So I don't know if there's any plausible use for a concept like this or an OWCA agent by this name under this cover...but I got the reference and thought it was funny and I suspect I'm not the only one.
I don't think that it works for this setting. First of all the only things we know about OWCA agents are that:
1. They were fedoras.
2. They are animals (except for plants the ported plant)
3. They go have secret identities as pets.
4. They fight mad scientists; and
5. They go by 'Agent [letter that is the exact same letter as their name starts with, as well as the same letter as their species starts with].'
Most of those are fine, but number five kind of just excludes your theory. Since gridlocked follows Phineas and Ferb pretty much exactly unless something is too far-fetched, or would destroy the balance of the setting, that means that OWCA probably still follows that policy and doofquest.
This was very important to understand. He would face countless foes unafraid. He would stare down a dragon undaunted. He was in no way quaking in fear at the thought of social interaction with women.
"Don' worry boss!"
No matter what his underlings said.
"You got this!" Binggure the Clown continued cheerfully, straightening the tie on Tobe's rented suit. It had been very hard to find one that matched the shinobi shōzoku he wore underneath it. Also the mask kept riding up.
"You'll do fine boss." Jumong agreed.
"Of course I will!" Tobe declared. "This challenge is nothing for me! A mere speed bump on my way to greatness!"
"There's nothing to be scared of. Women are just people. They're not terrifying at all."
With that, the two ninja pushed their master through the door and towards the table with the first prospect.
"Hello." Lizzy said.
"..."
"The sting of the bullet ant can be felt for up to 24 hours after exposure. It is said to be more painful than being shot by a gun."
Jumong started the timer.
---
Two minutes and thirty-seven seconds later, Tobe sat stock still in his seat, continuing to speak only in fear that ceasing might provoke her.
"S-s-s-so. Whyy did you decided to join the speed dating?"
"I'm trying to be more sociable." Lizzy replied in a completely monotone voice.
"I-I see."
"Is it working?"
Ding!
Tobe shrieked.
"All right next pair!" Binggure said, gently ushering Lizzy into the next room. "I think that went well boss."
"Mumblewumble."
"That's the spirit!"
"Okay, I see where we're going wrong here." Jumong noted. "Nothing to talk about, not enough in common. We need to get a ninja. ...Where are we gonna find a ninja?!?"
---
The next woman was Jang-Jang, a short young woman in an all-encompassing baggy trenchcoat and fedora. Her face was obscured by a giant pair of spectacles. To his own surprise, Tobe had warmed up to the mysterious stranger rather quickly! They jumped right into the topic of being professional working ninjas off the bat and hadn't stopped.
"You seem to be a very experienced kunoichi, Jang-Jang. I've never heard of a private detective ninja before."
Jang-Jang adjusted her comically large glasses.
"R-Really? We're all over the West Coast."
"Hmm. I failed to notice the Village Hidden on the West Coast when the Vagabond Clan and I visited Los Angeles."
Jang-Jang's shoulders sagged. The jig was up.
"I'm sorry, Tobe. I knew this was a bad idea."
"A bad idea?" Tobe asked. "Your village must be full of expert ninjas if they can inhabit the entire coast without being seen!"
She was about to take off her fedora when she paused. "Eh?"
"I have nothing but the utmost respect for a ninja who can hide in plain sight."
"Oh. I could, uh, share some pointers?"
"I would be honored!"
Before Jang-Jang could elaborate on the incredibly simple techniques she used to avoid being recognized, the bell dinged. She left the table in a hurry.
"What was that about?" Bingurre asked.
"Not sure. It felt like we were becoming fast friends."
Jumong had his suspicions, but he kept them to himself. "All right, the ninja angle seems to be working, let's keep that up."
---
"I'm glad to see there are no hard feelings." Momakase said, hands folded primly in her lap.
"Uh… about what?" Tobe asked.
"Oh, didn't your boss tell you? We had a bit of an altercation last year. A lot of employers get unreasonably testy about being chased by a knife."
"Uh… huuuh." Tobe said nervously. "So uh… tell me about yourself."
