King Robert has finally emerged after three months of bulking and prepping. It is now time, for him to properly run his Kingdom!
Big Bobby B Himself ((GoT SI))
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Mini Series Time!
~~
It had happened upon the King's Return from a hunt. One night, when he had sat in his chair half drunk and talking to himself something had changed. Everyone in the room had felt it. Furthermore, the change had been so distinct that it had left Ser Barristan Selmy carefully scanning the room watching for any threat as his hand remained on his belt.
King Robert had gone stiff and slowly turned his gaze to his guards. Looking over each one of them before locking onto Ser Jaime. That is where his gaze remained far longer than anywhere else before standing full and bellowing, "I will be off for tonight! Bobby B OUT!"
The gathered crowd blinked at that and exchanged glances. A few of the bewildered amongst the crowd whispering at one another trying to figure out what the King had meant by that. This was only the start of his two month long insanity that had drawn the fear and curiosity of many. It had begun, after that night, with the seclusion of King Robert from even his closest friends such as Jon Arryn.
Although the economy of the Kingdom had been relieved about the lack of party's and tournaments, many had grown fearful that soon a new Mad King would be upon them. For within his chambers and Dungeons was where he had lurked ordering ludicrous amounts of Eggs, Meat and metal. No one was quite sure what he was up to but many had not done anything about it. Mostly out of relief from no longer having to deal with the constant party's and drunkard ways.
Above all Queen Cerci had been especially silent on it. Refusing to assist Jon Arryn in retrieving her husband from his seclusion. Thus, the weeks passed by one by one and the non stop flow of meat, eggs and metal had flowed to the dungeons that were now filled with the strange sounds of metal clunking together and inhuman grunts. By the second month many had begun to whisper and spy on the King to no avail. For somehow, he avoided being seen. The insanity had gotten to the point that some believed he had been dead and Jon Arryn or Cerci was hiding that fact.
By the third month Jon Arryn had been banging on the Dungeons doors trying to be let in and see the King. The door had creaked open and Jon had paused at what he saw blinking a few times as his jaw dropped, "Oh. I suppose I'll let you get back to it."
He says before closing the door and quickly walking away pale as a ghost. It was only a month later had things changed. In the early morning, as the faint winds of the sea blew in through the many windows of the castle alongside the faint stench of the city Cersei sat eating her food and talking, "I must admit I could get used to this."
Joffrey just hummed in agreement as he ate his food. The lack of father being around taking alot of stress and rage off his plate, "I agree mother although Father is a strong man- I hate how he always tries to drag me on his hunts."
Ser Jamie just looked amused standing behind them. Then, his gaze was drawn to a wooden door that was slammed open. His jaw going slack as Cersei turned her sharp gaze to whoever had dared slam a door in her castle only to begin coughing at what she saw. Joffrey just glanced at his own arms and then back up at the sight as a loud voice booms, "I am done Bulking."
Dxrk ダーク - RAVE (Official Audio)
The Entire room turned its gaze to finally gaze upon its king. A towering six foot six man who now stood with no shirt on. Not a single trace of fat left on his body, and his veins utterly massive. His shirt was missing for some strange reason but no one dared raise a word as King Robert Baratheon strode into the room.
His muscles were bigger than most men's head as he strode into the room making his way to his chair. His legs were massive and some would swear that he was even bigger now then he was in his prime at the battle of the Trident. Many mutters and whispers echoing through the hall as a few of the Female Servants locked their gazes onto his stomach.
One of the Servants even whisper, "His chest- It's bigger than the serving trays."
"It looks bigger then the whole castle if you ask me," Another muttered. These two women earn a sharp glare from Queen Cersei causing them to both go stiff and silent.
Robert's gaze swept the room as he journeyed forward. Only stopping besides Jon Arryn's chair as he says, "Ah, old friend. I am sorry for the extra workload these past few months but I'll be fixing that from here on out. I had to spend the last three months getting back into better shape for my sake and the Kingdom's."
Jon just blinks, still shocked at how in shape Robert had become. His smile held warmth to it as he said, "We will be working to fix all the issues I have caused and I will be attending all the council meetings that I can. This, I swear."
"That would be nice," Is all that he could say to that as Robert patted his shoulder and kept moving to his chair besides his wife and son. He settled into his chair and waved for one of the servants to bring him food. Soon a tray of sweets, a glass of wine and a plate stacked with ribs appeared before him.
"No sweets for me and bring me a Pitcher of Water. Same for Joffrey, I will be taking him on a hunt with me. We will be having a word," Joffrey turned his gaze to his mother who glanced at him for a few seconds. Her glare melted away as she turned to Robert.
"You know he hates going on those hunts with you. Besides, I am certain you do not need him-" She goes stiff at the harsh glare of Robert. Stiff, at his gaze that slowly switches to "their" son as Robert extends a hand. Cerci steels herself not to flinch or show her surprise as Robert does not slap her. Instead, he puts a hand on her shoulder and pats it.
"I know he hates it but this is my order as King. He, and I must have a word alone about the future of all things and the nature of his responsibilities as a Heir," Jamie went stiff as Robert turned his gaze to him. The large man glaring daggers at him.
"You and I will be having words as well," The voice is harsh before turning back to his meal. He begins eating slowly and calmly as he glances at Joffrey who pouted and just glared at his plate. Robert just sighs and grabs a sweet from his tray before it's taken away and places it on the boys plate.
"Just one. Sweets will ruin your appetite for this hunt and I need you sharp for this talk my boy," Joffrey slowly takes the sweet from his plate and glances at his father. But, he simply nods and begins biting into the treat.
~~
It had happened upon the King's Return from a hunt. One night, when he had sat in his chair half drunk and talking to himself something had changed. Everyone in the room had felt it. Furthermore, the change had been so distinct that it had left Ser Barristan Selmy carefully scanning the room watching for any threat as his hand remained on his belt.
King Robert had gone stiff and slowly turned his gaze to his guards. Looking over each one of them before locking onto Ser Jaime. That is where his gaze remained far longer than anywhere else before standing full and bellowing, "I will be off for tonight! Bobby B OUT!"
The gathered crowd blinked at that and exchanged glances. A few of the bewildered amongst the crowd whispering at one another trying to figure out what the King had meant by that. This was only the start of his two month long insanity that had drawn the fear and curiosity of many. It had begun, after that night, with the seclusion of King Robert from even his closest friends such as Jon Arryn.
Although the economy of the Kingdom had been relieved about the lack of party's and tournaments, many had grown fearful that soon a new Mad King would be upon them. For within his chambers and Dungeons was where he had lurked ordering ludicrous amounts of Eggs, Meat and metal. No one was quite sure what he was up to but many had not done anything about it. Mostly out of relief from no longer having to deal with the constant party's and drunkard ways.
Above all Queen Cerci had been especially silent on it. Refusing to assist Jon Arryn in retrieving her husband from his seclusion. Thus, the weeks passed by one by one and the non stop flow of meat, eggs and metal had flowed to the dungeons that were now filled with the strange sounds of metal clunking together and inhuman grunts. By the second month many had begun to whisper and spy on the King to no avail. For somehow, he avoided being seen. The insanity had gotten to the point that some believed he had been dead and Jon Arryn or Cerci was hiding that fact.
By the third month Jon Arryn had been banging on the Dungeons doors trying to be let in and see the King. The door had creaked open and Jon had paused at what he saw blinking a few times as his jaw dropped, "Oh. I suppose I'll let you get back to it."
He says before closing the door and quickly walking away pale as a ghost. It was only a month later had things changed. In the early morning, as the faint winds of the sea blew in through the many windows of the castle alongside the faint stench of the city Cersei sat eating her food and talking, "I must admit I could get used to this."
