Evil Overlord (Civ Quest)

FixerUpper · Oct 29, 2014

You've had to flee the Seven Shining Swords of Albion, run from assassins of the Dark Academe, and forced to retreat by the combined might of at least five very irate librarians. Nonetheless, against all odds, you have persevered. In the darkest depths of the night you have toiled to bring forth a hideous army that shall allow you to conquer the world!

Or, y'know, part of it. Even a very small part of it. Whatever. After your multitudinous failures, you're not going to be too picky.

First, what are you?

[ ] Dragon

Dragon
You are a dragon. Fire-breathing, scaly, hundred ton monster that can fly. You can wreck armies, end kingdoms, and eat everything in that cute little castle over there.

Benefits:

Dragon: As a dragon, you are naturally among the most powerful of all creatures. You are no puny adventurer: you can engage an army on your own. Begin with +10 martial, or minimum 20, whichever is higher. Living armies have a morale penalty when fighting you directly.
Hoard: You are filthy rich. Start with 1,000,000 gp.
Mythological: Unlike other monsters, people instinctively know what dragons are all about. So long as you keep to the stories – demands for a princess, gold, that sort of thing, people are probably going to send one hero at a time after you. Moderate bonus to diplomacy rolls if you appear to 'follow the story.'
Half-breeds: Oddly enough, once you're down to a more appropriate size, you can breed with anything. You have a cousin who fell in love with a donkey. Nobody talks about her very much anymore - but hey, you're glad she's happy?

Detriments:

Kobolds: In theory, they serve you. In practice, they tend to be pathetic. You stopped egging them on when you realized that they'd never be able to conquer the nearby hamlet, let alone the Kingdom next door. (large penalties to army actions, kobold morale is set at low) Then again, why bother with the damn kobolds? You're rich! You can hire an army.
Thieves: Everyone knows about draconic hordes – thieves of all stripes and inclinations will attempt to take your filthy lucre for themselves.
~~Laziness~~ Hibernation: You need sleep. Lots of sleep. During half the year, you are asleep, and need to trust that your empire can run itself. Or, at the very least, that the guards you've stationed at your lair can keep the damn thieves out.
Time: Your power increases as a function of your age – it is difficult for you to quickly increase your own abilities. Also, it's going to take a while for your descendants to grow old.
Fertility: Dragons aren't, as a rule. There aren't many of you out there. Large minus to dragon-dragon fertility.

[ ] Lich

Lich
A feared raiser of the dead. Well, you raised yourself from the dead anyway, other people are going to have to pay you for the privilege.

Benefits:

Undead constitution: The undead do not need to breathe, most do not need to eat (ghouls and ghasts excepted), - and best of all, the grunts don't even need to be paid! Minimal army upkeep costs.
Maga Nosferatu: Through study and dedication you have managed a feat few others can claim to equal, and your knowledge reflects this. +10 learning, minimum 20 whichever is higher, arcane research takes half as much time.
Phylactery: So long as your soul remains bonded to the relic you chose to house it in, you will come back again… and again… and again - better keep it somewhere safe!
Undead Loyalty: The undead serve you faithfully and without question. Even the sentient undead acknowledge you as their rightful ruler – only a vampire lord of equal standing, or another lich could challenge your dominance, and the odds of that happening are slim. Undead morale is permanently set at fanatic.

Detriments:

Corpse-dependent: While you are willing to accept the living, you find that for the most part they are unwilling to do so. Your empire is thus largely dependent on importing corpses from elsewhere. Worse, until you've found some halfway competent help, you need to raise all those corpses on your own. Good luck!
Dumb as dirt: You lost your first undead army after Torlack the Guillotine tricked your zombies into running off a cliff. You lost your second undead army after some hick named Toby tricked your vampire lieutenant into frying himself and then calmly killed a hundred zombies one by one before getting bored and marching off to find help. Large penalties to army actions without elite units, and you will have to personally carry out all research unless you find help.
No descendants: You're dead. Your empire rises and falls on the basis of you and you alone. Good thing you have that phylactery to fall back on!
Undead bias: Just about everyone instinctively hates you. (large minus on diplomacy rolls involving the living), crusades are a distinct possibility.

[ ] Devil
Devil
A vile tempter and tormentor of people, capable of bringing low a country not through force of arms, but through whispered words. Theoretically, anyway.

Benefits:

Devil's Tongue: Your words could truly be considered a weapon. You've charmed yourself out of a gaol, a baptism, and at least three different wars that were not your fault; more to the point you've charmed yourself into the homes, pantries and souls of both the wealthy and pious. You've had to fleece a few suckers in your time. +10 diplomacy, or start at 20, whichever is higher.
Wealth and Taste: You might not be an overgrown lizard, but that does not mean you do not know the importance of presentation. Begin with a title and household in a major kingdom. +Foreign Relations, +Income
In Sheep's Clothing: Unlike just about any other evil, you can pass for a creature of good. There'd be little point to being a devil if every holier-than-thou shepherd could tell you apart from the sheep after all.
Basic Psychology: You understand what makes people tick, and this counts as much for encouraging your minions as it does for screwing people out of their immortal souls. (easier to raise morale, morale cannot drop more than two steps during a single turn)

Detriments:

Sin-Eater: Look, you're a devil, you understand sin really well, and their big selling point is that they're really fun. So you happen to indulge in the Big Seven, so what? Do you know what food is like in Hell? Increased chance of failing personal actions.
The Lesser Evil: You are not the devil - there's a hierarchy of devils that stand above you, and they're always willing to remind you of your place. If you decide to stop following your marching orders, you'd better be ready to go against the combined might of Hell. (at least one action should be directed towards a mission, if refused it'll provoke retaliation)
Contract Minions: You begin without an empire. Any subjects you gain must be either hired, or subverted. Fortunately, you are very good at tricking people out of their souls, and once they've figured out what they've lost, they tend to agree to some very strict contractual arrangements in order to get them back.
Letter of the Law: You cannot break your word. For you it is literally impossible.

[X] Mad Scientist

Mad Scientist
The great minds of the Arcanum mocked your theories, but you'll show them! You'll show them all! Muhahahahaha!

Benefits:

Genius: You have made breakthroughs that would stun those feeble-minded fools that laughed at your theories. +10 learning, minimum 20 whichever is higher, research and construction takes half as much time.
Artificial Life: You have created life! Sure, it's nothing much to look at now, but give it ten years and ten million gold pieces and you will show them a creature that will rival armies and topple kingdoms. What gods created with flesh and sinew you shall make with brass and steel. (access to golem tech tree)
Mercury Miracles: Through the baleful principles of alchemy you have discovered how to transform of one substance to another. Who needs mines, when you can transform a ton of granite into a ton of basalt? Hm, okay, maybe it needs a little more work. In the future though, you will be able to gloat forever - bwahahahaha! (access to alchemy tech tree)
Harmless kook: Although you do not perceive this as an advantage, no one takes you seriously. Literally no one, not even your hired help. (minor diplomacy penalty, people still regard you as one of their own - what fools!)

Detriments:

Lesser Minds: None can comprehend the greatness of your creations and the vastness of your intellect! Concerned citizens keep on trying to clap you in irons and send you to the madhouse.
Minion Madness: The only person willing to help you is a five year old named Igorina, and she has to be paid in clockwork toys. Also, she's not very good at her job and keeps on criticizing what you do.
Start from scratch: You own a lab. That's... pretty much it.
Morals: What are these strange feelings you keep on experiencing? How is that you are unwilling to perform human experimentation and vivisection for the purpose of advancing SCIENCE? You are a failure as a scientist, a FAILURE!!!

FixerUpper · Oct 29, 2014

Index

Overlord Type
Char Generation
Turn 1, Turn 1 Results
Turn 2,
Jack'a'Napes Adventurers [1][2]
Turn 2 Results

Character
Marcus Tinker

Stats
Diplomacy: 9 - 2 + 1 = 8 You simply do not understand why people do not bow down at the mere sight of your genius. (Slight penalty to diplomacy actions)
Martial: 20 - 2 = 18 Actually, you do lift. (Bonus to army actions, bonus to personal combat rolls)
Stewardship: 2 + 2 + 2 + 2 + 1 = 9 You have fought long and hard to overcome your crippling lack of focus (No effect on stewardship actions)
Intrigue: 13 - 2 + 1 = 12 You jump at shadows. Sadly, they tend to be the wrong shadows. (Minor effect on intrigue action)
Learning: 20 + 4 + 2 = 26 There are some who might claim they are smarter than you. They would be wrong. (Major bonus to research and technology)
Piety: 2 - 2 = 0 If there is to be a god, let us make It with our own hands! (Major divine penalties)

Traits
Blueprint Brilliance: You are good at planning projects, both small and large scale. (+2 stewardship, -10% cost, faster construction)
Crazy Awesome: You never give up, and sometimes that's enough to snatch a victory. (On a natural 1, you fail so hard you actually succeed.)
Learned: You are of a scholarly inclination. (+4 learning, +2 stewardship, -2 martial, -2 intrigue)
Nutty: You do it all in the name of SCIENCE! For some reason, people find this off-putting. (+2 Learning, + 2 Stewardship, -2 Diplomacy, -2 Piety)

Technology
Golems
Clockwork: Golems made of complicated clacking gears, and powered by steam, they are loud, bold, and standard elite soldiers in the armies of, say, Ludansk or faraway Sabheir. For the most part, most armies find living soldiers to be much more cost-effective, even if Clockwork Soldiers are significantly more powerful and so trivial to repair other clockwork golems can manage it on the battlefield. The creation of new types requires prolonged research and study, or reverse-engineering other samples. (Atk ++, Def ++, Speed: ++, Cost: ++, Special: Easily Maintained, Research: Study)

Alchemy
Philosopher's Alchemy: You focused on the classic path of alchemy. As a result, most of your focus on alchemy tends towards Material Conversion.

FixerUpper · Oct 29, 2014

Vote tally:
##### 3.18
[X] Mad Scientist
No. of votes: 27
kinglugia, Carrnage, permeakra, Robotninja, useofstrike32, Carinthium, Thriceboiled, veekie, Hangwind, Manget, inverted_helix, LordPanther14, Eurocorp, Happerry, Darik29, knyght, Sinsystems, Massgamer, wingstrike96, Tel Janin Aman, CircleTheSkies, dwennon, Ysarsid, prince84, Troglodyte, jacobplm, Enjou, Carrnage, permeakra, Robotninja, useofstrike32, Carinthium, Thriceboiled, veekie, Hangwind, Manget, inverted_helix, LordPanther14, Eurocorp, Happerry, Darik29, knyght, Sinsystems, Massgamer, wingstrike96, Tel Janin Aman, CircleTheSkies, dwennon, Ysarsid, prince84, Troglodyte, jacobplm, Enjou

[X] Lich
No. of votes: 24
Nox, Whumbly, King Prussia, Demonic Spoon, Delcer, Ephemeral_Dreamer, bdun140, Magnive, frostgiant, GhostKing 666, drake_azathoth, A Nation's Virtue, Omegahugger, Mazrick, Ct613hulu, Wellhello, Reklaw, Shintouyu, Dutch, Langly, Arcman, exe, Koden, Whumbly, King Prussia, Demonic Spoon, Delcer, Ephemeral_Dreamer, bdun140, Magnive, frostgiant, GhostKing 666, drake_azathoth, A Nation's Virtue, Omegahugger, Mazrick, Ct613hulu, Wellhello, Reklaw, Shintouyu, Dutch, Langly, Arcman, exe, Koden, Drakebane

[x] Devil
No. of votes: 5
paintedspear, Derkan, Karuadin, wdango, Kornet, Derkan, Karuadin, wdango, Kornet

[X] Lich
[X] devil
No. of votes: 1
ebolasos

[x] Dragon
No. of votes: 3
Avalon, Superticus, Thozmp, Superticus, Thozmp]

Hmm, I hope the humorous nature of this quest is clear. You're essentially a send-up of a cartoon villain running around in a fantasy world.

Anyway, like it or not, Mad Scientist has been locked in. Choose your background, tech specialties and traits.

What flavor of evil are you?

[ ] Ham: You adore giving long, rambling speeches, cursing the world that has wronged you, and designing elaborate traps that never seem to kill anyone. Also, your armies are really bad at the whole 'pillage' thing. You're almost certain you saw one of your golems help an old lady cross the street last week. If you seem luckier than most, that is most definitely because of your extraordinary intelligence.

[ ] Vanilla: You're not actually evil, you're just misunderstood! Why does everyone keep picking on you? You just want to help people! Forced to rise to the occasion, you definitely succeeded at being terrible at your new job, largely because you're a sane, rational person and don't actually want to conquer the world, or whatever it is people think you are up to at your lab. That hasn't prevented a flurry of pitchfork wielding nutjobs from trying to truss you up and cart you away!

