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In the Shadow of Heaven [SFF]

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Yan is about to graduate from the top theological school in the populated universe...
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Well, I just read through Chapter 1 only, but I find it odd that from your description, Yan is someone studying in a theological school, and dreams of taking a xenobiology job for years, but I have absolutely no idea why does Yan want that xenobiology job. There's no hint, nothing. You didn't even mention the word xenobiology in the entirety of Chapter 1. I'm sorry if I come across as nitpicky, but if you put xenobiology in your description, I should expect xenobiology to appear in some form within Chapter 1 at least.

Also, your narrative prose could use some improvement.

noodle said:
Simultaneously, both girls bowed and silently said a short prayer.
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Could just be shortened to "Both girls bowed and silently said a short prayer," because unless it's really important to the plot, I don't need to know that they're bowing at the exact same time. There's quite a lot of redundant words in your prose, and that's really the main problem. I suggest you look into subtext.

Anyway, that is all from me, and best of luck in writing.
 
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