Original creators are Shadowdice and Corruptking over on QQ, with help from Nyarl-sama and me...
Dresden Files Friend Insert: The Beginning of King's Suffering Feat
- Thread starter Frakir's brother
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Frakir's brother
Goodbye.
- Location
- The Sea of Trees
Original creators are Shadowdice and Corruptking over on QQ, with help from Nyarl-sama and me. Crossposted here with their permission. As this is a Friend Insert, please spoiler anything from the Dresden Files not explicitly revealed in-story. Thank you very much, and enjoy!
Pulling my hood further over my head to prevent the wind from getting into my eyes, I ignored the rumbling in my stomach as I trudged forward.
Keep moving forward, that was all I could do. Thankfully, I had decent practice at it.
It was all I did for the last ten years after all.
I have no damned clue how I ended up in this world, all I remember is that I regained my full memories a couple years ago after a rather nasty accident.
I never thought I'd be dumb enough to not look both ways before crossing a street, but I was and that truck nearly did me in. The only upside was that I finally got the last of my memories that had been steadily bubbling up since I was four.
There had been disturbing parallels between my childhoods in both lives, though this one was undoubtedly worse. Perhaps that was why I remembered my childhood before I remembered my death. Or perhaps it was something to do with some twisted chronological rules requiring I remember my childhood before anything else while living through it.
It was... confusing at first. Having my old memories come to me while also growing up. Eventually, things made sense when I realized I was reincarnated into a new world. A world I knew nothing about.
Regardless, after that incident with the truck I remembered my death. I can't believe it was a damned patch of ice that took me out on my way to class. It's so pathetic.
After being on the run for the past ten years, I can't imagine being sounaware of my surroundings.
My stomach grumbled viciously, bringing me back from my inner thoughts. "Shut up." I hissed, ignoring the biting wind from Chicago's weather. The Windy City was not pleasant for anyone on the street, let alone the homeless people. Or maybe tonight was just especially cold. It wasn't even winter and I was halfway certain some of the people sitting by grates had frozen to death.
Because of course it would be freezing when I didn't have any plans for shelter and was fucking starving.
The only thing even remotely built for this sort of weather were my boots that were probably worn down enough that the protection for my feet would remain minimal at best, same as everything else. My fingers were frozen even as I shoved them into my pockets, but it was the best I could do.
It was gonna be hours till sunrise when it should start warming up enough that I could actually feel my toes. But at this rate, my worn clothes wouldn't be enough to prevent me from freezing to death if I didn't keep moving to try and stay warm.
"Fuck my life." I murmured as I continuously trudged through this damn city, for some reason beyond my understanding.
Still, I haven't been led wrong by my instincts before since coming to this world. Even if it felt like this time may result in my death, I needed to trust myself.
Now, if only that wasn't so infuriatingly difficult.
Just then I heard something that had become uncomfortably familiar in the past through years. Then it came again and again in a continuous stream. Gunshots.
My feet rooted my in place as I suddenly felt incredibly uncomfortably warm. Chicago was known for organized crime, but this wasn't the 1920s or 30s. No way could I somehow end up in the middle of a gang shootout in my first days here. Without thinking about it I broke into a run. No way was this going to happen.
"Jesus Christ help me!" A man shrieked in terror. Was that me screaming? Wordless screams rang out louder than the bullets along with the sound of cracking bones. I was screwed. Reincarnations were supposed to either punish or reward you depending on what you did, and right now it seemed like everyone above and below had decided to make it so I was in a living hell.
Each time my feet thumped against the ground sent a lance of pain through my body, I couldn't even tell if I was breathing. I wanted to beat my head against a wall for not paying attention to where I was, because the world seemed to be a jungle of brick walls and painted animals. Everything blurred before something squelched underneath my feet.
Bullet casings glinted in a puddle of blood. Their surfaces catching the beams of a fallen flashlight. I could hear the thud of a heart straining against its ribcage and crackling gasps of a dying man. A man lay on the pavement, crumpled and mangled to the point that his spine looked like crumpled paper. One hand gripped a smoking gun so tight that it stuck up in the air while the other twitched weakly. His pinky and ring finger had been ripped apart, leaving gory stumps where they should have been.
The man stared at me, half his jaw moving up and down to say something. Remaining fingers of his open hand twitching to point forward.
Our eyes met and I could see the image of a monster. A far too tall thing that had flesh like gnarled mossy wood and fingers bent like tree branches. Its mouth so full of teeth that it needed its face stretched out to fit them all, and eyes that were just soullesslighthouses of hate.
I saw it and felt the image burn into my brain to the point that it would never go away no matter how hard I tried to forget it.
The fallen man's flashlight gave off a bright beam that lit up his mangled body as the last gurgle of life left him. It went on, making the blood and gore glisten under it, and shone on the wall behind him. Lincoln Park Zoo sparkled and gold letters over the security guard.
An almost manic thought slammed into me before I held back a terrified laugh. No, that was wrong.
I was all alone in the zoo with a dead body and a monster somewhere in it. My heart slammed against my chest so fast I couldn't even hear a beat, just a single long tone that made my head ache. What do I do? Showing up with a dead guy would get me locked up somewhere. Were my fingerprints on file somewhere? With what happened to my old home they might have found them. Was I under investigation?
Cotton filled my skull, starving my brain while I stumbled in a daze. Do I run away? Whatever killed that guy might still be around, lurking in the trees, behind the tall grass. I stomped on the pavement, each step barelyregistering as my legs tingled. A monster was in the zoo. How do I even figure out what was going on?
My eyes strained against the darkness. Lampposts and trees studded the walls and paths of the zoo, but not even the buildings had any lights on to help me see. I almost stumbled into a board covered in posters with slogans I couldn't make out. I breathed in, my throat burned, straining against me. My stomach roared in my gut while my heart screeched at me to run or die. I pressed my back against the board, grateful for the cold despite it all. If my heart beat any faster my blood would boil me alive.
Every breath made me want to die, but I locked my eyes ahead. If the monster was still here it would definitely hear the racket my organs were making. That meant it was just me, the body, and a ridiculous number of animals. Lots of animals that could kill me, ones in cages.
Either an absolutely insane thought, or disturbingly rational one punched me in the head. Why does a monster kill a security guard in a zoo?
Because he saw it? Why would it be inthe zoo then?
My heart finally decided to slow down from Usain Bolt on meth to a Marathon runner about to die.
Animals.
I choked on air before managing to take a gulp. "Information desk?" There wouldn't be anyone here so that wouldn't be any help. Was there an administration building? With nothing in my stomach and not a single clue I ended up walking around the empty zoo without any way to figure out my problems.
The first thing I learned was that the Lincoln Park Zoo was monstrously huge. All the giant ass walls I saw were just for the inner section of the place. A humongous hole larger than most colleges that might as well have been carved in by a giant lay behind. And the thing had a sign labeling it a 'Pond' in bright reflective letters. Also, people didn't build zoos to be easy to find their way in, no, they definitely made these places to get them lost and spend the entire day looking for the way out.
Following the path I ended up on a trail curved more often that a fly's ramblings. More often then not I passed the same signed three times before finding somewhere else, and none of them had a map. Who need's a Primate House and a Center for African Apes. The second included the other!
Eventually I managed to find a giant building that some smartass had decided to call a 'cafe'. A set of stands had laminated pamphlets that glittered in the night light.
Dry papery hands came to my face as I wept. If I had even a slight chance of reading these in the dark I might find the place I needed. The wind blewright through me while I hunchedover the folded paper, threatening to rip it out of my grip. The map crinkled and expanded when I opened it, displaying the massive park in cartoon details. My eyes ached as I tried to read the list of locations. Farm, lagoon, seal pool. Eventually I found it tucked away in a corner, as if embarrassed that it existed.
Laflin Administrative Building.
Okay that would...be locked at this hour.
I beat my head against the stand, rattling it and the papers while Irepressed a scream of rage. Finally I groaned, heart beating slowly while I slumped to the ground. Maybe there was a place that the guard hadn't unlocked. If I touched the body for the keys I was screwed.
It took a long time beating the pavement to make my way over by the Information Center, and the only reason I hadn't frozen yet was due to the previous terror and all the moving I'd been doing. With the loss of the adrenaline I could feel myself crashing. By the time I was leaning against the glass doors my stomach had decided to give its death throws, begging me to finally eat. Past the glass I could make out a plastic sign with 'Closed' printed on it in letters big enough that I could see it. "Please be open," I groaned and reached for the handle. It rattled when I pulled on the blocky handle. My breath came out in a dry rattle when I pushed instead and nearly collapsed when it swung open.
"Thank you," I praised whatever weird force had decided to look out for me.
It wasn't any warmer inside of the Information Center, but the lack of wind definitely helped. A circular desk had been placed in the middle of the front room, complete with a rolling chair and monitors on it. If anyone went looking they'd definitely know I'd been here, but I didn't care at this point. I curled up in underneath the desk and started pulling at the drawers, hoping that someone had stashed their snacks there. My good Samaritanism earned me a bag of powdered donut holes and a cup of pudding, both almost frozen due to the cold. I'd probably be sick in the morning, but it was food and my stomach would devouritself out of spite if I didn't feed it something.
I couldn't really tell what elsehappened during the rest of the night, but I eventually passed out with enough white dust on me that I wouldfit in a commercial about drug use.
Pulling my hood further over my head to prevent the wind from getting into my eyes, I ignored the rumbling in my stomach as I trudged forward.
Keep moving forward, that was all I could do. Thankfully, I had decent practice at it.
It was all I did for the last ten years after all.
I have no damned clue how I ended up in this world, all I remember is that I regained my full memories a couple years ago after a rather nasty accident.
I never thought I'd be dumb enough to not look both ways before crossing a street, but I was and that truck nearly did me in. The only upside was that I finally got the last of my memories that had been steadily bubbling up since I was four.
There had been disturbing parallels between my childhoods in both lives, though this one was undoubtedly worse. Perhaps that was why I remembered my childhood before I remembered my death. Or perhaps it was something to do with some twisted chronological rules requiring I remember my childhood before anything else while living through it.
It was... confusing at first. Having my old memories come to me while also growing up. Eventually, things made sense when I realized I was reincarnated into a new world. A world I knew nothing about.
Regardless, after that incident with the truck I remembered my death. I can't believe it was a damned patch of ice that took me out on my way to class. It's so pathetic.
After being on the run for the past ten years, I can't imagine being sounaware of my surroundings.
My stomach grumbled viciously, bringing me back from my inner thoughts. "Shut up." I hissed, ignoring the biting wind from Chicago's weather. The Windy City was not pleasant for anyone on the street, let alone the homeless people. Or maybe tonight was just especially cold. It wasn't even winter and I was halfway certain some of the people sitting by grates had frozen to death.
Because of course it would be freezing when I didn't have any plans for shelter and was fucking starving.
The only thing even remotely built for this sort of weather were my boots that were probably worn down enough that the protection for my feet would remain minimal at best, same as everything else. My fingers were frozen even as I shoved them into my pockets, but it was the best I could do.
It was gonna be hours till sunrise when it should start warming up enough that I could actually feel my toes. But at this rate, my worn clothes wouldn't be enough to prevent me from freezing to death if I didn't keep moving to try and stay warm.
"Fuck my life." I murmured as I continuously trudged through this damn city, for some reason beyond my understanding.
Still, I haven't been led wrong by my instincts before since coming to this world. Even if it felt like this time may result in my death, I needed to trust myself.
Now, if only that wasn't so infuriatingly difficult.
Just then I heard something that had become uncomfortably familiar in the past through years. Then it came again and again in a continuous stream. Gunshots.
My feet rooted my in place as I suddenly felt incredibly uncomfortably warm. Chicago was known for organized crime, but this wasn't the 1920s or 30s. No way could I somehow end up in the middle of a gang shootout in my first days here. Without thinking about it I broke into a run. No way was this going to happen.
"Jesus Christ help me!" A man shrieked in terror. Was that me screaming? Wordless screams rang out louder than the bullets along with the sound of cracking bones. I was screwed. Reincarnations were supposed to either punish or reward you depending on what you did, and right now it seemed like everyone above and below had decided to make it so I was in a living hell.
Each time my feet thumped against the ground sent a lance of pain through my body, I couldn't even tell if I was breathing. I wanted to beat my head against a wall for not paying attention to where I was, because the world seemed to be a jungle of brick walls and painted animals. Everything blurred before something squelched underneath my feet.
Bullet casings glinted in a puddle of blood. Their surfaces catching the beams of a fallen flashlight. I could hear the thud of a heart straining against its ribcage and crackling gasps of a dying man. A man lay on the pavement, crumpled and mangled to the point that his spine looked like crumpled paper. One hand gripped a smoking gun so tight that it stuck up in the air while the other twitched weakly. His pinky and ring finger had been ripped apart, leaving gory stumps where they should have been.
The man stared at me, half his jaw moving up and down to say something. Remaining fingers of his open hand twitching to point forward.
Our eyes met and I could see the image of a monster. A far too tall thing that had flesh like gnarled mossy wood and fingers bent like tree branches. Its mouth so full of teeth that it needed its face stretched out to fit them all, and eyes that were just soullesslighthouses of hate.
I saw it and felt the image burn into my brain to the point that it would never go away no matter how hard I tried to forget it.
The fallen man's flashlight gave off a bright beam that lit up his mangled body as the last gurgle of life left him. It went on, making the blood and gore glisten under it, and shone on the wall behind him. Lincoln Park Zoo sparkled and gold letters over the security guard.
An almost manic thought slammed into me before I held back a terrified laugh. No, that was wrong.
I was all alone in the zoo with a dead body and a monster somewhere in it. My heart slammed against my chest so fast I couldn't even hear a beat, just a single long tone that made my head ache. What do I do? Showing up with a dead guy would get me locked up somewhere. Were my fingerprints on file somewhere? With what happened to my old home they might have found them. Was I under investigation?
Cotton filled my skull, starving my brain while I stumbled in a daze. Do I run away? Whatever killed that guy might still be around, lurking in the trees, behind the tall grass. I stomped on the pavement, each step barelyregistering as my legs tingled. A monster was in the zoo. How do I even figure out what was going on?
