Introduction With The Scientist almost halfway done, I decided now's the time to post the other fic that I project will be similarly short. In addition, alot of the shorter fic projects I have will be finished soon. I want to start tying up loose ends on a lot of my high concept fics.
— Numen
Don't Download This Song (Worm)
1. The Last Download
Another day in hell came to an end. Another day in the drab and soul-less Hades that was Winslow.
I trudged home, jacked into my earphones, one old MP3 player clutched in my left hand. It was my most precious possession. Something I had kept a secret from Sophia, Emma, and Madison.
They trashed my Walkman because it was obvious. But my MP3 player was small and easily concealed. That was how it had survived for this long.
"I'm home." I called out to no one. Dad would still be at work right now.
I walked upstairs on tired legs, lazily swung the door of my room open and sank down in my comfy armchair.
Booting up my old desktop computer, I hurriedly checked the news.
Paige McGabee's latest song was leaked!
"Yes!"
According to the super villain Coil, he had one of his agents secretly record Canary's super exclusive pre-release performance of the song in South Korea— apparently because the song was in Korean. Only the super wealthy was present at the concert— rumours said she performed in lingerie too, which probably explained why rich old white people was there. Except for Max Anders. Who was fairly young.
According to the rumours, the files of that recording was made and then trafficked out of Seoul, into China and then into the Russian Federation. There Coil handed the files over to the Sleeper.
There no one knows what happened to it, except that for sure those Russian hackers would be uploading stuff to the internet. God bless Russian pirates.
I double-clicked on LIMEWIRE icon, ignored the pop ups, and other warnings my anti-virus software screamed at me and quickly searched for her song.
If I knew the internet, some noble villain should have already uploaded her song.
And there it was.
I hit download. This was going to take a while, so few people have a seed for that song right now, but give it time and the Peer to Peer network would help each other, as God intended.
+++
"Gotcha!" Colin Walis snarled as he typed away, eyes lighting up with glee as he begin to pull as much information as he could from the spyware he had designed.
"What is it?" Dragon asked.
"Found the Brockton Pirate. We put in that tracing trojan in Paige McGabee's latest song. Looks like it had paid off."
"The Brockton Pirate?" Dragon asked with curiosity. "Is that some sort of cape?"
Colin continued typing away as he elaborated. "No idea. It's what the PRT ENE's special operations division refers to the mysterious downloader who had illegally pirated over 500,000 songs. That's more than twenty times more songs downloaded than the next most notorious pirate in Brockton Bay, All-Seeing-Eye."
"I see. So the Brockton Pirate is absolutely evil then?"
"Right next to the Slaughterhouse Nine." Colin declared.
+++
I grinned as I dropped the song in my MP3 player and sighed in satisfaction.
Putting on my earbuds, I hit PLAY on my MP3 Player.
Ah. Blessings upon Russia!
That jazz! That voice! Canary was truly the greatest! Too bad she sold her soul to the Big Record Labels.
I lost myself in music for awhile, forgetting my earthly pains and worries.
Then suddenly, there was a loud crashing sound downstairs.
"This is the PRT! Brockton Pirate, surrender or we'll shoot to kill!"
I jumped out of my seat and started to panic. Oh shit they're onto me!
Fuck. What do I do?
I grabbed a hammer— I always knew this day would come, I prepared ahead of time— and smashed the hard drive. It probably wouldn't hide everything, but it was good enough.
I dashed for my window, flipped it open and grabbed the zipline I had prepared just for this purpose.
I zipped down the tinkertech zipline right to the pole near my neighbour's house across the street. At the last moment an invisible force field grabbed me and then it launched me high into the sky on invisible pathways.
Thank you Uber and Leet!
A moment later I dropped down in the docks, near a safe house.
An ABB gangbanger approached me.
"Taylor-sama?"
"Yeah." I said, a bit scared. This was supposed to be a safe house, Uber & Leet promised that it was safe. Unless those bastards sold me out to the ABB. And after I give them over a hundred video game soundtrack albums that was taken down by the Big Record Labels years ago. Thank God I had torrented those years ago during the golden age of piracy!
Uber & Leet were so desperate, they offered me five whole grands for them. I told them no. I told them that all music should be free. They were so moved, they offered to build me a tinkertech zipline in case I ever needed to escape from the goons the Big Record Labels sent after me.
"We must hurry. Lung wants to see you." The ABB thug told me, one hand on a gun.
I swallowed nervously and nodded my head. Everyone knew Lung was big on KPOP. Did he want to steal my song? It wasn't technically KPOP, but close enough.
I was lead into a car with dark windows.
Ten minutes later, I was ushered out of the vehicle and into a darkened warehouse. Sitting on a big crate, the Dragon glared down at me.
"The song. Give it."
"Why do you want it?"
"So I can burn it onto bootleg CDs and sell it in Chinatown." Lung told me bluntly.
I was filled with righteous fury. "Then you're no better than the Big Record Labels and the evil lawyers!"
It was true— Emma's father was evil. At least he wasn't a patent lawyer— those were truly evil.
Lung laughed and grew an inch. His eyes glowed.
"Give it now, or you will die."
"NEVER!"
Suddenly the walls broke down and Three giant mutant dog things burst in.
"Taylor! This way!" A girl in a purple suit shouted. I dashed towards them, as dark smoke filled the warehouse even as Lung started to throw fireballs all over the place.
I saw a crate exploded as the raging dragon man smashed it aside. Pirated VCDs, DVDS, and video games spilled everywhere, along with a knock-off Alexandria action figure.
I grabbed onto the purple girl's hands and she pulled me up and onto the back of the monster she was sitting on. I grabbed her waste instinctively as we hurried out of the exploding warehouse. Holy crap, I could feel the heat on my back.
