In the grim dark future of the 41st millennium, a guardsman writes, with just a small amount of frustration, of the many foolish deaths that have claimed others, in the hopes that future generations will avoid the same downfalls. He isn't holding his breath.
Avoiding Stupid Deaths in the 41st Millenium (40k Humor)
- Thread starter erttheking
- Start date
- Mature
- Created
- Status
- Ongoing
- Watchers
- 121
- Recent readers
- 0
- Threadmarks
- 33
-
Statistics (33 threadmarks, 140k words)
User Total erttheking 33
Chapter 1
- Location
- Massachusetts USA
(Again, putting a couple of my works on Sufficient Velocity, I hope that you enjoy them!)
You've probably heard the various ways that you're going to die a horrible and vicious death from veteran guardsmen. How an Ork will gun you down, a cultist will do unspeakable things to your skull, a Necron will rip you apart atom by atom, a Carnifex will swallow you whole, the Eldar will fry you with their oh so superior minds, and the Dark Eldar will do whatever depraved things they can think of to you, etc etc etc. Sadly these are all true. However, the one thing people never seem to talk about in basic is all the STUPID ways you can die. Things that officers never expect their soldiers to do and their soldiers turn out to be a huge disappointment. I have served since I could hold a rifle in the Imperial Guard, have been to planets all throughout the Imperium, and seen some Emperor-forsaken idiots who died painfully stupid deaths. I write this list in the hopes that a few less Guardsmen will die idiotic deaths this year. My hopes are not high.
1. Grenades are for killing, not juggling: This sounds like something obvious but I swear to the Emperor every planet has at least one frakhead who thinks that he can stare death in the face and laugh. Death proceeds to laugh all the way to the Eye of Terror, dragging one idiot soul with him. Usually, alcohol is involved. Just to make things worse, sometimes the people who die from this aren't the jugglers getting a taste of divine retribution. It reminds me of the one time a drunken Catachan tried to do it with a MELTA CHARGE! Long story short, I was on the opposite side of the mess hall, and I still spent half an hour crawling around on the ground trying to find out where the other half of my nose went.
2. Do not overload your lasgun. You've probably heard stories about how guardsmen have overloaded their power cells and turned their lasguns into makeshift grenades. While I have seen this work firsthand, I have also seen it gone horribly wrong firsthand. The thing is, there's a reason we don't use makeshift grenades if we can help it. Regular grenades have a set time before going off, which is drilled into our heads during basic training. Lasguns are not designed to overload, and the time it takes for them to do so and explode could be anywhere from twenty seconds to one. Look, if you've got your backs against the wall and have nothing to lose, fair enough, but don't use it just to show off. If you don't get killed, you're gonna have to explain to an irate requisitions officer why you keep losing lasguns, and eventually, you're gonna be fighting cultists with a stick.
3. An officer's pipe is not meant for target practice, especially if he's still smoking it: Yeah, this actually happened. Needless to say, shooting an officer's pipe constitutes as shooting at an officer, which counts as treason which is punishable by death. The officer in question had a really dark sense of humor though, so he made the guardsman in question smoke his pipe while he shot him through the pipe. Pretty messed up. Though it was kinda funny.
4. Do not use Ork guns: Assuming you can pick up the thing (In which case I'm never arm wrestling you because I could only hold up one of those things for five minutes tops. Long story, I had a bet.) don't actually take it along into combat. Really this should be common sense as Ork weapons aren't very well known for accuracy, but somehow when Humans use them they actually get worse. They jam, they misfire, and that's when they don't just fall apart in your hand. Not to mention it makes you a more appealing target because you have a "propa orky gun ta steel".
5. Do not go to any base with anything even slightly related to Slaanesh: Look, I know servants of Slaanesh can be attractive (Sometimes) but even the most suicidal guardsmen knows better than to screw one. Less people know better than to snog or grope them because that's all they need to get under your skin. If you count that one time, literally. What can I say, they're into weird stuff. Then again if you're stupid enough to actually WANT to be with one, you're probably ideal cultist material anyway, so nothing lost.
6. Do not try to outsmart the Chaos gods: I don't care how smart you think you are, you will always get fucked by them in the end, literally if Slaanesh is involved. Any deal you try and strike with them will end up with you being trapped in a loophole, usually directly damaging the thing you were trying to protect. So no, you are not smart enough, stop being so narcissistic. The Traitor Primarchs thought that they were smart, look how well that turned out.
7. The Tau are not your friends: This one I kinda understand. The Imperium can be a really tough place to live in, I'm not gonna lie. And compared to every other race out there who wants to kill us on sight (or in some cases worse) I can see how they would be a fresh breath of air. Problem is that if you join the Tau empire you're gonna get your dick cut off or ovulary ripped out and be used as cannon fodder in a much smaller army with fewer people. Also, all their talks about greater goods and their mech suits haven't done that much to stop that Tyranid hive fleet that's heading in their direction. So yeah, while the Tau have some potential as allies to the Imperium, joining up with them is pretty much hanging a dinner bell around your neck.
8. Never tell a Kroot "Bite me": Kroots are pretty much jackasses through and through, something they seem to take pride in. Their entire sense of humor revolves around making people around them feeling as uncomfortable as possible, and there's that thing where they eat what they kill. So if you say "bite me" in the rare circumstance that you would find yourself working alongside a Kroot mercenary, he's gonna be a smart ass and be literal about it. And those beaks come down hard.
9. Rebelling against the Imperium does not work. Ever: Ok, look. Nine Space Marine Legions with trillions of supporters once rebelled against the Imperium, and they lost. You'd think after that people would realize that a fight against the Imperium isn't something you're gonna win, but for some reason, people keep trying to rebel. Look, no one ever said living in the Imperium was a cakewalk, but what exactly do you think rebelling with accomplishing? At most, you can get a system independent from the Imperium. Good luck holding your own when you can't call on the Imperial Fleet to fight off the latest cosmic horror the galaxy throws at us. And that's if you actually win, and don't get killed by, say, a bolt round to the face from a Commissar, a bolt round to the face from an Astartes, a bolt round to the face from your superior officer, and if by some miracle you win, dying a slow and painful death from the virus bombs the Inquisition would drop on you. And Outreach used to actually be a nice place to live.
10. Eldar are not your fuck buddies: Let's get something out of the way. The Eldar are the most insufferably arrogant people in the galaxy. And I've talked to Ultramarines that actually believed that spiritual liege garbage. As hot as Eldar women are, they're only one step above trying to sleep with cultists. I know a lot of people are talking about that LIIVI guy and how he got to bone a Faraseer, but let's be frank. That was a one in a trillion thing. Met a guy who said he got to screw an Eldar and surprise surprise, she put a bomb in him while he was sleeping. At least it beeped loudly so I got to run and scream "I told you so". This goes double for the Dark Eldar. At least with the Eldar you have a one in a trillion chance of ending up like LIIVI. You don't even have that with the Dark Eldar.
11. Don't make fun of the Imperial Fists' name: They will actually do it. Don't ask me how I know, I just do. DON'T DO IT!
12. Never talk about things that never happened around the Dark Angels: The Dark Angels are the most loyal Space Marine Chapter that ever existed, so they're well within their right to torture you to death if you ask them about things that clearly never happened…just roll with it.
13. Don't go drinking with Space Wolves: This one won't necessarily kill you, but there's always that chance. They always bring the home-brewed stuff, and I actually got sent on a rescue mission to find a platoon that had gotten drunk and somehow gotten up into the mountains. They were all buck ass naked when we found them, and I'm still not sure how some of them managed to get their bodies the way that they were. Space Wolves brew strong stuff.
14. Don't Steal a Commissar's Hat While he's Sleeping: Knew a bit of a joker once. Wore the hat all around camp, imitating the Commissar as he went. Everyone had a laugh. Sadly it turns out Commissars are pretty light sleepers. Not sure how he thought this was going to end, but I imagine being forced to charge an Ork horde wearing nothing but the hat wasn't on the list. I swear, high ranking officials in the Imperium all go to an ironic death seminar.
15. Don't be a smart ass around an Orgyn. Orgyn are tough as hell shock troopers that will always cover your back with piss and vinegar, always right to fight for the Emperor. But bless them, they're kind of on the slow side and have troubles with metaphors. They're kind of like the Kroot, except more innocently clueless. Like this one time, a guardsman from some mining colony in the middle of nowhere told an Orgyn "Shoot me now.". Full ripper gun clip, we had to clean the lady up with a bucket and a mop. Then again she was pretty cruel to just about everyone and I don't think the Orgyn liked her very much. I mean he insists he didn't hate her, but he DID get a medal for it that he seemed pretty proud of.…I think I may want to go back and double-check what happened there with a friend or two.
16. Lord Castellan Ursarkar E. Creed's abilities are not as good as everyone says: Ok look. The good Lord is stationed on what is arguably the most dangerous front in the entire galaxy. He has stood up to the frakking Black Crusades and walked away from them alive. He is without a doubt a tactical genius and the Imperium would be lesser without him. But for the Emperor's sake, he can't hide tank behind a lamppost, he can't hide a platoon in Abaddon's bathroom, and he can't hide a Titan in a frakking bolted shell! What does this have to do with staying alive you might ask? Because maybe a certain author is tired of hearing about it and a certain author might edit the copy of his book for someone who comments about Creed's nonexistent god powers again. An edit that says that the truth of the Emperor's wishes are in a Grox's mouth.
17. Do not screw around with Necrons; Necrons have got to be one of the most infuriating enemies to fight in the 41st millennium, as their technology stops just short of being able to warp reality on a whim. I fought a long hard campaign once, got skimmed by a gauss flyer, and that's why my foot is metal now. Eventually, we thought we had taken an armory back from the Necrons, had taken an entire squad firing non-stop just to bring one of them down. One of my squadmates was pretty angry at all the friends he had lost that day and he decided to piss on it. Thing is, Necrons have a self-repair protocol and…well…he survived at least. Bet he wishes he hadn't though. I mean I was being carried by our heavy weapons specialist, clutching my stump of a foot, and she said I looked pretty by comparison.
18. Never accept anything food locals that you didn't see them prepare: Here's the thing about the Imperium, we're spread out over two million planets and some of those planets have been inhabited for 25,000 years. When a population lives on a planet that long, the countless generations tend to make them immune to little quirks that kill the rest of us. A saw a guardsman get a meat pie from a cook on some death world in the middle of nowhere, take one bite and died on the spot. It would've been tragic if she hadn't hunted an animal that the locals called the VENOMOUS DEATH KILLER six hours ago for that very same cook.
19. Don't screw around with stray bolter shells: I get that the average citizen of the Imperium will never see a Space Marine, even at a distance, and that even fewer will see the weapons they use up close, but if you find a bolt round lying on the ground after a battle, don't assume that it's empty and for the love of the Emperor, don't whack it with a hammer. I swear, not a single person felt sorry for her, and I don't blame them.
20: Tech Priests are just as bad as the Ecclesiarchy: When people talk about religious fanatics taking worship of the Emperor way too far and killing people over stupid reasons, they tend to point to the cone hats. While this is true, people tend to forget that the Tech Cult is still a religious organization that worships the Emperor, just in a different way. You not showing proper respect to their various bits of shiny metal tends to not sit will with them. I figured that out the hard way and I swear my eyes will never stop twitching.
You've probably heard the various ways that you're going to die a horrible and vicious death from veteran guardsmen. How an Ork will gun you down, a cultist will do unspeakable things to your skull, a Necron will rip you apart atom by atom, a Carnifex will swallow you whole, the Eldar will fry you with their oh so superior minds, and the Dark Eldar will do whatever depraved things they can think of to you, etc etc etc. Sadly these are all true. However, the one thing people never seem to talk about in basic is all the STUPID ways you can die. Things that officers never expect their soldiers to do and their soldiers turn out to be a huge disappointment. I have served since I could hold a rifle in the Imperial Guard, have been to planets all throughout the Imperium, and seen some Emperor-forsaken idiots who died painfully stupid deaths. I write this list in the hopes that a few less Guardsmen will die idiotic deaths this year. My hopes are not high.
1. Grenades are for killing, not juggling: This sounds like something obvious but I swear to the Emperor every planet has at least one frakhead who thinks that he can stare death in the face and laugh. Death proceeds to laugh all the way to the Eye of Terror, dragging one idiot soul with him. Usually, alcohol is involved. Just to make things worse, sometimes the people who die from this aren't the jugglers getting a taste of divine retribution. It reminds me of the one time a drunken Catachan tried to do it with a MELTA CHARGE! Long story short, I was on the opposite side of the mess hall, and I still spent half an hour crawling around on the ground trying to find out where the other half of my nose went.
2. Do not overload your lasgun. You've probably heard stories about how guardsmen have overloaded their power cells and turned their lasguns into makeshift grenades. While I have seen this work firsthand, I have also seen it gone horribly wrong firsthand. The thing is, there's a reason we don't use makeshift grenades if we can help it. Regular grenades have a set time before going off, which is drilled into our heads during basic training. Lasguns are not designed to overload, and the time it takes for them to do so and explode could be anywhere from twenty seconds to one. Look, if you've got your backs against the wall and have nothing to lose, fair enough, but don't use it just to show off. If you don't get killed, you're gonna have to explain to an irate requisitions officer why you keep losing lasguns, and eventually, you're gonna be fighting cultists with a stick.
3. An officer's pipe is not meant for target practice, especially if he's still smoking it: Yeah, this actually happened. Needless to say, shooting an officer's pipe constitutes as shooting at an officer, which counts as treason which is punishable by death. The officer in question had a really dark sense of humor though, so he made the guardsman in question smoke his pipe while he shot him through the pipe. Pretty messed up. Though it was kinda funny.
4. Do not use Ork guns: Assuming you can pick up the thing (In which case I'm never arm wrestling you because I could only hold up one of those things for five minutes tops. Long story, I had a bet.) don't actually take it along into combat. Really this should be common sense as Ork weapons aren't very well known for accuracy, but somehow when Humans use them they actually get worse. They jam, they misfire, and that's when they don't just fall apart in your hand. Not to mention it makes you a more appealing target because you have a "propa orky gun ta steel".
5. Do not go to any base with anything even slightly related to Slaanesh: Look, I know servants of Slaanesh can be attractive (Sometimes) but even the most suicidal guardsmen knows better than to screw one. Less people know better than to snog or grope them because that's all they need to get under your skin. If you count that one time, literally. What can I say, they're into weird stuff. Then again if you're stupid enough to actually WANT to be with one, you're probably ideal cultist material anyway, so nothing lost.
6. Do not try to outsmart the Chaos gods: I don't care how smart you think you are, you will always get fucked by them in the end, literally if Slaanesh is involved. Any deal you try and strike with them will end up with you being trapped in a loophole, usually directly damaging the thing you were trying to protect. So no, you are not smart enough, stop being so narcissistic. The Traitor Primarchs thought that they were smart, look how well that turned out.
7. The Tau are not your friends: This one I kinda understand. The Imperium can be a really tough place to live in, I'm not gonna lie. And compared to every other race out there who wants to kill us on sight (or in some cases worse) I can see how they would be a fresh breath of air. Problem is that if you join the Tau empire you're gonna get your dick cut off or ovulary ripped out and be used as cannon fodder in a much smaller army with fewer people. Also, all their talks about greater goods and their mech suits haven't done that much to stop that Tyranid hive fleet that's heading in their direction. So yeah, while the Tau have some potential as allies to the Imperium, joining up with them is pretty much hanging a dinner bell around your neck.
8. Never tell a Kroot "Bite me": Kroots are pretty much jackasses through and through, something they seem to take pride in. Their entire sense of humor revolves around making people around them feeling as uncomfortable as possible, and there's that thing where they eat what they kill. So if you say "bite me" in the rare circumstance that you would find yourself working alongside a Kroot mercenary, he's gonna be a smart ass and be literal about it. And those beaks come down hard.
9. Rebelling against the Imperium does not work. Ever: Ok, look. Nine Space Marine Legions with trillions of supporters once rebelled against the Imperium, and they lost. You'd think after that people would realize that a fight against the Imperium isn't something you're gonna win, but for some reason, people keep trying to rebel. Look, no one ever said living in the Imperium was a cakewalk, but what exactly do you think rebelling with accomplishing? At most, you can get a system independent from the Imperium. Good luck holding your own when you can't call on the Imperial Fleet to fight off the latest cosmic horror the galaxy throws at us. And that's if you actually win, and don't get killed by, say, a bolt round to the face from a Commissar, a bolt round to the face from an Astartes, a bolt round to the face from your superior officer, and if by some miracle you win, dying a slow and painful death from the virus bombs the Inquisition would drop on you. And Outreach used to actually be a nice place to live.
10. Eldar are not your fuck buddies: Let's get something out of the way. The Eldar are the most insufferably arrogant people in the galaxy. And I've talked to Ultramarines that actually believed that spiritual liege garbage. As hot as Eldar women are, they're only one step above trying to sleep with cultists. I know a lot of people are talking about that LIIVI guy and how he got to bone a Faraseer, but let's be frank. That was a one in a trillion thing. Met a guy who said he got to screw an Eldar and surprise surprise, she put a bomb in him while he was sleeping. At least it beeped loudly so I got to run and scream "I told you so". This goes double for the Dark Eldar. At least with the Eldar you have a one in a trillion chance of ending up like LIIVI. You don't even have that with the Dark Eldar.
11. Don't make fun of the Imperial Fists' name: They will actually do it. Don't ask me how I know, I just do. DON'T DO IT!
12. Never talk about things that never happened around the Dark Angels: The Dark Angels are the most loyal Space Marine Chapter that ever existed, so they're well within their right to torture you to death if you ask them about things that clearly never happened…just roll with it.
13. Don't go drinking with Space Wolves: This one won't necessarily kill you, but there's always that chance. They always bring the home-brewed stuff, and I actually got sent on a rescue mission to find a platoon that had gotten drunk and somehow gotten up into the mountains. They were all buck ass naked when we found them, and I'm still not sure how some of them managed to get their bodies the way that they were. Space Wolves brew strong stuff.
14. Don't Steal a Commissar's Hat While he's Sleeping: Knew a bit of a joker once. Wore the hat all around camp, imitating the Commissar as he went. Everyone had a laugh. Sadly it turns out Commissars are pretty light sleepers. Not sure how he thought this was going to end, but I imagine being forced to charge an Ork horde wearing nothing but the hat wasn't on the list. I swear, high ranking officials in the Imperium all go to an ironic death seminar.
15. Don't be a smart ass around an Orgyn. Orgyn are tough as hell shock troopers that will always cover your back with piss and vinegar, always right to fight for the Emperor. But bless them, they're kind of on the slow side and have troubles with metaphors. They're kind of like the Kroot, except more innocently clueless. Like this one time, a guardsman from some mining colony in the middle of nowhere told an Orgyn "Shoot me now.". Full ripper gun clip, we had to clean the lady up with a bucket and a mop. Then again she was pretty cruel to just about everyone and I don't think the Orgyn liked her very much. I mean he insists he didn't hate her, but he DID get a medal for it that he seemed pretty proud of.…I think I may want to go back and double-check what happened there with a friend or two.
16. Lord Castellan Ursarkar E. Creed's abilities are not as good as everyone says: Ok look. The good Lord is stationed on what is arguably the most dangerous front in the entire galaxy. He has stood up to the frakking Black Crusades and walked away from them alive. He is without a doubt a tactical genius and the Imperium would be lesser without him. But for the Emperor's sake, he can't hide tank behind a lamppost, he can't hide a platoon in Abaddon's bathroom, and he can't hide a Titan in a frakking bolted shell! What does this have to do with staying alive you might ask? Because maybe a certain author is tired of hearing about it and a certain author might edit the copy of his book for someone who comments about Creed's nonexistent god powers again. An edit that says that the truth of the Emperor's wishes are in a Grox's mouth.
17. Do not screw around with Necrons; Necrons have got to be one of the most infuriating enemies to fight in the 41st millennium, as their technology stops just short of being able to warp reality on a whim. I fought a long hard campaign once, got skimmed by a gauss flyer, and that's why my foot is metal now. Eventually, we thought we had taken an armory back from the Necrons, had taken an entire squad firing non-stop just to bring one of them down. One of my squadmates was pretty angry at all the friends he had lost that day and he decided to piss on it. Thing is, Necrons have a self-repair protocol and…well…he survived at least. Bet he wishes he hadn't though. I mean I was being carried by our heavy weapons specialist, clutching my stump of a foot, and she said I looked pretty by comparison.
18. Never accept anything food locals that you didn't see them prepare: Here's the thing about the Imperium, we're spread out over two million planets and some of those planets have been inhabited for 25,000 years. When a population lives on a planet that long, the countless generations tend to make them immune to little quirks that kill the rest of us. A saw a guardsman get a meat pie from a cook on some death world in the middle of nowhere, take one bite and died on the spot. It would've been tragic if she hadn't hunted an animal that the locals called the VENOMOUS DEATH KILLER six hours ago for that very same cook.
19. Don't screw around with stray bolter shells: I get that the average citizen of the Imperium will never see a Space Marine, even at a distance, and that even fewer will see the weapons they use up close, but if you find a bolt round lying on the ground after a battle, don't assume that it's empty and for the love of the Emperor, don't whack it with a hammer. I swear, not a single person felt sorry for her, and I don't blame them.
20: Tech Priests are just as bad as the Ecclesiarchy: When people talk about religious fanatics taking worship of the Emperor way too far and killing people over stupid reasons, they tend to point to the cone hats. While this is true, people tend to forget that the Tech Cult is still a religious organization that worships the Emperor, just in a different way. You not showing proper respect to their various bits of shiny metal tends to not sit will with them. I figured that out the hard way and I swear my eyes will never stop twitching.
Chapter 2
- Location
- Massachusetts USA
21. Take precautions when playing Gretchen ball: For those of you who don't know, Gretchen ball is becoming very popular in some regiments that are on the front lines with Orks. Capture few Gretchen and use them as a kickball. Pretty fun game really. But you have GOT to take proper safety precautions and de-fang and claw the Gretchen. Because if every time I have to write on a form "Killed in single combat by a Gretchen outside of combat zone" I die a little inside.
22. There are no such things as Squats: They never existed. (Roll with it)
23. Do not mishandle plasma weapons: Plasma weapons are some of the best weapons we can get our hands on, but they must be handled with care. Contrary to popular belief, they rarely explode, only really doing so if they're damaged or if you keep firing them after they've already overheated. Though I'm hesitant to tell that to people because the second they hear that they run off and start blasting away without restraint. If they had stayed and listened for five more seconds, they would've learned that the exhaust from a plasma weapon venting heat can still melt your face off. I mean, she could have at least waited until she got her stupid ass killed so I could've gotten in another "I told you so."
24: Space Marine bolters are beyond your ability: See, people assume Space Marine bolters are the same bolters that the Imperial Guard sometimes uses. This couldn't be further from the truth, we get a rather stripped down version with a smaller caliber. Space Marines, being Space Marines, get a more powerful variant because they can handle it. I know this because one guy took a belter off of a dead Space Marine (And to any potential Inquisitors reading this, I had nothing to do with it) and took aim at some Orks in the distance. He had his nose right on the sights and…Emperor's Bowels, it took me a solid hour to get it out.
