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Favorite Abridged Series Quotes

RequiemZero

RequiemZero

Location
Little Rock, AR, United States of America
Post your favorite quotes from fan-based parodies. Be sure to cite which series.

"Screw the Rules, I have Money!" Seto Kaiba, Yu-Gi-Oh! The Abridged Series

"Attention duelists! My hair is assaulting you!" --Yu-Gi-Oh! The Abridged Series

"...in America." --Yu-Gi-Oh! The Abridged Series

CARD GAMES ON MOTORCYCLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEES -- Same

DODGE!!- Dragon Ball Z Abridged

"I don't know what this Yamcha is, but it sounds just like Raditz." - DBZAbridged.

"Get that bitch a cannon. Bitches love cannons." --Hellsing Ultimate Abridged

Goku: Kaio Ken...
Villain: Kaio what? -PUNCHED IN FACE-

Freeza: (still holding Goku under the water) Any last words, monkey? Besides "gurgle gurgle?"
Goku: (Goku breaks out from under the water) Yeah! Kaio-ken!
Freeza: Kaio-what?
Goku: KA! ME! HA! ME! HAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!! (He apparently obliterates Freeza)
Freeza: (Emerges from the blast relatively unscathed) No, seriously. Kaio-what?
Goku: Kaio-crap!
Freeza: I thought so.
 
Gendo Ikari: Hello Shinji, how's your mother been?
Shinji: She's dead.
Gendo: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Shinji: She was your wife too father!
Gendo:.... don't be a dick, Shinji.

Gendo:It's probably not as bad as it looks.
Ritsuko: She [Rei] ended up breaking most of the bones in her body.
Misato: Wow, how did she take all this?
Ritsuko: How do you think?
Gendo: Rei! You're okay to pilot again, right?
Rei: I hope you die on a fire.
Gendo: That's my girl.

Fuyutsuki: Does this plan of yours involve your son again?
Gendo: Nah, I heard he didn't come home last night.
Fuyutsuki: Shinji ran away again? Well, stop the fucking presses.

Shinji -On top of her-: Bu-b-bu-b
Rei: You know, you could have bought me dinner before having your way with me. Or at least start with some small talk.
Shinji: Oh, okay.
Shinji: Well, uuuuuuuum.
Shinji: Nice weather we've been having!
Rei: That, was a joke.

Shinji: I musn't run away! I musn't run away! I musn't run away!
Announcer: Thank you for using the "Run away" train.

All of them are from Gigguk's Evabridged.
 
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SAO Abridged:

Kayaba: The only way to keep the Nervegear from going all Gallagher on your grey matter is to make your way through Castle Aincrad, and beat Sword Art Online!
Kirito: So you want us to beat an MMO?
Kayaba: Essentially.
Kirito: Fuck you!
Kayaba: WHOA! Getting a lot of hostility here. Don't appreciate it.
Kirito: Well, honestly, when was the last time you heard of someone beating EverQuest?
Kayaba: When was the last time you heard of someone playing EverQuest.
Kirito: ... That's fair.

Kirito: You know what FINE, I'll give you the damn coat...just send me a trade request.
Asuna: A...what?
Kirito: Oh, it's quite simple really. Just open your menu. *Evil Laugh*
Asuna: YOU SON OF A BITCH!
(context: she cant open her menu)

Sachi: Thank you for joining our guild, Mr. (starts glitch/lagging) Kir-Kir-Kir-Kir-Kirito.
Kirito: SWEET MERCIFUL BUDDHA! WHAT THE FUCK?!
Keita: Now, now, don't panic. (Sacchi glitches again as he puts his hand on her head) Sacchi just lives out in the boonies, so her Internet connection is kinda (starts glitching again, infecting Keita this time) shi-shi-shi-shi-shi-shi-shi-shi-shi-shi-shi-shi-
Random Player: OH GOD! IT'S SPREADING!
Random Player: Grab the women and children!
Random Player: Yeah! We'll use 'em as shields!
Tavern suddenly bursts into flames and windows explode.
Jack Dapper the Narrator: Ha-ha! What shenanigans. Four people died in that fire.

"Well, let me put it this way: Take the most horrific, awful thing you can think of, and multiply it by cancer."