[ ] Chocolate: You're evil, but only because that's how you were taught at the Orphanage for Villainous Villains and later on at the Dark Academe of Dark and Evyl Magiks (alchemy, assassination, assumptions free of charge!). You don't actually know why you need to kidnap princesses (why not a prince?), or what you should do with them after you've got one. But by golly, you're going to conquer the world and make your teachers proud!

[ ] Nutty: Everything you do is for your love of SCIENCE! Good? Evil? Those are just some terms used by people who have power. You are far beyond such petty, pedestrian concerns. To you, the world is not an oyster but rather a toolbox awaiting a craftsman. Pity, no one else wants to share. Pity for THEM that is! Muhahahahahaha!

[ ] Finger Lickin' Evil: You're evil, but you plan to do so with style. As the old saying goes, there's a world of difference between a villain, and a supervillain. You're menacing, horrifying, but also weirdly entertaining because nothing ever seems to go according to plan and you'll have to stop your world-ending shenanigans to wait for your pet behemoth to get over his sudden case of diarrhea. All this doesn't stop you from being a monster though.

What sort of golems did you study?

[ ] Effigies: Although built out of wood, copper, and occasionally fur, these golems are 'based' on living creatures and oft-resemble their inspirations. The cheapest and easiest to construct, these golems are also by far the most fragile. Still, they are made out of materials far stronger than flesh so 'fragile' is a relative term. Unlike other types of golems, it is possible to create entirely new types simply through the dissection and autopsy of corpses. As such, you can currently create a dragonfly effigy, cat effigy, a dog effigy, a bird effigy, and a horse effigy. (Atk +, Def +, Speed: +++, Cost: +, Special: Looks Alive, Research: Study or Corpses)

[ ] Clockwork: Golems made of complicated clacking gears, and powered by steam, they are loud, bold, and standard elite soldiers in the armies of, say, Ludansk or faraway Sabheir. For the most part, most armies find living soldiers to be much more cost-effective, even if Clockwork Soldiers are significantly more powerful and so trivial to repair other clockwork golems can manage it on the battlefield. At the moment you can create a clockwork soldier, and clockwork tinkerer. The creation of new types requires prolonged research and study, or reverse-engineering other samples. (Atk ++, Def ++, Speed: ++, Cost: ++, Special: Easily Maintained, Research: Study)

[ ] Single Element Golems: Although horrendously expensive, classic golems still exist for a reason. While the high end Mithril and Adamantine golems are capable fending off mages and armies alike, your knowledge extends only to the lowly golem of clay and stone at the moment. Still, the creation of either would be an incredible feat, giving you a minion of extraordinary power. Unfortunately, all classic golems suffer from crippling speed problems which is why they have mostly become obsolete save for defensive purposes. The creation of new types requires prolonged research and study, or the perusal of ancient tomes explaining their make. (Atk: ++++, Def: ++++, Speed: -, Cost: ++++, Special: Magic Immunity, Special: Type-Dependent, Research: Study)

What sort of alchemy did you specialize in?

[ ] Bottle Mage: You are best at creating potions that can be imbibed, or slathered on weapons. As a result, most of your focus on alchemy tends towards Biological Transformation.

[ ] Philosopher's Alchemy: You focused on the classic path of alchemy. As a result, most of your focus on alchemy tends towards Material Conversion.

[ ] Martial Alchemy: You are uninterested in the more subtle complexities of alchemy, focusing instead on how you can use alchemy to make your troops more deadly. As a result, most of your focus on alchemy tends towards either Poison or Fire.

Pick 3 traits:

[ ] Alchemy Master: You have access to the higher mysteries of alchemy. (begin with an additional alchemy specialty, you have access to hybrid alchemy)
-[ ] Discipline 1
-[ ] Discipline 2

[ ] Alchemy Master II: You have a truly rare gift when it comes to alchemy. (begin with all three alchemy specialties, you have access to hybrid alchemy, counts as 2 traits)

[ ] Attractive: You are stunningly attractive. (+3 diplomacy, moderate bonus to persuading people who are attracted to you)

[ ] Blacksmith: You know your way around a forge. (+2 martial, moderate bonus to weapon research)

[ ] Blueprint Brilliance: You are good at planning projects, both small and large scale. (+2 stewardship, -10% cost, faster construction)

[ ] Bohemian: You are surprisingly easy to get along with, and despite themselves people do like you. (+3 diplomacy, minor bonus to morale of intelligent creatures)

[ ] Brave: You are very brave. (+3 martial, bonus to will saves)

[ ] Crazy Awesome: You never give up, and sometimes that's enough to snatch a victory. (On a natural 1, you fail so hard you actually succeed.)

[ ] Draconic Heritage: Somewhere in your ancestry was a dragon. (+3 martial, moderate bonus to persuading dragons not to eat you)

[ ] Golem Genius: You have a facility with building golems. (begin with an additional golem specialty, you may build hybrid golems)
-[ ] Discipline 1
-[ ] Discipline 2

[ ] Golem Genius II: You have a truly rare gift when it comes to golems. (begin with all three golem specialties, you may build hybrid golems, counts as 2 traits)

[ ] Insightful: You are very good at reading people. (+3 intrigue, minor bonus to hiring quality minions)

[ ] Learned: You are of a scholarly inclination. (+4 learning, +2 stewardship, -2 martial, -2 intrigue)

[ ] Organized: You know where things are, and have all your notes neatly filed. (+3 stewardship, minor bonus to income)

[ ] Medic: You trained as a healer at one point. (+3 learning, moderate bonus to health-related research)

[ ] Monkey's Paw: You can choose to auto-succeed at three tasks. (roll 1d100 when using up a wish, upon a critical fail, fail two OTHER tasks, upon the roll of 100, the entire turn gets a critical success)

[ ] Pious: You are surprisingly devout. (+3 piety, moderate bonus to persuading those of the same faith as you)

[ ] Diviner: You know the basics of divination magic. (+2 intrigue, access to 'divination magic')

[ ] Elementalist: You know the basics of elemental magic. (+2 martial, access to 'elemental magic')

[ ] Necromancer: You know the basics of necromancy. (+2 learning, -1 diplomacy, access to 'necromancy')

[ ] Ritualist: You know the basics of ritual magic. (+2 learning, access to 'ritual magic' - a form of magic that is slow, expensive, but dependable.)

[ ] Assassin School: You were trained at the Dark Academe in the arts of assassination. That you later became obsessed with building creatures that have no weakpoints has nothing to do with that, no sirree. (+3 martial, +3 intrigue, assassin contacts, counts as two traits)

[ ] Dark and Evyl Magiks: You were trained at the Dark Academe by the fell sorcerers and horrible archmages in the arts of magi...k. That you later decided to devote yourself to SCIENCE has nothing to do with that, no sirree. (+5 learning, arcane research available, counts as two traits)

[ ] Genius: That to which you apply your mind is easily mastered. (+2 to all stats, counts as two traits)

[ ] Mighty Warrior: You were born with a peculiar sort of muscle that wedded strength with stamina. As a consequence, you are stronger and hardier than your peers. (+5 martial, counts as two traits)

Finally, choose your:

[ ] Name
[ ] Gender

FixerUpper · Oct 31, 2014

Turn One (Vote here: survey)

Year 2714, Month of the Mouse

You live in the sleepy village of Falcon's Hollow.

Well, it's not so much a village as it is an overgrown logging camp. And you suppose 'in' is incorrect: when they built the palisade last winter to keep out the damn fairies from Darkmoon Wood they 'conveniently' forgot to include your ramshackle laboratory, leaving it out in the open like some sort of wood and tin peace offering.

You don't mind though - they might mock you, they spit on you, but for science you have borne insults far worse!

For the past few months, you have been busy at work setting up your laboratory. Supplies have been scavenged, basic parts found, merchants heckled, items 'borrowed'. You have even found the time to create a duo of homunculi, the most basic kind of golem, to help smooth your work. Though they make for poor guardians, they are excellent workers that only suffer from the very occasional bout of clumsiness where they repeatedly bash their heads into the closest wall before exploding.

You've managed to worm yourself a place here: the paper mill requires sulfuric acid to chew through the wood, and with your alchemical brilliance, you've made an extremely cost-effective dosage that has made you one of the richest people in Falcon's Hollow, and forced everyone to tolerate your occasional lapses in social judgment.

And besides, it is a lovely little village.

The unceasing din of saws, the smell of wood pulp, the fragrance of rotting eggs - why, it almost feels like the Academe! You suppose it'll do. At least no one's chased you out of town for the past what - twenty days? You quite like it. Besides, Igorina, your Number One Assistant, has proclaimed this place 'okay, I guess,' and that is as glowing a recommendation as you have ever heard from her.

It is here you shall begin your journey. It is here that the historians of the future shall write that your glorious campaign to conquer the world began!

But first, you should probably deal with breakfast.

State of the Realm

Falcon's Hollow:

Treasury: 10,000 gp (Current Upkeep: 1 gp a month)
Income: 1,000 gp/month
Laboratory: Primitive (no bonuses to construction or research, lab space 5 (enough room for five projects))
Minions: 2 homunculi, Igorina
Falcon's Hollow Reputation: Harmless Kook

Homunculi can perform 'Homunculi Actions' once per month. A d100 will be rolled, upon a critical failure (2-15), they will messily die without completing their task. Upon the roll of a 1, they will cease to be, but successfully carry out their mission in a truly spectacular fashion.

When indicating an action is to be performed by a homunculus, please add a (Homunculus Action) next to the action.

For example:
[ ] Stewardship - Construct Chicken Enclosure would be
[ ] Stewardship - Construct Chicken Enclosure (Homunculus Action)

For now, each turn represents a month of work.

Diplomacy Actions (Choose 1)

[ ] Diplomacy - Pastor Nick
Pastor Nikolas White is always getting on your case. Perhaps you should go speak to the holy man and make him understand that despite him being a man of faith (which you only hold against him a little bit) and you being a man of science (which he obviously cannot hold against you) surely the two of you can find some common ground somewhere. Of course, the last time you tried this, he sort of organized a mob and tried to burn your laboratory to the ground. You do not see what all the fuss was about, you were hungry and they had food just lying there in front of some silly statue.
Chance of success: 20%. Success: Major reputation improvement, Access to Church. Failure: Reputation decrease, reset the 'X days without being chased out of town calendar'.

[ ] Diplomacy - Marshal Lee
Tamika Lee is in charge of the defense of Falcon's Hollow. Overworked, and underpaid she's a hero of the town and juggles multiple duties. You are fairly certain it was her machinations that ensured your lab was not included in the defenses of Falcon's Hollow. Getting on her good side might be quite the boon! Igorina has informed you that telling her that she "looks terrible today" is not a good conversational gambit even if it's true, and that commenting on the inefficiency of organic troops is not the right way to get her to respect your tactical acumen.
Chance of success: 40%. Success: Reputation improves, Access to the Perch. Failure: Reputation decrease, chance of future diplomacy actions with Marshal Lee lowered.

[ ] Diplomacy - The Lumberjacks
The lumberjacks are the workers employed by the Kreed family. The Kreeds, of course, live in the Capital, far to the South, deigning to visit their (comparatively) palatial residence maybe once every few years. The lumberjacks, however, all live here. Although a boisterous bunch, they're not a bad sort: at some point you may have drank one or ten of them under the table even if you don't remember it. Anyway, whether it happened or not they see you as one of their own and call you 'doc'. There's not much to be gained from socializing with them, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't.
Chance of success: 80%. Success: Reputation improves a bit. Failure: Reputation decreases a bit.

[ ] Diplomacy - The Low-Market Merchants
These bastards have been overcharging you from the moment you stepped foot in this town! It's time you put an end to their shenanigans, it's not like you can just snap your fingers and make gold! Well, not yet, anyway. Surely they will see that an investment in you is an investment in SCIENCE!
Chance of success: 50%. Success: Laboratory upkeep decreases. Failure: Reputation drops a bit.

[ ] Diplomacy - The Jack'A'Napes Adventurers
Adventurers regularly go in and out of Falcon's Hollow, seeking their fortune in the Wolfrun Hills to the South, or past the Darkmoon Forest to the North to Drokmar's Crag. It might be worth your while to go talk to a few of them down at the Jack'A'Napes Inn.
Chance of success: 60%. Success: ???. Failure: ???.

[ ] Diplomacy - The Fairies of the Forest
They really don't like people, and you're not sure why. Might as well ask them: it's not like they could hate SCIENCE, right? After all, it's rumored that they live in the dwarf ruins hidden in the forest, and before the great Dwarven Schism they were the most technologically advanced race on the planet. You'll just pull out a chair and wait for them to come out, they always seem to try and play their tricks after sunset.
Chance of success: 30%, Success: Reputation with fairies improves, ??? Failure: Relations changed from unfriendly to hostile.

