Imperial Officer's Uplifting Primer: A Guide to Surviving the Terrors of Bureaucracy Long Enough...
Imperial Officer's Uplifting Primer (Warhammer 40k)
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Imperial Officer's Uplifting Primer: A Guide to Surviving the Terrors of Bureaucracy Long Enough to Reach the Battlefield and Conveniently Misplace the Gaggle of Far Too Eager and Youthful Orderlies Desiring to Commit Heresy Via Non-Approved Courting Rituals
Memoirs of Jack Davis, Lord General Militant, Sector Nova Tellus, Segmentum Tempestus
Volume 1: Hurry Up and Wait - Garrison Duty
Log 1: "Lieutenant was a tough, but rewarding time in my career. Captain, now that was the greatest privilege that I damn well had! Colonel was when things starting taking a turn, but I still got the chance to smite the foes of mankind regularly! Even as a General I was able to go out and inspect the lines timed just before an enemy attack came! God Emperor bless you with greater foresight than I my young officers, but if someone in a fancy hat offers you a promotion to General Militant, by his Holiness don't deal with the demon in disguise unless you have to! Do you have any idea how long it's been since I've had a proper fight!? Those damned Munitorum pricks and their Emperor forsaken paperwork can shove it up their collective a-"
Excerpt from Lord General Militant Jack Davis to the 7821st graduating class of the Nova American Imperial Infantryman's Officer's Academy
Redacted Notes: Lord Davis was reportedly heavily imbibing in the offered stocks of Amasec prior to, during, and after his speech. He was later found to have started an altercation at a local pub against a fairly prominent Rogue Trader while her retinue, and the Lord's command staff attempted to stop the violence to no avail. Said Rogue Trader and the Lord himself proceeded to verbally assault, physically manhandle, and evade the local authorities, disappearing into the night.
Lord General Militant Davis would return to his office the next morning disheveled, but unharmed with only a worn tricorne hat to cover himself.
The Lord General could not be reached for comment.
---
Location: Nova Americae, Fort Dusk, New Yorktown
Date: 747.M41, 0500
POV: Lord General Militant Jack Davis
Thought of the Day: Wake early so that you may cleanse the galaxy of the enemies of- what is this!? Sweetener!? Who was the fool that brewed my morning recaff!?
---
*Knock knock*
The booming sounds of and physical thrum of shells falling all along the defensive line is a familiar and almost comforting cacophony of noise. Fortunately, Orkish guns are amateurish replicas of their proper Imperial counterparts and their gunners are inept fools that cannot count up the number of digits they have with both hands and feet visible!
The bombardment was sure to continue, but I can rest easy knowing my men and I will easily weather this measly barrage of harmless explosives thundering across no man's land and creating even more obstacles for the hated greenskins to overcome-
*Knock knock!*
!!!
Close… quite a bit closer than I'd like…
Was there a Warboss of some note among the enemy? Well, good! It has been too long since I have fought a… somewhat competent foe in the name of Man!
Come then! Hurry to me and meet your doom upon my thirsting blade and hungry bolt pistol-
*KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK-*
"Huargh!? Wha-? Where? The Orks! Why am I in my bed!? Sergeant Major, report! Never mind my injuries, I must see to the men-" I rip the sheets off of my scarred, but powerful body and jump out of my overly soft Emperor sized bed and move to secure my weapons!
Clothing and armor be damned, there were Xenos to slay-
The door to the room opens!
"Ah, impeccable timing as always Sergeant Major! Quickly, update me on the situation whilst I arm myself for battle!" Turning away from the slowly creaking double doors that could reliably fit three Astartes in holy Terminator Armor through the gap, I throw off the pillows and bend over to grab my old Power Sword and Bolt Pistol!
"Err, Lord General Militant? Is everything alright? I was told to come and fetch you for the astro teleconference- heep!?" The far too delightful and innocent voice of a young woman calls out, huffing against the weight of the double doors before she yelps shrilly!
That is decidedly not the voice of my most dutiful and loyal enlisted man!
It is of no consequence! The Greenskins must be close indeed for the Sergeant Major to send the obviously panicked and untested PDF Trooper to call me to battle!
Hold on Mayfield! I swore that I'd get you back home to your wife and daughter in one piece!
I turn around, bandoleer of ammunition slung across my chest and weapons in hand!
