I have ideas. Some might say I have too many ideas. Unfortunately, I also have the attention span of a drunk squirrel and can't get anything done unless I write them down. Here are some of my snippets. Don't take any of them seriously. We're starting with Genshin Inpact, but I have way too many of these.
Fable's Web of Lies (Snippets Thread)
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Snowman-Mancer 1 (Genshin Impact)
Fabled Webs
Lord Weaver, Glorious and Wise
- Location
- Arlington, VA
Legend of the Snowman-Mancer 1
Euri Lawrence
"There is something wrong with this family, brother," my beloved twin said, her icy-blue hair framing a set of dazzling, sunset eyes that gleamed with determination. "I'll change it all. This family's ridiculous notion of nobility, the people's opinion of us. One by one if I must. That will be my vengeance!"
"Sure, that sounds lovely, sis. And how are you going to do that?" I asked. I was lying atop a nearby hill, just outside Mondstadt's gates. On the ground next to me was my violin. All around, windwheel flowers bloomed merrily. I'd always been more laidback than my all-too-serious sister. "What? Are you going to join the knights?"
"Yes! Splendid idea, brother! We shall join the Knights of Favonius. What better way is there to show our sincere desire to protect the people than to join the knights?"
"Woah, woah, I don't have any interest in those uptight pricks, Eula. Those guys are almost as bad as our family."
"Euri! You must! As my twin brother, we are destined to tackle this journey together!"
I sighed. She was doing it again, giving me those irresistible puppy eyes. She'd grow up to be an absolutely stunning beauty one day, a woman who embodied both the nobility of our house and the icy determination of the Favonius Reconnaissance Captain. She would be beautiful and mighty in equal measure, so much so that save Grandmaster Varka himself, few among the knights could claim to be her better.
And yet, here and now, this was not Eula Lawrence, the Spindrift Knight. This was Eula Lawrence, my adorable younger sister. I caved beneath her puppy eyes as a lone snowman falls before the avalanche. I never was good at denying her anything.
"Fine, I'll join the knights with you," I promised.
"Pinky promise. On your name as Euri Lawrence, heir of our house."
"Really? You're going that far, dearest sister?"
"Yes!"
"As you wish," I smiled ruefully, holding out my hand. Our pinkies crossed and our thumbs met to complete this solemn oath. "But, won't you dance for me? Show me the Flickering Candlelight."
"Alright, for you, brother. But you must play the melody."
"My dearest sister is a shrewd negotiator," I said. Still, I picked up the violin and began to play.
Art was the "second soul" of nobility. Where I lacked Eula's skill at the dance, I excelled in other forms of expression. Though I preferred sculpting above all others, this was a melody I learned by heart.
She stood and began to dance. The Flickering Candlelight was the third act of the Dance of Sacrifice, a dance created by all the noble houses of Mondstadt, back before our bloody reign. The third act was said to represent House Lawrence and traditionally, it was performed by the eldest daughter of the house.
Eula loved this dance. At first, she did it because our father demanded it of her, but dancing quickly became her favorite hobby. It had been the only recreational pursuit that did not clash with our family's delicate sensibilities. The day we found out she had a knack for dancing, our father spent countless sums to hire the greatest tutors for her.
She spun and twirled with a supernatural grace that threatened to take my breath away. Though standards had laxed over the generations, Eula had insisted on learning the original, no matter how difficult. It was a dance I'd seen a thousand times before, but one that never failed to impress.
Perhaps it was because she looked so happy and lonely at the same time. The dance was a reminder of her nobility, her isolation. It was also her sole outlet for expression.
Or perhaps it was because I knew what she would one day become. Those delicate hands would one day hold a claymore taller than its wielder. Those elegant twirls would become the death's dance for monsters, bandits, and hilichurls all over Mondstadt. Already, I could see a bit of the deadly grace that would define the Spindrift Knight.
A part of me wanted to stop her. Her path would be a bloody one, with few true friends and the constant scorn of those who she'd gladly die for. And yet, as I saw the determination in her eyes, I couldn't help but give in.
Really, what kind of older brother would I be if I didn't support my sister?
X
Eula Lawrence
I was a knight of Favonius, one of two recently inducted into our order. This was to be the start of our ascension. My brother and I would defend the City of Freedom and chart a new course for House Lawrence.
And yet, he was already keeping secrets from me. Yesterday, as soon as the knighting ceremony was over, he dragged Grandmaster Varka out for a drink, saying he had information only for his ears. Not even my finely honed puppy eyes were enough to get him to spill the beans!
"Eula! Eula!" I heard Jean call. Jean Gunnhildr was my senior among the knights, a friend and rival I'd made since our training days.
We were of similar age, perhaps I was even a little older, but she'd been knighted first. I'd thought it was because of the Gunnhildr name, but her skill with the blade was nearly unmatched. Already, my brother had taken to calling her the "little lion cub." By his estimate, it wouldn't be long now before she was crowned the new Dandelion Knight.
None of that distinguished legacy could be seen on her face now though. She ran to me, eyes wide with panic. I shelved the practice claymore. She did not strike me as the sort who lost her cool easily. If she was looking for me, there was only one possible cause: Euri.
"What has my foolish brother done now?" I asked, dreading the answer.
I loved him. Truly, I did. He was the light of my life, my best friend and rock. He'd always been on my side, supporting me and guiding me with his strangely wise sayings. He'd always seemed larger than life, older than our youth would suggest.
He was brilliant, artistic, laidback, and maybe just a touch insane or prophetic, it was hard to tell sometimes. Where I struggled to find my place in Mondstadt, he'd always acted like he knew, with a surety of purpose that I envied.
But sometimes, I couldn't help but think I'd love him a little more if he wasn't also a self-professed "chaos gremlin."
"H-He's committing blasphemy! In front of the Favonius Cathedral!" she yelled, face red with anger and frustration. "You have to stop him!"
Sighing, I made to follow her. I didn't want to. Trying to stop him tended to end poorly for all involved, usually with him gathering humiliating blackmail somehow. Alas, he was my brother, which meant I was his keeper.
When I arrived, I had to suppress the urge to tear my hair out. Or laugh. One of the two. Genius or folly, there was seldom any in-between where my brother was concerned.
"See? This is heresy! Eula, stop him!" Jean yelled, waving frantically at the throng of snow golems.
Euri was… unique. Where I'd excelled at dance, he excelled at the visual arts. Oh, he was taught a great many skills as heir, but he loved making things with his hands the most. He could paint most things from memory and design clothes that made my father look like a pauper.
But most of all, he was a sculptor without equal. His creations were so lifelike that I'd frightened myself more than once as a young girl wandering the estate at night. And that incredible flair for the creative arts only increased with his Cryo Vision. He now insisted on being called the Snowman-Mancer, the greatest sculptor of Mondstadt.
As ridiculous as the name was, I couldn't deny it was fitting. He created golems, snowmen of all shapes and sizes. They were clumsy and cute at first, but then they began to practice the sword strokes he'd learned at my side. Pale imitations they might be, but when faced with dozens of snowmen with my own expertise, all of which could regenerate so long as my brother fed them mana, even I had to admit that my brother's unique combat style was effective.
And those golems were out in force today. Where he found the time to craft the dozens of snowmen, I had no clue, but here they were. Snowmen on the outer ring carried thick shields looted from the knights' armory, holding back the incensed crowd and nuns of the church.
Those snowmen inside each held picket signs. I didn't need to read them; the snowmen were happy enough to shout their contents to the city.
"Reject Barbatos! Down with the false god!"
"Embrace Bard-Batos, god of drunkards and beggars!"
"Embrace Diluc, his great high priest! Through him, the tap shall never run dry!"
"Pray for the coming of Diona, whose brews shall be divinely inspired!"
And, in the middle of it all was an extra-large snowman. My brother stood on its shoulders, a megaphone made of ice in hand, and led his "protestors" in the chants. He was as tall as me, with the same eyes and hair. Where I preferred to wear my hair short, he kept his in a long ponytail. On his head was a thick, fur cap with his personal sigil over his forehead, a stylized snowman holding a bomb with a lit fuse.
Rather than something sensible, he preferred to wear a thick winter coat that hung down to his ankles. The coat was a pristine white, with silver clasps that caught the light. How he kept that ridiculous thing clean while in the city was beyond me.
I laughed, a note of hysteria infecting my voice. "Oh… He figured out how to give them voices…"
"That's all you have to say?" Jean demanded. I'd never seen her so infuriated before. Then again, I did remember that her younger sister had joined the convent recently. "W-What he's doing is sacrilegious! Blasphemy! Heresy!"
I looked at her with hollow eyes. "Would it make you feel better if I said this is still not the dumbest thing my brother's done?"
"No! Get him down from there before he starts a riot!"
"It seems we're too late for that… He's not likely to get hurt."
"It's not him I'm worried about! The sisters look like they're going to pass out!"
I sighed. Jean was right. I'd dreaded this day, the day all of Mondstadt would learn just how eccentric my brother truly was.
Just as I was about to leap to him and knock some sense into the moron, I felt a firm hand on my shoulder. "Wrangling your brother shall not be your task today, Eula."
"Grandmaster Varka!" Jean shouted, relief evident.
"Indeed. Now, I believe I've allowed him his fun."
So saying, the grandmaster of our order strode forward. He drew his sword, and with a single slash, cleaved a path through the throng of snowmen. A howling gale of force impacted the square, yet such was his control that no one had so much as a scratch.
The square fell silent, Euri's surviving snowmen and the enraged people both. Everyone could feel it, a sense of finality that accompanied the grandmaster. Whatever had happened here, it was over now that he'd arrived.
"I see you've been enjoying yourself, recruit," the grandmaster said with a stern frown.
"Oh, you're here, grandmaster," my idiot brother said with a beaming smile. "Can I interest you in a sign? Do you have a spare moment? I can tell you all about the greatness of Bard-Batos."
"I think I'm quite alright, Sir Euri. Do you realize how serious your actions are?"
"Me? Why, I believe I am peacefully protesting the evils of Barbatos, sir. The people mock me now, but there will come a day when a crimson hawk soars where I have walked, bringing with him a flood of wine. Together, we shall herald the feline prophet, whose miracle mixology shall spread the name of Bard-Batos all throughout the land."
I had no idea what to do here. My brother couldn't possibly be serious. He wasn't just rabble-rousing anymore! He was talking back to a superior! And only a day after we joined the knights!
And yet, Grandmaster Varka looked amused by it all. His lips twitched upwards and his eyes crinkled in good humor. Was… Was this something they'd talked about yesterday night?
What the hell was he planning?
The senior knight coughed into his fist. "Right, I think I've heard enough. Euri Lawrence! For the crimes of heresy against the Anemo god, rabble-rousing, unauthorized use of Knights of Favonous equipment, and disturbing the peace, I demand that you relinquish your knight's crest, effective immediately."
"No!" I didn't even know I'd spoken up. I was already there, running to my brother. We promised we'd be knights together. We would…
"Stand down, Eula."
"Grandmaster Varka, please!"
"It's fine, sis," Euri said. That same, infuriating smile hadn't left his lips. He hopped down from his oversized snowman and caressed my face in his hands. "Being a knight has always been your dream, you know, but it's not mine. I promised I'd join the knights with you and now, I've kept that promise. Grandmaster Varka wouldn't accept my resignation so soon after I joined, so I decided to get creative."
"This isn't what I meant!"
"Of course not. But don't worry. I've kept the letter of our promise, and I'll keep the spirit also. These fuckwits don't deserve it, but for you, Mondstadt will always have a protector in me, no matter how far I am."
It struck me then. "Y-You're going away."
"Not too far, just up to Dragonspine."
"Why? Why are you leaving?" Euri was my rock, my best friend and dearest confidant. He was the other half, the person who meant the world to me.
And he was leaving. Leaving Mondstadt. Leaving me.
"There are things I want to do, things that a knight can't do," he said gently. He wiped tears from my face, tears I hadn't known I'd begun to shed. He leaned forward and kissed my forehead, like he used to do when we were children. "The world is about to get very dangerous, little sister, but don't cry. I'm not leaving forever. If nothing else, I'll have to come down for supplies once in a while."
"You're an idiot," I said, trying and failing to keep the snot from running down my face. He always did say I was an ugly crier.
"Maybe. Remember, when a legend whose name you've forgotten brings forth a storm not seen since the Cataclysm, when the Fair Lady schemes with poison in the shadows, when a golden-haired Traveler from a Distant Star arrives, carried upon the winds of change, come find me atop the Skyfrost Nail. I think, by then, I'll be in a position to help."
"W-What are you talking about? Don't go, you idiot!"
"Promise me, Eula."
What else could I say? My brother just willingly exiled himself for Barbatos knew why. "I-I promise."
"And you, little lion," he said. Jean had followed me, lurking awkwardly while we spoke. "Take care of her, okay? Eula likes to act all tough but she's a very tender girl inside."
He didn't wait for an answer. He swept his coat behind him and stood, hopping back atop his snowman.
It bent forward and morphed into a horse. Behind him, all the other snowmen that Grandmaster Varka hadn't destroyed became soldiers. They fell into lockstep with each other, spear butts of ice crashing rhythmically against the cobblestones.
"Grandmaster Varka! We shall not see each other again until you return from your expedition!" he shouted.
"What expedition?" the great knight asked.
"Ah, right. Don't worry. Leave as you please, for by then, the little lion shall sharpen her fangs. She will have earned the mantle of the Dandelion, and a bolder knight nor a more beloved leader you shall not find in all of Mondstadt, except my kid sis of course."
"Hahaha! Very well, young man. I shall remember those words. Farewell, Euri Lawrence, the Snowman-Mancer. May the winds guide you."
"Don't say that, sir. If that drunk moron guides me, I'll never get anywhere."
"Hah, a heretic to the end."
"Please tell Capitano I said hi when you see him. Oh, and Godwin is a dickless coward."
That was the last I heard of him. He faded from the rumor mill eventually, but never fully disappeared. His speech to the church, and to me, was rather public after all. Snippets would occasionally surface, usually between men who have had too much to drink and thought it was fine to mock my brother. He became known as the "Lawless Lawrence," the laughing stock in a house of disgrace.
He'd arrive in Mondstadt on occasion, always bringing with him a horde of snowmen. The way people described it, he came and went like the winter storm, always with an icy retinue that marched to a different song.
Unfortunately, I soon joined the reconnaissance division and was seldom in the city proper. I never did manage to catch his visits, much less discover his hiding place up in Dragonspine.
Whenever I returned to the city, I'd make my way to Jean's house. We'd spar, have tea with Lisa, and they would catch me up on whatever utter nonsense my brother had been up to. I missed him terribly, but he'd always been a free spirit. Simply knowing he was well was enough.
Until Diluc returned from his travels. He took over the Dawn Winery, sold his family home, and, as Euri predicted, brought forth a "flood of wine." It took me longer than I'd care to admit, but I realized after sparring with him that he was the "crimson hawk" that my brother had been talking about. When I brought up the possibility that my brother hadn't been spewing nonsense to Jean and Lisa, they dismissed it as an impossibility.
Then the Cat's Tail bar hired a new bartender, an exceptional young mixologist by the name of Diona. Her feline features were unmistakable, as was the accuracy of Euri's predictions.
The words that had been repeated mockingly suddenly took on a more somber note. Though validated only years after his self-imposed exile, his warnings had not been jests after all. At least among the knights who remembered, my brother's name gained a little more respect.
Quietly, Jean increased the training regimens of all the knights. Vision-wielders especially were encouraged to find new ways to fight, to protect. My brother had been right about Diluc and Diona. We had no reason to deny the coming of a storm, one not seen since the Cataclysm.
"Euri, what are you up to?"
Author's Note
If it wasn't obvious, this is basically a prologue before Aether/Lumine arrives in Mondstadt. I decided to make a series of flashbacks for the giggles.
Euri Lawrence
"There is something wrong with this family, brother," my beloved twin said, her icy-blue hair framing a set of dazzling, sunset eyes that gleamed with determination. "I'll change it all. This family's ridiculous notion of nobility, the people's opinion of us. One by one if I must. That will be my vengeance!"
"Sure, that sounds lovely, sis. And how are you going to do that?" I asked. I was lying atop a nearby hill, just outside Mondstadt's gates. On the ground next to me was my violin. All around, windwheel flowers bloomed merrily. I'd always been more laidback than my all-too-serious sister. "What? Are you going to join the knights?"
"Yes! Splendid idea, brother! We shall join the Knights of Favonius. What better way is there to show our sincere desire to protect the people than to join the knights?"
"Woah, woah, I don't have any interest in those uptight pricks, Eula. Those guys are almost as bad as our family."
"Euri! You must! As my twin brother, we are destined to tackle this journey together!"
I sighed. She was doing it again, giving me those irresistible puppy eyes. She'd grow up to be an absolutely stunning beauty one day, a woman who embodied both the nobility of our house and the icy determination of the Favonius Reconnaissance Captain. She would be beautiful and mighty in equal measure, so much so that save Grandmaster Varka himself, few among the knights could claim to be her better.
And yet, here and now, this was not Eula Lawrence, the Spindrift Knight. This was Eula Lawrence, my adorable younger sister. I caved beneath her puppy eyes as a lone snowman falls before the avalanche. I never was good at denying her anything.
"Fine, I'll join the knights with you," I promised.
"Pinky promise. On your name as Euri Lawrence, heir of our house."
"Really? You're going that far, dearest sister?"
"Yes!"
"As you wish," I smiled ruefully, holding out my hand. Our pinkies crossed and our thumbs met to complete this solemn oath. "But, won't you dance for me? Show me the Flickering Candlelight."
"Alright, for you, brother. But you must play the melody."
"My dearest sister is a shrewd negotiator," I said. Still, I picked up the violin and began to play.
Art was the "second soul" of nobility. Where I lacked Eula's skill at the dance, I excelled in other forms of expression. Though I preferred sculpting above all others, this was a melody I learned by heart.
She stood and began to dance. The Flickering Candlelight was the third act of the Dance of Sacrifice, a dance created by all the noble houses of Mondstadt, back before our bloody reign. The third act was said to represent House Lawrence and traditionally, it was performed by the eldest daughter of the house.
Eula loved this dance. At first, she did it because our father demanded it of her, but dancing quickly became her favorite hobby. It had been the only recreational pursuit that did not clash with our family's delicate sensibilities. The day we found out she had a knack for dancing, our father spent countless sums to hire the greatest tutors for her.
She spun and twirled with a supernatural grace that threatened to take my breath away. Though standards had laxed over the generations, Eula had insisted on learning the original, no matter how difficult. It was a dance I'd seen a thousand times before, but one that never failed to impress.
Perhaps it was because she looked so happy and lonely at the same time. The dance was a reminder of her nobility, her isolation. It was also her sole outlet for expression.
Or perhaps it was because I knew what she would one day become. Those delicate hands would one day hold a claymore taller than its wielder. Those elegant twirls would become the death's dance for monsters, bandits, and hilichurls all over Mondstadt. Already, I could see a bit of the deadly grace that would define the Spindrift Knight.
A part of me wanted to stop her. Her path would be a bloody one, with few true friends and the constant scorn of those who she'd gladly die for. And yet, as I saw the determination in her eyes, I couldn't help but give in.
Really, what kind of older brother would I be if I didn't support my sister?
X
Eula Lawrence
I was a knight of Favonius, one of two recently inducted into our order. This was to be the start of our ascension. My brother and I would defend the City of Freedom and chart a new course for House Lawrence.
And yet, he was already keeping secrets from me. Yesterday, as soon as the knighting ceremony was over, he dragged Grandmaster Varka out for a drink, saying he had information only for his ears. Not even my finely honed puppy eyes were enough to get him to spill the beans!
"Eula! Eula!" I heard Jean call. Jean Gunnhildr was my senior among the knights, a friend and rival I'd made since our training days.
We were of similar age, perhaps I was even a little older, but she'd been knighted first. I'd thought it was because of the Gunnhildr name, but her skill with the blade was nearly unmatched. Already, my brother had taken to calling her the "little lion cub." By his estimate, it wouldn't be long now before she was crowned the new Dandelion Knight.
None of that distinguished legacy could be seen on her face now though. She ran to me, eyes wide with panic. I shelved the practice claymore. She did not strike me as the sort who lost her cool easily. If she was looking for me, there was only one possible cause: Euri.
"What has my foolish brother done now?" I asked, dreading the answer.
I loved him. Truly, I did. He was the light of my life, my best friend and rock. He'd always been on my side, supporting me and guiding me with his strangely wise sayings. He'd always seemed larger than life, older than our youth would suggest.
He was brilliant, artistic, laidback, and maybe just a touch insane or prophetic, it was hard to tell sometimes. Where I struggled to find my place in Mondstadt, he'd always acted like he knew, with a surety of purpose that I envied.
But sometimes, I couldn't help but think I'd love him a little more if he wasn't also a self-professed "chaos gremlin."
"H-He's committing blasphemy! In front of the Favonius Cathedral!" she yelled, face red with anger and frustration. "You have to stop him!"
Sighing, I made to follow her. I didn't want to. Trying to stop him tended to end poorly for all involved, usually with him gathering humiliating blackmail somehow. Alas, he was my brother, which meant I was his keeper.
When I arrived, I had to suppress the urge to tear my hair out. Or laugh. One of the two. Genius or folly, there was seldom any in-between where my brother was concerned.
"See? This is heresy! Eula, stop him!" Jean yelled, waving frantically at the throng of snow golems.
Euri was… unique. Where I'd excelled at dance, he excelled at the visual arts. Oh, he was taught a great many skills as heir, but he loved making things with his hands the most. He could paint most things from memory and design clothes that made my father look like a pauper.
But most of all, he was a sculptor without equal. His creations were so lifelike that I'd frightened myself more than once as a young girl wandering the estate at night. And that incredible flair for the creative arts only increased with his Cryo Vision. He now insisted on being called the Snowman-Mancer, the greatest sculptor of Mondstadt.
As ridiculous as the name was, I couldn't deny it was fitting. He created golems, snowmen of all shapes and sizes. They were clumsy and cute at first, but then they began to practice the sword strokes he'd learned at my side. Pale imitations they might be, but when faced with dozens of snowmen with my own expertise, all of which could regenerate so long as my brother fed them mana, even I had to admit that my brother's unique combat style was effective.
And those golems were out in force today. Where he found the time to craft the dozens of snowmen, I had no clue, but here they were. Snowmen on the outer ring carried thick shields looted from the knights' armory, holding back the incensed crowd and nuns of the church.
Those snowmen inside each held picket signs. I didn't need to read them; the snowmen were happy enough to shout their contents to the city.
"Reject Barbatos! Down with the false god!"
"Embrace Bard-Batos, god of drunkards and beggars!"
"Embrace Diluc, his great high priest! Through him, the tap shall never run dry!"
"Pray for the coming of Diona, whose brews shall be divinely inspired!"
And, in the middle of it all was an extra-large snowman. My brother stood on its shoulders, a megaphone made of ice in hand, and led his "protestors" in the chants. He was as tall as me, with the same eyes and hair. Where I preferred to wear my hair short, he kept his in a long ponytail. On his head was a thick, fur cap with his personal sigil over his forehead, a stylized snowman holding a bomb with a lit fuse.
Rather than something sensible, he preferred to wear a thick winter coat that hung down to his ankles. The coat was a pristine white, with silver clasps that caught the light. How he kept that ridiculous thing clean while in the city was beyond me.
I laughed, a note of hysteria infecting my voice. "Oh… He figured out how to give them voices…"
"That's all you have to say?" Jean demanded. I'd never seen her so infuriated before. Then again, I did remember that her younger sister had joined the convent recently. "W-What he's doing is sacrilegious! Blasphemy! Heresy!"
I looked at her with hollow eyes. "Would it make you feel better if I said this is still not the dumbest thing my brother's done?"
"No! Get him down from there before he starts a riot!"
"It seems we're too late for that… He's not likely to get hurt."
"It's not him I'm worried about! The sisters look like they're going to pass out!"
I sighed. Jean was right. I'd dreaded this day, the day all of Mondstadt would learn just how eccentric my brother truly was.
Just as I was about to leap to him and knock some sense into the moron, I felt a firm hand on my shoulder. "Wrangling your brother shall not be your task today, Eula."
"Grandmaster Varka!" Jean shouted, relief evident.
"Indeed. Now, I believe I've allowed him his fun."
So saying, the grandmaster of our order strode forward. He drew his sword, and with a single slash, cleaved a path through the throng of snowmen. A howling gale of force impacted the square, yet such was his control that no one had so much as a scratch.
The square fell silent, Euri's surviving snowmen and the enraged people both. Everyone could feel it, a sense of finality that accompanied the grandmaster. Whatever had happened here, it was over now that he'd arrived.
"I see you've been enjoying yourself, recruit," the grandmaster said with a stern frown.
"Oh, you're here, grandmaster," my idiot brother said with a beaming smile. "Can I interest you in a sign? Do you have a spare moment? I can tell you all about the greatness of Bard-Batos."
"I think I'm quite alright, Sir Euri. Do you realize how serious your actions are?"
"Me? Why, I believe I am peacefully protesting the evils of Barbatos, sir. The people mock me now, but there will come a day when a crimson hawk soars where I have walked, bringing with him a flood of wine. Together, we shall herald the feline prophet, whose miracle mixology shall spread the name of Bard-Batos all throughout the land."
I had no idea what to do here. My brother couldn't possibly be serious. He wasn't just rabble-rousing anymore! He was talking back to a superior! And only a day after we joined the knights!
And yet, Grandmaster Varka looked amused by it all. His lips twitched upwards and his eyes crinkled in good humor. Was… Was this something they'd talked about yesterday night?
What the hell was he planning?
The senior knight coughed into his fist. "Right, I think I've heard enough. Euri Lawrence! For the crimes of heresy against the Anemo god, rabble-rousing, unauthorized use of Knights of Favonous equipment, and disturbing the peace, I demand that you relinquish your knight's crest, effective immediately."
"No!" I didn't even know I'd spoken up. I was already there, running to my brother. We promised we'd be knights together. We would…
"Stand down, Eula."
"Grandmaster Varka, please!"
"It's fine, sis," Euri said. That same, infuriating smile hadn't left his lips. He hopped down from his oversized snowman and caressed my face in his hands. "Being a knight has always been your dream, you know, but it's not mine. I promised I'd join the knights with you and now, I've kept that promise. Grandmaster Varka wouldn't accept my resignation so soon after I joined, so I decided to get creative."
"This isn't what I meant!"
"Of course not. But don't worry. I've kept the letter of our promise, and I'll keep the spirit also. These fuckwits don't deserve it, but for you, Mondstadt will always have a protector in me, no matter how far I am."
It struck me then. "Y-You're going away."
"Not too far, just up to Dragonspine."
"Why? Why are you leaving?" Euri was my rock, my best friend and dearest confidant. He was the other half, the person who meant the world to me.
And he was leaving. Leaving Mondstadt. Leaving me.
"There are things I want to do, things that a knight can't do," he said gently. He wiped tears from my face, tears I hadn't known I'd begun to shed. He leaned forward and kissed my forehead, like he used to do when we were children. "The world is about to get very dangerous, little sister, but don't cry. I'm not leaving forever. If nothing else, I'll have to come down for supplies once in a while."
"You're an idiot," I said, trying and failing to keep the snot from running down my face. He always did say I was an ugly crier.
"Maybe. Remember, when a legend whose name you've forgotten brings forth a storm not seen since the Cataclysm, when the Fair Lady schemes with poison in the shadows, when a golden-haired Traveler from a Distant Star arrives, carried upon the winds of change, come find me atop the Skyfrost Nail. I think, by then, I'll be in a position to help."
"W-What are you talking about? Don't go, you idiot!"
"Promise me, Eula."
What else could I say? My brother just willingly exiled himself for Barbatos knew why. "I-I promise."
"And you, little lion," he said. Jean had followed me, lurking awkwardly while we spoke. "Take care of her, okay? Eula likes to act all tough but she's a very tender girl inside."
He didn't wait for an answer. He swept his coat behind him and stood, hopping back atop his snowman.
It bent forward and morphed into a horse. Behind him, all the other snowmen that Grandmaster Varka hadn't destroyed became soldiers. They fell into lockstep with each other, spear butts of ice crashing rhythmically against the cobblestones.
"Grandmaster Varka! We shall not see each other again until you return from your expedition!" he shouted.
"What expedition?" the great knight asked.
"Ah, right. Don't worry. Leave as you please, for by then, the little lion shall sharpen her fangs. She will have earned the mantle of the Dandelion, and a bolder knight nor a more beloved leader you shall not find in all of Mondstadt, except my kid sis of course."
"Hahaha! Very well, young man. I shall remember those words. Farewell, Euri Lawrence, the Snowman-Mancer. May the winds guide you."
"Don't say that, sir. If that drunk moron guides me, I'll never get anywhere."
"Hah, a heretic to the end."
"Please tell Capitano I said hi when you see him. Oh, and Godwin is a dickless coward."
That was the last I heard of him. He faded from the rumor mill eventually, but never fully disappeared. His speech to the church, and to me, was rather public after all. Snippets would occasionally surface, usually between men who have had too much to drink and thought it was fine to mock my brother. He became known as the "Lawless Lawrence," the laughing stock in a house of disgrace.
He'd arrive in Mondstadt on occasion, always bringing with him a horde of snowmen. The way people described it, he came and went like the winter storm, always with an icy retinue that marched to a different song.
Unfortunately, I soon joined the reconnaissance division and was seldom in the city proper. I never did manage to catch his visits, much less discover his hiding place up in Dragonspine.
Whenever I returned to the city, I'd make my way to Jean's house. We'd spar, have tea with Lisa, and they would catch me up on whatever utter nonsense my brother had been up to. I missed him terribly, but he'd always been a free spirit. Simply knowing he was well was enough.
Until Diluc returned from his travels. He took over the Dawn Winery, sold his family home, and, as Euri predicted, brought forth a "flood of wine." It took me longer than I'd care to admit, but I realized after sparring with him that he was the "crimson hawk" that my brother had been talking about. When I brought up the possibility that my brother hadn't been spewing nonsense to Jean and Lisa, they dismissed it as an impossibility.
Then the Cat's Tail bar hired a new bartender, an exceptional young mixologist by the name of Diona. Her feline features were unmistakable, as was the accuracy of Euri's predictions.
The words that had been repeated mockingly suddenly took on a more somber note. Though validated only years after his self-imposed exile, his warnings had not been jests after all. At least among the knights who remembered, my brother's name gained a little more respect.
Quietly, Jean increased the training regimens of all the knights. Vision-wielders especially were encouraged to find new ways to fight, to protect. My brother had been right about Diluc and Diona. We had no reason to deny the coming of a storm, one not seen since the Cataclysm.
"Euri, what are you up to?"
Author's Note
If it wasn't obvious, this is basically a prologue before Aether/Lumine arrives in Mondstadt. I decided to make a series of flashbacks for the giggles.
Snowman-Mancer 2
Fabled Webs
Lord Weaver, Glorious and Wise
- Location
- Arlington, VA
Legend of the Snowman-Mancer 2
Euri Lawrence
"And this is how you fashion a bow-drill," a kindly old man said. Much of his once chestnut-brown hair had faded to silvery white but his eyes shone brightly with decades of wisdom.
At his feet, Eula, Amber, and I crowded in fascination as the retired outrider started a fire without a flint nor match.
He wrapped his left hand in leather before using it to press down on a dry stick. He then sawed the bow back and forth, creating a twisting motion that drove the stick into a larger piece of driftwood. In seconds, he had smoke. Kindling, cottontail plants taken from the shores of Cider Lake, was added and he soon held out a lit bundle.
"There, you see?" He said with a jovial smile. He offered the rustic firemaking kit to Amber. "Nothing to it. Now you try."
As the three of us each took our turns, I thought about the man before me.
Amber's grandfather, one Ambrose Bandel, was a man Eula and I admired more than Barbatos himself. Not only was he a man of great skill, he held no prejudice against us for our surname and ensured his granddaughter was raised with a similarly kind heart. His lessons on wilderness survival were things to be cherished, but to a pair of lonely children, Amber's friendship was worth more than words could ever say.
Amber, the chipper, outgoing girl she was, befriended Eula one day three years ago when my sister was wandering around Mondstadt. Eula and I often did so simply to get out of our estate for a time. Anything, even the scorn of the people, was better than the cold, arrogant ambivalence of the Lawrence estate.
When Amber heard that Eula was training herself to join the Knights of Favonius, she dragged her to her grandfather and insisted she join her own lessons. It wasn't long before I too got roped in by the young girl's bubbly personality. We were only seven then.
After our lessons, Mr. Bandel brought out three large boxes, about the size of our torsos. He handed one to each of us.