Joffrey just hummed in agreement as he ate his food. The lack of father being around taking alot of stress and rage off his plate, "I agree mother although Father is a strong man- I hate how he always tries to drag me on his hunts."
Ser Jamie just looked amused standing behind them. Then, his gaze was drawn to a wooden door that was slammed open. His jaw going slack as Cersei turned her sharp gaze to whoever had dared slam a door in her castle only to begin coughing at what she saw. Joffrey just glanced at his own arms and then back up at the sight as a loud voice booms, "I am done Bulking."
Dxrk ダーク - RAVE (Official Audio)
The Entire room turned its gaze to finally gaze upon its king. A towering six foot six man who now stood with no shirt on. Not a single trace of fat left on his body, and his veins utterly massive. His shirt was missing for some strange reason but no one dared raise a word as King Robert Baratheon strode into the room.
His muscles were bigger than most men's head as he strode into the room making his way to his chair. His legs were massive and some would swear that he was even bigger now then he was in his prime at the battle of the Trident. Many mutters and whispers echoing through the hall as a few of the Female Servants locked their gazes onto his stomach.
One of the Servants even whisper, "His chest- It's bigger than the serving trays."
"It looks bigger then the whole castle if you ask me," Another muttered. These two women earn a sharp glare from Queen Cersei causing them to both go stiff and silent.
Robert's gaze swept the room as he journeyed forward. Only stopping besides Jon Arryn's chair as he says, "Ah, old friend. I am sorry for the extra workload these past few months but I'll be fixing that from here on out. I had to spend the last three months getting back into better shape for my sake and the Kingdom's."
Jon just blinks, still shocked at how in shape Robert had become. His smile held warmth to it as he said, "We will be working to fix all the issues I have caused and I will be attending all the council meetings that I can. This, I swear."
"That would be nice," Is all that he could say to that as Robert patted his shoulder and kept moving to his chair besides his wife and son. He settled into his chair and waved for one of the servants to bring him food. Soon a tray of sweets, a glass of wine and a plate stacked with ribs appeared before him.
"No sweets for me and bring me a Pitcher of Water. Same for Joffrey, I will be taking him on a hunt with me. We will be having a word," Joffrey turned his gaze to his mother who glanced at him for a few seconds. Her glare melted away as she turned to Robert.
"You know he hates going on those hunts with you. Besides, I am certain you do not need him-" She goes stiff at the harsh glare of Robert. Stiff, at his gaze that slowly switches to "their" son as Robert extends a hand. Cerci steels herself not to flinch or show her surprise as Robert does not slap her. Instead, he puts a hand on her shoulder and pats it.
"I know he hates it but this is my order as King. He, and I must have a word alone about the future of all things and the nature of his responsibilities as a Heir," Jamie went stiff as Robert turned his gaze to him. The large man glaring daggers at him.
"You and I will be having words as well," The voice is harsh before turning back to his meal. He begins eating slowly and calmly as he glances at Joffrey who pouted and just glared at his plate. Robert just sighs and grabs a sweet from his tray before it's taken away and places it on the boys plate.
"Just one. Sweets will ruin your appetite for this hunt and I need you sharp for this talk my boy," Joffrey slowly takes the sweet from his plate and glances at his father. But, he simply nods and begins biting into the treat.
Ah, this is bringing back memories of Major Armstrong and the muscles of peace and negotiation.
View: https://youtu.be/teL6mJfvbxI
View: https://youtu.be/teL6mJfvbxI
Last edited:
This seems fun, I'll be watching this.
Robert rides his horse panting in exhaustion as Jamie, his guard and his son Joffery ride alongside him. Behind them various guards like the Hound and the Kingsguard. All three, calmly going through the woods as Robert paused, turned his head to the forest and asked, "Jamie, do me a bloody favor and scout ahead. The rest of the Guard can join ya. I need to have words with my son."
Jamie nodded and began to ride ahead paying his King no further attention. This wasn't the strangest thing he had requested the past week and honestly Jamie was just happy to get away from the shirtless mad man. He had been dying for an excuse to flee. A few seconds pass and Joffery's groans at the Hound, "This is boring and a waste of our time."
"Hunting is a privilege for us, Joffrey. Hunting is what Mankind has done. It is an art older than even the first Bloodlines of this land and a way of the world that will live on when even our castles are but rock and dust.," Joffrey blinked at that, his head turning to his father.
"But we have plenty of servants to do such things for us. It is the duty of the lower classes to provide for their betters," Robert raised his hand. Both horses stopped at such a signal as he turned to his son fully. Shadowing over the boy who pauses at the strange gleam in his father's eye. One that he could not decipher.
The Hound tensed his hand twitching slightly as Robert turned to the deformed guard, the pair watching each other wearily, "Being able to do the duties any of your servants can do allows you to efficiently lead. Order them to do only what you'd do yourself. Now, tell me what the duties of a King are?"
"To rule, while those beneath serve," Joffrey speaks with a small bit of glee in his tone that makes Robert's scowl deepend. The bloodlust returns and is still unnoticed by Joffery.
"To Rule Fairly and Justly son. In this world, where violence is the inherent nature of a flawed reality it is up to the Kings- Those who wield immense power like us to not just rule. But to better the world, and rule justly, fairly, and in the name of those who serve us. Or, as we call it- Rule with Honor. We are provided such wonderful things in exchange for protecting and making decisions for the many indeed. That means we are duty and honor bound to protect Peasants and Lords," Robert holds the horse steady and gestures for Joffery to join him on the ground.
Joffrey jumps down with his father's help as the pair begins walking in the woods, "To crush all who oppose us then is a duty. For they conspire to bring chaos to our lands by daring to go against the legacy of-"
Joffrey cried out in shock and pain as his father smacked the back of his head, "Death and Execution is something you will have to carry out one day son. But, you must do so when it is only necessary and show mercy. If I had never shown Mercy then where would your Uncle be now? Tell me what does a Lion and a Stag have in common? They both protect what is theirs. Your blood, on both sides demands you protect what is yours my Son not destroy it."
Joffrey goes pale at that and silent for a few moments pondering the fate of his uncle had the King not had mercy. He is still rubbing his head as the duo begin walking in the woods. Joffrey contemplates those words before scoffing, "My uncle is the exception. Mercy is something that only the weak show. It allows deceit and death to come your way."
Another smack earns a harsh cry of hey from Joffrey as he begins rubbing the back of his head some more, "Mercy is something I am giving you my son. Mercy, in the form of another chance to become a better Heir. I will show you how to be fair, and just King for once in my life. . .And if you do not shape up and begin to truly learn and understand the virtues of Honesty and ruling then I believe another would be better suited for King."
Joffrey's gaze quickly turned to his father, stopping in his place. His whole world crumbled around him as he clenched his fists and shouted, "What do you mean! I'm your first Born. I have to be your Heir!"
"Tomen, would be a good pick as well. The boy is soft, but he will learn. In case you try anything with him or say anything to your mother or try anything I have already assigned Barrastian to guard him personally. So consider this your warning my son. Shape up, or you will be replaced," The Hound's face shows some shock but he quickly pulls it in and keeps his silence. Trying to stifle his growing smirk at Joffery's pale features. Robert hears something in the bushes, his head snapping to the side and staring at the moving foliage.
"Now, my son the best advice I can give is whenever you do something, ask "is this what a Targ-Shit would do?" and if the answer is yes then don't do that," Robert says growling as he grabs the giant mace that had sat on the back of his horse. Striding into the bushes.
"W-What are you doing Father," Joffrey sniffled trying to hide the emotions in his voice and his desire to throw a fit from his father.
"Getting Revenge Son. This Boar will face Justice for what it has done," The Hound blinks at that yet chooses not to question it when Robert swings his mace and hits a tree. The tree fell over with a single strike and slammed into the forest floor with a massive thud. A pained squealing filling the woods as Robert nods.
