yuko off. "I'm just messing with you, Hazou. Itachi killed the Uchiha harem."
"Um…"
"No, we shall celebrate with another Uchiha tradition, bowling!"
"Bowling? Surely that's the least interesting sport for someone with a Sharingan?" Hazou asked. He'd personally gotten bored of it the first time he got a strike. The Iron Nerve pretty much invalidated the sport for him. The Sharingan would be much the same, presumably.
"You've never bowled with an Uchiha," Sasuke said ominously.
Hazou shrugged. "True."
Sasuke smiled. "Why don't we make this more interesting? How about a little wager?"
"Before I even know what Uchiha bowling is like?"
"You didn't seem to think anything of it just a moment ago," Sasuke said offhandedly.
"Fine, if I win, I get your eyes," Hazou said sarcastically.
"Very well. The only proper wager to match my Sharingan would be your Iron Nerve, no? I suppose if I win, I'll rip out your nervous system."
They stared at each other for a moment, Sasuke's eyes flaring into the Sharingan.
"I was kidding, you know," Hazou said nervously, as Sasuke stared at him.
Sasuke broke out into a laugh. "You should've seen your face. Actually, here, I memorized it for you." Sasuke proceeded to perfectly recreate Hazou's growing horror with the Sharingan.
Hazou waved a disgruntled hand. "All right, all right, you got me. You wanted a wager, right? What did you want to bet?"
Sasuke cracked his knuckles and reclined casually and coolly. "I like you Hazou, I do, but I like the Uchiha more. Don't forget that." When Hazou nodded as if that was obvious, Sasuke said, "If I win, you will take an Uchiha bride." He left Hazou to explore the ramifications himself.
Sasuke ultimately wanted to restore the Uchiha as quickly as he could. A union between their clans would only be the beginning. No doubt even now Sasuke would be attempting to figure out how to turn the Goketsu into a vassal family of the Uchiha, for somewhat obvious reasons. Not to mention that the assets of the Goketsu would be most useful to Sasuke's goals. A political marriage didn't necessarily guarantee any of that but it was a connection Sasuke would surely exploit.
What reward could be worth risking ceding political ground to Sasuke? Hazou smiled broadly, a new, radiant confidence that came somewhat from the fruit of his training, but mostly from the sudden, unyielding conviction that Team Uplift would survive and succeed any challenge, no matter how steep, so long as they planned properly and brought plenty of explosives. Jiraiya had named their clan "Gutsy" for a reason. Sasuke didn't know what was coming for him.
"I see. Such a modest request from the Lord of the Uchiha." Hazou mimicked Sasuke, cracking his knuckles and reclining, managing an even cooler and calmer demeanor. "The Goketsu are in a bit of a pickle, Sasuke. We have resources, we have manpower, more than you might expect from a clan with half a dozen active ninja. What I've managed to bungle time and time again is our reputation. Success has been handed to me on a silver platter on more than one occasion, and yet I find myself irritating every S-ranker I've encountered, and many that I haven't."
Sasuke nodded understandingly. "I can see how they might feel that way. So, you want me to teach you how to be less annoying next?"
Hazou scratched his chin thoughtfully. "Hmm, that could be useful, but no. This is a challenge worthy of the Heir of the Uchiha. First, I need your help mending my relationship with Naruto. I should've realized only S-rankers get to, erm, 'negotiate' on even ground with the Hokage, and I'm a massive idiot for even thinking of punching out of my league."
Sasuke clasped his hands together in thought. "Yes, well, Naruto and I's relationship has always been...er, close." He cleared his throat. "I think I could manage that." He gave a wry smile. "I take it that's not all?"
"No. Next, I need an in with the Yamanaka and Akimichi. Not everyone reacted as positively to my… encounter with Itachi as you." Sasuke rolled his eyes but didn't interrupt. "Lord Nara still supports me privately, but even he cannot afford to be an outspoken ally. If I can get in with the closest allies to the Nara, the charade can end and the Goketsu regain some of their best human assets and information sources."
"I don't suppose Ino had anything to do with this consideration?" Sasuke asked neutrally.
"Maybe a bit," Hazou replied, his face controlled but his cheeks tinged red.
Sasuke shrugged. "I respect the hustle."
Hazou gratefully took the out. "Finally, I need the clan council as a whole to see the Uchiha hold no ill will towards the Goketsu. If I win, we get five free Uchiha votes of our own choosing."
Sasuke closed his eyes and smirked. "Three. Civvie-lover."
"Fine."
Sasuke stuck out a hand. "So… do we have a bet?"
Hazou's eyes widened. "Were you even listening? I make horrible decisions on my own! I'll consult my family over the terms, and get back to you in two days."
Sasuke said, "Good point. While you're at it, work out who your teammates will be."
Hazou stopped. "Teammates?"
"Yes. Traditionally, Uchiha bowling is played by teams of four. If you can't find teammates, I will find some for you." He smiled evilly.
"Ugh, you're twisted."
"I know. It's my greatest strength. Well, besides my actual strength, that is."
=~~=
The Goketsu inner circle sat around their common room, listening intently to Hazou recounting his latest conversation with Sasuke, the stakes at hand, and the ramifications of their wager.
Mari spoke first as Hazou finished his speaking. "This sounds like a trap."
Hazou opened his mouth to reply, but she smiled and immediately interrupted him. "Hazou, what is Mari teaching number 4?"
"Oftentimes the simplest way to disarm a trap is to trigger it," he replied automatically. Some days he wondered if she'd used Genjutsu to hardwire it into his brain.
"Exactly. Your plotting skills have come along quite nicely, Hazou. You noticed that Sasuke would be hoping to use that marriage to shift Goketsu resources to the Uchiha, but it goes deeper than you might think. Do you remember the last deal we tried to make with the Uchiha?"
Hazou shuddered at the memory. "W̯̮̻͑͆͛Ḙ͂ D͔͐O̖͆ ̝̺̞̤̫̂̄͐̏͞N͖̝̝̎̕͝O̼̕T̨̓ ̹̣̳̓͐́̈ͅS͉̮̠̫͊̎͊͑P̘̤̺̀̍͊Ḝ̿͢A̬̦̩͊̋̃K̢͚̲̖̟̒̄̒̑̑ ̨̱͓̂͊̑OF͍̪̣̀̾̔ ̦͠Ţ̢͆́Ḫ͛É̻͚̲͇͐̀̃ ̋͟F̥͔͍̦̎̏̚͠O͍͔͍̟͂̒̚͞R̢̍B͍̘̍͂͘͜I͎͎̘̊͆͋Ḋ̢̖͇̑̚D̡̼̫̅̾̒E̮͚̰̍̓͒Ñ͖ T̝̞̦͐̍͋Ȩ̞̭̲̅̃̿̕X̥͘Ṭ̙͚̪̝̿̀͂̎̑."
Mari held up her hands in surrender. "Whatever," she said, then leaned forward mischievously. "Besides, that's only if we lose."
"I don't actually know much about Uchiha bowling," Hazou admitted.
Mari threw her hands up in exasperation. "Hazou, it's just normal bowling. Well, normal for ninja. I'm sure matches became quite zany between the masters of the Sharingan. We just need to live up to those expectations."
Hazou scratched behind his head. "Well, uh, any other input?"
Kagome shook his head vehemently. "Can't stand bowling. Nobody lets you blow anything up."
Haru chimed in. "This seems like a colossal waste of time. Bowling? Ridiculous."
Hazou sighed. "Do you want to be on the team?"
He straightened immediately, pumping a fist. "If that's what Leaf requires of me, I will do my best."
"..." Hazou looked at someone else. "Akane?"
She was holding her knees, but her face was filled with determination. "I'm on the team too." She added, a bit quieter, "I won't let Sasuke pimp you out," and flashed a small-yet-smug smile.
Hazou gave her a genuine smile back. He felt a lot better now that Akane had joined his team. He looked to the others. "Mari? Noburi?"
"Don't look at me, I'm terribly uncoordinated," Mari replied innocently. "I'd do much better as your 'coach' anyways."
Noburi rolled his eyes. "Right. Of course, Hazou needs me to bail him out again. When will you stop depending so much on big brother, I wonder?"
"When you stop being so dependable, obviously," Hazou snarked, smiling. He stood from his chair. "Let's do this," he said, sticking out a hand.
"Uh, what's that?" Mari asked, curiously.
"I thought we could do, like, a '1 2 3 Uplift!' thing, you know, like how people do before a major sporting event…"
"Bro... thank all the gods, even Jashin, that Keiko was not here to witness that," Noburi said. "You would die of old age before you heard the end of it."
"I thought it was kind of cute," Akane said, her kindness raining almost condescendingly on Hazou's embarrassed parade.
"Nevermind…" he grumbled.
=~~=
They moved as a unit, arriving at the Uchiha compound at 5pm sharp. Despite the circumstances, this was for all intents and purposes an official Goketsu operation. The challenge would be met with nothing less than their A-game. Before the family stood a tall, stone arena, the kanji for "UCHIHADOME" scrawled across the walls above the entrance. Hazou had heard legends about this place, but he'd never have guessed he would be competing against the Avenger of the Uchiha himself in this very location.
Pushing open the massive oaken doors, Hazou was greeted by the musty scent of the lobby. It had probably been ages since a game was played here. There were signs of recent refurbishment, like fresh paint and new furniture, but it couldn't hide the impression that this building had just come back from the dead.
Sasuke was waiting for him in the lobby, wearing formal Uchiha robes. The others behind him were presumably his crew, and… and…
"Hazou, finally, you've come! My anticipation of this day may ejaculate forth at last! Let our passions interweave, so we may fill each other with the seed of Youth!"
Sasuke was utterly unperturbed by Rock Lee's declaration. "Lee has informed me of his status as your eternal rival. He is more than willing to put his all into this contest," Sasuke explained, not a wink of humor to be found on his face.
"...right." Hazou replied.
"I believe you've already met my other teammates, as well," Sasuke said.