"Not much has changed." Momakase replied. "Expert infiltrator, trained in physical combat and stealth, available for infiltration or antipersonnel missions. Also a 3-star chef trained in traditional Japanese and haute cuisine."
"Ooookay. Can you… tell me a little about your personal interests?"
"What?"
"...what do you think you're here for?"
"Applying for a covert operations opening?"
"Oh. Uh. I'm sorry, I think there's been some mistake."
Momakase frowned. "Then what am I here for?"
---
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA" Tobe screamed, fleeing the room and slamming the door behind him. A few seconds later it fell apart as Momakase's graphene knives cut through it like butter. She said nothing, simply charging forwards without a word.
Binggure gave Tobe a thumbs up as he passed.
---
A bedraggled Tobe climbed back into the building through the window, very carefully checking to make sure that his pursuer was no longer in sight. It had taken him ten minutes to lose the angry chef; Momakase seemed to have wandered off after her anger passed but he wouldn't put anything past her. Tobe doubted that she had been trained at one of the ninja schools but she was clearly very skilled.
"Oh hey Tobe, climbing in through the window I see. Nice!" You declared.
"Master Doofenshmirtz?!? What are you doing here?"
"Well… this is my building."
"Right, but what are you doing in this exact spot?"
"Well… this is my office."
Tobe looked around.
"I see."
"..."
" ...I notice you got rid of that bowl of mints!"
"Yeah, finally! Anyway, I'll disable the traps for you."
Tobe began to walk to the door before pausing for a second. "Actually, since you're here, I was wondering if I could ask for your wisdom? I'm in the middle of a date, and-"
"Woah, easy, big guy. I'm, uh, not so lucky in love. Divorced, remember?"
"Surely you give yourself too little credit, master. Please, humor me, at least?"
"Weeelllll…. Alright, sure, fire away."
"Excellent! How did you manage to land Shego?"
Your eye twitched, and your in-built pettiness surfaced.
"...you know what Tobe? Just be yourself. You'll do great."
---
The next candidate, Jeng-Jeng, walked up to the table. She was a petite woman in a navy pea coat with a red and white striped skirt. She had a giant tricorn hat that cloaked her face in shadow. Although there was something about Jeng-Jeng that was oddly familiar to Tobe, he couldn't put two and two together to save his life. That didn't stop them from having decent chemistry. Jeng-Jeng was passionate about her ninja career and Tobe could relate to that.
"So if you put your hands together like this, you should be able to swing the Fuma shuriken hard enough to slice through an adult male's torso like they were made of paper."
"The amount of strength and finesse needed to perform such a move is formidable. I do not think I would be able to do it without years of training for the task!"
Jeng-Jeng fanned herself with a paper fan that came with her costume kit.
"Aw, stop it. You're making me blush."
"Do not fret, Jeng-Jeng. Your secret is safe with me."
Jeng-Jeng nearly blew her hat off with force of her last fan movement.
"What secret?"
Tobe locked eyes with Jeng-Jeng suspensefully as he got closer to her.
"You have done well to hide your true nature, but my intuition never lies."
She started removing her eyepatch.
"Okay, you have me."
"You're a pirate," he whispered.
Jeng-Jeng opened her mouth to reply, but Tobe put a hand up.
"I know, I know. Our people have been enemies since time immemorial. I feel a bond growing between us, but we come from two different worlds. It could never be."
Jeng-Jeng sighed and put her eyepatch back on.
"…Thanks, Tobe. I appreciate your discretion and understanding."
The bell dinged.
"Farewell, Jeng-Jeng."
Jeng-Jeng got up and left the table with mixed feelings of nervousness, elation, and disappointment.
"Stupid pirate costume," she whispered to herself. Everything was going right, but the guy at the costume store got her the wrong outfit! This wasn't a nautical ninja suit at all!
She took a deep breath and counted to ten. If she was going to get Tobe's attention, the next costume had to be something else entirely.
A few moments later, Binggure blinked. "Hey wait a second… wasn't Jing-Jing supposed to be here today?"
---
Tobe slumped in his seat. Somewhere, held in check by the part of his brain responsible for violently rejecting any evidence that he might be less than successful, Tobe had a sneaking suspicion that the evening was not going well. Perhaps the next date would change that?