My eyes strained against the darkness. Lampposts and trees studded the walls and paths of the zoo, but not even the buildings had any lights on to help me see. I almost stumbled into a board covered in posters with slogans I couldn't make out. I breathed in, my throat burned, straining against me. My stomach roared in my gut while my heart screeched at me to run or die. I pressed my back against the board, grateful for the cold despite it all. If my heart beat any faster my blood would boil me alive.
Every breath made me want to die, but I locked my eyes ahead. If the monster was still here it would definitely hear the racket my organs were making. That meant it was just me, the body, and a ridiculous number of animals. Lots of animals that could kill me, ones in cages.
Either an absolutely insane thought, or disturbingly rational one punched me in the head. Why does a monster kill a security guard in a zoo?
Because he saw it? Why would it be inthe zoo then?
My heart finally decided to slow down from Usain Bolt on meth to a Marathon runner about to die.
Animals.
I choked on air before managing to take a gulp. "Information desk?" There wouldn't be anyone here so that wouldn't be any help. Was there an administration building? With nothing in my stomach and not a single clue I ended up walking around the empty zoo without any way to figure out my problems.
The first thing I learned was that the Lincoln Park Zoo was monstrously huge. All the giant ass walls I saw were just for the inner section of the place. A humongous hole larger than most colleges that might as well have been carved in by a giant lay behind. And the thing had a sign labeling it a 'Pond' in bright reflective letters. Also, people didn't build zoos to be easy to find their way in, no, they definitely made these places to get them lost and spend the entire day looking for the way out.
Following the path I ended up on a trail curved more often that a fly's ramblings. More often then not I passed the same signed three times before finding somewhere else, and none of them had a map. Who need's a Primate House and a Center for African Apes. The second included the other!
Eventually I managed to find a giant building that some smartass had decided to call a 'cafe'. A set of stands had laminated pamphlets that glittered in the night light.
Dry papery hands came to my face as I wept. If I had even a slight chance of reading these in the dark I might find the place I needed. The wind blewright through me while I hunchedover the folded paper, threatening to rip it out of my grip. The map crinkled and expanded when I opened it, displaying the massive park in cartoon details. My eyes ached as I tried to read the list of locations. Farm, lagoon, seal pool. Eventually I found it tucked away in a corner, as if embarrassed that it existed.
Laflin Administrative Building.
Okay that would...be locked at this hour.
I beat my head against the stand, rattling it and the papers while Irepressed a scream of rage. Finally I groaned, heart beating slowly while I slumped to the ground. Maybe there was a place that the guard hadn't unlocked. If I touched the body for the keys I was screwed.
It took a long time beating the pavement to make my way over by the Information Center, and the only reason I hadn't frozen yet was due to the previous terror and all the moving I'd been doing. With the loss of the adrenaline I could feel myself crashing. By the time I was leaning against the glass doors my stomach had decided to give its death throws, begging me to finally eat. Past the glass I could make out a plastic sign with 'Closed' printed on it in letters big enough that I could see it. "Please be open," I groaned and reached for the handle. It rattled when I pulled on the blocky handle. My breath came out in a dry rattle when I pushed instead and nearly collapsed when it swung open.
"Thank you," I praised whatever weird force had decided to look out for me.
It wasn't any warmer inside of the Information Center, but the lack of wind definitely helped. A circular desk had been placed in the middle of the front room, complete with a rolling chair and monitors on it. If anyone went looking they'd definitely know I'd been here, but I didn't care at this point. I curled up in underneath the desk and started pulling at the drawers, hoping that someone had stashed their snacks there. My good Samaritanism earned me a bag of powdered donut holes and a cup of pudding, both almost frozen due to the cold. I'd probably be sick in the morning, but it was food and my stomach would devouritself out of spite if I didn't feed it something.
I couldn't really tell what elsehappened during the rest of the night, but I eventually passed out with enough white dust on me that I wouldfit in a commercial about drug use.
Frakir's brother
Goodbye.
- Location
- The Sea of Trees
I'll let the main authors know!
Frakir's brother
Goodbye.
- Location
- The Sea of Trees
-Chapter two is here for all you lurkers.
Screaming sirens woke me up from the cold and sugar induced coma. Almost immediately I learned to regret my actions. Pain seeped through my entire body, suffusing into every cell to let me know that yes sleeping underneath a desk is a horrible idea. Everything hurt, but it was nothing new for me. I stared at my feet, toes almost tingling to the point that they might fall off to start dancing in my boots. I wiped at my face, grimacing while crusted powder flaked off. What was the likelihood that a Chicago cop would think I was out of my mind on drugs if I told them about last night?
Unless there was secretly an MIB division within them to deal with that, or some kind of X-Files department it was 100%.
Which would probably either land me in jail if they decide I'm not deranged, or a mental hospital. I was not going to another of those places. Nope.
Monster in the zoo. Mental hospital.
Possible death or possible horrible pain and anguish...
Possible death it is. At least that would put an end to misery.
I sucked in my breath. If monsters existed then there were likely to bemonster hunters somewhere. So then, here's what I know. I got reincarnated into another world, Mom did some weird thing when I was young and disappeared, weird shit happens a bunch, and there are monsters. So given that I haven't gotten Owl letters from whatever the American equivalent to Hogwarts I was probably in a different kind of world. Please don't be Supernatural, God being an absentee dad who made everyone involved with him barely functioning assholes before fucking off with his evil older sister would be bad. Especially with the long string of apocalyptic shit that the series had each year.
If I was in a monster of the week police procedural I was almost definitely going to be one of those innocent bystander casualties. The homeless people in those shows always die horribly or end up in the legions of newly turned monster mooks.
So, I need to find a hunter. One who hopefully isn't openly psychotic like Anderson, being killed by an Irishman would be humiliating, and avoid getting thrown into a cell by the Chicago Police. I slowly got up and peaked over the desk's corner. Sunlight streamed in through the blinders, but the wide glass doors let me see the sun fairly high in the sky. In view of the information center were a whole load of cop cars and people rolling out that yellow tape that's always shown on TV. Vultures and other scavenging monsters held up cameras and microphones to get a paycheck from the suffering of others.
The body was where I had found it, hopefully without any noticeable boot prints that could get me screwed over. A fat man in a brown overcoat stood over it, his head bent to display a bald spot so huge I would have thought he was some kind of Monk in any other context. Next to him, almost tucked away due to the size disparity was a tiny blond woman who might as well have been swallowed up by the black trench coat she wore. The popped collar went up almost to her eyes while long blond hair covered up almost everything.
And kneeling between them was a guy in a leather long coat as if he had stepped off the set of a Hollywood Western. I blinked when the man stood up, dwarfing even the fat detective. Please don't be Sam from Supernatural. Everyone who meets those guys die horribly.
He put a fist to his chest, head bent as his free hand hovered over the body as if to shove the guy's soul back in it. Okay, not a Winchester. After a long moment he jolted upwards, huddling away like it the temperature had plummeted down to freezing.
Magic? Psychic powers? Both?
I was stuck there while the man started stomping around the crime scene.Changing his gait in weird ways to measure something. He aimed, shooting finger guns at the air with the kind of complete seriousness only an insane person or bizarre expert could bring.
Well, he was my best bet.
The man started walking away.
If the police saw me I was either going to get dragged away. I glanced behind me. A coat rack near the back several windbreakers with different titles stitched into them. VOLUNTEER stood out as one I could pass for. Worst comes to worst I'd probably be thrown out if I had that on.
And then they'd see the film and I might end up on the news.
Joy.
-
By the time I had made my way out the longcoat guy had disappeared, and it turned out I didn't need thewindbreaker. A murder had occurred and an active investigation was going on in the zoo with the paparazzi swarming it, and parents were still bringing Little Timmy to see the animals. Chicago must be incredibly used to gruesome murders.
...I'm not sure if that should inspire confidence in the local police or not.
Also, it is apparently a cake-walk to find investigators. All I had to do was head towards the screeching zoo staff and papers being flung everywhere. The previously mentioned cowboy giant ducked under binders of paper, dabbing at his shirt while coffee poured from it to form puddles on the ground.
He was super unlucky.
That made mine even worse didn't it?
I was going to step forward, but felt my blood try to go in reverse as a scary redhead in a pantsuit strode up to Mr. Detective. Probably evil lady? No way was I going to talk when she was around. Instead I did my best to not panic, walking by without breaking into a sprint. I didn't catch much of their conversation, but I did hear what sounded like a British accent.
Pantsuit, redhead, and British? This was definitely some kind of evil she-devil. I mean, British in an American urban fantasy screamed evil. Unless she was one of King Arthur's Knights, and I doubted this was Fate so genderbends are disbelieved until proven otherwise, she was definitely evil.
...Oh for the love of whatever God is out there don't let her be Morgan le Fay. Or if she is let her be the Morgan who made up with Arthur and isn't a psychotic Witch-Goddess.
Ignoring my fear of a potential brocon Witch-Goddess, the guy was a walking telephone pole, so I could pick him out from the crowd without much trouble.
Midday already had tons of people walking around the zoo, but enough people were avoiding the coffee stained giant that I could push out through the throng and head after him. "Hey wait, Cowboy coat!" He jerked back almost immediately. Did people call him that often? I almost immediately regretted calling. I got a whole lot of angry glaring from a guy who managed to make a longcoat, unshaven face, and basketball player build seem more threatening than the men with guns. "Ah," I shut my mouth.
He looked at me up and down, paying special attention to my pants and boots before sighing. "Runaway?"
The windbreaker hadn't helped then. "It's complicated, don't ask" I winced as I got to the reason I'd stopped him. "But you saw it too right? When you were over the body." Whatever vision came to me seemed to affect him too.
"Is everybody watching me lately," He threw his head back and sighed before suddenly focusing on me with all the intensity of a laser. "You saw the thing?"
"Not directly, but I might as well have.Corpse guy gave me a vision before croaking." The memory had been seared into my brain, as if I could ever forget. "Terrifying lumpy green monster with claws and fangs. Maybe female if you put melted a person made of wax." It had torn the man apart like he had been a doll, not even flinching from almost a dozen shots when he struggled against it.
Detective Tree Trunk closed his eyes and rubbed his forehead. "I'm Harry Dresden," definitely not Harry Potter then. "And if you managed to get enough of The Sight to discern all that you are in a lot more trouble than just being my only witness." My lips tightened as I bit the inside to repress a slight growl of irritation. Great, more weird shit in my life. Harry breathed in. "Okay, can you tell me anything else?"
"I think whatever it was is heading for the animals," I explained my theory. "They are the only valuable thing here, and it isn't like the monster took anything from the guy." Animals=sustenance. Though technically humans are animals so who knows how long it took until the thingdecided to up the ante.
"Animals," He started pacing in the direction of the gorilla building. "You can use their blood for a lot of things,plus organs." Harry started mumbling about totems and votive figures. Okay, I'm in a setting with some pretty blatant magic involved. And my only link to figuring this out is a supernatural detective. This was going to involve a lot of blood and fire wasn't it?
Harry glanced my way as we headed to the gorilla place. "Here is the short version you need to know. Different animals have mystical weight for rituals. Sometimes you need specific ones, or groups of a kind. It isn't always about power. Humans have more oomph to it, but rituals involving animals can't just have a human replace them. We can be used as extra fuel, but they'd still need the different parts for the ritual itself. Talents are better than non-Talents, and virgins tend to be better for this kind of thing."
Well that was...did anyone even think teenagers were virgins at this point? Or were we all considered to be horny rabbits? "So what is the plan then?"
"We talk to the local gorilla expert," Harry tugged at his stained shirt."Hopefully he doesn't go full Kong onus." The jolly giant just ensured we were going to end up with one of those people didn't he?
-
He had, he definitely had.
A tiny old man who was almost half as wide as he was tall shook his jowls and Einstein looking hair at us, barking expletives in the way only a scientist avoiding actual curse words could. His face got to red as he spewed out a vomit of words so fast his tiny spectaclesbounced up and down with each word. It was like watching a bizarre crossbreed of fantasy dwarf and pit bull go at someone's arm. "-This complete and utter travesty. I will have you know that a certain number of respectable patrons of our program who are not without great influence in this city and beyond. I shall not rest a single day nor second until I have conversed with every single one of-"
Did he breath?
No.
Was this a human?
"-you try to force this matter I will have each and every one of you involved in this matter fired and on the street or held up in courts until the earth is consumed in the expanding flames of the sun and-"
"It's a gorilla not a person," I hissed.
Blue eyes bulged out so far that they might pop out of explode in a shower of gore. "I will ha-"
"We know the gorilla didn't do it Dr. Reese" Harry smacked me over the back of the head.
And like that the old man deflated, face sagging in a grimace with his eyes locked to the ground. "Oh," He scratched the back of his head. "I see. Well, what happened to your shirt, and who are you?"
"My kid assistant/A volunteer."
We stared at each other. "Volunteer assistant, they gave him a coat. It is easy to lose these teenagers." Harry looked at his shirt. "And Doctor Weatherby is scarier than the birds of prey."
"Agreed," The Gorilla hugging doctor nodded. "I suppose," He paused and flicked his eye towards me before going back to Harry. "Would you like a beer? The boy could have, well I am sure there is something." Actually, I didn't drink so it was a nonissue, but explaining why would take too much time and involved interdimensional reincarnation so I just decided to stay quiet.
I made a promise. Not even death or whatever weird shitty universe I was now in was gonna change that.
Harry grinned. "Doc, we are going to get along just fine." Was this a Death Flag? It was definitely a Death Flag. Cool old professors always die in these things.
Please don't pull an Obi-Wan.
The doctor led us to his office. A place that looked almost like they hadknocked down the wall of a broom closet so they could set up a glass panel between it and the gorilla habitat. Instead of staring at the file cabinets stacked to make the actual walls almost invisible I ended up focusing on three hundred pound gorilla staring at us through the glass. What idiot designed this place?
Dr. Reese opened a fridge full of what looked like DNA samples, chemicals, and beer bottles. He mumbled to himself before picking out a can of root beer as well. Lucky fucker. I love root beer. Was this standard operating procedure for doctors? Or a sign of not playing by the rules? Because if it was the latter it was another Death Flag on this poor old coot.
Harry gave an abridged explanation to the guy that can be summarized as, "The perp wasn't human or gorilla."
The psychic-wizard-whatever took a swig of beer. "So, how do you explain how Sandsbourne's blood got on Moe?"
"No idea," Dr. Reese frowned. "But he couldn't have locked himself back in."