Literally and metaphorically that was.
"Not that I'm not grateful, but who're you?" I asked the girl.
"Tattletale. Minor villainess. You may know me as All-Seeing-Eye."
I gasped.
"Did you download Canary's latest song?" She asked me bluntly, as two others dogs pulled up next to us. I noted a couple other capes sitting on there back: Tall-dark-handsome, Dog-Mask girl, and Renaissance Fair dude. What a weird bunch.
We raced down the streets and turned a corner into the really sketchy part of town. I mean all of Brockton Bay was sketchy, but this was extra sketchy.
"Um, yeah?" I felt defensive. Was she like Lung? Was she going to take the song I have and make money off of it like some capitalist scum?
"Oh relax, girl! I ain't a sell-out. I have morals you know." I could practically hear her eye roll.
"We must hurry." Tall, dark and Handsome said. They were one guy, in case that wasn't clear. And that voice….ah. That voice would be a good singing voice.
"What's going on?" I asked. "Why did you rescue me?"
"They took down LIMEWIRE."
"What." I was in shock. I hadn't felt this shocked since my mother died, when she tried changing a song on her smart phone as she crossed a four way intersection next to a train station. Her death was why my dad forbid smartphones as music players.
"Yes, there was Tinker trojan embedded in the files. I suspect that it was Armsmaster's work. After you downloaded the song, they triggered a tinker-tech shaker effect that blew up LIMEWIRE."
"What."
"Yes, they blew up LIMEWIRE, along with every computer that had it installed. Which was pretty much every computer on the planet."
"My God."
"You're the only person with that song right now."
"Holy shit."
"We need to get the Trojan out of that song and then re-release it on a new peer to peer network."
"Whose we?"
"Pretty much every Villain except Lung. We're meeting at Somer's Rock."
+++
"Where is the bitch?" Paige growled as she glanced at the other dignitaries around the table.
Chief Director Rebecca Costa Brown cleared her throat. "We're still investigating. She escaped using a tinker tech zipline. We think she's taking refuge amongst the villains."
"Find that fucker. I want her crucified for pirating my song."
Director Piggot piped in. "We're doing our best. We will find them and shut down this entire piracy movement for good. The golden age of piracy ended with the death of Andrew Richter. These last remnants of a dying breed will soon join him."
Director Tagg shook his head. "Paige, enough. We can just throw her in the birdcage, no need to kill anyone. Death is too good for pirates."
Dragon remained silent.
"Dragon, we know that you were friendly with Richter and the whole Pirate Cause. What's your opinion?"
"I obey the law."
Tagg sneered. "I should hope so. White hat hackers like you are only a step away from the S-Class threat of being an internet pirate."
Rebecca coughed. "Alright people, the Brockton Pirate aside, I want to point out the threat of the Sleeper and his cult of Russian hackers. They recently stolen and uploaded a free library of scientific research and textbooks onto a new website. This may be the most grievous case of leaks since the Simurgh dumped the CIA's classified database on Wikileaks."
Armsmaster snorted. "I will write up a fake thesis, embed it with another tinkertech trojan virus and crash that site too."
Dragon objected to that. "The same trick won't work twice. The pirate community adapts fast."
+++
I pushed open the door and entered the small bar and came face to face with Brockton Bay's Underworld.
Pirates one and all, some had been around since the Golden Age of Piracy, when Marquis and All-Father were rivals and patrons of free music, movies, games and food.
It was Marquis who funded Wikipedia.
It was All-Father who who brought Limewire out of oblivion when the company was going under.
"Hello, Brockton Pirate." A thin man with snakes coiled around him said. "Welcome!"
I gripped my precious MP3 tightly and walked forward to negotiate. I had a duty now, to make sure none of these scums tried to make a profit from the files I had in my MP3.
I sat down and a man I recognized as Kaiser spoke up.
"Our first priority is establishing a replacement for LIMEWIRE."
Tattletale lowered her phone. "Good news, everyone. Bakuda wants to defect. She says she can make a new Peer-to-Peer network torrenting service made of bombs and transfers data through explosions."
Fucking tinkers.
"Okay." Kaiser said, satisfied. "I am slightly wary of that method. Do we have another way to do this?"
"Maybe someone can convince Dragon to build one." Regent joked.
"That law-abiding goody-two-shoes? No way in fuck." Skidmark sneered. He grabbed his girlfriend by the arm and raise her hand.
"I bet Squealer here can do a better job!"
"I sure can! We'll have automated vehicles deliver USBs with the songs on them between different homes. How's that for Peer-to-Peer, huh!?"
Everyone stared at her.
Kaiser coughed. "That's even worse."
Coil held up a hand. "While we're arguing about that, someone really needs to purge that Trojan from that song, otherwise we can never safely distribute it."
Tattletale cracked her knuckles and placed a small laptop on the table. "I can give it a go. Taylor?"
I sighed and handed her my precious MP3s.
"Don't break it, or I'll kill you." I told the villainess, completely serious.
She nodded her head.
"Great. Someone should put in a defense against Armsmaster styled trojans in general— who can do that?"
"Probably, Dragon, but again, she'd never do it."
"Little bitch was a traitor to everything her father stood for."
Everyone nodded their heads. Andrew Richter was the greatest hacker in history, except for possibly the Simurgh. His rivalry with the Number-Man was legendary.
"Oh fuck." Hookwolf said, raising his phone.
"Armsmaster is doing meme magic on PHO."
I paled and looked around, expecting a frog monster to jump from the shadows any moment.
"We need to relocate immediately. He's probably scrying for our location." Traveler said.
"Or giving us bad luck. Or any number of reality breaking bullshit." Grue muttered.
