Done.
I'm finally fucking done with life.
This is it. Fuck life. I've already died once. I know there's an afterlife. I know there's reincarnation, it's just a matter of rerolling the gacha wheel. And sure, it sounds like I'm about to kill myself, but I'm not.
This insane, spartan training is what kills me. Not Piccolo's demons. Not Frieza, or is it Freeza? Either/or. Not that fucker either. Not Cell. Not Buu. Not any of the BS in Super. No, the beginning of the story. THe very first time I appear. The training. The part before all the crazy Dragon Ball powerwank Bullshit starts ramping up.
This is what kills me. If I have to lug this forty kilo turtle shell for another day, I will stab something, most likely myself, and enjoy it. I am exhausted.
"Come on Krillin!" my training mate shouted, "Just one more time! We're almost done."
I don't have the best memory of Dragon Ball. I only read the mangas and that was a LONG time ago. At least a decade. More importantly, I didn't touch the filler. Closest I have to knowing filler is the Team Fourstar Abridged series. I would have if I knew how much Dragon Ball lore was going to affect my life. Point is that my Dragon Ball lore is spotty at best.
I sure as fuck don't remember Krillin practicing fighting against Goku before the Tenkaichi Budokai. Especially with forty kilogram turtle shells. Did I mention the forty kilogram turtle shells? Those things SUCK!
"Shut up, Goku! That's what you said the last five times we fought! Not all of us are battle maniacs like you!" I shouted even as I rocked the turtle shell back and forth to hop onto my feet once more.
"But it's the last day!" Goku stomped his feet in excitement. "We're going to go fight and I want to be all warmed up!"
"Ugh, fine," I rolled my eyes before dropping into a squat stance with a half twist at the waist. I then motioned with my hand for him to come at me, signaling my readiness.
And come at me he did, leaping forward with a double handed rocket punch. Kicking off the ground, I pivoted on one foot, using the bare minimum to dodge. As he sped past me, I leant in with an open palm strike to the chest.
It connected with a satisfying smack, but I didn't stop there. Hopping off the ground, I drove my full body weight into the strike, forcing his body to slam into the ground. I stayed like that for a moment, a one handed handstand on top of a wheezing Goku.
Of course, I paid dearly for my showing off when Goku suddenly kipped up, throwing me off of him. Flipping through the air, I quickly reoriented myself to land on the ground before throwing my hands up into a cross to block the dropping axe kick from Goku.
Turning my hands around, I immediately sandwiched his leg between my hands to catch it. With a quick twist of my body, I slammed him into the ground once more. This time, I didn't pause and immediately stepped forward to stomp at his face.
He rolled away and I chased with three more follow up stomps. On my last stomp however, he caught it with a grin, shouting, "Got you now!"
Then he hauled my foot to his curled up body. I allowed him to pull my leg towards him, lowering my body as he did so to keep balance and keeping my torso away from him. The end result was that I was effectively squatting on one bent leg with one foot fully extended.
A strange position for sure, but not one where I had fallen. Eyes furrowing in confusion, Goku muttered, "What the…?"
Tapping my bent back leg, I grinned and butchered a forgotten quote from one of my old martial arts lessons, "So long as one grasps the world with even one limb, one shall never fall."
Then I pressed my caught foot against the ground, giving me two points of contact against the earth. Extending my bent leg, I rushed forward, keeping my body low to the ground to hit Goku with another palm strike to the face.
It was my turn to be confused when that only caused him to hug my foot tighter. Poking him once, twice, thrice, I briefly thought about hitting him again, but… well, that seemed unnecessarily dickish. Patting his head lightly, I whispered, "Uh… Are you just going to hug my leg?"
His response was to suddenly twist his body to launch a kick to the side of my head.
My response was to quickly lean back and see my life flash before my eyes as his kick whiffed right across where my nose was. You know, if I had one. Tucking my chin, I let myself fall onto my back, rolling to lift Goku. As he let go of my leg, I took the opportunity to use the other leg to kick him off into the distance.
Finishing the roll, I fell back into my stance and shouted, "Dick move!"
