A tide of chimed notes filled the air and public comms of the train car before the words "Now arriving at Paxorium Station." After I opened my optics I briefly pecked Aileron's dome helm tucked at rest on my chest. "Time to get up dearwing."
"Mmm, but your solid slope is so cozy," she slunk off of my lap, and stood. "Any word from Prowl?"
"Nothing. I'm rather worried." I joined her, and the two of us waited near the door as the zoom past the cityscape slowed- and brought a little smile to my face.
"It's nice huh? The speed, the motion," a blocky bot sitting near the door remarked, and looked up at me with their one optic face blue and round- one I recognized from aesthetic forum posts over the millennia.
Quadturbo, perhaps, I thought, they would say something like that. "Yeah, it is nice – there is a daring to it – intrepid and regular – to travel distances."
Their biolights lit up, and Aileron spoke, "Yeah, it's interesting to be a passenger to it, rather than to do it one self. The relativity and the holding, the carrying. It's lovely. Nice to hear from you again, your name is-"
"Quadturbine, they/xem," their back wings flapped as xey stood up and the train came to a stop. "You've seen me post before. Glad to have crossed paths again- it's been forty-three orbit cycles, I think. Some things have changed. Dating Lightspeed now-"
The doors opened, and we walked out in the hubbub of people transformer and alien into the open-air station. I gave a sharp look around: no aimed guns in sight, no one close with a drawn blade, a few folks dancing hand in hand.
"-And felt a difference in my zoomdareness, so I changed things up a bit, and recent times led me to take up your example and join an Autobotist group, and a defense militia. Came out here to join up- that why you two are here? One by one, you know, in the light of ambiguity, absurd hope and wisdom keeping dread at bay."
The code-phrase, =Something's up here, isn't there. Are you our guard? We're headed over to Prowl's. He mentioned something about the newly named Functionist reactionaries causing trouble- we've kept up with the news, and we don't like it.= The three of us walked down the slight slope onto the streetside and crossed the street past the NO HIGH SPEED ALT, BODY, OR PERSONAL VEHICLE TRAVEL sign.
=If you've read- you already know more or less what I'm going to tell you three= Quadturbine looked around. =Ever since the Functionists repudiated the weapons obsessed Formessentialist Taxonomy and argued instead for the imperial accumulationist Grand Taxonomy and used it as their latest cause for violence, there have been a number of undetected micro actors- a tool former and her flyer partner got jumped last night coming back from their work in the observatory, a janitor microscope-bot was harassed last week, and…=
=And a trans-centered aesthetics meeting- some gunners showed up and a fight broke out-= I patted their shoulder as we crossed the next street after the traffic went by. =Yeah, not good signs- Cybertron seems to have the worst of it.=
We felt sick in our fuel tank and Daniel's stomach in my head, as memories flowed back, of my mentors stories to Galvatron and I about the early wars and conflicts against those transformers who attempted to form hierarchies of power out of frustration, arrogance, greed, or fear- and that ultimately all of them had some sort stratification of people based on their bodies and dismissed aesthetics and accessibility as secondary- even if they were convinced they did not. Wars we did not see internally in our time for our peoples save for the Essence Accumulation War- but that we did see elsewhere in the galaxy, over and over, cyclical.
The awful fight in Nova Cronum in 454,387 AC came to mind- my first combat command against members of my own species. Though with strategy flawed by deep arrogance, the Formessentialists gave us Pit with a complete lack of weapons ethos- the burning and pulverized neighborhoods and screams of our kin could not escape our thoughts, the artillery and bomb volleys thrown to take out even a single soldier of our own- why we had to breach commando style, to strike at the spark. The rush of the drop via the massive bot Sky Lynx into the enemy's citadel and artillery positions alongside my vanguard battalion and the Thirteen, and the close quarters fight that carried out through the next day- seared in my mind just as I had so many opponents with our thermal swords.
We crossed another street- no words between us, only held hands.
The denizen survivors after that fight were full of broken souls, the traumas of forced labor and roles by alt-mode, species, and integrated weapon frames, the hounding after our fellow transformatively realized kin- we stayed a whole century after chasing loose reactionary ends- to try and heal the pains that before were thought unimaginable to occur on our world- though no surprise to Daniel with what humanity had been through up until the 24th century of their common era. Why? Why is there a resurgent movement now?
"We hope to never again have to wage a war for all our rights to thrive," I looked across the street to Prowl's building as he had described it- burgundy and a box-like tower of petal shaped walls- from some of the earliest days of the polity he called home. "This is where we part, no? Thank you for walking with us, Quadturbine, it was good to see you again, and our best wishes to you and Lightspeed." I smiled at them, and extended my arms to offer an embrace.
