This sight proved entirely too much, a swelling of emotion I could not contain. I left immediately, lest I make a scene, rushing out to the carriages until I found one which could take me back to the guest estate.
I cannot cry, obviously, I have no means of generating tears, sadness brings me no shortness of breath. But I found a room in that unfamiliar manor to claim and I simply broke down. I am ashamed of it, ashamed to be writing about it, but at the same time I think it was well-earned, given my circumstances, the sheer unfairness of the world, to dangle hope in front of me and snatch it away like that, to confuse and confound me at every turn, to not even give give me room enough to dismiss my feelings and return to normal. Oh, how I longed for normal. It wouldn't be what I wanted, but it would be
something. I could live with it.
My Miss returned two and a half hours later, I could hear her staggering about, before heading to her bedroom. About now I ought to be helping her: layout out her nightclothes, drawing her a a bath if she desired, talking about her day with her. I felt no desire to do any of it, and she either had the good sense to leave me alone or was too drunk to bother looking. I didn't much care which, much.
Oh, I was concerned for her, I am not heartless after all, but in the moment I felt a much greater concern for myself. For hours, I even entertained the thought of quitting, though even writing that now makes me feel uneasy. I would not, I would never, but it seemed like the only thing I could do to regain control over my life at this point.
I do not know what I'll do now, so I will try to find sleep, though I am bitter and exhausted and envious.
---
The next morning, I did resolve that I would stay. But in doing so, I realised that I could no longer allow my emotions to get in the way of my work. I must be diligent, task-focused, and unbiased. I must be a machine.
I went through our usual morning routine (modified for the omnipresent heat) with all the efficiency I could muster and as few words as I could manage. I pulled back her curtains to wake her with the morning light. I drew her bath, fetched her breakfast, made her tea, helped her dress, and in that time I barely looked at her, felt as if doing so would simply be too much for me. She tried, at first, to engage in half-hearted conversation, but she soon trailed off. For my part, the only words I said to her were 'yes, miss', whenever she had a request.
I was not aiming to shame her, but I must say I did an excellent job, for I could tell she realized her error by mid-morning and attempted to apologize. A great part of me wanted to accept, to offer her forgiveness easily, gratitude that she even noticed, but no, I did my best to give it the minimal acknowledgement. She does not have to apologize to me. She owes me nothing but my wage, I owe her nothing but my work.
She left, to visit her friend, or perhaps her new suitor, I did not ask. I stayed, and sat in my room and was quite unsure. At first I attempted to read, but my eyes simply slid off the words uselessly. My books held little appeal in my current situation.
Eventually, I resolved to get up and find somebody to talk to. I wanted to find one of the other members of staff and talk to them, but they all knew me too well, they would ask uncomfortable questions about why I was not with Miss Polestar, and I did not much want to give answers. But then I remembered Tessa, who was new to the crew and had little reason to know the comings and goings of the Miss. I could talk to her.
I will admit that perhaps I had some other ideas as well, though vague and unformed. You must understand, I am barely holding together.
---
I found Tessa in the guest estate's workshop, happily tinkering away at what appeared to be her left leg. On my entrance, she turned, and gave me a smile. "Hey there, Miss Marie. Looking for a check up? Lemmie just get ma leg on."
"Why is your leg
off?" The sight of it was enough to make me rather woozy, as was the far that in order to detach it, she was merely wearing underclothes.
"Why're yours on?" She replied with a smirk, "I'm jus' kiddin' about. Was feelin' a little short in the ol' leftie here, had some weird compression in the joint, which I guess is what I get fer tinkering with ma bits so much."
I had… reservations about that particular phrasing, though her tone seemed entirely innocent.
"Why do you do so much customizing?" I asked. "If it isn't rude to ask."
"It's not, don't worry. Couple reasons. One is that there's a lot of me from a lot of different places and they don't always play nice. And for another… well, once you start messin' about with how you look, there ain't much reason to stop." she explained.
I thought I had an idea what she meant, about messing about with how you look. To the best of my research, they truly did not make female mechanics, which meant she did that herself. I could not comprehend why, but to each their own, I suppose.
"So what brings you to the shop? Everything working okay?"
