Emstar
The Shining One
- Location
- Trapped in an extradimensional rift.
- Pronouns
- She/They
You forgot to offer him warm milk first.
Marked for Death: A Rational Naruto Quest
- Thread starter eaglejarl
- Start date
-
- Tags
- naruto rationalist romance armageddon is looking better and better damn you kishimoto explosions everywhere explosives solve everyone if in doubt surrender to the mercy of zabuza it seemed like a good idea at the time looks like a really bad case of being a jōnin my god. where does the lore end? precommitting is the winning plan screaming in kagome screw the rules i have explosives something bad might still happen sometimes you gotta sociopath stabby zabby subsection c of paragraph 9 should include we can weaponize this so hard open voting
Tua
鸡肉面条汤
- Location
- شوربة الدجاج المعكرونة
Why? Shikamaru isn't a cat.
And a quick Google image agrees. The closest result I got was this:
DYF.
- Location
- Poland
- Pronouns
- He/Him
You shouldn't give milk to cats anyway. They can't digest lactose. It's a harmful myth.
Nara, however, appreciate warm milk. And a backrub. Probably.
Though I doubt Keiko would be willing to give one...
Emstar
The Shining One
- Location
- Trapped in an extradimensional rift.
- Pronouns
- She/They
So sure about that, are you? It will put him to sleep regardless, I suspect.
Caption: Team 7 is about to get wrecked by one pissed off Bulbasaur.And a quick Google image agrees. The closest result I got was this:
Also, my own google fu disagrees with you!
Shikamaru is clearly a cat.
- Location
- Kiev, Ukraine
Why stick to single social plan when we have several?
- Bribe: 20 hours
- Hagle to lower
- Intimidate: promise to make his life miserable
- As his future wife
- As a person who can intimidate/bribe/ask for personal favor his assistant
- As a member of the most creative Leaf team
- Smartassery: call his bluff on Wooden Release
- Still not good idea to make this publicly
- May get us a free tag for other approaches
- More?
If something is good enough for Shikamaru, it's good enough for us:
[jk] Action Plan: Heir of the Sage
[jk] Action Plan: Heir of the Sage
- Have Pangolins prepare pitfalls of varying sizes all over the arena before the match
- Have Pangolins+Hazou/Noburi hide underground to activate them on command
- Open the fight with: "Your clan is not the only one who seduced someone's bastard son!"
- Laugh maniacally at the end of your sentences
- Keep forming random hand seals during the fight
- Whenever Shikamaru steps onto a pitfall, point your palms at him and shout: "Path of the Deva: Gravity Release!"
- Location
- NY
Keiko vs Sanity feat. Shika?
- Location
- Potato land
Meanwhile, somewhere in the audience.
PEIN: They know. Konan, give the signal.
KONAN: Yes.
Noumero
Omit Needless Words
...
[х] Action Plan: Heir of the Sage
Chapter 246: The Tournament, Round Three, Fight 2
- Location
- UK
- Pronouns
- He/Him
Chapter 246: The Tournament, Round Three, Fight 2
December 26, afternoon.
Kei had never anticipated having to face the crowds without a plan. Part A, the verbal battle of wits, would have been difficult at the best of times, pitting the likes of Noburi's dubious wisdom and Pankurashun's alien experience against Ino's professional coaching and Shikamaru's ability to improvise without wrestling with his Bloodline Limit. In her current mental state… she might as well have been attempting to seduce Kagome. Without explosives.
"If I may?" Shikamaru addressed her.
Kei nodded apathetically. She had just been betrayed by one of the eight people she trusted, compelled to sever her remaining ties with a second, and was about to be forced to inflict pain and humiliation on the third. All of it her fault. All of it avoidable. Even this battle she could have forfeited with little consequence were the clan's position stronger—something with which she could have assisted had she not selfishly wasted time on childish romance.
She recognised her own failure. She recognised her own weaknesses. What could Shikamaru possibly say to her that she had not repeated to herself endlessly over the last few hours?
Shikamaru solved the problem but not speaking to her at all.
He directed his attention to the crowd.
"I believe I have provided satisfactory demonstration of my clan's power in the present. As I am its heir, you have also witnessed the potential in its future. Now, in exchange for all the entertainment I've given you so far, allow me for a brief moment to reflect upon its past."
His voice was leisurely, academic, a clear contrast to the varied mockery and aggression he had displayed against Ikeda. Kei was no more capable of reading the crowd than she was a book as yet unwritten, but she suspected that the silence around them was born of curiosity. What new trick was the magician about to reveal that warranted this kind of introduction?