"I've got a special present for you three," he said.
Amber practically vibrated in her seat, the twin ends of the bandana holding her hair flopping around like bunny ears. "Is it what I think it is, grandpa?"
"Yup. Euri and Eula share a birthday and I figured I'd get you yours at the same time. Go on, kids, open them."
I was older. I had a lifetime of experience. Yet, I could not stop my hands from trembling nor my eyes from watering with gratitude. It didn't matter what was inside. This was a gift, not of obligation, but sincere and genuine kindness. It was the first of such we'd received.
We lifted the pine box to find three collapsed windriders. Amber's was a deep crimson, her favorite color, while ours were a pale blue like our hair.
"You're ten now," Mr. Bandel said. "I figure it's alright to teach you kids."
"Amber is eight," I said with a teasing smirk, as much to get a rise out of our friend as to draw attention away from my unshed tears.
If he knew what I was doing, he played along. "She'll pout for weeks if we leave her out."
"I wouldn't," Amber said indignantly. "Knights don't pout."
"Oho, then I suppose our little knight doesn't mind waiting then, hmm?"
"No! That's not fair, grandpa!"
"Hahaha, I'm only joking, of course you can learn with your friends."
I slid an arm around her, pulling her into a sideways hug. "Yeah, relax, Amber, we know you've been looking forward to gliding training more than any of us."
She "protested fiercely" in the way only an eight year old "knight" could, puffy cheeks and crossed arms and all. "You're both mean!"
X
In the end, Amber got the last laugh. Over the next few years, we quickly found out that the future Gliding Champion of Mondstadt was a prodigy in the air.
Where Eula was just okay and I had no talent for it whatsoever, Amber practically danced through the currents as if she'd been a bird in her past life. What initial trepidation she felt left her quickly, banished by the plot of her favorite storybook and replaced with a fearless jubilation that neither of us could match.
Rather than jealousy, I was currently a little peeved with her, my sister too. The two of them giggled incessantly as they looked up at me.
I hung upside down from a windmill, my windrider caught on one of its arms. Sighing, I crossed my arms and stared down at them helplessly. "Whenever you two are done laughing, how about you fetch me a ladder?"
"Hehehe, how did you even manage to fly into a windmill, Euri?" Amber asked. "This wasn't part of the flight path!"
"Never underestimate my brother's ability to become a nuisance, even to himself," my traitorous sister nodded sagely.
"Well, I guess I win the race then."
"Indeed, but at least I managed to finish the course."
I sighed and resigned myself to being the subject of their mockery, again. Truly, tween girls were vicous creatures.
"Fine," I said, "What do you want for your prize, Amber?"
The young girl held a finger to her chin. "Hmm… Oh, can I have a Euri special?"
"What's that supposed to mean?"
"Eula says you're super artistic so I want something you've made."
"Fine, just get me down from here."
"What's the magic word?" Amber sang.
"Pleae…"
"Hehehe, okay, give us a minute."
X
An hour later, Amber, Eula, and I had our feet firmly back on solid ground. Truly, if Barbatos meant for us to use those death-kites, we would have been blessed with wings.
The three of us were outside the city walls, overlooking Cider Lake. We often gathered here for a dinner picnic, or simply to fish.
Here, I presented Amber with a small, wrapped box, red with a snow-white ribbon.
"E-Euri? What's this?" Amber stammered.
"You wanted something I made, right? I've been working on this for your birthday but I figure you may as well get it early," I replied with a smile.
"What? I can wait!"
"Nah, open it. I promise you'll love it."
"R-Really? Are you sure it's okay?"
"Yeah, go ahead. I'll just have to think of something else for your actual birthday."
Amber gingerly unwrapped her gift. She gasped as she lifted a plushy into the air. "Aww, it's so cute! Is it me in bunny form?"
"Yup, and definitely not stuffed with incendiary explosives."
"What? Why would anyone turn a plushy into a bomb?"
"Gee, I wonder… Just don't call it something stupid like 'Baron Bunny,'" I said with a laugh.
Amber had to have gotten the idea for her signature explosive trap somewhere. In this timeline, I was happy to provide her that inspiration.
She stuck out her tongue. "Just for that, his name is now Baron Bunny von Thumper, Lord of Fluffington."
"Fine, whatever. As long as you're happy."
"I am!" She gave me a hug and a peck on the cheek. "Thanks, Euri, I love him."
"Good, now Eula can work extra hard to top this gift."
"It's not a contest," my sister sniffed.
"Of course not. But if it was, we both know I'd win."
"Prat."
"Can I just say I love you both?" Amber said with a sigh, well used to our bickering by now. "Oh, Euri!"
"Yes?"
"I know what I want for my birthday."
"Really? Do tell. I'd much prefer people tell me what they want rather than making me guess. If you can save me the trouble, that'd be lovely."
"Lessons. I want sewing lessons."
"Are you sure? It's not as easy as it looks, you know."
"Yup. That way, I can repair Baron Bunny if something happens. And, I can even make my own."
"Alright," I agreed easily. "I'd be happy to teach you."
X
I pulled Amber into my lap as she cried her heart out. Eula folded into her back, sandwiching the girl between us in a fierce hug.
Ambrose Bandel was dead. Neither Eula nor I could stop our own tears as we mourned the man who loved us like his own grandchildren. For my sister, his had been the sole example of true paternal love.
It was a death we'd all seen coming. He'd been unwell for a while now and the girls didn't need canon knowledge to know his time drew near.
That didn't mean his passing was any less difficult on us.
We sat on Amber's living room floor, wordlessly comforting each other as best we could. It had been all Amber could do not to break down at the funeral home.
I wasn't sure how long we stayed like that. Finally, I felt her unwrap her arms from my neck.
"Eula?" Amber whispered weakly.
"Yes, Amber?"
I felt her squirm in my lap. "I… I need to pee…"
I wasn't sure who laughed first, but we all giggled as we untangled ourselves. Amber stood on wobbly legs before hurrying to the bathroom.
I took Eula's hand and allowed her to drag me to my feet. Her face was a splotchy mess of dried tears and snot, not that mine was any different. We really were ugly criers.
"She's alone," Eula said sadly.
I nodded. I had my past life's memories to bolster me. I had canon to look forward to and prepare for. We had one another to rely on against our asshole family and the city's judging eyes.
But Amber? She'd just lost her sole remaining family.
"She doesn't have to be," I told her. "We can be there for her."
"Of course we will. She is like a sister to us."
"That she is."
X
Jean Gunnhildr
Mondstadt was at peace. Grandmaster Varka had taken me on as his personal student and I'd grown by leaps and bounds. Now, Euri wasn't the only one who called me "little lion." It never failed to get a flush out of me; I didn't feel like I'd earned that kind of regard yet, no matter what people said.
I sighed quietly into my cup of tea. It was a shame. My status as Grandmaster Varka's protege wasn't entirely undeserved, but I felt that this esteem should have been shared with Eula.
She was my rival, someone with every bit the potential I had. When it came to swordplay, we were evenly matched. Where I was groomed for leadership within the city, she had more experience out in the field than anyone else our age. This was the difference between our names, nothing more.
"Are you listening, Jean?" Lisa asked. The genius scholar had returned from Sumeru's Akademiya only a few months ago and had taken up the post of librarian. She'd quickly become one of my closest confidants, a friend who could always offer a different perspective. It wasn't uncommon to find her in my new office for mid-morning tea.
"Sorry, Lisa," I apologized. "I was just wondering how the reconnaissance mission was going."
"You mean how your rival is doing?"
"Am I that transparent?"
"Yes. In any case, things have been rather quiet lately. All I've had to deal with were a few overdue library books. I've even caught up on my beauty sleep."
I giggled. Lisa wasn't nearly as lazy as she pretended to be. "That's a good thing as far as I'm concerned. Even the hilichurl tribes have been quie–Hold on, do you hear that?"
"I don't hear anything."
I shushed her. Yes, I could hear a catchy melody, quiet but getting louder as whoever was singing drew closer.
"Jingle bells,
Jingle bells,
Jingle all the way~"
I made my way to the window and opened it wide. Sure enough, my suspicions were confirmed. It was only mid-October but I could see large snowflakes descending from the sky, carried by a southerly wind. There could only be one cause: Euri was paying his biannual visit.
"I think I hear something too," Lisa said as she joined me by the window. She held out a hand and gasped as a snowflake landed on her finger. "Is that… snow…?"
"Dashing through the snow,
In a one-horse open sleigh,
O'er the fields we go,
Laughing all the way~"
"HA. HA. HA!"
Yes, that was Euri. No one else flew into town with a full accompaniment of cackling snowmen, not that we could see him at the moment. His ride of choice was a sleigh made of Cryo energy that skated along rails of ice, dragging clouds of snow behind him.
I rocked and hummed a little to his song. It was catchy, with a cheerful air that reminded me of festivals and simple delights.
"It is," I confirmed with a bemused sigh. "I suppose it is about that time."
"I didn't realize Mondstadt suffered from fluctuating weather patterns. Have you consi–Aah!"
I could have stopped it. I'd seen it coming. Really, Euri did something like this whenever he dropped by. He sometimes came around with useful intel, but more often than not, simply to socialize. He'd tell stories of lost hikers he'd rescued or just an herb he'd found made for decent tea. Once, he fed me a jerky that I only found later was made from a fox, the very same fox whose pelt he'd had stuffed into a pillow, its soulless eyes gazing at me.
I may have hit him a bit harder than I meant to for that.
He was getting a little predictable to be honest, not that I was stupid enough to tell him that. He was exactly the sort of person who'd take that as a personal challenge and I liked predictable. Whatever satisfaction I'd get from poking fun at him wasn't worth the pandemonium he'd unleash just to prove he could.
And yet, I couldn't bring myself to defend Lisa from the snowball that sailed through the window. It exploded against her face with a wet splat. I fell into an uncontrollable fit of giggles as surprise, then thunderous wrath spread across my friend's face.
Euri's silhouette could be seen against the clouds now. There was a chorus of snowmen riding on his sleigh and singing along to his song. Really, the control he had over his constructs was downright impressive.
He slid to a stop outside my office window as the last notes of his song trailed to a close. Then, pulling his trademark, white overcoat around him like a cape, he swept into a flourishing bow. "Dame Jean, I have traveled far for the pleasure of your company."
"Hehehe, Lisa, may I introduce you to Euri–hehe–Lawrence, the Snowman-Mancer," I said. If nothing else, he wasn't boring. "Euri, this is Lisa, the new Head Librarian of the Knights of Favonius. She's got an electrifying personality."
Lightning began to crackle around my friend as her hair levitated on currents of mana. "Oh, is that the name of this dead man?"
The look of terror on Euri's face as he realized he'd missed me and struck this total stranger was one I would cherish for many nights to come. "Ah… Truce?"
"Hmm… Let me think… No."
X
Lisa didn't kill Euri, thankfully. I didn't know how I'd tell Eula that her twin brother committed suicide-by-librarian otherwise. After a few punishing zaps, we sat around my office tea table, a fresh pot made for us all.
"So, the Snowman-Mancer, hmm? I think I've heard about you. I didn't think you lived up to those rumors however," Lisa said, calmer now.
"Ahahaha, what can I say? I like to bring a bit of excitement into people's lives," Euri said with a shameless grin.
"He likes to visit twice a year or so for supplies," I informed her. "Otherwise, he mostly lives somewhere in the Dragonspine Mountains."
"Oh? You live there permanently? Most people would call that a frozen hellscape. You can't possibly survive off the land with only two visits to civilization, surely."
"I call it home. It's beautiful up there," he replied. "And no, I don't just head into town twice a year, more like once a month. I usually visit Springvale because it's a lot closer. I can trade pelts and herbs I find for food there."
"That makes sense. Then what brings you here? And why a sleigh?"
"I can answer that," I said with a laugh. "Do you remember Amber?"
"Yes, the outrider. She's a delight."
"She is. She's also quite proud of her title as Mondstadt's gliding champion, and a good friend of the Lawrence twins. She kept making fun of Euri because he's terrible at gliding."
"So he made something to glide in the air with? Does a sleigh really count?"
Euri pouted like a child. "Of course it counts. Amber just can't admit when she's outmatched."
"One of you can't at any rate," I teased.
"Hush, Jean, or I tell Lisa about your experiments with chili brew."
"T-There's no need for that!"
"Are you sure? Don't you love to brag about your wonderful little sister?"
"That's not the same!" I cleared my throat and willed the blood in my cheeks to go down. As much as I adored Barbara, her tastes were… questionable. "Ahem! So, you're here. Why?"
"Oh, don't change the subject, Jean," Lisa said with a teasing grin. "I would love to hear about your culinary experiments."
"Nope. Not today. Euri. Talk. Now."
He laughed, that frustrating man-child. "Fine, fine. As you know, I always have snowmen all across the mountain range, keeping a lookout for any suspicious activity. Mostly, I'm just trying to keep people away from my own projects, but I also look for rare herbs, minerals, and treasures."
"Right, what about it? Thank you for keeping hikers safe, by the way. I know your snowmen have led more than a few people safely back down the mountain."
"No problem. Anyway, I noticed that there has been increased Treasure Hoarder activity along the route to Mingyun Village. The route traces the edges of the mountains and isn't part of my jurisdiction–"
"You don't have jurisdiction," I pointed out, mostly for the sake of giving my friend a hard time.
Truthfully, he did, sort of. Grandmaster Varka had a letter in his drawer signed and stamped that revoked Euri's expulsion. He didn't have the public support to implement such an order thanks to Euri's family name, but he was of the opinion that Euri should be welcomed back into the knights whenever he finished… whatever he was doing up in the mountains.
As far as we knights were concerned, Euri left voluntarily and simply insisted on doing so in his usual, bombastic style. It was why no one, not even Albedo or Rosaria at the church, looked too deeply into the happenings of Dragonspine.
"Details," he waved me off. "Anyway, there have been a lot of bandits poking around nearby."
"That's on Liyue's side of the border. I'm not sure I want to do anything about that."
"True, which is why I think you should send word to the Qixing. If I had to guess, the reason for this hubbub is the emergence of a new Domain."
That got a gasp from us both. Domains were a big deal, pockets of high magical concentration that formed around temples, ruins, and similar. They inevitably contained clues about ancient civilizations, rare artifacts, or sometimes even priceless treasures and technologies. I heard that in some cases, powerful entities like gods or adepti could even isolate the space from reality entirely.
"Are you sure about this?" I asked.
"Pretty sure. There's a certain underground cavern on Liyue's side of the mountain range with a great deal of Electro energy, like a lightning storm that's somehow fully contained underground."
"I see… It could be that the Treasure Hoarders somehow heard about this place."
"Yup. Again, maybe you should send the Qixing a heads up so they can investigate."
"I will, thanks for letting me know."
He got up and rummaged around in the back of his sleigh. "I also brought some interesting goodies for Albedo. Starsilver and scarlet quartz that you can't get anywhere else. I'm sure our resident alchemist will appreciate it."
"I'm sure he will, but you know you don't have to offer him tribute, right?"
"Yeah, but it's not like I can go find R and I am poaching her son in a way."
"Who?"
"Don't worry about it."
"You know, one of these days, you're going to have to tell me where you get your information."
"Eh, that sounds boring. Anyway, that's all I had to say. Ciao~"
WIth that, he leapt out of my window and ran off, probably to Good Hunter. If I remembered right, he and Sara were good friends, maybe even a bit more.
X
Euri Lawrence
"Yeesh, Lisa hits way too hard," I whined as I sat at a table at the Good Hunter. I really hadn't thought anyone might be visiting Jean at eleven in the morning. When I saw someone poke their head out of her window, I hurled my snowball as accurately as I could. Lisa hadn't been my target.
Still funny, but wrong target.
It wasn't long before Sara came over with my usual order, the glorious Reuben sandwich. It was my sole contribution to the prestige of the Lawrence clan, just about the only compromise I made with my asshole father: Gebratenes fleisch mit sauerkraut really didn't taste that bad.
It was common German fare in my old world too. It literally translated to "roasted meat with pickled cabbage." The version my family enjoyed was so disgustingly sour though, that I had to soak the sauerkraut in water for an hour to bleed off some of that vinegar. I then slapped it between two rustic buns, made my best approximation of thousand island dressing, and made Teyvat's first Reuben sandwich.
Truly, I was a culinary genius to rival Guoba. Xiangling should bow in reverence.
"Euri! You're in town again," Sara said, sliding my plate over with a welcoming smile. "Will you be staying long?"
"Hey, Sara. How's business?"
"Oh, you know, pretty good. Business might take a hit if adventurers ever learned to make more than campfire dinners."
"Like that'll ever happen."
"Right? This is what I call prime job security," she chirped happily. "My family won't go out of business so long as we have adventurers."
Sara was one of the few civilian friends Eula and I had. In the knights, Eula's swordplay and my magic earned us a measure of respect, begrudging as it was. That hadn't translated to the general public quite yet however.
Despite that, Sara saw us as Euri and Eula first, professional homeless man and knight second, and Lawrence clan members a distant third. For that, she was easily our favorite person. Because of this, and given how little we liked our family, she was something of an unofficial mailbox for Eula and I.
I placed a gift box on the table. I'd dropped by the smithy before coming here for lunch and found Master Wagner had completed my commission. "Mind passing this along to my sister whenever she shows up next?"
"Ooh, what's in here? A gift for your little sister?"
"Yup."
"It's not fox jerky again, is it? Because Eula threatened to stab you last time," Sara reminded me.
"It's not." I opened up the box to reveal a set of vambraces, intricately decorated with snowflakes and my twin's personal sigil. "They're wristguards. Vision bearers don't really wear much armor because we don't usually need to, but a strong set of enchanted gear does come in handy every now and then. These won't interfere with her combat style while allowing her to block with her arms if push comes to shove."
"Ooh, they're also very pretty."
"Yes, Sara, they're also very pretty."
"What is it? It doesn't really look like steel."
"Starsilver. It's a type of magical silver ore that's unique to the Dragonspine Mountains. It's stronger than steel and reacts favorably to enchantments, particularly those that generate ice."
"Ooh, fancy. Sounds expensive."
"Very. Mining it is problematic for a dozen different reasons, unless you have an army of snowmen and can ignore Dragonspine's weather."
"I'll make sure she gets this," she said with a smile. "You know, she'd probably appreciate it more coming from you directly."
"She would, but I can't. She's already busy being a knight captain and I can't take too much time out from my projects."
"Just what are you working on up there, Euri?"
"Hopefully something that'll be very useful in a few years," I told her. "Don't worry, the letter contains the location of one of my campsites in Dragonspine."
She slid the box back to me. "Then give it to her yourself, you dunce!"
"Can't. That's her birthday gift. Our birthday's October fifteenth, you know."
"Oh! I'm sorry, I didn't get you anything and it's only a few days away!"
"Don't worry about it. I'll consider this favor my gift." I stood and placed mora on the table for the food. "Thanks for lunch, Sara; it was delicious."
"O-Okay. Take care, Euri."
Author's Note
Euri's fun to write. And I need to find the time to do the Aranara questline. I've legit not even left Sumeru yet.
Euri Lawrence
"And this is how you fashion a bow-drill," a kindly old man said. Much of his once chestnut-brown hair had faded to silvery white but his eyes shone brightly with decades of wisdom.
At his feet, Eula, Amber, and I crowded in fascination as the retired outrider started a fire without a flint nor match.
He wrapped his left hand in leather before using it to press down on a dry stick. He then sawed the bow back and forth, creating a twisting motion that drove the stick into a larger piece of driftwood. In seconds, he had smoke. Kindling, cottontail plants taken from the shores of Cider Lake, was added and he soon held out a lit bundle.
"There, you see?" He said with a jovial smile. He offered the rustic firemaking kit to Amber. "Nothing to it. Now you try."
As the three of us each took our turns, I thought about the man before me.
Amber's grandfather, one Ambrose Bandel, was a man Eula and I admired more than Barbatos himself. Not only was he a man of great skill, he held no prejudice against us for our surname and ensured his granddaughter was raised with a similarly kind heart. His lessons on wilderness survival were things to be cherished, but to a pair of lonely children, Amber's friendship was worth more than words could ever say.
Amber, the chipper, outgoing girl she was, befriended Eula one day three years ago when my sister was wandering around Mondstadt. Eula and I often did so simply to get out of our estate for a time. Anything, even the scorn of the people, was better than the cold, arrogant ambivalence of the Lawrence estate.
When Amber heard that Eula was training herself to join the Knights of Favonius, she dragged her to her grandfather and insisted she join her own lessons. It wasn't long before I too got roped in by the young girl's bubbly personality. We were only seven then.
After our lessons, Mr. Bandel brought out three large boxes, about the size of our torsos. He handed one to each of us.
"I've got a special present for you three," he said.
Amber practically vibrated in her seat, the twin ends of the bandana holding her hair flopping around like bunny ears. "Is it what I think it is, grandpa?"
"Yup. Euri and Eula share a birthday and I figured I'd get you yours at the same time. Go on, kids, open them."
I was older. I had a lifetime of experience. Yet, I could not stop my hands from trembling nor my eyes from watering with gratitude. It didn't matter what was inside. This was a gift, not of obligation, but sincere and genuine kindness. It was the first of such we'd received.
We lifted the pine box to find three collapsed windriders. Amber's was a deep crimson, her favorite color, while ours were a pale blue like our hair.
"You're ten now," Mr. Bandel said. "I figure it's alright to teach you kids."
"Amber is eight," I said with a teasing smirk, as much to get a rise out of our friend as to draw attention away from my unshed tears.
If he knew what I was doing, he played along. "She'll pout for weeks if we leave her out."
"I wouldn't," Amber said indignantly. "Knights don't pout."
"Oho, then I suppose our little knight doesn't mind waiting then, hmm?"
"No! That's not fair, grandpa!"
"Hahaha, I'm only joking, of course you can learn with your friends."
I slid an arm around her, pulling her into a sideways hug. "Yeah, relax, Amber, we know you've been looking forward to gliding training more than any of us."
She "protested fiercely" in the way only an eight year old "knight" could, puffy cheeks and crossed arms and all. "You're both mean!"
X
In the end, Amber got the last laugh. Over the next few years, we quickly found out that the future Gliding Champion of Mondstadt was a prodigy in the air.
Where Eula was just okay and I had no talent for it whatsoever, Amber practically danced through the currents as if she'd been a bird in her past life. What initial trepidation she felt left her quickly, banished by the plot of her favorite storybook and replaced with a fearless jubilation that neither of us could match.
Rather than jealousy, I was currently a little peeved with her, my sister too. The two of them giggled incessantly as they looked up at me.
I hung upside down from a windmill, my windrider caught on one of its arms. Sighing, I crossed my arms and stared down at them helplessly. "Whenever you two are done laughing, how about you fetch me a ladder?"
"Hehehe, how did you even manage to fly into a windmill, Euri?" Amber asked. "This wasn't part of the flight path!"
"Never underestimate my brother's ability to become a nuisance, even to himself," my traitorous sister nodded sagely.
"Well, I guess I win the race then."
"Indeed, but at least I managed to finish the course."
I sighed and resigned myself to being the subject of their mockery, again. Truly, tween girls were vicous creatures.
"Fine," I said, "What do you want for your prize, Amber?"
The young girl held a finger to her chin. "Hmm… Oh, can I have a Euri special?"
"What's that supposed to mean?"
"Eula says you're super artistic so I want something you've made."
"Fine, just get me down from here."
"What's the magic word?" Amber sang.
"Pleae…"
"Hehehe, okay, give us a minute."
X
An hour later, Amber, Eula, and I had our feet firmly back on solid ground. Truly, if Barbatos meant for us to use those death-kites, we would have been blessed with wings.
The three of us were outside the city walls, overlooking Cider Lake. We often gathered here for a dinner picnic, or simply to fish.
Here, I presented Amber with a small, wrapped box, red with a snow-white ribbon.
"E-Euri? What's this?" Amber stammered.
"You wanted something I made, right? I've been working on this for your birthday but I figure you may as well get it early," I replied with a smile.
"What? I can wait!"
"Nah, open it. I promise you'll love it."
"R-Really? Are you sure it's okay?"
"Yeah, go ahead. I'll just have to think of something else for your actual birthday."
Amber gingerly unwrapped her gift. She gasped as she lifted a plushy into the air. "Aww, it's so cute! Is it me in bunny form?"
"Yup, and definitely not stuffed with incendiary explosives."
"What? Why would anyone turn a plushy into a bomb?"
"Gee, I wonder… Just don't call it something stupid like 'Baron Bunny,'" I said with a laugh.
Amber had to have gotten the idea for her signature explosive trap somewhere. In this timeline, I was happy to provide her that inspiration.
She stuck out her tongue. "Just for that, his name is now Baron Bunny von Thumper, Lord of Fluffington."
"Fine, whatever. As long as you're happy."
"I am!" She gave me a hug and a peck on the cheek. "Thanks, Euri, I love him."
"Good, now Eula can work extra hard to top this gift."
"It's not a contest," my sister sniffed.
"Of course not. But if it was, we both know I'd win."
"Prat."
"Can I just say I love you both?" Amber said with a sigh, well used to our bickering by now. "Oh, Euri!"
"Yes?"
"I know what I want for my birthday."
"Really? Do tell. I'd much prefer people tell me what they want rather than making me guess. If you can save me the trouble, that'd be lovely."
"Lessons. I want sewing lessons."
"Are you sure? It's not as easy as it looks, you know."
"Yup. That way, I can repair Baron Bunny if something happens. And, I can even make my own."
"Alright," I agreed easily. "I'd be happy to teach you."
X
I pulled Amber into my lap as she cried her heart out. Eula folded into her back, sandwiching the girl between us in a fierce hug.
Ambrose Bandel was dead. Neither Eula nor I could stop our own tears as we mourned the man who loved us like his own grandchildren. For my sister, his had been the sole example of true paternal love.
It was a death we'd all seen coming. He'd been unwell for a while now and the girls didn't need canon knowledge to know his time drew near.
That didn't mean his passing was any less difficult on us.
We sat on Amber's living room floor, wordlessly comforting each other as best we could. It had been all Amber could do not to break down at the funeral home.
I wasn't sure how long we stayed like that. Finally, I felt her unwrap her arms from my neck.
"Eula?" Amber whispered weakly.
"Yes, Amber?"
I felt her squirm in my lap. "I… I need to pee…"
I wasn't sure who laughed first, but we all giggled as we untangled ourselves. Amber stood on wobbly legs before hurrying to the bathroom.
I took Eula's hand and allowed her to drag me to my feet. Her face was a splotchy mess of dried tears and snot, not that mine was any different. We really were ugly criers.
"She's alone," Eula said sadly.
I nodded. I had my past life's memories to bolster me. I had canon to look forward to and prepare for. We had one another to rely on against our asshole family and the city's judging eyes.
But Amber? She'd just lost her sole remaining family.
"She doesn't have to be," I told her. "We can be there for her."
"Of course we will. She is like a sister to us."
"That she is."
X
Jean Gunnhildr
Mondstadt was at peace. Grandmaster Varka had taken me on as his personal student and I'd grown by leaps and bounds. Now, Euri wasn't the only one who called me "little lion." It never failed to get a flush out of me; I didn't feel like I'd earned that kind of regard yet, no matter what people said.
I sighed quietly into my cup of tea. It was a shame. My status as Grandmaster Varka's protege wasn't entirely undeserved, but I felt that this esteem should have been shared with Eula.
She was my rival, someone with every bit the potential I had. When it came to swordplay, we were evenly matched. Where I was groomed for leadership within the city, she had more experience out in the field than anyone else our age. This was the difference between our names, nothing more.
"Are you listening, Jean?" Lisa asked. The genius scholar had returned from Sumeru's Akademiya only a few months ago and had taken up the post of librarian. She'd quickly become one of my closest confidants, a friend who could always offer a different perspective. It wasn't uncommon to find her in my new office for mid-morning tea.
"Sorry, Lisa," I apologized. "I was just wondering how the reconnaissance mission was going."
"You mean how your rival is doing?"
"Am I that transparent?"
"Yes. In any case, things have been rather quiet lately. All I've had to deal with were a few overdue library books. I've even caught up on my beauty sleep."
I giggled. Lisa wasn't nearly as lazy as she pretended to be. "That's a good thing as far as I'm concerned. Even the hilichurl tribes have been quie–Hold on, do you hear that?"
"I don't hear anything."
I shushed her. Yes, I could hear a catchy melody, quiet but getting louder as whoever was singing drew closer.
"Jingle bells,
Jingle bells,
Jingle all the way~"
I made my way to the window and opened it wide. Sure enough, my suspicions were confirmed. It was only mid-October but I could see large snowflakes descending from the sky, carried by a southerly wind. There could only be one cause: Euri was paying his biannual visit.
"I think I hear something too," Lisa said as she joined me by the window. She held out a hand and gasped as a snowflake landed on her finger. "Is that… snow…?"
"Dashing through the snow,
In a one-horse open sleigh,
O'er the fields we go,
Laughing all the way~"
"HA. HA. HA!"
Yes, that was Euri. No one else flew into town with a full accompaniment of cackling snowmen, not that we could see him at the moment. His ride of choice was a sleigh made of Cryo energy that skated along rails of ice, dragging clouds of snow behind him.
I rocked and hummed a little to his song. It was catchy, with a cheerful air that reminded me of festivals and simple delights.
"It is," I confirmed with a bemused sigh. "I suppose it is about that time."
"I didn't realize Mondstadt suffered from fluctuating weather patterns. Have you consi–Aah!"
I could have stopped it. I'd seen it coming. Really, Euri did something like this whenever he dropped by. He sometimes came around with useful intel, but more often than not, simply to socialize. He'd tell stories of lost hikers he'd rescued or just an herb he'd found made for decent tea. Once, he fed me a jerky that I only found later was made from a fox, the very same fox whose pelt he'd had stuffed into a pillow, its soulless eyes gazing at me.
I may have hit him a bit harder than I meant to for that.
He was getting a little predictable to be honest, not that I was stupid enough to tell him that. He was exactly the sort of person who'd take that as a personal challenge and I liked predictable. Whatever satisfaction I'd get from poking fun at him wasn't worth the pandemonium he'd unleash just to prove he could.
And yet, I couldn't bring myself to defend Lisa from the snowball that sailed through the window. It exploded against her face with a wet splat. I fell into an uncontrollable fit of giggles as surprise, then thunderous wrath spread across my friend's face.
Euri's silhouette could be seen against the clouds now. There was a chorus of snowmen riding on his sleigh and singing along to his song. Really, the control he had over his constructs was downright impressive.
He slid to a stop outside my office window as the last notes of his song trailed to a close. Then, pulling his trademark, white overcoat around him like a cape, he swept into a flourishing bow. "Dame Jean, I have traveled far for the pleasure of your company."
"Hehehe, Lisa, may I introduce you to Euri–hehe–Lawrence, the Snowman-Mancer," I said. If nothing else, he wasn't boring. "Euri, this is Lisa, the new Head Librarian of the Knights of Favonius. She's got an electrifying personality."
Lightning began to crackle around my friend as her hair levitated on currents of mana. "Oh, is that the name of this dead man?"
The look of terror on Euri's face as he realized he'd missed me and struck this total stranger was one I would cherish for many nights to come. "Ah… Truce?"
"Hmm… Let me think… No."
X
Lisa didn't kill Euri, thankfully. I didn't know how I'd tell Eula that her twin brother committed suicide-by-librarian otherwise. After a few punishing zaps, we sat around my office tea table, a fresh pot made for us all.
"So, the Snowman-Mancer, hmm? I think I've heard about you. I didn't think you lived up to those rumors however," Lisa said, calmer now.
"Ahahaha, what can I say? I like to bring a bit of excitement into people's lives," Euri said with a shameless grin.
"He likes to visit twice a year or so for supplies," I informed her. "Otherwise, he mostly lives somewhere in the Dragonspine Mountains."
"Oh? You live there permanently? Most people would call that a frozen hellscape. You can't possibly survive off the land with only two visits to civilization, surely."
"I call it home. It's beautiful up there," he replied. "And no, I don't just head into town twice a year, more like once a month. I usually visit Springvale because it's a lot closer. I can trade pelts and herbs I find for food there."
"That makes sense. Then what brings you here? And why a sleigh?"
"I can answer that," I said with a laugh. "Do you remember Amber?"
"Yes, the outrider. She's a delight."
"She is. She's also quite proud of her title as Mondstadt's gliding champion, and a good friend of the Lawrence twins. She kept making fun of Euri because he's terrible at gliding."
"So he made something to glide in the air with? Does a sleigh really count?"
Euri pouted like a child. "Of course it counts. Amber just can't admit when she's outmatched."
"One of you can't at any rate," I teased.