25: Do not copy the Death Korps of Krieg: See, unlike most people, I know for a fact that the Korps are trying to get themselves killed, and ironically they tend to die in less stupid ways than most of the people on this list. Still, they're pretty suicidal, they're the only regiment I ever saw attack a trench line with a bayonet charge. Credit where credit is due, they were batshit insane enough to actually make it work. Though it turns out my entire squad joined the charge without permission because they were so impressed by the bravery of the Korps. When I found the bodies I wanted to scream "They were TRYING to kill themselves, what's your excuse!?"
26: Tyranids cannot be domesticated: Yes, someone tried it. It ended about as well as you would think. You'd think that no one would be stupid enough to try it, considering that even the Inquisition has a hard time capturing Genestealers, but you always get that one dense person. Oh, why yes Corporal, you DID introduce me to Henry the Gaunt. What's that? He just ripped your throat out? Well, color me very UNSURPRISED! On a side note, if it isn't poisonous, Tyranid meat isn't that bad if you burn it to a crisp…what? We were low on food.
27. Never try to use Necron tech: Look, I get it. Necron tech created some of the most stupidly powerful weapons in existence. I want in on that too. But trying to use it never freaking works. And if you try it, your brains will be on the ceiling, your large intestine all over the floor, and your gallbladder will be stuck in my good eye.
28: Rogue Traders are not dashing rogues: Ok that's not 100% true Rogue Traders are people just like the rest of us. Some of them ARE dashing rogues. But with the galaxy the way it is now, they're pricks like the majority of humanity. So while there's always a chance that while joining the crew of one results in you going on a voyage of adventure and romance, it's ten times more likely that you'll end up as an indentured servant giving the Trader 10 kisses on the ass each day because "Oh, you should've read the contract! I don't care if the ink was invisible or you signed it with a gun to your head!" Where does the death come in? Uh…let's say Rogue Traders can get impulsive when it comes to making long dangerous journeys and….rations run low.
29. Space Hulks are Suicide Missions: People. Space Marine TERMINATORS go in there and don't come out. There are Genestealers, Orks, Chaos and who knows what else in there! I don't care how much ancient and valuable technology there is in there, all the riches in the world aren't worth shit if you're dead! And even then, if you're stupid enough to go in and drag me along, at least plan a little bit! I swear this is true, stupid friend of mine convinced(Read: blackmailed) me into going along with him. He got into the first room and then died in two seconds because the room was flooded with radiation and he had no protective gear.
30. The Warp is DANGEROUS!: Yes, people really are this clueless. You think you wouldn't have to tell someone to not stick their head out of a snip during Warp travel, but Private Dumbass wanted to impress his girlfriend and I had to spend ten minutes bashing in the face of whatever the hell he became with the butt of my rifle. Not gonna lie, might have gotten a little carried away there, I think he might have actually died in the first minute. Hey, most of these experiences are first hand, I needed to vent.
31. Eating Kroot is ill-advised: We all like a bit of karmic justice. Out thinking the Eldar? Out gunning the Orks? These are situations that we live for. That being said, getting revenge on the Kroot who ate your buddy by eating him kinda backfires. Kroot absorb the DNA of everything they eat, and they eat a lot of poisonous animals. Your vicious plans of revenge don't really go that well when you end up choking to death on your own vomit.
32. Don't arm wrestle with Catachans: Not only are these people built like they fap for a living (I'm not sure that metaphor works for the women but SHUT IT) but they can pretty much turn the bones in your hand to powder. And if they somehow lose they tend to be piss poor sports and try and stab you. And that my children is why I only have one eye…Poor sport bitch.
33. Don't be reckless with overcharged lasguns: Once most Guardsmen learn lasguns can be safely overcharged to get more stopping power, they want to do it all the time. NO! That pisses through ammo like you wouldn't believe, at best you can get twenty shots off before you run out, and you'd be surprised how fast you can fire twenty shots in a battle. So when the woman next to me has an enraged cultist foaming at the mouth charging at her with an axe, she essentially could only point her gun at him and go "Pew pew pew". And let me tell you, that cultist had one hell of a swinging arm. Think I still have the axe.
34. No sex if a Nurgle cultist is in the same star system: For the most part this is unnecessary because one good look at a Nurgle cultist will probably turn you off sex for at least a good decade (Oh Emperor's Ballsack I didn't know a person could have boils there) but the thing is, Nurgle is a morbidly obese pedophile who loves to give everyone the clap (What the hell did you think all that talk of "Papa Nurgle" was about?) and he's brewed up a few hundred million variants of it. You'd think an airborne disease that lies dormant in the carrier for a year and then gets sexual transmitted is an absurd concept. Well, I have a friend who had to cut his dick off to avoid being killed by one. We had to burn the thing in a fire sustained by sacred parchment with prayers written in every corner. And even then I still think we should've thrown a reliquary of a saint in there.
35: Never try to comprehend the plans of a Tzeench cultist. If Nurgle is a morbidly obese pedophile then Tzeench is a twat with insecurity issues the size of the Eye of Terror, because he always comes off like he has something to prove. As a result, his cultists make stupidly complex plans involving four betrayals, five inheritance schemes and seven acts of arson just to work in a place that has a nice view. Trying to figure out how the Hell their plans work will actually result in your brain ending up outside your skull (Don't ask. Someone tried to figure it out, same thing happened to him). And you kinda need that thing.
36: Know your limits: Look. Humanity kind of got the short end of the stick. Our technology isn't what it used to be, the Imperium is run by incompetent old men, and everything out there either has better technology, better biology, or both. Just know when to drop it, say "Fuck you General" and bolt. Contrary to popular belief, a Commissar is much easier to overwhelm than a whole Ork army. Thousands of idiots were going to die one a pointless suicide charge against Orks if one soldier didn't snap and stab the commissar to death with her bayonet. They all stared at her slack jawed going "Oh right, we out number his bolt shells 100 to one," while that lady was in the middle of a nervous breakdown and ripping his heart out to make sure he was dead. Anyway, that's how I met my wife.
37: Don't take Dark Eldar drugs: I don't want to go into this. I was young and stupid. People died and I woke up naked in a tree three days later. In the middle of a volcano. To this day I don't know what the hell happened. Not even once kids. Just smoke Lho-sticks. Oh the moral isn't to not do drugs, the moral is to not use XENO drugs. Because Dark Eldar drugs are made for insane fetishists that need to prove how sexually active they are. That and, you know, trigger happy Comissars exist.
38: Space Wolves Wolves are not big friendly doggies: I have only seen these things twice and they are VICIOUS KILLERS! They will rip your limbs off and chew your bones down to the marrow! So don't try and give them a great big chew toy, they've already decided that you will do. Every time someone tries it! And the Space Wolves just see it as them not having to feed their pets for a day, so don't look to them for help.
39: Frak the Imperial Infantryman's Uplifting Primer: Really, just frak everything about that Emperor forsaken book. The second your commander isn't looking, burn your copy. I know what you're thinking. Isn't the Primer a galactic joke? Doesn't every guardsman worth their salt know how crap it is? Well, hundreds of men and women new to the guard die each year following it's stupid advice. And even the more experienced soldiers sometimes die following the advice that SEEMS more reasonable. Like stabbing Orks multiple times in the throat to make sure that they're dead. Not a bad idea in concept, except melee range with an Ork is a place you want to avoid at all cost. And they don't mention what to do if the Ork tries to bury his axe in your bowels when you're on thrust #3.
40: Do not attempt to make an Eldar Farseer your sex slave: I just…why do I have to say this? Isn't it obvious? Doesn't it go against every rational instinct in the human body? Ok, first of all, you try to make anything your sex slave, you deal with me. I don't care how Grimdark this world we live in is, we are not the frakking Dark Eldar. We have STANDARDS! Second of all, a Farseer? Are you insane!? Those things shred veteran Space Marines to pieces, what makes you think you have a chance at surviving half a second? Third, no one would allow it, and anyone in charge of a captive Farseer wouldn't let anyone eager for a screw near it.
But this is irrelevant because WHY WOULD WE HAVE A FARSEER!? They are too dangerous to keep contained and even if we did find a way to flash-fuse three Blanks to her so that she doesn't murder an entire planet, you can bet your ass her entire craft world is going to show up to try and save her. And me fighting an entire army so you can get a fuck toy? Not happening, even if I wasn't disgusted by the concept. Let me know if it was worth getting the Avatar of Khaine set on you.
Author's Note: For those of you wondering what the hell I'm on about with the last one, check out EclipsePheniox's story, Trapped. A particularly horrid story that I reviewed around the time I was writing this story.
I would like to thank my Patrons SuperFeatherYoshi, xXNanamiXx, Ryan Van Schaack, and RaptorusMaximus for their amazing support.
22. There are no such things as Squats: They never existed. (Roll with it)
23. Do not mishandle plasma weapons: Plasma weapons are some of the best weapons we can get our hands on, but they must be handled with care. Contrary to popular belief, they rarely explode, only really doing so if they're damaged or if you keep firing them after they've already overheated. Though I'm hesitant to tell that to people because the second they hear that they run off and start blasting away without restraint. If they had stayed and listened for five more seconds, they would've learned that the exhaust from a plasma weapon venting heat can still melt your face off. I mean, she could have at least waited until she got her stupid ass killed so I could've gotten in another "I told you so."
24: Space Marine bolters are beyond your ability: See, people assume Space Marine bolters are the same bolters that the Imperial Guard sometimes uses. This couldn't be further from the truth, we get a rather stripped down version with a smaller caliber. Space Marines, being Space Marines, get a more powerful variant because they can handle it. I know this because one guy took a belter off of a dead Space Marine (And to any potential Inquisitors reading this, I had nothing to do with it) and took aim at some Orks in the distance. He had his nose right on the sights and…Emperor's Bowels, it took me a solid hour to get it out.
25: Do not copy the Death Korps of Krieg: See, unlike most people, I know for a fact that the Korps are trying to get themselves killed, and ironically they tend to die in less stupid ways than most of the people on this list. Still, they're pretty suicidal, they're the only regiment I ever saw attack a trench line with a bayonet charge. Credit where credit is due, they were batshit insane enough to actually make it work. Though it turns out my entire squad joined the charge without permission because they were so impressed by the bravery of the Korps. When I found the bodies I wanted to scream "They were TRYING to kill themselves, what's your excuse!?"
26: Tyranids cannot be domesticated: Yes, someone tried it. It ended about as well as you would think. You'd think that no one would be stupid enough to try it, considering that even the Inquisition has a hard time capturing Genestealers, but you always get that one dense person. Oh, why yes Corporal, you DID introduce me to Henry the Gaunt. What's that? He just ripped your throat out? Well, color me very UNSURPRISED! On a side note, if it isn't poisonous, Tyranid meat isn't that bad if you burn it to a crisp…what? We were low on food.
27. Never try to use Necron tech: Look, I get it. Necron tech created some of the most stupidly powerful weapons in existence. I want in on that too. But trying to use it never freaking works. And if you try it, your brains will be on the ceiling, your large intestine all over the floor, and your gallbladder will be stuck in my good eye.
28: Rogue Traders are not dashing rogues: Ok that's not 100% true Rogue Traders are people just like the rest of us. Some of them ARE dashing rogues. But with the galaxy the way it is now, they're pricks like the majority of humanity. So while there's always a chance that while joining the crew of one results in you going on a voyage of adventure and romance, it's ten times more likely that you'll end up as an indentured servant giving the Trader 10 kisses on the ass each day because "Oh, you should've read the contract! I don't care if the ink was invisible or you signed it with a gun to your head!" Where does the death come in? Uh…let's say Rogue Traders can get impulsive when it comes to making long dangerous journeys and….rations run low.
29. Space Hulks are Suicide Missions: People. Space Marine TERMINATORS go in there and don't come out. There are Genestealers, Orks, Chaos and who knows what else in there! I don't care how much ancient and valuable technology there is in there, all the riches in the world aren't worth shit if you're dead! And even then, if you're stupid enough to go in and drag me along, at least plan a little bit! I swear this is true, stupid friend of mine convinced(Read: blackmailed) me into going along with him. He got into the first room and then died in two seconds because the room was flooded with radiation and he had no protective gear.
30. The Warp is DANGEROUS!: Yes, people really are this clueless. You think you wouldn't have to tell someone to not stick their head out of a snip during Warp travel, but Private Dumbass wanted to impress his girlfriend and I had to spend ten minutes bashing in the face of whatever the hell he became with the butt of my rifle. Not gonna lie, might have gotten a little carried away there, I think he might have actually died in the first minute. Hey, most of these experiences are first hand, I needed to vent.
31. Eating Kroot is ill-advised: We all like a bit of karmic justice. Out thinking the Eldar? Out gunning the Orks? These are situations that we live for. That being said, getting revenge on the Kroot who ate your buddy by eating him kinda backfires. Kroot absorb the DNA of everything they eat, and they eat a lot of poisonous animals. Your vicious plans of revenge don't really go that well when you end up choking to death on your own vomit.
32. Don't arm wrestle with Catachans: Not only are these people built like they fap for a living (I'm not sure that metaphor works for the women but SHUT IT) but they can pretty much turn the bones in your hand to powder. And if they somehow lose they tend to be piss poor sports and try and stab you. And that my children is why I only have one eye…Poor sport bitch.
33. Don't be reckless with overcharged lasguns: Once most Guardsmen learn lasguns can be safely overcharged to get more stopping power, they want to do it all the time. NO! That pisses through ammo like you wouldn't believe, at best you can get twenty shots off before you run out, and you'd be surprised how fast you can fire twenty shots in a battle. So when the woman next to me has an enraged cultist foaming at the mouth charging at her with an axe, she essentially could only point her gun at him and go "Pew pew pew". And let me tell you, that cultist had one hell of a swinging arm. Think I still have the axe.
34. No sex if a Nurgle cultist is in the same star system: For the most part this is unnecessary because one good look at a Nurgle cultist will probably turn you off sex for at least a good decade (Oh Emperor's Ballsack I didn't know a person could have boils there) but the thing is, Nurgle is a morbidly obese pedophile who loves to give everyone the clap (What the hell did you think all that talk of "Papa Nurgle" was about?) and he's brewed up a few hundred million variants of it. You'd think an airborne disease that lies dormant in the carrier for a year and then gets sexual transmitted is an absurd concept. Well, I have a friend who had to cut his dick off to avoid being killed by one. We had to burn the thing in a fire sustained by sacred parchment with prayers written in every corner. And even then I still think we should've thrown a reliquary of a saint in there.
35: Never try to comprehend the plans of a Tzeench cultist. If Nurgle is a morbidly obese pedophile then Tzeench is a twat with insecurity issues the size of the Eye of Terror, because he always comes off like he has something to prove. As a result, his cultists make stupidly complex plans involving four betrayals, five inheritance schemes and seven acts of arson just to work in a place that has a nice view. Trying to figure out how the Hell their plans work will actually result in your brain ending up outside your skull (Don't ask. Someone tried to figure it out, same thing happened to him). And you kinda need that thing.
36: Know your limits: Look. Humanity kind of got the short end of the stick. Our technology isn't what it used to be, the Imperium is run by incompetent old men, and everything out there either has better technology, better biology, or both. Just know when to drop it, say "Fuck you General" and bolt. Contrary to popular belief, a Commissar is much easier to overwhelm than a whole Ork army. Thousands of idiots were going to die one a pointless suicide charge against Orks if one soldier didn't snap and stab the commissar to death with her bayonet. They all stared at her slack jawed going "Oh right, we out number his bolt shells 100 to one," while that lady was in the middle of a nervous breakdown and ripping his heart out to make sure he was dead. Anyway, that's how I met my wife.
37: Don't take Dark Eldar drugs: I don't want to go into this. I was young and stupid. People died and I woke up naked in a tree three days later. In the middle of a volcano. To this day I don't know what the hell happened. Not even once kids. Just smoke Lho-sticks. Oh the moral isn't to not do drugs, the moral is to not use XENO drugs. Because Dark Eldar drugs are made for insane fetishists that need to prove how sexually active they are. That and, you know, trigger happy Comissars exist.
38: Space Wolves Wolves are not big friendly doggies: I have only seen these things twice and they are VICIOUS KILLERS! They will rip your limbs off and chew your bones down to the marrow! So don't try and give them a great big chew toy, they've already decided that you will do. Every time someone tries it! And the Space Wolves just see it as them not having to feed their pets for a day, so don't look to them for help.
39: Frak the Imperial Infantryman's Uplifting Primer: Really, just frak everything about that Emperor forsaken book. The second your commander isn't looking, burn your copy. I know what you're thinking. Isn't the Primer a galactic joke? Doesn't every guardsman worth their salt know how crap it is? Well, hundreds of men and women new to the guard die each year following it's stupid advice. And even the more experienced soldiers sometimes die following the advice that SEEMS more reasonable. Like stabbing Orks multiple times in the throat to make sure that they're dead. Not a bad idea in concept, except melee range with an Ork is a place you want to avoid at all cost. And they don't mention what to do if the Ork tries to bury his axe in your bowels when you're on thrust #3.
40: Do not attempt to make an Eldar Farseer your sex slave: I just…why do I have to say this? Isn't it obvious? Doesn't it go against every rational instinct in the human body? Ok, first of all, you try to make anything your sex slave, you deal with me. I don't care how Grimdark this world we live in is, we are not the frakking Dark Eldar. We have STANDARDS! Second of all, a Farseer? Are you insane!? Those things shred veteran Space Marines to pieces, what makes you think you have a chance at surviving half a second? Third, no one would allow it, and anyone in charge of a captive Farseer wouldn't let anyone eager for a screw near it.
But this is irrelevant because WHY WOULD WE HAVE A FARSEER!? They are too dangerous to keep contained and even if we did find a way to flash-fuse three Blanks to her so that she doesn't murder an entire planet, you can bet your ass her entire craft world is going to show up to try and save her. And me fighting an entire army so you can get a fuck toy? Not happening, even if I wasn't disgusted by the concept. Let me know if it was worth getting the Avatar of Khaine set on you.
Author's Note: For those of you wondering what the hell I'm on about with the last one, check out EclipsePheniox's story, Trapped. A particularly horrid story that I reviewed around the time I was writing this story.
I would like to thank my Patrons SuperFeatherYoshi, xXNanamiXx, Ryan Van Schaack, and RaptorusMaximus for their amazing support.
- Location
- Canada
I thought Squats used to exist, and then the Tyranids killed them all?
- Location
- Massachusetts USA
The joke is the Games Workshop viciously (until recently) refused to publish anything related to them, refused to bring them up at all, and actually escorted people out of conventions for bringing them up. It was some unpersoning level stuff.
It's why in "If the Emperor Had a Text to Speech Device" the Squats are in the same pocket of nonexistence as Malal.
Stupidity truly knows no cultural boundaries, doesn't it? I'm glad you enjoyed it!
Last edited:
Chapter 3
- Location
- Massachusetts USA
41: Learn the differences between the Eldar: Eldar are complete and utter stuck up pricks…the Craftworld Eldar that is. The independent Corsairs are…well they're pricks too and the Dark Eldar…well they're also pricks-ok the endpoint is you can actually trust the Harlequins. These xenos dedicate their entire life to destroying Chaos, none of this "divert a WAAAAGH! into Human territory to save twelve Eldar" bullshit, so you can usually rely on them to keep their world if it'll result in dead cultists. So hey, fun times all around. We want dead cultists, they want dead cultists, good times. The thing is, a lot of people are (justifiably) paranoid about the Eldar in general and a few guardsmen who were with me tried to shoot at our temporary ally who wasn't going to betray us (For once). Let's just say he did some psyker crap so their shots kept missing him before he gutted them all on the spot. Then he said something about rising action. These guys will work with us but dear Emperor they're PRETENTIOUS!
42: Do not attempt to seduce an Ork. NO! JUST NO! Honestly, everything else I mentioned on this list involved sex takes second priority to an Ork (Minus the bit with the sex slave). Have you ever seen an Ork try to fist someone? I HAVE! HE USED A FRAKING POWER KLAW! AND THAT WAS JUST FOREPLAY!
43: Do not Underestimate minor Xenos: The big xenos power players in the Milky Way are Orks, Eldar of all kinds, Necrons, Tau and Tyranids. Despite this, there are easily thousands of smaller races throughout the galaxy, and when you're not fighting the usual suspects, you'll probably be sent off to exterminate one. And when its species is put at risk, the natives will fight tooth nail and tentacle to survive. So it doesn't matter if it's cute and adorable and fits in the palm of your hand, there's a good chance it'll try and rip your face off. Usually with their teeth. And it is not a pretty sight. So just kill it before the Tau can annex it.
44: Don't play "Hold er steady": Hold er steady is a new drinking game that involves people downing a beer, putting the bottle on their head and having a friend shoot it off with a stubber and then switching. Yes, this is a disaster waiting to happen. Thankfully the guardsman in this particular incident only lost a bit of his frontal lobe (I think) before I put a stop to it. Sure now he makes Ogyrn look like arechotech experts now, but it could've been a hell of a lot worse. The Administratum could give him a bionic replacement, but they said it wasn't worth the resources. I honestly found it hard to argue with them.
45: Avoid Love Triangles: I'd tell people to avoid this anyway, if only because love triangles are simply insufferable, but they can get people killed. There's always the members of the triangle trying to murder each other, but on the other hand there are lovesick idiots just have to drag others down with them. Like that time in the trenches where two guys and a girl were going at it while I was five feet away from them. I had a giant barbed spike sticking out of me and I was desperately trying to remember if the small and large intestines were named for length or diameter while they were bitching about whose dicks had been where.
46: Stop saying Feth: Feth is a spirit unique to Tanith. You know, planet fraked up by Chaos #9315? The survivors from that planet are few and far, so don't pretend you know what Feth means. And they are damn sensitive about their planet being destroyed and they WILL challenge you to a knife fight to the death if you don't pay it the respect it deserves. And I will do nothing when they slip around you and open your throat.
47: Beware Valhallan showers: I thought it was agreed that hypothermia was bad for you. Well, the Valhallans didn't get the memo. Astropath probably bollocked it up. Most people will run screaming from these showers because they feel like you just took a dip in arctic water. But some numbnuts will try and prove how tough they are by trying to stay underneath longer. I learned two things that day. Valhallan showers are co-ed, and that these showers can actually kill you. Somehow it doesn't kill the Valhallans, but those nuts actually find it pleasant.
48: Be careful when laying with fellow guardsmen: Look, I'm married. I understand the urge to seek comfort in the arms of another. But here's the thing. Commissars…REALLY don't like playing babysitter. They don't want anyone in the regiment unless they can hold a rifle and we haven't quite figured out how to weaponize babies in a way that wouldn't turn us into the Orks. Commissars already have too much stuff to stamp out, don't have them cracking down on sex too. Because they do it with those Emperor forsaken bolt pistols of theirs. The moral is, do it in the ass.