[ ] Diplomacy - Guard One
You don't talk to the guards much, but you do see them quite often. You've named this specimen Guard One. He's truly very short and stout. You suspect him to be - gasp! - a dwarf. Perhaps you should talk to him.
Chance of success: 60%, Success: Opinion of Marshall Lee improves, Failure: No change.

[ ] Diplomacy - Guard Two
You don't talk to the guards much, but you do see them quite often. You've named this specimen Guard Two. The left side of his face is handsome. So is the right. They just happen to belong to different people. What's up with that, anyway? You've kind of wanted to ask, but Igorina keeps on telling you that's a bad idea. Still, you are so curious. Maybe you shall start by - what's that thing people do when they want to talk to each other? Intro... introductions?
Chance of success: 50%, Success: You figure out what the deal is with Guard Two. Hopefully it won't involve his entire life story, just the explanation for his face. Failure: Guard One has to stop Guard Two from trying to split you open.

[ ] Diplomacy - Igorina
Despite her startlingly positive description of Falcon's Hollow, your number one assistant has been looking less than chipper recently. Perhaps you should spend some more time with her and try to cheer her up!
Chance of success: 90%, Success: Igorina morale rises 1 rank. Failure: No change.

Martial Actions (Choose 1)

[ ] Martial - Survey Wolfrun Hills
The Wolfrun Hills to the South attract all sorts of adventurers. Apparently there are some ancient tombs down there ripe for the picking. You might not have a golem army to back you up, but you could certainly go take a peek at some of those ancient sites.
Chance of success: 80%. Success: Survey of Wolfrun Hills. Failure: Go Spelunking.

[ ] Martial - Go Spelunking
The Wolfrun Hills are honeycombed with tombs. If you venture into one by accident or by choice, be prepared to face all manner of beastly ghasts and ghouls. Still, given your strength, there's a pretty good chance you'll survive.
Chance of success: 75%. Success: Survival, ???. Failure: Uh-oh!, ???

[ ] Martial - Hunt wolves at Wolfrun Hills
There's a reason they're called Wolfrun Hills. There are bounties on every wolf killed, not to mention money to be made from the wolf pelts. Supposedly, there's a huge dire wolf hanging around there, but most have dismissed it as a rumor.
Chance of success: 75%. Success: Wolf pelts, Reputation Increase, 1d6*25 gp. Failure: ???

[ ] Martial - Survey of Darkmoon Vale
You really do want to find those dwarven ruins rumored to exist in Darkmoon Wood. Although the only confirmed ruins are at Drokar's Crag to the North, you would adore the chance to go sight-seeing in one of the ruins. Of course, assuming they're there.
Chance of success: 60%. Success: Survey of Darkmoon Vale, ???, Failure: Nothing.

[ ] Martial - Go Hunting in Darkmoon Vale
You'd really like some meat to eat. You're sure Igorina would like some too. You haven't gone hunting for a while, but if you could do it as a boy, you can do it now.
Chance of success: 75%, Success: Meat to eat, reputation improves, random animal carcass Failure: Nothing.

[ ] Ugh! Fairies!
You have had it with those fairies trying to muck up your experiments. It's time that you captured one and interrogated it for the benefit of SCIENCE!
Chance of success: 85%. Success: Captured fairy, Relations with fairies decrease to Hostile, Failure: Relations with fairies decrease to hostile.

Stewardship Actions (Choose 2 + 2 Homunculus Actions)

[ ] Stewardship - Improve Laboratory I
Your laboratory is very primitive. You'd have to spend a non-trivial amount to turn it into something halfway decent, but if that is the price of SCIENCE! so be it. Cannot be performed by a homunculus.
Cost: 450 gp. Success: Decent laboratory. (minor boost to research and technology rolls, minor boost to construction rolls if carried out in the lab, lab space increases by 5)

[ ] Stewardship - Improve Organization
Your notes, your files, even if you tell Igorina that you know what you're doing they're still a mess! Improve it and improve yourself! Cannot be performed by a homunculus.
Chance of success: 90%. Success: +1 Stewardship.

[ ] Stewardship - Construct Chicken Enclosure
Igorina is of the opinion that you should start farming chickens. You're not sure you see the point, what with the Low Market having chickens with the appropriate number of feet and wings (two eyes, three eyes, what's the difference?) but you suppose it could save some money in the long run. Can be performed by a homunculus.
Cost: 4 gp. Success: You now have ~~lab animals~~ chickens! Igorina morale raised by 1 rank.

[ ] Stewardship - Construct Vegetable Garden
Having to buy food from the Low Market is a preposterous amount of work. How difficult can a gardening be? You are all but certain your homunculi are up to the task once you have set up an appropriate enclosure. Besides, it's not like creating fertilizer is a very hard task for you. Your studies of alchemy have brought you far beyond the mere creation of ammonia. Can be performed by a homunculus.
Cost: 4 gp. Success: You now own a vegetable garden! One additional personal action per turn. Must be staffed by a homunculus.

[ ] Stewardship - Construct Homunculus
You already have two, but having another can't hurt. They're thankfully very cheap for what is essentially a servant made of brass and iron. Can be performed by a homunculus.
Cost: 90 gp. Success: You now own an additional homunculus!

[ ] Stewardship - Construct Basic Clockwork Soldier
Create a basic clockwork soldier. You've cut costs and corners as low as they will go. It's a little fragile compared to a true clockwork soldier, but you're sure that in a fight it'll do better than your average barroom brawler. Pity you could easily purchase the services of a thousand of them with the money you're putting into your Clockwork minion. Can be performed by a homunculus.
Cost: 450 gp. Success: You now own one Basic Clockwork Soldier! Upkeep: 1 gp/month

[ ] Stewardship - Construct Clockwork Soldier
Create a clockwork soldier. The standard clockwork soldier, it can outfight just about any flesh and blood creature that isn't some flavor of hero or monster. Loud, but dependable, its utility on the battlefield is unmatched in this day and age. Pity it has no initiative of its own or it'd truly be the perfect soldier. With a dozen of these you could easily take over Falcon's Hollow by force. Can be performed by a homunculus.
Cost: 3,600 gp. Success: You now own one Clockwork Soldier! 4 gp upkeep per month.

[ ] Stewardship - Construct Basic Clockwork Tinkerer
Create a basic clockwork tinkerer. You've cut costs and corners as low as they will go. It's a little fragile compared to a true clockwork tinkerer, but it's a lot hardier than your average flesh-and-bone artificer. Pity you could easily purchase the services of a hundred of them with the money you're putting into your Clockwork minion. Can be performed by a homunculus.
Cost: 450 gp. Success: You now own one Basic Clockwork Tinkerer! 1 gp upkeep per month.

[ ] Stewardship - Construct Clockwork Tinkerer
Create a clockwork tinkerer. The standard clockwork tinkerer, it is rugged, durable and meant to keep a unit of clockwork soldiers operational for as long as possible. Although its martial abilities are limited, it is impossible for a squad of clockwork soldiers to move for long periods without them. Can be performed by homunculus.
Cost: 1800 gp. Success: You now own one Clockwork Tinkerer! 2 gp upkeep per month.

Intrigue (Choose 1)

[ ] Intrigue - Create Basic Cipher
Your notes might be disorganized, by they're written in plain common. It'd be best if you started on writing a cipher of some sort so that your secrets cannot be trivially stolen.
Success: +1 Intrigue.

[ ] Intrigue - Slight Poison Resistance
To your shame you have not yet started a regimen of basic poison resistance by means of ingesting a tiny, non-lethal dose of poison at a time to get yourself acclimated to a variety of deadly toxins.
Cost: 50 gp. Success: +1 Intrigue in 12 turns.

[ ] Intrigue - The Secrets of Darkwood
Although you hesitate to admit it, there might be some things that you are less familiar with than some of the people here. You could simply try to research darkwood on your own, but it would be significantly faster if you pumped that information out of someone in the know. The trick, of course, is finding those secrets without alerting others that you are in the market for them.
Chance of success: 50%. Success: Find the botanist. Failure: Do not find the botanist. Higher chance of success next time.

[ ] Intrigue - Capture a fairy
Fairies have been wandering around the place. It's time you captured one to interrogate... secretly.
Chance of success: 30%. Success: Secretly capture a fairy. Failure: Relations with fairies descends to hostile.

Learning Actions (Choose 2)

[ ] Learning - Construct Dependable Homunculi
Homunculi are the backbone of your production, but they have an awful tendency to simply stop working. Although common wisdom has it that the homunculus design has become as advanced as it can possibly be - what with the barbaric wizards of the past using their own blood to animate the damn things as opposed to a more practical and less dangerous reagent like the soul of a housecat - you are sure you can create a homunculus that is much less prone to destroying itself and wasting its precious life. After all, one of your teachers had homunculi that never exploded, you merely need to extrapolate from what you saw.
Cost: 200 gp. Chance of success: 60% Success: Create an advanced homunculus (chance of failure on a roll of 2-4, instead of 2-15). Failure: Higher chance next time, recover half the cost.

[ ] Learning - Construct Clockwork Pikeman
You've noticed that the defenders of Falcon's Hollow carry pikes more often than they carry swords. Now that you think about it, it's a good idea: swords are expensive and difficult to master, most clockwork soldiers can only use about a quarter of their potential, handling them more like sticks than true swords. A pikeman could be more effective than a clockwork soldier while also being cheaper. Given that it'd be essentially the same clockwork soldier, it shouldn't be too hard to make the appropriate modifications.
Cost: 4,000 gp. Chance of success: 80%. Success: Create a clockwork pikeman. Create blueprints of clockwork pikeman, and basic clockwork pikeman. Failure: Create clockwork soldier, greater chance of success during next attempt.

[ ] Learning - Construct Clockwork Archer
You are all too aware of the importance of long-range support when it comes to battles. Of course, archery is far more difficult than close range combat, making the creation of a clockwork archer a difficult proposition. You're sure that the solution to this dilemma lies within the folds of your brilliant, brilliant brain.
Time: 3 turns. Cost: 4,000 gp. Chance of success: 70%. Success: Create clockwork archer. Create blueprints for basic clockwork archer and clockwork archer. Failure: Delay by a turn. Critical Failure: Project scrapped, recover half cost, project re-started with higher chance of success.

[ ] Learning - Research Ironwood
The darkwood of the forest is already very strong. Unfortunately, the combination of moisture produced by the clockwork golem's steam engine, and the friction produced by the numerous gears will inevitably cause any clockwork darkwood golem to rot from the inside out. If you could alchemically treat the darkwood such that this does not become a problem you are sure that you could cut costs across the board, as well as ensure a steady supply of materials from which to construct your golem army. Although golems made from Ironwood might be a little more fragile, they'll also be a little more agile.
Time: 3 turns. Cost: 1,000 gp. Chance of success: 50%. Success: Obtain the secret to Ironwood. Failure: Delay by a turn. Critical failure: Delay by two turns. Three critical failures and the project must be re-started from scratch with a higher chance of success.

[ ] Learning - Construct Fairy Trap
You're tired of fairies wandering around your premises. Time to construct a basic trap for the damn pests.
Cost: 25 gp. Chance of success: 80%. Success: Create a trap for fairies, relations descend to hostile. Failure: Recover half cost.

[ ] Learning - Construct Secret Fairy Trap
You're tired of fairies wandering around your premises. Time to construct a trap that will let you secretly capture them for interrogation.
Cost: 50 gp. Chance of success: 50%. Success: Create a secret trap for fairies.

[ ] Learning - Research Cheaper Sulfuric Acid
Your monopoly on the sulfuric acid production of the vale gives you both leverage and money. You're sure you could make an even cheaper way to make sulfuric acid though, boosting your profit margin by a not inconsiderable amount.
Time: 3 turns. Cost: 1,500 gp. Chance of success: 60%. Success: Cheaper sulfuric acid, income increased to 1,500 gp a month. Failure: Delay by a turn. Critical Failure: Project scrapped with a higher chance of success next time.

[ ] Learning - Research Odorless Sulfuric Acid
Sulfuric acid smells like smells like rotten eggs. For some reasons, others find this off-putting. You are pretty sure you could create an odorless version. Well, technically it's not sulfuric acid anymore, but this is what you're calling it.
Time: 3 turns. Cost: 1,500 gp. Chance of success: 70%. Success: Odorless Sulfuric Acid, Major Increase in reputation. Failure: Project delayed by a turn. Critical failure: Project scrapped, re-start with a higher chance of success next time.