"Hush, Jean, or I tell Lisa about your experiments with chili brew."
"T-There's no need for that!"
"Are you sure? Don't you love to brag about your wonderful little sister?"
"That's not the same!" I cleared my throat and willed the blood in my cheeks to go down. As much as I adored Barbara, her tastes were… questionable. "Ahem! So, you're here. Why?"
"Oh, don't change the subject, Jean," Lisa said with a teasing grin. "I would love to hear about your culinary experiments."
"Nope. Not today. Euri. Talk. Now."
He laughed, that frustrating man-child. "Fine, fine. As you know, I always have snowmen all across the mountain range, keeping a lookout for any suspicious activity. Mostly, I'm just trying to keep people away from my own projects, but I also look for rare herbs, minerals, and treasures."
"Right, what about it? Thank you for keeping hikers safe, by the way. I know your snowmen have led more than a few people safely back down the mountain."
"No problem. Anyway, I noticed that there has been increased Treasure Hoarder activity along the route to Mingyun Village. The route traces the edges of the mountains and isn't part of my jurisdiction–"
"You don't have jurisdiction," I pointed out, mostly for the sake of giving my friend a hard time.
Truthfully, he did, sort of. Grandmaster Varka had a letter in his drawer signed and stamped that revoked Euri's expulsion. He didn't have the public support to implement such an order thanks to Euri's family name, but he was of the opinion that Euri should be welcomed back into the knights whenever he finished… whatever he was doing up in the mountains.
As far as we knights were concerned, Euri left voluntarily and simply insisted on doing so in his usual, bombastic style. It was why no one, not even Albedo or Rosaria at the church, looked too deeply into the happenings of Dragonspine.
"Details," he waved me off. "Anyway, there have been a lot of bandits poking around nearby."
"That's on Liyue's side of the border. I'm not sure I want to do anything about that."
"True, which is why I think you should send word to the Qixing. If I had to guess, the reason for this hubbub is the emergence of a new Domain."
That got a gasp from us both. Domains were a big deal, pockets of high magical concentration that formed around temples, ruins, and similar. They inevitably contained clues about ancient civilizations, rare artifacts, or sometimes even priceless treasures and technologies. I heard that in some cases, powerful entities like gods or adepti could even isolate the space from reality entirely.
"Are you sure about this?" I asked.
"Pretty sure. There's a certain underground cavern on Liyue's side of the mountain range with a great deal of Electro energy, like a lightning storm that's somehow fully contained underground."
"I see… It could be that the Treasure Hoarders somehow heard about this place."
"Yup. Again, maybe you should send the Qixing a heads up so they can investigate."
"I will, thanks for letting me know."
He got up and rummaged around in the back of his sleigh. "I also brought some interesting goodies for Albedo. Starsilver and scarlet quartz that you can't get anywhere else. I'm sure our resident alchemist will appreciate it."
"I'm sure he will, but you know you don't have to offer him tribute, right?"
"Yeah, but it's not like I can go find R and I am poaching her son in a way."
"Who?"
"Don't worry about it."
"You know, one of these days, you're going to have to tell me where you get your information."
"Eh, that sounds boring. Anyway, that's all I had to say. Ciao~"
WIth that, he leapt out of my window and ran off, probably to Good Hunter. If I remembered right, he and Sara were good friends, maybe even a bit more.
X
Euri Lawrence
"Yeesh, Lisa hits way too hard," I whined as I sat at a table at the Good Hunter. I really hadn't thought anyone might be visiting Jean at eleven in the morning. When I saw someone poke their head out of her window, I hurled my snowball as accurately as I could. Lisa hadn't been my target.
Still funny, but wrong target.
It wasn't long before Sara came over with my usual order, the glorious Reuben sandwich. It was my sole contribution to the prestige of the Lawrence clan, just about the only compromise I made with my asshole father: Gebratenes fleisch mit sauerkraut really didn't taste that bad.
It was common German fare in my old world too. It literally translated to "roasted meat with pickled cabbage." The version my family enjoyed was so disgustingly sour though, that I had to soak the sauerkraut in water for an hour to bleed off some of that vinegar. I then slapped it between two rustic buns, made my best approximation of thousand island dressing, and made Teyvat's first Reuben sandwich.
Truly, I was a culinary genius to rival Guoba. Xiangling should bow in reverence.
"Euri! You're in town again," Sara said, sliding my plate over with a welcoming smile. "Will you be staying long?"
"Hey, Sara. How's business?"
"Oh, you know, pretty good. Business might take a hit if adventurers ever learned to make more than campfire dinners."
"Like that'll ever happen."
"Right? This is what I call prime job security," she chirped happily. "My family won't go out of business so long as we have adventurers."
Sara was one of the few civilian friends Eula and I had. In the knights, Eula's swordplay and my magic earned us a measure of respect, begrudging as it was. That hadn't translated to the general public quite yet however.
Despite that, Sara saw us as Euri and Eula first, professional homeless man and knight second, and Lawrence clan members a distant third. For that, she was easily our favorite person. Because of this, and given how little we liked our family, she was something of an unofficial mailbox for Eula and I.
I placed a gift box on the table. I'd dropped by the smithy before coming here for lunch and found Master Wagner had completed my commission. "Mind passing this along to my sister whenever she shows up next?"
"Ooh, what's in here? A gift for your little sister?"
"Yup."
"It's not fox jerky again, is it? Because Eula threatened to stab you last time," Sara reminded me.
"It's not." I opened up the box to reveal a set of vambraces, intricately decorated with snowflakes and my twin's personal sigil. "They're wristguards. Vision bearers don't really wear much armor because we don't usually need to, but a strong set of enchanted gear does come in handy every now and then. These won't interfere with her combat style while allowing her to block with her arms if push comes to shove."
"Ooh, they're also very pretty."
"Yes, Sara, they're also very pretty."
"What is it? It doesn't really look like steel."
"Starsilver. It's a type of magical silver ore that's unique to the Dragonspine Mountains. It's stronger than steel and reacts favorably to enchantments, particularly those that generate ice."
"Ooh, fancy. Sounds expensive."
"Very. Mining it is problematic for a dozen different reasons, unless you have an army of snowmen and can ignore Dragonspine's weather."
"I'll make sure she gets this," she said with a smile. "You know, she'd probably appreciate it more coming from you directly."
"She would, but I can't. She's already busy being a knight captain and I can't take too much time out from my projects."
"Just what are you working on up there, Euri?"
"Hopefully something that'll be very useful in a few years," I told her. "Don't worry, the letter contains the location of one of my campsites in Dragonspine."
She slid the box back to me. "Then give it to her yourself, you dunce!"
"Can't. That's her birthday gift. Our birthday's October fifteenth, you know."
"Oh! I'm sorry, I didn't get you anything and it's only a few days away!"
"Don't worry about it. I'll consider this favor my gift." I stood and placed mora on the table for the food. "Thanks for lunch, Sara; it was delicious."
"O-Okay. Take care, Euri."
Author's Note
Euri's fun to write. And I need to find the time to do the Aranara questline. I've legit not even left Sumeru yet.
Captain Morgan 1 (LoL, Star Guardian)
Fabled Webs
Lord Weaver, Glorious and Wise
- Location
- Arlington, VA
Preface
I have no idea where this came from. The funny thing about this is that I was sober when I wrote this so I can't even blame drunk-Fable.
I wanted to write for League again, but a running joke of mine is that the best way to write LoL fanfiction is to not write LoL fanfiction (set in Runeterra).
The Adventures of Captain Morgan 1
Morgan Olsen
My soul shivered in excitement. "Wait, you're telling me I can go to Runeterra, get special powers, and bang hot chicks?"
"You'll have to work for that last one, but sure," replied the totally-legit entity whose ominous, black aura I was conveniently ignoring.
"Is Ahri there?"
"Yes."
"Fuck yes. I'm in."
"A-Are you sure? You haven't even heard what I want you to do there."
"I paid five hundred bucks so I could simp for Ahri. She's not even my main. You really think I'm going to stop now?" I asked him, completely seriously. Ahri was love. Ahri was life.
"You're right. Thank Kyubey for idiots…"
"Damn straight. Kyubi is just Japanese for nine times the bae."
"You know what? Here's your isekai care package. Enjoy yourself," he said. As I vanished from the space between worlds, I heard him say, "You hopeless imbecile."
X
I woke up with a jolt of pain.
Something was wrong. Something was very wrong. I stumbled drowsily to my feet. Through instincts that were not entirely mine, I stumbled to the bathroom. The reflection in the mirror sent a shiver of dread down my spine.
I was not a twenty-two year old college student who played League of Legends for his university's esports team. I was a boy, a child who ought to be going to soccer camps and little league baseball games.
The memories that flooded in confirmed it: I was twelve again.
Morgan Reese was gone. I was now Morgan Olsen, son of Erik and Gina Olsen. I was twelve years old and about to enter seventh grade. I lived on Runeterra, and technically in Valoran, but not Valoran the continent. No, I was in Valoran City, capital and largest city in the nation by the same name.
As if that wasn't bad enough, my parents were dead. They died under "mysterious circumstances" that no one would tell me about, though that might have been because I was a snot-nosed brat until literally two minutes ago.
To add to this bizarro sundae, my guardian was Uncle Gragas, mom's older brother, as in the fat boozehound Champion. I wasn't sure how to feel about that. He was my main for so long, but I hadn't realized I'd be meeting him quite like this. Instead of Ahri's fluffy tails, I was being handed off to the drunkest man on Runeterra.
Apparently, in this reality, he was CEO and president of the Graggy Ice Brewing Company, the largest of its kind in Valoran (the country). The company started out with their signature Graggy Ice light beer, but quickly expanded to mead and ale when Uncle Gragas met dad.
Dad's younger brother? Olaf "call me Brolaf" Olsen.
Yeah… My head hurt just thinking about this shitshow.
Why was I even here? Magic existed, as did yordles and vastaya, but there wasn't any scary, world-shaping conflict mini-Morgan could remember. Demacia wasn't going all Hitler on its own mages. Noxus wasn't fucking Ionia up the ass. Chicken-man hadn't remade his glorified sand castle in fantasy-Africa.
Best of all, the Aspects and Darkin weren't a thing as far as I knew. That meant Xolaani wasn't about to destroy a good chunk of the world until Ryze got off his blueberry ass and Smited her into oblivion via the World Runes.
Which again raised the question: Why was I here?
There was no Ahri in sight, which meant the shadowy ROB probably wanted me to do something. I'd agreed to that thing and I didn't know what I agreed to, distracted as I was by the thought of Ahri's creamy thighs.
"I… I may have made a mistake," I muttered.
"It was no mistake, Morgan Olsen," a solemn, masculine voice intoned.
"Holy fuck!" I shouted. I jumped a foot in the air. Turning, I found a calico rabbit, about the size of a volleyball. "Did… Did you say that?"
"Indeed. I am Calico Jack, and I have been sent to you to act as your guide and conduit."
I had a bad feeling about this. "Sent by who? Conduit to what?"
"Both answers are one and the same, I was sent by the First Star. Congratulations, Morgan, you are the first of this generation's Star Guardians."
"No. No fucking way."
"What? You get magic powers! Immortality!"
"Yeah? How many Star Guardians from past generations are still alive and well?"
"Plenty. There's Ahri, Nilah, Janna…"
"And how many past generations have there been?" I asked pointedly, ignoring the confirmation of Ahri's existence for the moment. I wasn't that much of a simp.
"..."
"Yeah, I fucking thought so."
This was bad. I knew League lore like the back of my hand. I'd always thought it was a shame Runeterra lacked a singular medium that had all its canon lore. My biggest gripe with Arcane wasn't anything against the show, only that I wished it included a broader perspective of Runeterra as a whole, not just Piltover and Zaun.
On the flip side, I knew only the bare bones when it came to the Star Guardians alternate timeline. The skins were cool. The First Star anointed Star Guardians. They fought the darkness, which really meant the Void and the Star Nemesis line of skins. They were all destined to live tragically short lives despite the First Star's many blessings because the writers took inspiration from Puella Madoka instead of a more happy-go-lucky show.
Oh, and the music videos slapped. The songs were really catchy.
That's it. That was all I knew. It wasn't like these alternate timelines got fleshed out by the Riot staff anyway.
Which meant I was up shit creek without a paddle. Or a canoe. God, I'd fucking love a canoe right now, and the devil's bargain with this fucking bunny didn't count!
"You must, Morgan Olsen," Calico Jack said. "It is your destiny. In you lies tremendous power. Yours is the power to stave off the darkness, to banish the creatures of the Void. You were meant for more."
A sinking pit formed in my stomach. "This… This was the deal, wasn't it? The price for reincarnation?"
"It was. The First Star sought something different, a Spark from a Foreign Star. You are that Spark."
"This is my 'care package…'"
"You are a protector. Please, allow me to show you the Guardian you can truly become."
"No. No way in hell. I'm fucking twelve!"
"You are not, appearances aside."
"I'm not going to stay a midget forever! Come back in ten years!"
"I can't do that, Morgan. You've been chosen."
"No. I refuse. Tell the First Star it can fight its own battles," I muttered as I stalked away, fuming. I felt betrayed. Where was my fluffy, funny isekai experience?
X
"God, I need a drink," I groaned as I stared up at the clouds. I was at a nearby park, sprawled out on the grass as though my will to live had been sucked away.
I was halfway through summer break. Typically, mini-Morgan spent his days playing soccer with his friends but I couldn't find it in me to act like a child again, not with this shit weighing over my head.
The Star Guardians… Just the name made me want to throw up. I'd gone to university after a gap year, not because I figured out what I wanted to do with my life, but because I hadn't. I was chronically allergic to responsibility.
I hated taking charge of anything. Group projects. League matches. Anything at all. If it involved someone else, they could be the shot-caller, not me. But here was this bunny, swearing up and down that I was destined to fight for the universe. Maybe someone else would be excited in my place, but not me.
That was altogether too much responsibility in my opinion. I was just some boozy gamer coasting through life on daddy's money, not exactly "save the world" material, never mind the entire fucking universe.
Besides, wasn't Lux supposed to be the first of the new guard?
I really wanted a drink. I'd binged a bottle or two of Crown Royal for a lot less than this. I was a stress-drinker. But so what? It kept me mellow, damnit.
Then I heard it, the sound of glass cracking. It was faint, as though distant. Or maybe muted, like if it happened underwater. I didn't know; it wasn't like I was a musician or whatever.
I groaned and picked myself up. I looked around to see if anyone needed help. The park I was in was fairly small, two basketball courts, a kiddy playground, and some grass. I didn't think I'd hear any glass nearby. Maybe someone dropped a thermos or something?
Out of the corner of my eye, I found what made the sound. There, above the playground swings, was a thin, hairline crack in the sky. It drew my eye as if it had a gravity all its own, as if I was meant to look for it.
Even as I watched, I heard another cracking noise. Violet light seeped into the world from the cracks. Others were starting to notice. A mother and her three kids looked up, momentarily distracted from their conversation. An older boy watching his little brother turned away, only to squint in confusion. Two more women, gossiping while their kids played in the sandbox, looked for the noise, only to gasp in surprise.
Something was happening, and I had a feeling I knew what. I bolted upright, screaming out before I knew what I was doing. "Get away! Away from the crack!"
That roused the adults. They began to herd the kids away from the strange phenomenon. If it was what I thought it was, I doubted they could move fast enough.
Then, as if to prove my point, an ear-splitting noise filled the air as the cracks widened and shattered. Strange, spider-like creatures scurried forth. They were quadrupedal but had insect-like, chitinous bodies. Sharp claws and scythe-like mandibles clacked menacingly.
Someone started screaming. I didn't know who. It made everything so much worse. People froze, but the voidlings, could be nothing else, had no such compunctions. They lunged and people died.
I ran. I'd warned them. This… This wasn't my fault. This wasn't my responsibility.
I bolted like a bat out of hell until I reached the basketball courts. There, behind the brickwork bathrooms, I allowed myself to pause and catch my breath.
My heart pounded in my ears. Each breath came raggedly and I could taste blood with each exhale. I'd never been more terrified.
People were dying out there, but this wouldn't last, I told myself. Valoran City had its protectors. Police with hextech guns. It even had a mage academy, even if mages were really rare. Mini-Morgan didn't know what-all mages could do, but they could handle a few voidlings, surely.
It didn't need to be me.
It shouldn't need to be me. I was a powerless twelve year old.
'Because you rejected that power,' a voice whispered accusingly in my ear.
I heard someone fall and shout. Trembling, I poked my head from behind the brick wall. My eyes found the older boy. He'd been leading his little brother away, pushing him ahead as he used his own body to shield his sibling, until a voidling had lunged and lashed at his leg.
Behind him, the voidling had sunk its teeth into his calf. In front was his little brother, probably eight or nine, paralyzed with fear.
They were going to die. Both of them. The voidling was going to eat the older brother and make the younger watch. If I moved, it would see me too.
Our eyes met. Pain and fear clouded his eyes, but he reached for his brother nonetheless. Behind him, I saw the voidling raise its claw in the air, a killing blow.
I didn't know what came over me. I'd think about what I'd done for years later, but I'd find no satisfactory answer.
I was no hero. I hated responsibility. I liked that about myself. I just… I just wanted to live my life, floating carefree and having a good time.
Yet, I found myself throwing myself at the voidling like a fucking idiot.
I let out a wordless roar that probably sounded more like a broken squeak. I wasn't even sure what I was looking at anymore. All I felt was the white-hot pain of its claws sinking into my arms.
Voidlings, as I'd found, were heavy, heavier than me. They were half my size but I could not push even one of them back. Even as I fought desperately, I knew that this would be the last thing I'd ever do.
I would die, right here, mere hours after my starting my "isekai experience." I would die an utterly meaningless death, just to buy some brat I didn't even know a few extra seconds.
'The light is in you, my Guardian,' I heard a faint voice call. It was probably the blood loss talking, but she sounded so melodic, tragic and sorrowful, but determined. 'Cry out! Resist! Do not give in! Please, just a little longer.'
I was tired. I was a powerless twelve year old brat who'd decided to wrestle a spider-shaped blender. I could feel its claws and mandibles taking chunks from me. It all bled together until my world became a single, unceasing river of agony.
Blood, my blood, splattered the ground. My arms felt weak even as my fingers closed around its two, front limbs. At this point, I wondered if there was more blood in me or out of me.
'Fight, Guardian! He is so close. Cling to life with all you are. There is still a chance.'
A flash of orange and white danced across my vision. The voidling's claws lashed my palms as it was torn from me. Then, the pain stopped. Through teary eyes, I saw the voidling that had been punted off of me. My vision swam. My eyes could barely focus on the bunny in front of me.
"Really, Morgan, if you were going to play hero anyway, you should have let me anoint you properly," he huffed. Calico Jack. It had to be. I… I hadn't imagined the voice. "Well, I guess you're not all bad, you wishy-washy fool."
He reached out his paw and placed it on my head.
I had no idea what exactly happened after that. There was a bright light, a burst of white and blue that filled the basketball court. Power and warmth flooded me as I touched something older than the universe itself. Time seemed to flow backwards as my lacerations healed, the very blood on the ground flowing back into my body.
The First Star had found her Star Guardian. It was a moment of cosmic significance, each such event immortalized in the history of the universe itself.
And yet, through it all, I could only wish I had a stiff drink.
Author's Note
Yes, a Star Guardian isekai experience. I have no idea what I'm doing, but it sounded like an interesting writing topic.
Calico Jack is the name of an English pirate captain. He sucked at his job.
He was given a pardon in 1719 and went legit for less than a year. During that time, he had an affair with a woman (Anne Bonny) and turned back to piracy. Bonny followed him and Mary Read pretended to be a man on his ship.
He was captured in October, 1720 and executed in November. That's his entire legacy. He's famous because he had two women on board.
Bonny and Read escaped hanging because they claimed they were pregnant. Read died in her cell the next year, likely from complications following pregnancy, but we don't know what happened to Bonny.
Thank you to all of my patrons. As many of you know, I update at least once a week. That said, I update much more frequently on Pat-re-on. If you would like to drop a tip, read my stories early, or vote in monthly polls, come and visit. As of now, this is how far along each story is:
- A Colorful Life: 32
- A Life Worth Living: 7
- Homeless Bunny: 27.5
- Legendary Tinker: 9.1
- Plan? What Plan?: 5.6
- Pokemon: Apocalypse: 1.18
- The Holy Grill: 3.3
- Troll in the Dungeon!: 27
- When is a Spoon a Sword?: 4.18
- Let There be War: 9 (Complete)
- Snippets & Omake Exclusives: 12
Total Chapter Difference (Pat-re-on - Public): 43
I have no idea where this came from. The funny thing about this is that I was sober when I wrote this so I can't even blame drunk-Fable.
I wanted to write for League again, but a running joke of mine is that the best way to write LoL fanfiction is to not write LoL fanfiction (set in Runeterra).
The Adventures of Captain Morgan 1
Morgan Olsen
My soul shivered in excitement. "Wait, you're telling me I can go to Runeterra, get special powers, and bang hot chicks?"
"You'll have to work for that last one, but sure," replied the totally-legit entity whose ominous, black aura I was conveniently ignoring.
"Is Ahri there?"
"Yes."
"Fuck yes. I'm in."
"A-Are you sure? You haven't even heard what I want you to do there."
"I paid five hundred bucks so I could simp for Ahri. She's not even my main. You really think I'm going to stop now?" I asked him, completely seriously. Ahri was love. Ahri was life.
"You're right. Thank Kyubey for idiots…"
"Damn straight. Kyubi is just Japanese for nine times the bae."
"You know what? Here's your isekai care package. Enjoy yourself," he said. As I vanished from the space between worlds, I heard him say, "You hopeless imbecile."
X
I woke up with a jolt of pain.
Something was wrong. Something was very wrong. I stumbled drowsily to my feet. Through instincts that were not entirely mine, I stumbled to the bathroom. The reflection in the mirror sent a shiver of dread down my spine.
I was not a twenty-two year old college student who played League of Legends for his university's esports team. I was a boy, a child who ought to be going to soccer camps and little league baseball games.
The memories that flooded in confirmed it: I was twelve again.
Morgan Reese was gone. I was now Morgan Olsen, son of Erik and Gina Olsen. I was twelve years old and about to enter seventh grade. I lived on Runeterra, and technically in Valoran, but not Valoran the continent. No, I was in Valoran City, capital and largest city in the nation by the same name.
As if that wasn't bad enough, my parents were dead. They died under "mysterious circumstances" that no one would tell me about, though that might have been because I was a snot-nosed brat until literally two minutes ago.
To add to this bizarro sundae, my guardian was Uncle Gragas, mom's older brother, as in the fat boozehound Champion. I wasn't sure how to feel about that. He was my main for so long, but I hadn't realized I'd be meeting him quite like this. Instead of Ahri's fluffy tails, I was being handed off to the drunkest man on Runeterra.
Apparently, in this reality, he was CEO and president of the Graggy Ice Brewing Company, the largest of its kind in Valoran (the country). The company started out with their signature Graggy Ice light beer, but quickly expanded to mead and ale when Uncle Gragas met dad.
Dad's younger brother? Olaf "call me Brolaf" Olsen.
Yeah… My head hurt just thinking about this shitshow.
Why was I even here? Magic existed, as did yordles and vastaya, but there wasn't any scary, world-shaping conflict mini-Morgan could remember. Demacia wasn't going all Hitler on its own mages. Noxus wasn't fucking Ionia up the ass. Chicken-man hadn't remade his glorified sand castle in fantasy-Africa.
Best of all, the Aspects and Darkin weren't a thing as far as I knew. That meant Xolaani wasn't about to destroy a good chunk of the world until Ryze got off his blueberry ass and Smited her into oblivion via the World Runes.
Which again raised the question: Why was I here?
There was no Ahri in sight, which meant the shadowy ROB probably wanted me to do something. I'd agreed to that thing and I didn't know what I agreed to, distracted as I was by the thought of Ahri's creamy thighs.
"I… I may have made a mistake," I muttered.
"It was no mistake, Morgan Olsen," a solemn, masculine voice intoned.
"Holy fuck!" I shouted. I jumped a foot in the air. Turning, I found a calico rabbit, about the size of a volleyball. "Did… Did you say that?"
"Indeed. I am Calico Jack, and I have been sent to you to act as your guide and conduit."
I had a bad feeling about this. "Sent by who? Conduit to what?"
"Both answers are one and the same, I was sent by the First Star. Congratulations, Morgan, you are the first of this generation's Star Guardians."
"No. No fucking way."
"What? You get magic powers! Immortality!"
"Yeah? How many Star Guardians from past generations are still alive and well?"
"Plenty. There's Ahri, Nilah, Janna…"
"And how many past generations have there been?" I asked pointedly, ignoring the confirmation of Ahri's existence for the moment. I wasn't that much of a simp.
"..."
"Yeah, I fucking thought so."
This was bad. I knew League lore like the back of my hand. I'd always thought it was a shame Runeterra lacked a singular medium that had all its canon lore. My biggest gripe with Arcane wasn't anything against the show, only that I wished it included a broader perspective of Runeterra as a whole, not just Piltover and Zaun.
On the flip side, I knew only the bare bones when it came to the Star Guardians alternate timeline. The skins were cool. The First Star anointed Star Guardians. They fought the darkness, which really meant the Void and the Star Nemesis line of skins. They were all destined to live tragically short lives despite the First Star's many blessings because the writers took inspiration from Puella Madoka instead of a more happy-go-lucky show.
Oh, and the music videos slapped. The songs were really catchy.
That's it. That was all I knew. It wasn't like these alternate timelines got fleshed out by the Riot staff anyway.
Which meant I was up shit creek without a paddle. Or a canoe. God, I'd fucking love a canoe right now, and the devil's bargain with this fucking bunny didn't count!
"You must, Morgan Olsen," Calico Jack said. "It is your destiny. In you lies tremendous power. Yours is the power to stave off the darkness, to banish the creatures of the Void. You were meant for more."
A sinking pit formed in my stomach. "This… This was the deal, wasn't it? The price for reincarnation?"
"It was. The First Star sought something different, a Spark from a Foreign Star. You are that Spark."
"This is my 'care package…'"
"You are a protector. Please, allow me to show you the Guardian you can truly become."
"No. No way in hell. I'm fucking twelve!"
"You are not, appearances aside."
"I'm not going to stay a midget forever! Come back in ten years!"
"I can't do that, Morgan. You've been chosen."
"No. I refuse. Tell the First Star it can fight its own battles," I muttered as I stalked away, fuming. I felt betrayed. Where was my fluffy, funny isekai experience?
X
"God, I need a drink," I groaned as I stared up at the clouds. I was at a nearby park, sprawled out on the grass as though my will to live had been sucked away.
I was halfway through summer break. Typically, mini-Morgan spent his days playing soccer with his friends but I couldn't find it in me to act like a child again, not with this shit weighing over my head.
The Star Guardians… Just the name made me want to throw up. I'd gone to university after a gap year, not because I figured out what I wanted to do with my life, but because I hadn't. I was chronically allergic to responsibility.
I hated taking charge of anything. Group projects. League matches. Anything at all. If it involved someone else, they could be the shot-caller, not me. But here was this bunny, swearing up and down that I was destined to fight for the universe. Maybe someone else would be excited in my place, but not me.
That was altogether too much responsibility in my opinion. I was just some boozy gamer coasting through life on daddy's money, not exactly "save the world" material, never mind the entire fucking universe.
Besides, wasn't Lux supposed to be the first of the new guard?
I really wanted a drink. I'd binged a bottle or two of Crown Royal for a lot less than this. I was a stress-drinker. But so what? It kept me mellow, damnit.
Then I heard it, the sound of glass cracking. It was faint, as though distant. Or maybe muted, like if it happened underwater. I didn't know; it wasn't like I was a musician or whatever.
I groaned and picked myself up. I looked around to see if anyone needed help. The park I was in was fairly small, two basketball courts, a kiddy playground, and some grass. I didn't think I'd hear any glass nearby. Maybe someone dropped a thermos or something?
Out of the corner of my eye, I found what made the sound. There, above the playground swings, was a thin, hairline crack in the sky. It drew my eye as if it had a gravity all its own, as if I was meant to look for it.
Even as I watched, I heard another cracking noise. Violet light seeped into the world from the cracks. Others were starting to notice. A mother and her three kids looked up, momentarily distracted from their conversation. An older boy watching his little brother turned away, only to squint in confusion. Two more women, gossiping while their kids played in the sandbox, looked for the noise, only to gasp in surprise.
Something was happening, and I had a feeling I knew what. I bolted upright, screaming out before I knew what I was doing. "Get away! Away from the crack!"
That roused the adults. They began to herd the kids away from the strange phenomenon. If it was what I thought it was, I doubted they could move fast enough.
Then, as if to prove my point, an ear-splitting noise filled the air as the cracks widened and shattered. Strange, spider-like creatures scurried forth. They were quadrupedal but had insect-like, chitinous bodies. Sharp claws and scythe-like mandibles clacked menacingly.
Someone started screaming. I didn't know who. It made everything so much worse. People froze, but the voidlings, could be nothing else, had no such compunctions. They lunged and people died.
I ran. I'd warned them. This… This wasn't my fault. This wasn't my responsibility.
I bolted like a bat out of hell until I reached the basketball courts. There, behind the brickwork bathrooms, I allowed myself to pause and catch my breath.
My heart pounded in my ears. Each breath came raggedly and I could taste blood with each exhale. I'd never been more terrified.
People were dying out there, but this wouldn't last, I told myself. Valoran City had its protectors. Police with hextech guns. It even had a mage academy, even if mages were really rare. Mini-Morgan didn't know what-all mages could do, but they could handle a few voidlings, surely.
It didn't need to be me.
It shouldn't need to be me. I was a powerless twelve year old.
'Because you rejected that power,' a voice whispered accusingly in my ear.
I heard someone fall and shout. Trembling, I poked my head from behind the brick wall. My eyes found the older boy. He'd been leading his little brother away, pushing him ahead as he used his own body to shield his sibling, until a voidling had lunged and lashed at his leg.
Behind him, the voidling had sunk its teeth into his calf. In front was his little brother, probably eight or nine, paralyzed with fear.
They were going to die. Both of them. The voidling was going to eat the older brother and make the younger watch. If I moved, it would see me too.
Our eyes met. Pain and fear clouded his eyes, but he reached for his brother nonetheless. Behind him, I saw the voidling raise its claw in the air, a killing blow.
I didn't know what came over me. I'd think about what I'd done for years later, but I'd find no satisfactory answer.
I was no hero. I hated responsibility. I liked that about myself. I just… I just wanted to live my life, floating carefree and having a good time.
Yet, I found myself throwing myself at the voidling like a fucking idiot.
I let out a wordless roar that probably sounded more like a broken squeak. I wasn't even sure what I was looking at anymore. All I felt was the white-hot pain of its claws sinking into my arms.
Voidlings, as I'd found, were heavy, heavier than me. They were half my size but I could not push even one of them back. Even as I fought desperately, I knew that this would be the last thing I'd ever do.
I would die, right here, mere hours after my starting my "isekai experience." I would die an utterly meaningless death, just to buy some brat I didn't even know a few extra seconds.
'The light is in you, my Guardian,' I heard a faint voice call. It was probably the blood loss talking, but she sounded so melodic, tragic and sorrowful, but determined. 'Cry out! Resist! Do not give in! Please, just a little longer.'
I was tired. I was a powerless twelve year old brat who'd decided to wrestle a spider-shaped blender. I could feel its claws and mandibles taking chunks from me. It all bled together until my world became a single, unceasing river of agony.
Blood, my blood, splattered the ground. My arms felt weak even as my fingers closed around its two, front limbs. At this point, I wondered if there was more blood in me or out of me.
'Fight, Guardian! He is so close. Cling to life with all you are. There is still a chance.'
A flash of orange and white danced across my vision. The voidling's claws lashed my palms as it was torn from me. Then, the pain stopped. Through teary eyes, I saw the voidling that had been punted off of me. My vision swam. My eyes could barely focus on the bunny in front of me.
"Really, Morgan, if you were going to play hero anyway, you should have let me anoint you properly," he huffed. Calico Jack. It had to be. I… I hadn't imagined the voice. "Well, I guess you're not all bad, you wishy-washy fool."
He reached out his paw and placed it on my head.
I had no idea what exactly happened after that. There was a bright light, a burst of white and blue that filled the basketball court. Power and warmth flooded me as I touched something older than the universe itself. Time seemed to flow backwards as my lacerations healed, the very blood on the ground flowing back into my body.
The First Star had found her Star Guardian. It was a moment of cosmic significance, each such event immortalized in the history of the universe itself.
And yet, through it all, I could only wish I had a stiff drink.