"Ka" was the answering call. I was confused until I saw him in the infamous position of the Turtle School's signature move. He mirrored my stance, but instead of having his hands up in a defensive position, he had his hands clutched together at his side as if he was clutching a ball.
"Me" Instead of the ball of dense energy known as Ki. AKA SHIT THAT I CAN'T FUCKING DO!
"That's not fair!" I shouted as I dashed forward, arms crossed across my face. I could run away, but that would just give him time to charge it further. And also aim. My only hope was to disrupte the casting.
"Ha" the asshole continued channeling Ki into his move, ignoring my completely valid point of it not being fair. Gritting my teeth, I glared at him as I focused on gathering Ki to my arms. I couldn't manifest it like he and Master Roshi could, but I sure as FUCK could manipulate it and boost my movements.
"ME" he began thrusting his hands forward, the ball of light beginning to extend forward into the beginnings of lance. Keeping my arms in front of me, I hopped forward to slide into a brake, forcing Ki into my legs, setting myself up for a hail mary.
"HA!" Goku shouted, finishing the move.
Leaning forward, I leapt with Ki-empowered legs at the beam, hitting it with my still-crossed arms. It was unbearably hot and I would never be able to withstand it like the muscle bound idiots of Dragon Ball Z. Thankfully, blocking it was never my intention.
Bracing my arms, I hit it at an angle, forcing the beam to hit slightly lower than me. More importantly, the recoil allowed me to bring my legs over my head in such a way that I was sent flying into the air. Flipping once, twice, thrice, I quickly spread my arms out to control my descent. Keeping one leg extended and the other bent, I descended foot first towards Goku's gobsmacked face, shouting, "FALCON KICK!"
The impact was oh~SO satisfying~ Especially since I had coated the very tip of my foot in Ki and the impact ignited it so that if one was to film the thing, I burst beautifully into flame at the point of contact, displaying a kick that Captain Falcon would be proud of.
Of course, Goku being the bullshit berserker he is, just grabbed my leg before twirling me around to send me flying. He didn't even have the decency to look phased as he did it, just grinning madly as he tossed me. Just spit on all my training for near perfect technique with your stupid haxx brute strength, why don't you!?
Crossing my arms once more, I tucked my ball as I crashed through a wooden wall, rolling as I landed. As soon as I got back up, I got a nice big eyefull of a pair of breasts of a magazine called Hooters.
Then it was lowered so a pair of eyes could glare over a pair of shades menacingly. For a bald old man, Muten Roshi sure could make an aura when he wanted to.
Smiling with an impending sense of doom, I quickly bowed. "Hello, Master Roshi. Apologies for the mess! Our spar just got a bit too enthusiastic."
From my peripheral vision, I saw the magazine slide onto the coffee table. Closed. And more importantly, the backside up. Goku and I were so fucking dead.
"Get Goku. We're having a discussion."
Bowing even lower, I saluted, palm over fist."Hai."
...We were SO fucked.
Kneeling before our master, Goku and I bowed our heads as Master Roshi loomed silently over us. It felt as if we were in a courtroom where he was the Judge, Jury, and Executioner. The debris and hole in the wall existed, poignantly existing to act as the wtness and accuser of our sins.
Master Rosh finally broke the silence with a sgh, "So who broke the house this time?"
Immediately, I pointed at the culprit, unabashedly tossing him into the blastwave, "Goku."
"You made me do it!" Goku refuted.
Looking at him, I lowered my eyelids to give him a flat stare. "How did I MAKE you use the Kamehameha!?"
"You were strong!" Goku complimented. Clever of him. It made me almost not want to ht hm for his stupidity because of how fuzzy it made me to hear one of the universe's strongest fighters call me strong. The other part was filled with righteous rage.
"I was using technique!" I spat back before pointing at the wall, "And you threw me at the house!"
"That you broke!" He pointed at me with a grn.
I returned it with a pointing finger and scowl. "That you THREW me at!"
Shrugging, Goku sighed, shaking his head as if I was in the wrong. "Well, you kicked me in the face.."
If I had hair, I'd be pulling it out right now. Slamming both hands on the ground, I barely reframed from shouting Objection. "You used the Kamehameha! I thought we agreed! No Ki Attacks!"