Naruto loomed behind Sasuke, his disgust palpable. "Goketsu," he said simply.
"Uzumaki," Hazou replied courteously, giving a polite bow. "I look forward to competing with you today."
"Hmph."
The last of Sasuke's team spoke. "It's been some time, Goketsu," Neji said. "I was almost beginning to miss your game nights."
"Neji?" Noburi said, baffled. "Yeesh Sasuke, ran out of options quick, huh?"
"Which Goketsu has the audacity to question my choice in companionship?" Sasuke asked, Sharingan flaring. Noburi made a slight squeaking noise, thankfully quiet enough that Neji didn't hear it. Hazou knew Sasuke was just messing with Noburi, but Sasuke wouldn't like it if Hazou spoiled the atmosphere. Plus, he was enjoying watching his brother squirm.
"No offense meant, Lord Uchiha," Noburi got out. "I am Goketsu Noburi, brother of Hazou."
"Mmm. Acceptable. The others?"
"I am Goketsu Akane, sister of Hazou. It is an honor to compete with you, Lord Uchiha," Akane said with a bow. She and Lee exchanged a quick thumbs up and knowing smiles.
"I am Goketsu Haru… I am here to play my part." His words were unsure, but tinged with an alien eagerness.
"Goketsu Mari. I suppose I'd be the mom of this bunch. I'm here as their coach."
Sasuke eyed her warily. "I trust that she will not interfere with our sacred contest?"
"She'd be doing so against my orders. For which there would be massive consequences," Hazou reassured him. Yes, consequences like gifts of chocolate and footrubs, if she got away with it.
"Well, now that we've all been acquainted, let's go meet the referees, shall we?" Sasuke said.
Sasuke gestured for them to follow, leading them into a grand gymnasium. The walls were covered by massive bleachers, utterly devoid of life. The center of the room had rows of bowling lanes in immaculate condition. The pins shined pearly white, the floors sparkling brightly. Near the lanes, there was a booth for judges to sit in, or in this case, their referees.
As Sasuke led them to the booth, Hazou was greeted by a familiar face. "Keiko?!"
"Hello Hazou. You're more square than usual. Congratulations," Keiko spoke in her usual bored drawl, which was how Hazou knew she was happy to see them.
"Wait, but… you're a referee?"
"My astonishing skills of deduction are only a fraction more powerful than your own, it seems. This is an ability Lord Uchiha considers useful for the role. It must also be said that there is a possibility I might be fundamentally biased in favor of team Goketsu, which is actually beneficial given the identities of the other referees. My own bias is intended to serve as a balance. Not that any of us intend to be anything but impartial, of course."
Hazou glanced over at the other two judges. Hazou figured a Hyuuga would be here. Hinata gave a tired nod. "Hazou," she said. Were they on a first name basis already? Hazou couldn't remember, but rolled with it.
"Hey Hinata, haven't seen you much lately. Hope you're holding up okay."
"Well, I'm here aren't I?"
Hazou didn't know what else to say, so he gave a reassuring smile instead.
He looked over at the final judge, Sakura. Noburi had already sidled up to her, making casual conversation.
Mari put a hand on Noburi's shoulder. "Giving up on Yuno already?" she asked casually.
"I don't know what you mean," Noburi said, giving her innocent eyes.
Sakura smiled at Mari. "It's an honor, Mari-sensei. I've heard about your skill. I was actually wondering if you would be willing to tutor me sometime. Training has been rough since Kakashi-sensei...erm…"
Mari gave her best 'not bad' look. "Guilt tripping is a great tactic, even when you know it's being used against you. With a performance like that, well, maybe you'd be worth teaching."
Noburi and Hazou exchanged glances, and knew they were thinking the same thing. Sakura was not pretending.
"R-right… Akane! It's good to see you again," Sakura said, switching gears.
Akane leaned across the booth and gave Sakura a bone-crushing hug. They entered into an energetic and friendly discussion about what they'd been doing, so Hazou never actually introduced himself before Sasuke got their attention once more.
"Goketsu Hazou, distant cousin of mine… we gather here today in celebration and in testament to knowledge gained, experience earned. You graciously accepted my teachings so that if my life flame should sputter out, my legacy shall live on. For that, I am utterly grateful… However, we gather today not only in celebration, but in competitive spirit. The futures of our clans hinge on the outcome of this ancient Uchiha tradition. It is my hope that this test guides us toward a future that may benefit each and every one of us. Let us begin," Sasuke boomed, as he slowly began removing his cloak. Sasuke looked at him poignantly, and Hazou reluctantly began removing his own. A whistle rang out from the judge's booth and Hazou hoped he never found out who did it.
Sasuke gestured to a lane, and Hazou stepped over to pick up a ball. He began to lift it before noticing it must have weighed at least forty pounds. What in the hell was Sasuke thinking?
"I made some modifications to the sport to reflect our training," Sasuke said. "Hope that's okay," he said with a tone that laid out very clearly that he didn't care if it was okay.
Pretending as if everything were normal, Hazou called upon his bowling memories, the Iron Nerve blazing to life. He wasn't exactly sure how weight differentials affected the performance of Iron Nerve memory vs. application and he had the strangest feeling that if he thought about it too hard it would cease to exist entirely. Instead, he rolled the ball as normal. Strike.
Sasuke nodded approvingly. "Just like any Uchiha." He moved to a parallel lane and picked up his own ball, the railing groaning from the weight being removed. Sasuke threw the ball with such force that Hazou could barely track its movement. The collision with the pins was more akin to an explosion than anything. He turned to Hazou once more, his Sharingan twirling and his muscles glistening. "But I think you will find that I am not just 'any Uchiha'." He stepped back from his lane.
Akane was up next. She seemed surprised by the weight of the ball, but not all too bothered by it. In fact, she grinned. "This is most youthful!" she exclaimed.
"Akane! I am titillated by the prospect of grinding my youth against yours! Let us do our best!" Lee cried out.
"Lee! I too am excited to see your performance!" Oh god, it was contagious.
"Akane!"
"Lee!"
"Akane!"
"Lee!"
This went on for some time.
Akane reeled her arm back and threw with all her might. It was an utterly spectacular gutterball. She blushed a bit and picked up another ball immediately, aiming a bit more precisely this time. She managed to nab six pins, getting a cheer from her team.
"Behold! The gushing wet wellspring of Youth bursts forth!" Lee pitched his bowling ball overhand, missing the floor entirely and slamming through a wall. Lee's team folded their arms almost simultaneously, but he paid them no mind. He attempted the same strategy again and managed to tip three pins by the movement of air alone. He took that as a victory, giving mighty pelvic thrusts in celebration.
Noburi took the stand next. The ball did not quite cooperate the first time he tried to pick it up, necessitating that he used both arms to remove it from the rails. "What… have you been feeding these things…?" he huffed. Drawing strength from his core, he threw the ball with both hands, nabbing four pins.
Sasuke's team tutted at him. "You're shaming this court, Noburi," Neji said to him.
"Neji, maybe you should use that Byakugan of yours to try and find who fucking asked for your opinion," Noburi said.
"I don't think my Byakugan has that capability. See? I can admit when I can't do something. Maybe you should give it a try," Neji rebutted. He really was catching up.
Noburi popped his neck and reached for another ball. Though his arm shook some, he lifted it with one arm and threw, getting another two pins. Hazou clapped him on the back, but Noburi's mood had soured. Externally, anyways.
Mari figured out who they'd be playing against almost immediately after Hazou debriefed them, and they promptly began strategizing. The extremely heavy ball was a surprise, as was the choice of referees, but Hazou trusted his teammates to make the appropriate calls. If necessary, they could subtly signal each other for an assist or to interfere with the enemy team. They'd all have to be on the lookout for the same thing from their opponents.
Noburi walked over to Mari, whispering, "They've modded the ball, it's heavy as fuck."
"Yeah, I noticed. Looks like Sasuke did it for both teams," Mari whispered back, indicating Neji struggling much the same as Noburi did.
Noburi smirked until Neji hefted the ball into the air, leaping up and kicking it with great force, landing him a strike. His Byakugan were active. Noburi ground his teeth, glancing over to the referees, but they didn't say anything.
"Why didn't they say anything?" Noburi asked.
"Using jutsu is expected. I mean, Hazou was using his Iron Nerve after all, and Sasuke used his Sharingan," Mari pointed out.
"I just figured we had to be… less overt, I guess," Noburi muttered.
Mari nodded. "Yeah, we don't want to let them argue we interfered with their performance, so keep it contained if you can."
Haru stepped up after she said this, lifting the ball up and down to test its weight. Much as Neji had, he tossed it in the air before readying his technique, the lightning bucklers lashing out. They made a horrible screeching sound colliding with the ball and netted him nine pins. He pumped a fist before regaining his collected demeanor.
"Nice one," Hazou said, giving him a smile.
"Penalty, team Goketsu, stepping over the line," Hinata announced from the booth, her Byakugan active.
"What?" Haru demanded, looking to where he stood. Sure enough, he found himself on the line. "It was right there just moments ago…" He sputtered.
"You have one remaining throw for this turn, Haru," Hinata said, attempting to add reassurance in her voice.
Hazou looked to his teammates sitting across the table from him. "Genjutsu? I didn't even see any of them form a seal."
Haru much more carefully lined up his shot, managing to get all ten pins anyways. He cast a gloating look at the opposing team, before joining the conversation at the table.
"They didn't even wait for the first round to end to start cheating," Mari said, impressed. "They could have clones hidden all over this complex, casting Genjutsu. We may need to start mass casting dispel, though that wouldn't stop them from refreshing right after we pick up the ball."
All of them, of course, expected this. They were just ensuring Sasuke read their lips. He was still fairly new at it, but after those months of training his mettle with Sasuke, Hazou managed to safely produce shadow clones of his own, a few of them currently engaged in counterespionage. Even with the clones equipped with chakra water to refresh should any be popped, Hazou wasn't going to be able to keep up with Naruto and Sasuke's numbers. Direct confrontation would be out of the question, but luckily, they didn't know he could also use shadow clone...yet.