Author's Note
Yes, a Star Guardian isekai experience. I have no idea what I'm doing, but it sounded like an interesting writing topic.
Calico Jack is the name of an English pirate captain. He sucked at his job.
He was given a pardon in 1719 and went legit for less than a year. During that time, he had an affair with a woman (Anne Bonny) and turned back to piracy. Bonny followed him and Mary Read pretended to be a man on his ship.
He was captured in October, 1720 and executed in November. That's his entire legacy. He's famous because he had two women on board.
Bonny and Read escaped hanging because they claimed they were pregnant. Read died in her cell the next year, likely from complications following pregnancy, but we don't know what happened to Bonny.
Thank you to all of my patrons. As many of you know, I update at least once a week. That said, I update much more frequently on Pat-re-on. If you would like to drop a tip, read my stories early, or vote in monthly polls, come and visit. As of now, this is how far along each story is:
- A Colorful Life: 32
- A Life Worth Living: 7
- Homeless Bunny: 27.5
- Legendary Tinker: 9.1
- Plan? What Plan?: 5.6
- Pokemon: Apocalypse: 1.18
- The Holy Grill: 3.3
- Troll in the Dungeon!: 27
- When is a Spoon a Sword?: 4.18
- Let There be War: 9 (Complete)
- Snippets & Omake Exclusives: 12
Total Chapter Difference (Pat-re-on - Public): 43
Snowman-Mancer 3
Fabled Webs
Lord Weaver, Glorious and Wise
- Location
- Arlington, VA
Legend of the Snowman-Mancer 3
Euri Lawrence
I sat alone atop the roof of the Dawn Winery, a bottle of their most recent vintage in hand. Dandelion wine was nominally no different than standard grape wine, but had no equivalent in the world I'd once known. It was light, mellow, and yet had a heady fragrance I could only describe as "windblown freedom." No, that wasn't a flavor, but that really was the only phrase I could think of.
It always left me in a contemplative mood, flavored with wanderlust and nostalgia in equal measure. Really, I could see why Venti loved it so much.
"You're up here again," I heard behind me. The soulless ginger who had a capitalist deathgrip on Mondstadt's economy joined me with a sigh. "Are you ever going to stop stealing from my stock, Snowman-Mancer?"
"Ah, Diluc Ragnvindr," I greeted, lifting my wine bottle in welcome. "Mondstadt's very own Musk of Moscato, the Bezos of Booze, Zuckerberg of Zinfandel. Greetings, oh exemplar of capitalists."
"I'm not sure how, but I feel that I am being insulted."
"You are, but it's funny, promise."
"I can take the wine away, Euri."
"Gasp! You wouldn't! How else am I to warm myself on those frigid nights? You wouldn't do that to your best buddy, right?"
"Don't say 'gasp,' you fool," Diluc said, shaking his head. For all that he complained about me stealing his vintages, he never truly seemed to mind. After all, Diluc and Diona shared a distaste for alcohol despite both being in the business. The man was something of a social drinker, though always in moderation. "How is it?"
"I like it. The vintage is especially fragrant this year," I said, pouring him a glass. "You should be proud, those otogi wood casks you imported from Inazuma add a little something-something."
"'Something-something?' You truly have a way with words."
"Hey, I'm no brewmaster. I just know it enhances the fragrance somehow."
"Fair enough. What brings you up here? You don't usually stick around to drink after pilfering my stash."
"I don't know to be honest. I recently made a small breakthrough in my magical studies."
"Oh? Celebration then?" He held out his glass for me to toast. "Cheers."
I clinked our glasses and took a sip. "Partially. I figured out how to anchor my snow constructs into the ley lines a while ago, but it wasn't until a few days ago that I learned how to incorporate scarlet quartz and starsilver directly into my constructs to reinforce them."
"Congratulations."
"Yeah, how goes business?"
"Our export market is growing. We almost doubled our exports to Fontaine from last year," Diluc said, a hint of satisfaction lacing his voice. He truly was a black-hearted capitalist.
"That's good. Soft power is itself a form of power," I hummed. "It might be intangible, but being well-liked is worth more than people might expect."
"And you say I'm a soulless money-grubber. What does that make you?"
"A lonely hermit whose heart is as frozen as his home, naturally."
We chuckled quietly. We caught up and swapped a few more stories before falling into a companionable silence. As much as I enjoyed putting on the bombastic, eccentric artist act, it was nice to interact with someone at a more sedate pace once in a while. Diluc was great for that.
He wanted someone who didn't give a damn about his wealth or knightly background and I wanted someone who wouldn't pry into my affairs or throw my family name in my face. Really, he was a bro.
It reminded me of another friend, one who'd moved away even before I'd exiled myself.
X
I was thirteen then, a mere year before Eula and I were inducted into the knights. I'd tried building inroads with every Vision-wielder and named character in Mondstadt, but he hadn't even crossed my mind. Not only did he not have his Vision yet, he was someone I associated with Inazuma, even to this day, not Mondstadt.
I was especially fortunate to have run into him, the future right hand of Ayaka Kamisato and the "fixer" of the Yashiro Commission. Thoma was a good man to know, not only for my future plans, but simply because he was such a good-natured soul.
Even back then, though he was sixteen and lacked the Pyro Vision he'd have later on, his sunny disposition was like a breath of fresh air to me. Where others scorned Eula and I, he was happy to be our friend, even when it earned him the judgment of his peers. Admittedly, his relationship with my sister soured because of her prickly personality, she thought he was a "no-good lazy layabout," but Thoma and I remained friendly acquaintances.
I first met Thoma when I began to dabble in tailoring. I'd had the first iteration of my trademark winter coat made for me a month ago, but the tailor cheated me. I'd asked for sturdy boar leather as the base layer; she'd replaced that with thin cloth, causing it to tear during training. Of course, I wasn't able to seek recompense.
Thoma, being the golden retriever in human form that he was, took one look at the torn cloak and took me to his mother, a tailor herself. They fixed it for me, charged me a fair price, and even agreed to teach me how to sew so that I could repair my own clothes in the future.
Since then, I taught Thoma how to whittle wood with a knife, shared a few campfire recipes Ambrose showed me, and most importantly, taught him how to swim. After all, how many other children around my age were named "Thoma?"
Well, two others as it turned out, but only one other was blonde and only my Thoma had an Inazuman father who'd had to return to his homeland. I was pretty sure his father was a member of the Shuumatsuban who'd been recalled with the impending enactment of the Sakoku Decree. It would certainly explain Ayato's willingness to take in a random, broke "outlander."
"So, you're leaving then?" I asked him. I'd followed him all the way out of the city, southeast and onto Falcon Coast.
The map in the game made it seem as though Cider Lake was entirely isolated from the sea, but that wasn't the case. Such a massive lake naturally had both tributaries and rivers that poured out to rejoin the ocean.
Several rivers fed into the massive lake, and fed out through a slow-moving river that passed through Windrise and ultimately into the Falcon Coast. There was even a town there that was never shown in the game, one that was mostly overtaken by a dock. Fishing was a popular industry in that area.
Merchant fleets from Liyue and Fontaine had to dock there because their deep-bottomed ships could not sail up into Cider Lake. They would unload their cargo there and either transport them via barge, caravan, or if they were lucky or wealthy enough, via dimension bags. I'd been taught that this was why Mondstadt never had a navy of our own. Assaulting our capital was already impossible from the sea.
Thoma looked up from his luggage with an uncharacteristically solemn smile. "Hey, Euri. I see you got your Vision. Congratulations."
"Thanks, but you're avoiding the question," I said, twirling my new necklace. "Why?"
"I don't know…"
"If it makes you feel better, I gave Eula a proper scolding. She shouldn't have called you a societal leach."
"Shouldn't she? I mean, she's not exactly wrong," he said with an explosive sigh. "I know I'm a bit too laid back. I don't like working and I guess I just… feel a lack of purpose. Does that make sense?"
"It does," I nodded. I took a seat on a nearby crate and motioned for him to join me. He was older than me by three years but it certainly didn't seem that way sometimes. "Mondstadt may be the City of Freedom, but what is freedom without direction? Is a leaf in the wind truly free? Or is it a slave to every current, every whimsy?"
"Don't get philosophical with me, Euri… But yeah, I guess you get it."
"So you're going to find your father."
"So I'm going to–How did you–!"
"Don't question it," I replied with a smug smirk. Then, when it looked like he'd start sulking, I opened my dimensional storage and offered him a sunsettia. "I know things. Just know that and be in awe of my wisdom."
He took it grumpily. Then, after a moment of thought, he took a big bite. "Fine, oh wise one, is my father okay?"
"Not a clue."
"Not a–Euri!"
"What? I don't know everything. Why do you want to go? What do you hope to find in Inazuma?"
"Don't you know that already?"
"I want to hear it from you."
"I just… I don't have any aspirations, you know? You and Eula, you want to be knights. And that's great! It's just… not for me…"
"Life isn't a competition or a race, Thoma."
"Maybe not, but like you said, I'm like a leaf. And if I don't shape up, I'll really be a societal leach. It's not just you twins either. I'm sixteen now. By the Winds! Some of my friends are already engaged! It feels like everyone's got their lives charted out. They'll inherit their parents' businesses, join the knights, the city guard, some merchant company, whatever."
"You could do that too. Your mother has a wonderful tailoring shop. You're strong too, you could easily join a caravan or the guards if you don't want to be a knight."
"None of them strike a chord with me. As for what I'll find in Inazuma… I don't know. I guess, I'm looking for something to give me that direction you were talking about." He put on a brave face. "Hey, I even packed a few bottles of dandelion wine, just for pops. It was his favorite, you know, before he got called back."
"I see. So you're set on this?"
"I am. A man's gotta do what a man's gotta do, Euri. Maybe this is rash, but… but I want to follow through with a decision I've made for once in my life."
I nodded. Then, I stuck my hand inside my dimensional pocket again. I'd only had my Vision for a few months now, and had only recently begun to learn other magics, but this single spell was easily the most convenient thing in the world.
There, I pulled out a big, fluffy tube. It was a goat-skin tube that had been rendered soft and pliable, then waxed to be watertight. The tube had been stuffed with a type of sponge from Fontaine, a material that was sold as a novelty by a trader.
"Here," I said, handing him the bright, red donut. "Consider it a farewell gift from a friend."
"What's this supposed to be?"
"It's a floatation device, what else? You wear it around your waist and it'll keep you afloat even in a storm."
"Huh… What am I supposed to do with this though?" Thoma asked. "Euri, are you saying I'll drown without this? Don't you have faith in your friend?"
I placed a hand on his shoulder. Considering the Sakoku Decree, this seemed like a fair investment. "Not at all, Thoma. Listen well: You are fortunate, for you will be reborn anew, not once, but twice. Both times, the waves will make you a new man."
"Really. Because it sure feels like you're telling me to drown."
"Of course not. I'm giving you a floatation ring, aren't I?"
"I really don't get you sometimes."
"Don't worry. No one gets me and that's okay." I leaned back on the crate and looked out into the sky. "I think you'll really like Inazuma. Sure, some of them will hate you just because you're an outsider, but stick with it, okay? This conviction you feel now? It'll definitely pay off."
Thoma shook his head in exasperation. "Are you ever going to explain how you know anything?"
"No, where would be the fun in that? Anyway, remain your sunny, kind self, no matter what others say. If you do, you'll find a deep, tranquil lake that hides dark depths and a gorgeous flower of ice, as delicate as the moonbeam yet sharper than any sword."
"Yup. I really don't get you. You're a weird man, Euri."
"You don't need to get me right now. Just follow your heart, Thoma. You'll find those who deserve your loyalty soon enough. And then, your fire will truly blaze. Just don't forget about your old buddy here, alright?"
"Heh, alright, you can visit me in Inazuma sometime, maybe then you'll tell me what all your riddles mean."
"Oh, I don't think you'll need any help by the time I arrive. I've been rather straightforward, after all."
"If you say so."
"I do say so. In fact, you'll be in a position to help me, I think."
"Alright, a little quid pro quo. Thanks for your… floaty thingie."
"Take care, Thoma."
X
I leaned back on the roof of the Dawn Winery, looking out towards the southeast. That was a whole five years ago. I wondered how he was doing.
At first, when I realized that the boy named Thoma I knew was that Thoma, I cultivated the relationship with thoughts of future profit. Or rather, I allowed him to cultivate our relationship. He was such a sociable person that there was little I needed to do save make myself available.
Then, as the years wore on, I came to truly enjoy his sunny disposition. He and Diluc reminded me of one another, though many would say they were polar opposites. Not only did they both have Pyro Visions, they had a way of creating a relaxing atmosphere around them. Diluc did it by lending an ear as a bartender, Thoma, by doing his golden retriever impression. Different, yet the same.
I wondered what he was doing. Had he met the Kamisato siblings already? Had Ayato ended his clan's succession crisis? Had Thoma take on the role of "fixer" and housekeeper for the Kamisato Clan? Or were they still fighting it out?
I had not lied; Thoma would be a wonderful contact when I inevitably headed out that way. Having someone to verify my trustworthiness, and the reliability of my information, would save me a great deal of time.
Yet, I found myself wishing him well, not for the connections he could provide, but simply because he deserved happiness.
"Hey, Diluc?"
"What is it, Euri?"
"What makes you happy?"
"Peace… Peace makes me happy."
"Really? How droll."
I heard him mutter something under his breath. "If you must know, I enjoy chess. Care for a round?"
"You know what? Sure," I said with a smile. I stood and got ready to hop off the roof. "For the record, I suck balls at it."
"Truly a way with words, Euri."
"Winner buys a bottle?"
"Shouldn't it be the loser who buys?"
"Nah, the victor should do something to soothe the bitterness of defeat."
He snorted, about as close to laughing as the soulless ginger got. "You just want more of my wine."
"Of course, as fellow worshipers of Bard-Batos, we ought to share in his sacred drink and–"
"No, not this garbage again. Get out."
"But what about chess?"
"Out!"
Author's Note
Double whammy. Diluc and Thoma. Euri is about eighteen here, maybe five years or so from canon.
I think I'm going to stop with Genshin and go play with some of my other plot bunnies. They're getting lonely.
Thank you to all of my patrons. As many of you know, I update at least once a week. That said, I update much more frequently on Pat-re-on. If you would like to drop a tip, read my stories early, or vote in monthly polls, come and visit.
As of now, this is how far along each story is:
- A Colorful Life: 33
- A Life Worth Living: 7
- Homeless Bunny: 28
- Legendary Tinker: 9.1
- Plan? What Plan?: 5.6
- Pokemon: Apocalypse: 1.18
- The Holy Grill: 3.3
- Troll in the Dungeon!: 27
- When is a Spoon a Sword?: 4.18
- Let There be War: 9 (Complete)
- Snippets & Omake Exclusives: 10
Total Chapter Difference (Pat-re-on - Public): 43
Euri Lawrence
I sat alone atop the roof of the Dawn Winery, a bottle of their most recent vintage in hand. Dandelion wine was nominally no different than standard grape wine, but had no equivalent in the world I'd once known. It was light, mellow, and yet had a heady fragrance I could only describe as "windblown freedom." No, that wasn't a flavor, but that really was the only phrase I could think of.
It always left me in a contemplative mood, flavored with wanderlust and nostalgia in equal measure. Really, I could see why Venti loved it so much.
"You're up here again," I heard behind me. The soulless ginger who had a capitalist deathgrip on Mondstadt's economy joined me with a sigh. "Are you ever going to stop stealing from my stock, Snowman-Mancer?"
"Ah, Diluc Ragnvindr," I greeted, lifting my wine bottle in welcome. "Mondstadt's very own Musk of Moscato, the Bezos of Booze, Zuckerberg of Zinfandel. Greetings, oh exemplar of capitalists."
"I'm not sure how, but I feel that I am being insulted."
"You are, but it's funny, promise."
"I can take the wine away, Euri."
"Gasp! You wouldn't! How else am I to warm myself on those frigid nights? You wouldn't do that to your best buddy, right?"
"Don't say 'gasp,' you fool," Diluc said, shaking his head. For all that he complained about me stealing his vintages, he never truly seemed to mind. After all, Diluc and Diona shared a distaste for alcohol despite both being in the business. The man was something of a social drinker, though always in moderation. "How is it?"
"I like it. The vintage is especially fragrant this year," I said, pouring him a glass. "You should be proud, those otogi wood casks you imported from Inazuma add a little something-something."
"'Something-something?' You truly have a way with words."
"Hey, I'm no brewmaster. I just know it enhances the fragrance somehow."
"Fair enough. What brings you up here? You don't usually stick around to drink after pilfering my stash."
"I don't know to be honest. I recently made a small breakthrough in my magical studies."
"Oh? Celebration then?" He held out his glass for me to toast. "Cheers."
I clinked our glasses and took a sip. "Partially. I figured out how to anchor my snow constructs into the ley lines a while ago, but it wasn't until a few days ago that I learned how to incorporate scarlet quartz and starsilver directly into my constructs to reinforce them."
"Congratulations."
"Yeah, how goes business?"
"Our export market is growing. We almost doubled our exports to Fontaine from last year," Diluc said, a hint of satisfaction lacing his voice. He truly was a black-hearted capitalist.
"That's good. Soft power is itself a form of power," I hummed. "It might be intangible, but being well-liked is worth more than people might expect."
"And you say I'm a soulless money-grubber. What does that make you?"
"A lonely hermit whose heart is as frozen as his home, naturally."
We chuckled quietly. We caught up and swapped a few more stories before falling into a companionable silence. As much as I enjoyed putting on the bombastic, eccentric artist act, it was nice to interact with someone at a more sedate pace once in a while. Diluc was great for that.
He wanted someone who didn't give a damn about his wealth or knightly background and I wanted someone who wouldn't pry into my affairs or throw my family name in my face. Really, he was a bro.
It reminded me of another friend, one who'd moved away even before I'd exiled myself.
X
I was thirteen then, a mere year before Eula and I were inducted into the knights. I'd tried building inroads with every Vision-wielder and named character in Mondstadt, but he hadn't even crossed my mind. Not only did he not have his Vision yet, he was someone I associated with Inazuma, even to this day, not Mondstadt.
I was especially fortunate to have run into him, the future right hand of Ayaka Kamisato and the "fixer" of the Yashiro Commission. Thoma was a good man to know, not only for my future plans, but simply because he was such a good-natured soul.
Even back then, though he was sixteen and lacked the Pyro Vision he'd have later on, his sunny disposition was like a breath of fresh air to me. Where others scorned Eula and I, he was happy to be our friend, even when it earned him the judgment of his peers. Admittedly, his relationship with my sister soured because of her prickly personality, she thought he was a "no-good lazy layabout," but Thoma and I remained friendly acquaintances.
I first met Thoma when I began to dabble in tailoring. I'd had the first iteration of my trademark winter coat made for me a month ago, but the tailor cheated me. I'd asked for sturdy boar leather as the base layer; she'd replaced that with thin cloth, causing it to tear during training. Of course, I wasn't able to seek recompense.
Thoma, being the golden retriever in human form that he was, took one look at the torn cloak and took me to his mother, a tailor herself. They fixed it for me, charged me a fair price, and even agreed to teach me how to sew so that I could repair my own clothes in the future.
Since then, I taught Thoma how to whittle wood with a knife, shared a few campfire recipes Ambrose showed me, and most importantly, taught him how to swim. After all, how many other children around my age were named "Thoma?"
Well, two others as it turned out, but only one other was blonde and only my Thoma had an Inazuman father who'd had to return to his homeland. I was pretty sure his father was a member of the Shuumatsuban who'd been recalled with the impending enactment of the Sakoku Decree. It would certainly explain Ayato's willingness to take in a random, broke "outlander."
"So, you're leaving then?" I asked him. I'd followed him all the way out of the city, southeast and onto Falcon Coast.
The map in the game made it seem as though Cider Lake was entirely isolated from the sea, but that wasn't the case. Such a massive lake naturally had both tributaries and rivers that poured out to rejoin the ocean.
Several rivers fed into the massive lake, and fed out through a slow-moving river that passed through Windrise and ultimately into the Falcon Coast. There was even a town there that was never shown in the game, one that was mostly overtaken by a dock. Fishing was a popular industry in that area.
Merchant fleets from Liyue and Fontaine had to dock there because their deep-bottomed ships could not sail up into Cider Lake. They would unload their cargo there and either transport them via barge, caravan, or if they were lucky or wealthy enough, via dimension bags. I'd been taught that this was why Mondstadt never had a navy of our own. Assaulting our capital was already impossible from the sea.
Thoma looked up from his luggage with an uncharacteristically solemn smile. "Hey, Euri. I see you got your Vision. Congratulations."
"Thanks, but you're avoiding the question," I said, twirling my new necklace. "Why?"
"I don't know…"
"If it makes you feel better, I gave Eula a proper scolding. She shouldn't have called you a societal leach."
"Shouldn't she? I mean, she's not exactly wrong," he said with an explosive sigh. "I know I'm a bit too laid back. I don't like working and I guess I just… feel a lack of purpose. Does that make sense?"
"It does," I nodded. I took a seat on a nearby crate and motioned for him to join me. He was older than me by three years but it certainly didn't seem that way sometimes. "Mondstadt may be the City of Freedom, but what is freedom without direction? Is a leaf in the wind truly free? Or is it a slave to every current, every whimsy?"
"Don't get philosophical with me, Euri… But yeah, I guess you get it."
"So you're going to find your father."
"So I'm going to–How did you–!"
"Don't question it," I replied with a smug smirk. Then, when it looked like he'd start sulking, I opened my dimensional storage and offered him a sunsettia. "I know things. Just know that and be in awe of my wisdom."
He took it grumpily. Then, after a moment of thought, he took a big bite. "Fine, oh wise one, is my father okay?"
"Not a clue."
"Not a–Euri!"
"What? I don't know everything. Why do you want to go? What do you hope to find in Inazuma?"
"Don't you know that already?"
"I want to hear it from you."
"I just… I don't have any aspirations, you know? You and Eula, you want to be knights. And that's great! It's just… not for me…"
"Life isn't a competition or a race, Thoma."
"Maybe not, but like you said, I'm like a leaf. And if I don't shape up, I'll really be a societal leach. It's not just you twins either. I'm sixteen now. By the Winds! Some of my friends are already engaged! It feels like everyone's got their lives charted out. They'll inherit their parents' businesses, join the knights, the city guard, some merchant company, whatever."
"You could do that too. Your mother has a wonderful tailoring shop. You're strong too, you could easily join a caravan or the guards if you don't want to be a knight."
"None of them strike a chord with me. As for what I'll find in Inazuma… I don't know. I guess, I'm looking for something to give me that direction you were talking about." He put on a brave face. "Hey, I even packed a few bottles of dandelion wine, just for pops. It was his favorite, you know, before he got called back."
"I see. So you're set on this?"
"I am. A man's gotta do what a man's gotta do, Euri. Maybe this is rash, but… but I want to follow through with a decision I've made for once in my life."
I nodded. Then, I stuck my hand inside my dimensional pocket again. I'd only had my Vision for a few months now, and had only recently begun to learn other magics, but this single spell was easily the most convenient thing in the world.
There, I pulled out a big, fluffy tube. It was a goat-skin tube that had been rendered soft and pliable, then waxed to be watertight. The tube had been stuffed with a type of sponge from Fontaine, a material that was sold as a novelty by a trader.
"Here," I said, handing him the bright, red donut. "Consider it a farewell gift from a friend."
"What's this supposed to be?"
"It's a floatation device, what else? You wear it around your waist and it'll keep you afloat even in a storm."
"Huh… What am I supposed to do with this though?" Thoma asked. "Euri, are you saying I'll drown without this? Don't you have faith in your friend?"
I placed a hand on his shoulder. Considering the Sakoku Decree, this seemed like a fair investment. "Not at all, Thoma. Listen well: You are fortunate, for you will be reborn anew, not once, but twice. Both times, the waves will make you a new man."
"Really. Because it sure feels like you're telling me to drown."
"Of course not. I'm giving you a floatation ring, aren't I?"
"I really don't get you sometimes."
"Don't worry. No one gets me and that's okay." I leaned back on the crate and looked out into the sky. "I think you'll really like Inazuma. Sure, some of them will hate you just because you're an outsider, but stick with it, okay? This conviction you feel now? It'll definitely pay off."
Thoma shook his head in exasperation. "Are you ever going to explain how you know anything?"
"No, where would be the fun in that? Anyway, remain your sunny, kind self, no matter what others say. If you do, you'll find a deep, tranquil lake that hides dark depths and a gorgeous flower of ice, as delicate as the moonbeam yet sharper than any sword."
"Yup. I really don't get you. You're a weird man, Euri."
"You don't need to get me right now. Just follow your heart, Thoma. You'll find those who deserve your loyalty soon enough. And then, your fire will truly blaze. Just don't forget about your old buddy here, alright?"
"Heh, alright, you can visit me in Inazuma sometime, maybe then you'll tell me what all your riddles mean."
"Oh, I don't think you'll need any help by the time I arrive. I've been rather straightforward, after all."
"If you say so."
"I do say so. In fact, you'll be in a position to help me, I think."
"Alright, a little quid pro quo. Thanks for your… floaty thingie."
"Take care, Thoma."
X
I leaned back on the roof of the Dawn Winery, looking out towards the southeast. That was a whole five years ago. I wondered how he was doing.
At first, when I realized that the boy named Thoma I knew was that Thoma, I cultivated the relationship with thoughts of future profit. Or rather, I allowed him to cultivate our relationship. He was such a sociable person that there was little I needed to do save make myself available.
Then, as the years wore on, I came to truly enjoy his sunny disposition. He and Diluc reminded me of one another, though many would say they were polar opposites. Not only did they both have Pyro Visions, they had a way of creating a relaxing atmosphere around them. Diluc did it by lending an ear as a bartender, Thoma, by doing his golden retriever impression. Different, yet the same.
I wondered what he was doing. Had he met the Kamisato siblings already? Had Ayato ended his clan's succession crisis? Had Thoma take on the role of "fixer" and housekeeper for the Kamisato Clan? Or were they still fighting it out?
I had not lied; Thoma would be a wonderful contact when I inevitably headed out that way. Having someone to verify my trustworthiness, and the reliability of my information, would save me a great deal of time.
Yet, I found myself wishing him well, not for the connections he could provide, but simply because he deserved happiness.
"Hey, Diluc?"
"What is it, Euri?"
"What makes you happy?"
"Peace… Peace makes me happy."
"Really? How droll."
I heard him mutter something under his breath. "If you must know, I enjoy chess. Care for a round?"
"You know what? Sure," I said with a smile. I stood and got ready to hop off the roof. "For the record, I suck balls at it."
"Truly a way with words, Euri."
"Winner buys a bottle?"
"Shouldn't it be the loser who buys?"
"Nah, the victor should do something to soothe the bitterness of defeat."
He snorted, about as close to laughing as the soulless ginger got. "You just want more of my wine."
"Of course, as fellow worshipers of Bard-Batos, we ought to share in his sacred drink and–"
"No, not this garbage again. Get out."
"But what about chess?"
"Out!"
Author's Note
Double whammy. Diluc and Thoma. Euri is about eighteen here, maybe five years or so from canon.
I think I'm going to stop with Genshin and go play with some of my other plot bunnies. They're getting lonely.
Thank you to all of my patrons. As many of you know, I update at least once a week. That said, I update much more frequently on Pat-re-on. If you would like to drop a tip, read my stories early, or vote in monthly polls, come and visit.
As of now, this is how far along each story is:
- A Colorful Life: 33
- A Life Worth Living: 7
- Homeless Bunny: 28
- Legendary Tinker: 9.1
- Plan? What Plan?: 5.6
- Pokemon: Apocalypse: 1.18
- The Holy Grill: 3.3
- Troll in the Dungeon!: 27
- When is a Spoon a Sword?: 4.18
- Let There be War: 9 (Complete)
- Snippets & Omake Exclusives: 10
Total Chapter Difference (Pat-re-on - Public): 43
Captain Morgan 2
Fabled Webs
Lord Weaver, Glorious and Wise
- Location
- Arlington, VA
The Adventures of Captain Morgan 2
Morgan Olsen
The light faded and I was able to take stock again. The voidling was… still here, actually. My "anointing" didn't change that. It had simply been blown away a few feet. It looked dazed, as much as a weird, spider-monster could look anything, but was otherwise fine.
What changed was me. I felt like a new man, perhaps because I was. The wounds I'd sustained trying to wrestle a voidling as a child were gone and I knew that my skin would be blemish free if I bothered to check.
My tattered basketball shorts and t-shirt were gone, replaced by an elaborate, white outfit with blue and gold accents.
In a word, I looked like a pirate. I looked like Jack Sparrow, if his outfit had been bleached white. I wore a long waistcoat with wide cuffs reaching halfway up my forearms and gold clasps. It was a pristine white that faded into blue towards the bottom.
Beneath that, I found myself wearing a similarly white, tight-fitting shirt. Though it clung to my body, it felt sturdy, comfortable yet thick enough to support a crystalline center in the shape of a skull and crossbones.
I also had on a thick, navy sash in lieu of a belt and wide, airy trousers that faded into a blue gradient, much like my coat. From it hung three weights. Two were obvious, a pair of white hand-axes with wicked-sharp edges made of the same, navy, gem-like material I saw on my clothes. The other was a gourd that hung from my left hip.
The ridiculous outfit was literally capped off with a blue cavalier hat, the wide brim just slightly cast a shadow over my eyes.
"I look like detergent-Sparrow," I groaned, "like Dread Pirate Roberts fucked a blow-up doll made of powdered sugar."
"Move, you idiot!" Jack shouted.
I was too caught up staring at my stupid outfit to notice that the voidling had recovered. It let out a wailing, rasping shriek before lunging for my face.
I couldn't dodge. To dodge was to let the two boys behind me take the hit. I did the only thing I could think of. I punched the voidling as hard as I could.
To my surprise, I felt its carapace shatter against my newly enhanced strength. I sent it skipping like a stone on a calm lake. It might well have been the single most satisfying thing I'd ever done in either lives. Losing my virginity wasn't as good as breaking that fucker.
"Don't celebrate yet, that shriek was a call for reinforcements," Jack warned as he hopped onto my shoulder.
"What do I do?" I asked, slightly panicked. I wasn't sure if I could handle getting zerg-rushed by what amounted to dimension-crabs.
"You have axes! Use them!"
So I did.
I drew my weapons and fought like a man possessed. Which is to say, like a complete idiot. I immediately ran into a rather important problem, namely that I'd never fought anyone in my life.
Never mind how to dual-wield a pair of clearly enchanted axes, I didn't even know how to brace my footing, keep up a guard, or any of the other things people probably learned from even the most pathetic McDojos. Violence definitely wasn't something I grew up with.
Thankfully, axes were idiot-proof. All I had to do was keep my feet firmly planted on the ground and swing. The glowing, blue gems shone brilliantly as I allowed myself to fall into an uneasy rhythm. They parted voidling bodies like they didn't exist. I felt like I was ripping through tofu.
I didn't know how many I killed, but when I next came to, I was positively caked in their blood. More of my outfit was purple than white at this point. I stood there, panting in exhaustion, terrified for my future. Voidlings were… They were the goombas of the Void, the disposable minions that spawned in countless numbers. That I felt so tired after killing a handful of them did not bode well for my life expectancy.
"Not bad, a little sloppy, but I guess this wasn't a bad showing for your first time," my minder said. He looked smug, and why wouldn't he be? He had his Star Guardian.
I flipped him off. "The kids. What happened to them?"
"I hypnotized them and sent them packing. I've also altered memories and local video cameras so no one will remember your transformation. You're welcome by the way."
"You can do that? No, of course you can. That's practically magical mascot 101."
"Who's a mascot, huh? I'm your Star Conduit, dingus!"
"Yeah? Because I'd trade you in for a half-off coupon at Noodle BIll's ramen stall."
"You're such a pain. Why can't you admit you're meant for greater things? You're a Star Guardian now, whether you like it or not."
I looked down at myself, at the tacky, white pirate outfit. "What if I don't want to be a Star Guardian? That sounds like too much responsibility to be dumping on a twelve year old."
"You have to, Morgan. I'm not the only one who can feel the Light inside of you. Every Star Guardian is exactly that, a star. You shine like a beacon to those who are sensitive to it. The Void will seek you out, whether you want it or not."
"I… Look at me, Jack. I'm exhausted after fighting a few voidlings. I can't fight anything stronger."
"You can. I believe in you. I wouldn't have been called to you otherwise," he said. "Come on, Morgan. Let's go home, before the cops get here."
X
The next day, Calico Jack and I stood on the roof of Valoran Middle School. I couldn't think of anywhere else to go to practice my definitely-not-magical-girl powers. With a few weeks til the fall semester, the school was abandoned anyway.