49: Autoguns were replaced by lasguns for a reason: I know there are still plenty solid projectile weapons circulating through the Imperium, especially on poorer planets, but we replace them with the trusty lasgun when we can for a reason. Twice as much ammo capacity, easier to maintain, power packs can be recharged at any Chimera and even on a fire (Highly dangerous though, last resort only) and they can be overcharged in a pinch. So while you should most certainly use an autogun if there aren't any lasguns in the area and you desperately need a weapon, we've been trained in the use of lasguns and most of us don't know how to use and maintain them properly. This is what caused my jaw to drop when one dumbass from another platoon got a stovepipe jam, one of the most basic jams to clear, and he honestly thought the gun was broken and started using it as a club. It says a lot when the Ork that killed him managed to figure out how to clear it in only half a minute.
50: Do not drive vehicles unless you are trained: Tech-Priests weird me out (And I'm hardly alone on this) but there's no getting around the fact that they know their crap when it comes to designing vehicles and discovering failings. Despite this, a team of three was utterly flabbergasted when an idiot took a Leman Russ for a joy ride on a dare. He was inside, so I don't know how many times the thing had to flip in order to get him out and stuck in the treads long enough to grind him to a paste-like that, and neither did the Tech-Priests.
51: Don't drink on the job: I know alcohol is good for making you forget how much life sucks, and in the trenches that's where you need it the most, but the next think you know your foot is in my lap and you can't quite remember how it got there. And let me tell you, this one happens a lot! There was an arm, and eye, a foot, a body part that caused my wife to make an extremely dark joke, and even a spine. Hell, a few more times and I can assemble an entire human body from the parts I've gotten.
52: Always be alert if the planet you're on contains an enemy force: You know the old phrase "Out of sight, out of mind?" I wonder how many lives that mentality has claimed, because it sure as hell isn't a low number. I learned first hand that if an enemy army is still on a planet, you don't spend your time there partying, no mater how far away you are from the front, because we live in an era were advances can be very fast and very brutal. As my current base filled with partying soldiers found out in a horrific and brutal way. I don't know what was more traumatizing. Hiding at the bottom of a pile of corpses, clutching my wife's hand and hoping we would both get out of this alive, or watching Orks try to figure out the inner workings of a toga party.
53: Don't be too proud to accept help from the Ultramarines: I know. I KNOW! They're utterly infuriating stuck up pricks. Is is bullshit that they're responsible for the most damage done to two of the three hive fleets, that they have the most successor chapters, and that their Chapter Master killed a fragment of a god with his bare hands? Yes it is, it's the most infuriating band of twats I've ever heard of, but we should still use this to our advantage. In a galaxy where everything wants to fuck us, sometimes literally, we need every asset we can get. So I want Marneus Calgar at my side. I'm still going to talk shit about him the second he's out of earshot, but I'm smart enough to know I'm more likely to survive hiding behind him when a Daemon is trying to eat me.
54: Disregard 53 if the Ultramarine in question is Cato Sicarius: Forget everything I said if Cato Sicarius is involved. You think the standard Ultramarine has an ego the size of a small moon? Well, they do, but Cato Sicarius has an even bigger one, and it tends to manifests in ways that are a lot more destructive (Not to him, but to the poor sons of bitches around him. Namely us). I was on the other end the system where this happened, but when we were clearing out a Chaos infestation, Sicarius got hundreds of thousands of men killed. The Ultramarine 2nd company was supposed to secure the flank of the main army, but he led them running off to go fight some warlord. Because he insulted his honor or something (Probably just insulted that stupid ass thing he calls a helmet) and so he had to go prove his worth while the plebeians all died. So yeah. If he's around, don't count on him for help.
55: Don't pick a fight with the Administranum. You will lose: The Administranum is like a train wreck that just keeps going, everyone knows this. We've all been waiting to get a delivery of munitions and food and get something we didn't need/want. The weirdest thing I ever got was a bag of used diapers, my wife a couple of Tau bladders and some kid who transferred into our unit actually got delivered the preserved corpse of a saint. Wonder how many people got fired (Out of an airlock) for that one. Despite this, fighting with them to get what you want is an exercise in futility. People have actually died from starvation and thirst in the waiting line to make an appointment, it's so long and they're so incompetent it takes forever for them to process someone. Still, it wasn't all bad. I got to go next after that.
56: Try to not antagonize the other people in your unit: We're kinda tiny and scrawny compared to everything else out there, that's why there are trillions of us fighting the good fight all over the Imperium, to even things out with raw numbers. The problem is that this advantage doesn't really work if you burn bridges and alienate the people you're supposed to rely on. For example, if you lose a game of poker, don't throw a tantrum and pull a gun on her, she might snap your wrist. And when you have a broken hand and you're end out to fight anyway, the husband of the woman you threatened might not feel like helping you and might instead just use the time to write his book while a Hormagaunt turns you into its new chew toy. Thanks for the entry by the way. Fucker.
57: Store your weapon properly: Keeping number 52 in mind, I appreciate that some people want to keep their weapons close by in case of an enemy attack, but there's smart ways to do it. Don't just put them somewhere where they can go off and kill you. The old under the pillow thing is a great way to accidentally set it off. Let me tell you, years before I was married, a good looking corporal coaxed me into her bed. She was buck naked, was looking down at where I was laying leapt onto the bed…and set off the laspistol under her pillow, blowing her brains out. I was sexually withdrawn for YEARS after that!
58: Remember where you buried the mines: Ok seriously people? This is extremely basic. Mine go boom. Boom hurt. We not want hurt. Therefore, we no step on mine. Bad people go boom. Not us. So when someone puts the sign about the minefield up and it's FACING THE WRONG WAY people tend to get a little confused about where Steve went and why it suddenly started raining blood and bits of organ and the shavings created by my teeth grinding together.
59: Practice trigger discipline: You know those trigger things we have on our guns? We pull them when we're pointing them at people we don't like and that's all. Our fingers stay away from those triggers unless we're doing that or are about to do that. It's annoying enough when people can't just keep their fingers where they belong and blow a couple of holes in the roof, but when I'm just trying to eat, I'd prefer if I didn't have to deal with the guy next to me leaning over to the side and smashing into my plate because it turns out he has a hole in his head.
60: Don't get caught with this book: This is a recent affair, but with the Imperium's zero tolerance policy against common sense, people who possess this book are ordered to be executed. Don't worry, there's an easy way around it. Before you burn your copy of the primer uplifter, take the cover out and put it on this book. In fact, there's a fun game you can play with this. Give this book like this to an officer who's an ass hat before shouting "Heretic!" and running away. Karma coming full circle.
Author's Note: Chapter 3, here we go. I hope you guys enjoy it, but don't fill yourselves up just yet, the best is yet to come!
I would like to thank my Patrons SuperFeatherYoshi, xXNanamiXx, Ryan Van Schaack, and RaptorusMaximus for their amazing support.
42: Do not attempt to seduce an Ork. NO! JUST NO! Honestly, everything else I mentioned on this list involved sex takes second priority to an Ork (Minus the bit with the sex slave). Have you ever seen an Ork try to fist someone? I HAVE! HE USED A FRAKING POWER KLAW! AND THAT WAS JUST FOREPLAY!
43: Do not Underestimate minor Xenos: The big xenos power players in the Milky Way are Orks, Eldar of all kinds, Necrons, Tau and Tyranids. Despite this, there are easily thousands of smaller races throughout the galaxy, and when you're not fighting the usual suspects, you'll probably be sent off to exterminate one. And when its species is put at risk, the natives will fight tooth nail and tentacle to survive. So it doesn't matter if it's cute and adorable and fits in the palm of your hand, there's a good chance it'll try and rip your face off. Usually with their teeth. And it is not a pretty sight. So just kill it before the Tau can annex it.
44: Don't play "Hold er steady": Hold er steady is a new drinking game that involves people downing a beer, putting the bottle on their head and having a friend shoot it off with a stubber and then switching. Yes, this is a disaster waiting to happen. Thankfully the guardsman in this particular incident only lost a bit of his frontal lobe (I think) before I put a stop to it. Sure now he makes Ogyrn look like arechotech experts now, but it could've been a hell of a lot worse. The Administratum could give him a bionic replacement, but they said it wasn't worth the resources. I honestly found it hard to argue with them.
45: Avoid Love Triangles: I'd tell people to avoid this anyway, if only because love triangles are simply insufferable, but they can get people killed. There's always the members of the triangle trying to murder each other, but on the other hand there are lovesick idiots just have to drag others down with them. Like that time in the trenches where two guys and a girl were going at it while I was five feet away from them. I had a giant barbed spike sticking out of me and I was desperately trying to remember if the small and large intestines were named for length or diameter while they were bitching about whose dicks had been where.
46: Stop saying Feth: Feth is a spirit unique to Tanith. You know, planet fraked up by Chaos #9315? The survivors from that planet are few and far, so don't pretend you know what Feth means. And they are damn sensitive about their planet being destroyed and they WILL challenge you to a knife fight to the death if you don't pay it the respect it deserves. And I will do nothing when they slip around you and open your throat.
47: Beware Valhallan showers: I thought it was agreed that hypothermia was bad for you. Well, the Valhallans didn't get the memo. Astropath probably bollocked it up. Most people will run screaming from these showers because they feel like you just took a dip in arctic water. But some numbnuts will try and prove how tough they are by trying to stay underneath longer. I learned two things that day. Valhallan showers are co-ed, and that these showers can actually kill you. Somehow it doesn't kill the Valhallans, but those nuts actually find it pleasant.
48: Be careful when laying with fellow guardsmen: Look, I'm married. I understand the urge to seek comfort in the arms of another. But here's the thing. Commissars…REALLY don't like playing babysitter. They don't want anyone in the regiment unless they can hold a rifle and we haven't quite figured out how to weaponize babies in a way that wouldn't turn us into the Orks. Commissars already have too much stuff to stamp out, don't have them cracking down on sex too. Because they do it with those Emperor forsaken bolt pistols of theirs. The moral is, do it in the ass.
49: Autoguns were replaced by lasguns for a reason: I know there are still plenty solid projectile weapons circulating through the Imperium, especially on poorer planets, but we replace them with the trusty lasgun when we can for a reason. Twice as much ammo capacity, easier to maintain, power packs can be recharged at any Chimera and even on a fire (Highly dangerous though, last resort only) and they can be overcharged in a pinch. So while you should most certainly use an autogun if there aren't any lasguns in the area and you desperately need a weapon, we've been trained in the use of lasguns and most of us don't know how to use and maintain them properly. This is what caused my jaw to drop when one dumbass from another platoon got a stovepipe jam, one of the most basic jams to clear, and he honestly thought the gun was broken and started using it as a club. It says a lot when the Ork that killed him managed to figure out how to clear it in only half a minute.
50: Do not drive vehicles unless you are trained: Tech-Priests weird me out (And I'm hardly alone on this) but there's no getting around the fact that they know their crap when it comes to designing vehicles and discovering failings. Despite this, a team of three was utterly flabbergasted when an idiot took a Leman Russ for a joy ride on a dare. He was inside, so I don't know how many times the thing had to flip in order to get him out and stuck in the treads long enough to grind him to a paste-like that, and neither did the Tech-Priests.
51: Don't drink on the job: I know alcohol is good for making you forget how much life sucks, and in the trenches that's where you need it the most, but the next think you know your foot is in my lap and you can't quite remember how it got there. And let me tell you, this one happens a lot! There was an arm, and eye, a foot, a body part that caused my wife to make an extremely dark joke, and even a spine. Hell, a few more times and I can assemble an entire human body from the parts I've gotten.
52: Always be alert if the planet you're on contains an enemy force: You know the old phrase "Out of sight, out of mind?" I wonder how many lives that mentality has claimed, because it sure as hell isn't a low number. I learned first hand that if an enemy army is still on a planet, you don't spend your time there partying, no mater how far away you are from the front, because we live in an era were advances can be very fast and very brutal. As my current base filled with partying soldiers found out in a horrific and brutal way. I don't know what was more traumatizing. Hiding at the bottom of a pile of corpses, clutching my wife's hand and hoping we would both get out of this alive, or watching Orks try to figure out the inner workings of a toga party.
53: Don't be too proud to accept help from the Ultramarines: I know. I KNOW! They're utterly infuriating stuck up pricks. Is is bullshit that they're responsible for the most damage done to two of the three hive fleets, that they have the most successor chapters, and that their Chapter Master killed a fragment of a god with his bare hands? Yes it is, it's the most infuriating band of twats I've ever heard of, but we should still use this to our advantage. In a galaxy where everything wants to fuck us, sometimes literally, we need every asset we can get. So I want Marneus Calgar at my side. I'm still going to talk shit about him the second he's out of earshot, but I'm smart enough to know I'm more likely to survive hiding behind him when a Daemon is trying to eat me.
54: Disregard 53 if the Ultramarine in question is Cato Sicarius: Forget everything I said if Cato Sicarius is involved. You think the standard Ultramarine has an ego the size of a small moon? Well, they do, but Cato Sicarius has an even bigger one, and it tends to manifests in ways that are a lot more destructive (Not to him, but to the poor sons of bitches around him. Namely us). I was on the other end the system where this happened, but when we were clearing out a Chaos infestation, Sicarius got hundreds of thousands of men killed. The Ultramarine 2nd company was supposed to secure the flank of the main army, but he led them running off to go fight some warlord. Because he insulted his honor or something (Probably just insulted that stupid ass thing he calls a helmet) and so he had to go prove his worth while the plebeians all died. So yeah. If he's around, don't count on him for help.
55: Don't pick a fight with the Administranum. You will lose: The Administranum is like a train wreck that just keeps going, everyone knows this. We've all been waiting to get a delivery of munitions and food and get something we didn't need/want. The weirdest thing I ever got was a bag of used diapers, my wife a couple of Tau bladders and some kid who transferred into our unit actually got delivered the preserved corpse of a saint. Wonder how many people got fired (Out of an airlock) for that one. Despite this, fighting with them to get what you want is an exercise in futility. People have actually died from starvation and thirst in the waiting line to make an appointment, it's so long and they're so incompetent it takes forever for them to process someone. Still, it wasn't all bad. I got to go next after that.
56: Try to not antagonize the other people in your unit: We're kinda tiny and scrawny compared to everything else out there, that's why there are trillions of us fighting the good fight all over the Imperium, to even things out with raw numbers. The problem is that this advantage doesn't really work if you burn bridges and alienate the people you're supposed to rely on. For example, if you lose a game of poker, don't throw a tantrum and pull a gun on her, she might snap your wrist. And when you have a broken hand and you're end out to fight anyway, the husband of the woman you threatened might not feel like helping you and might instead just use the time to write his book while a Hormagaunt turns you into its new chew toy. Thanks for the entry by the way. Fucker.
57: Store your weapon properly: Keeping number 52 in mind, I appreciate that some people want to keep their weapons close by in case of an enemy attack, but there's smart ways to do it. Don't just put them somewhere where they can go off and kill you. The old under the pillow thing is a great way to accidentally set it off. Let me tell you, years before I was married, a good looking corporal coaxed me into her bed. She was buck naked, was looking down at where I was laying leapt onto the bed…and set off the laspistol under her pillow, blowing her brains out. I was sexually withdrawn for YEARS after that!
58: Remember where you buried the mines: Ok seriously people? This is extremely basic. Mine go boom. Boom hurt. We not want hurt. Therefore, we no step on mine. Bad people go boom. Not us. So when someone puts the sign about the minefield up and it's FACING THE WRONG WAY people tend to get a little confused about where Steve went and why it suddenly started raining blood and bits of organ and the shavings created by my teeth grinding together.
59: Practice trigger discipline: You know those trigger things we have on our guns? We pull them when we're pointing them at people we don't like and that's all. Our fingers stay away from those triggers unless we're doing that or are about to do that. It's annoying enough when people can't just keep their fingers where they belong and blow a couple of holes in the roof, but when I'm just trying to eat, I'd prefer if I didn't have to deal with the guy next to me leaning over to the side and smashing into my plate because it turns out he has a hole in his head.
60: Don't get caught with this book: This is a recent affair, but with the Imperium's zero tolerance policy against common sense, people who possess this book are ordered to be executed. Don't worry, there's an easy way around it. Before you burn your copy of the primer uplifter, take the cover out and put it on this book. In fact, there's a fun game you can play with this. Give this book like this to an officer who's an ass hat before shouting "Heretic!" and running away. Karma coming full circle.
Author's Note: Chapter 3, here we go. I hope you guys enjoy it, but don't fill yourselves up just yet, the best is yet to come!
I would like to thank my Patrons SuperFeatherYoshi, xXNanamiXx, Ryan Van Schaack, and RaptorusMaximus for their amazing support.
- Location
- Massachusetts USA
Very few surprisingly. I think there's one about coming out of Warp directly into a pirate base, but that's about it.
The number I've ripped from badfics though? Easily into the dozens.
I thought number two would have come up since that looks like someone playing the odds on a twenty-sided die.
- Location
- Massachusetts USA
Nah, if anything I was thinking of Gaunt's Ghosts, where the trick was done right, but I felt like the margin of error was razor thin.
Chapter 4
- Location
- Massachusetts USA
61: The Servitors are not playthings! I have enjoyed plenty of evenings off watch seeing Enginseers use load-lifters see how many gretchin they can punt in a minute, or watching 'sharpshooting' with gun-servitors, but when one breaks or gets misprogrammed...we didn't find all the pieces. Of either.
62: Don't take the Tactica Imperium to heart: The Tactica Imperium, contrary to popular belief, is not a single book but rather millions upon millions of tomes all dedicated to the same topic and it'd take the better part of your life to get through it if you even last that long. Still, compilation editions of one form or another are commonly issued to officers and unlike the Uplifting Primer they're good for something other than wiping your ass (And frankly wiping your ass with the Uplifting Primer is an insult to your ass). The problem is that there have been hundreds of thousands if not millions of authors involved in the Tactica Imperium so it can very easily end up contradicting itself. Take it figuratively and use it for inspiration, otherwise, we'll just end up constantly charging at and retreating from a fortified Chaos cult that is getting increasingly confused but is still picking us off with long-range weaponry. Because the officer in charge couldn't figure out that you can't combine Creed's supreme tactical flanking and ambushes with that asshole Kubrik Chenkov's suicidal charges.
63: Do not use the hoverpallets for your stupid frakking...whatever! You have a 10,000-year-old tech-pattern using minerals mined from the heart of a star or something, and you are pissing off it while going up and down cliffs. It's going to eventually smack your face into the edge of the cliff and I can tell you right now that it's got enough force to take your head clean off!
64: Respect the Elysian drop troops: The drop troops get a lot of flak from the rest of the guard AND the navy for not being real guardsmen and infringing on their territory respectively. These people are both stupid. I mean seriously people, we're ok with the Chem Dogs but we just can't stand drop troops? Ugh. I was part of a unit that was pinned down by heavy rebel fire and the commander of a unit that was stuck with us refused to call down the Elysians because they "weren't real guardsmen." Fifteen seconds later, he was on the ground picking up his missing teeth, I was cleaning the stock of my gun and the Elysians were raining death on the rebels. This idiot with, missing half of his teeth, still tried to talk shit to the Elysian commander that saved our asses, even though the guy was way more polite than he honestly had to be. Anyway, that's how he lost the rest of his teeth. To me. Emperor's balls, I'm turning into an Ork.
65: The Sisters of Battle aren't interested: To all the men (And women) out there who have fantasies about screwing Sisters of Battle…forget it. They took an oath of celibacy and they take it VERY seriously. Granted I think I might have seen one fapping to an image of the Emperor once (I wasn't where I was supposed to be, don't ask) but I only got a glimpse. Anyway back on topic, there were a couple of guys and gals who got drunk and started hitting on this one Sorita. Half an hour later there was blood everywhere, all but one of them were dead (And the one survivor's arm turned up on the other side of the city), and I have never seen a copy of the Lectitio Divinitatus be used in that manner. So yeah, that was my reunion with my sister. For the record, the one guy who survived tragically died when I was bringing him to camp to get medical attention. He accidentally fell on my knife multiple times.
66: The Sisters of Battle are not to be underestimated: Look I have no idea if this bullshit about Sisters being killed for blood by some undocumented Space Marine chapter are true (I asked my sis and she refuses to give me a straight answer, but she starts swearing under her breath and grinding her teeth whenever I do, so I'm a little worried) but they're still heads and shoulders above the rest of the guard. They have bolters when we all have our lasguns (Well YOU have lasguns, I have a hellgun) so maybe don't alienate the ladies with the big guns. Because I'm just going to point and laugh when you're pinging away at a Chaos Space Marine all by yourself. I've done it before and I'll do it again.
67: Ditch any scavenged Tau weapons before you get back to camp: Look I know, this one is really painful to do. I'm not a big fan of the Tau, but they make damn fine weapons. Back in my first enlisted year, when I was still wet between the years, we were fighting the Tau and captured an armory. We helped ourselves to the weapons and dug in. I can't remember the last time I had so much fun, those weapons were accurate, powerful and above all satisfying. We racked up one hell of a kill count were still riding the high all the way back to camp. Then everyone in my squad was executed for using heretical alien tech. They only didn't do me because I actually lost my pulse rifle on the way back. Yeah. That was a fun first mission.
68: Force-feeding a Carnifex soldiers is an ineffective way of killing it. Yes. This happened. I imagine the guy who tried it was a fan of Kubrik Chenkov. Sadly the Carnifex had been killed by more conventional and rational means by the time we got our hands on him, so the obvious route of giving him an ironic death was out of the question. So we got uncreative and just clubbed him to death. Starting from the bottom and working our way up.
69: Don't pick on Psykers: This just doesn't end well for anyone. These guys have Daemons constantly yapping at their heels, which I imagine would put even the calmest and level headed person on a state of constant edge. I think Astropaths have it better but even then they still have to be careful. Because if you push these guys too far, they're going to snap and they'll get the last laugh when the ceiling becomes a floor and the floor grows a dick. With spikes on the top. And let me tell you, when you see three guardsmen who have been impaled on a giant Daemon dick's head spikes, you're at the very least going to spend a month trying to destroy the memory (Unsuccessfully) with alcohol.
70: Cut the PDFs some slack: No seriously, lay off. You know how bad we have it? At the very least we have reliable equipment, experienced and almost always take part in combined arms tactics with other regiments. PDFs have none of that. They have their own wit and whatever weapons the bumblefuck nobles on that planet gave to them. Which is the bare minimum for the Imperial Guard, if they're lucky. So when Tyranids invade they have to single handily fight them off with their crap equipment until the Guard gets there, which might take awhile because the Administratum forgot where the planet was (AGAIN!). As such, when we finally push them back and are making patrols with the shell shocked survivors who turned the thousand-yard stare into a thousand light-year stare, the last thing they want to hear is a smart ass saying that this was just the barely surviving fraction of a splinter feet that had been destroyed a few months ago and that they should try being in a REAL fight. I never saw the woman who said that again but I can guess what happened to her. Most of my theories involve sharp objects, the PDF on that planet had a thing for swords.
71: Make sure there's air on the other side before you open the air-lock: I would honestly be surprised if anyone reading this is shocked by this at this point, but just in case someone is trying to hold onto their sanity, yes this happened. It was especially dumb because everyone else was wearing void suits and he was the one that pushed the button. At the very least I can now confirm the explosive decompression is a thing. First-hand experience there.