Naruto's turn was brief, using a clone to assist his throw, and managing a strike. Hazou couldn't help but wonder, did Naruto just happen to already be good at bowling with 40 pound balls, or did he specifically grind this skill out in two days just for Sasuke?
"Your turn, Hazou," Mari reminded him, as he idled in thought.
Hazou's eyes were peeled for any sort of deception, even casting a dispel before picking up his ball.
"Any day now. Or are you experiencing performance issues again?" Mari said, to a smattering of small laughs. Hazou just rolled his eyes.
As he threw the ball this time, the world began warping dramatically, the walls melting and the floor writhing like a mass of snakes. The Iron Nerve kept his aim true nonetheless, and after he heard the satisfactory impact of another strike he collapsed to the side, nearly knocking over the opposing team's ball stand, his breath ragged gasping, and his vision nauseating.
Mari dispelled the effect without even bothering to stand up, though her face was one of irritation. Akane rushed to Hazou's side, her hands a flurry of motion, checking him over. "What did you do to him?" she demanded.
Sasuke's face was perfectly impassive, as if he didn't understand the question, or didn't hear her.
"I didn't see any jutsu used," Hinata said, frowning.
Sakura came over and stared deeply into Hazou's eyes. "Well, he definitely just experienced something." She gave the briefest of looks at Sasuke.
Keiko suggested, "Perhaps he experienced another spark of inspiration, and the inevitable moment that it blows up in his face came early. You should be grateful for the convenience."
"Keiko, this is serious," Noburi chided, though he aired a fist bump with her when no one was looking.
Keiko glanced at the other two refs, who shrugged. "Without any kind of evidence, we cannot make a ruling. Play will continue."
Hazou grumbled and pulled himself up from the ground.
Sasuke stepped up to take his turn, casting dispel and poring over the two balls with the Sharingan. Satisfied, he began his throw, which cruised straight before suddenly wobbling into the gutter. Sasuke glanced over at team Goketsu, his eyes flickering over his opponents one by one.
He investigated every inch of the ball but found nothing. He dug in each of the holes of the ball and pulled out what would have been a minuscule, crumpled piece of black paper, except it popped on his finger before he could pull it out, the ball dropping to the ground and cracking the wood floor, right on the line.
"Penalty, team Uchiha. Uh, I think," Sakura said, a bit puzzled. Sasuke exhaled sharply as any evidence of the crime blew away in the wind. Hinata didn't say anything, which meant she hadn't noticed it either.
Sasuke glanced straight at Hazou and gave a nod of approval before sitting down. Hazou gave him "puzzled look number 5". It's not like Hazou did anything. Mari was the one who used a genjutsu before they came in, with codeword activation. (Too bad she insisted on "performance issues".) Akane was the one who slipped tiny black explosive seals in the balls while she checked him over. Yeah, Hazou didn't do anything.
And so the match went. Trump cards kept coming and coming, and countermeasures rose to meet them. Mari sipped on a drink she'd ordered and casually flicked the straw at an unsuspecting Naruto clone in the rafters, using wind jutsu to affect the rolls. Sasuke had some kind of Raiton sapping ability that ruined one of Haru's turns. Noburi started using his water whip to throw, discreetly spilling water on the opponent's track. The refs came over again and again, much to their growing annoyance, but no additional penalties were awarded as the proof kept mysteriously vanishing.
Nonetheless, after Haru and Naruto went, there were only 3 rounds to go, and Hazou's team was almost thirty points down. Besides Lee, Sasuke's team was frighteningly accurate, whereas Hazou's team was more of a mixed bag. Still, their bag of tricks had nearly let them keep up so far, and the game wasn't over yet.
Haru looked around awkwardly before asking Noburi, "Excuse me, Noburi… My jutsu is very chakra intensive, and…in order to keep up…"
Noburi maintained a smug expression. "You need some chakra water? Of course, anything for my team," he said, pointing to the iconic barrel on his back.
Neji interjected. "Whoa, whoa, wait, this cannot be legal! Performance enhancing drugs should not be permitted!"
Noburi replied as if it were the most obvious thing in the world, "It's not a drug, it's water. I knew you were a puritan but this is just sad."
"Pedantry will win you no points with me, Goketsu."
"We're all using our jutsu, right? This is mine, just like the Byakugan enhances you. It's no different," Noburi insisted.
Neji rose to his feet, continuing his complaints and pointing passionately to accentuate his statements. "The Byakugan only enhances me. Using jutsu to enhance the performance of your teammates is unsportsmanlike!"
"Then why play in teams at all?"
Neji struggled for words at first. "That… is different. The point is to showcase how each member can contribute to the whole with their own skills, not artificially increase the abilities of others."
"That's the same thing!" Noburi protested.
Their bickering continued, the refs ignoring it entirely as they discussed the issue themselves.
Noburi was standing at this point too, he and Neji shouting in each other's faces. Sasuke and Naruto were chatting with each other, letting the refs handle it, seemingly uninterested in the conflict. Lee had started doing pushups and shouting proverbs of youth, and the rest of Goketsu made no effort to de-escalate either. Whoever attacked first would be disqualified after all.
Maybe they should've been paying more attention, because a moment later Noburi was on the ground, his now-cracked barrel leaking water everywhere. The opponents retreated from it like it was acid.
"Disqualify him! He just shoved me!" Noburi complained.
"I did no such thing! He tripped over his own feet like a buffoon!" Neji countered.
Sasuke used some kind of flame release that flash-fried the water, turning it to steam.
"It's irrelevant now, as neither of you can prove anything," Sasuke said, by this point allowing annoyance to creep into his tone.
"It is most certainly relevant when I am accused of something I did not do!" Neji said, firing up his Byakugan.
Naruto had stepped between them by this point, several clones holding each of them back. He seemed more confused than anything. "Neji, chill out. He's not worth it."
"Of course you want to fight after I lose my barrel and my water, you coward. How about I challenge you after I pluck out your eyes?"
Neji was attempting to shove the Naruto clones aside. "Now he's threatening me directly!" he yelled, using some kind of revolving chakra technique to blast the Narutos aside. Immediately after, he collapsed to the ground.
Everyone looked at each other, before rushing to his side. Noburi borrowed Hazou's chakra to run medical diagnostics. "The utter fool..." he muttered, before clarifying. "He's chakra exhausted."
Which was technically true, even if it was because Noburi had just used the remnants of the steam to sap what was left of Neji's chakra.
Sasuke said, "How could that happen? Why would he provoke a fight with Noburi, with all of us here to step in, and when he was nearly chakra exhausted? Is he really that eager to show up Noburi?"
There was a near-simultaneous smattering of yeses, even from Sasuke's team. In truth, Mari had also been using a sealless anger-inducing Genjutsu to provoke Neji. Another important lesson in the dangers of a questionable public image. Everyone was all too willing to buy the ruse.
"Well, what should we do?" Naruto asked, finally.
"Noburi could give him some chakra to wake him up," another Naruto said.
"So now I'm expected to help my opponents win after they provoke a confrontation? I don't think so. Plus, even if I gave him some chakra he'll need a day or so to recover regardless."
"Perhaps a replacement partner would be appropriate?" Rock Lee suggested.
Sasuke shook his head grimly. "There are no substitutions in Uchiha bowling. All Neji proved is that he did not have the stamina to complete the match. His turns are forfeit."
Naruto cracked his neck and gave a dastardly grin. "Well, we'll just win without him!" a Naruto said, while another clone said, "Believe it!"
Sasuke's eyes went skyward in exasperation before sitting back down at the table. Rock Lee pulled Neji's body over to an empty table and left him on it, before returning as well.
The enemy's tricks intensified. What Hazou assumed was a Naruto clone punched under his foot right as he threw, giving him only 8 pins and nearly ending his strike chain. He managed a spare and subtly signed a clone to go take out any underground Narutos still lurking. Noburi was back to throwing without his water, which hurt his performance. Sasuke pulled some kind of trick with ninja wire, sending Akane sprawling onto the lane, retracting the line before anyone could prove anything. The refs had nearly abandoned trying to catch penalties, and were basically allowing anything they didn't immediately see.
Still, with Neji out of the picture, the point gap was closing rapidly. They continued alternating, so team Uchiha finished early, with a total score of 815. Haru had one last turn, with Gokestu sitting at 803. If Haru could manage a spare, he could give them victory in the last extra roll.
He was very clearly under the pressure, his team attempting to comfort him as much as they could.
"Haru, regardless of what you do now, you are a Goketsu. Remember that," Hazou said reassuringly.
Haru nodded. "Today has made me realize that," he said, before stepping forward, grabbing the ball, and lining up his shot.
Six pins.
He exhaled sharply. Another throw. Four pins. A spare.
There was dead silence in the room, every eye trained on Haru, waiting for the Uchiha servants to reset the pins.
He tossed his final throw, Naruto sneezing with astonishing force as Haru did so. The ball drifted ever so slightly off center, nabbing him… two pins.
"NARUTO, YOU IDIOT!" Sakura yelled, throwing a pen at him.
"That was actually accidental, I swear!" His clones shoved the offender in question towards Sakura, who began energetically ruffling his hair and chastising him.
Sasuke was trying very hard not to facepalm, a sight that had become almost nostalgic to Hazou.
"So, uh, what happens when we tie?" Hazou said, all the tension of the room draining away.
Sasuke gazed over to the ref's booth, where Keiko was currently taking a nap and Hinata was playing and chatting with Pandaa, a remarkably more cheerful expression on her face. He looked back over at Naruto and Sakura bickering, and his expression softened slightly.
"Normally we would fight to the death to break a tie, but I suspect that our referees will rule it your victory. As would I, even if they didn't." He turned his whole body to Hazou, mercifully putting his robe back on. Hazou did the same immediately. "You performed like a true Uchiha today, Hazou. I look forward to seeing where you take Goketsu in the future. And, perhaps it's selfish, but I hope it's a future that includes the Uchiha, too."