"The Boar knows what it's done," Is all Robert says as he heads towards his now pinned quarry.
Jamie nodded and began to ride ahead paying his King no further attention. This wasn't the strangest thing he had requested the past week and honestly Jamie was just happy to get away from the shirtless mad man. He had been dying for an excuse to flee. A few seconds pass and Joffery's groans at the Hound, "This is boring and a waste of our time."
"Hunting is a privilege for us, Joffrey. Hunting is what Mankind has done. It is an art older than even the first Bloodlines of this land and a way of the world that will live on when even our castles are but rock and dust.," Joffrey blinked at that, his head turning to his father.
"But we have plenty of servants to do such things for us. It is the duty of the lower classes to provide for their betters," Robert raised his hand. Both horses stopped at such a signal as he turned to his son fully. Shadowing over the boy who pauses at the strange gleam in his father's eye. One that he could not decipher.
The Hound tensed his hand twitching slightly as Robert turned to the deformed guard, the pair watching each other wearily, "Being able to do the duties any of your servants can do allows you to efficiently lead. Order them to do only what you'd do yourself. Now, tell me what the duties of a King are?"
"To rule, while those beneath serve," Joffrey speaks with a small bit of glee in his tone that makes Robert's scowl deepend. The bloodlust returns and is still unnoticed by Joffery.
"To Rule Fairly and Justly son. In this world, where violence is the inherent nature of a flawed reality it is up to the Kings- Those who wield immense power like us to not just rule. But to better the world, and rule justly, fairly, and in the name of those who serve us. Or, as we call it- Rule with Honor. We are provided such wonderful things in exchange for protecting and making decisions for the many indeed. That means we are duty and honor bound to protect Peasants and Lords," Robert holds the horse steady and gestures for Joffery to join him on the ground.
Joffrey jumps down with his father's help as the pair begins walking in the woods, "To crush all who oppose us then is a duty. For they conspire to bring chaos to our lands by daring to go against the legacy of-"
Joffrey cried out in shock and pain as his father smacked the back of his head, "Death and Execution is something you will have to carry out one day son. But, you must do so when it is only necessary and show mercy. If I had never shown Mercy then where would your Uncle be now? Tell me what does a Lion and a Stag have in common? They both protect what is theirs. Your blood, on both sides demands you protect what is yours my Son not destroy it."
Joffrey goes pale at that and silent for a few moments pondering the fate of his uncle had the King not had mercy. He is still rubbing his head as the duo begin walking in the woods. Joffrey contemplates those words before scoffing, "My uncle is the exception. Mercy is something that only the weak show. It allows deceit and death to come your way."
Another smack earns a harsh cry of hey from Joffrey as he begins rubbing the back of his head some more, "Mercy is something I am giving you my son. Mercy, in the form of another chance to become a better Heir. I will show you how to be fair, and just King for once in my life. . .And if you do not shape up and begin to truly learn and understand the virtues of Honesty and ruling then I believe another would be better suited for King."
Joffrey's gaze quickly turned to his father, stopping in his place. His whole world crumbled around him as he clenched his fists and shouted, "What do you mean! I'm your first Born. I have to be your Heir!"
"Tomen, would be a good pick as well. The boy is soft, but he will learn. In case you try anything with him or say anything to your mother or try anything I have already assigned Barrastian to guard him personally. So consider this your warning my son. Shape up, or you will be replaced," The Hound's face shows some shock but he quickly pulls it in and keeps his silence. Trying to stifle his growing smirk at Joffery's pale features. Robert hears something in the bushes, his head snapping to the side and staring at the moving foliage.
"Now, my son the best advice I can give is whenever you do something, ask "is this what a Targ-Shit would do?" and if the answer is yes then don't do that," Robert says growling as he grabs the giant mace that had sat on the back of his horse. Striding into the bushes.
"W-What are you doing Father," Joffrey sniffled trying to hide the emotions in his voice and his desire to throw a fit from his father.
"Getting Revenge Son. This Boar will face Justice for what it has done," The Hound blinks at that yet chooses not to question it when Robert swings his mace and hits a tree. The tree fell over with a single strike and slammed into the forest floor with a massive thud. A pained squealing filling the woods as Robert nods.
"The Boar knows what it's done," Is all Robert says as he heads towards his now pinned quarry.
How strong is he to knock down a tree in one hit or was it a thin tree.
Arimai
Curmudgeon
It's a comedy crack fic. It's not supposed to be realistic
"Bastard fucking my wife says what," Jamie paused confused for a second. He had been asked by the King to walk with him through the woods to see if any of the Boars were here. Already, they had killed twelve and none of the Kingsguard or even Joffrey dare Protest when Robert had taken the leg of one of the Boars and beat other Boars to death with it.
Jamie tries to decipher what the King had said so quickly before simply asking, "What?"
He stared at his King fully relaxed and confused- Giving Robert's hand enough time to dart forward and punch him in the face. His nose cracks his sword half drawn even with that short amount of time as he is sent tumbling, "That's for fucking my wife and making incest babies you Targ shit! Whats the fucking Matter? Read to many Targ shit history books during puberty so now ya like Incest ya shit!"
Jamie went stiff grabbing his sword and preparing to lunge forward as Robert just growls, "Hit me down and the secret gets to my brother Stannis and the rest of the fucking Kingdom. I'll get Ned, Stannis and every bloody cunt wanting Lannister blood to come after you two."
"Then why tell me about your delusions! Have you finally gone mad to accuse me of such crimes," Robert just sighs and rubs his nose for a few seconds. Shaking his head he just flexes his muscles while he collects himself.
"The only reason I don't kill you and my Bastards is because on some level I do love the children, so that- and a fondness for your brother and the debt to your Father is the only reasons I did not publicly release this information," Jamie remained tensed both eyes full of fear and slight bits of rage. A festering cold edge in both of them as Robert just sighed.
"You fucked countless women and drowned yourself in booze. Did you honestly expect her not to? Sorrow-" His words die on his tongue as Robert's neck begins pulsating with veins. His face, turning redder than a tomato and his muscles all flexing at once. The Veins so thick on his body they looked more like a plant's roots spread across his muscular body.
Jamie goes silent as Robert begins spitting out unintelligible mumbling before he finally spits out, "By the Gods, I could fucking forgive Cersei for fucking anyone but her own brother! By the Gods you Sister fucker I have every reason to kill you, your bastards, and your sister no matter the power has! To not just cheat on a king but to cheat on your King with your SIBLING. Kings don't fuck around with this shit! Also, YOUR INCEST HAS PRODUCED A PSYCHO FUCKING PATH- WHICH IS FINE BUT HE'S STUPID AS WELL! DO YOU KNOW HOW EXPENSIVE A DEAD HOOKER BUDGET IS GONNA BE WHEN HE GETS SHOVED AWAY TO SOME BACKWATER ESTATE!"
There was a slight fear in Jamie's eye that appeared beneath the cold cunning as Robert turned, picking up a rock and throwing it. A few seconds later a Pig squeals heard alongside a meaty crunch. Its death squeals ringing out through the forest as Robert takes in a deep, deep breath and growls, "I'm not gonna kill you just yet. Tomen might be a good heir and the girl is innocent."
"But I'm gonna make you bloody pay your debt to me. How? Simple, first off you're gonna help me with your whore of a sister by getting her to back off what I'm gonna do to the Kids! They will have gains like me by the time I'm done with them and Joffrey will at the very least be an intelligent psychopath who knows how to be a proper Ruler. Like Sadam, ya the Father of Westeros. . .By the Gods I need to lift," Robert shakes his head at his mad statements.