"Okay," Harry raised an eyebrow. "Who has access to plant the evidence then?"
"He wasn't in that enclosure," Dr. Reese jerked a thumb at the gorilla. "He was in the big one a level up with the rest of his family." The doctor chuckled. "And anyone trying to plant it there would be taking an awful risk."
"And why's that?" Harry leaned back.
"Group of giant several hundred pound gorillas," I deadpanned. "Have you seen Tarzan?"
The doctor rolled his eyes but nodded. "Adult males are incredibly territorial. In unfamiliar circumstances they might rip an intruder apart. Mr. Dresden, Moe here could snap your spine in two with one arm and barely any effort. " Harry got up and leaned close to the glass, staring at the gorilla. "He's very protective of his family."
"Uhuh," Harry nodded. "You treat him like a friend."
"I'd be lying if I said I was clinically detached. The truth is that I respect Moe for what he is. An animal yes, but he is not some monster like the public is treating him. And I will only let him be harmed after my body is cold and dead."
Huh. Guy was more reasonable than I gave him credit for... I should apologize.
"When," I caught myself before saying anything incrimination. "When you were around earlier, was anything unusual?"
I could apologize later. Right now, the monster in the zoo took priority.
Dr. Reese shook his head and took a long drink. "I'm terribly sorry, but it isn't often that I leave the lab these days. My assistant Will, would be more helpful. Will does all the walking and physical work these days." The old man tossed the bottle across the room, easily landing it in a trash can near the door. "If you will excuse me, there are some doors I need to get to knocking on. The city government needs grease for the wheels to turn." He put his coat on, heading to the door. "There are more drinks in the fridge. And please do not get me accused of giving alcohol to a minor."
If this guy died I was going to be more than a little sad.
Harry went to the fridge, somehow giving off the feeling of a guy who might as well have a rain cloud over his head. He wasn't even looking at me and I could see his eyes go glassy as he remembered something horrible before guzzling down half the bottle.
The door opened to let in a walking pile of boxes and paper. "Doctor I found the records of donations," A woman groaned. "I don't know why these haven't been put in a computer database." The two of us stared as a young woman with black pigtails and bottle green eyes made huge by wire rim glasses gawked at us. Was this a Velma? Who in the world wore their hair in pig-tails outside of porn?
A string of questions poured out of her mouth. "Who are you? You are drinking Dr. Reese's beer in Dr. Reese's office and he only shares that with people he likes. But you could have stolen it? Did you steal it? Oh no did someone tell you you could be here? What do-" Her eyes bulged just as much as the Doctor's did. Where did these people come from a human-goldfish crossbreeding lab? "You're him? The man who wants us to shoot Moe that everyone is ta-"
"We're the ones who are saying NOT to do that," I groaned.
Harry threw up his hands. "Look, I'm Harry, this is..." He trailed off, realizing he never asked my name.
"Arthur."
"Little Big Artie, we're here to talk to Dr. Reese's assistant Will."
Oh... Oh. It's gonna be like that is it? I will kick your shins all day long you fucking lighthouse.
"I think this is Will," I added. Vengeance could come later, but it would come.
Harry paused and smacked his lips. The woman was silent, but didn't object. "Oh," Harry face palmed.
"It's better than Willamena," She scrunched her nose up in distaste. "Yuck."
Oh, well this woman was hated by her parents. "Do you want a hug?" I held my arms out. She stared at the white stuff on my shirt. "Powdered donuts." When she sighed I continued, "And a line or 10." She choked on air, but Harry ignored that.
"The breakfast of champions," Harry held up his second beer. Was he smirking at me?
For the third time in under an hour Harry had to explain the situation so far. I had a new appreciation for cops and their patience. Having to do this all the time had to be grating. Will frowned at us. "So you do not think it is Moe, but you don't think it was human?"
Harry sighed. "It is complicated, but we need to know if there has been anything unusual."
Something flickered just in the corner of my eye. I blinked and turned to the doorway.
The still open doorway.
A doorway that had a giant fucking lion standing there in the dark. Eyes burning with green fire that cast shadows all over its face. "Harry," I grabbed his arm. The detective looked up and froze as he notice the giant African cat that was deciding on whether or not to eat us. I held a hand up. "Nice kitty. I'm sure you are hungry, but we aren't food. You can get a lot more over time if you go back."
"It doesn't think," He put a hand on Will's shoulder. "Will, you should look behind you. Art this is a binding spell, not a sapient cat. Totally different things." This world's Velma twisted around and nearly fell on the floor when she saw the giant murderbeast. Wait she had green eyes. This thing had green glowing shit. Probably evil and hopefully not Morgan London bitch had green eyes.
"I totally blame the Brit bitch." Witch, bitch, somehow I don't think the distinction mattered right now.
Harry blinked. "Di..." He paused for a split second. "Shit, I met her by the big cats section of the zoo." Oh it was totally that psycho bitch. British redheads are always evil unless it is the Potterverse or Fate.
The lion lunged forward, feet leaving the ground as it pounced. Dresden did the smart thing in this situation, he took a metal box from the filing cabinets and bashed it against the lion's face. Despite things like weight and common sense he sent the several hundred pound beast sprawling. It landed on all fours, shaking its head while we sprinted out the open door. I slammed it behind us but there was already the sound of claws on wood. No way was that going to hold.
Dresden dragged Will behind him. "Stairs run!"
We didn't even make it twenty feet from the door by the time a giant pissed off lion smashed through it headfirst. I was going to die by the hands of my namesake's favorite animal.
If Merlin was involved in this I was going to strangle the Devil's Bastard with my bare hands.
All of us sprinted down the halls, the cat just barely behind us when we rounded up a short flight of steps. Dresden flung a metal door open as the lion made to pounce on us again. The man's arm flew upwards. "Vento Servitas!" Instead of getting crushed underneath the pissed of King of Beasts a miniature tornado smashed into the lion, flinging it into the room behind Dresden so he could close it on the mind controlled murderbeast.
"Sirs," Will squeaked. "There's more."
I looked behind us and let out a groan as not one, not two, but five different murderbeasts with glowing green eyes covered the hallway.
The psycho witch was playing goddamn Pokemon with the deadliest predators on earth.
"Motherfucker."
Screaming sirens woke me up from the cold and sugar induced coma. Almost immediately I learned to regret my actions. Pain seeped through my entire body, suffusing into every cell to let me know that yes sleeping underneath a desk is a horrible idea. Everything hurt, but it was nothing new for me. I stared at my feet, toes almost tingling to the point that they might fall off to start dancing in my boots. I wiped at my face, grimacing while crusted powder flaked off. What was the likelihood that a Chicago cop would think I was out of my mind on drugs if I told them about last night?
Unless there was secretly an MIB division within them to deal with that, or some kind of X-Files department it was 100%.
Which would probably either land me in jail if they decide I'm not deranged, or a mental hospital. I was not going to another of those places. Nope.
Monster in the zoo. Mental hospital.
Possible death or possible horrible pain and anguish...
Possible death it is. At least that would put an end to misery.
I sucked in my breath. If monsters existed then there were likely to bemonster hunters somewhere. So then, here's what I know. I got reincarnated into another world, Mom did some weird thing when I was young and disappeared, weird shit happens a bunch, and there are monsters. So given that I haven't gotten Owl letters from whatever the American equivalent to Hogwarts I was probably in a different kind of world. Please don't be Supernatural, God being an absentee dad who made everyone involved with him barely functioning assholes before fucking off with his evil older sister would be bad. Especially with the long string of apocalyptic shit that the series had each year.
If I was in a monster of the week police procedural I was almost definitely going to be one of those innocent bystander casualties. The homeless people in those shows always die horribly or end up in the legions of newly turned monster mooks.
So, I need to find a hunter. One who hopefully isn't openly psychotic like Anderson, being killed by an Irishman would be humiliating, and avoid getting thrown into a cell by the Chicago Police. I slowly got up and peaked over the desk's corner. Sunlight streamed in through the blinders, but the wide glass doors let me see the sun fairly high in the sky. In view of the information center were a whole load of cop cars and people rolling out that yellow tape that's always shown on TV. Vultures and other scavenging monsters held up cameras and microphones to get a paycheck from the suffering of others.
The body was where I had found it, hopefully without any noticeable boot prints that could get me screwed over. A fat man in a brown overcoat stood over it, his head bent to display a bald spot so huge I would have thought he was some kind of Monk in any other context. Next to him, almost tucked away due to the size disparity was a tiny blond woman who might as well have been swallowed up by the black trench coat she wore. The popped collar went up almost to her eyes while long blond hair covered up almost everything.
And kneeling between them was a guy in a leather long coat as if he had stepped off the set of a Hollywood Western. I blinked when the man stood up, dwarfing even the fat detective. Please don't be Sam from Supernatural. Everyone who meets those guys die horribly.
He put a fist to his chest, head bent as his free hand hovered over the body as if to shove the guy's soul back in it. Okay, not a Winchester. After a long moment he jolted upwards, huddling away like it the temperature had plummeted down to freezing.
Magic? Psychic powers? Both?
I was stuck there while the man started stomping around the crime scene.Changing his gait in weird ways to measure something. He aimed, shooting finger guns at the air with the kind of complete seriousness only an insane person or bizarre expert could bring.
Well, he was my best bet.
The man started walking away.
If the police saw me I was either going to get dragged away. I glanced behind me. A coat rack near the back several windbreakers with different titles stitched into them. VOLUNTEER stood out as one I could pass for. Worst comes to worst I'd probably be thrown out if I had that on.
And then they'd see the film and I might end up on the news.
Joy.
-
By the time I had made my way out the longcoat guy had disappeared, and it turned out I didn't need thewindbreaker. A murder had occurred and an active investigation was going on in the zoo with the paparazzi swarming it, and parents were still bringing Little Timmy to see the animals. Chicago must be incredibly used to gruesome murders.
...I'm not sure if that should inspire confidence in the local police or not.
Also, it is apparently a cake-walk to find investigators. All I had to do was head towards the screeching zoo staff and papers being flung everywhere. The previously mentioned cowboy giant ducked under binders of paper, dabbing at his shirt while coffee poured from it to form puddles on the ground.
He was super unlucky.
That made mine even worse didn't it?
I was going to step forward, but felt my blood try to go in reverse as a scary redhead in a pantsuit strode up to Mr. Detective. Probably evil lady? No way was I going to talk when she was around. Instead I did my best to not panic, walking by without breaking into a sprint. I didn't catch much of their conversation, but I did hear what sounded like a British accent.
Pantsuit, redhead, and British? This was definitely some kind of evil she-devil. I mean, British in an American urban fantasy screamed evil. Unless she was one of King Arthur's Knights, and I doubted this was Fate so genderbends are disbelieved until proven otherwise, she was definitely evil.
...Oh for the love of whatever God is out there don't let her be Morgan le Fay. Or if she is let her be the Morgan who made up with Arthur and isn't a psychotic Witch-Goddess.
Ignoring my fear of a potential brocon Witch-Goddess, the guy was a walking telephone pole, so I could pick him out from the crowd without much trouble.
Midday already had tons of people walking around the zoo, but enough people were avoiding the coffee stained giant that I could push out through the throng and head after him. "Hey wait, Cowboy coat!" He jerked back almost immediately. Did people call him that often? I almost immediately regretted calling. I got a whole lot of angry glaring from a guy who managed to make a longcoat, unshaven face, and basketball player build seem more threatening than the men with guns. "Ah," I shut my mouth.
He looked at me up and down, paying special attention to my pants and boots before sighing. "Runaway?"
The windbreaker hadn't helped then. "It's complicated, don't ask" I winced as I got to the reason I'd stopped him. "But you saw it too right? When you were over the body." Whatever vision came to me seemed to affect him too.
"Is everybody watching me lately," He threw his head back and sighed before suddenly focusing on me with all the intensity of a laser. "You saw the thing?"
"Not directly, but I might as well have.Corpse guy gave me a vision before croaking." The memory had been seared into my brain, as if I could ever forget. "Terrifying lumpy green monster with claws and fangs. Maybe female if you put melted a person made of wax." It had torn the man apart like he had been a doll, not even flinching from almost a dozen shots when he struggled against it.
Detective Tree Trunk closed his eyes and rubbed his forehead. "I'm Harry Dresden," definitely not Harry Potter then. "And if you managed to get enough of The Sight to discern all that you are in a lot more trouble than just being my only witness." My lips tightened as I bit the inside to repress a slight growl of irritation. Great, more weird shit in my life. Harry breathed in. "Okay, can you tell me anything else?"
"I think whatever it was is heading for the animals," I explained my theory. "They are the only valuable thing here, and it isn't like the monster took anything from the guy." Animals=sustenance. Though technically humans are animals so who knows how long it took until the thingdecided to up the ante.
"Animals," He started pacing in the direction of the gorilla building. "You can use their blood for a lot of things,plus organs." Harry started mumbling about totems and votive figures. Okay, I'm in a setting with some pretty blatant magic involved. And my only link to figuring this out is a supernatural detective. This was going to involve a lot of blood and fire wasn't it?
Harry glanced my way as we headed to the gorilla place. "Here is the short version you need to know. Different animals have mystical weight for rituals. Sometimes you need specific ones, or groups of a kind. It isn't always about power. Humans have more oomph to it, but rituals involving animals can't just have a human replace them. We can be used as extra fuel, but they'd still need the different parts for the ritual itself. Talents are better than non-Talents, and virgins tend to be better for this kind of thing."
Well that was...did anyone even think teenagers were virgins at this point? Or were we all considered to be horny rabbits? "So what is the plan then?"
"We talk to the local gorilla expert," Harry tugged at his stained shirt."Hopefully he doesn't go full Kong onus." The jolly giant just ensured we were going to end up with one of those people didn't he?
-
He had, he definitely had.
A tiny old man who was almost half as wide as he was tall shook his jowls and Einstein looking hair at us, barking expletives in the way only a scientist avoiding actual curse words could. His face got to red as he spewed out a vomit of words so fast his tiny spectaclesbounced up and down with each word. It was like watching a bizarre crossbreed of fantasy dwarf and pit bull go at someone's arm. "-This complete and utter travesty. I will have you know that a certain number of respectable patrons of our program who are not without great influence in this city and beyond. I shall not rest a single day nor second until I have conversed with every single one of-"
Did he breath?