Silica:Oh my goodness. Pina... are you evolving?! Yes, Pina! Evolve into a beautiful dragon and we'll fly through the night to freedom!
Pina explodes into pixels and dies.

Kirito: Kid, no language on Earth has a word for how little I care. A quantum supercomputer calculating for athousand years could not even approach the number of fucks I do not give. THE FREAKIN' HEAT DEATH OF THE UNIVERSE COULD NOT-!!

Kirito: Whoa, whoa, whoa! We can't just go around sacrificingNPCs! Some of my best friends have been NPCs.
Asuna: That makes way too much sense.
Gary (offscreen): We must save my family!
Kirito: Ya see?! Some of 'em even have fa-a-a-a-a... (His pupils shrink down to pinpricks )Gary. Excuse me, I have to go say "hi" to an old friend, won't be a minute. (Offscreen) Hey, Gary, long time no see!
Gary: We must save my family—AGGHHH!!
Kirito (Stabbing him over and over): YEAH! Betcha didn't expect to see me again, did'ja, punk?!
Gary (now screaming): WE MUST SAVE MY FAMIL—AGH!!
Kirito (still stabbing him): YOU LEFT US TO DIE, YOU BASTARD!!! This is for Sachi!Choke on it! Choke on my vengeance!How does it taste!AH-HA HAHA HAHA!
Klein (visibly unnerved): Yeah, you know what, maybe he has a point. This is super uncomfortable.

Asuna: What the hell are you doing?!
Kirito: Well obviously, I'm stabbing myself with this sword to see if it kills me- Oh god, what am I doing?

Yolko: Wait, no, that can't be it. Caynz was killed in a safe-zone, there's no way Grimlock couldn't be the killer.
Kirito: THANK YOU! Finally, a voice of reaso-
Yolko: IT MUST BE GRISELDA'S GHOST! SHE'S RETURNED FROM BEYOND THE VEIL OF DEATH TO WREAK BLOODY VENGENCE UPON US ALL!!
Kirito: ... Did I say "reason?" Sorry, I mean "the screaming monkeys that live in her brain."
(Immediatly after)
Asuna: Settle down, you two. I think we can safely assume a ghost is not the culprit here, right Kirito?
Kirito: Of course not. Obviously, it was a hit by the mermaid mafia paid in leprechaun gold. But who was the puppet-master? The unicorns? No, they've had a feud going with the mermaids for years.
Asuna: DAMN IT, KIRITO! This is serious!

Kirito (distraught): My sandwich. (Falls to his knees) It was innocent!
Beat
Asuna (concerned): Kirito, are you gonna-
Kirito (still staring at the ground): SSHH! (Cuts her off) I must grieve.

PoH(Jeffery, Laughing Coffin's leader): What?!
Johnny Black: It, it's nothing, forget it.
PoH: No, no, you sighed! That's not nothing!
Johnny Black: Boss, I get what you're going for: Bible-quoting serial killer. It's a great motif, classic. But, it's a big book, they aren't all gonna be gems.
PoH: Okay big-shot, name one verse that's scarier than that.
Johnny Black: Oh, I don't know, how about "No flesh shall be spared"?
PoH: WHAT?!
Johnny Black: "No flesh shall be spared." Mark 13:20?
PoH: Holy shit, that's in the Bible?!
Johnny Black: Have, you ever actually read, the Bible?

Forging (Edit: video should be up within a few weeks)

Lisbeth: Why would you do that! That sword was my baby! Would you do that to someone else's baby?!
Kirito: You mean would I slam a baby into another babyto test it's durability? No, that's not something I would typically do.

I think thats it for now. Also link to the show
 
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Hellsing Abridged:
Alucard: Yes, I do. I take enthusiastic walks through the woods.
Sir Integra Hellsing: And kill homicidal vampire priests?
Alucard: Very enthusiastic walks.

Alucard: Ooooh… I've never hunted down a leprechaun before. Do you think if I shoot them with my gun Lucky Charms will explode everywhere?!