He had the gall to pout, crossing his arms and turning his face away to sulk. "Then how am I supposed to practice them!"
I waved my hands n confusion, not quite sure how or even where to begin refuting. Eventually, I pinched the brow of my nose and just breathed. Then I shouted, "When we're not fighting!? I can't do that yet! It's not fair to use it against me!"
"How else would you learn!?" Goku yelled back. With honest confusion in his voice, Kami save me from his dumbassery.
"Not all of us are monkeys! It's not something as simple as monkey see, monkey do!"
"I already taught you how though!"
"Your teaching was and I quote, 'Make a burnie squishie ball. Hold it in your hands, then push and FUWAH!'" I mockingly repeated in a high pitched voice, following the movements he showed me in the exact same way.
"Well, you can do it!" Goku pouted, crossing his arms and looking away. "You can make the burnie squishie now!"
My mouth dropped. Then I leapt to my feet and pinched his face to make him look at me. With my other hand, I focused. Focused. FOCUSED. And then a very, very, VERY small ball of light popped into existence above the palm. Shoving it into his face for him to look at, I shouted, "I CAN MAKE A TINY ASS LIGHT BULB! I'M A USELESS FLASHLIGHT!"
It radiated heat quite well, so I could also be a walking radiator, but my point was thus. My biggest achievement with Ki so far beside strengthening my body was to become a fucking household appliance.
Ripping his face free, he grinned, dropping into a stance, ready for another fight. Good. I wanted to shove my fucking light ball down his stupi--
"BOTH OF YOU SIT DOWN!" Master Roshi shouted.
Immediately, the both of us sat down into Seiza, bowing "Hai!" We had gotten quite heated and had stood up during our argument at some point. It was embarassing to say the least.
"Finally! I've been trying to get your attention for a while now," Master Roshi sighed. Then he cleared hs throat before he began the lecture, "Now onto the original intent of this conversation. Both of you are in the wrong. Goku, you have to learn better control. Think of the consequences before acting. I can't keep paying contractors to fix the house. As for you, Krillin…"-He hummed in thought before stroking his beard-"Actually, now that I think about it, you didn't actually do anything wrong."
"...Well, I could've deescalated the fight sooner," I offered, uncomfortable with the idea of only Goku getting chewed out. Logically, I knew Master Roshi well enough that he was a good teacher who didn't have a bas. Emotionally, I was still an introverted piece of shit who got weirded out if I wasn't being scolded.
He shook his head in disagreement. "No. I was watching and Goku acted much too fast for you to properly deescalate the fight. Excellent recovery at the end by the way. Your fighting style has an excellent foundation. You move too little though, staying in one place for far too long. There will come a time when waiting will simply amount to nothing."-Readjusting his shades, they caught the light to become completely white as if he was Gendo Ikari-"At times, you must move to hunt and open opportunities for victory. Don't feel too bad about not being able to do the Kamehameha. It takes much practice to pull it off reliably. Being able to manifest Ki is already quite impressive. Right now, your Ki Enforcement is top notch and will complement your martial arts nicely."
"On that note," Master Roshi turned to face Goku, completely slipping into teaching mode. It kind of irked me because it felt as if this wasn't in canon, but… It has been more than a decade since I touched the original material.
"Goku," he addressed with a smile, "I must say that your Kamehameha is getting better. You still need to work on your hand to hand, but your daily sparring with Krillin has already honed it. Yours is the opposite problem. Where Krillin stays too still, you move too much, jumping from place to place and acting on the spur of the moment. Learn how to have a proper stance and a proper form and you will find opportunities open up more often than expected."
Goku nodded as if he understood. Though the way he crossed hs arms and furrowed his brow as soon as Master Roshi turned around meant he definitely did not understand. Elbowing him, I muttered, "What he means is that I don't move enough and you move too much. Also that you need to work on technique."
He grinned, slapping a fist into a palm in understanding, whispering "That makes so much more sense! Thanks, Krillin."
"Now we're going to eat dinner," Master Roshi called out to us as he sat down at the dining table, already shoving food into his maw A bit rude, but then he is the eldest and also our master, so he had that right. "Launch has made us a lovely meal, katsudon! The bowl of victory!"