"Okay, we're here," I told my new bunny. "Now what?"
"Now, we learn more about your powers."
"What's there to learn? I have axes. You want me to sign up for martial arts classes or something?"
"It's not that simple. The First Star's blessings are never that one-dimensional. You can buy a pair of axes from a novelty shop. There's no way that's all."
"Well, I might have to sign up for those lessons anyway because I don't know how to use axes, or fight at all for that matter."
"No need. An intuitive mastery of your weapons is part of the package. What? Did you think you survived yesterday by flailing around hopelessly?"
"I mean… kinda?"
"You know how to fight. That mastery will grow with time, but a general familiarity with your weapons is part of the starter pack."
I nodded. He wasn't wrong. Give a kid, or an adult for that matter, two hatchets and set them against monsters from the void; of course they'd get eaten alive. Maybe my berserk flailing wasn't quite so directionless after all.
There was a problem though. I looked at the bunny, then back down at myself. I was in streetwear, jeans with a faded Pentakill t-shirt, a band Uncle Brolaf was a part of. There wasn't a streak of white or puff of glitter in sight.
"That sounds great and all, Jack, but I have no idea how to use my powers. How do I, you know, transform? This job doesn't come with a transformation sequence, does it?"
"Lean into your wish."
"My wish? What wish? I get wishes for this?"
"You do. When I anointed you, what was the thought that ran through your mind? For many it's the desire to protect. For others, it's the desire to destroy the void creatures in front of them. A desire to survive, to heal, there are as many wishes as there are stars."
"So I just… think of that wish?"
"Yes. Look inside yourself and you will find the Light of the First Star. Reach for it. Grasp it and remember your reason to fight."
"Ah… About that…" I trailed off sheepishly. When he put it that way, he made this all sound so noble. Maybe this was why the First Star tended to pick kids? "My wish wasn't… any of those…"
"What was it?"
"You want me to be honest?"
"Yes, every wish is special. So long as you hold it dear to you, you'll find the strength to carry on."
"Booze…"
"What?" he asked, voice flat like a robot.
"Booze. I wished I had a stiff drink, alright?" I said, face flushing.
"You… You were dying and you wanted… alcohol?"
"I didn't expect to survive! I'm a stress-drinker! I drink when I'm stressed! And I was pretty fucking stressed!"
"I don't believe this."
"Hey, it's your fault for not explaining any of this shit to me."
"Oh, it's my fault?"
"Yes! If I'd known, I would have wished for something good! Like a recipe book full of bunnies!"
"You are insufferable!" Calico Jack cried. "Gah! I can't believe my first Guardian is a Star-damned alcoholic!"
I groaned and leaned against the wall. Slowly, I slid down until I was seated next to the rooftop access. "Ugh, now what? Do I get… booze powers…? What does that even mean?"
"How should I know? This has never happened before! Just… Just grasp your wish again or something. How are you an alcoholic? You aren't even old enough to drink!"
"Past life, remember? Okay, let's see… I wish I had a bottle of rum…"
It was nonsensical. It shouldn't have worked. The First Star was supposed to be all that was good and pure in the universe. It was the Light of Creation, the reason this universe existed at all.
Well, the First Star had a very different definition of "good and pure" from humans because the legal drinking age clearly didn't factor into its consideration. It worked. My wish created a white and blue gourd that popped into my hand.
I uncorked it and brought it to my nose. After giving it a good sniff, I brought it to my lips and sighed with contentment. "Yup, that's rum alright."
Calico Jack buried his head in his paws. "This has got to be the dumbest wish anyone's ever made on the First Star."
"Hey, I have the wishing do-dad now, right? What do I do with it?" I took another sip. God, this was the best rum I'd ever had, past life included. "I mean, besides the obvious."
"You transform. Take it. Think of your wish. Then recite the words that come to mind."
"Umm… Shit… There's a transformation sequence, isn't there?"
"No, of course not," Jack said, back leg thumping merrily.
"You're lying."
"I'm a Star Conduit. I don't lie."
"Your foot's making thumping noises."
He glanced at his hind leg, pointedly stilled it, then looked up at me with a flat expression. "No it's not."
"Nope. Not doing this."
"You're going to be targeted by the Void."
"I don't care. I'll just go out plastered."
"Morgan!"
"I don't wanna be a magical girl!"
"You're still a boy!"
"This is humiliating."
"Star Guardians don't age. You'll be short and cute forever. You may as well get used to it."
"Shut up."
"You have powers. It's time you learn to use them."
"Ugh, fine." I resigned myself to further humiliation. The gourd responded to my intent, glowing with a soft, blue light. I raised it to my lips once more and drank. Unbidden, spellwords danced on my tongue. "Starlight, shine bright!"
I felt myself get lifted into the air via star magic. My clothes evaporated off me like glitter, hopefully providing some token nod to modesty. I wasn't even done and I wanted to kill myself in shame.
Over my shoulders, I felt my shirt and cloak settle in place, gradually taking form with a shower of azure sparks. The trail of sparks followed my limbs until they coalesced around my feet to form a pair of sturdy boots. My cavalier hat was the last thing to form. It started with a tingling on top of my head that felt a little like holding a staticky balloon to raise my hair.
The light soon faded and I landed back on the roof again, but my body still wasn't my own. I twirled, dipped my hat with my left hand, and pointed at Calico Jack with my right. I even clicked my tongue and gave him what probably passed for a roguish smirk.
"Star Guardian Morgan is here to–" I caught myself before I could finish. "NO! Fuck no! What the hell?"
"Ahahaha! You're the kind of guy who goes with the flow, huh?"
"No! What the hell was that? Why did I say that?"
"That was you getting in touch with your inner-magical girl."
"It's so cringey I could die. I'll seriously die of cringe."
"You won't."
"The First Star is fucking with me. It has to be."
"You know, you might be right. I've always thought the First Star had a sense of humor."
"Fuck no. I refuse. I need a shred of my dignity, damnit. If that's how it wants to play things, I refuse to be called a Star Guardian. I'm a Star Pirate, bitch. See the crossbones on my chest?"
"Because 'professional thief and murderer' is so much more dignified than 'celestial protector?'" he asked dryly. "Yes, you'll be Captain Morgan, the tween pirate with no ship or crew. May the universe tremble in terror."
"Shut up," I shot back. I wasn't losing an argument against a bunny. I wasn't!
I brought my gourd to my lips and began to drink. At least I couldn't get written up for drinking on the job anymore.
Author's Note
This whole idea started because "What if Captain Morgan was a magical girl(boy)?" The outfit has to match.
I've decided to lean into the magical girl trope. This means all Star Guardians have a transformation callout. In this case, "Starlight, shine bright." Each Star Guardian feels compelled to introduce themselves in some way, though that part is more flexible.
Thank you to all of my patrons. As many of you know, I update at least once a week. That said, I update much more frequently on Pat-re-on. If you would like to drop a tip, read my stories early, or vote in monthly polls, come and visit.
As of now, this is how far along each story is:
- A Colorful Life: 33
- A Life Worth Living: 7
- Homeless Bunny: 28
- Legendary Tinker: 9.2
- Plan? What Plan?: 5.6
- Pokemon: Apocalypse: 2.1
- The Holy Grill: 3.3
- Troll in the Dungeon!: 27
- When is a Spoon a Sword?: 5.1
- Let There be War: 9 (Complete)
- Snippets & Omake Exclusives: 11
Total Chapter Difference (Pat-re-on - Public): 40
Morgan Olsen
The light faded and I was able to take stock again. The voidling was… still here, actually. My "anointing" didn't change that. It had simply been blown away a few feet. It looked dazed, as much as a weird, spider-monster could look anything, but was otherwise fine.
What changed was me. I felt like a new man, perhaps because I was. The wounds I'd sustained trying to wrestle a voidling as a child were gone and I knew that my skin would be blemish free if I bothered to check.
My tattered basketball shorts and t-shirt were gone, replaced by an elaborate, white outfit with blue and gold accents.
In a word, I looked like a pirate. I looked like Jack Sparrow, if his outfit had been bleached white. I wore a long waistcoat with wide cuffs reaching halfway up my forearms and gold clasps. It was a pristine white that faded into blue towards the bottom.
Beneath that, I found myself wearing a similarly white, tight-fitting shirt. Though it clung to my body, it felt sturdy, comfortable yet thick enough to support a crystalline center in the shape of a skull and crossbones.
I also had on a thick, navy sash in lieu of a belt and wide, airy trousers that faded into a blue gradient, much like my coat. From it hung three weights. Two were obvious, a pair of white hand-axes with wicked-sharp edges made of the same, navy, gem-like material I saw on my clothes. The other was a gourd that hung from my left hip.
The ridiculous outfit was literally capped off with a blue cavalier hat, the wide brim just slightly cast a shadow over my eyes.
"I look like detergent-Sparrow," I groaned, "like Dread Pirate Roberts fucked a blow-up doll made of powdered sugar."
"Move, you idiot!" Jack shouted.
I was too caught up staring at my stupid outfit to notice that the voidling had recovered. It let out a wailing, rasping shriek before lunging for my face.
I couldn't dodge. To dodge was to let the two boys behind me take the hit. I did the only thing I could think of. I punched the voidling as hard as I could.
To my surprise, I felt its carapace shatter against my newly enhanced strength. I sent it skipping like a stone on a calm lake. It might well have been the single most satisfying thing I'd ever done in either lives. Losing my virginity wasn't as good as breaking that fucker.
"Don't celebrate yet, that shriek was a call for reinforcements," Jack warned as he hopped onto my shoulder.
"What do I do?" I asked, slightly panicked. I wasn't sure if I could handle getting zerg-rushed by what amounted to dimension-crabs.
"You have axes! Use them!"
So I did.
I drew my weapons and fought like a man possessed. Which is to say, like a complete idiot. I immediately ran into a rather important problem, namely that I'd never fought anyone in my life.
Never mind how to dual-wield a pair of clearly enchanted axes, I didn't even know how to brace my footing, keep up a guard, or any of the other things people probably learned from even the most pathetic McDojos. Violence definitely wasn't something I grew up with.
Thankfully, axes were idiot-proof. All I had to do was keep my feet firmly planted on the ground and swing. The glowing, blue gems shone brilliantly as I allowed myself to fall into an uneasy rhythm. They parted voidling bodies like they didn't exist. I felt like I was ripping through tofu.
I didn't know how many I killed, but when I next came to, I was positively caked in their blood. More of my outfit was purple than white at this point. I stood there, panting in exhaustion, terrified for my future. Voidlings were… They were the goombas of the Void, the disposable minions that spawned in countless numbers. That I felt so tired after killing a handful of them did not bode well for my life expectancy.
"Not bad, a little sloppy, but I guess this wasn't a bad showing for your first time," my minder said. He looked smug, and why wouldn't he be? He had his Star Guardian.
I flipped him off. "The kids. What happened to them?"
"I hypnotized them and sent them packing. I've also altered memories and local video cameras so no one will remember your transformation. You're welcome by the way."
"You can do that? No, of course you can. That's practically magical mascot 101."
"Who's a mascot, huh? I'm your Star Conduit, dingus!"
"Yeah? Because I'd trade you in for a half-off coupon at Noodle BIll's ramen stall."
"You're such a pain. Why can't you admit you're meant for greater things? You're a Star Guardian now, whether you like it or not."
I looked down at myself, at the tacky, white pirate outfit. "What if I don't want to be a Star Guardian? That sounds like too much responsibility to be dumping on a twelve year old."
"You have to, Morgan. I'm not the only one who can feel the Light inside of you. Every Star Guardian is exactly that, a star. You shine like a beacon to those who are sensitive to it. The Void will seek you out, whether you want it or not."
"I… Look at me, Jack. I'm exhausted after fighting a few voidlings. I can't fight anything stronger."
"You can. I believe in you. I wouldn't have been called to you otherwise," he said. "Come on, Morgan. Let's go home, before the cops get here."
X
The next day, Calico Jack and I stood on the roof of Valoran Middle School. I couldn't think of anywhere else to go to practice my definitely-not-magical-girl powers. With a few weeks til the fall semester, the school was abandoned anyway.
"Okay, we're here," I told my new bunny. "Now what?"
"Now, we learn more about your powers."
"What's there to learn? I have axes. You want me to sign up for martial arts classes or something?"
"It's not that simple. The First Star's blessings are never that one-dimensional. You can buy a pair of axes from a novelty shop. There's no way that's all."
"Well, I might have to sign up for those lessons anyway because I don't know how to use axes, or fight at all for that matter."
"No need. An intuitive mastery of your weapons is part of the package. What? Did you think you survived yesterday by flailing around hopelessly?"
"I mean… kinda?"
"You know how to fight. That mastery will grow with time, but a general familiarity with your weapons is part of the starter pack."
I nodded. He wasn't wrong. Give a kid, or an adult for that matter, two hatchets and set them against monsters from the void; of course they'd get eaten alive. Maybe my berserk flailing wasn't quite so directionless after all.
There was a problem though. I looked at the bunny, then back down at myself. I was in streetwear, jeans with a faded Pentakill t-shirt, a band Uncle Brolaf was a part of. There wasn't a streak of white or puff of glitter in sight.
"That sounds great and all, Jack, but I have no idea how to use my powers. How do I, you know, transform? This job doesn't come with a transformation sequence, does it?"
"Lean into your wish."
"My wish? What wish? I get wishes for this?"
"You do. When I anointed you, what was the thought that ran through your mind? For many it's the desire to protect. For others, it's the desire to destroy the void creatures in front of them. A desire to survive, to heal, there are as many wishes as there are stars."
"So I just… think of that wish?"
"Yes. Look inside yourself and you will find the Light of the First Star. Reach for it. Grasp it and remember your reason to fight."
"Ah… About that…" I trailed off sheepishly. When he put it that way, he made this all sound so noble. Maybe this was why the First Star tended to pick kids? "My wish wasn't… any of those…"
"What was it?"
"You want me to be honest?"
"Yes, every wish is special. So long as you hold it dear to you, you'll find the strength to carry on."
"Booze…"
"What?" he asked, voice flat like a robot.
"Booze. I wished I had a stiff drink, alright?" I said, face flushing.
"You… You were dying and you wanted… alcohol?"
"I didn't expect to survive! I'm a stress-drinker! I drink when I'm stressed! And I was pretty fucking stressed!"
"I don't believe this."
"Hey, it's your fault for not explaining any of this shit to me."
"Oh, it's my fault?"
"Yes! If I'd known, I would have wished for something good! Like a recipe book full of bunnies!"
"You are insufferable!" Calico Jack cried. "Gah! I can't believe my first Guardian is a Star-damned alcoholic!"
I groaned and leaned against the wall. Slowly, I slid down until I was seated next to the rooftop access. "Ugh, now what? Do I get… booze powers…? What does that even mean?"
"How should I know? This has never happened before! Just… Just grasp your wish again or something. How are you an alcoholic? You aren't even old enough to drink!"
"Past life, remember? Okay, let's see… I wish I had a bottle of rum…"
It was nonsensical. It shouldn't have worked. The First Star was supposed to be all that was good and pure in the universe. It was the Light of Creation, the reason this universe existed at all.
Well, the First Star had a very different definition of "good and pure" from humans because the legal drinking age clearly didn't factor into its consideration. It worked. My wish created a white and blue gourd that popped into my hand.
I uncorked it and brought it to my nose. After giving it a good sniff, I brought it to my lips and sighed with contentment. "Yup, that's rum alright."
Calico Jack buried his head in his paws. "This has got to be the dumbest wish anyone's ever made on the First Star."
"Hey, I have the wishing do-dad now, right? What do I do with it?" I took another sip. God, this was the best rum I'd ever had, past life included. "I mean, besides the obvious."
"You transform. Take it. Think of your wish. Then recite the words that come to mind."
"Umm… Shit… There's a transformation sequence, isn't there?"
"No, of course not," Jack said, back leg thumping merrily.
"You're lying."
"I'm a Star Conduit. I don't lie."
"Your foot's making thumping noises."
He glanced at his hind leg, pointedly stilled it, then looked up at me with a flat expression. "No it's not."
"Nope. Not doing this."
"You're going to be targeted by the Void."
"I don't care. I'll just go out plastered."
"Morgan!"
"I don't wanna be a magical girl!"
"You're still a boy!"
"This is humiliating."
"Star Guardians don't age. You'll be short and cute forever. You may as well get used to it."
"Shut up."
"You have powers. It's time you learn to use them."
"Ugh, fine." I resigned myself to further humiliation. The gourd responded to my intent, glowing with a soft, blue light. I raised it to my lips once more and drank. Unbidden, spellwords danced on my tongue. "Starlight, shine bright!"
I felt myself get lifted into the air via star magic. My clothes evaporated off me like glitter, hopefully providing some token nod to modesty. I wasn't even done and I wanted to kill myself in shame.
Over my shoulders, I felt my shirt and cloak settle in place, gradually taking form with a shower of azure sparks. The trail of sparks followed my limbs until they coalesced around my feet to form a pair of sturdy boots. My cavalier hat was the last thing to form. It started with a tingling on top of my head that felt a little like holding a staticky balloon to raise my hair.
The light soon faded and I landed back on the roof again, but my body still wasn't my own. I twirled, dipped my hat with my left hand, and pointed at Calico Jack with my right. I even clicked my tongue and gave him what probably passed for a roguish smirk.
"Star Guardian Morgan is here to–" I caught myself before I could finish. "NO! Fuck no! What the hell?"
"Ahahaha! You're the kind of guy who goes with the flow, huh?"
"No! What the hell was that? Why did I say that?"
"That was you getting in touch with your inner-magical girl."
"It's so cringey I could die. I'll seriously die of cringe."
"You won't."
"The First Star is fucking with me. It has to be."
"You know, you might be right. I've always thought the First Star had a sense of humor."
"Fuck no. I refuse. I need a shred of my dignity, damnit. If that's how it wants to play things, I refuse to be called a Star Guardian. I'm a Star Pirate, bitch. See the crossbones on my chest?"
"Because 'professional thief and murderer' is so much more dignified than 'celestial protector?'" he asked dryly. "Yes, you'll be Captain Morgan, the tween pirate with no ship or crew. May the universe tremble in terror."
"Shut up," I shot back. I wasn't losing an argument against a bunny. I wasn't!
I brought my gourd to my lips and began to drink. At least I couldn't get written up for drinking on the job anymore.
Author's Note
This whole idea started because "What if Captain Morgan was a magical girl(boy)?" The outfit has to match.
I've decided to lean into the magical girl trope. This means all Star Guardians have a transformation callout. In this case, "Starlight, shine bright." Each Star Guardian feels compelled to introduce themselves in some way, though that part is more flexible.
Thank you to all of my patrons. As many of you know, I update at least once a week. That said, I update much more frequently on Pat-re-on. If you would like to drop a tip, read my stories early, or vote in monthly polls, come and visit.
As of now, this is how far along each story is:
- A Colorful Life: 33
- A Life Worth Living: 7
- Homeless Bunny: 28
- Legendary Tinker: 9.2
- Plan? What Plan?: 5.6
- Pokemon: Apocalypse: 2.1
- The Holy Grill: 3.3
- Troll in the Dungeon!: 27
- When is a Spoon a Sword?: 5.1
- Let There be War: 9 (Complete)
- Snippets & Omake Exclusives: 11
Total Chapter Difference (Pat-re-on - Public): 40
Bees 1 (Naruto)
Fabled Webs
Lord Weaver, Glorious and Wise
- Location
- Arlington, VA
All the Bees 1
Mitsu Akimitchi
"Honey Badger," the old shit-flinger said. He spoke casually, yet there was always the undercurrent of lethal competence that never quite abated for as long as I'd known him.
"Hai, hokage-sama," I said, taking a knee. The Third Hokage was exactly that, my kage. The genial, grandfatherly mask he wore around Naruto and Konohamaru was nowhere to be found.
"How long has it been since you joined the ANBU?"
"Six years, hokage-sama," I replied dutifully, full well knowing he knew already. If he didn't, he had my dossier on his desk in front of him.
"Remove your mask. I hereby dismiss you from the ANBU Corps."
I complied like the good little child soldier that I was. I removed my mask and set it aside for one of the ANBU guards to take. It's not as though I was fond of the mask anyway. My alias was "honey badger," a play on my name.
I was born, reborn, Mitsu Akimichi, because mom wanted me to be "as sweet as honey." Dad told me when he was drunk once that they thought I would be born a girl and by the time I was born, mom had grown too attached to the name to give me a more masculine one. So, "Honey" Akimichi, I was.
"You were inducted into the ANBU as a chunin at the age of fourteen," the old man read, "Since then, you have completed twenty-two A-rank missions and nine S-rank missions, distinguishing yourself as an excellent shinobi in all fields."
"Thank you, hokage-sama," I replied carefully.
Truthfully, I was proud of my record. I'd failed, I was far from perfect, but never catastrophically. Though I was never made a captain, after six years in the ANBU, I was easily among the most veteran members.
I'd been everywhere. From assassinations to bodyguard missions, I'd done it all. Occasionally, when my missions permitted, I made sure to "accidentally" stumble on certain events and plot hooks I remembered from my past life, bringing back valuable intel for the village if not outright solving the problem.
"In light of your contribution to the village and the security of the Land of Fire, you are hereby promoted to the rank of jounin. Your records have been updated accordingly. Congratulations, Jounin Mitsu, it is a long overdue promotion."
"Thank you, hokage-sama."
"Your first mission in the regular shinobi forces is to pass on your extensive expertise as a jounin-sensei."
I winced at that. I knew there was a catch; there was always a catch. "I request to rejoin ANBU."
"Your request is heard, Jounin Mitsu, and summarily rejected," the fucking shit-flinger said. He wasn't even trying to hide his smug grin. "You possess both the skills and breadth of experience to excel in this role. Any genin team would be fortunate to receive your guidance."
"I believe my skills would be best utilized on high-level missions for Konoha, hokage-sama. My reliance on the Akimichi clan techniques means there is a limited number of jutsu I can teach my genin. Further, this village can always use more high-level jounin to act publicly and attract new clients."
"Don't give me that. I know for a fact that you've also mastered water and earth release, along with a summoning contract. Though your skills in genjutsu could use some work, you remain well above the majority of chunin in that area as well. Even putting aside your clan techniques, there is plenty you can pass on to the next generation.
"As for becoming a famed jounin to attract business," the Professor puffed at his pipe and stroked his beard. "There is truth in what you say. However, you need not be one of those jounin. I assure you, our finances are quite healthy."
"I am inexperienced as a teacher. Surely a newly minted jounin is not your first choice, hokage-sama," I said desperately.
"You are not the only new jounin to be tasked with a team. Just take a team. Provide a test. All I ask is that you offer them an honest chance to impress you."
I sighed. Clearly, I wasn't getting out of this one. "Hai, hokage-sama…"
X
I trudged into the classroom the following morning like a dead man walking. I loathed children. I'd resolved myself to never having kids in my previous life, even if it meant dying alone. Twenty years in the Elemental Nations had not changed my stance one iota.
"Team Four with me," I grumbled. "Let's get this over with."
I could already hear the whispers. At five-one and built like a manju, I didn't exactly cut an impressive figure. Frankly, I looked like I might roll faster than I walked. I'd inherited the Akimichi rotundness with none of the big-boned, well-muscled height of Uncle Choza. Charitably, I was "cute, fluffy, and dumpling-shaped."
As an ANBU, my atypical size was an unexpected boon. "There is no such thing as an overweight ninja," was a general truism and when my enemies saw a short, dumpling-shaped man in a badger mask, they tended to underestimate me.
But as a regular ninja in a room full of people I absolutely wasn't allowed to murder? I didn't exactly impress anyone.
I paid my students no mind. I didn't give a damn what they looked like, or even whether they followed me or not. I had no intention of passing them anyway. The old shit-flinger said I had to give them an honest chance, and I would, but that didn't mean this exam would be pleasant.
I took them to Training Ground Four, reserved for me for as long as I was a jounin-sensei. The space was a generic, grassy field, with only a wooden post to tell us we'd arrived.
"Alright, brats. Congratulations on graduating from the academy and all that jazz," I grunted.
"Yeah! We did–" One of them started to shout, only for me to talk over them.
"Shut up. Sit down. I wasn't done. What your academy sensei didn't tell you is that graduating doesn't mean you are entitled to a jounin-sensei. I get to test you and, if you are not good enough, I get to dump you morons into the genin corps."
"That's not fair!"
"Of course not. We're ninja. You're genin. That means you are disposable. Until you prove you shouldn't be considered disposable, you will continue to be treated thusly."
"Well, fine!" a second boy said. He stood and held out a hand, like a general commanding an army. It would have looked a lot more impressive if he wasn't an overly dramatic twelve year old. "Bring it on then! We'll show you we can be great ninja!"
I sighed. I really wasn't cut out for this. It wasn't that I disagreed with the shit-flinger. I was good enough to teach. Hell, if the quality of academy education was anything to go by, even a rank and file chunin would have valuable lessons worth passing down.
No, it was my social battery that was the issue. I was a misanthropic introvert at the best of times, with very few exceptions. But when it came to children, there was something about their exuberance that naturally sapped my social battery like nothing else. It felt like I'd tried to wrestle Gamabunta for a few hours.
Actually, that wasn't true. I was an Akimichi and second only to Uncle Choza in our clan arts. I'd literally rather wrestle gangsta-frog for an hour.
Unfortunately, I lived in a dictatorship and the shit-flinging Stalin ordered that I try. So, it was time to implement my plan.
"You kids think you can hack it as my students, hmm?" I growled, allowing a hint of my killing intent to fill the training ground. Whatever they were going to say died in their throats as the pressure of a jounin weighed down on them.
I bit my thumb and leisurely ran through a string of hand seals before slamming my palm to the ground. A puff of smoke later, I had a wax, gourd-shaped object in my hand. It was a warm, honey-gold in color and sat three feet tall. I handed it to the mouthier of the two boys.
"What's this, sensei?" he asked. "It's pretty heavy."
"I'm not your sensei yet, Brat #1. Your test is simple. From now until sundown, one of you must always be in constant possession of the gourd. You can throw it back and forth between yourselves, but if that gourd touches the ground for any reason, you collectively fail."
"Wait, what if someone else drops the gourd? You're going to fail all of us?"
"That's what the word 'collectively' means, brat. Genin work in four-man cells for a reason. You either pass as a group or fail as a group."
"O-Okay, what are the other rules?" the token girl asked. She was utterly plain, not even an anime hair color to make her stand out. Which probably meant she was one of Sasuke's forgettable fangirls.
"You may not leave Training Ground Four. If even one of you steps a toe out of line, I will take that to mean you are resigning."
"And since we pass as a group–"
"Correct. You all fail."
"O-Okay! No problem! It's just about four hours until sunset, right?"
"Right. Good luck, kids. Or, you know, fail. Please fail. I promise I'm not the jounin-sensei you want."
That said, I vanished in a blur. I'd never be the fastest, not compared to the likes of Kakashi or Gai, but impressing a few genin was well within my abilities. I left a shadow clone to watch over them from the treeline and found myself a quiet place to meditate.
This was it. This was their one. As dictated by my kage, the exam would be passable. In fact, it didn't require any particular skills at all. Technically, they would pass if they lay down on their backs side by side and laid the gourd on top of them. They could catch a four hour nap and make me look like a fool doing it.
Technically.
What I didn't tell them was that my summoning contract was with the spirit bees and hornets of Seihachimori. My summons would never be the slug-it-out bruiser heavyweights that Gamabunta and Manda were, but they didn't need to be. I was an Akimichi; I could take that role if necessary. No, much like normal bees, my summons specialized in production and swarm tactics.
The honey they made was laden with chakra. It was a highly coveted item both for its taste and its medicinal properties. It lifted my mother's already fantastic bakery into legendary status in the village.
More importantly, said honey drew in the weaker, mundane bees like, well, bees to honey.
It didn't take long for the screams to start. Indeed, the exam was passable. All they had to do was sit still and uncork the gourd, giving the bees access. Bees didn't want to sting if they could help it. In fact, normal bees died when they stung anyone because their stingers were attached to their intestines and barbed to remain in the victim.
That obviously wasn't what happened. My shadow clone watched them run around like headless chickens, desperately passing the hefty gourd between themselves.
Four hours? Fuck no, they didn't even last five minutes.
X
My kage stared down at me with a tired sigh. Unlike previously, I was with the rest of my peers, my fellow jounin-sensei. "Jounin Mitsu."
"Hokage-sama," I said, as polite as ever. If there was the ever-so-slight hint of smug triumph in my tone, he couldn't prove it.
"Why did you see fit to drown your students in bees?" That got a snort of laughter from my colleagues.
"Respectfully, I must disagree, hokage-sama. I gave them a gourd full of honey and told them to defend it until sundown."
"Spirit honey."
"Hai, hokage-sama."
"From Seihachimori."
"Hai."
"You knew it would draw in every bee in the village."
"Hai. In my defense…"
"Yes?"
"They were not drowning. I arranged the circumstances to ensure they had air," I said weakly. More chuckling.
"What, pray tell, were you testing? Explain your reasoning to me."
I was ready for this. You didn't fuck around with a kage's orders without a damn-good explanation handy. It could be bullshit, but that explanation had better be ready.
"Strictly speaking, bees are not hostile until harmed. Team Four could have simply lied down and uncorked the gourd, allowing the bees inside," I said, shrugging. "The exam was passable and did not require any particular skillset save the ability to think under pressure. Firstly, I wished to test their presence of mind. Sometimes, doing nothing is the right answer."
"Go on. What were your other reasons?"
"Secondly, having failed to discern the easiest path to success, they were tested on their teamwork and willingness to sacrifice for one another. As genin, mundane bee stings should be of no threat to them. Though painful, they could have endured for as long as their stamina allowed.
"Instead, they insisted on passing the gourd back and forth between them frequently, suggesting that they would see their team suffer rather than shoulder the burden. Not only did it tire them faster, it also bred animosity between them, turning the test into a competition to see who could hold the gourd least.
"Thus, I judged that they lacked the Will of Fire, that determination to go further beyond for their allies. Not only do they lack the presence of mind to discern the simplest path forward, they lack the strength of character I seek in my students, hokage-sama. For these reasons, I failed them."
The hokage looked at me judgingly. It was bullshit. He knew it was bullshit. The real reason was that I fucking hated kids. But it was bullshit that had been gilded just enough to pass muster.
Finally, he took a puff of his pipe and nodded. He stamped the paper in front of him before setting it aside.
"Very well. Team Four failed." I quietly pumped my fist in victory. "However, I maintain that you possess valuable skills I would like to see passed down to the next generation. Seeing how you have no genin team of your own, you are to make yourself available as a supplementary instructor for all active teams."
This… This was new. This definitely wasn't part of canon. There was no such thing as a "supplementary instructor," not unless you counted Kakashi pawning Naruto's training off on Ebisu so he could go teach Sasuke the Chidori during the chunin exams.
Then again, this wasn't bad either. Ninja operated on master-disciple principles. Jounin-sensei had an almost absolute control over their genins' lives, only overruled by the clan heads if a genin belonged to a clan. They were often quite jealous of this privilege, which was why they didn't usually hold joint training sessions with other teams.
I likely wouldn't get called often. And, since I was being told to make myself available, I could use that as an excuse to not leave the village for long stretches of time. It wasn't as though my family was short on money either.
I was being made a housecat, with all the time in the world to pursue my own interests. He didn't say it, but that was what was happening. Judging by the glint in his eyes, he knew I'd caught on.
I nodded gratefully. I'd rather deal with an S-rank mission than teach kids, but my goal had always been simple: strength. I wanted to be the first S-rank Akimichi. Even Uncle Choza was only considered A-rank, S-rank if he worked alongside his old team.
While high-profile missions could make me famous, this was by far more preferable. I could cultivate my strength, train and grow with few interruptions.
Praise the wise hokage! Praise the sh-Enlightened Monkey Sage! I had eyes but could not see Mount Tai! He knew I would fail my team and had only used it as an excuse to reward my service in ANBU! Truly, I was a fool to doubt the Professor's sage guidance.
Author's Note
Yeah, I've officially written something in the Naruto fandom, even if it's just a snippet. Like with Snowman-Mancer, this probably won't ever become a full story.
Seihachimori = Spirit (Seirei) Bee (Hachi) Forest (Mori)
I think. Google Translate may have lied to me. Oh well.
Mitsu Akimitchi
"Honey Badger," the old shit-flinger said. He spoke casually, yet there was always the undercurrent of lethal competence that never quite abated for as long as I'd known him.