She could not deny her curiosity either. Knowing as she did that all of this was building up to some catastrophic blow intended to plunge her into despair, the journey there might as well be interesting.
"Every shinobi child can name a handful of the clans whose power or skill has earned them a place in legend. The Hyūga. The Chikamatsu. The Fūma. The Sakamoto. The Uchiha. The Uzumaki. A dozen more. Yet in that entire list of names, only one is not a clan but an alliance. Why?
"Centuries ago, long before history as we know it, the Yamanaka were feared as spies whose targets would beg for the chance to surrender information; the Akimichi were feared for literally crushing all who stood against them. Yet it was not for their power that the Nara joined with them. No, it was the fact that these clans alone had the wisdom to realise that an alliance could be so much more than a brief union against a common enemy. It is a wisdom eventually rediscovered by Senju Hashirama, who wielded it to reshape the world. It is a wisdom even now being contemplated by the Hokage and the Mizukage.
"Three in harmony surpasses one in perfection. That is the motto of the Ino-Shika-Chō."
Shikamaru raised his voice. "Why should you care?
"Because the truth I wish to share with you is that the Nara do not merely advise, as so many believe. We do not merely do battle as I have demonstrated that we can. The Nara connect, as we have done since our earliest days. Whether they be the mysteries of the world or the plots of great clans, it is we who assemble the pieces to make a new whole."
He allowed his voice to fall again, to settle at a cool intensity that must have been the fruit of extensive practice with his teammates. He slowly swept his gaze over the audience.
"Of everyone gathered here, I alone know which of you have made secret pacts with the Nara. I alone know which of your rivals have made secret pacts with the Nara. And I alone have a bird's eye view of how it all connects."
You could have heard a pin drop.
"However," Shikamaru gave a faint smile, "I am not here to threaten you with the Nara's invisible power. Instead, I have an announcement to make which will illustrate it. A pact to be fulfilled before your very eyes."
He gestured at Kei, who had to suppress the instinct to step back in alarm as hundreds of heads instantly swivelled towards her.
"I hereby announce the engagement of Nara Shikamaru, heir to the Nara Clan, with Gōketsu Keiko, daughter to the Fifth Hokage!"
The cheering and applause originated from no more than a dozen points in the audience at first, but after a few seconds the ripples grew wider, amplified each other, until Kei could barely hear herself think for the cacophony of congratulation.
She was almost grateful.
Eventually, Shikamaru raised his right hand to call for silence.
"However, I believe you would all agree that it is both inappropriate and inauspicious for one of the happy pair to violently dominate the other within minutes of announcing their engagement. Thus, insofar as my fiancée has already proved herself worthy to be the Nara consort—and insofar as out of the two of us, she is the one with the huge flesh-rending living war machines—I do not hesitate to entrust her with the clan's honour in the coming finals."
He raised his hand further, straightening his arm.
"I forfeit. Thank you all for your time."
-o-
They had commandeered a private room at the nearest café, feeling no need to break with tradition. This being Mist, there was no need for death threats to ensure the proprietor's discretion, as those were implied by virtue of him being a civilian interacting with ninja.
"How dare you?" Kei hissed as soon as they were alone, hoping her anger would not fail her this time.
"It was a necessary manoeuvre," Shikamaru said in an infuriatingly matter-of-fact voice. "I understand your anger at being denied the opportunity to demonstrate your abilities. However, it was necessary for the announcement to have the weight of so many witnesses behind it, and I could not count on both of us being in a fit state after the match—neither of us could have pulled our punches, for obvious reasons.
"It was, as I say, necessary. The Nara's relationship with the Gōketsu has grown much stronger due to our role in supporting Jiraiya's rule, and the alliance, if properly steered, offers the potential for us to interact with the Mori without the need for intermediaries. In other words, your political value has depreciated greatly compared to when our clans first made the agreement. There are increasing calls for you to be married to one of my cousins so that my hand may remain available and provide options for managing the shifting status quo."
Naturally. Kei could not even feign surprise at popular belief that she had no intrinsic value.
"However," Shikamaru's voice grew more firm, "I emphatically disagree. You, Gōketsu Keiko, are my perfect wife..."
Kei's vision blurred, together with her thoughts. She had been certain that no one would say those words to her in her entire lifetime.
"…insofar as my projections indicate that the other options will be worse," Shikamaru clarified.