72: Don't even bother picking fights "Champion" warriors. I'm not talking about Chaos Champions here, I'm just using a generic term here. You know how it works, you've got the rank and file cannon fodder, the guys worth a bit more, the elite troopers that can put up a fight but still go down, and the people whose names you actually learn. These guys are scarily competent and you should only bother if you're aiming at them with an anti-tank las-canon. I don't feel sorry for the lady who thought she could take on, Archionan the cracker of worlds and the fucker of skulls, but she tried and predictable results followed. I didn't really see how it happened, I was getting the hell out of there so I wouldn't get to see how literal the name was.
73: The battlefield is not a frakking fashion show: Enough with the fancy dresses, the puffy tunics, the feathered jock straps and anything that puts appearance over practicality should be tossed on the fire. That stuff gets in the way, it tends to be flammable, and Emperor's sake it looks tacky. I still haven't forgotten the time this one regiment of blue-bloods all had these long and stupid looking stuffed up collars that gave them serious tunnel vision. It was so bad that they actually got flanked by Orks. ORKS! When you get flanked by an Ork that isn't a Kommando, you have to do some serious soul searching.
74: Remember that we're somehow still in M41: This is something that has been such a mindfuck that it's best just to not question it. It's M41. Not M42. Even though the 13th Black Crusade happened a decade or two ago and that happened in 999.M41, it's still M41. I have no idea why or how this is a thing. All I know is that people have honestly been threatened with summary execution for claiming that it's M42. So just don't bring it up. No real reason to anyway. It's not like M40 and M39 were that different from M41 in how soul-crushingly brutal and hopeless they were, why would M42 be any different? (Granted this only makes people insisting that we haven't moved to the new Millennium even more confusing)
75: The Marines Malevolent are essentially the spawn Nurgle's bloated ballsack: Marines Malevolent. Malevolent. MA-LEV-O-LENT! When you get a name like that you're pretty much doomed to be a douche guzzler the size of a small star, and for the love of Sanguinius' magnificent long flowing bright golden hair, they live up to that name with pleasure. I honestly think at one point they actually made their mission harder for themselves by placing themselves in a heavier fire zone, because otherwise they would be expected to save people's lives. If they show up in the same system as you, consider desertion. You're more likely to survive that way.
76: The Lamenters are essentially the lost children of Sanguinus, so respect them: Emperor…the Lamenters. Easily the most tragic Space Marine chapter in existence. Their words are "For those we cherish we die in glory," and sadly they've been doing quite a bit of it. They've been shunned by the Imperium for the most trivial of things, the Ultrapricks hate them because they didn't get down on their needs to suckle their taint, most people distrust them for being part of the Cursed Founding, and blah blah blah. They never, EVER, stop fighting to protect the people of the Imperium, no matter how much of their own blood is shed. Millions of people owe them their lives. You have a problem with the Lamenters? You answer to us.
77: Artillery is to be manned by trained personnel only: You know how hard it can be to reliably shoot a target at a hundred meters? Imagine shooting a target at ten kilometers. Except you don't have a direct line of sight, you have to shoot up into the air and calculate the trajectory so that your shot hits the target on the fall down, and it's an explosive shell so you have to make sure you don't blow up friendlies. This takes a great deal of training to do with accuracy. So please, no trying to be heroes and blast a Vampire Raider out of the air. And if you do it anyway, don't shoot directly up! When the shell comes down we don't lose a valuable artillery piece in addition to your stupid asses.
78: Better equipment does nothing if in the hands of people who can't use it: Ok, this one isn't from me but from my better half. She was from a planet under heavy influence from the Iron Hands. They were getting annoyed by us dying all the time so they had an idea. Augment several million soldiers to make them better fighting machines. And they did not half-ass this. Cybernetic limbs, eyes, several organs, and mental enhancers were all standard issue, and this stuff was top notch. Just one little problem. They gave all of this to fresh recruits. Who had never seen a firefight before. Hundreds of thousands of them all died on their first mission and plenty more on the ones after that. My wife is one of the few who actually lived long enough to use the implants properly. HOW!? How do you frak up that badly!? If we had millions of Veteran Sergeants with stuff like that (I am one so I'm a little biased) we could've done some serious damage! But nooooo, the Iron Hands were more concerned about how "the flesh is weak" and not "These people don't know what the FUCK they're doing."
79: The mounts of the Death Riders are not cute horseies: Do you know the first thing about the Death Korps? I mean it's in their frakking name. They're from a radioactive hellhole and I think they like it that way. Their horses reflect it, because someone as batshit as a Kriegsman wouldn't be happy if the thing they were riding into battle wasn't as fucked in the head as they were. Simply put, if you try and pet one of them, expect to lose your hand. And wrist. And the rest of your arm. And then your head. Those things have big appetites.
80: When you execute everyone in a squad except one, expect the survivor to murder you: I don't know what he was expecting. I remembered his face, his name his unit. Everything. I bided my time, waited years. I pulled enough strings to get sent to the same planet where it all happened, where he was stationed. I blew his brains out all over the illegal graves I had made for them. And thanks to all the evidence I planted in his room, he's now remembered as a traitor and a heretic. He's dead, his reputation is gone, and in his last moments, he was begging for his life. If anyone ever tells you revenge is hollow, I say, only if you're stupid. If you're smart, revenge is the best feeling in the world.
XXXXX
Author's Note: My dear friend Pentralion wrote 61 and 63, although I did add to 63.
I would like to thank my Patrons SuperFeatherYoshi, xXNanamiXx, Ryan Van Schaack, and RaptorusMaximus for their amazing support.
62: Don't take the Tactica Imperium to heart: The Tactica Imperium, contrary to popular belief, is not a single book but rather millions upon millions of tomes all dedicated to the same topic and it'd take the better part of your life to get through it if you even last that long. Still, compilation editions of one form or another are commonly issued to officers and unlike the Uplifting Primer they're good for something other than wiping your ass (And frankly wiping your ass with the Uplifting Primer is an insult to your ass). The problem is that there have been hundreds of thousands if not millions of authors involved in the Tactica Imperium so it can very easily end up contradicting itself. Take it figuratively and use it for inspiration, otherwise, we'll just end up constantly charging at and retreating from a fortified Chaos cult that is getting increasingly confused but is still picking us off with long-range weaponry. Because the officer in charge couldn't figure out that you can't combine Creed's supreme tactical flanking and ambushes with that asshole Kubrik Chenkov's suicidal charges.
63: Do not use the hoverpallets for your stupid frakking...whatever! You have a 10,000-year-old tech-pattern using minerals mined from the heart of a star or something, and you are pissing off it while going up and down cliffs. It's going to eventually smack your face into the edge of the cliff and I can tell you right now that it's got enough force to take your head clean off!
64: Respect the Elysian drop troops: The drop troops get a lot of flak from the rest of the guard AND the navy for not being real guardsmen and infringing on their territory respectively. These people are both stupid. I mean seriously people, we're ok with the Chem Dogs but we just can't stand drop troops? Ugh. I was part of a unit that was pinned down by heavy rebel fire and the commander of a unit that was stuck with us refused to call down the Elysians because they "weren't real guardsmen." Fifteen seconds later, he was on the ground picking up his missing teeth, I was cleaning the stock of my gun and the Elysians were raining death on the rebels. This idiot with, missing half of his teeth, still tried to talk shit to the Elysian commander that saved our asses, even though the guy was way more polite than he honestly had to be. Anyway, that's how he lost the rest of his teeth. To me. Emperor's balls, I'm turning into an Ork.
65: The Sisters of Battle aren't interested: To all the men (And women) out there who have fantasies about screwing Sisters of Battle…forget it. They took an oath of celibacy and they take it VERY seriously. Granted I think I might have seen one fapping to an image of the Emperor once (I wasn't where I was supposed to be, don't ask) but I only got a glimpse. Anyway back on topic, there were a couple of guys and gals who got drunk and started hitting on this one Sorita. Half an hour later there was blood everywhere, all but one of them were dead (And the one survivor's arm turned up on the other side of the city), and I have never seen a copy of the Lectitio Divinitatus be used in that manner. So yeah, that was my reunion with my sister. For the record, the one guy who survived tragically died when I was bringing him to camp to get medical attention. He accidentally fell on my knife multiple times.
66: The Sisters of Battle are not to be underestimated: Look I have no idea if this bullshit about Sisters being killed for blood by some undocumented Space Marine chapter are true (I asked my sis and she refuses to give me a straight answer, but she starts swearing under her breath and grinding her teeth whenever I do, so I'm a little worried) but they're still heads and shoulders above the rest of the guard. They have bolters when we all have our lasguns (Well YOU have lasguns, I have a hellgun) so maybe don't alienate the ladies with the big guns. Because I'm just going to point and laugh when you're pinging away at a Chaos Space Marine all by yourself. I've done it before and I'll do it again.
67: Ditch any scavenged Tau weapons before you get back to camp: Look I know, this one is really painful to do. I'm not a big fan of the Tau, but they make damn fine weapons. Back in my first enlisted year, when I was still wet between the years, we were fighting the Tau and captured an armory. We helped ourselves to the weapons and dug in. I can't remember the last time I had so much fun, those weapons were accurate, powerful and above all satisfying. We racked up one hell of a kill count were still riding the high all the way back to camp. Then everyone in my squad was executed for using heretical alien tech. They only didn't do me because I actually lost my pulse rifle on the way back. Yeah. That was a fun first mission.
68: Force-feeding a Carnifex soldiers is an ineffective way of killing it. Yes. This happened. I imagine the guy who tried it was a fan of Kubrik Chenkov. Sadly the Carnifex had been killed by more conventional and rational means by the time we got our hands on him, so the obvious route of giving him an ironic death was out of the question. So we got uncreative and just clubbed him to death. Starting from the bottom and working our way up.
69: Don't pick on Psykers: This just doesn't end well for anyone. These guys have Daemons constantly yapping at their heels, which I imagine would put even the calmest and level headed person on a state of constant edge. I think Astropaths have it better but even then they still have to be careful. Because if you push these guys too far, they're going to snap and they'll get the last laugh when the ceiling becomes a floor and the floor grows a dick. With spikes on the top. And let me tell you, when you see three guardsmen who have been impaled on a giant Daemon dick's head spikes, you're at the very least going to spend a month trying to destroy the memory (Unsuccessfully) with alcohol.
70: Cut the PDFs some slack: No seriously, lay off. You know how bad we have it? At the very least we have reliable equipment, experienced and almost always take part in combined arms tactics with other regiments. PDFs have none of that. They have their own wit and whatever weapons the bumblefuck nobles on that planet gave to them. Which is the bare minimum for the Imperial Guard, if they're lucky. So when Tyranids invade they have to single handily fight them off with their crap equipment until the Guard gets there, which might take awhile because the Administratum forgot where the planet was (AGAIN!). As such, when we finally push them back and are making patrols with the shell shocked survivors who turned the thousand-yard stare into a thousand light-year stare, the last thing they want to hear is a smart ass saying that this was just the barely surviving fraction of a splinter feet that had been destroyed a few months ago and that they should try being in a REAL fight. I never saw the woman who said that again but I can guess what happened to her. Most of my theories involve sharp objects, the PDF on that planet had a thing for swords.
71: Make sure there's air on the other side before you open the air-lock: I would honestly be surprised if anyone reading this is shocked by this at this point, but just in case someone is trying to hold onto their sanity, yes this happened. It was especially dumb because everyone else was wearing void suits and he was the one that pushed the button. At the very least I can now confirm the explosive decompression is a thing. First-hand experience there.
72: Don't even bother picking fights "Champion" warriors. I'm not talking about Chaos Champions here, I'm just using a generic term here. You know how it works, you've got the rank and file cannon fodder, the guys worth a bit more, the elite troopers that can put up a fight but still go down, and the people whose names you actually learn. These guys are scarily competent and you should only bother if you're aiming at them with an anti-tank las-canon. I don't feel sorry for the lady who thought she could take on, Archionan the cracker of worlds and the fucker of skulls, but she tried and predictable results followed. I didn't really see how it happened, I was getting the hell out of there so I wouldn't get to see how literal the name was.
73: The battlefield is not a frakking fashion show: Enough with the fancy dresses, the puffy tunics, the feathered jock straps and anything that puts appearance over practicality should be tossed on the fire. That stuff gets in the way, it tends to be flammable, and Emperor's sake it looks tacky. I still haven't forgotten the time this one regiment of blue-bloods all had these long and stupid looking stuffed up collars that gave them serious tunnel vision. It was so bad that they actually got flanked by Orks. ORKS! When you get flanked by an Ork that isn't a Kommando, you have to do some serious soul searching.
74: Remember that we're somehow still in M41: This is something that has been such a mindfuck that it's best just to not question it. It's M41. Not M42. Even though the 13th Black Crusade happened a decade or two ago and that happened in 999.M41, it's still M41. I have no idea why or how this is a thing. All I know is that people have honestly been threatened with summary execution for claiming that it's M42. So just don't bring it up. No real reason to anyway. It's not like M40 and M39 were that different from M41 in how soul-crushingly brutal and hopeless they were, why would M42 be any different? (Granted this only makes people insisting that we haven't moved to the new Millennium even more confusing)
75: The Marines Malevolent are essentially the spawn Nurgle's bloated ballsack: Marines Malevolent. Malevolent. MA-LEV-O-LENT! When you get a name like that you're pretty much doomed to be a douche guzzler the size of a small star, and for the love of Sanguinius' magnificent long flowing bright golden hair, they live up to that name with pleasure. I honestly think at one point they actually made their mission harder for themselves by placing themselves in a heavier fire zone, because otherwise they would be expected to save people's lives. If they show up in the same system as you, consider desertion. You're more likely to survive that way.
76: The Lamenters are essentially the lost children of Sanguinus, so respect them: Emperor…the Lamenters. Easily the most tragic Space Marine chapter in existence. Their words are "For those we cherish we die in glory," and sadly they've been doing quite a bit of it. They've been shunned by the Imperium for the most trivial of things, the Ultrapricks hate them because they didn't get down on their needs to suckle their taint, most people distrust them for being part of the Cursed Founding, and blah blah blah. They never, EVER, stop fighting to protect the people of the Imperium, no matter how much of their own blood is shed. Millions of people owe them their lives. You have a problem with the Lamenters? You answer to us.
77: Artillery is to be manned by trained personnel only: You know how hard it can be to reliably shoot a target at a hundred meters? Imagine shooting a target at ten kilometers. Except you don't have a direct line of sight, you have to shoot up into the air and calculate the trajectory so that your shot hits the target on the fall down, and it's an explosive shell so you have to make sure you don't blow up friendlies. This takes a great deal of training to do with accuracy. So please, no trying to be heroes and blast a Vampire Raider out of the air. And if you do it anyway, don't shoot directly up! When the shell comes down we don't lose a valuable artillery piece in addition to your stupid asses.
78: Better equipment does nothing if in the hands of people who can't use it: Ok, this one isn't from me but from my better half. She was from a planet under heavy influence from the Iron Hands. They were getting annoyed by us dying all the time so they had an idea. Augment several million soldiers to make them better fighting machines. And they did not half-ass this. Cybernetic limbs, eyes, several organs, and mental enhancers were all standard issue, and this stuff was top notch. Just one little problem. They gave all of this to fresh recruits. Who had never seen a firefight before. Hundreds of thousands of them all died on their first mission and plenty more on the ones after that. My wife is one of the few who actually lived long enough to use the implants properly. HOW!? How do you frak up that badly!? If we had millions of Veteran Sergeants with stuff like that (I am one so I'm a little biased) we could've done some serious damage! But nooooo, the Iron Hands were more concerned about how "the flesh is weak" and not "These people don't know what the FUCK they're doing."
79: The mounts of the Death Riders are not cute horseies: Do you know the first thing about the Death Korps? I mean it's in their frakking name. They're from a radioactive hellhole and I think they like it that way. Their horses reflect it, because someone as batshit as a Kriegsman wouldn't be happy if the thing they were riding into battle wasn't as fucked in the head as they were. Simply put, if you try and pet one of them, expect to lose your hand. And wrist. And the rest of your arm. And then your head. Those things have big appetites.
80: When you execute everyone in a squad except one, expect the survivor to murder you: I don't know what he was expecting. I remembered his face, his name his unit. Everything. I bided my time, waited years. I pulled enough strings to get sent to the same planet where it all happened, where he was stationed. I blew his brains out all over the illegal graves I had made for them. And thanks to all the evidence I planted in his room, he's now remembered as a traitor and a heretic. He's dead, his reputation is gone, and in his last moments, he was begging for his life. If anyone ever tells you revenge is hollow, I say, only if you're stupid. If you're smart, revenge is the best feeling in the world.
XXXXX
Author's Note: My dear friend Pentralion wrote 61 and 63, although I did add to 63.
I would like to thank my Patrons SuperFeatherYoshi, xXNanamiXx, Ryan Van Schaack, and RaptorusMaximus for their amazing support.
- Location
- Somewhere North of south
IDK man murdering a guy for drunk flirting with a sister of battle seems a bit harsh.
And I'm pretty sure it was mentioned in Cain's last stand that sisters of battle don't take an oath of celibacy. (not a link to the novel)
- Location
- Canada
He was flirting with the "author"s sister.
- Location
- Somewhere North of south
The author's sister is a sorita?
- Location
- Canada
In-universe, yes, I believe.
- Location
- Massachusetts USA
Yup.
Later on he clarifies on the oath of celibacy "some take it, some don't. It isn't worth the risk."
Weirdly enough, that one may have slipped my mind.
Last edited:
Chapter 5
- Location
- Massachusetts USA
81: Do not over-rely on the Adeptus Arbites during a true battle: Many a trooper has thought "Hey, the Adeptus Arbites are equipped like a small army, surely they can help us when the planet is being invaded." Well it depends. Planets closer to active war zones usually have Arbites that balance law enforcement with planetary defense (And as it turns out, on max settings power mauls are very good at snapping spines and smashing skulls.) On planets that are more peaceful though, the Arbites seem to be more interested in beating up poor people for breaking up nonsensical laws (Apparently being destitute is illegal on more than a few planets and punishable by a fine) and/or shaking them down for tax money for a new law they totally didn't just make up. As such, when a Chaos cult is rioting in the streets (Who turned to Khorne out of desperation because the Arbites kept being asshats) you can't trust them to hold formation. Twelve men who were counting on them for supporting fire died, but on the plus side all of the Arbites died too and I now have their outfits for emergency situations.
82: Be careful about where you store the ammunition: This is like 57 except there's another layer to it. A lasgun can be left in a mud puddle overnight and it'll be ok so long as you have five minutes to clean it, but ammunition can be a bit more finicky. This goes double for bolter ammunition as those things are explosive shells that contain more explosives and we want all of that to not go off until it's in an Ork's face. So when I'm woken up by a loud explosion and I remember that someone left a box of bolter shells by the base's main reactor, I know I'm going to get pulled for corpse disposal duty. Again…also always fast for a day after something like that happens. Trust me on this one.
83: Simply burning heretical texts might be a bad idea: Now this is very much an exception to the norm. Most Chaos writings, altars, fetishes (Not that kind of fetish, shut up) can all safely have a flamer taken to it. And should. No, what I'm talking about is a Chaos text where the very ink used to write the words has power, something only done by extremely powerful sorcerers. These texts need to be shot into the sun of the local system to be disposed of. Because trying to burn it in a normal fire will incur the wrath of the demons whose blood was mixed into the ink (Of course…). I'm not even sure why that missionary was against the idea, surely the blazing heat of a star is a bigger middle finger than a simple fire. But no, and the last time I saw him a Lord of Change had inverted his body. Oh speaking of which.
84: If you ever see a Lord of Change run as fast as you can in the other direction and call down an orbital strike: This applies to all Greater Daemons really, but Lords of Change are the only ones I have any experience with. A dedicated kill-team of Space Marines going up against one, and ONLY one still has a 50% chance of not walking away from it. So unless we've got a perfectly positioned tank platoon ready to shred it to pieces, drop what you're doing, haul ass, and tell the navy to blow the frak out of that warpspawn. The missionary I mentioned earlier didn't seem to appreciate this. Yeah, your flamer is really going to hurt him buddy.
85: Don't bother trying to brutalize Slaanesh cultists. We sometimes lose ourselves in the heat of the moment and we want to cause as much pain and suffering to the people we're fighting (Emperor this one time I woke up in the back ally of a Hive, covered in blood that wasn't my own and I couldn't remember last night at all) but with Slannesh cultists it's an exercise in futility. The Inquisition has discovered (Though a LOT of experimentation I would imagine) that the only way you can really cause them suffering is through total sensory deprivation. Tearing their stomach open and ripping their guts out just makes them jizz their pants. What's more, they're not overwhelmed by the pain and can still kill you. I personally witnessed a couple of cultists kill a friend, both of them with rock hard dicks and nipples at the time, even though their organs were flapping out of their chests. Though for the record it's ok to brutalize their corpses after they're dead. I was feeling a little vindictive that day and I did things to their bodies that I honestly feel ashamed about and that I'm taking to my grave.
86: Only ingest anything Ork related as a last resort. And I don't just mean the things they make, Ork meat is the most rancid thing you'll ever taste. I tried to keep it down and failed. Considering how batshit the Orks are we really shouldn't be surprised that they drink fuel, put gunpowder in their cigars and let their meet "ripen" for a few days. Only eat or drink anything from them if death is the only alternative. And for Emperor's sake, don't chug Ork grog just to show how tough you are, that stuff shreds your insides. LITERALLY! THERE'S GROUND UP GLASS IN IT!
87: Death worlds are called that for a reason: Did you know that Catachan doesn't have a standing defensive army? That's because it doesn't need one. The wildlife on that planet is so vicious it honestly repels planetary invasion. It's an extreme example but death worlds are named that for a bleedingly obvious reason. On half of them, it's considered a great achievement to make it to adulthood, and even people who have lived on said planets their entire life are just one slip away from dying. Anyone who goes skinny dipping in a lake that turns out to have a giant man-eating serpent in it, I will gladly help the natives erect your half-digested skeleton in their display for "Stupid people who couldn't read the sign." For the record, the woman I helped put back together was #999. If she had been #1000 I would've gotten a free bottle of highly expensive whiskey …thanks for nothing.
88: Don't look the other way when your squamates are doing something heretical: I don't mean the "Is not paying respect by not reciting the 6532nd hymn properly" or something, I'm talking about serious Chaos worship crap. See as much as we hate Commissars, they exist for a reason. To put bolt shells in the heads of people who think praying to Slannesh is a reasonable response to not getting laid. Hey asshole, I don't care how much you like the guy, he's praying to a being that was born from the dying souls of trillions if not quintillions of Eldar so he can stick his dick in something. Luckily you didn't get killed from his Chaos related bullshit. The Commissar just executed the both of you when he found out.
89: Never accuse a Warboss of having no balls:…I was young. Very young. He kicked me…one of them popped. I was one of the lucky ones too.