Hazou smiled at him. "I'd like that, Sasuke. Just so long as it doesn't involve ripping out my nervous system."
Sasuke gave a thoughtful look. "Hmm, how would I go about doing so? I'd have to study more about the human physiology first. Perhaps Orochimaru could teach me?"
"Why would Orochimaru want to teach you anything?"
Sasuke laughed and wandered off, leaving the question hanging. That did not bode well.
Naruto and Sakura's squabble had apparently come to an end, and Sakura came his way.
She stuck out a hand. "Haruno Sakura, nice to meet you."
"But… haven't we already met?"
"Did we really though?" she said with a sly tone.
"...Goketsu Hazou. Nice to meet you, too."
"You did good out there today, Goketsu. Your team, too. You must be a great leader."
Yeah, of course she wanted to learn from Mari. Still, Hazou had been exposed to enough of this from Mari to see what she was doing.
"You know, the Goketsu are looking to adopt more respectable clanless ninja soon. How would you feel about you and your family becoming part of us?"
Sakura seemed genuinely surprised by that, and it tripped her up. She raised a skeptical eyebrow. "Is this an official offer?"
Hazou smiled deviously. "I'd need to talk it over with my family first. This is more like… asking you to help me convince them."
She gave a detached shrug, eyeing him up and down. "I could always just marry in," she said slowly, winking at Noburi and walking off.
Noburi started pummeling Hazou's shoulder jokingly. "Come on man, leave some for the rest of us!"
Hazou was approached again, by an even bigger surprise. Naruto scratched behind his head awkwardly, and said, "Hey, uh, thanks for… all this. It was… nice, seeing my old team again. We, uh, don't see each other much, since I'm, y'know, a big deal and all…"
"Believe it," Hazou said, smiling.
Naruto didn't smile back, but he didn't seem offended. "We're not cool yet, Goketsu… but, well, maybe we're getting there. Just don't threaten any more Hokages."
"You too," Hazou replied.
Naruto gave him a scowl with no anger in it, and ran off to rejoin his team, at least for a little while.
Hinata came over next, saying, "Sorry about your barrel, Noburi," genuine compassion in her voice.
"It's no biggie, I've fixed those barrels a thousand times already, I can do it again. I'm making sure Neji pays for it, though, one way or another," Noburi replied ominously.
Hinata gave a small laugh. "You two are so cute."
Noburi blinked a few times and scratched his head. "O-oh?"
Her face became pleasantly neutral. "Don't give him too hard of a time, okay? He's been through a lot. We, um… all have, these past few months…" She cleared her throat and blinked rapidly. "I think your little rivalry has been helping him more than you know. Thanks for that, Noburi."
He nodded, though he still seemed quite confused.
She started to leave as well, but not before saying, "Oh, and Hazou? We need another game night soon. Hanabi has heard the legends and she's been begging me to come."
Hazou smiled. "I'll see what I can do."
Hinata smiled back and went over to throw Neji over her shoulder, before walking out.
Rock Lee approached Hazou, but Hazou said, "I'll spar with you tomorrow if you go train right now." He didn't have the energy right now…
"A consummation of wills no one could resist! I await our inevitable tryst of Youth with bated breath." The cosmic horror that was Rock Lee was gone in an instant.
"Man, it sure is convenient that everyone wants to talk to you one at a time," Noburi remarked.
"Oh, that's probably because T̛̤̯̫͙̈̐͗h͓̲́͠ę̜͘͝ ̞̹͉͐̔̇N̰͙͊̂ḁ̺̪͇̊̄̎̈́̚͟r͔̻̱̄́́͊͐͟ͅr͓͍̗͂̓͡a̟̫͌͝t͔̆i͍̜̔̏v̩͍̪͒͒̈ê̫ ̫͗C̟͡a̯͆̅͜͞ͅn̩͂n̢̹̬̮̠͗̈̒͋̓ò͍̮̌ẗ̻́ ̥̅S̖̪̙̯̖̓̈̈̔̃us̭͇͗͞t̞͓̹̍͂̅̔͢ä̤̞͈̤͐̉͂i̳̪̾͋n̥̍ ͊ͅT̡͡w̩̟̉̑e̢͓̳̯͉͐̃̏̔͐l̝̉v͙̒e ͚̍C̡̢̢̐͋͠h͎̘̀̆a̬̼̬̼̿̇̈̌r̠̿ac͙̉̋̀͜͜te̲͝r̯̯̹͌̂̿̈ͅş̨̟͂̋̚ ̛̗̳̕S̹̮͓̓̑̍i̢̤͋̿̎ͅm̳̀u͙̣̾͋l̬̪͉̠̀̾̒̈t̠̦̝̼̿̇̂͒ă̠͎̍n̂͢è̹͈̼̰̩̏͗̈́̚o̙̱̣̒͘͘u̜̚s̼̥̏̉l̗̤͍̈͆̑͘͢y͉̠͓͙̦͗̂́́̏."
"Uh, what?"
"Hmm?" Hazo asked. "What were we talking about?"
Noburi took a step away from him.
Keiko was roused from her nap by Pandaa. "Is the testosterone fueled contest of egos already over? I am crushed to know that I missed the critical moment and can never relive it again."
"Perhaps we could make it up to Lady Nara with some steaming mugs of hot chocolate in the Goketsu estate," Hazou offered.
"That would be welcome. For some reason, chocolate seems to be much harder to come by lately," Keiko responded absently. Mari winked at Hazou. "I am eager to hear of the hijinks I've sorely missed out on. I can hardly live without it."
"It'll be good to have you around you again, Keiko, even for just a little bit. It's been so long since Uplift was all together! Kagome's going to be so excited," Akane said.
"What do you think he was doing all this time?" Haru asked.
~==~
Meanwhile…
Tentacles were smashing through the windows of the Goketsu estate, furiously searching for brains. The sky squid never forgot a scent, and there was no greater prize than Kagome himself.
"It's just you and me Fifi, just you and me." He pulled out a deck of paper, the furry aberration on his head clawing at any tentacles that got too close. "Well, you, me, and a stinking buttload of explosives!" The squids never stood a chance.
sorry if formatting is weird, written from my phone
Hazou and Sasuke sat across from one another within the Uchiha household once more, the walls reflecting that same bare chic Sasuke insisted on maintaining to spite Itachi, or maybe to avoid dredging up painful memories. Sasuke was dressed in a formal tunic bearing the crest of the Uchiha, his eyes dispassionate but not unfriendly. It was a gaze Hazou had become quite accustomed to these past few months, training with Sasuke.
Hazou had to admit that one thing was for sure, Sasuke's techniques were quite potent. In these 3 months, Hazou had gained nearly twenty pounds. He almost didn't recognize himself in the mirror anymore. Last week, Noburi had circled Hazou over and over, scratching his chin and nodding. "Not bad, Mr. Mew," he'd said, before asking for tips. Three days ago, Kagome sprinted at Hazou and started screaming about sealing failures stealing his body and what had he been researching to warp his form so badly and if they acted fast there was still time to save him. Akane had bumped into him two days prior by accident, her eyes widening as she prodded his abdomen, causing him to go beet red. She moved away at roughly 8% the speed of light, the sudden movement of air making Hazou stumble. And just yesterday, Mari had walked by his room while he was putting on a fresh shirt, muttering "dispel" before giving a disgruntled look of disbelief and wandering off to investigate who'd been lethally dosing Hazou with the Akimichi food pills.
What he wasn't sure about was why Sasuke had called him here today. Tuesday was their rest day, to recuperate sore muscles. They would ordinarily spend their training time for the day independently meditating, so there was no need to meet in person.
"I'm sure you're wondering why I called you here," Sasuke said.
"Well, yeah, that's a pretty easy guess, since you didn't say… well, anything in your letter," Hazo responded. He wasn't as concerned with being polite with Sasuke anymore now that they'd become better acquainted. Every now and then Sasuke even felt like an actual cousin.
Sasuke smirked. "Fair enough. My people have always had a flair for the dramatic, even among ninja. First order of business, consider your training finished."
Hazou's eyebrows went up, but Sasuke smiled and said, "You didn't fail my expectations or anything, Hazou. In fact, you've performed quite adequately. No, your training is complete because I have no further techniques with which to share with you. The rest of the Uchiha tradition and techniques will survive with the remnants of the clan, but all of my original techniques are now yours."
"You honor me," Hazou said, immediately feeling like a dork for both saying and meaning it. Seriously, was this one of Jiraiya's novels or something? Sasuke didn't seem to think anything of it, though.
In addition to the extensive bodybuilding knowledge Sasuke had accrued or invented, Hazou had also been given extensive Taijutsu training, more intensive even than dueling with Lee. Pitting the Iron Nerve against the Sharingan made their spars feel more like chess matches than battles, but losing a piece was far more punishing in this case, since Sasuke hit like a truck. As someone who understood exactly what recalling old techniques felt like, Sasuke was in a much better position to teach Hazou Taijutsu than most, and he learned at an accelerated rate. Hazou's mental library expanded greatly after Sasuke showed him more movements that could multitask, such as repositioning while attacking, or guarding while breaking down the opponent's defenses. Sasuke showed Hazou when to use them, since they could both afford to think multiple moves ahead without having to focus on their current movements. It was pretty refreshing to train with someone else who could truly understand how he fought.
Sasuke even shared Chidori with Hazou, though Hazou could not yet produce lightning element. The precise movement at critical speeds was still something Hazou could practice and memorize, however, so he should be able to use it without a Sharingan of his own, once he could properly utilize lightning release. When asked why he was sharing it, Sasuke shrugged and said it wasn't the Uchiha's to keep, without saying anything more. Hazou knew who had created it, and couldn't help but wonder if this was some way of Sasuke attempting to honor his old teacher. He wouldn't let that respect go to waste.
But now Sasuke was saying that he had nothing left to share with Hazou, something that made him surprisingly glum. He had actually come to enjoy training with Sasuke, and would hate to see it end. He did need to start his summoning training soon, but...