"Where is the enemy trooper!? Brief me en route whilst you debrief me, come! We must hurry to the battle-" Utilizing the reflexes honed over decades of war, I easily bat away the data slate that flies my way with the flat of my blade!
A traitor!? No, this cannot be! The archenemy is foul indeed, to seduce such a promising maiden with the temptations of the foul powers while we are battling the Xenos-
"L-Lord General! P-please! Put on some clothing!" The girl squeaks, ineffectively placing her hands over her eyes only to splay her fingers to allow her widened eyes to see clearly past her attempt at blinding herself-
Ah?
What?
The ludicrously expensive gold antique clock next to my equally decadent oaken nightstand chooses this very moment to begin ringing.
Oh, yes, that's right. I was supposed to have a briefing with the newly mustering battlegroup forces that have arrived in system at 0600-
"Turn around dear girl! For shame!" I roar commandingly and decidedly do not fluster about ineffectively while fumbling with the safety of my pistol and the power field of my glowing sword.
"H-hah? Uh, y-yes sir! Sorry sir!" The red-faced lieutenant yelps, snaps to attention, and performs a perfect about face, staring straight like a properly trained troop!
Unfortunately for me there just so happens to be a large mirror outside the entrance to my unnecessarily large room so that I may inspect myself one last time before attending to the day's activities.
"M-my Lord, I can still see everything!" She needlessly notes, voice hitching and expression changing to reflect her growing sense of panic!
Oh for the love of-
"Left face! Forward, march!" I order with all the dignity I can muster and the flushed woman quickly takes off at a pace just at the edge of what would be considered proper speed and foot distance for a quick time pace.
With a satisfied (mortified) grunt, I take the opportunity while no one is watching to rub my face with my hands before heading off towards the opulence that is my new bathing room.
Mayfield, why in the Eye of Terror did I ever decide to allow you to transfer back to the PDF?
With that last thought I begin the daily ritual that every Guardsmen no matter their rank must do.
Namely shit, shower, and shave.
---
"..." I cannot help the hand that once again finds its way to palm my face.
"G-good morning Sir! Please forgive me for my earlier t-t-transgression this morning!" The shapely blonde butterbar whimpers into the wall of the end of the hallway.
She continues marching forward, grinding her face and body against the painting commissioned by the Planetary Governor of me.
Her face, already the color of a lasbolt gains a radiance on par with that of a hotshot charge when you take notice of exactly where her face and lips are smashed against when it comes to my position in the painting.
"I-if my Lord pleases, c-could you by chance order me to stop marching? A few people have already passed by and I don't think I could handle another officer laughing at me…" She mumbles, the… condensation from her heavy breathing continuing to darken the oils of the paint picturing an area decidedly not proper by any means.
She squeaks, fearfully this time when I grip a single hand on top of her head and forcefully turn her around, freezing her in her tracks from the palpable discontent leaking from my well practiced and terrifying glare.
"What is your name and who is the Fucking Idiot that assigned you to be my new orderly?" I rumble with a question that isn't.
"S-sir! 2nd Lieutenant Sally-Anne Mayfield reporting as ordered by Lord Commissar Ingram on the recommendations of Sergeant Major John Mayfield! I look forward to working with you Sir!" The girl belts out in a respectable volume and only a small hitch in her initial introduction-
"Mayfield? As in John Mayfield, the Sergeant Major assigned to 5th American PDF Infantry, veteran most recently of the Tyrannic War, and husband to Marie-Anne Mayfield nee Miller?" I seriously and mechanically growl out while drawing in close enough that our noses are nearly touching.
Hiding a flinch even as her rosy cheeks burn to temperatures that would cause cascading critical failures in the containment field of a Plasma Cannon, she gulps and nods minutely, causing her nose to touch mine for an infinitesimally short moment of time.
Pulling back, I snuff out the sigh building in the back of my throat much like I would have this girl in the cradle if I could have before pushing her cracked and dented data slate into her surprised and noticeably generous chest barely contained by her Officer's Carapace.
Without waiting to waiting to watch her scramble in an effort to keep the data slate from falling, I artfully snap to the side in a well practiced right face and begin calmly walking down the hall at a pace just slow enough that her shorter stature can keep up at a brisk half jog.
"M-my Lord!?"
"Come Lieutenant! The Enemies of Man will not patiently await for you to finish floundering!"
"Y-yes Sir! Right away Sir!"
"And forget everything that transpired this morning lest I have you mind wiped!"