[ ] Learning - Research Perfume
Sulfuric acid smells like rotten eggs. For some reason, others find this off-putting. You are pretty sure you could create a perfume you could sell to the low market merchants that people... might flock to buy? You're not sure, the lumberjacks aren't exactly the most hygienic of folk at the best of time and they're like 80% of the people here.
Cost: 50 gp. Chance of success: 90%. Success: Create perfume. Failure: smell like rosewater for a month.

Personal Actions

Since when do you have time for personal actions? You've got a world to conquer! Get to it, Marcus!

FixerUpper · Nov 1, 2014

Turn One Results

State of the Realm

Falcon's Hollow:

Treasury: 10,291 gp (Current Upkeep: 1 gp a month)
Income: 1,000 gp/month
Laboratory: Decent (minor bonuses to construction or research, lab space 10 (enough room for ten projects))
Minions: 2 homunculi, 1 advanced homunculus, Igorina
Falcon's Hollow Reputation: Harmless Kook (55/100 to Helpful Kook)

Homunculi can perform 'Homunculi Actions' once per month. A d100 will be rolled, upon a critical failure (2-15), they will messily die without completing their task. Upon the roll of a 1, they will cease to be, but successfully carry out their mission in a truly spectacular fashion.

Events
(Roll: 12)

The wolves of Wolfrun Hills have started getting increasingly aggressive. Although Falcon's Hollow hasn't experienced any attacks - likely because of the noxious smells, constant noise, and presence of a large number of people - smaller villages have been less lucky, reporting wildlife slaughtered and eaten in the barn, babies stolen from cribs to be raised in the woods, sheepskins being worn as disguises, and little girls cutting their way out of wolf stomachs after being swallowed whole. You let Igorina carry a knife as that is only sensible, but inform her that she will likely be chewed up and digested before being able to utilize it in such a fashion so it would be much better to trip that Heimsworth boy, and run while he's being eaten heroically. Igorina solemnly nods.

Rumors have it that a one-eyed dire wolf, a monster twice as large as a horse, is now leading the packs. While no doubt exaggerated, you feel that any future expeditions to Wolfrun Hills will be far more dangerous than before.

Diplomacy

The Lumberjacks
The lumberjacks are the workers employed by the Kreed family. The Kreeds, of course, live in the Capital, far to the South, deigning to visit their (comparatively) palatial residence maybe once every few years. The lumberjacks, however, all live here. Although a boisterous bunch, they're not a bad sort: at some point you may have drank one or ten of them under the table even if you don't remember it. Anyway, whether it happened or not they see you as one of their own and call you 'doc'. There's not much to be gained from socializing with them, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't.
Chance of success: 80%. Success: Reputation improves a bit. Failure: Reputation decreases a bit.

Roll: Success! (64)

You begin the month trying to make inroads with the only people who actually tolerate you, the lumberjacks. Given that they like you, this isn't very hard. You give them beer. They give you cheers. It is a sadly predictable form of social interaction.

Of course, with a little bit of alcohol to lubricate things, you have to admit, it's not a terrible idea. They're all great guys, righ?

"Yeah, doc!"

Yah, they're great. Guh-rate.

Buncha fhurst-rate pipple.

Zzzzzzz

Result: Reputation improves a little

Martial

Martial - Go Hunting in Darkmoon Vale
You'd really like some meat to eat. You're sure Igorina would like some too. You haven't gone hunting for a while, but if you could do it as a boy, you can do it now.
Chance of success: 75%, Success: Meat to eat, reputation improves, random animal carcass Failure: Nothing.

Roll: Critical success! (99)

You want pork.

It's not a very practical thought, but the upsides of bacon are myriad and useful and dammit, you shall have bacon! It's not too hard to make either, find a pig, kill a pig, smoke and salt the meat - mmm, it'll be beautiful. You can already taste it, the fat sizzling as you dump it in the pan, accompanying your eggs and your vegetables.

With those thoughts in your head, you put your personal projects on hold and head out, equipped with nothing more than a spare hammer from the forge, rope, pulleys, and a Cheliax Boomshootah 3000! The CB-3000 is actually just a modified crossbow, but you like giving things that you make ~~fancy~~ distinguished names, so CB-3000 it is.

Igorina wants to know why you don't want to just buy a pig, it's not like you lack money.

Sometimes, a man has got to go out into the wild and slaughter an animal. It's perfectly understandable behavior.

It doesn't take long for you to get your forest legs back under you. During your misspent youth, you traveled extensively: although you'd hesitate to enter the depths of the Darkwood, the outskirts are familiar territory. Most forests are different in small ways, but their similarities outweigh their differences. A boar's trail looks pretty much like a boar's trail no matter the situation.

You stalk your prey through the long grass, past the warrens of groundhogs. You lose a knife or three trying to unsuccessfully bag a rabbit, but then - as if placed there by some sort of benevolent, invisible hand you spot a boar. It's a young adult, sharpening its tusk against a tree. You slowly unsheathe your last knife-

When a gigantic spider, at least four Igorinas tall, drops down from above, snatching it up in its gigantic forelimbs. The boar shrieks shrilly as the two zip away into the upper canopy.

Anyone else might have been intimidated, but that's because anyone else didn't want that bacon bad enough.

You really want that bacon.

You drop the knife, whip out your CB-3000 fire - and, miraculously, hit the strand of webbing connecting the spider to the tree. The webbing snaps. It scrabbles desperately in the air before crashing down to the ground with a massive thump, stunned, dropping its prey. The boar died instantly, its neck broken. The spider - well, you approach and carefully hack it wildly for a few minutes, covering yourself in spider guts and ichor.

It's only after you've thought to inspect the body, that you notice an extra growth at the back. Wrapped carefully in webbing, and attached to its anterior segment are... eggs? Although it's very illegal to do so, you carefully collect five of the grapefruit sized eggs, placing them in your pack.

When you get back to town, word gets around that you killed a Giant Tree Spider. This may or may not have had something to do with you plopping its head on the ground in the town square and then very loudly and publicly moving the carcass to your house.

Result: Boar carcass, Giant Spider Carcass, Reputation Improves, giant spider eggs (5)

Stewardship Actions

Improve Laboratory I
Your laboratory is very primitive. You'd have to spend a non-trivial amount to turn it into something halfway decent, but if that is the price of SCIENCE! so be it. Cannot be performed by a homunculus.
Cost: 450 gp. Success: Decent laboratory. (minor boost to research and technology rolls, minor boost to construction rolls if carried out in the lab, lab space increases by 5)

Improving a laboratory is usually a long, laborious undertaking. Dangerous reagents must be properly stored, old chemicals thrown out, biological hazards removed, old projects carefully disassembled.

Good thing that you've got almost none of that to do here! Your sulfuric acid production is pretty much automated, your homunculi are busy at work on projects outside... yes, this is the time to make your laboratory better than sub-standard. Besides an on-going homunculus improvement project which you could quite literally do in a hole in the ground, there's not much you need to worry about.

You put in new walls, you add actual floors, a bench, and proper tools.

It's truly shaping up to be a real laboratory now.

Result: Laboratory quality increased to Decent

Improve Organization
Your notes, your files, even if you tell Igorina that you know what you're doing they're still a mess! Improve it and improve yourself! Cannot be performed by a homunculus.
Chance of success: 90%. Success: +1 Stewardship.

Roll: Success! (19)

All your papers are now in one location. You have informed Igorina that this is what is known as 'progress.'

She still wants you to use drawers like everyone else.

Result: +1 stewardship.

Homunculus Actions

Construct Chicken Enclosure
Igorina is of the opinion that you should start farming chickens. You're not sure you see the point, what with the Low Market having chickens with the appropriate number of feet and wings (two eyes, three eyes, what's the difference?) but you suppose it could save some money in the long run. Can be performed by a homunculus.
Cost: 4 gp. Success: You now have ~~lab animals~~ chickens! Igorina morale raised by 1 rank.

Roll: Critical Success! (95)

When you emerged from your shiny new laboratory, you discover that you have been outdone... by a tiny little metal man.

Alpha has gone above and beyond the call of duty. Also, above and beyond his budget. Where did he get all of this stuff? You sure as heck didn't buy it for him.

You gave your homunculus orders to build a chicken enclosure. All you expected it to require was a patch of ground, some wire netting, and maybe a roof. Simple enough that even a monkey could do it. Instead, Alpha managed to somehow construct a barn. That's usually the work of two or three families over the course of a month. Even if everything is a little bit ramshackle, and the dimensions not quite right, one wall nearly parallel to the ground instead of perpendicular, it's definitely a barn. There's a fresh coat of paint on the exterior walls, and even if it's an eye-searing puke green color, surely it's the thought that counts.

Igorina is, predictably, ecstatic.

"Pa! You remembered my birthday!" she squeals, giving you a hug. Before you can awkwardly extricate yourself from her embrace, and lecture her on the importance of professionalism she goes to coo over all the little yellow fluffballs. Of course Alpha managed to procure chickens for the chicken enclosure. Of course. You're surprised there aren't any bigger animals in -

Is that a kid?!

(The baby goat kind, not yours)

For an expressionless metal man made of brass and wood Alpha looks exceedingly smug.

"I would have remembered eventually," you mutter.

Result: Barn constructed, chickens obtained, 1 junvenile goat obtained, Igorina morale improves from morose to chipper.

Construct Vegetable Garden
Having to buy food from the Low Market is a preposterous amount of work. How difficult can a gardening be? You are all but certain your homunculi are up to the task once you have set up an appropriate enclosure. Besides, it's not like creating fertilizer is a very hard task for you. Your studies of alchemy have brought you far beyond the mere creation of ammonia. Can be performed by a homunculus.
Cost: 4 gp. Success: You now own a vegetable garden! One additional personal action per turn. Must be staffed by a homunculus.

Roll: Success! (22)

Beta is much more your speed, and honestly a much more bearable fellow then Alpha. The plot of land that you specified is the exact dimensions of the plot of land that was dug up, weeded, fertilized, and planted. Of course, you don't have a harvest yet, but you foresee a lot of potatoes in your future diet.

Result: Vegetable garden created.

Intrigue

Intrigue - Create Basic Cipher
Your notes might be disorganized, by they're written in plain common. It'd be best if you started on writing a cipher of some sort so that your secrets cannot be trivially stolen.
Success: +1 Intrigue.

You write your notes in a simple substitution cipher. To make it a little less trivial to break, you use dwarvish runes in the place of common characters, then switch those around, but it's still rather primitive.

Nonetheless, it's something.

Result: +1 Intrigue

Learning Actions (Choose 2)

Construct Dependable Homunculi
Homunculi are the backbone of your production, but they have an awful tendency to simply stop working. Although common wisdom has it that the homunculus design has become as advanced as it can possibly be - what with the barbaric wizards of the past using their own blood to animate the damn things as opposed to a more practical and less dangerous reagent like the soul of a housecat - you are sure you can create a homunculus that is much less prone to destroying itself and wasting its precious life. After all, one of your teachers had homunculi that never exploded, you merely need to extrapolate from what you saw.
Cost: 200 gp. Chance of success: 60% Success: Create an advanced homunculus (chance of failure on a roll of 2-4, instead of 2-15). Failure: Higher chance next time, recover half the cost.

Roll: Success! (94)

Muhahahaha! You are truly a genius! A project that might have taken another man a year, took you a month! And now, Gamma Prime lives! He looks more alert, more intelligent than his peers. You're not entirely sure why, you didn't do anything differently except substitute the bonding of a housecat soul to the homunculus body for that of a tree.

Making the advanced homunculus has given you some ideas too. With the memory of the giant spider fresh in your mind, you're sure that you could create a different chassis. One with a series of clicking mechanical legs. It's not vital to create it, but homunculi are the simplest of golems. Generally, if you want to create a new clockwork golem, it's best to make a homunculus mock-up first. You can just imagine what sort of terror a gigantic clockwork spider will wreck upon those fools at the Academe.

You'll think about it next month.

Result: Creation of advanced homunculus, blueprints for advanced homunculus

Research Perfume
Sulfuric acid smells like rotten eggs. For some reason, others find this off-putting. You are pretty sure you could create a perfume you could sell to the low market merchants that people... might flock to buy? You're not sure, the lumberjacks aren't exactly the most hygienic of folk at the best of time and they're like 80% of the people here.
Cost: 50 gp. Chance of success: 90%. Success: Create perfume. Failure: smell like rosewater for a month.

Roll: Success! (20)

You have created perfume. It makes you smell like roses, despite the active ingredient being one of the byproducts of sulfuric acid production. You're sure the itching will go away. Eventually. While Igorina is quite taken by it despite your explicit instructions not to utilize it, you are not entirely sure how to proceed. How much would people pay for the blasted stuff? You'll have to figure out a way to market it, or sell it. But that's a task for next month...

Result: Perfume created.