No.
Was this a human?
"-you try to force this matter I will have each and every one of you involved in this matter fired and on the street or held up in courts until the earth is consumed in the expanding flames of the sun and-"
"It's a gorilla not a person," I hissed.
Blue eyes bulged out so far that they might pop out of explode in a shower of gore. "I will ha-"
"We know the gorilla didn't do it Dr. Reese" Harry smacked me over the back of the head.
And like that the old man deflated, face sagging in a grimace with his eyes locked to the ground. "Oh," He scratched the back of his head. "I see. Well, what happened to your shirt, and who are you?"
"My kid assistant/A volunteer."
We stared at each other. "Volunteer assistant, they gave him a coat. It is easy to lose these teenagers." Harry looked at his shirt. "And Doctor Weatherby is scarier than the birds of prey."
"Agreed," The Gorilla hugging doctor nodded. "I suppose," He paused and flicked his eye towards me before going back to Harry. "Would you like a beer? The boy could have, well I am sure there is something." Actually, I didn't drink so it was a nonissue, but explaining why would take too much time and involved interdimensional reincarnation so I just decided to stay quiet.
I made a promise. Not even death or whatever weird shitty universe I was now in was gonna change that.
Harry grinned. "Doc, we are going to get along just fine." Was this a Death Flag? It was definitely a Death Flag. Cool old professors always die in these things.
Please don't pull an Obi-Wan.
The doctor led us to his office. A place that looked almost like they hadknocked down the wall of a broom closet so they could set up a glass panel between it and the gorilla habitat. Instead of staring at the file cabinets stacked to make the actual walls almost invisible I ended up focusing on three hundred pound gorilla staring at us through the glass. What idiot designed this place?
Dr. Reese opened a fridge full of what looked like DNA samples, chemicals, and beer bottles. He mumbled to himself before picking out a can of root beer as well. Lucky fucker. I love root beer. Was this standard operating procedure for doctors? Or a sign of not playing by the rules? Because if it was the latter it was another Death Flag on this poor old coot.
Harry gave an abridged explanation to the guy that can be summarized as, "The perp wasn't human or gorilla."
The psychic-wizard-whatever took a swig of beer. "So, how do you explain how Sandsbourne's blood got on Moe?"
"No idea," Dr. Reese frowned. "But he couldn't have locked himself back in."
"Okay," Harry raised an eyebrow. "Who has access to plant the evidence then?"
"He wasn't in that enclosure," Dr. Reese jerked a thumb at the gorilla. "He was in the big one a level up with the rest of his family." The doctor chuckled. "And anyone trying to plant it there would be taking an awful risk."
"And why's that?" Harry leaned back.
"Group of giant several hundred pound gorillas," I deadpanned. "Have you seen Tarzan?"
The doctor rolled his eyes but nodded. "Adult males are incredibly territorial. In unfamiliar circumstances they might rip an intruder apart. Mr. Dresden, Moe here could snap your spine in two with one arm and barely any effort. " Harry got up and leaned close to the glass, staring at the gorilla. "He's very protective of his family."
"Uhuh," Harry nodded. "You treat him like a friend."
"I'd be lying if I said I was clinically detached. The truth is that I respect Moe for what he is. An animal yes, but he is not some monster like the public is treating him. And I will only let him be harmed after my body is cold and dead."
Huh. Guy was more reasonable than I gave him credit for... I should apologize.
"When," I caught myself before saying anything incrimination. "When you were around earlier, was anything unusual?"
I could apologize later. Right now, the monster in the zoo took priority.
Dr. Reese shook his head and took a long drink. "I'm terribly sorry, but it isn't often that I leave the lab these days. My assistant Will, would be more helpful. Will does all the walking and physical work these days." The old man tossed the bottle across the room, easily landing it in a trash can near the door. "If you will excuse me, there are some doors I need to get to knocking on. The city government needs grease for the wheels to turn." He put his coat on, heading to the door. "There are more drinks in the fridge. And please do not get me accused of giving alcohol to a minor."
If this guy died I was going to be more than a little sad.
Harry went to the fridge, somehow giving off the feeling of a guy who might as well have a rain cloud over his head. He wasn't even looking at me and I could see his eyes go glassy as he remembered something horrible before guzzling down half the bottle.
The door opened to let in a walking pile of boxes and paper. "Doctor I found the records of donations," A woman groaned. "I don't know why these haven't been put in a computer database." The two of us stared as a young woman with black pigtails and bottle green eyes made huge by wire rim glasses gawked at us. Was this a Velma? Who in the world wore their hair in pig-tails outside of porn?
A string of questions poured out of her mouth. "Who are you? You are drinking Dr. Reese's beer in Dr. Reese's office and he only shares that with people he likes. But you could have stolen it? Did you steal it? Oh no did someone tell you you could be here? What do-" Her eyes bulged just as much as the Doctor's did. Where did these people come from a human-goldfish crossbreeding lab? "You're him? The man who wants us to shoot Moe that everyone is ta-"
"We're the ones who are saying NOT to do that," I groaned.
Harry threw up his hands. "Look, I'm Harry, this is..." He trailed off, realizing he never asked my name.
"Arthur."
"Little Big Artie, we're here to talk to Dr. Reese's assistant Will."
Oh... Oh. It's gonna be like that is it? I will kick your shins all day long you fucking lighthouse.
"I think this is Will," I added. Vengeance could come later, but it would come.
Harry paused and smacked his lips. The woman was silent, but didn't object. "Oh," Harry face palmed.
"It's better than Willamena," She scrunched her nose up in distaste. "Yuck."
Oh, well this woman was hated by her parents. "Do you want a hug?" I held my arms out. She stared at the white stuff on my shirt. "Powdered donuts." When she sighed I continued, "And a line or 10." She choked on air, but Harry ignored that.
"The breakfast of champions," Harry held up his second beer. Was he smirking at me?
For the third time in under an hour Harry had to explain the situation so far. I had a new appreciation for cops and their patience. Having to do this all the time had to be grating. Will frowned at us. "So you do not think it is Moe, but you don't think it was human?"
Harry sighed. "It is complicated, but we need to know if there has been anything unusual."
Something flickered just in the corner of my eye. I blinked and turned to the doorway.
The still open doorway.
A doorway that had a giant fucking lion standing there in the dark. Eyes burning with green fire that cast shadows all over its face. "Harry," I grabbed his arm. The detective looked up and froze as he notice the giant African cat that was deciding on whether or not to eat us. I held a hand up. "Nice kitty. I'm sure you are hungry, but we aren't food. You can get a lot more over time if you go back."
"It doesn't think," He put a hand on Will's shoulder. "Will, you should look behind you. Art this is a binding spell, not a sapient cat. Totally different things." This world's Velma twisted around and nearly fell on the floor when she saw the giant murderbeast. Wait she had green eyes. This thing had green glowing shit. Probably evil and hopefully not Morgan London bitch had green eyes.
"I totally blame the Brit bitch." Witch, bitch, somehow I don't think the distinction mattered right now.
Harry blinked. "Di..." He paused for a split second. "Shit, I met her by the big cats section of the zoo." Oh it was totally that psycho bitch. British redheads are always evil unless it is the Potterverse or Fate.
The lion lunged forward, feet leaving the ground as it pounced. Dresden did the smart thing in this situation, he took a metal box from the filing cabinets and bashed it against the lion's face. Despite things like weight and common sense he sent the several hundred pound beast sprawling. It landed on all fours, shaking its head while we sprinted out the open door. I slammed it behind us but there was already the sound of claws on wood. No way was that going to hold.
Dresden dragged Will behind him. "Stairs run!"
We didn't even make it twenty feet from the door by the time a giant pissed off lion smashed through it headfirst. I was going to die by the hands of my namesake's favorite animal.
If Merlin was involved in this I was going to strangle the Devil's Bastard with my bare hands.
All of us sprinted down the halls, the cat just barely behind us when we rounded up a short flight of steps. Dresden flung a metal door open as the lion made to pounce on us again. The man's arm flew upwards. "Vento Servitas!" Instead of getting crushed underneath the pissed of King of Beasts a miniature tornado smashed into the lion, flinging it into the room behind Dresden so he could close it on the mind controlled murderbeast.
"Sirs," Will squeaked. "There's more."
I looked behind us and let out a groan as not one, not two, but five different murderbeasts with glowing green eyes covered the hallway.
The psycho witch was playing goddamn Pokemon with the deadliest predators on earth.
"Motherfucker."
Frakir's brother
Goodbye.
- Location
- The Sea of Trees
So, in under 24 hours I go from broke, homeless, and freezing to death to being in the middle of a magical murder mystery about to be nommed on by a bunch of overgrown jungle pussycats. Can't say I expected that to happen this week, let alone this lifetime, but I can't say that I'm really surprised. My reincarnation up until this point had been nightmarish, so this was just adding in more weird dream logic. This and more complaints about how shitty this situation was ran through my mind so fast that time seemed to slow down. I could see the muscles moving underneath each feline's fur, tensing before they would pounce to rip my throat out.
Two of the beasts, a tiger and something else that was about as orange without the stripes took our pause of shock to leap at Harry. The beanstalk threw up one arm, like a thin tree branch waving at the bulldozer about to utterly wreck it. An almost invisible shield of something lit up between him and the jungle cats, both of them smashing into it face first with blood flowing out of their snouts. Just in time for a third to sprint around us for another attack. I ducked, barely avoiding the fourth jungle cat as it skidded across the stone floor. "I thought these things didn't fight in packs!"
"They're hexed," Harry thrust out a hand. Electricity crackled in the air before an eye-searing blast of electricity ripped through hall. It hit the tiger in the face, sending it sprawling before it shook its head. I call bullshit on that. Harry growled while trying to keep his eyes on all the murderous jungle animals. "Someone pull the fire alarm."
I didn't know what that would do to help, but my eyes locked on the closest red box I could see. A full-maned lion growled, claws clicking against the floor as it burst forward. Another gusts of wind slammed into the creature from the side, just barely moving it off course. Magic definitely wasn't one of those prepared things here. I reached the fire alarm and yanked down on the handle. Old-timey alarms rang, high pitched metal Bringing went off right next to my ear while the giant cats yowled in pain. Sprinklers went off, dousing all of them in water as Harry sprinted towards us. "Run run run!"
All of the animals were screeching and blinking, eyes no longer bright green in the dark. But that didn't mean that they weren't murderous shits. A very pissed off tiger glared at me, yellow eyes glinting as it misremembered what just happened. "Nice kitty," I screamed while booking it after Dresden. "It was the mean giant not me!"
"I'll rip your damn springs out Tigger!" Harry roared. "And don't throw me to the lions." As he added that the animals started trotting off. Only the tiger glancing our way with its murderous gaze. My jaw almost fell to the floor as the murdercats headed towards the tiger exhibit. This was bizarre on so many levels.
The familiar sound of a trashcan rattling came from behind us. Harry's head twisted, scanning the area before he raised an eyebrow. "Will?" How did a Zookeeper get the idea of the usual homeless defense mechanism? A drenched trashcan lid slipped onto the ground before a pig-tailed woman popped about an eighth of her head out to look. What was this Scooby Doo? Oh shit, who did that make me? Daphne?
Will stood up, chest heaving in relief as she clasped her hands together while her eyes got watery with terrified tears. "Thank Goodness, Mr. Dresden, um Arthur, are the animals alright? Did any of them get hurt."
Dresden and I stared at her. The giant bent forward as if he had just been gut-punched. "Did any of them get hurt?"
I blew out enough air to send Odysseus flying home. "Lady, we get cornered by the world's most deadly predators. And, when we somehow survive you ask if the murder cats get hurt?" She blinked. "You are a crazy bitch, and I am never going to a zoo again if the people running it are like you."
"There is a pack of tiger, and lions, oh my out on the loose in a zoo full of people," Dresden deadpanned. "What is wrong with you people?"
-
The fallout of a murder can't get a zoo closed, but the present threat of getting eaten by a tiger apparently is enough to get even Chicago people to evacuate people and put police tape around the gates. Which you know, would be way better at the start of a crime investigation instead of letting who knows how many people in when there was several city blocks to search for evidence. I was not going to ask any policemen about that, mainly because I didn't want a flashlight braining me in the back of the head. I'm snarky not stupid.
All the while a fleet of news vans congested the already clogged arteries of the zoo's parking lot. Every vulture in the city swooping in to pick a nice spot and chance for prime meat. One by a van with a logo I didn't recognize looked like Willy Wonka's Oompa Loompa lovechild. A rail thin stick figure with goddamn orange hair and even darker skin in a purple suit and tie. I didn't know people made clothes like that without it intentionally being meant to look like The Joker.
Camera men, some of them actually wearing their hats backward, were filming everything in sight. Their reporters all giving off enough smell from their perfumes to make the place smell like a flower shop gone wrong. Packed crowds brought up the temperature, making the overly sweet perfumes mix with B.O until I could taste the awfulness just by breathing.
Harry wasn't interested in that though. Instead he had us in front of one of the zoo's office buildings. The wizard smiled. "You know what my favorite magic trick is?" I glanced at the possibly insane spellcaster. He reached into his duster and pulled a crowbar out. Why hadn't he used that on the big cats? "Nobody expects the crowbar."
"U-ah I don't think this is legal," Will stepped behind Dresden.
The man laughed. "Will, Artie boy, We're the police. Everything we do is legal." If we ended up planting evidence I was going to jump out a window.
Just my luck I somehow end up working with Magic Cop Nixon.
Harry pried open the office building's back door with a practiced pull that I imagined had to come from years of B&Es. This guy was on the payroll of the police. The Chicago Police, but still the police. What else did they have him do?
Will stared at him, her eyes bulging behind her thick glasses. "Are you certain this is legal?"
He sighed without breaking step. "Don't worry, it was open when I came in." That, while technically true, was about as close to a bald-faced lie as one could get. What was up with this city? The one guy who could help me figure out what was going on, and he was a crazy half-criminal wizard.
Someone had apparently decided to turn off all the lights, because the office building was almost pitch black inside. All the windows had to be attached to the actual offices, because the hallway didn't even have the faintest sliver of bright light from anywhere other than the door. I flinched when Harry shut the door, making everything seem to get cast in dark blue.