Sasuke continued speaking. "Yes, your training with me has ended. However, as it was an Uchiha training program, it requires an Uchiha celebration."
Hmm, what could that be? "Uh, is this something you've mentioned before?"
Sasuke clapped twice. "Yuko?"
A man in plain black robes stepped forward and bowed. "Yes, Lord?"
"Ready the harem!" Sasuke demanded.
"Uhhhhh," Hazo said intelligently.
Sasuke laughed and waved Yuko off. "I'm just messing with you, Hazou. Itachi killed the Uchiha harem."
"Um…"
"No, we shall celebrate with another Uchiha tradition, bowling!"
"Bowling? Surely that's the least interesting sport for someone with a Sharingan?" Hazou asked. He'd personally gotten bored of it the first time he got a strike. The Iron Nerve pretty much invalidated the sport for him. The Sharingan would be much the same, presumably.
"You've never bowled with an Uchiha," Sasuke said ominously.
Hazou shrugged. "True."
Sasuke smiled. "Why don't we make this more interesting? How about a little wager?"
"Before I even know what Uchiha bowling is like?"
"You didn't seem to think anything of it just a moment ago," Sasuke said offhandedly.
"Fine, if I win, I get your eyes," Hazou said sarcastically.
"Very well. The only proper wager to match my Sharingan would be your Iron Nerve, no? I suppose if I win, I'll rip out your nervous system."
They stared at each other for a moment, Sasuke's eyes flaring into the Sharingan.
"I was kidding, you know," Hazou said nervously, as Sasuke stared at him.
Sasuke broke out into a laugh. "You should've seen your face. Actually, here, I memorized it for you." Sasuke proceeded to perfectly recreate Hazou's growing horror with the Sharingan.
Hazou waved a disgruntled hand. "All right, all right, you got me. You wanted a wager, right? What did you want to bet?"
Sasuke cracked his knuckles and reclined casually and coolly. "I like you Hazou, I do, but I like the Uchiha more. Don't forget that." When Hazou nodded as if that was obvious, Sasuke said, "If I win, you will take an Uchiha bride." He left Hazou to explore the ramifications himself.
Sasuke ultimately wanted to restore the Uchiha as quickly as he could. A union between their clans would only be the beginning. No doubt even now Sasuke would be attempting to figure out how to turn the Goketsu into a vassal family of the Uchiha, for somewhat obvious reasons. Not to mention that the assets of the Goketsu would be most useful to Sasuke's goals. A political marriage didn't necessarily guarantee any of that but it was a connection Sasuke would surely exploit.
What reward could be worth risking ceding political ground to Sasuke? Hazou smiled broadly, a new, radiant confidence that came somewhat from the fruit of his training, but mostly from the sudden, unyielding conviction that Team Uplift would survive and succeed any challenge, no matter how steep, so long as they planned properly and brought plenty of explosives. Jiraiya had named their clan "Gutsy" for a reason. Sasuke didn't know what was coming for him.
"I see. Such a modest request from the Lord of the Uchiha." Hazou mimicked Sasuke, cracking his knuckles and reclining, managing an even cooler and calmer demeanor. "The Goketsu are in a bit of a pickle, Sasuke. We have resources, we have manpower, more than you might expect from a clan with half a dozen active ninja. What I've managed to bungle time and time again is our reputation. Success has been handed to me on a silver platter on more than one occasion, and yet I find myself irritating every S-ranker I've encountered, and many that I haven't."
Sasuke nodded understandingly. "I can see how they might feel that way. So, you want me to teach you how to be less annoying next?"
Hazou scratched his chin thoughtfully. "Hmm, that could be useful, but no. This is a challenge worthy of the Heir of the Uchiha. First, I need your help mending my relationship with Naruto. I should've realized only S-rankers get to, erm, 'negotiate' on even ground with the Hokage, and I'm a massive idiot for even thinking of punching out of my league."
Sasuke clasped his hands together in thought. "Yes, well, Naruto and I's relationship has always been...er, close." He cleared his throat. "I think I could manage that." He gave a wry smile. "I take it that's not all?"
"No. Next, I need an in with the Yamanaka and Akimichi. Not everyone reacted as positively to my… encounter with Itachi as you." Sasuke rolled his eyes but didn't interrupt. "Lord Nara still supports me privately, but even he cannot afford to be an outspoken ally. If I can get in with the closest allies to the Nara, the charade can end and the Goketsu regain some of their best human assets and information sources."
"I don't suppose Ino had anything to do with this consideration?" Sasuke asked neutrally.
"Maybe a bit," Hazou replied, his face controlled but his cheeks tinged red.
Sasuke shrugged. "I respect the hustle."
Hazou gratefully took the out. "Finally, I need the clan council as a whole to see the Uchiha hold no ill will towards the Goketsu. If I win, we get five free Uchiha votes of our own choosing."
Sasuke closed his eyes and smirked. "Three. Civvie-lover."
"Fine."
Sasuke stuck out a hand. "So… do we have a bet?"
Hazou's eyes widened. "Were you even listening? I make horrible decisions on my own! I'll consult my family over the terms, and get back to you in two days."
Sasuke said, "Good point. While you're at it, work out who your teammates will be."
Hazou stopped. "Teammates?"
"Yes. Traditionally, Uchiha bowling is played by teams of four. If you can't find teammates, I will find some for you." He smiled evilly.
"Ugh, you're twisted."
"I know. It's my greatest strength. Well, besides my actual strength, that is."
=~~=
The Goketsu inner circle sat around their common room, listening intently to Hazou recounting his latest conversation with Sasuke, the stakes at hand, and the ramifications of their wager.
Mari spoke first as Hazou finished his speaking. "This sounds like a trap."
Hazou opened his mouth to reply, but she smiled and immediately interrupted him. "Hazou, what is Mari teaching number 4?"
"Oftentimes the simplest way to disarm a trap is to trigger it," he replied automatically. Some days he wondered if she'd used Genjutsu to hardwire it into his brain.
"Exactly. Your plotting skills have come along quite nicely, Hazou. You noticed that Sasuke would be hoping to use that marriage to shift Goketsu resources to the Uchiha, but it goes deeper than you might think. Do you remember the last deal we tried to make with the Uchiha?"
Hazou shuddered at the memory. "W̯̮̻͑͆͛Ḙ͂ D͔͐O̖͆ ̝̺̞̤̫̂̄͐̏͞N͖̝̝̎̕͝O̼̕T̨̓ ̹̣̳̓͐́̈ͅS͉̮̠̫͊̎͊͑P̘̤̺̀̍͊Ḝ̿͢A̬̦̩͊̋̃K̢͚̲̖̟̒̄̒̑̑ ̨̱͓̂͊̑OF͍̪̣̀̾̔ ̦͠Ţ̢͆́Ḫ͛É̻͚̲͇͐̀̃ ̋͟F̥͔͍̦̎̏̚͠O͍͔͍̟͂̒̚͞R̢̍B͍̘̍͂͘͜I͎͎̘̊͆͋Ḋ̢̖͇̑̚D̡̼̫̅̾̒E̮͚̰̍̓͒Ñ͖ T̝̞̦͐̍͋Ȩ̞̭̲̅̃̿̕X̥͘Ṭ̙͚̪̝̿̀͂̎̑."
Mari held up her hands in surrender. "Whatever," she said, then leaned forward mischievously. "Besides, that's only if we lose."
"I don't actually know much about Uchiha bowling," Hazou admitted.
Mari threw her hands up in exasperation. "Hazou, it's just normal bowling. Well, normal for ninja. I'm sure matches became quite zany between the masters of the Sharingan. We just need to live up to those expectations."
Hazou scratched behind his head. "Well, uh, any other input?"
Kagome shook his head vehemently. "Can't stand bowling. Nobody lets you blow anything up."
Haru chimed in. "This seems like a colossal waste of time. Bowling? Ridiculous."
Hazou sighed. "Do you want to be on the team?"
He straightened immediately, pumping a fist. "If that's what Leaf requires of me, I will do my best."
"..." Hazou looked at someone else. "Akane?"
She was holding her knees, but her face was filled with determination. "I'm on the team too." She added, a bit quieter, "I won't let Sasuke pimp you out," and flashed a small-yet-smug smile.
Hazou gave her a genuine smile back. He felt a lot better now that Akane had joined his team. He looked to the others. "Mari? Noburi?"
"Don't look at me, I'm terribly uncoordinated," Mari replied innocently. "I'd do much better as your 'coach' anyways."
Noburi rolled his eyes. "Right. Of course, Hazou needs me to bail him out again. When will you stop depending so much on big brother, I wonder?"
"When you stop being so dependable, obviously," Hazou snarked, smiling. He stood from his chair. "Let's do this," he said, sticking out a hand.
"Uh, what's that?" Mari asked, curiously.
"I thought we could do, like, a '1 2 3 Uplift!' thing, you know, like how people do before a major sporting event…"
"Bro... thank all the gods, even Jashin, that Keiko was not here to witness that," Noburi said. "You would die of old age before you heard the end of it."
"I thought it was kind of cute," Akane said, her kindness raining almost condescendingly on Hazou's embarrassed parade.
"Nevermind…" he grumbled.
=~~=
They moved as a unit, arriving at the Uchiha compound at 5pm sharp. Despite the circumstances, this was for all intents and purposes an official Goketsu operation. The challenge would be met with nothing less than their A-game. Before the family stood a tall, stone arena, the kanji for "UCHIHADOME" scrawled across the walls above the entrance. Hazou had heard legends about this place, but he'd never have guessed he would be competing against the Avenger of the Uchiha himself in this very location.
Pushing open the massive oaken doors, Hazou was greeted by the musty scent of the lobby. It had probably been ages since a game was played here. There were signs of recent refurbishment, like fresh paint and new furniture, but it couldn't hide the impression that this building had just come back from the dead.