----------------------------------------

GM's Notes: The heck, out of eight rolls, you nearly had 3 critical successes. o_o

FixerUpper · Nov 2, 2014

Turn Two (Survey)

Year 2714, Month of the Mantis

You weren't chased out of town at all last month. You have now officially surpassed your old record!

Igorina's happier too, cooing over her little barnyard animals, and occasionally helping Beta with the garden. It is not the most efficient use of her time, but who are you to criticize her experimental method? She will grow older and notice that such tasks should always be relegated to the manufactured help, but oh well. You suppose you shall let her be for now.

Your little plot of land has expanded: it less resembles a laboratory than it does a small family farm.

Although you spotted a few of them, you weren't bothered by fairies at all last month. You highly suspect that they were a bit intimidated by all the construction work going on. If you recall your lore correctly they are scared of 'cold iron,' not that you are entirely certain what the difference temperature makes when it comes to the properties of a specific metal. Perhaps it refers to a particular sort of iron? In any case, they didn't approach and you are quite happy with that state of affairs, thank you. You might even shelve your 'capture and interrogate' fairy plan if this keeps up.

Unfortunately, the Wolfrun Hills have become much more dangerous recently. Wolfrun is literally overrun with the damn pests, and although they haven't attacked Falcon's Hollow yet, Pastor Nick claims it'll only be a matter of time. How he knows this, he did not deign to share with lesser mortals, but you are slightly worried given that you live on the outside of the defensive perimeter.

Maybe you'll do something about it this month.

State of the Realm

Falcon's Hollow:

Treasury: 10,291 gp (Current Upkeep: 1 gp a month)
Income: 1,000 gp/month
Laboratory: Decent (minor bonuses to construction and research, lab space 10 (enough room for ten projects))
Minions: 2 homunculi, 1 advanced homunculus, Igorina
Falcon's Hollow Reputation: Harmless Kook (55/100)

Homunculi can perform 'Homunculi Actions' once per month. A d100 will be rolled, upon a critical failure (2-15), they will messily die without completing their task. Upon the roll of a 1, they will cease to be, but successfully carry out their mission in a truly spectacular fashion.

For now, each turn represents a month of work.

Diplomacy Actions (Choose 1)

Diplomacy - Perfume (free samples)
You realize you are bad at talking. Still, even a merchant cannot say no to FREE samples, right? Unfortunately, this will probably hit you in the pocketbook because the merchants will expect your wares to be extremely inexpensive.
Chance of success: 80%. Success: +1d6*10gp in additional income starting next month. Failure: Reputation drops a bit.

Diplomacy - Perfume (reasonable prices)
You realize you are bad at talking. Still, you want to be paid for your work. Perfume is perfume, right? Surely these merchants will take it. You just need to let them take a whiff.
Chance of success: 60%. Success: +1d10*10gp in additional income. Failure: Reputation drops a bit.

Diplomacy - The Jack'A'Napes Adventurers
With the recent surge of wolf attacks, adventurers have become more numerous, as well as more chatty. It might be worth your while to go talk to a few of them down at the Jack'A'Napes Inn.
Chance of success: 80%. Success: ???. Failure: ???.

Diplomacy - Pastor Nick
Pastor Nikolas White is always getting on your case. Perhaps you should go speak to the holy man and make him understand that despite him being a man of faith (which you only hold against him a little bit) and you being a man of science (which he obviously cannot hold against you) surely the two of you can find some common ground somewhere. Of course, the last time you tried this, he sort of organized a mob and tried to burn your laboratory to the ground. You do not see what all the fuss was about, you were hungry and they had food just lying there in front of some silly statue.
Chance of success: 20%. Success: Major reputation improvement, Access to Church. Failure: Reputation decrease, reset the 'X days without being chased out of town calendar'.

Diplomacy - Marshal Lee
Tamika Lee is in charge of the defense of Falcon's Hollow. Overworked, and underpaid she's a hero of the town and juggles multiple duties. You are fairly certain it was her machinations that ensured your lab was not included in the defenses of Falcon's Hollow. Getting on her good side might be quite the boon! Igorina has informed you that telling her that she "looks terrible today" is not a good conversational gambit even if it's true, and that commenting on the inefficiency of organic troops is not the right way to get her to respect your tactical acumen.
Chance of success: 40%. Success: Reputation improves, Access to the Perch. Failure: Reputation decrease, chance of future diplomacy actions with Marshal Lee lowered.

Diplomacy - The Lumberjacks
The lumberjacks are the workers employed by the Kreed family. The Kreeds, of course, live in the Capital, far to the South, deigning to visit their (comparatively) palatial residence maybe once every few years. The lumberjacks, however, all live here. Although a boisterous bunch, they're not a bad sort: at some point you may have drank one or ten of them under the table even if you don't remember it. Anyway, whether it happened or not they see you as one of their own and call you 'doc'. There's not much to be gained from socializing with them, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't.
Chance of success: 80%. Success: Reputation improves a bit. Failure: Reputation decreases a bit.

Diplomacy - The Low-Market Merchants
These bastards have been overcharging you from the moment you stepped foot in this town! It's time you put an end to their shenanigans, it's not like you can just snap your fingers and make gold! Well, not yet, anyway. Surely they will see that an investment in you is an investment in SCIENCE!
Chance of success: 50%. Success: Laboratory upkeep decreases. Failure: Reputation drops a bit.

Diplomacy - The Fairies of the Forest
They really don't like people, and you're not sure why. Might as well ask them: it's not like they could hate SCIENCE, right? After all, it's rumored that they live in the dwarf ruins hidden in the forest, and before the great Dwarven Schism they were the most technologically advanced race on the planet. You'll just pull out a chair and wait for them to come out, they always seem to try and play their tricks after sunset.
Chance of success: 30%, Success: Reputation with fairies improves, ??? Failure: Relations changed from unfriendly to hostile.

Diplomacy - Guard One
You don't talk to the guards much, but you do see them quite often. You've named this specimen Guard One. He's truly very short and stout. You suspect him to be - gasp! - a dwarf. Perhaps you should talk to him.
Chance of success: 60%, Success: Opinion of Marshall Lee improves, Failure: No change.

Diplomacy - Guard Two
You don't talk to the guards much, but you do see them quite often. You've named this specimen Guard Two. The left side of his face is handsome. So is the right. They just happen to belong to different people. What's up with that, anyway? You've kind of wanted to ask, but Igorina keeps on telling you that's a bad idea. Still, you are so curious. Maybe you shall start by - what's that thing people do when they want to talk to each other? Intro... introductions?
Chance of success: 50%, Success: You figure out what the deal is with Guard Two. Hopefully it won't involve his entire life story, just the explanation for his face. Failure: Guard One has to stop Guard Two from trying to split you open.

Martial Actions (Choose 1)

Martial - Survey Wolfrun Hills
The Wolfrun Hills are now overrun by wolves. Still, there are apparently some ancient tombs down there ripe for the picking. You might not have a golem army to back you up, but you could certainly go take a peek at some of those ancient sites.
Chance of success: 50%. Success: Survey of Wolfrun Hills. Failure: Go Hunt Wolves at Wolfran Hill

Martial - Go Spelunking
The Wolfrun Hills are honeycombed with tombs. If you venture into one by accident or by choice, be prepared to face all manner of beastly ghasts and ghouls. Still, given your strength, there's a pretty good chance you'll survive. Unfortunately, you probably won't survive the wolves that'll attack you if they smell your blood.
Chance of success: 35%. Success: Survival, ???. Failure: Uh-oh!, ???

Martial - Hunt wolves at Wolfrun Hills
Now that wolves have come out in force, hunting them down is extremely dangerous. Although the bounty on every wolf killed has increased, after the last four parties were sent out and disappeared without a word, people have stopped trying. There have been repeated sightings of a huge dire wolf hanging around there. Rumors have it that it is anything from a minor deity, to a spellforged abomination, to a restless ghost.
Chance of success: 25%. Success: Wolf pelts, Major Reputation Increase, 1d6*75 gp. Failure: ???

Martial - Survey of Darkmoon Vale
You really do want to find those dwarven ruins rumored to exist in Darkmoon Wood. Although the only confirmed ruins are at Drokar's Crag to the North, you would adore the chance to go sight-seeing in one of the ruins. Of course, assuming they're there.
Chance of success: 60%. Success: Survey of Darkmoon Vale, ???, Failure: Nothing.

Martial - Go Hunting Giant Spiders in Darkmoon Vale
After the success of last month, you don't mind going out to go hunting again. You don't crave meat this time though. Besides, an additional giant spider carcass might yield additional secrets.
Chance of success: 60%, Success: Reputation improves, additional giant spider carcass. Failure: Light injuries, ???

Ugh! Fairies!
You have had it with those fairies trying to muck up your experiments. It's time that you captured one and interrogated it for the benefit of SCIENCE!
Chance of success: 85%. Success: Captured fairy, Relations with fairies decrease to Hostile, Failure: Relations with fairies decrease to hostile.

Stewardship Actions

Stewardship - Improve Laboratory II
Your laboratory is decent, but not great. You'd have to spend a hefty amount, to turn it into something truly decent, but if that is the price of SCIENCE! so be it. Cannot be performed by a homunculus.
Cost: 4500 gp. Success: Standard laboratory. (moderate boost to research and technology rolls, moderate boost to construction rolls if carried out in the lab, lab space increases by an additional 10 places, +1 learning action, Upkeep: 100 gp a turn)

Stewardship - Improve Organization II
Your notes, your files, and your blueprints are now all in one easily accessible location. Curiously, you still require time to sort through your things. Perhaps you should look into this 'drawers' and 'folders' thing Igorina keeps suggesting! Cannot be performed by a homunculus.
Chance of success: 80%. Success: +1 Stewardship. Failure: Try again next time!

Stewardship - Improve Barn
Alpha somehow built a barn last month. It's serviceable, but it could definitely be improved. That west-leaning wall is really leaning. Besides, you want a proper cold room to store cadavers. Can be performed by a homunculus.
Cost: 1350 gp. Success: Your barn can now store creatures larger than sheep and includes a cold room in which you can store meat. Or, y'know, bodies.

Stewardship - Construct Dependable Homunculus
You already have one, but having another can't hurt. They're thankfully very cheap for what is essentially a servant made of brass and iron. Can be performed by a homunculus.
Cost: 90 gp. Success: You now own an additional homunculus!

Stewardship - Construct Basic Clockwork Soldier
Create a basic clockwork soldier. You've cut costs and corners as low as they will go. It's a little fragile compared to a true clockwork soldier, but you're sure that in a fight it'll do better than your average barroom brawler. Pity you could easily purchase the services of a thousand of them with the money you're putting into your Clockwork minion. Can be performed by a homunculus.
Cost: 450 gp. Success: You now own one Basic Clockwork Soldier! Upkeep: 1 gp/month

Stewardship - Construct Clockwork Soldier
Create a clockwork soldier. The standard clockwork soldier, it can outfight just about any flesh and blood creature that isn't some flavor of hero or monster. Loud, but dependable, its utility on the battlefield is unmatched in this day and age. Pity it has no initiative of its own or it'd truly be the perfect soldier. With a dozen of these you could easily take over Falcon's Hollow by force. Can be performed by a homunculus.
Cost: 3,600 gp. Success: You now own one Clockwork Soldier! 4 gp upkeep per month.

Stewardship - Construct Basic Clockwork Tinkerer
Create a basic clockwork tinkerer. You've cut costs and corners as low as they will go. It's a little fragile compared to a true clockwork tinkerer, but it's a lot hardier than your average flesh-and-bone artificer. Pity you could easily purchase the services of a hundred of them with the money you're putting into your Clockwork minion. Can be performed by a homunculus.
Cost: 450 gp. Success: You now own one Basic Clockwork Tinkerer! 1 gp upkeep per month.

Stewardship - Construct Clockwork Tinkerer
Create a clockwork tinkerer. The standard clockwork tinkerer, it is rugged, durable and meant to keep a unit of clockwork soldiers operational for as long as possible. Although its martial abilities are limited, it is impossible for a squad of clockwork soldiers to move for long periods without them. Can be performed by homunculus.
Cost: 1800 gp. Success: You now own one Clockwork Tinkerer! 2 gp upkeep per month.

Intrigue (Choose 1)

Intrigue - Create Cipher
Although your notes have been rendered slightly more cryptic, it's still not a great system. It'd be best if you invested some time and tried a less simple substitution cipher.
Success: +1 Intrigue.

Intrigue - Slight Poison Resistance
To your shame you have not yet started a regimen of basic poison resistance by means of ingesting a tiny, non-lethal dose of poison at a time to get yourself acclimated to a variety of deadly toxins.
Cost: 50 gp. Success: +1 Intrigue in 12 turns. (only takes one turn to set up)

Intrigue - Selling Giant Spider Eggs
You now own several giant spider eggs. As far as you can tell, they should hatch within half a year. Although highly illegal, some people are quite interested in exotic pets. It might fetch a pretty penny... provided you can find a fence willing to buy it from you.
Chance of success: 50%. Success: Sell giant spider eggs for 2500 gp total.