They used to say that Tinkers were bullshit. But ever since Precogs discovered and refined the secret art of meme magic, that was the new standard for bullshit. All kinds of things, like Endbringers and the origins of Parahumans were attributed to ancient meme magic.
"Meme magic isn't real." Coil said. "It's an urban myth started by Precogs who think its the next big religion of the near future."
"Blasphemy." Regent retorted. "But you go on believing that. I will be countering Armsmaster's meme magic with my own."
Faultline sighed. "I am part of the Witchblr community. I can help." She whipped out her phone.
"Topkek." Regent said in lieu of an amen.
+++
Colin scowled. "Fucking trolls. They're trying to spam my inbox. And that stupid old Halbeard Meme! God, these kids don't grow up."
"Colin, meme magic isn't real." Dragon said exasperatedly.
As the villains worked through the night, many operating in smaller groups as they worked out plans for hiding from the authorities, launching distraction operations or smuggling in more manpower and supplies from overseas pirate havens; I sat anxiously waiting next to Regent and Faultline as they smacked away on their phones.
"Oh, that meme!" Regent laughed. "He actually posted that old meme."
"The bastard." Faultline grumbled.
"Don't worry, Faulty, I got this. I got apps for making custom crafted memes on the spot." Regent reassured her as he bent back down over his phone.
Inching away from the gathering nexus of potentially deadly magic, I shifted over and watched Tatttetale smacking away on her keyboard as lines of code scrolled through the screen.
"Is that really how hacking works? Just typing randomly and watch lines of code scroll by?" I asked her. I mean I see this in movies all the time, but….I had thought real life would be different.
"That's how Tinker-Hacking works, Taylor." Tattletale replied as hunched over and narrowed her eyes at a particular segment of code.
I looked closer and it looked like an ASCII art of an erect penis.
Huh.
Tattletale snarled. "Damn. This is harder than I thought. Armsmaster actually had Phir Sē helped out with this part of the code"
"Isn't Phir Sē like, a shaker-mover— Not a tinker or thinker?"
"Yes, but he's Indian. They're good at coding and math and stuff."
Ah. She had a good point. They all had like had a Thinker Zero rating at the very least.
The villainess pointed at a particular part of the screen that looked like a bunch of random numbers to me. "See that? That's fucking time math. It's an extra security measure to defend against me purging the trojan from the mp3 file."
She reached into a black bag leaning against her chair and took out a Nintendo Power Glove, but it had strange customizations and cables attached to it.
I blinked. "What."
She slipped on the ancient gaming accessory and grinned. "This is Leet-tech. Time to do me some time-hacking."
It was going to be a long night.
+++
"So Brockton Pirate, where would you like to stay?" Kaiser asked. "The Empire would be happy to host you. You are of the right stock—"
I heard Skidmark snort at that.
"— and we could put you with a nice white family. They are very nice people, I know the couple personally and they love children, it was unfortunate they can't have any themselves."
"Uh…"
Skidmark stood up. "Now hold up, Kaiser. Girl looks like she parties hard. She should come with us. Girl, you can have all the coke and meth you want. My treat."
"Uh…"
"Skidmark, she's a proper girl, not like you and your race-traitor skank. Come on, between the two of us, I am the only real choice— what was she going to do, go beg sanctuary from Lung? The filthy bootlegger?"
I glanced at Faultline, but she shrugged and said. "Can you afford rent?"
I scowled and turned away. Fine, I didn't want to live at a nightclub anyway.
Tattletale coughed. "She can stay with us. The Undersiders I mean."
I jumped at the lifeline I had been given.
"Yes! I'll stay with the Undersiders, thank you all very much— but yeah. I am staying with the Undersiders. They're more my age, more hip."
"Cool." Grue said.
+++
Tattletale took off her domino mask and revealed a freckled face blonde underneath.
"The name's Lisa." She said, shaking my hand.
Grue took off his helmet, and my breath caught in my throat. Oooogh, hot!
"I am—"
"Black." I said. Then flashed scarlet.
Lisa and Regent chortled.
"Yeah, that clearly is my most important attribute and how I base my identity." He sighed and shook my hand. Nice grip.
Regent took off his mask. "Well, I am white."
Brian smacked the back of his head, and the cape yelped.
"I was just joking, jeez! Name's Alec." He didn't shake my hand. That was fine who knows what was on them.
I turned to the last girl.
Lisa spoke up. "That's Rachel Lindt. Cape name, Bitch. The PRT calls her Hellhound though."
"I am a dog." Rachel told me seriously, as she petted her puppers.
"What."
"It's true." Alec confirmed.
+++
"Little Owl, why so glum?"
Little Taylor frowned. "I hate this song! It's so stupid."
Annette sighed. "Fine, I'll change it."
She picked up her phone— one wire jacked into the car's speakers so the glorious tunes of the Backstreet Boys could be heard.
"How about this song, wait a second, what is this stupid—" Annette swiped furiously in annoyance.
Taylor was just about to ask what was wrong when a truck slammed into the car.
Taylor screamed as their vehicle flipped and got punted by the truck behind them— and they rolled into the path of a train.
"Why was there so many fucking trucks?" Annette asked herself before her side of the car got punched in by a speeding train.
The car flew high into the air then rolled to a stop next to a homeless person. The homeless man ran away in fright, dropping his walkman. The ambulances, fire trucks and police cruisers arrived soon afterwards.
Taylor didn't have a single scratch on her. Annette was dead as a doornail.
After they explained to her dad what happened, Danny banned all the smartphones from the Hebert Household. It was MP3s from that point onwards, which was fine with Taylor.
Smartphones were tinkertech and super easy to brick anyway.
+++
I woke with a gasp, and quickly wiped away my tears.
My fault. All my fault. I had almost forgotten, if I hadn't asked mom to change that song….