Jamie, sheaths his sword, the fear still gripping his heart as his mind whirls in ways to rid the world of Robert and whoever discovered their secret, "Second, you're gonna help me convince Cersi that Little Finger is planning to kill Joffrey- Which isn't a lie. Finally, you're gonna call forth that funny little brother of yours so he can help me in a few projects and earn himself enough money and honor to get his father to fuckoff. . .I will protect the Manlets of the Realm Jamie this I swear."
"You know, I still believe you're mad but if you swear that you shall not lay a finger on my sister or her children- Then fine. I will do these favors for you but- Please consider the Children and their fates before doing anything rash," Robert just breaks out laughing at that. Heading off into the woods and glancing over his shoulder.
His muscled and chiseled body coated in the blood of boars and his weapon held in one massive fist. The Anger, fading away for now as he looks into Jamie's eye. A grin upon his face as he says, "The Children are exactly why I didn't have you hung, and thrown over the castle walls. It is better ten guilty men go free then one innocent suffer Jamie. In the end, the Gold and Economic damages could be repaired even if the worst ever occurred and the Lannisters dragged the realm to war."
"For the Backing of the Loyal- The North, the Royal Navy alongside the Stormlands brings forth a wrath that you can not Stand against even with all your Gold. Combine this, with what I could Muster from the Dornish by the promise of your blood, The Tyrells with the promise of my hand, and even the bloody squids with the promise of your women and gold? Even if temporary, the land would be united as one for but a single moment to bring forth the fall of the Lions," His words echoed through the clearing.
His eyes burned with a determination that Jamie had seen only a few times, "Even in my death, your blood will spill. So dare poison me and things will turn out only worse. Strike me down, and hell will be unleashed on you and all that you love Oath-Breaker. You should have remembered something when you were balls deep in my fucking wife sister fucker."
"And what is that," Jamie grits out as he faces down the giant before him. Memories being drawn to the Mountain himself.
"That I am Robert Baraethon and Ours is the Fury," He says before turning around and returning to his genocide of the Boars. As he ventures off into the woods he pauses and shouts, "No more fucking your sister as well! Tell her to get a side piece that is NOT her brother!"
Jamie tries to decipher what the King had said so quickly before simply asking, "What?"
He stared at his King fully relaxed and confused- Giving Robert's hand enough time to dart forward and punch him in the face. His nose cracks his sword half drawn even with that short amount of time as he is sent tumbling, "That's for fucking my wife and making incest babies you Targ shit! Whats the fucking Matter? Read to many Targ shit history books during puberty so now ya like Incest ya shit!"
Jamie went stiff grabbing his sword and preparing to lunge forward as Robert just growls, "Hit me down and the secret gets to my brother Stannis and the rest of the fucking Kingdom. I'll get Ned, Stannis and every bloody cunt wanting Lannister blood to come after you two."
"Then why tell me about your delusions! Have you finally gone mad to accuse me of such crimes," Robert just sighs and rubs his nose for a few seconds. Shaking his head he just flexes his muscles while he collects himself.
"The only reason I don't kill you and my Bastards is because on some level I do love the children, so that- and a fondness for your brother and the debt to your Father is the only reasons I did not publicly release this information," Jamie remained tensed both eyes full of fear and slight bits of rage. A festering cold edge in both of them as Robert just sighed.
"You fucked countless women and drowned yourself in booze. Did you honestly expect her not to? Sorrow-" His words die on his tongue as Robert's neck begins pulsating with veins. His face, turning redder than a tomato and his muscles all flexing at once. The Veins so thick on his body they looked more like a plant's roots spread across his muscular body.
Jamie goes silent as Robert begins spitting out unintelligible mumbling before he finally spits out, "By the Gods, I could fucking forgive Cersei for fucking anyone but her own brother! By the Gods you Sister fucker I have every reason to kill you, your bastards, and your sister no matter the power has! To not just cheat on a king but to cheat on your King with your SIBLING. Kings don't fuck around with this shit! Also, YOUR INCEST HAS PRODUCED A PSYCHO FUCKING PATH- WHICH IS FINE BUT HE'S STUPID AS WELL! DO YOU KNOW HOW EXPENSIVE A DEAD HOOKER BUDGET IS GONNA BE WHEN HE GETS SHOVED AWAY TO SOME BACKWATER ESTATE!"
There was a slight fear in Jamie's eye that appeared beneath the cold cunning as Robert turned, picking up a rock and throwing it. A few seconds later a Pig squeals heard alongside a meaty crunch. Its death squeals ringing out through the forest as Robert takes in a deep, deep breath and growls, "I'm not gonna kill you just yet. Tomen might be a good heir and the girl is innocent."
"But I'm gonna make you bloody pay your debt to me. How? Simple, first off you're gonna help me with your whore of a sister by getting her to back off what I'm gonna do to the Kids! They will have gains like me by the time I'm done with them and Joffrey will at the very least be an intelligent psychopath who knows how to be a proper Ruler. Like Sadam, ya the Father of Westeros. . .By the Gods I need to lift," Robert shakes his head at his mad statements.
Jamie, sheaths his sword, the fear still gripping his heart as his mind whirls in ways to rid the world of Robert and whoever discovered their secret, "Second, you're gonna help me convince Cersi that Little Finger is planning to kill Joffrey- Which isn't a lie. Finally, you're gonna call forth that funny little brother of yours so he can help me in a few projects and earn himself enough money and honor to get his father to fuckoff. . .I will protect the Manlets of the Realm Jamie this I swear."
"You know, I still believe you're mad but if you swear that you shall not lay a finger on my sister or her children- Then fine. I will do these favors for you but- Please consider the Children and their fates before doing anything rash," Robert just breaks out laughing at that. Heading off into the woods and glancing over his shoulder.
His muscled and chiseled body coated in the blood of boars and his weapon held in one massive fist. The Anger, fading away for now as he looks into Jamie's eye. A grin upon his face as he says, "The Children are exactly why I didn't have you hung, and thrown over the castle walls. It is better ten guilty men go free then one innocent suffer Jamie. In the end, the Gold and Economic damages could be repaired even if the worst ever occurred and the Lannisters dragged the realm to war."
"For the Backing of the Loyal- The North, the Royal Navy alongside the Stormlands brings forth a wrath that you can not Stand against even with all your Gold. Combine this, with what I could Muster from the Dornish by the promise of your blood, The Tyrells with the promise of my hand, and even the bloody squids with the promise of your women and gold? Even if temporary, the land would be united as one for but a single moment to bring forth the fall of the Lions," His words echoed through the clearing.
His eyes burned with a determination that Jamie had seen only a few times, "Even in my death, your blood will spill. So dare poison me and things will turn out only worse. Strike me down, and hell will be unleashed on you and all that you love Oath-Breaker. You should have remembered something when you were balls deep in my fucking wife sister fucker."
"And what is that," Jamie grits out as he faces down the giant before him. Memories being drawn to the Mountain himself.
"That I am Robert Baraethon and Ours is the Fury," He says before turning around and returning to his genocide of the Boars. As he ventures off into the woods he pauses and shouts, "No more fucking your sister as well! Tell her to get a side piece that is NOT her brother!"
Should of done the sigma thing and listened to the voices
Mr. Cloak
Orchestrator of Paradoxical Apocalypse
- Pronouns
- I
NOOOOO! Bulked Emperor! Kill the Cersei before it's too late! Nooooooo....
*cues tzeenchian laughter*
Robert simply flexed as he walked through the wooden door. The splinters, flying across the room and Pycelle in the other room screaming in fear in an almost womanly matter out of surprise as Varys and Peter turned to him. Jon just groaned at another broken door as Robert turned his attention towards the now half awake Renly.
Renly blinks the sleep out of his eyes as he made eye contact with his oldest brother. The room, filled with a tension and hostility not there moments ago.