"Of course Sir! As you command Lord Militant!" I can already imagine her screwing up her face in an attempt to literally carry out that order.
God Emperor help me…
My oldest friend's daughter simply cannot be this foolish!
---
On the next episode of IOUP
Memoirs of Jack Davis, Lord General Militant, Sector Nova Tellus, Segmentum Tempestus
Volume 1: Hurry Up and Wait - Garrison Duty
Log 1: "Lieutenant was a tough, but rewarding time in my career. Captain, now that was the greatest privilege that I damn well had! Colonel was when things starting taking a turn, but I still got the chance to smite the foes of mankind regularly! Even as a General I was able to go out and inspect the lines timed just before an enemy attack came! God Emperor bless you with greater foresight than I my young officers, but if someone in a fancy hat offers you a promotion to General Militant, by his Holiness don't deal with the demon in disguise unless you have to! Do you have any idea how long it's been since I've had a proper fight!? Those damned Munitorum pricks and their Emperor forsaken paperwork can shove it up their collective a-"
Excerpt from Lord General Militant Jack Davis to the 7821st graduating class of the Nova American Imperial Infantryman's Officer's Academy
Redacted Notes: Lord Davis was reportedly heavily imbibing in the offered stocks of Amasec prior to, during, and after his speech. He was later found to have started an altercation at a local pub against a fairly prominent Rogue Trader while her retinue, and the Lord's command staff attempted to stop the violence to no avail. Said Rogue Trader and the Lord himself proceeded to verbally assault, physically manhandle, and evade the local authorities, disappearing into the night.
Lord General Militant Davis would return to his office the next morning disheveled, but unharmed with only a worn tricorne hat to cover himself.
The Lord General could not be reached for comment.
---
Location: Nova Americae, Fort Dusk, New Yorktown
Date: 747.M41, 0500
POV: Lord General Militant Jack Davis
Thought of the Day: Wake early so that you may cleanse the galaxy of the enemies of- what is this!? Sweetener!? Who was the fool that brewed my morning recaff!?
---
*Knock knock*
The booming sounds of and physical thrum of shells falling all along the defensive line is a familiar and almost comforting cacophony of noise. Fortunately, Orkish guns are amateurish replicas of their proper Imperial counterparts and their gunners are inept fools that cannot count up the number of digits they have with both hands and feet visible!
The bombardment was sure to continue, but I can rest easy knowing my men and I will easily weather this measly barrage of harmless explosives thundering across no man's land and creating even more obstacles for the hated greenskins to overcome-
*Knock knock!*
!!!
Close… quite a bit closer than I'd like…
Was there a Warboss of some note among the enemy? Well, good! It has been too long since I have fought a… somewhat competent foe in the name of Man!
Come then! Hurry to me and meet your doom upon my thirsting blade and hungry bolt pistol-
*KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK-*
"Huargh!? Wha-? Where? The Orks! Why am I in my bed!? Sergeant Major, report! Never mind my injuries, I must see to the men-" I rip the sheets off of my scarred, but powerful body and jump out of my overly soft Emperor sized bed and move to secure my weapons!
Clothing and armor be damned, there were Xenos to slay-
The door to the room opens!
"Ah, impeccable timing as always Sergeant Major! Quickly, update me on the situation whilst I arm myself for battle!" Turning away from the slowly creaking double doors that could reliably fit three Astartes in holy Terminator Armor through the gap, I throw off the pillows and bend over to grab my old Power Sword and Bolt Pistol!
"Err, Lord General Militant? Is everything alright? I was told to come and fetch you for the astro teleconference- heep!?" The far too delightful and innocent voice of a young woman calls out, huffing against the weight of the double doors before she yelps shrilly!
That is decidedly not the voice of my most dutiful and loyal enlisted man!
It is of no consequence! The Greenskins must be close indeed for the Sergeant Major to send the obviously panicked and untested PDF Trooper to call me to battle!
Hold on Mayfield! I swore that I'd get you back home to your wife and daughter in one piece!
I turn around, bandoleer of ammunition slung across my chest and weapons in hand!
"Where is the enemy trooper!? Brief me en route whilst you debrief me, come! We must hurry to the battle-" Utilizing the reflexes honed over decades of war, I easily bat away the data slate that flies my way with the flat of my blade!