There wasn't the usual zoo smell to the building, but the stench of must clung to everything. Rugs that didn't look like they had gotten a thorough cleaning this decade covered hardwood floors that creaked with every step that got too close to the cushiony edges. Furniture like coatracks and tables cluttered the hall so we all had to walk single file. I didn't need to be a health inspector to know that this was a damn fire-hazard.
Or the zombie rugs would smother the fire with wet mold. But that was another problem.
Dresden hummed as we went along, eyes scanning the doors without a sign of issue. Detectives apparently have great nightvision. He strode to one of the thick wood doors and jammed the crowbar back in. The guy got a lot of use out of it, because this one got opened just as easily as the last. If there was a competition in this kind of thing he might win.
Though it would come with a pair of handcuffs.
"So whose office is this?" I piped up.
"Crazy scary cat scientist," Dresden strolled on, hands in pockets to keep from touching anything. The look was ridiculous since the crowbar stuck out at an angle, swinging with each step. "What would you bet there's a corpse here or someone else that she stays?" He idly poked at a shutter door closet with the tool.
I took a step in and could feel the change immediately. Goosebumps spread over my everything, hairs standing on end as everything seemed to be wrong for no reason.
Harry opened up the closet to reveal rack upon rack of brown suit jackets. "This is a crime against mankind," I deadpanned.
"Most women can't pull off pantsuits," Harry frowned. "And I think that is literally the only outfit she has." He fished through his shirt, pulling out a necklace. The moment it got level with his right eye a pentagram medallion blazed with silver-blue light that cast the wizard's face half-and-half in light and shadow.
More light streamed into the room, the floor giving off the scent of ammonia as a circle appeared with sickly green-yellow aura. Weird moon symbols and letters from a language I didn't know lined both sides of the circle while a triangle had been drawn in the middle, with a circle, triangle, and square taking up a spot in each corner.
A filing cabinet shook, more of the strange lettering burning into the top drawer while a rainbow aura surrounded it.
I blinked. "Normally I don't think scary witch bitches put rainbows on their shit. Normally more piss yellow, Wicked Witch green, and Sith red." Harry raised an eyebrow.
Will's gaze flicked between us. "What are you talking about? Why is Mr. Dresden's necklace glowing?"
"It's for raves," Harry lied through his teeth. He shrugged and hooked the crowbar through a file cabinet's handle. "Let's see." The wheels screeched as he pulled it open. "Bingo." The musty smell in the room transformed into a nauseating stench of decay.
My stomach twisted, gag reflex rioting against being in this room. I leaned forward, holding onto my nose so I could see whatever it was in the dark. Getting closer made the feeling of unease get worse. My skin dried up and tears turned into salt while I stared at half a dozen claw pots. Each one had a dark fluid in it, catching what little light was in the room on their surfaces as the liquid shook inside.
I didn't need to smell the metallic tang in the air to know what it was.
Harry slipped one of the jars in his pocket. "We should be going now." I looked at the evil ritual circle on the floor and weird sacrificial jars full of stuff the doctor shouldn't have and definitely violated some kind of biohazard law. The grouchy brown giant shoved his hands in his pockets and left, crowbar disappearing into it somewhere.
If his jacket was one big set of Bags of Holding I would forgive the fact that he just walks around with a crowbar.
"Can't we go to the police with the evidence?" Will asked.
"Because he has the same ideas as Nixon when it comes to doing things legally?" I snorted.
Harry cricked his neck, making a series of popping sounds. "And Murphy can't get a search warrant on the evidence I've got."
Gee, I wonder why.
"Murder ritual on the floor and definite signs of abusing her authority in the cabinet," I counted off on two fingers. "Oh, and reasonable suspicion because it smells like death in there." I held up a third.
"We need warrants to have things be admissible."
...Take a deep breath, don't punch the Wizard with the crowbar. He doesn't know who he's being condescending to. No one would.
While I may not have graduated law school in my previous life on account of that damn ice patch, I was not dumb enough to need something that obvious stated to me. Even if the memories of that life were slightly fuzzy due to age and overlap.
Still, playing Devil's Advocate is a position to take. Might help things and in the worst case I get a little more info on how this Wizard not named Potter thinks.
"Dead body smell definitely counts as probable cause," I grimaced in disgust. "Here's an idea. Means: Probably has keys to different places here. Motive: Security guard sees her drawing blood or carrying some of it in the middle of the night like a creeper. Opportunity: Two people at night. Ferocious redheaded murder lady beats the shit out of him." Boom. Slam dunk.
"Some weird shit in her room isn't enough evidence to get a conviction," He rolled his eyes. I repressed a snort. Tell that to all the idiots arrested for happy powder in their rooms. Not realizing the genius of my wit, Harry continued. "And then we've got a murderous witch throwing around Entropy curses and other shit to ruin our days."
...Wait, Entropy curses? As in "potential heat death of the universe entropy"? Fuuuuuuck. Swallowing my fear about being subject to an Entropy curse as best I could, I followed Harry.
The sun was setting when we finally got out of the building. Chicago smog and thick clouds made the autumn sky a mess of red and orange. The cold air and craggily trees that had their skeletal branches spread out didn't help the scene much. Unless you wanted it to be horror movie set, because if so it was fucking perfect.
A stray gust of wind blew what little leaves one tree had off. Scary Not-Morgan walked down the path between us and the zoo exit. She smiled, purple lipstick making it seem wider than it possibly should be. "My ears are itching. There's an old superstition that says that when that happens, it's because someone is talking about you." Pale green eyes turned up to glare at the two of us, dark eyebrows arching up. It was like someone had written a textbook on 'How to Scream: I'm Evil' and made an entire college course on it.
More wind blew the leaves past her to further emphasize being Obviously Evil. Did witches do this for dramatic effect or something?
She did it. She definitely did it. There is no fucking way that the universe would shit this person into existence without her being automatically evil.
Harry tilted his head, looking down his nose at the much sorter mage. "Probably the Media. I imagine all of them wants to talk about who was on the job when all those big murder cats decided to try out the long pig."
She chuckled. "Oh, They've all been rounded up about now." The psycho bitch in charge of big cats was obviously the reason. Why did she use the ones that implicate her? Was evil normally that insane?
"Doesn't matter," Harry glowered at her, lips turned into an upside-down U. "The story is too good to let it rest."
"One of the keepers is new. I imagine the fault lies with him." A keeper she definitely was in charge of if she was head of Jungle Cat research or whatever it was.
Harry hummed. "I'm sure he'll agree with the boss lady. That's what people do after all."
Her smiled widened, threatening to crack her face apart. "Thus far, no one has been able to locate him." There was a chopped up body in the sewers somewhere. This witch knew my face and I was screwed.
Holy shit I need to stay with Wizard Nixon until she's locked up in Azkaban or whatever it is wizards do with evil witches. The two of them continued their totally nonthreatening conversation as zookeepers and policemen passed by.
"Wow, the bodycount sure is going up here. Wonder how the life insurance is?"
"Are you an accountant?"
"I work in accounts payable." What is he even saying?
"Doing what, preceisely?"
"I make sure everyone gets what's coming to them." Harry, no! Bad Giant! Don't threaten the obviously evil witch. This is how you get Hitchcock's The Birds to happen to your ass. Was I going to die due to being with him, or would I die without having Gandalf the Grunge?
For the first time in the entire conversation I saw the woman's teeth. "A word to the wise, Mr. Dresden. Don't allow your work to consume your life. Men have died that way." If this person wasn't the culprit I was going to file a complaint with whatever cosmic beings were involved in this world. That pun was awful. Also, someone who acted like Palpatine when it came to being the villain not being the villain would be too much for my already strained sanity.
Harry grinned, actually grinned at the murderous witch. "Has that line actually worked before? Gosh you're cute." Goddammit Harry, fuck off with the jokes.
We were all going to die.
Maybe not now, but Harry was going to piss off someone in the future and he would be utterly screwed.
Instead of continuing the conversation the witch turned on her heel and walked away. "Good evening, Mr. Dresden." We were going to be attacked again by the time midnight rolled around. Will peeked her head out from behind Dresden. "And you Miss Rogers." Scary Not-Morgan turned her head and glanced my way. Her brows furrowed. "And…I'm sorry I never caught your name."
"I don't give my name to dangerous strangers, something about candy and unmarked white vans were in that lesson too," I took a step back, keeping Dresden closer to her than I was. Hooray for human shields taller than me. She grimaced and continued on.
Will held onto her arms. "Did she just threaten you?"
"Yup."
"Doesn't that scare you?"
"Nah, everyone does that."
I stared at him. "Ever wonder why?" Everyone? Maybe this man wasn't the best way to save my miserable life. But since the only other alternative was Not-Morgan or going it alone, it's not like I have much choice.
"My wonderful personality," He chuckled. "Gets them every time." We were all going to die. And I'll make sure to be strangling Harry as we go.
Ignoring my murderous thoughts towards Harry, I glanced at Will. "By the way. You are definitely on her hit list now." Will was silent, but her eyes widened to the point that they might as well be saucepans. Poor girl.
Harry sighed, shoulders slumping as he thought about something. "Well, I'm hungry, and I doubt splitting up the Gang is a good idea. So, burgers then we all go to my place." Anywhere which wasn't underneath a security desk or in an alley was good in my books.
...I'm about to follow a strange man in a trenchcoat to his home for the promise of warmth and food... Maybe those lessons didn't stick as well as I thought.
Two of the beasts, a tiger and something else that was about as orange without the stripes took our pause of shock to leap at Harry. The beanstalk threw up one arm, like a thin tree branch waving at the bulldozer about to utterly wreck it. An almost invisible shield of something lit up between him and the jungle cats, both of them smashing into it face first with blood flowing out of their snouts. Just in time for a third to sprint around us for another attack. I ducked, barely avoiding the fourth jungle cat as it skidded across the stone floor. "I thought these things didn't fight in packs!"
"They're hexed," Harry thrust out a hand. Electricity crackled in the air before an eye-searing blast of electricity ripped through hall. It hit the tiger in the face, sending it sprawling before it shook its head. I call bullshit on that. Harry growled while trying to keep his eyes on all the murderous jungle animals. "Someone pull the fire alarm."
I didn't know what that would do to help, but my eyes locked on the closest red box I could see. A full-maned lion growled, claws clicking against the floor as it burst forward. Another gusts of wind slammed into the creature from the side, just barely moving it off course. Magic definitely wasn't one of those prepared things here. I reached the fire alarm and yanked down on the handle. Old-timey alarms rang, high pitched metal Bringing went off right next to my ear while the giant cats yowled in pain. Sprinklers went off, dousing all of them in water as Harry sprinted towards us. "Run run run!"
All of the animals were screeching and blinking, eyes no longer bright green in the dark. But that didn't mean that they weren't murderous shits. A very pissed off tiger glared at me, yellow eyes glinting as it misremembered what just happened. "Nice kitty," I screamed while booking it after Dresden. "It was the mean giant not me!"
"I'll rip your damn springs out Tigger!" Harry roared. "And don't throw me to the lions." As he added that the animals started trotting off. Only the tiger glancing our way with its murderous gaze. My jaw almost fell to the floor as the murdercats headed towards the tiger exhibit. This was bizarre on so many levels.
The familiar sound of a trashcan rattling came from behind us. Harry's head twisted, scanning the area before he raised an eyebrow. "Will?" How did a Zookeeper get the idea of the usual homeless defense mechanism? A drenched trashcan lid slipped onto the ground before a pig-tailed woman popped about an eighth of her head out to look. What was this Scooby Doo? Oh shit, who did that make me? Daphne?
Will stood up, chest heaving in relief as she clasped her hands together while her eyes got watery with terrified tears. "Thank Goodness, Mr. Dresden, um Arthur, are the animals alright? Did any of them get hurt."
Dresden and I stared at her. The giant bent forward as if he had just been gut-punched. "Did any of them get hurt?"
I blew out enough air to send Odysseus flying home. "Lady, we get cornered by the world's most deadly predators. And, when we somehow survive you ask if the murder cats get hurt?" She blinked. "You are a crazy bitch, and I am never going to a zoo again if the people running it are like you."
"There is a pack of tiger, and lions, oh my out on the loose in a zoo full of people," Dresden deadpanned. "What is wrong with you people?"
-
The fallout of a murder can't get a zoo closed, but the present threat of getting eaten by a tiger apparently is enough to get even Chicago people to evacuate people and put police tape around the gates. Which you know, would be way better at the start of a crime investigation instead of letting who knows how many people in when there was several city blocks to search for evidence. I was not going to ask any policemen about that, mainly because I didn't want a flashlight braining me in the back of the head. I'm snarky not stupid.
All the while a fleet of news vans congested the already clogged arteries of the zoo's parking lot. Every vulture in the city swooping in to pick a nice spot and chance for prime meat. One by a van with a logo I didn't recognize looked like Willy Wonka's Oompa Loompa lovechild. A rail thin stick figure with goddamn orange hair and even darker skin in a purple suit and tie. I didn't know people made clothes like that without it intentionally being meant to look like The Joker.
Camera men, some of them actually wearing their hats backward, were filming everything in sight. Their reporters all giving off enough smell from their perfumes to make the place smell like a flower shop gone wrong. Packed crowds brought up the temperature, making the overly sweet perfumes mix with B.O until I could taste the awfulness just by breathing.
Harry wasn't interested in that though. Instead he had us in front of one of the zoo's office buildings. The wizard smiled. "You know what my favorite magic trick is?" I glanced at the possibly insane spellcaster. He reached into his duster and pulled a crowbar out. Why hadn't he used that on the big cats? "Nobody expects the crowbar."
"U-ah I don't think this is legal," Will stepped behind Dresden.
The man laughed. "Will, Artie boy, We're the police. Everything we do is legal." If we ended up planting evidence I was going to jump out a window.
Just my luck I somehow end up working with Magic Cop Nixon.
Harry pried open the office building's back door with a practiced pull that I imagined had to come from years of B&Es. This guy was on the payroll of the police. The Chicago Police, but still the police. What else did they have him do?
Will stared at him, her eyes bulging behind her thick glasses. "Are you certain this is legal?"
He sighed without breaking step. "Don't worry, it was open when I came in." That, while technically true, was about as close to a bald-faced lie as one could get. What was up with this city? The one guy who could help me figure out what was going on, and he was a crazy half-criminal wizard.