90: Don't play Vostroyan roulette with any gun, ever: You are presumably not suicidal. Ergo, playing a game which could explicitly kill you is a bad idea. That's basic common sense, right? I frakking wish. A few people in one of my old squads tried it out with, I shit you not, A MALFUNCTIONING PLASMA PISTOL. Mind you, they weren't entirely dense: they'd overloaded it and aimed away from themselves with the idea that it'd explode on a random trigger pull, then failed to account for the splash radius of superheated plasma. How many of them survived that? A surprisingly high number, at least for a few days, with their skin melted into their clothes and their flesh turning to goo from absurd amounts of radiation poisoning. Remember why we don't turn guns into makeshift grenades?
91: Remember that Orks reproduce via spores: A bad thing about Orks is that they come back to life unless you burn everything in a ten-mile radius of anywhere they've been to ashes. It's not the worst thing about them, that'd be either their homicidal rampages across star systems or their lack of grammar skills, but it's bad enough that you'll want to keep your flamer on you at all times. My company forgot theirs one time and were for some reason surprised when the Orks they'd killed ten years ago ended up overrunning the planet they'd been fighting on, losing that system a critical Agri-World's worth of resources. A lot of people were executed for that monumental frakup, several of them by me personally, and the reason I got to live is because I joined literally a week after that particular battle. Thank the Emperor.
92: Segways are not proper military vehicles: I am seriously having a hard time figuring out if this is real, but I've seen too much evidence to the contrary to pass it up. So apparently Imperial Guardsmen sometimes make massive charges with segways. I just…why? I can walk faster than half of those things, they take up both of your arms so you can't do that shooting thing you want to do when charging, and you just look like an asshole! Maybe the plan is that the enemy will laugh themselves to death. Maybe. From the records that I've seen that's a little overly optimistic. And my overly optimistic I mean if you think that'll work I think you've recently been skull fucked by a Keeper of Secrets.
93: Don't interfere with an Imperial assassin's work: One official from the Adeptus Administrium tried to prevent an attempt on a traitorous planetary governor by sending mercenaries to kill the operative in order to buy the subject some time to flee. It was somewhat successful... Until the operative snuck on the governor's ship, and used his gun to blow the frakking jackass's head off. It turned out that after the Vindicare had interrogated this particular Administrium official, he left the bastard to die in the most painful way by slathering the arsehole with honey and milk and hanging him from a high perch. The intent was to have stray animals slowly bite off chunks of his flesh, and this is a fate I wouldn't wish upon anyone.
94: Removing a bullet on a battlefield doesn't help anyone: Too many kids in the Guard nowadays act on crappy propaganda movies, where they need a dramatic scene so they have a surgeon rip a solid projectile that was stuck in some 15-year-old Blue-Blood who couldn't act but wanted to be famous. I mean brave soldier. The thing is, a bullet or other projectile that has come to a full stop has already done all of its damage, and digging it out is just going to make the poor bastard on the table lose more blood. Even if it's poisoned, odds are its already made his way into the bloodstream, as that's a Dark Eldar thing and their poisons work FAST! So your attempts at heroics are probably going to kill the guy faster because your serrated combat knife tearing his chest apart isn't good for him. Who would've thought? (Minor exception, you DO need to get the bullet out if it's an explosive round that hasn't gone off)
95: Maintain any cybernetics that you have: This goes double if they're second hand (Anyone who makes a joke about that gets my boot up their ass). The Imperium has incredibly advanced medical technology, but you have to be important enough for them to bother using it on you. After decades and decades of service and fighting in dozens of war, I qualified for implants that weren't used by someone else before. They were low budget, but I was the first one to wear them. And you've got to maintain all of them, or they will crap out on you at the wrong moment. So no, your leg leaking grey fluid isn't something that will just go away, and you have no one but yourself to blame when it gives out on you lady. I told you to maintain that thing but you just said, "I'll do it later." You are so fucking lucky that Dark Eldar accidentally shot you in the head…
96: Blue-Bloods couldn't be more stuck up if they tried: Dear Emperor, NOBLES! Proof that Tzeench exists and is laughing at our misery. Think about it, how else could something so stupid exist unless that tentacle monster stopped hunting for teenage schoolgirls (Probably pissed he didn't get to Fulgrim first) and blew his load all over the Imperium? They seem determined to fuck over the Imperium. If they're not blowing Thrones (That seems to be the currency of the Imperium? No one can really make up their mind if it is or not) on their diamond-encrusted toilet seats or gold plated jockstraps (yes REALLY) they're doing much dumber things. Like the time they had their servants carry them to the battlefield in suspended chairs. And then the rebels shelled them. Predictable results were predictable. And the inconsiderate pricks had all of their weapons studded with jewels. Do they have any idea how hard it is to pull that crap off of a power sword so people won't know it was looted?
97: Purple does NOT equal stealth: It's a semi-well-known fact that Orks can slightly bend reality if they collectively believe something, like red ones go faster. (My sister actually sabotaged an Ork vehicle by dumping pink paint on it. That was a freaking funny day.) That being said, it ONLY works for Orks. So trying to play against their weaknesses by putting on a purple body suit is not going to get you through their camp for recon. Well, we did learn one thing. Apparently, the Orks did copy one thing from human culture that we didn't know about. Wishbone pulling.
98: Remember that we need to eat: I've lost track of the number of times we've run low on rations because its more satisfying to pack guns than it is food. More than once I've had to eat (IE, force down and try hard to not vomit up) Emperor's Mercy Bars and at one point I gave up and just ate a rat. More protein there. The important thing to remember is that soldiers need food just as much as they need ammo, at least with food we won't die FOR the Eldar. It must have been odd for them. To see hundreds of thousands of soldiers starving and forced to retreat, eating those who had already died. I wonder if they were disappointed they didn't get to use their elaborately complicated plan.
99: Dark Eldar are not fucking kinky: What is wrong with people? I'm not going to judge you for your kinks, we all have a few, but the Dark Eldar are not people who engage in naughty fun times. They put you through the most unbearable torture possible so that they can fend for Slannesh from gobbling up their souls for a few more miserable years. So don't flirt with them and for Emperor's sake don't let them near your food! I've risked my life to mercy kill someone who was being carried off by Dark Eldar, and I'm not doing it again.
100: Be wary of angry loved ones: There was a brave young woman. Well if she had been living on a peaceful planet she would've been young, on the battlefield she was older. There was another young lady who made her heart flutter. This second woman was wounded and under fire from when one of our lines were overrun by a Chaos invasion, one that the Eldar caused via manipulation. The first woman had a fire in her eyes I had never seen before. She abandoned her position and flitted between enemy lines. I got distracted by a sniper trying to take my head off, but when I had put a burn hole in her throat, twelve cultists were dead, and the woman was running back towards me. Her sweetheart in her arms.
The commander was furious. Not because she had thrown his plans into jeopardy, but because he was one of those pricks who didn't like his soldiers eating without his say so. He stood there, screaming at her, lasers and darker projectiles still flying. She stood her ground, glaring at him, her sweetheart whimpering in her arms. Then he pulled a pistol.
I doubt he was expecting the heavy weapons expert to kick him in the kneecap so hard that it shattered. I doubt he was expecting the sister of battle to sear his trigger hand into a blackened shell. And I doubt he expected the sergeant to use a stolen Eldar pistol that had a few shots left in it to reduce his corpse to a red mist and, making it look like the Eldar did it. Anyway, the moral?
Don't. Threaten. My. Daughter.
XXXXX
I'd like to thank BCTheEntity for 90 and 91 and Marcellasnow231 for 93. Kitkatinahat gave me inspiration for 97
I would like to thank my Patrons SuperFeatherYoshi, xXNanamiXx, Ryan Van Schaack, and RaptorusMaximus for their amazing support.
82: Be careful about where you store the ammunition: This is like 57 except there's another layer to it. A lasgun can be left in a mud puddle overnight and it'll be ok so long as you have five minutes to clean it, but ammunition can be a bit more finicky. This goes double for bolter ammunition as those things are explosive shells that contain more explosives and we want all of that to not go off until it's in an Ork's face. So when I'm woken up by a loud explosion and I remember that someone left a box of bolter shells by the base's main reactor, I know I'm going to get pulled for corpse disposal duty. Again…also always fast for a day after something like that happens. Trust me on this one.
83: Simply burning heretical texts might be a bad idea: Now this is very much an exception to the norm. Most Chaos writings, altars, fetishes (Not that kind of fetish, shut up) can all safely have a flamer taken to it. And should. No, what I'm talking about is a Chaos text where the very ink used to write the words has power, something only done by extremely powerful sorcerers. These texts need to be shot into the sun of the local system to be disposed of. Because trying to burn it in a normal fire will incur the wrath of the demons whose blood was mixed into the ink (Of course…). I'm not even sure why that missionary was against the idea, surely the blazing heat of a star is a bigger middle finger than a simple fire. But no, and the last time I saw him a Lord of Change had inverted his body. Oh speaking of which.
84: If you ever see a Lord of Change run as fast as you can in the other direction and call down an orbital strike: This applies to all Greater Daemons really, but Lords of Change are the only ones I have any experience with. A dedicated kill-team of Space Marines going up against one, and ONLY one still has a 50% chance of not walking away from it. So unless we've got a perfectly positioned tank platoon ready to shred it to pieces, drop what you're doing, haul ass, and tell the navy to blow the frak out of that warpspawn. The missionary I mentioned earlier didn't seem to appreciate this. Yeah, your flamer is really going to hurt him buddy.
85: Don't bother trying to brutalize Slaanesh cultists. We sometimes lose ourselves in the heat of the moment and we want to cause as much pain and suffering to the people we're fighting (Emperor this one time I woke up in the back ally of a Hive, covered in blood that wasn't my own and I couldn't remember last night at all) but with Slannesh cultists it's an exercise in futility. The Inquisition has discovered (Though a LOT of experimentation I would imagine) that the only way you can really cause them suffering is through total sensory deprivation. Tearing their stomach open and ripping their guts out just makes them jizz their pants. What's more, they're not overwhelmed by the pain and can still kill you. I personally witnessed a couple of cultists kill a friend, both of them with rock hard dicks and nipples at the time, even though their organs were flapping out of their chests. Though for the record it's ok to brutalize their corpses after they're dead. I was feeling a little vindictive that day and I did things to their bodies that I honestly feel ashamed about and that I'm taking to my grave.
86: Only ingest anything Ork related as a last resort. And I don't just mean the things they make, Ork meat is the most rancid thing you'll ever taste. I tried to keep it down and failed. Considering how batshit the Orks are we really shouldn't be surprised that they drink fuel, put gunpowder in their cigars and let their meet "ripen" for a few days. Only eat or drink anything from them if death is the only alternative. And for Emperor's sake, don't chug Ork grog just to show how tough you are, that stuff shreds your insides. LITERALLY! THERE'S GROUND UP GLASS IN IT!
87: Death worlds are called that for a reason: Did you know that Catachan doesn't have a standing defensive army? That's because it doesn't need one. The wildlife on that planet is so vicious it honestly repels planetary invasion. It's an extreme example but death worlds are named that for a bleedingly obvious reason. On half of them, it's considered a great achievement to make it to adulthood, and even people who have lived on said planets their entire life are just one slip away from dying. Anyone who goes skinny dipping in a lake that turns out to have a giant man-eating serpent in it, I will gladly help the natives erect your half-digested skeleton in their display for "Stupid people who couldn't read the sign." For the record, the woman I helped put back together was #999. If she had been #1000 I would've gotten a free bottle of highly expensive whiskey …thanks for nothing.
88: Don't look the other way when your squamates are doing something heretical: I don't mean the "Is not paying respect by not reciting the 6532nd hymn properly" or something, I'm talking about serious Chaos worship crap. See as much as we hate Commissars, they exist for a reason. To put bolt shells in the heads of people who think praying to Slannesh is a reasonable response to not getting laid. Hey asshole, I don't care how much you like the guy, he's praying to a being that was born from the dying souls of trillions if not quintillions of Eldar so he can stick his dick in something. Luckily you didn't get killed from his Chaos related bullshit. The Commissar just executed the both of you when he found out.
89: Never accuse a Warboss of having no balls:…I was young. Very young. He kicked me…one of them popped. I was one of the lucky ones too.
90: Don't play Vostroyan roulette with any gun, ever: You are presumably not suicidal. Ergo, playing a game which could explicitly kill you is a bad idea. That's basic common sense, right? I frakking wish. A few people in one of my old squads tried it out with, I shit you not, A MALFUNCTIONING PLASMA PISTOL. Mind you, they weren't entirely dense: they'd overloaded it and aimed away from themselves with the idea that it'd explode on a random trigger pull, then failed to account for the splash radius of superheated plasma. How many of them survived that? A surprisingly high number, at least for a few days, with their skin melted into their clothes and their flesh turning to goo from absurd amounts of radiation poisoning. Remember why we don't turn guns into makeshift grenades?
91: Remember that Orks reproduce via spores: A bad thing about Orks is that they come back to life unless you burn everything in a ten-mile radius of anywhere they've been to ashes. It's not the worst thing about them, that'd be either their homicidal rampages across star systems or their lack of grammar skills, but it's bad enough that you'll want to keep your flamer on you at all times. My company forgot theirs one time and were for some reason surprised when the Orks they'd killed ten years ago ended up overrunning the planet they'd been fighting on, losing that system a critical Agri-World's worth of resources. A lot of people were executed for that monumental frakup, several of them by me personally, and the reason I got to live is because I joined literally a week after that particular battle. Thank the Emperor.
92: Segways are not proper military vehicles: I am seriously having a hard time figuring out if this is real, but I've seen too much evidence to the contrary to pass it up. So apparently Imperial Guardsmen sometimes make massive charges with segways. I just…why? I can walk faster than half of those things, they take up both of your arms so you can't do that shooting thing you want to do when charging, and you just look like an asshole! Maybe the plan is that the enemy will laugh themselves to death. Maybe. From the records that I've seen that's a little overly optimistic. And my overly optimistic I mean if you think that'll work I think you've recently been skull fucked by a Keeper of Secrets.
93: Don't interfere with an Imperial assassin's work: One official from the Adeptus Administrium tried to prevent an attempt on a traitorous planetary governor by sending mercenaries to kill the operative in order to buy the subject some time to flee. It was somewhat successful... Until the operative snuck on the governor's ship, and used his gun to blow the frakking jackass's head off. It turned out that after the Vindicare had interrogated this particular Administrium official, he left the bastard to die in the most painful way by slathering the arsehole with honey and milk and hanging him from a high perch. The intent was to have stray animals slowly bite off chunks of his flesh, and this is a fate I wouldn't wish upon anyone.
94: Removing a bullet on a battlefield doesn't help anyone: Too many kids in the Guard nowadays act on crappy propaganda movies, where they need a dramatic scene so they have a surgeon rip a solid projectile that was stuck in some 15-year-old Blue-Blood who couldn't act but wanted to be famous. I mean brave soldier. The thing is, a bullet or other projectile that has come to a full stop has already done all of its damage, and digging it out is just going to make the poor bastard on the table lose more blood. Even if it's poisoned, odds are its already made his way into the bloodstream, as that's a Dark Eldar thing and their poisons work FAST! So your attempts at heroics are probably going to kill the guy faster because your serrated combat knife tearing his chest apart isn't good for him. Who would've thought? (Minor exception, you DO need to get the bullet out if it's an explosive round that hasn't gone off)
95: Maintain any cybernetics that you have: This goes double if they're second hand (Anyone who makes a joke about that gets my boot up their ass). The Imperium has incredibly advanced medical technology, but you have to be important enough for them to bother using it on you. After decades and decades of service and fighting in dozens of war, I qualified for implants that weren't used by someone else before. They were low budget, but I was the first one to wear them. And you've got to maintain all of them, or they will crap out on you at the wrong moment. So no, your leg leaking grey fluid isn't something that will just go away, and you have no one but yourself to blame when it gives out on you lady. I told you to maintain that thing but you just said, "I'll do it later." You are so fucking lucky that Dark Eldar accidentally shot you in the head…
96: Blue-Bloods couldn't be more stuck up if they tried: Dear Emperor, NOBLES! Proof that Tzeench exists and is laughing at our misery. Think about it, how else could something so stupid exist unless that tentacle monster stopped hunting for teenage schoolgirls (Probably pissed he didn't get to Fulgrim first) and blew his load all over the Imperium? They seem determined to fuck over the Imperium. If they're not blowing Thrones (That seems to be the currency of the Imperium? No one can really make up their mind if it is or not) on their diamond-encrusted toilet seats or gold plated jockstraps (yes REALLY) they're doing much dumber things. Like the time they had their servants carry them to the battlefield in suspended chairs. And then the rebels shelled them. Predictable results were predictable. And the inconsiderate pricks had all of their weapons studded with jewels. Do they have any idea how hard it is to pull that crap off of a power sword so people won't know it was looted?
97: Purple does NOT equal stealth: It's a semi-well-known fact that Orks can slightly bend reality if they collectively believe something, like red ones go faster. (My sister actually sabotaged an Ork vehicle by dumping pink paint on it. That was a freaking funny day.) That being said, it ONLY works for Orks. So trying to play against their weaknesses by putting on a purple body suit is not going to get you through their camp for recon. Well, we did learn one thing. Apparently, the Orks did copy one thing from human culture that we didn't know about. Wishbone pulling.
98: Remember that we need to eat: I've lost track of the number of times we've run low on rations because its more satisfying to pack guns than it is food. More than once I've had to eat (IE, force down and try hard to not vomit up) Emperor's Mercy Bars and at one point I gave up and just ate a rat. More protein there. The important thing to remember is that soldiers need food just as much as they need ammo, at least with food we won't die FOR the Eldar. It must have been odd for them. To see hundreds of thousands of soldiers starving and forced to retreat, eating those who had already died. I wonder if they were disappointed they didn't get to use their elaborately complicated plan.
99: Dark Eldar are not fucking kinky: What is wrong with people? I'm not going to judge you for your kinks, we all have a few, but the Dark Eldar are not people who engage in naughty fun times. They put you through the most unbearable torture possible so that they can fend for Slannesh from gobbling up their souls for a few more miserable years. So don't flirt with them and for Emperor's sake don't let them near your food! I've risked my life to mercy kill someone who was being carried off by Dark Eldar, and I'm not doing it again.
100: Be wary of angry loved ones: There was a brave young woman. Well if she had been living on a peaceful planet she would've been young, on the battlefield she was older. There was another young lady who made her heart flutter. This second woman was wounded and under fire from when one of our lines were overrun by a Chaos invasion, one that the Eldar caused via manipulation. The first woman had a fire in her eyes I had never seen before. She abandoned her position and flitted between enemy lines. I got distracted by a sniper trying to take my head off, but when I had put a burn hole in her throat, twelve cultists were dead, and the woman was running back towards me. Her sweetheart in her arms.
The commander was furious. Not because she had thrown his plans into jeopardy, but because he was one of those pricks who didn't like his soldiers eating without his say so. He stood there, screaming at her, lasers and darker projectiles still flying. She stood her ground, glaring at him, her sweetheart whimpering in her arms. Then he pulled a pistol.
I doubt he was expecting the heavy weapons expert to kick him in the kneecap so hard that it shattered. I doubt he was expecting the sister of battle to sear his trigger hand into a blackened shell. And I doubt he expected the sergeant to use a stolen Eldar pistol that had a few shots left in it to reduce his corpse to a red mist and, making it look like the Eldar did it. Anyway, the moral?
Don't. Threaten. My. Daughter.
XXXXX
I'd like to thank BCTheEntity for 90 and 91 and Marcellasnow231 for 93. Kitkatinahat gave me inspiration for 97
I would like to thank my Patrons SuperFeatherYoshi, xXNanamiXx, Ryan Van Schaack, and RaptorusMaximus for their amazing support.
Chapter 6
- Location
- Massachusetts USA
101: Getting rare and valuable guns isn't worth it: Plasma guns and other rare and valuable weapons are for the rich and the elite. Sometimes you get lucky and one falls in your lap (I finally got all the rubies off that power sword) but otherwise you're just not going to get one. A ripper pistol is a good example, a solid projectile weapon with so much poison it can bring down an Ork. If you want to get one and you're not a Rogue Trader or an Inquisitior, you're going to have to storm a pirate base for directions to a hidden cache guarded by local warlords for a key to an underground vault taken over by Tau sympathizers where the fucking thing is. But I had to go through it because my daughter wanted to give it to her sweetheart as a birthday present and I wasn't letting her go alone, and I'm so stupid I kinda think it was all worth it, so I'm not taking my own advice! I'm going soft in my old age. (She's damn good with that pistol though)
102: Used customized ammo only if you know what you're doing: Dum-dum rounds, inferno shells, manstopper bullets, bleeder rounds, amputator rounds and the absolutely vicious organ grinder rounds. These are all unique types of ammo that can be used with solid projectile weapons. My daughter in law is a gunslinger from Gunmetal City and she's got a collection of all of them. Half of them are incredibly situational, and can save your life if used right and get you killed if you use them wrong. Bleeder rounds are amazing against cultists, but against Necrons they're worthless. Because Necrons don't fucking bleed. Yeah, when I met my daughter in law for the first time, she learned that some members of her gang weren't as good with their weapons as she was.
103: Don't get cute with fire: Oh my sister goes off on a rant every time something like this happens. Yeah, you might feel like a badass when you douse someone you hate with flammable liquid, leave a trail with it and ignite the trail. Sure you could've just blasted him with a flamer, but what could go wrong? Oh right, a SLIGHT BREEZE could break the trail and he could escape and stab you with that shiv he was hiding. Or both. Oops.
104: Don't mess with Leviathan command centers: Look, with the galaxy the way it is, we need as many big guns as we can get. A Leviathan isn't exactly a Titan, but it's still got a big damn cannon and I'd like to see it firing at the enemy as much as possible. As such, dicking around with its internal mechanics because of a bet isn't recommended. I'll be standing by and taking pictures when the general catches you. Last time this happened he ordered the two who did it strapped to one of the shells. Damn did they get some mileage.
105: Don't mess with Titans: Basically everything that I said above along with how viciously protective the Tech Priests are of their toys. Seriously, do you have any idea how hard it is to make Titans nowadays? They do, and they're very protective of the ones that they have. So you try and put random shit in the gears and I won't be surprised when they kick you off over the edge. Had a fun time with my sister then, because that Titan was in the middle of climbing a mountain. We learned how far you need to fall to hit terminal velocity.
106: Don't underestimate the Exodite Eldar: Now I know what you're thinking. Eldar who have forsaken technology and live away from the Craftworlds? Oh man, the is the perfect chance for payback! This is what one woman I was stuck with on a scouting mission kept saying. I kept trying to point out that they weren't stupid and still used military technology, but she didn't want to hear it, she just wanted to kill some primitive xeno scum. Yeah, five seconds later she was up to her waist in the mouth of a Megadon. Another five seconds she was all over the place. I just kinda gave up and walked off while it was feeding. Maybe the Eldar are onto something about us all being primitive and stupid…well they would be if they weren't as primitive and stupid as the rest of us, just better at hiding it.