Father O'Mally'O'Connel'O'Carrol'O'Reilly'O'Brian'O'Sullivan who is also Italian: [speaking in an Italian accent] Tell-a me, Anderson, what is your favorite thing to do?
Anderson: Spreading the word and love of Jesus Christ to the many people of the world, teaching peace and love for all!
Father O'Mally'O'Connel'O'Carrol'O'Reilly'O'Brian'O'Sullivan who is also Italian: And-a killing-a vampires?
Anderson: Oh, just try to fucking stop me!
Father O'Mally'O'Connel'O'Carrol'O'Reilly'O'Brian'O'Sullivan: And what about… Protestants?
Anderson: Second verse, same as the first. Now put me on a plane, so I can put them in a hearse!

Sir Integra Hellsing: Just shut up! Where the hell is Alucard?
Anderson: Oh, him? I killed him!
Sir Integra Hellsing: Killed him?
Anderson: Cut off his bloody head!
Sir Integra Hellsing: Oh! Well, that's step one… what about two through ten?
Anderson: Ah, Christ!
[Alucard regenerates in a shot of splendor and magnificence. (read: Awesomeness)]
Alucard: You done goofed.
Anderson: How the blood-soaked protestant hell did you do that?!
Alucard: Fuck you, that's how.

Alucard: Like the Nazis?
Sir Integra Hellsing: That would be retarded.
[Meanwhile...]
The Major: Gentlemen… ve… are Nazis!
Nazis: Sieg heil! Sieg heil!
The Major: Und ve… vill have var!
Nazis: Sieg heil! Sieg heil!
The Major: Und ve… und ve… *sneeze*
Nazis: Gesundheit! Gesundheit!

Sir Integra: Hello, Alucard. How was your mission in Japan?
Alucard: Eh... I'd say 99... [Switches to zombie at a gate] point 9 percent done.

Sir Integra: Over the last couple of years we've had some... expensive claims.
Alucard: Like what?
Sir Integra: First off -- property damage.
[cut scene of an explosion and people running away from OVA 6]
Alucard: Good times.

Alucard: Get that bitch a cannon -- bitches love cannons. (deserves to be repeated)

Sir Hugh Irons: Not to mention the priceless antique car... I believe the note on the claim was, "I thought I could paint it red, but I couldn't find enough goats, so I scrapped it".
Sir Integra: So that's why we found my father's car covered in goat blood and rammed into a Dairy Queen.

Jan Valentine: Aw man, that totally sucks! And we came all the way out here with these foreign exchange students on a field trip through England!
Guard: Where from? [countless machine gun barrels; MP5 Navy+Suppressor, to be exact, appear from the bus]
Jan Valentine: Texas!
[Jan snaps his fingers; Sub-Machine gun fire; guards killed]

Jan Valentine: [Laughing] I don't know what's fucking funnier, the fact that you think that your titless ass intimidates me, or that you think my boss would let me live if you did! [Is suddenly enveloped in blue fire, ala a Dr. Avondale Napier; as he declares] AND NOW I'M ON FUCKING FIRE! SO NOW IT'S FREE GAME! The one who sent me... WAS... NAZIS!
[Jan burns to Ashes, leaving only his hand flipping the bird.]
Sir Integra: I heard George Lucas. Who else heard George Lucas?
Walter: I heard Miami Heat.
Seras Victoria: I heard the Motley Crue with my vampire hearing.

Luke Valentine: You can't touch me, I was hand-crafted to kill you. My speed, my stamina, my power all rival, nay, dwarf yours! In comparison to you, I am a demi-god!!
(A Brief silence, as our "hero" registers what was just said.)
Alucard: ... Really? Really.
Luke Valentine: Really.
Alucard: Really?
Luke Valentine: Really!
Alucard: Really?!
Luke Valentine: Really!!
Alucard: Release Restraint, level one.
Luke Valentine: Level what? [As in the Cromwell seal restriction has been lifted to level one; Totally not Kaio-Ken, for obvious reasons.]
[Luke loses a leg, thanks to the "dwarfed" Alucard's Jackal, fired ala Baskerville the Big Black Dog.]
Luke Valentine: Aaagh, aagh, fuck!
Alucard: You know, they say that TV makes you violent, but I say that not having my TV is making me pretty fucking violent!!
[Alucard's shoots his Jackal Pistol at Luke's OTHER leg, blowing the said, right leg clean off.]
Luke Valentine: AAAAAOOOOUGH-!!! I'm near the stairs, gotta get to the stairs, if I could just get up the stairs, I... [Suddenly sees just how long said stairs really are, much to his dismay.] Aaaaaw, fuck...!
Alucard: Come on! You were talking all of that good shit a second ago, then I blew your fucking legs off!!
Luke Valentine: But, I... you... what the fuck?!
Alucard: What's wrong "demi-god"? Just grow back your legs! [As he SMASHES the leg in his hand] Summon up your demons! Hit me! FIGHT ME!!! ...Give me a hug~!
Luke Valentine: Really...? [Baskerville the AFOREMENTIONED Big Black Dog descends upon him as a certain soon-to-be bloody Valentine cries: ] OH GOD NO-!!!