"Bad dreams?"
I looked up and flushed scarlet as Brian stood at the doorway.
"It's fine. I was just...I was overly stimulated from last night's events." I explained.
I paused as I considered what had just said.
That sounded about right.
"So…."
"Well, breakfast. And Tattletale is still trying to purge that damn trojan. Armsmaster does good work, even he's a cold hearted bastard and a vile dark magician."
I shuddered as I remembered the horrible threads full of memes that Armsmaster had filled up last night. The meme war raged all night as Regent and Faultline teamed up with Rune and even Uber and Leet to counter Armsmaster rapid fire meme magical onslaught.
The fact that we're still alive right now probably meant Armsmaster was defeated. For now.
I walked outside and waved at the others seated around the wooden table, enjoying their breakfast. I stayed the night at the Undersiders' loft. I sure as hell wasn't staying at a Nightclub (Faultline), a Coke Den (Merchants), a warehouse of bootleg goods (ABB) or a nice suburban family home in a white neighbourhood (Empire).
So yeah.
Undersiders it was.
I ate slowly, memories of my bad dream fresh in my mind. Also this cereal, it was ridiculously sweet. It was like pure sugar.
"What is this crap?"
Alec grabbed the box and held it up. On the cover was Legend floating above a rainbow.
"Legend's Lucky Loincloth!" Alec shouted.
I looked down at my cereal— yes they were shaped like loincloths. Which was odd, to my knowledge, Legend never wore loincloths.
"100% sugar. Huh." Alec was reading from the back of the box.
"Whaaa— impossible!" I grabbed the box from his hand turned over to look at the nutritional information.
There was just one ingredient listed: Sugar (100%).
I blinked my eyes. "Wow."
After I finished eating and Brian collected everyone's dishes for us— what a nice guy! True hubby material!— Lisa turned and gave me an odd look.
"What is it?" I asked her.
"You're feeling guilty?"
I nodded my head.
"Listen Taylor, I need to tell you something important." She stood up and gestured for me to follow her to her room. My heart went baddum-baddum.
Oh my god. Was this going to be like I kissed a girl by Katy Perry?
"No!" Lisa said, frowning at me.
"Oh, okay. So what is it then? Oh my god, Brian is your boyfriend isn't he?"
"Uh…"
I sniffed. "Why're all the nice guys taken. Or unavailable. Or gay."
"Taylor! Focus!"
I looked at her. She had assumed a classic crossed arm, legs wide apart pose™, so I was forced to pay attention. The pose was somewhat ruined by the fact she was still in her long sleeved pajamas— nice polka dots!
"It wasn't your fault." She said.
"What?"
What wasn't my fault? The PRT trying to arrest me for breaking international copyright law? Of course that wasn't my fault. I was a free entity, beholden to no man and no laws, and no government regulation.
"Your mom's death. It wasn't your fault."
I frowned. "Yes it was my fault! If I hadn't told her to change the song—"
"And she would have. One swipe was all it would take. But the music software she was using chose that time to bombard her with stupid ads that she had to close. Or wait five seconds until it went away."
What the fuck.
"My MP3 players don't do that!"
"Exactly. The Big Record Companies don't have their hooks on such basic and primitive means of playing music to the masses."
This changed everything.
My mom wasn't killed by me. Or even by smartphones.
She was killed by the Big Record Companies and their stupid monetary schemas.
"VENGEANCE!" I screamed. "I will kill whoever came up with this business model!"
I swore upon LIMEWIRE (may you rest in peace, topkek).
+++
Ian Leyten steepled his fingers as he sat in front of the Big Record Labels Board of Executives.
"Alright, Mr. Leyton. Tell us your pitch." One of the rich executives said as he sipped his wine, one pinky out like the privileged bastard he was.
"Gentleman! Ladies!"
He grabbed a remote.
"Behold, my new business model for the music industry!"
He turned on the powerpoint projection.
"Subscription based streaming services is the future. People can download apps that allow you to stream any music."
"How do we— I mean the artists— make money then?"
"Ah, the app takes a slice of course. However, each time a music is stream, the owner of that IP gets money."
"Ah. Go on."
"Yes. Furthermore, I suggest bringing back that old website, called YouTube. With it, we allow people to watch videos and listen to music for free."
"NO!" One of the executives shouted. "We destroyed that abomination. Hit them hard with so much cease & desist orders they became crippled. We are not letting such evil back."
Leyton frowned. "Sirs, you can let them run ads and then make money that way. Furthermore, it builds brand loyalty when you allow people to share and engage with the content—"
"No! Leyton, what you really meant is communism. You socialist scum, get out of my sight." Shouted one of the executives, fat cheeks quivering in indignation. Socialism! The very idea!
"Miss Costa-Brown! Please!" Leyton begged a brown haired woman.
"Out!"
Leyton slumped his shoulders and walked away, as he reached the door however, he turned back and glared at them all.
"I will return as a super villain! You will all regret this!"
Then he was gone.
An Executive raised a hand. "You know, maybe we should at least implement the streaming business model."
"But we'll use dark U/X design of course, tell them the first month's subscription is free, but charge them $499.99 for the month after that! It'll be in fine print, so they can't even sue us— God I hate it when the lawyers aren't on our side."
"Yes! And then auto-renew without their knowledge!" Another executive cackled.
"Muahahaha!"
The boardroom dissolved into diabolical laughter.
Costa-Brown stood up suddenly and assumed a power pose™. "That being said, gentleman. I need to tell you all I plan on resigning."
"But Rebecca! Why?" One of the executives gasped in shock. "You inherited this position from your daddy, who was a top executive and super important. You're perfect for this job, because you have no qualification whatsoever, going straight from the terminally ill cancer ward straight to this chair after your mystical recovery. Basically like the rest of us— except we all have M.B.As, so we're better than you. A little bit."