107: Non-human mercenaries can rarely be trusted: To be fair, human mercenaries aren't the most trustworthy either, but at least they stab you in the back because someone else offered them a better deal, not because they want your species dead. Kroot, Eldar and even frakking Orks can be hired if you're desperate and far away enough from Imperial territory. Ironically the Orks are the easiest to hire, just give them a load of scrap metal. Not so ironically they have a tendency to kill their employers when they got bored. The Kroot do it when they're hungry and the Eldar do it because they're loyal to their own people above all else. We should follow their example. Then kill them. That's what I did when one of them tried to run me through with his power sword. I tried to tell the Captain it was a bad idea, but he didn't want to hear it. And he was on the receiving end of a shuriken catapult. I didn't know bits of human could get that small.
108: Opt out of a battle if you feel too much pain to properly fight: Ok, my wife can turn off her pain receptors, but she's an exception to the rule. If you're completely overwhelmed by pain, just shut up and keep your head down. Fire your rifle from a prone position if you can, but stay put unless you need to retreat. You won't do anyone any good if you can't walk so much as five feet. So for fuck's sake, don't abandon the trenches try and charge a Mad Dok. When you collapse right in front of him, he'll think that you're offering to let him "Fix ya". Even Orks think Mad Doks are psychos, and that poor bastard figured that out the hard way.
109: Remember that our armor kinda sucks: Seriously. It's good for stopping stubbers, autoguns and lasguns, and not much else. And only humans use those weapons. Carapace armor can block a bit more, but even it can't do much (Speaking from experience here). Avoid getting hit in the first place, hug cover, get out of enemy lines of fire, and be good at parrying and dodging. Don't scream "THE EMPEROR WILL PROTECT ME!" while trying to blast down a row of Orks out in the open with an auto lasgun. You got one and a half before they ripped you apart buddy. I think the Emperor has bigger fish to fry.
110: Never use Chaos weapons: You'd think that I wouldn't have to tell people to stay away from a bolter that has sprouted eyeballs, but then again I'm on number 110 for a reason. So yes, just don't. They've been tainted by the Ruinous Powers and it'll go just as well as it sounds. If it won't corrupt you into being a servant of the Chaos Gods, it'll just grow a tentacle and rip you a new asshole. I'm not being cute, Slannesh will actually give you a new asshole. Along with a bunch of other painful changes I don't want to think about.
111: Eldar weapons are good, but nearly impossible to get fresh ammo for: Remember number 100? Yeah I hung onto that pistol for a bit. It was damn effective, but the only ammo that I had for it was what was in it. I ran out pretty quick. I kept it hidden in my barracks on the off chance I fought Eldar again and got to loot their bodies, but some dip shit stole it and tried to kill a Chaos Space Marine with it. There was an awkward moment before the Marine grabbed his head and crushed his skull with one good squeeze. Oh, remember number 80 and keep it out of sight too. It's possible to pull this off with pistols but not with bigger weapons, the commander started ranting about how heretical it was when he found the body. Or maybe that was about how the Marine was defecating on the corpse. I didn't feel up to asking. Was more wondering if Marines can normally do that or if this was some Slannesh deal. His armor was kind of looked like it was part of his…you know what never mind.
112: Fancy sword moves will get you killed: A sword is not a performer's baton to be spun around and tossed into the air. It's a hunk of metal that should be stabbing the enemy in the chest, face and everywhere else. Do not try to be flashy with long wind ups, flips or spins, just lop the asshole's head off and call it a day. Because he will if you don't. I tried to tell this to some stuck up "sword dancer" git, but he just laughed and said that a plebeian like me would never understand. At the end of the day, an Ork was using his skull as a handle for his gear shift and his sword as a car jack.
113: Nobles, the battlefield isn't court and you're made of flesh and bone just like us: I've had more than a few goes at nobles and I'm going to have a few more. Stuck up prats, most of them anyway. Always think they're better than use because of "superior breeding" which usually means that they look better or inherited money and they kill anyone who disagrees with them. The problem is that they're stuck in their delusional fantasies so much that they honestly buy their bullshit about being superior. So when Lord whatshisface of who cares spots an ordinary Khorne cultist with a pair of axes, he thinks he can take her. The thing is, while just a regular human that cultist had probably seen fifty more battles than him (As fifty is fifty more than zero). Stupid boy thought it would be a duel. She hacked him to pieces, every swing of her arms taking another part of his body off. His dress uniform and asinine looking gold cape weren't so pretty when they were drenched in his own blood while he was screaming for his life.
114: Don't be an ungrateful prick: When someone intervenes and stops a cultist from slaughtering you, almost losing his good eye and getting more than a few broken ribs in the process, say thank you. Don't say, "Don't touch me you filthy commoner," and "I'll have you killed for interfering in my duel," while lying in a pool of your own blood. If you do, I'll just let you lie there and bleed you out. Hey, I know you want me to go get that medical pack over there, but you told me to not touch you. Hands tied. I would've saved him anyway if he had just been a bastard. But then he had to threaten my life. Sorry champ. I've got this thing called life preservation.
115: Paranoia doesn't help: A healthy layer of skepticism might be able to get you from one day to the next, but there's a line between that and paranoia. We had spent six months fighting for control of a Hive city that Chaos had taken over, helping the still local loyalists. One lady was losing her mind from all of the hit and run attacks in the areas that we had managed to take back. Some cultists were hiding among the populace. She spent most of her time raving and ranting until eventually she shot some sixteen year old kid who had been fighting the cultists with his dad's old hunting rifle. Needless to say, the locals didn't take kindly to that, even though the kid lived. They got angry and asked how they knew if she wasn't really a cultist. I think that was the final straw that snapped her fragile mental state. She screamed that her mind would stay pure and blew her own brains out. Did I mention that the cultists were routed and victory was declared the next day?
116: Friendly Fire is a thing: I understand that when the enemy is charging you, you want to get as many shots off as possible before they reach you. That being said, could you please double check to make sure the people you're firing at are actually the enemy!? I have enough stress issues as it is, I don't need a las bolt taking off my helmet and singing my scalp as well! The asshole was smart enough to hide when I turned around, but he wasn't so lucky when he did it the second time. The Commissar had him executed, and for once it was called for. YOU DON'T FUCKING SHOOT AT THE BLOOD ANGELS!
117: You can get killed off duty: Contrary to popular belief, surviving a round with the Necrons does not make you invincible. I get that after you want to brag after you don't get vaporized by them, personally I'd rather just crawl into bed and forget about it. Just remember that you only survived because of tactics and a bit of luck, not because you're the Emperor's chosen. You're still vulnerable to being stabbed in the throat with a broken bottle. So if you're going to pick a fight with a big burly motherfucker after your great victory, try and die silently when I'm sleeping upstairs. My wife and I barely ever get any alone time, and we just want to silently rest in the same bed.
118: Most technology doesn't age well when left in a cave for 10,000 years: People love to talk about the powers of ancient technology, how it was too great for us to handle, and how we can find wondrous artifacts on the edges of space. Here's the thing. Sometimes they've broken down. Oh sure, sometimes we find an ancient STC that makes the Mechanicus spew oil everywhere but we're just as likely to find something sputtering sparks and Emperor knows what else. So maybe give it a few safety tests before grabbing it. I don't care how vivid your Rogue Trader fantasies are, it won't stop your new plasma pistol from blowing your entire arm off.
119: Don't ever interfere with the Inquistion's work: If I need to go any further on this, then you deserve to experience all Nine Actions first hand. All I know is this. When an Inquisitor asks you for Necron technology, you don't tell her why it's a bad idea. You shut up and give it to her. I don't know if she's still alive, and I don't care. You. Do not. Fuck. With the Inquisition.
120: Don't be an asshole to the nobles that actually pull their weight: Emperor be damned, there's some nobles who actually do something. This one had actually taken my advice, ripping off all of the impractical and gaudy parts of her uniform off. She was the medic for her regiment and was operating on a wounded soldier when I found her, one who was crying for his mother. Poor sap had taken a direct hit from a Dark Eldar weapon, the sick fucks having coated it with a slow acting and painful poison. He just wanted the pain to end. She wasn't letting him go though, and spent hours trying to save his life, juggling him with a few dozen other wounded soldiers.
Funny thing is that she was ignoring the people in her own regiment because their wounds were all superficial (Because the cowards were letting us do all the fighting), she was focusing on the common people. One guy In her unit got pissed that she wasn't treating the mild concussion that he had, and made a move to kill her patient. Next thing I knew, the jackass was dead on the ground, a scalpel having been driven right into his throat. She glared at his corpse and then went right back to work. She stayed with that man all through the night. Somehow, he pulled through. They're married now. I was there. The last time I smiled like that was when my daughter was born.
XXXXX
I would like to thank my Patrons SuperFeatherYoshi, xXNanamiXx, Ryan Van Schaack, and RaptorusMaximus for their amazing support.
102: Used customized ammo only if you know what you're doing: Dum-dum rounds, inferno shells, manstopper bullets, bleeder rounds, amputator rounds and the absolutely vicious organ grinder rounds. These are all unique types of ammo that can be used with solid projectile weapons. My daughter in law is a gunslinger from Gunmetal City and she's got a collection of all of them. Half of them are incredibly situational, and can save your life if used right and get you killed if you use them wrong. Bleeder rounds are amazing against cultists, but against Necrons they're worthless. Because Necrons don't fucking bleed. Yeah, when I met my daughter in law for the first time, she learned that some members of her gang weren't as good with their weapons as she was.
103: Don't get cute with fire: Oh my sister goes off on a rant every time something like this happens. Yeah, you might feel like a badass when you douse someone you hate with flammable liquid, leave a trail with it and ignite the trail. Sure you could've just blasted him with a flamer, but what could go wrong? Oh right, a SLIGHT BREEZE could break the trail and he could escape and stab you with that shiv he was hiding. Or both. Oops.
104: Don't mess with Leviathan command centers: Look, with the galaxy the way it is, we need as many big guns as we can get. A Leviathan isn't exactly a Titan, but it's still got a big damn cannon and I'd like to see it firing at the enemy as much as possible. As such, dicking around with its internal mechanics because of a bet isn't recommended. I'll be standing by and taking pictures when the general catches you. Last time this happened he ordered the two who did it strapped to one of the shells. Damn did they get some mileage.
105: Don't mess with Titans: Basically everything that I said above along with how viciously protective the Tech Priests are of their toys. Seriously, do you have any idea how hard it is to make Titans nowadays? They do, and they're very protective of the ones that they have. So you try and put random shit in the gears and I won't be surprised when they kick you off over the edge. Had a fun time with my sister then, because that Titan was in the middle of climbing a mountain. We learned how far you need to fall to hit terminal velocity.
106: Don't underestimate the Exodite Eldar: Now I know what you're thinking. Eldar who have forsaken technology and live away from the Craftworlds? Oh man, the is the perfect chance for payback! This is what one woman I was stuck with on a scouting mission kept saying. I kept trying to point out that they weren't stupid and still used military technology, but she didn't want to hear it, she just wanted to kill some primitive xeno scum. Yeah, five seconds later she was up to her waist in the mouth of a Megadon. Another five seconds she was all over the place. I just kinda gave up and walked off while it was feeding. Maybe the Eldar are onto something about us all being primitive and stupid…well they would be if they weren't as primitive and stupid as the rest of us, just better at hiding it.
107: Non-human mercenaries can rarely be trusted: To be fair, human mercenaries aren't the most trustworthy either, but at least they stab you in the back because someone else offered them a better deal, not because they want your species dead. Kroot, Eldar and even frakking Orks can be hired if you're desperate and far away enough from Imperial territory. Ironically the Orks are the easiest to hire, just give them a load of scrap metal. Not so ironically they have a tendency to kill their employers when they got bored. The Kroot do it when they're hungry and the Eldar do it because they're loyal to their own people above all else. We should follow their example. Then kill them. That's what I did when one of them tried to run me through with his power sword. I tried to tell the Captain it was a bad idea, but he didn't want to hear it. And he was on the receiving end of a shuriken catapult. I didn't know bits of human could get that small.
108: Opt out of a battle if you feel too much pain to properly fight: Ok, my wife can turn off her pain receptors, but she's an exception to the rule. If you're completely overwhelmed by pain, just shut up and keep your head down. Fire your rifle from a prone position if you can, but stay put unless you need to retreat. You won't do anyone any good if you can't walk so much as five feet. So for fuck's sake, don't abandon the trenches try and charge a Mad Dok. When you collapse right in front of him, he'll think that you're offering to let him "Fix ya". Even Orks think Mad Doks are psychos, and that poor bastard figured that out the hard way.
109: Remember that our armor kinda sucks: Seriously. It's good for stopping stubbers, autoguns and lasguns, and not much else. And only humans use those weapons. Carapace armor can block a bit more, but even it can't do much (Speaking from experience here). Avoid getting hit in the first place, hug cover, get out of enemy lines of fire, and be good at parrying and dodging. Don't scream "THE EMPEROR WILL PROTECT ME!" while trying to blast down a row of Orks out in the open with an auto lasgun. You got one and a half before they ripped you apart buddy. I think the Emperor has bigger fish to fry.
110: Never use Chaos weapons: You'd think that I wouldn't have to tell people to stay away from a bolter that has sprouted eyeballs, but then again I'm on number 110 for a reason. So yes, just don't. They've been tainted by the Ruinous Powers and it'll go just as well as it sounds. If it won't corrupt you into being a servant of the Chaos Gods, it'll just grow a tentacle and rip you a new asshole. I'm not being cute, Slannesh will actually give you a new asshole. Along with a bunch of other painful changes I don't want to think about.
111: Eldar weapons are good, but nearly impossible to get fresh ammo for: Remember number 100? Yeah I hung onto that pistol for a bit. It was damn effective, but the only ammo that I had for it was what was in it. I ran out pretty quick. I kept it hidden in my barracks on the off chance I fought Eldar again and got to loot their bodies, but some dip shit stole it and tried to kill a Chaos Space Marine with it. There was an awkward moment before the Marine grabbed his head and crushed his skull with one good squeeze. Oh, remember number 80 and keep it out of sight too. It's possible to pull this off with pistols but not with bigger weapons, the commander started ranting about how heretical it was when he found the body. Or maybe that was about how the Marine was defecating on the corpse. I didn't feel up to asking. Was more wondering if Marines can normally do that or if this was some Slannesh deal. His armor was kind of looked like it was part of his…you know what never mind.
112: Fancy sword moves will get you killed: A sword is not a performer's baton to be spun around and tossed into the air. It's a hunk of metal that should be stabbing the enemy in the chest, face and everywhere else. Do not try to be flashy with long wind ups, flips or spins, just lop the asshole's head off and call it a day. Because he will if you don't. I tried to tell this to some stuck up "sword dancer" git, but he just laughed and said that a plebeian like me would never understand. At the end of the day, an Ork was using his skull as a handle for his gear shift and his sword as a car jack.
113: Nobles, the battlefield isn't court and you're made of flesh and bone just like us: I've had more than a few goes at nobles and I'm going to have a few more. Stuck up prats, most of them anyway. Always think they're better than use because of "superior breeding" which usually means that they look better or inherited money and they kill anyone who disagrees with them. The problem is that they're stuck in their delusional fantasies so much that they honestly buy their bullshit about being superior. So when Lord whatshisface of who cares spots an ordinary Khorne cultist with a pair of axes, he thinks he can take her. The thing is, while just a regular human that cultist had probably seen fifty more battles than him (As fifty is fifty more than zero). Stupid boy thought it would be a duel. She hacked him to pieces, every swing of her arms taking another part of his body off. His dress uniform and asinine looking gold cape weren't so pretty when they were drenched in his own blood while he was screaming for his life.
114: Don't be an ungrateful prick: When someone intervenes and stops a cultist from slaughtering you, almost losing his good eye and getting more than a few broken ribs in the process, say thank you. Don't say, "Don't touch me you filthy commoner," and "I'll have you killed for interfering in my duel," while lying in a pool of your own blood. If you do, I'll just let you lie there and bleed you out. Hey, I know you want me to go get that medical pack over there, but you told me to not touch you. Hands tied. I would've saved him anyway if he had just been a bastard. But then he had to threaten my life. Sorry champ. I've got this thing called life preservation.
115: Paranoia doesn't help: A healthy layer of skepticism might be able to get you from one day to the next, but there's a line between that and paranoia. We had spent six months fighting for control of a Hive city that Chaos had taken over, helping the still local loyalists. One lady was losing her mind from all of the hit and run attacks in the areas that we had managed to take back. Some cultists were hiding among the populace. She spent most of her time raving and ranting until eventually she shot some sixteen year old kid who had been fighting the cultists with his dad's old hunting rifle. Needless to say, the locals didn't take kindly to that, even though the kid lived. They got angry and asked how they knew if she wasn't really a cultist. I think that was the final straw that snapped her fragile mental state. She screamed that her mind would stay pure and blew her own brains out. Did I mention that the cultists were routed and victory was declared the next day?
116: Friendly Fire is a thing: I understand that when the enemy is charging you, you want to get as many shots off as possible before they reach you. That being said, could you please double check to make sure the people you're firing at are actually the enemy!? I have enough stress issues as it is, I don't need a las bolt taking off my helmet and singing my scalp as well! The asshole was smart enough to hide when I turned around, but he wasn't so lucky when he did it the second time. The Commissar had him executed, and for once it was called for. YOU DON'T FUCKING SHOOT AT THE BLOOD ANGELS!
117: You can get killed off duty: Contrary to popular belief, surviving a round with the Necrons does not make you invincible. I get that after you want to brag after you don't get vaporized by them, personally I'd rather just crawl into bed and forget about it. Just remember that you only survived because of tactics and a bit of luck, not because you're the Emperor's chosen. You're still vulnerable to being stabbed in the throat with a broken bottle. So if you're going to pick a fight with a big burly motherfucker after your great victory, try and die silently when I'm sleeping upstairs. My wife and I barely ever get any alone time, and we just want to silently rest in the same bed.
118: Most technology doesn't age well when left in a cave for 10,000 years: People love to talk about the powers of ancient technology, how it was too great for us to handle, and how we can find wondrous artifacts on the edges of space. Here's the thing. Sometimes they've broken down. Oh sure, sometimes we find an ancient STC that makes the Mechanicus spew oil everywhere but we're just as likely to find something sputtering sparks and Emperor knows what else. So maybe give it a few safety tests before grabbing it. I don't care how vivid your Rogue Trader fantasies are, it won't stop your new plasma pistol from blowing your entire arm off.
119: Don't ever interfere with the Inquistion's work: If I need to go any further on this, then you deserve to experience all Nine Actions first hand. All I know is this. When an Inquisitor asks you for Necron technology, you don't tell her why it's a bad idea. You shut up and give it to her. I don't know if she's still alive, and I don't care. You. Do not. Fuck. With the Inquisition.
120: Don't be an asshole to the nobles that actually pull their weight: Emperor be damned, there's some nobles who actually do something. This one had actually taken my advice, ripping off all of the impractical and gaudy parts of her uniform off. She was the medic for her regiment and was operating on a wounded soldier when I found her, one who was crying for his mother. Poor sap had taken a direct hit from a Dark Eldar weapon, the sick fucks having coated it with a slow acting and painful poison. He just wanted the pain to end. She wasn't letting him go though, and spent hours trying to save his life, juggling him with a few dozen other wounded soldiers.
Funny thing is that she was ignoring the people in her own regiment because their wounds were all superficial (Because the cowards were letting us do all the fighting), she was focusing on the common people. One guy In her unit got pissed that she wasn't treating the mild concussion that he had, and made a move to kill her patient. Next thing I knew, the jackass was dead on the ground, a scalpel having been driven right into his throat. She glared at his corpse and then went right back to work. She stayed with that man all through the night. Somehow, he pulled through. They're married now. I was there. The last time I smiled like that was when my daughter was born.
XXXXX
I would like to thank my Patrons SuperFeatherYoshi, xXNanamiXx, Ryan Van Schaack, and RaptorusMaximus for their amazing support.
Last edited:
Chapter 7
- Location
- Massachusetts USA
121: Do not insult a soldier who is pressing a gun to your face: Hey all budding commanders, here's a pro tip. When you've gotten a soldier mad enough that he's got you at point-blank range, a few things. First of all, you're a failure of a commander if you let it get to this stage. Second of all, you do not further antagonize him, you try to get him to stand down. Third of all, you do not say his family will die if he does anything. Because that directly translates out to "Kill me and make sure no one ever finds out." And that's exactly what happened.
122: Do not give a person a position of power just because they're a good lay: There was this one utterly braindead Inquisitor who gave a position of power to her boytoy. She was on thin ice already, there was another Inquisitor shadowing her, waiting for a reason to have her branded a heretic, she kept shooting her bolter when other people were trying to talk, and she kept limiting her troop loads because "I can't go over 2000 points". But her fuck toy, OH MY EMPEROR he was the worst. Tried to sleep with everyone with a XX chromosome, though thankfully none of them were interested. And then he tried to sword fight with an Ultramarine scout. I know right? So yeah, his neck got snapped and his girlfriend got killed after she took a shot at Uriel Ventris and her babysitter lost his temper.
123: Do not threaten a soldier's family: No this isn't a personal one, but with me, the point still stands. Stupid pompous blue-blood prat says that he wants a soldier's eldest daughter as a servant. And when I say servant, I mean he was licking his lips and leering at a nearby woman when he said servant. I'm not even sure the guy had a daughter, he might've looked mad on principle. The prick seemed to act like everyone else would side with him in his quest to enslave another human being. Surprise surprise, humans aren't monsters and filled him with bayonets. I was pretty sure he was already dead when I got to the head of the throng, but I didn't care. This was a good chance to show my little girl how you make sure the bayonet doesn't get stuck in the ribs.
124: Don't play at being detective if you don't know what you're doing: I got stuck with an idiot trying to investigate the disappearance of a noblewoman. We turned her room upside down and found an Eldar artifact. The dumbass thought it had nothing to do with it because the Eldar weren't around anymore. Hey dip shit, you know who else isn't around anymore? THE WOMAN WE WERE LOOKING FOR! And then he goes and arrests the girl's parents! Why? Because there was a secret passage in the girl's room. I am not making this up. Actually, he just said there was, we never actually FOUND them. And they were nobles. So yeah. Death by Iron Maiden for him. I threw him under the Land Raider and I don't regret it
125: Felnids are not cute, cuddly or sexy: 99.99% of the people of the Imperium have never and will never see them, but are convinced that they're sexy cat-girls. You know what they are in reality? Part mountain cat. IE, vicious predators and carnivores. They're kind of aware of how sexualized they are by the Imperium and they've gotten sadistic about it. They love saying, just out of sight, "I could just eat you up," before getting very literal about it. Goodie, they took humor lessons from the Kroot.
126: Know how armor works: I've said it before and I'll say it again, our armor sucks. But it's still ARMOR! You're probably still going to be bleeding after you get shot by an Ork gun, but your flak armor could be the difference between life and death. YOU DO NOT GO ONTO THE BATTLEFIELD WEARING A HOODIE! The braindead moron who did this, and I WISH I could make this up, said that there was Adamantium in the hoodie and that a Tech Priest had put it there. ADAMANTIUM! Because apparently this kid never knew that Adamantium is damn near unbreakable, and we are not getting it in thin layers. Go figure, someone was fucking with him and he ended up being impaled on a Farseer's spear.
