My body is made of swords.
With blood of iron, and a heart of glass.
I have overcome countless battlefields.
Not even once retreating,
Not even once being understood.
Always alone, intoxicated with victory in the hill of swords.
Thus, this life has no meaning.
That body was certainly made of swords.
~o0o~
Sayaka lay there, holding the product of a man's life and afterlife of trying and failing to attain his dream of becoming a Hero of Justice.
At first, denial and defiance threatened to rouse within her, wanting to prove that those ideals were not wrong, that she was different, that she would succeed where Shirou failed— But only at first. The urge was immediately doused by the following thought: if Shirou failed after everything he sacrificed for it, then how could she
possibly accomplish what he couldn't?
And for a moment, Sayka was
relieved by the fact. She was relieved that the path that would lead to her sharing Shirou's fate wasn't one she could take.
'I won't make the same mistakes,' she swore to herself, remembering Shirou's parting message.
'I'm going to…to…'
Yet, her moment of fortitude didn't last either. At loss to how to complete the thought, her previously raised fist fell slack. If she couldn't be a superhero…then what good was she for? Her grades sucked, she wasn't really all that bright, rich, or gifted. Even the athleticism people frequently peg her for is something she avoided because it's what everyone expected of her. She was just…nobody, really.
On top of that…wasn't she too late already not to make the same mistakes Shirou did if Kyubey really was the extension of Alaya?
"Sayaka-chan? Are you okay?"
Sayaka turned to the voice to see concerned pink eyes peering at her above the side of the bed.
"Madoka?" The bleunette blinked, realizing she was on a futon in her friend's plushie-filled room, "I'm at your place? What…?"
"Un, we couldn't wake you up so Mami helped me bring you to my house after you passed out," Madoka explained.
"Oh. You texted my parents on my phone like we had a sleepover?"
"Yup. Sayaka-chan…are you alright?"
"Uh, yeah," Sayaka said, plastering on the best fake smile she could muster, "Just a…a nightmare." And wasn't that an understatement. "It's just…Mami almost died last night, didn't she?"
"Sayaka-chan…" Madoka trailed off, obviously able to see right through the front her years-old friend put up. "Yeah…it was really scary," she said, going along with the cue, "But we all got out. You killed that witch in one shot!"
No, she didn't. That was Shirou's echo. "I did, didn't I?" the bleunette replied anyways, trying yet unable to keep the hollowness out of her voice.
Madoka looked like she changed her mind on addressing Sayaka's front, but didn't get to act on it.
"Girls! Get washed up! Breakfast ready in fifteen!" a shout called through the door, breaking them out of their funk and spurring them on to quickly get through their morning rituals.
~o0o~
Sayaka went through the motions mechanically, silently thanking the Kanames collectively for their kindness.
Madoka's mother, Junko, for the suggestion that Sayaka keep a set of her uniform at their home since she slept over so often; Madoka's father, Tomohisa, for cooking their breakfast; Madoka herself, for picking up Sayaka and her school bag to keep watch over her while she was unconscious; and even her little brother, Tatsuya, for giving the bleunette a distraction to focus on with his cute babbling so she could hide her state more easily.
Even with the years of familiarity and Madoka's parents basically acting as her uncle and aunt at this point, Sayaka couldn't help but feel guilt creeping into her conscience as she walked to school. It wasn't like she could really reciprocate, with her parents always away from home, working long hours and sometimes even sleeping at work.
She really was useless, wasn't she? Not only she didn't have anything in particular going for her, she also couldn't but keep being a burden for her best friend and her family.
Though, it wasn't as if Junko Kaname would let her say no. She always had that scary smile when Sayaka tried to make an excuse.
So
maybe it was okay..? They did say so a lot of times.
The fact that they gave so freely somehow made it feel worse, honestly.
…
Feh. She really was the worst, wasn't she? Making it out like it was the Kanames' fault.
Sayaka really didn't deserve them.
"Sayaka-chan."
She blinked, brought back to the real world by Madoka's voice.