Intrigue - Giant Spiders Research
You now own several giant spider eggs. As far as you can tell, they should hatch within half a year. Although highly illegal, you're interested in seeing if you can raise them. Although you're certain that using them as mounts or soldiers would be less than ideal, the production of giant spider silk would be a massive boon. The material is light, but supposedly tougher than steel. The only reason you could shoot it down was because your quarrels are designed to explode on impact, releasing their payload of sulfuric acid. Anyway, you want to research it, but that is a long-term project that will require a lot of a very, difficult to obtain expensive material.
Chance of success: 50%. Success: information. Failure: people are aware you are asking questions.

Intrigue - The Secrets of Darkwood
Although you hesitate to admit it, there might be some things that you are less familiar with than some of the people here. You could simply try to research darkwood on your own, but it would be significantly faster if you pumped that information out of someone in the know. The trick, of course, is finding those secrets without alerting others that you are in the market for them.
Chance of success: 50%. Success: Find the botanist. Failure: Do not find the botanist. Higher chance of success next time.

Intrigue - Capture a fairy
Fairies have been wandering around the place. It's time you captured one to interrogate... secretly.
Chance of success: 30%. Success: Secretly capture a fairy. Failure: Relations with fairies descends to hostile.

Learning Actions (Choose 2)

Learning - Research Giant Spider remains
You killed a giant spider last month. Although the biology of it is beyond you - that lies in the realm of bottle mages and effigy masters - you are not completely inexperienced in dissection. At the very least, you will be able to understand the interplay of form and function, and as such, increase the chances of creating a schematic based on some form of arachnid. You'll have to perform the autopsy this month: any longer and the giant spider will simply rot from the inside out.
Chance of success: 75%. Success: +1 biological schematic (giant arachnid), +10 on any research and construction rolls involving giant arachnids.

Learning - Construct Clockwork Homunculus
You nearly had a breakthrough last month when it came to the construction of homunculi - even above and beyond your already notable success. Although noisy, and expensive, why not play to your strengths? A clockwork homunculus would be durable enough to be able to defend itself, unlike regular homunculi. They wouldn't make for great soldiers, but a lab that can't defend itself can barely be called a lab at all, right?
Cost: 500 gp. Chance of success: 60% Success: Create a clockwork homunculus (chance of failure on a roll of 2-4, instead of 2-15), capable of self-defense. Failure: Higher chance next time, recover half the cost.

Learning - Construct Dependable Spider Chassis Homunculus
You feel you nearly had a breakthrough last month when it came to the construction of homunculi - even above and beyond your already notable success. You were distracted by the image of gigantic clockwork spiders, and that idea has latched onto your brain and won't let go. You feel that if you created a dependable spider homunculus, it would great help in paving the way to the construction and research of a giant clockwork spider. Not that the giant clockwork spider will be easy to make, just easier. Besides, spider-legs would make any golem much more capable of navigating difficult terrain.
Cost: 500 gp. Chance of success: 40% Success: Create an advanced spider-legged homunculus (chance of failure on a roll of 2-4, instead of 2-15), spider legs. Failure: Higher chance next time, recover half the cost.

Learning - Construct Clockwork Spider-Chassis Homunculus
You feel you nearly had a breakthrough last month when it came to the construction of homunculi - even above and beyond your already notable success. You were distracted by the image of gigantic clockwork spiders, and that idea has latched onto your brain and won't let go. You feel that if you created a clockwork spider-chassis homunculus, it would greatly facilitate your understanding of how to create a larger version. After all, a giant spider is still a spider, and a giant spider golem, is just a big one made bigger. Sort of.
Cost: 1000 gp. Chance of success: 15% Success: Create a clockwork spider-legged homunculus (chance of failure on a roll of 2-4, instead of 2-15), spider legs. Failure: Higher chance next time, recover half the cost.

Learning - Construct Clockwork Pikeman
You've noticed that the defenders of Falcon's Hollow carry pikes more often than they carry swords. Now that you think about it, it's a good idea: swords are expensive and difficult to master, most clockwork soldiers can only use about a quarter of their potential, handling them more like sticks than true swords. A pikeman could be more effective than a clockwork soldier while also being cheaper. Given that it'd be essentially the same clockwork soldier, it shouldn't be too hard to make the appropriate modifications.
Cost: 4,000 gp. Chance of success: 80%. Success: Create a clockwork pikeman. Create blueprints of clockwork pikeman, and basic clockwork pikeman. Failure: Create clockwork soldier, greater chance of success during next attempt.

Learning - Construct Clockwork Archer
You are all too aware of the importance of long-range support when it comes to battles. Of course, archery is far more difficult than close range combat, making the creation of a clockwork archer a difficult proposition. You're sure that the solution to this dilemma lies within the folds of your brilliant, brilliant brain.
Time: 3 turns. Cost: 4,000 gp. Chance of success: 70%. Success: Create clockwork archer. Create blueprints for basic clockwork archer and clockwork archer. Failure: Delay by a turn. Critical Failure: Project scrapped, recover half cost, project re-started with higher chance of success.

Learning - Research Ironwood
The darkwood of the forest is already very strong. Unfortunately, the combination of moisture produced by the clockwork golem's steam engine, and the friction produced by the numerous gears will inevitably cause any clockwork darkwood golem to rot from the inside out. If you could alchemically treat the darkwood such that this does not become a problem you are sure that you could cut costs across the board, as well as ensure a steady supply of materials from which to construct your golem army. Although golems made from Ironwood might be a little more fragile, they'll also be a little more agile.
Time: 3 turns. Cost: 1,000 gp. Chance of success: 50%. Success: Obtain the secret to Ironwood. Failure: Delay by a turn. Critical failure: Delay by two turns. Three critical failures and the project must be re-started from scratch with a higher chance of success.

Learning - Construct Fairy Trap
You're tired of fairies wandering around your premises. Time to construct a basic trap for the damn pests.
Cost: 25 gp. Chance of success: 80%. Success: Create a trap for fairies, relations descend to hostile. Failure: Recover half cost.

Learning - Construct Secret Fairy Trap
You're tired of fairies wandering around your premises. Time to construct a trap that will let you secretly capture them for interrogation.
Cost: 50 gp. Chance of success: 50%. Success: Create a secret trap for fairies.

Learning - Research Cheaper Sulfuric Acid
Your monopoly on the sulfuric acid production of the vale gives you both leverage and money. You're sure you could make an even cheaper way to make sulfuric acid though, boosting your profit margin by a not inconsiderable amount.
Time: 3 turns. Cost: 1,500 gp. Chance of success: 60%. Success: Cheaper sulfuric acid, income increased to 1,500 gp a month. Failure: Delay by a turn. Critical Failure: Project scrapped with a higher chance of success next time.

Learning - Research Odorless Sulfuric Acid
Sulfuric acid smells like smells like rotten eggs. For some reasons, others find this off-putting. You are pretty sure you could create an odorless version. Well, technically it's not sulfuric acid anymore, but this is what you're calling it.
Time: 3 turns. Cost: 1,500 gp. Chance of success: 70%. Success: Odorless Sulfuric Acid, Major Increase in reputation. Failure: Project delayed by a turn. Critical failure: Project scrapped, re-start with a higher chance of success next time.

Learning - Research Perfume II
Sulfuric acid smells like rotten eggs. You've already created a batch of perfume, but it itches and you're sure that a superior product would be something more people would shell gold out for. You are pretty sure you could enhance the formula you're using and could sell it to the low market merchants that people... might flock to buy? You're not sure, the lumberjacks aren't exactly the most hygienic of folk at the best of time and they're like 80% of the people here.
Cost: 100 gp. Chance of success: 90%. Success: Create advanced perfume. Failure: itch and smell like rosewater for a month.

Personal Actions (Choose 1)

[ ] Personal - Igorina's Lessons on Etiquette I
Igorina wishes to instruct you in the proper protocol for drinking tea. This complex social maneuver requires a small table, a tiara, the presence of Alpha, Gamma and Beta, as well as Joey the baby goat. Curiously, it does not, in fact, require tea, merely the cups. You are not entirely sure if you understand the subtle nuances: Igorina keeps on telling you you're 'getting it wrong'! You have decided that you will, in secret, record her every word, and sketch out the PROPER TEA GUZZLING PROTOCOL using math and tiny wooden mock-ups. This plan is foolproof!
Chance of success: 90%. Success: +1 diplomacy. Wooden models of yourself, Igorina, the homunculi, and a baby goat. Failure: Be barred from the tea party for a month. Probably because you set something on fire.

[ ] Personal - Names
Part of your scatter-brained nature is due to your lack of focus, but you fear a larger, more significant portion is due to that time you were subjected to The Copper Man's shrink spray. While you managed to eventually de-shrinkify yourself, you've always suspected that your brain didn't grow to quite its true size. Time to see if you can't improve it through a little bit of mental exercise: remembering people's names!.
Chance of success: 90%. Success: +1 stewardship, reputation increases a little bit. Failure: Reputation decreases.

[ ] Personal - Oversee the Homunculi
With more time to yourself, you can oversee the work that your homunculi are performing. In theory, this will help them be more effective at their jobs. In practice, you... are kind of a terrible overseer.
Success: Add your stewardship bonus to the Homuncli rolls for the month.

[ ] Personal - Double Down on a Project
By spending your personal time on a construction or research project, you can obviously be more certain that your project will succeed. You'll need more materials, of course - just in case you catch yourself making a mistake.
Cost: All gold-related costs are doubled. Success: Add 20 to any one project you are personally leading.

[ ] Personal - Extra Action
You could just continue working like a normal mad scientist and find something else to do.
Success: Do something else.

FixerUpper · Nov 3, 2014

With an overwhelming number voting for Jack'A'Napes adventurers, I think I can feel confident in starting a quick diplomacy event before getting to the rest of the turn.

EVENT - The Jack'A'Napes Adventurers (Part 1)
With the recent surge of wolf attacks, adventurers have become more numerous, as well as more chatty. It might be worth your while to go talk to a few of them down at the Jack'A'Napes Inn.
Chance of success: 80%. Success: ???. Failure: ???.

Result: 83% (Success!)

You wander into the Jack'A'Napes Inn on a cool, Mantis morning. Business is brisk: the Roasted Duck tavern is the usual watering hole for the drifters, the lumberjacks, and the locals; the Jack'A'Napes Inn is for the so-called 'adventurers.' As a general rule, you find them unbelievable pests. Whenever you are on the verge of a breakthrough, adventurers come storming through your laboratory doors. You've made a habit of keeping tabs on the 'torch and pitchforks' mood of the city by deigning to visit every now and then.

There are the usual selection of surly dwarves by the tavern downstairs, sizing up newcomers with bloodshot eyes as they drink from frothing mugs and talk in precisely the same indecipherable dialect. New to the scene is a halfling bard cheerfully strumming her lute. You avoid thinking about making a musical toybox for Igorina: such thoughts are hardly the sort productive efficiency that will lead to world conquest.

Or are they? Perhaps with the help of ritualist, an enchanter, and fourteen tiny composers-

You hear a clank and whirl suspiciously, thoughts of music-based golem intelligence forgotten: ah-ha! You knew it! You watch a duo of frowny-faced warriors, and their long, shiny swords strapped to their equally shiny armor suspiciously - they're probably religious nuts, they're the only ones who would wage a war on perfectly healthy coating of grime. But are they here for you? It's hard to say. A sign of how busy things are: a dark-robed spellmeister has gotten into an argument with an equally dark-cloaked woodsman, apparently over who gets to brood menacingly in the shady corner by the fireplace. A twitchy elf covered in the vials and potions of the bottle mage trade sits in a somewhat smoky corner of the tavern, poking listlessly at his meal. You have to say, you can't approve of all that glassware; one good fall and he'll probably lose his entire batch of reagents.

Not to mention possibly become a horrifying, spellwarped monster, but that is clearly the lesser of two evils. One is a mess, the other is a... qualified breakthrough. Probably for someone else, but such is the price of SCIENCE! Muhahahah-

"Love, are you going to sit down?" the barmaid asks.

You stop laughing manically, sit near the door, and order something off the menu.

Then you wait.

In theory, you are supposed to talk, but you have long ago discovered that when you open your mouth, tragedies occur. A well gets poisoned; adventurers are hired to investigate; nimrods start jumping to conclusions; pitchforks are procured; a perfectly innocent scientist points out that he couldn't have possibly poisoned the well because he was busy fixing that chemical run-off that gave all the fish in the lake those lovely nightmare jaws that ate Ser Coaldale's pet donkey; a perfectly virtuous man of science is then run out of town-

Like you said, tragedies.