127: You being a noble doesn't mean jack if you have no lands or titles: Oh blue-bloods, they will never stop being my favorite punching bag. Because they keep doing so much stupid shit. See, there was this guy acting like he was a big deal, even though he had absolutely nothing. He got uplifted for some stupid reason (I think the braindead Inquisitor from 122 had a hand in it) but no one gave him anything to make it worthwhile. Even the other nobles thought he was pathetic. Probably why they didn't help him when he tried to claim his superiority to some Savlar Chem-Dogs and they beat him to death.
128: Sniper rifles are for killing, not showing off: Whatever form they come in, be it an old fashioned solid projectile rifle or a long-las, sniper rifles have an age-old philosophy. One shot one kill. Simply put, you should only be pulling the trigger if you intend to end someone's life, or are practicing to end someone's life. But you get the occasional fuckwit who can't just put a hole in someone's head/throat/chest and needs to savor the moment. We had spent the last three days being harassed by an Eldar Ranger, dozens dead. Our sniper finally gets a bead on him. What does she do? Shoots directly in front of the Ranger so he'd look up at her first and see his killer before he died. Except he didn't do the dying part and blew her head off. As it turns out, Eldar Rangers are faster than cock sure dumbasses.
129: You do not need three pistols: Two should be the most you ever need provided you aren't some three armed mutant. I have seen some of those, so they can safely ignore this one. The stupid woman I saw do this was a Catachan, which sounds about right. Even the women on that planet seem to be stuck in a permanent dick measuring contest. But back to pistols. My daughter's sweetheart only carries two, and she's been training to dual wield them since the age of thirteen. A third pistol is just dead weight, and in the hands of stupid people, it's downright deadly. You ever watch a woman try to draw a third pistol while still holding the other two? I have. It ends with a misfire to the throat. I wonder if all Catachans misfire like that, it would explain the overcompensation.
130: You cannot disable a Tau stealth suit with a flag: Before we get going on this one, standard banners. An utter waste of men and resources. A person that could be shooting a gun is now waving a flag around. For morale? Yeah, that'll help us. When I've got an Ork's axe in my side, a flag with bullet holes and burn marks really keeps me going. Anyway, we all know standard bearers are usually the bastard kids of nobleman whatshisface, who want his stupid kids to feel like they're contributing, but the position is known by most to be overblown. But some stupid people think that they're important and have to prove themselves, so this one woman tried to use it to stab a Tau stealth suit. After it had just massacred a squad. Yeah, it bounced off its arm. Then the Tau backhanded her head off. I think he got half a kilometer is terms of distance.
131: Do not use a Space Marine on a stealth mission: Ignore this if the marines in question are Raven Guard. Uh, in case you haven't noticed people, Space Marines are about as twice as big as you and several times as heavy. They attract attention. A sniper will get in position and start taking shots. The Marines will be fine, you won't be.
132: You cannot boss around Space Marines: When you want something from a Space Marine, I don't care who you are, you say please and thank you. Even the damn Inquisition knows better than to step on their toes. No one told this twat though. Thought he could order around, a pair of Ultramarines just because they were scouts. Now I'm not saying they killed him. I'm just saying he threatened to execute them if they told their Captain about the mission he gave them, and he turned up dead the next day when the Marines left. And there were twelve eye witnesses. They just didn't say anything to officials. Guy was an asshat.
133: You cannot use a chainsword without training: Oh dear lord those things are a nightmare to use. I risked execution and looted by power sword just so I could get away from them. First of all, they're multiple times heavier than a normal sword, so fancy flourishes are out of the equation. Second of all, it kicks like hell when it's revving. So you train before you use it in combat, and that way you can avoid slicing your own face off, unlike the wonder brat I got stuck babysitting. Was hard to explain that to his commanding officer.
134: When someone doesn't want to talk about their homeworld, drop it: I "guess" I have a reputation now. They call me "The Veteran of a Hundred Wars", even though I only ever fought in eighty-seven. Ninety-one if you count those ones that never got recorded, either through cover ups or the Administratum forgetting to. Anyway, people want to know where I'm from. Stop. Asking. It's none of your fucking concern. For your own good, just shut up. It's one of the few scenarios where my temper is even worse than my sister's. And she set the last person who asked on fire. Granted we learned after that he had been planning to blackmail her into being his mistress, so he had it coming.
135: Push your kids too far and they'll kill you: This is sadly common. I've seen hundreds upon hundreds of idiot mothers and idiot fathers who fucked and then treated the kid as an afterthought. They did horrid things to the kids that I don't feel comfortable repeating, and the kids always hit back. Finding daddy's gun, poisoning mommy's stew, or just taking out mob loans in their names. Parents think that they're just kids. No one's a kid when they're fighting for their lives. And it turns out even a five year old girl can cook up a molotov cocktail. Isn't that right Dad?
136: Anti-plant grenades are as worthless as they sound, never bring them on a mission: I don't know why these things exist. Grenades designed to kill plants. Granted there's probably a Death World or two out there with killer plants, but for the rest of the galaxy, I'd rather have a frag or a krak grenade. The problem is that idiots can't tell the difference between normal grenades and those ones. Cue the award moment when a guardsman in a nearby unit losses her mind and suicide charges the Tyranid horde. And then successfully assassinates the grass they had been standing on. And a nearby shrub. I guess it was a heretic.
137: Only use weapons that are up to snuff: A mining colony was being overrun by Dark Eldar who we're trying to their usual thing. My unit was the second regiment to arrive on the scene. The first one had been completely wiped out. When we joined up with the local PDF and managed to push them off planet, I thought that it had been another reminder of how overwhelming the enemies we had to face were. Then I learned they had been recruited from a backwater planet and had brought their muskets to fight with, saying they didn't want to use the "Devil's arms" IE lasguns. Well, all three-thousand of them died and only five Dark Eldar were lost in the process. If lasguns are the Devil's arms, I want to see if he's got anything special in the back. The Devil is some big name hive ganger right?
138: Hand flamers are not as good as they sound: So we managed to get a flamethrower in the form of a pistol, sounds like a dream come true right? One problem. You can only shoot them twice. I'm serious, it's only one step above the muskets and the dueling pistols I mentioned before. And these things have a range of ten meters. So it's got a pathetic range and only two shots, so except as a desperate lass resort, it's good for nothing. In a nice change of pace, it was a Khorne cultist who got himself killed. Fired twice, (Killed his own people) and then kept trying to burn my face off, clicking away at an empty gun. Even when I had my sword in his gut. After that he banged it on a nearby barricade and kept trying to shoot me. I think this is why Khorne cultists mainly use melee weapons.
139: Servo-Skulls are not for riding: Ok, you do know that those things are damn fragile and only have enough thrust to lift up 5kg of weight? So you can't hang onto them and go flying with them. I tried to tell this woman that on top of a mountain fortress that we had just taken. It might've had been the alcohol in her system, but I only gave her one shot. I drank three that hour and I wasn't the one who had my face ripped open on a cliff before tumbling down the rest of the way.
140: When your host has invited someone into their household, they're probably family friends, so show some respect: I actually kept in contact with that noblewoman in 120. She and her hubby are working their way up to their eighth year of marriage and she invited my family and I to a party at her mansion. First time I had ever been to a Garden World, and I have to say, I was reluctant to leave.
It was fairly pleasant for the most part, as she isn't too friendly with many other blue-bloods, so I didn't have to deal with too many pricks. Plenty of food and wine (Overdid it with the drinking, had to force myself to throw up in the bathroom) actually ran into a couple of old friends, and Zamora (Shit, I forgot to say, that's her name. No I'm not giving anyone else's name out, she was the only one ok with it) is the life of the freaking party.
The problem is that she had to invite a few twats out of obligation. Either that or they crashed the party. I forget, she mentioned why they were there when I was halfway through my fifth glass. Oh, they had such massive sticks up their asses, it was hilarious. They tolerated my sister (barely) because she was a Sororita, but the rest of us got nothing but glares. They finally lost it when Zamora gave the spotlight to my daughter so that she could propose to her sweetheart. It was honestly pretty magical. That gunslinger rarely lets anything pass that stoic expression of hers, but when my daughter pulled out that ring, there were tears in her eyes.
They, like me, had had too much to drink. Unlike me, they hadn't removed the alcohol from their system to avoid making asses out of themselves. Combined that with them being ass hats and the fact that there were strains between them and Zamora's family over them trying to take a moon they own. Despite that things still worked out all right. Only two of Zamora's family guard died, I learned my wife only needs two fingers to break a human spine, and I got to keep the booze they had brought over. There was one thing my daughter was a little bummed out about though. She had wanted to let her fiancé know a secret she had had while proposing. Not when sending a concentrated blast of warp energy into the face of a drunk nobleman.
Oh yeah, my daughter is a psyker. Zamora managed to pull some strings to get her sanctioned without going on the Black Ships and had a retainer teaching her.
XXXXX
Author's Note: I have to thank EclipsePheniox here. His demented little story Trapped and his unintentional monster of a "hero" have given me so much material to work with. A character who enslaves the children of soldiers who disobey him, threatens to rape POWs, arrests people with little evidence and forcibly takes over their military forces was just a freaking gold mine for my story. I swear 121-132, Are all heavily inspired by his work. I wish I could make stuff like what he does up, it'd make writing this list so much easier. I brought up this story earlier. To those of you who were waiting? All of this garbage actually freaking happened in this story, just with minor alterations and the people who acted stupid actually dying. I split it up to different people in each entry, but in the actual story it was all concentrated to around three people. It was that freaking bad.
I would like to thank my Patrons SuperFeatherYoshi, xXNanamiXx, Ryan Van Schaack, and RaptorusMaximus for their amazing support
122: Do not give a person a position of power just because they're a good lay: There was this one utterly braindead Inquisitor who gave a position of power to her boytoy. She was on thin ice already, there was another Inquisitor shadowing her, waiting for a reason to have her branded a heretic, she kept shooting her bolter when other people were trying to talk, and she kept limiting her troop loads because "I can't go over 2000 points". But her fuck toy, OH MY EMPEROR he was the worst. Tried to sleep with everyone with a XX chromosome, though thankfully none of them were interested. And then he tried to sword fight with an Ultramarine scout. I know right? So yeah, his neck got snapped and his girlfriend got killed after she took a shot at Uriel Ventris and her babysitter lost his temper.
123: Do not threaten a soldier's family: No this isn't a personal one, but with me, the point still stands. Stupid pompous blue-blood prat says that he wants a soldier's eldest daughter as a servant. And when I say servant, I mean he was licking his lips and leering at a nearby woman when he said servant. I'm not even sure the guy had a daughter, he might've looked mad on principle. The prick seemed to act like everyone else would side with him in his quest to enslave another human being. Surprise surprise, humans aren't monsters and filled him with bayonets. I was pretty sure he was already dead when I got to the head of the throng, but I didn't care. This was a good chance to show my little girl how you make sure the bayonet doesn't get stuck in the ribs.
124: Don't play at being detective if you don't know what you're doing: I got stuck with an idiot trying to investigate the disappearance of a noblewoman. We turned her room upside down and found an Eldar artifact. The dumbass thought it had nothing to do with it because the Eldar weren't around anymore. Hey dip shit, you know who else isn't around anymore? THE WOMAN WE WERE LOOKING FOR! And then he goes and arrests the girl's parents! Why? Because there was a secret passage in the girl's room. I am not making this up. Actually, he just said there was, we never actually FOUND them. And they were nobles. So yeah. Death by Iron Maiden for him. I threw him under the Land Raider and I don't regret it
125: Felnids are not cute, cuddly or sexy: 99.99% of the people of the Imperium have never and will never see them, but are convinced that they're sexy cat-girls. You know what they are in reality? Part mountain cat. IE, vicious predators and carnivores. They're kind of aware of how sexualized they are by the Imperium and they've gotten sadistic about it. They love saying, just out of sight, "I could just eat you up," before getting very literal about it. Goodie, they took humor lessons from the Kroot.
126: Know how armor works: I've said it before and I'll say it again, our armor sucks. But it's still ARMOR! You're probably still going to be bleeding after you get shot by an Ork gun, but your flak armor could be the difference between life and death. YOU DO NOT GO ONTO THE BATTLEFIELD WEARING A HOODIE! The braindead moron who did this, and I WISH I could make this up, said that there was Adamantium in the hoodie and that a Tech Priest had put it there. ADAMANTIUM! Because apparently this kid never knew that Adamantium is damn near unbreakable, and we are not getting it in thin layers. Go figure, someone was fucking with him and he ended up being impaled on a Farseer's spear.
127: You being a noble doesn't mean jack if you have no lands or titles: Oh blue-bloods, they will never stop being my favorite punching bag. Because they keep doing so much stupid shit. See, there was this guy acting like he was a big deal, even though he had absolutely nothing. He got uplifted for some stupid reason (I think the braindead Inquisitor from 122 had a hand in it) but no one gave him anything to make it worthwhile. Even the other nobles thought he was pathetic. Probably why they didn't help him when he tried to claim his superiority to some Savlar Chem-Dogs and they beat him to death.
128: Sniper rifles are for killing, not showing off: Whatever form they come in, be it an old fashioned solid projectile rifle or a long-las, sniper rifles have an age-old philosophy. One shot one kill. Simply put, you should only be pulling the trigger if you intend to end someone's life, or are practicing to end someone's life. But you get the occasional fuckwit who can't just put a hole in someone's head/throat/chest and needs to savor the moment. We had spent the last three days being harassed by an Eldar Ranger, dozens dead. Our sniper finally gets a bead on him. What does she do? Shoots directly in front of the Ranger so he'd look up at her first and see his killer before he died. Except he didn't do the dying part and blew her head off. As it turns out, Eldar Rangers are faster than cock sure dumbasses.
129: You do not need three pistols: Two should be the most you ever need provided you aren't some three armed mutant. I have seen some of those, so they can safely ignore this one. The stupid woman I saw do this was a Catachan, which sounds about right. Even the women on that planet seem to be stuck in a permanent dick measuring contest. But back to pistols. My daughter's sweetheart only carries two, and she's been training to dual wield them since the age of thirteen. A third pistol is just dead weight, and in the hands of stupid people, it's downright deadly. You ever watch a woman try to draw a third pistol while still holding the other two? I have. It ends with a misfire to the throat. I wonder if all Catachans misfire like that, it would explain the overcompensation.
130: You cannot disable a Tau stealth suit with a flag: Before we get going on this one, standard banners. An utter waste of men and resources. A person that could be shooting a gun is now waving a flag around. For morale? Yeah, that'll help us. When I've got an Ork's axe in my side, a flag with bullet holes and burn marks really keeps me going. Anyway, we all know standard bearers are usually the bastard kids of nobleman whatshisface, who want his stupid kids to feel like they're contributing, but the position is known by most to be overblown. But some stupid people think that they're important and have to prove themselves, so this one woman tried to use it to stab a Tau stealth suit. After it had just massacred a squad. Yeah, it bounced off its arm. Then the Tau backhanded her head off. I think he got half a kilometer is terms of distance.
131: Do not use a Space Marine on a stealth mission: Ignore this if the marines in question are Raven Guard. Uh, in case you haven't noticed people, Space Marines are about as twice as big as you and several times as heavy. They attract attention. A sniper will get in position and start taking shots. The Marines will be fine, you won't be.
132: You cannot boss around Space Marines: When you want something from a Space Marine, I don't care who you are, you say please and thank you. Even the damn Inquisition knows better than to step on their toes. No one told this twat though. Thought he could order around, a pair of Ultramarines just because they were scouts. Now I'm not saying they killed him. I'm just saying he threatened to execute them if they told their Captain about the mission he gave them, and he turned up dead the next day when the Marines left. And there were twelve eye witnesses. They just didn't say anything to officials. Guy was an asshat.
133: You cannot use a chainsword without training: Oh dear lord those things are a nightmare to use. I risked execution and looted by power sword just so I could get away from them. First of all, they're multiple times heavier than a normal sword, so fancy flourishes are out of the equation. Second of all, it kicks like hell when it's revving. So you train before you use it in combat, and that way you can avoid slicing your own face off, unlike the wonder brat I got stuck babysitting. Was hard to explain that to his commanding officer.
134: When someone doesn't want to talk about their homeworld, drop it: I "guess" I have a reputation now. They call me "The Veteran of a Hundred Wars", even though I only ever fought in eighty-seven. Ninety-one if you count those ones that never got recorded, either through cover ups or the Administratum forgetting to. Anyway, people want to know where I'm from. Stop. Asking. It's none of your fucking concern. For your own good, just shut up. It's one of the few scenarios where my temper is even worse than my sister's. And she set the last person who asked on fire. Granted we learned after that he had been planning to blackmail her into being his mistress, so he had it coming.
135: Push your kids too far and they'll kill you: This is sadly common. I've seen hundreds upon hundreds of idiot mothers and idiot fathers who fucked and then treated the kid as an afterthought. They did horrid things to the kids that I don't feel comfortable repeating, and the kids always hit back. Finding daddy's gun, poisoning mommy's stew, or just taking out mob loans in their names. Parents think that they're just kids. No one's a kid when they're fighting for their lives. And it turns out even a five year old girl can cook up a molotov cocktail. Isn't that right Dad?
136: Anti-plant grenades are as worthless as they sound, never bring them on a mission: I don't know why these things exist. Grenades designed to kill plants. Granted there's probably a Death World or two out there with killer plants, but for the rest of the galaxy, I'd rather have a frag or a krak grenade. The problem is that idiots can't tell the difference between normal grenades and those ones. Cue the award moment when a guardsman in a nearby unit losses her mind and suicide charges the Tyranid horde. And then successfully assassinates the grass they had been standing on. And a nearby shrub. I guess it was a heretic.
137: Only use weapons that are up to snuff: A mining colony was being overrun by Dark Eldar who we're trying to their usual thing. My unit was the second regiment to arrive on the scene. The first one had been completely wiped out. When we joined up with the local PDF and managed to push them off planet, I thought that it had been another reminder of how overwhelming the enemies we had to face were. Then I learned they had been recruited from a backwater planet and had brought their muskets to fight with, saying they didn't want to use the "Devil's arms" IE lasguns. Well, all three-thousand of them died and only five Dark Eldar were lost in the process. If lasguns are the Devil's arms, I want to see if he's got anything special in the back. The Devil is some big name hive ganger right?
138: Hand flamers are not as good as they sound: So we managed to get a flamethrower in the form of a pistol, sounds like a dream come true right? One problem. You can only shoot them twice. I'm serious, it's only one step above the muskets and the dueling pistols I mentioned before. And these things have a range of ten meters. So it's got a pathetic range and only two shots, so except as a desperate lass resort, it's good for nothing. In a nice change of pace, it was a Khorne cultist who got himself killed. Fired twice, (Killed his own people) and then kept trying to burn my face off, clicking away at an empty gun. Even when I had my sword in his gut. After that he banged it on a nearby barricade and kept trying to shoot me. I think this is why Khorne cultists mainly use melee weapons.
139: Servo-Skulls are not for riding: Ok, you do know that those things are damn fragile and only have enough thrust to lift up 5kg of weight? So you can't hang onto them and go flying with them. I tried to tell this woman that on top of a mountain fortress that we had just taken. It might've had been the alcohol in her system, but I only gave her one shot. I drank three that hour and I wasn't the one who had my face ripped open on a cliff before tumbling down the rest of the way.
140: When your host has invited someone into their household, they're probably family friends, so show some respect: I actually kept in contact with that noblewoman in 120. She and her hubby are working their way up to their eighth year of marriage and she invited my family and I to a party at her mansion. First time I had ever been to a Garden World, and I have to say, I was reluctant to leave.
It was fairly pleasant for the most part, as she isn't too friendly with many other blue-bloods, so I didn't have to deal with too many pricks. Plenty of food and wine (Overdid it with the drinking, had to force myself to throw up in the bathroom) actually ran into a couple of old friends, and Zamora (Shit, I forgot to say, that's her name. No I'm not giving anyone else's name out, she was the only one ok with it) is the life of the freaking party.
The problem is that she had to invite a few twats out of obligation. Either that or they crashed the party. I forget, she mentioned why they were there when I was halfway through my fifth glass. Oh, they had such massive sticks up their asses, it was hilarious. They tolerated my sister (barely) because she was a Sororita, but the rest of us got nothing but glares. They finally lost it when Zamora gave the spotlight to my daughter so that she could propose to her sweetheart. It was honestly pretty magical. That gunslinger rarely lets anything pass that stoic expression of hers, but when my daughter pulled out that ring, there were tears in her eyes.
They, like me, had had too much to drink. Unlike me, they hadn't removed the alcohol from their system to avoid making asses out of themselves. Combined that with them being ass hats and the fact that there were strains between them and Zamora's family over them trying to take a moon they own. Despite that things still worked out all right. Only two of Zamora's family guard died, I learned my wife only needs two fingers to break a human spine, and I got to keep the booze they had brought over. There was one thing my daughter was a little bummed out about though. She had wanted to let her fiancé know a secret she had had while proposing. Not when sending a concentrated blast of warp energy into the face of a drunk nobleman.
Oh yeah, my daughter is a psyker. Zamora managed to pull some strings to get her sanctioned without going on the Black Ships and had a retainer teaching her.
XXXXX
Author's Note: I have to thank EclipsePheniox here. His demented little story Trapped and his unintentional monster of a "hero" have given me so much material to work with. A character who enslaves the children of soldiers who disobey him, threatens to rape POWs, arrests people with little evidence and forcibly takes over their military forces was just a freaking gold mine for my story. I swear 121-132, Are all heavily inspired by his work. I wish I could make stuff like what he does up, it'd make writing this list so much easier. I brought up this story earlier. To those of you who were waiting? All of this garbage actually freaking happened in this story, just with minor alterations and the people who acted stupid actually dying. I split it up to different people in each entry, but in the actual story it was all concentrated to around three people. It was that freaking bad.
I would like to thank my Patrons SuperFeatherYoshi, xXNanamiXx, Ryan Van Schaack, and RaptorusMaximus for their amazing support
- Location
- Hungrary
I am rereading this and it is as good as for the first read(I have read the full story on ff.net.).
It is kind of amazing how you build up a character and do world building trough examples of how stupid people got themselves killed in 40k.
It is kind of amazing how you build up a character and do world building trough examples of how stupid people got themselves killed in 40k.
Chapter 8
- Location
- Massachusetts USA
141: Pride is worthless: You're proud of yourself? Good for you. Like having a third nipple, it's pretty pointless. Unlike a third nipple, it can lead to death. Look, if you think proving something to someone is worth throwing your life away, then fine, fine by me. Just don't drag anyone else down with you. There was this cult leader, damn expert with a sword, and he insulted the sword kills of some local champion. Said champion had his guard charge the guy to prove a point. Turns out the cult leader didn't even want to fight him, he had planted landmines in front of his position. By the end of the day, he was doing heretical but slightly funny puppet shows with what was left of the guy and his men.
142: Don't be stupid about revenge: I'm not going to tell you that revenge is bad. A good look at 80 will tell you why, but be SMART about it. If I had a Throne (I think that's the currency of the Imperium but no one can seem to make up their mind about it) for every half-assed revenge scheme I've seen, I'd be a minor noble by now. I'll keep it short and just leave the three worst examples. Shooting a noble in his quarters and then writing a suicide note. In Low Gothic. With several spelling mistakes. Snapping an ex-lover's neck and then pushing them off a cliff to make it look like the fall did it. When the cliff is only five feet high. And worst of all, assassination via grot. I don't want to talk about that one.