"More or less. Mostly, I just want somebody to talk to. Miss Polestar has left for the manor and I have no duties to speak of. I'm a bit lonely." I explained.
I may have said too much with that, as Tessa gave me an odd look.
"Lonely, huh?"
"... yes." I confessed. It seems my clever scheme to avoid talking about this had already failed. "That is the word I chose."
I ended up, with some prodding, explaining everything to her.
Everything, we had quite a few hours with nothing else to do. She was entirely sympathetic, to my surprise, and she seemed to have a very good understanding of what I was going through. She was not judgemental as I feared, though she was quick to warn that others would be.
"Ya gotta understand, I have been in a position not unlike yours, once or twice." she said frankly, "What can I say? Even humans know I'm hot. It's complicated though, an' messy. Never really ended all that great for me either, but that don't mean it weren't worth it each an' every time."
"But there's nothing. Miss Polestar doesn't see me in such terms, and even if she did, it would ruin her. She has so many other things to worry about. And she has her new suitor, it appears."
"Unless she just kissed a guy randomly at a party." Tessa said.
"She would
never, how dare you!" I said, and she raised her hands in mock surrender.
"But… ain't that what you just said she did? There's defending her honour, and then there's denyin' reality. But you're right, she does have her own things going on. So what are
you going to do?"
"Sulk, I think."
"An when you're done with that?"
"I haven't thought that far. I have… considered that I may q-quit. But I don't think I could go through with it, but to spend the next century with her, but not… not with her."
"There there, love, I completely understand. For what it's worth, you might be on the right track if ya really can't handle it. I know all you young machines are terrified of quitting, but it can really be the healthiest thing sometimes. On the other hand… even if your miss does find herself a man she can stand, and from what you say about her I somewhat doubt it…"
"I… did not mean to give such an impression…" I tried to protest, but Tessa carried on regardless.
"Believe me, yer miss bein' married don't have to mean all that much."
I was so scandalized to even think such a thing that I very nearly fainted on the spot!
"I… I do not even know how to process that." I said, blushing immensely. "That is so far beyond the pale I'm afraid I do not know how to react."
"Just sayin' it how it is. A few jobs back, I was working for this couple who weren't getting on so well, lets say, which made things a mite interesting."
"Do not tell me you slept with a married man!" I asked, astonished.
"Oh, well, I won't. Instead, I'll tell ya I slept with the both of 'em. Lovely couple, strange though. They patched things up quite nice, and helped me stress test a few new modifications to boot. All in all, a wonderful time." she said.
Needless to say, I was completely mortified, and spent this portion of the conversation attempting to forcefully sink into the wall.
"Alright, my apologies, didn't mean to make you so uncomfortable. I'm just saying." she said.
"You might not have meant to, but you have certainly done a thorough job." I said. "Regardless of anything else, you have certainly given me advice that I know not to follow today."
"Well, glad to be of service." Tessa mimed tipping a hat to me, grinning.
If nothing else, today I have learned that you cannot in fact go to the mysterious older machine for advice and have all your problems solved. In fact, it seems to perhaps be a path to more and greater problems. Still, it felt like a weight had lifted.
---
You are having a wonderful afternoon with Mister Lovelace! It may have been something of a spontaneous event yesterday, and you do feel awful about Marie, but she'll talk to you when she's ready. In the meantime, you must use the time you have here wisely, and he is a very wise use of your time indeed.
What activities do you undertake with him tomorrow?
[ ] It turns out he is a fan, discreetly, of the same series of truly awful romance novelas, a series of sometimes quite controversial books that you have rarely been able to talk about with anyone else. And he has such a lovely reading room with some cozy loveseats...
[ ] At his suggestion, you are partaking in a trip to the beach! The Lovelace family maintains a truly stunning private beach, and you will be able to spend the whole day in his company with no chance of any interruption.
[ ] Whilst Haragrem-2 is owned and maintained by the Lovelace family, it is a holiday destination for some, and thus, there is a small down only a shuttle ride away! Mister Lovelace has therefore invited you to go shopping with him, and it only seems appropriate that you use the opportunity to find some clothes that will catch his eye.