Alucard:BITCH, I EAT PEOPLE!

Alucard: HEY KIDS, WANNA SEE A DEAD BODY!!?
[All of The Wild Geese start screaming.]

Alucard: Dear Chief Replacement (pope), I wanted to send you this friendly little letter to inform you of your imminent demise. If you are curious about the frequency of which I've sent these letters, it is merely to instill as much fear as I can. As if basting a turkey. Which I will then proceed to have sex with. That's right. I'm going to FUCK the fear turkey. Follow me on Twitter @TheCrimsonFuckr!

Integra: Alucard. Put the police girl on the phone.
Alucard: Really? You want to talk to... Okay, fine, whatever. (Muffled discussion between Seras and Alucard heard.)
Seras: (Picking up phone) 'Ello?
Integra: Whatever you do, do not let Alucard leave that room! Under any circumstance!
Seras: Actually, he just left. He said he was going for a walk.
Integra: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Alucard: Hey guys, how's your health plan?
[Soldiers yell and start shooting.]
Alucard: Apparently it's great!
[Men yelling and guns firing.]
Integra: (Over Alucard literally Fucking the Police) Walter. Be honest with me. What are we looking at in terms of collateral?
Walter: Well... The Alucard amount.

Alucard: Oh, shame for you... [Said as he releases Cromwell Control Art Restriction, Level 1.] You activated my Alu-Card!

Doctor: But Major, now zhat zhey know of our plans...
Major: Ah, Herr Doctor, but that iz the plan~! Now that zhey know our plan, zhey will plan around our plan, and zo we zhall in turn plan around zhe plan zhat zhey are planning around our plan!!

Major: And regardless... We have one advantage that they sorely lack... ZEPPELINS!

Alucard: Ah, the return of the why boner. With a vengeance.

Alucard: Whoops! Did I just accidentally a war?

Queen: Integra? Alucard?
Alucard: Yes, sugarlips?
Queen: When you find him, and when you kill him, I want you to record it, so I can fall asleep to it every night.
Alucard: JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, I'VE MISSED YOU!

Alucard: The Lockheed SR-71 Blackbird. An advanced long-range strategic reconnaissance aircraft capable of Mach 3 and an altitude of 85,000 feet.
Integra: You sure do seem to know a lot about it.
Alucard: DO YOU EVEN READ MY CHRISTMAS LIST?!

The Major: Gentlemen. Operation Bait Van Winkle is a rezounding success. Alucard is now exactly where we need him to be so we can move forward with our little...surprise. However, before ve begin our next phase, I would like to take some time to address a rumor floating around the fleet. Some of you have come to believe that I like var. I wish to dash these rumors! I do not like var. I. LOVE. VAR. Through my life, I have discovered so many forms of var. You get up in ze morning, you get into your shitty car, und you see a rich CEO, who works half as hard as you do, drive down ze street in his Porsche. "Class Var." You make it to vork, und you find out that ze annual drug test is today, und you just so happened to take a puff of your one-hitter a couple nights ago before dinner with your wife's awful parents. "Drug Var." But zhen, you find out that ze only ones being called in for testing are your black and Hispanic co-workers. "Race Var." Then, you try und post about it on your Facebook, but zen all your friends start arguing about vhat's right und what's wrong. "Flame Var." You finally get home, und you decide to relax by vatching a program about: "Who gets ze box?" "What's in ze box?" "How much is vhat's in ze box worth?" "Storage Vars." (chuckles) (Gustav Holsts - "The Planets - Mars, the Bringer of War" starts playing in the background) What I am telling you, my Nazi army of one zhousand vampires, is that I am a purveyor of var. And with your help over ze years, ve are now at the precipice of our true goal. You see, I vant a simple var. No Class Vars, no Drug Vars, no Race Vars, no Flame Vars, und certainly, no Cold Vars! Blueballed for forty years. Vhat I vant is a var zhat only ve can bring. A true var! A German var! The sequel you've all been vaiting for! I! VANT! VORLD! VAR! THREE!!!
 