"You! To me," He shouts pointing at his youngest brother who gulped. Stannis keeps his face calm and composed best he can but there is still some shock in his eye over how buff his brother had gotten. Renly just blinked and turned his attention to Robert's abs.
Robert just walks over and lifts him up by the back of his clothes. Throwing Renly over his shoulder as he turns his attention to Littlefinger himself. Glaring at him for a few moments before leaving the room in confusion with a last statement, 'Finish yer meeting lads! I've gotta go teach my little Brother something. . .Little Finger?"
He slowly leaned forward his breath smelling of eggs, meat and that "protein" powder he made the alchemist guild make for him causing Little Finger to scrunch his nose as Robert hisses, "Im watching you." Without another word he hauls the confused and scared Renly out of the room.
Stannis just waits a few seconds before slowly turning his head to Jon and asking, "Do I even want to know?" He says through gritted teeth. Jon just shakes his head as Varys walks over to the form of Pycelle who was still shaking, checking to make sure the old man wasn't having a heart attack.
~~
Renly gets tossed into the chair landing with a cry of pain. Robert, pulls out his own chair and sits in it with a grunt as he crossed his arms, "Alright I know you're gay and fucking the shit out of the one Flower Knight. But we both know you've got to get married sometime."
Renly's mouth just hangs open as he tries to find a response only for Robert to raise a hand, "So here's my solution. A kingly solution. I'll find you some Lesbian to marry and you two can use the other as a cover story to indulge in whatever the fuck you wanna fuck in. Just don't let the Flowers tell you to overthrow me or I'm gonna have a word with you."
He blinked at that and leaned back in his chair finally mustering, "You know about me and-"
"You fucking idiot the Dornish know that you're fucking the man. Hell, even Stannis the Mannis notices the fact you're gay but eitherway there still needs to be a Stormlands heir sooner or later so- Ya I'll arrange this coverup marriage for you and whomever I dig up and then let you two go and be happy with Lora's. Hell, it doesn't even have to be a Lesbian just use your charm to find a women okay with being a coverup and I'll give you a Kingly Greenlight," Robert sighs and just reaches under the table pulling out a weird shaped piece of metal and lifting it back and forth.
Renly's eyes glance to his own brothers muscles for a split second before coughing and recovering just enough to say, "That is. . .Mighty kind of you."
"Drop the show. Eitherway, I know you love the Lora's and Tyrells as a whole just don't overthrow me or anything and I'll make sure you get to stay with your lover until old age ya get me? I will go out of my fucking way to make sure you and Stannis are happy. I've already gone too far with Stannis. . .But I will not lose you to Brother. So please, promise me that if I do all of this that you will do your job as Master of Laws as best you can from here on out," What else could Renly say but sit there silently and stare at the man who had declared himself his brother.
His Brother had never been this considerate to him and- It was strange. For they had always been so close but never before had Renly felt this for his brother. Even if this man was some Monster from the Old night hiding as his brother. . .he could not find himself to care. His façade of charisma slowly dropped as he leaned back and muttered, "Thank you. Truly, I- Am speechless."
"Don't be speechless. Just start doing your job even better and be the Baratheon I know you can be. When the Ice and Dragon come brother, I will need you. Now, take these weights and begin working out daily," Robert says before pausing. His muscles starting to flex as his head snapped to the side.
Both eyes narrowed as he stared at the wall. Slowly rising while gesturing at his brother he keeps talking, "Ya Renly like that lift the weight-" Renly looks at him like he's gone insane. Only for Robert to slam his shoulder into the wall crumbling the brick and entering some secret passage. Renly hears a scream come from inside the walls as Robert begins to give chase.
"Get over here you Targ-Shit Spy," Robert shouts from within the walls. The Kings guard soon burst into the room and glance between Renly and the hole in the wall. The faint echoes of King Robert echoing out alongside the faint screams of horror of whatever he was chasing inside. Ser Barristan moved like the grim reaper himself, instantly heading into the breach without a moment's hesitation.
Ser Boros just sighs as Ser Meryn groans, "By the Seven he's found another spy. They still can't get rid of the smell from the last time he heard a spy."
Drowning them both out and Renly's follow up questions to that statement was Robert laughing as he screamed, "I am Robert Baratheon! The Ogre and the strongest creature on this world! Ahahahah!"
Following this someone screams from wherever Robert had ended up, "By the Seven his back looks like a demon's face!"
AN; Next chapter?
Little Finger gets what he's owed.
Renly blinks the sleep out of his eyes as he made eye contact with his oldest brother. The room, filled with a tension and hostility not there moments ago.
"You! To me," He shouts pointing at his youngest brother who gulped. Stannis keeps his face calm and composed best he can but there is still some shock in his eye over how buff his brother had gotten. Renly just blinked and turned his attention to Robert's abs.
Robert just walks over and lifts him up by the back of his clothes. Throwing Renly over his shoulder as he turns his attention to Littlefinger himself. Glaring at him for a few moments before leaving the room in confusion with a last statement, 'Finish yer meeting lads! I've gotta go teach my little Brother something. . .Little Finger?"
He slowly leaned forward his breath smelling of eggs, meat and that "protein" powder he made the alchemist guild make for him causing Little Finger to scrunch his nose as Robert hisses, "Im watching you." Without another word he hauls the confused and scared Renly out of the room.
Stannis just waits a few seconds before slowly turning his head to Jon and asking, "Do I even want to know?" He says through gritted teeth. Jon just shakes his head as Varys walks over to the form of Pycelle who was still shaking, checking to make sure the old man wasn't having a heart attack.
~~
Renly gets tossed into the chair landing with a cry of pain. Robert, pulls out his own chair and sits in it with a grunt as he crossed his arms, "Alright I know you're gay and fucking the shit out of the one Flower Knight. But we both know you've got to get married sometime."
Renly's mouth just hangs open as he tries to find a response only for Robert to raise a hand, "So here's my solution. A kingly solution. I'll find you some Lesbian to marry and you two can use the other as a cover story to indulge in whatever the fuck you wanna fuck in. Just don't let the Flowers tell you to overthrow me or I'm gonna have a word with you."
He blinked at that and leaned back in his chair finally mustering, "You know about me and-"
"You fucking idiot the Dornish know that you're fucking the man. Hell, even Stannis the Mannis notices the fact you're gay but eitherway there still needs to be a Stormlands heir sooner or later so- Ya I'll arrange this coverup marriage for you and whomever I dig up and then let you two go and be happy with Lora's. Hell, it doesn't even have to be a Lesbian just use your charm to find a women okay with being a coverup and I'll give you a Kingly Greenlight," Robert sighs and just reaches under the table pulling out a weird shaped piece of metal and lifting it back and forth.
Renly's eyes glance to his own brothers muscles for a split second before coughing and recovering just enough to say, "That is. . .Mighty kind of you."
"Drop the show. Eitherway, I know you love the Lora's and Tyrells as a whole just don't overthrow me or anything and I'll make sure you get to stay with your lover until old age ya get me? I will go out of my fucking way to make sure you and Stannis are happy. I've already gone too far with Stannis. . .But I will not lose you to Brother. So please, promise me that if I do all of this that you will do your job as Master of Laws as best you can from here on out," What else could Renly say but sit there silently and stare at the man who had declared himself his brother.
His Brother had never been this considerate to him and- It was strange. For they had always been so close but never before had Renly felt this for his brother. Even if this man was some Monster from the Old night hiding as his brother. . .he could not find himself to care. His façade of charisma slowly dropped as he leaned back and muttered, "Thank you. Truly, I- Am speechless."
"Don't be speechless. Just start doing your job even better and be the Baratheon I know you can be. When the Ice and Dragon come brother, I will need you. Now, take these weights and begin working out daily," Robert says before pausing. His muscles starting to flex as his head snapped to the side.