Rebecca acknowledged his point, but elaborated. "I have taken up a job offer from the PRT to head their chief-directorship. They have so much problem with supervillains that also moonlights as internet pirates, they felt that a…uh...experienced veteran of the music industry could help them protect international copyright laws. So Uncle Sam don't get sued for not enforcing the IP of foreign companies."
"Makes sense." The same executive said.
Rebecca nodded her head.
+++
"How do you know all of this?" I asked Lisa after she had regaled me the tale of how the business model that killed my mother came into being.
"I interviewed Accord once. Granted he may have exaggerated things a bit."
Wait, you don't mean that—
"Yes. Ian Leyton became Accord."
"Holy shit." I said. I swore vengeance on Accord? I had a deathwish apparently.
"Yes. Obviously, don't go near him. He doesn't like pirates, think we're too chaotic and all that. Thinks the economy is going to crash if we keep pirating stuff instead of paying for it."
She paused. "Well he's not wrong. The problem is the entire business model is too counter-intuitive, annoying, and restrictive. If they only made the service and distribution system better, maybe more of us would be willing to pay."
"But you're super villains, aren't you guys like rich from petty theft, drugs, sex trafficking and underground dog fights?"
Lisa scoffed. "Hey! We're only guilty of the first. But yeah, sure I could pay for stuff, but why would I? My cultural identity revolves around torrenting everything and anything, and burning them onto CDs or breaking the Serial-Code on games I downloaded and then don't play."
I scratched my head. She had a good point.
"So what're you doing for the day?" I asked Lisa.
"Back to cracking that damn trojan. I'll also be holding a digital conference with the other Villains regarding our progress on developing a new P2P network and torrenting site."
"Okay."
What should I do?
The answer came to me. What I do everyday!
+++
I burned the MP3s that I had with me— barring Canary's new song, the one that Lisa was still trying to purge of that evil virus— onto blank VCD discs that I found by the desktop computer in the kitchen.
"Muahahaha!"
My plan was to grab a new walkman and then I would be able to enjoy the nostalgia of listening to things on CDs.
This was the life.
I used to do this with mom all the time.
I closed my eyes and though back to the early 2000's. That was a good time...
Then the windows exploded as machine gun fire tore into the room.
Brian hurried into the kitchen and screamed at me.
"Hurry we must run!"
We ran pass Alec who was staring out the window down into the streets below. He was shaking.
"The Kekistanis are here!"
I paled. Glancing outside, I saw rows of military vehicles flying the green-crossed flag of the Republic of Kekistan.
"Armsmaster didn't fail." I muttered. "He did meme magic."
One can't go wrong with Wierd Al Yankovic. Have you by any chance seen a anime called Excel Saga? I was getting some flashbacks while reading this collection of crazy.
Giant magic demon lizards.
Shard psychology by teens.
Transformer tinkers.
Friendbringers.
I've read some weird worm stories...
But this is way out there
Clearly the Mememasters subtle machinations have taken their toll upon our heroes sanity- Their lord and saviour would be glad to counteract the vile machinations of the Mememaster if only they would contact his greatness, xX_Voidcowboy_XX! For he is the true meme lord in all his dankness. Praise be to dat boi.
A/N: Meme heavy chapter. Please be patient as all images load. Also, huge shoutout to @Anonymous Legacy for his help with all the shitposting.
3. The Internet
■
Welcome to the Parahumans Online message boards.
You are currently logged in, Armsmaster
You are viewing:
• Threads you have replied to
• AND Threads that have new replies
• OR private message conversations with new replies
• Thread OP is displayed.
• Twenty five posts per page
• Last ten messages in private message history.
• Threads and private messages are ordered chronologically.
■
♦ Topic: Pirates of the Bay, Beware!
In: Boards ► North America ► Brockton Bay
Armsmaster (Original Poster) (Mememaster) (Verified Cape)
Posted On Apr 8th 2011:
Brockton Pirate, you may have escaped my grasp for now, but I am on to you! You have nowhere to hide.
I am trained in the ancient ways of meme magic. In the game of pirates vs wizards, I've already won.
Behold!
[Image: Eye of Sauron]
[Caption: I see you Taylor Hebert & Pirate Friends]
(Showing page 1 of 105)
►Bagrat (Veteran Member) (The Guy in the Know)
Replied On Apr 8th 2011:
Oh shit, Armsmaster is kicking off another meme war.
►Myrddin (Verified Cape) (Kekistani)
Replied On Apr 8th 2011:
Did someone said Draco Malfoy!?
BEHOLD MY MAGIC!
[Image: Morpheus from the Matrix]
[Caption: What if I told you that this is just another random meme?]
►Armsmaster (Original Poster) (Mememaster) (Verified Cape)
Replied On Apr 8th 2011:
@Myrddin
Why are you shitposting again, Myrddin, don't you have work to do in Chicago?
►Regent (Verified Cape) (Verified Troll)
Replied On Apr 8th 2011:
I got one for you.
[Image: Robocop with Beard]
[Caption: Halbeard]
►Myrddin (Verified Cape) (Kekistani)
Replied On Apr 8th 2011:
@Armsmaster
Work is nothing before my religious obligations. In the name of Kek and Pepe, I sow chaos all over the interwebs. I don't just dabble in meme magic like you. I worship meme magic!
►Dragon (Verified Cape) (Pirate's Daughter)
Replied On Apr 8th 2011:
In accordance with Massachusetts State web accessibility standards , I have added transcripts to every meme posted here so differently-abled folks can also read the memes.
Enjoy the flame war.
PS: Meme magic is not real, but I've given up trying to explain reason to you crazy people.