Naturally. Her vision did not unblur.
"I have grown weary," Shikamaru continued, "of others believing that because apathy is my default condition, it is my only condition, and that they should therefore make all my decisions in my stead. My father, who took a wife of his choice over widespread objection, has no right to complain if I force his hand so I may do the same."
The sheer brutal irony of it fed the anger, suppressed the pain.
"You expressed it as a statement," she spat. "It never occurred to you to ask."
Shikamaru frowned. "Why would I? You have made your preferences clear. Granted, there was a case to be made for keeping you in the loop on internal clan dynamics, but we have both been busy, and it could only have upset you at a time when you needed to be calm and collected. It seemed unwise to raise the subject in advance."
"You could have asked!" Kei exclaimed. "At any point in the process, you could have asked! Even at the final moment, when your plan for me was in full flow, you could have shown some symbolic interest in my opinion and presented the engagement as a request!"
"I still don't understand why you're upset," Shikamaru said calmly. "You're not the type of person to wish for a cliché romantic proposal before the eyes of the world."
No, Kei was not. Romantic proposals were a meaningless experience. Mere pandering to social expectations. Meant for other people.
"So you are the one to choose," Kei said, "based on your knowledge of who I am. The one to produce the map and chart the course."
She rose from her seat, her hands pushing down on the table.
"I am not even an obstacle to you people, am I? I am a feature of the landscape!"
Her vision remained blurred. Where was her strength when she needed it most? Where was her ice?
"That simply isn't true, Keiko," Shikamaru said with unnatural patience as he looked up at her. "I only chose you to be my wife out of the deep respect I have for you and the way you think. Of course your preferences matter to me."
"Then why did you not ask? It would have been the work of seconds for you to demonstrate that you cared about my agency. The work of seconds to suspend your calculations and address me as a friend undergoing a life-changing experience rather than a milestone on your road to a satisfactory married life!"
"I apologise," Shikamaru said. His gaze fell away from hers, though only by a few degrees. "I did not realise that you would consider the formalities to have a significant emotional aspect. I assumed that bypassing them would only make matters easier for you, rather than displaying disrespect for your right to participate."
Formalities? Was that how he perceived her agency as an individual? That she craved to be the one to tick the boxes? That she was some self-centred child who erupted into hysterics if she was not permitted to join the game?
"Here," Shikamaru said, drawing forth a large scroll. "I was uncertain when to present you with this, but it seems this is a good time."
He unfurled it, the spread covering most of the table.
Kei blinked several times, but the script was small and her eyes still insufficiently clear.
"This," Shikamaru said, "is a contract outlining the rights and responsibilities you would possess as one marrying into the Nara Clan. There is no need for you to sign it at this early stage, though it is not forbidden either—it will not be considered valid until after the marriage ceremony in any case. However, I hope that presenting it to you now will reassure you that I wish to accommodate your desire to be a full participant in our engagement at every juncture. It is also intended to prove that final consent or otherwise belongs to you, and always did."
Kei stared at the enormous scroll in a daze. Shikamaru, presenting his secret weapon: an opportunity to grant consent to the decision he had already made for her. The secret weapon being a list of laws by which she was to be bound as a result of said decision.
That scroll was Ami, loyal family as long as Kei fulfilled the necessary conditions—and not a second longer. That scroll was Hazō, rendering her personhood conditional on her serving the greater good as he perceived it. That scroll was the Gōketsu and the Nara: it was the receipt proving she had been bought and sold, and applied for the intended purpose before her value could depreciate too far. It was even the Pangolin Summoning Scroll, a contract in its own right, defining her as a tool to facilitate the exchange of gold and firepower from one side for world domination from the other.
That scroll was the entirety of her value in this world.
When she left, Shikamaru was still staring at the kunai stuck deep into the tabletop.
-o-
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-o-
What do you do?
Voting closes on Wednesday 13th of February, 4 p.m. London Time. Note the extended deadline.
Voting closes on Wednesday 13th of February, 4 p.m. London Time. Note the extended deadline.
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Powerofmind
In Madness Fallen
- Location
- United States
So Kei has a problem that really needs to be addressed, since she's literally breaking down at the moment.
- Location
- Europe
[X] Plan: Drink alcohol
- Location
- Yes.
No, because no such thing will exist.
- Location
- The Maple Syrup Mountains
Reposting the plan once again, if anyone has anything to say about it let me know.