Someone had apparently decided to turn off all the lights, because the office building was almost pitch black inside. All the windows had to be attached to the actual offices, because the hallway didn't even have the faintest sliver of bright light from anywhere other than the door. I flinched when Harry shut the door, making everything seem to get cast in dark blue.
There wasn't the usual zoo smell to the building, but the stench of must clung to everything. Rugs that didn't look like they had gotten a thorough cleaning this decade covered hardwood floors that creaked with every step that got too close to the cushiony edges. Furniture like coatracks and tables cluttered the hall so we all had to walk single file. I didn't need to be a health inspector to know that this was a damn fire-hazard.
Or the zombie rugs would smother the fire with wet mold. But that was another problem.
Dresden hummed as we went along, eyes scanning the doors without a sign of issue. Detectives apparently have great nightvision. He strode to one of the thick wood doors and jammed the crowbar back in. The guy got a lot of use out of it, because this one got opened just as easily as the last. If there was a competition in this kind of thing he might win.
Though it would come with a pair of handcuffs.
"So whose office is this?" I piped up.
"Crazy scary cat scientist," Dresden strolled on, hands in pockets to keep from touching anything. The look was ridiculous since the crowbar stuck out at an angle, swinging with each step. "What would you bet there's a corpse here or someone else that she stays?" He idly poked at a shutter door closet with the tool.
I took a step in and could feel the change immediately. Goosebumps spread over my everything, hairs standing on end as everything seemed to be wrong for no reason.
Harry opened up the closet to reveal rack upon rack of brown suit jackets. "This is a crime against mankind," I deadpanned.
"Most women can't pull off pantsuits," Harry frowned. "And I think that is literally the only outfit she has." He fished through his shirt, pulling out a necklace. The moment it got level with his right eye a pentagram medallion blazed with silver-blue light that cast the wizard's face half-and-half in light and shadow.
More light streamed into the room, the floor giving off the scent of ammonia as a circle appeared with sickly green-yellow aura. Weird moon symbols and letters from a language I didn't know lined both sides of the circle while a triangle had been drawn in the middle, with a circle, triangle, and square taking up a spot in each corner.
A filing cabinet shook, more of the strange lettering burning into the top drawer while a rainbow aura surrounded it.
I blinked. "Normally I don't think scary witch bitches put rainbows on their shit. Normally more piss yellow, Wicked Witch green, and Sith red." Harry raised an eyebrow.
Will's gaze flicked between us. "What are you talking about? Why is Mr. Dresden's necklace glowing?"
"It's for raves," Harry lied through his teeth. He shrugged and hooked the crowbar through a file cabinet's handle. "Let's see." The wheels screeched as he pulled it open. "Bingo." The musty smell in the room transformed into a nauseating stench of decay.
My stomach twisted, gag reflex rioting against being in this room. I leaned forward, holding onto my nose so I could see whatever it was in the dark. Getting closer made the feeling of unease get worse. My skin dried up and tears turned into salt while I stared at half a dozen claw pots. Each one had a dark fluid in it, catching what little light was in the room on their surfaces as the liquid shook inside.
I didn't need to smell the metallic tang in the air to know what it was.
Harry slipped one of the jars in his pocket. "We should be going now." I looked at the evil ritual circle on the floor and weird sacrificial jars full of stuff the doctor shouldn't have and definitely violated some kind of biohazard law. The grouchy brown giant shoved his hands in his pockets and left, crowbar disappearing into it somewhere.
If his jacket was one big set of Bags of Holding I would forgive the fact that he just walks around with a crowbar.
"Can't we go to the police with the evidence?" Will asked.
"Because he has the same ideas as Nixon when it comes to doing things legally?" I snorted.
Harry cricked his neck, making a series of popping sounds. "And Murphy can't get a search warrant on the evidence I've got."
Gee, I wonder why.
"Murder ritual on the floor and definite signs of abusing her authority in the cabinet," I counted off on two fingers. "Oh, and reasonable suspicion because it smells like death in there." I held up a third.
"We need warrants to have things be admissible."
...Take a deep breath, don't punch the Wizard with the crowbar. He doesn't know who he's being condescending to. No one would.
While I may not have graduated law school in my previous life on account of that damn ice patch, I was not dumb enough to need something that obvious stated to me. Even if the memories of that life were slightly fuzzy due to age and overlap.
Still, playing Devil's Advocate is a position to take. Might help things and in the worst case I get a little more info on how this Wizard not named Potter thinks.
"Dead body smell definitely counts as probable cause," I grimaced in disgust. "Here's an idea. Means: Probably has keys to different places here. Motive: Security guard sees her drawing blood or carrying some of it in the middle of the night like a creeper. Opportunity: Two people at night. Ferocious redheaded murder lady beats the shit out of him." Boom. Slam dunk.
"Some weird shit in her room isn't enough evidence to get a conviction," He rolled his eyes. I repressed a snort. Tell that to all the idiots arrested for happy powder in their rooms. Not realizing the genius of my wit, Harry continued. "And then we've got a murderous witch throwing around Entropy curses and other shit to ruin our days."
...Wait, Entropy curses? As in "potential heat death of the universe entropy"? Fuuuuuuck. Swallowing my fear about being subject to an Entropy curse as best I could, I followed Harry.
The sun was setting when we finally got out of the building. Chicago smog and thick clouds made the autumn sky a mess of red and orange. The cold air and craggily trees that had their skeletal branches spread out didn't help the scene much. Unless you wanted it to be horror movie set, because if so it was fucking perfect.
A stray gust of wind blew what little leaves one tree had off. Scary Not-Morgan walked down the path between us and the zoo exit. She smiled, purple lipstick making it seem wider than it possibly should be. "My ears are itching. There's an old superstition that says that when that happens, it's because someone is talking about you." Pale green eyes turned up to glare at the two of us, dark eyebrows arching up. It was like someone had written a textbook on 'How to Scream: I'm Evil' and made an entire college course on it.
More wind blew the leaves past her to further emphasize being Obviously Evil. Did witches do this for dramatic effect or something?
She did it. She definitely did it. There is no fucking way that the universe would shit this person into existence without her being automatically evil.
Harry tilted his head, looking down his nose at the much sorter mage. "Probably the Media. I imagine all of them wants to talk about who was on the job when all those big murder cats decided to try out the long pig."
She chuckled. "Oh, They've all been rounded up about now." The psycho bitch in charge of big cats was obviously the reason. Why did she use the ones that implicate her? Was evil normally that insane?
"Doesn't matter," Harry glowered at her, lips turned into an upside-down U. "The story is too good to let it rest."
"One of the keepers is new. I imagine the fault lies with him." A keeper she definitely was in charge of if she was head of Jungle Cat research or whatever it was.
Harry hummed. "I'm sure he'll agree with the boss lady. That's what people do after all."
Her smiled widened, threatening to crack her face apart. "Thus far, no one has been able to locate him." There was a chopped up body in the sewers somewhere. This witch knew my face and I was screwed.
Holy shit I need to stay with Wizard Nixon until she's locked up in Azkaban or whatever it is wizards do with evil witches. The two of them continued their totally nonthreatening conversation as zookeepers and policemen passed by.
"Wow, the bodycount sure is going up here. Wonder how the life insurance is?"
"Are you an accountant?"
"I work in accounts payable." What is he even saying?
"Doing what, preceisely?"
"I make sure everyone gets what's coming to them." Harry, no! Bad Giant! Don't threaten the obviously evil witch. This is how you get Hitchcock's The Birds to happen to your ass. Was I going to die due to being with him, or would I die without having Gandalf the Grunge?
For the first time in the entire conversation I saw the woman's teeth. "A word to the wise, Mr. Dresden. Don't allow your work to consume your life. Men have died that way." If this person wasn't the culprit I was going to file a complaint with whatever cosmic beings were involved in this world. That pun was awful. Also, someone who acted like Palpatine when it came to being the villain not being the villain would be too much for my already strained sanity.
Harry grinned, actually grinned at the murderous witch. "Has that line actually worked before? Gosh you're cute." Goddammit Harry, fuck off with the jokes.
We were all going to die.
Maybe not now, but Harry was going to piss off someone in the future and he would be utterly screwed.
Instead of continuing the conversation the witch turned on her heel and walked away. "Good evening, Mr. Dresden." We were going to be attacked again by the time midnight rolled around. Will peeked her head out from behind Dresden. "And you Miss Rogers." Scary Not-Morgan turned her head and glanced my way. Her brows furrowed. "And…I'm sorry I never caught your name."
"I don't give my name to dangerous strangers, something about candy and unmarked white vans were in that lesson too," I took a step back, keeping Dresden closer to her than I was. Hooray for human shields taller than me. She grimaced and continued on.
Will held onto her arms. "Did she just threaten you?"
"Yup."
"Doesn't that scare you?"
"Nah, everyone does that."
I stared at him. "Ever wonder why?" Everyone? Maybe this man wasn't the best way to save my miserable life. But since the only other alternative was Not-Morgan or going it alone, it's not like I have much choice.
"My wonderful personality," He chuckled. "Gets them every time." We were all going to die. And I'll make sure to be strangling Harry as we go.
Ignoring my murderous thoughts towards Harry, I glanced at Will. "By the way. You are definitely on her hit list now." Will was silent, but her eyes widened to the point that they might as well be saucepans. Poor girl.
Harry sighed, shoulders slumping as he thought about something. "Well, I'm hungry, and I doubt splitting up the Gang is a good idea. So, burgers then we all go to my place." Anywhere which wasn't underneath a security desk or in an alley was good in my books.
...I'm about to follow a strange man in a trenchcoat to his home for the promise of warmth and food... Maybe those lessons didn't stick as well as I thought.
Frakir's brother
Goodbye.
- Location
- The Sea of Trees
I got stuck in the back of a Volkswagen that was so rusty that it could be Pre-World War 2 vintage. There was a fucking wooden bench in the back rather than a seat. The wood creaked under my weight while Harry twisted the ignition key. Coughing wet sputters came from the front like someone was attempting to breathe life into Frankenstein's monster. Each twist rattling the entire car to the point I was worried it would fall apart around us.
"Come on BB," Harry unknowingly said the name of a horrifying maybe Eldritch AI girl. "Live Beetle, not in front of the new guys."
"What did you call this rust bucket?" I asked.
The pigtailed scientists looked between us. "Do guys normally name cars?"
"Men do, and never insult the Blue Beetle." Harry raised a finger as the car wheezed to mechanical half-life.
"Jaime Reyes?" Wait, was he a 2000s or a 90s character?
Harry twisted back and raised an eyebrow. "I thought the second one was Ted Kord?"
"I don't even know anymore," I sighed. "Comics are confusing."
"My life is worse," Harry backed out of the zoo and started heading into the city. The car rattled and jumped more than the Magic Schoolbus. Which this might technically be, minus being an indestructible possible Tardis.
On the way to Harry's place we drove through a Burger King, possibly giving a few of the people behind us Black Lung due to all the smoke and ash coming out of the Beetle's rear. I looked at the plain white apartment block. It was way too normal for my mental image of a wizard detective. An iron fence of pointy spears gated the back, allowing for a small yard that was probably meant for any pets people had.
And Harry walked straight past that to a set of stairs that went straight down. I slowly put a hand to my mouth as I saw grey-brown gunk on the stairs that may or may not count as a bio-hazard. This was like an 80s anti-drug special.
But Harry had food and soda tucked into his trench coat.
Oh God. I'm in an anti-drug special with a focus on stranger danger.
Will walked in right behind him without even mentioning the slime and possible dead things. Harry opened a thick door, letting the small amount of light from the outside world decide to pause at the threshold and run screaming away. "Your light is burnt out," Will waved a hand around where the lightswitch might be.
I was going to die alone in a cultist's basement. Fuckin figures.
"Sorry, hang on," Harry grumbled. "Flickum Bicus." Was that Harry Potter mangled Pig Latin? The room lit up with candlelight. Almost every wall was concealed by bookshelves, some of which even had more books and boxes on top of them. That along with a floor absolutely littered with rugs made me feel very…concerned with the dozens of candles dripping wax on the floor.
This is gonna also be a feature on fire safety it seems.
Will opened and closed her mouth for a moment. "How did you just-"
I stared at her. "Magic lady, we saw him using The Force and had gigantic murder lions try to kill us."
"Yup, magic," Harry knelt down as a gigantic grey cat the size of my torso all but slammed into him. "Right Mister?" Did Harry turn some poor soul into a cat? If it sat on me I might die. Good God that thing looks like a small St. Bernard.
"There's no such thing as magic," Will insisted. I blinked and stared at her. How dense was this woman?
Harry rolled his eyes. "Do you think a freak nano-tornado threw a lion around?"
"Magical glowing eyed murder lions possessed by a stereotypical British witch," I snarked. "You are living in a magical murder mystery. Congratulations." That curse 'may you live in interesting times' came to mind, damn Chinese proverbs.
She shook her head. "I'm not sure what happened. There was a lot of noise and those cats, and I was so scared," Will insisted. She began to scratch her hands.
Harry hefted up the maybe magic cat. "Exactly, and because everyone knows that there's no such thing as magic, when you actually see it happening that's your response. You don't know what you saw because it can't happen in real life." He began to pet Mister like some kind of evil mastermind. "By this time tomorrow you won't be certain you can remember any of it, weeks after you'll think fear exaggerated the details, and years goes by until you think you just imagined all the parts you can't explain."
What was he on? And where could I get some?
Will grimaced and began to clean her glasses. "You must think I'm an idiot."
He sighed. "I think you're human."
"And they'll blame it on rampant drug abuse I'm sure," I snarked. "Or maybe repression? See a dragon, here's some Xanax. Be sure to stay off the cocaine."
"Dragons are a thing," Harry glanced to the fireplace. I had to repress a squee of joy and a simultaneous shiver down my spine. As much as I loved Dragons, I feared their power just as much."Flickum Bicus. Pray you don't have to deal with huge bright and scaly." Flames cast Harry and the cat in shadows as they shared a scowl. That thing was totally sapient. "People have a tremendous capacity to ignore things that frighten them, and not just the supernatural. Look at history."
I stared at him. "Harry, not that long ago we had people saying that piss was a panacea, and in some places there are people who think that witches have stolen their genitals even when they're still there."
Will closed her eyes. "I don't think either of you have a good opinion when it comes to people."
"People suck," We chorused. I glanced at the slightly taller giant.