A traitor!? No, this cannot be! The archenemy is foul indeed, to seduce such a promising maiden with the temptations of the foul powers while we are battling the Xenos-
"L-Lord General! P-please! Put on some clothing!" The girl squeaks, ineffectively placing her hands over her eyes only to splay her fingers to allow her widened eyes to see clearly past her attempt at blinding herself-
Ah?
What?
The ludicrously expensive gold antique clock next to my equally decadent oaken nightstand chooses this very moment to begin ringing.
Oh, yes, that's right. I was supposed to have a briefing with the newly mustering battlegroup forces that have arrived in system at 0600-
"Turn around dear girl! For shame!" I roar commandingly and decidedly do not fluster about ineffectively while fumbling with the safety of my pistol and the power field of my glowing sword.
"H-hah? Uh, y-yes sir! Sorry sir!" The red-faced lieutenant yelps, snaps to attention, and performs a perfect about face, staring straight like a properly trained troop!
Unfortunately for me there just so happens to be a large mirror outside the entrance to my unnecessarily large room so that I may inspect myself one last time before attending to the day's activities.
"M-my Lord, I can still see everything!" She needlessly notes, voice hitching and expression changing to reflect her growing sense of panic!
Oh for the love of-
"Left face! Forward, march!" I order with all the dignity I can muster and the flushed woman quickly takes off at a pace just at the edge of what would be considered proper speed and foot distance for a quick time pace.
With a satisfied (mortified) grunt, I take the opportunity while no one is watching to rub my face with my hands before heading off towards the opulence that is my new bathing room.
Mayfield, why in the Eye of Terror did I ever decide to allow you to transfer back to the PDF?
With that last thought I begin the daily ritual that every Guardsmen no matter their rank must do.
Namely shit, shower, and shave.
---
"..." I cannot help the hand that once again finds its way to palm my face.
"G-good morning Sir! Please forgive me for my earlier t-t-transgression this morning!" The shapely blonde butterbar whimpers into the wall of the end of the hallway.
She continues marching forward, grinding her face and body against the painting commissioned by the Planetary Governor of me.
Her face, already the color of a lasbolt gains a radiance on par with that of a hotshot charge when you take notice of exactly where her face and lips are smashed against when it comes to my position in the painting.
"I-if my Lord pleases, c-could you by chance order me to stop marching? A few people have already passed by and I don't think I could handle another officer laughing at me…" She mumbles, the… condensation from her heavy breathing continuing to darken the oils of the paint picturing an area decidedly not proper by any means.
She squeaks, fearfully this time when I grip a single hand on top of her head and forcefully turn her around, freezing her in her tracks from the palpable discontent leaking from my well practiced and terrifying glare.
"What is your name and who is the Fucking Idiot that assigned you to be my new orderly?" I rumble with a question that isn't.
"S-sir! 2nd Lieutenant Sally-Anne Mayfield reporting as ordered by Lord Commissar Ingram on the recommendations of Sergeant Major John Mayfield! I look forward to working with you Sir!" The girl belts out in a respectable volume and only a small hitch in her initial introduction-
"Mayfield? As in John Mayfield, the Sergeant Major assigned to 5th American PDF Infantry, veteran most recently of the Tyrannic War, and husband to Marie-Anne Mayfield nee Miller?" I seriously and mechanically growl out while drawing in close enough that our noses are nearly touching.
Hiding a flinch even as her rosy cheeks burn to temperatures that would cause cascading critical failures in the containment field of a Plasma Cannon, she gulps and nods minutely, causing her nose to touch mine for an infinitesimally short moment of time.
Pulling back, I snuff out the sigh building in the back of my throat much like I would have this girl in the cradle if I could have before pushing her cracked and dented data slate into her surprised and noticeably generous chest barely contained by her Officer's Carapace.
Without waiting to waiting to watch her scramble in an effort to keep the data slate from falling, I artfully snap to the side in a well practiced right face and begin calmly walking down the hall at a pace just slow enough that her shorter stature can keep up at a brisk half jog.
"M-my Lord!?"
"Come Lieutenant! The Enemies of Man will not patiently await for you to finish floundering!"
"Y-yes Sir! Right away Sir!"
"And forget everything that transpired this morning lest I have you mind wiped!"
"Of course Sir! As you command Lord Militant!" I can already imagine her screwing up her face in an attempt to literally carry out that order.
God Emperor help me…
My oldest friend's daughter simply cannot be this foolish!
---
On the next episode of IOUP
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