"Hello dere!" Noted polymath and Renaissance Clone Ludivine von Drake declared as she took her seat. "I've seen you around here, you're dat ninja boy, ya?"
"Uh, yes?"
"I thouht so, thouht so. I could tell because you're wearing dat mask undaneath your tuxedo. I bet I could teach you a ting or two about da ninjootsu ahrts."
"Feh!" Tobe replied. "You? What do you teach, flying goose kicks?"
Ludivine drew herself up. "Vy, I have a Doctorate in Theoretical Ninjutsu. I even vorked as a substitute teacha in wun a dem fancy franco-spanish ninja schools."
"You subbed for other professors?"
"No no, I taught de log ting."
"Write this down." Binggure whispered.
"Well that's… a point in common, I suppose."
Ludivine sighed. "Liesen, Toto-"
"Tobe."
"Toei, sorry. Ah hate to say eet, but I don't tink dis is gonna work out. I mean, jus tink about da age difference!"
Tobe nodded in agreement.
"Dou I'm not sure vhat direction. Thecknically, I vas only separated from Ludvig a few years ago now. Ho ho! I don' know veddah to light five kandels or feefty! A fesinating feelosophical konundrum."
Ludivine continued on in this vein until the timer ended. And then for another twenty minutes. Eventually Binggure and Jumong managed to pry her out of her seat and make way for the next set.
---
That was… better than he expected. At least the professor hadn't tried to skewer him with graphene knives or talk to him in graphic detail about what ant venom could do to a man. He was used to not being let down easy at this point.
He could do this. He had to do this! It was his destiny! The ghost that possessed him had said so, and no matter how awkward he was when it came to dating, he had to stay persistent!
...he hoped he didn't have to date the ghost that possessed him. That would be really awkward.
He took a second to mentally prepare himself for the next date. No matter what happened, the worst had to be behind him… right?
--
"So what's your name?"
The redhead smiled like a normal human being.
"That's a secret, Tobe. Perhaps if you tell me a secret of your own I'll tell you?"
He hadn't actually told her his name, but it's good ninja cred that she already knew! And she hasn't tried to murder him yet! Another excellent sign!
Oh, right, she's still waiting.
"Okay. Don't tell anyone this, but… I don't actually remember why I swore vengeance on Garu. I was four at the time. I think maybe it had something to do with this cool scar?" Tobe gestured to the cross between his eyes. "But it was definitely very cool and important."
"You're a very silly child, aren't you?" The woman asked. She pat his head.
"Uh..." Tobe replied.
Ding!
"I'll be seeing you soon, little boy~"
And then she was gone. Tobe blinked, and scratched behind his head. "What just happened?"
"I… think you got a second date, boss."
"Ha-ha! Yes!"
--
As the next date entered the room, Binggure's eyes widened. "Uh, wait. Isn't that-"
Jumong clapped his hand over the clown's mouth. "Shhhhhh."
"But shouldn't we tell Tob-"
"Absolutely not."
The next date, who from the striped outfit and beret was either a ninja artist or ninja mime, sait down.
""Uh, hi. ...I'm Jong-Jong."
Artist then.
Tobe nodded. "Hello, Jang-Jang. Ah! Sorry, sorry, my mistake. Lot of girls with similar names visiting today."
"Oh that's... fine." She replied after a moment, trying not to look up. Something prickled at the edge of Tobe's awareness. Something was off. He leaned in for a closer look.
The girl blushed at the sudden closeness, averting her eyes from Tobe's gaze. Looking at her now, she seemed familiar. If you removed the beret, switched the kimono to a solid color...
"Jing-Jing?"
"U-uh, no, I'm, um, Jeng-Jeng! I'm a ninja...anime, no, I mean-" She looked like she was about to cry.
This was bad. Ninja training never said anything about consoling people! What could he say that wouldn't make things worse?
Tobe put a hand on her shoulder. He thought he finally understood what was going on.
"Jing-Jing?"
The Jing-Jing at the table smiled, grin splitting across her face to reveal a leering fox's head. The world blurred, and Tobe felt a sudden pressure settle on his shoulders.