"Repression doesn't work like how you assume," I added. If it did, my memories would not nearly be so fresh.
"Trust me, I've seen it," He sighed. "But individuals make the world worth it," He clicked his tongue. "Some of the time. Mostly. Othertimes they ruin it. Either or really." Real vote of confidence in your common man there Harry. Bravo. Will rubbed the obviously polymorphed victim on the chin. Wonder if she'd believe in magic if that cat ate her?
"Here ya go," He hefted the titanic feline over to Will. The woman buckled under the cat's sheer weight.
"What are you feeding him," She coughed, face going red under the strain of what might be some hundred or so pounds of magic cat.
"Sidekicks," Harry clapped his hands together. Harry, fuck you. "Now I got to go down to my office. Drinks are in the icebox, Will keep Artie's paws off the booze. Not so sure about Mister, he could probably handle it." Harry threw aside a rug and pulled a trap door open with a single movement.
What was with this apartment? And who the fuck built it?
The cat narrowed his green eyes at me.
"Peace," I held a hand up. I was tempted, but resisted the urge to make the Vulcan sign. "I won't try anything. If you want me out of the way, I'll move." Do not anger the cat. Five had already tried to kill me today. Mister closed his eyes and purred in Will's arms.
"So," I collapsed into a couch with an audible flop. "How exactly is it hard to understand, 'hey magic exists' given the shit you've seen in the last 12 hours?"
She sighed. "Magic is," Will gestured to the fireplace. "It's impossible."
I closed my eyes. "He shot wind and lightning at the things. Either he's a Jedi, Psychic, or Magic. And those are basically the same." Will said something in reply, but I was drifting away into a kind of half-sleep. It had been so long since I'd had something soft to sleep on, and the leather cushions were just fine despite the musty smell.
Unfortunately I got knocked right back awake by a slap to the knee. "Come on, we need to get moving." Harry walked by with his ridiculous trench coat on and a staff and wand in either hand.
He had an actual wand. If it had a phoenix feather core, I was gonna kill myself.
Harry bent by a drawer, pulling out a giant revolver. "Have you used one of these before?" He hummed and opened the drawer below that. "Shotgun as well, just to be safe."
This was going to end badly wasn't it?
"What is going on?" I groaned. He better have a good reason for waking me up and asking if I knew how to use a gun.
"The culprit is a probably insane Hecataen Hag trying to become a magical god through an ascension rite," Harry loaded the shotgun.
That…what? Fucking cat blood was enough to do that? And Hecataen Hag? What was that, some old ancient Greek lady in a toga?
"I'm sorry oh Great and powerful Oz, but what the fuck can the Wicked Witch of Greece do?" I shouted in anger. "Your plan is to shoot the crazy fake British priestess of a goddess Zeus runs away from?"
He started feeding more shotgun slugs into a sack. "Well, they have a ridiculous amount of magical power, even more time to learn ways to use it, prep time, know we are coming, and can rip your head off and use it as a bludgeon." Harry started to just pile ammo into the sack, only taking the time to start putting speed loaders into a different one. "Oh, and their skin is like tank armor and has razor sharp claws covered in horrible deadly poison."
And so I stared at the double barreled shotgun and revolver that Cowboy Wizard Nixon had decided to take into battle. "Good luck with that."
Harry rolled his eyes. "And by the way, if we don't stop the ritual Chicago is probably going to need a better excuse for becoming a tinderbox than Mrs. O'Leary's cow."
About how quickly could I get out of the blast radius of whatever Final Fantasy boss fight this was going to get into? Probably not in enough time to not get my soul eaten by some Evil Goddess of Magic. I closed my eyes. "Fine."
Will glanced between the two of us. "You are being serious aren't you?"
"As serious as the trouble I'll be in with Mister if I don't return to keep feeding him my food and coke," Harry picked up his staff.
"Cola you mean," Will's eyes flicked to me due to my earlier remarks.
"Sure," Harry opened the door. "After you."
"Just to be clear," I trudged my way to the door. "If I die and you somehow survive, I am haunting your ass."
"Wards and the threshold should keep you out," He gave me a cheery grin. "But sure, your shade can try that while I banish you from this plane." Cheeky bastard, I could see why everyone hated him.
The lot of us piled into the Volkswagen, enduring the agonized wails of whatever souls Harry used to Frankenstein it back to life. "Please start," Harry closed his eyes as he twisted the keys so hard I could see them bend. With a sputtering gurgle and wheeze it gave a gunshot-like cough of despairing unlife. "Okay," He gunned the gas, sending clouds of death inducing smoke from behind the car. "When we get back to the zoo I'll speak to Dr. Reese. If we can keep the hag from getting to the blood we should be safe for awhile." He paused. "At least from Chicago becoming ground zero for a god of black magic."
Will stuttered in the side seat. "All right."
Harry adjusted the mirror as he headed for the streets. "Now all we-"
I didn't hear the rest of what he said as I felt my body get encased in ice. My spine crackled and straightened as the rest of the back seat suddenly became a mass of darker than black material that bulged with rippling muscle underneath it. My scream caught in my throat, strangling me.
But the car's new tenant made up for that. Waves of spittle flew in every direction while a monster dog that had more weight than three of me put together rampaged to the front. The roof singed and burned, smoke curling due to the fucking orange flames spewing out of the thing's eyes.
Harry screamed in shock while several hundred pounds of pissed-off dog tackled him hard enough that the driver-side door launched its way across the street. "Black Dog! Black Dog!" He brought his arm up as the impossibly wide mouth of the monster hound wrapped around a transparent field of force. "Why the fuck does a Greek murder witch have a celtic-" His question got cut off as the monster decided to swing him around instead of just biting harder.
I scrambled forward, grabbing the wheel and awkwardly slamming on the pedal. The tiny car swerved around, heading towards Harry while the wizard punched the hound in the face. A blast of blue-white energy sent the creature flying, but it landed paws first on the ground. Instead of exploding into gore or anything else that would have been reasonable all it did was shake its head, lips flapping without even any blood on it.
The wizard dove through the empty space that should have had a door and screamed. "Drive drive drive!"
Red laser eyes locked on me. "Meep!" I slammed on the gas, getting a stomach full of Harry's elbow thanks to the car screeching onward.
"What is that thing?" Will huddled as far away from the doorless side of the car as possible. Finally she asks a good question.
"Get the gun bag," I screamed. She didn't so much reply as squeak while kicking the bag into my Harry-occupied lap.
The wizard wrestled the shotgun out of the bag. "A black dog. Celtic entity that used to get a lot of work as ancestral guardians. Now they're mostly supernatural hitmen."
I started to press the gas even harder. "You mean the thing can think?"
"Yes it," He cut himself off with a shrill scream as I turned the corner to avoid a semi-truck. "What the hell Lenny!"
"Where's the dog?" I screamed.
"Well it can move through the Nevernever to basically teleport wherever it likes," Harry leaned out to take a look behind us. Instead of having it on our tails the intelligent murder hound apparently planned way better than any of us.
Because the brick wall of an apartment building exploded with the Tank Dog roaring in rage. Dust and shrapnel showered everyone who wasn't lucky enough to be in a car, and I saw one guy in a beanie get brained by a mostly intact brick.
"SHOOT THE DOG!" I screeched like a lunatic.
The damn monster bounded over us, landing on another car with enough weight that I saw the engine block crumple beneath it before it bodychecked Will's side of the car.
Harry shot upwards, shotgun pointed at the dog. "My insurance is already shitty enough!" He pulled the trigger, destroying my right eardrum, the window, and managing to make the monster stumble.
That's right, stumble. Not even a second later the damn thing was sprinting right after us.
Will's mouth was moving, but I couldn't hear anything other than the deafening ringing in my ears. Harry pointed ahead at a construction sign. What? His lips flapped. I couldn't read lips, but if this involved something like us burying the dog under cement I could get behind that.
I swerved the car through the bright orange planks, slamming the breaks to avoid any equipment that would probably turn us into a block of bone and steel. Harry tumbled out of the car, landing on his feet despite being a goddamn giant, and pointed his wand at the murder dog.
Everything became bright red as heat blasted me in the face.
Blinking away spots gave me a lot to look at. What remaining windshields the car had were shattered messes, along with all the windows in the nearby buildings. Melted plastic puddles were all that remained of several traffic cones, and there was a small crater in the concrete that the dog had been standing on.
The severed and bloody head of the Black Dog lay there, smoke rising from its scorched body. Its jaws opened and closed, trying to move itself forward without the rest of its body. How indestructible were these things?
Will clambered out of the car, staring at Dresden in disbelief as Grunge Gandalf sighed.
Did…was this chick terrified of Dresden after having it repeatedly explained that magic was a thing and this was basically the thing that almost killed a young Cu Chulainne?
What were these people MARVEL civilians? Such an astounding lack of self-preservation instinct indicated Darwin awards were probably given out like candy in this world.
Harry shook his head. "We're going to the zoo."
---
Okay, I was definitely right about it being the scary redheaded British lady. Because there was no other reasonable explanation for what was happening right now. Harry, Will, and I all looked up at the office building that used to have the obviously evil witch's office full of ridiculously incriminating evidence. Well, what used to be the building.
Several fire trucks sprayed water on the burning wreckage of the several floor building while Harry shoved his hands in his pockets. "It wasn't me this time." Cameras clicked behind us as the vultures swarmed the zoo for the third time today.
I let out a long breath. "This is ridiculous."
"And the dog might come back," Harry added. I stared at him. "Black Dogs are immortal denizens of the Nevernever. Destroying their ectoplasmic form doesn't really get rid of them forever." It had respawn powers.
Of course it did. Because it wasn't scary enough unless it could come back and get revenge.
"Lucky for you I'm not the suspicious sort Dresden," A woman snorted.
Harry made a tight-lipped groaning sound while a very pissed-off looking woman approached. The short trench-coat detective I had seen in the morning. She gave Harry an almost murderous glare. "Because a janitor reported that the door to this office had been forced open an hour before the fire alarms went off." Oh no. "Do you still carry that little crowbar in your coat pocket?" The wind blew her hair and coat backwards.
...Just how often did he do that for her to know about the crowbar? Wizard Nixon smiled at her. "No lieutenant, I'm just happy to see you."
We were going to get worked over by the cops. Chicago cops. If Harry got me involved on the wrong side of "enhanced interrogation techniques" I was gonna kill him.
"Dammit Dresden, I don't hire you to break and enter and ruin evidence." Was I in an Urban Fantasy police procedural? Because I had heard this line as lot. Just ridiculously so...that would explain why he called me Lenny, but I ain't as old as Briscoe.
Harry pulled a bag from his pockets. "Pieces of ritual pottery with Watson's fingerprints, oh and lots and lots of animal blood."
The woman hefted the bag up. "And this proves what? Other than that you did what I just said you shouldn't be doing?" Harry you dumbass. Don't lie, then ruin your own lie!
Will hid behind me. "What is happening?" I should be hiding behind you dammit.
"Detective and Private Investigator courting ritual?" I suggested. Law breaking, sorry bending, Private Eye and young Chicago cop girl. What could possibly go wrong?
The two of them ignored us. "Murph, she isn't human. Watson's up to some ritual and the guard stumbled in on it. She killed him for it."
Murph folded her arms together. "The big cats lady is a monster, and the city will believe that?"
Oh, the evil witch was in charge of cats. That would be funny if it didn't involve them all trying to rip out my organs and eat them.
"Not as fun as the monkey did it, but yeah," Harry shrugged.
The woman massaged her forehead. "Broken pottery and monster stories."
"You could just say she was selling their blood and stuff for 'traditional Chinese medicine' and she killed the guard because he found out," I suggested.
She glared at me and glanced at Dresden.
"Unpaid interns, and dig into Dana Watson. You're bound to find something that doesn't make sense."
I paused and facepalmed. "Hecataen Hag, Dana. Diana." I groaned. Not much drove me crazy as when Greek and Roman were incorrectly conflated. "What is wrong with these people?"
Harry headed towards the monkey place. "I'm going to get beer."
I glanced at the burnt wreckage of the office, then at the place that I know the witch lady knows we'd been. The place with the person who was trying to destroy her cover story. "Shit."
"Come on BB," Harry unknowingly said the name of a horrifying maybe Eldritch AI girl. "Live Beetle, not in front of the new guys."
"What did you call this rust bucket?" I asked.
The pigtailed scientists looked between us. "Do guys normally name cars?"
"Men do, and never insult the Blue Beetle." Harry raised a finger as the car wheezed to mechanical half-life.
"Jaime Reyes?" Wait, was he a 2000s or a 90s character?
Harry twisted back and raised an eyebrow. "I thought the second one was Ted Kord?"
"I don't even know anymore," I sighed. "Comics are confusing."
"My life is worse," Harry backed out of the zoo and started heading into the city. The car rattled and jumped more than the Magic Schoolbus. Which this might technically be, minus being an indestructible possible Tardis.
On the way to Harry's place we drove through a Burger King, possibly giving a few of the people behind us Black Lung due to all the smoke and ash coming out of the Beetle's rear. I looked at the plain white apartment block. It was way too normal for my mental image of a wizard detective. An iron fence of pointy spears gated the back, allowing for a small yard that was probably meant for any pets people had.
And Harry walked straight past that to a set of stairs that went straight down. I slowly put a hand to my mouth as I saw grey-brown gunk on the stairs that may or may not count as a bio-hazard. This was like an 80s anti-drug special.
But Harry had food and soda tucked into his trench coat.
Oh God. I'm in an anti-drug special with a focus on stranger danger.
Will walked in right behind him without even mentioning the slime and possible dead things. Harry opened a thick door, letting the small amount of light from the outside world decide to pause at the threshold and run screaming away. "Your light is burnt out," Will waved a hand around where the lightswitch might be.
I was going to die alone in a cultist's basement. Fuckin figures.
"Sorry, hang on," Harry grumbled. "Flickum Bicus." Was that Harry Potter mangled Pig Latin? The room lit up with candlelight. Almost every wall was concealed by bookshelves, some of which even had more books and boxes on top of them. That along with a floor absolutely littered with rugs made me feel very…concerned with the dozens of candles dripping wax on the floor.
This is gonna also be a feature on fire safety it seems.
Will opened and closed her mouth for a moment. "How did you just-"
I stared at her. "Magic lady, we saw him using The Force and had gigantic murder lions try to kill us."