TFS Dragon Ball Z Abridged:
Freeza: It seems our game is over, Vegeta. Now that we're done here, it's time to send you crying home to mommy.
Vegeta: My mother's dead.
Freeza: I know.

Freeza: Tell me...have you ever heard of the planet Vegeta?
Nail: ...n...no...
Freeza: Funny...because I expect to hear the same from the next person when I ask them about Namek.

Vegeta: Don't you understand!? If it didn't grant my wish, then I'm not immortal, and Freeza's going to... g-going to... (All freeze, making sounds of abject terror).
Freeza: Oh no, don't mind me. By all means; give me some ideas.

Freeza: If I'm really as bad as you say, then let God strike me down where I stand.
(gets struck by a bolt of lightning)
Freeza: Ha! Nice try, jackass! Next time, give it your A-Game!

Cell: "There's nothing more satisfying than the rush I get from watching a person disappear."
Cell: You're the first person to ask me "Who?" or "What?". Normally they just ask "Why?"

Piccolo: How... How many people?!
Cell: Enough.
 
Kayaba: One more thing, I should probably mention if your health points reach zero, your real bodies perish as well.
Random Player: What?
Kayaba: Uh, ok. If you die in the game, you die for real.
Random Player: What?
Kayaba: Really? Sometimes, things are born. They live, and then they stop. Forever.
Beat
Random Player: What?
Kayaba: *sighs* *replays Scanners scene of guy's head exploding*
Random Player: Oh my god! If we die in the game, we die for real!''
Kayaba: Yeah, I'm just gonna keep that tabbed.

Klein: Do you think he realizes he just muted himself?
Kirito: Give it a minute.
Kayaba: (unmutes himself) Alright, I just realized what happened there, it's very funny, but right now, serious time.

Honestly, Taka's voice is the #1 reason why I like these quotes so much.
 
"Dad, Dad! Mom's been shot!"
"Huh? I was totally not sleeping just now!
"Mom is dead!"
"How dead?"
"Dead enough to cause Nunnally to go blind."
"That's pretty dead..."
Lelouch and Charles Britannia, of Code MENT
 
From Higurashi Abridged, the most serious utterance of the lyrics of Safety Dance, ever, of all time, period.

Keichii (After his friends have tried to kill him and generally acted suspicious, creepy, downright terrifying, or all of the above): No, you see Mion, friendship is this dance of trust we all have to partake in, and my friends don't dance and if they don't dance then they're no friends of mine!
 
I can't believe there are no Fate Cero quotes yet.

"Faster! Harder! Laaancer..."

"I can't unorgasm myself!"

"LET ME STRADDLE YOUR MOLE! THE MOLE SPECIFICALLY!"

"That's right. I can suck my own dick."

"Does that tingle your balls?!"
 
A Nation's Virtue said:
I can't believe there are no Fate Cero quotes yet.

"Faster! Harder! Laaancer..."

"I can't unorgasm myself!"

"LET ME STRADDLE YOUR MOLE! THE MOLE SPECIFICALLY!"

"That's right. I can suck my own dick."

"Does that tingle your balls?!"
Click to expand...
Click to shrink...
Fate/Cero and nothing from Berserker?

"FUCK YOU ARTHUR I'M SO DONE WITH YOUR WHITE KNIGHT FAGGOTRY!"

"YOU PUT YOUR PENIS AWAY WHEN YOU'RE TALKING TO ME, BOY!"
"I can't! I'm naked!"
"THEN COVER IT UP!"
 
Diabel: "So, as mister Thunder Chocolate was saying, this book has some great strategies, including, how to beat the first boss, Illfang. So, as you enter the boss room he is going to throw wave after wave of disposable minions at you and you must answer in kind."