Both eyes narrowed as he stared at the wall. Slowly rising while gesturing at his brother he keeps talking, "Ya Renly like that lift the weight-" Renly looks at him like he's gone insane. Only for Robert to slam his shoulder into the wall crumbling the brick and entering some secret passage. Renly hears a scream come from inside the walls as Robert begins to give chase.
"Get over here you Targ-Shit Spy," Robert shouts from within the walls. The Kings guard soon burst into the room and glance between Renly and the hole in the wall. The faint echoes of King Robert echoing out alongside the faint screams of horror of whatever he was chasing inside. Ser Barristan moved like the grim reaper himself, instantly heading into the breach without a moment's hesitation.
Ser Boros just sighs as Ser Meryn groans, "By the Seven he's found another spy. They still can't get rid of the smell from the last time he heard a spy."
Drowning them both out and Renly's follow up questions to that statement was Robert laughing as he screamed, "I am Robert Baratheon! The Ogre and the strongest creature on this world! Ahahahah!"
Following this someone screams from wherever Robert had ended up, "By the Seven his back looks like a demon's face!"
AN; Next chapter?
Little Finger gets what he's owed.
I'm not usually really fond of crack fics but this one indeed cracks me up !
Demon Face
Demon Face (鬼の形相, Oni no Men) is a special fighting skill of the Hanma family. The Demon Face is a "technique" in which the user very forcefully flexes the back muscles to form the face of a demon. The user becomes many times stronger to their level prior to activation in every aspect...
baki.fandom.com
Robert turned to Ser Selmy and muttered, "It is time." There was a bitter look across the Old man's face as he just nodded. His gaze turning to the storm brewing outside.
"Fitting weather is it not," Selmy simply nodded as lighting struck. The stench of shit and the sea washed away by the roaring storm. Within Roberts hand was the Hammer. His Hammer.
The Warhammer shining in the candle light as his attention shifted to Jamie, "You will ensure Cersei and the Children are protected. Lord Jon will be doing his half with the Vale Knights."
Ser Barristan scowl growls his voice a simple quiet whisper, "Lord Varys has promised his silence?"
"As much as his word is worth- Indeed. We have the Key Keepers, the Minters, and the Men in place to begin arrests and purging. Ser Barristan, accompany me to grab the Bastard myself. Stannis will keep the city bordered," With those words- they all gave a nod.
Without another word, Robert took a torch from the wall and threw it to the ground. Stomping on it. A few seconds later, the tower of the hand has a torch flicker out. Then another further out, and then another. The Night had just begun.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Petyr simply opened his eyes and remained silent. He listened to the darkness keenly as waiting for only a few moments before his door broke open. The towering form of Robert Baratheon standing in his. He strides into the room, dropping his hammer on the ground, "Cunt Petyr? You're under arrest for Treason aganist my economy and the murder of Ser Meryn."
Meryn, who had just entered the room, paused for a few seconds. A few seconds which was all Selmy needed to stab him through the throat and let his corpse fall down to the floor. Blood pooling beneath the Kingsguard body.
Selmy had a look of distaste and discomfort at his face as he stared at the body. Silent, as Petyr would cry out, "My lord what do you mean I am a Faith-"
"You fucked the Home Boys wife, sired a Bastard, stuck your dick in crazy and probably commit tax fraud. The last ones tempted me to spare you little Finger I admit," Petyr went pale as he slowly rose.
His eyes moved towards Ser Barristan and he shuddered. For before him, it felt as if the very Stranger himself stood waiting for the order to end his life. Yet, Petyr quickly recovered knowing no appeasement would work, "I do believe my continued living situation would benefit the Baratheon family. . . And your Many Bastards. I understand Varys and perhaps you are quite fond of them."
The implied threat brought Robert to a pause. Silent for a few seconds as he looked at Petyr with a cold fury in his eye as he says, "We will be regardless gutting your operations. I do admit you have appointed skilled and worthwhile people Petyr."
Robert simply stared at Petyr utterly silent before growling, "One of the most dangerous men in the capital- not some noble of proper birth or legendary name. No- Its a common man with a mind unrivaled."
A small piece of Petyr preens under the compliments yet he does not show it. Robert squeezing his hammer muscles tense as he takes a step forward, "So please King Robert. Come, kill me. But its only fair I inform you that not just your Bastards may suffer if you kill me. There is quite a few fragile ones near you."
"Lord Arryn, Your children, Or Perhaps your distant friend Ned and his wife? Kill me now and you will never see the strike coming but I assure you when it finally hits the resulting Chaos will be something I wish I was there to see," Robert roars out as he slammed into the stone wall.
His Warhammer slammed into the wall breaking and shattering the dust. He stands there panting and hissing in rage clearly livid as he turns to Ser Barrasitan, "Assemble a Guard of only five. Tie this man up, hand feed him, and ensure he is under twenty four hour watch. His mouth to be gagged and not a single visitor."
"We will finish rooting out his corruption, Lord Arryn will help me find all your rat holes and assets and you are denounced from the posting of Master of Coin. I would love to squeeze your skull between my biceps right now and if I can't find a single fucking source to your threats then understand this," The lighting flashed and before Petyr could react Robert was upon him.
His hand darting forward and clutching the man's throat. Lifting him off the ground as the rain poured while the wind howled, "But understand this former Master of Coin. If you've truly lied about this, or I cannot find the evidence supporting it. I will personally invite the Boltons and his Bastard to come talk with you."
Robert barely holds back from squeezing Baelish head off. Simply holding the mans throat tight as he walked to the window. Watching, in faint silence as the Stormland and Vale Knight did their duties. He takes in a deep breath of the rainy air and lets loose a deep sigh, "By the Seven I hope Ned doesn't fucking stab me thinking Im mad or something."
His Kingsguard Barristan walks forward. Standing besides him and muttering, "I do not believe such efforts are warranted for Petyr"
Robert just growls into the storm and hisses, "You are one of the greatest warriors Ser. But, in that same regard Petyr is a man far more dangerous then even you or the bloody Lannisters. Just because the prick will be more then content to rule over ashes, or if Im in the Game instead of the song- Cause Chaos for Chaos sakes."
Baelish just flashes a grin at Robert his face purple. Robert takes in a deep breath clearly conflicted. Tempted to slay the man now yet a part of him deeply worried. He would have to do Deadlifts before coming to a final decision. Yet his Muscles, already quivered begging to end the Evil mans life.
"Fitting weather is it not," Selmy simply nodded as lighting struck. The stench of shit and the sea washed away by the roaring storm. Within Roberts hand was the Hammer. His Hammer.
The Warhammer shining in the candle light as his attention shifted to Jamie, "You will ensure Cersei and the Children are protected. Lord Jon will be doing his half with the Vale Knights."
Ser Barristan scowl growls his voice a simple quiet whisper, "Lord Varys has promised his silence?"
"As much as his word is worth- Indeed. We have the Key Keepers, the Minters, and the Men in place to begin arrests and purging. Ser Barristan, accompany me to grab the Bastard myself. Stannis will keep the city bordered," With those words- they all gave a nod.
Without another word, Robert took a torch from the wall and threw it to the ground. Stomping on it. A few seconds later, the tower of the hand has a torch flicker out. Then another further out, and then another. The Night had just begun.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Petyr simply opened his eyes and remained silent. He listened to the darkness keenly as waiting for only a few moments before his door broke open. The towering form of Robert Baratheon standing in his. He strides into the room, dropping his hammer on the ground, "Cunt Petyr? You're under arrest for Treason aganist my economy and the murder of Ser Meryn."
Meryn, who had just entered the room, paused for a few seconds. A few seconds which was all Selmy needed to stab him through the throat and let his corpse fall down to the floor. Blood pooling beneath the Kingsguard body.