"Yup, magic," Harry knelt down as a gigantic grey cat the size of my torso all but slammed into him. "Right Mister?" Did Harry turn some poor soul into a cat? If it sat on me I might die. Good God that thing looks like a small St. Bernard.
"There's no such thing as magic," Will insisted. I blinked and stared at her. How dense was this woman?
Harry rolled his eyes. "Do you think a freak nano-tornado threw a lion around?"
"Magical glowing eyed murder lions possessed by a stereotypical British witch," I snarked. "You are living in a magical murder mystery. Congratulations." That curse 'may you live in interesting times' came to mind, damn Chinese proverbs.
She shook her head. "I'm not sure what happened. There was a lot of noise and those cats, and I was so scared," Will insisted. She began to scratch her hands.
Harry hefted up the maybe magic cat. "Exactly, and because everyone knows that there's no such thing as magic, when you actually see it happening that's your response. You don't know what you saw because it can't happen in real life." He began to pet Mister like some kind of evil mastermind. "By this time tomorrow you won't be certain you can remember any of it, weeks after you'll think fear exaggerated the details, and years goes by until you think you just imagined all the parts you can't explain."
What was he on? And where could I get some?
Will grimaced and began to clean her glasses. "You must think I'm an idiot."
He sighed. "I think you're human."
"And they'll blame it on rampant drug abuse I'm sure," I snarked. "Or maybe repression? See a dragon, here's some Xanax. Be sure to stay off the cocaine."
"Dragons are a thing," Harry glanced to the fireplace. I had to repress a squee of joy and a simultaneous shiver down my spine. As much as I loved Dragons, I feared their power just as much."Flickum Bicus. Pray you don't have to deal with huge bright and scaly." Flames cast Harry and the cat in shadows as they shared a scowl. That thing was totally sapient. "People have a tremendous capacity to ignore things that frighten them, and not just the supernatural. Look at history."
I stared at him. "Harry, not that long ago we had people saying that piss was a panacea, and in some places there are people who think that witches have stolen their genitals even when they're still there."
Will closed her eyes. "I don't think either of you have a good opinion when it comes to people."
"People suck," We chorused. I glanced at the slightly taller giant.
"Repression doesn't work like how you assume," I added. If it did, my memories would not nearly be so fresh.
"Trust me, I've seen it," He sighed. "But individuals make the world worth it," He clicked his tongue. "Some of the time. Mostly. Othertimes they ruin it. Either or really." Real vote of confidence in your common man there Harry. Bravo. Will rubbed the obviously polymorphed victim on the chin. Wonder if she'd believe in magic if that cat ate her?
"Here ya go," He hefted the titanic feline over to Will. The woman buckled under the cat's sheer weight.
"What are you feeding him," She coughed, face going red under the strain of what might be some hundred or so pounds of magic cat.
"Sidekicks," Harry clapped his hands together. Harry, fuck you. "Now I got to go down to my office. Drinks are in the icebox, Will keep Artie's paws off the booze. Not so sure about Mister, he could probably handle it." Harry threw aside a rug and pulled a trap door open with a single movement.
What was with this apartment? And who the fuck built it?
The cat narrowed his green eyes at me.
"Peace," I held a hand up. I was tempted, but resisted the urge to make the Vulcan sign. "I won't try anything. If you want me out of the way, I'll move." Do not anger the cat. Five had already tried to kill me today. Mister closed his eyes and purred in Will's arms.
"So," I collapsed into a couch with an audible flop. "How exactly is it hard to understand, 'hey magic exists' given the shit you've seen in the last 12 hours?"
She sighed. "Magic is," Will gestured to the fireplace. "It's impossible."
I closed my eyes. "He shot wind and lightning at the things. Either he's a Jedi, Psychic, or Magic. And those are basically the same." Will said something in reply, but I was drifting away into a kind of half-sleep. It had been so long since I'd had something soft to sleep on, and the leather cushions were just fine despite the musty smell.
Unfortunately I got knocked right back awake by a slap to the knee. "Come on, we need to get moving." Harry walked by with his ridiculous trench coat on and a staff and wand in either hand.
He had an actual wand. If it had a phoenix feather core, I was gonna kill myself.
Harry bent by a drawer, pulling out a giant revolver. "Have you used one of these before?" He hummed and opened the drawer below that. "Shotgun as well, just to be safe."
This was going to end badly wasn't it?
"What is going on?" I groaned. He better have a good reason for waking me up and asking if I knew how to use a gun.
"The culprit is a probably insane Hecataen Hag trying to become a magical god through an ascension rite," Harry loaded the shotgun.
That…what? Fucking cat blood was enough to do that? And Hecataen Hag? What was that, some old ancient Greek lady in a toga?
"I'm sorry oh Great and powerful Oz, but what the fuck can the Wicked Witch of Greece do?" I shouted in anger. "Your plan is to shoot the crazy fake British priestess of a goddess Zeus runs away from?"
He started feeding more shotgun slugs into a sack. "Well, they have a ridiculous amount of magical power, even more time to learn ways to use it, prep time, know we are coming, and can rip your head off and use it as a bludgeon." Harry started to just pile ammo into the sack, only taking the time to start putting speed loaders into a different one. "Oh, and their skin is like tank armor and has razor sharp claws covered in horrible deadly poison."
And so I stared at the double barreled shotgun and revolver that Cowboy Wizard Nixon had decided to take into battle. "Good luck with that."
Harry rolled his eyes. "And by the way, if we don't stop the ritual Chicago is probably going to need a better excuse for becoming a tinderbox than Mrs. O'Leary's cow."
About how quickly could I get out of the blast radius of whatever Final Fantasy boss fight this was going to get into? Probably not in enough time to not get my soul eaten by some Evil Goddess of Magic. I closed my eyes. "Fine."
Will glanced between the two of us. "You are being serious aren't you?"
"As serious as the trouble I'll be in with Mister if I don't return to keep feeding him my food and coke," Harry picked up his staff.
"Cola you mean," Will's eyes flicked to me due to my earlier remarks.
"Sure," Harry opened the door. "After you."
"Just to be clear," I trudged my way to the door. "If I die and you somehow survive, I am haunting your ass."
"Wards and the threshold should keep you out," He gave me a cheery grin. "But sure, your shade can try that while I banish you from this plane." Cheeky bastard, I could see why everyone hated him.
The lot of us piled into the Volkswagen, enduring the agonized wails of whatever souls Harry used to Frankenstein it back to life. "Please start," Harry closed his eyes as he twisted the keys so hard I could see them bend. With a sputtering gurgle and wheeze it gave a gunshot-like cough of despairing unlife. "Okay," He gunned the gas, sending clouds of death inducing smoke from behind the car. "When we get back to the zoo I'll speak to Dr. Reese. If we can keep the hag from getting to the blood we should be safe for awhile." He paused. "At least from Chicago becoming ground zero for a god of black magic."
Will stuttered in the side seat. "All right."
Harry adjusted the mirror as he headed for the streets. "Now all we-"
I didn't hear the rest of what he said as I felt my body get encased in ice. My spine crackled and straightened as the rest of the back seat suddenly became a mass of darker than black material that bulged with rippling muscle underneath it. My scream caught in my throat, strangling me.
But the car's new tenant made up for that. Waves of spittle flew in every direction while a monster dog that had more weight than three of me put together rampaged to the front. The roof singed and burned, smoke curling due to the fucking orange flames spewing out of the thing's eyes.
Harry screamed in shock while several hundred pounds of pissed-off dog tackled him hard enough that the driver-side door launched its way across the street. "Black Dog! Black Dog!" He brought his arm up as the impossibly wide mouth of the monster hound wrapped around a transparent field of force. "Why the fuck does a Greek murder witch have a celtic-" His question got cut off as the monster decided to swing him around instead of just biting harder.
I scrambled forward, grabbing the wheel and awkwardly slamming on the pedal. The tiny car swerved around, heading towards Harry while the wizard punched the hound in the face. A blast of blue-white energy sent the creature flying, but it landed paws first on the ground. Instead of exploding into gore or anything else that would have been reasonable all it did was shake its head, lips flapping without even any blood on it.
The wizard dove through the empty space that should have had a door and screamed. "Drive drive drive!"
Red laser eyes locked on me. "Meep!" I slammed on the gas, getting a stomach full of Harry's elbow thanks to the car screeching onward.
"What is that thing?" Will huddled as far away from the doorless side of the car as possible. Finally she asks a good question.
"Get the gun bag," I screamed. She didn't so much reply as squeak while kicking the bag into my Harry-occupied lap.
The wizard wrestled the shotgun out of the bag. "A black dog. Celtic entity that used to get a lot of work as ancestral guardians. Now they're mostly supernatural hitmen."
I started to press the gas even harder. "You mean the thing can think?"
"Yes it," He cut himself off with a shrill scream as I turned the corner to avoid a semi-truck. "What the hell Lenny!"
"Where's the dog?" I screamed.
"Well it can move through the Nevernever to basically teleport wherever it likes," Harry leaned out to take a look behind us. Instead of having it on our tails the intelligent murder hound apparently planned way better than any of us.
Because the brick wall of an apartment building exploded with the Tank Dog roaring in rage. Dust and shrapnel showered everyone who wasn't lucky enough to be in a car, and I saw one guy in a beanie get brained by a mostly intact brick.
"SHOOT THE DOG!" I screeched like a lunatic.
The damn monster bounded over us, landing on another car with enough weight that I saw the engine block crumple beneath it before it bodychecked Will's side of the car.
Harry shot upwards, shotgun pointed at the dog. "My insurance is already shitty enough!" He pulled the trigger, destroying my right eardrum, the window, and managing to make the monster stumble.
That's right, stumble. Not even a second later the damn thing was sprinting right after us.
Will's mouth was moving, but I couldn't hear anything other than the deafening ringing in my ears. Harry pointed ahead at a construction sign. What? His lips flapped. I couldn't read lips, but if this involved something like us burying the dog under cement I could get behind that.
I swerved the car through the bright orange planks, slamming the breaks to avoid any equipment that would probably turn us into a block of bone and steel. Harry tumbled out of the car, landing on his feet despite being a goddamn giant, and pointed his wand at the murder dog.
Everything became bright red as heat blasted me in the face.
Blinking away spots gave me a lot to look at. What remaining windshields the car had were shattered messes, along with all the windows in the nearby buildings. Melted plastic puddles were all that remained of several traffic cones, and there was a small crater in the concrete that the dog had been standing on.
The severed and bloody head of the Black Dog lay there, smoke rising from its scorched body. Its jaws opened and closed, trying to move itself forward without the rest of its body. How indestructible were these things?
Will clambered out of the car, staring at Dresden in disbelief as Grunge Gandalf sighed.
Did…was this chick terrified of Dresden after having it repeatedly explained that magic was a thing and this was basically the thing that almost killed a young Cu Chulainne?
What were these people MARVEL civilians? Such an astounding lack of self-preservation instinct indicated Darwin awards were probably given out like candy in this world.
Harry shook his head. "We're going to the zoo."
---
Okay, I was definitely right about it being the scary redheaded British lady. Because there was no other reasonable explanation for what was happening right now. Harry, Will, and I all looked up at the office building that used to have the obviously evil witch's office full of ridiculously incriminating evidence. Well, what used to be the building.
Several fire trucks sprayed water on the burning wreckage of the several floor building while Harry shoved his hands in his pockets. "It wasn't me this time." Cameras clicked behind us as the vultures swarmed the zoo for the third time today.
I let out a long breath. "This is ridiculous."
"And the dog might come back," Harry added. I stared at him. "Black Dogs are immortal denizens of the Nevernever. Destroying their ectoplasmic form doesn't really get rid of them forever." It had respawn powers.
Of course it did. Because it wasn't scary enough unless it could come back and get revenge.
"Lucky for you I'm not the suspicious sort Dresden," A woman snorted.
Harry made a tight-lipped groaning sound while a very pissed-off looking woman approached. The short trench-coat detective I had seen in the morning. She gave Harry an almost murderous glare. "Because a janitor reported that the door to this office had been forced open an hour before the fire alarms went off." Oh no. "Do you still carry that little crowbar in your coat pocket?" The wind blew her hair and coat backwards.
...Just how often did he do that for her to know about the crowbar? Wizard Nixon smiled at her. "No lieutenant, I'm just happy to see you."
We were going to get worked over by the cops. Chicago cops. If Harry got me involved on the wrong side of "enhanced interrogation techniques" I was gonna kill him.
"Dammit Dresden, I don't hire you to break and enter and ruin evidence." Was I in an Urban Fantasy police procedural? Because I had heard this line as lot. Just ridiculously so...that would explain why he called me Lenny, but I ain't as old as Briscoe.
Harry pulled a bag from his pockets. "Pieces of ritual pottery with Watson's fingerprints, oh and lots and lots of animal blood."
The woman hefted the bag up. "And this proves what? Other than that you did what I just said you shouldn't be doing?" Harry you dumbass. Don't lie, then ruin your own lie!
Will hid behind me. "What is happening?" I should be hiding behind you dammit.
"Detective and Private Investigator courting ritual?" I suggested. Law breaking, sorry bending, Private Eye and young Chicago cop girl. What could possibly go wrong?
The two of them ignored us. "Murph, she isn't human. Watson's up to some ritual and the guard stumbled in on it. She killed him for it."
Murph folded her arms together. "The big cats lady is a monster, and the city will believe that?"
Oh, the evil witch was in charge of cats. That would be funny if it didn't involve them all trying to rip out my organs and eat them.
"Not as fun as the monkey did it, but yeah," Harry shrugged.
The woman massaged her forehead. "Broken pottery and monster stories."
"You could just say she was selling their blood and stuff for 'traditional Chinese medicine' and she killed the guard because he found out," I suggested.
She glared at me and glanced at Dresden.
"Unpaid interns, and dig into Dana Watson. You're bound to find something that doesn't make sense."
I paused and facepalmed. "Hecataen Hag, Dana. Diana." I groaned. Not much drove me crazy as when Greek and Roman were incorrectly conflated. "What is wrong with these people?"
Harry headed towards the monkey place. "I'm going to get beer."
I glanced at the burnt wreckage of the office, then at the place that I know the witch lady knows we'd been. The place with the person who was trying to destroy her cover story. "Shit."
Syncretization is definitely a thing that happens, yes.