"Uh no. Obviously the one real ship is…you know wait, let me get the powerpoint." As Jad raises an eyebrow, you pull out your laptop from your school bag and open it up.
"Allow me to present my Naruto True Ship Diagram, containing all acceptable true pairings, threemances and so on with every character from the franchise."
Jad stares at it in wonder as the screen glows. Thousands of characters from the franchise, all connected with red lines.
"Are…are those links clickable?" You nod. "Where do they go?"
"Fan art. Fan fiction. And more Doujin games than you could ever dream of little girl." She gasps. "Shall we go on a journey?"
"Yes…please!" She nods.
"Let's start with project, keep the Uzumaki line pure." You click a link and the journey begins…
*25 minutes later*
"Now that we've established that Naruto and Karin are OTP," You state, while Jad is panting against a tree trunk.
"I can't believe that whole scene was voice acted." She says, struggling through deep breaths.
"Let's move onto Sasuke." You move back to the initial diagram.
"There's more?" She asks surprised, scrambling towards the screen.
"Oh yes. Now look here." She glances at where the mouse cursor is.
"There's two lines coming off Sauske?" She questions.
"Indeed. This is project, H Love with S Twofer. Hanabi and Haku." You say with pride.
"I can get behind Haku (so I can watch up close)," She says the last bit under her breath. "But Hanabi? She and Sauske barely interacted in canon-"
SLAP!
Jad is lying on the floor, holding her cheek in pain, looking up in confusion.
"Never use the C word around me." You note, arms crossed. "That is a shield people without imagination-without vision-hide behind, when they refuse to understand truth."
"I'm sorry master!" She prostrates herself before you, head to the floor. "Please, teach me more of your ways!"
You nod solemnly, and click on a link, before showing her the word document.
"I saved this treatise from the realms of Shi-Chan, moments before it was taken down by cruel moderators for excuses like 'obscenity' or 'inhumanity' or 'shit taste'."
"Oh god…" She starts reading it. "This is so…oh god, they're doing that? Such passion-such attention to detail!"
"Truly, a work of art, I never believed could be better expressed." You begin. "Until I found this…"
Jad looks at you, nervous but excited. You click a link, and it takes you to a video.
"A-are those Cosplayers of Sasuke, Haku and Hanabi?" She asks.
"No." You shake your head. "They're reenactors." You tap the space bar key.
*80 minutes later*
"And so as Hanabi and I are linked physically, so are our Sharingan and Byakugan, thus allowing us to see the real truth behind your illusions Haku. We see every aspect of you, your soul and your body, as it truly is."
"Oh *grunt* Sasuke…do you mean it?"
"Yes Haku. Be a part of our ninja marriage-now *Ugggh* until eternity."
Both you and Jad are wiping away tears.
"Every time, it gets me to bawl my eyes out." You note.
"So-so beautiful." Jad notes, scrubbing with her whole hands. "It's like your diagram. Everything is connected by the red threads of love."
"Threads?" You say with a knowing smile. "Those aren't threads."
"Then-then what do the red lines represent." She questions.
"They represent something greater than mere love. They represent a connection they all share, to something greater than all of us." You zoom out of the diagram. And zoom, and zoom, until the truth is revealed.
"Nani!" Jad gasps. "Those threads are…"
"Spaghetti strings." You say, giving a deep laugh. "For you see, all crack pairings are an offering to one being, the one true god!" You point at the screen, showing your master, whose tendrils touch every franchise in anime.
"God of Crack Ships and Pairings, the one whose pasta fills our souls with his sweet sauce-The Giant Flying Spaghetti Monster!"
"All praise GFSM!" You call out, kneeled in prayer.
"All praise his name!" Jad cries out, joining you in kneeling. You lead her in the GFSM prayer.
"That ship which is cracked, may never be sunk. Protect our pairings GFSM, and may our Doujins never be found by our parents. Amen." You bow again before standing.
"Please master, tell me your name." She beseeches you.
"I am Ikashi Toryauna. And I am no Master-just a follower of the Lord."
"Then brother Ikashi, please teach me in the ways of crack pairings!"
On a bench some distance away from the playground, Teacher was having his packed lunch, enjoying the privacy of the outdoors.
"mm mm." He said as he unwrapped his lunch. "Boy oh boy, do I love these
onigiridonuts." He raised one of the white triangles up to his mouth when he heard a shout in the distance.
"Teach me how to be a Master of Ships like you Ikashi Toryauna!" The teacher's ears piqued up with interest.
"Is that Jad Inoue? Praising another student?" He said with surprise, putting his lunch down. "Ikashi must be an incredible shiphand to have impressed Inoue so much. I'll be sure to put that in my notes once I finish my
motherfuckingOnigiridonuts!" He took a big bite of his lunch.
"Oh boy! Jelly filled are my favourite!
Someone please kill me."
You look thoughtful as you consider Jad's request. She puts her hands together.
"I know! If you promise to teach me, I will use my ninja skills to serve as your spy! I can find out the traits and skills of any student whose name you give me within a week. How does that sound?" She offers.
"Alright, that sounds fair, young neophyte."
I'm not sure how that'll be helpful, but no reason to say no.
"Alright then!" Jad says, pumping her arm in the air. "Now, I must depart. Smoke bomb-no jutsu!" In a blast of smoke you cough violently, before seeing she's gone.
"That wasn't ninja magic, that was just a smoke bomb!" You call out, before sighing. You then head back to class. "Man I'm gonna be
so late."
Achieved Social Link level 1 with Jad Inoue. She admires you as a Mentor.
Unlocked her first special ability:
Espionage-Once per week you may name one student to Jad. She will then inform you of all their Stats and Traits.
Class post incoming later today.