They hugged me, and then Aileron.
"Of course, I'll do my best to make sure we don't get there- solidarity to you, til all are one," they put their left hand over their chest in salute, and turned to walk down the street.
"Keep in touch, all right?" They hollered with an elevated cadence, perhaps cheerful.
"We will!" Aileron put her arm around me and waved at the Quadturbine as they transformed into their car mode and rolled off onto the road.
"Well," Aileron looked up at me. "Let's go pay Prowl a visit."
"Indeed," I patted her forehead, and we made our way across to the building, whose name was inscribed on a wall by the door in Old Cybertronian and Eclipse Cybex: Chronopetal Habs.
We walked in, and saw a tall and broad teal flyer with twin vent back stacks and a black helm, sitting at a desk intent on a computer console.
They looked up and waved, "Hi there! You Arcee and Aileron? You remind me of their visages in the news over the millennia."
"That would be us yes," I walked over alongside Aileron. "And who do we have the pleasure of meeting?" I stuck out a hand and saw them grin.
"Bitstream, seek/seeks/seeks," seek shook my hand and then Aileron's. "What brings you here today?"
"Came to see Prowl," Aileron put a hand on her hip. "Is he doing okay? Seemed a bit anxious when we last communicated with him."
"Ah, dear neighbor Prowl," Bitstream sighed. "He scurried upstairs in a hurry; said he was feeling a bit overwhelmed. The poor bot, he's had it hard lately. Well, don't mind me, make yourselves at home." Seek gestured an open hand to the elevator corridor.
"Thank you Bitstream, we'll be sure to check on him," I nodded, and our partner and us went and called the elevator.
=You ever consider that-= Daniel commed from inside my head to Aileron, =Prowl is always really happy to see us?=
=You think he's nervous then?= Aileron looked up at us as the elevator rose.
=Possibly, could be working through trauma too from that awful job where folks overworked themselves, got super apathetic, and pilots depressed from loneliness.=
We stepped out and headed over to his door, 504, and I knocked. "Prowl?" I called out. "You home dear?"
=I recognize that flaming shimmer of your voice, but it could be replicated. Can you answer me a question to confirm it's really you?= Prowl wrote back.
Aileron and I exchanged a look.
"This is not good," I whispered to her. "I can almost see Greenlight tensing nervously."
"We're certainly going to have a story to tell her," Aileron squeezed my hand.
"Go ahead dear," I called out.
=Tell me what collective aesthetic you three zoomdare conjunxes share in your most intimate moments, sensual or conjunxic or amicable. You spoke to it once- and I never forgot it, that was a beautiful sentiment...=
Daniel and I tried to hold back from chuckling. Ah- we think we know what some of this is now, and noticed Aileron also held her lips tightly with a grin.
"Well, my focus feels sharp and soft all at once- both moving and thrilled, even at rest, like a wandering star hurling through the space of love," my hand found Aileron's large left wing and rubbed gently, and I smirked as I felt her flap slowly with my touch. "I feel immersed in a balanced velocity that dares to embrace who I am- to soar with intent and decisiveness, to adventure wisely with exuberant song of soul. And to see that in my loves to for themselves and towards each other and me- millennia after millennia, is easily one of the most beautiful things in Daniel and I's lives. Aileron is outspoken and careful, Greenlight stalwart and playful- they are the sparkful lights of my life closest to my own."
"That does sound like you-" Prowl opened the door, and I blinked trying to take in the sight of my old archivist friend. He uncharacteristically held a blocky and long null ray rifle in his hands, and his shape was somewhat different than when I saw him last. A red bicrest sat on his green helm, his similarly verdant frame rather than a blocky flatness instead had curve, such rounded and wide curve, in the upper chest with headlights, door wings on his back. But the rest of him below- lanky as ever, legs far too thin to hold up the weight he had moved upwards.
"Come in quick," Prowl peered around us, and held the door open while his hand gripped the rifle's pistol grip tightly.
Aileron and I obliged with quick steps inside, and Prowl shut the door, and let out a sigh before he stuck the rifle on his back and slumped down onto the floor, wings pressed on the door.
=Arcee- I know you're going to sassy right now= Daniel quickly typed.
=I have to lighten the mood- and we're obligated to affirm what he did even if there's an intervention to follow about how he's ignored the rest of his body= I replied, which Aileron followed up with a nodding emote of her own face.
"Aw Prowl," I knelt and stuck out open palms to clasp hands. "You've taken up such a lovely chest shape, I hope you know that. It's so good to see you, is everything okay?"