As the both of us took our seats at the table, Launch, the blond/black haired bipolar criminal we had… taken back a few months prior, placed two steaming bowls of fried pork meat over rice. She was thankfully in her mellow black haired form. I feel like Toriyama was being a bit stereotypical with the violent blond yankee girl stereotype, but fuck it.
She's a good cook. Like a really fucking good cook. Bit murderous in her blond form, but Launch-Black is a nice girl. Bit too defenseless against Ero-Master Roshi, but that's why I've been teaching Goku to drink his RESPECT WOMEN juice. Speaking of…
I slapped Goku's hand and scolded, "Oi! Thank the cook and give thanks for the meal before you eat!"
"Oh!" Goku nodded even as he rubbed his hand, "Thanks Launch!"-Then following my motion, he clasped both palms together and bowed his head, whispering, "Ittidakimasu!"
As he began shoveling food down, I followed suit and thanked Launch as she sat down with her dinner. Giving thanks for the food, I then grabbed the srirarcha bottle and started drowning my bowl of katsudon. If I had no memories of having a sense of smell, I'm sure I'd have enjoyed the meal as is. The thing about not having a nose though is that it makes all food taste that much more blander. Thankfully, spiciness wasn't so much a taste so much as a sensation. A painful, tasty one.
Bonus point was that nobody ever tried to steal food from my red hot bowl of danger.
"After this," Master Roshi said even as he chewed food. This was annoying since I had just gotten Goku to stop chewing with his mouth open and I just KNOW he's going to backslide. " the both of you are going to fix that hole in the wall. And you're not going to sleep until you fix it."
We groaned even as we continued to eat. Chores sucked.
"No aws," Master Roshi scolded, clacking hs chopsticks together, "I understand the tournament is tomorrow, but I've already given the both of you far too many freebies when it comes to breaking shit. Stop breaking it or learn how to fix it."
...He had a point. I elbowed Goku and when he turned to look at me, I tilted my head at Master Roshi.
There was suddenly a sneeze and Launch's hair turned into a bushy blond. We didn't pay much attention to that now. Blond Launch had long stopped trying to kill the three of us after Master Roshi started using her bullets to help teach us to DODGE.
...There's something off about that statement, but for the life of me, I can't put my finger on it. Ah well! Enjoy the food! After this, we have chores...
Fixing a wall was hard. It wasn't just a simple matter of using wood to repair it, one also had to do plaster. And plaster could take forever to dry. Okay. Add in the ramen noodles. Add on the plaster. Add on water with the spritz bottle. And… carefully hold the Ki Ball next to it to dry the plaster faster.
...Okay, it wasn't hard. Just time consuming to wait for it to dry… But not if you use Ki to cheat! There! All dry! Dismissing the ball of Ki, I got outthe sandpaper and began sanding, using it to practice some basic motions. Wax on. Wax off. Wax on. Wax off.
Just as I finished and was beginning to spray the pain on, Goku stopped hammering and shouted, "I'm done on my side Krillin!"
"Just about done on the plaster side too!" I called back, "Go brush your teeth and then we'll go sleep."
"Okay!"
Putting on the final touches, I left to quickly join Goku in the nightly ritual of night. Brushing out teeth, showering, it was all boring. Getting out the futons, I crawled in to bed, sleeping on my stomach. I tried sleeping on my back, but the turtle shell just… kind of fucked up my back.
And now to sleep! I'm not going to win any tournaments tomorrow, but who knows! If I do well enough, I might get second and third place prizes! Does the tournament have that? I can't quite remember… Ah well. Close the eyes, count the sheep and sleep...
"Sorry for throwing you," Goku said suddenly, snapping me out of sleep.
"That's fine," I answered, keeping my eyes closed, I'm more annoyed that we broke the house again." Also annoyed at how you woke me up right when I was about to sleep, but it's fine.
"That just means we're strong!" he shouted.
