SAO Abridged:
Kayaba: The only way to keep the Nervegear from going all Gallagher on your grey matter is to make your way through Castle Aincrad, and beat Sword Art Online!
Kirito: So you want us to beat an MMO?
Kayaba: Essentially.
Kirito: Fuck you!
Kayaba: WHOA! Getting a lot of hostility here. Don't appreciate it.
Kirito: Well, honestly, when was the last time you heard of someone beating EverQuest?
Kayaba: When was the last time you heard of someone
playing EverQuest.
Kirito: ... That's fair.
Kirito: You know what FINE, I'll give you the damn coat...just send me a trade request.
Asuna: A...what?
Kirito: Oh, it's quite simple really. Just open your menu. *Evil Laugh*
Asuna: YOU SON OF A BITCH!
(context: she cant open her menu)
Sachi: Thank you for joining our guild, Mr.
(starts glitch/lagging) Kir-Kir-Kir-Kir-Kirito.
Kirito: SWEET MERCIFUL BUDDHA! WHAT THE FUCK?!
Keita: Now, now, don't panic.
(Sacchi glitches again as he puts his hand on her head) Sacchi just lives out in the boonies, so her Internet connection is kinda
(starts glitching again, infecting Keita this time) shi-shi-shi-shi-shi-shi-shi-shi-shi-shi-shi-shi-
Random Player: OH GOD! IT'S SPREADING!
Random Player: Grab the women and children!
Random Player: Yeah! We'll use 'em as shields!
Tavern suddenly bursts into flames and windows explode.
Jack Dapper the Narrator: Ha-ha! What shenanigans. Four people died in that fire.
"Well, let me put it this way: Take the most horrific,
awful thing you can think of, and multiply it by cancer."
Silica
:Oh my goodness. Pina... are you evolving?! Yes, Pina! Evolve into a beautiful dragon and we'll fly through the night to freedom!
Pina explodes into pixels and dies.
Kirito: Kid, no language on Earth has a word for how little I care. A quantum supercomputer calculating for athousand years could not even approach the number of fucks I do not give. THE FREAKIN' HEAT DEATH OF THE UNIVERSE COULD NOT-!!
Kirito: Whoa, whoa, whoa! We can't just go around sacrificingNPCs! Some of my best friends have been NPCs.
Asuna: That makes way too much sense.
Gary (offscreen): We must save my family!
Kirito: Ya see?! Some of 'em even have fa-a-a-a-a...
(His pupils shrink down to pinpricks )Gary. Excuse me, I have to go say "hi" to an old friend, won't be a minute.
(Offscreen) Hey,
Gary, long time no see!
Gary: We must save my family—AGGHHH!!
Kirito (Stabbing him over and over): YEAH! Betcha didn't expect to see me again, did'ja, punk?!
Gary (now screaming): WE MUST SAVE MY FAMIL—AGH!!
Kirito (still stabbing him): YOU LEFT US TO DIE, YOU BASTARD!!! This is for Sachi!Choke on it! Choke on my vengeance!How does it taste!AH-HA HAHA HAHA!
Klein (visibly unnerved): Yeah, you know what, maybe he has a point. This is
super uncomfortable.
Asuna: What the hell are you doing?!
Kirito: Well obviously, I'm stabbing myself with this sword to see if it kills me- Oh god, what am I doing?
Yolko: Wait, no, that can't be it. Caynz was killed in a safe-zone, there's no way Grimlock couldn't be the killer.
Kirito: THANK YOU! Finally, a voice of reaso-
Yolko: IT MUST BE GRISELDA'S GHOST! SHE'S RETURNED FROM BEYOND THE VEIL OF DEATH TO WREAK BLOODY VENGENCE UPON US ALL!!
Kirito: ... Did I say "reason?" Sorry, I mean "the screaming monkeys that live in her brain."
(Immediatly after)
Asuna: Settle down, you two. I think we can safely assume a ghost is not the culprit here, right Kirito?
Kirito: Of course not. Obviously, it was a hit by the mermaid mafia paid in leprechaun gold. But who was the puppet-master? The unicorns? No, they've had a feud going with the mermaids for years.
Asuna: DAMN IT, KIRITO! This is serious!
Kirito (distraught): My sandwich.
(Falls to his knees) It was innocent!
Beat
Asuna (concerned): Kirito, are you gonna-
Kirito (still staring at the ground): SSHH!
(Cuts her off) I must grieve.
PoH(Jeffery, Laughing Coffin's leader): What?!
Johnny Black: It, it's nothing, forget it.
PoH: No, no, you sighed! That's not nothing!
Johnny Black: Boss, I get what you're going for: Bible-quoting serial killer. It's a great motif, classic. But, it's a big book, they aren't all gonna be gems.
PoH: Okay big-shot, name one verse that's scarier than that.
Johnny Black: Oh, I don't know, how about "No flesh shall be spared"?
PoH: WHAT?!
Johnny Black: "No flesh shall be spared." Mark 13:20?
PoH: Holy shit, that's in the Bible?!
Johnny Black: Have, you ever actually
read, the Bible?
Forging (Edit: video should be up within a few weeks)
Lisbeth: Why would you do that! That sword was my baby! Would you do that to someone else's baby?!
Kirito: You mean would I slam a baby into another babyto test it's durability? No, that's not something I would
typically do.
I think thats it for now. Also
link to the show