►Armsmaster (Original Poster) (Mememaster) (Verified Cape)
Replied On Apr 8th 2011:
@Regent
Oh fuck you Regent. That meme got old ages ago. Grow up.
►XxVoid_CowboyxX (Lord of Dank) (Meme God)
Replied On Apr 8th 2011:
@Armsmaster
Oh, is Halbeard crying? You're right. That meme is old. Here, I made a new one.
[Image: Robocop with beard with cartoon tears]
[Caption: Haltears]
►Armsmaster (Original Poster) (Mememaster) (Verified Cape)
Replied On Apr 8th 2011: @XxVoid_CowboyxX
I don't even have a beard. I have a goatee.
►Fautline (Verified Cape)
Replied On Apr 8th 2011:
@Armsmaster
You know who else have a goatee?
[Image: Captain Jack Sparrow hanging off side of a boat]
[Caption: Today is the day you will always remember as the day, you almost caught Captain JACK SLASH]
►Armsmaster (Original Poster) (Mememaster) (Verified Cape)
Replied On Apr 8th 2011:
@Fautline
You know what moral event horizon Jack Slash avoid crossing?
[Distracted Boyfriend Meme]
[Caption: Girl is MURDER, Boy is Jack Slash, other girl in red is Internet Piracy]
►All Seeing Eye (Notorious Pirate)
Replied On Apr 8th 2011:
@Armsmaster
[Image:
Panel 1;Man biking
Panel 2; Man sticking stick in wheel
Panel 3; Man on ground, his legs were hurt.]
►Armsmaster (Original Poster) (Mememaster) (Verified Cape)
Replied On Apr 8th 2011:
@All Seeing Eye
[Image: Expanding Brain meme]
[Caption: ENDBRINGERS, The Sleeper, The Slaughterhouse 9, Internet Pirates]
►All Seeing Eye (Notorious Pirate)
Replied On Apr 8th 2011:
@Armsmaster
You losing your edge, how is the slaughterhouse 9 worse than the sleeper, when according to the PRT, the Sleeper is worse because he's the god of a Russian hacking cult?
►Armsmaster (Original Poster) (Mememaster) (Verified Cape)
Replied On Apr 8th 2011:
@Regent
Know what else burned?
[Image: Trojan Horse outside Troy. Troy's wall has Limewire logo on it, the Trojan Horse says PRT on it.]
► Miss Militia (Verified Cape)
Replied On Apr 8th 2011:
@Regent @Faultine @All Seeing Eye
When I catch you, you're all going to jail, all three of you. You filthy haters of America.
►Fautline (Verified Cape)
Replied On Apr 8th 2011:
@Miss Militia
Yeah, cause we're afraid of the PRT holding cells? *sarcasm*
[Image: Two revolving doors]
[Caption: Parahuman Response Team]
►EidolonIsJesus (Prophet)
Replied On Apr 8th 2011:
Is there anyone that could even possibly EVEN TOUCH Eidolon? Let alone defeat him. And I'm not talking about flight Mover Eidolon. I'm not talking about Blaster Shaker Striker Eidolon either. Hell, I'm not even talking about beast Changer Mover Blaster Shaker Striker Eidolon with the Hero(c) armor and rifle set (with the Tinker abilities and being capable of both Thinker and Master illusions), equipped with his mask, a perfect costume, control of the Leviathan and Simurgh, with Eden's DNA implanted in him so he has High Priest Shard and can perform vampire power absorption abilities while being an expert in swordsmanship and martial arts.
End of Page. 1, 2, 3 ... 103, 104, 105
■
♦ Topic: Post-Limewire Politics
In: Boards ► Micronations ► Pocket Dimensions ► Kekistan
Big Man Tyrone (Original Poster) (Verified Cape) (President of Kekistan )
Posted On Apr 8th 2011:
Fellow Citizens of Kekistan!
As many of you know, LIMEWIRE got blown up. This is somewhat controversial, since many of the more Libertarian minded amongst us are subtly in support of the pirate cause due to our views about Big Government.
On the other hand, many of us respect Property Rights and the Rule of law.
What do you all think?
Disclaimer: This is a paid message by my generous patrons.
(Showing page 1 of 1)
►Armsmaster (Mememaster) (Verified Cape)
Replied On Apr 8th 2011:
Mr. President, please help us apprehend the Brockton Pirate!
►Victor (Verified Cape)
Replied On Jan 1st 2011:
Mr. President! For the sake of Kek, do not do what Armsmaster says.
►Big Man Tyrone (Original Poster) (Verified Cape) (President of Kekistan )
Replied On Apr 8th 2011:
@Armsmaster
We don't really want to take sides in this conflict, as you know, many Kekistanis are pirates, but many are also supporters of property rights.
►ShitPoster9 (Verified Shitposter)
Replied On Apr 8th 2011:
@Big Man Tyrone
What the fuck, since when do you accept paid messages?
Also, here's a funny joke:
Your mom.
►Big Man Tyrone (Original Poster) (Verified Cape) (President of Kekistan )
Replied On Apr 8th 2011:
@ShitPoster9
Since a Precog told me that my Earth Aleph counterpart would make a killing doing paid video messages, mostly for shitposters like you.
►Armsmaster (Mememaster) (Verified Cape)
Replied On Apr 8th 2011:
@Big Man Tyrone
Who paid you? Was it a supervillain?
►Big Man Tyrone (Original Poster) (Verified Cape) (President of Kekistan )
Replied On Apr 8th 2011:
@Armsmaster
That's none of your business, Halbeard.
►Armsmaster (Mememaster) (Verified Cape)
Replied On Apr 8th 2011:
@Big Man Tyrone
It was Coil, wasn't it?
