This story was terrible, right? Obviously the char just a spoil girl who never knew what real...
Being a Princess
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This story was terrible, right? Obviously the char just a spoil girl who never knew what real life was like, right? We don't really care for peoples that try to change their lives after years of a nightmare, do we?
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- Location
- Victoria, BC
I think that exploring ideas and expressing your feelings through writing is a wonderful thing. I don't think Sufficient Velocity is the best place to do that. Members here tend to have rather high standards with regards to User Fiction and not much patience with personal works.
I hope that I'm proven wrong and everyone is positive, but I was concerned and felt the need to say so.
I hope that I'm proven wrong and everyone is positive, but I was concerned and felt the need to say so.
- Location
- Illinois
If it's well written why the hell should I care? It's not drivel, in fact it's decent, so it's fine.
- Location
- Victoria, BC
I'm glad you feel that way! The last time I read a story with transgender themes on SV the reception was not very positive and I felt terrible for the author. I felt like I should warn SneakyKitten; I'm happy to be proven wrong.
Terran Imperium
[French]
- Location
- Southern France
I admit I don't really understand transgender people. I don't hate them really its just curiousity and a little bit of confusion as to why.
The story is an enjoyable read, the font was pleasent to the eye and the writing style and grammar pretty good, I liked it. If you are planning to continue this however you should probably threadmark your updates for too lazy people to go through an entire thread to read the updates like me.
For the critics:
The story here was summarized a lot and you didn't show much of it just telling for the first half. The second half is a little bit better but the MC seems detached as if she is reading a story while being bored to death. There is no emotion what so ever there when the MC is supossed to have a difficult life there. For example anger, despair, sadness, sufferance or forbearance.
The story is an enjoyable read, the font was pleasent to the eye and the writing style and grammar pretty good, I liked it. If you are planning to continue this however you should probably threadmark your updates for too lazy people to go through an entire thread to read the updates like me.
For the critics:
The story here was summarized a lot and you didn't show much of it just telling for the first half. The second half is a little bit better but the MC seems detached as if she is reading a story while being bored to death. There is no emotion what so ever there when the MC is supossed to have a difficult life there. For example anger, despair, sadness, sufferance or forbearance.
Transgender themes are not a deal-breaker for me.
This story though, to be honest, wasn't really easy to follow. It jumps around in time with barely any rhyme or reason or any explanation to put events in context of each other. Sometimes the main character herself is confused why things happen, and since we only have her point of view there isn't really an answer readily forthcoming.
I have so many questions:
So apparently, in her kingdom, princesses can marry commoners? Okay.
Said commoners can be girls, even transgirls? Progressive.
At the same time being transgender is frowned upon? Or is it just her parents who are intolerant? Confusing.
The main character claims to be good with children... Spoiling them rotten? More importantly, why is this relevant again?
Also, she is a prostitute/consort for a while. Okay.
Her pimp sabotages her efforts to earn him money by disclosing her past. Why?!
He claims he doesn't see her as a real woman. In front of the queen? How did that happen?
But he still forces her to have sex with him so she can keep her job. Is he a gay pimp then? Or some kind of fucked up tsundere ("It's not like I accept your gender identity and want you all to myself or anything!"). What is the character motivation? I don't get it.
Apparently, she was a prince once, implying that she married the princess while she was still male? But the first date happened when they were both girls. Which is it? Was there supposed to be some sort of Sweet Polly Oliver plot between the two events?
What beef did she have with the king? And what does it even mean for him to disown her when she is still married to his daughter?
A witch turned her into a girl "in body and mind". But she still has difficulty passing? How so? In what ways? And... If her mind wasn't that of a girl before, what made her consider she was trans in the first place?
So, yeah, from where I'm standing, this story needs some sort of coherent timeline and a lot of fleshing out if you wrote it for others to enjoy and give feedback.
This story though, to be honest, wasn't really easy to follow. It jumps around in time with barely any rhyme or reason or any explanation to put events in context of each other. Sometimes the main character herself is confused why things happen, and since we only have her point of view there isn't really an answer readily forthcoming.
I have so many questions:
So apparently, in her kingdom, princesses can marry commoners? Okay.
Said commoners can be girls, even transgirls? Progressive.
At the same time being transgender is frowned upon? Or is it just her parents who are intolerant? Confusing.
The main character claims to be good with children... Spoiling them rotten? More importantly, why is this relevant again?
Also, she is a prostitute/consort for a while. Okay.
Her pimp sabotages her efforts to earn him money by disclosing her past. Why?!