Far easier if people come to you. It doesn't always work - usually it doesn't, in fact, most adventurers seem to be hired by anxious villagers from a town over, but today you're lucky. A woman, her hair done in a style you are unfamiliar with, walks down the stairs with casual grace and when her eyes alight on you, she strides purposefully towards you. She's carrying a crude spear, and wearing surprisingly practical, if mismatched armor.

She takes the seat in front of you without asking for permission. You are not sure if this is a breach of protocol or not, social niceties are for you frustratingly opaque.

"So," she says, smiling in a way that reveal all her teeth, "you're the bloke that killed that giant spider, and carried it home, aren'tcha?"

"Yes," you admit. You restrain yourself from going into a detailed explanation the very clever application of leverage that allowed you to cart the corpse home: Igorina fell asleep when you explained it to her. You have discovered her to be an accurate gauge for whether this might happen to others.

"You should be proud, you're the talk of the town - but, hey, more to the point, I wanna buy it," she tells you, leaning forward and taking the conversation in a direction you did not predict.

Before you can inform her that that's impossible, you hear a clink. It's the elf alchemist. He moves jerkily, his eyes never quite settling as he speaks, looking everywhere but at people. He makes his way to your table in quick, if efficiently erratic, strides.

"I will double her price," he whispers.

"Oi, piss off," the woman says, turning around. "Me an' him are conducting business."

"I want to conduct business too, then," he says in his breathy whisper, still standing.

She picks up her spear and waves it at him menacingly, smelling faintly of ozone as she does so. "I said piss off, little knife-ears."

Before the two of them can come to blows, you manage to get a word in.

"The body is not for sale: I am autopsying it."

The two of them look surprised - why? What else would you want with the corpse of a giant arachnid?

The woman recovers first. "That's alright, I just need its remains after you're done with them."

"As long as its spinneret and rear venom sacs are intact..." the elf murmurs hesitantly.

"I am not here to sell the arachnid carcass," you say, irritated, "I am here to-"

--------------------------------------------------------

Why are you here anyway?

[ ] Eh. You changed your mind, you are here to sell that spider carcass!
[ ] Here to hire minions!
[ ] Here to listen in on conversations! Except not in a spying, prying way. Wait, did you just say that out loud?
[ ] write-in

FixerUpper · Nov 6, 2014

"...sell the carcass after all."

"Perfect!" the woman says, her curiously braided hair swinging as she rubs her hands together excitedly. "Fifty gold pieces."

"One hundred," the elf says immediately.

"No less than one thousand," you say before the woman can up the ante.

They gape at you. Even the elf is still for a moment.

"You must be mad," the woman says explosively, standing up. She shakes her spear at you angrily, if not directly. "A thousand gold? For a barmy spider body?"

Heads turn at her raised voice.

"Who carries that much gold on them?"

You do, as a matter of fact. Well, roughly that number. Diamonds are more compact, easier to carry around. You must purchase an astounding quantity of metal today in preparation for your innumerable projects. Clockwork armies do not simply build themselves, after all. You will conquer Falcon's Hollow before the year is out, muhahahaha-

People are looking at you funny. You calm yourself, put both hands on the table.

"If it is less than the quoted number, it is simply not worth the inconvenience," you inform them.

The spear lady's jaw drops.

"What inconvenience? We'd be doing you a favor getting rid of the body," she snaps.

"Disposal would be trivial," the elf agrees in his papery voice.

For the sake of convenience, now that they have continued interacting with you for longer than a minute you decide to mentally label them 'Human Spear Warrior Two,' and 'Elf Alchemist Eighty-seven.'

(You knew a lot more alchemists at the Academe than warriors)

"Those are my terms," you repeat.

The elf hesitates, then reaches to one of his innumerable bottles tied to his leather jerkin. Selecting one, he carefully removes it and sets it down in front of you. It bubbles with an inner, eldritch light.

"A potion of my own creation," he says. "With it, you will not need to sleep for a month. Side-effects include-"

You've stopped listening. No need to sleep? Why, you tried your hand at self-alteration before - anyone who was anyone at the Academe least tried it, but you had to admit that the limits of traditional alchemy in that regard are severe. Your eyes light up at the possibilities. Why, just last week you were thinking what a pity it was that you did not have four of yourselves, and with this potion there would be at least two of you! Or, to be more accurate, one and a bit. Hopefully that bit is your head. Still, marvelous.

"-mania, heightened aggression-"

Not to be outdone, the warrior snarls and takes out a ring, slamming it onto the countertop. It's made of copper wire, looped through the eye sockets of a tiny ebony skull.

"This hain't no one-shot potion, it's a true ring of calling," she tells you in a low voice.

"Ring of calling?" you asks.

"-a craving for sweets, a fascination with the color purple, spontaneous growths along the inside of your neighbors' jaws-"

She leans in and whispers: "It'll call upon the spirit of a mouse."

You are intrigued. Necromancy? The raising of corpses is a well known practice - Cheliax employs them as laborers by the thousand -, that of ghosts is much less so. It is very similar to the binding of elemental spirits to power the greatest of golems. If you are to speak truthfully, you've always suspected that you weren't really binding the soul of a cat or a tree to your homunculi. This would, at least, give you some basis to start investigating the matter.

"-the destruction of all articles of clothing containing buttons made out of lead, the spontaneous generation of orange toast-"

Still, you are not certain what good a mouse will do for you right now.

"If I were to hunt another spider," you ask, bringing up a nice little hypothetical, but the two of them shake their heads.

"Gotta be this spider," the woman says.

"Yes," the elf agrees.

You tap your chin speculatively.

"I may have something you might be interested in, however-"

-------------------------------------

From the elf you... (choose 1)

[ ] accept 100 gold in payment.
[ ] accept the Binary Rush Potion in payment.
[ ] 1) ask for all of the above.
[ ] ask the elf to hunt wolves for you in exchange for the carcass.
[ ] refuse payment from the elf (moderately increase future diplomacy chances with elf).
[ ] something else (write-in)

From the human you... (choose 1)

[ ] accept 50 gold in payment from the human.
[ ] accept the Mouse Ring in Payment.
[ ] 2) ask for all of the above.
[ ] ask the human to hunt wolves for you in exchange for the carcass.
[ ] refuse payment from the human (moderately increase future diplomacy chances with human).
[ ] something else (write-in)

FixerUpper · Nov 8, 2014

Turn Two Results

Year 2714, Month of the Mantis

State of the Realm

Falcon's Hollow:

Treasury: 3,550 gp (Current Upkeep: 104 gp a month)
Income: 1,000 gp/month
Upkeep: 104 gp/month
Laboratory: Standard (moderate bonuses to construction and research, lab space 20 (enough room for 20 projects))
Minions: 2 homunculi, 1 advanced clockwork homunculus, Igorina
Golems: 1 clockwork pikeman
Falcon's Hollow Reputation: Harmless Kook (60/100)

Homunculi can perform 'Homunculi Actions' once per month. A d100 will be rolled, upon a critical failure (2-15), they will messily die without completing their task. Upon the roll of a 1, they will cease to be, but successfully carry out their mission in a truly spectacular fashion.

For now, each turn represents a month of work.

Events
Roll: 76

There is a steady, but noticeable increase in the sales of darkwood. The foremen are out shouting at the lumberjacks from dawn to dusk, working them to the bone in order to meet their quotas. Inevitably, there is an accident, at least four lumberjacks are maimed, two killed: pulped by an ancient growth tree the size of a wizard's tower. A hasty funeral is arranged, one that you attend completely by accident. You are shanghaied into attending the wake as well, and drink until the sun is up. Your own production of sulfuric acid must to rise to the occasion - not that that is an onerous burden, although it was not the wisest idea to begin modifications while suffering from a hangover. Oh well, all's well that ends well, you didn't really need your eyebrows anyway.

You certainly do not begrudge the additional gold.

What you do begrudge is the presence of visitors. Surly, dour men in stinking armor start arriving in force. You understand that they are here to protect the wood: from what, or whom, you haven't the faintest idea unless the wolves have somehow gotten into their canine heads to attack the river. The darkwood is floated downstream - and it is not like anything less than an army could be spiriting it away.

Whether construction work, or something else, no fairies attack again this month. Lucky!

Result: +250 gold, slight increase in reputation, influx of mercenaries

Diplomacy Actions

Diplomacy - The Jack'A'Napes Adventurers
With the recent surge of wolf attacks, adventurers have become more numerous, as well as more chatty. It might be worth your while to go talk to a few of them down at the Jack'A'Napes Inn.
Chance of success: 80%. Success: ???. Failure: ???.

[cont'd from Part 1, and Part 2]

"The ring is sufficient," you tell the warrior-slash-necromancer, about to pocket the token.

She smiles, and grabs your hand. Her grip, although strong, is no greater than your own. It is, however, freezing cold. Your flesh crawls.

"Nuh-uh," she says, clicking her tongue. "Not until the deal is complete and I got meself my spider corpse."

You nod. She lets go, taking the ring back.

You turn to the elf.

"An amazing invention," you tell the alchemist. "But-"

You swirl the contents of the glass bottle in your hand regretfully, almost unwilling to return it. To give up the possibilities this represents: madness! And yet, you are all too aware of the dangers experimental elixirs can represent.

"But?" he prompts breathily.

"I would prefer another research subject. A wolf from the Wolfrun Hills."

The elf nods, retrieving the bottle, and leaves.

The necromancer whistles as she takes her leaves. "If he's off to kill em' on his own, he's a deader for sure."

You shrug.

Result: Mouse Ring obtained, New Diplomacy Options available next turn

Martial Actions

Survey of Darkmoon Vale
You really do want to find those dwarven ruins rumored to exist in Darkmoon Wood. Although the only confirmed ruins are at Drokar's Crag to the North, you would adore the chance to go sight-seeing in one of the ruins. Of course, assuming they're there.
Chance of success: 60%. Success: Survey of Darkmoon Vale, ???, Failure: Nothing.

Roll: 101 (Critical Success!)

A survey is all about careful, systematic work. Measurements, distances, angles. Math.

That and incredible blind luck.

You set out every morning to explore the Vale and the woods beyond. What would take others months, takes you hours: you do most of the number crunching in your head, sketching out topographical maps on the back of your handkerchief, and the edge of your shirt. Practical experience, and a lifetime spent sketching blueprints makes this easy for you - whether the sketches will survive is another, completely unrelated matter.

Perhaps you should buy a bunch of papers and bind them together like a book. Only, the pages will be blank and you will be able to sketch, or even write notes on them.

Wow! You truly are a genius. If only you could write that idea down somewhere...

You discover the major nest of giant spiders, and skirt cautiously around it; the underground warren in which the boars hide when they are not outside; and even a number of fairy rings, although devoid of any actual fairies; the real fairies are living, as far as you can tell, nowhere. There is something else, something dark that lives in these woods. You think you spot it several times, a thin, humanoid-like creature that is far too tall to be anything besides half-giant, but you only ever catch a glimpse of it. Finding it, if it does exist, will require time and energy.

Time much better spent on investigating an archaeological marvel.

It is, much as it pains you to admit, purely luck that you stumble across it at all: tripping on an exposed tree root, you roll and slam straight into a massive boulder - the hollow, metallic echo of your impact identifies it as a fake. Some careful investigation later and you discover the clever mechanism that keeps a false door concealed: as you open it inch by creaking inch, you are assaulted by hot, stale air, and hear, as if from far away, the rumbling of running water and the grinding of metal gears.

Without a doubt, it is a dwarvish ruin of some sort.

Before you can investigate any further, you hear high-pitched, drunken singing.

Fairies!

They haven't noticed your incursion yet: given how difficult it was for you to open this door, you suspect that this passage into their 'kingdom' is one that even they were unaware about. You close it quickly, resolved to return at a later point. Like tomorrow, maybe.

Result: Darkwood Vale surveyed, +15 to rolls in Darkwood Vale, Tall Slender Humanoid (?) Creature Seen, Blackrock Ruin secret entrance discovered

Hunt wolves at Wolfrun Hills
Now that wolves have come out in force, hunting them down is extremely dangerous. Although the bounty on every wolf killed has increased, after the last four parties were sent out and disappeared without a word, people have stopped trying. There have been repeated sightings of a huge dire wolf hanging around there. Rumors have it that it is anything from a minor deity, to a spellforged abomination, to a restless ghost.
Chance of success: 25%. Success: Wolf pelts, Major Reputation Increase, 1d6*75 gp. Failure: ???
Dispatched: Elf Alchemist (moderate bonus to martial rolls)

Roll: 47 (Failure!)

