As Elusive as Air
The garden had a proper name, of course — most everything on the Station had one, always lavish, usually assigned to honor the memory of some big-name revered figure — but Ylenne did not bother to use it. She had never heard anyone, not even the most diligent of zealots, call it anything but "the Garden" with the capital-G almost audible in their awed tone. She herself could not help feeling just a little bit overwhelmed, regardless of having been there as often as she could. The Initiative took care to integrate as many natural elements as possible in their establishments, never letting any of its members away from the glories of Nature for too long, but this was the only space aboard where you could truly forget that you were, in fact, aboard.
The fresh scent of flowers greeted her as the hatch opened, the pneumatic whine quiet enough not to distract from the birdsong. There were few actual animals and many recordings, but the resulting ambiance felt right. She entered with a careful step above the threshold and, as usual, took a few seconds to enjoy the view. The chamber was so vast it was hard to consider it as just another compartment; an arboretum expanding as far as her eyes could see, far enough that the ground's curvature was noticeable, the base of the furthest trees standing above that of the closest ones, all interspersed with a number of discreet walkways hiding in and around thickets as if to avoid disgracing the scenery with reminders of its artificialness. The lighting was giving the deep orange hues of a late afternoon, in sharp contrast to the always-noon that bathed the rest of the Station.
Her amazement was short-lived, though not because she was getting too used to the vista. She had come there for a very precise reason, one that had felt, that was necessary, but now that the moment was getting closer and closer… Her stomach tied itself into knots just thinking about it. She took a deep breath, smoothed her tunic, and started on the gravel path winding between shrubs of exotic plants studded with pinpoints of bright colors. She remembered being taught what they were, but not the names themselves. Something about Mars, maybe? No, now was not the time for idle thoughts. Focus. She had to make sure her steps didn't falter, that she was confident. That she appeared confident, at least, able to ignore the way her heart was pounding against her chest.
For all that the Garden appeared immense, she reached her destination in a short time. Much shorter than she would have liked. She had to force herself not to pace around the bench and to sit. Despite being made out of the same wood-imitation polymers as all furniture on the Station, the higher humidity needed by the plants made it just the slightest bit cold to the touch. She suppressed a shudder, blaming it on the laxer climate control there— certainly not on the imminence of her rendez-vous.
"'lenne?"
She most definitely did not jump in surprise at the sudden call. She merely… turned her head around. How was Palana always that resplendent in her work clothes? How was she still surprised at how beautiful Palana was, when she saw her every day? It wasn't fair. Ylenne took pains, every morning, to make the best out of the nondescript bamboo-fiber white tunic that served as a traditional uniform for all novices, to style her short hair until she liked what the mirror of the common bathroom showed her; and then Palana showed up after work in a bright security-orange overall stained with dark smudges, her hair held up tightly as working with heavy machinery required, glistening with perspiration, and still was the prettiest woman Ylenne had ever seen.
"Oh, hey, you're there." Her voice was steady; she was glad of that, at least. "It's that time already?"
"Well, not technically, no," answered Palana, flashing one of her grins, "but I could leave a bit early and I ran here."
"You ran?"
"Wasn't about to let a minute pass away from you!"
"I..." Ylenne could feel her cheeks redden. That was the type of things Palana was always saying, things that took Ylenne's feelings for a twist. Should she be content with that appreciation, or should she read something deeper? No, that couldn't be; why would Palana be interested in someone like her? Still, she had never heard her talk to anyone else that way. Some jesting was expected between friends, yes, but surely this went beyond that. Yet not even the thought that Palana might see her that way was enough to assuage her swirling, contradictory emotions. Any comforting warmth was extinguished by the cold knowledge that if — if! — Palana did want her, she could never live up to her standards. They had known each other for ages, and Ylenne had been made aware of enough of Palana's short-lived adventures to know that she quite enjoyed the physical side of things. Initiates would walk groundside before she would be satisfied with her. Which made what she had to say all the more important. But difficult, oh-so-difficult. "So, how was your day?" she finally said, trying to regain some of her wits. That wasn't a given around Palana, and especially not today.
"Oh, fine enough. There were some issues with a ventilation conduit in Sector 3, and…"
Ylenne wasn't trained in the technical aspects of running the Station, but that mattered little when listening to Palana. She had a beautiful voice, deeper than what her stature could let believe; and, most importantly in Ylenne's opinion, she was energetic and passionate about her work. Over the years, Ylenne must have heard her ranting about the cross-section of power lines or the lubrication of ball bearings dozens of times, but it was always a pleasure to simply enjoy her joyful explanations. The full-blown Initiates — and some of the novices trying to butter up their elders — liked to complain about the technical staff. Idiots, as far as Ylenne was concerned. It might be uncomfortable to be reminded that they had not entirely shed the necessity of physical resources and processes, but focusing on the study of the surface biosphere hard enough would not help in running their life-support. She did not fully understand why someone would prefer to forgo the sacred duty to care for and protect their planet in order to do that work, however necessary it was, but it was a genuinely interesting topic… even if, being honest with herself, she would have listened to Palana talking about pretty much anything.
Yet, this time, something felt off. Ylenne could recognize the way Palana's sentences were trailing off, the way her eyes jumped around just a tad more than usual, the way she was licking her lips. She was getting anxious about something, and there was no doubt in Ylenne's mind that it was her fault. She felt the conversation dying, though no amount of clear-eyed knowledge about her answers being lacking could make any difference. The words refused to come out of her mouth. There was a steel weight in her belly, a revolting feeling that she was hurting Palana with her silence and absence of interest; her lips refused to articulate what she had to say. She was stuck in her frozen body, her brain a hapless prisoner yelling that she had to tell Palana without achieving anything.