"Hai, hokage-sama," I said, taking a knee. The Third Hokage was exactly that, my kage. The genial, grandfatherly mask he wore around Naruto and Konohamaru was nowhere to be found.
"How long has it been since you joined the ANBU?"
"Six years, hokage-sama," I replied dutifully, full well knowing he knew already. If he didn't, he had my dossier on his desk in front of him.
"Remove your mask. I hereby dismiss you from the ANBU Corps."
I complied like the good little child soldier that I was. I removed my mask and set it aside for one of the ANBU guards to take. It's not as though I was fond of the mask anyway. My alias was "honey badger," a play on my name.
I was born, reborn, Mitsu Akimichi, because mom wanted me to be "as sweet as honey." Dad told me when he was drunk once that they thought I would be born a girl and by the time I was born, mom had grown too attached to the name to give me a more masculine one. So, "Honey" Akimichi, I was.
"You were inducted into the ANBU as a chunin at the age of fourteen," the old man read, "Since then, you have completed twenty-two A-rank missions and nine S-rank missions, distinguishing yourself as an excellent shinobi in all fields."
"Thank you, hokage-sama," I replied carefully.
Truthfully, I was proud of my record. I'd failed, I was far from perfect, but never catastrophically. Though I was never made a captain, after six years in the ANBU, I was easily among the most veteran members.
I'd been everywhere. From assassinations to bodyguard missions, I'd done it all. Occasionally, when my missions permitted, I made sure to "accidentally" stumble on certain events and plot hooks I remembered from my past life, bringing back valuable intel for the village if not outright solving the problem.
"In light of your contribution to the village and the security of the Land of Fire, you are hereby promoted to the rank of jounin. Your records have been updated accordingly. Congratulations, Jounin Mitsu, it is a long overdue promotion."
"Thank you, hokage-sama."
"Your first mission in the regular shinobi forces is to pass on your extensive expertise as a jounin-sensei."
I winced at that. I knew there was a catch; there was always a catch. "I request to rejoin ANBU."
"Your request is heard, Jounin Mitsu, and summarily rejected," the fucking shit-flinger said. He wasn't even trying to hide his smug grin. "You possess both the skills and breadth of experience to excel in this role. Any genin team would be fortunate to receive your guidance."
"I believe my skills would be best utilized on high-level missions for Konoha, hokage-sama. My reliance on the Akimichi clan techniques means there is a limited number of jutsu I can teach my genin. Further, this village can always use more high-level jounin to act publicly and attract new clients."
"Don't give me that. I know for a fact that you've also mastered water and earth release, along with a summoning contract. Though your skills in genjutsu could use some work, you remain well above the majority of chunin in that area as well. Even putting aside your clan techniques, there is plenty you can pass on to the next generation.
"As for becoming a famed jounin to attract business," the Professor puffed at his pipe and stroked his beard. "There is truth in what you say. However, you need not be one of those jounin. I assure you, our finances are quite healthy."
"I am inexperienced as a teacher. Surely a newly minted jounin is not your first choice, hokage-sama," I said desperately.
"You are not the only new jounin to be tasked with a team. Just take a team. Provide a test. All I ask is that you offer them an honest chance to impress you."
I sighed. Clearly, I wasn't getting out of this one. "Hai, hokage-sama…"
X
I trudged into the classroom the following morning like a dead man walking. I loathed children. I'd resolved myself to never having kids in my previous life, even if it meant dying alone. Twenty years in the Elemental Nations had not changed my stance one iota.
"Team Four with me," I grumbled. "Let's get this over with."
I could already hear the whispers. At five-one and built like a manju, I didn't exactly cut an impressive figure. Frankly, I looked like I might roll faster than I walked. I'd inherited the Akimichi rotundness with none of the big-boned, well-muscled height of Uncle Choza. Charitably, I was "cute, fluffy, and dumpling-shaped."
As an ANBU, my atypical size was an unexpected boon. "There is no such thing as an overweight ninja," was a general truism and when my enemies saw a short, dumpling-shaped man in a badger mask, they tended to underestimate me.
But as a regular ninja in a room full of people I absolutely wasn't allowed to murder? I didn't exactly impress anyone.
I paid my students no mind. I didn't give a damn what they looked like, or even whether they followed me or not. I had no intention of passing them anyway. The old shit-flinger said I had to give them an honest chance, and I would, but that didn't mean this exam would be pleasant.
I took them to Training Ground Four, reserved for me for as long as I was a jounin-sensei. The space was a generic, grassy field, with only a wooden post to tell us we'd arrived.
"Alright, brats. Congratulations on graduating from the academy and all that jazz," I grunted.
"Yeah! We did–" One of them started to shout, only for me to talk over them.
"Shut up. Sit down. I wasn't done. What your academy sensei didn't tell you is that graduating doesn't mean you are entitled to a jounin-sensei. I get to test you and, if you are not good enough, I get to dump you morons into the genin corps."
"That's not fair!"
"Of course not. We're ninja. You're genin. That means you are disposable. Until you prove you shouldn't be considered disposable, you will continue to be treated thusly."
"Well, fine!" a second boy said. He stood and held out a hand, like a general commanding an army. It would have looked a lot more impressive if he wasn't an overly dramatic twelve year old. "Bring it on then! We'll show you we can be great ninja!"
I sighed. I really wasn't cut out for this. It wasn't that I disagreed with the shit-flinger. I was good enough to teach. Hell, if the quality of academy education was anything to go by, even a rank and file chunin would have valuable lessons worth passing down.
No, it was my social battery that was the issue. I was a misanthropic introvert at the best of times, with very few exceptions. But when it came to children, there was something about their exuberance that naturally sapped my social battery like nothing else. It felt like I'd tried to wrestle Gamabunta for a few hours.
Actually, that wasn't true. I was an Akimichi and second only to Uncle Choza in our clan arts. I'd literally rather wrestle gangsta-frog for an hour.
Unfortunately, I lived in a dictatorship and the shit-flinging Stalin ordered that I try. So, it was time to implement my plan.
"You kids think you can hack it as my students, hmm?" I growled, allowing a hint of my killing intent to fill the training ground. Whatever they were going to say died in their throats as the pressure of a jounin weighed down on them.
I bit my thumb and leisurely ran through a string of hand seals before slamming my palm to the ground. A puff of smoke later, I had a wax, gourd-shaped object in my hand. It was a warm, honey-gold in color and sat three feet tall. I handed it to the mouthier of the two boys.
"What's this, sensei?" he asked. "It's pretty heavy."
"I'm not your sensei yet, Brat #1. Your test is simple. From now until sundown, one of you must always be in constant possession of the gourd. You can throw it back and forth between yourselves, but if that gourd touches the ground for any reason, you collectively fail."
"Wait, what if someone else drops the gourd? You're going to fail all of us?"
"That's what the word 'collectively' means, brat. Genin work in four-man cells for a reason. You either pass as a group or fail as a group."
"O-Okay, what are the other rules?" the token girl asked. She was utterly plain, not even an anime hair color to make her stand out. Which probably meant she was one of Sasuke's forgettable fangirls.
"You may not leave Training Ground Four. If even one of you steps a toe out of line, I will take that to mean you are resigning."
"And since we pass as a group–"
"Correct. You all fail."
"O-Okay! No problem! It's just about four hours until sunset, right?"
"Right. Good luck, kids. Or, you know, fail. Please fail. I promise I'm not the jounin-sensei you want."
That said, I vanished in a blur. I'd never be the fastest, not compared to the likes of Kakashi or Gai, but impressing a few genin was well within my abilities. I left a shadow clone to watch over them from the treeline and found myself a quiet place to meditate.
This was it. This was their one. As dictated by my kage, the exam would be passable. In fact, it didn't require any particular skills at all. Technically, they would pass if they lay down on their backs side by side and laid the gourd on top of them. They could catch a four hour nap and make me look like a fool doing it.
Technically.
What I didn't tell them was that my summoning contract was with the spirit bees and hornets of Seihachimori. My summons would never be the slug-it-out bruiser heavyweights that Gamabunta and Manda were, but they didn't need to be. I was an Akimichi; I could take that role if necessary. No, much like normal bees, my summons specialized in production and swarm tactics.
The honey they made was laden with chakra. It was a highly coveted item both for its taste and its medicinal properties. It lifted my mother's already fantastic bakery into legendary status in the village.
More importantly, said honey drew in the weaker, mundane bees like, well, bees to honey.
It didn't take long for the screams to start. Indeed, the exam was passable. All they had to do was sit still and uncork the gourd, giving the bees access. Bees didn't want to sting if they could help it. In fact, normal bees died when they stung anyone because their stingers were attached to their intestines and barbed to remain in the victim.
That obviously wasn't what happened. My shadow clone watched them run around like headless chickens, desperately passing the hefty gourd between themselves.
Four hours? Fuck no, they didn't even last five minutes.
X
My kage stared down at me with a tired sigh. Unlike previously, I was with the rest of my peers, my fellow jounin-sensei. "Jounin Mitsu."
"Hokage-sama," I said, as polite as ever. If there was the ever-so-slight hint of smug triumph in my tone, he couldn't prove it.
"Why did you see fit to drown your students in bees?" That got a snort of laughter from my colleagues.
"Respectfully, I must disagree, hokage-sama. I gave them a gourd full of honey and told them to defend it until sundown."
"Spirit honey."
"Hai, hokage-sama."
"From Seihachimori."
"Hai."
"You knew it would draw in every bee in the village."
"Hai. In my defense…"
"Yes?"
"They were not drowning. I arranged the circumstances to ensure they had air," I said weakly. More chuckling.
"What, pray tell, were you testing? Explain your reasoning to me."
I was ready for this. You didn't fuck around with a kage's orders without a damn-good explanation handy. It could be bullshit, but that explanation had better be ready.
"Strictly speaking, bees are not hostile until harmed. Team Four could have simply lied down and uncorked the gourd, allowing the bees inside," I said, shrugging. "The exam was passable and did not require any particular skillset save the ability to think under pressure. Firstly, I wished to test their presence of mind. Sometimes, doing nothing is the right answer."
"Go on. What were your other reasons?"
"Secondly, having failed to discern the easiest path to success, they were tested on their teamwork and willingness to sacrifice for one another. As genin, mundane bee stings should be of no threat to them. Though painful, they could have endured for as long as their stamina allowed.
"Instead, they insisted on passing the gourd back and forth between them frequently, suggesting that they would see their team suffer rather than shoulder the burden. Not only did it tire them faster, it also bred animosity between them, turning the test into a competition to see who could hold the gourd least.
"Thus, I judged that they lacked the Will of Fire, that determination to go further beyond for their allies. Not only do they lack the presence of mind to discern the simplest path forward, they lack the strength of character I seek in my students, hokage-sama. For these reasons, I failed them."
The hokage looked at me judgingly. It was bullshit. He knew it was bullshit. The real reason was that I fucking hated kids. But it was bullshit that had been gilded just enough to pass muster.
Finally, he took a puff of his pipe and nodded. He stamped the paper in front of him before setting it aside.
"Very well. Team Four failed." I quietly pumped my fist in victory. "However, I maintain that you possess valuable skills I would like to see passed down to the next generation. Seeing how you have no genin team of your own, you are to make yourself available as a supplementary instructor for all active teams."
This… This was new. This definitely wasn't part of canon. There was no such thing as a "supplementary instructor," not unless you counted Kakashi pawning Naruto's training off on Ebisu so he could go teach Sasuke the Chidori during the chunin exams.
Then again, this wasn't bad either. Ninja operated on master-disciple principles. Jounin-sensei had an almost absolute control over their genins' lives, only overruled by the clan heads if a genin belonged to a clan. They were often quite jealous of this privilege, which was why they didn't usually hold joint training sessions with other teams.
I likely wouldn't get called often. And, since I was being told to make myself available, I could use that as an excuse to not leave the village for long stretches of time. It wasn't as though my family was short on money either.
I was being made a housecat, with all the time in the world to pursue my own interests. He didn't say it, but that was what was happening. Judging by the glint in his eyes, he knew I'd caught on.
I nodded gratefully. I'd rather deal with an S-rank mission than teach kids, but my goal had always been simple: strength. I wanted to be the first S-rank Akimichi. Even Uncle Choza was only considered A-rank, S-rank if he worked alongside his old team.
While high-profile missions could make me famous, this was by far more preferable. I could cultivate my strength, train and grow with few interruptions.
Praise the wise hokage! Praise the sh-Enlightened Monkey Sage! I had eyes but could not see Mount Tai! He knew I would fail my team and had only used it as an excuse to reward my service in ANBU! Truly, I was a fool to doubt the Professor's sage guidance.
Author's Note
Yeah, I've officially written something in the Naruto fandom, even if it's just a snippet. Like with Snowman-Mancer, this probably won't ever become a full story.
Seihachimori = Spirit (Seirei) Bee (Hachi) Forest (Mori)
I think. Google Translate may have lied to me. Oh well.
Captain Morgan 3
Fabled Webs
Lord Weaver, Glorious and Wise
- Location
- Arlington, VA
Preface
PWP was kind of a short chapter today so have a snippet.
The Adventures of Captain Morgan 3
Morgan Olsen
I may have miscalculated.
I drank like a fish in my old life. Beer was just another flavor of water. Rum was what I drank to keep a happy buzz. I could easily take a few shots, go all night, then come back for more. My ideal hangover cure was another shot of rum.
In my old life.
At the moment, I was twelve, with none of the hard-earned alcohol tolerance I'd developed over years of practice. Which was to say, that swig of rum hit me like a blackjack. The two other gulps that followed probably didn't help either. It was the brick that broke the camel's back. I'd been drinking before and those last few tipped me over.
I swayed back, hitting the wall as the world swam around me. It was delicious, a wonderful breath of boozy, fresh air to reinforce my heart for the shitshow that was now my life. It was sweet, complex, with a good bit of that fragrant, honey note that I loved so much.
I blinked.
Then I blinked again.
And then some more, until the world stopped spinning.
"Alright, I'm good," I said finally, hiccupping a little. I looked carefully at the bottle, then down at my new pet. "Woah, that's strong."
"Maybe you should stop taking swigs of it then," he said pointedly.
"Me? Naw, bun-bun. I need to build up my toler–hick–tolerance, ya know?"
"You really don't."
I brought the bottle to my lips again. I was starting to slur a bit now. "D-Don't bein' a Star Pirate get me–hick–healing and stuffs?"
"Star Guardian. And it's not supposed to be used this way!"
"I 'unno, lil guy. F-First Star says oth–hick–otherwise."
"You know what? Fine. Whatever. You're in uniform now. Just… Just touch your magic. Bring it out."
"Sure," I slurred, "but how come youse spinning?"
"I'm not spinning, you idiot. You're plastered."
"Yesh you are… You're tipsy–hic–Heh, that's a good name for a b-bunny… Tipsy…"
"No, it's not. My name is Calico Jack," he said patiently.
"Tipsy. I'mma call youse Tipsy now. Tipsy Jack, mascot o' Capt'n Morgan."
"I'm sorry, First Star, ma'am. Whatever I did to deserve this, I apologize…" I heard him mumble. He was great. Adorable. Not a parrot, but still pretty great. He took a deep, fortifying breath, and he said he wasn't tipsy, then looked up at me. "Alright, let's try this again. Look inward or something. Magic is already in you. It's in your soul. You just need to draw it out."
Something about what he said cut through the drunken stupor. Magic was… in my soul. It was my soul. Everyone knew that the First Star was the source of life, of existence. Which meant she was the patron of booze too.
I felt a warmth bloom in my chest that had nothing to do with the alcohol. It was soothing and warm, like the heat of fine whiskey. Which reminded me…
I raised the gourd to my lips again. Before I could take another swig, Tipsy jumped up and kicked the bottle out of my hand.
"Hey, what was that for?" I complained.
"No. You're not drinking anymore until you figure out how to sense your magi–" he started to say, only for his mouth to fall slack as the gourd teleported back to my hand in a flash of azure light.
"Oh," I giggled. "I can do that? Sweet!"
"Why me… Morgan, concentrate! You obviously just used magic! Focus and think about what you just did!"
"Oh, alright… Lessee…"
I took another drink and felt the warmth in my chest bloom. It became almost uncomfortable, a sensation that was just south of burning. Then, like a cork being popped or a fresh cask being tapped, I let go.
A tide of power surged through me. It felt like my entire body was being electrocuted, with a pins and needles feeling that left me alert and hyper-aware rather than paralyzed. Looking down at my hands, I saw my body clad in a fiery, blue glow. My axes, still looped to my sash, shone brighter than the rest of me, as if begging to be wielded.
To Tipsy's relief, I hung my gourd back on my hip and reached for my weapons. The moment they touched my hands, I understood what he meant. Knowledge flooded through me, instincts that were so familiar yet not my own. The axes practically jumped to my hands, like overeager puppies greeting their master.
It was time to see what this Star Pirate business was all about.
I kicked myself off the wall, and promptly lost my balance. I flailed my arms, windmilling with glowing, blue axes in hand. They surged with power, launching blades of light in a chaotic pattern that was almost impossible to predict. I would know; I had no clue where I was swinging either.
When I caught myself, it was just barely fast enough to keep me from faceplanting into the roof. Swaying drunkenly, I stood up straight, only to overcompensate and lean back too far. I raised my arms to balance myself, and my axes came with them, slashing the air in front of me with deadly force.
"Pretty colors," I grinned happily. This was kinda fun after all.
I "practiced" like this for several hours. I swayed side to side, feeling like a daring, swashbuckling pirate captain on board his ship. The world could rise and dip like a boat in a storm but nothing could keep me down.
I almost lost my balance with every step, but caught myself each time, turning the tumble into an unexpected slash. If anything, my seeming lack of balance only allowed me to put my full weight behind each swing.
Even in my drunken stupor, I could tell I was better than I was yesterday. Booze was like magic. It was liquid courage, the perfect social lubricant. And, in my case, it was literally magic. Whenever I paused to take another swig, I could feel the fire in my body, begging to be uncorked and let out. My rum was condensed mana and I couldn't be happier.
The more I drank, the more magic flowed through my veins and empowered my axes. And the more magic I had, the faster, stronger I became.
X
"By the power of moonshine, Star Pirate Captain Morgan will fucking kill you!" I roared as I rocketed down a nearby flagpole towards the voidlings terrorizing the mall.
Turned out, there was no way to get rid of my sparkly callout. I could, however, change it with some effort.
Was I overcompensating? Shut the fuck up.
I took out my frustrations on the convenient void creatures. Halfway to the ground, I hurled one ax. It turned into a blue blur that bisected the voidling before its handle bounced against the curb, jumping back up towards me. I snagged it out of the air and landed in a crouch before turning that momentum into a spinning slash that sundered everything in my immediate vicinity.
I hadn't meant to do that. I'd meant to land, cut up everything, then go retrieve my ax. It was pure luck that the ax happened to hit the curb at just the right angle to bounce towards me. It had even matched the distance I'd fallen to land perfectly in my hand.
I'd been doing this for two weeks now and this was a fairly common occurrence. Each time I tripped, it was because there was a monster trying to bite my head off. When I over-reached, it was because the voidling had chosen to backstep instead of commit.
Except, I wasn't that good. I wasn't just a drunkard. I was a lucky drunkard. I'd long since learned to go with the flow, obey the instincts and proddings of probability. No matter how outrageous the tumble, I always found myself swaying on my own two feet.
There was a strange, mantis-like voidling today. It was as tall as two grown men and seemed to be leading the smaller, spider-like voidlings. Thankfully, the only similarity it shared with Kha'Zix were its scythe-like claws. I wasn't sure if the Voidreaver was a thing here in this skewed alternate universe, but I had no doubt that if he was, he'd be a named character, one of the Big Bads. I wasn't ready for that.
The mantis lacked the spark of intelligence in its eyes to mark it as a true Void Champion. Though it was the biggest I'd faced so far, that meant I had good odds of winning.
Two spiders leapt for my throat as I rose, only for me to sway backwards, their claws missing me by inches. Too much rum and too quick a rise left me feeling a bit tipsy.
I grinned as I allowed instinct to take over. One ax rose to bisect both, leaving a trail of blue starlight that evaporated their viscera. My other hand flipped my hatchet into the air. It spun and stuck itself into the flagpole, freeing up my hand so I could pull out my gourd and take a fortifying drink.
"It's a Star Guardian!" some kid shouted. "We're saved!"
"Yeah, but why does ours have to be such a lush?" someone else bitched. "I mean, is he even old enough to drink?"
"You know they're immortal. Imagine, being stuck like that for the rest of eternity and getting thrown into one battlefield after another," a third person cooed sympathetically. "You can't blame the poor dear for finding an outlet."
"Sure, but why in the middle of a fi–"
"You leave my booze out of this!" I shouted, throwing an ax his way. It spun in the air, nailing a voidling that had been sneaking up on him. "And fuc–hic–you! I"m a Star Pirate!"
I leapt towards the largest cluster of spiders, trusting that my ax would find its way to me. Sure enough, it cleaved the voidling's skull, clipped a car's side mirror with its handle, and bounced its way back into my hand, just in time for me to begin slaughtering the mooks.
It was magical girl tradition or something. All the mooks needed to die before the week's big bad decided to fight. Now that I thought about it, Power Rangers did that too, probably because civilians were too stupid to run from the spectacle.
No one told this mantis that because it saw nothing wrong with rushing me down. It even trampled and skewered some of its lesser brethren. It brought its twin scythes in a scissoring cleave that I only managed to dodge because I tripped on a dead spider's cylindrical leg. It had just started to dissolve into nonexistence, throwing off my footing even more.
I landed hard on my back as the mantis' scythes sailed over my face. Curling my knees over my head, I was about to kick myself back onto my feet but the mantis was faster. One scythe struck down at my head but its vision must have been obscured by my legs because it missed my ear by a hair's breadth.
Taking the chance, I hooked the beard of axes against the scythe. By pulling like a lever, I could lock the limb between my weapons and the ground, if only for a moment. From there, I kicked off while bracing against the mantis' limb.
I twisted my torso to avoid the second scythe. In turn, that put tremendous pressure on the axes, and its trapped limb. With a sound like broken glass and a tortured shriek of agony, its trapped scythe shattered, its fragments dissipating into nonexistence.
Skipping back to my feet, I took another swig of rum while my opponent reeled in pain. The warmth of my magic, booze magic, settled in my chest, urging me onward.
I went on the attack. The little, spider-like voidlings were no threat to me now. I'd quickly gotten the hang of reinforcing my body with magic, making me even more durable than the basic protections provided by my transformation. It was one of the only two tricks I could do with my magic so I'd better be damn good at it.
I swung like a madman, cleaving the air and sending blades of azure starlight every which way. Each slash ripped the spiders in two, and whenever the light touched, the creatures of the void dissipated that much faster.
My fighting style, if it could be called that, was uniquely suited to fighting many opponents at once. I was unpredictable, to the point that even I didn't always know what I'd do next. It left my enemies reeling, chasing an opponent who was never quite where they expected me to be.
Soon, I was left with only the maimed mantis. It stared me down with a baleful glare, hatred against all of existence in its manifold eyes.
I did not falter. Even as recently as a week ago, I would have balked against such a creature, but I was different now. I still hated this job, booze was really its sole selling point, but I was needed.
It was amazing how much that one truth could change in a man. Valoran City needed me, a drunk, layabout gamer who had no accomplishments or dreams in life. I didn't know where the fuck Lux was, but she wasn't here. Until she arrived, someone else needed to stand in her spot. I wasn't the hopeful, glittering ray of sunshine she was, but maybe I could keep this seat warm.
Then, I'd retire with my pension plan of immortality and infinite booze.
That'd be nice.
I dodged a few more sloppy swings with a lazy smirk on my face. The mantis had only one arm now, but it was still plenty dangerous. My presence, or more specifically the Light inside of me, was the only thing keeping it from ripping the bystanders to shreds.
I ought to end things before the cops finished evacuating everyone. The Star Guardians had an exalted place in society, but that didn't mean they wouldn't make trouble for me, for the drinking if nothing else.
"Tipsy!" I shouted, calling for my rabbit.
"It's Calico Jack, you Star-damned asshole!" he shouted back as he dashed towards me. He weaved through the gawking bystanders and leapt over a police car, sparkles of white and blue trailing beneath his feet.
"Whatever. Let's–hic–get this over with. I need a drink."
"You're always drinking! Literally anyone else would have died of liver failure! Why the hell are you always drinking?"
"Magic! Now come on!" I yelled.
I crossed my axes as power gathered between them. Every magical girl needed a super move, that finisher that she used at the end of every episode, right? Even if "she" was a "he."
It was a move I developed after about a week. I realized that Tipsy could do so much more than just look cute and nag me about my drinking hobby, because it wasn't a problem.
After all, Star Guardian Jinx's mascots transformed into her guns. Seraphine's two minions acted as loudspeakers and backup singers for her. Syndra's became the black balls she threw around like candy. It wasn't always the case, but in general, the mascots were also their weapons.
If that was true, then why did I have two axes? And a gourd? Why were they independent of Tipsy? They shouldn't be. They should be one and the same, right?
Tipsy leapt onto my shoulder, then my crossed axes. He vanished into the weapon as a corona of blue light surrounded me. Behind me, a tidal wave formed, befitting of Captain Morgan, the magnificent Star Pirate. The wave of light surged forward, crashing into my back, but I stood firm.
I took that abundance of light and focused it between my axes. There, it formed a single, bunny-shaped crystal as the magic of the First Star altered reality itself. It wasn't until I first used this move that I realized just how literal Tipsy was being when he called himself my "Star Conduit."
"Spirit of Ardor: Moonshine!" I roared.
All of that condensed starlight had to go somewhere. Maybe a giant, fuck-you beam was the most cliche finisher a person could have, but cliches were cliches for a reason. Watching the blue laser beam vaporize the mantis sure was satisfying.
It made me want to try my hand at making moonshine.
Author's Note
Yeah, I'm not sure about this. Morgan's entire character can be summed up as "drunk guy simps for Ahri." He's probably the dumbest MC I've written, and I've written Blake Isley, Arceus' bitch.
Thank you to all of my patrons. As many of you know, I update at least once a week. That said, I update much more frequently on Pat-re-on and Kofi. If you would like to drop a tip, read my stories early, or vote in monthly polls, come and visit.
As of now, this is how far along each story is:
- A Colorful Life: 34
- A Life Worth Living: 8
- Homeless Bunny: 30
- Legendary Tinker: 9.3
- Plan? What Plan?: 5.8
- Pokemon: Apocalypse: 2.2
- The Holy Grill: 3.3
- Troll in the Dungeon!: 29
- When is a Spoon a Sword?: 5.2
- Let There be War: 9 (Complete)
- Snippets & Omake Exclusives: 14
Total Chapter Difference (Pat-re-on - Public): 49
PWP was kind of a short chapter today so have a snippet.
The Adventures of Captain Morgan 3
Morgan Olsen
I may have miscalculated.
I drank like a fish in my old life. Beer was just another flavor of water. Rum was what I drank to keep a happy buzz. I could easily take a few shots, go all night, then come back for more. My ideal hangover cure was another shot of rum.
In my old life.
At the moment, I was twelve, with none of the hard-earned alcohol tolerance I'd developed over years of practice. Which was to say, that swig of rum hit me like a blackjack. The two other gulps that followed probably didn't help either. It was the brick that broke the camel's back. I'd been drinking before and those last few tipped me over.
I swayed back, hitting the wall as the world swam around me. It was delicious, a wonderful breath of boozy, fresh air to reinforce my heart for the shitshow that was now my life. It was sweet, complex, with a good bit of that fragrant, honey note that I loved so much.
I blinked.
Then I blinked again.
And then some more, until the world stopped spinning.
"Alright, I'm good," I said finally, hiccupping a little. I looked carefully at the bottle, then down at my new pet. "Woah, that's strong."
"Maybe you should stop taking swigs of it then," he said pointedly.
"Me? Naw, bun-bun. I need to build up my toler–hick–tolerance, ya know?"
"You really don't."
I brought the bottle to my lips again. I was starting to slur a bit now. "D-Don't bein' a Star Pirate get me–hick–healing and stuffs?"
"Star Guardian. And it's not supposed to be used this way!"
"I 'unno, lil guy. F-First Star says oth–hick–otherwise."
"You know what? Fine. Whatever. You're in uniform now. Just… Just touch your magic. Bring it out."
"Sure," I slurred, "but how come youse spinning?"
"I'm not spinning, you idiot. You're plastered."
"Yesh you are… You're tipsy–hic–Heh, that's a good name for a b-bunny… Tipsy…"
"No, it's not. My name is Calico Jack," he said patiently.
"Tipsy. I'mma call youse Tipsy now. Tipsy Jack, mascot o' Capt'n Morgan."
"I'm sorry, First Star, ma'am. Whatever I did to deserve this, I apologize…" I heard him mumble. He was great. Adorable. Not a parrot, but still pretty great. He took a deep, fortifying breath, and he said he wasn't tipsy, then looked up at me. "Alright, let's try this again. Look inward or something. Magic is already in you. It's in your soul. You just need to draw it out."
Something about what he said cut through the drunken stupor. Magic was… in my soul. It was my soul. Everyone knew that the First Star was the source of life, of existence. Which meant she was the patron of booze too.
I felt a warmth bloom in my chest that had nothing to do with the alcohol. It was soothing and warm, like the heat of fine whiskey. Which reminded me…
I raised the gourd to my lips again. Before I could take another swig, Tipsy jumped up and kicked the bottle out of my hand.
"Hey, what was that for?" I complained.
"No. You're not drinking anymore until you figure out how to sense your magi–" he started to say, only for his mouth to fall slack as the gourd teleported back to my hand in a flash of azure light.
"Oh," I giggled. "I can do that? Sweet!"
"Why me… Morgan, concentrate! You obviously just used magic! Focus and think about what you just did!"
"Oh, alright… Lessee…"
I took another drink and felt the warmth in my chest bloom. It became almost uncomfortable, a sensation that was just south of burning. Then, like a cork being popped or a fresh cask being tapped, I let go.
A tide of power surged through me. It felt like my entire body was being electrocuted, with a pins and needles feeling that left me alert and hyper-aware rather than paralyzed. Looking down at my hands, I saw my body clad in a fiery, blue glow. My axes, still looped to my sash, shone brighter than the rest of me, as if begging to be wielded.
To Tipsy's relief, I hung my gourd back on my hip and reached for my weapons. The moment they touched my hands, I understood what he meant. Knowledge flooded through me, instincts that were so familiar yet not my own. The axes practically jumped to my hands, like overeager puppies greeting their master.
It was time to see what this Star Pirate business was all about.
I kicked myself off the wall, and promptly lost my balance. I flailed my arms, windmilling with glowing, blue axes in hand. They surged with power, launching blades of light in a chaotic pattern that was almost impossible to predict. I would know; I had no clue where I was swinging either.
When I caught myself, it was just barely fast enough to keep me from faceplanting into the roof. Swaying drunkenly, I stood up straight, only to overcompensate and lean back too far. I raised my arms to balance myself, and my axes came with them, slashing the air in front of me with deadly force.
"Pretty colors," I grinned happily. This was kinda fun after all.
I "practiced" like this for several hours. I swayed side to side, feeling like a daring, swashbuckling pirate captain on board his ship. The world could rise and dip like a boat in a storm but nothing could keep me down.
I almost lost my balance with every step, but caught myself each time, turning the tumble into an unexpected slash. If anything, my seeming lack of balance only allowed me to put my full weight behind each swing.
Even in my drunken stupor, I could tell I was better than I was yesterday. Booze was like magic. It was liquid courage, the perfect social lubricant. And, in my case, it was literally magic. Whenever I paused to take another swig, I could feel the fire in my body, begging to be uncorked and let out. My rum was condensed mana and I couldn't be happier.
The more I drank, the more magic flowed through my veins and empowered my axes. And the more magic I had, the faster, stronger I became.
X
"By the power of moonshine, Star Pirate Captain Morgan will fucking kill you!" I roared as I rocketed down a nearby flagpole towards the voidlings terrorizing the mall.
Turned out, there was no way to get rid of my sparkly callout. I could, however, change it with some effort.
Was I overcompensating? Shut the fuck up.
I took out my frustrations on the convenient void creatures. Halfway to the ground, I hurled one ax. It turned into a blue blur that bisected the voidling before its handle bounced against the curb, jumping back up towards me. I snagged it out of the air and landed in a crouch before turning that momentum into a spinning slash that sundered everything in my immediate vicinity.
I hadn't meant to do that. I'd meant to land, cut up everything, then go retrieve my ax. It was pure luck that the ax happened to hit the curb at just the right angle to bounce towards me. It had even matched the distance I'd fallen to land perfectly in my hand.