The elf returns to Falcon's Hollow bloody and feverish. His various potions have all been consumed, and he himself is barely coherent, bleeding heavily all over your new lab renovations. He does not have any wolf carcasses for you to dissect either. You send him into the town proper for medical treatment, annoyed. Is there nobody that can do things right, these days?

You suppose it's too late to retrieve the spider bits you already gave him, you performed the dissection early in the month.

Ugh, sometimes you are simply too generous.

Result: Failure! Elf Alchemist opinion of you lowered.

Stewardship Actions

Improve Laboratory II
Your laboratory is decent, but not great. You'd have to spend a hefty amount, to turn it into something truly great, but if that is the price of SCIENCE! so be it. Cannot be performed by a homunculus.
Cost: 4500 gp. Success: Standard laboratory. (moderate boost to research and technology rolls, moderate boost to construction rolls if carried out in the lab, lab space increases by an additional 10 places, +1 learning action, Upkeep: 100 gp a turn)

For the second month in a row, your laboratory is a din of hammering nails, sawing wood, and clanking gears. You find the noise and work soothing, although Igorina does not agree. You, however, are almost dancing with visions of what your laboratory might look like: the specialized tools here, the forge there, the place for homunculi to work over in that corner there-

Too soon it is over. Your lab is now acceptable for a scientist of your stature. 20 on-going projects is a good start for any arcanist.

Now you'll need to find some competent help. Or build it, muhahahaha!

Result: Standard laboratory obtained. (moderate boost to research and technology rolls, moderate boost to construction rolls if carried out in the lab, lab space increases by an additional 10 places, +1 learning action, Upkeep: 100 gp a turn)

Improve Organization II
Your notes, your files, and your blueprints are now all in one easily accessible location. Curiously, you still require time to sort through your things. Perhaps you should look into this 'drawers' and 'folders' thing Igorina keeps suggesting! Cannot be performed by a homunculus.
Chance of success: 80%. Success: +1 Stewardship. Failure: Try again next time!

Result: 15 (failure!)

You carefully organize your things so that they can be placed in a drawer. By this, you mean, you make sure all your papers are small enough to fit within a drawer, and if they are not, you fold them until they are. Blueprints go in Drawer B. Other blueprints go in Drawer A, C, and D. You fold some papers over others for organizational purposes. These are 'folders,' right?

Curiously, it does not seem to aid in your efficiency. Hm, perhaps next month.

Homunculus Actions

Improve Barn
Alpha somehow built a barn last month. It's serviceable, but it could definitely be improved. That west-leaning wall is really leaning. Besides, you want a proper cold room to store cadavers. Can be performed by a homunculus.
Cost: 1350 gp. Success: Your barn can now store creatures larger than sheep and includes a cold room in which you can store meat. Or, y'know, bodies.

Result: 55 (success!)

You dispatch Igorina to ensure that Alpha follows your instructions to the letter this time. While one baby goat is immaterial, if an entire flock of goats, or donkeys, or cows goes missing and winds up in your barn, the good citizens of Falcon's Hollow will not merely be content with breaking out the torches and pitchforks and chasing you out of town. Mucking around with dark forces better left alone is one thing, stealing? That is an altogether different matter, one that is dealt with most harshly, and brings to mind visions of hands missing arms, and teeth missing mouths.

Fortunately, with Igorina there to keep him in line, Alpha merely improves the barn, and builds you your cold room. You glare at the finished product suspiciously, but if there's an extra padlock filled with prized bullocks, it escapes your keen analytic gaze.

Result: Your barn can now store creatures larger than sheep and includes a cold room in which you can store meat. Or, y'know, bodies.

Construct Dependable Homunculus
You already have one, but having another can't hurt. They're thankfully very cheap for what is essentially a servant made of brass and iron. Can be performed by a homunculus.
Cost: 90 gp. Success: You now own an additional homunculus!

Result: 1 (?!?!)

All your homunculi are overachievers.

If you were the type to pray, you would swear to god that they are doing this on purpose. As you are not, all you can do is ~~sulk~~ take notes as Igorina pours you more (invisible) tea and comments on your table manners.

Your first task for Gamma Prime is simple. Build another homunculus. It is among the most basic tasks that a homunculus can conduct, and you are certain that your new and improved metal man is more than up to the task. You leave him with the requisite parts, give him clear instructions, and even helpfully inform him that he is the first among a new, improved breed, muhahahaha!

You awake one day, covered in sawdust, your improvements to your ~~lair~~ laboratory still half-complete, yawn explosively, walk over your scattered schematics, pour rum into your coffee, and see a tiny clockwork man.

You jerk awake, your coffee splashing onto the floor as you run to observe it. It runs on clockwork gears and a beautifully miniaturized chaos steam engine. If not for your initials stenciled into the parts, and Gamma's project number inscribed into his control apparatus, you would have sworn another artificer had appeared and sent you this creation simply to one-up you. You aren't entirely certain if Gamma grafted the parts limb by limb, or simply built the body first, then transferred his control apparatus within, but regardless it is beautiful work.

And you don't know how it was done. Arrrgh!

Result: -1 advanced homunculus, +1 advanced clockwork homunculus

Intrigue (Choose 1)

Intrigue - Slight Poison Resistance
To your shame you have not yet started a regimen of basic poison resistance by means of ingesting a tiny, non-lethal dose of poison at a time to get yourself acclimated to a variety of deadly toxins.
Cost: 50 gp. Success: +1 Intrigue in 12 turns. (only takes one turn to set up)

You purchase a variety of deadly toxins and begin applying them to yourself in minute quantities.

So far, all you've had so far are minor shakes, sweating, and the occasional sensation of vertigo. Nothing to be alarmed over, certainly.

Result: Ingested tiny quantities of poison.

Learning Actions

Learning - Research Giant Spider remains
You killed a giant spider last month. Although the biology of it is beyond you - that lies in the realm of bottle mages and effigy masters - you are not completely inexperienced in dissection. At the very least, you will be able to understand the interplay of form and function, and as such, increase the chances of creating a schematic based on some form of arachnid. You'll have to perform the autopsy this month: any longer and the giant spider will simply rot from the inside out.
Chance of success: 75%. Success: +1 biological schematic (giant arachnid), +10 on any research and construction rolls involving giant arachnids.

Roll: 44 (success!)

You begin the dissection of the spider early, before Alpha can get to renovating the barn, or you yourself have started earnestly improving your laboratory. Promises of the mouse ring and wolf cadavers spin eagerly in your mind, and as much as you are inured to odd smells, you have to admit that a rotting corpse will be useless to you. Muscles that have turned into a putrefying slurry will not reveal their secrets to you, so you put on a pair of glass eyes of your own design, wrap a cloth around your mouth, place on your thickest pair of gloves, put on the leather apron that you use for forgework, take out your hammer, tongs, knife, and saw, and start your dissection. The necromancer and the alchemist will be along shortly, one to harvest the appropriate glands, the other to retrieve the remainders when you are done with them.

You make a rough sketch of the beast first. Igorina aids you in this: helpfully pointing out the 'grossest parts' your diagram is missing. The fine hairs of the limbs are carefully examined, then promptly forgotten about in favor for looking at the actual musco-skeletal system. You are lucky that an arachnid has so many appendages: the first few attempts at taking them off involve irreparably damaging the chitinous exoskeleton, and ruining the more delicate muscles hidden beneath. It takes you five limbs before you have got the technique right and can take a good look at the insides of the spider. White veins stand out beneath gray flesh, you poke at them experimentally, and when all else fails, attempt to stimulate them through static shocks.

It jerks, but you are unsurprised. Most things do when subject to such energetic shocks.

Its abdomen is a bit more of a mystery: you do not fiddle with it too much in case you damage something the elf wants, and in any case, it is the central body that you are the most interested in. With a working knowledge of its legs and body, you should be able to create an arachnid-type golem. Theoretically.

"Hammer," you ask, holding out a hand.

"Hammer," Igorina says, handing you a hammer.

By the time the necromancer and the alchemist walk in, the spider has been reduced to its component pieces. Not your best work, perhaps, but still, you were successful.

Result: +1 biological schematic (giant arachnid), +10 on any research and construction rolls involving giant arachnids.

Learning - Construct Clockwork Pikeman
You've noticed that the defenders of Falcon's Hollow carry pikes more often than they carry swords. Now that you think about it, it's a good idea: swords are expensive and difficult to master, most clockwork soldiers can only use about a quarter of their potential, handling them more like sticks than true swords. A pikeman could be more effective than a clockwork soldier while also being cheaper. Given that it'd be essentially the same clockwork soldier, it shouldn't be too hard to make the appropriate modifications.
Cost: 4,000 gp. Chance of success: 80%. Success: Create a clockwork pikeman. Create blueprints of clockwork pikeman, and basic clockwork pikeman. Failure: Create clockwork soldier, greater chance of success during next attempt.

Result: 78 (success!)

It's ambitious, but you are at loathe to leave yourself without a proper defense. An artificer without a king is like a general without an army. Useless! You spend a great deal of your accumulated wealth this month, renovating your laboratory, making it as clean as possible for your first major undertaking.

That you decide to start your first major undertaking simultaneously along with the renovations is, ah, a problem of planning. But no matter!

Your idea is simple: fashion a clockwork soldier that can use a spear. As a weapon with reach, and greater stability, as well as being cheaper to manufacture, and easier to maneuver, you are certain you can create an improved clockwork soldier. Kings like golems to look a certain way, you would prefer them to act a certain way.

And P-1 wholly lives up to your expectations. Although you would have to field-test it, you suspect it to be more effective than the average clockwork soldier, as well as cheaper to produce. Spears do not require the range of motion swords do, and the weapons themselves are far easier to create and replace. You do not require as much in fine gears, nor do you need the high-efficiency steam engines. Instead of spending a small fortune on each soldier, you will spend a slightly smaller fortune on each one for a superior product. Truly a delightful bit of engineering.

With one of these mechanical marvels, you are a force to be reckoned with in your own right. Normal men would fall before these like chaff. A clay golem might be more imposing, a stone golem more durable, but a clockwork soldier - well, this is the first soldier in your army, and you are proud of it.

Success: Create a clockwork pikeman. Create blueprints of clockwork pikeman, and basic clockwork pikeman.

Personal Actions

Igorina's Lessons on Etiquette I
Igorina wishes to instruct you in the proper protocol for drinking tea. This complex social maneuver requires a small table, a tiara, the presence of Alpha, Gamma and Beta, as well as Joey the baby goat. Curiously, it does not, in fact, require tea, merely the cups. You are not entirely sure if you understand the subtle nuances: Igorina keeps on telling you you're 'getting it wrong'! You have decided that you will, in secret, record her every word, and sketch out the PROPER TEA GUZZLING PROTOCOL using math and tiny wooden mock-ups. This plan is foolproof!
Chance of success: 90%. Success: +1 diplomacy. Wooden models of yourself, Igorina, the homunculi, and a baby goat. Failure: Be barred from the tea party for a month. Probably because you set something on fire.

Roll: 61 (succcess!)

Tea is complicated.

Your pinky must jut out just so, your hands be positioned like such, your knees touching one another, and for some reason you are supposed to nod and greet everyone.

"Lady Tottenbottenblingehrotten," you say, raising your teacup as you mangle the pronunciation of Alpha's make-believe name. In one hand you hold your saucer, the other your teacup.

Alpha nods to you and raises his teacup a hair.

You drink.

You look towards Igorina who nods solemnly. You smile widely.

Finally! You have done it! You have managed to get this strange custom down correctly. Muhahaha-

"Pa!" Igorina complains, kicking your knee. "Stop laughing."

"Ahem," you say, coughing into your fist, as you rub your knee. "Can I ask a question?"

"You can," she says, magnanimous.

"Is there a time I can laugh?"

She taps her cheek thoughtfully, and says, doubtfully: "Only when you say 'off with their head!' I think."

"I'll have to order an execution every time I need to laugh?" you say, horrified. Civilized people are more violent than you remember them being. At least at the Academe no one would look at you strangely for laughing in the middle of an ordinary conversation. You can't imagine how many people would have needed to die if you had to kill one each time you wanted to laugh. Tens of thousands, probably.

"Eggs- eggscution?" she asks you.

You drag two fingers across your neck.

"Oh! I think so? I don't think kings and queens laugh a lot."

What a horrific existence! You resolve not to become a king or queen. Why bother with royalty when science is so much more fun?

Still, you add it to your notes. With Igorina's tutelage, you are becoming quite the accomplished tea drinking expert!

Result: +1 diplomacy. Wooden models of yourself, Igorina, the homunculi, and a baby goat.

-----------------------------

GM's Notes: Well, I certainly wasn't expecting that natural 1 so soon. Next time, try not to abuse your prospective minions so. A better than average chance still requires a d100 roll + modifiers.

Evil Overlord (Civ Quest)

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