"Don't blink, little boy." The yokai whispered, breath hot on his neck. The air smelled of gunpowder.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA"
"I knew it!" Binggure declared, looking between his boss and the rapidly disappearing Kitsune. "Why didn't we tell the boss it was the fox thing playing a trick on him?!?"
Jumong stared in befuddlement. If Jing-Jing in a bad disguise was Kitsune disguising herself as Jing-Jing in a bad disguise, then where was the real Jing-Jing?
This was getting confusing.
---
Tobe slouched in his seat, wondering why things weren't going as well as he had hoped. Who knew that finding true love could be so exhausting? It was supposed to be his destiny, wasn't it? In hindsight, the whole 'speed dating' thing might've been a mistake. Half of the candidates were either scary beyond all reason or obviously incompatible with him, while the other half seemed to hit it off really well, but just when they had something going, time was already up!
The last person who signed up stumbled into the room. She was wearing a puffy jacket, a neon wig, and a gold kunai on chains while being covered in light blue LED lights. She looked like she had gotten into a fight with a costume department and lost, the end result being a hybrid cyberpunk gangster ninja.
"Am I late?" the kunoichi asked as she sat down to her seat. "I'm so sorry, I got locked in a broom closet by this demon fox and--"
"Jing-Jing?"
"Wh… no! My name's Jung-Jung!"
She'd said it so convincingly, but Tobe wasn't fooled! He'd know one of his Vagabonds anywhere!
...Tobe double checked just in case. Yep, no fox tail this time. Even with the identity of this new girl determined, he still had a few questions. Number one- why was Jing-Jing dressed as a cyberpunk gangsta? And number two, was she really interested in dating him?
He tried to think of something witty and romantic to say. Something that would flatter her without coming across as creepy, all while indicating that he'd like to make their date the best one either of them had been on.
Two minutes later, Tobe was still thinking. His eyes darted across the room to see how much time was left, and-
Where was the timer?!
He swallowed nervously. Without the timer, that meant there was no limit on how long they could spend together. There would be no buzzer to break them apart and put an end to whatever discussion they might be having.
In other words, this was shaping up to be an actual date.
"So Jing-Jing. You uh. Want to date. Me."
"Yes!" Jing-Jing squeaked.
"I… had no idea you felt this way."
Jing-Jing smiled nervously.
---
Jumong stepped back from the door where he was spying on his boss. To everyone's surprise, the date was… actually going really well! From the looks of things Tobe was chatting and laughing with Jing-Jing, and he couldn't detect an iota of hostility in the room. Maybe Tobe would come out of this one on top!
He waited for the inevitable. Sure, it was pessimistic of him, but things never seemed to work out for Tobe. Any minute now, something would interrupt the two- even something as mundane as that timer declaring their time together was up.
When ten minutes passed without the obnoxious bell going off, he was a little confused. He was never the best at keeping time in his head, but surely their time together had been more than a half hour, right? Jumong turned around to come face to face with Kitsune, and only his many years of ninja training prevented him from letting out a manly shriek of terror.
The yokai held the timepiece aloft in her hands, a malevolent glint in her eyes. "Oh, it's pretty simple. After our little encounter I took it upon myself to steal the one thing that's been keeping him back. Tobe's going on a real date."
"Wh- why are you explaining this to me?!"
"Well, if there's no one here smart enough to understand it, it's just not as entertaining."
"You think I'm smart?"
Kitsune barked a laugh as she walked away.
---
Tobe has started to date Jing-Jing! Only time will tell what comes of this!
Tobe has been motivated by something other than a vague desire for vengeance for what is probably the first time ever, and will gain +5 to his next roll!
Jumong stared in befuddlement. If Jing-Jing in a bad disguise was Kitsune disguising herself as Jing-Jing in a bad disguise, then where was the real Jing-Jing?
Tobe has been motivated by something other than a vague desire for vengeance for what is probably the first time ever, and will gain +5 to his next roll!
Tobe has started to date Jing-Jing! Only time will tell what comes of this!
Tobe has been motivated by something other than a vague desire for vengeance for what is probably the first time ever, and will gain +5 to his next roll!
