I come to the conclusion that I will one day die, and that my resistance is finite.
I have a vision of my deathbed. Surrounding me are strangers. They wear white robes, faces as cold as a night sky empty of constellations.
There is no sensation, my body spurns me as my head refuses to move, my legs and arms lay vacant at my sides. All I feel is my hands turned palm-up, held in commiseration or apology as I feel everything fade away.
No tears are shed by those in mourning, standing in a circle around me, too distant to offer comfort, something preventing them from offering more than a distant presence.
I dream of the fog slowly oppressing my senses before my demise.
I feel the inescapable pull of entropy everlasting as my vision fades to black, and I wonder
what comes after. Does dead flesh feel? If the engine of heart and mind cease, what comes after?
What then?
Our Star crests the horizon as I drag myself out of bed, my mate shifting in annoyance as I pull the covers behind me, my legs dangle over the edge of the bed. My heart feels constricted, a lightheadedness forcing my eyes closed.
By the time I open up my eyes again, the sun has gone from a narrow blade of gold to a shimmering white orb hanging in the sky. Cold, gray mud glimmers on the coastline as waves lap at the shore.
My body aches, it aches in ways I've never noticed before. Pains once invisible come into stark relief as I slowly stand, forcing weak muscles to function. Some of me feels numb, the rest feels too hot. It makes my head swim.
What then? What happens after?
Somehow, I walk to the balcony. Looking over the edge, cold hands gripping the banister, I see obsidian rocks cutting through dew and seafoam. It's too easy, I think, as I look over the edge.
How easy it would be to fall over the edge, shattering my worries along with my bones. Ending my dreams, every last thought. Isn't it so easy? A skull fractured open, carried away by waves.
I stumble back, terrified as I feel something take hold in my heart. A realization, something crystalizing. There is an emptiness inside of me, knowledge that this will one day end.
What then? What happens after? There is no waking up.
That's when it happens…
There is no waking up…
I always thought that death would be like a dream, like falling asleep one last time.
But it won't be, will it?
It will be a return to the time before you, with no sunrise, no horizon, a day that will not break. A return to inanimacy. A void, a black-hole, deeper than nothing.
The end.
Unacceptable.
Sensation returns, my hands around my eyes, fingers digging into my skull as if to dig the realization out through blood and broken bone. Slowly, I release my hands to the ground. My body is sore from tension, and I slowly unwind as I lay back down.
It is unacceptable. It is truly unacceptable that this must end.
Plans form in my mind, ideas of the incomprehensible, knowledge that what is known now is as alien to our past selves as what must be known to us in the future. Our bodies, infinitely variable, if only to find the solution.
We must carry on. We must live, even as only a copy of a copy, something,
anything, to escape the encroaching darkness. Beyond the resources we have, as finite as they appear infinite, beyond other universes, because all universes someday end.
To live, we must evolve again.
There must be a way, we already made our way from nothing. The billion-year struggle to reach the top, and it doesn't matter. Once the last light flickers out, there will be no final memory of past glories, no love. Only a final dreamless night.
No, I won't let it.
We will struggle for another billion years to find a way, I will ensure it, we will remember ourselves after death. For posterity, for remembrance, if only to escape that cold embrace.
I will
ensure it.