He claims he doesn't see her as a real woman. In front of the queen? How did that happen?
But he still forces her to have sex with him so she can keep her job. Is he a gay pimp then? Or some kind of fucked up tsundere ("It's not like I accept your gender identity and want you all to myself or anything!"). What is the character motivation? I don't get it.
Apparently, she was a prince once, implying that she married the princess while she was still male? But the first date happened when they were both girls. Which is it? Was there supposed to be some sort of Sweet Polly Oliver plot between the two events?
What beef did she have with the king? And what does it even mean for him to disown her when she is still married to his daughter?
A witch turned her into a girl "in body and mind". But she still has difficulty passing? How so? In what ways? And... If her mind wasn't that of a girl before, what made her consider she was trans in the first place?
So, yeah, from where I'm standing, this story needs some sort of coherent timeline and a lot of fleshing out if you wrote it for others to enjoy and give feedback.
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Yes princesses can marry commoners and it was mostly her parents who disapproved. Ascending of boys was not the tradition here. She was transformed before she met the Queen's daughter hope that helps. Um buying them something is NOT 'spoiling them.' Thanks.
Her pimp wanna torture her. He has consorts that make way more than her. She is just a toy to him.
The queen thinks she not a real woman deep down too. And yes I suppose the pimp has irrational, nonsensical ideas about her. He got her all to himself like you say so she cannot fight back.
They met when they girls it was just her trying to make herself sound more important.
The king doesn't like a fake woman either. And just because there are laws... don't mean they get enforce. Especially anti-discrimination laws. Hope all that helps.
The witch gave her the biological parts and femme hormones to help her think more like her preferred gender. But the pimp hates her because she never truly gave herself to him even though he hates her. Not rational those pimps huh?
Her pimp wanna torture her. He has consorts that make way more than her. She is just a toy to him.
The queen thinks she not a real woman deep down too. And yes I suppose the pimp has irrational, nonsensical ideas about her. He got her all to himself like you say so she cannot fight back.
They met when they girls it was just her trying to make herself sound more important.
The king doesn't like a fake woman either. And just because there are laws... don't mean they get enforce. Especially anti-discrimination laws. Hope all that helps.
The witch gave her the biological parts and femme hormones to help her think more like her preferred gender. But the pimp hates her because she never truly gave herself to him even though he hates her. Not rational those pimps huh?
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Okay, that makes it a bit clearer. Still, some of that information would have been nice to have while reading it.
(And, okay, I may misunderstand something again: If the child is crying because it wants something the parents won't buy for it, how is taking that child and buying the thing not spoiling it? There are only two reasons I can think of why parents wouldn't buy their child something. Either because it is beyond their means or they think it is unsuitable for children. In both cases the child will learn that it won't always get everything just by crying about it. In the first case it will be because of the worth of money, in the second it will have to learn to argue why it should get what it wants. Now, if the parents are willing to beg the princess for money, that's a different matter. That means the parents have yet to learn the same lesson.)
(And, okay, I may misunderstand something again: If the child is crying because it wants something the parents won't buy for it, how is taking that child and buying the thing not spoiling it? There are only two reasons I can think of why parents wouldn't buy their child something. Either because it is beyond their means or they think it is unsuitable for children. In both cases the child will learn that it won't always get everything just by crying about it. In the first case it will be because of the worth of money, in the second it will have to learn to argue why it should get what it wants. Now, if the parents are willing to beg the princess for money, that's a different matter. That means the parents have yet to learn the same lesson.
)
Terran Imperium
[French]
- Location
- Southern France
I did take the good cop path. He went with the bad one and on much more detail. That was pretty harsh tho but what he said is true and I agree. You should probably reread the story, look up the main points and rewrite it.
As for emotions there is different way to express them like with the tone of voice(punctuation is important):
"Hello." She greeted sadly.
"Hello~" She greeted slyly.
"Hello!" She replied jovially.
Or you can make the character express them physically:
She curled up in a corner, hugging her knees she cried silently.
He raised his clenched fist in victory a wide grin on his face.
There is a highlighted 'Threadmark' near 'Bookmark' everything is there, its simple to use.
As for emotions there is different way to express them like with the tone of voice(punctuation is important):
"Hello." She greeted sadly.
"Hello~" She greeted slyly.
"Hello!" She replied jovially.
Or you can make the character express them physically:
She curled up in a corner, hugging her knees she cried silently.
He raised his clenched fist in victory a wide grin on his face.
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Huh test?