Guy in audience: "uhh, what?"

Diabel: "Send the weaker players first, good rule of thumb, if a player asks you for gold two seconds after meeting you, frontline,"

Redheaded idiot: "Hah, serves 'em right."

Diabel "If they hijack the conversation to rant about their political views, frontlines,"

Redheaded idiot: "Aww, shit"

Diabel: "If they ask female players for pics of their boobs frontlines."

Crowd:
"Oh bullshit"
"That's discrimination"
"Booooo"

Diabel: "Now, now people I think there is some valid point being made here. Now, it goes on to say here when Illfang's health goes into the red he is going to switch from his axe and buckler to to something called a 'talwar,' at that point we should initiate a strategy called, 'The Final Solution' I'm just gonna stop reading. Jesus who wrote this thing?"

*Kirito chuckles in the crowd*

SAO abridged, the whole series is great and ripe with quotes.
 
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Jeice: "Well I'm right fucked, aren't I?"
Vegeta: "Right in the Down Under."

*Vegeta charges up an attack*

Jeice: 'Clever girl.'

*Vegeta kills Jeice*
 
*after Android 17 is thrown to the ground by Piccolo
Android 17: "Seriously, what the hell's a Kami?"

Piccolo: "It means god, now bow"
*Piccolo fires on the prone Android 17 with an energy blast*
 
From Yu-Gi-Oh! Abridged Series:

Yugi: Okay, Pharaoh, you can thank me later. And remember, no hickeys! (switches to Yami)
Yami: Huh? YUGI, YOU LITTLE (BEEP)! YOU SON OF A F(BEEP)ING (BEEP) (BEEP BEEP BEEP)! I'M GOING TO TEAR OFF YOUR (BEEP) AND SHOVE THEM RIGHT UP YOUR (BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP) AND THEN (BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEPBEEPBEEP) ON YOUR (BEEP BEEP BEEPBEEPBEEP) WITH (BEEPBEEPBEEP) IN THE (BEEPBEEPBEEPBEEP) AND (BEEP BEEPBEEPBEEP) YOUR (BEEPBEEPBEEPBEEPBEEP) SO THEN YOU'LL HAVE TO (BEEP) SIDEWAYS! (BEEP) (He finally notices Téa staring at him.) Hm? Hi there.

Yusei: My god, this city has been absolutely devastated.
Jaden: Yeah! And he took my Elemental HERO Neos trading card.
Yusei: This guy has got to pay, for the people of Venice and my friends.
Jaden: And my favorite trading card!
Yusei: Who the hell are you and what's wrong with your hair!?
 
The Final Fantasy 7 Abridged Theme Song:

"My name is Cloud. I have a sword. I fight Cactuars, because I'm bored. I like to ride on Chocobos, it's better than having afros."
 
Popo: Alright maggots, listen up. Popo's 'bout to teach you the pecking order: it goes you, the dirt, the worms inside the dirt, Popo's stool, Kami; and Popo. Any questions?
Krillin: Uh, yeah, I- (gets kicked off lookout) AAAAAAAGGGGGHHHH!
[Krillin Owned Count: 3]
Popo: Enjoy the climb back up, bitch! Any more questions? (silence) Good. Then we can begin.

Kami: Mr. Popo, where did you send them?
Popo: I'll tell you where they're not: safe.
 
SAO Abridged: The entire Episode 5 Tiffany & Asuna Dialogue
(Context: "Tiffany" is a large black man, and Asuna is awkward)

Asuna: Um, but i'm the one that asked you, Chocolate Rain. T-Pain? Why're you ignorin me bro? You got cotton in your ears- OH GOD I-I DIDNT MEAN IT LIKE THAT!

Tiffany: Ah, handing the black man the murder weapon. A tale as old as time.

Asuna (To Kirito): Excuse me?! Mr. Kettle? Mr Pot called, he says you're blaaaaaaaaaaaaaa....ck.
Tiffany: What? It's a turn of phrase. It has nothing to do with race.
Asuna: I'm sorry, it's just, you look like a very angry black man.
Tiffany: Ok, you see that, that was racist.
 
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