Selmy had a look of distaste and discomfort at his face as he stared at the body. Silent, as Petyr would cry out, "My lord what do you mean I am a Faith-"
"You fucked the Home Boys wife, sired a Bastard, stuck your dick in crazy and probably commit tax fraud. The last ones tempted me to spare you little Finger I admit," Petyr went pale as he slowly rose.
His eyes moved towards Ser Barristan and he shuddered. For before him, it felt as if the very Stranger himself stood waiting for the order to end his life. Yet, Petyr quickly recovered knowing no appeasement would work, "I do believe my continued living situation would benefit the Baratheon family. . . And your Many Bastards. I understand Varys and perhaps you are quite fond of them."
The implied threat brought Robert to a pause. Silent for a few seconds as he looked at Petyr with a cold fury in his eye as he says, "We will be regardless gutting your operations. I do admit you have appointed skilled and worthwhile people Petyr."
Robert simply stared at Petyr utterly silent before growling, "One of the most dangerous men in the capital- not some noble of proper birth or legendary name. No- Its a common man with a mind unrivaled."
A small piece of Petyr preens under the compliments yet he does not show it. Robert squeezing his hammer muscles tense as he takes a step forward, "So please King Robert. Come, kill me. But its only fair I inform you that not just your Bastards may suffer if you kill me. There is quite a few fragile ones near you."
"Lord Arryn, Your children, Or Perhaps your distant friend Ned and his wife? Kill me now and you will never see the strike coming but I assure you when it finally hits the resulting Chaos will be something I wish I was there to see," Robert roars out as he slammed into the stone wall.
His Warhammer slammed into the wall breaking and shattering the dust. He stands there panting and hissing in rage clearly livid as he turns to Ser Barrasitan, "Assemble a Guard of only five. Tie this man up, hand feed him, and ensure he is under twenty four hour watch. His mouth to be gagged and not a single visitor."
"We will finish rooting out his corruption, Lord Arryn will help me find all your rat holes and assets and you are denounced from the posting of Master of Coin. I would love to squeeze your skull between my biceps right now and if I can't find a single fucking source to your threats then understand this," The lighting flashed and before Petyr could react Robert was upon him.
His hand darting forward and clutching the man's throat. Lifting him off the ground as the rain poured while the wind howled, "But understand this former Master of Coin. If you've truly lied about this, or I cannot find the evidence supporting it. I will personally invite the Boltons and his Bastard to come talk with you."
Robert barely holds back from squeezing Baelish head off. Simply holding the mans throat tight as he walked to the window. Watching, in faint silence as the Stormland and Vale Knight did their duties. He takes in a deep breath of the rainy air and lets loose a deep sigh, "By the Seven I hope Ned doesn't fucking stab me thinking Im mad or something."
His Kingsguard Barristan walks forward. Standing besides him and muttering, "I do not believe such efforts are warranted for Petyr"
Robert just growls into the storm and hisses, "You are one of the greatest warriors Ser. But, in that same regard Petyr is a man far more dangerous then even you or the bloody Lannisters. Just because the prick will be more then content to rule over ashes, or if Im in the Game instead of the song- Cause Chaos for Chaos sakes."
Baelish just flashes a grin at Robert his face purple. Robert takes in a deep breath clearly conflicted. Tempted to slay the man now yet a part of him deeply worried. He would have to do Deadlifts before coming to a final decision. Yet his Muscles, already quivered begging to end the Evil mans life.
Mr. Cloak
Orchestrator of Paradoxical Apocalypse
- Pronouns
- I
Kill him before it's too late! Seriously- Baelish is a cancer, one that THINKS! Even his contingencies will pale in comparison to the scemes he will put in motion just by existing!
It's like the rule with Thinkers and Tzeenchian cultists- kill them, and their second-in-commamd, their friends, and their family members! Make sure their surviving children are young enough that only the hazy memory of their parents is the only thing to survive... otherwise, in a decade or less, you'll have some wannabee hero storming through your castles and men with a magic sword and a sorceror in a quest of vengence!
Listen to the swole- it knows the way.
It's like the rule with Thinkers and Tzeenchian cultists- kill them, and their second-in-commamd, their friends, and their family members! Make sure their surviving children are young enough that only the hazy memory of their parents is the only thing to survive... otherwise, in a decade or less, you'll have some wannabee hero storming through your castles and men with a magic sword and a sorceror in a quest of vengence!
Listen to the swole- it knows the way.
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You can't out think Baelish, he is fundamentally smarter than you and more cunning than any number of Foxes.
Kill him as soon as you can and deal with the aftermath, if nothing else his contingencies, if they exist, depend on people to enact them, people much less capable than Baelish and so more prone to errors.
As long as he's alive you cannot be certain that you aren't being subtly manipulated while he works some other angle.
No talk, no last words just smash his head.
The consequences are not worse than what he WILL engineer in order to further his ambitions.
Edit: That's what I'd do at least, before he can slip out of your fingers, then he becomes exponentially more dangerous.
Kill him as soon as you can and deal with the aftermath, if nothing else his contingencies, if they exist, depend on people to enact them, people much less capable than Baelish and so more prone to errors.
As long as he's alive you cannot be certain that you aren't being subtly manipulated while he works some other angle.
No talk, no last words just smash his head.
The consequences are not worse than what he WILL engineer in order to further his ambitions.
Edit: That's what I'd do at least, before he can slip out of your fingers, then he becomes exponentially more dangerous.
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Arimai
Curmudgeon
If the SI had brain damage sure. Canon Baelish is an amateur dabbler. He survives because Martin needed him to. His schemes are so obvious a bloody 12 year old could point it out.
I think I remember in the books wasn't he an absolute fucking Giga Chad in terms of trickery and fuckery but mostly because he was so skilled at being unnoticed turnings it into a weappn
Arimai
Curmudgeon
No. Because Arryn was old and not paying attention, he was distracted with the incest investigation and handling his son (whom Lysa was probably hurting because her having Munchausen by Proxy explains the kid's condition). Baelish used Lysa to distract the hand and except for named important characters everyone he dealt with had idiot balls and childlike gullibility for supposedly experienced politicians. Baelish had plot shields out of the wazoo and stupid, ineptly implemented pyramid schemes that worked because Martin wanted them to.
Unlike the other warrior lords Baelish is a soft civie used to his hedonistic comforts. He DOESN'T have high pain tolerance or training against pain at all.
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My god New Robert Gained Hanma Blood As his Cheat skill Watched just due to that!
Robert stood towering over the child. His eyes overlooked her, and her brother as they played with the simple Wooden Horse and miniature Wagon.
Tomen, and Myrcella sat playing before their father who sat silently overlooking them. His eyes stared at them intently before muttering, "The only focking reason I don't strangle your mother." He grunts to himself earning a small glance from Tomen who did not hear what his father said. The boy does tilt his head curiously trying to piece together what his father had said.
Robert, stands cracking his back and popping it. His mind still pondering over the fate of the snake within his Dungeons as the door slams open. His wife Cersei standing there face red as a tomato as she shouts, "What did you say to Joffrey!"
"None of your fucking business devil now out of the room with this argument not infront of the kids," Robert says simply moving forward. Despite Cersei's push back he simply walked them both out the door and closed it behind him. His flesh is an unyielding, uncaring and slightly sexist wall.
"I swear if you did one thing to him-" Robert hands form into a palm and Cersei's eyes dart down. She can see the veins bulging on his hand and the palm twitching as Rober resisted the urge to deliver the royal backhand.
"Listen here Woman. If you keep sassing me I'll send your Son to go tutor with your god damned father in order to make him learn how not to be a bloody fucking psychopath! I don't pity you Hoe," Cersei finally unleashed her fury.