He met my hands with his own, and we held each other there for a moment while Aileron sat down next to us, a hand on Prowl's small shoulder.
"Thanks, Arcee, and Daniel. It's good to see you three too," his face clenched. "No- things aren't okay, I was supposed to make you a lovely meal but I'm way too worried about everything. I haven't been comfortable attempting a job more than a day. I either hurry around outside hyperactively or just sit on the bench in the living room and watch television or play through yet another slice-of-life game or tactical rpg," he buried his face in his hands "the outside world is so scary right now. Every job and community feels like another risk of getting hurt, and I don't want that, not when I've finally been able to explore myself a little because life felt less dull and pointless."
"Oh darling," I hugged him close, and rested my head on his shoulder, while Aileron also held his waist.
"I'm so sorry, dear," I whispered. "I know it's hard, I know it's scary- For the first century and a half of my life- it always felt like there was something missing, I couldn't place what- until I gave some thought about how it felt to want the shape I have now, how fun I found my pronouns to be, how I just couldn't find respite anymore in my meditation or teaching or martial arts that meant so much to me, that I felt like things didn't fit when I rolled on my wheels. And after my first war, I felt so lost. I'd cry, and cry, instead of sleeping. It hurt so bad to see how awful the world can be, to have been part of that." Droplets fell down my cheeks, and so did ones down Prowl's own.
"But I did find a way to come to terms, to have closure," I gave him a light squeeze. "I put my anger, my hurt, into art, and into the work I did- nursed it with love and the knowledge that to go on acknowledging that those things happened but building peace can still be done- trying to talk and listen and care for one another, that helped me find my rhythm, since I'm not one of those few people who really feels happier alone. And yeah, it's scary because some people don't like that, but if we don't try, we die inside, we fall back into pain."
A loud moan came out of him.
"I know it's hard to hear," Aileron hummed. "But- you're taking the steps you need. You're being so brave. You do talk to people here, don't you? You try to connect to something."
"I do," Prowl sniffed. "I, talk to Wheeljack, he's kind of an adopted tutor almost, and then there's my neighbors, and my road trip pals Perceptor and Roulette, and…" he barely laughed. "Then there's Jazz. they're in the diplomatic service, and they stop by here to read and engage in the art festivals- we met during a poetry slam, I was sitting in the corner, and they came over to talk to me, they're so sweet and easygoing, with real dorky jokes that they just make seem cool…."
He's got that starry look in his optics, Daniel mused.
He definitely does, I looked at Prowl's calmed expression, mouth loose, optics wide and looking upwards into the distance, and grinned.
"See- it's not all bad, and facing up to the risk honestly has a no exhausts given feeling that is very empowering, even though it's stressful," I paused for a moment. "May I smooch your forehead, friend?"
He blinked and looked at me. "Uh- um, sure."
I laid one between his crests, and he giggled as I did so.
"You're very smooth, like them," he whispered.
I laughed. "Well- it's practiced, but I have my wacky and turbulent moments too," I touched Aileron's shoulder wing gently. "She and Greenlight know all about that."
"Pfff, as if you haven't heard me rant about the creep of military myopia or some other concern every few weeks or so," Aileron's hand found my wrist, and gently moved my forearm so she could kiss my hand, and smiled up at me. "Love you dear."
"Love you too," I caressed her cheek with the back of my hand, and then turned to Prowl. "Let's get you up and make some food, shall we?"
"Let's do that," Aileron helped me lift Prowl to his feet, and we made our way over to the kitchen, where I saw on a small table a large beautifully decorated box the length of a broadsword or similar blade, and wide and tall enough to hold six of them if you fit them in carefully.
Aileron and I let out a small gasp.
"Oh, Prowl, that's so sweet, thank you, you didn't have to-" I smiled at him.
"I wanted to, I really did," he chuckled as Aileron hugged him. "I just- wanted to use the language of gifts to show how much you folks and Greenlight mean to me, I'll never forget the adventures we had. You four told me, in the ancient halls, sewers, and almost forgotten places, all about the rising imagination that is coming to life in our subalterns, about prototypical collective questing, spark echo technology to speak with other potential self's iterations, the honing of temporary immersion, and singularity puzzles. But more than that, these technologies and practices reflect a reengagement of hope and vigor," he looked up at me. "That our dread stagnation and cycles of violence can be faced with a daily dreaming made real- of kinship on our remarkable ordinary selves with the cosmos in ways beyond just trust and reciprocity of old done to ensure thriving. In those conversations, you lit up my spark- like how when I first met you. Your stride, your poise and action, and relation to your shape, a gentle might, began the smallest of thoughts that maybe how I protoformed semiconsciously in my youth, was not really what I wanted."