They were almost halfway to school, now that she looked. She must've been going on autopilot for quite a while, huh?
"Yeah?"
"Do you uhm, want to talk about it?" the rosette asked worriedly.
"About what?" Sayaka replied blithely.
"About why you're so upset."
Idiotherowannabelonelymiserablehillofswords-
The bleunette's jaw tensed as she clamped down on the emotions threatening to burst. It was tempting, so tempting, to just let go and dump it all on Madoka about the memories, Shirou, the Counter Force, what an utterly massive idiot she was for wanting to be a hero-
But it was just- so much. And Sayaka knew her friend was that ultra-rare-must-protect sort that was kind and empathetic to a fault.
She couldn't bear to cause Madoka so much pain and worry. Not right now, when she already felt like she was abusing her family's kindness.
"I'm fine, really," she said, pulling another fake smile.
At this, the rosette crossed her arms and Pouted™️ at Sayaka. Yes, Pouted™️, in the same way and effectiveness that Junko Kaname did the Scary Smile™️, which made the average person feel as though they kicked a puppy for not acquiescing to her requests in contrast to the Hannya wraith that her mother projected.
Thankfully, Sayaka had built up a decent amount of tolerance to the former from years of exposure and the fact that it wasn't something she had learned to deliberately harness. It made Sayaka both rue and eagerly await the day Madoka would get the self-confidence to consciously use it.
"I-it's nothing, for reals!" Sayaka denied again, "I'll feel better once I see for myself that Mami's fine at lunch break, I swear!"
Madoka didn't seem convinced whatsoever still, but seemed mollified enough to leave the subject be and disengage the Pout™️. For now.
A sullen silence descended as they walked. The bleunette would've walked faster so they'd reach the spot where Hitomi usually joined them, but that would've been too obvious.
"Ano, Sayaka-chan, about Homura…" Madoka spoke up again, this time with significantly more hesitance in her voice.
"What about
her?" Sayaka spat.
The creepy transfer student was just about the last thing she wanted to think about right now. She almost attacked Mami last night…
That's right! It was all the transfer student's fault that Sayaka was feeling like this! If it hadn't been for her trying to attack Mami, then she wouldn't have had to make a wish to protect Mami in the heat of the moment and see all those stupid memories!
The bleunette's hands clenched until her knuckles became white as an object to focus her grievances on began forming in her mind.
"I swear next time I see her I'm gonna…"
"Sayaka-chan!"
"What? That girl deserves it and more! She tried to kill Mami!" she snapped back.
"I- Mami and I actually met Homura when we went into the labyrinth yesterday! She wanted Mami to leave that witch to her because it was much trickier than usual, but Mami tied her up because she thought Homura would get in the way!"
"Damn right she would have!"
"But Sayaka, she was right! If you hadn't helped, Mami would have been eaten by it! I saw! Homura was there to do the same thing so Mami won't die, so please don't fight with her!" Madoka pleaded, then quickly scrambled to get something out of her school bag. "Look, after you passed out…"
….
"I did it...nobody died!" The bleunette exclaimed with a loopy smile right before her eyes rolled up in her skull and passed out with a thud.
"Sayaka-chan!" Madoka called after her friend, kneeling at her side at once. She frantically looked the unconscious girl over, trying to recall anything useful she was told when she became the nurse's aide, but came up empty.
"What do I do…?" she wondered out loud.
<You could have healing magic if you wished for it.>
Madoka blinked at Kyuubey's strange voice projection in her head before finding him sitting by her side and shaking her head.
"I…no, I'm scared for Sayaka but I…don't think I should do that," she managed out.
<A shame. In that case, waiting until approximately next morning will suffice, I believe.>
"Kyuubey, do you know what happened to Sayaka?"
<Indeed. Magical girls who expend a great amount of magic right after contracting tend to fall unconscious due to not being used to the strain of it.>
"So…she'll be alright next morning?"