I'd been doing this for two weeks now and this was a fairly common occurrence. Each time I tripped, it was because there was a monster trying to bite my head off. When I over-reached, it was because the voidling had chosen to backstep instead of commit.
Except, I wasn't that good. I wasn't just a drunkard. I was a lucky drunkard. I'd long since learned to go with the flow, obey the instincts and proddings of probability. No matter how outrageous the tumble, I always found myself swaying on my own two feet.
There was a strange, mantis-like voidling today. It was as tall as two grown men and seemed to be leading the smaller, spider-like voidlings. Thankfully, the only similarity it shared with Kha'Zix were its scythe-like claws. I wasn't sure if the Voidreaver was a thing here in this skewed alternate universe, but I had no doubt that if he was, he'd be a named character, one of the Big Bads. I wasn't ready for that.
The mantis lacked the spark of intelligence in its eyes to mark it as a true Void Champion. Though it was the biggest I'd faced so far, that meant I had good odds of winning.
Two spiders leapt for my throat as I rose, only for me to sway backwards, their claws missing me by inches. Too much rum and too quick a rise left me feeling a bit tipsy.
I grinned as I allowed instinct to take over. One ax rose to bisect both, leaving a trail of blue starlight that evaporated their viscera. My other hand flipped my hatchet into the air. It spun and stuck itself into the flagpole, freeing up my hand so I could pull out my gourd and take a fortifying drink.
"It's a Star Guardian!" some kid shouted. "We're saved!"
"Yeah, but why does ours have to be such a lush?" someone else bitched. "I mean, is he even old enough to drink?"
"You know they're immortal. Imagine, being stuck like that for the rest of eternity and getting thrown into one battlefield after another," a third person cooed sympathetically. "You can't blame the poor dear for finding an outlet."
"Sure, but why in the middle of a fi–"
"You leave my booze out of this!" I shouted, throwing an ax his way. It spun in the air, nailing a voidling that had been sneaking up on him. "And fuc–hic–you! I"m a Star Pirate!"
I leapt towards the largest cluster of spiders, trusting that my ax would find its way to me. Sure enough, it cleaved the voidling's skull, clipped a car's side mirror with its handle, and bounced its way back into my hand, just in time for me to begin slaughtering the mooks.
It was magical girl tradition or something. All the mooks needed to die before the week's big bad decided to fight. Now that I thought about it, Power Rangers did that too, probably because civilians were too stupid to run from the spectacle.
No one told this mantis that because it saw nothing wrong with rushing me down. It even trampled and skewered some of its lesser brethren. It brought its twin scythes in a scissoring cleave that I only managed to dodge because I tripped on a dead spider's cylindrical leg. It had just started to dissolve into nonexistence, throwing off my footing even more.
I landed hard on my back as the mantis' scythes sailed over my face. Curling my knees over my head, I was about to kick myself back onto my feet but the mantis was faster. One scythe struck down at my head but its vision must have been obscured by my legs because it missed my ear by a hair's breadth.
Taking the chance, I hooked the beard of axes against the scythe. By pulling like a lever, I could lock the limb between my weapons and the ground, if only for a moment. From there, I kicked off while bracing against the mantis' limb.
I twisted my torso to avoid the second scythe. In turn, that put tremendous pressure on the axes, and its trapped limb. With a sound like broken glass and a tortured shriek of agony, its trapped scythe shattered, its fragments dissipating into nonexistence.
Skipping back to my feet, I took another swig of rum while my opponent reeled in pain. The warmth of my magic, booze magic, settled in my chest, urging me onward.
I went on the attack. The little, spider-like voidlings were no threat to me now. I'd quickly gotten the hang of reinforcing my body with magic, making me even more durable than the basic protections provided by my transformation. It was one of the only two tricks I could do with my magic so I'd better be damn good at it.
I swung like a madman, cleaving the air and sending blades of azure starlight every which way. Each slash ripped the spiders in two, and whenever the light touched, the creatures of the void dissipated that much faster.
My fighting style, if it could be called that, was uniquely suited to fighting many opponents at once. I was unpredictable, to the point that even I didn't always know what I'd do next. It left my enemies reeling, chasing an opponent who was never quite where they expected me to be.
Soon, I was left with only the maimed mantis. It stared me down with a baleful glare, hatred against all of existence in its manifold eyes.
I did not falter. Even as recently as a week ago, I would have balked against such a creature, but I was different now. I still hated this job, booze was really its sole selling point, but I was needed.
It was amazing how much that one truth could change in a man. Valoran City needed me, a drunk, layabout gamer who had no accomplishments or dreams in life. I didn't know where the fuck Lux was, but she wasn't here. Until she arrived, someone else needed to stand in her spot. I wasn't the hopeful, glittering ray of sunshine she was, but maybe I could keep this seat warm.
Then, I'd retire with my pension plan of immortality and infinite booze.
That'd be nice.
I dodged a few more sloppy swings with a lazy smirk on my face. The mantis had only one arm now, but it was still plenty dangerous. My presence, or more specifically the Light inside of me, was the only thing keeping it from ripping the bystanders to shreds.
I ought to end things before the cops finished evacuating everyone. The Star Guardians had an exalted place in society, but that didn't mean they wouldn't make trouble for me, for the drinking if nothing else.
"Tipsy!" I shouted, calling for my rabbit.
"It's Calico Jack, you Star-damned asshole!" he shouted back as he dashed towards me. He weaved through the gawking bystanders and leapt over a police car, sparkles of white and blue trailing beneath his feet.
"Whatever. Let's–hic–get this over with. I need a drink."
"You're always drinking! Literally anyone else would have died of liver failure! Why the hell are you always drinking?"
"Magic! Now come on!" I yelled.
I crossed my axes as power gathered between them. Every magical girl needed a super move, that finisher that she used at the end of every episode, right? Even if "she" was a "he."
It was a move I developed after about a week. I realized that Tipsy could do so much more than just look cute and nag me about my drinking hobby, because it wasn't a problem.
After all, Star Guardian Jinx's mascots transformed into her guns. Seraphine's two minions acted as loudspeakers and backup singers for her. Syndra's became the black balls she threw around like candy. It wasn't always the case, but in general, the mascots were also their weapons.
If that was true, then why did I have two axes? And a gourd? Why were they independent of Tipsy? They shouldn't be. They should be one and the same, right?
Tipsy leapt onto my shoulder, then my crossed axes. He vanished into the weapon as a corona of blue light surrounded me. Behind me, a tidal wave formed, befitting of Captain Morgan, the magnificent Star Pirate. The wave of light surged forward, crashing into my back, but I stood firm.
I took that abundance of light and focused it between my axes. There, it formed a single, bunny-shaped crystal as the magic of the First Star altered reality itself. It wasn't until I first used this move that I realized just how literal Tipsy was being when he called himself my "Star Conduit."
"Spirit of Ardor: Moonshine!" I roared.
All of that condensed starlight had to go somewhere. Maybe a giant, fuck-you beam was the most cliche finisher a person could have, but cliches were cliches for a reason. Watching the blue laser beam vaporize the mantis sure was satisfying.
It made me want to try my hand at making moonshine.
Author's Note
Yeah, I'm not sure about this. Morgan's entire character can be summed up as "drunk guy simps for Ahri." He's probably the dumbest MC I've written, and I've written Blake Isley, Arceus' bitch.
Thank you to all of my patrons. As many of you know, I update at least once a week. That said, I update much more frequently on Pat-re-on and Kofi. If you would like to drop a tip, read my stories early, or vote in monthly polls, come and visit.
As of now, this is how far along each story is:
- A Colorful Life: 34
- A Life Worth Living: 8
- Homeless Bunny: 30
- Legendary Tinker: 9.3
- Plan? What Plan?: 5.8
- Pokemon: Apocalypse: 2.2
- The Holy Grill: 3.3
- Troll in the Dungeon!: 29
- When is a Spoon a Sword?: 5.2
- Let There be War: 9 (Complete)
- Snippets & Omake Exclusives: 14
Total Chapter Difference (Pat-re-on - Public): 49
Snowman-Mancer 4
New
Fabled Webs
Lord Weaver, Glorious and Wise
- Location
- Arlington, VA
Legend of the Snowman-Mancer 4
Euri Lawrence
I stood atop the peak of Dragonspine, or really, what I considered the halfway point between the base and the true peak. Here, a solitary Statue of the Seven stood in ever-silent vigil, looking down over Mondstadt below. The view wasn't quite as great as from the Skyfrost Nail, but it was nice nonetheless, and the best that most sojourners ever got to see.
I'd tried everything. I sang hymns before his statue. I performed some standup comedy routines I remembered from my past life.I shit-talked Celestia. I even robbed a caravan from the Dawn Winery to steal a barrel of the highest quality dandelion wine (Diluc was going to give me hell the next time I saw him).
Hell, I'd started to sing songs from my old life as a bribe, songs Venti couldn't possibly know. Linkin Park. Panic at the Disco. Avenged Sevenfold. Dragonforce. Ariana Grande. Ava Max. Literally any and every genre I could think of, all with full instrumental accompaniment courtesy of my snowmen.
"That's it. There is no other option," I said as I solemnly looked up at the Statue of the Seven. I unbuckled my belt. "It didn't have to be this way, Bard-Batos. You've left me no other choice."
Just as I was about to anoint the statue with a stream of liquid gold, I felt the wind rustle the hair on the back of my neck. There was nothing innately threatening about the breeze, but it sent shivers down my spine anyway that had nothing to do with the Dragonspine chill.
There was something more that was carried on the wind, a presence that made itself known on an intrinsic level. Though I'd never met the Anemo god until now, I knew from the stirrings in my soul that this was him. The winds whispered of freedom amidst promises of whimsy and song. Pain and hope, loss and dreams, they all mixed beautifully in a haunting melody without words.
Venti had arrived, not to pleas nor hymns nor offerings, but to threats of a golden shower.
"I know I'm the God of Freedom and all, but I think this is where I draw the line," he said wryly. I turned to find the "tone-deaf bard" as Paimon would call him, deceptively petite, androgynous, and with his cherished lyre in hand. "I never thought I'd be the one to say this, but I've decided: There is in fact such a thing as too much freedom."
I pulled up my pants. "Great, you're here, Lord Bard-Batos. I wasn't actually going to pee on your statue."
"Really? You were pretty close there."
"But you showed up so it's all good, right?"
"You… You're certainly a character, Euri Lawrence. Sometimes, I wonder how you ended up with a Cryo Vision rather than Anemo. You're certainly the most carefree of all Mondstadt's sons."
I shrugged. I'd wondered that myself. "Have you considered that the Tsaritsa just wanted to cuck you out of a Vision-wielder?"
"We Archons don't actually decide who gets these, you know."
"Then I have no idea either. Winter is my favorite season, and I do love sculpting with ice, but I also love singing and playing music."
He laughed boyishly. Had I not known better, I really would have thought him a mere teen. "I can see that. Your songs are great."
"Thanks, Venti. I can call you Venti, right?"
"Sure." he strolled over and sat at his statue's feet. "You know a lot more than you let on, don't you? Alright, fine. Here I am. Let's hear it."
I took a deep breath. I'd prepared for this conversation for years. Really, ever since I ran into an insurmountable roadblock in my primary project. "Okay, here goes… I want your Gnosis."
"Excuse me?" He blinked in confusion. Whatever else he expected of me, it probably wasn't to ask for the literal proof of his godhood.
I clapped my hands and bowed at the waist. "Your Gnosis. Please let me have it. I really need it for a project of mine. I can't think of any other way to proceed."
"D-Do you even know what a Gnosis is?"
"It's that thing that looks like a chess piece you carry around. It's the proof of your godhood bestowed upon you following the Archon War by those sanctimonious pricks up top."
"Exactly. Now why would I ever give you my Gnosis?"
"A few reasons." I pulled out a bottle of dandelion wine from my dimensional bag. I also removed a decent lunch spread of dried fruits, meats, and an unleavened bread I'd made yesterday evening. "We may as well have some lunch while I explain."
"Ooh, is that wine?" He uncorked the bottle and took a deep sniff. "Mmm! It's a good vintage, too! Alright, buster, you clearly know how to win me over. Go on then, sell me on your idea."
"Alright, so it's like this: In a few years, a Descender will appear…"
X
I told him everything. I told him about Aether or Lumine, I didn't know who it would be yet. I told him about Dvalin's corruption, about that raging bitch Signora and her minions plotting in the background.
Venti was a good man. Spirit. Whatever. Despite his lackadaisical nature, he genuinely cared for people and had a great deal of sympathy for others. This was demonstrated plainly to me in his reluctance to fight the corrupted Dvalin, his mercy towards "Great Adventurer Stanley," and even the very face he wore, that of his dear friend, the Nameless Bard.
He was also immensely powerful, so powerful that shortly after the fall of Decarabian 2,600 years ago, Venti terraformed all of Mondstadt. He took what was once a great mountain range of ice and frost and shaved it all flat with blades of wind, creating the plains and low plateaus we knew today.
He then pulled a Morax and hurled the mountains into the sea, some of which were now islands I could point to on a map. When I first played through this game and heard about Erosion, I legitimately thought people were talking about Venti.
And yet, despite all his power, he described himself as the "weakest Archon," an appellation I knew for a fact was false. I didn't know if not governing Mondstadt directly somehow weakened him, but I was inclined to call bullshit. Archons weren't influenced by faith like that.
Even if they were, the other Archons ought to be equally weakened. Morax only visited his city for a single day each year, and usually to offer economic advice, not work divine miracles. Ei hadn't been outside her own mindscape in five centuries. Hell, the people who ought to be Nahida's most ardent supporters were actively trying to forget her existence.
As far as I knew, Venti willingly gave Signora his Gnosis. He allowed her to think she defeated him, that she'd gotten revenge for her dead lover. Why? I wasn't sure. Despite being the first Archon to appear in the game, he remained the most mysterious.
Was he sympathetic to her plight? Did he want to soothe her anger in some small way? Or did he not wish to fight in Mondstadt, considering the lives of those who would perish in the crossfire worth more than his proof of godhood?
All of those likely played some role in his decision, but if I was asked to guess, he gave it to Signora because he ultimately agreed with the Tsaritsa's resentment towards Celestia. He was the God of Freedom. How could he support the tyranny of the Heavenly Principles?
As a bard, and among the children of the Ruler of Time, it could be said that he was also the God of Stories as well. How could he stand idle while those same stories were inevitably Eroded away?
Perhaps, giving the Tsaritsa a measure of his power was his way of showing his approval for her rebellion. For a self-professed bard, Venti was someone who said awfully little, and spoke all the louder through his deeds.
I was also a son of Mondstadt now. Past life aside, I was the heir of the Lawrence clan. It was to Venti, by his name and before his statue, that Eula and I gave our vows as knights. More than that, it was on Galesong Hill, beneath Vanessa's tree, that I promised Eula: Mondstadt would always have a protector in me.
My many heresies aside, Venti was my god. Stupid, drunk, and irresponsible at times, but he was my god all the same. I wanted to believe that my words were carried upon the wind to his ears. I wanted to trust in him.
"So, that's it. I know," I told him. "I know that you'll likely give up the Gnosis anyway, that you don't put much stock in your status as an Archon."
"That's quite the tale. You're right, I don't care much about this old thing," he agreed. He tossed the glorified chess piece up and down in his hand. "I believe you're someone I can trust to defend Mondstadt in her time of need, but that doesn't mean I should give the Gnosis to you. Why do you want it so much? You know that having it will make you a target for Signora."
"It will, but respectfully, fuck that bitch. I'm not opposed to giving the Gnosis to the Tsaritsa, but I need it first. Hell, I'll personally deliver it to a harbinger of my choice if you want after I'm done."
"And what exactly will you do with it? You don't really think it'll make you a god, do you? It takes more than a Gnosis and truthfully? Godhood's rather overrated."
"Agreed, and no, I have no interest in taking your place or somesuch nonsense." I gestured down to our left. Even from up here, towering arches could be seen framing a valley. "Do you see those?"
That got a startled laugh from him. "Hahaha. So you know about him too?"
"Durin got the raw end of the deal, Venti. He wanted to play, to interact with Mondstadt. He wasn't a dragon of darkness; he fucking loved mortals. Even to his dying breath, he had no idea that the people fleeing from him weren't having fun, but instead being poisoned by his Abyssal blood."
"I'm aware. Dvalin is still recovering from having swallowed some of that blood five hundred years ago."
"Well, Durin's technically not dead-dead. His heart's still beating in a cave in Wyrmrest Valley. Some of his blood's seeped into the ley lines and that's why Dragonspine has scarlet quartz and crimson agate."
"You know quite a bit about this place."
"Of course. I've been studying the ley lines here for five years now. Other than perhaps Albedo, I doubt there's anyone who knows Dragonspine better than me, and we have two very different specialties."
"Along with your mysterious source of prophecy naturally," he said with a glib smile.
"Naturally. Anyway, I found out that the ley lines have diffused Durin's blood to a fraction of its potency. Scarlet quartz is dangerous to normal humans, but Vision-bearers like myself have enough magic to resist its poison. Hell, crimson agates can be used to nourish the Frostbearing Tree down there," I pointed.
"Hmm, let me guess what you're planning then. You want to harness Durin's blood somehow, probably by making a vessel for it using the tree. That certainly would be a mighty golem," he mused. "No, that's not right. You wouldn't need a Gnosis for that. Aha! You're trying to revive Durin!"
I clapped politely. "Yes, of a sort. Maybe it'd be more accurate to say I want to reincarnate Durin. I want to use one of those ribs over there and carve a skeleton out of his own bones. I want to use branches from the Frostbearing tree and shaped starsilver to make a layer of overlapping scales. I want to fill it all with snow, forming a body that can cool his blood and contain the poison in his heart. And, with the Gnosis–"
"You can use it to spark new life. You should be able to rekindle his heart, granting him his freedom once again. And this time, with a body that will not poison all those around him," he finished for me. "You would have a truly mighty familiar then. Durin would get his freedom and you would gain a powerful ally."
"Yup, that's the plan. I mean, it probably won't be the same Durin, but I still think he would have liked that. So?"
"It's clever, I'll grant you that. I'd be willing to give you the Gnosis…"
"But? You trailed off. What's the problem?"
"But it won't work. I can feel it, you know. I can feel the wind rustle the branches of the Frostbearing Tree. Though it gains nourishment from the crimson agate, it's still too fragile to withstand Durin's heart."
"As it is now, sure, but I've been gathering more crimson agates to feed the damn thing. What if I fully revive the tree first? I mean, there are crimson agates all over the mountain. Enough exposure should give that tree a greater resistance to Durin's blood, right?"
"Considering it's being nourished by said blood? Yes, it might. Alright, tell you what? If you can build a body that I think could truly hold Durin's heart, I'll give you my Gnosis. Consider it a divine trial, hmm?" he said with a cheery grin.
I held out my hand. "You've got a deal, Venti."
He shook a finger. "Ah ah ah, not yet. You're the one who benefits from this. Durin will be your familiar after all. I want something in return."
"And what's that?"
"Songs. I've heard you whenever you decide to visit the city, you know. You have a habit of making elaborate entrances, with musical numbers I've never heard before. You need to teach me more songs."
"That's all? Deal."
"Yup! You've got a deal, Snowman-Mancer," he said. Then he spied the half-empty bottle, the third I've opened just for lunch. "Oh! And this one's mine too!"
I wondered if Diluc would forgive me if I told him that the stolen booze was an offering to the Anemo God. Somehow, I doubted it.
X
I'd been crafting for years now. I was fourteen when I exiled myself from Mondstadt. I was now twenty-three. Between studying the nature of the Cryo Hypostasis, collecting huge stockpiles of starsilver, crimson agate, and scarlet quartz, and developing a way to properly channel the unique properties of the mountain's ley lines, there was no better place in Teyvat for me to hone my craft.
And then there was the research and practice I'd needed to properly use the Gnosis once I'd won my bet with Venti.
He'd been a good sport and congratulated me on passing his divine trial. Hell, he'd even given me a few pointers on how to best use the Gnosis. For all intents and purposes, I was not dissimilar to a Fatui harbinger in that I could use two elements, and without burning my life force either.
I'd been a very busy snowman.
I had to build minions so I could build bigger minions so I could build bigger minions so I could finally build what I wanted. All doable long-term only because I figured out how to anchor my minions to the local ley lines and use the Cryo energy emitted by the Skyfrost Nail to sustain them. And even though I'd given myself years to work, I barely made it in time.
Truly, crafting a body for Durin that wouldn't leak Abyssal poison into the surroundings was something I couldn't do unless I was willing to leave everything behind. The duties of a knight would have been time commitments I could ill afford. And as much as I loved Eula, as I'd said, to be a knight was her dream, not mine.
One day, I looked down from the mountain and saw Mondstadt shudder under a mighty gale. The skies had been covered in a region-wide storm. So thick were the gray clouds that I could scarcely see the rolling plains that made up my home.
I tapped the ground beneath me. All of Wyrmrest Valley seemed to tremble as an ancient titan arose. With Venti's Gnosis as a pendant around my neck and the Frostbearer catalyst in hand, I rose into the sky atop dragonback. "Well, I guess it's time to meet my little sister. Fly, dear friend, to the Nail."
Author's Note
Welp, so it begins…
Thank you to everyone who paid for my groceries. I have a Patreon and Kofi with dozens of chapters written across my various stories. If you'd like to read ahead, receive more frequent updates, vote in monthly polls or even commission a chapter directly, check them out.
Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/c/user?u=83024152
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Euri Lawrence
I stood atop the peak of Dragonspine, or really, what I considered the halfway point between the base and the true peak. Here, a solitary Statue of the Seven stood in ever-silent vigil, looking down over Mondstadt below. The view wasn't quite as great as from the Skyfrost Nail, but it was nice nonetheless, and the best that most sojourners ever got to see.
I'd tried everything. I sang hymns before his statue. I performed some standup comedy routines I remembered from my past life.I shit-talked Celestia. I even robbed a caravan from the Dawn Winery to steal a barrel of the highest quality dandelion wine (Diluc was going to give me hell the next time I saw him).
Hell, I'd started to sing songs from my old life as a bribe, songs Venti couldn't possibly know. Linkin Park. Panic at the Disco. Avenged Sevenfold. Dragonforce. Ariana Grande. Ava Max. Literally any and every genre I could think of, all with full instrumental accompaniment courtesy of my snowmen.
"That's it. There is no other option," I said as I solemnly looked up at the Statue of the Seven. I unbuckled my belt. "It didn't have to be this way, Bard-Batos. You've left me no other choice."
Just as I was about to anoint the statue with a stream of liquid gold, I felt the wind rustle the hair on the back of my neck. There was nothing innately threatening about the breeze, but it sent shivers down my spine anyway that had nothing to do with the Dragonspine chill.
There was something more that was carried on the wind, a presence that made itself known on an intrinsic level. Though I'd never met the Anemo god until now, I knew from the stirrings in my soul that this was him. The winds whispered of freedom amidst promises of whimsy and song. Pain and hope, loss and dreams, they all mixed beautifully in a haunting melody without words.
Venti had arrived, not to pleas nor hymns nor offerings, but to threats of a golden shower.
"I know I'm the God of Freedom and all, but I think this is where I draw the line," he said wryly. I turned to find the "tone-deaf bard" as Paimon would call him, deceptively petite, androgynous, and with his cherished lyre in hand. "I never thought I'd be the one to say this, but I've decided: There is in fact such a thing as too much freedom."
I pulled up my pants. "Great, you're here, Lord Bard-Batos. I wasn't actually going to pee on your statue."
"Really? You were pretty close there."
"But you showed up so it's all good, right?"
"You… You're certainly a character, Euri Lawrence. Sometimes, I wonder how you ended up with a Cryo Vision rather than Anemo. You're certainly the most carefree of all Mondstadt's sons."
I shrugged. I'd wondered that myself. "Have you considered that the Tsaritsa just wanted to cuck you out of a Vision-wielder?"
"We Archons don't actually decide who gets these, you know."
"Then I have no idea either. Winter is my favorite season, and I do love sculpting with ice, but I also love singing and playing music."
He laughed boyishly. Had I not known better, I really would have thought him a mere teen. "I can see that. Your songs are great."
"Thanks, Venti. I can call you Venti, right?"
"Sure." he strolled over and sat at his statue's feet. "You know a lot more than you let on, don't you? Alright, fine. Here I am. Let's hear it."
I took a deep breath. I'd prepared for this conversation for years. Really, ever since I ran into an insurmountable roadblock in my primary project. "Okay, here goes… I want your Gnosis."
"Excuse me?" He blinked in confusion. Whatever else he expected of me, it probably wasn't to ask for the literal proof of his godhood.
I clapped my hands and bowed at the waist. "Your Gnosis. Please let me have it. I really need it for a project of mine. I can't think of any other way to proceed."
"D-Do you even know what a Gnosis is?"
"It's that thing that looks like a chess piece you carry around. It's the proof of your godhood bestowed upon you following the Archon War by those sanctimonious pricks up top."
"Exactly. Now why would I ever give you my Gnosis?"
"A few reasons." I pulled out a bottle of dandelion wine from my dimensional bag. I also removed a decent lunch spread of dried fruits, meats, and an unleavened bread I'd made yesterday evening. "We may as well have some lunch while I explain."
"Ooh, is that wine?" He uncorked the bottle and took a deep sniff. "Mmm! It's a good vintage, too! Alright, buster, you clearly know how to win me over. Go on then, sell me on your idea."
"Alright, so it's like this: In a few years, a Descender will appear…"
X
I told him everything. I told him about Aether or Lumine, I didn't know who it would be yet. I told him about Dvalin's corruption, about that raging bitch Signora and her minions plotting in the background.
Venti was a good man. Spirit. Whatever. Despite his lackadaisical nature, he genuinely cared for people and had a great deal of sympathy for others. This was demonstrated plainly to me in his reluctance to fight the corrupted Dvalin, his mercy towards "Great Adventurer Stanley," and even the very face he wore, that of his dear friend, the Nameless Bard.
He was also immensely powerful, so powerful that shortly after the fall of Decarabian 2,600 years ago, Venti terraformed all of Mondstadt. He took what was once a great mountain range of ice and frost and shaved it all flat with blades of wind, creating the plains and low plateaus we knew today.
He then pulled a Morax and hurled the mountains into the sea, some of which were now islands I could point to on a map. When I first played through this game and heard about Erosion, I legitimately thought people were talking about Venti.
And yet, despite all his power, he described himself as the "weakest Archon," an appellation I knew for a fact was false. I didn't know if not governing Mondstadt directly somehow weakened him, but I was inclined to call bullshit. Archons weren't influenced by faith like that.
Even if they were, the other Archons ought to be equally weakened. Morax only visited his city for a single day each year, and usually to offer economic advice, not work divine miracles. Ei hadn't been outside her own mindscape in five centuries. Hell, the people who ought to be Nahida's most ardent supporters were actively trying to forget her existence.
As far as I knew, Venti willingly gave Signora his Gnosis. He allowed her to think she defeated him, that she'd gotten revenge for her dead lover. Why? I wasn't sure. Despite being the first Archon to appear in the game, he remained the most mysterious.
Was he sympathetic to her plight? Did he want to soothe her anger in some small way? Or did he not wish to fight in Mondstadt, considering the lives of those who would perish in the crossfire worth more than his proof of godhood?
All of those likely played some role in his decision, but if I was asked to guess, he gave it to Signora because he ultimately agreed with the Tsaritsa's resentment towards Celestia. He was the God of Freedom. How could he support the tyranny of the Heavenly Principles?
As a bard, and among the children of the Ruler of Time, it could be said that he was also the God of Stories as well. How could he stand idle while those same stories were inevitably Eroded away?
Perhaps, giving the Tsaritsa a measure of his power was his way of showing his approval for her rebellion. For a self-professed bard, Venti was someone who said awfully little, and spoke all the louder through his deeds.
I was also a son of Mondstadt now. Past life aside, I was the heir of the Lawrence clan. It was to Venti, by his name and before his statue, that Eula and I gave our vows as knights. More than that, it was on Galesong Hill, beneath Vanessa's tree, that I promised Eula: Mondstadt would always have a protector in me.
My many heresies aside, Venti was my god. Stupid, drunk, and irresponsible at times, but he was my god all the same. I wanted to believe that my words were carried upon the wind to his ears. I wanted to trust in him.
"So, that's it. I know," I told him. "I know that you'll likely give up the Gnosis anyway, that you don't put much stock in your status as an Archon."
"That's quite the tale. You're right, I don't care much about this old thing," he agreed. He tossed the glorified chess piece up and down in his hand. "I believe you're someone I can trust to defend Mondstadt in her time of need, but that doesn't mean I should give the Gnosis to you. Why do you want it so much? You know that having it will make you a target for Signora."
"It will, but respectfully, fuck that bitch. I'm not opposed to giving the Gnosis to the Tsaritsa, but I need it first. Hell, I'll personally deliver it to a harbinger of my choice if you want after I'm done."
"And what exactly will you do with it? You don't really think it'll make you a god, do you? It takes more than a Gnosis and truthfully? Godhood's rather overrated."
"Agreed, and no, I have no interest in taking your place or somesuch nonsense." I gestured down to our left. Even from up here, towering arches could be seen framing a valley. "Do you see those?"
That got a startled laugh from him. "Hahaha. So you know about him too?"
"Durin got the raw end of the deal, Venti. He wanted to play, to interact with Mondstadt. He wasn't a dragon of darkness; he fucking loved mortals. Even to his dying breath, he had no idea that the people fleeing from him weren't having fun, but instead being poisoned by his Abyssal blood."
"I'm aware. Dvalin is still recovering from having swallowed some of that blood five hundred years ago."
"Well, Durin's technically not dead-dead. His heart's still beating in a cave in Wyrmrest Valley. Some of his blood's seeped into the ley lines and that's why Dragonspine has scarlet quartz and crimson agate."
"You know quite a bit about this place."
"Of course. I've been studying the ley lines here for five years now. Other than perhaps Albedo, I doubt there's anyone who knows Dragonspine better than me, and we have two very different specialties."
"Along with your mysterious source of prophecy naturally," he said with a glib smile.
"Naturally. Anyway, I found out that the ley lines have diffused Durin's blood to a fraction of its potency. Scarlet quartz is dangerous to normal humans, but Vision-bearers like myself have enough magic to resist its poison. Hell, crimson agates can be used to nourish the Frostbearing Tree down there," I pointed.
"Hmm, let me guess what you're planning then. You want to harness Durin's blood somehow, probably by making a vessel for it using the tree. That certainly would be a mighty golem," he mused. "No, that's not right. You wouldn't need a Gnosis for that. Aha! You're trying to revive Durin!"
I clapped politely. "Yes, of a sort. Maybe it'd be more accurate to say I want to reincarnate Durin. I want to use one of those ribs over there and carve a skeleton out of his own bones. I want to use branches from the Frostbearing tree and shaped starsilver to make a layer of overlapping scales. I want to fill it all with snow, forming a body that can cool his blood and contain the poison in his heart. And, with the Gnosis–"
"You can use it to spark new life. You should be able to rekindle his heart, granting him his freedom once again. And this time, with a body that will not poison all those around him," he finished for me. "You would have a truly mighty familiar then. Durin would get his freedom and you would gain a powerful ally."
"Yup, that's the plan. I mean, it probably won't be the same Durin, but I still think he would have liked that. So?"
"It's clever, I'll grant you that. I'd be willing to give you the Gnosis…"
"But? You trailed off. What's the problem?"
"But it won't work. I can feel it, you know. I can feel the wind rustle the branches of the Frostbearing Tree. Though it gains nourishment from the crimson agate, it's still too fragile to withstand Durin's heart."
"As it is now, sure, but I've been gathering more crimson agates to feed the damn thing. What if I fully revive the tree first? I mean, there are crimson agates all over the mountain. Enough exposure should give that tree a greater resistance to Durin's blood, right?"
"Considering it's being nourished by said blood? Yes, it might. Alright, tell you what? If you can build a body that I think could truly hold Durin's heart, I'll give you my Gnosis. Consider it a divine trial, hmm?" he said with a cheery grin.
I held out my hand. "You've got a deal, Venti."
He shook a finger. "Ah ah ah, not yet. You're the one who benefits from this. Durin will be your familiar after all. I want something in return."
"And what's that?"
"Songs. I've heard you whenever you decide to visit the city, you know. You have a habit of making elaborate entrances, with musical numbers I've never heard before. You need to teach me more songs."
"That's all? Deal."
"Yup! You've got a deal, Snowman-Mancer," he said. Then he spied the half-empty bottle, the third I've opened just for lunch. "Oh! And this one's mine too!"
I wondered if Diluc would forgive me if I told him that the stolen booze was an offering to the Anemo God. Somehow, I doubted it.