In hindsight, this should have been the expected result. But it was quite funny to see him flop around for a bit. And d'aaaaw, Kitsune's doing something nice for him!
I totally wanted Negaverse Pucca though. That would have been hilarious~.
"Toei, sorry. Ah hate to say eet, but I don't tink dis is gonna work out. I mean, jus tink about da age difference!"
Tobe nodded in agreement.
"Dou I'm not sure vhat direction. Thecknically, I vas only separated from Ludvig a few years ago now. Ho ho! I don' know veddah to light five kandels or feefty! A fesinating feelosophical konundrum."
Ludivine continued on in this vein until the timer ended. And then for another twenty minutes. Eventually Binggure and Jumong managed to pry her out of her seat and make way for the next set.
Okay, one on hand, that was so petty and clever it's perfect. On the other hand, since when does Doof have such a grasp of other people's social skills?
Okay, one on hand, that was so petty and clever it's perfect. On the other hand, since when does Doof have such a grasp of other people's social skills?
"Yes, I'll have to try again tomorrow! And perhaps the day after that! And the day after that!" Hego proclaims triumphantly as he walks off. Maybe there's a reason Shego didn't pick up, you think to yourself.
Woah, you just looked down on someone else's social skills.
I mean, on brand for evil but like… wow. This has never happened before. You try to shake off the cognitive dissonance as you leave.
Okay, one on hand, that was so petty and clever it's perfect. On the other hand, since when does Doof have such a grasp of other people's social skills?
Like a Ninja of Love, Rappelling Down from Above
--OR-- That One Song by Poison; What's its Name Again?
---------------------------------
Meanwhile, in a slightly more public speed dating arena, in a slightly less public alternate universe...
---------------------------------
People come, and people go. Speed-dating is, in that sense, a microcosm of life itself.
But memories remain, long after people have left behind.
And sometimes, occasionally - if you get very lucky - people memorize themselves for you. Present themselves so truly, so openly, that three minutes is enough. That a life is enough.
You never really forget falling in love, after all.
The girl is blonde, with eyes like the open ocean. Her smile is familiarity itself, as though she's met the man sitting across from her before; as though she's been looking forward to seeing him again. The lights are beautiful across her face, shining on her skin - as though she completed the ambience of the surrounding restaurant, rather than the ambience completing her.
She is, in a word, beautiful.
"So, yeah," she says, putting her cheek on her hand. "Passing through Doofania and, maybe, y'know, got a little bit homesick. Lonely. Thought I'd try this whole speed-dating … 'thing' … out. See where it takes me, right?" She blinks, then cringes. "Sorry. That … that too much information?"
"It's good to be upfront about things, in a burgeoning romance," Tobe responds to her, easy, confident. He does not seem to see the irony in saying this while wearing a mask.
"Oh, I completely agree!" his three-minute partner enthuses. "Like, man, I've been in a relationship like that before? Where people kept secrets from each other? Things went so bad, I-"
She stops.
"...buuuuut there's a difference between being 'open' and 'oversharing'!" Another grimace. "Ugh. I'm really off my game, today."
Tobe laughs, but … it trails off. "I'm, uh … pretty nervous, too."
Something soft, and warm, enters the girls' eyes. "Hence the mask?"
"What mask?"
There is only the chatter of other tables, for a moment.
"Well, what's got you so nervous, then?" the girl asks.
"Oh, this and that," Tobe says, leaning back. "Fate. Power. Destiny." Another pause. "Also, I think the meatball sub sandwich I had earlier today is coming back on me."
The girl giggle-snorts, a melody, the platonic ideal of the lilt. "Remember what I said about 'oversharing'?"
"Sorry to say I don't," Tobe strikes a suitably dramatic pose. "I was too distracted by your enchanting eyes!"
The girl laughs outright, and there's no lilt to it this time – this is a guffaw, a hearty gutbuster, an entirely human outburst. "Oh, my God."
"You laugh? At my adulation?" Tobe swoons backwards, overexaggerating, melodramatic, just like Vanessa advised, nailed it. "Ah, but the lady wounds me! Truly, love is the bloodiest of all battlefields! Surely, the sweetest smelling flowers have their thorns!"