<That is correct.>
Madoka's shoulders sagged as she let out a shuddering sigh. With her immediate concerns assuaged, a rustling sound behind her made her quickly remember that she wasn't alone.
"Mami…"
She turned to see Homura crouching over Mami, the state of the latter making her gasp.
Mami's left side, from her face and neck, to the back of her sleeveless arm was covered in blood, and her breathing was laboured. With a
clink!, the ravenette held a Grief Seed against the Soul Gem-like decoration on Mami's beret in her other hand. As the darkness was siphoned out of it, the blonde's wounds seemed to glow before gold ribbons appeared around them, gradually knitting themselves together and leaving unblemished skin behind. Homura seemed to mutter something to herself as she looked over the blonde's healing body, then the Seed she used disappeared under her shield and she placed the hat on Mami's stomach.
Madoka then watched the girl walk over and pick up the Grief Seed dropped by the witch Sayaka took out. Homura seemed to look at it in consideration for a short while before looking up and blinking when she met Madoka's eyes. For a split second, the rosette saw an indiscernible emotion flit in the girl's eyes, but it quickly disappeared when Homura shook her head and walked over to her.
"Now you see, Madoka Kaname? This is what it means to be a magical girl. Today the witches were unlucky, but they only need to be lucky once. We magical girls need to be lucky every time. One misstep is all it takes for your life to be forfeit."
Madoka stood there, frozen to the spot by the girl's piercing amethyst eyes until they slid from her to Sayaka unconscious on the ground.
"Here," she said after a beat, holding out the Grief Seed to Madoka, "Give it to Sayaka Miki when she wakes up. She's going to need it."
In lieu of a verbal answer, the rosette nodded, holding out a hand of her own, nearly fumbling the catch before she got a grip on the black jewel.
Several beats passed between them, during which Madoka noticed something flit in the ravenette's eyes again, like light seeping through a narrow crack through the wall that was her cold mask. It felt like…concern? Worry?
"Do you…" the black haired girl began, looking at Sayaka again, but paused when a groan was voiced behind her, looking back to see Mami's slowly waking figure.
"Nevermind. Take care, Madoka Kaname."
And then she turned on her heel, and disappeared.
….
Sayaka looked at the Grief Seed in her friend's hand like it was her worst enemy.
Even in her anger, the bleunette didn't think that Madoka would ever lie. Especially not when it came to things like this.
Yet even with the proof in her friend's hand, Sayaka instead began thinking of how Akemi could have deceived Madoka, or consider brainwashing magic, because the alternative…
…The alternative was that her wish was
completely unnecessary. That she made that contract, likely condemning herself, and going through all those hellish memories that broke her dreams of being a Hero of Justice for
nothing. She couldn't even wish for something that
someone benefitted from, like healing Kyouske's arm.
Sayaka even got Mami hurt!
That the creepy transfer student was right
all along. She was trying to warn them off because she knew it would turn out like this.
But Sayaka wanted to be a hero too badly. She was stupid, so
s̴̫̳̰̤͓̩̺̟͙̖̒͆̕ͅẗ̸͇̦̰̱͚͍̈̋͒͆͑͂̀͂û̴̪͎͙̜̣͔͎̪͍p̸̛̗͓̘̝̖͓̦̀͊i̵̠̔͑̎̀͋̕d̶̨̈́̈́̈́̒̈́͗̋̕͘.̶͖̳͕͓͚̍̎̔̚.̷̡̝̩̻̳̲̜̥̰͕̣̍͑͋͗͊͗̈́̑̅͐.̶͈̪̦͋̇͒̏̀̆̔̕͝
"Sayaka-san, Madoka-san! While it's good to see you, we're going to be late!"
The two girl's heads snapped up at the mop of desaturated green of their friend running by before her words registered.
"Oh would you look at the time! Let's talk about this later!" Sayaka exclaimed before breaking into a run, doing her best to pretend she didn't see her friend's concerned expression trailing behind her.
The bleunette did her best to clamp down on her emotions, but unlike previous times, her dark thoughts stuck in her mind like tar on white through her run.