Word Count: 399
[X] Action Plan: Reasonable Handling of New Information.
Word Count: 399
[X] Action Plan: Reasonable Handling of New Information.
- Add to Pandaa's message that there will probably be more Ami developments and we don't want to leave Keiko's feelings and input out when they happen.
- Talk to Noburi:
- He deserves a proper explanation about Ami.
- There was a reason that we haven't mentioned: we hoped there was a chance Ami and Keiko could reconcile.
- Maybe Ami was trying to keep Keiko safe from the Mori. It's plausible, if Ami was worried that they'd get to Keiko.
- We didn't want to give her false hope, though, and that's part of why we didn't want to tell her about Ami beforehand.
- We also didn't want to make Noburi keep a secret from Keiko too.
- Hazou is sorry for how things turned out. Does Noburi think he was wrong to even try?
- On the topic of estranged family... (Don't be pushy)
- He seemed upset his sisters didn't talk to him after his match.
- Does he want to go talk to them? We've got your back, if you want to.
- We're leaving Mist soon, and don't know when we'll be back. Are you alright leaving things like this?
- Ask about how he thinks we can help Keiko when she comes back.
- Avoid Shikamaru, it'll be better to be calm when we confront him and he probably has enough on his plate already.
- (Once the second Ami letter arrives)
- Grab Noburi and show the letter to Jiraiya. Help him find a clean shirt. In the process, quickly confirm conclusions:
- Letter #1 was deliberately leaked through a compromised courier, implying courier #2 wasn't compromised.
- Letter #2 leaves us the choice to go along with the marriage or not.
- Letter #1 was pretty aggressive: likely signals that she prefers the former option.
- If we run out of time, cover these later.
- Once Jiraiya returns, discuss the situation (include Noburi and Keiko, if present):
- How long before we leave Mist?
- Second meeting with Ami. Should it happen? If so:
- Should we seek a honest answer regarding whether she's in danger/wants a political marriage?
- Would require better OPSEC. A walk across the bay, then a picnic?
- We're a bit shaken from recent events. Any advice?
- If Jiraiya approves, send a letter. Contents:
- Decline the favour.
- Set up the second meeting.
- Place: "near" a random restaurant.
- Time: tomorrow? (Jiraiya's call.)
- Clear this section with Jiraiya:
- Watch today's matches.
- If anyone talks about Hazou and Ami: no comment.
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TaliesinSkye
Occasional Editor
- Location
- Northeast Ohio, United States
Sooooo, who's up for a plan that involves telling Ami that Keiko /really fucking needs her help right about now/?
Edit:
On the other hand, maybe Keiko takes this in the ascend direction on her own rather than the break direction and becomes something like Ami, with her own agenda that she makes everyone else dance to. I'm not sure I want to take the risk, though. Both directions have their downsides, but ascend is better than break.
Edit:
On the other hand, maybe Keiko takes this in the ascend direction on her own rather than the break direction and becomes something like Ami, with her own agenda that she makes everyone else dance to. I'm not sure I want to take the risk, though. Both directions have their downsides, but ascend is better than break.
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- Location
- Yes.
@Inferno Vulpix General thought: Keiko seems to think that we've betrayed her, and I really think we need to get on top of that. Like RIGHT NOW.
What concerns are being envisioned here, out of curiosity?
- Location
- Australia
No. That will just screw her up more. She needs someone like Akane not Ami.
TaliesinSkye
Occasional Editor
- Location
- Northeast Ohio, United States
How do we convince Keiko that we didn't betray her and just wanted to save her the pain of having to think about Ami, though? It seems like she'll interpret anything in the worst possible way right now.
- Location
- The Maple Syrup Mountains
It would be a bit metagamey to change our treatment of Keiko based on this update, I feel. We know that she's really upset and hurt by what Hazou did, and we know that she's been going through a tough time recently in general, but we don't know that she's doing this badly.
e: We can certainly try to do something to make her feel better, though, if we can think of anything. I would've supported such an attempt just based on what I'd seen from the prior updates (though Keiko's such an emotional minefield right now I'm not sure it's even possible)
e: We can certainly try to do something to make her feel better, though, if we can think of anything. I would've supported such an attempt just based on what I'd seen from the prior updates (though Keiko's such an emotional minefield right now I'm not sure it's even possible)
The first letter from Ami contained Bad News, so for all Keiko and Noburi knows a second one is going to be just as crazy. It also helps set the tone of how we share it with them, which I think helps.
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