He gestured with open hands at his chest before hugging it. "Hence this. And it feels, really really good. I get why y'all like it. That feeling when you move, when you hug someone, when you feel the air rush across you, when you put your weight into something, it's feels so powerful and of immersed depths. I just- I thought I'd have balance too, like you, that it would fit right, but I feel clumsy. Maybe it's just the stress…"
"Hmm, yeah, those are good words for the amazing feeling," Aileron leaned on me. "You have an awesome shape there, more in common with me than my two Conjunxes. Mind if I give you some advice for equilibrium, since you said you wanted that?"
Thank the gods Aileron is going to say it. Daniel and I thought together.
"Oh! Sure, please," Prowl's optics drooped slightly, with a soft smile on his face.
Cannot get over how adorable he is finally in his element, I thought. And how he connects with us.
"Well, when I was deciding on my shapes in my first few weeks of life, when I could still protoform," Aileron sat down in a chair by the table and raised her right leg so her foot rested on the stool. "I had to play around with how my shape was going to be, since I really liked roundness. I didn't want to just be a big sphere- but if I was what I'm about to say would apply even more. I slowly figured out that I wanted curves, and yes while that meant I wanted to bring out my hips to be wider like my shoulders that doesn't mean you have to do that, but, in order for me to have this," she tapped her chest lightly, "and my big rocket shoulders and all my wings, I had to form up dears like this one," she hugged her ankle. "See- it's wide, and sturdy," she ran her hands around the ample rounded and rectangular shape of her big feet and sloped ankle armor, stopping at her small secondary engines.
Um- gods I love how she just, is so matter of fact about her shape that I love with that endearing spark and mind of hers inside, I unconsciously bit my lower lip, and Aileron's yellow optics met me for a brief moment, and she winked at me before looking back at Prowl and continuing to speak.
Her wink left me light on my legs and with crossed arms trying to hold in my half of our shared passion.
Yeah I know you do, your brain is abuzz about her, a lot, like your blockier and taller linguist Conjunx. Daniel laughed in our mentalspace in digital code.
Sssh, trying to focus, I dug in to my meditative focus, thinking about how what was at hand was a very delicate conversation with Prowl- be in the now, the needs at hand, for kinships sake. Cool sureness flooded through my frame, and I eased my posture.
"…does that make sense, Prowl dear? To paraphrase my partner in similar instance, 'honey I'm cheering for you but no.'" Aileron stood.
"Yeah- yeah it does. I guess I just," he looked down. "Didn't want to think about it, and it was too much to think about on my own for me personally, with how my life is right now. Guess I'm a bit of a trans aesthetic disaster, huh?"
"Oh darling," I laughed. "Trust me, all of us have some amount of that from catching up that we end up needing to do to get to know ourselves again. For me, it was this five-year shtick of being absolutely bonkers about jetpack treks and dance for the thrill of the momentum. Eventually I actually moved on to also finding ways to take it easier in my body and expression while still feeling that that in itself was its own zoom of a rush, per se."
"Did I ever tell you about when I took a summer with a stunt team immediately after I took a break from space captaincy for the first time?" Aileron smirked at me. "I just- I had a need to move around more than running the halls all day, giving out commands and making it to meetings, so many intercrew and portside dinners…" she gestured her hands widely.
"No, you didn't tell me about that," I smirked back. "I knew about your tour with the Guardians as an acrobat and logistician, but that's interesting that it came out of you getting tired of something you are very good at- even if your first go was temporary."
Prowl sat down on the opposite seat. "So, for those of us new to understanding how we contextualize our stories whenever we think or act on it, asking for a friend…"
"Iterant change is a good thing, and we don't always know where it will take us or have all the information, and philosophically speaking- we never have all the information, which is rather liberating." Aileron put her hands on her hips. "We have to act day by day, we assemble who we are – even if we have an in-depth picture of all of it, we always end up learning new things about ourselves, even if that just reaffirms what we already know or gives non-answers."
"Well said," I put an arm around her shoulder.
"Okay, my brain can more or less accept that I should have listened to affirmation aestheticists when they were hinting to me that I should consider caring for the rest of my body," Prowl sighed. "Thank you both, I needed to hear that. Guess I'm going to hit the drawing board tonight…"
"Why don't you share your gifts with us dear pal? We can help you with the food too, give your brain time to cool down from this run of the smith heady stuff with company," I inclined my head. "We'd be glad to stay in the area longer too, or come back when you want company for your surgery. We have plenty to do around this part of Cybertron anyway."
"That would be really nice!" Prowl stood with flapping door wings. "Let's do that. Now, about those gifts…"