As she walked through the halls and sat down in her seat in class, the way everyone around her flitted about like usual with no change whatsoever made her feel like she was in an entirely different world. Even if she were to just disappear, they would go on without her, blissfully ignorant of the harsh darkness in the night lit by the moon, Sayaka realized. Maybe it would be better off without her.
She could have been one of them still, if she w̵̡̜̣͙̳͒̈́͝ͅȧ̴͑͊͑̐͝ͅs̶̳̭͖͉̕n̵̤͕͗̇͌͐̈̕'̶̜͛̽t̶̡͈̟͍̪͊ ̷̪̜̝̲̻̓͆s̵̼̾ö̷̝̖̼́̓̎ d̸̘͉̖͓͍̰̙̀̓̉̈́̋̀̌̍͊̂͝͝ą̵̭͚̫̗̭̲̰̗̗̺͓̗̉̿͆͑̆̌m̴̠̲̺̘̘̘̬̜͍͙̖̎̄ǹ̶͉̜͖̭͂͌̈͗̽͜͝ͅ S̶̡͍͔͚̠̞̜̯̜̟͖̗̤̿̎̌̎̾̍͂t̴̘̫̙͋͆̎̽͊u̵̢͇̼̱̣̞̹̖̩̯̲̯̠̖̔͜͝͠ṕ̷͚̠̩̙̗͓̪̘̥̳̤̼͈̟̂ͅi̶̧̡̖͙̻̞͓̗̖͖͖̮̮̐̿̄̈́d̵̼̤͔̦͆͊̐̕.̴͚͍̮͖̠̣̠͉̱̩̳̗͕̌́̎̆̑̕.̸̢̛̙̗̜̬̭͖̦̠͎͚͛̀̆͊̾͗.̸̨̡̫̲̰̎͑́̔̿̉̌̏͘
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Sayaka heard something go
click-click-whirr! and felt something grasp her left hand.
"Sayaka Miki, take out your Soul Gem,
now."
Somewhere, in the recesses of Sayaka's mind where her subconscious was still sorting itself out, the part of Shirou's experiences - now Sayaka's - that were spent working long hours with military and military-adjacent organizations recognized the tone and words as
command and obeyed reflexively
.
Clink!
Sayaka gasped, feeling like a great weight was taken off her chest.
She blinked into awareness, looking up to see the transfer student with one hand on her wrist and the other holding a Grief Seed to her manifested Soul Gem, which was getting less cloudy by the moment.
"Sayaka you absolute
idiot," she hissed with a grimace, "You almost
died. Did Madoka not give you that Grief Seed?"
"She did," Sayaka replied dumbly.
"Where is it? Why didn't you use it?"
"In the outer pocket of my bag. I thought clouds were normal…"
Akemi bent down, quickly retrieving it and clinking it too against Sayaka's Soul Gem.
"Normal…?" she muttered in a rare show of emotion as the last bits of darkness were siphoned out, leaving a clear, light blue gem with a hill of swords within it.
"Whatever," the ravenette shook her head, "It's definitely
not normal to have 'clouds' in your Soul Gem. Did Tomoe not explain this to you? The brightness of your Gem is the indicator for how much magic you have left. The darkness or grief accumulates the more you use magic, the more negative emotions you experience, and the more grief you have the harder it is to think clearly and to use magic, which leads to even more negative emotions. And if you let it fill up completely, you will
die," she punctuated the end of her rant. "Madoka almost had to see you die. Keep your Soul Gem clean, or
else. Understand?"
"Yes Ma'am," Sayaka acquiesced, swallowing.
"Good."
With that, Akemi finally let her wrist go and disappeared. The sounds and motions Sayaka didn't notice she couldn't hear before resumed, the class moving on as though her talk with the other magical girl didn't even happen.
Hey, isn't that the Archer card's outfit with blue instead of red? Nice!
Now… Give me the cookies!
Ding ding ding! We have a winner. Have your cookies 🍪🍪🍪