"Yeah, but what's really gonna hurt is your shins, when I start kicking you under the table," the girl says, smile crooking over her face once again.
"Awfully forward for a first date."
The girl blows a raspberry – then smiles, again, but softer. "Y'know, that helped, actually. Thank you."
"Well, it wouldn't do for you to go to the next table nervous, now," Tobe says, shrugging, casual, ever the dashing hero. "A girl as breathtaking as yourself? Unable to find her perfect match? To see herself alone, and lonely, far from the comfort of home? No," he shakes his head. "No, one of us should have some success tonight."
He sighs, a little wistful.
The girl is quick. She picks up the hint Tobe isn't aware he dropped. "Hey, now. Don't sell yourself short." She leans forwards, arms crossed, smirking as though sharing a secret. "There's a magic to these kinds of places, y'know? People tend to find who they're supposed to find, if they just … go on the hunt."
"You think me a rabbit?"
Another giggle from the girl. "You prefer something with scales?"
Tobe thinks. "An aardvark," he finally says, with a solemn nod.
The girl applauds, but lightly. "Then hereby, ye shall be considered the most powerful and handsome aardvark on planet Earth!"
Tobe takes the bow, as urged. "You are too kind to me."
"But seriously," the girl says, comforting, warm. "Just … remember that you're here for a reason, right?" She indicates the rest of the room. "You've got plenty of chances left. Why give up so soon? I mean…" And now she blushes, just a little. "You've impressed me, for what it's worth."
And now, finally, Tobe seems stunned – blinks, between what are definitely stares. "Oh. Uh.." he coughs, a nervous tic. "I – thank you. Thank you very much?"
Another soft giggle. "You're cute."
He's silent, now, but Tobe's blush speaks volumes.
"And I don't think you have anything to worry about, anyway," the girl shrugs. "Trust me, I know a thing or two about destiny, about six things in regards to fate, and a bajillion ways to gather power, and as far as I can tell -"
The bell dings. Three minutes are up.
"Ah, whoops," the girl says, standing, picking up her gloves. They're beautiful, blue like her eyes, like her dress, like the clear summer sky. "That's all we get, I guess. But … thanks. You really helped me out."
Tobe coughs, still a little nervous. "It was my pleasure …" he falters "Oh, shoot, I didn't even ask your name! I totally screwed this up!" A little panicked, he continues: "Tobe. My name's Tobe. What's yours?"
One last giggle from the girl. "It's lovely to meet you, Tobe," she says, offering out her hand to shake.
In the moment before he grasps her hand, Tobe spys the birthmark on it. It's a striking thing. Unforgettable. Something like destiny.
Shaped like a dragon, almost.
"My name's Rose."
What could have been.
I actually worked up the courage to present this idea to our illustrious DMs directly. Made in Heaven pointed out, unfortuantely, that there wasn't really a reason for Rose to be in Doofania? Accurate! But painful.
Still. If I were ever going to write a "full length" Doofquest fanfic, this'd probably be it.
I've figured out that it's a American Dragon character, but for some reason when I heard Blond girl named Rose I thought Rose Tyler. Not british enough for it, mind, but still.
I'm sad, because I wanted him to look to Naruto or some other anime ninja or inspiration. Going the route of the anime harem protagonist so he can be sure to find the best love to help him on his quest for... whatever he''s quesing for now could have been hilarious.
Loved it, though I think Rose on a solo hunt for a certain troublesome fox spirit could have justified her presence. Using Tobe as cover for being in the area, infiltrating the business until the false romance becomes real... well, perhaps next time.
I've figured out that it's a American Dragon character, but for some reason when I heard Blond girl named Rose I thought Rose Tyler. Not british enough for it, mind, but still.
Well, not that we were looking to hire her, but we do know Momokase is looking for work now, so that's neat. On the other hand, after this she might not be taking our calls.
Once again, excellent omake writing skills! And this was very, very sweet. A shame Rose couldn't make the cut, but yeah, she has little to no reason to be in Doofania. Not unless she somehow met up with Vanessa in her civilian identity and hit off with her.
