House of the Moon: A Pony Cultist Experience

[Alivaril]

Spoiler: Patrons

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Edited Author's Note: Aside from the title, there aren't going to be any references, caricatures, strawmen, and so on, and I'd like to ask participants to not use this platform to start flame wars. This is intended to be an actual humor quest readable independently.

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You stand before one of the few remaining idols of the rightful ruler of Equestria, Nightmare Moon, and bask in Her glory.

...So what if you stole a sculpture from last year's Nightmare Night celebration? That cruel bit of propaganda thinly disguised as a holiday deserves to be opposed in whatever small ways you can manage! Queen Nightmare Moon was not a cannibal, let alone a foal-eater would-be victims could pacify with candy!

Her Majesty hunted pony-eating monsters, and was so often rewarded with fear from those she sought to save. Her favored subjects, thestrals or "bat ponies," were forced to work during the day even when they could barely see. Ponies who lost their cases during Night Court would often turn to Her sister instead, the Traitor Princess Celestia, and often see those rulings ignored and overturned in Day Court. Still, Her Majesty persisted and did Her best no matter what day-dwellers whispered in broad daylight.

She spent night after night exhausting Herself to paint the black night sky, and saw most ponies dismiss Her efforts in favor of (the Traitor) Princess Celestia's unchanging and boring day. Her Majesty Nightmare Moon attempted a variety of reforms aimed at ensuring the prosperity of Equestria, and saw so many of them undercut by Her own sister to appease displeased unicorn nobles. She protected the dreams of ponies and trained dream-walking disciples to keep hostile dream-dwellers from eating everypony should She fall in battle.

When Queen Nightmare Moon finally confronted Her sister about the repeated undermining of what was supposed to be an equal diarchy, She was unjustly banished to the moon for a thousand years. Equestria had barely been centuries old at the time! Fortunately, Her return was soon prophesied: on the longest day of the thousandth year, She would return and being about nighttime eternal.

Almost a thousand years have passed since Her Majesty's banishment, and the prophesied day approaches. Few celebrate Her impending arrival, but you can blame the Traitor Princess for that. They don't know any better. Once they're forced to appreciate the beautiful and eternal night sky, they'll all understand.

You stomp toward your planning pinboard and almost trip over the hem of your cloak. It really is too large for you, but such minor obstacles are of little concern. You are Loyal List, dedicated cultist follower of Her Majesty Nightmare Moon, Mistress of the Night, Sovereign of Dreams, Avatar of the Moon, Guardian of Equestria—and, um...

You start fidgeting, one foreleg rubbing its partner beneath your enveloping black cloak while you try to remember Her other titles. Surely She has more titles? Why can't you remember the rest?

W–Well, it's the Traitor Princess' fault for erasing Her Majesty from historical records! So long as you do not improperly address Her in word or speech, you should be fine. At any rate, it is your duty to prepare Equestria for Her return in any way that you can. None appointed you to this task, but after growing up on stories of Her glory and impending return, you know in your heart that supporting Her is your destiny no matter how your undeserving unicorn parents complain! They shouldn't have left raising you to thestral nannies if they wanted you to be loyal to the Traitor Princess!

You're sure you can't be the only loyal pony preparing for Queen Nightmare Moon's return. Trying to find others would risk discovery and prosecution. It is better to work independently, utterly ignorant of the contributions of your fellows.

You're pretty sure your fellow cultists followers have to be doing a good job, though. Just look at the Traitor Princess' Royal Guard! They could barely fight off anything more threatening than a drunk tourist, if that! Any self-respecting monster could charge through their ranks without any trouble whatsoever.

...Although, in their defense, Granny Smith of the Apple clan is genuinely terrifying. You can't blame them for needing to pile atop her the last time she visited Canterlot and decided to pick a fight with everypony who so much as looked at her. Still! The Royal Guard isn't very strong anymore, and you're pretty sure you can thank one of your hidden comrades for that!

As for your own contributions—well, you have plans. So very many plans. For now, you should start by undermining the deluded day-dweller's view of the Traitor Princess as an all-loving, infinitely wise, infallible goddess. Ponies must come to see the Traitor as the tyrannical, kin-banishing monster she truly is! And you already have several plans for how you might accomplish that.

A vaguely pony-shaped shadow stretches out from under your cloak and peers up at your pinboard, then pans its gaze across all the Nightmare Moon posters and artwork lining your bedroom walls. Several seconds later, the shadow turns back to you and somehow manages to convey incredulity despite not having any actual eyes or occupying any space.

"Not now!" you hiss. "I'm planning!"

Though no sound accompanies the shadow hitting its face with one hoof, its form still wobbles from the impact. Near-silent screaming of damned ponies accompanies the gesture. Another shadow, this one a tentacle, reaches out from your cloak and pats the pony-shadow's spine sympathetically.

You simply huff and ignore your annoying friends. They will understand your brilliance in time. Oh yes, you'll show them. You'll show them all! ...But only your friends because you'd be in huge trouble if you get caught or witnessed by other ponies. Still!

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In what way will you first sabotage the Traitor Princess?

[] The Traitor's wardrobe
Discreetly undermine the Princess's image by replacing all the sequins in her dresses with googly eyes.

[] The Traitor's kitchens
In recent centuries, the Traitor Princess has let herself go soft and incapable of facing true threats to Equestria. Make her that much softer by adding extra heavy cream and sugar to all her meals.

[] The Traitor's conditioner
Celestia's glowing fur and ethereal mane have induced envy from generations of society mares. Temporarily deface that beauty via neon green dye.

[] The Traitor's floors
Polish the floors of the castle until none can possibly hope to walk upon them. Accompany this by taking photos of the Traitor Princess in inevitable undignified sprawls spawned by slipping.

[] Write-in Your newest ideas might be helpful in the future, but a good plot takes time to plan. (Accepted ideas for plots may be included in future rounds of voting, not the round in which they are proposed.)