The silence stretched. They were used to some form of quietness between them, a comfortable respite during their activities, a pleasant way of spending time alone albeit together; this was not it. Ylenne's skin was almost tingling with the uneasiness of that heavy lull.
"Is something wrong?" started Palana exactly at the same time that Ylenne blurted an hasty "We can't be together!"
Silence again, silence born out of shock and surprise. Ylenne glanced towards Palana, just enough to ensure she was too dumbstruck to answer, and resumed.
"We can't be together." She was focusing her eyes right in front of herself, hands as steady as she could manage resting on her knees. The physical contact helped to ground her even as she felt every muscle tense, almost locking her in place out of apprehension. "I know I'm not always the best at reading such things, but I think you've been sending me signals, and I value that, but this will not be possible."
She was glad to have rehearsed her words before coming as it meant there was no hesitation, no cracking of her voice in spite of how upsetting they were. These were words that had to be told; why were they hurting her so?
"...'lenne?"
Palana sounded hurt, too, or maybe just confused. Ylenne had no desire to turn back her head and see exactly what effect she was having. She stared right ahead, across the entire width of the Garden. Past the flowerbeds, past the low copses of yellow trees, the opposite bulkhead had a viewport. This opening should have felt jarring, the sudden blackness of space an evident contradiction with the very purpose of the Garden; yet it only reinforced it, for among the scattered stars floated a green marble. As she had been instructed, as every teacher she had ever had tried to instill in her, she tried to take solace in the view. That was what they defended. That was the point of the Initiative. That was her excuse.
"I'm supposed to become an Initiate," Ylenne continued, drawing on strength she did not think she had, "and protecting the Brittle Glory of Nature against the Human Taint should be my only interest, unbothered by worldly attachments."
There. It was done, with the exact phrasing she had been told should be used in such circumstances.
"Ylenne." There was not a trace of pleading in Palana's voice. Somehow, that stinged. "Ylenne, look at me, please."
She did.
Palana wasn't on the verge of tears, like she herself would have been in such a situation, like she probably was right this instant. Her brows were furrowed in concern, or perhaps in consternation. She put a hand on her shoulder.
"Ylenne, that can't be true."
"The, the rule is that—"
"I know what the texts say," she interrupted, "but I also know you. If you were the type to strictly follow her teaching, we would have stopped interacting as soon as I left school, and you would never have known I'd… fancied you." She had the gall to raise an eyebrow on that last word! "You've never really cared about the mission, the Glory of Nature and all that…"
"But I do! It's essential to protect what the universe has created from the corrupting influence of—"
"I know you do, and you know that I agree, that we should not go around stomping our dirty feet everywhere," she added with a vague gesture of her hands that could have meant anything, "but I also know you're not the type to respect the scripture to the letter."
"I…."
Ylenne had nothing to answer. Palana was right, of course, as she invariably was. She had seen through her excuses with instant clarity, and while part of her found it admirable, part of her loved Palana for it, she mostly feared what would with the utmost certainty come next.
Nothing did. Palana just looked at her with a slight smile, saying nothing, encouraging her by her presence without actually pressing the issue. She liked that about her; how she always left her enough space without making her feel on her own. And she did fancy her! That simple fact caught up with her, hitting like a freight shuttle filled with an indecipherable tangle of bittersweet joy. It was hard to resist, and Ylenne felt the truth rise. The truth, and tears.
"I…" The dam broke. "I love you, yes, but that can't be in the way you want."
"The… what?" Oh, now her assurance was entirely gone. "I don't understand…"
"I know you like to…" Ylenne had to make an effort to form the words and to push them through, cursing her emotions, her somersaulting heart. Why was she getting embarrassed? They had talked about that topic before! Well, Palana had, at any rate. "...be physical."
"Physical?"
"Oh, you know what I mean." To her surprise, the heat of having to explicitly explain what she was hinting at was enough to stop the flow of tears. "You've talked about it often enough."
"Right." She had never seen such a look of disorientation on Palana's face. "I like to be… physical. So what?"
"I don't."
It took a few moments for her thoughts to catch up with what she had just uttered. It had not been as arduous to say as she had feared, laying on her berth at night, imagining a million worst case scenarios; that did not mean it was easy. The most harrowing part came now, and she averted her eyes from Palana.
"That's not a problem." Palana's voice had recovered and taken a gentle, soft tone that made her look back right away. "You're right, I fancy— I love you. I wasn't exactly shy about it, I guess, and I kept hoping, but you never tried to, and I thought that…" She passed a hand behind her head, nervously playing with the end of her ponytail. When had she ever looked nervous? "Sorry, I'm rambling… It's just, I'm sort of, how to say that, overjoyed? Hearing that it's shared it feels like I'm dreaming! So what if you don't like the same kind of intimacy that I do? It's you that I like, in your entirety, in your every way. We can always figure something out."
"But that means…" Overjoyed? Ylenne would have liked to be able to say that she herself was, but there still was a kernel of doubt nagging at her. Had Palana really understood what she was saying, what that implied? "You do realize that this means I'm just not interested in… any sexual endeavors."
"I… I do realize," quickly answered Palana, her cheeks reddening. "And what I said is still true: that is not a problem. I just want to, to, to spend time together, to share your conversation, and play with you, and listen to you talking, and tell you stories that make you smile, and, and, and if that's not your thing I don't even want to kiss you. You're what matters, and I don't want to change you."
There were a few ways Ylenne could answer but only one felt appropriate: after all, she had no aversion towards kissing.