X
I'd been crafting for years now. I was fourteen when I exiled myself from Mondstadt. I was now twenty-three. Between studying the nature of the Cryo Hypostasis, collecting huge stockpiles of starsilver, crimson agate, and scarlet quartz, and developing a way to properly channel the unique properties of the mountain's ley lines, there was no better place in Teyvat for me to hone my craft.
And then there was the research and practice I'd needed to properly use the Gnosis once I'd won my bet with Venti.
He'd been a good sport and congratulated me on passing his divine trial. Hell, he'd even given me a few pointers on how to best use the Gnosis. For all intents and purposes, I was not dissimilar to a Fatui harbinger in that I could use two elements, and without burning my life force either.
I'd been a very busy snowman.
I had to build minions so I could build bigger minions so I could build bigger minions so I could finally build what I wanted. All doable long-term only because I figured out how to anchor my minions to the local ley lines and use the Cryo energy emitted by the Skyfrost Nail to sustain them. And even though I'd given myself years to work, I barely made it in time.
Truly, crafting a body for Durin that wouldn't leak Abyssal poison into the surroundings was something I couldn't do unless I was willing to leave everything behind. The duties of a knight would have been time commitments I could ill afford. And as much as I loved Eula, as I'd said, to be a knight was her dream, not mine.
One day, I looked down from the mountain and saw Mondstadt shudder under a mighty gale. The skies had been covered in a region-wide storm. So thick were the gray clouds that I could scarcely see the rolling plains that made up my home.
I tapped the ground beneath me. All of Wyrmrest Valley seemed to tremble as an ancient titan arose. With Venti's Gnosis as a pendant around my neck and the Frostbearer catalyst in hand, I rose into the sky atop dragonback. "Well, I guess it's time to meet my little sister. Fly, dear friend, to the Nail."
Author's Note
Welp, so it begins…
Thank you to everyone who paid for my groceries. I have a Patreon and Kofi with dozens of chapters written across my various stories. If you'd like to read ahead, receive more frequent updates, vote in monthly polls or even commission a chapter directly, check them out.
Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/c/user?u=83024152
Kofi: https://ko-fi.com/fabledwebs
Bees 2
New
Fabled Webs
Lord Weaver, Glorious and Wise
- Location
- Arlington, VA
All the Bees 2
Mitsu Akimitchi
I'd been lied to. Tricked. Scammed, hoodwinked, bamboozled, and all those other words.
The Third was not in fact looking out for me. He was not being respectful of my time, nor was he giving me the chance to train in relative privacy while still contributing to the village. No, that smug, shit-flinging bastard took into account something I'd overlooked.
Kakashi Hatake was a lazy son of a bitch.
It hadn't even been three days and this fucker was already ditching his team on me.
"Mah, mah. Don't look at me like that, Mitsu-kohai. Just help me train them," he said with his signature eye-smile. How this fucker managed to look so smug and innocent at the same time was beyond me. Truly, veteran jounin were master manipulators.
"There is nothing I can teach them that you can't also, Kakashi," I said with an exasperated glower.
It didn't deter him one whit though. The shitty friend-stabbing, porn-addicted bastard just kept reading his smut like he had nothing better to do. "Don't think of it in those terms. You graduated from the academy not too long ago, relatively speaking. I'm afraid I'm a little out of touch with this generation. You can relate to them better. That's why you're the supplementary instructor."
I knew what he was doing. The bastard was both reminding me that a) I was his junior, and b) that the shit-flinger gave me an assignment. No matter how it was phrased, that was exactly what this was: an assignment. As a jounin of Konohagakure, I wasn't allowed to say no.
I looked over at the three genin. They'd been uncharacteristically silent this whole conversation, but I had no doubt about their capacity to provide me with migraines. Naruto Uzumaki, Sasuke Uchiha, and Sakura Haruno, the two reincarnating fuck-nuggets whom this entire world revolved around and their shitty, bubblegum-haired third wheel.
Normal children made me want to skin myself alive. Suffice to say, I was not looking forward to this.
"Fine… What exactly have you taught them so far?" I growled.
"Oh, we've been focusing on teamwork through D-rank missions."
"You…" I knew that of course.
Not only was Kakashi infamous for his laziness, he canonically hadn't even started his team on chakra control exercises until the Wave mission, a full month after he got his team.
It still galled me to hear it though.
I couldn't let this state of affairs continue. No matter how much I loathed children, these three, or really two and a strawberry tagalong, were the destined ones. I could be as strong as a kage and I'd still get fucked over if they didn't rise to the challenge.
"Fine, I do have other commitments, Kakashi," I said with a resigned sigh. "Monday, Wednesday, and Friday afternoons at Training Ground Four."
"Excellent! You kids have fun now~" he practically sang before vanishing in a shunshin.
"H-He really ditched us," Naruto mumbled. Then, the blonde stereotype finally caught up to the situation and yelled, "What the hell? How could he just ditch us?"
"Shut up, Naruto!" Sakura yelled back. "You're not helping!"
Four seconds. It took them four fucking seconds to give me a migraine. Already, Sasuke was my favorite. Sure, he was a broody, traitorous, revenge-obsessed imbecile who survived handing himself to Orochimaru through the godly power of plot armor, but at least he was a quiet imbecile.
"Shiro, Kuro, please shut them up," I muttered.
From the bushes, two stings rocketed into their necks, depositing a paralyzing venom that rendered them completely helpless. The two dead weights promptly collapsed, immobile.
Sasuke looked around warily, kunai in hand. He could search all he wanted; it was a fool's errand. Shirobachi and Kurobachi, massive hornets as large as my forearm, were my primary summons. Not only could they control the potency of their venom, they were my regular companions on A and S-rank missions. If a genin could find them, I'd eat my mask.
Then, just to stay on brand, I let out a sharp whistle. A third stinger found itself lodged in Sasuke's right buttcheek, helping him join his teammates in shared suffering.
"Excellent, some peace and quiet. Listen up, brats. As Kakashi said, I'm a supplementary jounin-sensei. No, it's not a role that existed until a few days ago. No, I didn't volunteer for this. In fact, I failed my team because I didn't want to be saddled with a bunch of dead weight.
"But I'm a good little jounin and I have orders from my kage to make sure you fuckwits don't get yourselves killed. To that end, you will be training with me three days a week. Seeing as my senpai did not deem fit to begin teaching you anything worthwhile, we'll work on shoring up your god-awful foundation. Am I clear?"
Silence greeted me. I luxuriated in it. Yes, they were paralyzed. No, they couldn't confirm nor deny. I'd let them go in a bit, but for the moment, I basked in what I knew would be an increasingly rare moment of tranquility.
As the dosage wore off, the three sat up groggily. They glared at me but that only reminded me of soaked kittens.
"What the hell was that fo–Mmph!" Naruto started to yell.
I promptly unsealed a dango and chucked it down his throat faster than he could track. I was an Akimichi after all. Having a snack-scroll was common sense.
While he did his best to choke down an extra-sticky honey-glazed dango, I spoke over him. "No. None of that. You are ninja now, for a given definition of the word. You will act like ninja. That means you value silence, discipline, and composure. If you do not, you will at least pretend you do in my presence, or you get to find out exactly how many different types of toxins I have access to. I assure you, training your poison immunity is also a valid teaching method. Am I clear?"
I received three nervous nods. Excellent. They could learn. They would learn, even if I had to condition them like Pavlov's dogs.
"Good. Let's do some basic Q&A. You, pinky, what's chakra?" I demanded.
"Ah, umm… It's the combination of physical and spiritual energies, sensei," she stammered.
"How… textbook. It's right, but also a very brief summary of a far deeper topic. Physical energy is called yang chakra and spiritual energy is called yin chakra. You learned that, right?"
"Yes, sensei."
"We did? I didn't know that," Naruto muttered.
"You were probably sitting outside with a bucket on your head, dead last," Sasuke said snidely.
"Hey, shu–Mmph!"
I sighed. At this rate, this moron was going to empty my snack-scroll. "What did I just say about silence? Speak quietly. And if you eat all my snacks, I'll make you burn off the calories in the most painful way I can think of."
"But he–"
"Don't care. A ninja is not ruled by his emotions. If you're so impulsive that you react to a bit of taunting, you really should consider a career change. Now, since you don't know basic information about chakra, listen carefully because it matters.
"You, broody, do you have more yin or yang chakra?"
Sasuke frowned. "It's an even mix. They're supposed to be balanced."
"Wrong." Naruto snickered to the side. "Both yin and yang need to exist in a person, but the proportions can differ depending on the individual. Usually, it's clan-specific. For example, I am an Akimichi. Any of you know what my clan's known for?"
"Being fa–Ack!" Naruto choked on yet more of my snack-scroll. This time, a hard candy fired with enough force to dent a wooden fence. He rolled around on the ground, trying to dislodge the candy from his throat.
He would be my kage one day. Lord Seventh, Heir of Asura, and the Savior of the Elemental Nations. But that day would not come for a long while yet. Right now, he was a snot-nosed brat with a massive inferiority complex towards Sasuke who still thought fat jokes were funny.
When he remained coughing for several more seconds, I enlarged my hand before bringing it down in an open-palm slap. I pinned his whole body against the ground and drove the air from his lungs. The hard candy shot out of his throat and fell back onto his forehead.
"This, is the Akimichi clan jutsu. Other than size manipulation, we are also especially good at converting calories directly into chakra. In other words, we excel at the physical aspects of the ninja arts. As you might imagine, my chakra leans heavily towards yang.
"The reason I'm telling you this is because knowing where you personally fall on the yin-yang spectrum is just as important as knowing your elemental affinity. In fact, instead of the five elemental affinities you've bene taught, it wouldn't be wrong to add yin and yang and say there are seven."
Sakura raised her hand hesitantly. "Umm, sensei, how do you find out?"
"Typically, through long experience, clan techniques, or the help of a sensor. Lucky you, I can simply tell you: You and broody here lean towards yin. Blondie has a yang affinity. This means that you two will have an easier time with things like genjutsu and iryojutsu while he'll tend to be a much more kinesthetic learner."
"What's that mean?" said blondie asked.
"You learn things better by doing them. Studying genjutsu scrolls or learning about the various ways chakra interact with the nervous system probably won't do you much good."
"Well, I could've told you that."
"Just keep this in mind going forward. Eventually, you'll run into jutsu that benefit from one type of chakra or another. Having the right affinity will make your techniques stronger, more cost-effective, and cut down on the time it takes to learn new ones. There's a lot more to chakra theory, but simply knowing where you stand is enough for now."
I stood and stretched, motioning for them to follow. My three lemmings trailed behind me dutifully as I led them to three same-ish trees.
It was time for their obligatory tree-walking lesson.
"Right now, the best thing you can do is to improve your chakra control." I held out a hand, forestalling Naruto's inevitable outburst about how that was "lame." "No matter what you do, you need chakra control. Think of it like this: If jutsu, any jutsu, is a dish, chakra control is like the skill of a chef. The more skilled the chef, the better the outcome. Those cool, powerful jutsu? They're like the best, most delicious feasts; only the most skilled chefs can make them."
"Of course the Akimichi would make a food metaphor," Sakura muttered under her breath, nowhere near quietly enough. I allowed the remark to slide though; she wasn't wrong.
"Wait, so if jutsu are like food… I can make chakra-ramen?" Naruto exclaimed. I'd almost forgotten how obsessed he was about the stuff. Then again, if it ain't broke…
"Yes, blondie," I said, nodding genially. "Having masterful chakra control is like being a master ramen chef. Sure, amateurs can make ramen too, but it just doesn't taste the same, right?"
"Right! There's this place called–"
"Ichiraku's, I know. Teuchi's a family friend," I said. He did also serve some snacks on the side and mom owned a bakery. He and Ayame bought cookies from us fairly frequently.
"He's the best ramen chef in the world!"
"Sure, kid. He's the kage of ramen. Chakra control is like being able to make perfect ramen. Get it?"
"Yeah, where do I start? I'm gonna be hokage too!"
"That worked?" I heard Sasuke mumble.
My other two lemmings stared at each other in shock. I didn't blame them. I'd done the impossible after all. I'd motivated Naruto.
Joke's on them though. Naruto wasn't dumb necessarily, no matter how much I mocked him in my mind. He lacked focus and direction, but he had talent and ambition in spades.
What he needed wasn't the adoration of the village. No, what he really needed was someone to speak his language, give him a reason to try in a way he could internalize. And if terrible metaphors about ramen were what got through to him, then so be it.
I explained the exercise to them before excusing myself, leaving behind a shadow clone to oversee their training.
X
"And here we thought you hated kids," Shirobachi said. She had a droning cadence to her voice, almost as if it had been auto-tuned incorrectly.
"Don't tease, sister," Kurobachi reprimanded. "You know how much Mitsu hates this assignment.
"He seemed to do well enough. Brats were damn annoying though."
"He did. You know, Mitsu, you might be better at this than you gave yourself credit for."
"I never said I couldn't teach," I replied. "I said I hate kids. The two aren't mutually exclusive."
My two summons, like the vast majority of bees, were female. They were from the same generation but had vastly different life experiences.
Though they were both in the warrior caste now, they'd risen through the ranks doing different tasks for the hive. Shirobachi used to be a worker who produced wax and built up the hive's architecture while Kurobachi had taken the pollen brought into the hive and converted it into honey. It was only relatively recently that the two had been permitted outside the great hive.
Maybe I was making false associations, but Kurobachi tended to be as sweet and tactful as the honey she used to make. On the other hand, Shirobachi was like a construction worker, crude and blunt even when she meant no offense.
"Come on, enough about the brats. My clone will watch over them," I said. I sat cross-legged on an abandoned log and tapped my thighs. "Let's get to work. I think I'm almost there."
"You know, you'd have more luck in Seihachimori," Kuro pointed out. "Our forest has more nature chakra, and I can get you the good honey that kougou-sama won't let us take out of the forest."
"I know, but I can't really leave. I'll have to try and make what progress I can here."
"Senjutsu training ain't easy, Mitsu," Shiro said. "You're fucking crazy if you think you can gather enough here."
"You can. Hashirama did it."
"Sure, but he had the mokuton. It's a fucking cheat, you know? It basically lets you make spirit wood."
"I do know. But I have you two," I said as I gently grabbed them by their abdomens. I tugged them down to me and sat them on my lap. "I know that gathering nature chakra here would be almost impossible as an amateur, but that's why I'm not doing it alone."
"He's right, sister," Kuro buzzed. "One of us can gather the chakra for him and the other can stabilize it, get him used to the feeling of storing it."
"Yeah, fine, fine," Shiro said. "Let's get this shit started then."
I closed my eyes and took my first step into S-class status.
This was the real reason I wanted to stay in the village. There was no way in hell I'd be able to practice this while taking missions regularly. If I had a choice, I'd have recused myself altogether from active duty for however long it took, but that wasn't an option for a former-ANBU like me.
I could make far more progress in Seihachimori. There, the woods were flooded with nature chakra. The royal jelly consumed by her highness was basically condensed nature chakra. Hell, even the higher-end honey or mead the bees made were filled with it. Bees were gatherers first and foremost, those who cultivated the land in a way that no other species did.
Alas, taking those products out of the hive was a big no-no. They were secrets of the bees after all. Though I had a great relationship with their queen, some things just weren't permissible.
So, baby steps in Konoha it was…
X
Sakura Haruno
"Sensei, I did it," I said, keeping my voice down.
Mitsu-sensei was scary. I didn't doubt he'd make good on the threat to start us on poison tolerance training if we mouthed off too much.
I stood parallel to the ground and waved down at my teammates. Sasuke-kun was as dreamy as always, even when he scowled. That look of intense focus was so hot~
"Oh? Did you now?" sensei hummed. Then, his arm became a blur and I felt something hard crack against my forehead.
"Ow!" I yelped, falling to the ground. Dazed, I looked around to find a pink, jewel-like hard candy. "What was that for?"
"What else? Get back up there. You're not done until you can run and fight on any surface."
"But that wasn't the assignment…"
"Let me guess, you were the smartest one in class, huh?"
"I'm kunoichi of the year," I replied proudly.
"Like fuck that matters. Life isn't a math problem, pinky. Good enough isn't good enough. It doesn't matter that you can walk on walls now. What you really need is to be able to walk on walls, fight, dodge, and launch jutsu at the same time while keeping your team briefed on what you're doing. Then, you'll be good enough. Not great, just good enough."
"But… But I'm tired…"
"So? Are you out of chakra already?"
"W-Well, no…"
With a puff of smoke, three hard candies appeared between each of his fingers. "Then get up there and dodge."
So, dodge I did. It was hard not to be motivated when he threatened to use actual senbon and kunai if he caught me slacking. The hard candies left painful welts on my skin. I was sure I'd look like a red cheetah by the end of training.
Not even chakra exhaustion saved me. He made me pick up one of the candies stuck to the tree trunk and eat it, not even caring that I was on a diet!
It was… It was delicious, cotton candy flavored. It also flooded me with chakra so he could keep chucking candies at me.
I missed Kakashi-sensei…
Author's Note
Have another snippet.
Jumping straight into animal facts, bees change careers throughout their lives. They move from job to job until they become pollen-gatherers during the last few weeks of their lives. This means that even when bees are lost or killed outside, the hive remains generationally stable.
Thank you to everyone who paid for my groceries. I have a Patreon and Kofi with dozens of chapters written across my various stories. If you'd like to read ahead, receive more frequent updates, vote in monthly polls or even commission a chapter directly, check them out.
Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/c/user?u=83024152
Kofi: https://ko-fi.com/fabledwebs
Mitsu Akimitchi
I'd been lied to. Tricked. Scammed, hoodwinked, bamboozled, and all those other words.
The Third was not in fact looking out for me. He was not being respectful of my time, nor was he giving me the chance to train in relative privacy while still contributing to the village. No, that smug, shit-flinging bastard took into account something I'd overlooked.
Kakashi Hatake was a lazy son of a bitch.
It hadn't even been three days and this fucker was already ditching his team on me.
"Mah, mah. Don't look at me like that, Mitsu-kohai. Just help me train them," he said with his signature eye-smile. How this fucker managed to look so smug and innocent at the same time was beyond me. Truly, veteran jounin were master manipulators.
"There is nothing I can teach them that you can't also, Kakashi," I said with an exasperated glower.
It didn't deter him one whit though. The shitty friend-stabbing, porn-addicted bastard just kept reading his smut like he had nothing better to do. "Don't think of it in those terms. You graduated from the academy not too long ago, relatively speaking. I'm afraid I'm a little out of touch with this generation. You can relate to them better. That's why you're the supplementary instructor."
I knew what he was doing. The bastard was both reminding me that a) I was his junior, and b) that the shit-flinger gave me an assignment. No matter how it was phrased, that was exactly what this was: an assignment. As a jounin of Konohagakure, I wasn't allowed to say no.
I looked over at the three genin. They'd been uncharacteristically silent this whole conversation, but I had no doubt about their capacity to provide me with migraines. Naruto Uzumaki, Sasuke Uchiha, and Sakura Haruno, the two reincarnating fuck-nuggets whom this entire world revolved around and their shitty, bubblegum-haired third wheel.
Normal children made me want to skin myself alive. Suffice to say, I was not looking forward to this.
"Fine… What exactly have you taught them so far?" I growled.
"Oh, we've been focusing on teamwork through D-rank missions."
"You…" I knew that of course.
Not only was Kakashi infamous for his laziness, he canonically hadn't even started his team on chakra control exercises until the Wave mission, a full month after he got his team.
It still galled me to hear it though.
I couldn't let this state of affairs continue. No matter how much I loathed children, these three, or really two and a strawberry tagalong, were the destined ones. I could be as strong as a kage and I'd still get fucked over if they didn't rise to the challenge.
"Fine, I do have other commitments, Kakashi," I said with a resigned sigh. "Monday, Wednesday, and Friday afternoons at Training Ground Four."
"Excellent! You kids have fun now~" he practically sang before vanishing in a shunshin.
"H-He really ditched us," Naruto mumbled. Then, the blonde stereotype finally caught up to the situation and yelled, "What the hell? How could he just ditch us?"
"Shut up, Naruto!" Sakura yelled back. "You're not helping!"
Four seconds. It took them four fucking seconds to give me a migraine. Already, Sasuke was my favorite. Sure, he was a broody, traitorous, revenge-obsessed imbecile who survived handing himself to Orochimaru through the godly power of plot armor, but at least he was a quiet imbecile.
"Shiro, Kuro, please shut them up," I muttered.
From the bushes, two stings rocketed into their necks, depositing a paralyzing venom that rendered them completely helpless. The two dead weights promptly collapsed, immobile.
Sasuke looked around warily, kunai in hand. He could search all he wanted; it was a fool's errand. Shirobachi and Kurobachi, massive hornets as large as my forearm, were my primary summons. Not only could they control the potency of their venom, they were my regular companions on A and S-rank missions. If a genin could find them, I'd eat my mask.
Then, just to stay on brand, I let out a sharp whistle. A third stinger found itself lodged in Sasuke's right buttcheek, helping him join his teammates in shared suffering.
"Excellent, some peace and quiet. Listen up, brats. As Kakashi said, I'm a supplementary jounin-sensei. No, it's not a role that existed until a few days ago. No, I didn't volunteer for this. In fact, I failed my team because I didn't want to be saddled with a bunch of dead weight.
"But I'm a good little jounin and I have orders from my kage to make sure you fuckwits don't get yourselves killed. To that end, you will be training with me three days a week. Seeing as my senpai did not deem fit to begin teaching you anything worthwhile, we'll work on shoring up your god-awful foundation. Am I clear?"
Silence greeted me. I luxuriated in it. Yes, they were paralyzed. No, they couldn't confirm nor deny. I'd let them go in a bit, but for the moment, I basked in what I knew would be an increasingly rare moment of tranquility.
As the dosage wore off, the three sat up groggily. They glared at me but that only reminded me of soaked kittens.
"What the hell was that fo–Mmph!" Naruto started to yell.
I promptly unsealed a dango and chucked it down his throat faster than he could track. I was an Akimichi after all. Having a snack-scroll was common sense.
While he did his best to choke down an extra-sticky honey-glazed dango, I spoke over him. "No. None of that. You are ninja now, for a given definition of the word. You will act like ninja. That means you value silence, discipline, and composure. If you do not, you will at least pretend you do in my presence, or you get to find out exactly how many different types of toxins I have access to. I assure you, training your poison immunity is also a valid teaching method. Am I clear?"
I received three nervous nods. Excellent. They could learn. They would learn, even if I had to condition them like Pavlov's dogs.
"Good. Let's do some basic Q&A. You, pinky, what's chakra?" I demanded.
"Ah, umm… It's the combination of physical and spiritual energies, sensei," she stammered.
"How… textbook. It's right, but also a very brief summary of a far deeper topic. Physical energy is called yang chakra and spiritual energy is called yin chakra. You learned that, right?"
"Yes, sensei."
"We did? I didn't know that," Naruto muttered.
"You were probably sitting outside with a bucket on your head, dead last," Sasuke said snidely.
"Hey, shu–Mmph!"
I sighed. At this rate, this moron was going to empty my snack-scroll. "What did I just say about silence? Speak quietly. And if you eat all my snacks, I'll make you burn off the calories in the most painful way I can think of."
"But he–"
"Don't care. A ninja is not ruled by his emotions. If you're so impulsive that you react to a bit of taunting, you really should consider a career change. Now, since you don't know basic information about chakra, listen carefully because it matters.
"You, broody, do you have more yin or yang chakra?"
Sasuke frowned. "It's an even mix. They're supposed to be balanced."
"Wrong." Naruto snickered to the side. "Both yin and yang need to exist in a person, but the proportions can differ depending on the individual. Usually, it's clan-specific. For example, I am an Akimichi. Any of you know what my clan's known for?"
"Being fa–Ack!" Naruto choked on yet more of my snack-scroll. This time, a hard candy fired with enough force to dent a wooden fence. He rolled around on the ground, trying to dislodge the candy from his throat.
He would be my kage one day. Lord Seventh, Heir of Asura, and the Savior of the Elemental Nations. But that day would not come for a long while yet. Right now, he was a snot-nosed brat with a massive inferiority complex towards Sasuke who still thought fat jokes were funny.
When he remained coughing for several more seconds, I enlarged my hand before bringing it down in an open-palm slap. I pinned his whole body against the ground and drove the air from his lungs. The hard candy shot out of his throat and fell back onto his forehead.
"This, is the Akimichi clan jutsu. Other than size manipulation, we are also especially good at converting calories directly into chakra. In other words, we excel at the physical aspects of the ninja arts. As you might imagine, my chakra leans heavily towards yang.
"The reason I'm telling you this is because knowing where you personally fall on the yin-yang spectrum is just as important as knowing your elemental affinity. In fact, instead of the five elemental affinities you've bene taught, it wouldn't be wrong to add yin and yang and say there are seven."
Sakura raised her hand hesitantly. "Umm, sensei, how do you find out?"
"Typically, through long experience, clan techniques, or the help of a sensor. Lucky you, I can simply tell you: You and broody here lean towards yin. Blondie has a yang affinity. This means that you two will have an easier time with things like genjutsu and iryojutsu while he'll tend to be a much more kinesthetic learner."
"What's that mean?" said blondie asked.
"You learn things better by doing them. Studying genjutsu scrolls or learning about the various ways chakra interact with the nervous system probably won't do you much good."
"Well, I could've told you that."
"Just keep this in mind going forward. Eventually, you'll run into jutsu that benefit from one type of chakra or another. Having the right affinity will make your techniques stronger, more cost-effective, and cut down on the time it takes to learn new ones. There's a lot more to chakra theory, but simply knowing where you stand is enough for now."
I stood and stretched, motioning for them to follow. My three lemmings trailed behind me dutifully as I led them to three same-ish trees.
It was time for their obligatory tree-walking lesson.
"Right now, the best thing you can do is to improve your chakra control." I held out a hand, forestalling Naruto's inevitable outburst about how that was "lame." "No matter what you do, you need chakra control. Think of it like this: If jutsu, any jutsu, is a dish, chakra control is like the skill of a chef. The more skilled the chef, the better the outcome. Those cool, powerful jutsu? They're like the best, most delicious feasts; only the most skilled chefs can make them."
"Of course the Akimichi would make a food metaphor," Sakura muttered under her breath, nowhere near quietly enough. I allowed the remark to slide though; she wasn't wrong.
"Wait, so if jutsu are like food… I can make chakra-ramen?" Naruto exclaimed. I'd almost forgotten how obsessed he was about the stuff. Then again, if it ain't broke…
"Yes, blondie," I said, nodding genially. "Having masterful chakra control is like being a master ramen chef. Sure, amateurs can make ramen too, but it just doesn't taste the same, right?"
"Right! There's this place called–"
"Ichiraku's, I know. Teuchi's a family friend," I said. He did also serve some snacks on the side and mom owned a bakery. He and Ayame bought cookies from us fairly frequently.
"He's the best ramen chef in the world!"
"Sure, kid. He's the kage of ramen. Chakra control is like being able to make perfect ramen. Get it?"
"Yeah, where do I start? I'm gonna be hokage too!"
"That worked?" I heard Sasuke mumble.
My other two lemmings stared at each other in shock. I didn't blame them. I'd done the impossible after all. I'd motivated Naruto.
Joke's on them though. Naruto wasn't dumb necessarily, no matter how much I mocked him in my mind. He lacked focus and direction, but he had talent and ambition in spades.
What he needed wasn't the adoration of the village. No, what he really needed was someone to speak his language, give him a reason to try in a way he could internalize. And if terrible metaphors about ramen were what got through to him, then so be it.
I explained the exercise to them before excusing myself, leaving behind a shadow clone to oversee their training.
X
"And here we thought you hated kids," Shirobachi said. She had a droning cadence to her voice, almost as if it had been auto-tuned incorrectly.
"Don't tease, sister," Kurobachi reprimanded. "You know how much Mitsu hates this assignment.
"He seemed to do well enough. Brats were damn annoying though."
"He did. You know, Mitsu, you might be better at this than you gave yourself credit for."
"I never said I couldn't teach," I replied. "I said I hate kids. The two aren't mutually exclusive."
My two summons, like the vast majority of bees, were female. They were from the same generation but had vastly different life experiences.
Though they were both in the warrior caste now, they'd risen through the ranks doing different tasks for the hive. Shirobachi used to be a worker who produced wax and built up the hive's architecture while Kurobachi had taken the pollen brought into the hive and converted it into honey. It was only relatively recently that the two had been permitted outside the great hive.
Maybe I was making false associations, but Kurobachi tended to be as sweet and tactful as the honey she used to make. On the other hand, Shirobachi was like a construction worker, crude and blunt even when she meant no offense.
"Come on, enough about the brats. My clone will watch over them," I said. I sat cross-legged on an abandoned log and tapped my thighs. "Let's get to work. I think I'm almost there."
"You know, you'd have more luck in Seihachimori," Kuro pointed out. "Our forest has more nature chakra, and I can get you the good honey that kougou-sama won't let us take out of the forest."
"I know, but I can't really leave. I'll have to try and make what progress I can here."
"Senjutsu training ain't easy, Mitsu," Shiro said. "You're fucking crazy if you think you can gather enough here."
"You can. Hashirama did it."
"Sure, but he had the mokuton. It's a fucking cheat, you know? It basically lets you make spirit wood."
"I do know. But I have you two," I said as I gently grabbed them by their abdomens. I tugged them down to me and sat them on my lap. "I know that gathering nature chakra here would be almost impossible as an amateur, but that's why I'm not doing it alone."
"He's right, sister," Kuro buzzed. "One of us can gather the chakra for him and the other can stabilize it, get him used to the feeling of storing it."
"Yeah, fine, fine," Shiro said. "Let's get this shit started then."
I closed my eyes and took my first step into S-class status.
This was the real reason I wanted to stay in the village. There was no way in hell I'd be able to practice this while taking missions regularly. If I had a choice, I'd have recused myself altogether from active duty for however long it took, but that wasn't an option for a former-ANBU like me.
I could make far more progress in Seihachimori. There, the woods were flooded with nature chakra. The royal jelly consumed by her highness was basically condensed nature chakra. Hell, even the higher-end honey or mead the bees made were filled with it. Bees were gatherers first and foremost, those who cultivated the land in a way that no other species did.
Alas, taking those products out of the hive was a big no-no. They were secrets of the bees after all. Though I had a great relationship with their queen, some things just weren't permissible.
So, baby steps in Konoha it was…
X
Sakura Haruno
"Sensei, I did it," I said, keeping my voice down.
Mitsu-sensei was scary. I didn't doubt he'd make good on the threat to start us on poison tolerance training if we mouthed off too much.
I stood parallel to the ground and waved down at my teammates. Sasuke-kun was as dreamy as always, even when he scowled. That look of intense focus was so hot~
"Oh? Did you now?" sensei hummed. Then, his arm became a blur and I felt something hard crack against my forehead.
"Ow!" I yelped, falling to the ground. Dazed, I looked around to find a pink, jewel-like hard candy. "What was that for?"
"What else? Get back up there. You're not done until you can run and fight on any surface."
"But that wasn't the assignment…"
"Let me guess, you were the smartest one in class, huh?"
"I'm kunoichi of the year," I replied proudly.
"Like fuck that matters. Life isn't a math problem, pinky. Good enough isn't good enough. It doesn't matter that you can walk on walls now. What you really need is to be able to walk on walls, fight, dodge, and launch jutsu at the same time while keeping your team briefed on what you're doing. Then, you'll be good enough. Not great, just good enough."
"But… But I'm tired…"
"So? Are you out of chakra already?"
"W-Well, no…"
With a puff of smoke, three hard candies appeared between each of his fingers. "Then get up there and dodge."
So, dodge I did. It was hard not to be motivated when he threatened to use actual senbon and kunai if he caught me slacking. The hard candies left painful welts on my skin. I was sure I'd look like a red cheetah by the end of training.
Not even chakra exhaustion saved me. He made me pick up one of the candies stuck to the tree trunk and eat it, not even caring that I was on a diet!
It was… It was delicious, cotton candy flavored. It also flooded me with chakra so he could keep chucking candies at me.
I missed Kakashi-sensei…
Author's Note
Have another snippet.
Jumping straight into animal facts, bees change careers throughout their lives. They move from job to job until they become pollen-gatherers during the last few weeks of their lives. This means that even when bees are lost or killed outside, the hive remains generationally stable.
Thank you to everyone who paid for my groceries. I have a Patreon and Kofi with dozens of chapters written across my various stories. If you'd like to read ahead, receive more frequent updates, vote in monthly polls or even commission a chapter directly, check them out.
Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/c/user?u=83024152
Kofi: https://ko-fi.com/fabledwebs