I can do that and thank you for informing about thread marks.Terran Imperium said:
Dude saying he 'misunderstood' sounds like you trying to police what gets posted with concern trolling to me. But 'kay, you warning me about meanness, and it would make me cry so? Thank you for trying.
Story Rewrite: Pt. 01
Why do peoples try to change their lives? This girl don't understand. You can do everything you can to make yourself better and in the end you still a property of fams that hate you, bosses that hate you?
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Terran Imperium
[French]
- Location
- Southern France
I was confused for a moment as to why you didn't know how to threadmark a post since I was sure you were an old member. I just noticed I confused you with someone else
Its a little bit late tho but still it is only polite after all.
Its a little bit late tho but still it is only polite after all.
Welcome to SV!
Thank you. I've had fun here. And my totality of positive votes actually almost outweighs how much I've post I believe? Ha-ha. Anyways~ Thanks for the tips everyone working on second part for tomorrow or later today.
Story Rewrite: Part 02
Terran Imperium
[French]
- Location
- Southern France
That's a really vast improvement. Good Job. There is still some things you need to correct but since I'm on my phone I can't do that in a reasonable time. I will see when I get back my PC.
Still, there is something I don't understand. Why are the chapters not in a chronological order? In the first chapter the MC became a woman in body but that's not the case yet in the second chapter.
Generally authors only show a short mysterious snippet of the end or battle before the end, not a whole chapter showing you the end in detail that just strangle and kill the reader's enthusiasm and the story's suspense.
Still, there is something I don't understand. Why are the chapters not in a chronological order? In the first chapter the MC became a woman in body but that's not the case yet in the second chapter.
Generally authors only show a short mysterious snippet of the end or battle before the end, not a whole chapter showing you the end in detail that just strangle and kill the reader's enthusiasm and the story's suspense.
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Terran Imperium
[French]
- Location
- Southern France
Well, when you show first how the story is concluded, the readers wouldn't be as interested as to what happen before the conclusion.
Take an example: First chapter I show how my character finally became an emperor, then second chapter I go back in time and show his struggle in the political field but that wouldn't be interesting because the readers already know no matter what the MC will become an emperor.
Your writing is good but you picked quite a difficult theme and subject there as a first fiction. SV is open-minded about things but the main theme is difficult for people to get interested into. A gay theme might be liked by the female portion and ignored by the male one and a lesbian theme might be liked by the male portion and ignored by the female one. Transgender theme is in between but in the bad way, both female and male tend to ignore it unless you write a heaven-defying story that make up for it.
Its known but the best way to start writing in the Internet is fanfiction. Your work is based on already fleshed out world and characters so its more easy to improve from there. That's just my advice and opinion so its up to you. Good luck.
Take an example: First chapter I show how my character finally became an emperor, then second chapter I go back in time and show his struggle in the political field but that wouldn't be interesting because the readers already know no matter what the MC will become an emperor.
Your writing is good but you picked quite a difficult theme and subject there as a first fiction. SV is open-minded about things but the main theme is difficult for people to get interested into. A gay theme might be liked by the female portion and ignored by the male one and a lesbian theme might be liked by the male portion and ignored by the female one. Transgender theme is in between but in the bad way, both female and male tend to ignore it unless you write a heaven-defying story that make up for it.
Its known but the best way to start writing in the Internet is fanfiction. Your work is based on already fleshed out world and characters so its more easy to improve from there. That's just my advice and opinion so its up to you. Good luck.
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fluttersky
❤️
- Location
- ^_^
On the other hand, though, a story with transgender themes, even if it's nothing amazing, is probably going to be well-liked by members of the LGBT community on this website, and the trans community in particular.
She's got some good points. Maybe I shall try some Ino/Hinata slash fics or something? And so does Fluttersky. LGBT may enjoy my story more because they went through it. Anyways, I did not post them in order because I write stream of consciousness, as the ideas come to me.
Terran Imperium
[French]
- Location
- Southern France
That's good just avoid doing one-shot or two-shot fics. No one like it if you create an entire thread for a one-shot. Generally, when you create one you expect it to live for a long while not less than two days
There are entire megathreads about a whole lot of fandoms, there people post multiple snippets and one-shots.
There is this thread on SV its still active, you can read some of the SVers ideas and snippets there to improve.
Naruto Idea, Discussion, and Recommendation Thread
There are entire megathreads about a whole lot of fandoms, there people post multiple snippets and one-shots.
There is this thread on SV its still active, you can read some of the SVers ideas and snippets there to improve.
Naruto Idea, Discussion, and Recommendation Thread