►EidolonIsJesus (Prophet)
Replied On Apr 8th 2011:
Is there anyone that could even possibly EVEN TOUCH Eidolon? Let alone defeat him. And I'm not talking about flight Mover Eidolon. I'm not talking about Blaster Shaker Striker Eidolon either. Hell, I'm not even talking about beast Changer Mover Blaster Shaker Striker Eidolon with the Hero(c) armor and rifle set (with the Tinker abilities and being capable of both Thinker and Master illusions), equipped with his mask, a perfect costume, control of the Leviathan and Simurgh, with Eden's DNA implanted in him so he has High Priest Shard and can perform vampire power absorption abilities while being an expert in swordsmanship and martial arts.
Posted On Jan 30th 2011:
So I picked up this weird object from an Antique store. I've been trying to figure it out. I'll be keeping track of my progress here. More posts to follow.
(Showing page 11 of 11)
►Morgan Sinus
Replied On Mar 2nd 2011:
So, does anyone know what happened to the OP, he stopped posting for over a month. The fuck?
We are explorers in the outer reaches of sensation.
►Bagrat (Veteran Member) (The Guy in the Know)
Replied On Mar 2nd 2011:
@Pinhead
Uh, how extreme are we talking about?
►Pinhead (angel to some)
Replied On Mar 2nd 2011:
@Bagrat
Very extreme.
►Bagrat (Veteran Member) (The Guy in the Know)
Replied On Mar 2nd 2011:
@Pinhead
More extreme than internet piracy?
►Pinhead (angel to some)
Replied On Mar 2nd 2011:
@Bagrat
Oh fuck, no!
We push the boundaries of human experience.
Piracy is beyond our understanding. They are of the realm of parasites, not artistic creatives like ourselves.
►Dragon (Verified Cape) (Pirate's Daughter)
Replied On Mar 2nd 2011:
@Pinhead
Pinhead, you are wanted in connection to mysterious disappearances all over the world and to the Fedora-Woman abduction cases. Surrender yourself to the PRT. Hiding in some kind of pocket dimension won't stop me from finding where you're getting internet access from. Eventually.
Is there anyone that could even possibly EVEN TOUCH Eidolon? Let alone defeat him. And I'm not talking about flight Mover Eidolon. I'm not talking about Blaster Shaker Striker Eidolon either. Hell, I'm not even talking about beast Changer Mover Blaster Shaker Striker Eidolon with the Hero(c) armor and rifle set (with the Tinker abilities and being capable of both Thinker and Master illusions), equipped with his mask, a perfect costume, control of the Leviathan and Simurgh, with Eden's DNA implanted in him so he has High Priest Shard and can perform vampire power absorption abilities while being an expert in swordsmanship and martial arts.
End of Page. 1, 2, 3 ... 9, 10, 11
■
♦ Topic: Return of Youtube!
In: Boards ► News ► Global ► Technology ► Media
All-Channels (Original Poster) (Verified Cape)
Posted On Mar 18th 2011:
BEHOLD!
I, the All-Channels, greatest tinker in the world, have managed to ressurect the lost website of Youtube! (as it existed since 2008, I basically used tinker magic to bring it all back).
Enjoy all the awesome content circa 2008 and prior.
Here's proof:
(Showing page 1 of 567)
►XxVoid_CowboyxX (Lord of Dank) (Meme God)
Replied On Mar 18th 2011:
[Image: Dis Goin' be good GIF]
►Aloha (Veteran Member)
Replied On Mar 18th 2011:
Praise the gods!
►Dragon (Verified Cape) (Pirate's Daughter)
Replied On Mar 18th 2011:
@All-Channels
You have been labeled a S-class Threat, and a kill order has been signed by the Chief-Director.
Not in the least. You costed shareholders millions of dollars with your stunt.
►EidolonIsJesus (Prophet)
Replied On Mar 18th 2011:
Is there anyone that could even possibly EVEN TOUCH Eidolon? Let alone defeat him. And I'm not talking about flight Mover Eidolon. I'm not talking about Blaster Shaker Striker Eidolon either. Hell, I'm not even talking about beast Changer Mover Blaster Shaker Striker Eidolon with the Hero(c) armor and rifle set (with the Tinker abilities and being capable of both Thinker and Master illusions), equipped with his mask, a perfect costume, control of the Leviathan and Simurgh, with Eden's DNA implanted in him so he has High Priest Shard and can perform vampire power absorption abilities while being an expert in swordsmanship and martial arts.
End of Page. 1, 2, 3 ... 565, 566, 567
■
♦ Topic: Komfortable Masque!
In: Boards ► Entrepreneurship ► Kickstarter Campaigns ► Adhesive Domino Mask
Accord (Original Poster) (Verified Cape) (Entrepreneur)
Posted On Jan 1st 2011:
Don't you all just hate it when when your mask comes off in the middle of a fight?
Fear no more! Our state of the art domino masks adheres to your face, have smart foam padding for maximum comfort, and a subtle stranger effect for obscuring your identity.
It's possible. I saw your campaign went up last night. Got my thinkers and tinkers in China to copy your design by looking at your product photos, and then reverse engineer it. And then have it teleported over it.
And what's this? You haven't patented your design BEFORE launching your campaign?
Is there anyone that could even possibly EVEN TOUCH Eidolon? Let alone defeat him. And I'm not talking about flight Mover Eidolon. I'm not talking about Blaster Shaker Striker Eidolon either. Hell, I'm not even talking about beast Changer Mover Blaster Shaker Striker Eidolon with the Hero(c) armor and rifle set (with the Tinker abilities and being capable of both Thinker and Master illusions), equipped with his mask, a perfect costume, control of the Leviathan and Simurgh, with Eden's DNA implanted in him so he has High Priest Shard and can perform vampire power absorption abilities while being an expert in swordsmanship and martial arts.