Sasuke was waiting for him in the lobby, wearing formal Uchiha robes. The others behind him were presumably his crew, and… and…
"Hazou, finally, you've come! My anticipation of this day may ejaculate forth at last! Let our passions interweave, so we may fill each other with the seed of Youth!"
Sasuke was utterly unperturbed by Rock Lee's declaration. "Lee has informed me of his status as your eternal rival. He is more than willing to put his all into this contest," Sasuke explained, not a wink of humor to be found on his face.
"...right." Hazou replied.
"I believe you've already met my other teammates, as well," Sasuke said.
Naruto loomed behind Sasuke, his disgust palpable. "Goketsu," he said simply.
"Uzumaki," Hazou replied courteously, giving a polite bow. "I look forward to competing with you today."
"Hmph."
The last of Sasuke's team spoke. "It's been some time, Goketsu," Neji said. "I was almost beginning to miss your game nights."
"Neji?" Noburi said, baffled. "Yeesh Sasuke, ran out of options quick, huh?"
"Which Goketsu has the audacity to question my choice in companionship?" Sasuke asked, Sharingan flaring. Noburi made a slight squeaking noise, thankfully quiet enough that Neji didn't hear it. Hazou knew Sasuke was just messing with Noburi, but Sasuke wouldn't like it if Hazou spoiled the atmosphere. Plus, he was enjoying watching his brother squirm.
"No offense meant, Lord Uchiha," Noburi got out. "I am Goketsu Noburi, brother of Hazou."
"Mmm. Acceptable. The others?"
"I am Goketsu Akane, sister of Hazou. It is an honor to compete with you, Lord Uchiha," Akane said with a bow. She and Lee exchanged a quick thumbs up and knowing smiles.
"I am Goketsu Haru… I am here to play my part." His words were unsure, but tinged with an alien eagerness.
"Goketsu Mari. I suppose I'd be the mom of this bunch. I'm here as their coach."
Sasuke eyed her warily. "I trust that she will not interfere with our sacred contest?"
"She'd be doing so against my orders. For which there would be massive consequences," Hazou reassured him. Yes, consequences like gifts of chocolate and footrubs, if she got away with it.
"Well, now that we've all been acquainted, let's go meet the referees, shall we?" Sasuke said.
Sasuke gestured for them to follow, leading them into a grand gymnasium. The walls were covered by massive bleachers, utterly devoid of life. The center of the room had rows of bowling lanes in immaculate condition. The pins shined pearly white, the floors sparkling brightly. Near the lanes, there was a booth for judges to sit in, or in this case, their referees.
As Sasuke led them to the booth, Hazou was greeted by a familiar face. "Keiko?!"
"Hello Hazou. You're more square than usual. Congratulations," Keiko spoke in her usual bored drawl, which was how Hazou knew she was happy to see them.
"Wait, but… you're a referee?"
"My astonishing skills of deduction are only a fraction more powerful than your own, it seems. This is an ability Lord Uchiha considers useful for the role. It must also be said that there is a possibility I might be fundamentally biased in favor of team Goketsu, which is actually beneficial given the identities of the other referees. My own bias is intended to serve as a balance. Not that any of us intend to be anything but impartial, of course."
Hazou glanced over at the other two judges. Hazou figured a Hyuuga would be here. Hinata gave a tired nod. "Hazou," she said. Were they on a first name basis already? Hazou couldn't remember, but rolled with it.
"Hey Hinata, haven't seen you much lately. Hope you're holding up okay."
"Well, I'm here aren't I?"
Hazou didn't know what else to say, so he gave a reassuring smile instead.
He looked over at the final judge, Sakura. Noburi had already sidled up to her, making casual conversation.
Mari put a hand on Noburi's shoulder. "Giving up on Yuno already?" she asked casually.
"I don't know what you mean," Noburi said, giving her innocent eyes.
Sakura smiled at Mari. "It's an honor, Mari-sensei. I've heard about your skill. I was actually wondering if you would be willing to tutor me sometime. Training has been rough since Kakashi-sensei...erm…"
Mari gave her best 'not bad' look. "Guilt tripping is a great tactic, even when you know it's being used against you. With a performance like that, well, maybe you'd be worth teaching."
Noburi and Hazou exchanged glances, and knew they were thinking the same thing. Sakura was not pretending.
"R-right… Akane! It's good to see you again," Sakura said, switching gears.
Akane leaned across the booth and gave Sakura a bone-crushing hug. They entered into an energetic and friendly discussion about what they'd been doing, so Hazou never actually introduced himself before Sasuke got their attention once more.
"Goketsu Hazou, distant cousin of mine… we gather here today in celebration and in testament to knowledge gained, experience earned. You graciously accepted my teachings so that if my life flame should sputter out, my legacy shall live on. For that, I am utterly grateful… However, we gather today not only in celebration, but in competitive spirit. The futures of our clans hinge on the outcome of this ancient Uchiha tradition. It is my hope that this test guides us toward a future that may benefit each and every one of us. Let us begin," Sasuke boomed, as he slowly began removing his cloak. Sasuke looked at him poignantly, and Hazou reluctantly began removing his own. A whistle rang out from the judge's booth and Hazou hoped he never found out who did it.
Sasuke gestured to a lane, and Hazou stepped over to pick up a ball. He began to lift it before noticing it must have weighed at least forty pounds. What in the hell was Sasuke thinking?
"I made some modifications to the sport to reflect our training," Sasuke said. "Hope that's okay," he said with a tone that laid out very clearly that he didn't care if it was okay.
Pretending as if everything were normal, Hazou called upon his bowling memories, the Iron Nerve blazing to life. He wasn't exactly sure how weight differentials affected the performance of Iron Nerve memory vs. application and he had the strangest feeling that if he thought about it too hard it would cease to exist entirely. Instead, he rolled the ball as normal. Strike.
Sasuke nodded approvingly. "Just like any Uchiha." He moved to a parallel lane and picked up his own ball, the railing groaning from the weight being removed. Sasuke threw the ball with such force that Hazou could barely track its movement. The collision with the pins was more akin to an explosion than anything. He turned to Hazou once more, his Sharingan twirling and his muscles glistening. "But I think you will find that I am not just 'any Uchiha'." He stepped back from his lane.
Akane was up next. She seemed surprised by the weight of the ball, but not all too bothered by it. In fact, she grinned. "This is most youthful!" she exclaimed.
"Akane! I am titillated by the prospect of grinding my youth against yours! Let us do our best!" Lee cried out.
"Lee! I too am excited to see your performance!" Oh god, it was contagious.
"Akane!"
"Lee!"
"Akane!"
"Lee!"
This went on for some time.
Akane reeled her arm back and threw with all her might. It was an utterly spectacular gutterball. She blushed a bit and picked up another ball immediately, aiming a bit more precisely this time. She managed to nab six pins, getting a cheer from her team.
"Behold! The gushing wet wellspring of Youth bursts forth!" Lee pitched his bowling ball overhand, missing the floor entirely and slamming through a wall. Lee's team folded their arms almost simultaneously, but he paid them no mind. He attempted the same strategy again and managed to tip three pins by the movement of air alone. He took that as a victory, giving mighty pelvic thrusts in celebration.
Noburi took the stand next. The ball did not quite cooperate the first time he tried to pick it up, necessitating that he used both arms to remove it from the rails. "What… have you been feeding these things…?" he huffed. Drawing strength from his core, he threw the ball with both hands, nabbing four pins.
Sasuke's team tutted at him. "You're shaming this court, Noburi," Neji said to him.
"Neji, maybe you should use that Byakugan of yours to try and find who fucking asked for your opinion," Noburi said.
"I don't think my Byakugan has that capability. See? I can admit when I can't do something. Maybe you should give it a try," Neji rebutted. He really was catching up.
Noburi popped his neck and reached for another ball. Though his arm shook some, he lifted it with one arm and threw, getting another two pins. Hazou clapped him on the back, but Noburi's mood had soured. Externally, anyways.
Mari figured out who they'd be playing against almost immediately after Hazou debriefed them, and they promptly began strategizing. The extremely heavy ball was a surprise, as was the choice of referees, but Hazou trusted his teammates to make the appropriate calls. If necessary, they could subtly signal each other for an assist or to interfere with the enemy team. They'd all have to be on the lookout for the same thing from their opponents.
Noburi walked over to Mari, whispering, "They've modded the ball, it's heavy as fuck."
"Yeah, I noticed. Looks like Sasuke did it for both teams," Mari whispered back, indicating Neji struggling much the same as Noburi did.
Noburi smirked until Neji hefted the ball into the air, leaping up and kicking it with great force, landing him a strike. His Byakugan were active. Noburi ground his teeth, glancing over to the referees, but they didn't say anything.
"Why didn't they say anything?" Noburi asked.
"Using jutsu is expected. I mean, Hazou was using his Iron Nerve after all, and Sasuke used his Sharingan," Mari pointed out.
"I just figured we had to be… less overt, I guess," Noburi muttered.
Mari nodded. "Yeah, we don't want to let them argue we interfered with their performance, so keep it contained if you can."
Haru stepped up after she said this, lifting the ball up and down to test its weight. Much as Neji had, he tossed it in the air before readying his technique, the lightning bucklers lashing out. They made a horrible screeching sound colliding with the ball and netted him nine pins. He pumped a fist before regaining his collected demeanor.
"Nice one," Hazou said, giving him a smile.
"Penalty, team Goketsu, stepping over the line," Hinata announced from the booth, her Byakugan active.
"What?" Haru demanded, looking to where he stood. Sure enough, he found himself on the line. "It was right there just moments ago…" He sputtered.
"You have one remaining throw for this turn, Haru," Hinata said, attempting to add reassurance in her voice.
Hazou looked to his teammates sitting across the table from him. "Genjutsu? I didn't even see any of them form a seal."
Haru much more carefully lined up his shot, managing to get all ten pins anyways. He cast a gloating look at the opposing team, before joining the conversation at the table.