143: Knives don't work if they can't reach the organs: If you're facing a cultist, feel free to stab them in the gut to your heart's content. Most other things, however? Either go straight for the throat or don't bother. If you can't reach the throat, don't bother. Things out there like Orks aren't seriously wounded by knives. At best, you hurt them. Sometimes not even that. One Ork asked if a guardsman was trying to tickle him when she stabbed him. He wasn't being sarcastic, he actually thought she was trying to tickle him. So he took her knife and "tickled" her back. In the lungs, the kidneys, the stomach, and the face.
144: Do not steal Ork vehicles: Assuming you can figure out how they're supposed to work, and assuming that you don't have to fill up the gas tank via a straw, and assuming that you can figure out that that human femur was the key, Ork vehicles just aren't reliable. Mainly because they're designed for creatures much bigger and stronger than us. In addition to being designed by dipshits who are so stupid the laws of reality sag under the weight. After our raid, I told everyone to get back in the Chimera, but some wet behind the ears rich boy had his servants help him steal an Ork buggy, and as it turns out he couldn't reach the brakes. And even if he could, he didn't have a boulder to press it down. And that was a freaking tall cliff.
145: Do not try and make the Tyranids fight Orks: I'm seriously toeing the line here so I need to be vague. Let's just say that a certain ex-Inquisitor had the Tyranids and the Orks fight one time, and it did not work. It did not fraking work, it could not have backfired any harder if they had tried. Orks from all over kept jumping on the bandwagon, and the Tyranids were at an all you can eat buffet where the food ran towards their mouths. So whichever army eventually wins is going to be ten times stronger when they come out. Because apparently when dealing with a race that constantly consumes organic matter to refresh its ranks, this idiot forgot that the Necrons exist! They aren't organic! The Tyranids would come out of fighting them either dead or with wasted resources! No wonder the Inquisition kicked him out! Ugh. Anyway, the moral is keep Tyranids away from Orks, lead them to Necrons. Not the Eye of Terror though, the idea of Tyranids adapting to Chaos makes me shudder.
146: Learn what momentum is: See, when something gains movement, it keeps moving until something else stops it. Whether it be gravity or a solid object. Some people can't seem to wrap their brains around this concept. So when you're trying to do wheelies in a Leman Russ tank and you go down a pretty big hill, you're going to go faster and faster. And someone else can clean the bone fragments out of the treads next time!
147: Pride REALLY IS worthless: Ok, get this through your thick skulls people. Your pride isn't worth a damn thing. It doesn't carry out the Emperor's will, it doesn't secure planets, and it doesn't kill the nightmare incarnate monsters out there. If you let your pride rule you, you end up like Cato Sicuntius getting other people killed just so that you can feel like you have a big dick and/or cilt. Not everyone wants to engage the Eldar Warp Spiders in melee just because they said your corset looks tacky. We only came out on top because we outnumbered them twenty to one, and even then we lost half our unit. Oh, and onto the next one.
148: Do not engage Eldar in a field they specialize in: There's an old saying. Six Space Marines and six Eldar fight. The Space Marines kill five Eldar and then the last Eldar kills the Space Marines. The idea behind it is that they were fighting in a field that only one of the Eldar was trained in, and said Eldar was able to take on six Space Marines while the others were out of their depth. If Space Marines can't do it, you can't. Don't try to counter snipe a Ranger, don't try to burn a Fire Dragon, and don't try to overpower a Farseer's mind. Just. Freaking. Don't.
149: Learn what logistics are. This is for all the commanders out there. Armies need food, water, weapons, armor, munitions, support vehicles, resupply lines, oh you should know this. So when a few million soldiers get dropped off with the clothes on their back and nothing else, they're not going to last very long. That was the RELIEF FORCE! At least the prick who did it died with them. Shame it wasn't Kubrik Chenkov.
150: Don't rely on cover too much: Once upon a happier time, you'd at the very least be safer if you were behind a stone while during a firefight. That's before every asshole in the galaxy opened wide and shat out the crap we have to deal with on a daily basis. Needless to say, cover doesn't work that well anymore. Half of the things we fight like melee range anyway, so it's kind of pointless. Nice lady, if a bit airheaded, thought her sandbags would keep her safe. Maybe they would've if it wasn't a World Eater with a chain ax trying to kill her. Minus the trying part.
151: Remember that Plague Marines are walking disease dispensers: I only ever went up against one Plague Marine, and it made its way into the top ten worst days of my life. The thing tore its way through an entire platoon and then hit mine. I lost three-quarters of my men before we could finally bring it down. I learned a lot of important lessons about Plague Marines that day. First of all, burn the corpse, there is no such thing as a fire that's too hot for one. Second of all, one on one combat will end with it impaling your spine with its warhammer. Thirdly, taking its skull as a trophy will give you around a hundred known diseases and a couple of unknown ones that Nurgle probably spurted out of his chode early that day. And you'll finish off the rest of the platoon, minus their leader who had received med-evac because all of his cybernetics had shorted out. Cunt.
152: Noise Marine weapons are not stereos: I don't know how the screeching those things make can be called music, but some people were drunk enough to want to try it. Emperor knows how they moved it, even my wife is out of breath from carrying one, but they tried to start a rave with a few. Needless to say, it was a short event, blood was everywhere, a Commissar got involved and I downed a few more bottles I got off of dead morons.
153: Khorne Berserkers are not reliable allies: I know there's a lot of people out there who think that we can defeat Chaos by making them fight among themselves. Sadly I disagree. Chaos loves to clash, but there's always someone keeping them in line when they're fighting us. As such, you can't really rely on Khorne Berserkers always killing their own allies. Hilarious as it may be to watch a steroid abusing prick get halfway through "Blood for the blood god" before taking a chain ax to the teeth, Berserkers would still much rather be killing us. They hate everything, but they hate us slightly more. Oh, it turns out that trying to mimic a cultist's voice while insulting Berserkers from behind a rock doesn't work. And Berserkers have good throwing arms.
154: Rubric Marines don't burn well: With this and the last three, I realize that I've seen more of Chaos that I'm comfortable with. There was this one period, a good five years, where Chaos forces were moving into the Calixis Sector. It turns out Abbadick doesn't have a monopoly on Black Crusades and these jokers were trying to start one. They came a little too close. Anyway, Rubric Marines are dust and maybe a soul inside power armor. Trying to set them on fire is a waste of time. And it puts you in neck-snapping distance. And head ripping off distance. I honestly think it was trying to go for a snap and ended up with a rip.
155: Only point a weapon at something you want to kill: You think that this would be obvious, but no. Then again I think it's clear that any training the Guard gets focuses purely on killing and not on staying alive. See the rest of the list for evidence. As it stands, the lasgun is not the most deadly tool of war, but it is still a tool of war. It doesn't matter if it is unloaded, it doesn't matter if your finger is off the trigger, only point the barrel at something you want to burn a hole in. Then again maybe he wanted to kill his mother-in-law. On the other hand, he probably didn't want to kill himself.
156: Valkyries are not for crashing: You see those things on Valkyries? Those are called lascannons and missiles. They're what Valkyries use to kill things. You shoot them at the thing you don't like. You do not suicide bomb enemy positions when you have a full arsenal and haven't taken any damage. Giving your life in the name of the Emperor is one thing, but be smart about it. I mean at the very least you can do one thing. NOT FUCKING MISS!
157: You do not book a visit to the Golden Throne for yourself. You do it for your great-great grandchildren: I told her that the line was longer than she thought it was. Everyone told her that the line was longer than she thought it was. She didn't want to listen. And she tried to cut in line. There's not a list ranking actions by how heretical there are, but if there was, that'd be near the top. It ended with her body being "volunteered" for rations.
158: Remember to take a grave-chute when you jump: I've only been on one or two air-drop missions, they were mainly for encirclement tactics. I think I haven't been on one in a while because of my wife. Don't tell her I said this but she weighs a lot with all that chrome, the chutes struggle to handle her. Anyway...yeah. Make sure you remember to put one on. You think it's awkward for you? Have you ever had an Ork look up to see where the corpse came from and tut disapprovingly at you? You don't know what that feels like.
159: Kill the Eldar AFTER the alliance has broken down: I've covered this before, Eldar can't be trusted. They'll always turn on us when we form an alliance of convenience, so there's no shame in beating them to it, but you have to know WHEN to stab them in the back. Literally, viciously and repeatedly. Usually it's after you manage to fight off the Necron invasion, not while you're still fighting to hold the line. The squad that killed that Avenger got off easy frankly. It was the Fire Dragons who found them. Their deaths were quick.
160: PRIDE IS FRAKKING WORTHLESS!: Yes, I am saying this again because this is a lesson people need to freaking learn! I could start a whole other book filled with people who got killed because of pride. Since I doubt people will pay attention if they don't pay attention to this, I won't do that and instead, I'll bring up the worst case I ever had to deal with. Ever hear of the phrase "Shit flows downhill?" It's because the people at the top are assholes and we have to deal with it. So let me tell you a story of how we almost lost an entire system because of pride.
It was Tyranids, they had launched an invasion of a system where we had three colonies. We fought long and hard for the planet's surface, and my family was in the thick of the fighting. My daughter was going through hell, the Shadow of the Warp was doing a real number on her. Her sweetheart was keeping her safe, having used up all of her solid rounds and having scavenged a pair of hellpistols. My sister was on top of a burnt pile of Gaunts while actively adding to the pile, and Zamora and I were gunning down Gargoyles, Zamora bringing a nice plasma rifle to the party.
But at the end of the day, they were Tyranids, and everything we killed had been sent down just to make us waste ammo. We nearly got killed by a Trygon that a nearby Raven Guard managed to put down, but it just went downhill from there. Now, at that point, this is where most people throw in the towel. The Tyranids are a species where mindlessly throwing men at them is the dumbest thing you can do. At this point, you usually write the planet off, flee into orbit, and declare Exterminatus. Oh...but the stupid prick we were stuck with.
He wanted to fight to the last man, to make a suicide charge for the Hive Tyrant, because he had a family estate on that planet and he wasn't sacrificing it. Even though the Tyranids would've grown stronger from our futile struggle and taken the rest of the system. Nearly all of his commanders refused and abandoned the planet, and the Raven Guard were nice enough to provide a cyclonic torpedo to kill the Nids.
Little brat was furious, killed one of his commanders, and was about to keep going when an Inquisitor stepped in. No idea if the guy is still alive now. The Inquisitor dragged him off and he was never heard from again.
See where fucking pride gets you? Be prideful in stupid things that you won't get killed over, like the fact that you managed to somehow raise a kid in this hellhole, and the fact that you somehow managed to keep your family together. That they're all still with you, that you keep them safe and that they keep you safe, and that they make your life worth living.
…Sorry, I need to call it here. I gotta...need to…bye.
XXXXX
Author's Note: I'd like to thank my dear friend Pentralion for helping me with 151. I'd also like to thank my Patrons SuperFeatherYoshi, xXNanamiXx, Ryan Van Schaack, and RaptorusMaximus for their amazing support.
142: Don't be stupid about revenge: I'm not going to tell you that revenge is bad. A good look at 80 will tell you why, but be SMART about it. If I had a Throne (I think that's the currency of the Imperium but no one can seem to make up their mind about it) for every half-assed revenge scheme I've seen, I'd be a minor noble by now. I'll keep it short and just leave the three worst examples. Shooting a noble in his quarters and then writing a suicide note. In Low Gothic. With several spelling mistakes. Snapping an ex-lover's neck and then pushing them off a cliff to make it look like the fall did it. When the cliff is only five feet high. And worst of all, assassination via grot. I don't want to talk about that one.
143: Knives don't work if they can't reach the organs: If you're facing a cultist, feel free to stab them in the gut to your heart's content. Most other things, however? Either go straight for the throat or don't bother. If you can't reach the throat, don't bother. Things out there like Orks aren't seriously wounded by knives. At best, you hurt them. Sometimes not even that. One Ork asked if a guardsman was trying to tickle him when she stabbed him. He wasn't being sarcastic, he actually thought she was trying to tickle him. So he took her knife and "tickled" her back. In the lungs, the kidneys, the stomach, and the face.
144: Do not steal Ork vehicles: Assuming you can figure out how they're supposed to work, and assuming that you don't have to fill up the gas tank via a straw, and assuming that you can figure out that that human femur was the key, Ork vehicles just aren't reliable. Mainly because they're designed for creatures much bigger and stronger than us. In addition to being designed by dipshits who are so stupid the laws of reality sag under the weight. After our raid, I told everyone to get back in the Chimera, but some wet behind the ears rich boy had his servants help him steal an Ork buggy, and as it turns out he couldn't reach the brakes. And even if he could, he didn't have a boulder to press it down. And that was a freaking tall cliff.
145: Do not try and make the Tyranids fight Orks: I'm seriously toeing the line here so I need to be vague. Let's just say that a certain ex-Inquisitor had the Tyranids and the Orks fight one time, and it did not work. It did not fraking work, it could not have backfired any harder if they had tried. Orks from all over kept jumping on the bandwagon, and the Tyranids were at an all you can eat buffet where the food ran towards their mouths. So whichever army eventually wins is going to be ten times stronger when they come out. Because apparently when dealing with a race that constantly consumes organic matter to refresh its ranks, this idiot forgot that the Necrons exist! They aren't organic! The Tyranids would come out of fighting them either dead or with wasted resources! No wonder the Inquisition kicked him out! Ugh. Anyway, the moral is keep Tyranids away from Orks, lead them to Necrons. Not the Eye of Terror though, the idea of Tyranids adapting to Chaos makes me shudder.
146: Learn what momentum is: See, when something gains movement, it keeps moving until something else stops it. Whether it be gravity or a solid object. Some people can't seem to wrap their brains around this concept. So when you're trying to do wheelies in a Leman Russ tank and you go down a pretty big hill, you're going to go faster and faster. And someone else can clean the bone fragments out of the treads next time!
147: Pride REALLY IS worthless: Ok, get this through your thick skulls people. Your pride isn't worth a damn thing. It doesn't carry out the Emperor's will, it doesn't secure planets, and it doesn't kill the nightmare incarnate monsters out there. If you let your pride rule you, you end up like Cato Sicuntius getting other people killed just so that you can feel like you have a big dick and/or cilt. Not everyone wants to engage the Eldar Warp Spiders in melee just because they said your corset looks tacky. We only came out on top because we outnumbered them twenty to one, and even then we lost half our unit. Oh, and onto the next one.
148: Do not engage Eldar in a field they specialize in: There's an old saying. Six Space Marines and six Eldar fight. The Space Marines kill five Eldar and then the last Eldar kills the Space Marines. The idea behind it is that they were fighting in a field that only one of the Eldar was trained in, and said Eldar was able to take on six Space Marines while the others were out of their depth. If Space Marines can't do it, you can't. Don't try to counter snipe a Ranger, don't try to burn a Fire Dragon, and don't try to overpower a Farseer's mind. Just. Freaking. Don't.
149: Learn what logistics are. This is for all the commanders out there. Armies need food, water, weapons, armor, munitions, support vehicles, resupply lines, oh you should know this. So when a few million soldiers get dropped off with the clothes on their back and nothing else, they're not going to last very long. That was the RELIEF FORCE! At least the prick who did it died with them. Shame it wasn't Kubrik Chenkov.
150: Don't rely on cover too much: Once upon a happier time, you'd at the very least be safer if you were behind a stone while during a firefight. That's before every asshole in the galaxy opened wide and shat out the crap we have to deal with on a daily basis. Needless to say, cover doesn't work that well anymore. Half of the things we fight like melee range anyway, so it's kind of pointless. Nice lady, if a bit airheaded, thought her sandbags would keep her safe. Maybe they would've if it wasn't a World Eater with a chain ax trying to kill her. Minus the trying part.
151: Remember that Plague Marines are walking disease dispensers: I only ever went up against one Plague Marine, and it made its way into the top ten worst days of my life. The thing tore its way through an entire platoon and then hit mine. I lost three-quarters of my men before we could finally bring it down. I learned a lot of important lessons about Plague Marines that day. First of all, burn the corpse, there is no such thing as a fire that's too hot for one. Second of all, one on one combat will end with it impaling your spine with its warhammer. Thirdly, taking its skull as a trophy will give you around a hundred known diseases and a couple of unknown ones that Nurgle probably spurted out of his chode early that day. And you'll finish off the rest of the platoon, minus their leader who had received med-evac because all of his cybernetics had shorted out. Cunt.
152: Noise Marine weapons are not stereos: I don't know how the screeching those things make can be called music, but some people were drunk enough to want to try it. Emperor knows how they moved it, even my wife is out of breath from carrying one, but they tried to start a rave with a few. Needless to say, it was a short event, blood was everywhere, a Commissar got involved and I downed a few more bottles I got off of dead morons.
153: Khorne Berserkers are not reliable allies: I know there's a lot of people out there who think that we can defeat Chaos by making them fight among themselves. Sadly I disagree. Chaos loves to clash, but there's always someone keeping them in line when they're fighting us. As such, you can't really rely on Khorne Berserkers always killing their own allies. Hilarious as it may be to watch a steroid abusing prick get halfway through "Blood for the blood god" before taking a chain ax to the teeth, Berserkers would still much rather be killing us. They hate everything, but they hate us slightly more. Oh, it turns out that trying to mimic a cultist's voice while insulting Berserkers from behind a rock doesn't work. And Berserkers have good throwing arms.
154: Rubric Marines don't burn well: With this and the last three, I realize that I've seen more of Chaos that I'm comfortable with. There was this one period, a good five years, where Chaos forces were moving into the Calixis Sector. It turns out Abbadick doesn't have a monopoly on Black Crusades and these jokers were trying to start one. They came a little too close. Anyway, Rubric Marines are dust and maybe a soul inside power armor. Trying to set them on fire is a waste of time. And it puts you in neck-snapping distance. And head ripping off distance. I honestly think it was trying to go for a snap and ended up with a rip.
155: Only point a weapon at something you want to kill: You think that this would be obvious, but no. Then again I think it's clear that any training the Guard gets focuses purely on killing and not on staying alive. See the rest of the list for evidence. As it stands, the lasgun is not the most deadly tool of war, but it is still a tool of war. It doesn't matter if it is unloaded, it doesn't matter if your finger is off the trigger, only point the barrel at something you want to burn a hole in. Then again maybe he wanted to kill his mother-in-law. On the other hand, he probably didn't want to kill himself.
156: Valkyries are not for crashing: You see those things on Valkyries? Those are called lascannons and missiles. They're what Valkyries use to kill things. You shoot them at the thing you don't like. You do not suicide bomb enemy positions when you have a full arsenal and haven't taken any damage. Giving your life in the name of the Emperor is one thing, but be smart about it. I mean at the very least you can do one thing. NOT FUCKING MISS!
157: You do not book a visit to the Golden Throne for yourself. You do it for your great-great grandchildren: I told her that the line was longer than she thought it was. Everyone told her that the line was longer than she thought it was. She didn't want to listen. And she tried to cut in line. There's not a list ranking actions by how heretical there are, but if there was, that'd be near the top. It ended with her body being "volunteered" for rations.
158: Remember to take a grave-chute when you jump: I've only been on one or two air-drop missions, they were mainly for encirclement tactics. I think I haven't been on one in a while because of my wife. Don't tell her I said this but she weighs a lot with all that chrome, the chutes struggle to handle her. Anyway...yeah. Make sure you remember to put one on. You think it's awkward for you? Have you ever had an Ork look up to see where the corpse came from and tut disapprovingly at you? You don't know what that feels like.
159: Kill the Eldar AFTER the alliance has broken down: I've covered this before, Eldar can't be trusted. They'll always turn on us when we form an alliance of convenience, so there's no shame in beating them to it, but you have to know WHEN to stab them in the back. Literally, viciously and repeatedly. Usually it's after you manage to fight off the Necron invasion, not while you're still fighting to hold the line. The squad that killed that Avenger got off easy frankly. It was the Fire Dragons who found them. Their deaths were quick.
160: PRIDE IS FRAKKING WORTHLESS!: Yes, I am saying this again because this is a lesson people need to freaking learn! I could start a whole other book filled with people who got killed because of pride. Since I doubt people will pay attention if they don't pay attention to this, I won't do that and instead, I'll bring up the worst case I ever had to deal with. Ever hear of the phrase "Shit flows downhill?" It's because the people at the top are assholes and we have to deal with it. So let me tell you a story of how we almost lost an entire system because of pride.
It was Tyranids, they had launched an invasion of a system where we had three colonies. We fought long and hard for the planet's surface, and my family was in the thick of the fighting. My daughter was going through hell, the Shadow of the Warp was doing a real number on her. Her sweetheart was keeping her safe, having used up all of her solid rounds and having scavenged a pair of hellpistols. My sister was on top of a burnt pile of Gaunts while actively adding to the pile, and Zamora and I were gunning down Gargoyles, Zamora bringing a nice plasma rifle to the party.
But at the end of the day, they were Tyranids, and everything we killed had been sent down just to make us waste ammo. We nearly got killed by a Trygon that a nearby Raven Guard managed to put down, but it just went downhill from there. Now, at that point, this is where most people throw in the towel. The Tyranids are a species where mindlessly throwing men at them is the dumbest thing you can do. At this point, you usually write the planet off, flee into orbit, and declare Exterminatus. Oh...but the stupid prick we were stuck with.
He wanted to fight to the last man, to make a suicide charge for the Hive Tyrant, because he had a family estate on that planet and he wasn't sacrificing it. Even though the Tyranids would've grown stronger from our futile struggle and taken the rest of the system. Nearly all of his commanders refused and abandoned the planet, and the Raven Guard were nice enough to provide a cyclonic torpedo to kill the Nids.
Little brat was furious, killed one of his commanders, and was about to keep going when an Inquisitor stepped in. No idea if the guy is still alive now. The Inquisitor dragged him off and he was never heard from again.
See where fucking pride gets you? Be prideful in stupid things that you won't get killed over, like the fact that you managed to somehow raise a kid in this hellhole, and the fact that you somehow managed to keep your family together. That they're all still with you, that you keep them safe and that they keep you safe, and that they make your life worth living.
…Sorry, I need to call it here. I gotta...need to…bye.
XXXXX
Author's Note: I'd like to thank my dear friend Pentralion for helping me with 151. I'd also like to thank my Patrons SuperFeatherYoshi, xXNanamiXx, Ryan Van Schaack, and RaptorusMaximus for their amazing support.
- Location
- Somewhere North of south
looks like Ciaphas Cain didn't read this
- Location
- Hungrary
Well. He is commissar, right?
His job is to *BLAM* people who read this.
Also if you are a hero of the imperium, common sense is probably not something you still have.
His job is to *BLAM* people who read this.
Also if you are a hero of the imperium, common sense is probably not something you still have.
- Location
- Somewhere North of south
That's a fair point, however I was meaning that Cain has both used Ork vehicles and gotten Tyranids and Orks to fight each other deliberately.