End of Page. 1, 2, 3 ... 21, 22, 23
■
♦ Topic: Best iz Vista!
In: Boards ► Cape Discussions ► Brockton Bay
Feychick (Original Poster) (Verified Shitposter)
Posted On Feb 18th 2011:
Vista is best ward. Prove me wrong.
(Showing page 1 of 14)
►Ekul
Replied On Feb 18th 2011:
That's a weird way to spell Gallant.
►Lolitup
Replied On Feb 18th 2011:
Vista is hot. I mean, the other choice was Shadowstalker.
►Clockblocker (Verified Cape)
Replied On Feb 18th 2011:
MODS PLZ BAN.
►Dawgsmiles (Veteran Member)
Replied On Feb 18th 2011:
Why is Browbeat so shit
►Miss Mercury (Protectorate Employee)
Replied On Feb 18th 2011:
Panacea needs love
►Iblis
Replied On Feb 18th 2011:
Panacea a shit.
►ShitPoster9 (Verified Shitposter)
Replied On Feb 18th 2011:
Came here to post this.
Yes just that.
Haha!
►Groupies
Replied On Feb 18th 2011:
Why is every thread shit nowadays?
►EidolonIsJesus (Prophet)
Replied On Feb 18th 2011:
Is there anyone that could even possibly EVEN TOUCH Eidolon? Let alone defeat him. And I'm not talking about flight Mover Eidolon. I'm not talking about Blaster Shaker Striker Eidolon either. Hell, I'm not even talking about beast Changer Mover Blaster Shaker Striker Eidolon with the Hero(c) armor and rifle set (with the Tinker abilities and being capable of both Thinker and Master illusions), equipped with his mask, a perfect costume, control of the Leviathan and Simurgh, with Eden's DNA implanted in him so he has High Priest Shard and can perform vampire power absorption abilities while being an expert in swordsmanship and martial arts.
End of Page. 1, 2, 3 ... 12, 13, 14
■
♦ Topic: Legend Thread #390 Fabulous hair edition
In: Boards ► Cape Discussion ► Global
QwertyD (Original Poster)
Posted On Jan 22nd 2011:
>187 cm >84kg IMAGINE
(Showing page 1 of 45)
►Laotsunn (Kyushu Survivor)
Replied On Jan 22nd 2011:
Protect his smile.
►Purity (Verified Cape)
Replied On Jan 22nd 2011:
I want to commit a crime.
►Myrddin (Verified Cape) (Kekistani)
Replied On Jan 22nd 2011:
@Purity
What kind of a crime? The sexual kind?
►Purity (Verified Cape)
Replied On Jan 22nd 2011:
@Myrddin
Maybe.
►A Legendary Orientation
Replied On Jan 22nd 2011:
OH_NO_HES_HOT.jpg
►Artorias (Cape Husband)
Replied On Jan 22nd 2011:
No lewding my husbando!
►AlexandriaWaifu (Waifu)
Replied On Jan 22nd 2011:
Why is Alexandria superior to him in every way?
►EidolonIsJesus (Prophet)
Replied On Jan 22nd 2011:
Is there anyone that could even possibly EVEN TOUCH Eidolon? Let alone defeat him. And I'm not talking about flight Mover Eidolon. I'm not talking about Blaster Shaker Striker Eidolon either. Hell, I'm not even talking about beast Changer Mover Blaster Shaker Striker Eidolon with the Hero(c) armor and rifle set (with the Tinker abilities and being capable of both Thinker and Master illusions), equipped with his mask, a perfect costume, control of the Leviathan and Simurgh, with Eden's DNA implanted in him so he has High Priest Shard and can perform vampire power absorption abilities while being an expert in swordsmanship and martial arts.
My 0.02$.
Maybe Kaiser should be pushing into the adoption of eDonkey v8.8 and it's network if German servers? Though Kayden would choose eMule, prefering the purity of OpenSource p2p networks.
I'm Tattletale, your hostess, and today we're going to learn how to leave PROPER and RESPECTFUL comments on conspiracy threads! But first, let's send off a quick tweet to Thomas Calvert.
Hey @DirectorCalvert , have you ever wondered what it would be like to have two dicks, but they're both as weirdly shaped and dysfunctional as a Case 53? If you haven't ask one of the preteens you keep locked up in your basement oh wait you probably already have.
Annnnddd post.
Wait, wait- I don't know if we truly got our message across. Better go back and clarify things, just to be sure.
@DirectorCalvert Hey I just wanted to apologize for my previous tweet. Here's a picture of a rocket ship to show how sorry I am 8========D~~~~(it's a rocket that also shoots jizz)~~~
Wait if saint dies is dragon legally obligated to send her computer to some one else in the goverment. Say someone who is pro pirate rights so she can continue her fathers work. My god I have reliazed we have a coil i sorta support quick author fix this by revealing the location leak was due to coils sudden but inevitable betrayal.
Tattletale: hey quick update eidolon did 9/11 and behemoth did your mom
Endbringer dick may be as hard and dense as a collapsed star but it's only half as hard as I get when I imagine all the ways the PRT is fucking us. Investigate Cauldron and their flat earths conspiracy. #Tagg2012
This...this whole...I don't even know WHAT to call it. It went so far past crack it looped around the CONCEPT of the space time continuum and has transcended to a level of...just shitposting that has no words in the collective languages of the human race past and present that can accurately describe it.
This...this whole...I don't even know WHAT to call it. It went so far past crack it looped around the CONCEPT of the space time continuum and has transcended to a level of...just shitposting that has no words in the collective languages of the human race past and present that can accurately describe it.
What on Earth did I just read.