"They didn't even wait for the first round to end to start cheating," Mari said, impressed. "They could have clones hidden all over this complex, casting Genjutsu. We may need to start mass casting dispel, though that wouldn't stop them from refreshing right after we pick up the ball."
All of them, of course, expected this. They were just ensuring Sasuke read their lips. He was still fairly new at it, but after those months of training his mettle with Sasuke, Hazou managed to safely produce shadow clones of his own, a few of them currently engaged in counterespionage. Even with the clones equipped with chakra water to refresh should any be popped, Hazou wasn't going to be able to keep up with Naruto and Sasuke's numbers. Direct confrontation would be out of the question, but luckily, they didn't know he could also use shadow clone...yet.
Naruto's turn was brief, using a clone to assist his throw, and managing a strike. Hazou couldn't help but wonder, did Naruto just happen to already be good at bowling with 40 pound balls, or did he specifically grind this skill out in two days just for Sasuke?
"Your turn, Hazou," Mari reminded him, as he idled in thought.
Hazou's eyes were peeled for any sort of deception, even casting a dispel before picking up his ball.
"Any day now. Or are you experiencing performance issues again?" Mari said, to a smattering of small laughs. Hazou just rolled his eyes.
As he threw the ball this time, the world began warping dramatically, the walls melting and the floor writhing like a mass of snakes. The Iron Nerve kept his aim true nonetheless, and after he heard the satisfactory impact of another strike he collapsed to the side, nearly knocking over the opposing team's ball stand, his breath ragged gasping, and his vision nauseating.
Mari dispelled the effect without even bothering to stand up, though her face was one of irritation. Akane rushed to Hazou's side, her hands a flurry of motion, checking him over. "What did you do to him?" she demanded.
Sasuke's face was perfectly impassive, as if he didn't understand the question, or didn't hear her.
"I didn't see any jutsu used," Hinata said, frowning.
Sakura came over and stared deeply into Hazou's eyes. "Well, he definitely just experienced something." She gave the briefest of looks at Sasuke.
Keiko suggested, "Perhaps he experienced another spark of inspiration, and the inevitable moment that it blows up in his face came early. You should be grateful for the convenience."
"Keiko, this is serious," Noburi chided, though he aired a fist bump with her when no one was looking.
Keiko glanced at the other two refs, who shrugged. "Without any kind of evidence, we cannot make a ruling. Play will continue."
Hazou grumbled and pulled himself up from the ground.
Sasuke stepped up to take his turn, casting dispel and poring over the two balls with the Sharingan. Satisfied, he began his throw, which cruised straight before suddenly wobbling into the gutter. Sasuke glanced over at team Goketsu, his eyes flickering over his opponents one by one.
He investigated every inch of the ball but found nothing. He dug in each of the holes of the ball and pulled out what would have been a minuscule, crumpled piece of black paper, except it popped on his finger before he could pull it out, the ball dropping to the ground and cracking the wood floor, right on the line.
"Penalty, team Uchiha. Uh, I think," Sakura said, a bit puzzled. Sasuke exhaled sharply as any evidence of the crime blew away in the wind. Hinata didn't say anything, which meant she hadn't noticed it either.
Sasuke glanced straight at Hazou and gave a nod of approval before sitting down. Hazou gave him "puzzled look number 5". It's not like Hazou did anything. Mari was the one who used a genjutsu before they came in, with codeword activation. (Too bad she insisted on "performance issues".) Akane was the one who slipped tiny black explosive seals in the balls while she checked him over. Yeah, Hazou didn't do anything.
And so the match went. Trump cards kept coming and coming, and countermeasures rose to meet them. Mari sipped on a drink she'd ordered and casually flicked the straw at an unsuspecting Naruto clone in the rafters, using wind jutsu to affect the rolls. Sasuke had some kind of Raiton sapping ability that ruined one of Haru's turns. Noburi started using his water whip to throw, discreetly spilling water on the opponent's track. The refs came over again and again, much to their growing annoyance, but no additional penalties were awarded as the proof kept mysteriously vanishing.
Nonetheless, after Haru and Naruto went, there were only 3 rounds to go, and Hazou's team was almost thirty points down. Besides Lee, Sasuke's team was frighteningly accurate, whereas Hazou's team was more of a mixed bag. Still, their bag of tricks had nearly let them keep up so far, and the game wasn't over yet.
Haru looked around awkwardly before asking Noburi, "Excuse me, Noburi… My jutsu is very chakra intensive, and…in order to keep up…"
Noburi maintained a smug expression. "You need some chakra water? Of course, anything for my team," he said, pointing to the iconic barrel on his back.
Neji interjected. "Whoa, whoa, wait, this cannot be legal! Performance enhancing drugs should not be permitted!"
Noburi replied as if it were the most obvious thing in the world, "It's not a drug, it's water. I knew you were a puritan but this is just sad."
"Pedantry will win you no points with me, Goketsu."
"We're all using our jutsu, right? This is mine, just like the Byakugan enhances you. It's no different," Noburi insisted.
Neji rose to his feet, continuing his complaints and pointing passionately to accentuate his statements. "The Byakugan only enhances me. Using jutsu to enhance the performance of your teammates is unsportsmanlike!"
"Then why play in teams at all?"
Neji struggled for words at first. "That… is different. The point is to showcase how each member can contribute to the whole with their own skills, not artificially increase the abilities of others."
"That's the same thing!" Noburi protested.
Their bickering continued, the refs ignoring it entirely as they discussed the issue themselves.
Noburi was standing at this point too, he and Neji shouting in each other's faces. Sasuke and Naruto were chatting with each other, letting the refs handle it, seemingly uninterested in the conflict. Lee had started doing pushups and shouting proverbs of youth, and the rest of Goketsu made no effort to de-escalate either. Whoever attacked first would be disqualified after all.
Maybe they should've been paying more attention, because a moment later Noburi was on the ground, his now-cracked barrel leaking water everywhere. The opponents retreated from it like it was acid.
"Disqualify him! He just shoved me!" Noburi complained.
"I did no such thing! He tripped over his own feet like a buffoon!" Neji countered.
Sasuke used some kind of flame release that flash-fried the water, turning it to steam.
"It's irrelevant now, as neither of you can prove anything," Sasuke said, by this point allowing annoyance to creep into his tone.
"It is most certainly relevant when I am accused of something I did not do!" Neji said, firing up his Byakugan.
Naruto had stepped between them by this point, several clones holding each of them back. He seemed more confused than anything. "Neji, chill out. He's not worth it."
"Of course you want to fight after I lose my barrel and my water, you coward. How about I challenge you after I pluck out your eyes?"
Neji was attempting to shove the Naruto clones aside. "Now he's threatening me directly!" he yelled, using some kind of revolving chakra technique to blast the Narutos aside. Immediately after, he collapsed to the ground.
Everyone looked at each other, before rushing to his side. Noburi borrowed Hazou's chakra to run medical diagnostics. "The utter fool..." he muttered, before clarifying. "He's chakra exhausted."
Which was technically true, even if it was because Noburi had just used the remnants of the steam to sap what was left of Neji's chakra.
Sasuke said, "How could that happen? Why would he provoke a fight with Noburi, with all of us here to step in, and when he was nearly chakra exhausted? Is he really that eager to show up Noburi?"
There was a near-simultaneous smattering of yeses, even from Sasuke's team. In truth, Mari had also been using a sealless anger-inducing Genjutsu to provoke Neji. Another important lesson in the dangers of a questionable public image. Everyone was all too willing to buy the ruse.
"Well, what should we do?" Naruto asked, finally.
"Noburi could give him some chakra to wake him up," another Naruto said.
"So now I'm expected to help my opponents win after they provoke a confrontation? I don't think so. Plus, even if I gave him some chakra he'll need a day or so to recover regardless."
"Perhaps a replacement partner would be appropriate?" Rock Lee suggested.
Sasuke shook his head grimly. "There are no substitutions in Uchiha bowling. All Neji proved is that he did not have the stamina to complete the match. His turns are forfeit."
Naruto cracked his neck and gave a dastardly grin. "Well, we'll just win without him!" a Naruto said, while another clone said, "Believe it!"
Sasuke's eyes went skyward in exasperation before sitting back down at the table. Rock Lee pulled Neji's body over to an empty table and left him on it, before returning as well.
The enemy's tricks intensified. What Hazou assumed was a Naruto clone punched under his foot right as he threw, giving him only 8 pins and nearly ending his strike chain. He managed a spare and subtly signed a clone to go take out any underground Narutos still lurking. Noburi was back to throwing without his water, which hurt his performance. Sasuke pulled some kind of trick with ninja wire, sending Akane sprawling onto the lane, retracting the line before anyone could prove anything. The refs had nearly abandoned trying to catch penalties, and were basically allowing anything they didn't immediately see.
Still, with Neji out of the picture, the point gap was closing rapidly. They continued alternating, so team Uchiha finished early, with a total score of 815. Haru had one last turn, with Gokestu sitting at 803. If Haru could manage a spare, he could give them victory in the last extra roll.
He was very clearly under the pressure, his team attempting to comfort him as much as they could.
"Haru, regardless of what you do now, you are a Goketsu. Remember that," Hazou said reassuringly.
Haru nodded. "Today has made me realize that," he said, before stepping forward, grabbing the ball, and lining up his shot.
Six pins.
He exhaled sharply. Another throw. Four pins. A spare.
There was dead silence in the room, every eye trained on Haru, waiting for the Uchiha servants to reset the pins.
He tossed his final throw, Naruto sneezing with astonishing force as Haru did so. The ball drifted ever so slightly off center, nabbing him… two pins.
"NARUTO, YOU IDIOT!" Sakura yelled, throwing a pen at him.
"That was actually accidental, I swear!" His clones shoved the offender in question towards Sakura, who began energetically ruffling his hair and chastising him.
Sasuke was trying very hard not to facepalm, a sight that had become almost nostalgic to Hazou.
"So, uh, what happens when we tie?" Hazou said, all the tension of the room draining away.