Gritting my teeth, I stubbornly refused to open them. I may have lost that little trance state between awakeness and sleepiness, but if I can get Goku to shut up long enough, I'm sure I can return to it. Wait! I'll just give him a lot of words. "Strength means nothing without control, idiot! You can break the coconut all you want, but if all the juice leaks out and the meat is ruined, what was the point of breaking it? Besides, do you want to always break the place where you sleep?"
"No, I don't," Goku sighed before perking up, "Is that why Master Roshi is always going on about control and taking it slow! Now it makes sense! Thanks, Krillin! You're smart."
...I did not expect him to understand that word vomit. "Uh… You are too. Just in a different way."
"Do you think I can be smart like you?" Goku suddenly asked a ridiculously heavy question.
Ugh… He was always an idiot for anything other than fighting. Guy got married because of a promise he didn't understand. He's a horrible father. He gets tricked way too often. It's honestly a miracle that earth survived with how often he saved his enemies out of some misguided moral compass. Honestly, who the fuck heals a genocidal fuck like Freeza? If only he learned… Learned… Learned not to do that!
Why settle for canon events when I can make it more streamlined!? Less pain and suffering! Teach Goku to just finish the job! Or something like that! Keeping my eyes closed, I answered, "Of course! You just have to train! It's hard though."
"Can you teach me?"
"Yes." Yes, I will, my little meal ticket to fame, power, and riches. Yes, I will.
"Thanks!" Goku pepped. He was silent before continuing, "You're strong."
"Thanks," I blushed. Honestly, knowing what I know, it was a surprsie that I didn't melt to the ground. THe universe's strongest thought I was strong.
"I'm going to beat you though," he growled good naturedly.
"Looking forward to it," I replied honestly. I mean, if he beat me, then everything will want to kill him, not me. And also… Actually, I don't know. Life's confusing, but I'll just support him. He may be my meal ticket, but he's also my friend.
The only response was snoring. Fucker had the stupid ability of instantly falling asleep. I liked him. He's a nice guy and strong. It was still pissing me off that he could instantly drop to sleep when he was the one who kept me awake and left me WIDE awake with all his questions.
...It was still mind boggling that I was somehow a better fighter than Goku right now. To be fair, he relied too heavily on his natural Saiyan strength and instincts. I had the advantage of having dabbled in multiple martial arts in my old life and training at the Orin temple in this one. My foundation was solid yet adaptable. If there wasn't such a thing as MMA in this world, then I invented it.
It was a heady feeling knowing that my win-loss ratio against Son Goku was in my favor. Of course, that was going to change soon. Pretty soon, I'll just be the appetizer that serves to introduce the main villain, lucky to survive and even luckier to be relevant.
I think the major ones were… Piccolo and Vegeta. They both will eventually turn good, but both have the ability to kill me if I fuck up. I think Piccolo even kills Krillin at some point. Freeza definitely kills me, Perfect Cell almost kills the world, Buu is a complete clusterfuck that does kill the world, and the entirety of Dragon Ball Super completely breaks the scale with the introduction of literal Gods.
At that point, forget being appetizer, I'm going to be the after-dinner mint that will be lucky if it survives long enough to be washed away in the washing machine, having been tucked away in a pocket to be forgotten.
And that's not even getting into the special ways all the spin offs have to kill you. Dead Zone, erasure from time, these are but a few of the special ways to suffer for all of eternity.
So here's my plan. Stick as CLOSE to Goku for all of the pre-Z powerwank. That way, I stand a pretty good chance of surviving the Z-bullshit. ANd I mean, Goku's basically a living MacGuffing and Deus Ex Machina. Eventually, EVERYTHING turns out well for those near him, especially if he likes them.
Yeah. I know my place in life. I'm Krillin. Average human that's just barely above Yamcha in terms of being a joke in this universe. Sure, I have the potential to turn into one of the most powerful earthlings in the universe. But I'll still be useless in the grand scheme of things. So I should enjoy my journey into powerful irrelevance. Be the quirky and helpful sidekick that retires into the background to train the next generation or something. My biggest perk in life is that I'm best friends with Goku.
Yeah. Just got to surve long enough to reap the benefits. Then I can sit back and relax and fuck around like Master Roshi.
...For now, SLEEP!
One sheep... two sheep... three sheep…
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