Smacking Robert across the face who remains unaffected. Robert just sighs unphased by the womanly slap as he says, "Cersei. We won't always be there for Joffrey, Tommen and Myrcella right?"
"What does that have to do with-" Robert raised a hand squeezing his wife's shoulder.
Silencing her for a second as he booms in his loud and stern voice, "Answer the Question. Unless you've been hiding an Immortality potion between yer legs. If there is, spread 'em. If not, shut it. What I am trying to say is Joffrey needs to be as smart as you, or charismatic as me. Or- Hear me out good enough of a fucking leader to deal with anyone with upptiy plans."
"Me, you, his uncles, his Grandpa none of us will be here forever ya damn Witch and when we die be it by some Sheep Shagger STD someone brought to Westeros by fucking dragons or incest or just some random upirsing. Personally, I pray I die in battle outside the Wall. . .God, just imagining how epic it's gonna be gives me a halfie. Eitherway we need Joffery to be half fucking competent!"
"If that doesn't work then the second plan is to have you and him live on one of the estates or something where you two can be safe while Tomen or Mycella rules. One of our Kids will have the throne. But- Joffrey needs to shape up if he wants to be less reta-"
Robert is smacked. Going silent as Cersei then smacks him again out of rage. Robert screams, "Standing here! I realize you were just like meee and- Oh wait you're a raging cunt and I'm a buff hyper based King. So! When I say Joffrey is going to this Dueling and Speech Lessons he's going no matter what! I also want you to pick one of his fucking uncles to go tutor with for a year as well!"
"Wait. . .All you did is- Send Joffrey to more tutors and one of his family," Cersei says for a split second. Going deathly silent as she digested Robert's lie.
Both of them stand silent for a few seconds before Cersei clears her throat, collecting herself for a split second before she says, "Fine. That is acceptable, and- I understand now. Is Jamie a candidate?"
"Yes he is. No you cannot go with. Yes I am sending him to the fucking Lannister shit cave. No, I will not call it anything but the Lannister shit cave. Is that enough bloody fucking expostion I need to go and finish preparing the Dwarf sized gym," Cersei just blinks at that for a few moments. Taking, in a soft breath and slowly as she begins to walk away ignoring her husband's madness.
Robert just sucks on his teeth waiting for the door to close before sighing and screaming, "Robert! Big Bobby b! She's a crazy incestous whore don't you fucking dare find that hot! Evil! EVIL! ALSO STUPID!"
"Yes Robert but CRAZY TITS! ," He sighs just shaking his head and finishing his conversation as he would finally feel at least somewhat content with the position Cersei was in. Smacking himself hard and trying his best to forget his fixation with crazy women that could kill him as he would reach into his shirt and pull out a single journal.
Within it, was a mixture of workout routines and diets. But, that was not all. Instead, what Robert was focusing on was adding on to the hidden code within the thick leather journal that detailed many of his own notes and memories. . .And even then, those were half lies and half truths mixed with a handful of memes and stupid inside jokes.
He turns the page ignoring an entire page given towards making a Troll face and then taps on the words "Plan Jacked Dwarf" tapping it a few times and then muttering, "Alright get that out of the way annnd. . .to the north I go."
AN; NEXT TIME! TO THE NORTH WE GO AND THE FATE OF THE SNAKE. . .in my pant- I mean Dungeon.
Tomen, and Myrcella sat playing before their father who sat silently overlooking them. His eyes stared at them intently before muttering, "The only focking reason I don't strangle your mother." He grunts to himself earning a small glance from Tomen who did not hear what his father said. The boy does tilt his head curiously trying to piece together what his father had said.
Robert, stands cracking his back and popping it. His mind still pondering over the fate of the snake within his Dungeons as the door slams open. His wife Cersei standing there face red as a tomato as she shouts, "What did you say to Joffrey!"
"None of your fucking business devil now out of the room with this argument not infront of the kids," Robert says simply moving forward. Despite Cersei's push back he simply walked them both out the door and closed it behind him. His flesh is an unyielding, uncaring and slightly sexist wall.
"I swear if you did one thing to him-" Robert hands form into a palm and Cersei's eyes dart down. She can see the veins bulging on his hand and the palm twitching as Rober resisted the urge to deliver the royal backhand.
"Listen here Woman. If you keep sassing me I'll send your Son to go tutor with your god damned father in order to make him learn how not to be a bloody fucking psychopath! I don't pity you Hoe," Cersei finally unleashed her fury.
Smacking Robert across the face who remains unaffected. Robert just sighs unphased by the womanly slap as he says, "Cersei. We won't always be there for Joffrey, Tommen and Myrcella right?"
"What does that have to do with-" Robert raised a hand squeezing his wife's shoulder.
Silencing her for a second as he booms in his loud and stern voice, "Answer the Question. Unless you've been hiding an Immortality potion between yer legs. If there is, spread 'em. If not, shut it. What I am trying to say is Joffrey needs to be as smart as you, or charismatic as me. Or- Hear me out good enough of a fucking leader to deal with anyone with upptiy plans."
"Me, you, his uncles, his Grandpa none of us will be here forever ya damn Witch and when we die be it by some Sheep Shagger STD someone brought to Westeros by fucking dragons or incest or just some random upirsing. Personally, I pray I die in battle outside the Wall. . .God, just imagining how epic it's gonna be gives me a halfie. Eitherway we need Joffery to be half fucking competent!"
"If that doesn't work then the second plan is to have you and him live on one of the estates or something where you two can be safe while Tomen or Mycella rules. One of our Kids will have the throne. But- Joffrey needs to shape up if he wants to be less reta-"
Robert is smacked. Going silent as Cersei then smacks him again out of rage. Robert screams, "Standing here! I realize you were just like meee and- Oh wait you're a raging cunt and I'm a buff hyper based King. So! When I say Joffrey is going to this Dueling and Speech Lessons he's going no matter what! I also want you to pick one of his fucking uncles to go tutor with for a year as well!"
"Wait. . .All you did is- Send Joffrey to more tutors and one of his family," Cersei says for a split second. Going deathly silent as she digested Robert's lie.
Both of them stand silent for a few seconds before Cersei clears her throat, collecting herself for a split second before she says, "Fine. That is acceptable, and- I understand now. Is Jamie a candidate?"
"Yes he is. No you cannot go with. Yes I am sending him to the fucking Lannister shit cave. No, I will not call it anything but the Lannister shit cave. Is that enough bloody fucking expostion I need to go and finish preparing the Dwarf sized gym," Cersei just blinks at that for a few moments. Taking, in a soft breath and slowly as she begins to walk away ignoring her husband's madness.
Robert just sucks on his teeth waiting for the door to close before sighing and screaming, "Robert! Big Bobby b! She's a crazy incestous whore don't you fucking dare find that hot! Evil! EVIL! ALSO STUPID!"
"Yes Robert but CRAZY TITS! ," He sighs just shaking his head and finishing his conversation as he would finally feel at least somewhat content with the position Cersei was in. Smacking himself hard and trying his best to forget his fixation with crazy women that could kill him as he would reach into his shirt and pull out a single journal.
Within it, was a mixture of workout routines and diets. But, that was not all. Instead, what Robert was focusing on was adding on to the hidden code within the thick leather journal that detailed many of his own notes and memories. . .And even then, those were half lies and half truths mixed with a handful of memes and stupid inside jokes.
He turns the page ignoring an entire page given towards making a Troll face and then taps on the words "Plan Jacked Dwarf" tapping it a few times and then muttering, "Alright get that out of the way annnd. . .to the north I go."
AN; NEXT TIME! TO THE NORTH WE GO AND THE FATE OF THE SNAKE. . .in my pant- I mean Dungeon.