Sasuke gazed over to the ref's booth, where Keiko was currently taking a nap and Hinata was playing and chatting with Pandaa, a remarkably more cheerful expression on her face. He looked back over at Naruto and Sakura bickering, and his expression softened slightly.
"Normally we would fight to the death to break a tie, but I suspect that our referees will rule it your victory. As would I, even if they didn't." He turned his whole body to Hazou, mercifully putting his robe back on. Hazou did the same immediately. "You performed like a true Uchiha today, Hazou. I look forward to seeing where you take Goketsu in the future. And, perhaps it's selfish, but I hope it's a future that includes the Uchiha, too."
Hazou smiled at him. "I'd like that, Sasuke. Just so long as it doesn't involve ripping out my nervous system."
Sasuke gave a thoughtful look. "Hmm, how would I go about doing so? I'd have to study more about the human physiology first. Perhaps Orochimaru could teach me?"
"Why would Orochimaru want to teach you anything?"
Sasuke laughed and wandered off, leaving the question hanging. That did not bode well.
Naruto and Sakura's squabble had apparently come to an end, and Sakura came his way.
She stuck out a hand. "Haruno Sakura, nice to meet you."
"But… haven't we already met?"
"Did we really though?" she said with a sly tone.
"...Goketsu Hazou. Nice to meet you, too."
"You did good out there today, Goketsu. Your team, too. You must be a great leader."
Yeah, of course she wanted to learn from Mari. Still, Hazou had been exposed to enough of this from Mari to see what she was doing.
"You know, the Goketsu are looking to adopt more respectable clanless ninja soon. How would you feel about you and your family becoming part of us?"
Sakura seemed genuinely surprised by that, and it tripped her up. She raised a skeptical eyebrow. "Is this an official offer?"
Hazou smiled deviously. "I'd need to talk it over with my family first. This is more like… asking you to help me convince them."
She gave a detached shrug, eyeing him up and down. "I could always just marry in," she said slowly, winking at Noburi and walking off.
Noburi started pummeling Hazou's shoulder jokingly. "Come on man, leave some for the rest of us!"
Hazou was approached again, by an even bigger surprise. Naruto scratched behind his head awkwardly, and said, "Hey, uh, thanks for… all this. It was… nice, seeing my old team again. We, uh, don't see each other much, since I'm, y'know, a big deal and all…"
"Believe it," Hazou said, smiling.
Naruto didn't smile back, but he didn't seem offended. "We're not cool yet, Goketsu… but, well, maybe we're getting there. Just don't threaten any more Hokages."
"You too," Hazou replied.
Naruto gave him a scowl with no anger in it, and ran off to rejoin his team, at least for a little while.
Hinata came over next, saying, "Sorry about your barrel, Noburi," genuine compassion in her voice.
"It's no biggie, I've fixed those barrels a thousand times already, I can do it again. I'm making sure Neji pays for it, though, one way or another," Noburi replied ominously.
Hinata gave a small laugh. "You two are so cute."
Noburi blinked a few times and scratched his head. "O-oh?"
Her face became pleasantly neutral. "Don't give him too hard of a time, okay? He's been through a lot. We, um… all have, these past few months…" She cleared her throat and blinked rapidly. "I think your little rivalry has been helping him more than you know. Thanks for that, Noburi."
He nodded, though he still seemed quite confused.
She started to leave as well, but not before saying, "Oh, and Hazou? We need another game night soon. Hanabi has heard the legends and she's been begging me to come."
Hazou smiled. "I'll see what I can do."
Hinata smiled back and went over to throw Neji over her shoulder, before walking out.
Rock Lee approached Hazou, but Hazou said, "I'll spar with you tomorrow if you go train right now." He didn't have the energy right now…
"A consummation of wills no one could resist! I await our inevitable tryst of Youth with bated breath." The cosmic horror that was Rock Lee was gone in an instant.
"Man, it sure is convenient that everyone wants to talk to you one at a time," Noburi remarked.
"Oh, that's probably because T̛̤̯̫͙̈̐͗h͓̲́͠ę̜͘͝ ̞̹͉͐̔̇N̰͙͊̂ḁ̺̪͇̊̄̎̈́̚͟r͔̻̱̄́́͊͐͟ͅr͓͍̗͂̓͡a̟̫͌͝t͔̆i͍̜̔̏v̩͍̪͒͒̈ê̫ ̫͗C̟͡a̯͆̅͜͞ͅn̩͂n̢̹̬̮̠͗̈̒͋̓ò͍̮̌ẗ̻́ ̥̅S̖̪̙̯̖̓̈̈̔̃us̭͇͗͞t̞͓̹̍͂̅̔͢ä̤̞͈̤͐̉͂i̳̪̾͋n̥̍ ͊ͅT̡͡w̩̟̉̑e̢͓̳̯͉͐̃̏̔͐l̝̉v͙̒e ͚̍C̡̢̢̐͋͠h͎̘̀̆a̬̼̬̼̿̇̈̌r̠̿ac͙̉̋̀͜͜te̲͝r̯̯̹͌̂̿̈ͅş̨̟͂̋̚ ̛̗̳̕S̹̮͓̓̑̍i̢̤͋̿̎ͅm̳̀u͙̣̾͋l̬̪͉̠̀̾̒̈t̠̦̝̼̿̇̂͒ă̠͎̍n̂͢è̹͈̼̰̩̏͗̈́̚o̙̱̣̒͘͘u̜̚s̼̥̏̉l̗̤͍̈͆̑͘͢y͉̠͓͙̦͗̂́́̏."
"Uh, what?"
"Hmm?" Hazo asked. "What were we talking about?"
Noburi took a step away from him.
Keiko was roused from her nap by Pandaa. "Is the testosterone fueled contest of egos already over? I am crushed to know that I missed the critical moment and can never relive it again."
"Perhaps we could make it up to Lady Nara with some steaming mugs of hot chocolate in the Goketsu estate," Hazou offered.
"That would be welcome. For some reason, chocolate seems to be much harder to come by lately," Keiko responded absently. Mari winked at Hazou. "I am eager to hear of the hijinks I've sorely missed out on. I can hardly live without it."
"It'll be good to have you around you again, Keiko, even for just a little bit. It's been so long since Uplift was all together! Kagome's going to be so excited," Akane said.
"What do you think he was doing all this time?" Haru asked.
~==~
Meanwhile…
Tentacles were smashing through the windows of the Goketsu estate, furiously searching for brains. The sky squid never forgot a scent, and there was no greater prize than Kagome himself.
"It's just you and me Fifi, just you and me." He pulled out a deck of paper, the furry aberration on his head clawing at any tentacles that got too close. "Well, you, me, and a stinking buttload of explosives!" The squids never stood a chance.
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Xilentxium
Existential Crisis Management
- Location
- Temperate Regions
Hello, long time reader first time poster.
Have there been any references to a Kei ninja named Nagase yet? And if there has been are they quietly idolizing Mari?
Have there been any references to a Kei ninja named Nagase yet? And if there has been are they quietly idolizing Mari?
- Location
- Liverpool
That is so much what I was hoping Ninja bowling would look like! Truly excellent.
- Location
- Kiev, Ukraine
- Location
- USA
- Pronouns
- He/Him
@Shrooms Thank you for the omake. Please remove the bits that are literally exactly what got us threadlocked last time. Quickly, please.
*boggle*
Nope, there's never been a character named Nagase onscreen, so no such KEI ninja exists. Why?
The Chinese invented a system of writing that specifies neither the pronunciation nor the meaning? And the Japanese voluntarily adopted it?Well, I can't comment on the weird use of English and Japanese in the Narutoverse, but in this case it sounds like a typical way of stating which kanji to use and which reading to use for it, albeit with a neat rhetorical twist.
The sound "kei" is used for many different kanji, so without context clues or seeing the word written out it's hard to know which character and therefore meaning the speaker is using. For example, the name "Keiko" could mean "blessed child", "respectful child", etc. but if you say "Keiko, as is in megumi (blessing 恵み) " or "Keiko, as in sonkei (respect 尊敬)" the listener will know exactly which kanji to write and by extension, the meaning.
Similarly, most kanji have multiple readings (sounds) that can be used, so seeing just the character/s won't tell you how to pronounce them without context clues or familiarity. This situation comes up a fair amount with names, so it's not uncommon for someone to specify the reading. For example, if you read 新垣 (a common Okinawan family name) on someone's nametag, you might try and get their attention by calling "Mr. Shingaki! Can I have a moment?", only for him to say "It's actually read Arakaki, but, sure, what is it?"
So in this case, by both specifying the writing and the reading of the new Clan name in such a dramatic way, the Kei clan founders are stating in no uncertain terms, "This is who we are and what we stand for. Make no mistake!"
It's really cool writing.
*boggle*
Welcome! Nice to have you. How did you find us?
Nope, there's never been a character named Nagase onscreen, so no such KEI ninja exists. Why?
Noumero
Omit Needless Words
We should tell her about Lord Jashin, the God of Life, and the transcendent joy of having your faith in Him validated each time you near death and are saved by His grace.
The world is such a cruel place.
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- Location
- UK
- Pronouns
- He/Him
Perils of a context-heavy language. However, every Japanese person above a certain age (kanji learning happens gradually over your childhood) would recognise this character, its meaning, and its common readings. Since, to the best of my knowledge, this one does not occur independently, the Kei Clan motto serves to clarify that they are emphasising respect, rather than its other related meanings like honour or courtesy. Anyone seeing the crest will, of course, still be aware of them.
"Written as X; read as Y" ("X to kaite, Y to yomu") is a linguistic trope that plays with the mechanics of the Japanese language. I first encountered it in the romcom anime Seto no Hanayome (somewhat unimaginatively localised as "My Bride is a Mermaid"). The mermaid mafia clan (I love anime) has the motto "Written as 'ninkyo' [chivalrous spirit]; read as 'ningyo' [mermaid]!" The relevant characters are briefly shown onscreen, with dramatic animation, every time someone says it.
AFAIK, all written languages have phonetic components.